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jawritter · 4 years

Text

You and Me...

Chapter 12

***SERIES WARNINGS**** Rape, non-con, male!rape, injury, violence, description of injury caused by rape, nightmares, self-harm, panic attacks, implied female non-con, language, ass hole Jensen, hurt!Jensen, dark fic, smut. If there is anything else I will add it as I go.

***Chapter Warnings*** Therapy session, talk of trauma and trauma-related repercussions, mild talk of nightmares/night terrors, talk of flashbacks, language probably, Hint of body insecurities due to rape. Suggested discussion of rape. I think that’s pretty much it.

Pairing: Jensen Ackles x Reader

Word Count: 3151 (sorry this one is a little long)

A/N: Anyway, all mistakes are mine, please don’t copy my work, Feedback is golden. If you want to be added to the series tag list, or my tag list just let me know! I hope you enjoy this one. This is something I actually did and witness, and I realize this one might be hard to read because it is a little heavy.

Summary: It’s funny how one choice you made can change your whole life. One mistake can alter your course, and set you on a path that forever will haunt you. Two people find themselves getting through one of the hardest trials of Jensen’s life, on just one small promise. You and Me. We’ll get through it together…

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***YOU AND ME MASTERLIST***

A short three hours later you found yourself sitting in a small clean room on a small deep grey couch. Two end tables on each end dark oak wood and a coffee table in front of you to match. The carpets are also dark grey. Certificates lined the walls, showing off different degrees, and other accomplishments of the therapist you were here to see. A large window overlooking downtown Austin across from you, and in front of it a large chair and an end table to match other furniture in the room.

A younger woman, Dr. Melissa Johnson, who insisted on everyone being on a first-name basis with each other in order to make Jensen feel more comfortable, sitting in the large chair in front of the window, her clipboard in hand, listening closely to everything Jensen had to say.

You knew this wouldn’t be an easy visit for him, and honestly, he was doing better than you thought he would. He was much calmer than you think you would be in that situation.

Melissa hadn’t rushed him or pushed him, she simply said. “Okay, Jensen, let’s start from the beginning.”

That’s where you found yourself now.

Jensen was sitting on the other end of the small couch to your left, as you listened to things that they had done to him, things you only thought happened to people in horror movies. A tape recorder was going on the coffee table. It was more horrific than you thought. The things they did to him made it was hard to keep your breakfast down.

You were trying not to let it show on your face. He was doing so well with opening up and finally telling what had happened to him. Not without some convincing that he was in a safe, judgment-free space, but still, you didn’t want him to see you get upset, and then in turn get upset or feel like you were judging him in any way. He was so vulnerable right now. He didn’t need you to be weak.

"Then the next time I came to myself I was in the hospital, and Jared was sleeping on the small couch in the room," he said, shaking so hard you could almost hear his teeth chattering, a light sheen of sweat dripping down his face that he quickly wiped away.

You knew it was incredibly hard for him to tell that story. Hell, you don't know if you would have been able to go into detail that way.

Once he started talking though it just seemed to flow out of him and keep coming, gruesome detail after gruesome detail.

Melissa put the clipboard down on the table and looked at the two of you.

“How are you doing now that you're out of the hospital? How are you feeling? Something obviously convinced you to come and see me today. Help me to understand where you're at right now.”

Jensen cleared his throat and set up straighter in the corner of the couch, hands nervously running up and down his knees. His eyes shifting uncomfortably around the room. He finally just shook his head, not answering anyone for a long time. She gave him time, and you did as well. Though you could literally feel your heart racing in your ears.

“I…. I don’t… I don’t really know how to explain it,” he said, shaking his head. You knew that wasn’t the whole truth, but you weren’t about to say a damn thing.

"Jensen, you went through quite a trauma. Some things are going to come to the surface, the nightmares, night terrors, flashbacks. That's all part of experiencing any sort of trauma. It's your brain's way of dealing with unnatural things. Things that are traumatic. Hallucinations have even been reported in some cases. If you're having any of those things, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Something obviously made you decide to come to see me today... I can’t help you unless you open up to me. This is a safe space, remember."

Jensen took a deep breath and closed his eyes. “All of it, I’m having all of it... Everything you described, and it’s all so fucking real.”

Your heart broke at that moment. You wanted more than anything to reach out and at least grab his hand, and even started to, but stopped yourself.

Melissa noticed your movement. She paused and looked at the two of you for a moment. Taking a note at the distance between you on the couch.

“Is it worse when you are alone or does it not really make a difference either way?” she asked. Jensen took a deep breath, trying to ground himself.

“It’s worse when I’m alone. That’s why I’m staying with Y/N. She was at the hospital with me. We’ve been together ever since.”

Melissa nodded her head knowingly. Jensen was still shaking lightly but was calming down now considerably.

"I'm an expert in this sort of trauma. I see a lot of people that have gone through similar traumas as yourself. Then I see some that didn't have such violent traumas. I want you to remember this, everyone deals with things differently. Everyone’s process of healing and the time it takes them to do so is different, and there is no wrong way to do this. Your experience was very violent.”

Jensen sat chewing on his lower lips, staring at the floor. He looked exhausted, and you were ready to get him out of there, get him back to your apartment where you knew he was safe, you knew he needed to do this, but watching him work through it wasn’t easy.

“I need to ask you a few questions, some of these may make you a little uncomfortable, but it’s important that if you answer them you do it honestly. They're going to be kind of personal," she said.

Jensen just nodded his head. You had learned him well enough by now to know that was something he did when he was trying to deflect. Just going through the motions, but not really present in the conversation.

He did it a lot lately.

“Jensen, are you and Y/N in a relationship,” she asks, and you tried to hide your widened eyed expression from Jensen.

Since that day in the hospital, you had never spoken about your feelings for each other again, and you didn’t really know where you stood together, but a relationship wasn’t even in the cards rights now for either of you.

“I’d like to be, but I don’t know if I can be. I know I can’t live without her, and I have feelings for her, and I know she does for me, but we’ve never labeled anything. Everything has just been so…”

Jensen let his words fall away, looking at you, his eyes distance and numb, his gaze unfocused and tired.

“Y/N, do you want to be in a relationship with Jensen?” she asked, and you were still slightly stunned that he even wanted to be in a relationship with you.

“Yeah... I mean, of course, I would, but I don’t want to push him into something that he’s not ready for you to know?” you tell her.

Jensen licked his lips nervously and fidgeted a little in his seat.

“Figure it out guys, don’t be afraid to talk about your feelings for each other. I don’t think it would be a bad idea personally. I can see something between you. Even though you hadn’t said anything before this point in our session. You like each other, and I think it can help him heal, as well as you, because it’s hard to watch someone you care about go through something so hard.”

Jensen nodded his head, looking back down at his lap again.

Melissa picked up her clipboard again, eyeing Jensen carefully.

"Jensen, this might be hard to answer, but since you were attacked have you been intimate with anyone?" she asked.

Your eyes got wider, you hadn't expected that question, and apparently neither had Jensen. He was looking at her with a similar expression on his face.

"I'm sorry... What?" he stuttered, looking at her like she was speaking a foreign language.

She smiled gently at him, not surprised seemingly at all by his reaction.

"What I mean is since your attack have you had sex with anyone?" she said calmly.

Poor Jensen looked like he'd been nailed in the face with a frying pan. You sat there bug-eyed and not saying a word. The answer was not no, but hell no, you didn't expect her to ask that. Obviously, he was in no shape to have any sort of contact in that manner with another human.

"Uh... She... She's.. Not exactly my “partner”...I," Jensen stammered, trying to regain his composure, his mind obviously going straight to you. That took you again by surprise. "We weren't sleeping with each other before this happened, and we haven't started now."

He still looked taken aback, and would not look at you if you paid him to do it, keeping contact with the woman sitting across from him.

"Okay," she said, nodding her head and smiling at him softly. “That’s perfectly okay, I just wanted to know if you had ventured out into that yet. I know things are still fresh, but like I said, everyone deals with things differently. Not being intimate with someone is okay, and if you had that would have been okay too. When I saw the two of you come in I thought that might have been the case between you. I wanted to see where you were in the process of intimate contact before I suggest the exercise that I had in mind for you.”

"Why did you think she and I were having sex?" he asked, not angry, but genuinely curious.

"Well, the way you look at each other mainly. The way she seemed to respond to your pain in retelling your experience that brought you to me. The way she's reached for your hand at least three times since you started telling your story, but stopped short of actually touching you," she said, smiling at the two of you warmly.

All you could think was apparently you weren't covering up your reaction to his attack as you thought you were.

Jensen was staring at you, blinking, like he'd expected her to say anything, but that.

"You obviously trust her. People that have gone through trauma like yourself don't tend to allow people outside of their trusted circle to come to these appointments," she said, weighing Jensen's response to her every word.

"She's been there with me since I was at the hospital basically. We were working together, before... well.. She's been with me ever since, doing things for me that my wife wouldn't even do when we were married," he said, looking down at his lap playing with his watch.

"Let's do a little exercise," she said, crossing her legs with a smirk on her face. "Y/N, I want you to scoot over on the couch, and sit right next to him, as close as physically possible.”

You look at Jensen, then back at her.

"It's okay, trust me. He can handle it. I want to prove to you something," she said.

You look over at Jensen again. He half-heartedly smiled, but it was his body language that stuck out to yourself and the therapist.

Before you could even move he had thrown his arm over the back of the couch, and grabbed your hand, making room for you to sit comfortably next to him, and pulling you to him by the hand.

Slowly you slid into place, and you felt Jensen lean into you slightly.

"Jensen, it's not abnormal to feel detached from your body after experiencing a violation to the degree that you did. It's a way your body copes. Your mind may be screaming one thing, but your body is doing another. Is that how you feel?" she asked.

You felt Jensen's grip tighten on you. You looked up at him and you saw silent tears slipping down his face.

The therapist smiled knowingly, sliding the tissue box closer to you so that you could hand him a few tissues.

He didn’t have to answer, she already knew...

"It's okay to feel the way you're feeling. Your feelings aren't wrong. They're human nature. It's human nature to feel the need to be close to someone. It's not dirty, or wrong like your mind had tried to make it out to be. Even though you were hurt your body is still gonna have urges. That's because they hurt your mind more than they hurt your body. That's where your battle is going to be. You feel like your control has been taken away from you. That what once might have been enjoyable, or natural, or even intimate has turned filthy and painful. We’re going to help you get that control back, in time, give yourself time, be patient with yourself. Don’t be afraid to push yourself either. "

She then turned to you.

"He's not gonna break, He's not glass. He's going to have bad days, he's gonna have nightmares and flashbacks, but he NEEDS the contact. He needs intimacy, and I’m not talking about sex. He needs to feel you close to him, to know you're there. Don't walk around him like you're afraid if you touch him he'll shatter. He wants you to touch him, he wants you to snuggle up on the couch with him. When he's having a bad day he wants you to wrap your arms around him. He's just not able to ask for it right now. You saw how eager he was to have you under his arm just now. I never told him to grab your hand with his free hand. He did that. I never told him to lift his arm and let you closer to him. He did that. Do you understand? Right now he's craving you to be close to him," You look up at Jensen, who is looking anywhere but you and the therapist.

"Okay,” was all you could say. You felt his grip tighten on your hand.

“It’s good that you're staying with him. He doesn’t need to be alone right now, he needs you to be there for him,” she said.

"I've been staying at her apartment. Sometimes I go home during the day, but at night I can't make myself stay by myself," his voice sounded ashamed and broken. It made you lean your head onto his shoulder. As soon as you did he tightened his arm around you and took a very deep breath.

"It's okay that you don't want to be alone. That's normal," she said. “You two do need to come to terms on where you stand. That way what I'm about to tell you doesn't seem so awkward."

Jensen looked down at you honestly a little afraid.

"I want you to think about moving in with him at his house. I think it might help him being familiar with his surroundings, in his space with you. Someone he trusts... Do you think you would be willing to do that?" she asked you.

You thought for a moment, honestly a little nervous about what Jensen may think about it, but you decided to play along. You weren’t going to leave him, especially not now, and if he needed to be home, then home with him you’d go...

You nod slowly. "I can do that if he wants me to," you say, not really believing your own words came out of your mouth, yet never more sure of anything in your life.

"I want that," he said before the therapist could say anything, eyes locked on you; an emotion that you didn't understand burning deep in the background of his eyes.

"Okay, that's settled then," she said. "Now the hard part. The part that's gonna be a little awkward and tough. It very well may throw you into a flashback the first time, Jensen," she said, giving him a sympathetic look.

"Trust me though, this will work. Every free chance you get, Every time you have some time alone. Every time you go to bed at night I need both of you to lay there and cuddle with each other. Let him explore you, let him gain control, and make sure he knows he has control of the situation, eventually get to where you can do it naked."

Seeing the look on your faces she threw her hand up before either of you could say anything. "Just hear me out," she said.

Jensen is shaking next to you again. Not that you hadn’t seen him naked before. Just that type of contact while naked seemed to throw him a little bit.

