#fortunately i am past that

[feartheoldblog]

do you ever see things on the dash that remind you of really random memories from your past

i saw the word ‘baguette’ and remember the phase i went through where i was addicted to PLAIN baguettes and would have one for lunch every day without fail for at least a entire year

#this is the most mundane life incident reveal sorry #this is why they make fun of uk ppl for eating dry boring food #it’s deserved #i kinda want one now #except with butter or something LMAOO #the way i would just bite it #no slicing in half or anything #id just eat the whole thing #fortunately i am past that

[iamhereinthebg]

I LOVE THEM SM THE CLOCK KEEPERS FAM AAAAH

Mirai is so cute here I am ascending

Anyways, I will be honest I have some mixt feeling rn :00

About the clock keepers themselves?? I don't have that much fear tbh, they are supernaturals in their boundary, and contrary to number 3 they don't have hearts that Tsukasa or anyone else can consume. I think they will be fine (or I am being delusionnal to protect myself, you choose rip) I love them very much they will always live in my heart.

I was REALLY not happy with chapter 109, having to be focused on little crumbs was really hard when I have been waiting for their focus for more than 4 years. Having the joke that is chapter 109 absolutely destroyed me, they are my fav mysteries and I want something good for them, unfortunately I am not sure they will get it.

Chapter 110 gave me some hope because yes what is happening is not normal, and I am glad it was adressed. For me it was obvious af it' wasn't, but I really needed confirmation from the author to be sure.

I have always said that the clock keepers were unique and Teru confirms it in this chapter with the official translation:

'The clock keepers are clearly unique even among the school mysteries, and go beyond the average supernaturals'

They are n°1, the only mystery with three beings in it and with a human, one of the last two mysteries left with the other one being the main focus on the manga. Of course something is strange with how they are treated right now. What is happening?

None of them used their time powers expect for Mirai once as the judgment. The stuff they are saying to punish Tsukasa seems more like jokes and they aren't treating the trial as they should be (but this may be just because chapter 109 is bad af lol). Mirai can litteraly see the future if she wants to.

The owls, their shikigami/familiars don't move at all when their masters are attacked, they are in their own boundary, their shrine. Maybe their powers are related to the clock Natsuhiko destroyed (and I would be sad af if this is the reason and nothing can be done) we just don't know what is happening. Do they have a plan? Are they playing a part (which would be funny because some stuff about the clock keepers are related to theaters and plays) Did someone forced them to do something? We don't know anything about the clock keeper, them being in the same spot as n°6 before we got to his story.

We just know they are special among the mysteries, they are the oldest ones, Kako and Mirai are made of gears and a human has a seat in it.

I am pretty sure Teru had this conversation with Akane here because he knows the clock keepers are special.

The two mysteries being the more visible here being the god of death and the clock keepers.

It's also the only mystery Hanako didn't want to destroy right away because they could be useful. All mysteries had their yorishiro destroyed/were planned to be destroyed once they got students in danger. (expect for Tsuchigomori who just, accepted it as a precaution rip) The clock keepers are the only ones who got a free pass on this even after getting the whole school involved.

Their powers are just above a lot of the others, and everyone know how useful it can be, so once again why aren't they using it?

Not caring about their yorishiro is also super strange. Especially when the one the most against Hanako's plan to destroy the yorishiros in the manga is Kako.

A mystery has to choose a yorishiro to be a proxy of the gods, to be able to have this status.

They have to choose a yorishiro so they don't run away from the job, it's the thing the most important to them so they would never destroy it. They have to protect it. Teru assuming they don't care is just so so strange. Why wouldn't they? That's the whole point of what a yorishiro is! They even hide it in one of them as an extra precaution! A lot of things go against what has been established before for yorishiros it's just plain out suspicious.

Kako and Akane are also really really duty centered characters. Akane will do a job even if he doesn't want to if he is asked to do it and Kako is the one being represented as the observator over the mysteries to see if they are respecting their sworn duty.

