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clarajohnson · 5 months

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the magicians s2e3

eliot giving a real and that's what you missed on glee performance to start the episode

ta fucking da (i am in love with him)

rhinemann ultra is possibly my favorite spell name in this show. certainly the most memorable. i point at the screen when they say it.

lmao i forgot they didn't take care of the cursed thrones yet

if i had been abandoned in rural ren faire land with a spouse i didn't choose and my best friend and crush and crush's girlfriend returned with matching tattoos i would go crazy even without a cursed throne

oo-surpers... yoosurpers.

We're Fine :-l

god i hate to always be the one pointing out when these characters are hot but cursed throne quentin... is kind of hot

of course cursed throne alice is also hot but that's no different than any other alice

jesus you're acting like this is your first regicide

i forgot how often penny is on eccentric mega-personality genius babysitting duty

hiiiiiieeeee marina

she's literally the best i'm such a fan of her character this watch

I FORGOT MY BEST FRIEND HARVEY GUILLEN IS IN THIS !!!!!! BENEDICT I'M ALREADY SAD FOR YOU

i make maps, your majesty ??

be nicer to fen, penny, that's my (tumblr user han clarajohnson's) wife

a benevolent mommy who will solve my problems with her gaia problems? literally marina call me any time anyyyyyy time THE LEATHER SKIRT ARE YOU JOKING

i may truly skip the cupcake scene when it happens i'm already worried about it. it was genuinely my least favorite scene of the entire show last time.

you couldn't hit a fat girl with a fat-girl-seeking arrow... i like it but i don't love it

margo releasing her cacodemon that early is so crazy like without a curse i'm sure she never would've done it and it feels like the writers were just so enchanted by the concept they wanted to use it again. and then they like, didn't use it ever again lol?

you shot me, you cock !!!!!!!

ah yeah i will be skipping all the marina reynard stuff sorry

fen with a crossbow is very pleasing to me

sorry it's like 50% horniness and 50% i love how crazy this show is and what it lets all its characters do, you know?

what's best in life? to crush your enemies ??!!!! i love you cursed throne margo

is it wrong to say i find her death extremely satisfying WHAT DID SHE MEAN BY THAT

PLEASE the noise q makes when el extracts the syringe

alice being disturbed by feeling her cacodemon under her skin is so fun. high fantasy autistic texture aversion.

man it sucks skipping the marina reynard scenes because she's my best friend and wife of twenty years

love the cool dude magic music they use to really emphasize how fun tutting is

MARINA GET THE LEO BLADE DO IT DO ITTTTTT

once again alice is the most not-grown-up extremely mature child in the world tell me why she's about to save the entire fucking universe and she wants a sundae with gummy bears on top

all i can handle right now is a goddamn ice cream sundae !!!! this feels like a trap !!!!!

i remember hating q during this argument and i don't hate him now but it does still kill me that he thinks now is the time to have this conversation. also don't make alice cry quentin

idk how olivia taylor dudley does it but she has this wretched little about-to-cry voice that kills me every time

i have... befouled... the wellspring

god i so don't care for ember i find him unpleasant and unnecessarily grody but i do enjoy the weirdo wellspring twist

i, like the magicians writers, forgot that q incurs an injury for which he will lose an arm

to our pretty corpses :'-)

i love el and margo's casual intimacy they are the sweetest friends

in 2016 "full harry potter part seven slash eight" was still a funny joke. I Assume.

(everyone chanting) NIFFIN! NIFFIN! NIFFIN! NIFFIN! NIFFIN!

perhaps the most pathetic q has ever looked up until this point

if i had a nickel for every time a quinn child had niffined out...

can't not say it niffin alice is so scary hot

aw margo apologizing to alice is so sad once again this character has LAYERSSSSS

feels really revealing that q chose el and margo over alice idk

now i'm not going to say that between quentin and marina as characters i'd choose to change marina's death... but between marina and anyone else i'd choose marina

#now we're into the good shit #unauthorized magicians rewatch #the magicians #text

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geneclarksboobs · 6 months

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birth of manassas: the bible

hidden under readmore - an uncovered stone tablet.

excerpt: GRAHAM, CROZ AND NEIL ALL TOOK A LOOK AT EACH OTHER'S ESTROGEN SHOTS AND LOOKED AT STEPHEN. WAS HE NOT LIKE A BABY BUTCH OR SOMETHING?

STEPHEN ARTHUR STILLS BORN JANUARY 3 1945 WAS BALD BLONDING AND AUTISTIC HE WAS A GREAT COOK ACCORDING TO HIS BANDMATES AND HE WAS A MAMA'S BOY! GRAHAM ONCE SAID: this guy. welp. hes got like a mental illness or something AND HE HIT NEIL YOUNG IN THE FACE. ONCE UPON A TIME HE WAS IN A CAR AND HE MET NEIL YOUNG. HE SAID TO NEIL "YOU COULDA BEEN SAVED BY ESTROGEN" BUT ALAS NEIL SAID "im canadian now. and emo too" AND STEPHEN WAILED. BUT BEFORE THAT HE WAS BEST FRIENDS WITH PETER TORK JUST BECAUSE THEY LOOKED ALIKE. THEY WERE INDEED SISTERS BY CHANCE FRIENDS BY CHOICE. STEPHEN SAID "hey the monkees. you know the monkees? you could be the monkees. -im kinda ugly-" AND PETER TORK SAID "ok! ill be the monkees (i hate the monkees later on). LATER ON NEIL AND STEPHEN HATED EACH OTHER. NEIL SAID "i have epilepsy" AND STEPHEN SAID "aww gee emma lepsy? whos that? her ass jiggle good or no?" AND NEIL HAD A SEIZURE RIGHT THEN AND THERE. THIS WENT ON FOR MANY YEARS UNTIL HE MET THE CROSBY. HE HATED CROSBY. HE HATED CROSBY ALOT. BUT IT DIDNT MATTER CUS HE WAS FAT AND FUNNY. CROSBY SAID "i dont like this guy" AND BANDMATE CHRIS SAID "hey. you know i was writing something on my wrist and it came up on his wrist. i think we might be soulmates" AND HIS BANDMATE ROGER SAID "IRRELEVANT. I HATE HIS AUTISTIC ASS"

AND STEPHEN SAID. "hey. i fucking hate my band. they fucking broke up. hey crosby. join a band with me" AND CROZ SAID "ok. im a weed smoker and womaniser. but we need another woman in this band" AND STEPHEN SAID "hey. they arent any women in this band." THEN GRAHAM NASH ARRIVED. HE HAD JUST BEEN DIVORCED FROM ALLAN CLARKE. IT HAD BEEN A RAW AND NASTY DIVORCE BUT IT WAS ALRIGHT. HE TOOK ONE GOOD LOOK AT CROSBY: "oh great googly moogly! that orange bitch is kind of hot in a thick mama way." HE WENT OVER TO CROSBY AND HIS CHIHUAHUA STEPHEN STILLS AND SAID "hey. youre cool. whats your name. Oh kaff kaff im scik im goigntodie" AND CROSBY SAID "lets form a band! btw i think joni mitchell may be impregnanting you in the next few years." AND GRAHAM SAID "WHAT!" SOONER OR LATER JONI MITCHELL WOULD PUT HER HAND IN STEPHEN'S HAIR AND SAY "hey youre hair is nice and soft. very thin. oh hey that british boy looks kind of impregnatable. can i have a try?" AND CROSBY SAID "oh yes please do its kind of kinky" SOON: GRAHAM WAS PREGNANT. BUT THAT DIDNT MATTER

