#folks it is still sunny outside. you can’t even fucking see it Why are you doing this

[x-pair-o-dice-x]

god i hate this day

#girl help it’s not even six yet and the neighbors are setting off fireworks #folks it is still sunny outside. you can’t even fucking see it Why are you doing this #there’s so goddamn loud too. they literally set off like. three different ones that were just a loud boom and nothing else #not even a trail or any sort of warning. just a bang #hate fireworks. i also hate this country but also the fireworks are a big part of it #/not quite all that serious but also not really joking

[the-bau-quinjet]

Always

Summary: You overhear Steve talking to Bucky about going back to be with Peggy. Rather than confronting the situation, you write him a letter.

Warnings: I cried just thinking about writing this, so much angst, some swearing

Word Count: 3305

a/n: here it is folks: the sad fic I mentioned a few posts ago. Inspired by a multitude of songs from the album Ashlyn by Ashe. I high key recommend listening to that album while you read or just in general. I'm pretending like nobody died in Endgame because that shit is sad and I know this is sad aside from that, but I still have a heart ya know?

Per usual, any song lyrics (or song lyrics that I changed a bit) are in bold! I think used lyrics from Me Without You, Save Myself, I'm Fine, Love is Not Enough, and Always.

Masterlist

"You'd really want to go back?" You overheard Bucky right before you walked into Steve's room.

"I don't know." He let out a deep sigh. "I mean, I do know, but what do you think?" Steve's answer left you wondering what they were discussing.

"All for Peggy?" Your heart stopped waiting for Steve to reply.

Another sigh escaped his lips. You could easily picture him running his hands down his face, a signal he was deep in thought. "I mean, I never got a chance to see what would happen with her. Don't you think she deserves this much?"

You felt frozen. You couldn't hear the rest of Steve's answer or Bucky's reply over the sound of blood rushing through your ears.

It was all too much to handle. Rather than confront the grab bag of emotions swimming inside of you, you turned around and went back to your room in a zombie like haze.

"Friday, don't let anyone in my room."

You know the AI replied, but you were still too caught up in thought to understand it. Your mind was full of questions you knew you couldn't figure out the answers to alone.

Why would Steve want to go back for Peggy when he had you? Why would he even consider it if he loved you like he said he does? Is he still in love with Peggy? Has he been in love with her the whole time? Why would he choose her when he's spent so much more time with you?

"Y/N?" The sound of Steve's voice outside your door startled you. "Y/N, honey, are you in there?"

You could hear the doorknob rattling in his attempt to open it, but Friday was doing as you asked.

"I thought you were going to meet me downstairs?"

His words only broke your heart more, a small sniffle escaping despite your efforts to remain quiet.

"Are you not feeling well? What's wrong?"

His questions were left unanswered, much like the questions swimming around your head.

Steve kept talking to you through the door for a while, but you never replied. You weren't ready to face him, not until you knew you wouldn't say something you'd later regret.

-

The next few days carried on much the same. You refused to leave your room, relying on various snacks and protein bars you had for food. Every few hours, you would try to write down what you were feeling, but it didn't help calm you down the same way it typically did.

Everyone tried talking to you, but nothing worked. Steve spent hours outside your door every day in an effort to get you to talk to him, but you just couldn't figure out your emotions. It was all still too much to handle.

Late one night, Steve said something that forced you into action.

"Y/N, I don't know what happened, but if I did something I'm truly sorry. I'm returning the stones tomorrow. We've never not said goodbye before a mission... I just hope this one is the same."

You listened as he quietly walked back down the hallway, steps slowly receding until you were left in the same absolute silence you've spent the last few days.

You knew you had to talk to him, but hearing him say to your face that he's staying with Peggy would kill you.

You couldn't survive a permanent goodbye, not in your current state of mind.

After a few minutes of silent contemplation, you decided to write Steve a letter. Maybe you'd give it to him or maybe it would just help you organize your thoughts. Either way, it would be helpful to write to someone for a change.

Hi Steve,

I, well, I guess I'll start with this. You deserve an apology. I'm truly sorry for ignoring you for the past few days. I just... I heard what you said to Bucky and I didn't know how to deal with it.

You know I've never been the best at controlling my emotions, so I just holed myself up in here. I avoided you so I could figure out my own feelings first.

I know I should talk to you. You deserve that too, but I don't think I could survive the heartbreak. I guess I'll try to explain everything I've been thinking and feeling since that night.

Honestly, I'm not sure where to start. It feels kind of stupid to say, but I obviously experienced a range of emotions when I first heard you and Bucky talking about going back.

You know I've always found solace in writing, so that's what I'm doing. I needed a way to clear my thoughts, and it turned into this concoction of thoughts and some poems - you know how I feel about poems. (Look at that! A sarcastic comment! I didn't think I was capable of humor anymore.)

This might not surprise you, but the first emotion I clung to was anger. I'm not angry anymore, well at least not as angry. Anyway, I wrote this next part when I was absolutely pissed at you.

-

What the fuck?

You want to go back in time and stay there?

You want to leave me behind?

Steve, what the fuck is wrong with you?

I could keep you here. If I really wanted to, I could figure out a way to do it. I could cut the brakes just to keep you from leaving. I'll do it too. My hands on the wheel would drive us into a wall.

You must think I'm being petty. Hiding in my room like a child to avoid you. All the while, here I am writing all the things I could do to keep you. Well, news flash: I don't need you. You made me think the only world I could exist in, was one you lived in, almost had me fooled.

Here's something you probably never considered, because I sure as shit never thought I'd even need to. I can be me without you. I don't have to rely on you for my own happiness. I thought you loved me, but if you want to go back and be with Peggy, do it. Go find yourself, let me down.

It's easy to sit here now and look back on how everything we had would always be second string to your relationship with her. God damn hindsight's 2020.

I want you to know, you did this to me. You broke my heart. When I heard you say you wanted a chance to be with Peggy, it's like my whole world crumbled down around me.

Everything I thought I knew was ripped out from under me. You poured rain all over my sunny. Yeah, someday, this could all be funny, but right now it's absolute shit.

And maybe everything will work out the way it's meant to be, but honestly I couldn't give less of a shit about that right now.

If I had the chance, I would take it back. Everything. Meeting you. Becoming friends. Dating you. Falling in love. I'd be jumping off your sinking ship, instead of going down with it.

It'd be so much easier that way. If I never fucking knew you.

One day I'll be good. I'll be over all of this bullshit. Right now I'm just mad. And you know what, it's justifiable. I think I'm allowed to be mad at you.

I'm over being so mature. If only I was never yours. Maybe I'll go back in time and undo it all. Then at least I could save myself from you.

-

Like I said, I wrote that in the heat of the moment. Once my brain caught up to my ears, all I saw was red. Anger didn't last as long as you might think though.

All that was how I felt in the moment, but I want you to know it's not true. I don't really believe any of it. I was hurt and angry and avoiding the pain I knew was just around the corner.

I've always told you anger would be my downfall because I just can't control what I say.

Let me be completely clear, I would never want to undo meeting you. You've been the best part of my life for years. I need you to know that I don't regret any of it and I never will.

Anyway, the anger shifted to tears pretty quickly. It wasn't hard to feel the pain that comes with someone you love leaving you. I can't honestly picture a world where I don't love you.

This is the first poem I wrote. With tear blurring my vision, I put pen to paper and this is what came out.

Complicated. Understated. On the way to, Devastated. I'm just holding on for dear life.

Short and sweet, right? Well, not so much sweet, but you get the point. I feel broken. Here's another bit of poetry for ya.

Right now I'm sorry, Burns through me darling, But I can't help hope In thirty years it won't.

Maybe I just need time. That's what everyone always says. "Time can heal all wounds."

It's hard to even think about moving on though when everything reminds me of you. I've got emotional souvenirs from fleeting moments we spent together. If this is the end, I'll always know you were my golden years. I know in the future I could close my eyes and go back there.

Maybe that's the hardest part. Knowing I'll always have these memories.

All I've been thinking about for the past three days is if this will ever feel better. And maybe it will, when time has passed.

Maybe when I'm older, I'll run out of stories about you. Maybe when I'm older, I'll know what it's like not to love you, Anymore.

Despite my best efforts, it's still only a maybe. Maybe when I'm older I'll be able to stop thinking about you every second of the day. Maybe when I'm older I won't feel like crying everytime I see your face.

But maybe not. Maybe I'll always feel this way.

Maybe when I'm six feet, underneath the concrete, I'll know what it's like not to want you, anymore.

I'm not saying all this to make you feel guilty. You don't need to tell me you're sorry. I know you are. I know you would never hurt me like this without a reason.

I should just talk to you, but I don't think I can. Not yet. We don't need to talk til we're ready. Both of us.

I guess I do have one question. Do you really love me?

I don't think I want to know the answer right now. Because even if you do... it takes a lot more than a rose, more than a kiss, more than a heart to truly love someone and spend forever with them.

It takes a lot more than a ring, more than a vow, more than a promise to build and maintain a relationship.

Love is not enough. I know that now. Even if you love me to the best of your abilities, you could still love Peggy more. Love may not be enough for us, but at least we got that much.

If you leave, I'll live the rest of my life grateful that at least I got your touch for as long as I did.

I used to think we could take our sweet time, that everything would be just fine. But now I know maybe not.

I cried for days. Like I said, I'm not writing this to make you feel guilty though. I just want to be completely honest. I cried a lot, probably more than I ever have before.

I kept replaying memories of time I spent with you. Not even dates, just the small moments that made me know I love you.

Like that day I woke up too early, almost put salt in my coffee. Oh I thank God that you stopped me before that.

I've never been a morning person, but ever since I met you you've always been there to keep my head on straight.

I think the thing I love most about you is how you can read me better than anyone I've ever known. I can hide from everyone else and they won't bat an eye. They never can tell when I'm falling apart on the inside.

No matter how hard I try to hide it though, you don't believe me when I say I'm alright. You can always, always tell.

It's like you've got a sixth sense that tells you I need you when I try to say I'm fine.

Before I met you, I would get so lonely everyday. Now I'm only lonely until you ask if I'm okay and then I remember that I have people who are there for me. I have you.

All this to say, I love you, Steve. I love you more than I've ever loved another human being.

Forever yours,

Y/N

-

It took you nearly all night to write a coherent letter and come up with a plan to talk to Steve. A quick glance at the clock let you know Steve would be up any minute, so you had to act fast.

You opened your door for the first time in days, running in a full sprint to the stairs and down the hall to Steve's door.

With one final burst of courage, you shoved the letter under the door and ran away before anyone could find you out of your room.

-

"Y/N?" A familiar knock on your door woke you from a restless sleep. "I read your letter, Y/N please let me explain."

It felt like time slowed down as you stared at the door.

"Y/N, I have to bring the stones back, but I really want to talk to you first."

"Come in." You steadied yourself with a deep breath, but one look at Steve ruined your flimsy resolve.

"Y/N... I tried to wait for you to come to me, but..."

He stopped talking when you shook your head, a painful sob forming in your chest.

"I've been thinking a lot." You started slowly, voice scratchy from days of not being used except to cry. "What if staying with me isn't the best thing to keep you happy?"

"Y/N, I-"

"Please let me finish." You waited for him to acknowledge your words before you spoke again.

"If letting you go is the best way to show that I love you, I will." Tears poured down your cheeks, breaths coming to you shakily.

"Captain Rogers, your presence is requested in the backyard." Friday's voice echoed through the room.

Steve looked more torn than you've ever seen him.

"Let's go." You nodded toward the door. "I've got more to say, but you've got somewhere to be."

Slowly, the two of you walked down the hall and entered the elevator.

"I don't know if you'll ever come back-"

"Y/N, really just let me-"

"Steve, please." You begged him to let you get it all out. "I won't ask 'cause that's selfish."

"It's not." He cut in again.

"It is. You deserve to be as happy as possible." With a slow, shaky breath you continued your speech. "I've come to terms I might never feel whole again."

The elevator doors slid open. You followed Steve to the yard where they set up the time machine.

"I'll be broken when you're gone, but I won't hold you back if it's wrong."

"Steve, there you are! Let's go-"

"In a minute, Sam." Steve's eyes never left you, remaining soft and caring. "We can go back inside if you want." He ran his thumbs over your cheeks, ridding them of tears only to be instantly replaced. You've always hated crying in front of people.

"I don't care what people say." You shook your head, ignoring the potential pitying looks you could receive for crying in front of others. Another deep breath, and you continued. "You know I won't force you to stay."

It was your turn to wipe tears from Steve's face.

"If you leave, I'll be okay. Just promise that you won't forget me babe."

"I could never-" He cut in again only to stop when you gave him a pleading look.

"I understand if leaving is what you have to do. I don't want you to go, but I'll be okay, eventually." You let out a watery chuckle, wiping your eyes again.

"Y/N, I never meant for-"

"Steve, you ready?" Sam interrupted again.

"It's fine. You can go." You did your best to hold back any lingering tears. You had to physically turn Steve around yourself and push him towards the machine.

"Y/N, please, I can't-"

"Steve, they're waiting for you. It's okay, I promise." He finally started to walk away only to pause when you called out one more thing. "Oh, Steve?"

"Yeah?" He wore a solemn smile.

"I'll love you always."

You watched as he listened to Banner's instructions and bid farewell to Sam and Bucky. The bitter part of you wondered if Sam knew.

A strangled sob left your mouth as soon as Steve disappeared. All three men standing around the machine looked your way, Sam and Bucky running toward you to help.

"He should be back any second. It's fine!" Sam desperately tried to console you, but you knew it wouldn't work.

"Y/N. Y/N! Listen to me. Did Steve talk to you?" Bucky asked, ignoring Sam's bewildered expression.

You nodded pitifully.

"Did he explain-" You cut him off.

"He- he didn't ha-have time.: You stuttered as you tried desperately to gulp in air through the tears. "I did most of the talking. I needed him to know it was okay."

"To know what was okay?" Sam asked, still clearly confused.

The thought of explaining it only broke you down more. You would have fallen to the ground if not for Bucky catching you. Your body leaned into his.

"Doll..." Bucky shook his head. "You should have let him explain."

You choked on another sob just thinking about it.

"Shh, it's okay. You'll be okay." Bucky whispered in your ear, ignoring Sam's confused glares.

"Y/N..." The sound of Steve's voice echoed in your ears causing another painful sob to jolt through your body.

"Baby, please look at me."

You genuinely thought you were hallucinating when you opened your eyes to see Steve towering over you.

"Steve?" Your voice was barely a whisper.

"It's me, I'm here." He gently took you from Bucky's arms, cradling you close to him but leaning his head far enough away for you to look into your eyes.

"You came back..." Your tears slowed, gently falling down your cheeks as you stared at him wide-eyed.

"I was never planning to leave." He spoke while gently stroking your hair.

"B-but, you were talking to Bucky about going back?" Your tears gave way to confusion as you glanced between him and Bucky.

"Just to say goodbye." He pressed a soft kiss to your forehead, breathing in your scent. "I just thought she deserved a real goodbye."

New tears pooled in your eyes as you took in his words. "So, you never wanted to leave me?"

"I could never, and would never, leave you. I love you so much. I just wish I knew why you were holed up in your room sooner." He smiled at you, the same adoring smile he gave you the first time you met.

"I love you too. Always." You leaned into his embrace, relishing in the touch you thought you'd lost forever. He whispered his reply, clinging to you just as much as you were to him.

"Always."

a/n: today I discovered I am truly incapable of writing a sad ending. I just like the idea of escaping to a reality where Steve would never abandon me.

Permanent taglist:

@averyhotchner

@jesuswasnotawhiteman

@strawberryspence

@sebastnstn

#steve rogers x reader #steve rogers x you #steve rogers x y/n #steve rogers angst #steve rogers one shot #steve rogers fic #steve rogers fluff

[sirsapling]

MORE TAGGED POSTS

I got tagged in a bunch more things I didn't respond to fast enough, so UNDER THE CUT THEY GO. 

I have too many things to respond to, so I won't be tagging, but consider yourself tagged if you want to do any.

IT’S THE LITTLE THINGS

Tagged by the wonderful @bardingbeedle​

Pass the happy!🌻🌿 When you receive this, list 5 things that make you happy and send this to 10 of the last people in your notifications!

Lying in warm blankets in an cold room. Bonus points for snow outside.

A fresh Buzz cut

Talking to @bardingbeedle​

Having long, passionate rambles about the Marvel Ultimates

Hashbrowns, bacon, maple syrup, maybe a pancake, and a sausage too.

Tagged by the chaotic @s-hylor​

top 3 cities you want to visit: Toronto, again. Colorado (I know its a state not a city I just want to visit ashes AND GET SNOW). And I would like to go back to Italy again. (I also want to visit, just, all of my fandom friends but I don't want to drop all their locations lol)

favorite marvel character: Ults!Steve Rogers and then Ults!Tony Stark. Not counting stony, Anthony the brain tumor, and not counting clones, Gregory Stark.

white chocolate - yay or nay?: Love it, love it, love it.

favourite board game: God Save The Queens- A board game about Bees I invented with 3 other people at University last year for a project.

how many countries have you been to: 10, I have been very luckily graced with the ability to travel to Europe with school a lot.