I also don't know what to think about their yorishiro for now. What does it open? A door to another room? Is it to protect something? Is it to activate another automaton? Can it be related somehow to the old clock keeper of the present? (delulu land again)

Idk I am really curious. I really hope we won't have the answer right away though, they were defeeated way too quickly and I hope they have more stuff to them. We got Hakubo's and Sumire's story and a part of the Yugi twins beforec their yorishiro got destroyed, so I hope it will be the same for them. That we will have time to get to know them a little bit more.

And after all, neither Nene or Hanako want to destroy any more yorishiro for now, and Tsukasa apparently lost it at the end of the chapter (we can see the hand who had it being empty. But AidaIro has sometimes a problem of coherence with their right and left and objects disappearing and appearing which I can understand with the rythm they have to keep with the manga, so I am not sure)

I have a lot of fears about this tbh, because maybe AidaIro will just give us the reason why they are weak rn and continue the story without explaining anything about them, not giving them the spotlight I think they truly deserve. The worst for me would be they work for Sakura, I really really hope it's not this, but I am really scared :///

So I will go for this for now, even if this is really depressing for me, but I don't want to have my hopes up with how the writing have been really ups and downs since the start of this arc (the only good chapter for me being chapter 108).

I am still really intrigued by what is Akane's real duty and why is he so reluctant to do it but still does it? Why Akane said they had to do the trials now? Honestly I have a lot of questions and I know no matter what happens, the clock keepers make me super sad (in a good way) and happy at the same time. And this last chapter with Mirai and Akane was a blast (I am actually writing a whole document on them rn it's long I will link it later ahah)

I also wonder if any of the clock keepers can use the others' clocks or not? Does this mean like Kako can go full OP while using all three powers at the same time? (let's go grandpa give us everything) I am curious since they are a mystery where having an object is important for their powers (Kako and Mirai being able to use their with bare hands because they have their clocks on them, I can be wrong about it though)

We are also left with only Akane as n°1 rn and idk what it will mean for him.

So yes full of fears, but also I know I will find crumbs to go delulu on :DD I would try to stay full positive but with the focus being on Tsukasa and on how secondary characters rn are mostly as 'objects for the plot' (I mean, look at Nene :')) I can't really ://

But be sure, I will forever love the clock keepers even if the plots are not respecting them

#toilet bound hanako kun #I really need to talk about the copy pasted dying Mirai because this is SENDING me #why are you doing this to my girl AidaIro #I am sorry I lost the ask I am an idiot :')) #fortunately I had it like this dsjds #the three clock keepers #are once again rotating in my head non stop #mirai #aoi akane #kako #jshk #jibaku shonen hanako kun spoilers #tbhk #ramblings #idk if I have ever showed it much but I am batshit insane in general about Time and pray for Mari because she has to witness it every month #this is also one of the reason I love them #tbhk analysis #the way I made them in one of my au in 2020 was actually A LOT like what we have now and I am dying

[enden-k]

ageless and blank blogs following me on my other acc is free blocking btw, how are you here on tumblr and your blog is still as blank as my brain

also since some people apparently forgot or simply ignore it or idk what, but i dont draw !!! zhongchi !!! anymore !!! dont come with it or childe to my inbox honestly, im tired

if you catch me making a joke like the one a few days ago, its simply a joke and not an invitation for zc discussions. pls go see other artists or writers for zc stuff idk, theres a lot of amazing ones out there. im not one of them

#connecting it with past friends esp chi////lde so i really am over it and need time tho tbh i rlly dont feel #anything for them anymore and doubt it will come back #zl is fortunately still ok to me so at least one character is not entirely ruined for me anymore #personal #tbd

[freakurodani]

*gets promoted to a position where i no longer have to wear a uniform*

*my coworkers suddenly start asking if im a they*

#you know for the longest time i wondered if i dressed like a queer person #it feels good that the answer is yes #*note i am fortunate enough to live in a place where there are still laws to protect me #**double note ive had issues with past employment and being out so i did not officially come out at this job but if ppl ask i dont lie #conspiracy lvl: text

