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warmau · 3 years

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love languages x day6

*this post was commissioned | commissioner asked for something loving + warm.....so here is something overly cheesy indulgent and hopefully warm

sungjin

acts of service

doesn’t think twice about peeling all of the tangerines himself and sharing the halves with you without a word - just one slice for you, one slice for him

can’t leave you alone when you’re cooking or cleaning.

you tell him he’s busy from all of the bands schedules and he should just let you do it for once but a moment later

he’s standing beside you and chopping vegetables or he’s snatching the broom from you before you can even get started

you don’t complain too much though, he does look really cute in the kitchen apron

a man of little words he literally does all of this because he wants to say he loves and appreciates you but the words don’t come out easy like they might for other members

so when you’re alone and you tell him you love him you cant really get worked up over the fact that he barely mumbles something into your hair

because he’s shy about it - but he’s not shy about getting up first and bringing the cup of coffee to you in bed

people don’t give him as much credit as they should, which frustrates you, because sungjin is the kind of boyfriend and just the kind of friend who will bend over backwards for the people he cares for

from lugging all the instruments around, helping members with suitcases, or volunteering himself for the short end of the stick in bad situations

sometimes it gets so bad you have to put your hands on his face and steady him and be like sungjin, no. the boys can handle it without you.

and he’s like but im the leader-

and youre like shhhhhhhh before i kiss you so hard you cant breath for the next five minutes

and sungjin stares at you with those big brown eyes and hes kinda like well now im just gonna say something so you do tha-oH

you and him get like an hour alone before he has to leave on tour and it is supposed to be full of sweet words and i miss yous

and sungjin just comes in with a bag full of groceries and you’re like is that for your tour

and he’s like oh no this is some stuff that i noticed you needed from last time

and you’re like babe you’re leaving in like thirty minutes stop thinking about things to do for me

and he just looks at you and says; “i can’t stop, im always going to be thinking about what i can do for you.”

just another way of saying ill miss you and i love you suppose LOL

jae

words of affirmation

will never admit it out loud but if someone isn’t telling him he’s doing a good job. he will die.

and guess who gets that job? you - the second jae fell in love with you (and he do so very clumsily) you have been hired

jae does this kind of little look over his shoulder at you whenever he does something he thinks is cool or fun and you have dated for a while so immediately you’re like

“that was amazing come here” and he trots over with literal hearts spinning around his head (youngk gagging in the distance)

but if you miss the little beat then jae just looks like a puppy that got left out in the rain until you rush over to do damage control LOL

with work or anything like that it’s this sort of playful thing between you two

where you’re like jae you are the best at skateboarding. singing. playing guitar. all of it. and he’s like am i the best? really? and you’re like YES THE BEST

but the real affirmation he chases from you is the guarantee that you ........ love him

some people like to be close without words, some people can talk with their hands or gestures

but jae wants it said - and you are happy to oblige

kiss him all you want and not like he’s gonna not enjoy it but when you say something about how he makes you the happiest person on earth well some things are just better you know?

when you say this stuff to him while you’re ontop of him and jae just - eyes rolling back but let’s move on

when days are really bad or jae is not in a good mood everyone has learned that the cure for him is your voice

so sungjin calls you and even if jae tries to be like IM FINE sungjin puts you on speaker and is like “please cheer him up and be as gushy as possible in front of all of us”

you: “jae you know i adore you and you’re my pumpkin pie sweeti-”

jae skidding across the table to take you off speaker: “I WILL TALK TO THEM IN THE OTHER ROOM-”

he scurries out to listen to you coo to him privately and the rest of day6 is like waiting

and jae comes back, shining like a sunbeam until dowoon is like

“so pumpkin pie sweetie are you feeling ok?”

jae about to fling the phone at dowoon before sungjin is like HEY-

youngk

quality time

seems like a total homebody hermit who is like leave me be im ok living in solitude like a monk on a mountain

but the reality is that if he loves someone, and he loves you, if you two cant have that time together - he just feels wrong

like the gravity around everything else he is doing is just off centered

and everyone can tell because it is like a raincloud just starts following him around

and also - he gets very grumpy

jae teases him and is like awwwwwww do you miss your s/o are you getting all saaaaaaaad

and youngk is like shuttup no im not im fine

sungjin (who has a brain) is like no he’s literally going through withdrawal and then hits your number on the speed dial

he’s ok with group dates and being around the band and your other friends but there is really nothing like one on one intimacy to him

and that could literally be as innocent as sitting in the back of an empty bus, holding hands and sharing each other as pillows

