#going thru my writings and posting some of it

[magpigment]

you were a weapon first, the chosen one second. (you never really got the chance to be a child.)

you worked, and you failed, and you worked, and you failed, over and over for years.

you knew you weren't good enough- it was hard to ignore the look in their eyes. that look said more to you than they ever did.

it said more than enough, as well.

sometimes, thinking back on those years of your life spent beaten down and hauled back up again, youre filled with rage.

indescribable, unholy anger that fills you up until you want to tear the world down and gnash your teeth.

other times, it just drowns you in oily shame, in guilt, in worthlessness that lives within you.

sometimes, you dont know who you hate more; them, for taking so much from you, or yourself, for never being able to give enough.

#dandy writes #jrwi riptide #jrwi spoilers #jrwi gillion #jrwi the elders #going thru my writings and posting some of it #pretty proud of this one and the raspberries one #working on a couple others as well #might end up w an actual fic at some point but who knows #might also make this one a comic. if i’m silly enough (aka not actively incredibly sick)

[calcium-supplement]

🦴 bony kisses 🦴

Teeth pressing softly to your lips, hands as pale, hard, smooth but rough as unsealed porcelain cupping your face, holding you. Eyesockets impossibly drawn shut, an echo of your own fluttering eyelids as you tilt into the contact, his browbone furrowing and moving to follow, closer, deeper... Melting against him as a hand drifts to the back of your neck, phalanges carding through the hair at your scalp, making you sigh into his mouth, sweet, open...

#my writing #my hcs #utmv #tw suggestive #going thru and posting some old writing bits

[eternal-reverie]

got the posting anxiety bad tonight

#click clack #ok a peak into my thought process and anxiety here we go #ok so the art is almost done and up to standard I would post onto my art blog #BUT for some reason the thought of posting art of my ocs there scares me #because even tho it’s my art blog in my mind it’s the equivalent to a art gallery that demands being detached????? from the art #like once I share it there it’s no longer ‘mine’ but to the public #and my ocs (plus the stories that go with them) are like the closest to my heart and relinquishing them feels like a lot #a part of my imagination that I spent so much time with developing over the years to be placed up for judgement… #so then the solution could be to put it here on my personal! the online space cozy enough and filled with other posts that could easily bury #the original posts I put here #but there goes my other dilemma. i don’t want them too associated with my personal for if one day i do muster up something for publication #my big fear is that ppl will find this space and go thru everything. the fear of being perceived and judged 😵‍💫 #all the hypotheticals and anxiety for something that may not even happen #dumb mind problems my head made up 🙄 #anyway writing it out helped lol I’m posting it to my art blog I decided 👍 #I have to work on getting that blog to be comfortable space to post… i should lower that silly self imposed standard I set for myself #and be whatever about ppl being aware of my online presences #maybe… [grinding my teeth] I should post my messy sketches onto my art blog… #I should take my friends suggestion and make a website to feature my ocs…🤔 #idk my only other solution that doesn’t feel viable to mitigate the anxiety is to slowly introduce my ocs in the background of setting art #just a slow drip until they are in the forefront #bleghhh whatever much ado about nothing it’s like I never posted my ocs ever when I have indeed posted them before on both places ( º＿º ) #I’m realizing it happens too when I post too much fanart in a row… I have curator disease??? 🫨 #or something I used to be very particular about what order I reblog stuff like it used to be by color and content balanced out #I still do to a lesser degree… but it used to be pretty bad #post order compulsion???? #the fear of being abrupt and incohesive in between posts… #if you read this far thanks you can now see how much this consumes me 🙃

[honeydots]

I would like some teasers about that Xander - Soleil father-daughter support fic please 💖

HEHEHE that'd be my pleasure~~!! i'll put a couple things under the cut c:

the fanart nattie drew for me is from their c-support!! the gist of it is that xander's employing a similar punishment to soleil as he did to laslow for excessive flirting :3 but as they're working in xander's office, they both end up falling asleep, hence the little scene in the art <3

the rest of the support is about soleil lying through her teeth about how she totally isn't flirting anymore so she doesn't get in trouble again, and xander completely seeing through her lie and doing a dad-thing of trying to make her come clean herself instead of directly calling her out !!