[thebirdandhersong]

I remember talking to a friend last week and saying that if I'm reading obsessively it either means I'm extremely happy or extremely in need of help. alas goodreads my good pal you have GOT to be kidding me

#i have hit 60 books this year. we are three days into april. i have not been at the pinnacle of happiness this year so it is not that lol #ah well we hit rock bottom we bounce back up! i am trying to claw my way to the surface again! #granted this has been a series of not great distracting tactics to get my mind off the Horrors (i.e. through the mass consumption of #stories in book and film form) but at least i'm recognising and acknowledging it now #i need to actually deal with the Horrors so that there's a chance they'll actually go away! #but i am glad that i HAVE been surrounded by good stories. it has helped. it has been a method of conflict avoidance #in all areas of my life but it HAS helped to have those stories of hope hammered into my head and heart #anyway it looks like i HAVE lost a friend or am very close to losing one because it has been 1.5 weeks and there has been zero response #and there's a ton of Decisions i have to sort through this week #along with other mental health assessments my GP wants me to do #but God is good and He has been very patient with all the bouts of despair and loneliness and frustration etc etc #i just need to keep holding on and keep clawing my way upwards #despite all my failures as a friend and student and probably as a daughter as well this year there has been a lot of grace #and i am trying not to dwell on the past #slings and arrows of outrageous fortune in year 21

[fionnaskyborn]

THE IPOD IS WORKING

I REPEAT

THE IPOD

IS WORKING

#OKAY CONTEXT A FEW MONTHS AGO I BOUGHT AN IPOD CLASSIC‚ THE A1238 MODEL FROM 2007 TO BE EXACT #ON THE FLEA MARKET FOR THREE EUROS #THIS BAD BABY IS CAPABLE OF STORING EIGHTY GIGS OF MUSIC ON IT #TROUBLE IS‚ I WAS IN TOO MUCH SHIT TO GO LOOKING FOR A CABLE I COULD ATTEMPT TO CHARGE IT WITH #(the people at the flea market in my hometown are usually very honest about whether or not a piece of tech is working but i'll always have #my doubts until i see for myself) #TODAY I FINALLY MANAGED TO BRING MYSELF TO GO TO MY FAVORITE TECH STORE AND AFTER SOME DIGGING THEY ACTUALLY FOUND A 30-PIN CABLE #(it took them a while because the younger of the two dudes who were in the shift didn't exactly know what he was looking for. he brought a #package to the older guy and he said ''that's a samsung cable.'' in his defense‚ that cable and the actual 30-pin are incredibly similar in #shape so i don't blame him lmao‚ it was an honest mistake) #and i plugged that bad boy in tonight and NOT ONLY IS IT GIVING SIGNS OF LIFE (CHARGING)‚ IT SENT ME RIGHT TO THE MENU SCREEN AS SOON AS IT #GOT TO A CERTAIN PERCENTAGE!!!!! HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #NOW I FINALLY HAVE THE MOTIVATION TO GO THROUGH MY ENTIRE YOUTUBE DOC AND EXTRACT EVERY SINGLE SONG I'VE LISTENED TO IN THE PAST THREE YEAR #(that's as far as they date the watch history logs‚ sadly - they start deleting them after some point so everything before late 2020 is los #to time‚ but fortunately enough there is PLENTY left!) #CAN I GET A HELLLLLL YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH BABYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY #logs #I AM IMMEASURABLY HAPPY ABOUT THIS AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[philsmeatylegss]

Decided to do the Abu Ghraib prison as a project for one of my history classes. Not too big of a project; I have to do three a semester and they have to be detailed, but not like a final. Knew of Abu Ghraib, knew it was bad and a war crime and all that. I’ve skimmed only a few articles and yall,,,, I have never felt more like an ignorant dumb American than I have right now. Dark shit doesn’t affect me. I’m really interested in it. This is really one of the first times I’ve researched something and I’ve had to look away. I love history so much and I am so happy I am studying it and choosing to go into the field for a job, but sometimes you stumble upon something and you realize why ignorance is bliss.