(Wales, France, Belgium, Germany, Switzerland, America [Florida, Boston, New York], Spain, Portugal, Italy, and finally Canada.)

favorite thing to do on a rainy day: Anything indoors I might usually feel guilty about doing when its sunny. Tv or games particularly

favorite holiday: Christmas. I am a Christmas slut, call me festive sapling I LOVE Christmas.

pen or pencil: Pen. I once bought 7 in lisbon at the same time bc they were perfect and I didn't want to run out.

favourite kind of soup: Cupasoup Chicken noodle, I don't really like soups tbh, I like broths, and gravy type things I make too much of and eat like a soup (like golden Currys or korma sauces)

your typical order at a cafe or coffee shop: Caramel Frappucino or an iced Mocha. If I'm gonna pay a fuck tonne for coffee I'm gonna get a drinkable dessert.

favorite ride at an amusement park: Any slow rides that show you shit, like spaceship earth at EPCOT. I’m not really a speed dude.

the color of your sneakers: RED, red shoes are the shit folks, a good pair of red converse goes with everything.

favorite pbs show (or little kids show if you didn’t have pbs):  Uh I used to watch pokemon then winnie the pooh every single night. But little little kids show I used to watch a show called 64 zoo lane with my grandma so I have fond memories

Rules: name your favorite female characters from 10 different fandoms, then tag 10 people.

Tagged by the wonderful @ashes0909​

Natasha Romanov - Marvel Cinematic Universe

Carol Danvers - Marvel 616

Janet Van Dyne - Marvel Ultimates

Izumi Curtis - Full Metal Alchemist

Martha Jones - Doctor Who

Garnet - Steven Universe (if she doesn't count bc, space rock, Connie)

Rosa Diaz - Brooklyn 99

Ann Perkins  - Parks and Rec

Princess Caroline - Bojack Horseman

Pam Poovey - Archer

LOOK I know there was a lot of cheating here, but I don't have non marvel fandoms really, and I have a hard time remembering a lot of the TV I enjoyed.

Rules: Share your top 10 AO3 additional tags. Tagged by the mysterious @nigmuff​

look I don't know if I have enough tags to make this a justified representation, but the ones shown are v much on brand.

Fanfic trope meme

I was tagged by the delightful @capnstars​ and @crownofstardustandbone​

slowburn or love at first sight // fake dating or !!!secret dating!!! // enemies to lovers or best friends to lovers // oh no there’s only one bed or long-distance correspondence // hurt/comfort or amnesia // fantasy au or modern au // mutual pining or domestic bliss // smut AND fluff // canon-compliant or fix-it  // reincarnation or character death // one-shot or multi-chapter // kid fic or road trip fic // arranged marriage or accidental marriage // high school romance or !!!!middle-aged romance!!! // time travel or isolated together // neighbours or roommates  // sci-fi or magic au // body swap or genderbend  // angst or crack // apocalyptic or mundane

Look guys, I’m boring. I like domestic 30-40 year olds in secret relationships. We knew this.

And now buckle the fuck down folks because I'm about to answer 50 questions about me no one is gonna stick around and read.

tagged by @bardingbeedle​ the only person who would put up with reading this much about me.

What is the colour of your hairbrush?

I have a buzz cut, I don't have a hair brush anymore.

Are you typically too warm or too cold?

Too warm. I have been warmer than most people my whole life, and I often need to sleep with a fan on.

What were you doing 45 minutes ago?

Working on a sketch for an MTH fill (update from the end of this: I have spent an hour doing this fuckin thing)

What is your favourite candy bar?

Bounty. My favourite candy is Reese’s Pieces but I like a bounty. Or like, and chocolate without fruit in it tbh.

Have you ever been to a professional sports event?

Yes, one of my parents referees Championship Football here in the UK. I have been to a few of his games. I also went to the London 2012 Paralympic closing ceremony, if that counts.

What is the last thing you said out loud?

‘Oh, this will last me a few days’ I was talking to my mother about 1/2 a can of pringles, I was lying.

What is your favourite ice cream?

Vanilla. I am boring. But the best ice cream i’ve had was a cream/milk flavoured gelato in Florence, that shit slapped. I also like cheap strawberry ice cream when no one is trying to put strawberry bits in it.

What was the last thing you had to drink?

Dinner. A spinach, banana, summer fruits and coconut yoghurt smoothie (with extra raspberries). Its my nightly dinner to cheat more veg into my body.

Do you like your wallet?

Very much. It’s about 7-8 years old, it is faded to hell but it has spiderman and a pony ride stony pin

What was the last thing you ate?

See above smoothie comment, but if that doesn't count, a sugar free mint polo.

Did you buy any new clothes last weekend?

Nope. I don't buy as many clothes as I want to, bc mens clothes in larger sizes are hard to find or expensive here.

The last sporting event you watched?

F1, I don't keep up but I watch a little with my dad every now and then.

What is your favourite flavour of popcorn?

BUTTER. They don't really have it here, and I don't go to movies much when in the states. But @festiveferret​ introduced me to it when we saw Ant-man and the Wasp, and much like poutine and Tim Hortons, I still crave it.

Who is the last person you sent a text message to?

My dad. 

Ever go camping?

Yes, I was a Scout. I have done enough camping to not want to do more, it was fun when I wasn't organising it.

Do you take vitamins?

Yes, but not as often as I should, and as much as my mother bothers me too.

Do you go to church every Sunday?

Nope, not even when I considered myself christian. I go only go to church for other peoples events, and I’m an agnostic now.

Do you have a tan?

I cannot tan. I just can't, I burn lobster red in 5 minutes outside without literal sun cream for BABIES

Do you prefer Chinese food or pizza?

Chinese food, It was easily what taught me to like more foods also, I don't eat tomato so I can't have most pizza. I love a good garlic base/bechamel, but you can't really get that here easily (yes yes I could make my own but that ruins half the point of pizza)

Do you drink your soda with a straw?

I don't drink carbonated drinks, because its like drinking pain. The fuck is wrong with all of you.

What colour socks do you usually wear?

Various colours, but I consider red on the left, blue on the right, my lucky socks. No I don't know why, but I take all exams and interviews wearing them. It’s just a thing.

Do you ever drive above the speed limit?

I don't drive, but if I did, No. Theres a lot of questionable laws out there but Traffic laws aren't one of them.

What terrifies you?

Pfft, most things from spiders to rollercoasters. But more seriously, Being shouted at. Shout at me and I start hyperventilating, its a thing. Also not knowing if someone is mad at me. I’m not good at reading people,

Look to your left, what do you see?

The wallet shown earlier, and the sugar free polos mentioned after that.

What chore do you hate?

Vacuuming. It makes everything in my body hurt. I would rather clean toilets.

What do you think of when you hear an Australian accent?

@s-hylor​

What’s your favourite soda?

See above. I do not like your pain liquid. Apple juice for life.

Do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive-thrus?

Either delivery or kiosk, I don't like talking to people where possible, I often need tweaks I don't want to have to remember to repeat.

Who’s the last person you talked to?

@downeyhills​

Favourite cut of beef?

I don't generally eat beef, lamb, or most red meats. I love crispy chilly beef, but as anyone can point out its bc your generally don't feel the texture of the beef.

Last song you listened to?

Everybody Wants to Rule the World | Tears for Fears | Pomplamoose

I’m on a Pomplamoose kick, and I also just love this song anyway.

Last book you read?

Understanding Comics (The invisible Art) - Scott McCloud

Favourite day of the week?

Friday nights. The weekend is ahead and @loraneldin​ and I take to wrangling our beloved usual suspects through another week of Ults Book Club.

Can you say the alphabet backwards?

I can barely say it forwards.

How do you like your coffee?

With milk and sugar, or ultimately, in a Caramel Frappuccino bc I'm a bitch like that.

Favourite pair of shoes?

I have walking boots that don't make my flat ass feet feel like they’re dying. OR my black and green crocs (Fight me, they’re useful).

The time you normally go to sleep?

9-10 is what I'm working on, but I fluctuate depending on if I'm working on something or not.

The time you normally get up?

5-6 If I have a choice in the matter, but often 7-8 if I didn't get to bed at the right time. I’m more about getting the right hours in for my diet than time specifically.

What do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets?

Sunset is the prettiest, but I like to be awake to see the sun rise.

How many blankets on your bed?

One big thick comforter, because that's the uk standard, and I get too hot otherwise.

Describe your kitchen plates

Two types, big wide white ones with a navy blue rim. They are so large I never use them, and little Navy saucer plates I use a lot.

Do you have a favourite alcoholic beverage?

I don't drink, so no. I drink apple juice or Shirley temples when I'm in pubs/bars

Do you play cards?

Sometimes, I like to teach people to play Old Maid. It’s the monopoly of card games.

What colour is your car?

Again, I do not drive. 

Can you change a tire?

I am aware I just said I don't have a car, but I do know how to change a tire. Everyone should go learn its pretty simple.

Favourite job you’ve ever had?

I have only had one job really and two job experience jobs. I did experience in a school library for a week and that was v fun and chill. I did all the jobs they had prepared for me in 2 days so I alphabetically reorganised their fiction section for the rest of the week. I LIKE ORDERING.

How did you get your biggest scar?

I no longer have a gallbladder, so I have 3 scars across my torso from that, the biggest right in the middle of my ribs. Non surgical wise I have matching scars on my knees from ripping holes in them when tripping. I have weak ankles and also I got both of those at different times.

What did you do today that made someone else happy?

I gave my spare animal crossing Iguanodon skull to a wicked artist I follow on twitter so he could complete his dino park. 

#text post #tagged in #wow long post #wow x2 #tag memes

[diredigression]

Introducing:  Courier Carrot

Consciousness. Rough fabric against her hand. Throbbing headache. Bright light pressing her eyes open.

“You’re awake. Huh. Look at that.”

Grimacing in the light, she turned her head to see the man sitting in front of her. Struggling against her stiff, sore neck took almost all of her energy. The man kept talking, but she was distracted by a voice in her head, a phrase looping like a stuck song.

“Must seem like an 18-karat run of bad luck.”

Eighteen carrots. What a weird phrase. Something to describe jewelry, she recalled. Or some sort of shiny thing, anyway. Was eighteen good or bad? Eighteen out of how many? What did that have to do with luck? And why did they judge jewelry in terms of carrots? She’d only seen carrots a couple times in her life, rare merchandise from a couple of the more brave or more stupid Commonwealth traders. Could be carrots were as valuable as jewelry. Maybe–fuck, her head…

“…Carrot?… Can’t say it’s what I’d have picked for you, but if that’s your name, that’s your name.”

She’d forgotten the man across from her. She must have been muttering out loud. She began to correct him, but stopped when she realized she didn’t actually remember her name. Huh. Well, she’d never been too attached to it anyway. Carrot. Being named after jewelry was pretty fancy.  Like some pre-war heiress.  Imagine that, some pre-war heiress tramping around the Mojave in her tattered wanderer outfit and hurling dynamite at geckos.

Carrot giggled, a sound that came out slightly manic and turned to a whimper as her head throbbed.  The sensation was dampened and fuzzy–a heavy dose of med-x was definitely at work–but still formidable.  Musta been a hell of a night.

A small cough brought her back to the room.  The man in front of her.  Right.  He was older, balding, dressed comfortably instead of for survival.  He quickly wiped a wary look from his face as she met his eyes.

“I’m Doc Mitchell.  Welcome to Goodsprings.  Now, I hope you don’t mind, but I had to go rooting around there in your noggin to pull all the bits of lead out.”

“Wh–what?”  Her dry mouth tasted like dirt and clung to her words as she tried to speak.  She struggled upright on the couch, accepting Doc Mitchell’s offered help.

“Whoa, easy there. Easy.  You been out cold a couple days.”  He frowned at the confusion on her face.  "Do you remember what happened to you?“

Carrot carefully shook her head.  "No…I don’t remember much of anything.  How’d I get here?”

“That’d be Victor.  Curious fella.  Sort of odd.  And I don’t just mean ‘cause he’s a robot.  I couldn’t tell you much about him.  He’s real friendly, don’t get me wrong.  You just get the sense that ain’t the whole picture.  Just a feeling.  Keeps to himself, mostly.  You want to know more about him, you’ll have to ask him yourself.  He has a shack on the southern edge of town.”

The robot had his own shack?  She was familiar with robots–eyebots, securitrons, that sort of thing.  But she didn’t know many with the ability to “keep to themselves” in their own shack, human-like.

Headache.  Right.  Noggin.  Lead.  "…Did I get shot?“

"Yep. Handgun, close range, execution style.  Someone musta had a helluva bone to pick with you.  You’re lucky the bullet hit low, else it woulda taken out more than just a chunk of frontal lobe. Hell, with luck like yours I’m surprised them bullets didn’t just turn right around and climb back into the gun.”

She reached up to her forehead.  The throbbing pain became more of a burn as she prodded the gauze taped there, low on her forehead between her eyes.  A similar patch marked the exit wound at the nape of her neck, just to the side of her spine.

“Careful now, even a super stim’s gonna take some time to knit your skull back together.  Don’t go ruining all that hard work I did.”

She continued fidgeting with the patch on her forehead.  Doc Mitchell glared at her, steelier than she thought possible, until she ruefully dropped her hand.  "Do you know anything about whoever shot me?“

"I didn’t see him or the men with him. You might ask around town, though. Could be someone saw which way they was headed.  Your best bet would probably be Trudy, the bartender at the saloon up the road. If anyone saw anything, she’d know about it.”

Carrot began to speak more, but Doc Mitchell waved her quiet.  "We can chat later.  No sense keeping you in bed anymore. Let’s see if we can get you on your feet.  The sooner you finish these tests the sooner you can get out of here.“

He led her through a variety of odd physical and mental tasks that made no sense to her, but the slight variations in his face when she answered told her that the doc was reading plenty into them.  Almost too much.  Carrot preferred to be on the questioning end.

Finally they finished. “Very interesting,” said the doc. “Maybe a little disturbing…but interesting. Seems like you’re fit to hit the road, at least.”

Carrot gave him a lopsided grin. “Thanks for patching me up, Doc.”

“Don’t mention it. It’s what I’m here for.” He pulled a brahminhide pack that she recognized as her own from a nearby shelf and handed it to her. “Here. Was all you had on you when you was brought in…I hope you don’t mind, but I gave the note a look.  I thought it might help me find a next of kin. But it was just something about a platinum chip.”

He went silent as she dug through the pack. A few stims, a few sticks of dynamite, a too-small fistful of caps. The note he’d mentioned. Not even a can of water. 

“I expect you’ll be wanting to go outside after being cooped up for so long, but if you have any questions—oh, wait here just a mo—” He bustled from the room, and Carrot heard sounds of heavy objects dragging and slamming.

After a few minutes, he returned with a bundle in his arms. “You ought to have this. They call it a Pip-Boy. I grew up in one of them vaults they made before the war. We all got one. And put this on, too, so the locals don’t pick on you for lacking modesty. Was my wife’s. I think she was about your size, and she hardly wore it after we left the vault. Felt it was too brazen.”

Carrot’s eyes went wide. “Actual vault gear? I didn’t think any of this existed anymore. You could sell it for a pretty penny, ya know.”

Doc Mitchell chuckled. “Ain’t got the heart or need for that, but you feel free if’n ya want. As long as it helps you out, my wife’d be glad it went to a good cause. Ain’t much use to me now. But you might want it, after what you been through. I know what it’s like, having something taken from you.”

“Well then, thank you to your wife.” Carrot dragged on the slightly elastic jumpsuit, grimacing slightly at the brilliant, unfaded blue and yellow. It clearly hadn’t seen the sun in years. Cazadors’d be all over her thinking she was some big mutant flower. The pip-boy, though. Now that was some proper pre-war techy magic. She strapped it onto her forearm, adjusting to the unfamiliar weight as it updated with her information. The home screen showed the fabled vault-boy, his head currently wrapped in a comically large bandage.  Flipping the knobs, she found that it somehow already knew the contents of her pack and even the suit she was wearing. Creepy.

Carrot followed Doc Mitchell to the front door. A few stimpaks and med-x syringes vanished from the shelves as they passed. It wasn’t like she was intending to steal from him. Doc just wouldn’t want her out there all hurt and helpless again, right? He’d said himself that he didn’t want his hard work ruined. She was doing him a favor, really, so he wouldn’t have to stitch her up next time a shooty bastard picked a fight.

“You should talk to Sunny Smiles before you leave town. She can help you learn to fend for yourself in the desert. She’ll likely be at the saloon. I reckon some of the other folks at the saloon might be able to help you out, too. And the metal fella, Victor, who pulled you outta your grave. Anyway, you ever get hurt out there, you come right back. I’ll fix you up. But try not to get killed anymore.”

Carrot grinned at him. “Fingers crossed.”

He smiled back. “Git goin’, kid.”

