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cosmosrival · 3 years

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My dash must be broken, cause it hid you from my dash ever since you've changed your name! I am appalled by this and now incredibly curious about your wonderfully looking OC! Is there lore to share?

OH NO!!! it's ok im manifesting my presence so i'll appear more often now 👀!!!!! JNDSJDJSDGFD

ALSO YES, Altair is my new OC !! She's been in the works for a little while now (i was gathering refs while waiting for my new computer...), since my tastes have changed quite a lot since the last time i made an OC that'd be... THE FACE? of my art/accounts!!! it used to be miss venus/luciaferul...

big lore dump under the cut!! this'll actually help me out if i write it down lol sorry if it gets a bit long ehehee

The main idea behind Altie is that she's some sort of 'cleaner' working for the Yakuza with some "Pinch" of occupational hazard going on...

THO LEMME EXPLAIN THAT BIT LATER. She's very lucky in the sense that she got noticed by the kumicho of her actual family simply bc of her physical prowess and her ability to adapt to absolutely anything, as well as the fact that she was all alone in the world (both literally and figuratively). A disposable existence who had nobody basically!! She initially fled the fall of the soviet union after a certain event and worked as a sailor on merchant watercrafts and one of them brought her to Japan since it traded with... Shady People ... oop..

By physical prowess i mean that. she's STRONG AS FUCK. literally 6'4ft tall bear of a woman!!!!!!! wow!!!!! u ever seen a lady so huge before???!! SHE STICKS OUT IN A CROWD SO DAMN MUCH BRO!!!!! SHES RELAXED AS HELL and has huge big sis vibes and adores taking care of people since the bôsôzoku that ended up joining the yakuza would automatically be put under her charge (both bc shes good at this but also bc of mysoginistic reasons<3 the kumicho's son is insane.. anyway those young boys are her soft spot she's like. mother dog.). In the end, being a part of the jp criminal underworld gave her more freedom than before, she climbed the ranks with a lot of ease since her loyalty is born from gratitude and it's one of the strongest forms. She literally cannot betray her superiors, she can't do it.

... AND. this might be her downfall somewhat. It's a form of trauma when u think about it... ohoho... she's absolutely not perfect despite her initial kindness and this is something i need all of my ocs to have ? Like, back then, my previous main OC Venus was a MEAN GIRL like REGINA type mean girl but she got her ass handed to her and grew. Altair has been getting her ass handed to her since forever so she's used to bowing to superiors but this ended up ... making some sort of INTENSE anger grow inside of her?......... and let's say that... uhhh................... the only way she found how to properly cope with her need of an ounce of control in her life, her fucked up childhood, abuse and mistreatment from a certain someone in the family as well as ... THE EVENT that led her to flee her home country is........ well......

butchering up people hannibal style and justifying it by saying that shes riding her fam of some pests....................<3 but the problem is that she goes too far.

IS SHE INSANE??? PERHAPS. THERES DEF A FEW SCREWS LOOSE UP THERE!!!!!!! SHE SNAPPED LONG AGO!!!!!!!!!!

she's an interesting character i want to dev even further because i want to see how a killer with empathy would be able to hold on living with such huge amounts of guilt lost in the thrill of the killings!!! did she end up enjoying herself bc she had to cope or bc she truly likes it ? (STRAPS HER TO MY VIVISECTION TABLE) this is my 80s slasher movie aesthetic speaking btw. IF THIS IS HARD TO GET, I MADE A LIL GUIDE

OK THIS GOT LONG BUT TYSM FOR THE OPPORUNITY TO RANT A BIT ABT MY OCS HEHE..

#reeartkapa #altair tag #venus tag #luciaf tag #i cant remember which one i used for her #ANYWAYS #tysm for asking...!!!!!!!!!!!!

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theyearsiturnedintoaghost · 3 years

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Hello, Is This Thing On?