#I think it’s easier for me to stomach things that happened 50+ years ago #I did my whole mini thesis on the battle of Stalingrad going into the horrific details with complete ease absolutely fine with all of it #but that’s because it was 1942 #seeing that this shit happened in the 2000s #I was born in 2003 and see that’s when this started #it just hits you that evil wasn’t just a thing in the past #and it’s just another slap in the face of how insanely fortunate I am that this is new to me #I’m a WWII Cold War gal I’ve been meaning to dip my toes into Iraq invasion but I wasn’t in a rush because I didn’t realize #and it’s the pictures and people are smiling and it’s just #it’s frustrating that the thing I can do to help these victims the most is just talk about what they went through #I just #rae’s rambles

[oculusxcaro]

One of the things that hurts Khare the most isn't so much the eyes and teeth growing in her flesh but rather her memory issues, how easily she forgets things and struggles with the most basic tasks. Her IQ wasn't impressive before getting experimented on but she lived independently and picked up a range of skills from doing so along with working many odd jobs back in Hull. It's immensely frustrating - and upsetting - to her when it takes so long to learn what should be a simple thing.

#🌈 || musings #🌈 || headcanons #Okay the eyes and teeth are a little upsetting but you get used to them after a while #Covering them up and scraping them off every couple of days is managable #It's the impact the injections had on her brain that's most upsetting #Trying to remember the right way to spell certain words and phrases #Struggling to repeat a task when she nailed it before #Now she struggles doing even the simplest things and it takes so much effort #Fortunately Pauli and everybody else at the diner are patient and she's able to function well enough but #It's still upsetting like she could DO all this so easily before and now she can barely remember what her own mother looks and sounds like #Would she even recognize her if she walked past on the same street? #How long until she forgets another important thing? #As her body mutates she gets harder and harder to kill but that IQ is dropping as a result #She KNOWS she's not dumb but can't help it #Rorschach helping her retain her memory and correct spelling by playing Scrabble tho <3 #OKAY just one more doubleshift tonight then I'm FREEEEEEEEEEE #Hours should be bback to normal next week but I'm not holding my breath #Ah well I'll be happy for a day off tomorrow regardless #Sorry sorry to have been so quiet and lacking activity I am just tired :(

[camgoloud]

22-25 for the end of the year reading asks!

(In response to this ask game which I reblogged Several days ago lmao)

22. What's the longest book you read?

By page count it's pretty close to tied between Iron Gold (Pierce Brown) and The Will of the Many (James Islington)! Iron Gold is the fourth book in a sci-fi series that I read a while ago—since this summer I’ve been slowly rereading/listening to the audiobook versions of the first five books because I learned that the sixth one was being released in July after a several year wait and couldn’t remember enough about the plot to jump straight into it. Working my way through the fifth one right now which is even longer (34 hour audiobook!)... hopefully I'll finish it before the end of the year so I can finally start the new one. Meanwhile The Will of the Many is the recently-published first in a planned trilogy and it's all about Gary Stu's adventures in the fantasy Roman Empire with a magic system that's a somewhat-clunky, hilariously unsubtle satire of trickle-down economics. I had fun with it :)

23. What’s the fastest time it took you to read a book?

I think the full-length novel that I went through the fastest is probably Catherynne Valente’s Space Opera, which I read in a sub-24 hour period (picked it up at the library on a Friday afternoon and was done before Saturday evening). My feelings on that one are somewhat mixed—it’s a quick read (lmao) and a fun concept (2/3 ex-members of a washed-up English glam rock band get forcibly conscripted to represent Earth in its first inter-galactic Eurovision analogue after first contact with aliens; if they lose humanity is deemed unworthy of entering the cultural conversation and the planet gets destroyed) and months later I am still compelled by the relationships between the main two characters/their narrative-haunting dead best friend, and there are a few specific sentences I could quote word for word because I liked the prose so much—but also the prose is just So Fucking Much. My god. Valente read the Goodreads quote page for Hitchhiker’s Guide and said “I’m going to write a book where Every Single Sentence reads exactly like all of these” and by god she fucking did it! Kind of grated on me after a couple of chapters tbh and also I can’t decide whether I think the ending was strong or not... I'd recommend it though if you're a fan of Hitchhiker's and/or Eurovision and/or rock band drama!