LATER: NEIL YOUNG WAS FORCED TO JOIN A BAND. NEIL SAID: "oh lordy lordy eh a band full of women eh this isnt going to end well eh. has a seizure" AND STEPHEN SAID "hey they arent any women in this band." GRAHAM, CROZ AND NEIL ALL TOOK A LOOK AT EACH OTHER'S ESTROGEN SHOTS AND LOOKED AT STEPHEN. WAS HE NOT LIKE A BABY BUTCH OR SOMETHING? LATER ON STEPHEN SAID "hey graham i think you have my girlfriend. hey graham. graham graham awwww whatever spits on you spits on you spits on you spits on you spits" AND ALL GRAHAM DID WAS SHRIEK AT HIM AND HIT HIM WITH A BUNCH OF CHAIRS. THEN CSNY DISBANDED FOR A BIT. AS USUAL. STEPHEN SAID TO CHRIS: "hey buddy. i think you deserve a little bit of that mandolin magic baby boy. baby. hey youre kind of a baby butch to me in a way." AND CHRIS SAID: "hey but there arent any women in this band. eh? band? thats weird. im part of no band." AND STEPHEN SAID: "boy you gotta join my band. they call me captain many hands they do. you can be my second hand man. my lieutenant. sleep in my mansion. sleep in the army beds. were you there in vietnam? I was" AND SO MANASSAS WAS BORN

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notasapleasure · 1 year

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No Offence S02.02,03,06 (2017)

Another police procedural!

Episode 2

Sgt Keith Pankani is here and he's here for three episodes!

With my apologies - the channel 4 player leaves a big fat play symbol in the middle of the screen when you pause it.

Keith is working the nightshift at the custody desk in whatever Northern place this is that is experiencing Crime. The drunk girl who stole a cockatoo and describes herself as 'epileptic, schizophrenic, Catholic' is my favourite person so far.

I guess the uniform has to be tight so miscreants have nothing to grab on to, hm?

Scar on his lip that you don't normally see with the stubble :')

Also: arm scar!

Please don't ask me about the plot in this it's as over the top as every other soap. But Alexandra Roach from Utopia is one of the coppers, so that's fun :)

Standard police procedural problem: Nora the gangster is about a million times cooler, sexier, more badass and more relatable than any of the cops.

Well ok, Sergeant Keith does know how to flirt his problems away.

Cockatiel girl: *is annoying*

Keith @ mc, Viv: pls empty my cells and I will give u kisses

Viv: :)))) Best do as he says! your problem Becky!

Becky from Utopia but not Welsh: noooo but I already jailed so many people today

Keith: *hides his smirk badly and pushes a file towards her*

The girl who stole the cockatiel is still the best person here. She doesn't deserve jail or passive aggression from cop lady, Becky from Utopia or not >:(

Aaaaand she's dead! Becky pushed too hard!

This is the lady cops making disastrous errors of judgement show I guess.

Episode 3

It's not often i'd day this but ladies you all need to take off the leather jackets and go touch some grass

Channel 4 describes this as 'outrageous' and I think it's a bit too proud of that as a description. It veers wildly between obtuse silliness and po-faced drama.

Oh my GOD peak copaganda: we can save this man's life with a taser! :|

I still love Nora Attah and her deaf lawyer!!

Meanwhile we've brought in the autistic behaviourist so. Strike that one off your bingo cards! She does like Nora too though: "Stonking STONKING villain! She's ace!"

All right, take the one thing I'm enjoying with no sign of Keith yet this episode and be narratively self-aware about it 🙄

Oh here he is! Rolling his eyes and tutting in the background of the 'comedy relief' scene where one of the cops apparently doesn't know you can't arrest someone for impersonating a paramedic, claims never to have heard of 'de-arresting' people and promptly gets a complaint put in against him.

Is this show actually trying to undermine confidence in the police service?

Keith is very protective over his jail cells >:3

Episode 4 - I shouldn't even have been watching it because no Sgt Keith again until Episode 6 fml

There's a strange old techie man called Miller in this show and he's oddly compelling. I'm already annoyed Viv's pool stunt was actually so sexy, but she IS right too:

Joy: "Can he access all our computers?"

Viv: "He can access cheese on toast..."

Literally makes no sense but it IS a mood. Mind, Viv is a workplace sexual harassment case waiting to happen.

"A kick in the Jackson bollocks" is his catchphrase, he's an absolute creechure.

I feel like the Manchester tourism board didn't have much of a say in this show.

Joy making her useless druggie boyfriend cry was kind of great though. And then......Viv made a Guantanamo joke.

Fucking hell. And the inept cop who didn't know about de-arresting people is there being inept.

Right, enough of that, Episode 6, Sgt Keith where are you?

Nora is raising money to end FGM and tackle it in the immigrant community and I?? Fucking love her. Let her sell her drugs! She's a legitimate business woman!

Also the police department act like they just don't care about bringing the person committing FGM to justice anyway because they're so blinkered by anger at Nora.

*sigh* I think the problem with this is it might just be too accurate a depiction of the police and their attitudes.

There are many beautiful and scrunkly people in this but they're all so fucking awful and still not a hint of Sgt Keith :((

I think imdb lied to me again :|

The end! I’m not watching episode 5 to make sure because it sounds like they’ve made Nora’s son (the actual big bad probably) into a gay sex offender just to go full house on the awful stereotypes bingo card. And I’m not watching episode 7 just to be sure because this is where I draw the line, Chook! If you were playing a character with anything to do I might have bothered, but if I’m missing out on one more desk shot with procedural speak I’ll just have to live with it.

Rating

Dead? Nope, but frankly who’s paying attention

Evil? All the cops in this seem to routinely break the rules, and he’s happy to obstruct defence lawyers so yeah I’m not keen

Affects the plot? *snort*

0.5/5 tragically pointless! The flirting with Viv and the complaining about the cockatoo was cute though.

#adventures in joplin sibtain's imdb page #joplin sibtain #i really didn't think the 20-teens stuff would be so barrel-scrapingly bad :( thank goodness for white gold anyway #c4 no offence #no offence #also look noah fence but i just don't like cop shows

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self-h-rmageddon · 3 months

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ramble about my aromantic tendencies cuz im all. confused im SURE theres a word for this i just think im not ready??? i think like. not in a personal way, in a PHYSICAL way like something needs to change before id ever CONSIDER IT, makes me sick otherwise like theres so many things!! so many hurdles and stuff that would deter me from all that nonsense but i still like the idea of it like the idea is so sweet, its why i enjoy it so much in fiction but. in execution? IDK MAN.. freaks me out for so many reasons

romantic love is so cute bro like. its genuinely adorable to me, i love listening to love songs and just feeling the emotion and passion behind all the words, but ummmmmmm. i think realistically im capable? i just think that any attempt wouldnt go well, i dont think i can give someone what they might need, its always been like. okay 1. im going to be OBSESSED with you ill do anything you say ill let you mistreat and abuse me ill do anything for you okay which is not ideal!! not ideal, made for bad people dont want bad people. but?? on the other hand its also like i cant imagine loving another person more than i love my friends, but thats whats expected of me isnt it? i think they wouldnt like it very much if i had an equal amount but like. is it even possible? I REALLY DONT KNOW.. i know ive said it before, i just feel like. love, not platonic not romantic just LOVE pure unlabeled love. what kind of treatment would i give to a partner that i dont already give to my friends? itd go really wrong there im sure, i dont wanna hurt anybody yknow