#Courier Carrot #courier #Fallout #Fallout New Vegas #fnv #she's dumb as a gecko #catch that luck and perception tho #fallout oc

[weapon13whitefang]

TWD 9X5 [What Comes After] Thoughts and Feelings - Late Response.

With things at work being completely crazy, I haven’t had the energy when I get home to work on my breakdown of the show, so this is a little later than I meant to post it (like cutting it close later!). But it’s here and I just have a lot to say about this.

So on my way to work / during work, I was listening to @dynamicsymmetry AKA Sunny and their thoughts on the show. They give a very honest opinion on the show and while I do not always agree with them, they are good to listen to when it comes to me trying to outline what I want to talk about / what I need to think about with this show. So give them a listen! I enjoy their podcast immensely no matter how I agree or disagree with something and to me that’s a good podcast.

So, onto the show.

I’m going to flat out be honest; I did cry. Not like burst into tears crying. But more like I just got emotional. It hit me that even though I knew Rick would be okay (I just knew this wasn’t the end of Rick Grimes because of the way the damn show was advertising it, the constant talk of the bridge, and the whole emotional investigation Rick had to this whole Savior idea AKA we all know that shit needed to be aired out before anything could be done), I wasn’t ready to see his friends and family suffer.

Seeing Michonne have to be restrained – just like she had to do Maggie back at the end of AoW was heartbreaking and it just hit me that the women on this show do not have good luck with loved ones (Or the Gay folks either). Michonne – like a lot of fucking people on this show – has lost a lot. She’s lost two sons – her biological and the son that was also a true friend who helped bring her out of a dark place – and she lost a very close friend – Andrea – and has now lost the man she loves and has only Judith left of anything that brings her close to Carl (since technically Judith is Shane’s… Or maybe not, but that’s what Michonne and Rick believed) and Rick (in spirit!) and it’s just… Maggie’s line about raising a child on your own… Ouch.

Daryl’s reaction killed me more than I thought it would, actually. I was ready to be hurt by Daryl loosing Rick but I wasn’t ready for the pain that gave me that, for a good reason, Daryl is going to never return from this and he is never going to let himself forgive his actions – how he lead Rick so far out even if he didn’t want to hurt Rick it still got him hurt, how he didn’t make Rick get on the fucking bike with him, how the last thing Rick said to him was “You, too” as in you be safe as well…  There’s just so much there and the way Norman played that scene – the lip wobble, the complete pain and disbelief, the utter horror – was amazing and beautiful… It was just as heart wrenching as watching him loose it after Merle was found and he had to put him down because that was another brother lost…. Also the look they shared before Rick blew up the bridge like yeah thanks, Rick, Daryl needed that memory too!

Okay! Had to get that out of the way and just say, yes, I had an emotional reaction to the damn “death” even though I smelled and saw that shit coming two thousand million miles away… Sometimes being a theatre and cinema major can just make TV shows not as surprising to watch, ya know?

Now let’s talk about – first – the side story that happened with Maggie and Michonne and Maggie and Negan.

I’ll start with Maggie and Michonne because I loved that scene but there was a part that did actually kind of piss me the fuck off and I’ll explain. First off, you have two very strong characters – two strong women – facing once another with two different choices… But also similar views. We all probably agree that a part of Michonne did believe that, yes, Rick did not have the right to make the final call on Negan. There’s a lot of calls Rick did not have the right to make without coming to an understanding with the others. But I’ll talk about how I’m glad he tried what he did.

So Maggie wants Negan dead because of Glenn. Michonne wanted Negan alive to help Rick honor what Carl wanted. Like Rick, she also couldn’t let go of Carl… But Michonne understood things better and was seeing things better. I really wasn’t surprised when she consented to giving Maggie the key to Negan’s cell. Because as I said, of course she knows what Maggie feels. Because she understands. But she wanted to give this to Rick and to what Carl wanted… But it isn’t up to her or Rick. None of the big choices with the Saviors and Negan should’ve been completely left to Rick.

Michonne steps aside and lets Maggie go… Now I’m okay with that. What I am NOT okay with is the line Maggie has about how she doesn’t know what Glenn would have wanted… That is complete and utter cockadoodle bullshit. Maggie… You are telling me that after all this time, all the private moments, all your memories with Glenn… That you don’t know what kind of person, what kind of choices, Glenn would make? Because I fucking know. I believe Glenn would not want you to kill someone in cold revenge and blood. And fuck off everyone who says “Well Glenn was gonna try to kill the Governor to get revenge for what he did to him and Maggie-“ NO. Shush. Yes, Glenn was in a dark place at that point… But Glenn DID NOT do it. Why? Because Hershel snapped him the fuck out of it and Glenn pulled himself out of that dark hole the rest of the way to be there for Maggie. He thought of her and his family before making a choice to back off. So yes, Glenn had his rage out moment. But he still chose to be bigger than his revenge and anger. Which is what I believe Glenn would’ve wanted for Maggie. “Maggie, I’ll find you” wasn’t just Glenn’s last words of “I’ll see you in the afterlife”. It was “I’ll find you in spirit and be with you and help you in your dark times”. That’s what that line spoke to me as Glenn was dying. That’s his final words to Maggie and I think, while tragic, it’s beautiful… So Maggie, dude, you KNOW what Glenn would’ve wanted and it’s bullshit for you to say otherwise.

I’m not gonna talk too much about the Negan VS Maggie shit, but I have seen people saying “he only said that because it’s what Maggie wants and he’s manipulating her” and… Yeah. A part of me agrees with it… But I also think not. Negan at that moment was still not completely in his head because of Michonne revealing what happened to “Lucille” AKA the bat. I believe that a part of Negan is a little unbalanced right now. But I believe he’s not so totally out of it that he can’t try to manipulate a situation. That’s something they told us. Negan is a manipulative person. That’s how he was in the comics and that’s how he is in the show. He manipulated the others to follow his way. He manipulated Rick. He tried to manipulate Daryl with psychological torture with Dwight. That’s what Negan does… So while I believe he was genuine in his “kill me”, I also believe a part of it was a manipulation to Maggie. I wouldn’t put it past his character.

I know a lot of people wanted Maggie to kill Negan but I’m glad she didn’t for her human side. I don’t really mind Negan. He’s just kind of a villain that is there for me… But I’m also glad because it gives us a chance to have this interesting choice of Judith being the one to become his new youthful communication with the outside world instead of Carl as it was in the comics… I’ll get more into that in a bit.

Now for Rick’s scenes. First off, I didn’t watch any spoilers for this episode because I wanted to be spoil free for Andy’s big moment here… And when Rick pulls his body off that slab, I about gagged. Not because it was gross, because God knows we’ve seen nastier shit on this show… But because I have never heard Rick in that much pain on the show. The pure scream of grief and agony and pain choked at me because goddamn you could FEEL that rod in his side as he pulled himself off it. That was amazing and I was there in pain with Rick. Plus getting to see him struggle to climb that horse (Rick, stay the fuck away from horse’s dude) and leave that blood on it’s pure white coloring was so… Beautiful and tragic looking.

Let’s start with the first visit. His iconic image of riding into Atlanta on his horse, an image so popular they used it to promote the show in season one and played it heavily in the trailers because of how surreal it was to the audience back then. It’s still one of my favorite TWD images honestly. And having Rick once again trotting down the road into the city was a nice little nudge… But also an interesting start for him to meet up with Shane again.

So before I get into Shane, we have three big scenes with Rick. His ride into Atalanta and running into Shane and the flipped over car. Ending up back on the farm, in the walker barn, with Hershel. Exiting the hospital hallway and stepping out into a sea of dead bodies and running into Sasha… The transition of these scene and the set up of them interests me because… They’re kind of out of order. Now of course we had the scene of Rick looking at his younger self in the hospital and looking outside and seeing birds turn into helicopters, so technically we have four big scenes with run ins with different characters. Because, yes, Season 1 Rick is not Season 9 Rick… But it’s the order that surprises me.

Twice Rick is back in Atlanta. Twice he in the hospital area. If you go in order, it should be Rick with Shane in the patrol car, Rick in the hospital, Rick going to Atlanta, and then making it to the farm. Now of course this is a fever dream so suspense of reality but I’m just fascinated that they even had Rick going to Atlanta… Because it really served no purpose. Twice.

We see Atlanta outside the window of the hospital room and then Rick is walking to Atlanta but he had no reason to be in Atlanta… Maybe if he had imagined Merle (Don’t see why the fuck he would since him and Merle were far from close) or maybe the time he met Glenn, then yeah I could understand the walk to Atlanta… But literally he’s in Atlanta and then he’s in the car with Shane in the field where he got shot… So I don’t fully understand why his brain kept taking him to Atlanta. Yes it’s where it started… But it didn’t serve anything in the fever dream… Again it’s a fever dream so it doesn’t necessarily need to mean anything but from a psychological stand point and from a viewers eyes and someone who studies film and scripts, I have to wonder why they wanted to showcase Atlanta so much… It just seems… Random. It’s really not but in some ways it is. Hmm…

But back to Shane. First off, I love Shane. He’s a complete asshole scumbag and he’s a nasty dude, but I really just was so happy when I heard we were gonna see Shane. I missed seeing Jon Bernthal outside of The Punisher and Daredevil honestly and plus, Shane was a big changing moment for Rick. Shane brought out just what Rick would do for his family. He made a choice and took down someone that was dangerous to Rick himself and the people around him. But also, it was a big change for Daryl and Rick to in terms of Daryl taking over as Rick’s right hand man and brought them closer. It’s also the big choice that put Rick in charge fully. He didn’t ask for it. It just… happened. Shane is the one who pushed Rick into this role. I believe that fully… That and I just always believed that the Sheriff in Rick was always geared to try and take over in situations. I work with our county Sheriff and I can honestly say that he would definitely try to take over as a leader in a live or die situation. So I think that was always in Rick. He’s not a good one by any means. But he is a leader type.

So at the farm, I was so emotional because seeing Scott Wilson made my heart swell and cry. RIP to this amazing character and to this amazing man that all I’ve heard is genuine love and appreciation for him from others around him and that makes me so happy that he got to have this final scene and moment with Andy and the show and as Hershel… But I will say, seeing him clean shaven again threw me off because no matter how I visualize Hershel, he still has his Santa beard lol. But they say in Heaven you’re younger looking and I thought he did look younger there so maybe he was Angel Hershel coming down to reach out to Rick (I don’t know if that’s what they were going for but it is what I felt and saw).

Anyway, Hershel shows up and has Rick look out across the land from the barn and Rick breaks down with apologies for what happened to him. But not just him. He apologizes for his family in general.

Rick: I'm so sorry for what happened to you. To Beth and Glenn. For everything Maggie's lost. Hershel: Rick. Rick: Maybe if I tried harder, done things different, listened more Hershel: My girl, she's strong, and my grandson, he'll only make her stronger.

Now of course it made me smile to hear Rick say Beth and Glenn’s name because it’s important that he acknowledge that he let these characters down. I do believe that Beth could be alive, there’s no hiding that I do… But even if she isn’t, it’s been a long time since we’ve heard Beth’s name and hearing that made me smile and sigh because it’s something.

This whole scene with Hershel was beautiful in that it was Rick talking to his heart. Hershel was his heart while Shane was Rick’s drive to make the heavy discussions – his strength. Hershel taught Rick that you still have to have heart in this world because you can’t just rely on physical strength alone. That’s what Hershel was for Rick. His heart and faith and this peaceful talk in the barn was just so heartwarming to me. I’m very happy for it.

So now for the scene that everyone was ready for and a scene from the comic covers… Rick in the field of bodies. So Rick ends up back in the hallway of the hospital he woke up in. Instead of running away from the chained door, he goes to the chained door… Which instead of reading “Don’t Open, Dead Inside” it reads “Don’t Open, Dead Outside”. Rick opens the door and outside we just see bodies upon bodies. Around Rick’s feet are the dead. Around his feet are the dead bodies of his family and friends.

Interestingly, this is where people from TD jerked up because we get a shot… of Beth. Of course it’s not Emily Kinney, it’s a stand in (I’m thinking she couldn’t come on due to maybe some scheduled conflict or something) and she’s wearing the yellow polo with blood all over her arm and none on the back of her head.

So here’s my bit of TD for you. One, I think the blood on her arm is from Daryl shooting Dawn. Dawn fell near or on top of Beth’s body when Daryl shot her. The way she jerks and falls down makes me think she fell on Beth… And the blood we see in the last shot of Beth’s hand, is Dawn’s blood. The shot we see of the blood pooling by Beth is Dawn’s since one, her body fell forward and when you have a massive head wound and lean forward, blood pools out (I have confirmation from my father whose head was split open after he was run over by a four-wheeler and the hole was big enough for my grandfathers hand to fit straight down without touching either side... A lot of blood pulled out every time he leaned forward or took a step).

Two, she’s not wearing the sweater and is just in the polo shirt and… Rick never saw Beth wearing just the polo shirt. I’m pretty sure the last time he saw Beth before the exchange, Beth was wearing the dirty grayish blue tank top over the yellow tank top thing and her jeans and boots… And when Daryl carried Beth out / during the exchange, Beth was wearing the gray button up sweater with the yellow polo underneath… So where is the sweater? Also, interestingly, Sasha is wearing the outfit she wore in S4. Daryl is wearing the outfit for season 9, Maggie from season 8 I believe, and Jesus season six and seven… Basically everyone is in different states of dress from different seasons and it’s interesting to me because for some that’s how Rick first saw them or how he sees them now… Or how he remembers them in general like with Sasha. Everyone except for Beth… Because Rick never saw her wearing just the polo shirt…

Now I’m thinking “Listen, Linds, this doesn’t mean anything”… But it’s a costume choice. This is the outfit they chose to put Beth – the stand in – in and it’s not an outfit Rick last saw her in or even knows… Also, the blood on Beth’s arm – on her right arm – is also the same side Rick was bleeding on and where all the blood was coming from.

Also, like everyone else, I did notice that she didn’t have her head wound… Now that doesn’t throw me off that much because like Sunny said in their podcast, everyone does look peaceful and a lot of them do have blood on them… But it is fascinating that Maggie and Beth have blood on them – we can see it. I don’t see any on Daryl or Carol. There’s a smudge on Jesus’s forehead to the left…. But I don’t see any on anyone else that’s team family… Which is interesting because Maggie is basically gonna be M.IA. for the rest of the season, Beth is considered dead, and it’s been rumored that Jesus is going to be dead (I don’t think he’s gonna die but I do think he’s going to disappear for a bit).

So little shit like that caught my eye and was fascinating to me…

On to Sasha! So am I the only one that was fascinated that it was Sasha standing up from the bodies… When back in I think S5, Sasha was killing walkers and then laying in a hole with them… She was laying among the dead. Now she’s standing among the dead with Rick in his fever dream… I thought that was kind of a nice little opposite parallel to how Sasha was then to how she is for Rick here… Plus I just was happy to see her. People seem to forget that Maggie isn’t the only one who lost someone she loved… Sasha had lost Abraham. Rosita lost Abe a long time ago and sure it hurt her and she she still deeply cared about him when he was killed, but Sasha loved Abe and Abe loved Sasha and she lost him and that really hurt her… So seeing her speak such hopeful, peaceful things to Rick… It was where Sasha was always trying to be with Bob and then later with Abe; at peace. It’s Sasha taking on the side that Tyreese was always trying to teach her to be and I think that’s beautiful.

BUT Like a lot of people and like Sunny said… I was surprised. I was expecting Glenn… And the stuff Sasha was saying is stuff I would expect to have Glenn say to Rick. So I agree with Sunny on that and kinda have to ponder if Steven Yeun simply couldn’t come/didn’t want to come or if they really just had Sonequa in mind… Also! I’m a little frustrated we didn’t get to see Carl or Lori. I mean I’m glad Rick saw Michonne but Lori and Carl were his family too, dammit.. I get it. The actors probably couldn’t/didn’t want to but… I don’t know, I wish we could’ve seen more characters from Rick’s past (I’m telling you, if Rick had seen Merle I would be cackling cause you know he’d say “Officer Friendly” to him lol) like Andrea or even Jim would’ve been interesting since that’s the first victim Rick had to leave behind/couldn’t really help you know? Or even seeing a flash of Sophia – the Barn scene was there but Sophia was also a big moment for Rick – would’ve been interesting… I just feel they missed a chance to really dig at Rick’s past. But I’m also aware they might not have been able to so… Yeah.

Now… I want to jump to the time jump. First off, I’m not sure exactly how many years have passed… Between season eight and none, it was said a year and six months – by Maggie – had passed since Glenn died… The AoW took place over about a week or two so… Yeah about eighteen months… So Judith had to be another year older, give or take… Now she’s supposed to be around ten years old (as stated by many articles) – similar age to how old Carl was in the comics (I believe he was 9 in the beginning) – and that means that she was around four/five when Rick died and that means that it’s been about five/six years later by the end of the episode…

First off, Judith Grimes is wearing the Sheriff hat (A symbol for Carl and Rick), has Rick’s gun (wonder if they found it among the rubble of the bridge looking for something of him), a katana (to represent Michonne), but did you all see that she is wearing a purple plaid shirt… Which is what Lori wore in many of her season photos and in the show… So they have Judith paying tribute to Carl, Rick, Michonne, and her biological mother Lori… Now we just need her to rub her head a lot and she can be showing signs of Shane (I kid I kid LOL!).