"Sex isn’t what they took away. Your power over your own body, that’s what they took away from you. It's what caused the mental detachment that you're feeling. The only way to get that back is to get your control back. Sex is how your going to do that. I want you to get comfortable in your own body again. It's human nature that eventually this type of cuddling will turn into intimacy. That's gonna be hard the first time. The more you allow yourself to go there though. The more control you will regain, and you will be able to start to heal," she said, handing him a piece of paper. "Come back in a month, before then if you need to. Let me know your progress."

Jensen nodded and stood. “Okay, we’ll give it a try… I want to get past this.. So bad.”

“You will trust yourself, and trust Y/N,” she said.

Both of you shook hands with her and walked silently to the car. Jensen was still holding your hand tightly.

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When the door was finally shut and the two of you were back in your apartment he finally spoke.

"So, looks like we got some things we're gonna have to figure out between us, apparently we can't just keep ignoring it anymore if I'm ever gonna get better," he said, closing the distance between the two of you and wrapping his arms around your waist, holding you close to him.

"Were you serious? Will you move in with me?" he asked, almost a little afraid of your answer.

"Yes, I told you I would," you say.

His grip tightens and he pulls you into his chest as close as he can.

"Then what will you say if I told you I have feelings for you, and I really want you to be my girlfriend? Do you want to be with someone as fucked up as me?" he asked.

Which floored you. You weren’t expecting that, but it did make your heart flutter a little in your chest.

"Jensen, of course, I want to be with you.”

Before you could even finish his lips were on you, softly, sweetly. It didn't last near as long as you wanted it to, but it was a start.

"Well baby, I guess we need to get you packed."

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erikdragon · 3 years

Text

Color Me In

When: June 25th Pride Parade day Warning: cute gay shit Written in discord with @angelseth

Erik didn't sleep. He didn't have to, not after staying asleep for centuries on end, but that night he let himself be lulled by Seth's steady breath to a state of semi consciousness, a hazy and comfortable space.

He didn't realize when he sun sneaked into the sky, taken by surprise when ray of sunlight warmed his foot. The dragon had the angel in his arms, tangled with the soft white sheets when he opened his eyes, staring up at the glass wall. He had half a mind to wake Seth up, the view was stunning, but one look down to his face was enough to decide against him. He looked so peaceful, with his soft freckles across his cheeks and his parted lips, Erik didn't have the heart to disturb him. So instead he let his thumb rub against his hipbone, tracing circles over the soft skin.

Everything that had happened in the past weeks was not close at all to anything that Seth had ever experienced before. He was amazed at playing human. He enjoyed it to no end, but he had never felt anything similar to this in is over a hundred years and he was honest, it was a tad scary, but still, he wanted to get immersed in it and find out if this was what humans always bragged about and what his cherub siblings always talked about. Waking up next to Erik was something unexplainable. Seth was unable to say why he had even fallen asleep when it was not a common practice to hum even if his vessel did need some rest from time to time. But the calmness and warmth the dragon had brought into his life made it too easy to feel more and more human. The kisses and touches had gone from chaste to heated but still on a safe territory for him and he wondered if it was Erik’s reason to keep him untainted from Lust. Either way, it was soothing to feel the dragon’s soft touches. Especially in moments like this when he was on the verge of waking up. The Grigori smiled and flickered his eyes open gently as he stirred and shifted closer, “I fell asleep on you again,” the words came in a soft whisper as h licked his lips, “I should cook breakfast as an apology, shouldn’t I?”

Erik smiled at the sight of Seth stirring awake, he looked too adorable not to. There was a chuckle rumbling in his chest when Seth started talking and Erik ran his fingers through the angel's hair, fondly pushing the few lost strands off of his eyes "Nope" Erik whispered back, stretching himself out before pulling him closer and wrapping his arm back around him "You're not leaving this bed for at least ten more minutes, no chance" he hummed, locking eyes with him "Nice sleep?"

The involuntary smile painted on Seth's face was one of the few unexplainable things that kept on happening around Erik and he was enjoying it far too much for it to be allowed, but the angel didn’t want to worry about that too much. One of the Grigori’s hand moved to press it over the dragon’s chest, feeling his heartbeat under his fingers as their eyes locked, “Are you not hungry?” the question came still in a very soft murmur, “It was a nice sleep, yes, but I am ashamed of how easy it is turning into a bad habit to fall asleep in you. My vessel must be quite tired. Or very relaxed around you.”

Erik made a funny face, as if he was pondering the option "Maybe a little, but it can wait a while. One should never mess with things like fire right after waking up, that can be dangerous" he teased with a smirk "I'm sure they covered that I'm chef school?" The dragon joked, feeling Seth’s hand pressed right over his scar, a shiver running through his spine. Oh that could end so bad. "I like to think it's the later. If it makes you feel any better, you weren't the only sleepy one." The hilarity on the angel’s face was obvious, “Are you talking about cooking, or about yourself?” Seth questioned humorously. The shiver didn’t go unnoticed for the young angel and a light frown crossed his features, “Are you okay?” the concern sounding clear on the tone of his voice. “I would like to think so as well. One day I will ask him,” it was a promise since from time to time, Seth did get to talk to his vessel to make sure he was okay. “I thought you said you didn’t need to sleep after a long slumber.”

Erik let out a surprised bubbly laugh at that question "I was talking about a stove, but I mean... You're not wrong. So for future reference:" he was chuckling, pulling Seth closer to kiss his lips "If you're handling me after waking up, treat lightly" he joked, nuzzling his neck "I'm fine, nothing to worry your pretty head about" the dragon dismissed it, not wanting to burst their bubble with things like his heart or traumatic past. "Well, then tell him I said hey - and complimented him on his tattoos, great choice" he smiled "I don't need to, but you were comfy" the dragon laughed "So, I hear there's a parade going on today."

It brought a nice feeling to be the causing of that laugh. The best part is that it was contagious so Seth laughed too, “I am being careful,” the angel said impishly as he let his fingertips to trace up from the dragon’s chest to his cheek as he leaned in to press their lips together in second chaste kiss. As much as Erik asked him not to worry, it was part of Seth’s personality to worry for those who had become important in his life and Erik had become very important in so little time. “I will make sure to tell him that, I will have to let him know about you. Sometimes I share some memories with him and he does with me,” the Grigori explained. “I’m glad you believe so, it would be very awkward if it was not,” the smile was back. “Yes, yes there is. It is to celebrate pride month. I usually work today and bake colorful cupcakes on the store to give them away, but I decided not to this year and to join the festivities,” Seth explained as he propped himself up on his arm, “Are you going to celebrate too?”

Erik chuckled, lifting his hand to a stray lock of his hair. Fuck, that smile. "Oh, so you're going to share memories of us with him? Now I feel important." He teased, though it was the truth. It was like someone telling their best friend about you, it felt nice. "Well, I am a dragon, pride is half of my personality" he joked with a chuckle "And I do love a festival, so... But remind me again, what are we prideful of?"

Seth shook his head, “No, not of us. Only some memories I have of you, when we met so he knows who I’m talking about, “ the angel cleared out. Erik had a very valid point, Seth knew how prideful dragons were so it made sense but it still amused him the way he said it, “You are aware that same sex couples had been frowned upon among humans for a long time, aren’t you? It has been a few years since people stopped hiding and being hunted because of their sexual preferences and that is why they celebrate being proud of being who they are, no matter who they love and to be loud about equality.”

Erik smirked "So you talk about me, huh?" he preened, then let out a surprised "Oh!" before smiling again "So it's like a gay parade? That sounds like so much fun! I was never really into human politics, things were a little more lax when you were at sea, but I've heard awful stories of land. I wonder how these festivals are nowadays. I bet you have to sign up for it online, don't you?" He groaned, grumpy "There's always an online aspect for stuff nowadays." he rolled his eyes before looking back at the angel "Do people go to these festivities with their dates?"

“No, I have not talked to Josh in a while. I do it every few months or so, but I hadn’t done it yet this time,” and then Seth noticed he had used his vessel’s name for the first time in front of someone. He never did that for the safety of his vessel’s life. For a moment, the angel got serious and nervous. He trusted Erik, he honestly did, but that had been a major slip that should not have happened. The excitement from the dragon at the mention of the gay parade was enough to distract him and bring his mind back into the previous conversation, “Yes, yes, a gay parade is a good way to describe it,” the Grigori agreed. “No, no there is no need to sign up, we can just go there and I suppose people do bring their dates. This will be the first time I attend. I supported it differently the past years.”

"Josh?" He asked, grinning and propping himself on his elbows to give him a better look. "It's a nice name, suits this face" he said gently running his fingers along his cheek "We should go together" he said simply, his voice much softer, vulnerable. He wasn't used to not knowing if people would tell him yes or no "If you don't have other plans, that is. We could keep your tradition, bake... whatever it is you bake, and then go to this party" he pushed Seth's hair off his face "If you'd like to join me, that is?"

“You seem to like him a lot,” Seth ribbed this time as he leaned into the touch. Now he wondered if Erik would be so interested if his vessel was another one. Perhaps he would ask the dragon, but not now. The angel only wanted to enjoy this for a little longer. “I would like that, yes,” his answer quick and honest. He could sense the uncertainty coming off in waves from Erik and Seth did not like it. He only hoped the dragon could see the eagerness of spending time together was mutual. “We do not need to bake. I would much rather walk around and enjoy the festivities with you. It could be a nice mundane first experience for both of us to share.”

Erik chuckled at that "Jealous?" he hummed, pulling the angel in for a soft kiss "I like you a lot" he corrected, then smiled when Seth accepted his invitation. "That sounds like an amazing plan" the dragon grinned before playfully rolling them around so he could hover over Seth with a smirk, pinning him in place "The only flaw of it is the part where you leave this bed."

A frown tarnished the Grigori’s expression and there was confusion in his eyes, “I do not know how jealousy feels like,” Seth admitted. Learning the vast range of human emotions and experiencing them was a very different thing. Seth had learned a lot in his years as a human but had never gotten attached enough to feel something like love or jealousy. It confused him why Erik found it amusing when he knew it was a feeling normally perceived as negative. That cloud of confusion was quickly removed from his head when the dragon hovered over him and looked at him in such a way. It was beguiling, “I could always share my bed with you tonight if you wish so,” the angel offered as both hands moved to cup Erik’s face.

Erik perked with interest, an almost unbelieving smile on his lips. It was fascinating to see the angel figure things like this out "It feels... warm, but a wrong kind of warm. Like you have an itch that you can only scratch when you get someone's attention back to you" he tried to explain "Which you have, by the way. My attention" he added. The dragon arched an eyebrow at the offer, leaning instinctively his cheek against his hands "How forward of you, inviting me to your bed when the sun has barely awoken" he chuckled, loved the idea. "So we're going to your place after the festival, is that what I'm hearing?"

The frown remained as Seth tried to understand what Erik explained. What he had felt and the way he had worded his question had not been led by the sentiment Erik just described, “It was not jealousy,” his voice soft, “I am not sure what it was, but it did not feel the way you said it,” Seth explained. Hearing he had Erik’s attention did break another feeling he was growing acquaintance with. The concept of feeling butterflies for someone was foreign and unreal, but now he understood it and liked it more than he would express. “I assumed that would be a good compromise since you seem so reluctant of me leaving your bed,” there was a slight tilt of the angel’s head, “Only if you wish so.”

"Well then it wasn't jealousy" he shrugged it off "It makes me wonder though, what are you feeling right now" the dragon smirked at his next words, leaning down to properly crowd over him, pressing their chests together, his elbows against the mattress on each side of Seth's head "I'm reluctant of letting you go" he corrected, bumping their noses together "But the prospect of a day with you is an acceptable compromise."

Erik was very hard to predict. It was probably because he was not human and Seth had only learned not predict human nature. Dragons were impulsive and the angel was aware, but he had never imagined this much. Those words as simple and innocent as it sounded had Seth’s heart racing and the blood rush to his cheeks as he eyes looked down and the corners of his lips showed a nervous smile, “I am feeling too much to describe at the moment, but I can assure you there is not a pinch of ill sentiments,” the angel promised as his blue eyes returned to those dark ones. “You will have to let go of me for a short moment so we can properly repair for the parade,” Seth pointed in a matter-of-fact voice. “Will you not get bored of being around me for so long?”

Seth blushing and stumbling to put his feelings into words was one of the most adorable sights the dragon had seen. "In that case, I'm glad" he said with a smile before pressing their lips together and murmuring against his lips with a knowing smile "That's your cue to take a breath before your heart burst out of your chest." The reminder got him faking a sigh and he rolled off Seth and onto the floor, sliding off the mattress as graciously as possible, getting to his feet "I'm going to need some directions though, I have no idea what kind of outfit is appropriated for the parade" he said before laughing "Oh you could stay for the week and I doubt I'd get bored, love" he smiled brightly before moving away from his bed, purposefully so he wouldn't climb back in "You have ten seconds before I give up on the parade and decide to just hold you hostage in that bed"

Seth was realizing how difficult it was to follow Erik’s line of thoughts or his actions. The constant teasing and flirting were slightly overwhelming but the angel was liking it very much. And those kisses! The Grigori never expected a kiss to feel like that. There was a smile when they broke apart even if his eyes stayed closed for a heartbeat, “Can you hear it?” Seth questioned, “And if that happens it would be dangerous, then why are you so smug about it?” the tease implicit in his words.

