#finally I remember to post more regularly.....hopefully more tomorrow lol

[bestrollever]

Grilling soon...! Meet Mustard&Pickle, the friendly staff at Paw Burger's joint!

#hamburger #burger joint #food illustration #food illustrator #food art #finally I remember to post more regularly.....hopefully more tomorrow lol

[dandelionpath]

I’m not sure what to classify this as but like the closest I got to the astral travel I want to achieve was like 👌 (if you can’t see emojis it’s the pinch emoji) like I was meditating and I move starting with the tips of my fingers n toes while physically meditating, I Like was able to change my position astrally more drastically than usual and the voice in my head altered somewhat (like I mean one’s thinking voice lmao) to be more like what I presume the voice of my astral form would be? (1/?)

(2/?) it was pretty cool but like before I could do much else all my muscles like seized up or moved at the same time again and it like brought me back to step 0 >~(3/?) closer and closer and eventually be able to on my own that’d be pretty cool lmao. I’ve technically been able to astral travel before but not in the way I want to specifically, like I have a pocket universe thing where I keep my astral space and thoughtforms (I have one son thoughtform that I joke is basically Jesus cuz he’s like my manager for it and he’s great at his job lmao) and I go there to a beach near my original astral space sometimes to feel the sand and surroundings but it’s (4/?) kinda like I’m there but only remotely? Like it’s like a phantom presence of sorts I guess. I can only get little glimpses of surroundings when I do that rip :( sometimes I can sense and even visualize stuff better though and those times are great lmao but I haven’t yet been able to find what might determine any differences, it seems mostly random >~(5/5) if that would be okay. Thank you again for your help and stuff, and I like reading about your experiences in your posts! Thank you again for your help :D 

FIRST OF ALL, I'M SO SORRY FOR TAKING SUCH A RIDICULOUSLY LONG TIME TO ANSWER YOU OML?????? I had a whole humongous answer written up and then my computer just chucked it out the window so I procrastinated a lot in writing it all up again aaagh I'm so sorry, that was the worst of me to do to you! Also had mental health stuff going on, but I definitely could have and should have answered you earlier, I am so so so sorry!!!So!! Here I am and let me try to help you as much as I can without writing an entire novel of an answer for you to read OOPs LOLlemme get all the jokes and oohs and aahs out of the way first dsdgsdfjkl: that sounds so cool and exciting omg!! that's such an interesting experience!! i'm glad u had that!! the astral voice is so wildly cool omg??? that's such an incredible experience!!!! god that's the worst feeling where you're finally getting somewhere and then your body just NOPES right out of it aaagh! YOUR JESUS THOUGHTFORM SON SDGDSFJKL I LOVE THAT

okay so first off (UPG and SPG): the pocket dimension ur describing sounds like a realm that's in between ur imagination and the astral. it's a bit of both. it's probably a realm that you created that's part of the astral that you've created. the astral is endless, and you can create new parts of it that aren't attached to anything else. so you've most likely created a little realm of your own that you can change around as you please (most likely using a bit of energy, otherwise that'd be just your imagination if you could move and make things instantly and without expending any energy). in these realms you can invite any spirits you want, and can have thoughtforms and everything there! sometimes realms like yours will eventually grow on their own and attach themselves to other realms, and that's why you still want to ward your space because spirits would be able to get in fairly easily if the realm attaches itself to another realm.in this pocket realm, you can control stuff (and controlling things uses energy) and it follows mostly your own rules i would assume. you can also create things (i always imagine it like minecraft when i'm working on pocket realms lol) but this uses energy as well. does that sound right?so, assuming that's what this is, I think the reason why you're only catching things in glimpses is just because either a) you need more practice, or b) that's just how you experience the astral. it could also be a bit of both of those reasons! personally, when I'm astral traveling, I don't often get full clear HD continuous vision. when i do get that, it's a huge energy drain and it also requires me to be super relaxed and of the right vibration at that time. aka it rarely happens and i actually don't prefer it because it takes way too much energy. it's not worth the energy drain for me! OKAY ANYWAYS LMAO: when i astral travel, i see it in only quick glimpses every few seconds. most of it is actually just me sensing what's going on. it's difficult to explain, but let me attempt to dgsfjkl: imagine that you're in your room and it's pitch black. you have a pretty good idea of where the furniture is, and so you can make your way around without bumping into too much. you know what's around you even though you can't see it. it's kind of like that, except things are moving and speaking and i've often never been there before. i hope that makes sense lmao ^^; (i'm actually considering making an animatic of what my astral travels look like, bc it's difficult to explain,,,, but that's a ton of work lmao) i actually feel a little bit like i'm there remotely, but also not?? i'm often still very much aware of my physical body, but the longer and more focused i am on the astral, then the less aware i become and my physical body kind of fades into the background. 