24. Did you DNF anything? Why?

I think the only things I got properly invested in (as in, read more than the first few pages) before setting aside for an extended period of time and don’t plan on finishing before the year ends are House of Leaves and The Crying of Lot 49 - and both of them especially House of Leaves are books that I actually would like to finish, but realized partway through that I absolutely did not have the bandwidth at that point of time to give them the time/attention they required. But one of these years I will actually sit down and read a Pynchon novel from cover to cover I swear… and I should be able to get to House of Leaves in 2024!

25. What reading goals do you have for next year?

I want to read more short stories! I got pretty into the speculative fiction short story scene this year—bits and pieces of various anthologies, finally subscribed to some magazines like Clarkesworld, etc.—and I’ve been having a really good time with it, so next year I’d like to keep that energy up. I’m also hoping to finish House of Leaves as previously mentioned!

#thanks for asking! sorry it took a while to get around to answering… so many things have been happening in my life the past few days #but fortunately the horrors are now at an end so i am back in full force! #also i know it’s been a minute since i reblogged the game in the first place but if anyone else happens to want to send an ask feel free :) #ask game

[creelby]

Eait you used to b a bully too? (I was as well for s brief couple months and I still feel guilty Abt it)(it's kinda a long story so I don't wanna bore u w it)

yeahhh that’s kind of a long story i used to be an awful person

#🦇📬 #mutuals <3 #gremlin #i am comfortable sharing if anyone ever wanted to hear but it is a very long story #but yknow the past is in the past i grew and changed as a person and fortunately the people i used to bully recognise that

[victorluvsalice]

AU Thursday: Checking In On "Londerland Bloodlines: Downtown Queensland"

I know it's been a while since I talked about "Londerland Bloodlines" on here (last mentioned in a Song Saturday post reblog back in March!), but rest assured I HAVE been working on the next installment -- and, in fact, just today I started Chapter 6, aka what should be the final chapter of the story! :D Alice has made it through all the other bullshit of the Downtown section, including the plaguebearers, the Russia Mafia, and the absolute HELL that was Grout's mansion, and now she is preparing to go get that sarcophagus! With a little help from Victor, offering up both a map of the museum and a little snack for her to start the night. :) Though first, there's a certain flesh-eating vampire hiding in an abandoned hospital that she has to take care of... But yes, with the start of this chapter, we are in the home stretch! I'm looking forward to having this first rough draft done -- hopefully that means that 2024 shall be the year of posting this sucker!

#londerland bloodlines #fanfic #progress report #yes I have been working on this thing still #I know it's been quiet on the LB front for a while #but it's still one of my main projects :) #not gonna leave everyone dangling with just the Santa Monica section! #I am very pleased to be up to the Museum Night #and particularly past Grout's mansion #poor Alice #she hated that place with a passion #and that was BEFORE Bach set it on fire and forced her to relive trying to escape her burning house #she ended that section curled up on the front lawn and crying while the house burned behind her :( #fortunately the end of the CHAPTER was Victor making her a blanket nest #and being genuinely concerned for her well being #something Alice REALLY NEEDED #and the opening of this chapter is more of Victor being helpful for her #if in a funnier way because Alice is like 'I wasn't SERIOUSLY asking you to scope the museum last night' XD #but yes good times the Valice is getting underway :) #queued