Erik letting himself fall to the floor to give Seth some space was the most amusing thing the angel had witnessed so far, “You did not have to do that,” the pout was back as Seth sat up on the mattress. “You only need to be comfortable. The rainbow colors are appreciated, but not mandatory. Some people like to show a lot of skin, some others do not. There is no wrong dress code for this,” The Grigori assured. “I want to believe you, but I do not think it is possible not to get bored of spending so much time with one person,” it was a foreign thought for the angel. “No, please, I am ready to make breakfast and then I will have to leave but we can meet at my apartment in a couple of hours if that is okay,” Seth was already on his feet looking for his discarded clothes.

Erik chuckled at his words, nodding with a smirk "Clear as day" he answered gently before another chuckle "Well because I put that drumming in there, I'm proud of it." Thinking for a little while, Erik pouted "I don't think I have anything rainbow" he complained before smirking "I bet you're one of those who walk around parading all those tattoos, showing every inch of skin you cover every day, don't you?" He joked, because clearly Seth was the opposite. Watching him gather his clothes, Erik leaned down, grabbing one of his socks and stretching his arm offering it "You’re saying you'd get bored of me? I'm wounded, babe." “Are you trying to give my vessel a heart attack?” Seth question with a perfectly practiced serious expression that he did not mean at all and the smile at the end was what gave the angel away. “You do seem to enjoy the reactions you are getting out of me,” Seth stated, “It makes me wonder if you too enjoy the reactions I get from you.”

As he put on his shirt, Seth smiled, “I am sure you will look amazing no matter what you decide to wear,” the angel insisted, and then a bubbly clear laugh slipped from his lips, “I am not sure that goes with my personality, nor Josh’s. I do try to wear something tamer for this,” he did not mention he already had his outfit at his apartment, but Erik would probably guess it by now. The angel took the sock and shook his head, “That is not at all what I meant. I am only saying that I do not believe someone would like to be around me for that long time.” The dragon laughed with an arched brow "Not at all, just like to keep you on your toes" he teased "What reactions do you think you get from me?" He said watching the man move, a pout when he saw him covering those gorgeous tattoos with a shirt.

The laugh got him smiling though, he really liked the sound "Oh so I get a special view then, got it" he licked his lips "Then you'll just need to give me the opportunity to prove you wrong, won't you?"

The angel certainly had grown fonder of Erik’s laugh. He liked seeing that smile lit up his face and the clear ring of his laugh, “You do keep me on my toes for many reasons,” Seth murmured coyly as he moved closer to the dragon and in fact stood on his toes to be able to press a kiss on the taller man’s lips. “I am not quite sure yet, but I am aware there are good reactions, otherwise you would not invite me into your home nor bed anymore.”

Seth wasn’t sure how to answer that. There were few others that the Grigori had laid in bed half-naked with, and as much as he would like Erik to know that. The angel was still being careful to what this between them meant, “I suppose you do for now,” were his only words, the smile clear on his face and voice. “It was not a challenge; it was merely a comment. You do not have to do anything you do not want, Erik.”

Erik chuckled, arching a teasing brow, and then laughing when Seth kissed him. By getting on his actual toes. The dragon held the angel by his hips, keeping him close and leaning down to make it last just a moment longer "Yes, yes, but you don't have to worry your little halo about it, your invitation to my bed is still open" he hummed, then grinned "Oh, you couldn't make me do anything I don't want, love. If I'm spending time with you it's for the sole selfish reason that yes, I want to" and with that he sneaked his hands under his shirt, pulling him in for a claiming kiss for good measure.

Having the dragon keep him close to his warm body certainly caused Seth to feel those butterflies again, “I am glad to hear so, I must admit I do enjoy sharing your bed a lot,” the admission so open that it even surprised Seth himself. The words and kiss were very welcome and the angel let his hands slid from Erik’s naked chest to his neck and into his hair as they kiss. He could tell thing would get heated if they didn’t break apart so reluctantly, he broke apart with a sigh, “If we keep that going, we will not have a proper breakfast.”

Erik hummed "Who'd have thought a mattress on the floor would be my favorite, huh?" he teased with a smirk. The dragon shivered once again when the angel slid his hands up, brushing that x scar ever so slightly. The hand on his hair made him let out a soft moan, and Erik swallowed thickly after the kiss, nodding, and respectfully letting go of his hips, taking a step back "As much as I want to say fuck it to that breakfast, we have plans. And I do want to see you in your element" he took a step closer again, running his fingers gently through Seth's hair, pushing it back "Come on, food awaits."

“It could easily be everyone’s favorite. It is very comfortable and the setting is quite nice,” Seth’s words true and unaware of is Erik meant something different than just the comfortableness of his bed. The sounds falling from the dragon’s lips caused the angel to shiver. It was a reaction he was learning to understand but as with everything that came from Erik, Seth was enjoying it quite a lot. Their breakfast flew by and soon it was time for the Grigori to go back to his apartment to get ready. An hour later, Erik was picking him up so they could go find a nice spot on the main street to watch the parade. Seth was wearing something simple and not too revealing as others on the street. The black cap with the rainbows stripes covering his messy hair and protecting him from the sun. Erik on the other hand was all in black and he was certainly lacking some colors for the festivity, “Would you mind if I try something to get you in a more festive tone?”

Erik was annoyed when he was left alone. He soon realized his closet has mainly consisted of whites and browns and blacks for the past five hundred years of so. Pride seemed to be all about color, but he didn't have any to wear, so instead he focused on looking good and black seemed a nice option. Plus, those leather pants made his butt look really nice.

Seth looked absolutely adorable though and Erik decided that hats suited him. "You look great" he said simply with a smile, then tilted his head to the side curiously at the request "Well, be my guest, love" the dragon answered with a grin, arms open "What do you have in mind?"

“Thank you, Erik, you do look nice too, but I believe a splash of color would help,” and his smile got brighter when he got the dragon’s permission to try something. The angel raised a finger as if indicating the taller man to wait there as he turned around and walked to one of the small stands and talked to the seller. Then he came back with a face crayon with the colors of the flag, “I will need you to lean down for a bit. You are quite tall for me to reach,” Seth said in a soft voice. Once Erik did as he was asked, the angel uncapped the crayon and drew a simple line on Erik’s cheek right above the line of his beard, “There it is! Just enough color,” he beamed proudly at his work of art.

Erik hummed, watching him move. He was chuckling when he leaned down, closing his eyes when Seth held his face still with gentle fingers to draw that line. He had a smile when he opened his eyes back up again "Am I officially in the theme now?" he asked, standing straight again turning around to check himself in the reflection of a parked car nearby. "I like it" he stated, turning back with a grin reaching for the angel's hand to pull him closer "Where to now?"

“Yes, you are,” Seth assured as he capped the crayon and put it in his pocket. The angel was glad to see the dragon honestly approved the silly idea he had to give him some color according to the theme. Even if their mood was light and playful, Seth was not expecting much physical contact in public, therefore he was somewhat surprised when Erik took his hand and pulled him closer. His hand squeezing Erik’s for a moment as he looked up and smiled, “We need to find a nice spot to be able to watch the parade. It will be easy for you with your height, I would need to get closer to the front.”

Erik noticed the man's reaction when he was pulled closer, waiting to see if it would be okay, but the smile he got pushed any question away. "Well" he said "I could always hold you on my shoulders" the dragon smirked, leaning in to say in his ear so the passersby wouldn't hear it "I'd never say no to the opportunity of having your legs around my neck, love, even if it's outside the bedroom" he licked his lips pulling back with a shit eating grin.

Just as Seth was about to decline the offer with the argument that he was probably heavier than he looked like, Erik decided to lean closer and tease him with those suggestive words that only caused the blush on his cheeks to increase to levels he didn’t remember seeing on his vessel’s face. The angel almost choked on his breath and stopped his mind from wandering to form images that would match those words as he looked at Erik and shook his head, “Are you trying to make red my permanent color? You should not tease me with those things. Especially in public,” the angel reprimanded playfully.

Erik basked in the view he got, the smirk now glued to his face "You did mention people were colorful for the parade" he joked, then licked his lips, eyes locked with the angel's "But doing it in public is so much fun" he teased again, knowing full well how dirty that sounded before chuckling and pulling him by the hand. He stopped by the street where the parade was going, somehow managing a nice spot up front where he wrapped his arms around Seth and held him close, the angel's back pressed against his chest so they both could watch the people pass by "Oh wow, you weren't kidding when you said people were colorful!"

Seth only shook his head, unable to stop smiling at how easily the dragon was teasing and getting him all flushed and a little bothered. “You are terrible,” were the angel’s only words as he let Erik pull him by the hand until they found a good spot. It would be impossible for the angel to deny how nice this was, having those arms wrapping around him from behind as he unconsciously leaned back slightly against Erik’s chest, feeling his warmth and heartbeat steady against him. The feeling waking inside of him was still mostly unknown but it was very pleasant. The Grigori looked over his shoulder and smiled, “I did mention it. It is very joyful,” and without hesitation, he placed both his hands on top of Erik’s as he turned back his attention to the parade.

It was certainly a new experience. They danced to the music of the parade here and there, commented on what they were seeing and even got some people in the colorful floats yelling about how adorable they looked. He enjoyed having Seth with him, even just knowing he was at arm's reach was enough to keep that stupid heart in his chest at peace. It was late now and he wasn't sure how long it's been since they arrived, but he could see the sun setting behind the angel's head as he offered him an ice cream cone, keeping one for himself "So. Twenty-four hours with me. Are you bored?" He asked teasingly, taking a bite of his ice cream.

This year’s pride parade was for sure the best Seth had so far. In the past years, he had fun and he enjoyed making people smile when he gifted them decorated cupcakes and cookies. He enjoyed seeing the happy couple walk around hand in hand with a big smile and real pride on their faces. Love could be felt in the air but this time, with him being somehow part of those couples. Having someone to share it with, was something he would cherish a lot. The angel was normally smiley, but he couldn’t remember another time when he had smiled this much.

He accepted the ice cream cone and pretended to think over his answer, “Absolutely not. I must admit there had been the best twenty-four hours I’ve had in a long time,” the angel admitted as he reached to tentatively take Erik’s free hand, “Thank you,” Seth’s words spoken in a gentle tone, “Are we going back to my apartment, or would you rather me escort you to your place?” he asked coyly, clearly remembering how he had promised to share his bed with the dragon the next time they spend the night together.

Erik loved to hear those words, a smile on his face as he rubbed Seth's hand with his thumb "I'm glad to hear that. That was a very different date, but... yeah, I think one of the best" he agreed, then the dragon grinned "Are you offering your services as an escort to me, love?" he teased with a smirk before softening his tone "Wanna go for the 48h mark?"

Seth’s heart fluttered inside his chest at the admission from dragon. It was good to hear they both had felt as comfortable on this unplanned date. “Are you always going to turn my words against me?” the angel asked with an infrequent pout before giving his ice cream an innocent lick. “Only of you think you would be okay spending that many hours with me.”

Erik decided he really liked that view, Seth smiling. "Are you always going to make it that easy?" he teased back with a smile of his own before stepping closer and letting go of his hand. "I think I'd like that a lot" he almost whispered before raising his hand to cup his jaw and kissing his pout away.

#angelseth #para #pride parade #with seth

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canttelliotte-blog · 3 years

Text

Incredibly long, overly detailed post I spent too much time on.

Tl:dr AITA for telling someone they were coming off as an ungrateful, privileged asshole who didn't seem to recognize or truly appreciate what they have? I blew up after a series of encounters, they seemed oblivious to their lifestyle and support and how truly different life could have turned out without it. I called them out after weeks of trying to be empathetic but couldn't take how helpless they were acting when I would kill for the kind the support they were complaining about and taking for granted.

I should use a throwaway because I know this person will probably see this but I don't have the energy. I'll try to keep this short (actually super long sorry) I feel like I already know I was sort of harsh and out of line. This whole thing has just been sticking with me and I feel really messed up about it.

Alright, so context, back story. I had a breakdown in February and tried to kill myself. By some miracle, I got a bed at one of the best mental hospitals on this side of the east coast. After a long history of chronic mental illness, being on disability for years with medicare, getting an opportunity like this was amazing. I had been on waiting lists for months before my attempt, but fate, acuity, and availability all lined up. A true miracle. Unless you have a family with money or amazing health insurance, getting a bed is just extremely difficult at this particular facility.

The reason being, they provide real treatment. Comprehensive, attentive, life-saving treatment. They actually provide real care with empathy, actual therapy, psychiatry, and groups, with educated staff, real food to eat, world-renowned providers, and treatment teams that listen and work with you to come up with effective long-term solutions/aftercare plans that set you up for long term success.