one tip i have that's helped me is to feel your consciousness in your physical body, and then kind of shift that consciousness to your astral body. sometimes i just like... fling my consciousness/awareness over into the other body, and that works? idk, try it out!

so! for advice, i'd say: 1) keep practicing!   2) lower your expectations for yourself, you're not going to be able to see HD vision in the astral, that's just setting yourself up for failure and frustration!   3) work on talking to spirits some more in this plane! this will help with astral traveling because then you'll kind of know how your metaphysical senses feel when you're doing them right! you'll have a bit of a better idea of how it feels when what you're experiencing is "real" and therefore how it feels when it's fake/you're making stuff up.   4) if you want to, see if you can ask someone (spirit or human) to pull you into the astral! I've done this for a friend of mine, and it did help a bit!   5) and finally, and i think most importantly, remember that this takes practice and work and there won't usually be any immediate gratification. some people take weeks to learn to astral travel, others take months, and some can take years,,, if you practice and work at it regularly, though, i'm sure you'll get there! 

i hope this doesn't get to you after you've got this all figured out (or maybe hopefully it does bc then you'll have progressed a bunch and that's awesome!)! i just hope this helps you in some way, at least even a tiny bit!! let me know!! i'll answer ur q waaaay faster if u send any other ones in, i promise lmao!!!

#comet answers #I feel so incredibly bad dude like... I should've answered this like two months ago..... that was so bad of me I hope u can forgive me!!! #astral travel #astral

[anxious-amethyst]

I don’t see people go into the nitty gritty bits of mental health..

And I mean those details that I find not many people speak of. As if its taboo to mention we are human. I have a filter made of cling wrap with giant holes in it. And the cling wrap bunches up in places too, distorting the words to others’ perspectives; making me come off as a bitch. (I truly am a very kind person, I am just bad with social skills at times.) My point being, that I have no problem speaking my truth to all of you invisible faces that may or may not see this. I’m sure down the road, if I ever finish and publish my novel and become J.K. Rowling famous (a dream of mine) that this can easily be dug up. I will smile with a small laugh in that interview with Stephen Colbert and be frank. 

The tags come at the end of a post and not everyone filters everything that makes them (is it squick? what was that word that is a better replacement for trigger..) So as a heads up, if you absolutely can’t stand the thought of body, hmm, uh functions I suppose. (Not sure what category my topic falls in to) then I have given you an escape rope. (Now I want to play Pokemon again.)

As I am being completely honest and transparent, I literally can’t seem to figure out when A. my nervous breakdown began (still in it) and B. when I last showered, heck even brushed my teeth. Now I know several things, thankfully. One being that I have not left the house this whole week from April 14th to today, April 20th. Easter is tomorrow and I am forcing myself (to the best of my abilities) to attend Church and the whole family get together. My plan being, Church is for God and you owe it to him and yourself to go and be lifted up. Family gathering is going to be hell, no point sugar coating it. So bring a book and think of the Strawberry/Pretzel Casserole that Aunt Faith hopefully made and the sweet pickles that Pop-Pop usually brings. Remember to be kind to yourself and fake a smile, these are the people you do NOT want to be honest with. Lie through your ass like your life depends on it because in a way, it does. You are not obligated to say anything more than hello, give hugs however because you need and love them. Do speak for a bit so as not to be rude. But the book is your safety net. Deploy it ASAP. And somehow get your loving cousin to attach to your sister instead.