[nerice]

it is 1am and i am crying from a jacob geller video essay

#elia txts #i cannot WAIT to be able to do things again #yes the perfectionism was rly hard on me when i used to draw. but being physically unable to draw has humbled me to such a degree #there's so much noise in my head and it will be a while longer before i can cut thru it #and i am still not convinced ill get full wrist function back ever again. but everything is better than this #i want nothing more than the experience of waking up everyday and doing what i love and improving at it #for no other reason than i want to do it #i am so fortunate to be in a position where i can dedicate the next 4 months of my life to unfucking my health #to get healthy and undo the damage of the past 2-4 years physical and otherwise. if i may be so lucky #the rest of my life starts soon. nd i hope it's only up from here come what may however hard it is ;-;

[fantasiavii]

I honestly highly recommend the Sandman Dreamcast, it is very soothing and wonderful to fall asleep to, but also I have never heard a single thing Desire says because I am always already asleep 😭

#sandman #last night i got through Neil Gaiman’s intro started losing the plot while listening to Morpheus and didn’t even make it to the library 😭 #i heard like 2 seconds of Abel talking though and then I was OUT #anyway i am a connoisseur of Things To Fall Asleep To bc insomnia baby #i also recommend: anything else Neil Gaiman narrates he has a very soothing voice #I loved listening and falling asleep to Norse Mythology and Fortunately the Milk #I also love the Tired Punks and Little Puffs playlist when it gets to the mtv unplugged version of Take On Me *chef’s kiss* #also space oddity and dreamer’s ball are great to listen to as you fall asleep if you’re still awake past take on me #any audiobook in general is good (remember to put a sleep timer on so you can easily back up instead of having it run all night!) #i used to listen to specifically a tale of two cities and other classics a lot and also hp but ahem. no so much anymore #there’s also a podcast called Sleep With Me which is basically just this guy talking to you in a reallt lulling way about things #until you fall asleep and it’s great #usually i bring that out if nothing else has worked #personally i also like not exactly asmr but you know those quiet crafting or cooking videos #you know that guy who makes knives out of random stuff? so soothing puts me right to sleep

[woolandcoffee]

Sigh.

#woolly rambles #was it absolutely a rookie mistake to send this person who set off all of my alarm bells a copy #of the imbolc ritual i wrote for my friend and i? yes absolutely #did i really have any way of avoiding it? no not really #my friend is not nearly as experienced as i am and is one of those people who likes to include everyone #which is generally i think a positive thing but in this case not really #anyways the good sport that i am i went along with including this other person even though everything about her screams #i'm here for the aesthetic and i don't take this seriously #but saint that i am i went along with it #also because i am not great with awkward social situations #anyways did this new person immediately live up to every single one of my suspicions by copy-pasting a line from my ritual write up #and putting it on a fake movie poster she designed for a class #why yes! yes she did! #fortunately it wasn't something extremely private #or something that she in theory couldn't have gotten from another source #although she clearly hadn't #she clearly copied it directly from my write up #which again it isn't something so private that we now have A Serious Problem #but it is enough of something that i am going to quietly revoke her access to the ritual doc and not share any of my content with her again #will probably have to now navigate the social situation of my friend being friends with this person #but that's far more doable now that i have pretty solid confirmation what sort of person i'm dealing with #the deeply unserious aren't that difficult to brush off i have found #and a little binding effort to keep her hands off my shit wouldn't hurt either #though tbh the most annoying part is that i did this to myself i knew this would happen #and i do genuinely enjoy doing rituals with my friend - she's not exactly at my level but she's sincere and thoughtful #and i enjoy ritual with her #but this other person is clearly just here to piss off evangelicals and wear dark lipstick #which i simply do not truck with #like babe we all shop at sephora you're not special

[thebirdandhersong]

orange peel promise

In between gut-wrenching deep breaths

and the sweat forming between my forehead

and the wooden pew, there was some sort of prayer

birthed: just like there was a prayer knitting itself

together when my friend hooked her arm around mine

and made her shoulder a resting place

for my bowed head. She just let me cry

into her sleeve in that empty, echoing church,

and her sturdy hand (steady with the repeated

knowledge of baking and painting and unnoticed serving)

held me close. There was a prayer there in the silence

of companionship, just as there was prayer

in the song rising around me in the service, though

I had no strength to rise from my knees then.