to locking the bedroom door and falling over onto his sheets

tries to be slick about it though and texts you like “wanna come over?” and you’re like “oh ;)” and he’s like “........jae will be in the other room don’t lose your mind in the gutter”

but plot twist jae is not in the other room actually youngk has bribed everyone to be gone for an hour or two and you well

you pretend not to notice for your easily flustered boyfriends sake

gets the softest when you are alone ........ he puts up a front around others but if it is just you

running your fingers through his hair and listening to him sigh happily in your neck

that’s when the tender words like “i can’t live without you” come out

funnily enough he’ll say something so beautiful just for you to hear and when you kinda hear a similar sound lyric in day6s next album you’re like oh? was i inspiration?

youngk getting red down to his neck: NO?

wonpil begs you guys to do more PDA or something because he’s a sucker for love and sometimes he feels like you guys hold back

and youngk is like if you want to live another day-

jkjk

you just hold youngk’s hand and tell wonpil not to worry, once everyone is gone and it’s just you two, it is actually quite romantic

everyone is like we cant imagine youngk being sweet

but he really is, he cherishes you so much and he needs you to himself far away from the world and all its stress

what im saying is yes he seems like he’d be like leave me alone but like dont leave the room im in and actually just stay right here in his lap

wonpil

receiving gifts

and not in a materialistic kind of way but in a “im always thinking about you” way

there is no feeling like seeing wonpil after a long time and the first thing you do after running into his arms is going “i got you something while you were away!”

and as nice as big, expensive, frilly gifts on holidays are - what wonpil really loves the most is when you drop something in his hands and tell him you noticed he needed it

“oh, i remember you said you didn’t have anymore bandaids at the studio” “you should take sunscreen with you - here i got you some” “you’ve had that old jacket for so long, let’s go get you a new one for the winter.”

everytime you say something so casually to him, it just makes the inside of his heart burst because

you are always listening to him, observing him, thinking about his needs

and if that’s not love then. well.

you staring at a bunch of tickets and receipts in a box in wonpils room: what is this.........

wonpil: it’s from all our dates! they’re the gifts of the good memories!

you trying not to cry because he’s the cutest person on earth: o-oh

lmao jae will sometimes have to stop wonpil if they’re packing for a tour because wonpil could fit a suitcase full of stuff you’ve either given him or he got with you like

wonpil: im taking the blender. me and my love bought it at ikea three months ago

jae: im sure the hotels will have blenders...........

he attributes sentimental value to anything you touch really and wonpil can be overwhelming in all aspects of love

he likes touching you, he likes giving you uplifting words, he likes doing things for and he of course wants to spend every second with you

but something about having things that are shared

or just his because you gave it to him ............ another level

but don’t be fooled. he showers you in twice as much because he wants you to feel that same thing he feels everytime

dowoon

physical touch

hand is on you. on your shoulder. on your waist. on the top of your head if need be.

he will try to inch down from your waist when he thinks no one is looking before sungjin is grabbing him by the ear like boy - i taught you better

you: it’s fine i dont mind

dowoon: *:P intensifies*

but really he is like an overactive puppy when it comes to you because wow you are tangible and you love him and he loves you why cant he touch you every. second. of. the. day.

the funny thing is when you first started dating it was nothing like this - dowoon can be shyer than most and so it took him close to two weeks to gather the courage to hold your hand first

but now that it is comfortable and established it’s like he cannot live without it

kisses? gotta have them, before the set. after the set. when you wake up together in the morning. before you go to sleep.

you pushing his face away like you have morning breath and he’s like i will kiss you if my life depends on it

you also have noticed that if you are in a situation together where touching would be super inappropriate or something

dowoon will find a way to make contact. he will either play with the fabric of something you’re wearing or he’ll bump your hands together when you reach for something

part of you assumes he’s just being cheeky, but the reality is that touching for dowoon does so more than any words or gifts or anything

because you cannot lie through a touch - he either feels your warmth or he doesn’t

and when he doesn’t, life just sucks plain and simple

youngk: “jesus you’re on each other like a bad rash”

jae: “you sound jealous”

dowoon and you: “true youngk you do sound jealous.”

youngk grumbling: “young people....................”

there probably hasn’t ever been a moment where you’re ordering something at a fastfood place and dowoon is like order for me too and youre like do it yourself and hes like im busy and youre like busy doing what and hes hugging you from behind and hes like idk im busy holding my entire world now can you tell them i dont want pickles

#day6 scenarios #day6 au #day6 #jae au #youngk au #dowoon au #wonpil au #sungjin au #writing commissions

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ecoamerica · 24 days

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learningtoeatokayagain · 4 years

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jealousy survival handbook

I hung out with a friend yesterday and it was so great. She’s a woman and I feel I haven’t been able to hang out with a female friend in so long. So it was super needed.