Hi! (as mentioned above). Do people still use this thing? I have no idea. Years ago, and I do mean YEARS ago, I had one of these. I didn’t use it for much, just reposting things, following humans I’d met in online communities, a ‘celebrity’ here or there, sometimes screaming about shit I couldn’t control into the void that is the endless scrolling interweb, and being pointless in wasting my time between classes, work, and twenty-something. Regardless, my previous tumblr had minimal followers, made minimal impact, and that was okay. It was honestly just a nice place to sort of hide in plain sight. Still be part of a social world without actually having to do much. This was also pre a billion other apps and social media outlets to express yourself or scroll mindlessly at a million other pointless things that people were posting to make you giggle or even just stop for a second and think.

Clearly, the point of this, back then, felt like something I would use to help propel my writing career. Turns out, it did not. I did not write much, if at all. And most of the time I think it was because I was scared nothing was as good as any of the other stuff I was reading from people I liked, and thought were so much cooler and smarter than me; I still feel this way all of the time, but I do realize this was me being nervous, small minded about myself, and completely unconfident.

Unfortunately, I am still most of these things a lot of the time, but recently, after getting fired from a job, having my heart broken by pretty much everyone on the planet, especially a few specific people, cancelled by all of my friends (?) - this is a thing btw. (It’s not as awful as being cancelled publicly, but it does still ruin your life, mindset, confidence, and overall physical and mental wellbeing) Getting a new job, hating it and feeling like I was going no where, and missing out on living a life I felt proud of and that I was actively participating in, I decided maybe I should just try to write it all out and see what happens.

To be frank, I expect nothing of this. I can’t fathom a world where anything I have to say truly matters to people because lets be real - everyone has this own shit and everyone is going through so much all of the time. And we all think we have something new, quirky, interesting, and important to say. And in a world that constantly shoves perfection down our throats and works so hard to make each of us feel completely inadequate to every Kardashian, Beyonce, Grande, etc., it’s hard to really think that anything I have to say will matter to anyone; at all.

(I also hate that all of my ‘perfectionist’ people were female, but maybe it’s harder to compare to Golden Boys when you are a female. Either way, there are many boys/men/theys/thems that are put on a pedestal and made out to be perfect out there, as well, and they deserve that notation as well. I just have no points of reference off the top of my head, so please forgive me; I am trying to do this in a stream of consciousness type thing.)

I mean, the truth is, I’m a fucking mess. I’m 33, single, living at home, afraid of my own shadow most of the time, and spend about 98% of my time alone. I pay for a phone plan that I literally only use to send memes to my two sisters, and that’s about it. I rarely receive texts, invites out, or even calls to make plans for something. And while a lot of this is my own doing - again, I did cut off most of the world after I realized I was sort of the joke to a lot of people - it’s still kind of pathetic, and entirely uncool. I am not a socialite, or someone cool and trendy, and to be honest, I kind of never want to be.

Which is a semi-false statement, because years ago, when I had one of these previously, I sort of hoped it would work out and that I could write and be ‘cool.’ Whatever the fuck that means. But now, years later, I’m honestly beyond glad I am not cool; not in the slightest. Maybe that’s making it to your 30s? Maybe the trade for having to create a daily routine of lathering up my body with like 9 different versions of FDA-Approved-Vampire-Juice on my skin to prevent me from looking any older than I already do, you in turn get to have a brain that finally realizes... having a ‘normal’ life is honestly pretty cool? Normal is clearly subjective here as everyone is normal, famous, notoriety, or not; They’re all still humans and people with feelings, thoughts, and emotions. This is a hard thing to realize when you see stadiums full of people screaming at Harry Styles (Boom! found a male perfect in this scatterbrain) or hundreds of paparazzi lined up to take photos of every person on a red carpet wearing clothing that costs as much as my student loan debt (Which sidenote, is VERYYYYYY much). It’s hard to fully realize that maybe some of those people who became ‘icons’ never really knew what they were getting into when they signed that deal with the Devil to make them seemingly immortal; especially in a world with the internet where everything can exist forever (or until the world explodes, clearly). But maybe getting into my 30s and removing myself from most social media outlets, even listening to the news, or caring about whatever fucking popular haircut was in this season (it’s always bangs, and I’ve already made that mistake. No thanks), that I learned to realize - the truly most important people in your life are the ones that stick with you when it’s tough. When getting out of bed is so hard your limbs ache and you cry every morning on your way to work, at your desk behind your computer screen hidden in a corner, or in a bathroom stall during your lunch break. The normalcy that comes with realizing your prayers to ‘just make it to five o’clock,’ are heard and that you are just so thankful for that that you don’t even desire the innate feeling in most of our egos to stand out, be seen, ‘Make it’ in a way that lets people notice we ‘succeeded.’ Maybe this only comes with the realization of how nice it is to go to a grocery store braless and unnoticed.

