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pointless-discourse · 13 days

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hs diet/cooking skills headcandons :3

what would they eat. i prommy im not scrambling for ideas, i am being fully genuine when i say i think about (the majority) of these a lot. disregarding my trans hcs for consistency and to try to reign in my fanon perception and keep it at least semi-accurate

content warning for disordered eating

JOHN EGBERT

eats very well, if a little heavy on the sweets just based on how many are in his vicinity. his dad loves baking. there will be baked goods. despite how sick he gets of sugar, he's gonna nibble.

however, i'm sure his dad knows how to cook and passed that onto john, at least how to follow a recipe

i think john would be a recipe follower most of the time tbh

living with nanna on the ship wouldn't significantly alter his skills

maybe with all that free time he'd start to improv more in the kitchen?

anyway, he is a good cook and is probably going to end up cooking for his disaster friends a lot because he is a charming young man

well not really? like he'll be on it in a pinch if he's asked too, or immediately reminded that his friends can't fucking cook, but she, in typical egbert fashion, will remain doing her own thing a lot of the time

charming young june gets tradwife'd ig

fuck i transed her . oopsie

DAVE STRIDER

we've seen that his fridge is full of smuppets and he hides his food, so his stash is small and is made up of foods that don't need to be refrigerated

texan heat is def a catalyst for that rot

his stash is also made of cheap, low quality food, because i doubt he's getting a lot of money

just an assortment of non-ingredient food like apples and mcdonands

this is on the hypothesis that bro gives dave food money or dave's somehow monetized his skills

if bro is providing this food, it's probably semi-often paywalled behind weird shit or swordfights

TLDR: he likely doesn't have a consistent supply either. enough to sustain some muscle so he can live up to what we've seen in comic, but he's underweight

you think he'll learn to cook on the meteor? wrong. why learn to cook when you can alchemize? what's the point of alchemizing the ingredients for a PB&J and then assemble it when you can just magic up a sandwich?

he cannot cook. he will burn the water. the only appliance he can use is a microwave, and that is iffy in itself because, until he gets the hang of it, will leave a slightly lukewarm hamburger in there for ten minutes

JADE HARLEY

plants. a lot of plants.

freshest thing near her. everything else she has to get through the airplane mail.

she'd forget to eat for a day or two, and then wonder why she's so hungry and then eat enough to feed a family of three. horses. three horess

she lost her grandpa at a young age and then was raised by a dog, so i doubt her eating habits are completely normal

she eats like a dog. jade does not use silverware because she does not like doing dishes. all food is finger food if you're not afraid.

what she eats is of very high quality. if she remembers to eat and can prepare her food correctly, she'll do fine.

on that topic, she's not a bad cook. her chem know-how would help her estimate what would work. but she's never had another person interact with her cooking, so it's lacking a lot of stuff.

research can get her cooking close to the real thing, but it's still mediocre. she doesn't even know what she's missing, because she's never known anything else.

she has a lot of weird tastes that can only come from an insane amount of time to kill. i'm talking mustard everywhere.

john and nanna might be able to reign her in a bit? they would definitely help her improve her cooking skills. watching her eat, there would still be something off about her.

however, she can cook for herself, and it tastes kinda good.

ROSE LALONDE

like john in that she had someone there who would cook for her.

mom lalonde is very absent, but she's still on top of things. she responds to rose's notes. she vaccums. she would still cook for rose on a regular basis, give or take a few off weeks.

that cooking would not be good, because she's wasted whilst making it.

even if the food was good, rose wouldn't admit it.

she often makes a show of pecking at her food, but still eats.

unlike john, mom never showed rose how to cook. rose never asked.

when she gets to the meteor, like dave, she alchemizes all the food she needs. there has never been a reason for her to learn how to cook.

she could probably put effort in and, with strife, successfully follow a recipe, but she is a horrible cook. she does not understand it for the life of her, and she won't until she studies it

she'll master it. eventually.

JANE CROCKER

like june. their upbringings are very similar.

one exception is that she cooks more and is a much better cook than she is because jane genuinely cares about it.

she also has some mad pastry skills.

jane can make macarons.

she would attempt to teach her disaster friends to cook, but would quickly lose patience.

and then she would try to cook for them, but get sick of it a meal in. they are very picky and her temper is not long

DIRK STRIDER

survives purely off rations/canned food

again, dave's food is fuel mindset extends to him and he can stomach a lot of "gross" things, like an entire can of peanut butter. i may have mentioned that before, so i'll give you some PD lore. i have eaten an entire jar of peanut butter out of hunger and i think about that event a lot because it was not nice for my tastebuds

however, i think as a control freak he would be adamant about his food schedule, even mathing out the amount of calories he would need to consume for every meal proportional to what he does in a day

and then a half-hearted attempt to balance out protiens, fats, minerals, and the other stuff

he is very adamant about his schedule and consuming the food he needs to survive, but that schedule is fucked

ex. 3 cans of canned peaches for breakfast at 3:50 in the morning. two large, burnt mutated fish for dinner at noon. no lunch. or eats half a can of peaches for the twenty hours he is awake in a day.

he can cook, as in prepare meat to be consumed alright. it's edible, and it's not that bad. but he is assed at combining ingredients. he cannot create something successful. all his food tastes like shit because he does not pick up on taste. though, i believe if he was cooking for someone else, he could set aside a few days and come up with something that's high-tier in the mediocre range.