The pew in front of me: my favourite hiding place.

I wanted to hide from the truth--I wanted the sadness

to end--I wanted to stay silent.

They were praising God with joyful voices all around me.

I will praise my God, I thought, as my handkerchief

turned cold and heavy in my hand. I will. Even now.

Especially now. And so I got up, and the prayer

that was the dull beating of my tired heart

turned to shaking song.

There was prayer, too, when I split the sealed

envelope and unfolded the first and last letter.

And there was consolation in knowing that my God

was holding the what-ifs that had made an uneasy home

in my heart. What about the oranges I never peeled for you?

I had been thinking days ago. You don't know how

much I wanted to sit with you at the kitchen table

and watch the sun set on a quiet summer evening.

Here is how it goes: we say nothing, but the words

that sit there in the silence with us are simple:

I love you, I love you, I love you.

Here is how it goes:

I peel oranges first with the curve of my nail

digging into the middle, and I turn it into

a little clumsy blossom, a sea star with uneven arms.

I am good at peeling oranges.

I would have been good at peeling oranges for you.

And what about the letters I wanted to write?

What about the meals I'll never make?

What about all the little things I wanted to give to you,

the happy secrets I thought we'd share,

your absentminded hand trailing over your

guitar strings like fingers trailing in a lazy stream,

the family dinners and the walks by the sea?

But I stopped myself, and was content for a while

knowing that my God held all those little hungry

thoughts, too. And so the prayer that came when

the darkness descended over me again was this:

Lord, be near to me. Lord, please be near to me.

And there was consolation in knowing that He was,

even as you walked through the door that heavy

summer day, for our friend's wedding.

In between fervent applause and joyful song,

there was another prayer rising to my lips:

God, help me. What about the oranges? (Why oranges?)

What about the first time I ran to the basement door

and leaned my head against the cold metal frame

and listened, heart humming, for your voice?

What about the first time you held the door

and the first time you looked at me and smiled

as if your heart-gladness was as deep as mine?

Of course, it is easier to say "forget" than to not remember.

You were there. I was glad and relieved and hurting,

because you were there.

Here is how it went: I saw you on the stage and I forgot

to not think to myself: I love you, I love you, I love you.

Naturally, I was ashamed. Naturally, I was not surprised.

There was prayer before I opened your letter,

though I did not voice it, though it had no words

to give it shape. But I am sure there was. There was

no longer silence then: the generosity of the balmy air

was filled with outside voices, while in the office

the girl in the purple dress a size too big for her

cried into the palm of her hand so that no one would hear.

Before the letter, we walked towards the emptied altar

(where our friends had just exchanged vows) as

almost-strangers. After you gave it to me, we walked

down the quiet aisle side by side, almost-friends.

I read it and there was that prayer again, but this time,

it was one of simple joy. Joy that at last I understood.

Perhaps part of the problem was that I wanted--

expected--oranges, too, when what you were trying to give

was the quiet of companionship. Perhaps the problem

was that the thing we'd been trying to say

(I love you, I love you, I love you) was lost in translation

again and again.

The prayer when I walked back home today after church

was this: Thank you, thank you, thank you. In the

birdhouse of my imagination, in the fragile glass cabinet

hidden in my soul there was simply heart-gladness

that I knew you, that I loved you, that I was loved by you.

You know, the birds sing on in cheerful oblivion,

whether you're laughing or crying. Perhaps they know

that love never truly ends--it only changes shape.

Perhaps they know that song is really a form of prayer,

and all desperate prayer can be turned into gut-wrenching

praise. For our newly wedded friends, it began

at a kitchen table and ended (or began again) at

the altar. For the two of us, it began at a kitchen table

and ended (or began again) at the altar, when the decorations

were gone, when the people had migrated in great birdlike

flocks to the shade of the trees.