Out of pocket, this place is unfathomably expensive. The more exclusive programs on-campus are for the ultra-elite/ ultra-wealthy, taking celebrities like Selena Gomez. The institution itself is known for its education and research. It is not funded by the state like almost everywhere else. Most state-run facilities are atrocious. a disgusting holding cell, where you're stripped of your clothes, dignity, and rights, fed prison food, overmedicated, physically and chemically restrained, only to be thrown back on the street in 3-5 days with no aftercare, med refills, or plan. Been there, done that, many times, not the point. The point was, I got some really helpful expensive ass treatment by the luck of the draw.

While I was there, I met someone lovely. We instantly connected and expressed interest in one another. They seemed really cool, we talked at length about income inequality and how unfair it was that this kind of treatment wasn't the norm or easily accessible and how unfair that was. They seemed passionate and bright and we got along great. They were set to discharge only a few days after I got there, so we exchanged info before they left. We talked a bunch while I was still there (my discharge was a couple of weeks later) and decided to go on a few dates after I got out.

A few days after I got out, I unintendedly overdosed, confused about my meds, and was incoherent by the time I got to the ER. I was restrained and chemically sedated. I was confused and fought so was deemed severely acute, and got sent to a state-run facility similar to what I described above. It was all very traumatic and I shut down once I got home. I was lucky I made it out semi-okay, that they let me out at all.

I wasn't replying to anyone's messages but the person I had met kept reaching out wanting to hear from me and make sure I was okay. I was embarrassed but it was really sweet and soon we starting talking a lot again and really connecting.

As I got to know them, I definitely thought they were very cool, we seemed to have a lot in common, they made me laugh and we got along really well. I was really digging them and saw us potentially becoming a thing. After talking for some time, we decided to anxiously have our first date. It went okay but something was off.

I didn't really pick up on it at first but the more we talked, the more privileged they offhandedly revealed they were. I know it's judge-y and lame, but that kind of put me off. I've been poor my whole life and struggled hard for everything, it's a whole different world living in poverty, so it made me a bit uncomfortable. I still live in poverty, on disability, with food stamps, and can barely hold it together enough to have a part-time job, but I have no choice. It's rough. I've been homeless, lived in institutions, went through foster care, and have no familial support. I have one of the most serious debilitating mental illnesses. It's been very very hard.

I am biased but I haven't met anyone well off who gets it. Some people don't realize how hard things can be when you've really had nothing, and had to work hard for everything. Even simple things are taken for granted, not understood, or there are miscommunications or assumptions made due to the lack of understanding. That's just my personal experience, it's hard trying to explain things and it's invalidating sometimes, it can be hard to relate or connect due to the lack of understanding.

Honestly, though, it took me by surprise. We had both talked passionately about the struggles of being on disability, the importance of income inequality, how unfair the system is set up, the barriers against the poor receiving adequate mental health treatment. They explained how they advocated for social justice and regularly went to protests. I felt dumb because I did meet them at higher-end facility, but I assumed they ended up there by dumb luck as I did with how they presented and initially came across.

They made it seem like we were in the same boat, poor af, chronically mentally ill, and 4 ever struggling. It was just a surprise because that was very much was not the case.

They moved up here from Florida, (where admittedly their life was much harder and different), but since moving, they were being supported by their aunt and uncle, who were very, very well off. They had a very expensive private practice psychiatrist, multiple treatment providers, and an apartment in a very well-off area, that their aunt owned, so they paid no rent. Their car/insurance/phone everything was paid for.

They seemed to have money to burn, dancing around being well taken care of and not really having to worry. They were on disability though receiving payments and food stamps in addition, not reporting the assistance from their family. When I lightly inquired, they said their grandmother mostly controlled their finances and they didn't deal with bills etc. They spent freely, getting take out almost every night, etc. enjoying all the pleasure of life without a second thought.

I was uncomfortable with this like I said, but they did seem cool and understanding, we did get along and I wanted to give them a chance. I put my biased experience aside and tried to give it a go.

First example that really blew me away was their dog. They had several animals, including a cat and two dogs. Even for someone working, three animals is a huge expense. I only have one cat and while she's my world, it gets hard sometimes. The vet is expensive, litter, food, treats, it adds up. And she's only one animal!!! I provide for her and take care of her, but a $350 vet bill still packs a punch. Of course, I pay it, she's my baby, but it might mean only eating sandwiches for a few weeks. I love her, so I sacrifice, she is worth it in every way, but animals are expensive and a lot of work/responsibility.

When this person and I first started seriously talking, they mentioned the dog they were closest to was very sick with a rare condition. I don't know the full details, but I guess it took a while for the vet to figure out what was wrong, he was on a lot of medications, needed loads of tests and scans. There were weeks of extensive treatments/ blood transfusions, all in a long, painful, and strenuous attempt to save him. They tried for a long time in the hopes he would get better.

He, unfortunately, passed away a few weeks after we started talking. It was devastating to them and I tried my best to be supportive and help them grieve. They were understandably at a huge loss. Their mental health tanked. Their dog meant the world to them, I understand that completely. Pets are family.

A few weeks after he passed. They were talking a little about the course of treatment and how hard it had been and what a long, painful road it was. They kind of casually remarked that his treatment cost over $20,000.

I honestly thought I had misheard. I had to ask twice because I thought they meant $2,000. No. $20,000. $20,000.Holy shit.

I just...$20,000 is what I make in a year. A year. Dogs are family, I totally, totally get that. People will do anything to save their loved ones. A pet is like an uninsured child, even with pet insurance, it can be expensive. I get that. If you have that kind of money, you pay it, without a thought, no problem.

I just... wow. I still couldn't even wrap my mind around it. My cat is my world but it breaks my heart to say, if anything happened to her like that, it would kill me, but I would be forced to put her down. I just couldn't believe, $20,000. And they said it like, no big deal, of course, like anyone would/could afford that, it was obvious, a no-brainer. I just...wow.

Next, kicker. I  came over to hang out one night and watch movies. I had never been to their apartment before. They claimed it had been super messy and they made a big deal about how they had cleaned for me. Sweet, but unnecessary, I get mental illness is tough. It was two bedrooms, all to themselves, decent space and light, but definitely scattered and cluttered. They had a huge king-sized bed, a bidet in the bathroom, and a super nice living room set up. Big comfy couch, loads of nice blankets, and honestly the biggest tv I had ever seen. They joking bragged about having all the streaming options. No kidding. Hulu, Disney plus, Netflix, Amazon, HBO, Paramount, and at least half a dozen more I hadn't even heard of. It just seemed crazy and excessive paying for that many streaming services every month.  But to each their own I guess.

We were both huge fans of anime, and they sort of decided to venture to studio ghibli. They asked if I had seen a particular favorite of theirs. I hadn't. They searched and it was only available to rent. $17. I nearly had a heart attack. I was like no way, we could definitely find it streaming for free somewhere if we look, or watch something else, shortage of options. They were like no it's no biggie that's what I want to watch and clicked rent. Like no problem *sweats intensely* Anytime I spend money, I have a heart attack and second guess it, it takes me like 10 minutes to click buy and my heart always drops when I do. I overthink, whether I really need/deserve it/whether there's a cheaper option, or if it's truly necessary. I know that's a poverty thing. It's just like we could have easily found it somewhere for free with a little effort!

We go to order food, we both have celiac so finding takeout is a chore. They knew the area better so I was trusting them. They were very adamant about ordering expensive sushi. It was $36 for just one of the things they wanted. Not including delivery or tips or fees or anything else, which included appetizers and drinks, the whole nine. I wasn't feeling sushi. They were like fine, we'll order from two separate places then. Double the delivery fee, not something I ever do, it would be cheaper finding a place together, I could get something small and affordable but they wouldn't budge. I didn't really have money to order a big thing on my own, I wanted something small, but I felt pressured. I figured anything I got would be cheaper than having to split a big sushi order I didn't want. I was like okay fine.

They kind of seemed annoyed that I didn't just give in and get sushi. They were a little short with me, didn't give me many options of other places, and were weirdly controlling, not letting me look at their phone to find something. I kind of gave up and said like just a burger is fine. I figured it would be cheap and filling, probably $20 max. I didn't take into consideration that they live in an extremely expensive area. It ended up being almost $30, plus tip. For a burger. I almost wanted to cry. I would have picked somewhere else cheaper given the option. They didn't even tell me the price until after they ordered it. I was like oh how much like $15 and they were so casual like oh no, $30 with tip. When it arrived, it was cold and disgusting, really inedible. I picked at the fries, which gave me a stomach ache as they were not gluten-free friendly and had been cross-contaminated in the fryer. I assumed they picked a place that they knew was safe.

When I wasn't eating, they asked if it was bad. I said yeah and they were like oh well just order something else. Like no, I can't afford anything else, it doesn't work like that. I was like no it's fine I'm not really that hungry. I wanted to say, I trusted you, and you kinda fucked me. I guess they picked that place because there was a gluten-free brownie sundae (prepackaged and not cross-contaminated) on the menu that they really wanted. Obviously more important.

My stomach ached all night. They ate their food happily. No big deal to them, $30 wasted on food I didn't really want, that I couldn't end up eating and got me sick. If it were them, they would have just ordered something else. No big deal to them. It was more important they got their brownie sundae and expensive sushi than making sure I was able to get something edible. Didn't matter that was half my grocery money for the week. Bologna sandwiches it'll have to be then. Awesome.

We spent the night talking, I didn't let on to how sick I was or that I was upset about not being able to choose food. They picked all the movies. I wanted to go home, but it just got later and later, one more movie I just *needed* to see. I asked them several times as the clock was ticking if it was getting too late to drive me home. No, no they were fine. Let's just watch another one. Then casually, they went to their room and brought out their night meds, threw 'em back, and settled into the couch. I started to panic. I asked again, you're taking me home, right? I guess they decided they weren't. I was miles away from home, no public transit running or close by. They were like oh I'm so tired, it got so late. Just order a car. I pulled up uber, $25. That would definitely overdraft my account.

Thankfully, after they saw me sweating and looking panicked, they were like, oh, I feel so bad, I'll order the uber for you. (If they hadn’t, I would have had to explain like, getting home on my own wasn't the plan nor was staying the night. If they thought I would be cool with just staying, they should have said something, if they wanted me to stay, it should have been a discussion, not a surprise.)

I just felt really disrespected. I was simultaneously hungry and sick from dinner, broke and unprepared to stay over with no prior discussion. I didn't have meds, my cat didn't have food out, I was blindsided and essentially stranded/put in an awkward position. They didn't consider that it might be stressful or beyond my limitations to get home. Being able to just roll with punches isn't financially feasible for everyone. It just felt like they were self-centered and inconsiderate. The whole night was what they wanted, what they wanted to eat, where they wanted to order from, what they wanted to watch, changing plans to what was convenient for them without any regard toward how it might impact me. Just inconsiderate and self-centered behavior.

We did keep talking though, I just sort of chalked it up to miscommunication and sort of beat myself up for not speaking up. It was weird though, kept just casually mentioning shit that was so privileged and complaining about shit that made them sound so ungrateful. I don't think they realized how it came across, just completely oblivious to their access to resources and not appreciating their position or supports.

They started talking about starting ketamine treatments to combat their ongoing depression. They had received them in the past and went on about how life-changing and helpful it was, and that everyone should try it. Now, being on disability (and even with most insurances) the treatments are not covered. The clinics that administer them are all out of pocket, bougie as fuck, and extremely expensive.

They talked about having several rounds in the past like it was nothing. It's easily $250-400 a pop and they were going 1-2x a week for a long time. They kept talking about all their options like what a painstaking burden. Should they start with lozenges and work up to IV clinic or ask for patches, and start that way. They wanted to work up to twice a week again but their family was giving pushback. They wanted me to agree with them, saying it was so unfair and lame and unreasonable/closeminded of their family for not immediately agreeing. The same family that would be footing the bill. No, not unfair or unreasonable at all. You sound privileged as fuck.

I was super bothered they were endlessly going on about it and complaining about pushback and asking me to agree with them. My treatment-resistant depression hasn't responded to anything, I've been on every waiting list for MDMA-assisted treatment whenever they pop up but never been selected due to demand and availability. Even ECT is too expensive and not covered. I'd kill for an opportunity like that! And it wasn't even like their family was saying no, they were discussing it in family therapy and seriously considering it.

They talked about it so nonchalantly and kept going on and on about how amazing it was. Like great, tell me all about something else I'll never be able to afford. I'm sure Paris is great, and backpacking across Europe is awesome, like please do tell me more.

I finally mentioned like okay that sounds great, will never able to afford it, glad it's so helpful They told me that I could just buy it off the street. That's what they used to do occasionally. It's only a couple hundred dollars and you get way more. Like oh okay. Let me just not pay a third of my rent in the hopes that this jam band kids ketamine isn't fentanyl or some shit and maybe have a shot at not wanting to kill myself for a week, you know on the off chance it works. Sounds great, super safe, much more affordable. And like as ridiculous as it was to offer that as an alternative, that still wouldn't be something I could afford! They just came off so clueless and privileged and oblivious.