idk its like such a cute little fantasy tho isnt it? maybe i meet someone and we become friends and then it leads to something more, is going on dates fun? maybe it would be but. i go on dates with my friends!!!!!! like is it different? i guess, but im out with someone i love i dont see how it could be much different

sometimes it feels like people like me dont get that. its hard to be good enough for someone else, like. i know theres like 8 billion people in the world but its always. im too fat im trans im not hot enough im too mentally ill im too awkward too. TOO EVERYTHING!! so on top of like. how can someone possible be more than what i already have, i have to be good enough too!!!!! so much work, i honestly. after brian, i was so content to just fall back on fictional characters, i know it sounds silly but self shipping LITERALLY saved my life i was hanging by a thread after him and then i found a coping mechanism that made me feel so good

i think its uncertainty, when it comes to fictional relationship? i make the rules, the scenarios, its perfect for me but. in real life you cant do that, im thrown in BLIND. i know its part of life, you learn and grow together but erm... im autistic please dont do this to me PLEASE if i plan out my conversation at a grocery store with the clerk and im STILL THROWN OFF... yeeowch!!

thats the thing im very offputting to other people like. something about me, i can see it in their eyes, see the way they kinda. like im. somethings all wrong with me!!!! they dont like it, i cant imagine myself being charming but.. maybe if i start T, ill be less. dreadfully anxious about seeing other people, then maybe ill flourish a little more. we'll see, it still freaks me out the thought of loving someone more than my friends like TO ME i dont think its possible and i dont want to find out about it okay it makes me sick it feels like betrayal, never tell me otherwise or ill feel awful, its betrayal to me!!!! cuz i want to give my friends the most i can give, they deserve it, so like. what, am i supposed to give less? give someone else more?? like ew who are you1!!! i dont need you i just need my besties thats all i need :] but its still a nice thought isnt it? its cute

i think i just have like a limit on the amount of people i can know at one time, ive always wanted more friends and i have more friends now!! sooo i dont realy need anyone else then? its very easy for me to feel satisfied with what i have, of course i am!!! grateful even!!!! so im like. it just doesnt matter so much to me. nice thought but i dont see it happening like i dont really WANT it to happen like i do but also. like. listen.

am i still gonna throw down to little love songs? absolutely yes sir!! to me tho like its feelings i can easily project onto my friends SKFJS like how me and my bestie kiss eachother on the head okay. because i loooooove them, its so easy because i love them!! its a love song, i dont care what kind of love its made for, i feel love and ill hear it how i want :] ITS. its some weird social bullshit okay, who says we cant? who says we cant go on little friend dates and kiss and hug and be in love with eachother while also being JUST friends? WHO SAYS!!!! its what i dont get, theres some disconnect between romantic and platonic love that i dont see at all. why should one be more valued than the other? hogwash okay its gobbledygook its. nonsense!!! im glad i dont see it that way, the hard part is finding other people who also dont see it that way, i realize my feelings on it arent STANDARD.. still, im satisfied. i have a lot of love to give and im always allowed to give it, isnt that so wonderful?

#i said like 34 times here #very californian of me #this is some crazy bpd moodswing shit alright i know i sound very whimsical here but #watch me crash in like 20 minutes into the deepest darkest depression ever witnessed #maybe ill survive actually. its hard to feel very upbeat at all given the circumstance #this is the lightest ive felt since he went missing #it will not last. why would it

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haiihellooo · 3 months

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"Stares at you with my autistic eyes" "AUTSIM CREATURE!!" I'm UsInG mY rOsE tOy 🤪" "All men are the same" "WhY aRe DiCkS sO uGlY??" "Sex is so gross!!" (Don't have it. Simple) "Bros before hoes <<< Chicks before dicks" (The second one just tries to hard. It's not funny. It's just not funny) "Transfem/Transmasc vibes!!" "I WANT THEIR GENDER SO BAD!" "She was a boy, he was a girl" Neopronouns (Cancel me if you want, I'm not calling you bunbunself, or whatever the fuck) Forced gay/straight ships "Literally any Cupcakke remix" "Let me pretend I care ✨" "YAOI ❤️" "Turns every character under the sun gay/trans" "All bodies are beautiful" (Some just aren't, dude) "Fat acceptance!" (Fat chance) Whitewashing/Blackwashing "Who want me? 😋" "Save this pin for glass skin" "Girl, I-" "Whisper girls" (Aka dumb bitches on Pinterest who think they just came up with the funniest joke known to man) Whispers with either a random ass pic of an anime charcter or some Korean woman pouting. Overly offensive memes (Where's the joke?) "Taylor's version" (I like some of her songs, but please, please, shut the fuck up) "Acne is hot" Most of the MLP fandom (Most of it is just making Pinkie Pie/Fluttershy a serial killer, giving all of them mental disorders, or making them all gay/trans. Stop. Let me enjoy my fucking show) South Park fandom Most of Reddit Most modern music (Call me a "quirky teen" if you want, but I fucking hate modern music. "I don't wanna kill myself, I just wanna fix my health 🖤" Okay? How am I supposed to enjoy listening to that?) "Normalize periods" (I am saying this with 101% sincerity, as a female: Idgaf. "Normalize eating" Stfu, it's a normal thing. Stop fighting for it like you need rights to have a fucking period. Normalize shutting the fuck up) "If fucked ur mom lololol!" This generation is fucked. I hate it. Everyone annoys me.

#I'm done #I am so fucking done #I'm just angry #I'm just letting the intrusive thoughts win at this point

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cloneslugs · 5 years

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oh fuck u sent me multiple so demo/engie/medic/scout and also u can do the one i already sent

ty i love you

Demo

favorite thing about them

he’s super fun!!! but also really smart and caring and just an all around cool dude he’s like B) !

least favorite thing about them

this isnt about him personally lol but like official stuff(comics) lighten the fuck out of his skin and its like. dont

favorite line

i didnt even see this question when i first did this wtf but uh all his “i love you” esque lines are really excellent

brOTP

exclusing soldier lol!!! probably sniper or engie!!

OTP

soldier :’)

nOTP

besides scout & pyro & just like. looking at just the mercs no one really demo deserves love

random headcanon

he likes turtles a lot & just reptiles/amphibians in general just in a kinda neat/favorite animal type way nothing special, he gets around with engie and sniper and they all get drunk and they talk about cryptids, he has a super big heart he loves love, outside of the battlefield he’s pretty apprehensive and cautious moreso than lots of the others at least, he doesnt push himself to be it often just bc he doesnt like leaderly positions but he defo has one of the more valid voices of reason amongst all of them, he loves to help and just listen to people he’s always ready to offer you a drink and take a load off and just talk things out & he’s super chill and easy to talk to anyway, he comes off as really lazy but he can jump up and make do when he needs to

unpopular opinion

idk whats considered popular or not on here lol but like!! he’s not just stupid silly drunk man he’s actually got heart and is pretty intelligent & like probably one of the better off mercs if he wanted himself to be

song i associate with them (this is literally the worst question im so bad at this if i dont have lots n lots of searching time and also i forget all music ever)

cheap thrills - sia

favorite picture of them (sorry 4 bg edits im doing what i have on hand lol)

hes so fucking happy i love you!!!