#THANK U FOR ASKING!! #ive actually been considering making it an actual edit rather than a fic--or potentially doing both? #confession for my queer studies class i had to 'queer a piece of media' and i chose fire emblem and made an s-support for caeldori/soleil #(the assignment was more than just that but for simplicity's sake i'll leave it there) #where im going with this is that i HAVE done some edits before so i might do one for xander&soleil? it just seems like a lot of fun #i know there's a fe14 support maker mod as well. so that might also be someth i try and do in the future.... #the reason i might do this is bc i did write my outline with the intention of it being a script? which CAN translate to a fic but... #we'll see. we'll see!!! i'll probably post at least the script version here sometime #maybe soon bc i JUST GRADUATED WOOO so i have more time on my hands #(....allegedly but im still busy bc im moving rn LOL) #it was fun to pull up that doc again and read thru it.... my darling father-daughter combo i love them sm ;A; #thanks again i love to ramble about these sorts of things c: #dots's xnlw tag #soleil-is-the-bae #dots answers asks

[spearxwind]

do you guys have any fun shippy memes/posts I could use for drawovers or as inspo 👉👈 I have been wanting to draw the eels again but man im really outta inspo for art in general lately

#i actually wanna take inspo from hades (game) for banter because i have been playing through that #but like... im so head empty i cant remember anything specific from them just The Vibe of the characters is all so good #thunderclap #i also want to draw some more serious CD stuff i wanna do some more longer comiques with them but man i rly gotta decide on a situation #and all the ones i keep thinking of are REALLY LONG so i thought about writing them instead #but i wouldnt know where to start on those either #its one of those creative slump/breaks im going thru i think just gotta pull through with shitty memes in the memetime (hehe) #and thus i am making this post. asking for help for shippy memes god bless #tbh i could also pull from my cf tag but theres so many untranslateable shitposts in there

[themyscirah]

If Red Lantern Rankorr has 1000 haters one of them is me. If he has 100 haters I'm there. If he only has 1 hater that is me. If no one hates him I am no longer on this Earth. I hate Rankorr. Fuck that bitch

LMAOO going through my drafts rn and damn I really hated this guy. I mean I still do but idk this is funny to me

#the fact that i have more drafts than followers... #which ok isnt that impressive theres like 30 of you guys but still all my shitty dc drafts #i say shitty but its really just a mix between posts that i feel like i havent read enough comics to back up fully and dont want to seem #ignorant about (comma) stuff thats more shippy than usual (still like incredibly tame though) #and then like the stupidest fuckin future 0 note posts youve ever seen #also like some reading guides and meta in progress but thats split between here and my notes app generally #its so funny though bc i always get my best ideas abt comics like 2 minutes before one of my classes start #and then i forget about it in my drafts #like theres an absolutely devastating (to me) jess one that has like 2 sentences written #which i should like actually write #what was i saying? #oh and theres a lot of reading guides/comic recs thats where i save those #which now after scrolling thru rlly makes me want to read #where tf was this post going again? oh i was laughing at me hating rankorr #if i wrote comics id ressurect him off panel just to kill him again. if hes dead. i dont remember if hes dead but i think so? who tf knows #blah #i can make a vers without my dumb little comment on here btw if anyone actually wants to rb this lol but i doubt it

[iloveyoumorethansoup]

I think I should get medicated for my adhd/depression not cause it’s like detrimental to my mental health or anything. I just wanna be able to model all of Luna Nova into Minecraft

#I can do it #if I can focus #and if I don’t rot my days away in bed #i am currently avoiding homework to write this post #soup talks #also yall look at project Luna nova recently???? it looks so good!!! #they are my goal #my proudest achievement is not my cit pack. it’s sending them so many screenshots #it’s not up for download yet. but you best believe no one will hear from me for Days after it release #I wonder if I could beta test for them. I have a headset. I’m in their discord as some sort of helper role #ooh I’m a collaborator!! #yeah. I should see one day when I’m not going thru it #omg. yall. i was in the er yesterday (totally fine now) #I’m 99% sure my appendix was trying to explode #but I had to go in to make sure it wasn’t. cause that’s really bad and all. they gave me pain meds ran some tests #I’m not anemic found out. all my labs came back normal #I’m genuinely convinced it’s from stress. I think my appendix tried to abandon ship due to stress #they sent me home. said I was fine. come back if the pain came back. it hasn’t. I guess I’m fine! #hell of a day tho #anyways. I guess I should go focus