What really got me was how they eventually talked about their family. They did weekly family therapy with their aunt and uncle and occasionally their dad since moving up here. They stayed with their aunt and uncle (lived down the street) more often than not so they weren't alone. This was encouraged/appreciated/welcomed. They did activities together regularly to help with depression and loneliness/ managing symptoms. They had their grandma and brother, whom they saw often and cherished greatly. They portrayed the relationships as really solid and important. I thought wow, truly wholesome and wonderful. They seemed so loved, close, connected, cared for, and supported. Across the board, they had support.

But then tables would turn. They complained often their family was too close, too conservative, and not understanding. They didn't want them so involved in their life, their treatment, decision-making, and recovery process. They resented the support, complained they weren't a kid and were capable/in sound mind to make decisions/have control of their life. I tried to listen and be understanding but I didn't get it. They came off almost like a spoiled, ungrateful teenager.

You're getting help, love, and support all around, everyone wants to support you and see you do well and will give whatever that takes. Like legitimately whatever ?!? You don't have to work, pay for anything, and it is made sure you don't have to struggle for anything. Anything you need, you've got.

I get the concept that having family so close/involved could be crippling or invasive or just downright unproductive. But it was such a slap in the face they would complain to me of all people about having that kind of support.

Family/support is such a foreign concept to me personally. Like I said, I grew up in foster care. I've never had family involved, healthy relationships, or any sort of support like that. The concept of calling your aunt when you're sad and she offers kind words, support, and tells you to come over to do something fun? Like, can't relate. I could only take so much of them complaining about being taken care of.

Living with extreme mental illness, not being able to work for periods of time, living solely on disability paychecks and food stamps is damn is impossible to survive, especially where we live. Without the help they were being given, they wouldn't be able to survive. The cost of living is out of control, you can't even rent a room with a single disability payment. I know, I'm doing it. It takes everything for me to keep a part-time job, barely making enough to make ends meet. But if I don't. I'm homeless again. No matter what, no matter how bad symptoms get. And I have one of the hardest, most debilitating mental illnesses. I don't have any other choice.

Their aunt would pay for them to go to school or learn a trade or anything they wanted. They have a world-renowned private practice doctor that prescribes them literally anything they could want or need to help and they have a great bond/ working relationship. I have a psych who can barely remember my name and sees me for 5-15 minutes maybe once or twice a month. I was asking for medications recently to get through a hard time, nothing serious, but my state-assigned psych does not prescribe benzos. Period. Neither does my PCP. It's state rehab or psych facility for me or bust. Another thing they take for granted. They almost bragged to me about immediately getting two heavy-duty benzos and another maintenance medication, just by saying their panic attacks were slighting increasing. Meanwhile. I was at risk for DT's after relapsing and begging for basic Librium to maybe not die and was denied.

The real reality of being on disability is the bare minimum or bad treatment. My psychologist is thankfully amazing but it took 10 years and hitting absolute rock bottom and being homeless to find her. She's a diamond in the rough but only works with the sickest of the sick. I would be in a state institution right now if it weren't for her and I avoided it by the skin of my teeth.

So here's where I'm probably the asshole. After weeks, I broke. We were texting as usual and they started to sort of mope and complain. They were venting about having a hard time again and how symptoms were bad and there was just nothing they could do and it was so hard. They started going on about how helpless they were and how there was no opportunity to get better and everything was just super hard and impossible for them and how rough they had it. Their family was checking in on them too much and they were annoyed at them for being concerned and that they had no options and no chance and everything was just so hard and impossible.

I understand, that's depression. I'm pretty empathetic and understanding and have been up to this point but it just felt like the rich person complaining to the homeless guy sleeping on the street, how awful it was they forgot their umbrella that day, and how unfortunate it was to be getting wet. I just wanted to scream. If you're anxious take your benzos, take your other meds! Call your aunt. Text your on call therapist. Call your fancy psych who answers night and day. Utilize any of the resources you have and all the support you are given!

I was just tired of it. Things in my life have been super difficult, especially lately, and I have to figure it out alone. The voices were getting loud again which lead to a bad relapse that went off the rails, which I had to pull out of completely unassisted. I am in between jobs, my housing isn't stable, my bank accounts are low, my mental health is chronic and very severe, my treatment team was threatening to section me if I didn't reel it in. Things were bad. But I deal with it, alone.

I know it was wrong of me, but I couldn't take it. They have everything to help themselves!!! They could go to a fancy hospital, they could ask all their supports for help! They would receive the best care. All the medicines, the best treatment. Anything.

I basically kind of spelled it out for them. You have privilege, you have support, you have money, resources, a great treatment team, family, everything... please for the love of God, USE IT! You wouldn't have to worry about losing your job going into treatment, you wouldn't lose your housing. You wouldn't have to worry about falling behind on bills. You'd be fine.

How can you not see or appreciate all you have and or see how oblivious and privileged you come across and how hurtful that is? You're complaining to the wrong person.

I went on a bit too long. I was definitely coming from a place of hurt, mental illness, and jealousy. I wasn't trying to make them feel bad, I just wanted them to understand. That kind of support would make all the difference for so many that are struggling. They are sitting with gallons of water around them, complaining to be inconsolably parched and that don't know what to do, all while sort of offhandedly bragging about how much water they have and how they can easily get more. I've been carefully conserving a 16 oz Poland spring bottle, rationing for weeks not knowing if/when I will be able to refill. They aren't alone, expected to make it on just disability. They weren't recognizing their position, how they were coming across, how hurtful that was. I didn't get anyone to catch me, love me, support me. This is the real reality of living with extreme mental illness on disability looks like without that opportunity or support. This is hard fucking work. We are not the same. You got lucky. Now do something with it.

They ended up calling me a dick, saying I didn't understand, that I was being cruel and mean for no reason. We haven't talked since. I do feel bad, I just couldn't take it anymore.

So if you made it this far, lay it on me, AITA?

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literary-masochism · 4 years

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Midnight Sun: Chapter 2 - Bella is an Eldritch Abomination

So... I managed to finish the first chapter with only a day break in the middle of it instead of the year or so break I had to take with Twilight. I was hoping that, since this chapter starts off in a completely original place that it'll be... I don't know... less painful? Easier?

That was a lot to hope for, wasn't it?

Instead, it took a bit over two weeks to get through this chapter. It'd take me an hour to get through a page because of all the bad.

But hey! I got it done and now I can enjoy a nice slice of red velvet cake.

Chapter Two: Open Book

Edward, unable to control his 'monster', has fled to Alaska where he can mope while blending into the snowy scenery like the lump of ice he is. He's slumped down in a snow bank, describing it as 'velvet under his skin'. Not sure how because he's definitely heavy enough to crush snow into slush but I guess Meyerpires are Tolkien Elves as well.

Also, Meyerpires see stars as if they were pained by Van Gogh

The sky above me was clear, brilliant with stars, glowing blue in some places, yellow in others. The stars created majestic, swirling shapes against the black backdrop of the empty universe—an awesome sight. Exquisitely beautiful. Or rather, it should have been exquisite. Would have been, if I’d been able to really see it.

But, of course, Edward has to ruin it by doing this:

When I stared up at the jeweled sky, it was as if there were an obstruction between my eyes and its beauty. The obstruction was a face, just an unremarkable human face, but I couldn’t quite seem to banish it from my mind.

Another vampire by the name of Tanya (further proof that Meyer subconsciously hates someone (me) that she's never met – Tanya's my given name) is sneaking/not sneaking up on Edward's mope party and... there's a line I'm a bit confused by...

I think Edward's calling Tanya 'exquisite'. I guess Edward just learned that word from his word-a-day calendar because he's used it 3 times already and it's been a bit more than half a page.

She mentally calls out 'Cannonball' and does a flying jump into the snowbank and, in an astounding turn of events, she doesn't land lightly on top of the loose snow, leaving no trace of her dive but instead actually sends up a spray of snow over Edward because fuck that guy.

Sorry, not snow but 'feathery ice crystals'.

Edward sighs and accepts his fate of being mildly snowed upon as the face of the Void haunts his every thought. Or something.

Tanya, concerned that Edward was becoming one with winter and would soon be lost to them all, digs him out of the snow and apologizes, saying 'it was a joke'.

He assures her it was funny (it wasn't) then continues to cry into his metaphorical pint of ice cream.

They have a short conversation about how Tanya thinks she's annoying Edward by coming onto him nonstop and Edward admits to being uncomfortable by it. Tanya isn't used to rejection and mentally gives Edward a slideshow of all the sex she's had over the years.

Gross. And also sexual harassment.

Edward mopes about how much of a coward he is and how, no matter where he goes, he'll just be running away from Forks. Tanya tells him to grow a pair and just go back to Folks (not those exact words) and tries to steal a liplocky kiss which Edward dodges.

With her plan to deflower Edward thoroughly ruined, she pouts with a 'you're welcome, I guess' and leaves – hopefully to never bother us again.

She was on her feet in one nimble move, and then she was running away, ghosting across the snow so quickly that her feet had no time to sink in. She left no prints behind her.

Fucking Elves...

Anyway, Edward curls up in a fetal position to stare in the general direction of the stars that he can't see because the Void takes up all his vision.

He finally gets off his ass and Legolases his way back to the car and every Tolkien fan weeps.

I just want to point out that Tolkien elves leave no footprint because they are considered otherworldly and are three quarters literal spirits.

Meyer considers her vampires to be 'of science' (and I'm assuming Meyer means the kind of science that says the earth is flat and vaccines make you autistic). Now, I admit I'm not the best at math or science but...

Bull. Shit.

The implication here is that the vampires are going so fast over the snow that their feet don't have time to sink into the snow and leave a mark. But the thing is: it's not an issue of speed, it's an issue of weight. Running is basically pushing your weight forward and to do that your feet push down. The more you weigh, the deeper your feet sink in.

This is powdery snow. A too harsh sneeze is going to leave a mark.

This is not the first time Meyer has a problem with her overpowered vampires and them breaking the very basics of physics.

No, Meyer, Edward can't run into the bathroom, fill up a glass with water, and run back to Bella's room in a blink of an eye. Yes, Edward can be that fast... the sink isn't.

Sure, Edward can hear any other human on the road and adjust his driving that way... can he hear the deer that might be crossing in front? And even if his reflexes are the fastest in the west... a car has momentum and inertia that has nothing to do with vampire speed/reflexes/whatever other excuse.

If I was doing segments or counters or something, this would be the first in “Meyer doesn't understand basic science'.

Please, let me know if I'm wrong about this. I'd love a science lesson on things like this...

With that out of the way, I checked the leaked PDF for this part and... some of the trash was taken out. That's something at least.

Anyway, back in Forks...

The Cullens walk into the school cafeteria (calling it 'run-down' which is the only time I can recall it being called such) like a bomb is about to explode at any moment. Alice is so focused on watching the future that Jasper has to lead her around by the arm. Emmett is walking around like a bodyguard and Rose is already done with this bullshit.

Way to not draw attention to yourselves.

We also get told that they actually had a very fun morning, having a snowball fight (aka pelting Edward with snow until that got boring) and how it's such a drastic change from how tense everything is now.

Meyer, you know what would have really set off that difference? IF YOU ACTUALLY WROTE THAT INSTEAD OF TELLING US IT HAPPENED.

I can even tell you how to do you could have done that while adding to the tension. You could have had Edward waiting by the car since five in the morning after having Esme and Carlisle give him a pep talk all night and hearing Emmett and Jasper plotting ways to break the tension. You can have him getting annoyed by having to avoid the snowballs before finally getting into the car to put a stop to it. You can have Esme thinking positive thoughts at him and giving him a thumbs-up while they drive away.

You could have had character, relationship, and world building but... no. No, instead we get straight to the whining, no more aware of just what is at stake than we were before.

This writing fucking sucks.

Edward listens to all the thoughts around him. He's absolutely certain Bella told everyone how he traumatized her with his mean looks so surely everyone would be gossiping about them!

Have you see how mean he looked at Bella a week ago?! Surely they're not human if one of them can give a random girl such a mean look!

You see how stupid that is, Meyer?

A normal girl would have asked around, compared her experience to others’, looked for common ground that would explain my behavior so she didn’t feel singled out. Humans were constantly desperate to feel normal, to fit in. To blend in with everyone else around them, like a featureless flock of sheep. The need was particularly strong during the insecure adolescent years. This girl would be no exception to that rule.

bEcAuSe BeLlA iSn'T lIkE oThEr GiRlS.

Also, fuck you.

Edward is amazed by how shy Bella must be to not have told anyone that he gave her a nasty look! He wonders if she told her father but decides she must be closer to her mother but he'll have to read Charlie's thoughts just to be sure.

Edward, of course, doesn't know Bella holds her father in contempt and seems to utterly loath him until the plot requires otherwise.

As he's listening to the entire student body, he informs us that, a week ago when he went to Carlisle to get his car, they had a talk about how vampire powers always got stronger and never went away which was what Edward was worried about.

WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE TO SEE THAT TOO!

They're all amazed that Bella didn't spill the beans about how mean they can look at people. As Bella's coming in, they all try to act normal.