And so here is how it went: I met you (a blessing),

I loved you (a blessing), I was loved by you (a blessing).

And it was like looking at the world through stained glass.

And it was like dancing under the first shower of snow.

And it was like watching a garden grow,

like watching cherry blossom petals fall in April,

like the wild impulse to kiss the young sprout of a tree

in front of our church just because it was a young sprout

of a tree, just because it was spring.

And it was a good thing. It was a blessing.

You said so yourself. Naturally, I believed you.

And when I touched your cheek and you cried, I was

not surprised. And when I held you too long for

the last time, you were not surprised, either.

Some people wish on eyelashes, some on clovers,

some on shooting stars, some on pennies in a fountain.

Wishes for what? Probably not for the chance to peel

oranges for someone. One last thing, dear.

I only have one thing left to say today: I wish (no,

I pray) that you will be happy. That you will know

that God is near. That the spring comes again and again

for you, just for you. That someday, someone will peel

orange after orange for you, and that you will sit with her

and smile that rising-sun smile you saved for me,

and both of you will understand that it all means the same

thing, really: the oranges, and the silence, and the song,

and the spring, and the wildness of joy, and the

stillness of peace: that it means this: that it means yes:

that it means the heaviest and lightest promise of all:

that it means, truly, with all heart and soul:

I love you. I love you. I love you.

#and that is Closure! #alas the first time i post any poetry it is the long and rambly kind. at any rate it is what it is #i am only very young and have much to learn and see! and who knows if i really understand what true heartbreak is #but i do know that it was and is love and i am glad for it #mr knight :) God bless him #he is still one of the warmest kindest sweetest most joyful most steadfast people i know #i have had crushes in the past but! i think mr knight was my real first love #and i hope that God gives him much joy in his lifetime #slings and arrows of outrageous fortune in year 21 #aaaaaand now i'm back to doing homework :D troilus and cressida is not an easy play to write on but. a paper must be produced #and sleep must be had at SOME point. so an early good night dear friends #it has been an Experience these past few weeks and i've learned plenty about my own failings and shortcomings #thank God for His grace through it all. and thank God for ALL!!!

[jonny-b-meowborn]

You know, I've never been a fanfic person, and so far I've pretty much only read short one shots, I think I've read only one fic with many chapters and a bigger plot? But a few days ago I read a few Road 96 fics I bookmarked in the last few weeks, and turns out!! Two of them are unfinished. One lacks only the final chapter, and that one wasn't as interesting to me so I don't feel bad for not being able to finish it, but the other I got super invested in before I noticed it has only three chapters out of who knows how many. I understand now the hell of finding the perfect fic and having to wait for more. Ough

#and of course all of those were jarod related because obviously they would be #the shorter unfinished one was good and if it ever gets finished i will still read it #but it was mostly about a kink i dont have so like #it was good because it was well written and had some neat moments but overall im just not the target audience #but the other one. man #its definitely gonna be p long #like the three chapters barely started the plot but hooked me so bad #fortunately the last update was like a few weeks ago iirc so it doesnt seem to be abandoned #but like man the writing style was so fucking good #and based on the tags its gonna be like. mostly right up my alley #im not saying any titles tho #on one hand i wish i could recommend them but on the other. i am not saying what did i read #what happens on ao3 stays on ao3 you know what I mean #oh but i also read a sfw one that was p short and really good #the author sent me it here in dms #i can recommend that one with no hesitation #blood stained her hands #by luxedeluxe #but yeah im in hell now because i really want to continue reading the long one but. ougf #oh and btw the one long fic i mentioned that ive read in the past was flowerfell #like the undertale au where everyone is like red and evil and frisk grows flowers on them when they die #i dont know if there are multiple fics from that au but it was years ago so it was the og i think #really good #and i think the first fic ive ever read lmao #bee buzz