A nitty gritty part that is not gross, is the withdrawal... from everyone. Like I’m straight up not talking to anyone unless I have to, and society is out of my mind. I do however, happily speak with my irl friend when she messages. I know she is busy though and has her own problems so I try to censor my frankness quite a bit because she doesn’t deserve that kind of worry. Unfortunately, my parents and sister are not able to be kept out of the whole truth for their protection. They see it. I don’t even have to say a thing. I have been threatened with a, how to put this nicely, place full of even crazier people imo and where they drug you to the high heavens. Yeah. I’m not flying over the cuckoo’s nest. (Deep terror of those places, this will not be helpful to me.) But that gives you an idea of how bad this breakdown is. The other thing I know, is that it started on Sunday. I’m inclined to believe that it was the April 14th Sunday, but am unsure as it still feels like Monday. So maybe this breakdown is heading into a week, maybe not. One thing is, those websites were right. The longer a breakdown continues, the worse it gets. Each day is less and less food, water, and movement. And that’s just basic necessities. I’m trying to hold out for my therapist appointment coming up next week. She has so many people though, that each appointment is a week or two, sometimes more, away. Not exactly the best mental treatment for my situation, I admit. But I am stubborn, perhaps that stubborness can save me while I also shoot myself in the foot. Its possible.

Now for the gross nitty gritty. Apologies for the many tangents, turns out when you don’t talk to anyone for a week, you end up with a lot to say. Good news! I finally showered AND shaved my armpits which hadn’t been shaved in months. So they can breathe I guess, and my skin can breathe too LOL. But with depression can come fatigue. I have that. So a normal depressed person can be way too exhausted to even think of a shower. For others, it may be some other form of hygiene. All forms of hygiene have died with my depression. On top of that, the bitch depression bought a horrible, mangy dog with her called Executive Dysfunction. This mutt dogs your every step. (Thank God, depression didn’t steal my love for jokes, puns, and metaphors.) Some people have depression that goes an extra step and brings about the literal destruction of that executive function system in their brain. (I just mean that the signals are all fucked up.) And then, some people with both of these also have Anxiety! So they end up with all of these contradicting thoughts and emotions that in the end, makes tasks, like showering, unaccomplishable. Now there are many other conditions that bring about these issues, I am aware, but I am speaking of my own and know for a fact that I can’t be the only one with these kinds of experiences. So this gross factor goes out to all of those who have experienced the same level of cringe or worse, and aren’t up to the potential ridicule that comes with expressing your truth. (To be clear, I’m not dedicating a gross thing to you out of spite, I just mean I’m making a problem you have encountered, heard as well.) 

By the end of the shower, I could barely make it. I was slowing down realllll fast. The NeebsGaming video I was listening to on YouTube is what got me through the shower. Gosh those guys are great. I shaved my armpits before washing my body because I figured stray hair or shaving cream might be in the crevice of one’s arm that I legit can’t see, even with glasses. Between the amount of hair that came out of my head during scrubbing shampoo like a madman, any stray dog hairs that my head picked up from my pillow which my dog sleeps on when he waits for me to snuggle, and the long armpit hair; the drain was kinda blocked. Our shower has that metal thing with holes in it, so its not as terrifying of a drain. But excessive hair or large lumps of solid soap (from a soap bar) can block off a hole. Or in my case, all. So water is not draining, which naturally means the tub is filling. My body is slowing down and I’m trying to push through it while not thinking of the disgusting water approaching my feet. If you’ve ever washed your hands after not washing them for ages and touching many things out in the world, the water, and sometimes soap, turns varying shades of gray. Depends on the dirt particles and amount of dirtiness.Well I has transparent, because its water, charcoal shaded water approaching me. As if my own filth refused to leave my body and was threatening to drag me down the drain with it. 