Is it a bit fanservice? Of fucking course it is… But who cares? This is a zombie show. I stopped caring about realistic shit forever ago with this show lol. Plus I kind of like it. It makes sense for Judith to be… Well, kind of a little asskicker. First off, that’s a tribute to Daryl nicknaming her that. Plus this is a child that completely grew up in this kind of world. Carl was still old enough to remember the old world. Judith only knows this world. It makes sense to me that she’d be more “adjusted” than anyone on this show. You grow as your environment allows and this is the world Judith knows… SO I’m okay with her being a little fanservice like… Now I just need to hear her call Daryl “Uncle Daryl” please!

And… I am beyond fascinated by her taking Carl’s roll to talk to Negan. To seem to have formed some kind of semi-comfortable relationship to Negan of all people… Think about it. Negan, the man who once had a Harem and who tried to kill her family, becoming some kind of associate to Judith is fascinating... It’s very similar to Carl in the comics (not completely since Carl was pretty vicious in the comics and Judith doesn’t seem vicious to me… yet) so… I’m very curious about this. Because Negan in the comic does a few things to try and make Carl trust him and even considers Carl a friend… I wont spoil that for those that haven’t read it but man I’m so so so interested to see where they take Judith’s character now that she’s older (Plus, hello, she’s played by Baby Rey! I may not be the biggest fan of the new Sta Wars movies but I did like Rey enough that I perked up when I saw it was Cailey Fleming… I can’t wait to watch this little girl get to grow her acting chops on the show).

So overall for the episode as a whole… It was a good episode. I’m heartbroken that Daryl has been off on his own in the woods in a crappy tent for the last five-six years but hey, least he gets a dog… That’s nice. I’m interested to see the new folks (especially Magna and Yumiko… Honestly, I’m excited for Connie and Kelly too because in the comics Connie isn’t deaf and Kelly in the comics was a male and Connie was his girlfriend… So they’re going way different here and I love it) and I’m VERY intrigued by the fact they’re focusing on Radio signals and reaching out to new people again.

Tonight’s episode is going to be fun, I think. I’m ready to see how everything is after the time jump and how they explain somethings and what’s changed.

#the walking dead #the walking dead season 9 #twd spoilers #team acceptance #team defiance #team delusional #rick grimes #daryl dixon #judith grimes #twd michonne #michonne #sasha williams #twd 9x05 #what comes after

[stillwinterair]

tell us about desmond!

Des is the ONLY protagonist in a last-gen Bethesda game that I haven’t overhauled, reset, or replaced, which is a damn shock; my original characters in Fallout 3, Oblivion, and Skyrim all went through at least one complete revitalization, where I scrapped them entirely and replaced them with a different character, my Lone Wanderer perhaps being the most dramatic of the bunch with probably 3-4 playthroughs with huge changes each time before landing on the character that I now consider to be the “canon” version

I’ve played through New Vegas as Desmond four times now and am in the middle of a fifth and haven’t changed anything major, he’s only really gotten deeper (not in the edgy way but like the more complex and better-thought-out kinda way) as time has gone on. A lot of that’s due to my second playthrough of the game, which I played between the releases of Dead Money and Honest Hearts, because… that was a longer release window than I’d been anticipating. I started Dead Money the day it came out but was really frustrated the whole time and ended up quitting at the very end because I couldn’t figure out how to not lock myself in the fucking vault at the end. I rage quit, then came back a couple months later to start over. At first just the DLC, but then I figured, why not the whole game? I could prepare for Honest Hearts that way because lmfao little did I know it was gonna be a five month window between DLCs

Now here it’s worth noting: I am more depressed than I have literally ever been, my first year with this game. Early spring of 2011 is when I was originally supposed to be graduating high school. But over the winter, I had pneumonia AND the flu, back to back, while dealing with my parents’ divorce and a whole slew of other mental health issues, after transferring schools literally JUST for my last year because I was already depressed for a whole bunch of other reasons and felt like I needed a change of scenery. I was a mess, and by this point I was realizing that I’d already missed too much school to graduate as I’d planned, so I wouldn’t be able to come back until the fall and would be graduating a year late.

(Honestly this was also probably why I couldn’t figure out how to get out of the Sierra Madre vault, I didn’t have the patience for it, so there I was standing at the end of my high school career and Dead Money and unable to finish either)

So it’s mid to late winter, maybe early spring, and I start New Vegas over. And this character is damn near a blank slate. I recognize that I liked most, if not all of the choices I made in my first playthrough, but I don’t really have anything to ground me in them. So I step outside of Doc Mitchell’s house, run through the tutorial, yadda yadda yadda, the normal new game stuff. I’m listening to Radio New Vegas the whole time, listening to the news, trying to immerse myself in the character and the experience.

But then night’s falling, and I do something I almost never did in my first playthrough: I switch the radio over to Mojave Music. And Tony Marcus’s “Lone Star” starts to play. And everything falls into place.

I decide Des is from Texas. He’s from a little ranch town, but they’ve been running dry in recent years, so they sent Des out to raise caps in the wasteland and come back some day with enough to revitalize the town. He’s meant to be their savior, and he’s got a host of people back home waiting on him, hoping to see him on the horizon, some sunny day soon. It’s a lofty goal for a little town, but they have love and hope and optimism in spades, and not much else.

Cheesy, but that’s the kind of thing I needed at the time.

But then, I realize: Part of the reason this character worked so well for me the first time was because he was a blank slate. He didn’t know shit about the politics of New Vegas, nor how the world worked, nor where to go or what to do, and neither did I. So I decided: Benny’s bullet wiped his memory. He remembers bits and pieces, but for the most part he has amnesia. He has hyper-specific memories of random, unimportant instances of his past life, up to and including the vividly traumatic memory of Benny’s attempt on his life, but for the most part, who he was before is gone. That way, a few of the off-handed in-game comments you can make about, say, visiting New Reno and such can make sense.

So just like it did me, that song stirs something in Desmond: The hint of a hint of a memory, sitting just beyond his reach, that he won’t ever find again. He’ll wander the wastes until the end of his days, no clue that he’s got folks back home waiting for him to come home and save him. And one by one they’ll all give up and move on, until only his parents are left, alone and dying on a dead stretch of land.

But regardless, that turn of fate was better than the alternative. Because Des had, before his run in with Benny, taken a turn for the worse. It didn’t take long after leaving the homestead for him to turn to unsavory work, because that tended to be all that was available, especially when on the fringes of Legion territory. Mercenary work, theft, and assassination became the norm for him, and after a while he basked in it, because he was damn good at it. His natural charm and quick hand made him especially adept at armed robbery, and as he hopped from crew to crew and town to town, he saw the benefits to the criminal life. Instead of taking his winnings back home, he considered cashing out and investing in something that’d make him rich, or happy, or maybe both. He became a shitty, awful person with selfish goals.

The Platinum Chip job was to be one of his last, but fate intervened. He lost the memories of who he was, but it all left a mark on his soul. He feels the things he’s done, even if he can’t remember them. He’s stolen from good people, killed innocents, ripped folk off and was generally an arrogant, snide jackass. The only people he got along with were fellow criminals, and even them, he’d leave when it was convenient or killed when they disagreed. And something deep inside him still knows all that, and is desperate to make up for it.

So Des is generous, and he’s kind, and he’s caring, but in a distant way. He works through crippling guilt he doesn’t understand, spills his own blood and sweat to set things right, but the moment a task is done he leaves and tries not to return. He worries his presence is going to ruin things, so he makes sure he’s only involved long enough to fix a problem. Then he keeps people at arm’s length.

Which is hard. He’s a social person, and he’s good at falling in with people. He’s just also innately good at leaving them. He’s selfless and he’s depressed and the combination makes him feel selfish. So he’s afraid of commitment, but is even more afraid of leaving a task half-finished, a problem half-fixed.

He talks his way out of things as much as he can. He’s not big on sneaking around, and he’s most fond of pistols and rifles. He sees the NCR as the best outcome for New Vegas–by no means perfect, but better than a power vacuum or a dictator. He cares deeply for people, is highly empathic, and is a natural problem solver. He’s talkative, but pretends not to be; he’s a natural leader, but tries not to be. He hates choosing people’s fates, but he’ll do it if no one else will. And he hates killing, but damn if it doesn’t come easy. He acts like he prefers solitude, but is most at home when surrounded by close friends. And nowhere feels more at home than the Lucky 38.

And yet, true to his nature, he leaves again not long after the events of New Vegas wrap up, not because he wants to, but because he feels like he should; because the city and its people and the lands around it will be better off without him. But he’ll never forget the lessons the Mojave taught him.

#oc: desmond

[dpargyle]

Winter of My Discontents

Alright, moving on –

So this is the first day of shit weather this year where I live.  It’s weird – growing up in New York I remember the seasons – but here we only have two – winter and construction.  It goes from 80 to 40 (F) in about a week – so yesterday was 75 and sunny and I could read outside and actually talk to people and today it’s 59 and rainy and cloudy and I just wanna set everything on fire.

I fucking hate it.

Kids – I fucking hate winter.  It glooms over you – and everything goes from bright and outside to monochrome and “fuck you.”  My wheelchair can’t go over the snow and it snows here from like the beginning of November to the middle of April and all of those months here I loathe.  Summer’s ok here but you’re still surrounded by religious lunatics.  

Nobody plows their fucking sidewalk in winter so I have to literally risk my life by driving my wheelchair in the middle of roads with cars in order to cross my own godsdamn street just to get food and now this year

my Dad wants me to come into the office three times a week.  

(So – to explain my work situation – OK – so technically I’m unemployed – and that’s cuz of the stupid fucking government who says like “oh you’re making above this much money as a person in a wheelchair?  Well in that case Medicaid isn’t gonna pay for your attendants to help you get up in the morning and go to bed at night (I’d need to make, like, 25k or so a year to afford that basically)” and also if you save literally one dollar more than $2,000 at one time on all your bank accounts combined we’ll also cut your Medicaid funding for the attendants and very expensive medical equipment (my chair costs 36k every 5 years) as well!” so I’m very much hamstrung by bureaucratic bullshit) –

so in order to get around all this nonsense – I (with the help of my family) am officially unemployed but I live in an apartment that’s technically rented by my Dad’s company – and in return I write and edit (and have been for like 6 years now) an e-magazine about the 3D Printing Industry (I don’t put my name on it though because again, government…) – which is kinda interesting and has allowed me to do both that and focus on my creative work as well – and I also do some freelance writing and one time an artistic thing for the company as well – (that money gets funneled to a bank account the government doesn’t know about) but mostly I’m glad I’ve had these jobs but they’re not…I don’t get excited about them.  I know other people might, but – I’m not one of them hahaha.  I really want to work creatively, but you know…)

In any case, while my Dad does run the main company as CEO he didn’t hire me – it wasn’t his idea – the owner of the company (who has lots of $$$) – after a year of me searching for jobs after college (very unsuccessfully) called me up one day and was like “you’re doing this for us now” and I needed to move out of my folks’ house ASAP so I was like “OK” –

But now my Dad wants me to come in to the office on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays – and I totally understand his reasoning (he’s trying to help me out) – he thinks that if I’m in the office other people there will involve me more in freelance-type work and I’ll be able to earn more $ - and this is probably true – and he also wants me to “get out of your warren” – cuz he knows my brother was basically the only person I interacted with socially in this entire city on any regular basis and now that he’s gone, well….

So my Dad seems to think being social with the other workers or something will be good for me? I mean maybe he’s right but I know everyone in there and they’re all super old and while they’re very nice I don’t have much in common with them and even if I did it’s still super awkward cuz I’m the boss’s son and it’s just awkward – I mean this is part of the reason why my brother left anyway – he worked there for three years but after those three years he was ready to not work at his Dad’s company anymore – and plus he and his wife fuckin hated Utah anyway and I don’t blame them at all I mostly hate it too haahahaha (cries)…

Though if I’m being honest anywhere I’d live I’d probably find all the flaws in real quick…

But maybe somewhere like California where actual things happen and I don’t have to fucking war against winter every year…

Cuz like I’ve tried the work many days a week with a commute in this city – and in summer it’s ok – there’s a very good tram-line system and I’m close to a station (for this purpose) – but in winter…

So for the first year I lived in Salt Lake I was working the magazine job and I was also working at the local Apple Store as well and that winter I literally nearly died commuting cuz I was super tired all the time (my fatigue tolerance level is super low) and dealing with customers and then doing the magazine job and then I was trying to write a book in my free time (it was the first one I wrote and it was complete shit but I’m proud of it cuz it was the first thing I’d ever finished) but I was basically operating at only 15% power and then one night I was on the train platform and there was ice and I slipped off it and half my wheelchair and I fell into the gap between the platform and the train and if that train operator hadn’t seen me he would’ve pulled out of the station and I woulda been warm meat paste…

(I nearly die at least six times a year…)

And that was the night I decided I’d quit that Apple job cuz no job is worth that hellish commute.

Even in subtler ways, though the winter is a killer for me here – there are days when the weather or the pressure changes and my right shoulder (the arm I drive my power wheelchair with) is in so much agony I can hardly move at all – and this lasts 2 or 3 days sometimes 4 –

and then they have these frikken godsforsaken mines here and we’re in this bowl-shaped valley so they mine all this dust into the air and so there’s this inversion here in winter and you can literally visibly see the dust in the air and your throat burns for like four months straight and it’s like the fuckin dust bowl or something god I hate unregulated red states…

And to top it all off, when I travel a lot in the cold my feet rub against my shoes which happened when I commuted to the apple store and by the end of that year I had sores on my heels that took 6 months to heal and in that time one of my best friends from high school died and I couldn’t travel to his funeral because I couldn’t even get out of my door and….I hated myself for that – I’d let him down (again.)

To be honest with you – when I first got offered that job at Apple I was so proud and happy and excited – I’d been looking for a job for a year after college and I looked everywhere – all over the world – in every industry I could think of – and there was just nothing.  Nobody even offered me an interview before they did – and I have self-esteem issues anyway so I started thinking – like – is it cuz I’m in a wheelchair?  Is that why nobody wants me?  (I really have issues dealing with any kind of rejection because of this…)

But then Apple came along and said “Yes!”  And I was like OMG this is amazing – I’m doing retail but it’s gonna be in an interesting (kind of) industry and I’m gonna work with young peeps like me and I’m gonna do creative stuff in my free time and slowly work my way up the ladder and I’m still young I got tons of time to do everything and be everywhere I wanna be going…and then the month before I had the job orientation with Apple my old high school friend had the sudden accident which would lead to his passing a few months later – and….nothing mattered like it had anymore…

He was hovering between life and death all the way in New York and I was in Utah doing…what? Selling expensive crap to rich Mormons? Nothing made sense anymore.  For six years before that point I’d been an insufferable evangelical Christian zealot – and although for two years my faith had been wavering due to me beginning to question its draconian teachings – at that point I still had it – but then this happened and very quickly what little faith I’d been holding onto died with my friend.  

I’m glad I’ve grown in my empathy and inclusiveness since then – but on the other hand, I feel I’ve lost something…

And then a month after my friend’s accident I had to present myself to Apple and be an enthusiastic team player filled with evangelism for the products and I just…I couldn’t do it…I remember that week so vividly too cuz that was the week George Lucas sold Lucasfilm to Disney and they announced they were doing MORE STAR WARS and I was like holy fuck that’s what I wanna do – maybe not necessarily Star Wars (though !!!) – but telling stories and weaving myths – and making a thing that MATTERED to people – that moved them and shook them and changed them and nourished them and gave them some godsdamned fucking hope in this unjust world…

But I was stuck here in Utah…

So I started writing that book and I pushed myself so incredibly hard cuz literally by that point it was the only thing that mattered to me and made sense – feeling like I’d been put on this Earth to make art and I wasn’t gonna waste anymore time because maybe I didn’t have anymore time, you know?