Engie

favorite thing about them

he’s my fucking husband he makes my heart fucking soar!!! he’s a quiet little sweetheart and he’s just really smart and nice and has morals iusdahui

least favorite thing about them

fucking nothing you animals

favorite line

all his fucking nerdy engineering lines are so fucking good ;____; he’s so smart and passionate god“i love engines! pinion shafts! flanges. mitigating shock loads. but most of all: i love winnin’!” “they won’t know what hit ‘em! though it’ll likely to be bullets. statistically speaking” theres more but im like ;___; just thinking about him ah

brOTP

medic babey!!!!!! i have a thing for shitty best friends that tire each other out (especially on one side) but love each other at the end of the day and are just ride or diepyro also but for completely different reasons :-)

OTP

spy is fucking excellent -.- dont @ me

nOTP

soldier lol (excluding pyro & scout)

random headcanon

i think all the mercs are autsitic but engie is one of my fucking fav ahhhhh, he and medic info dump for hours especially where their special interests overlap and it gets really boring if youre not one of them lol, he loves learning but he hated school so much ):, he has pretty bad anxiety but only under certain circumstance, he’s kinda jealous that spy gets to automatically be seen as a paternal figure bc of scout and he kinda wishes he could settle in like that but he also doesnt think he’d be very good at it for a very prolonged amount of time, he loves math!!!! he loves numbers a lot he associates it with lots of fun and colors and just !!!!! wow wow!!, he has really really really high empathy when it comes to machines and stuff, he loves dogs especially smaller ones, he really loves to fidget w/ tools and stuff bc he always has one on hand and theres lots you can do with some of them, he’s really lazy and has a hard time applying himself sometimes

unpopular opinion

the comics really brush him aside i need to see him more please for the love of god he’s just as interesting as anyone else also fat engie is the only valid engie & also soldier/engie is fucking forced and weird idk where it comes from except they wear hats lol & also people call engie short but if you dont make him 5′00 give or take 3 inches youre doing it wrong and i cant stand by it

song i associate with them

this is like. also a soldier song for me lol but Here I Dreamt I Was An Architect - the decemberists

favorite picture of them

ms pauling and medic!! his buddies :) also i just love the shadowboxers art

his fly costume makes me so ;___; i love you little man

also i hate to default to beard engie but this is literally the sexiest man alive

Medic

favorite thing about them

i have a thing for shitty men with halfway decent hearts but are trying(sometimes) okay like okay he’s so chaotic and bad but ;___; i love you

least favorite thing about them

this mostly applies to his Meet the vid but he comes off as really apathetic and cruel? i think in everything else he comes off as a bit nicer if not absentminded and not too socially aware which is :)

favorite line

bro when he warns heavy about that gun in the comix? gay rights U__U also the like “you can take the brain out of the criminal and put it in a pumpkin, but you cant take the criminal out of the brain in the pumpkin” or whatever shit sir i love you

brOTP

engie baby!!!! i also really like spy & sniper bc im weak for shitty support relationships i think med just works really good w/ everyone really in some way

OTP

heavy baby!!!

nOTP

all of the mercs are fine (excluding the usual lol) but like cHeavymed people are freaks die

random headcanon

he has really poor eating & sleeping habits he almost relies on everyone else to keep him alive, he’s autistic & he’s jewish but not really practicing, he pulls & tugs on things when he’s stressed, he’s actually really smart medically he just doesn’t like showing it/messing w/ people (it makes some of the smarter mercs nervous lol), when he gets bored & has nothing to play with he digs for drama he loves to start unnecessary arguments that have no value whatssoever, he’s scared of dogs, he only trusts sniper & maybe heavy to handle his birds if he were to die, heavy & archimedes are like mega comfort objects(?) for him !!, he’s kinda really bad at showing he likes/cares for people, this goes especially hard on engie ):, he has a really big sweet tooth, he cant cook, he doesnt ever censor himself and can be pretty rude, he’s an open book and has no sense of integrity, he got super attached to heavy right off the bat for seemingly no reason and it was just super awkward lol, he gets distracted really easily and drops projects too often when he gets bored/forgets, his room is a mess he doesnt know how to do chores, he’s trans and hasnt done anything to medically transition but he handles everyone on team who is

unpopular opinion

he’s not a fucking sociopath lol like he has a heart and cares he just has a hard time differentiating right from wrong and doesnt think things out i love you

song i associate with them

this is my emo music time i keep changing this but im gonna go It Was A Swift Not A Swallow - Crywank

favorite picture of them

i cant pick between these two he’s saving his fucking boyfriends life & also the 2nd he just looks so peaceful and :)

Scout

favorite thing about them

he’s a sweet boy!!! he just wants friends and he’s stuck with a bunch of middle aged men we have to love his endurance also he’s a little baby faced menace i love you

least favorite thing about them

in the canon i ignore lol.. too straight we cant have that

favorite line

all his lines talking about how the group of them are all best friends and stuff??? i love that

brOTP

sniper !!!! also spy also everyone

OTP

no one really lol pyro is like. the only one im comfy w/

nOTP

sniper lol if we’re talking popular things & all the rest of the mercs really

random headcanon

he’s a super sweet boy who loves everyone on the team, he warmed up the fastest out of all of them and became super attached!!, he really wants a base dog, he really likes to spend time with everyone and listen to them talk like he loves sitting with engie and having him explain nerdy engineering nonsense that he’ll never get but he tries to but its just fun seeing how excited the other person is!!!, he became super close to sniper right off the bat for some reason which is weird bc scout can talk forever and sniper doesn’t know how to hold a conversation for more than 5 minutes but they like hanging out even if it gets tiring, he lives off of sugary drinks medic keeps telling him to stop, he loves to hang out w/ spy and they get on each others nerves but really enjoy it at the end of the day, he has little to no sense of boundaries, he loves to give hugs!!, he really tries to engage with everyone’s interests like i said he just loves making/seeing other people happy, he loves being part of big groups it always just feels like a big family to him

unpopular opinion

he gay :)

song i associate with them

the calculation - regina spektor

favorite picture of them

trans rights!!!

Soldier

favorite thing about them

he is a sweetheart he is my big stupid husband and we both love raccoons =.=

least favorite thing about them

the patriotism…… we arent having that

favorite line

he’s literally so fucking funny especially all his things w/ merasmus and just. everything

brOTP

excluding demo uh !!! SPY!!!! :D

OTP

demo :)

nOTP

engie x.x

random headcanon

he’s super sweet !!! he loves his friends so much, he loves to show off his raccoons to everyone :), he bonds w/ sniper over wildlife(raccoons), everyone has a lot of patience w/ him bc he struggles to communicate things a lot and kinda needs his time to get points across, he’s actually really observant and it would be really good if he just didnt jump to wild conclusions based off of it all the time, he’s really conscious of his actions and how they affect others like he’s kinda violent impulsively but hes taken note of who is and isnt okay with it or who’s okay w/ him saying what in front of them, he’s really protective of his friends!!! he knows theyre capable but he loves looking out for them, he loves to drag them off on fitness expeditions/training but he tires out before a good number of them/gets bored, he wakes up the earlies he loves the mornings, he can cook but nobody knows it, like scout he loves to indulge in what other people like but he’s more handson he loves to screw in screws for engie or hand medic tools or read out loud to spy or heavy or show sniper things he catches/turn over rocks with him, he loves medics birds but doc wont let him touch them ):, he wants to get a base dog too, he has no volume or tone control, probably the best hugger, he’s kinda shy about personal things like himself in general or being trans & liking guys he’s actually pretty decent at keeping personal things to himself not that he wouldnt share it just feels weird,

unpopular opinion

he’s not just like shouty mean stupid man,,, he’s actually really sweet

song i associate with them

rejoice- AJJ

favorite picture of them

i have worse naked honey pics but this is fucking it lads gay rights

#im like. digging thru my tee eff 2 playlist on spotify this is hell #asks #tf text #sorry this is long lol i feel like im leaving out so much #also shout out to cecil youre the only valid person out here #triplecrossed #if i missed anything kick me #these make me so happy to do i love talking and talking and talking about my interests

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orrtala · 7 years

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Post-season 1 mini-analysis of the characters

It's a liveblog! I only finished season one, please no spoilers in the comments/reblogs!