When I finally finished and got out of the shower, I almost decided to just leave it. Thinking that maybe it will eventually drain on its own. I’m glad I didn’t. I began reaching my hand down to the drain and told myself not to think too much about how pubic hair makes me cringe and how pulling hair from a drain in general, makes me gag. Its a disturbing act if you ask me. Now I’m struggling to get armpit hair off of my hand and there’s somehow still loads more! So I dry my other hand on my towel and rip off a piece of toilet paper. The water is still not draining and I disturbed the many hairs when I went for the first grab. So now I am fishing in charcoal water for clumps of armpit hair. Then wiping it onto the paper. The water finally drains..... oh no.... I kid you not, a whole fucking trail of dirt was left on both sides of the tub on the water’s way to the drain. I take the showerhead and turn it on. Now I’m washing hair and dirt and some other substance I couldn’t see at the time (nearsighted plus the tub is white) down the drain. Except the hair covers the drain again. Typical. At least the dirt and the tub was rinsed. Since there’s no more water, I take a sheet of toilet paper again, and save myself from having to deal with pubic hair that sticks to any surface. (Seriously, what is the deal with pubic hair.) But there’s something else in it. And a lot of this something else. Like a whole body’s worth. The pubic hair is laced with large clumps of tannish, white (my skin color) skin cells. Now I have rubbed my arm before and made a trail of dead skin rolled up into fine lines appear. In the shower I wiped my face with my hand and pulled away that same rolled up skin. But I have never, experienced this amount of filth from myself before. I am still rubbing off some skin, so I probably should have washed my body a second time.

When you become so “broken” that you can’t seem to take care of yourself in a normal time and a healthy manner, you get to learn new things about the human body and experience some events that you probably could have gone your whole life without knowing. And that is something that I feel should be shared more often. That when the person who experienced this, opens up to those they trust, or to a complete stranger, that an appropriate reaction and response be given.

Julie: And then I saw large clumps of my own skin!

Tyrone: Oh damn girl, that is nasty. 

Julie: I know right! But the saddest part is, it probably won’t be the last time. I don’t think its enough to get me to shower regularly. 

Tyrone: Julie, while that isn’t “fine”, it is fine. It is understandable. You are experiencing and suffering from a very real problem. While I can’t confidently say it is or isn’t in your control because I’m no psychologist or whatever, I can confidently say that it won’t always be like this. I doubt that your whole life will be this mess that you are in. Now you may not be back to peak function a year from now, but you will definitely be more knowledgeable of yourself and probably better than you are today. It takes time and so long as God doesn’t need you in Heaven, I’d say you have time. *chuckles* I don’t know all that you are going through, I just met you. And I don’t know how to help you in a way that you may need. But I can certainly offer an ear or two, and a hug if you want one. You just keep on trucking on. You aren’t doing much, and you aren’t doing well. But you are here, and that’s an achievement in of itself.

Julie: Wow, thanks Tyrone. This really helped. One weight on my chest has been lifted, and I will take you up on that hug if you don’t mind.

That’s what it should be like. So if you are reading this and are like Tyrone, not suffering from mental health issues, but you know someone who is, or a stranger comes up to you in need of someone to listen to them; be like him. Offer encouragement and understanding, give advice if asked for it, don’t force physical contact without consent because some people are paranoid (like me) and choose your words and expressions carefully. If someone tells you something gross, react like you are grossed out (which you likely are) but don’t put them down for it. I imagine Tyrone to have that expression of “holy cow, you serious that this happened” when he said it was nasty. That easy going expression can clue Julie in on how he isn’t getting on her, or implying anything sexist by how she is a woman and shouldn’t be this filthy. He’s jovially charismatic, and open. That makes Julie comfortable and feel lighter. Now I included religion in Tyrone’s comment to tack on some humor without making jokes at Julie’s expense, and to show how to appropriately use your spirituality, if you have one. He’s not forcing it down her throat, she may not get the satire of the joke, but he tried. Not to mention, that Heaven, in Christianity, is a place where you are whole and happy. When you go to Heaven, you are with God and your loved ones. You live an eternal life of peace. So for him to imply that she is worth God’s eyes and Heaven, means that he respects her and is lifting her up. Bonus, he is reassuring her that while time is not infinite and we don’t know what the future holds for us, as of today, she still has plenty of time to get back on the track that she desires to be on. Instilling hope and faith. If you were on Julie’s side of life, wouldn’t you want a kind and funny Tyrone to listen and talk to?