[featherlouise]

how do you imagine it to go? :0 - 👹

I WAS planning on saving it till I get my comic out but it'll honestly probably be a bit of a while till then soooo

BEWARE this turned out a LOT longer than I expected lmfao (and I change writing styles like 3 times)

---------------

Basically, Hornet, Herrah and WL are in the castle gardens having a picnic. Both queens are just chatting bc, for all Herrah despises PK, she actually gets along p well with WL, while Hornet is munching on a sandwich.

Then WL feels a sudden and intense mix of despair, pain, grief from the other end of her and PK's bond. (bc I interpret it as like. A shared soul kinda thing??? They can kinda project each other's emotions n shit) She's never felt these emotions from her husband before, nevermind anything so strong, so she immediately knows something is very wrong.

She rushes out of the room with barely a word of goodbye, which is INCREDIBLY out of character since she's generally the most calm and polite person in any given situation, so Herrah figured it'd be best to follow, and on the way out she tells a retainer to keep an eye on Hornet, telling the princess that WL needs help and she can't come along bc it might be dangerous

Which then spurs Hornet to follow her mother, bc she's not a baby, she can handle herself. And what if her mum needs help and she's not there?? Obviously she HAS to go. To protect her mum. And WL. But mostly her mum.

WL and Herrah make it to PK's workshop at p much the same time, and they're greeted with the sight of PK cradling the Pure Vessel to his chest, one hand carding through their hair in a mockery of comfort. He's kinda just. Staring off into the middle distance, and the tears streaming down his face are left to drip down his chin and into the vessel's hair. It's like he doesn't even realise he's crying.

Herrah, who had initially opened her mouth to loudly demand an explanation, recognises the situation for what it is: a parent's grief. It's something she's never experienced herself (thank the gods) but she's seen that exact look on the faces of her people after another child is found dead at the hands of a nosk. It's not an expression she ever expected to see on the Pale Wyrm's face, but nevertheless, she grapples together as much compassion as she can and begins, "Wyrm..."

That seems to startle the King out of his thoughts, and he whips his head around, subconsciously cradling the vessel even closer, and staining his hands and robes even further with the ichor that's slowly seeping out of a large hole in their chest.

A hole. In their chest. Tinted orange.

"what the fuck."

The King looks between both queen's, an almost pleading look in his eyes, before seeming to steel himself, and opening his mouth to speak.

*BANG*

The doors suddenly swing open to reveal a tiny princess, waving around her wooden training nail, grinning and bouncing on the balls of her feet,

"HEY MAMA!! I know you said it might be dangerous but I swear I can help-

"..Holly??"

The little girl's eyes are fixed on the still form of the vessel, and Herrah decides in that moment that she needs to move now. Everything else can wait until later, her baby does NOT need to see this.

She crouches in front of Hornet, and gently takes her face in one hand,

“Look at me baby, c’mon let’s get-“

"They're gonna be okay, right??" Her eyes are drifting over her mother's shoulder, taking in the sight of her father, crying, holding her sibling like they'll disappear if he loosens his grip. They're still. Too still. They're never this still, even when they're pretending to be a statue, and especially not around her.

Herrah takes her face in both her hands this time, and Hornet has no other choice but to look at the forlorn look on her face, "Honey I don't think-"

"NO!!" She tears herself away from her mother and begins to run towards her fallen sibling, intending to shake them, kick them, bite them, anything that'll make them wake up because,

"THEY PROMISED!! They said they'd play hide and seek with me if I was good at dinner time today!! So they HAVE to wake up!!" But her mother grabs her by the waist and holds her to her chest before she can take more than two steps, enduring the kicking and punching and scratching that her daughter rains down upon her, anger slowly teetering off into sobs,

"They promised..."

It's all Herrah can do to cradle her child, offering empty condolences, shushing her and slowly rocking back and forth, until she eventually tires herself out enough to fall into a restless sleep.

The King and Queen look at her as she stands up,

"I'm going to put Hornet to bed, and when I return I expect you to have pulled yourself together, Wyrm, enough to tell me what the fuck has happened in here."