I won’t be going into details here; the proper character and relationships analyses will be written after S2. But, since few people did want to see my opinion about character after S1, and to help collect my thoughts, here’s this little thing.

I’m going with alphabetic order cause why not.

Hunk

First impression: Please tell me he’s not going to be that fat best friend comic relief. He definitely lives up to his name (nickname?) though.

Actually: Sweetheart genius pun-making big beautiful yellow child. Team’s tank and support. Had a really nice character arc. Gut feeling power. Great chef and mechanic. Anxious and nervous, but also strong and ready to be here when needed by space family and Zarkon’s victims.

I don’t really know that much about him? Nothing about his parents, potential siblings, etc. Heck, I don’t even know if “Hunk” is actually his name! DreamWorks I demand justice, give me his backstory! His family, how did he become friends with Lance, just give me something!

At first he was a cowardly lion (…pun not entirely intended,) and didn’t really have a motivation for being a Paladin except, you know, the whole “universe will be destroyed if I won’t do something” thing. But once the things are calm (before the storm) and Pidge wants to leave the team he expresses a desire to leave as well. So he gets an arc. First of all he gets motivation to save Lance, which is personal to him. Then gets to meet Shay, learns how life looks like on the Balmera, what does it mean to live under Zarkon’s rule. And only then it also gets personal for him. Basically if you want this guy’s help you need to shove the rightful issue right under his nose. And boy, the help he delivers. I’m so proud. Hunk used to be an engineer back at the Garrison; he’s quite knowledgeable when it comes to technology. In addition he’s a good cook, so let’s hope Paladins won’t have to deal with green goo all the time in the future. I’m not exactly sure what writers are planning to do with him in a future, since he does have a motivation and means to continue being a Paladin. The continuation of his arc, I think, will need some big event that will result in things for him to overcome. What it’s going to be? No clue right now. On an ending note: he loves puns. And I don’t think there’s a faster way to worm into my heart than being a pun lover.

Katie “Pidge” Holt

First impression: Okay, so is that a boy or a girl? What kind of name is Pidge? Ah, apparently a guy. A guy that gets angry when Kerberos mission is involved. Hmmmm.

Actually: Poor kid who lost half of her family and is determined to get them back no matter what. A genius, a nice kid, MVP who almost single-handedly managed to save the Castle, the Lions, and her space family.

The character with most known background; we know her family, we know that her father and brother were taken by Galra, we know she has a dog, we know her full name, we got some flashbacks about her life for a last year, when she wanted to find out the truth about her missing family. It’s also implied that while she’s a prodigy two captured Holts apparently were also good enough to be chosen for Kerberos mission. Must be genes.

Pidge might be a prodigy, but is also a little kid who just wants to get her father and brother back. An awkward kid, who rambles when she gets nervous and overthinks things, and, similiary to Keith has a little problem with handling other people. At first solely motivated by rescuing her family “I’m not here to make friends” Pidge initially refuses Lance and Hunk’s friendship at the Garrison, but they got through to her, at least partially. When she wants to leave she’s stopped by Lance getting hurt and decides to stay after seeing how much the team (and by extension the universe) needs her and because she actually cares about her new family. As the season went on she got close to Shiro and Hunk, finding a support in them, just like she had with her family back home. She trusts all six of them and they trust and respect her in turn. The future? Working with Voltron and saving all of them multiple times. Won’t stop searching for her family until she finds them.

Keith

First impression: What is mullet. Why does this kid look like Shadow the Human. He’s going to be one of these edgy kids, isn’t he, he has motorcycle and everything. Also he looks too similiar to Lance from Sym-Bionic Titan, let’s hope I won’t have any problem with mixing their names, that would be awkward.

Actually: My poor isolated red kid not used to relying on others. Good instincs, good fighter, bad at socializing, touch-starved, probably autistic. Survivalist who doesn’t really think much of his safety and is ready to be sacrificial when he thinks the situation calls for it.

His background isn’t explored, but I’m pretty sure it was purposeful. He lives alone in a shack after being thrown out of the Garrison and knew Shiro. Most probably an orphan (or at the very least his parents/one of the parents disappeared and we’ll know more about it later). Too many hints made me believe he’s part Galra. And perhaps even has some space magicks?

The right arm, a pilot prodigy, sadly didn’t get an arc yet. If I’d have to guess it will tie-in with his heritage (*cough*Galra Keith*cough*) and finding answers about who he is. He’s not… great with people; he can’t understand some jokes, he yells at Pidge instead of properly reasoning with her in a calm when she wants to leave, and while he’s not bad at coming up with plans, he usually carries them out alone (though he does have his moments of being Shiro’s substitute when he’s indisposed like in the “Return of the Gladiator”, he is a lancer of the team after all.) Dude lived on a desert for a year and was somehow fine with, I presume, very minimal human contact. Self-sufficient person who now has to learn to work with others. And he tries! …Sometimes. One of the things that confuses me about him is his sword training. Where exactly did he get it? He was being trained for pilot in the Garrison, I doubt they thought he needed such practice. Another thing to add to his secret past? I guess so. From what I’ve seen Keith is a person who relies mostly on his instincts and feelings. Once he sets his mind on something he’s going to do it, unless you’ll give him a good reason (good enough for him) to act differently. He does spend at least a few months in the shack, searching for the source of some energy connected to Blue Lion. And he can’t even explain why he does it. However he is thorough with his search, as his cork board has shown. Has an eye for detail and at times can be inquiring. Knows his faults (when Lance calls him out on the actual mistake on his part he backpedals and agrees,) tries to focus on a bigger picture (Voltron vs Allura in the finale, Pidge leaving the team,) ready to sacrifice himself if he thinks the situation calls for it (stalling Zarkon in the finale.) He is loyal to his team, frequently tries to bond with them despite being a loner (pretty much every free time he spends with a team he’s smiling,) and his actions are focused on helping others and, by extension, saving the universe.

Lance

First impression: An embodiment of DreamWorks Eyebrow™, full of false over-confidence, ruins everything with his actions and- did he just protect his teammate and then took the Sergeant Drill Nasty’s ire on himself and was reminded that he wasn’t supposed to be there? Ohkaaaaay. Also really, really pointy chin.

Actually: Child with self-confidence issues, trusts easily, everyone’s friend (unless you’re Keith and only at the beginning, they’re good-ish now!) team’s heart, relies on his eyesight a lot, self-proclaimed laaaaaaadies man. Probably a hipster.

He’s a Cuban with a family he misses very much. We even get a look at them during the mind-melding scene. Tried to be a fighter pilot and only became one after Keith dropped out.