Anyway, today I am going to do some self-work on open relationship stuff. I have this handbook that I am going to go through and type up on this blog my feelings and thoughts.

Here’s a list of things I am dealing with:

- I tell myself I am “wrong” for feeling jealousy.

- I tell myself my needs and desires are wrong.

- I tell myself that talking about it is not worth the battle.

- I tell myself that my unmet needs or violated values do not matter.

- I do things to please other people and get confused about what I want.

- I don’t stand up for myself.

How do I feel when I think these thoughts and/or act this way?

- Embarrassed, hurt, ashamed, frustrated, emotionally numb, sad, powerless, helpless, agitated, scared

Rephrase the stuff above:

- I am not wrong for having feelings. Feelings are complicated. It’s what I do with them that counts.

- My needs and desires are not wrong. I can communicate what I want, even though it’s scary.

- Being vulnerable is scary, but it’s better to communicate my feelings even if I don’t want to talk about it in the moment.

- My unmet needs do matter and I need to communicate and ask for what I want.

- I can do please others and please myself and both!

- I sometimes stand up for myself and I’ve done it before and I can keep doing it.

New feelings:

Strong, self-affirming, powerful, confident, excited, capable, courageous, serene, living, brave, resilient

SOS: Stop, Observe, Strategize

S: Stop - when I feel the jealousy, anxiety, etc through my body: STOP.

- Give yourself time to think, get away from the trigger, you don’t want to do something to alleviate your discomfort. Excuse yourself from the room (or whatever): I’ll be right back, I need to think for a minute, etc. Or you can say, I need time to sort this out. Tell yourself, “ I can stand it.” or “I can handle it.”

O: Observe - observe the facts, what is actually going on. Feelings are still there, but there are facts. There will be stories, but look at the facts.

- What actually transpired?

- Who were the players?

- What kind of voice and body language did the players use?

- What physical sensations did you notice in your body?

- What are you current pre-existing agreements? Did all the players know about the agreements before this happened? Others can’t respect our boundaries if they don’t know what they are.

Next: own reactions

Internal mind (what are you thinking)?

- Write down what’s going through your mind, paying attention to the thoughts that are intrusive and on repeat.

Common beliefs:

- Getting rejected is the worst thing that could happen to me

- This person is disrespecting me/my boundaires

- They don’t love me anymore

- I cannot stand this

- That other person is better/stronger/sexier/prettier/etc than me

- My partner no longer needs me because they other people.

Which feels true to me? What do I identify with the most? Where did I learn this? How long have I believed it?

Internal: How are you feeling?

example: “I feel like my partner is way more into this new person than me and I feel anxious and sad.”

Check in with your body. Where do you feel it? You could even do things like, “It’s interesting when I see he doesn’t text me, I feel very anxious.”

Strategies:

Defusion: see thoughts and feelings as what they are, not what they say to use they are. When personal events are functioning as barriers due to FEAR.

- observing and then questioning our thoughts and detaching when possible. It’s acknowledging feelings and then not turning our choices and power over them.

Fear disguised as jealousy:

- can be traced back to FEAR: loss, less, or never - fear of loss of a partner, fear of less time/devotion/attention from a partner, never seeing partner again, never having them look at us in a special way, etc.

Techniques:

- Thank your brain

- Treat your brain as a separate entity.

- Label thoughts (i.e. that’s a silly thought)

- Silliness and Songs: use silly voices to make them less serious

- Name your Story: (i.e. Jealousy Story A)

- Create and name your jealousy gremlin: “Thank you for that jealousy, but I’ve got it from here, please go back to your room.“

- Thoughts cannot hurt you, you can ignore them!

- Leaves on a stream: imagine your thought perched on a leaf in a stream and floating away from you. (or whatever)

Defusion Skill Goal: give yourself space so you don’t always act on your thoughts or be impulsive which can be damaging.

Compassion (Meditation)

15 mins a day - guided meditation

- app, body position, receiving compassion-loving-kindness

- Think of your partner and others around you giving you warmth and kindess. Then reserve it and repeat, “may you live w/ ease, may you be happy, may you be free from pain.”

Focus on someone else and say, “Just as I wish to, you may be safe, may you be healthy, may you live w/ ease and happiness.”