The doors decidedly don't slam on the way out, if only to keep her sleeping daughter from waking up.

#THIS IS VERY RUSHED AND I HAVENT PROOF READ IT #BUT THIS IS BASICALLY IT #some dialogue here and there isn't quite right but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ #this is p much what I've had swimming in my head #ALSO #herrah has DEFINITELY told hornet what the symptoms of infection are #so she knows what she's looking at when she walks into that workshop #hollow fkin dies au #feather writes #ig #I'll prolly go thru the rest of my posts and add that to anything I've written a fair amount on

[aropride]

i neeeeed to figure out a good way to sort all my damn Files. fuck my stupid baka life

#text #the main things i want to sort my writing by are a) date and b) type of writing #like is it fic is it a poem is it an outline is it original fiction etc etc #rn ive got stuff in folders by year #and most poems have the word 'poem' in the file title somewhere ubt nothing else is rlly labelled #and i kind of want to group all the fic together #but also idk #it would take fucking AGES #also at some point i want to see if i have any finished unposted fics or not #and post anything i have #but i was really bad at titling shit #so id have to manually go thru every. single. file. #fuck my stupid baka life

[cannibaltranssexual]

hi jason! sorry if youve answered this before, but what does aaoc stand for? i love the posts that you tag as such so im curious :]

its my tag for posts that remind me of my wip fic(s) !! i havent 100% settled on what to name the series yet but pretty early on in development i stumbled upon that passage by julian k jarboe (from the book everyone on the moon is essential personnel) that goes

Why does God create grapes and wheat, but not wine and bread? God does this because God wants us to share in the act of creation. To be how you made me, to become how God made me, though you, I can remake myself. You and I: we are already only whole, and shifting towards the divine.

and the author also has a tweet relating this concept to transsexuality and youve probably already seen one or both of these floating around on tumblr already but whatever i just wanted to center my t4t hannigram fic around these quotes cause theyre just. so good.

so yeah it stands for "an act of creation" except it should probably be "#taoc" if i wanted it to match the original quote but i cba to go and change it now which is probably not how placeholder tags are meant to work !! oh well . fic playlist <3

#sorry idk if u were asking me abt the tag in general or just the acronym but whatever . infodump time #i have not answered this ask before <3 i rarely get asks and even more rarely answer them 💀 #ask #aaoc #i dont even know how much religious themes to include in the fic bc im like the worst person to attempt to write that (<- raised atheist) #but character wise it would only make sense and it would literally make the narrative so much more layered #anyways . some things that go in the tag: #autocannibalism + transsexuality as violence + transsexuality as cannibalism which is like . thesis statement #rural american towns/houses #wolf/dog symbolism + deer & antler symbolism + especially the two combined #literally any pictures of knives but especially those ones made of canine teeth or deer bones. or ones that just have swag gender vibes #knives r gonna be a big thing for young will and theyre basically his symbolic wolf teeth. but maybe fashioned out of whats left of the doe #and of course literally anything else that has to do with/reminds me of trans hannibal or trans will or t4t hannigram or dark!will #ditto with the characters' youths at any point in time since im writing backstories for both of em as well as a florence hannigram arc #and idk sometimes i just go by vibes. sometimes a post is hannigram but ever so slightly different so it must go in the tag #i seriously cant wait til school is over and i can finally go thru my tag and write scenes/notes of what every single post reminds me of #my thought process for the most recent one was just. gore goes on the hanniblog by default + androgyny = defiance of gender norms = aaoc #then it made me think of our convo abt hannibals relationship with japanese culture and also what would body horror be for young hannibal? #so yeah basically just things for my brain to chew on for inspiration #sorry abt the tag wall im normal abt this au (lying) and also just wanted to write down a list of things to tag for personal reference

[izzy-b-hands]