Ah, Lance. Kid doesn’t really know who he is. I mean, if I was compared to Keith so much and then started to compare myself to him too I’d also get confused. His arc, amusingly, is similiar to Keith’s as in it’s also a quest for identity. Except Keith has some knowledge about his abilities and doesn’t feel overshadowed by anyone, but he has no place outside Voltron. Lance meanwhile has a family back on Earth which he dearly misses, but doesn’t know who he is in a team, can’t recognize his talents. And here’s a thing: not only he’s confused, the audience is supposed to be confused too. It’s really weird how these little things point Lance into different directions, when, ultimately (I think,) he’s Blue Paladin. He likes people, he likes paying attention to them, he’s perceptive, observes their reactions. Easily befriends everyone, even when they refuse his friendship (Pidge.) The only exception being Keith, though before S1 ended they became friend-ish despite initial petty hostility (but didn’t really have that much problem with working with him when the situation calls for it from the very beginning - they did carry Shiro out of the tent together after all.) It’s not a coicidence that he’s a person who gets to interact with everyone first - with a sole exception of Shiro, though even their handshake was a focus for few moments. He’s a team player, something that Pidge considers a dangerous trait. I think the moment that showed best how important and valuable he was to the team when he was out of commision. Literally right after he leaves the party Allura learns that Pidge wants to leave Voltron and can not be deterred by anyone else. The fake Rover blows up, he saves the life of a guy he only just met, and everyone are suddenly working together cause Lance is injured he needs a pod, they need a crystal, Pidge doesn’t even hesitate at offering help, and essentialy it’s a Voltron’s darkest hour so far. He’s a heart, he’s a glue to a team. I don’t really want to think what would happen if he got seperated from space family for a long time; nobody would handle it well.

Takashi “Shiro” Shirogane

First impression: Protagonist’s voice. Also nice eyeliner, man! … …Oh no, poor guy.

Actually: Poor guy. Taken by aliens, forced to fight in the arena, has been experimented on, developed PTSD. And yet despite his experiences he’s a good man with a sense of morality. Deep-rooted issues about him being a Paladin and protector of all these children. Doesn’t fear death, not anymore.

We know his full name. We know he is a great pilot, he can be seen wearing a medal, good enough to be chosen for Kerberos mission. Captured by Galra he essentially lost a year of his life and forgot most of it, only recalling bits and pieces. There are no hints about his family and he didn’t think about them when Paladins were looking into each other’s headholes. Could it be that he doesn’t really have anyone? Might be an extra reason how ge got along with Keith pre-show.

Shiro’s a perfectionist, who tries not let others know about his problems, but is ready to solve everybody else’s. And, sadly, he’s not handling his issues very well, choosing to internalize them instead of talking about them to somebody. It makes sense though, not only he tries to look as a steady figure who’s always in control of his actions, not when these kids rely and look up to him, but also when you consider the nature of his troubles. After a year spent fighting, being experimented on, losing his arm, having his appearence changed (and now I’m imagining how he must have felt when he finally looked into mirror and saw all the scars for the first time brain stop please) he’s not sure who he is anymore. And to add to that he doesn’t know what exactly he did during that year. Who knows, maybe he commited monstrosities for the sake of survival and he just doesn’t remember it? Is he enough to be a Black Paladin? He has PTSD, isn’t that a good trait for a leader. And what could they even say if he did spill his problems to them? They wouldn’t even know how to help him, right? Or worse, Sendak was right all along and they actually don’t need him. Despite his inner turmoils Shiro tries, and tries to be a good leader and wants his new family to survive the war, and for the most part he succeeds! He comes up with good plans on a fly, he knows when teammate’s ability is needed, he’s charismatic, he has commanding presence, he helps others and is always willing to listen to them. The only times I can think of that his ideas weren’t that great were a) letting Pidge leave the team and b) I agree that saving Allura was a Right Thing but in the end it did put everyone in danger and if it wasn’t for Thace’s intervention, well… What really gets me when it comes to Shiro, that despite his experiences he’s a good guy. Yeah, I know that all our heroes are the good guys but Shiro? Shiro was put through unspeakable pain and suffering, and yet he has his morals and sticks to them. He’s also the only person who knows how laser guns sounds like. Good on you, Shiro!

Allura

First impression: !!!! She’s so pretty! And will kick your butt. Effortlessly.

Actually: Do you have any idea how much I wish Allura existed when I was a kid? Hands down favorite Disney DreamWorks princess. Headstrong, brave, kind, strong, sad but tries not to show it, lost everything and instead of wallowing in sadness she wants to fight back the best she can.

Her backstory is pretty straightforward: only child of the space elf alien king, her planet and people were destroyed and she spent 10 000 years sleeping. Not much is known about her mother, but I’m gonna go ahead and assume she died before Zarkon turned out evil. Allura remembers her though.

Allura’s not your usual Princess. And I made no secret of how much I love her character. She lost everything thanks to Zarkon: her father, her people, her planet; the only Altean alive besides her is Coran, there are also her pet mice (to whom she is connected, and, uh, I guess it’s a space magicks explanation for her having an animal companions she doesn’t have to sing to; shame, I’d really like to hear her singing,) the Castle and Voltron. That’s it, that’s all she has. Oh, she used to have her father’s AI as a companion but… But… I’m not going to cry again. Our Princess is terrified of the war, but it doesn’t stop her in her quest of not letting Zarkon destroy any more worlds. She’s sad beyond belief, but she puts a smile on her face in front of others. She’s there to have your back, she’s there to fight when she has to, she’s there to save you. Allura has shown on more than one occasion, that she’s ready to die for others (getting captured by Galra so Shiro could be free, healing Balmera though she knew very well it might have cost her her life.) She’s very strong, and very capable in close combat and using her surroundings. …Not much luck with distance weapons. Unless throwing poeple at others can be called figthing at distance. Also she shows promise in using space magicks, and I’m not sure how much it ties to being an Altean, being an Altean royalty, or something else.

Coran

First impression: Nigel Thornberry. A comic relief, bigger than Lance and Hunk.

Actually: Team’s support, probably smarter than everyone else combined, full of pent up anger at Zarkon that we finally got to witness in the season finale. Knowledgeable about many things. Very old, very sad.

Similiary to Allura he lost everything (besides the Princess) after Zarkon destroyed Altea. But I don’t really know the extent of his loss - did he have any family? Spouse, children? Alfor trusted him and Allura apparently was alway close to him. I’d really love to see some kind of backstory episode for this guy, I bet it’d leave us all in tears.

Coran is a tricky case; he’s the least prominent part of the cast, most of the time spent on being a team’s support. And that’s exactly his role, it’s apparently what he was doing most of his life: serving the royal family. First it was Alfor, now it’s Allura. Trustworthy and capable enough to be left with a Princess, a Black Lion, and a quest on flying a Castle to Arus and then freezing himself up as well. That picture above? It’s a first expression he makes, sad, but solemn in his duties. And it last barely a second before starting some background shenanigans with Lance. And since he is an Altean, experienced at that, I don’t think he’d have that much problem with handling down a teenager. He took a look at the situation, saw that Allura isn’t actually in any danger, but just in case presented himself as harmless, so the newcomers would underestimate him. And, I guess, it was also supposed to be audience’s reaction as well: “Oh look, haha, a comic relief.” He actually is a comic relief, but non-offensive, quite astute, with vast knowledge. Treats his duties seriously, and, unsurprisingly, is very protective when it comes to Princess, trying to not let her step right into danger. Also trolls Paladins while trying to teach them something in a process. It’s also suggested that he’s 600 years old (the Castle is 10 600 and Coran’s grandfather took him to see it being built) and while we don’t really know that much about him it’s not out of reach to think he had family on his own before the war. He definitely has paternal instincts towards the Paladins and especially Allura. So yeah, Coran’s there for you whenever you need him, but he’s not going to step into spotlight, rather choosing to help others in achieving their goal.