#gross tw #depression #anxiety #executive dysfunction #long post #mental health #advice #personal #christianity

[licensedlesbian]

1-102

Damn... alright1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?- it was probably my grandma or grandpa and yes they did2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?- mmm under very certain circumstances. If they were a senior in high school I think that would be okay, but if they were a freshman in college I’d be pretty cautious about it and probably wouldn’t go for it //3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?- done!4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?- yea, cute ones 😉5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?- I have no love life and the only person mad about that is me 6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?- I don’t think so7. What exactly are you wearing right now?- I’m literally wearing what I wore in the last selfies I posted lol8. How often do you listen to music?- everyday. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t and I usually do it for 6 hours a day on average 9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?- jeans!10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2013?-... this is a little outdated and I can say these past 4 years have been a very dramatic change lmao 11. Are you a social or an antisocial person?- I’m super social!! I love people and being around them!12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’?- I don’t think so13. What about ‘R’?- yep. She was kind of a bitch :/14. Can you drive a stick shift?- no but I think it would be really cool to learn!15. Do you care if people talk badly about you?- I try not to bc some people are just shitty, but sometimes you can’t help the way you feel :/16. Are you going out of town soon?- nah :/17. When was the last time you cried?- like last week after my math final that I thought I failed... I got a 79 but it took my grade for that class down by two grades :/18. Have you ever told someone you loved them?- yes but I don’t do it often :/19. If you could change your eye color, would you?- I think I would like for my eyes to be like a warmer or lighter brown but that’s kinda it20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for?- my best friend Emory, he’s my bitch and I love him 21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.- I work at 7 and I’m going to be doing drive thru in negative digit weather :/22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?- nope. Disgusting. Revolting. Horrible. Don’t touch me. 23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?- I’m dating no one :/24. What are you sitting on right now?- a booth in a restaurant25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?- uhhh man my family rarely tells me they love me and no one else sure ever does 26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?- have u considered... the trajectory of my entire love life ?27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?- uhh I think it was my pal Shelbey 28. Do you get a lot of colds?- not really but I’m usually always congested because im allergic to the literal air 29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from?- I got it from a show I was doing freshman year. We had to do a dance number and we all got plain black tee shirts 30. Does anyone hate you?- yea probably lmao 31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?- no I don’t drink and I don’t like it :/32. Do you like watching scary movies?- no I’m the biggest scaredy cat like ever33. Do you want your tongue pierced?- I’d pass34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?- probably 2015. That was a really fucking awful year. 35. Did you have a dream last night?- yes and I don’t remember much but it was really weird 36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?- uhhh I probably told my mom I loved her yesterday bc she bought me sushi lol 37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?- I don’t think so bc I think getting married at 21 would be super early 38. Do you think someone has feelings for you?- no one in real life, maybe someone on here 39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?- probably not 40. Did you have a good day yesterday?- yea Christmas was okay until I started having cramps and bloating up and feeling like death 41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?- nope 42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl?- I mean I work and there will be girls there lol but I don’t have any social plans as of right now 43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?- I don’t think so44. What’s the best part about school?- probably seeing friends!45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?- barely. I never really use Facebook. 46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school?- I haven’t since the third grade 47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?- lmaooo yea all the time, welcome to anxiety my friend 48. Were you single over the last summer?