Focus on someone else again and say: may your life be filled with happiness, health, and well-being.

Think of who your partner is seeing and say: “just as I wish to, you may also live with ease and happiness.”

Then expand to the word, “Just as I wish, may you live w/ ease, happiness, and good health.”

Take a deep breathe in, then out. Notice your state of mind, how you feel, open your eyes.

You can also make it more simple and say: “May I happy. May I be peaceful. May I forgive myself.”

Commitment to your core personal values:

- Ask yourself: How would a person who holds this as a core value act?

Two types of values:

- Fear - Based/HAVE to’s: these values spur you to take action to avoid something, “I have to do this or else.”

- Conscious-Based/WANT to’s: these values allow you to take positive action

How to figure out core values:

- Open relationships: what is important to you as a partner in open relationships?

- What do you want to stand for as a partner in open relationships?

- What sort of personal strengths and qualities do you want to culviate as a partner in an open relationship?

- How do you want to behave as a partner in an open relationship?

5 values I chose from a list: autonomy, connection, boundaries, adventure, and fulfillment and top 3 from this list: autonomy, connection, and boundaries

Communication:

Tool 1: Know when to hold ‘em: Red Light: push pause button on conflict

make good choices by:

1) Red Light: Regulate emotions, make sure your partner is also calm and regulated

- ask yourself when you’re having emotions/jealousy/etc: Am I creating this drama myself? How am I contributing to this situation? When all you see is the green fog of jealousy, be patient with yourself and take a setp back.

2) Remember your relationship goals: think about what you want from your relationship, what kind of responses you want from them, choose the type of communication accordingly.

think: do you want to be right? Do you want to connect? Do you want to increase the love and happiness you have in your life with your partner and have a deeper understanding?

Yellow light: slow down, think before you speak!

4 ways to communicate:

- people often respond to conflict and relationship issues: Exit, Neglect, Loyalty, and Voice (ENLV)

- Exit: I’m Leaving

- Neglect: I’m ignoring you and your needs.

- Loyalty: I hope things bet better

- Voice: I would like to talk about this.

Success is partly related to uncomfortable situations we ahve.

Dos & Donts

- DO: Have an accountable conversation about needs and values

- Disclosure (feelings, needs, values)

- Deepening understanding (asking questions, discussing problems, trying to understand different perspectives)

- Problem solving activity (suggestion solutions to problems, trying to make changes, trying to reach an understanding)

- Seeking outside help (seeking him from a support group, coach, counselor)

DONT’S

- Engage in emotional distancing

- Engage in verbal aggression

- Engage in manipulation

- Engage in violence

- Engage in demand-withdrawl

- Threatened to disrupt relationship

Green Light: non-violent communication

- contains two parts: honestly expressing ourselves to others and listening empathically to others

- Observations: aim is to describe what we are reacting to concretely, specifically, and neutrally, emphasizing observation helps us take responsibility for our reactions by directing our attention to our needs as the source of our feelings, rather than faults of the other person

Feelings: expressing what I feel instead of what the other person is doing

Needs: needs are an expression of our deepest shared humanity. Understanding, naming, and connecting w/ our needs helps us to both imporve our relationships w/ ourselves.

Requests: making requests allow us to assess how likely we are to get cooperation for particular strategies we have in mind for meeting our needs. Example: Would you tell me how you feel about this? The other person is allowed to say no, this is information for us and our request is too much for the other person. Be concrete, “I would like to spend 3 nights a week with you.” When our request is clear, the other person is more likely to listen to us

Empathy: Expressing our own observations, feelings, needs, and requests to other is also part of non-violent communication

- empathetic connection can sometimes happen silently, but in terms of conflict, verbally communicating to another person that we understand their feelings & needs matter to us can be a powerful turning point in challenge situations. We respect that the other person is the authority for what is going on w/ them

Observation: When you see/hear/blank

Feeling: Are you feeling?

Need: Because you need ...

Request: And would you like ... ?

Self-empathy: in self-empathy, we bring the same compassion to ourselves. Self-empathy at times like this has the power to transform our disconnected state of being and return us to our compassionate intention and present-oriented attention. With practice, many people find that self-empahy alone sometimes resolves inner conflict and conflict w/ others

Summary: What I observe A, I feel B, because I need C. Would you be willing to?