Tl;dr: I love them all so much.

#hunk #pidge #shiro #lance #keith #not liveblogging #orr blogging #non episode #coran #vld character analysis #allura #questions #voltron #vld #voltron legendary defender #it was supposed to be short what happened #but i did keep it to minimum really #anyway it's done and i can sleep peacefully

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altamaranempire · 7 years

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an about me meme!

Ok this is really long so it’s under the cut, but it’s taken from @fantrollcollector and covers things like fave food, some life experiences, info about me, all that good stuff in case you’re curious!!

1. are you named after someone My middle name, Bella, is supposed to reference the wife of my parents’ fave painter (mark chagall).

2. when was the last time you cried Two-ish days ago I thought a photo of me looked really ugly and cried because I have terrible TERRIBLE appearance issues that I still struggle with.

3. do you like your handwriting It kind of amuses me that it’s hard for others to read sometimes.

4. what is your favorite lunch meat I mean I’m vegetarian, but I remember I tried turkey lunch meat out of curiosity as a kid and liked it. Not enough to eat it regularly though.

5. do you have kids Do goldfish and a cat count. Because honestly I love them deeply and feel responsible for them so that must count right.

6. if you were another person, would you be friends with you Maybe for art and world building stuff? Could be fun! Idk if I’d have the fortitude to handle my breakdowns though, one me is plenty of effort already.

7. do you use sarcasm Absolutely! Mainly the ‘lovingly insult’ sort, like calling our cat a complete idiot.

8. do you still have your tonsils I have maybe 1/3 of my tonsil tissue left? I got tonsillitis as a teen so baldy they necrosed and most of them died and fell out.

9. would you bungee jump I think that could be fun! I also like roller coasters and swing boats! Basically safety assured versions of being swung around at high speed.

10. what is your favorite kind of cereal Oh man. Difficult. Maybe all-bran? I know that’s boring, it’s nice though. Or shreddies? The bulky, fibre-y ones so you’re not really hungry 10 minutes later, for practicalities sake.

11. do you untie your shoes every time you take them off Hell no. I ruin the heel part of the shoe over time forcing them on and off.

12. do you think you’re a strong person Ehhhh I mean I’ve done some crazy stuff but I cried through most of it. So that’s up to interpretation.

13. what is your favorite ice cream flavor Possibly raspberry ripple, lemon-ice or clotted cream? Basically rlly ‘english’ flavours that are hard to explain.

14. what is the first thing you notice about people Probably clothes or hair colour. I have a hard time telling people apart and recognising faces. If you change your look enough I won’t recognise you at first.

15. red or pink Aren’t they basically the same chunk of spectrum with some variation in how much white is mixed in? I like both haha.

16. what is the least favorite physical thing you like about yourself Oh god well I have atrocious issues with this as stated above but someone please save me from my weak chin. I’ve considered saving for plastic surgery in future if I’m ever financially stable because I have trouble looking at pictures of myself or my reflection if I’m not specifically posing to hide it. Since it’s a bone structure thing and not just a fat thing, losing weight doesn’t help with it which is probably the most depressing part. I’d need stuff removed or something surgical.

17. what color pants and shoes are you wearing right now I’m wearing blue fleece leggings and grey snow boots bc it’s all wet and snow-melty today.

18. what was the last thing you ate Ramen noodles.

19. what are you listening to right now The boss at our workplace has folk-rock on and it’s killing me slowly if I think about it too much.

20. if you were a crayon, what color would you be Maybe a nice shade of blue or turquoise! Or a nice leafy green<3

21. favorite smell The toasty smell of clean laundry that dried in the sun, the smell of coffee shops, or the smell of rain on leaves.

22. who was the last person you spoke to on the phone A friendly lady in indiana helping me set up my health insurance.

23. favorite sport to watch I don’t watch sports. I’m sorry it really doesn’t hold my attention. QvQ

24. hair color Dirty blonde??? light brown??? I’ve never known what to call it. I dye it red bc it makes me feel uncomfy and not like myself in the natural colour though.

25. eye color Hazel.

26. do you wear contacts I’ve considered it, but it sounds like effort so I stick to glasses.

27. favorite food to eat Chewy foods. I really like red bean paste too. Also coffee or halapenjo flavoured things.

28. scary movies or comedy Depends what kinda scary or comedy. I get more messed up by socially awkward comedy than horror though so I might opt for scary for safety’s sake.

29. last movie you watched I... don’t... remember... I’m worried it might be Rapsitty Kids: believe in santa.

30. what color shirt are you wearing It’s that hipster fake ugly sweater pattern. The warm red-blue-cream-green kind.

31. summer or winter Third option: Autumn/fall. QvQ Midsummer is too hot and Midwinter is too dark.

32. hugs or kisses Both at the same time!!!!

33. what book are you currently reading Kolonie- it’s an artbook that’s more or less about scifi world building.

34. who do you miss right now Perhaps aestheticdraco/denfused.

35. what is on your mousepad I use a touchpad and it’s all gross and finger-printy

36. what is the last TV program you watched I don’t own a tv. Too much money, not enough interest. I watch Steven Universe though!

37. what is the best sound Running water: rain, fish tank filters, the sea, streams. It’s all perfect.

38. rolling stones or the beatles I literally hate both. People insist I must like the beatles bc they’re british like me but mostly their stuff makes me really uncomfy bc I don’t like surrealism. I’m too autistic for surrealist humour, I can’t rationalise it and that scares me X’DD

39. what is the furthest you ever traveled I’ve actually travelled a lot! I’ve gone from the uk to a few places- Egypt, Denmark, France, Switzerland, Spain and Germany for instance. I moved to the USA and currently live in RI, I don’t know if that’s the longest physical distance but it’s the most important!

40. do you have a special talent I like arts and crafts I guess? Maybe it’s goldfish keeping ahahahah.

41. where were you born London, England.

42. people you expect to participate in this survey @cosmicsynthetics, and anyone else who wants to!

#text post #long post #about me #me rambling

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pronetopronoia · 6 years

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Live From Iowa, It’s Saturday Evening

Saturday Night Live is on Summer Break. I hope everyone budgeted their money correctly! Wait, what?

Anyway. Now’s my chance! And by chance, I mean what’s the fucking “laziest” way I could possibly make fun of Saturday Night Live “for no reason” as a personal market study that will warrant no measurable results to use for any kind of advertising income generation at some point at least in this particular format but has the extremely minute possibility of maybe actually entertaining the audience of Saturday Night Live, if they happened to see this, even though it’s Memorial Day Weekend and everyone should be outside enjoying themselves... and also, who reads anymore, right? Like, is there a summer market for this kind of content in written form? People read poolside, right? Or is the glare on their phones with the sun fucking it up? I’m sure I can send you an Instagram account with RayBans on the supa-cheap that has recently followed me with polarized lenses.

Ugh. Fuck it, I’ll throw in music and video clips too. See below.

Commencing. Market. Study.

Celebrity Host Monologue from a Traditional Aging Farmer: Have you all (addressing just so many children it’s unbelievable) had your suppers yet? It’s 7:30pm so you most definitely have. Do you all wanna have a walk around the property? Then we can settle in and watch Saturday Night Live together all in a row sitting very closely on this couch. I want you all to see what the world is like outside of these beautiful rolling hills and valleys. Oh god. Wait. Ezekiel, what is that rustling out in the field??? Oh God. (picks up rotary receiver phone) Hello?! Is there a dial tone to this farm phone? I can’t hear it. HOW DID I END UP HERE?!?!