And like I couldn’t connect with my coworkers – they were my age but many of them were Mormons with whole families they were supporting and most of the rest (save for my good friend @soundscomplicated) – I just…it was hard to connect to.  In college I’d been surrounded by interesting people who challenged my brain and soul parts (at least sometimes – though academia drove me nuts) …but now….now I was stuck in the wasteland with no way out…

I finished the book and it was crap but at least I’d done something.  Then I made that personal safety decision to quit Apple and for the last four years I’ve been working from home…

And this past year or so I finally began to put it all together again maybe – my drawing skills were improving – I was writing another book that scared the crap outta me (but that was a good thing) – about a group of nerds who lost someone close to them and whose worlds were turned upside down as a result – where the protagonist was a kid in a wheelchair like me and for the first time I felt like I was writing something IMPORTANT that MATTERED that might move people – letting out all my pain and hope and regret and love -

But then I sent it out to potential agents and waited and waited and waited for months and months and literally none of them even sent me a solid rejection.  It was all just nothingness into the void.  I understand they get so many submissions though so I tried not to take it personally –

And I decided this story and these words that I’d finished were important enough for me to publish on Amazon – so I did – and it was one of the proudest moments of my life (this was back in April or so) but then – nobody bought it.  And it’s not like I expected to make out like gangbusters – I don’t know anything about marketing or being social media savvy (I mean just witness the godsdamned length of this friggen post hahaha) – but I thought at least everyone in my extended family would buy it – but nope. It sold like 11 copies.  Let’s just say I will love those 11 people forever but I just…

Like I’d killed myself over this fucking book.  I went down into the deepest parts of my soul and ripped them out for all the world to see – I didn’t do anything but this book.  I did my paying work for the company but hanging out with people other than my brother sometimes?  I didn’t have time.  I didn’t have the energy.

In the flesh connections are so hard and when you’re working on something you truly believe in – well – you feel compelled to WORK WORK WORK and where was I gonna meet people here anyway?  

This story mattered more than my own happiness.

And now that it hasn’t done well?  What was it all for?  Really? It’s not that I’m not totally effing proud of what came out – I am – probably more than any other art I’ve ever made – but…I dunno I guess I just have delusions of grandeur for myself…sometimes I feel like if I’m not Shakespeare – if I can’t support myself with my art – I’m a failure.  

I’ve failed.  My life has been a waste!

And then I sit back and I try to remind myself that’s an incredibly toxic and terrible way of thinking but at this point I literally can’t help it…

I don’t know what to work on next creatively.  And now I’m having to spend more time away from my creative stuff and I don’t want to – I really don’t give a shit about the meager extra money I’m gonna get by going into the office – I want those hours I’m gonna waste there back!  I don’t want to spend more hours not doing what I was born on this earth to do.

That probably sounds super privileged of me and I’m lucky to be where I am and blah blah blah but I just……and when the winter really comes and there’s snow on the ground I literally will not be able to go to the office (or even leave my apartment easily for that matter) and my Dad understands that – but I just…

Maybe I just don’t want to do that stuff anymore?  I’m probably coming across as a super lazy and ungrateful person – and I am, but…

I just don’t have many friends here anyway and spending energy on commuting is just not gonna help that at all and I see no way out and I’m literally crying as I type this and I want OUT OUT OUT so bad but I don’t know what that means or what that looks like and I am cold and scared and lonely and tired and

For the past month it’s been warm and sunny and I’ve had Blondie to distract me from all this pain and mounting mediocrity and it’s been nice cuz I haven’t really had a crush in the flesh since college – like literally the last girl I allowed myself to fall for is now married with two kids hahaha and that night I got my head stuck in the fridge and I didn’t say this in the original post but

I was literally kind of sobbing because my brother was leaving (he’s gone now) and I don’t have many good friends (especially here) and my book I cared so much about fucking crashed and burned and I put my fucking soul into that thing and it wasn’t good enough I’M NEVER GOOD ENOUGH and then my chair crapped out and I was about to die and I cried for like an hour (I haven’t cried like that in like seven years – since before my friend died) but then I stopped crying cuz Leia’s Theme came on my shuffle and it gave me some hope so instead of crying I was yelling and then somebody busted open my front door

And she was literally an angel and just sweet and all my everything just washed away and everything was OK but now – it’s just – that distraction is fading away and I am facing my reality and…

As with every winter here, I am growing restless…

#tales from the wasteland

[outoforderaro]

4, 10, 13, 17, 24, 35, 43, 49, 56, 58, 66, 67, 74, 80, 106, 117, 119, 134, 138, 151 have funnnnnnnnnn

ahh ty rhys ily

4: 3 things I loveI loved partying with friends on campus and i really miss drinking and hanging out with folks! I also love my friends a whole whole lot! And i love dnd i have a lot of fun with it and im getting ready to dm a group and [anxious grimace] but it should be good?

10: How tall am II'm 5'9" which is p much perfectly average? so I am conditionally tol or smol. Like around most of my friends I was a tol but i am a smol to some people. which i guess is how averages work.

13: Favourite colorReally fond of purple, green, and blue. so lol i have good flags for that eh?

17: Favourite foodThis is really tough because i like a lot of foods? most foods really? I really like strawberries, pineapples, sunny side up eggs, waffles, falafel, fish, blueberries? there's a random collection of foods i like i guess. it's hard tho bc while i like most foods, my brother does not, and my mom has some foods she doesn't do (like fish) so it's difficult to do those. also hummus!

24: Favourite style of clothingrhys babe i know you know i just wear a tee and jeans like 90% of the time. idk tho lol goal aesthetic is sorta butch femme? which is bleh bc that just doesnt work lol. ah well ill wear my flannel anyway

35: Favourite holidaydoes my birthday count bc that's coming up lol. no i really like christmas? more like the idea of it though. in practice it's not so great. is fat tuesday a holiday? bc give me those paczis. idk are there even any other holidays really? lol

43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?it can take so long! mostly bc 17 snooze alarms before actually getting my ass out of bed, laying there checking my phone, and general slowness to go anywhere. if i can, i can get out the door quick but even outside of all that sloth i like to have some time to wake up before needing to do anything

49: Am I excited for anything?meh? sorry no not really :/

56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?honestly anyone from campus! ahhhh. if it has to be someone new? ughhhhh idk. sorry!

58: What’s my strangest talent?my family is blessed with generally very good timing at restaurants, like we'll get through just before the massive wave. is that a talent? lol. idk if i have a strange talent? (or any talent?)

66: What’s the weather like right now?dark. lol. it's a really clear, nice night, just nicely cool. it's real good.

67: What was the last book I’ve read?I'm currently reading "feet of clay" by terry pratchett, the last one i finished was "the color of magic" by him

74: Favourite animal?dogs are really good of course but ravens are really cool and smart. idk i think animals in general are p great!

80: What is my favorite word??? idk? fuck is a really good english word bc it's every part of speech and basically the only infix in the language which is cool even though this answer makes me 12 years old. in asl it's def pasteurized milk and you know why ;)

106: Been to a wedding?yeah ive been to a few. the best one was for a cousin, and my uncle who's like super rich? let me use his dslr camera and i went around and took pictures of people and got a lot of praise on that and that got me into photography!

117: What concerts have I been to?I've seen as the main act: (in no particular order) against me!, panic! at the disco, fall out boy, metallica, trans-siberian orchestra, and wayland (twice as main act, one in a multi band show). ive also seen shinedown (twice), sick puppies (twice), lamb of god, hinder, seether, some other openers that i can't recall bc shouting it out at a rock concert is literally the worst way to transmit info to me. i think that's everything tho

119: Learned another language?I still have some *v* rusty spanish. I used to be p decent at it, but i haven't used it. I have some faltering asl that im working on. i learned a little bit of japanese, like the hiragana and maybe 100 kanji or so? Language learning is really cool tho!

134: What do I want for birthday?ah geez i swear i didn't see this one when i mentioned it was my birthday earlier lol. im always gonna freeze on these which is why i keep an amazon wishlist, lol. it's mostly books actually. my secret wishlist has some skirts, some queer books, some aro pride stuff from other sites, and lockpicks. which makes for a good aesthetic lol.

138: What was my favourite toy as a child????? we had a snes which was awesome as fuck. we also had *so many* legos which was *awesome* and the best. we had one of those big rubbermaid tubs full of them and then a bit more, thanks to some donations from somewhere, and our aforementioned rich uncle giving us them for birthday/christmas. the lego collection was rad af

151: What I’d do if I won in a lotterypay off student loans, help out my parents, get a nice little apartment, try and do the Rich People thing and Invest and try to avoid capitalism as much as possible ... by using it? idk. try to be able to spend it helping other people yk?

tysm rhys, love you!

#rhys #ask #ask meme #ty!! love you #mettcha

[ts-seychelles]

EP. 7 - “It’s Not What I Wanted, But It’s What We Get” - ASYA

https://youtu.be/KygetX1CM98

This is a short confessional as I’m in sunny San Clemente California. This DTC gives me anxiety. Jared’s been very quiet to me since the Zach boot but I gotta put my trust in the ginger. I love our third wheel alliance though. And Roxy is targeting me first like wtf. I had nothing to do with Zach going so don’t try and put it on me. And regan knocked me out of the challenge first so I’m also nervous about that. Overall I could be going tonight and it stinks that I need to put my fate into someone else’s hands. It’s not fun.

Okay so honestly this round is going to be a whole bundle of yikes. I am really trying to make sure that Ashen goes this round. Love Ashen to death, they seem like a very very nice person, but they haven't spoken to me at all, haven't attempted to form a game relationship or a connection, and I have a feeling someone from the OG Lazare is going to go home at their tribal tonight, so I've gotta make sure it's an OG Malabar, and I cannot lose an OG Lazare because then we're going to be going into a merge 6-6 with original numbers, and I lowkey don't count Nicole as an OG Lazare at this point, so I'm not feeling too confident. I also had a long talk with Augusto last night, and we spoke about a lot of things, particularly what we're going to do when we get to the merge, and we know that there are some demons we're going to have to face,,,, we spoke about Regan potentially being an ally of mine (which I actually really want to happen), and then people wanting to immediately go after the power couple of Jared/Nicole, so idkkkkkkkkkkk I know Ricky is another option because Augusto was trying to split up relationships with the original OG Lazare ladies, who apparently had an alliance bc Nicole told Vilma, and then Vilma told Augusto that there was an alliance between Asya, Nicole, Ricky and Roxy, so I know that's definitely something to worry about, letting all four of them get to merge..... BUT I am semi confident in my relationships with all of them. I'm just not too sure. I know I have my own four person alliance to combat this, because I am trying to get something together between Vilma, Dan, Augusto and myself, which I think is just really smart because all four of us seem to be middle of the road players, and we aren't drawing too much attention to ourselves in general, and there are no obvious ties that are being talked about that involve any of the four of us (or so I think), so I think it's a good foursome. I really do feel kinda confident in the merge, but I also know that there is a very good chance I'm one of the first few toast at the merge (even with my idol), but I also know I have the skill to go very deep.................... idk. This merge is going to be interesting, especially with my worrisome relationship with Jared AND Regan, so it's going to be interesting because I see both of them making the merge. SOOOOOOOO back to the plan tonight. I gotta just rationalize with the other OG Lazares (which won't be too hard) to make it seem like we're 4-3ing this bitch, but I know that Dan and Augusto are already down to get Ashen, and I just need them to go simply so I can maximize the amount of relationships I have going into the merge. I am not feeling the strongest about where I am in the game right now, but I am still alive and breathing, and if I just make myself an option to a lot of people, I think that I can make this go well for myself to at least get to that mid jury range :))

(A LITTLE LATER)

It seems like we've gotten to that point of the day today where we've all come to the general consensus that Ashen is going home today. I know we didn't get to talk, and you seem VERY nice, but you've gotta TALK to people after being on a tribe with them for 12 days or so? It isn't the fact that you've been removed from the community this whole time that is causing you to go home, it's your social game :/

I got tons to catch up on cause your resident flop here didn’t make any confessionals last round, so there’s that! From the tribal where Zach went home, I’m surprised that it went the way it did but not at the same time? The way I perceived their tribe when we first swapped was Nicole and Jared grouping together alongside Regan and JG as Malabar was low in numbers, plus Nicole felt a connection to Regan and Jared/JG have been on every tribe together so far. That being said, I totally expected it to be Alex Crooks since Nicole spoke about him really negatively when we were on NuLazare together. I am incredibly happy that sending Ruben to Ghost Island paid off because being honest, I was terrified that Regan would go home since she’s one of my closest people out here, personally and strategically so it would’ve been a massive loss. What the future holds for Nicole/Jared/JG/Regan will be interesting because I can also see Nicole/Jared flipping to the Lazares on that tribe since they are so much in the middle, moreso Nicole than anyone else.

(AFTER NUMEROUS ATTEMPTS TO RETRIEVE OUR CAMERA)

As far as the tribal council I went to last round, Vi leaving was not my PREFERRED plan, but I am also here to play a long term game, so I can’t be hellbent on making crazy moves that benefit me in a short term setting. I did think it was a good time to get rid of Ricky as Vi could’ve been used as a scapegoat for that vote and we could’ve kept Asya on her toes and gotten rid of Vi right after, but it is what it is. Will I try to keep going for Ricky/Asya ths vote? I’m not really sure because I don’t want to seem like a limited player that doesn’t see every perspective, especially if we’re heading into a merge soon.

(WE OBVIOUSLY FAILED)

Tea, tea, tea, tea, and more TEA! I really think my alliance/Final 2 with Johnny is paying off because he STAYS telling me information, so that’s exciting! For starters, there’s an alliance between himself, Vilma, and Asya. That worries me just a tad because Asya also has Ricky, so she’s kinda well protected but ngl, her social game with me is kinda ass so I’m wondering how that’ll be with other people if we merge. Johnny also let me know that Vilma found the idol clue in her beer, which she totally lied to me about but I’m not surprised cause I’d do the same thing. Said clue led her to find the Takamaka Idol however, which makes me sad because I was super close to finding it myself as it was at the Wheel at the Shipwreck, a location that I’ve been looking in for quite some time so yay for me being an unlucky dumbass. I am aware now that both Johnny and Vilma have idols, which is good for me since I’m the only person outside of Johnny to know who owns 2 idols. When I went on call with Johnny, he was telling me about his good connections with Ruben, his somewhat okay relationship with Crooks, and how he thinks Roxy is shady which was good to know. He also told me tea on how Zach tried to initiate an alliance early on in OG Lazare. It’s good to have all this tea, but Johnny is my supplier and that makes me a bit nervous that in our Final 2, he holds the reins. That’s like late game thinking and it’s too early for that, but I just gotta be realistic and keep it in the back of my mind.

(GOOD GOD)

Get your popcorn folks because tonight we’re having a Double Tribal Feature! Yeah, Double Tribals really spook me since a large part of why I have unfinished business is because I went home at a Double Tribal in Great Lakes. Hopefully, I can move past this little speedbump to race closer to the end! <3 As much as I would’ve loved a clue to the idol, it’s already been found so being put on the spot and exposed for getting a clue didn’t seem all that worth it to me, but I guess everyone else on my tribe felt the same! With no one having immunity, my odds of staying increased a bit so that’s cute, but for whatever reason I’m nervous. With me being the messy ass that I am, I did talk to Ashen about maybe voting Ricky last round and Ashen very much tried to not do that by even telling me that Ricky and them discussed how Ricky is only close to Asya from OG Lazare and how he doesn’t really fuck with anyone else. Ultimately, we all voted for Vi and that discussion died down, but I am afraid that Ashen told Ricky. Johnny also told me that Ricky was beginning to think I was the reason for his tribal anxiousness and I fear that has to do with what I told Ashen. Thankfully, Johnny deflected and Ricky isn’t TOO spooked by me. It just further shows that I can’t be trusting people with valuable information; another part of my unfinished business.

(JEFF PROBST RECAP WHO?)

Finally, a sis is in an alliance! The one with Ashen, Drake, and Samantha doesn’t really count imo so yeah. The Golden Girls is an alliance with myself, Johnny, Dan, and Vilma in it and like, I love it? It’s been in the works ever since the first or second night of this swap since we all just sorta vibed with one another but I think it’s good that we formally came together, especially for this vote as it determines the potential merge. The consensus we’ve agreed on is doing Ashen this vote, which is like good and bad for me? The only negative is that it gives Johnny and Vilma more flexibility to go between The Golden Girls and the alliance with Asya, plus the fact that we’re keeping a duo in the game. However, Ricky/Asya can be a meat shield during the merge (or a key component in a move but whatever hbgfjdks) so there’s that. Ashen is someone who has always been shady to me, so getting rid of that should lift a weight off of my shoulders. It’s been two votes where Ashen has sort of put their foot down and caused me to go in another direction, so heading into a merge with that type of player is a spell for disaster. I could also use this vote to build a bridge with Ricky and Asya since like, I might need them! Communication is a two way street and I’ve tried to cross it many times, but they usually put a stop to any convo in the past so let’s hope we can build that a bit more. As for the other tribe, I hope Ruben or Crooks leave so that I can have more options at the merge since it’s looking like I might not have all that many.

https://youtu.be/xWiMmEe2QYo

well idk what to do. I want to keep Alex but JG does not. jg is not budging like tf

So me and Johnny are playing everyone HA my life is good. I don’t feel nervous which probably means I’m donezo. I really don’t like playing the middle but ts the safest bet rn. I just am doing my best not to get caught but I’m sure I’ll be found out soon enough!!!