JAKE ENGLISH

he eats only the meat of the beasts he's killed. he has scurvy.

he is a good cook (in the sense that he can competently prepare meat) though, and genuinely cares about the quality of the food he makes for the sake of his taste buds, and cooking is something he can get lost in

however: he has insane tastes. he is an expert in preparing food in this hyper-unique way that he is insane for but is absolutely disgusting to anyone else

ex. after years of eating similar tasting meat, he was motivated to use seasoning. he does not own seasoning. he is going insane and cannot eat the same thing again. he uses dirt. tastes bad, but god he is dying for something new after x years of eating the same thing for breakfast lunch and dinner. he continues to eat it because he cannot eat unseasoned meat anymore and repetition-causes-complacency's himself into genuinely enjoying the taste of dirt.

dirt is just the tip of the iceberg

jake is also unintentionally bulking (bodybuilders eat a lot of meat to gain muscle). he eats a lot of protien. however, he hasn't herd of the concept of 'cuts' (where you stop eating as much to let the muscles show) so he has a bit of a tummy

but also, he's sixteen so he's not a fridge. i also don't see him as that tall (huss draws him as shorter than dirk anyay huehuehue) but he has muscle if you look. twunk if anything

ROXY LALONDE

genuinely horrid diet

so zoned out and depressed she barely recognizes her own hunger and even then has no drive to do anything about it

will eat sugary stuff for the happy chemicals

roxy is the one trans headcanon i have where i am completely unable to distinguish it from canon

she is trans in my head. that is as much a part of her to me as her love for cats is

anyway like a lot of trans women she's pressured to be petite and small in her portion choices so even when she has the drive to eat i dont think its a lot

because of her likely not weighing a lot shes a lightweight

part one million on how is roxy not dead yet

and as expected, she cannot cook

she also has some really weird tastes

she is really good at baking a few specific sweets that she eats on repeat (with a lot of recipes from jane)

once she enters the medium and works on her drinking problem i think her eating problems would also get less intensive

not drinking as much she has to face her hunger more

and being around jane, a big gal, face to face, i think that would do something to her idea that to be a woman she has to be small

KARKAT VANTAS

troll rations

not only is he poor so no money for all the nice stuff i also dont think troll society has a big focus on cooking

their only main professions are military based and art doesn't seem to be a big focus, just a highblood thing

again probably some nasty cheap ration bars that keep him alive

but i do think he eats regularly and normal amounts, he has that fighting spirit to stay alive and get stronger

but yeah i don't think troll society would require you to put a lot of effort into culinary stuff. but he can prepare the food well

the meteor inspired no one to cook, but he'd get the hang of human food and probably enjoy it as compared to tasteless lowblood troll slop

humanstuck karkat is a kid chef. he is so fucking good at cooking. baking too.

ARADIA MEGIDO

mmmmm yummy troll slop

same as karkat

ghost aradia didnt need to eat anyway so i doubt that would've affected her diet habits

same with got tiger aradia? don't think she would bother with it, too much else to do

but once she starts hanging around in the dreambubbles, exposed to non-troll slop cusine, she'd have a fun time trying to learn how to cook and delight in all those new flavors

then when she gets to earth c she's a good cook who loves cooking

TAVROS NITRAM

i dont have any headcanons fro tavros because is hate him

sorry tavros fans

uhh he probably eats POOP!!! and LIKES IT!!! because he TAVROS!!!

SOLLUX CAPTOR

troll-slop-enjoyer, but also likes aradia's cooking

humanstuck sollux survives purely off doritos and g-fuel

NEPETA LEJION

utter chad

survives solely off the giant beasts she kills herself

ripped yet still small and nimble

her diet is entirely protein

no troll slop for her

unfortunately for her, this means missing out on non protiens and fats

nepeta has scurvy

humanstuck nepeta is less feral and also eats cute japanese cat themed sweets

KANAYA MARYAM

dont know if it was stated in canon but she would garden alongside eating troll slop

blood

yumy blood

roses blood

you would not believe it from looking at her but humanstuck kanaya eats a lot of spicy food and has a horrifically high spice tolerance

she's also pretty good at cooking, mediocre at baking

TEREZI PYROPE

?????? chalk???????

hopefully alongside the slop

either that or troll chalk is really nutritious

VRISKA SERKET

despite technically being a highblood i doubt she'd engage in their fancy food

she eats to survive, not for the taste

she may have access to higher quality sludge though

i think this part of her would persist, but she does love june's cooking

EQUIUS ZAHHAK

pure, distilled protien and milk

so much milk

its not 2%, not 3.25%, it's 100% milk

he suckles it straight from the moobeast teat

it is really weird and he does not get invited to parties

gigachad

humanstuck equius's diet is 1/4 food and 3/4 protien shakes, bars, and the like

he'd probably also be like those bodybuilding influencers who eat eggs raw or camel nutsacks

GAMZEE MAKARA

similar to roxy in that he's too checked out to remember to eat

but what he does have as a highblood is insanely high quality

sober gamzee does not require any sustenance to survive in a similar fashion as to how he got shot down by caliborn and was fine afterwards

humanstuck gamzee can bake. he cannot cook. he has the diet of an insane college student, ramen cups interspersed with weed brownies

occasionally he gets the munchies and eats enough to feed four full grown goku

i like thinking that someone realized he wasn't doing alright tried to help him, maybe roxy? in a universe where he didn't get lil cal'd

ERIDAN AMPORA

only the finest fish food for him

he dines like a king

he projectile vomits when in a 50 mile radius of the sludge

agile, but weak

doesn't cook, has other people do it for him

humanstuck eridan has a private chef and is offended if you expect him to cook for himself

FEFERI PEIXES

finest fish food for her, dines like a queen

but also attempts to live like the normies once and a while

and take a bite of the (highblood edition) slop

humanstuck fef also has a private chef but helps out in the kitchen from time to time

gonna b real dawgs, i cannot concieve of the dancestors in this manner. peace

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