Other Celebrity Guest Host Interrupting: MeeMaw you should calm down, it’s gone be OK.

Yet Another Celebrity Guest Host Interrupting: No, it’s my turn to hold the remote!

And a Fourth (deadpan): You always get to choose it’s my turn.

And a Fifth: But I have been waiting the longest!!

Everyone Collectively: WE KNOW

And a Sixth: May I be Excused?

MeeMaw: No! You all need to sit down and wait until I determine the source of the noise in the field. God help us, your father always leaves us here to deal with this alone. And on a Saturday night to boot!

And a Seventh: Maw it’s just a lynx or somethin’

And an Eighth (adopted): Man, fuck all ya’ll! White people be crazy!

DEAD SILENCE

The Fourth one Again, Breaking the Fourth Wall (deadpan): Live from Iowa, it’s Saturday Evening.

*Note (written as dialogue):

“These particular sketches would be a bit costly. Also “show don’t tell”.”

“Man, fuck you! I like a narrative.”

*Queue the beauty and simplistic pleasure of just “lazily” writing them out. Should someone be compelled to read versus stare transfixed at the flashing lights of a picture box. Sit on your goddamn porch and read something god dammit! It doesn’t have to be this. Actually, I am reading THIS right now and it is FUCKING HILARIOUS*

Also, remember kiddos, THIS IS NOW IN ITS ASSET/DEBT/WORKING CAPITOL ACQUIRING PHASE so if you are actually reading this and you need some inspiration to come up with a project feel free to rip on any of this, actually write it, and submit it somewhere, preferably to THIS NEW ENTERTAINMENT CORPORATION HEADQUARTERED IN IOWA I’VE LITERALLY JUST MENTIONED - HOWEVER, please wait until it has enough working capitol to produce your project. When will that be? It will let you know. It absolutely wants to facilitate the production of your project unless you do it first, your call.

Sketch One:

A young, single, mid-30′s woman relocates to Iowa to “settle down” after years of battling it out in corporate America and a baker’s dozen of mental breakdowns. By “settle down” she means “chill the fuck out” but the term “settle down” in Iowa means something far more sinister. For you see, in the Midwest, you come home to die. And by die we mean get married, get fat, and reproduce. Not necessarily in that order, depends on the dude I guess? Also, same-sex coupling is a completely normal and celebrated thing here too and those same exact rules apply, which is seriously awesome.

Respect people that personally aren’t into that for themselves.

Anyway, things are very safe here but still, don’t you fucking dare think about going to the gas station in the middle of the night for Funyuns because:

A. Oh sweet fucking christ the chemicals!

and

B. The perfect mash-up of Shaggy’s It Wasn’t Me/John Legend’s All of Me/Green Day’s Time of Your Life will be playing over the intercom just a little too loudly and you’ll make eye contact with the cashier and sweet god so help you, you better answer “YES” like a robot to their completely unnecessary yes or no question or get ready to run for your fucking life! Actually make sure to set very clear boundaries and be ready to run reguardless. When’s the last time you worked out by the way? In either situation you’ll need to be at the top of your game.

Sketch Two:

A Midwestern comedian is given an extreme discount on a coveted, famous, Midwestern race from one decrepit silo in one county to a newly-erected wind turbine in the next as a joke because she did not properly train as she said she would. #subtledarkhumor #thisisiowa

Sketch Three:

Sue gets a job at a local paper run by a husband and wife duo. But get this, the wife is a hologram and the husband is Mr. Pickford! Shenanigans are afoot! Luckily she is permitted to listen to music at a reasonable level through her government-issued, personal, deep-ear speaker system. The actual insane twist ending? Sue is actually Bob from Office Space (which one? The nicer, clueless one) and she’s here to save her job, those of those around her, and create some more because she enjoys what most others can’t seem to deal with as far as work goes. Actual work. She also enjoys sales. It’s hilarious.

This Week’s Musical Guest: Beat Connection (click to watch a performance of So Good shot live on KEXP Seattle)

HERE IS THE MUSIC VIDEO AS A SHORT FILM

*CUT TO COMMERCIAL*

Suddenly during commercial break the producer is accidentally heard in conversation via everyone’s headsets. EGADS!

Producer: “Post the video clip too. People will just watch it for what it is. They will either understand it fully. Or do a write up in the fuckin’ paper tomorrow we can laugh at.”

Key Grip (sarcastically): “OR FUCKING DIEEEEEEE”

HEAD WRITER’s SOLILOQUY:

“Yeah, sarcasm on the DIEEEEE part Brant. Seriously. If this video is leaning anyone towards feeling like that it’s time to seek a little assistance in the form of mental health help, there is nothing wrong with that, there is help available - the help is not death - death happens if they don’t get help which may sound appealing but those folks are actually really, really needed here with us if you understand the video to the point of it leading you towards actual death thoughts Also don’t let anyone you don’t feel comfortable with help you because if someone is making you feel uncomfortable there is a reason for that, go to the ER yourself or call an ambulance

Unless you are an actor. If you don’t fully understand all of the above fucking go through with it or fucking stop wasting everyone’s time. No, I won’t explain it to you. Also, pick one thing and stick to it. Follow. Through. That’s why no one wants to be around you. If you’re that bored/lonely/desperate, take up writing or fucking find a hobby with some like-minded friends.

Real Writers, Comedians who are not actors, Dancers, Actual Musicians, and Visual Artists, you’re good. I mean that.”

Director: I have a question? Which type of artist is the most annoying?

Producer: Depends on the day Head Writer: Me, I own it though... so definitely actor

Key Grip (looking down sheepishly): Agreed

*OK QUIET ON THE SET, WE’RE LIVE IN 3...2...

Sketch Four:

An exact re-creation of the scene in Billy Madison where the kid pees his pants but it’s all grown adults and replace peeing your pants with thumb-sucking. Asulting is hard!

Sketch Five (TV Funhouse Short Film): ‘Rape Culture’

Kae, A mid-thirties woman is so annoying she’s turned every man she’s ever been with gay and can’t find a real friend in the same area code who can put up with her for any extended period of time. Also, she hasn’t been laid in like, FOREVER. She decides to just settle for women, that’s great because she loves her best friend, I mean, she CREATED HER. #musichumor

Suddenly, by the literal grace of god, she meets a female to male transgender man that gives her the attention she craves. She falls madly in love because he looks like her favorite Marvel Supervillian. He only did the gender change sarcastically though but either way it works out. #somethingbigiscoming #doyouunderstandboundaries

Sketch Six: Shot in the Style of RENT the Musical

Brad and Susie work together but Susie is a little older and more laid back due to prior experience but Brad is kind of fascinated and likes to try to guess what she’s thinking and/or read her mind because that is a thing (he’s not the best at the mind-reading thing though because she is also aware of how computers operate). Also Susie isn’t super fat or blowing her nose all over the place anymore so he’s gotta come up with something quick because he’s got a show on Friday.

Suddenly Brad is thrown into a three-ring circus involving his and other peoples’ living situations and the social dynamics of his friend group that only an outsider like Susie can truly appreciate the humor in. Oh, but Susie mentioned her best friend from high school in LA one time and now that person and Brad are besties. Susie is again off the hook because then Brad can hang out with Susie’s best friend and she doesn’t have to. Brad is actually like the best coworker ever for real.

Show ending musical number:

BEAT CONNECTION’S ILLUSION

G’night!

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