#for the record I'm not christian I just heard someone talking about not treating the bible + christian mythos | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

nymph-bitch · 11 months

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Honestly, I just needed a notepad and decided to share my bullshit with the 3 people who will read it.

idk triggers for religion and racism and child abuse. It's not a fun post don't come to me for fun ever.

Text blogging on tumblr, I'm out of culture, it is what it is.

This is gonna sound... like the ramblings of someone suffering from psychosis. Maybe.

I don't think I'm suffering from psychosis. But I'm going to DIARY out to the internet. Because I'm basically doing it every day in comment sections with my real name, and that seems way more risky.

I'm also cutting out friends left and right and I need to. Get this down. Get this out. Think about it. Talk about it. Express myself.

It's a little stream of consciousness. It's a little unconnected. I want to think as hard as I want to think about a subject and no more.

This is all to say, you can judge me if you'd like, but keep your demeaning holier than thou opinions to yourself, I do not care about them

I did a tarot reading today, and that's where I really want to focus my attentions. This is something I'm TRYING to do regularly, kind of as a therapeutic technique. I'm not great at Tarot, it's a lot of looking things up for me and making interpretations I'm sure no one else would. But as something thats a little validating and helps me get unstuck for the day? I'm pretty good at it.

I do a 4 card pull;

the present situation: the star - hope, faith, purpose renewal spirituality

past influences: The hierophant - Spiritual wisdom, religious beliefs, conformity, tradition, institutions

take into consideration: The Empress- Femininity, beauty, nature, nurturing, abundance

possible futures: Temperance - balance, moderation, patience, purpose

This pull just feels like my fucking life honestly. It's funny that this is when I decided to start recording, and to share, because this pull begins at the beginning and ends in the place I want to be.

I was born into a fundamentalist Christian family. The kind of people who hate the gays and think black people come from the Biblical tribes of Ham, and therefore are cursed by God and deserving of their punishments. Women are to be obedient to their husbands and wear skirts, and if they hadn't insisted on having autonomy and entering the workforce, the economy never would have crashed. Muslims are literal nazis. Children are to be seen and not heard and that (and this was explicitly told to me, yes) the point of having children is to have people to help with chores, so that the mother doesn't have to work.

Hey, how old were you when you realized that your white grandma treated you like a slave while your cousins played outside?

Hey how old were you when you realized you were a live in nanny for your aunt and they gave someone else credit for teaching her kid to walk?

Hey how old were you when your aunt told you you deserved to be enslaved because your family was cursed?

Hey how old were you when your mother yelled at you for calling your family members racist?

Hey how old were you when your cousin texted you threatening to beat you up because you hugged his mother and told you you loved her before leaving when she wouldn't shut the fuck up about how that murdered black kid deserved it?

So mixed kid rant there.

ANYWAY today, in the present situation, I'm becoming something new. I'm renewing. I'm figuring out who I am outside of the bigoted religious traditions of my mothers, and exactly how MUCH of who I am is a side effect of the beliefs they passed on.

I like that it asks me to question the Empress. She's a bunch of traditional gender roles, right? Traditional Christian conformity tradition white patriarchy bullshit, or at least she could be. It's interesting that it's SPECIFICALLY this beacon of femininity, because that was heavily plowed into me and I never gave a shit. I outright rejected feminity, because it was CLEARLY the inferior position in the world, and the things that WOMEN did were very obviously undesirable.

I started doing my makeup recently, but I use it to paint my face instead of to look pretty. And now I like it.

There's all this femininity and blackness that I completely turned my back on, because my shitty family wanted to me to suppress them. And I submitted.

But I like taking care of people. I like being pretty. I like being black, even if other black people hate me as much as everyone else. And I like the things about me that my family stifled because they associated it with blackness.

It feels good. It feels like I'm embracing these things I've always been ashamed of. It feels like I'm completely alone in the universe, but it always felt like that. Having people around doesn't make you not alone.

It's also interesting because I'm autistic. I am not good at traditional female roles like caretaking or empathy. That's not to say I don't care, I do, deeply, but my expressions of care often go... misinterpreted. or unwanted. Who's to say. It also really doesn't encourage people in black communities, who really don't seem to understand how I am both so smart and so stupid, to get to know me.