Examples: What I observe:

- see, hear, feel, notice, remember, think about

I feel:

annoyed, angry, disgusted, uneasy, detached, stressed, embarssed, tired, sad, vulnerable, scared, hurt

Because I need:

- Safety, respect, empahty, honesty, love, mutality, to be valued, support, trust, play, accetpance, autonomy

Would you be willing to: (douable, related to present, not a demand: spend more time with me this weekend or reassure me about your feelings)

Active listening:

- Subjective what we do most of the time, focused on the needs of the listener

- Ojbective listening: focused totally on the person who is speaking, it’s effective but doesn’t truly get to the heart of the matter. It does make the listener be heard.

- Active/intuitive listening - listening to all sensory components and intitively conecting to partner’s message, active/intuitive listeners pay attention to the speaker’s real message.

Pattern:

Listen: in order to fully understand what the person is saying to you

Ask questions: that helps you get more information, “what did you mean when you said..”

Reflect: what you heard when you partner said so you can be sure you heard correctly

Offer empathy: for what your partner is saying

#open relationship #feelings #jealousy #communciation

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survivorreelsmagicwithin · 4 years

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Episode 2 - “Y'all. Vote me out fr cause I'm inactive as fronk” - Joshua (through Autumn)

I hate flag-making challenges. I will not be helpful at all, and I hope that someone else can take the reigns and lead us to victory. I honestly feel safe going into a tribal council, but I do not want to test that theory.

Next morning

With Chips and Jules working on the crest designs, I feel confident that we will do well in the challenge. Maybe not the best, but definitely not the worst. I still have the same anxious feeling that my tribe is not active enough for my taste, but I will just have to live with it for now. Besides, at least this is not immunity because that we increase my anxiety by so much. But, I keep forgetting to search the idol hunt which is my bad, but it is just so hard and long that I do not really feel like searching all the time lol

ART CHALLENGE <333 i love these challenges. Jess made my picture 110% better and its super cute. The note that she wrote with it is also hella cute and I love the whole HP aesthetics bc i never got to go to real hogwarts ;-; but i'm sure most of yall can related. The boys weren't too helpful but nick was better than jacob who is sick. Nick was way more active aka jacob said 3 sentences the entire challenge sooooo…. if we lose idk I might just save jacob anyways bc pregame relations.

Won reward, but now we have to win immunity again. I really hope that this reward helps us continue to survive. I don't want to have to vote anyone out. We've been getting first, but I really just want to survive this challenge, its known to be hard.

I think I have been stuck with the second most challenge inept tribe in the history of my ORG career. I literally said so many answers in my version of the story and Jules just fucked it up. And then they got the girl's name wrong. And then they started mixing up characters. I know I did well, but fuck these people. God. Now we need a tribe to get 0 which is very unlikely. I will just resign myself to tribal. I hope and pray that these people have some common sense and do not want to vote me out

Listen. Listen. Listen. I dang knew this story was going to be Harry Potter based. I knew in my brain and in my heart that I shouldn’t have been the one to start that thing. What do I do? Start the dang thing. Oh well. We did alright. I would be shocked if we won tho but if we don’t I’ll be relieved. I def don’t feel confident enough but I really had a lot of fun with my tribe. I really miss this and really hope that my time isn’t cut short! I feel really good about my tribe mates sincerely. And that’s kind of scary! I would hate to see any of us to go and how it’s going to affect the bond we have if we vote someone out. In this moment with Max sitting out, it may be him who goes if we go to tribal. I hope that isn’t the case. I’ve got my fingers crossed for us. Huff Puff strong!

Honestly Jules dropped the ball sis!! But it’s okay, I love her. She’s really nice and I know she tried her best. Plus she’s in an alliance with me and Owen, so we should have the numbers against Joanna or Miguel if we go to tribal. Personally, I’d prefer Joanna to go. She’s kinda domineering, but she’s also an asset in challenges thus far. She is organized and direct. I’ve also talked to her a bit more than Miguel, so I guess I don’t really care who goes.

I’m happy I didn’t fuck up the reward comp and the shit that I drew got us a win!

I really hope I don't bomb that challenge, I answered everything that Kevin talked to me about.... I think! The rest of them tried very hard but I am SOOO glad that I asked to do my part at the end because my memory of repeating things is horrendous but I'm usually pretty good at bullshitting test answers... too bad I got some of the multiple choice stuff wrong.

I think that if we do lose I am still in a good spot on this tribe and hopefully I won't be in danger. I feel like I'm on everyone's good side and Max kind of just disappeared so maybe we could just vote him out this round? Idk.

Hopefully we don't have to worry about it. I smell a swap coming up pretty soon and I just hope I'm either with Owen or with some of the people from my tribe. I have no idea if they know anyone or are close with anyone in the other houses.