- yep49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago?- no. Not at all. It’s changed really dramatically 50. What are you supposed to be doing right now?- nothing! (:51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?- I mean sometimes, but he’s my best friend and I lov him 52. Are you nice to everyone?- I try to be 53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?- yea54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?- yes of course! I would literally never cheat that’s just a super fucked up thing to do55. Are you good at hiding your feelings?- it depends 56. Do you think you like someone?- ehhhh, kind of have feelings but they’re fading and I’m ready to really like someone again 57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?- I don’t think so but it’s kind of hard to remember all the people I’ve kissed as bad as that sounds58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?- girls! They’re a lot sweeter and they’re very thoughtful59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?- one of my friends. That’s it. 60. Do you hate anyone?- ohhhh boy, some of my coworkers are grade a assholes61. How’s your heart?- she’s doing her best!62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?- many shitty and horrible things have happened to me that I don’t like to talk about because it’s important to move on and forgive because holding grudges and hurting about the things you can’t control will only make you hurt more ):63. Have you ever cried over a guy?- nope64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?- some of my coworkers lmaoo65. Are your toenails painted pink?- I haven’t painted my nails in forever 66. Will your next kiss be a mistake?- I don’t really regret people I kiss for the most part, hopefully I’ll be going to a New Year’s Eve party and I’ll kiss some cute girl just cause 67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?- girls love it when they don’t have boyfriends is the correct answer 68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public?- i don’t think so? Maybe as a little kid?? Idk 69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?- my mom?70. How do you look right now?- I look adorable, I’m serving up looks for real (;71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?- probably like one person, my best friend em 72. Can you commit to one person?- yea hopefully, although I don’t have much experience and I’m really bad at not being nervous about everything ever 73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?- yep. My best friend 74. Have you ever felt replaced?- haven’t we all?75. Did you wake up cranky?- ehhh that’s debatable 76. Are you a jealous person?- I really can be honestly77. Are relationships ever worth it?- if you don’t have love in your life, you truly have nothing.. and I don’t mean purely romantic, I mean platonic too 78. Anyone you’re giving up on?- yea :/ some people aren’t worth the fight 79. Currently wanting to see anyone?- not particularly 80. Name something you have to do tomorrow?- work ://////81. Last person you cried in front of?- my therapist probably 82. Is there someone you will never forget?- I’m not sure.83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?- I wouldn’t say I really have feelings for anyone right now 84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?- probably just talking and hanging out.. I just really lov being with my friends 85. Are you over your past?- for the most part, healing is a long process but I don’t let the past hold me back. 86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex?- nope 87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?- yes88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?- I don’t think I’ve romantically ever loved anyone 89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?- yea that’s gonna be a hard no... I kissed this 19 year old lesbian at pride fest and that was the last time I saw her, I still have her snap but that’s it 90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?- I don’t think so91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?- that’s gonna be a very likely no 92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael?- I used to go to school with some kids named Michael93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew?- hell no lmao 94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?- nope!95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March?- mmmm no not really :/96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?- my best friend is fucking attractive as hell and I hate him for it bc all the girls like him over me ://97. Who do you have texts from?- no one right now and I hate leaving notifications unattended to so I usually answer pretty quickly 98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?- go for it99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?- yes... by 4 years whoops 100. Who’s in your profile picture with you?- just me!101. Ever kissed under fireworks?- nah 102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies?- yes... tragically