So Emmett throws a snowball he had hidden in his ice-cold hand and threw it at Alice who, seeing it coming, flicked it away so that it flew across the very large room and hit a brick wall... cracking said wall.

You maybe be wondering why the snowball didn't break as soon as it hit her fingers... Shut up, that's how!

“Very human, Emmett,” Rosalie said scathingly. “Why don’t you punch through the wall while you’re at it?”

“It would look more impressive if you did it, gorgeous.”

Okay, I can forgive it for this line.

Edward checks to see if their 'acting' worked. Bella is standing in the lunchline – not moving at all to the point where people have to check to make sure she didn't have a stroke or something. Bella claims she feels sick and Edward gets a rage boner over Mike getting worried for her.

Also: Translucent skin.

Edward realizes he was showing human emotion by worrying about Bella so much that he calls himself an idiot for acting like the 'dimwitted' Mike Newton and vows to stop worrying about stupid things aka Bella.

We know how that goes.

And, in case you forgot/didn't know that Emmett killed a little old lady...

“Ease up, Edward,” Emmett said. “Honestly. So you kill one human. That’s hardly the end of the world.”

“You would know,” I murmured.

Emmett laughed. “You’ve got to learn to get over things. Like I do. Eternity is a long time to wallow in guilt.”

Also, does Emmett not know that Edward went on a murder spree? Emmett, we know, killed two people, maybe a few more... Edward killed, at least, a several dozen.

Edward don't feel guilty about shit.

To help make them look normal, Alice throws ice in Emmett's face so he shakes his head, releasing a 'deluge' of melted snow everywhere. Apparently, Emmett's head can hold a lake's worth of water or Meyer doesn't understand what 'deluge' actually means.

Also, the Cullens are notorious for being closed off, strange, and weird. From the first chapter, they sit in silence, not talking to each other, not even looking at each other. Wouldn't this sudden play fight be so out of character for them that it would draw the entire of... everyone in the room? This would be like if your stern, religious grandmother decided to throw a rave.

Somehow, no one else seems to notice the extremely out of characterness of the Cullens but Edward does catch Bella looking at them again. Edward tries to listen to her thoughts because maybe this time it'll work.

Guess what? She's still a void.

What follows is Meyer trying really hard to make Jessica unlikable to retroactively make Bella's assholery towards her in the previous books seem justified.

Edward catches on to Bella trying to ignore him. When lunch is over, the Cullen's stay at their table, waiting on him to decide what he's going to do and...

Would I go to class, sit beside the girl, where I could smell the absurdly potent scent of her blood and feel the warmth of her pulse in the air on my skin?

'feel the warmth of her pulse in the air on my skin'

I know what Meyer is trying to say but... there are a LOT better ways of saying it.

The whole Cullen family discussed what Edward's choices were and the consequences would mean... also pointing out that they are all, more or less, monsters who don't give a flying fuck about humans in any meaningful way. If ants could give a fuck, the Cullens would give less of a fuck than an ant's fuck. That's how little fucks they give in regards to humans.

Carlisle disapproves but isn't going to stop Edward if decides to get to chomping.

Jasper disapprove too but more in a 'Why does Edward get to kill people but not me?' kind of way.

Rosalie wonders how Edward fucking up is going to ruin her day.

Alice is useless (as always)

Esme thinks Edward 'can do no wrong' so I guess she'll probably be very proud and impressed by how good of a murder he is. I mean, he did murder her abusive ex-husband...

And Emmett was just remembering all the murdering he did and how fun that was and decided to poke the bear that is Jasper into remembering how tasty humans are.

So, yeah, fuck all these guys.

I don't think I touched on this previously but I know pointing out the monstrous things the Cullens do seems counter-productive and hypocritical. Vampires are monsters and I'm angry they act like monsters? No. I'm angry because they claim they're not monsters and then wave off whatever evil they do as inconsequential because of their lifestyle.

A vampire wants to be good? Great, I want to see that conflict in their nature. I want to see them fight against their nature and see the guilt from their past. I want to see the pain and struggle so that we they fail or succeed it has a real, emotional payoff. I love those stories.

The Cullens... don't have that. There's lip service towards it but it's only skin-deep. None of them really seem to care about human lives (Bella being the exception) and it shows. They may act nice enough (and barely even that) but that doesn't make them good.

Their search for redemption/a normal life/whatever else they claim to want is like a smug billionaire talking about how they had to settle for the solid gold napkin rings because a diamond encrusted one clashed too much with their aesthetic but that's the price one has to pay I guess. Life truly is suffering.

Their sincerity rings false and it shows.

Back to this shit show and, in a genuinely surprising turn of events, Jasper 'Murder-boner' Hale tells Edward to take it slow, maybe even go home. Yes, Jasper is a bit smug that Perfect Edward was struggling but it's still better advice than any of these other murderers have suggested.

But, of course, Edward's pride is more important than these insignificant humans so he stays.

Edward decides to go, of course he does, but he also remembers how he promised himself that he wouldn't get 'unduly interested' in Bella because she's the void. He seems to have forgotten that, in the same breath, he vowed to figure out what she was thinking no matter what.

(But we already know everyone in this book has a selective memory when it comes to moving the plot along.)

He wonders if staring into the void will somehow help him figure out what she's thinking.

He hurries his butt to class, making sure we know what each individual 'sibling' feels about this. He gets to class before it starts and sees Bella doodling on her folder. He thinks that this will be a peek into Bella's thoughts...

… and he's disappointed that it's just circles within circles (though now I wonder if a picture of the drawings from The Ring might not have been better). He does the thing I hate where Meyer sucker punches us with a hint concerning Bella's actions from the first book: he concludes that she must to be thinking of something other than what she's actually doodling.

As he sits down, he notices her 'deer in headlights, if I don't move the car can't see me' approach to being near him and, in a moment of true human emotion, he promises himself he'll try and leave a better impression this time so she's not so scare of him.

Just kidding, he's going to leave a good impression to gaslight the fuck out of her into thinking she just imagined him giving her a mean look.

He gives her his most polite smile, careful not to show his teeth. I don't know why because Meyerpires don't have fangs.

Bella stares at him in wide-eyed confusion which is, apparently, the exact expression he's been daydreaming about for the last week.

...okay? Weirdo.

He stares into her eyes, telling us all the shades of brown they are (milk chocolate but clearer like tea because I guess Meyer didn't realize tea can be pretty dark) and about the flecks of color in them that isn't brown (basically bright green and yellow only described with more purple prose) and never realizing that means her eyes are hazel which I find hilarious after the big deal they made about losing Bella's dark brown eyes due to the food meter vampire eyes they have.

To Edweirdo's surprise, he finds he can't hate her anymore.

I approve because at least we get to see this tiny bit of actual falling in love here that was, as far as I'm concerned, completely and utterly absent in the rest of the series. Seriously, it was getting awkward with them getting married and her pushing out a kid and I'm still waiting for any hint that they're actually in love.

It's a nice change of pace.

Edward stares her into submission and claims he didn't have a chance to introduce himself and, being the gentleman he is, he reminds her of her own name, in case she forgot.

Bella, having forgotten that new students usually get introduced to the class and that, after a week of being at school, most people would know her preferred calling... asks how the person sitting next to her knows her nickname.

I must have truly terrified her, and this made me feel guilty. I laughed gently—it was a sound that I knew made humans more at ease.

“Oh, I think everyone knows your name.” Surely, she must have realized that she’d become the center of attention in this monotonous place. “The whole town’s been waiting for you to arrive.”

The thing is: she does know she's the center of attention because she bitched about it nonstop in the first book! Which makes the 'Isabella/Bella' thing even more stupid.

She frowned as if this information was unpleasant. I supposed, being shy as she appeared to be, attention would seem like a bad thing to her. Most humans felt the opposite. Though they didn’t want to stand out from the herd, at the same time they craved a spotlight for their individual uniformity.

Fuck off! Just fuck off!

I had to take a break after that stupid just so I could deal with the stupidity of the rest of the page.

I know it's a stupid thing to get hung up on but Meyer plays Edward knowing Bella's name as the first hint that he can read minds and... it's really not a good example. Especially with how Edward reacts to it:

I’d just realized what her questions meant: I had slipped up—made an error. If I hadn’t been eavesdropping on all the others that first day, then I would have addressed her initially by her full name. She’d noticed the difference.

I felt a pang of unease. It was very quick of her to pick up on my slip. Quite astute, especially for someone who was supposed to be terrified by my proximity.

Yes, you heard it all the time that first day and probably the first day back since that's her preferred name. Everyone calls her that, especially by now. It's not a hard thing to pick up on. Edward acts as though she's going to call him out on his vampirism any moment now. It's not only stupid but it's a bad plot device to try and convince us how astute Bella is when, really, it's just Edward being paranoid because despite being a vampire around humans since 1920, he has no idea how to act around them and has never made the effort.

To make matters worse, his coping mechanism around Bella is to not breath... and he needs to do that now if he wants to keep talking to her. Because not talking to her would be 'incomprehensible rude'. Because that's what matters here: politeness.

Edward needs a cheekily little breath and...

Ahh!

It was intensely painful, like swallowing burning coals.

Meyer... when people go 'Ahh!' after taking a breath, or having a drink, or anything refreshing really, it's because they're expressing relief... not because they're in sudden pain.

We get the same awkward (in a good way because teenagers are supposed to be awkward) 'Ladies first' exchange concerning the microscope.

Bella just stares at him blankly...

… and having seen the darkness that surrounds and inhabits every living thing in the universe, he says he can start if she likes and to please not consume his consciousness to feed her insatiable appetite.

I added the last part but I feel it was implied.

She insists she goes first and, fearing for his soul/consciousness/whatever, he agrees. She says it's prophase. He asks to check it and:

Instinctively—stupidly, as if I were one of her kind—

Gotta make sure we know he thinks humans are stupid. You know, in case you forgot.

Their hands briefly touch and they're zapped with the Static Shock of Twu Wuv though Meyer plays it off as Bella's skin feeling so hot against Edward's cold, disgusting, yucky, cootie-ridden hand. He wonders what she must think after touching his horrible, icy skin and concludes she must be repulsed by him.

Or, you know, think you were having a snowball fight with your siblings during lunch. Or that you have poor circulation. Or that it's fucking Forks and everything is cold.

Also, Meyerpires's relation to temperature doesn't make sense unless they are a literal heatsink. Their temperature don't settle into that of the area around them, like other dead things/rock, but just absorbs heat nonstop. But that's a complaint we'll see again later.

Terrified that if he glanced into the void once again his mind would become consumed with madness, he does the next slide in their assignment. She asks to check his answer since turnabout is fairplay. Except Edward has, apparently, never heard of this and is shocked that this lowly hooman/eldritch being might think he's wrong!

But he sees the hopeful look on her skinless face and can't help but smile because Mood Whiplash is something else Meyer doesn't get. Bella is disappointed to find Edward is right but decides to spare his sanity in order to fuck with mine:

I dropped the next slide into her palm, keeping my skin far from hers this time. Sitting beside her was like sitting next to a heat lamp. I could feel myself warming slightly to the higher temperature.

THAT IS NOT HOW... HE CAN'T JUST GET HEAT FROM... AMBIENT TEMPERATURE...

They finish the assignment first because of fucking course they did and then we get this:

Wish he’d stayed wherever he went, Mike thought, eyeing me sulfurously.

Mike thought, eyeing me sulfurously.

eyeing me sulfurously.

sulfurously.

THAT IS NOT A PROPER WORD. EVEN IF IT WAS, THAT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE.

WAS MIKE EYEING YOU SO HARD YELLOWISH VAPOR THAT SMELLS OF ROTTING EGGS WAS COMING OUT? DID HIS EYES TURN YELLOW INSTEAD OF YOURS?!

BECAUSE THAT IS EVERY MEANING FOR SULFUROUS, MEYER JUST ADDED 'LY' TO THE END BECAUSE SHE HATES ME AND EVERYONE ELSE.

Okay, I'm calm now.

Edward is surprised about how much Mike seems to hate him. Way to go on that whole 'Keep track of everyone's thoughts in case the townsfolk have a sudden interest in pitchforks and torches' thing.

He's also surprised to find the feeling is mutual. I'm surprised because Edward already hates everyone and everything so why is this new information?

Edward admits he understands Mike's attraction, that Bella is actually kinda pretty for a human...

Fuck you.

...but in an 'unusual' way.

Better than being beautiful, her face was… unexpected. Not quite symmetrical—her narrow chin out of balance with her wide cheekbones

Aka: a heart shaped face which is actually a very common face shape and classically attractive.

extreme in the coloring—the contrast of her light skin and dark hair

Also a very feature that we see over and over again in conventionally attractive actors/models/what have you.

and then there were the eyes, too big for her face, brimming over with silent secrets.…

Eyes that were suddenly boring into mine.

Bella decides to spare his consciousness but only so she could send it out of his body, trapping him in the nothingness between atoms to witness the everlasting and all encompassing void and know nothing else for all eternity.

Nah, she was just wondering why his eyes are all sulfurously yellow and weird looking.