So going into this round I’ve been a huge ass fucking mess. First I wanted to get Jg regan and Roxy together to split up the duo but because of JG not helping me win immunity I went to Jared for help. He told me if I voted Roxy then I’ll prove my loyalty. Only thing is I risk being at the bottom of that trio by doing that

(A LITTLE LATER)

On the flip side of it regan JG and Roxy begged me saying they are loyal to that 4. They say they wanna vote Alex. So unless I’m being played which there is a huge ass chance of that I’m the swing. Part of me wants to vote out Alex but the issue is that if any of those 3 don’t vote Alex and he stays I lose my chance to prove myself and if they aren’t already voting me I go to merge with nobody

(EVEN LATER)

But I’m a risk taker and honestly this trio needs to be divided ASAP

So this round has been... wild. I'm playing so risky this round because I don't want any votes against me. I would have a lot more room to play if I didn't give a shit about that but I'm crackt and uhhhh.... here we are. I had a call with Ruben last night where I basically forced him into voting for Roxy, because I said she will already have a majority of the votes on her, so voting her would be a sign of loyalty to me, and then I will have his back in the future. I told him I was being honest and it opened up more options for him. - 1, he can take that information to gather votes against me, and if it works, good on him! - 2, if he tries that and it doesn't work, I can't trust him and he will be super fucked at merge. Then, I was honest with Alex about who I wanted out, because I want him to see I am true to my word. I told JG and Regan the plan. Roxy is voting Alex TO MY KNOWLEDGE, and Ruben has a chat with Regan and JG where he said he will vote me or Alex. I told Regan to make him think it's Alex, so I can see where his loyalty lies, AND because Alex is not actually going home----- Alex will hold a bigggg vendetta against Ruben. And IIIIIIIIIII didn't lie to Ruben, SO WE GOOODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!! That's if it all works out. There is potential for Roxy to play an advantage and the votes to actually be on me. If so, good on them.

https://youtu.be/LKXlhMBUhyw

Tonight is the double tribal night and it has been strangely quiet these past few hours even though tribal is already starting in a little over an hour. As far as I know Ashen is getting voted out tonight, and I was originally against the plan because Ashen was the main person who wanted to help me stay in the game a few rounds ago. I know I'm going to feel really shitty voting for them after all that happened. :''''''''''''''''''''''( It sucks. But upon reflecting I decided that I'm not going to go out of my way to save Ashen because both sides (Dan&Augusto vs. Ricky&Asya) were surprisingly okay with the idea of voting out Ashen tonight, and I want to stay on everyone's good side going to the merge. I don't want to make any big enemies just yet, since I'm sure the first merge rounds will be super intense and the alliance lines seem to be really fuzzy right now. I'm currently kinda trying to play the middle with Johnny, and it's definitely risky, but exciting at the same time! I've never really been in this middle position before. I'm still paranoid that I'm going to get blindsided tonight, but that's nothing new honestly. I'm pretty sure I'm going to hold on to my idol for another round. But I will play it as soon as I start getting any weird vibes, I definitely don't want to go home with it! Respectfully yours with sincere gratitude, Vilma666

https://youtu.be/S0UjIBwTsiE

I TOLD JARED AND THEN NICOLE I HAVE THE IDOL WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. ugh

#itsgametimekids

[shemakesmusic-uk]

INTERVIEW: Katie Von Schleicher.

Fresh off the back of a UK tour alongside Aldous Harding, Katie Von Schleicher recently premiered her latest single, 'Sell It Back' which is taken from her self-produced and co-engineered debut full-length album, Shitty Hits, out July 28 via Full Time Hobby, where Von Schleicher confronts feelings of isolation and powerlessness. She is not tackling grandiosity, but mediocrity; the struggle of being deeply flawed and unmistakably human.

Katie Von Schleicher’s previous release Bleaksploitation was an accident, years in the making. While interning at Ba Da Bing Records, owner Ben Goldberg suggested that she record a cassette for the label to release. It could be anything, demos or a live performance, but she took it a bit more seriously than Goldberg intended. The result was her first self-produced and engineered effort, a strange, hazy, pop-laden tape. Doing her own press under a pseudonym and referring to it as an “album,” Von Schleicher garnered enough attention for Bleaksploitation to see it released on vinyl in the Spring of 2016.

Now on her full-length official debut release, Von Schleicher strikes again on the magic that comes from her warped and uncompromising sound. Shitty Hits channels the bright, sunny radio burners of the 1970’s - songs you drive to, carefree, and songs you can cry to.

We were lucky enough to have a chat with Katie about Shitty Hits, touring, who she would love to collaborate with and more. Check the interview out below.

So far we've heard the brilliant songs 'Life's A Lie', 'Paranoia' and 'Sell It Back' from your upcoming official debut LP Shitty Hits. Like your previous "accidental" release Bleaksploitation, Shitty Hits was home recorded but in what ways does it differ from Bleaksploitation? How do you think you have grown as an artist thus far?

"Shitty Hits comes from the same impetus as Bleaksploitation and is meant to lodge deeply somewhere in the region of one’s chest. Maybe you could call it ‘finding my voice,’ but it’s the idea of taking what I love, music that already exists, and trying to locate a gap, what’s missing for me, and fill it. I’m obsessed with deeply melodic and transportational music: Randy Newman, Elliott Smith, Carole King, The Beatles, Kate Bush, Arthur Russell, and a ton of lesser known pillars. So I always begin with that in mind. But production wise, I’m aiming for those songs to be presented with a deeply resonating and heavy, unapologetic dose of atmosphere and feeling. Basic, essential rhythms, but unplaceable, distorted. It’s hard to put into words! Thematically, Shitty Hits ventures inward whereas Bleaksploitation was less personal and intimate. And I felt far more ambitious in its sonic scope and fidelity. Bleak was done to a four-track tape recorder, and its possibilities were finite. It was a way to get my foot in the door. Shitty Hits has 40 tracks on a song, it was an open-ended challenge to myself."

Is there a particular reason why you've decided to tape-record your music and do you think this will always be your method of choice?

"I think it will continue as an element, at least. With this record we began with 8 tracks on each song to cassette tape, then transferred to digital. It’s not necessary, but I love putting drums and bass to tape. I’m prone to ritualizing this process, which can be so difficult to approach at its inception. The psychological importance of tape is that it adds an immediacy to each performance. Tape or not, I believe in doing a whole performance of a song vocally and instrumentally, rather than patching myself in on the second verse or something. Maybe that’s just for me, but I like it."

Shitty HIts is about you confronting feelings of isolation and powerlessness. Where did these feelings stem from and how important was it for you to be able to express these emotions through music?

"They come from observations I’ve made about myself and how I experience the world. When I get down, it feels like a loss of perspective. I’m fighting to have a sense of self again, which is also mirrored in the process of making a record, the self-doubt it incurs. It feels perverse to discuss depression sometimes, and of course it has its place, but it felt fairly important to bring it up in the music, if anywhere. These are the feelings I had while making the record, the feelings I had about making it. I was also thinking about the legacy of popular song, how there are so many brilliant tunes about heartbreak and pain, but rarely about its less poetic minutiae. So I tried to write songs in major keys, exuberant ones, but infuse them with the small details of feeling, a happy perversion."

The LP was produced and co-engineered by yourself. How important is it to you to have complete control over your music? What was your favourite part recording the album?

"It’s important to have control in what still feels like this gestation period I’m in. I’m new to this. Hopefully someday I’ll have more confidence to assert myself in company because I would love to collaborate more. My favorite parts are always the happy accidents. If I’m alone those happen more easily because I forget my body as well as the rules of being social in a group environment.  The recording process heavily shaped the outcome of a song like 'Midsummer,' because I took a strange guitar solo and then impulsively, during a take, sang over that guitar solo, sang a new part to the song. And it meant that leaving the first chorus the song takes off into a new intensity I hadn’t planned. The song 'Soon' was the most bang-our-heads-against-the-wall experience, we were lost on how to present it. I’m not even sure how this happened, but during basics we made the song a bit long, with extra sections. When I was finishing the record alone, I decided to have this melodic saxophone part that makes up the whole second half of the song. It was just a part I sang over it during a take. The moments I can’t even remember that yielded positive results are why I do it."

What has been your biggest challenge as an independent artist and how did you overcome that challenge? What advice might you have for other artist's out there that aim to have complete creative control over their musical output?

"The biggest obstacle has been my bias toward myself. I didn’t know what most pedals did, I didn’t feel like I could master these things that men around me had mastered at age 14, I felt stupid asking questions like “what is compression?” I didn’t listen to cool music in high school, I only got into what now moves me most deeply in college, so I felt like I was too late to the party, or that if I hadn’t found the White Album at age ten, I wasn’t authentically allowed to take part in its legacy. I say my bias toward myself, because I don’t want to make this about gender roles that have been placed on me, since on most occasions they are not. But sometimes I witness guys playing together and I see a belonging that I never quite felt, like this is a destiny. I didn’t envision myself producing albums when I was a kid, I didn’t think “I want to be Brian Eno.” Anyway, my advice would be to forget imposed regulations and do whatever the fuck you want, the scarier the better, especially if you’re of a gender, orientation or race that wasn’t represented by The Band. It’s never too late to take the reins, and anyone can do it."

We think that is excellent advice! You've recently returned from a UK tour with brilliant Aldous Harding. What was that experience like?

"It was incredible. First of all I didn’t have to drive, there was a tour manager. I’ve never experienced that before, and let me tell you, it’s the lap of luxury. Aldous Harding is the most formidable musician I’ve ever opened for, and it presented quite a challenge in that respect. I fell in love with London."

London is a wonderful place! What is currently your favourite song to perform from the new album?

"My favorite songs to play now are 'Midsummer' and 'Nothing.'"

Are there any new artist's that you're listening to right now that you think we should check out? If you had the chance to collaborate with another artist/band who would it be and why?

"I’m sure you’ve checked them out already! Aldous Harding, Andy Shauf, Big Thief. My labelmates Cross Record, Tiny Hazard and David Nance blow me away, and don’t have as much visibility as the aforementioned folks. Right now I’d like to collaborate with Zannie Owens, whose band Really Big Pinecone is based here, and Nate Mendelsohn, who has a band called Market. I’d like to try and do some random side project. I’d also love to produce someone else’s album. As far as big famous folks, uh, Randy Newman. Let’s make a fuzzed out Randy Newman album."

Is there anything you like to do outside of music that contributes to your musicality? For example a hobby you turn to in order to rejuvenate your creativity?

"I do graphic design and terrible painting. Used to write a lot of poetry but haven’t lately. I read a bit. Mostly I just get angry about politics and produce nothing with effect on that front."

Finally, what has been the best part of your journey as an artist so far and what are you looking forward to in the future?

"I’m surprised by the journey. That might be the best part. I’m so happy I’ve matched my desire to write songs with a desire to turn them, recorded, into something else entirely. I look forward to collaboration, to the next record, and hopefully touring the hell out of this one."

Shitty Hits is out July 28 via Full Time Hobby. Pre-order the album HERE.

#interview #katie von schleicher

[gulescamisade]

Alaska:  Day 24, New Rebel Base

[[ They've arrived in the next rebel base, their giant insectoid "pilot" coming to a stop at a large growth of moss and flowers on the cavern ceiling to munch away. A rebel conductor helps them out of the basket and back into the tunnels, where they're informed once again that they stand to meet the small group that will lead them to the lusus keeping hold and assist them in securing their transport to Minnesota. They wait in a room while the troupe is summoned. ]]

REDGLARE: -She found it kind of peaceful, on the giant bug basket. A lot of time to think. Now she's hobbling off and having to walk again hurts a whole fuckload, don't it? Urgh. She leans back and folds her arms as she waits.-

[[ The bandages have gotta be hella itchy, too. ]]

REDGLARE: >;/

LATULA: -WALKING BACK AND FOURTH A BUNCH NO LESS-

DAVE: -he's been compliant and talking incessantly but hey, he's alive. the room they're in makes a nice shelter, but he's antsy- heres an idea

DAVE: teleporters

MINDFANG: -The bug basket wasnt awful, but still she was glad to be moving along. The sooner the better really. And also not having to move much after her chest trauma was great, but now was the time to suck it up again and she leans against one of the walls while digging her fingers into the small crevices of her bionic arm to see if she can adjust anything in there to make it any semblance of slightly more functional.-

HESONY: =mrrrg... He approached Mindfang and made a gesture towards her arm. In addition to that, he makes a face at her digging.= :\

MICEXA: -how rich do u think this operation is-

MICEXA: -that's the look she is currently giving Dave, but she quickly readjusts to look at Sunny-

MINDFANG: -Slowly looks up at him, do you see the look in her one eye? Do you see how she imagines destroying you.-

MINFANG: Can I help you.

HESONY: At the rate you're going, your arm is gonna go limper than a droopy bulge.

HESONY: =He held out his hand offering and open= Let me Help you?

LATULA: (pff h4h44h4h4h4h4h4)

DAVE: nice

MINDFANG: -Turns her death glare briefly on Latula.-

MINDFANG: Your use of descriptors m8kes it almost impossi8le to say no. -Shes being sarcastic.-

LATULA: >8P

HESONY: That makes it all easier then. =with one hand he took her arm and inspected it, running a finger over a nasty looking puncture.=

MINDFANG: -EXCUSE.-

MINDFANG: -Sorry hes getting punched in the face, you dont just grab someones arm. Here comes her fist.-

LALTULA: OH SN4P DOG

HESONY: =well he should have expected that tbh=

HESONY: =the blow staggers him and he straightened from it, wiping blue from the corner of his mouth with the back of his hand.=

HESONY: You do realize punching me only exacerbates the problem.

MINDFANG: -Yeah it kind of did, her metal hand struggles to open again, making several clicking noises as the fingers uncurl.- Yes I am aware.

MINDFANG: And it was still worth it. -She almost smiles when she sees the blood. Almost. Its satisfying.-

MICEXA: !!

MICEXA: -SLIDES IN BETWEEN THEM AGGRESSIVELY-

MINDFANG: -DO YOU WANT A PUNCH TOO? She will give them out for free.-

MINDFANG: -Eyes her as she cradles her arm.-

REDGLARE: Stop 1t.

REDGLARE: W3'v3 got mor3 f1ghts 4h34d of us.

REDGLARE: L3t h1m f1x 1t.

DAVE: we also got a lot of distance to travel

DAVE: before the fights

HESONY: =he sneered from around Miss= Just thought you ought to know you Have a malfunctioning piston and the shock absorbers are shot to Hell.

HESONY: However I don't entirely blame you. Most of your group is rather dull-witted.

DAVE: maybe were gonna spice it up

DAVE: bam traveling fights

DAVE: wheres my goddamn train

DAVE: gotta bounce on the cars

MINDFANG: I can travel fine with it in this condition, and o8viously it is still useful enough to fight. -Just not...ideal. She can make it work.-

MINDFANG: And what makes you so qualified to make the repairs anyway.

HESONY: ...

HESONY: You Have got to be kidding—

HESONY: =he pulled off his right glove and clenched and unclenched his metal hand.=

MINDFANG: -Watches him, unimpressed.- Having a 8ionic replacement does not qualify you to fix one.

MICEXA: -pinches the bridge of her nose... sunny why... why must you care so much and be so cute-

HESONY: Things work differently in the League.

HESONY: You learn or you die.

HESONY: =not cute. bamf. look at me=

MICEXA: -YEAH BUT U CUTE THO-

[ !!! SUDDENLY !!! A truck with enormous mud and slush caked treads pulls in outside, seeming to grind down the rough terrain with ease. There's some kind of machine gun rotating around the roof although its' not currently in use. There are several trolls hanging off of it. If the gang is inside, they can hear the roar of the motor signalling it's arrival. VRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOM. (do u like my sfx) ]

MINDFANG: Thats no new knowledge. Any wriggler worth its half formed 8rain cells should know that.

HEITOR: -snuffles while hanging off the edge of the truck. HE IS A BIG.-

AQUILA: -actually is one of the unlucky folk stuffed inside with the gigantic driver :[-

HESONY: That is more than enough to be qualified. What, do you require a certificate?

LATULA: -peeps outside to look at the truck-

LATULA: uh yo.

LATULA: w3 w41t1n on som3on3 h3r3?

MINDFANG: I might considering I have no personal investment in trusting your word-- -Turns to look at Latula.-

HEITOR: -GASMASK STARES FROM OUTSIDE. Heseems to be hauling some kind of gigantic backpack, along with several toolboxes worth of tools on his belt and pants.-

LATULA: uhh

LATuLA: y3s.

HESONY: FINE. Let it fall apart or become dead weight, but don't make this a liability to everyone else.

HESONY: =He finally glanced up as they exited the vehicle.= Apparently.

REDGLARE: -HOBBLING TO EXIT AND SHOVES THE DOOR OPEN HARSHLY, staring at the truck.-

REDGLARE: Who 1s your l34d3r.

MINDFANG: -Thats harsh redglare.-

HEITOR: -SNORTS behind his mask, adjusting a nozzle on his backpack.-

DAVE: now the partys here

ULFURA: -She ALSO hangs off the outside of the truck, trying to peek around Heitor to see the new guys and having a REALLY HARD TIME.- HEEEYYY???

REDGLARE: 1s th4t you?

HEITOR: -SNORTS again and leans back.-

ULFURA: NO!!! ARE YOU KIDDING???