[sharkinlovewithadolphin]

Update

Hey lovelies.  Okay so it’s been over a month since my surgery, and I’m finally here with an update. Hold on tight ‘cause it’s going to get long.    I actually wanted to do some regular updates, but I just really didn’t have the energy or mood to do it.  I’ve also left out a lot, mostly because due to me repressing this entire thing, I can’t really put things together very easily (time, dates, details, etc). And because I’ve spend the last month watching and rewatching one show and movie after the other, my mind has chosen to focus on television rather than what’s been going on. Basically this entire experience is almost forgotten, even as it’s still happening. I’ll be updating this post regularly as time passes, so new info and more details will come, along with possible pictures etc. However I probably won’t be reblogging it more than once or twice (for my timezone struggling mutuals), unless I’ll decide to make phone updates, then I’ll be reblogging this post with the update, but I probably won’t, so I won’t be annoying anyone, so if you want to stay tuned about this, this post will be stored in my #updates tag. I’ll be writing down here whenever I update, so it’ll be easier to check for those interested.  Posted: 26/10 Update: 27/10

Monday 25th september I was as most of you may know, going under the knife again, this time for a jaw surgery. The day of the surgery wasn’t fun to say the least, it was early in the morning so there wasn’t many people awake and aware of my situation to send me off, but I did get some messages, and that was really nice. As I think I’ve mentioned in a previous update post, I got sick literally the day before the surgery, and that I figured that that would make them post-pone the surgery, ‘cause that’s like basic medical knowledge? Doctors very rarely choose to operate on a patient However my mom didn’t care and the nurses didn’t seem to either. Turns out they should’ve, and that in fact, I was right; I shouldn’t have had the surgery when having a flu, ‘cause not only does it make things worse, it can fuck up a lot.  Anyway, I got in at around 9am, luckily earlier than expected. I was being put to sleep through needle instead of mask which I am very grateful for, much less triggering. I was allowed to bring my phone in, so I fell asleep to the sound of music (fun fact: the OR had surprisingly good connection? not that I used it). The surgery took an hour longer than expected (so instead of 3, it turned out to be 4), the reason for that I either don’t know or can’t remember. It should’ve gone okay as far as I was told. I slept five hours afterwards, unlike the other times were I was forced to stay awake due to the blood and open wounds.  My mom told me later on that she had wanted to take a photo of me after the surgery, since I looked “so nice” compared to the previous surgeries. I didn’t have all that blood everywhere as I’ve usually had, and despite the swelling it didn’t look bad according to her. The red/blue/green/yellow/purple colors in my face hadn’t come through much then either.  I was brought to my room again late evening.  The second day was hell. Just everything. But I was out and walking at night. And I ate a little. But everything was just bad. The third day was when the swelling was at it’s maximum. Things weren’t much different from the day before, except I got more used to being in a hospital.  Thursday, the forth day, I had to walk down to the clinic (clinic at the hospital), in hospital gown and those blood-cloth-socks, which was all just.. yeah I didn’t like that. I had to walk through the cafeteria area and the hall and I couldn’t walk more than one slow step after the other and even without anxiety it was just.. very uncomfortable in every way possible. At the clinic itself, it was awful. They had to sluice(?) my mouth, it was so aggressively done I literally felt like I was being drowned. And also, hardcore stream of water directly against your newly stitched-together wounds is not a pleasant feeling in case anyone should wonder. My mom, who’d been staying with me at the hospital, insisted on going home that day. I personally didn’t want to. And the doctors didn’t recommend it either, due to the state of swelling I was in; the ear-nose-and-neck doctor was especially against it, fearing the swelling would increase around my throat. But home we went. Regrets arriving pretty quickly after. Not only was the walk from my room, down the elevator and out to the car, very uncomfortable, the wind made me feel sick af.  Doing the night, I started throwing up. And keep in mind, doing those first days I ate what all together would’ve made less than one regular one-person diner meal. So I didn’t really have anything in my stomach that could come up you know? So my stomach started cramping, trying to find something to get out. Mouth water, mucous and blood came up with stomach acid, causing my throat to hurt for days after (and when I say  hurt, I don’t mean the flu-hurt kind, I mean it felt like my throat had been turned inside-out, then polished with sandpaper, then run over and then put back in). And it just wouldn’t stop. My mom called the emergency doctor who came and gave me a shot of antiemetic. I feel asleep shortly after, for 3 hours until it was time for pills.  As for medicine and pills, I was prescripted to take daily: 8 pinemol (500mg) and 6 ibumetin (400mg). Then one laxative and 4 antiemetic.   Later on (around 2 weeks ago) I got a nasty infection around one of the stiches under my upper gums-ish. So then I had to take even more pills. Pencilllin for a week (3 times daily, to a meal), along with a stronger dosis of antiemetic (Ondansetron Aurobindo, 4mg, 2-3 times daily) pills (originally they wanted to give me a type of pill used for cancer patients treated with radiation, but since I can’t stand bad tastes, they decided on those instead. They taste like pineapple lol) and some lactic acid pills (once a day).  