Brain says wamt write, but I open writing program and words go away

what fuck

#text post #full disclosure i struggled so hard to fall asleep last night i wound up sleeping on my floor post T shot #bc i couldn't convince myself I'd earned a shower (i took it just recently after waking up instead tho) or to lay in my bed #and all i want is to get any of the ideas I've been having down on the page concretely #or to finish one of my drafts and post it #or to get the stuff I've only posted here up on my ao3 too #however i work later today and rn my body hurts and my brain is once again on the kick of 'lets think abt all ur traumas at once' #so i fear i am not going to be as productive as i want #if i get thru my shifts and can help Housemate get some dinner squared away I'll call it a win for today #i feel like I'm keeping the bar too low for myself but whenever i put it higher i wind up not meeting it one hundred percent #and then i just feel terrible so. idk. im trying. once again. day in day out #really just wanna go hide in the midwifery charge au but alas i cannot merge myself into a fictional universe #but maybe tomorrow i can get some writing done for it

[pepprs]

it’s march 15 now but 3 yrs ago yesterday i flew home from brighton bc of c*vid. lole

#purrs #i did some of my usual rituals this yr like listening to marigold. but i didn’t write myself a letter or anything and i didn’t cry watching #the vlog i made. i didn’t cry at all actually. i think it’s just been so long now that it feels so detached from me. and idk how to feel abt #that bc it’s like… am i healing from it or am i just suppressing the feelings subconsciously and just going thru the motions. idk. #i kind of can’t believe all of that happened. and i haven’t talked to any of my brighton friends in so long and im scared to. but i should #also like even in posting abt it there’s just no emotion at all. meanwhile it was one of the most traumatic things ive ever experienced ♥️

[leezuhh]

the xenophobia in genshin is crazyyy 😭

#likeeee within the own game world u have paimon being the stupid lil 'voice' of the player thats literally just used to say rude shit #that u cant even refute.... like the worst offenders is that she straight up says shit like 'theyre fatui u cant trust them' #or 'theyre eremites u cant trust them' #like thats crazy how the two groups we 'cant trust' are based on russians and middle easterners???? #anyways i like this game but i have SO many gripes about random shit like this thats bad #some really specific combat stuff annoys me #like umm why does yelan's hydro aimed shot cooldown at a set rate when not fighting but not while fighting?? why not just make it the same? #or why cant shieldwall mitachurls take damage from behind their shields if u shoot them FROM BEHIND?? the shot literally goes thru them #it just makes using ganyu super annoying bc i use her cryo construct skill to divert the enemies so i can shoot them but with shieldwalls #they turn away and then i just still cant do damage until theyre attacking?? even if theyre frozen?? #hashtag just combat mechanics that dont make sense #also why tf do you sometimes just randomly lose grip on walls ur climbing and start sliding down like ????? #i always seem to go off on the tags of my own posts and never in the post itself huh. i coulda just written all this #anyways this post inspired by zhongli story quest starting with - archeologist guy who paimon immediately goes OH NO A FATUI DROP UR WEAPON #like im sorry since when are we teyvats cop?also the dude literally isnt holding a weapon which he points out but the game still makes u go #'hes fatui we have to be cautious' when the dude is nothing but nice. imagine ur doing ur job and some random girl and her floating toddler #try to fucking arrest you for literally just chilling #anyways and then the dude is like sure you can come along :) for no reason when we were just a dick #bc they have no idea how to write meaningful/realistic npcs jesus christ #sure ppl are like 'who cares its a random NPC' i care its literally so annoying and doesnt make me want to play ur stupid game #also not to mention the pyramid quest in the desert where (worst npc) tirzad is like 'we cant trust these two (his bodyguards!!) - #- because they're eremites' and yeah its whatever disproven by jebrael and jeht being the most slayful NPCs in the game #but paimon still AGREES WITH HIM?? and at that point i was like ok so this sucks but whatever but then #as if that isnt enough after jeht joins the tanit later or wtv u have to go through a whole questline that literally ends w dismantling #their entire village?? its very much reflective of rhetoric like how jeht is the 'only good one of '''them'''' aka thinly veiled racism #like oh its fine because SHE is 'one of the good ones' no fuck you wth #and no having like 2 desert npcs in the archon quest be nice doesnt make up for some of the crazy racist shit they say in the sumeru quests #umm anyways. cant wait for fontaine where the number of characters with non snow white skin will once again be reduced to 0 #because they're french right and poc dont exist in france :( /s #this is probably the longest rant ive ever gone on for this game i literally paused the game to type all that 😭