It's also funny to pull temperance, which is just a deeply religious sentiment in my mind. And a deeply feminine one.

Temperance is the movement we had, pushed by Christian women, to ban alcohol. The Temperance movement. As a future, it's kind of ironic. It seems like the meaning is about more of a balance. Being spiritual in nature is so fitting.

In the past, I was traumatized by religion. The people meant to teach me spirituality and how to grow and develop did everything they could to stunt me and deter me from becoming who I am.

I'm a lonely asshole right now, because I'm willing to make mistakes for the first time and discover who I am and what I'm about. I'm yelling at people who I used to not know I hated. I'm realizing just exactly how low of a bar I have for what I consider love, and how little (and somehow at the same time MUCH) I expect from people. I need to consider femininity and what of it applies to me and what parts of it I CAN and WANT TO bring with me into the future and these friendships. How much I want to nurture them to my own detriment. How much I want to manage peoples emotions and keep the peace and to exactly what extent it is worth it to me to sit still and look pretty. Stop trying to be this perfect kind calm patient graceful size 6 icon with The Good Hair.

I need to find the balance. The balance between an African Queen and an English Lunatic.

I kinda like that.

And the Star, let's talk about the star, a naked grounded woman with lots of know how. She's vulnerable, but she has everything she needs inside of her.

Like yeah hello hi I've been cultivating my spirituality thank you for noticing.

Let's figure out what we need from the hierophants and move forward to find some balance. But we gotta move forward.

Like I get so triggered so hard by racism for the same reason I'm sure a lot of gay people get triggered by homophobia. And that's not something I think a lot of people can say.

I left my family because of racism. I had a panic attack because of racism last time I went to visit my mother. I drove 6 hours to see her. Stayed the night. And then had to leave the next MORNING.

There were people wearing trump hats in her home who wouldn't stop talking to me, and when I asked them to leave me alone, they threw a temper tantrum.

So I had an autistic melt down.

My mother said she must have never made me feel like I belonged. I said yeah she didnt. She said I just want to make sure you're ok

Later that night she sent me tons of video messages screaming at me for calling her Jo Bro boyfriend racist and telling me that I don't love her and I never even wanted to be a part of this family.

And I was like you know what

you're fucking right

thanks for pointing that out

because you assholes have abused and terrified me into stifling my own emotions until I'm having meltdowns constantly and the only way I know how to cope is by finding a new shitty white supremacist man to save me, because thats what I was taught.

Obviously I said none of that, but she was fucking right. They didn't want me if I wasn't like them, and I don't like them.

I am culturally completely unaligned with who I am, not only because of a color issue, but because I grew up in a weird racist family that believes insane and mean stuff that I hate.

It takes a lot of time to unlearn insane and mean stuff that you hate.

I saw a video on tiktok by Vanna.moo yesterday and I think the last time I melted down so hard was the last time I saw my mom that wasn't her showing up uninvited to my home after I blocked her number and never told her my new address

Am I unhinged? Yes, I think so. I think the way I think is so different that people will think I'm crazy, and that's cool. I'd rather be crazy than go back.

#rant #introductory post #apostate #religious deconstruction #biracial #mixedproblems #YOU get me therapy

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sophieinwonderland · 2 years

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Please, for the love of all that is good, stop spreading misinformation. Endos are not a real thing. You are actively hurting so many people, singlets and systems alike.

You're making desperate people believe they've found a cause to their issues that have nothing to do with DID or OSDD. You're spreading misinformation about a disorder, misinformation that is harming real systems, even after MANY systems and professionals have said no that's not a real thing.

And for the record, harming people in such an extreme way (because believing you may be a system is hard, I know. Hell I might've thought I was an endo system if I believed in that shit), but if you're "endo" you've either forgotten your trauma or you're not a system.

What professionals? In all my time asking for counter-evidence, I've never actually seen even so much as a quote from a single psychologist claiming that it's impossible to experience multiplicity without OSDD or DID. Meanwhile, I have seen multiple psychologists saying the opposite.