Edward:

We get a long paragraph of Edward explaining that yes, his eyes are different because he ate all the Bambis and Bambis's Moms in the forest though he used more words than that.

He then calls himself an idiot for not realizing why Bella was asking about contacts.

He tells us that in the two years of being in that school that no one every looked at them close enough to notice their eye colors – despite them being extremely beautiful and attractive – because once they get a glimpse of their beauty, they're disgusted by them and have to look away because humans are just so stupid, you know?

Why did it have to be this girl who would see too much?

In reality, she ain't seen shit. Though, with Meyer goggles firmly in place...

The teacher comes to investigate why these two monsters aren't working, being the creep who, according to Meyer, fantasized about Bella, his underaged student, when she first moved to Forks, decides wemins can't science and assumes Edward did all the work.

Upon learning that Bella answered most of them, the teacher reevaluates his life and how, maybe, the female population aren't as dumb as he thought and thus deserve to be more than masturbation fodder for him.

Or Bella can just admit she already did this assignment in her much better, city-based school she went to before, thus helping to undermine her contribution as well as her intelligence.

Neither make Meyer look particularly good because, even if she didn't write the teacher lusting after his students into the text, she did reveal it elsewhere and thus can be argued to be canon.

Also: Banner calls Bella 'Isabella' but he doesn't have the excuse of fleeing the country for a week. Does he never do roll call? Has she never corrected him in that week? Has he completely missed her signing her work with 'Bella'?

Truly, the most mysterious thing that has happened so far.

Anyway, Banner is shocked that Bella's already did the assignment because he pulled it from a senior class...

So... did he not actually tell them what to look for? No chapter to read, no diagrams drawn/projected on the board? He just... pulled out some slides, told them words they might not have even covered, then set them to it?

What a fucking asshole.

Also, googling it I can find lessons on mitosis going back to Middle School.

At this rate the art teacher will be shocked that Bella can draw a triangle.

Also:

She was advanced, then, intelligent for a human. This did not surprise me.

Fuck you.

Banner walks off, muttering to himself about kids these days, not instinctively knowing science because he sure as fuck isn't going to teach it to them.

Edward is ashamed of his 'slips' in the past thirty minutes and is still completely sure that Bella is not only terrified of him but suspects something. He's determined to leave a good impression on her because... gaslighting.

Edward tries some small talk he heard the hoomans around them doing (because after 17 years of BEING human and several decades of pretending to be human, he still has no idea how to human).

He brings up the snow melting and how that sucks, huh?

She stares into his mind and rips every memory, thought, hope, and dream he's ever had and sends the shreds into the void where they belong.

Her reaction of 'Not really' sends him for a loop. Thankfully, he's a vampire which makes him so much smarter than everyone else in existence and he puts together that she's probably from a much warmer place (because her albino skin still seems somehow tanned to him) and thus must hate all this cold weather!

He announces his revelation: “You don't like the cold.”

She agrees and tacks on that she doesn't like the wet either.

Edward's reaction is fucking hilarious:

“Forks must be a difficult place for you to live.” Perhaps you should not have come here, I wanted to add. Perhaps you should go back where you belong.

That was nice, wasn't it? But now we get this:

I wasn’t sure I wanted that, though. I would always remember the scent of her blood—was there any guarantee that I wouldn’t eventually follow her? Besides, if she left, her mind would forever remain a mystery, a constant, nagging puzzle.

But, remember, he's not going to obsess over her just because he can't read her mind.

What I think Meyer is trying to do is create tension via internal conflict but this... isn't how you do that. Not well anyway. All she's done is have Edward mentally contradict himself over and over again. To do this properly, I feel, he should mentally say he's not going to do thing but actually, physically, catching himself doing it.

He can claim he doesn't want to know about Bella's thoughts then try and sneak a peek at her notebook to see what she's written just in case it's not notes.

That's a little bit better than this flip-flopping we got going on now. Not much, but better.

Back to this slop:

Bella shows Edward how Not Like Other Girls she is because she never answers how Edward expects! Because, as we've seen, Edward is just a master of human behavior.

He 'demands' to know why Bella moved here if she hates Forks so much but realizes he probably sounded very rude and impolite.

Fuck off Meyer. I know what you're trying to do but all the 'Oh, that was so rude!' doesn't make this asshole a gentleman.

Bella gives him the 'It's complicated' not answer and Edward 'implodes out of curiosity'. Surely it'd be implodes with curiosity? Or was Meyer trying to be clever and switch around implode/explode without thinking about the meaning?

WORDS MEAN THINGS

But Edward's 'curiosity' overpowers his thirst for a moment and all I can think of is:

Edward assures her he can keep up, mentally rejoicing that she's answering his questions and that, despite it being 'rude', if he keeps asking she just may keep answering!

Edward has just figured out how conversation works. It only took him a century to do it.

She doesn't answer him immediately, instead staring down at her hands. He wants to see into her void-eyes, longing to be reduced to nothingness, to feel freedom from this existence and the prison that is sanity, but he can't risk reaching out to touch her.

She suddenly looks up to meet his eyes. Why suddenly? I think she just remembered she existed and someone asked her a question.

She tells him, sorrowfully, that her mother got remarried.

“That doesn’t sound so complex,” I said, my voice gentle without my working to make it that way. Her dejection left me oddly helpless, wishing there was something I could do to make her feel better. A strange impulse.

Does anyone even use dejected anymore? Or at least not at the intensity that it used to be? Because when I hear dejected, I just think of the 'aw man, I didn't get the lead role in the school play!' kind of sad.

Also, kinda pointless because we know the reason for Bella's 'dejection', is because she just really hates the rain and mocking her father's lack of a love life or relationship with his only child gets old quick.

He asks if Bella doesn't like her new stepdad but Bella corrects him because she actually does like him. Which completely ruins whatever fantasy Edward was concocting in his head that we don't get to read in this first person narrative, it probably was going along the lines of this little tidbit of information:

Originally, Phil the Stepdad was the principal of her high school and there may or may not have been sexual abuse between him and Bella... thankfully, Meyer's editor told her to cut that shit out. I get the feeling Meyer read/heard of Lolita and thought it was a romance.

They talk about Phil some more, Bella smiling every time he's mentioned which is really making me uncomfortable considering the aforementioned information.

Edward is desperately trying to figure out who Phil is by mentally going over not only the professional ballplayer's rosters but the minor leagues as well. Because, as we know, Edward is a huge baseball fan. I mean, all the times he went on and on about his love of baseball in Twilight. That little story about he's the one who was enough of a nerd to get the family baseball jerseys? So endearing.

Too bad it never happened.

Characterization? In Twilight?

He makes the assumption, which he admits is an assumption, that Bella was sent off so her mother could go travel. Bella objects, saying she sent herself. Edward, master human impersonator, doesn't understand why she's upset by his assumption that she's treated as a piece of property to be sent off at the first sign of inconvenience. That's how women are still treated, right?

“No, she did not send me here,” she said, and her voice had a new, hard edge to it. My assumption had upset her, though I couldn’t quite see how. “I sent myself.” I could not guess at her meaning, or the source behind her pique. I was entirely lost.

Oh, fuck no...

There was just no making sense of the girl. She wasn’t like other humans. Maybe the silence of her thoughts and the perfume of her scent were not the only unusual things about her.

It's going to get worse from here. I've been dreading this part.

There's still so many pages in this chapter i'm gonna die

Edward admits he doesn't get it because he's a dumbass so Bella stares deep into his eyes and decides his consciousness isn't worth the dignity of being torn asunder and tells it to him like he's a damn child.

“She stayed with me at first, but she missed him,” Bella explained slowly, her tone growing more forlorn with each word. “It made her unhappy… so I decided it was time to spend some quality time with Charlie.”

“And he has like, pictures of me as a child on the fireplace mantel. Like, how fucking sad is that?”

Edward tells us he keeps saying his theories out loud... like we haven't noticed. Because Meyer has to pad this bitch out somehow and we already know this scene because she's written the same book three times.

Okay, everybody! Who's ready to get pissed off?!

“But now you’re unhappy,” I murmured. I kept speaking my hypotheses aloud, hoping to learn from her refutations. This one, however, did not seem as far off the mark. “And?” she said, as if this was not even an aspect to be considered. I continued to stare into her eyes, feeling that I’d finally gotten my first real glimpse into her soul. I saw in that one word where she ranked herself among her own priorities. Unlike most humans, her own needs were far down the list. She was selfless.

Bella is to selfless as wet is to fire.

I could go on and on with examples but I'm assuming you guys have read Twilight or at least snarks of it. You know everything I could say and more.

Let's just... let's just move on...

Edward says that doesn't sound fair and Bella informs him life isn't fair... Though we know Bella just doesn't like Forks and would throw tantrum after tantrum, ruining the few visits she had with her father growing up until he had to take time off work and spend money he probably didn't have to rent them a place in California for their visits. But sure, she's selfless.

To be honest, I'm not even sure why she said she'd come to Forks. She doesn't like her father so it definitely wasn't to spend time with him. Her mother's a teacher so maybe she didn't want Bella missing school by coming with them even though home school is a thing.

Let's face it, Meyer just needed an excuse to get Bella to Forks.

I was not ready to let this conversation end. The little v between her eyes, a remnant of her sorrow, bothered me. “You put on a good show.” I spoke slowly, still considering this next hypothesis. “But I’d be willing to bet that you’re suffering more than you let anyone see.” She made a face, her eyes narrowing and her mouth twisting into a lopsided frown, and she looked back toward the front of the class. She didn’t like it when I guessed right. She wasn’t the average martyr—she didn’t want an audience for her pain.

What fucking pain? Being slightly damp? Did Charlie forget to get her a pony to go along with the free truck?

Also: what the fuck is a lopsided frown?

Also Also: Fuck off

Edward gloats that he's right and Bella asks why he cares. He completely loses the ability of internal monologue and whispers dramatically: “That's a very good question...”

He wonders, once again, why Bella's thoughts matter so much to him when every other human's thoughts are so completely and utterly insignificant because Humans suck the biggest balls ever.

Also:

I was not used to being the less intuitive of any pairing. I relied on my extra hearing too much—I clearly was not as perceptive as I gave myself credit for.

He thinks he's intuitive... because he can hear thoughts. That's the equivalent of someone just outright telling him what they're thinking. That's not what intuitive means, Meyer!

WORDS FUCKING MEAN THINGS

Is it wrong of me to hope she has Spooky Mormon Hell Dreams?

One musical break later:

Edward is inexplicably amused by the whole situation because Bella's frustrated that he didn't answer her one question that... people usually don't answer... at least not with a real answer. He's finds it funny that she's annoyed when he could easily kill her if he loses focus for even a second and she doesn't even realize it.

He's probably thinking of that Whoopi Goldberg gif and cackling to himself.

Hilarious.

To be even more of a dick, Edward asks if he's annoying her. She confesses that she's annoyed at herself for being so easy to read which amazes him. You get it? Because he can't literally read her thoughts! Because that is literally the only way someone can understand another person. Body language, inflection, and a general understanding of actual human behavior is all fake news.

Edward takes a breather to remind us he isn't alive so using the word 'life' is misleading only he does it in a way that sounds like a whiny emo teen who thinks dressing all in black makes them deep.

Also, this conversation makes no sense.

“Not exactly,” she told me. “I’m more annoyed at myself. My face is so easy to read—my mother always calls me her open book.”

“On the contrary,” I disagreed, feeling strangely… wary, as if there were some hidden danger here that I was failing to see. Beyond the very obvious danger, something more… I was suddenly on edge, the premonition making me anxious. “I find you very difficult to read.”

“You must be a good reader, then,” she guessed, making her own assumption, which was, again, right on target. “Usually,” I agreed.

I'm sorry, what?

“I'm so easy to read!” “I can't read you.” “You must be a good reader then!”

“I'm an okay painter.” “I can't paint at all.” “Your paints must be amazing then!”

“I can sing the alphabet!” “I'm illiterate.” “You must be an amazing writer then!”

“I'm American.” “I'm from London.” “You must be the Queen of England then!”

Okay, I'm going to stop because that is a rabbit hole if I ever saw one.

But don't worry! The stupid isn't over yet!

Her body was closer to me than before, having shifted unconsciously in the course of our conversation. All the little markers and signs that were sufficient to scare off the rest of humanity did not seem to be working on her. Why did she not cringe away from me in terror? Surely she had seen enough of my darker side to realize the danger.

Also, since I had to use a HP gif: Fuck JK Rowling and the transphobic wagon she rode in on.

Edward goes on for almost an entire page about how he shouldn't get obsessed with Bella while obsessing over Bella. He knows he should stay away from her but he wants to know everything about her but also he wants to eat her but no, he can't! But he finds her so fascinating but he can't allow himself to find her fascinating because then he'll surely kill her!

We get it, Edward, you find her fascinating (because of the void) but being close is dangerous for her. You don't have to use a whole page to repeat yourself over and over again.

Much like the first meeting between them, he runs from the room first chance he gets.