[iloveyoumorethansoup]

I think in terms of logging on or logging off I’ve made the decision that I’m logging on. I’ve never had particularly good mental health but it’s always been at its best when I’ve best consistently on this funky little website keeping my little soup talks diary

#there’s definitely psychological reasoning there of like. keeping a diary or sorts? writing out and processing all of my thoughts #and feelings. and also because I am determined to be coherent making sure I explain why I feel the way I do makes it so I gotta know why #so I can’t really just jump to a conclusion or get upset without citing my sources Yknow?? #also definitely makes me go oh I’m insane for that one and so in the wrong. what’s the logical option here? #cause like. i know I type a lot and there’s gotta be a decent bit of interest to get thru some of these posts so not everyone’s gonna read #but it will make sense for those who do. and by extension the emotional little wet tissue paper heart of mine gets a crash course in logic #not to be mean to myself or anything. I’m just irritated with myself for having trauma and emotions #my life loves to be a cycle of opening up and then numbing myself to everything when it starts to hurt and then repeating #well everything hurts and it’s a toss up on what’s gonna happen rn #maybe it’ll get better! maybe it’ll get worse! it honestly depends on the first month of college. I’m placing my bets that that’s where #i make a choice. do I fix myself once and for all? do I lock my heart in a little box and tear it out of me? #we will see! not for another few months. but time sure will tell #soup talks

[orcelito]

Ok there r some pretty big things I wanna fix with the first chapter of ITNL, but I don't rly have the brain for that. Putting it on the backburner.

Might fuck around with chapter 2 tho. Just maybe.

#speculation nation #itnl shit #desperately need a revamp for chapter 1 bc it's good at its core but it was also written and posted all in one day #and U can tell. a lot of early itnl was like that. #man at this rate im treating the fic as a whole like a WIP chapter #aka im going to be going thru it all and doing incremental changes and touch ups #all in this separate doc. current version of itnl will remain until i have it all smoothed out #ill let u guys know when i actually get around to doing the mass edit changes #again im not changing the overall structure of the story. just addressing some internal inconsistencies #and canon innacuracies #so like itnl is good as it is but im going to make it Better. #the perfectionist in me is showing its colors lol. but 75k isnt that big of a deal to edit tbh #especially since everything's already passed the general grammar and wording edits #taking things from passable to Great #yes this is making itnl 15 take longer than otherwise. but i think itll be worth it. #given that ive recently reread trimax in its entirety #there are a lot of things i remember better. so a lot of things to fix with itnl. #plus im in a better state of mind to dig my fingers into the grit of it and write things Well #getting back into the ITNL story by improving it so that it's the best it can be. #which will get me back into the groove of it. so when it comes time to write itnl 15 #im going to be a well-oiled machine. and i can churn out something that does the chapter justice. #this is a major turning point of the story. i Have to do it justice. #all i ask is that readers be patient. xoxoxo love y'all

[ecce-felix]

i got nothing against most elain stans (specifically the elucien/no ship ones who give her more personality in their metas/fics than sjm ever has), however i do not wish to see posts abt her/her potential in the nesta tags bc i do not like her. lol. 

#unless she recants the way she treated nesta in SF absolutely not #i like her in alternative canon fics where she's actually a good sister #i'm reading one or two rn where she's definitely not 1000% understanding of nesta at first but then they talk it out and grow #like it should've fucking been without rhys and cassian sticking their dicks into it (figuratively and literally) #and it's realistic when you have a sibling going thru it to not always be gracious with them #it's a frustrating and upsetting situation for the person watching their sibling going thru hell after all #but not the way canon elain behaved in SF absolutely not #i like the potential she has but sjm has squandered it thus far #and her behaviour in SF was absolutely disgusting #i truly hope for her stans that sjm does something good with her tho bc some of you are very persuasive #its like how i actually like rhys in certain fics but hate him when sjm writes him #or when feysand stans write him #rhys and elain both have/had (had for rhys) a lot of potential #but sjm fucked rhys up and so i dont see her doing elain any favours #post about elain and her potential doesnt even mention nesta at all WHY IS IT TAGGED PRO NESTA #PLEASE #improper tagging is always my biggest tumblr petpeeve its so easy to not improperly tag your fucking posts