Maybe this is also something I, and so many of us in this point and shoot viral world, are trying to still learn.

Sure, a lot of days I still crave being able to make a perfect Pintrest project, practice my Late Night interview with Letterman where I sound funny, charming, and likeable to all walks of life, or recreate a recipe from the New York Times website so great that The Barefoot Contessa finds out through word of mouth, and comes to my basement hide out, and offers to give me, a fellow barefoot loving bitch, her title and crown along with a glass of wine and a kiss from her husband, Jeffery. We’ll both laugh at how lovely it feels to be Barefoot ladies who understand that wanting ‘fame’ or ‘recognition’ in your twenties is only really a pathway to destruction by your 30s.

And this is not exactly something that I learned easy. In fact, I spent most of my twenties destroying my body with drugs - plenty of hard ones - and alcohol - various kinds of the same things - in order to numb my brain from the sadness that is just... being young, lonely, scared, unsure of yourself, and nervous that all of your hopes and expectations for yourself in your ‘dream life’ are too much for what you and your actual self will ever be capable of ever becoming. That I would never become the comedian I dreamed of being, or sing the perfect song in front of a crowd of admirers, or write that best selling book to tell everyone who thought I was nothing they could go fuck themselves. It’s something I still have to remind myself, and my brain and ego, that are most likely things I will never do because those are lottery dreams. And people you know don’t actually win the lottery. And at the end of the day, I am people you know. And sometimes it breaks my own heart to realize I may never feel that rush of making a crowd laugh, or creating a piece of art that makes someone feel seen, but as Pam, from The Office said, and I am paraphrasing, ‘there is beauty in ordinary things.’ And I think reminding myself of that as I sat on the beach this summer and watched a dad teach his son to surf, and how happy they both were when he got up, gave me that brief feeling of... being okay. I won’t lie, I did cry a little at this realization at that moment, and I am slightly teary now as I write it, but I think I’m not ashamed of that because being normal means I get to feel things as I do, in that moment, and that is something I think I lacked in my desiring-bigger-flashier- twenties; actually being present in the world and your place in it. Even if that is just as small as being kind to a random person on the street.

I think that is why everything I felt I wanted to write never came out correct. It never came out ‘Perfect.’ And that was my problem for most of my life, even up until today, I’m afraid that I am a perfectionist in the ways that are preventing me from becoming... me. I’m still fearful that I am too late in ever ‘accomplishing’ anything I ever dreamed. I doubt I will ever actually write a book. I’m unsure I’ll ever make a decent living. I am beyond doubtful I am ever going to be loveable to someone whom I also want to love back. And maybe I’m a little scared that I’ll never have a kid, or that if I do have a kid, I’ll never be a decent parent. And I’m still working on breaking the cycle of thinking something has to ‘sound’ or ‘be seen as important’ to be meaningful. There is beauty in the ordinary. I’ve started to make it my mantra. Spoken in my head every time I see a teenage couple holding hands walking in town, a father holding their baby close to his chest, a woman dressed in a power suit striding through an office building or city on their way to make their own careers or push equality further. I’ve started to dream of how actual normalcy makes the real changes. How every 4th grade teacher has a chance to change some kids life.

Clearly, a lot of these personal fears I have about myself not being ‘enough,’ or doing something good enough to become successful at it and build a life out of it, are monotonous fears and privileged middle-class complaints. I’m aware they may not resonate with anyone, anything, or mean much more than just being an online public diary entry to my own meandering thoughts, but, still - I finally felt like I had to try.

So here it is, the whole truth on how I let myself become a ghost for years.