I'm hoping that these last few pages will be easier now that Meyer doesn't have to force the narrative to fit with the dumpster fire that was Twilight. I don't think I can take much more of the 'Bella is amazing!' forced-feeding that was going on.

He takes a deep breath and:

Again, I gasped at the clean, wet air outside as though it was a healing attar.

Someone bitchslap the thesaurus out of her hands.

Emmett is waiting for Edward outside their next class. He tells him that Alice ditched the last half of her class, heading toward the science department. Edward hadn't realized how close he was to killing Bella... evidently.

Emmett reassures him that it turned out fine and he succeeded in not killing anyone...

Or maybe you kill her. He shrugged. You wouldn’t be the first one to mess up. No one would judge you too harshly. Sometimes a person just smells too good. I’m impressed you’ve lasted this long.

Enjoy this helping of victim blaming. It's not Emmett's fault he murdered that grandmother! She shouldn't have smelled so good!

Edward claims he's disgusted by Emmett's acceptance of Bella's 'inevitable' death and, because Emmett is also an asshole, vividly starts remembering the time he killed that one lady.

Also:

Emmett remembered the smell of apples hanging heavy in the air—the harvest was over and the rejected fruits were scattered on the ground, the bruises in their skin leaking their fragrance out in thick clouds.

In Emmett's defense:

I know. I didn’t last half a second. I didn’t even think about resisting.

Oh, wait, that's not a defense.

But remember guys! The Cullens are just so good and love humans and don't want to participate in that life of violence and blah blah blah...

The memory causes Edward to run out of Spanish... where the teacher seems to only speak Spanish which... I don't see how that helps someone else to learn Spanish but then again, Forks High School seems to have a 'throw them in the lake and let them figure out how to swim' approach to learning.

Emmett follows after and apologizes for bringing up the memory but also starts to say Edward should just get his murder on because Bella should know better than to smell so good. She's totally asking for it, amirite?

He sends Emmett away and goes to mope in his car. Again. At least he's more productive this time! He gets a head start on stalking Bella, reading the thoughts of everyone in the school to keep tabs on her.

He listens into Mike's thoughts but since Mike is reassuring himself that Bella doesn't seem to like Edward, Edward pouts and turns on some My Chemical Romance or something until school lets out.

Apparently some outside force compels him to get out of his car and lean against it in that particularly douchey way while waiting for Bella to come out of the school. She randomly appears with no lead up, walking to her truck with a frown on her face.

He watches her get in the truck and hold her hands out toward the heating vents and concludes she must not like the cold. You see, the only reason someone who just told you they don't like the cold would use the heater to warm up after being in the cold is because they don't like being cold!

Bella throws the truck in reverse, almost killing a girl by almost ramming into her car. Bella, fully aware of what she almost did, carefully checks her blind spots twice before cautiously leaving.

Edward laughs because Bella thinks she's dangerous after most causing a serious traffic accident. Oh, how adorable.

In case you forgot: Edward is an asshole.

And that's the end of the chapter!

And I was right, the last few pages was much easier to get through. I think, going forward, I'm going to have to cut some of these chapters into sections, especially the Twilight Recap heavy ones. It's just too hard for me to get through those quickly.

Anyway, I'm going to take a much needed break and continue my Friday the 13th marathon.

Save me, Tommy Jarvis, you're my only ho.

((EDIT: All future book reviews/snarks will be posted to my tumblr.))

#Book Snark #Midnight Sun #Twilight

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i-am-the-entertainer · 5 years

Text

RevieWBY Volume 6, Chapter 8: “Dead End”

You know, in retrospect, it was kind of our own fault for hyping it up to be Winter. But good on them for not making this new character like a big reveal.

There’s really not that much to say about this episode overall. I think it’s along the lines of Chapter 2 and Chapter 4: it’s dealing with the aftermath of something and setting up for something much more major down the line, thus it can’t really stand on its own. But like with those two, there’s some interesting stuff going on in this episode that’s worth touching upon, especially when it comes to worldbuilding.

Oh, and fyi: some major fandom crtq at the end.

Such Wit! Such Tenacity! Much wow!

This chapter offers up a new perspective on the Atlas military: Caroline Cordovin and her nationalist, racist attitude. We’ve been told in the past that Atlas is the kind of modern military nation, acting without reason, being very self-centered, blah blah blah. The problem is, we haven’t really been shown that: the only real Atlas military characters have been Ironwood and Winter, and (being generous) they’re the good guys. Volume 4 kind of showed just how shitty Jacques Schnee and his circle of buddies can be, but it wasn’t really a perspective on the military: in fact, in the post-gala scene Ironwood, as the military’s representation, seemed the direct counterpoint to the rich assholes of Atlas. With this in mind, this volume has sort of run with the assumption that Atlas’s support will be a piece of cake, but Cordovin present a reasonable obstacle while also giving us more insight into the kind of people who actually make up the Atlas military.

Qrow v. Ruby

Based on his bit from this volume’s intro sequence, how he’s been reacting to the revelations regarding Ozpin, and some comments from Miles on this week’s RWBY Rewind about how he feels awful because Qrow is making all the wrong decisions, this is definitely the volume where Qrow is going to officially hit rock bottom (if he hasn’t hit it already). Whereas Team RWBY is willing to stick to their guns about getting to Atlas even after Jinn’s story and Brunswick Farms, Qrow has given up. Remember, he had possibly the strongest reaction to finding out Ozpin doesn’t have a plan, because he devoted his entire life to Ozpin’s supposed cause and lost so many friends and family along the way: another obstacle has kicked him down even further. After three seasons of Qrow being the drunk uncle who’s still a hero, we’re closing in on dark territory for him.

Ruby has always kind of just accepted Qrow’s alcoholism as one of his quirks, but with this volume’s events she realizes it’s an actual problem, offering a new angle on their relationship after it’s remained at a constant level since Volume 3. This arc is developing quite well: from cautious awareness in Chapter 5 to an attempt to reach out in Chapter 6 to complete frustration in this chapter. I’m curious as to where this will go: it’s the most development/insight into Ruby we’ve gotten that wasn’t straight up told to us.

Well, You’d Be Mad Too

With the previous episode, it vaguely seemed like JNR finding out the truth about Ozpin was about to get glossed over, but NOPE. Their reactions were exactly as they should be, if not strong enough. It’s important to remember that they lost one of their closest friends in the fight between good and evil, and they have essentially been told that her death was for nothing. It’s almost on par with Qrow’s reaction, especially when you take into account how much Qrow has lost from siding with Ozpin all this time. I’m not defending their actions, especially Jaune’s, but rationalizing them in the context of this show. They were not going to take this news lightly, and anything lighter would have been unrealistic.

Can I just add: sidelining JNR for half the volume was a good writing decision. Not only does it decrease the number of characters we need to pay attention to for a storyline that needs razor-sharp focus in order for it to be delivered well, it prevents the utter mess that would’ve occurred if they AND Qrow had been present for Jinn’s story. It also provides a counterpoint to Team RWBY’s perspective: besides having witnessed everything in person, they have had a few days and a traumatic experience to rationalize their next moves. JNR has had no such thing, and they’re going to have to deal with this differently.

Learning Is Fun

In an example of planting-payoff, we finally get some insight into the silver-eyed warriors, three years after we were even aware it was a concept, and three years since we knew anything new about it other than you could use it against Grimm. I like the wink at just how little Ruby (and by extension, the audience) knows about such an important power.

This is a moment where a lot of information we get comes from talking, which is why I think this episode may feel a little slow, comparable to some of Volume 4 and 5′s lower moments. That said, I think the show deserves some leeway on this because this volume so far has really stuck to show-don’t-tell, plus since this is much-desired information having it in the first place is useful no matter how it’s delivered. It can also be said it makes sense to have this story delivered through dialogue, as presumably that’s how Maria learned: it’s like sharing a legend orally, and emphasizing just how rare the silver-eyed warriors are and how dangerous being one can be.

There’s something interesting going on in this scene that a few people have touched upon: Ruby commenting that her silver eyes were activated when she saw Jaune and Cinder sparring, prompting Maria to suggest that perhaps there was something she wasn’t seeing. On first thought, it refers to the fact that Cinder has a Grimm arm. Except the thing is, there’s no point in framing it the way they do: it’s framed as though there’s something mysterious for the viewer to think about, but we all know Cinder’s arm is Grimm. What does this imply about Cinder? Well, we know the whole reason she got the Fall Maiden powers was because she cheated: she used what could be best described as a parasite Grimm. We also know from her “training” with Salem that the new arm is almost a separate entity from her, but she needs the ability to control it herself rather than the other way around. There appears to be a broader implication that Cinder’s connection to the Grimm may be stronger than just a supplement to her powers or a prosthetic to her lost arm: is she becoming a Grimm/Human hybrid along the lines of Salem?

But then again, I could be overthinking it, it could just be an acknowledgment/reminder that Ruby herself doesn’t know about Cinder’s arm. But I guess it’s something to keep an eye on for the rest of the volume.

Conclusions

This is another set-up episode, and it’s not a particularly exciting one at that. It’s hard to judge these on their own considering they’re designed to service a larger storyline, but overall I just thought “Okay, things are gonna be harder than they thought, they reacted as we thought they’d react, we finally got some insight into stuff, and we’ve got our next major arc.” So I’ll just accept this as it is: straightforward set-up, some insight into the show’s mythology. I didn’t hate it or love it, I didn’t dislike it or like it, it was just eh. And considering pretty much all the chapters last volume made me feel “eh” and most of the ones this volume haven’t, I’m still happy to call Volume 6 an improvement.

By the way...if you’ve been on the RWBY tag these past couple of days, you’ve probably noticed my posts about the highly entitled part of this fandom complaining about the sneak peek for the next chapter on RWBY Rewind having animation errors, and the more rwde part of this fandom once again shitting on Miles for calling out someone for being an asshole about it. I admit, I’m getting a little too worked up about this, but honestly this whole business has really made my blood boil over the past week, a week I’ve been trying to use to relax after school let out for break, so, rant time.

IT WAS SO CLEARLY UNFINISHED, DID YOU SERIOUSLY THINK THEY WERE GONNA BROADCAST THE EPISODE WITH SUCH A BLATANT ERROR? It happened because they weren’t done with the episode before they sent the clip in for RWBY Rewind’s live broadcast. And don’t give me that bullshit about how you’re paying with a FIRST account for a 60 second sneak peek to be perfect, you’re paying 3 bucks a month so you can watch the episodes a week early, you know, like the rest of us with FIRST accounts are doing, never mind the hundreds of hours of exclusive content we get in that subscription! And shit, if you’re really on about those 60 seconds of a thirty minute RWBY aftershow needing to be perfect, you could’ve just watched the version that they put up online afterwards, which is so clearly the finished version not just because they fixed the compositing error but they added ambient effects and additional pedestrians in certain shots! I mean, I don’t even watch RWBY Rewind live half the time, most people don’t, I’ve just been paying to watch it starting the day after it’s recorded!

And god forbid Miles tell an asshole he’s being an asshole! I mean, how do you hold up A FUCKING 60 SECOND SNEAK PEEK as evidence of a drop in the show’s animation quality?! Have you been watching this fucking season? The animation is the best it’s been in ages. Like it’s actually absurd how much detail and attention they’ve put into shots, even non-fighting scenes! And don’t even get me started on how good the fights have been! Better sparingly used quality fights than overused often subpar fights (god, Volume 5 was a shitshow)!

You idiots go on and on about “Oh, I’m harsh on this show because I love it! They should listen to legitimate criticism no matter how I deliver it!” Newsflash: you don’t love this show. At this point you’re only criticizing it because you hate it. Because if you were actually criticizing it out of love for the show, you’d be pointing out actual issues this volume. You’d be saying something like “Oh, this kid of information should have been dropped earlier” or “This volume should not have set up Adam as a major player only to more or less not use him for the past 7 chapters.” Or, you know, point out actual problems with the show, even nitpicks like the weird fireplace effects at Brunswick Farms or some animation errors that popped up in Chapter 6. But the funny thing is, you’re not pointing that out. You’re pointing out a 60 second sneak peek that was clearly presented with no pretense of it being the final product and acting like you’ve found the ace in the hole, the proof that CRWBY is lazy and disrespecting of Monty’s legacy.

You don’t love this show. You love to pretend that you’re protecting the show from the very people that make it. But the fact is, it’s them who are in the writers’ rooms, it’s them who are sitting at the computers, it’s them who make the show you pretend to love. And if you’ve resigned yourself to just hating whatever it is they put out, then I’m sorry, but you’re not a fan of what the show is now. So you can either keep moaning about “Oh, Monty wouldn’t have done this,” or maybe accept the fact that there’s no way the show could do whatever it is Monty did because no one can do what Monty would do. They can only do what they do. It’s no longer just Monty’s show, it’s CRWBY’s show too. And if you’re just never gonna be satisfied with that, if every little thing they do and say is gonna make your blood boil, if every choice they make is completely against the show you’ve built up inside your head, then just don’t watch it. It would make all of us, including you, feel better.

#rwby #rwby6 #reviewby #crtq #rwby6 spoilers

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