A couple days ago, someone asked for research into endogenic systems. I'm just going to paste my response here:

It’s worth noting that endogenic is a community term, and studies into the phenomenon aren’t going to be using that terminology. What this means is that there are a whole lot of studies out there into related things that use completely different terminology.

Many people experiencing psychosis, for instance, speak to complex internal voices that seem to have their own identities and autobiographical memories.

A psychotherapy approach to treating hostile voices

This article, written by DID specialists, presents hostile voices in people without DID or OSDD as dissociated parts of a system. While it focuses on these particular voices as resulting from trauma, this isn’t universally true of all voice hearers.

The Representation of Agents in Auditory Verbal Hallucinations

This article deals with agents in auditory hallucinations. It also establishes that many hallucinations described as auditory are not actually heard through the ears, but are functionally more akin to the mind voices heard between headmates.

Rethinking Social Cognition in Light of Psychosis: Reciprocal Implications for Cognition and Psychopathology

This is a follow-up on the previous paper, and deals with links between illusory social agents and theory of mind. It deals with theories that we naturally build internal models based on external people, and that individuals with psychosis often experience long-lived illusory social agents.

It also makes the following point:

"One area of interest that has recently arisen is the extent to which internal representations of the self may be related to representations of others with the suggestion that they may be different uses of the same core representation system (Friston & Frith, 2015; an overlap also reflected in the neuroimaging literature discussed previously). Indeed, one of the least understood aspects of psychosis are delusions of identity change, and we might speculate as to whether these are, paradoxically, social in nature, due to the representation of the self relying on some of the same social agent representation mechanisms that are used to represent other agents."

So internally, the mind represents the self through the same mechanism as it represents others.

While this is dealing with psychosis, you should already be seeing the links to plurality. Specifically, introjection of fictives and factives.

The Absorption Hypothesis: Learning to Hear God in Evangelical Christianity

This is paywalled, but accessible though Sci-Hub. It deals with a method used by Vineyard evangelicals to talk to God. The evangelicals use a practice of discernment where they identify certain thoughts in their heads as belonging to “God” and attributing those thoughts to him. Eventually, they can have snappy conversations with God as if he’s an actual person they treat as a friend or argue with.

This also establishes that the process is heavily linked to absorption, which in tern is often considered a non-pathological form of dissociation. In fact, a third of the DES is based on absorption.

Varieties of Tulpa Experiences: The Hypnotic Nature of Human Sociality, Personhood, and Interphenomenality

This is a study of the tulpa community, which uses similar methods of headmate creation to the Vineyard church, but with a more psychological view rather than the spiritual and religious view of the Vineyard Evangelicals. This community also demonstrated high levels of absorption.

Investigating Valence and Autonomy in Children’s Relationships with Imaginary Companions

This is another paywalled study, but again, is accessible through sci-hub. This study explores the autonomy of the imaginary friends of children, demonstrating that these imagined companions have traits consistent with those of actual people and often even take up dominant roles to those of the children, and children report not being able to control these companions.

‘I’ve learned I need to treat my characters like people’: Varieties of agency and interaction in Writers’ experiences of their Characters’ Voices

This is a study of the experiences of writers experiencing their characters as people with their own agency.

Multiplicity: An Explorative Interview Study on Personal Experiences of People with Multiple Selves

Finally, we have an interview study with various types of plurals.

One important study I missed, because I hadn't read it yet at the time, was Normal Dimensions of Multiple Personality without Amnesia.

Again, paywalled, but Sci-Hub compatible. This study shows that experiences of multiple self-identity and multiple self-control were positively correlated with the absorption factor of the DES, and suggests that these are normal and healthy dimensions of multiplicity.

I have more on my studies and research page, and I'm pretty sure that barely scratches the surface.

My experiences aren't misinformation. And the overwhelming science that supports the existence of endogenic systems definitely isn't misinformation.

If you want to see what misinformation looks like, look to the people making claims about what the "science" allegedly says without being willing to source any of that science.

#ask box #syscourse #psychology #science #psychiatry #endogenic #plural #plurality #plural system #actually plural #endogenic system #actually endogenic #discourse #system #systems #multiplicity #system stuff #actually a system #pluralgang

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