ULFURA: -LEAPS from the truck to eyeball them -- yeah, she is smol. SHE SQUINT.-

DAVE: this looks like a fun one

MINDFANG: -Small and squinty? What a combination.-

URSAIS: -Has difficulty parking. Eventually gives up and just KICKS DOOR OF THE TRUCK OPEN with furry boot. Out comes the burr troll. She is enormous, WIDE AND LONG even compared to someone like Heitor. - o'hm serRRy bout the trRuck fuckin rRickety piece a shit. AY.

HEITOR: -GRUNTS and punches ursais in the arm.-

HEITOR: -DONT INSULT HIS HANDIWORK-

ULFURA: -frankly just dwarfed by every single one of these guys-

REDGLARE: ...

REDGLARE: -focuses on the BIG and sighs-

REDGLARE: So you 4r3.

URSAIS: -rubs her arm and GRUNTS AT HIM.- we'rRe 'erRe to pick up some fellow rRRRebels. owch. look all i'm sayin is knowin how big somuv us 'rRr you coula opted ferR somethin' a little biggerR.

URSAIS: NYWAYS.

URSAIS: who do i gotta talk to to get this shit rRollin. -LOOKS ARUND.-

MICEXA: ....

MICEXA: -looks between the UU members-

HEITOR: -SNORTS.-

LATULA: yo.

ULFURA: ...

ULFURA: WELL SOMEBODY SAY SOMETHING???

ULFURA: -points at Latula- YOU???

URSAIS: -gdi ulfura out of the mouths of babes...but yeah this is kind of awkward.-

LATULA: M3?????

URSAIS: look it was my underRRstandin that some peple needed ta get to minnesodey??? SO SPEAK TH' FUCK UP.

LATULA: OH SH1 T 1 M34N. uh. sh1t. 1 D1D s4y th4t.

LATULA: y3s w3—

REDGLARE: Y3s.

REDGLARE: M1nn3sot4. Soon 4s poss1bl3.

REDGLARE: W3'v3 got oth3r cr3w to m33t w1th.

REDGLARE: C4n you do 1t?

LATULA: >8T

HESONY: =he's not saying anything. he might get punched in the face again.=

DAVE: they better do it

URSAIS: -SHE IS KIND OF GIVING THE LEGISCERATORS THE STINK EYE.-

MICEXA: -shifts. EVEN MORE AWKWARD.-

MINDFANG: -You might get punched regardless, you are never safe.-

AQUILA: -floating- g'day ladies n gents! :D

HESONY: =squints right back at her=

LATULA: h4h4 soz l1k3. 1M l4tz pyrop3 but you 4ll tot3z h34rd of m3 b3for3.

ULFURA: COURSE WE CAN DO IT!!!

LATULA: (PL34S3.)

ULFURA: ... -looks up at Heitor- (WHO???)

URSAIS: -kinda cuts through everyone to get to Redglare- well 's wut the feck we'rRe e'rRe to find out but i ain't givin no garRentees. wuz a hell of a time even gettin erRe at all, but i think we'rRe yerRr best bet. cuz we gota n ace up ourR sleeves and it's sure as shit not this trRuck. we gonna trRy an trRavel by airR.

URSAIS: and once we get to minny sody we'rRe gonna help y'alll rRip our mutual enemies ta shrReds.

URSAIS: -grins-

REDGLARE: ...

REDGLARE: 4lr1ght.

REDGLARE: R3dgl4r3.

REDGLARE: R34dy wh3n you 4r3.

MINDFANG: Sounds enticing.

URSAIS: my name is capn urRsais arRcone and this here's mah crew. -GESTURES TO THEM. APPRECIATE THEM. SHE'S PROUD.-

URSAIS: -ESPECIALLY OF YOU, ULFURA.-

HEITOR: -HISSES OUT A NOISE THAT SOUNDS LIKE 'HI'-

HESONY: =blandly=

HESONY: Charmed.

URSAIS: i wasn't specially talkin to YEW.

URSAIS: -OWLTURNS-

MINDFANG: -Get told Hesony.-

ULFURA: -BOUNCES IN PLACE. YES, NOTICE HER.-

HESONY: And that is some kind of problem?

LATULA: -loudly SULKS-

MICEXA: -rests a hand on his arm- Sunny-- Don't.

LATULA: -man she can't even be famous as a criminal-

ULFURA: -she doesn't watch enough TV to know you... tbh she doesn't know most of you. BUT SHE LIKES THAT SMALL WEIRDO LOOKING ONE, THE RED GUY WITH THE FINS. She's pretty sure he's a guy who would angry squat.-

URSAIS: -VAGUE SWEEPING GESTURE.- arRight well you lot get all yerRR shit redy trRy to travel as light as possible tho.

REDGLARE: W3 lost most of our b3long1ngs.

REDGLARE: 1t's just us.

URSAIS: -grunts- we gon have to do sum walkin firRst and no offense but y'all look like yerR one foot in the grR...-stops..glances at all these people with amputated limbs- o sorRy...um

URSAIS: ...nyways. ye. bundle up n stuff and we'll go.

URSAIS: the trRuck is a little too conspicious so we'rRe just gon leave it. -glances at Heitor apologetically.-

REDGLARE: -wise...-

HEITOR: -GRUNTS-

LATULA: 41ght.

URSAIS: -DON'T GRUNT AT HER LIKE THAT, IT'S NOT HER FAULT.-

URSAIS: ey y'all elp anybody that can't make it on theirR own.

HEITOR: -he can and will carry u-

URSAIS: -SHE COULD CARRY LIKE...THREE OF YOU.-

HESONY: =so could he but no one want him to touch them=

URSAIS: -THEN DON'T BEAT EM UP SO MUCH NEXT TIME GOOD GOD.-

MINDFANG: -Yeah jeez.-

HESONY: =Then maybe warnings should be heeded next time, sheesh.=

URSIAS: -FUCKIN highbloods.-

URSAIS: -FUCKIN GOVERNMENT HIGHBLOODS.-

MINDFANG: -Gets the urge to punch Hesony again. But thats pretty normal.-

MINDFANG: Then lets get moving.

HEITOR: -LUMBERING FORWARD.-

LATULA: -she is not lumbering... but she ain't sprightly, either.-

LATULA: soz w3r3 you 4t th3 4tt4ck down th3 w4y wh3n w3 got p1ck3d up?

HESONY: =you castist pos. there's at least five highbloods in this UU group.=

ULFURA: -she will be sprightly for the BOTH OF YOU. bounces ahead of them-

MINDFANG: -Goodbye comfortable wall, shes walking.-

URSAIS: -YE BUT THEY'RE FAMOUS REBELS. IT'S DIFFERENT.-

HESONY: =NO IT'S NOT=

URSAIS: -PROBABLY HELPING DAELOS WALK. Anybody else? She's got a free arm.-

MITUNA: -Floats quietly-

[[ It's cold and snowy out still, and that and the darkness offers them a fair amount of general cover. It shouldn't be a terribly far walk to the lusus holding encampment, but they'll have to go through some woods on the way. ]]

REDGLARE: -no thank u she will FORCE HER WAY THROUGH THE PAIN-

REDLGARE: -GRAHH-

MICEXA: -redglare pls...-

MINDFANG: -Redglare please.-

URSAIS: -Just gives her a weird look??? Buti it's noen of her business.-

MINDFANG: -Keeping her eye on Redglare just in case she falls.-

MICEXA: -she hesitantly... offers Redglare an arm.-

MICEXA: -LET HER HELP YOU DAMMIT-

MINDFANG: -Redglare dont do, dont let them help you. She squint.-

DAVE: -with the gang- do we have to go through the woods again

REDGLARE: -WELL if mindfang is gonna refuse then shell take it-

REDGLARE: -ALWAYS DO THE OPPOSITE-

MINDFANG: -TRAITOR.-

MINDFANG: -Shes judging you so hard right now.-

MICEXA: -thank u... she wraps the arm around Redglare to help support her-

HESONY: =makes a frustrated noise somewhere in the back=

MICEXA: -between the two of us we have two whole legs-

MICEXA: -it's like we're almost a whole functioning person-

REDGLARE: -minus one eye-

TEREZI: =eyes are overrated=

URSAIS: -She's scarcely seen a sorrier looking group of people.-

LATULA: uh y34h 1m w1th h1m tbh.

LATULA: gonn4 h4v3 fuck1n for3st n1ghtm4r3z.

MITUNA: -Flaps his nub-

MINDFANG: Just do your 8est to ignore it. -At Latula and Dave, despite feeling pretty on edge about going into the woods too...-

DAVE: got it DAVE: great

LATULA: 1m just s4y1n fuck tr33z.

URSAIS: o yea i ferRgot ta answerR ya. we weren't so much in the fightin as mowin thrRough it.

AQUILA: and it turned out just beaut. :)

LATULA: r4d.

HEITOR: O (oo) O

HESONY: (Must be mowing through small fry. Of course you'd be able to beat fodder.)

HEITOR: -HEAVILY BREATHES OVER HESONY'S SHOULDER-

HEITOR: O (oo) O

MITUNA: 7alk 5hi7 ge7 hi7

MITUNA: (he5 a one man apocalyp5e)

HEITOR: -THANK U MITUNA-

HESONY: You don't know that. You only just met these people!

MITUNA: L00K 47 H1M -Gestures at him-

ULFURA: HE'S A ONE MAN CHEESEBURGER APOCALYPSE!!!

HAITOR: -reaches a meaty hand over and ruffles ulfura's hair.-

HAITOR: -SCAMP-

ULFURA: -punches Heitor in the buttcheek. She's buttcheek height right???-

ULFURA: -YEAH THAT'S WHAT YOU GET.-

HAITOR: -yes-

HESONY: =Just...DRAGS his hands down his face=

URSAIS: acutally thas a preddy accurRate scription..

MITUNA: you merely adop7ed 7he darkne55 he wa5 born in i7 molded by i7 by 7he 7ime he 5aw 7he ligh7 he wa5 a man

HAITOR: DOCTORATE... IN ENGINEERING...

URSAIS: -looks at this tiny psiionic. who hurt you to make u like this.-

HAITOR: -vents some steam from his backpack-

URSAIS: jesus trRoll chrRist.

MITUNA: -Sunny!-

URSAIS: we know u got koali-fee-cations. we GED IT.

HAITOR: -GRUNTS-

ULFURA: -grunts also, but HIGHER, and more sassy.-

HAITOR: -WOW-

MITUNA: -Floats around Roadh-- Haitor-

HESONY: =snaps at mindfang and gestures at...ALL of Haitor= Here's your fucking certification, must be your lucky day!

MITUNA: (he big mad)

MINDFANG: -Slow turns to Hesony and raises her fist ever so slightly.-

URSAIS: -also gives him a Look like boy she redy 2 fight.-

MINDFANG: Calm down already.

URSAIS: -elirah would get mad at her tho for gettin off task...-

MICEXA: Hesony--!

MINDFANG: We get it, it is o8vious you do not like them. But good news no one else here enjoys your presence either.

HAITOR: -he'll totally fight... but the mention of his koala fictions distracts him a second and he TURNS towards Mindfang.-

HAITOR: -slaps his own arm corresponding to mindfang's cybernetic limb and points to her-

HESONY: =He's smiling. All the stress of the past month has totally worn him down= You sure you wanna do that?

HESONY: Your arm will likely break before my face does. :D

MINDFANG: -BOY.-

MINDFANG: -Looks at Haitor, and others. You see him asking for it right?-

NYALAH: -turning in her grave being in proximity to the magnitude of this blueblood fuckboi. Jfc.-

HAITOR: -STARES-

URSAIS: -GROWLS- ey! quit yer shit 'fore i get angrRy this ain't no leuiserRly strRolll this is serRious.

HESONY: =Nyalah, you dont even get to, youre the reason Terezi died=

MITUNA: Y34H 817CH ehehehe

MINDFANG: -Better be calling Hesony a bitch.-

MITUNA: -He'll leave it to interpretation-

MINDFANG: -She huffs though and turns her gaze forward again.-

URSAIS: less play the quiet game, yeah? til we get therRe.

URSAIS: we'rRe nearRly to the encampment.

URSAIS: got some steep turrRain comin up firRst tho.

MITUNA: 573PP1N 0N 7H3 834CH

HESONY: =His face is just=

HESONY: =BLUE=

MINDFANG: How steep is steep?

DAVE: im guessing steep

HESONY: What? Can't Handle a little rock wall?

MINDFANG: I can. 8ut we have group mem8ers missing lim8s thanks to you.

REDGLARE: >;I

REDGLARE: -well she wasn't going to point it out but-

MICEXA: -INTERNALLY SCREAMING-

MINDFANG: And so traversing any extreme terrain might prove extremely difficult on them. 8ut yeah clearly they are fucking weak 8ecause they cant "Handle a rock wall." thank you for pointing that out.

HESONY: (I'd say it's pretty much even. Terezi's dead thanks to you.)

URSAIS: shut yerR damn mouth, i don't wanna hafta say it gain.

MITUNA: (no you)

HESONY: (No, you.)

MINDFANG: -Wigglers. Both of you.-

URSAIS: fuck me right up my furRy nook. -grumbling.-

HEITOR: -stares at ursais. maybe they can throw them-

URSAIS: -it's seeming more and more appealing...-

MITUNA: -Flips sunny off-

HESONY: =Tuna gets the double bird=

MITUNA: -Plarps him in the face with a psionic snowball-

HESONY: =SPUTTERING=

MITUNA: ehehehe

HESONY: =beans Mituna dead center with a manually made one.=

URSAIS: -SHE JUST....CANNOT BELIEV.E-

MITUNA: -DOOF!-

MITUNA: -That's it, he just shakes lose an entire tree branch of snow onto Sunny's head-

REDGLARE: -she's not even gonna try to stop this.-

HESONY: GAHHH!!!

HESONY: =Takes out his shield and uses it to scoop snow off the ground with it= HESONY: EAT POWERDY WHITE SHIT!

URSAIS: -that's it. she's grabbing Hesony by the arm and dragging him none to gently to the front of the line with her-

MINDFANG: -Jfc guys.-

MICEXA: HESONY!!!!!!!

MITUNA: -makes a lil psionic barrier. Unbothered.-

URSAIS: -barks in his face- WALK! AND DON'T DO NOTHIN ELSE!!!

HESONY: =Wrenches his arm from Ursais's grip. There is a brief staredown=

HESONY: Don't. Touch me. Again.

HESONY: =And with that he does start walking again. If they're good at anything it's following orders.=

MITUNA: -snrks-

URSIAS: -SNORTS, her nostrils flaring and just keeps up her pace.-

MITUNA: -Slides up next to the pig-

MITUNA: doe5 your arm 5hoo7 la5er5

HEITOR: -NO RESPONSE. snorts piggily-

MITUNA: dude you go77a 7ell me

HEITOR: -VENTS STEAM FROM HIS BACKPACK. holds up his arm. Wiggles his fingers. NADA-

MITUNA: awwww

MITUNA: do you 7hink i could ge7 one 7ha7 5hoo75 la5er5

DAELOS: -speaks up for the first time this entire time- I thought you could already do that

HEITOR: -SNORTS AGAIN.- HEITOR: -also, lowers his arm.-

HEITOR: -STARES AT DAELOS-

DAELOS: -THIS IS WHY HE ISN'T TALKING THESE PEOPLE MAKE HIM HECKING UNCOMFORTABLE. Also he's a depressed horse.-

MITUNA: yeah bu7 how 5wee7 would i7 be 7o 5hoo7 la5er5 from your hand5

MITUNA: back me up here 7ula

LATULA: SHOOT 1T FROM YOUR D1CK MOR3 L1K3

AQUILA: i knew a guy once who could do that i'm pretty sure. it was a real rip snorter of a pahty trick let me tell ya.

MITUNA: -Looks down at his crotch a tad too long-

LATULA: lm4o.

MITUNA: im gonna do i7

LATULA: DUD3 WH4T.

MITUNA: im gonna

#gladiateCarnifex #gnarlycradz #technologicgodot #abscissionGalliard #felicitousVicissitude #pinnacledSuasion #trojanabstruse

[malcolmteller-blog]

[HORROR] The Best Laid Plans of Machines

Alyssa and I loved each other deeply. No, not that way. We were only just friends. But we were close enough that we were basically brother and sister.

Where did we begin? Well, I’d known her for as long as I could remember. I vaguely remember being six and thinking that because we were so close, we were gonna get married one day. Typical kid logic, right. But as we grew, we become even closer, and as we went through elementary school, then middle school, then high school, and then university, it was always Alyssa and Jeff. Jeff and Alyssa. Always.

I remember coaching her on how to ask out her crush when we were thirteen, or the time we ended up running across a bunch of backyards in the middle of the night after our very first party got crashed by the cops at sixteen. Or how I was there for her when she gave up her baby for adoption when we were nineteen, because the father was a deadbeat who refused to acknowledge that it was his and she didn’t think she could raise a child alone. That was rough on her, real rough, but I helped see her through it. Something she said to me then stands out to me even now. “Jeff,” she said as we both sat on her bed, her wiping the tears away from her red and puffy eyes, “we really lucked out finding each other, didn’t we?”