I hope someone will stick around while I just... try to explain it all, figure it all out, and hopefully make sense out of even being whatever a human who is hoping to grow even means. Hopefully, something here will resonate with someone else and we can create our own little weirdo corner of the world where we’re not seeking more than just trying to be honest with ourselves and what it means to be human. Even if that means just posting a recipe for banana bread (thank you Gwen Steffani for keeping me able to spell Banana), reposting random memes about how we all want to scream for 30 seconds and feel better, or sad-girl diary entry posts about how I ruined my own life a million times over. Oh, and maybe I’ll give you tips on how to stain your wood deck, because I spent my day doing that yesterday and basically, Home Depot is calling me to be in their ADs.

But at the core of it all, lets be very real, it’s hard to be human in so many ways. And I’m just hoping this connects with anyone. Especially any of us who wished we were different - in any way.

xoxo

-K

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falling--in--place · 6 years

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25 Questions Tag

I was tagged by @sixstepsaway ♥ Thank you darlin! I may have done this before? Idk, I love tag games so I’m doing it anyway!

1. Is there a story you’re holding off on writing for some reason?

Not exactly? The book I’m working on now is exactly where I want to be with my writing right now. I am holding off on revisiting an old one though. It needs a complete rewrite and re-release. I held myself back so much, but I’m just not sure I should do it. I decided I’m going to though. Just a matter of when the need to do surpasses my hesitation... So, we’ll see!

2. What work of yours, if any, are you embarrassed about existing?

The first book I published. Embarrassed probably isn’t the right word though. It isn’t as good as it should be, and it needs sooooo much, but it helped me get to where I am. It was needed, but it is definitely not my best. Hence the rewrite at some point.

3. What order do you write in? Front of book to back? Chronological? Favorite scenes first? Something else?

Pretty much beginning to end. I format my documents for publication before I even start writing. It gives me an idea of what it looks like and where I am with it. Sometimes a scene will strike me though, and I write it in a separate document to be saved until it is needed. From being on here I have discovered I do things very... strange. But hey, it works for me.

4. Favorite character you’ve written?

Vanessa. Like, I love her so much. She is my hero.

5. Character you were most surprised to end up writing?

Most of them? My characters just sort of show up and tell me stuff. I do my best to write it down. Vanessa is the most vocal, and she isn’t afraid to scoff at me when I do something she doesn’t approve of.

6. Something you would go back and change in your writing that it’s too late/complicated to change now

I don’t think it’s ever really too late. I mean... I have a published book I’m going to pull and rewrite so...

7. When asked, are you embarrassed or enthusiastic to tell people that you write?

A little of both, honestly. On here it’s almost exciting to talk about it all, but when in person... It’s the source of a lot anxiety. Especially when it’s someone I know. It’s kind of hard to explain. I need to get better at talking about my books. I self-publish. Self-promotion is all I have lol

8. Favorite genre to write

Fantasy! Urban Fantasy has a special place in my heart, but the WIP I have right now is more in the epic fantasy class, but not fully?

9. What, if anything, do you do for inspiration?

Music. All of it. iPhone on shuffle, let all the words happen. I also read a lot. I dissect everything I read into why I like it and why I don’t and try to learn from that.

10. Write in silence or with background music? Alone or with others?

Music Always with music. When I don’t put my headphones in I get distracted by literally everything around me.

11. What aspect of your writing do you think has most improved since you started writing?

I feel like I’ve gotten better at knowing when to stop. I had always been so “HERE IS ALL THE INFORMATION I EVER FOUND FOR THIS BOOK AND YOU NEED TO KNOW IT ALL RIGHT NOW!” Info dumps in every chapter is not a good quality to have... I kicked that habit for the most part. I think I am much better writer for it!

12. Your weaknesses as an author?

Several? Editing is really hard for me because I get attached (and it takes forever!). Being overly descriptive of characters at first meeting. Fight scenes take a few tries... I usually write it, read it over, flesh it out to be better, then cut a bunch of stuff to add in a bunch of other stuff, and because of my anxiety... all of this has to be done before I can move on in the story.

13. Your strengths as an author?

I think I’m pretty good at setting the scene.

14. Do you make playlists for your work?

Not really... Some songs tend to stick with a character or an event, but I don’t ever specifically set up playlists for my books.

15. Why did you start writing?

I had stories living in my head, and a need to tell them.

16. Are there any characters who haunt you?

Of my own? Not really. I guess Harley does a little. Her story will get it’s retelling.