With the infection came a massive step-back for me. I woke up daily with gross taste and this grumsy looking stuff in my mouth, for a long time, way before I found out why. Then one night, as I was cleaning my mouth, I must have poked an even bigger hole in it, ‘cause then it just started coming out faster and more of it. I woke up at 2am that night with a massive swelling in my left cheek, and when I was woken up at around 7:40, my cheek had grown so big I could barely see out of my eyes, again. The swelling from surgery had gone down a lot, however there had been a slight difference between each sides; my left cheek have been bigger and way more sore than my right, already early on, so the infection has been there for a long time. We got an appointment at the hospital clinic and he could quickly determent that it was indeed an infection. I took my first pencillin pill the same day.  However. That night I started throwing up again and my mom ended up calling the emergency doctor again (fun story; the doctor who picked up actually previously worked for the clinic I go to, he’s even assisted to the type of surgery I had). He told my mom I threw up due to the pencillin (and that it was perfectly normal), hence me being prescripted stronger antiemetics. The next day when my mom called my doctor to get the prescription, it turns out the dosis of pain meds I’ve been given is way too much. Damaging much in fact. So my three weeks use of that can possibly have effected my liver. So that’s nice. Maximum is 8 pinemol and 3 ibumetin a day. That’s 3 x 400mg ibumetin too much daily for three weeks. That is not good. Now I take them based on need, which turns out to not be much. I take 2 pinemol in the morning, 2 at night, and then throughout the day it kinda variates. I often take 2 in the afternoon/evening due to my teeth being too sore. And that’s it. So the massive amount of painkillers was probably never even necessary.  I got the shine off tuesday, making me now able to chew in soft-only things. My first meal was fries (I literally just got out of the clinic when I asked my mom if we could go get fries onn the way home lol). I got homemade pizza for dinner. And I finally ate ice cream without having to melt it into liquid and then drink it. It’s nice eating instead of drinking. it’s nice getting to eat instead of drink my food, really.   The infection is now gone, and I took my last pincillin pill this morning, so that’s nice. However, when I got the shine off, they changed my rubberbands and the position of them, to a place where the hooks are so small and almost invisible, so when I put them on I’m scratching hole into my gums. I’m going into the clinic again tomorrow to have it checked, and hopefully fixed.  Anyway it’s late and I should go to sleep, so I’ll post now even though I’m far from done. I might get around to edit it tomorrow though, then also write how things went at the clinic.  I’ll end this by giving a giant thanks to everyone who’s sent me messages, all the encouraging few but important people rooting for me. Especially @hamykia for regularly asking me for updates and how I’ve been doing. It meant so much to me, ‘cause there’s been so many people who seemed to not give a shit or even forget what type of situation I’ve been in and still am in. As I’ve told you before, feeling like you legitimately cared for me has been one of the better things to keep me going through this.  And ofc also Meg for being the only one around every single day. Even when it’s shortly, I can always count on you being around. And also some of my mutuals who’ve reached out to me and given me their wishes and kind words, also those before the surgery. Thank you guys. :) And as an end, I’d like to just thank the nurses at the teeth-mouth and jaw surgical ward. They treated me better than the nurses did at the childrens ward has ever done, which was shocking. They were extraordinarily patient and understanding, and knew exactly what they were dealing with. I was in good hands. Thank you.  Update:  - I got the hook changed and it’s a lot easier now. Left side is still a struggle though and in the right side I've accidentally cut into my gums like once or twice. But the new hooks are adjustable so I guess it’s just a matter of testing and getting used to. - I found out today that they’ve kept from me yet another surgery detail. I won’t get the feeling back in my palate for around a year. And the feeling in my chin and lower lip still isn’t there which they say “is normal”. So that’s really nice. Fuck you doctors. :) (note: because I from the very first mention of the surgery told them very clearly that I did not want to go through with it, they’ve done everything to make it seem like nothing, something simple and struggle-less, keeping details hidden from me, sugar coding things, and so on. I didn’t even know I had to get the shine on until a couple of days prior surgery. I didn’t even know where they would make the cuts. Back when I asked, all they said was it was going to be inside my mouth; as if that wasn’t obvious. And I didn’t know that an effect of the surgery has done so my chin is 1/3 size of what it was pre-surgery. I’m very angry because of this to say the least. I feel like l’ve been unwillingly lead to pure hell all because I a. trusted them and b. they already planned the whole thing and because of my anxiety and personality I can’t let people down when they’ve spend weeks planning something. I should’ve never had this surgery, and the regrets just keeps getting worse and worse with every passing day.) - One of the four screws (which I btw hadn’t been told about either, and found out about days after as I was cleaning my mouth), has grown into my gums. I have a screw under my skin now, a screw I wasn’t even told was going to be there, now has to be cut free if they have to use them. And as a side note, I don’t know how they’re going to get them out after this whole shit show is over with, and they avoided telling me so now I’m stuck with this entire thing without knowing the end of it.   

* PLEASE feel free to ask any questions. You can send me an ask or hit me up with a message. I’ll reply through both, to anything you may have any thoughts on. I might add your question to this post, though unmentioned unless requested. 

#updates #surgery #long post #saving for later #this is probably so filled with typos i'm going to cringing the entire time i'll be editting it tomorrow