We did. We really did.

But I try not to think about her, to be honest. I try not to because it hurts too much.

I have to go back to when everything started to unravel. It all started when we were just out of university. I was twenty-four, and so was Alyssa. I was working as an office drone in downtown Vancouver - basic data entry bullshit. She, on the other hand, was a budding journalist. She’d been published in various papers and magazines, but she hadn’t found sustainable, full-time work. Yet. She would eventually. I knew she would. She was just that good. It was inevitable that someone would notice her skill.

It was just that skill which got us into the whole mess to begin with.

It was one warm, sunny July day about seven years ago. I had just gotten out of work and was on my way to a dinner date with Alyssa. She really wanted to meet with me, there was something she was mega excited about.

As I walked there, I was wondering about stuff. Mainly my future, and the nature of my friendship with Alyssa. I mean, having graduated with a degree in History, and with barely any work experience at all, I didn’t have many career prospects. Hence my working as an office drone, and wondering where I’d be ten years down the road. But I did have one hope - but it was a long shot: writing. See, I loved writing fiction, and I did think I was pretty good at it. But I knew fully that it took a hell of a lot of luck, hard work and knowing the right people to make it in that industry. Still, I was willing to try.

And then there was Alyssa. I was starting to feel more warm toward her, but I didn’t know what that meant. Was I falling in love with her? Did I want to be in love with her, even if that shift was happening inside of me? She was my closest friend, and that relationship had served us well our entire lives. Would stepping forward into romance risk throwing all that away? Thinking about all this… yeah, total mess.

Anyways, I finally got to the diner. I stepped inside, peering around. I’d never been there before, but it was one of Alyssa’s favorites. It looked kind of run-down, but in a cozy kind of way. The wallpaper was peeling, there were scuff and scrape marks all over the floor, and a couple lightbulbs kept flickering, but somehow, this felt like the kind of place you could have a deep, intense conversation in.

Scanning the inside of the place with my eyes, I spotted Alyssa sitting at a table, intensely focused on an open file full of papers in front of her. Idly looking up, she spotted me and her eyes lit up in excitement as she waved me over.

As I settled into the diner booth across from her, I was curious about why she’d called me here. She sounded excited as hell when she talked to me on the phone as I was getting off work. I figured it had to do with something she was investigating. She always shared her big scoops with me whenever she found them, so I figured that had to be it. As it happened, I was right.

“Jeff!” she exclaimed, her voice bubbly and energetic. “You won’t believe the lead I’m on!” From the way her voice sounded, and the look of her eyes, I could tell this was serious business.

“Alright,” I asked slowly, “what is it?”

A wide grin appeared on her face. “First,” she said, holding up a finger, “you know all about the people going missing lately, yeah?”

I should explain. Back then, there was a rash of folks going missing. Some here, some there, from various parts of life. Not really enough to form a pattern - at least outside of the minds of dedicated folks like Alyssa - and not really enough to set off a citywide police operation, but enough. I’d mainly heard about it from Alyssa, oddly enough.

“Yes, Alyssa,” I said, cracking a smile, “I do remember you telling me all about it for the past month.”

Nodding excitedly, she continued. “Good. So, long story short, I have a lead on who could be behind it all.”

My eyes went wide. If she was actually onto something legitimate here, this could break the whole matter wide open. It’d be big. Not even making-her-career big, but big as in taking-down-a-serial-killer-the-police-didn’t-even-know-about big. Now I was interested.

“Alright, tell me more,” I said, leaning in.

Pushing her papers toward me, she started going through them. “Alright, so basically, people are going missing, right? Well, I’ve been tracking who’s gone missing and what their usual routines and travel patterns in the city are. That information, combined with the network of homeless informants I have-”

“Wait, you have a network of homeless informants?” I asked, cutting her off, my eyebrows raised in an expression of surprise.

She looked surprised. “Yeah, totally. You help them, they’re willing to help you. Works well for both of us.”

I shrugged, and motioned for her to continue.

“Anyways, yeah, network of homeless informants. They’ve been giving me information on when they’ve actually seen the people get grabbed.”

“Wait,” I cut in, “they actually witnessed the abductions? Alyssa, you and them have to go to the cops with this.”

Leaning in, she spoke urgently. “We did! Only the police wouldn’t believe a word we said. Look, just let me finish, okay?”

I nodded, and she continued. “It’s what they actually saw when they saw the people get grabbed. Now, let me tell you, I didn’t believe it at first. But… every person in my network who saw something - and these are people from across the city, who don’t even know the other people who witnessed stuff - says the same thing.”

She paused, took a deep breath, and finally dropped the bombshell she was holding back.

“They saw these people hanging around darkened spaces - like, alleyways, or building alcoves, stuff like that. Always at night. And then… then they saw these… little, machines. Mechanical creatures. ‘Machine elves’, one of my informants called them. Little, mechanical dwarf figures with these sharp, pointed ears.”

My eyes must have shown that this sounded crazy as hell, because she started to speak more quickly, trying to hold my attention. “They saw them basically swarm the people in question, render them unconscious somehow, and then drag them away.”

I leaned back, and tried to figure out how to break it to her. This wasn’t real. She was being bullshitted. Or maybe not, maybe the people telling her this actually did believe they saw that, but come on - it couldn’t be real. It couldn’t be.

“Alyssa,” I said carefully. “Look. This can’t be real, I mean-”

She cut me off. “Jeff, listen. This… I know. I know it sounds crazy. But it’s worth some digging, don’t you think?”

I was stuck. Slowly shrugging, and figuring it’d be a way to get her off this track, I went, “Yeah, but-”

“Great!” She shot out brightly, cutting me off again. “Then you’ll come with me to their hideout tonight.”

My eyes shot open wide. What the fuck? First off, she wanted me to come follow her on this wild goose chase? Secondly, she found their fucking hideout?

“This is… wow, this is…” I started to stutter out. She took my confusion as an opportunity, and said, “Great! It’s agreed then. Come on, I’ll lead the way.” And with that, she had taken her papers, put them into her messenger bag and was up and heading out the door.

I was left sitting there, really wanting to tell her, no, we weren’t going to go there together, this is crazy, and I’m going home. I wanted to do that. What actually happened was me muttering angrily under my breath as I got up and followed her out the door and then proceeded to follow her to wherever it was that she was leading me.

It took us an hour to get there. First we transited near the place, then we walked the rest of the way. She ended up leading me to an abandoned warehouse deep in the city. She led me to a back door, and I was just wishing I’d been strong enough to stand up for myself and go home. But I couldn’t. I felt loyal to her, like I had to see this through with her.

Trying the door, she found - to my surprise - that it was unlocked. She pushed it open and, flashlight pulled out and switched on, stepped inside, with me following her. What we saw there will haunt me forever.

It was… Christ, it was a horror show. Blood streaks all over the walls and floors. Not only that, but… dismembered body parts. Arms, legs, hands, feet, chunks of flesh and gore. Just littered all over the floor. The place stunk with the smell of blood and rotting flesh. I brought my hand up to my face, trying to stop myself from vomiting at the horror of it all. I glanced over at Alyssa, and her reaction was the same.

This was it. This was where I’m gonna make my stand, I thought to myself. “Alyssa,” I whispered urgently, “we should go. We should really, really go, and let the police handle this.”

Her response surprised me. “No, we need to go deeper, really get evidence that these machine elves exist.” Her tone was firm and resolute. Before I could argue, she headed off deeper into the warehouse. I… well, what do you think I did? I followed.

As we ventured deeper into the warehouse, I noticed that the air kept getting warmer and warmer as we went further in. There was also an odd glow, coming from deep in the warehouse. We also heard the sound of metallic movement and scraping, which got louder and louder the deeper in we got. Finally, we approached a slightly ajar door, which had a bright light shining behind it, the air thick with the heat radiating from the room ahead. My heart pounding and my blood pumping, and terror and tension rushing through me, Alyssa and I peered through the crack in the door. What we saw still makes my blood run cold.

It was a wide, open space, with the floor covered in fresh blood. The lights were on, casting a dull glow over all that was happening. Littered across the floor were fresh corpses, in various states of dismemberment. Limbs, and even organs, replaced with mechanical parts that crudely resembled what had been removed. That wasn’t what made my heart freeze, though. What made that happen were the mechanical beings operating on the bodies. They were made up of various plates and sheets of metal, sharp corners and edges all over their metallic bodies. They were the size of dwarves - think Santa’s elves - and their ears were sharp and pointed. How the hell could they be moving? How the hell could they be alive? They weren’t robots, because every now and then we got a glimpse of their insides through the gaps between the metal - there were none. No interior materials. They were literally just a bunch of metal stuck together, and yet… they were alive? This didn’t make any damned sense.

The blood covering the floor reeked to high heaven. I don’t know if I can properly convey the horror of all this. All these bodies, just laying there, cut wide open in pools of their own blood. The mechanical elves drilling crude metal arms into the shoulders of the corpses, where the arms had been amputated. Gently putting a crude metal fashioning of a heart into the chest cavity where a real heart had just been. All the bodies, these things just cutting and slicing arms off and cutting out hearts and stomachs and then putting in crude mechanical limbs and organs, it just… fucking Christ, it was insane.

I glanced over at Alyssa as we witnessed this. Her eyes were shot wide with terror and fascination, and her mouth had dropped open completely. As we watched, I noticed her finally fumble to get her phone out, to snap photos of these things. But… as she fumbled, the phone fell out of her hand. With us desperately grasping for it, it hit the ground with a loud clatter. Inside the room, the machine beings stopped everything they were doing and quickly swerved their heads in our direction. Alyssa and I froze. For a couple brief moments, the two of us and all of them were frozen, staring directly at each other. Then a bunch of the mechanical elves - I don’t know what else to call them - started to race toward us. Fight or flight kicked in, and Alyssa and I took off running.

We raced through the warehouse, desperately trying to make it outside. We could hear - practically feel - the elves behind us in hot pursuit. Every time I gave a quick glance behind us, they were closer. Just the noise they were making - clank clank clank - getting closer and closer, our fear shooting higher and higher the nearer they drew to us. Finally, before we knew it, we burst out into the cool, night air and took off running toward the closest skytrain station. We ran and ran and ran, and didn’t stop until we had been running outside for a good ten minutes.

Slowing to a stop outside a closed storefront and leaning against the window, panting hard in a desperate attempt to catch our breaths, we glanced at each other. Alyssa’s eyes were filled with terror. We both knew that she never expected this. I thought that maybe she never even expected her hunch to actually pan out. Maybe to her it was just a kind of game, like playing investigative reporter, only now it was all too horrifyingly real.

Long story short, we made it to a skytrain station and headed straight to the nearest open police station. We told everything to the interviewing officer. Of course, she didn’t believe a word she said, but we managed to prevail on her to send a couple officers to investigate.

We never expected what happened next. We were sitting in the office, trying to calm our nerves, which were still rattled, and then the officer who had interviewed us earlier burst in. She looked pissed.

“What the hell kind of game do you two think you’re playing?” she asked in an accusatory fashion, an angry edge to her voice. We just looked at her, then at ourselves, then at her, unsure of what to say. In our silence, she continued.

“We searched the entire building. Not a sign of anything out of order. No blood stains, no body parts, and sure as fuck no goddamned mechanical elves!” She yelled the last part. In the end, she ended up telling us that against her better judgment, she wasn’t going to charge us for wasting police time but that if she ever saw either of us again in cases where we weren’t reporting actual, real life crimes, we’d regret it. Then she kicked us out of the building.

Alyssa and I numbly parted ways and headed to our respective homes. Neither of us really knew what to think. What the hell was that back there? What the hell happened?

But, what else to do? I got home and went to bed, but not before calling Alyssa to make sure she made it home alright. We didn’t talk much on the phone - just checking in with each other. Sleep came fast that night.

I got up in the morning, went to work, and tried to forget what had happened. I mean, you may think that’s crazy - how could I just go back to living my life, seeing what I’d seen? But witnessing something like that… it does something to you. You don’t try to attack it head on, or even solve it, really. You just try to go back to life and forget it exists.

It wasn’t like that with Alyssa, though. She wouldn’t let herself forget it all.

On my way home from work, I got a call on my cell phone. It was her. I picked it up.

“Alyssa?” I asked.

“Hey, Jeff?” She asked back. Her voice was small, hesitant. I could tell she was still impacted by what had happened last night. After a moment of silence from both of us, she continued.

“Jeff, we have to get to the bottom of what happened.”

I blew up at this. I still don’t know why. I guess everything that had happened, all the stress and fear it built up in me, just burst forth. “No, no fucking way!” I yelled into the phone. Alyssa didn’t respond, so I continued. “You drag me out there, when I didn’t even wanna fucking go, and then we see all this horrible stuff. And we just barely get away, and now you want to go and kick the nest again? No, count me out. Count me the fuck out.”

She was silent for a long time. Then she spoke very quietly.

“Okay. Alright. I’ll figure it out myself. Goodbye, Jeff.” Then she hung up.

I didn’t hear from her for a long time after that. I didn’t see her, either. As it stood, I didn’t care. Something about what we saw there, what nearly happened to us, it… I’m just gonna be honest. It scared me. It scared the living shit out of me, and I wanted nothing more than to put it behind me, pretend it didn’t exist, and pray those things didn’t find me. If doing that cost me my friendship with Alyssa, so be it.

So, I went to work, and I finally decided to pursue my dream of writing. I started to send stories off to magazines and anthologies. About a month later, I’d received word that one had been accepted into a major genre fiction magazine. That was about a day before Alyssa re-established contact with me.

I was at home on my day off, watching a movie I’d gotten from the library late in the evening. I was really relaxed, calm, and happy. It hadn’t occurred to me at the time, but not only had I put what I witnessed behind me, I had put Alyssa behind me as well. So I encountered mix feelings, to put it mildly, when I noticed her name on my ringing smartphone.

Slowly - hesitantly - I answered the phone and put it to my ear. I heard Alyssa’s hesitant, careful voice speak from the other end.

“Jeff?”

“Hey, Alyssa,” I said politely, trying to keep things level. I didn’t know how to really conduct things, not after what had happened, and not after we’d been out of contact for so long.

“Jeff… look. I… I need to say something.”

“Okay,” I said simply, waiting for her to continue.

“I’m sorry for everything that happened. I shouldn’t have dragged you into it, and I know you were really in over your head - I mean, Jesus, so was I - and I’m sorry for that.” She paused. Then she continued. “But I need to see this through. I’ve tracked these mechanical things back to their hideout. I’m ending this, tonight. You can come with me if you want. I hope you do. But one way or another, this ends.”

I started to protest, but she cut me off. “I’ll text you the address. Bye.”

I sat there, stunned. So this was it, huh. As I thought on this, my phone dinged, and I glanced at it. There it was, the address of the building.

But something odd happened. I found myself actually debating on whether or not I should go. After how I was nearly murdered by those things, I was actually considering going up against them again. It was crazy, insane! But I couldn’t leave Alyssa to go up against them alone. I mean, for god’s sake, she was my friend. My best friend. I went back and forth on it for the next half hour, but in the end, there was no real choice.

I tried to get there on transit. Unfortunately, a medical emergency at one of the stations delayed the train for about forty minutes. It would turn out to be a fateful turn of events.

I made it there close to midnight. It was a different warehouse, on the other end of the city, but as I approached I could vaguely hear the mechanical movements inside. I ventured inside, the heat and raw stench of blood hitting me. As I ventured deeper into the warehouse, close to the door of the room where these things were based I noticed what Alyssa had brought - homemade explosives. Big ones, and lots of them, too. Enough to take down this entire building. But if the explosives were here… where was she?

My heart racing, I gently and carefully opened the door to the room where the mechanical elves were located and peeked inside. What I saw… it shattered me.

All the bodies being operated on, but not just that. I saw Alyssa - dead, laying on the floor, her stomach cut wide open as the mechanical elves carefully removed her heart, stomach and lungs. Setting her organs down on the floor, they gently put crude mechanical facsimiles of her organs where her actual organs had been. She was just… she was just fucking lying there, her eyes all glassy and lifeless. Everything she’d ever been, everything I knew her to be, fucking gone. Because of these little fucking bastards.

I was numb when I gently closed the door. I was numb when I walked over to the explosives and set the timer. I was numb as I took off running out of the warehouse and down the street, and I was numb when the warehouse went up in a massive ball of flame after I was two blocks away.

The police ended up investigating me for the warehouse explosion and Alyssa’s disappearance, but in the end they couldn’t dig up any clear evidence, so I was left alone. In the end, I moved to Toronto. I couldn’t stay in Vancouver. Too many memories.

I did end up pursuing my dream. As of now, I have two novels out, with a third on the way. One of ‘em’s won a number of awards. But even now, with my life so radically different and changed, I’ve never forgotten - and I will never forget - Alyssa. Most of all, I will never - ever - forget those… those mechanical things. Even now, I still dream of them.