17. If you could give your fledgling author self any advice, what would it be?

Just.. write. Stop worrying about everyone else and their opinions. You can edit and fix later, and not everyone’s opinion needs air time.

18. Were there any works you read that affected you so much that it influenced your writing style? What were they?

Jennifer Estep, David Dalglish, Richelle Mead... I could go on, but I don’t think this is supposed to be a novel on it’s own. Estep showed me a smart, beautiful woman that didn’t give a shit about others opinion of her, but she still cared deeply for those around her. She also has a thing for knives which is badass. David Dalgish showed me that research is great, but sometimes you just have to flow and see where it takes you. He also gave me characters that were so fleshed out, real, and raw that I will forever carry them with me. I would love to give a nod to Haern in one of my books but I don’t know how and if that’s a thing I can do. Richelle Mead gave me some of the above, but also a romance that I could truly get behind. One that I could follow and love and cheer for. I’m not much for pure romance, her books aren’t btw, but with her couples... I could read a romance novel about them with pleasure.

19. When it comes to more complicated narratives, how do you keep track of outlines, characters, development, timeline, ect.?

Uh... well... I tend to jot down a lot of notes and do a lot of swearing and scrolling back up to re-read things.

20. Do you write in long sit-down sessions or in little spurts?

Both? Depends on the day and my mood.

21. What do you think when you read over your older work?

I don’t have a lot of older work saved unfortunately. A lot of my older stuff was in notebooks that have gotten lost through the many moves I’ve had to make. So, the book I’ve mentioned before... It needs a re-write.

22. Are there subjects that make you uncomfortable to write?

A lot of them actually... two of my main characters are gay. I was excited about that... then tumblr happened. Omg you guys... all the posts about do’s and don’t’s. and how many posts about insulting things people do with gay characters that they don’t seem to notice and..phew I could go on forever... I am a little terrified right now, but I’m working through it. James is so close to my heart. I’m writing him how I see him, and I’m just hoping no one will take it as offensive or insensitive.

23. Any obscure life experiences that you feel have helped your writing?

Pft... how long do I have? I live an interesting life. I’ve been through several different kinds of hell. I met an amazing group of people who support me. I am a living incarnate of Murphy’s Law.

24. Have you ever become an expert on something you previously knew nothing about, in order to better a scene or a story?

I wouldn’t say expert.... but I now understand the effects of a point blank gunshot to a bone, marriage rituals from all over the world, and how close you have to be to smell a dead body?

25. Copy/paste a few sentences or a short paragraph that you’re particularly proud of.

Longer than “a short paragraph” but eh, just how I am. I’m not sure why I like this one so much. There are other that I like more, but I’ve posted them all at least once (some of them twice) so here is a new thing!

“Can you take me through it one more time, ma’am?” the officer said to me.

What I wanted to do was use one of the charred desks to kick his ass (literally) out the door. Or grab a roll of tape and cover his mouth with it. Whipping out my magic to boot the enforcement officers out of my place of business probably wouldn’t go over very well. It was tempting though. The story wasn’t that complicated. It happened in all of thirty seconds. This was the third time he’d asked me to run through the story again. Ellie and James weren’t fairing much better. Ms. Claudette was left alone for the most part. All it took was a complaint about her back and needing to check on her cats.

“Ms. Parker?”

“Sorry, it’s just that I’ve taken you through the story three times now. Four seems a touch excessive. There was a grenade, I contained the blast as best I could, you showed up. There it is. Now, if you don’t mind, I have shit to do.”

I spun on my heel and stalked away. Something I didn’t think all the way through since there isn’t much space in the office when it isn’t extra crispy. That didn’t slow me down though. I marched into the back office, yelled for Ellie to join me, now, and slammed the door as soon as she scooted in.

I’m think i’ll tag... @panticwritten, @hawksnbooks, @ava-burton-writing, @crazybunchwriter, @lakeeriesaltmine, @anolivewrites, @forlornraven, @leapwriter, @dantedevereaux, and @authorisada

As always, if you don’t want to be tagged or want to be tagged more often, let me know!

#writeblr #writing #tag games #tagged #aaaand im still not following directions #shocking isnt it

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