I'm still feeling the closest to Lily and Kevin but I have been talking to Landen a good bit too these days so hopefully we'll be safe or we can all just agree on Max.

16 minutes later

OOOOOH IS LANDEN PAVING THE WAY FOR A MOVE TO SEND MAX PACKING???

He just told me that me, lily and kevin are precious angels that must be protected and that he likes Max when he's around too so that sounds like something... HMMM...

I can't get cocky, I always go home when I get cocky. But I like this.

my host chat saw this first (shout-out to Drewie and Dennis): Y’all I’m an idiot. I thought I only knew 2 people in this game (Owen and chips). Then I remembered I also know Jess, Autumn, and dan. Literally love and respect each of you my brain just don’t got the strongest memory no more. I’m so sorry!!!! I literally just told landen I only know 2 ppl. I’m just gonna try to not remember it happened.

Ugh.....I need to get it together.

I love my tribe talking to each other now that we have to!! Everyday I'm like damn either I'm on the bottom or I'm not the only one with piss poor social game. Ok so... the moment the hosts said we got 1 point, I started getting ready for tribal lmaaaooo. No sense crying over it either because all the tribes basically just had to show up in order to beat that

Like how could we not go to tribal with a score of ONE? That shit's embarrassing hahaha. That's like when your teacher passes the test back to everyone sitting around you but not you so you KNOW it's bad. But you know what? It's all good cause I'd rather us take the L now and get it out the way and we can all laugh about it cause losing won't be funny after long. The real question is: will Gryffindor do this the easy way or the hard way caaauusse we all know who the weakest link is. I just wanna see if someone puts two and two together without my prodding. Chips already said we voting together right and I'm like yes sir. There's no better place than being on the same page

WE WON OMG!! Jules basically gave me nothing, which is fine, i understand, but i'm so impressed that we pulled that off. Absolutely killing these reward challenges really helps!

"Y'all. Vote me out fr cause I'm inactive as fronk."

Tonight we learned Joshua is a feminist selfless man that I stan because he's volunteering to go home without me having to put his name out, which I was going to do. Like imagine if every guy had that kind of self-awareness, to recognize why he should be the vote and then embrace it instead of wreaking havoc. And wanting to see others succeed more than yourself? King shit! He knew when to hang it up and did just that. Like the number of times I've seen a vote get complicated for no fucking reason because everyone wants a fight to the death. Enough- I'm old, tired, and cannot exert too much energy at once. We got a long game ahead of us, not to mention quarantine. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you Joshua. We need more players like you and I appreciate your service

im back back BACK AGAIN with another confessional! not much has changed but a few updates for the sake of these being required :) 1. max has become even more inactive, he's not reached out to me personally since the first day and any time i messaged him after that he's sent me nothing back that i can build a convo off of, so we just have stopped speaking. Luckily this challenge only required four people and everyone else SHOWED UP!! or at least spoke about their availability, while he did not. However in his defense he said he was having some issues at home and i feel for him but his inability to connect has been an issue before he spoke about anything in our tribe chat with us. I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt but this point my relationships with the other 3 are leaps and bounds ahead of where I am at with Max. Maybe he can pick up some speed if we continue winning challenges but, it's not looking too hot. SPEAKING OF CHALLENGES, well first we lost reward AGAIN, but we won immunity.. AGAIN! thank goodness for not being first or second boot, i always love being able to avoid these early tribals and if i can get to a swap without seeing one that would be ideal, but also if we do go and maybe vote out max? wouldn't be the worst thing. Moral of the story we won and thats exciting! however.. if we didn't.. the first big push of strategic talk came up with landen when he hinted at being frustrated with max's lack of presence which I also share. I do believe if we lost me and landen could have most definitely picked up ruthie and lily to form a four against him, if he even came to tribal. That would be my ideal situation and if we continue on this tribes hopefully it gives me a nice cushion to fall on if we do lose so i dont have to entirely blow up my social game within the first few rounds by voting out someone i've built a connection with. If max can go and the remaining four hufflepuffs can make a swap I would feel good about that, and maybe in the right circumstances we could work together on the swapped tribes because i genuinely like all of these people (yes max too but in this specific scenario he wouldn't be included bc... well..) anyways to close this off i still absolutely ADORE lily, she is fun and our conversations are really good, and same goes for ruthie, hopefully i dont have to see either of them or myself go home before we can really start playing because i think we could do some damage. :) ok anyways this was longer than i thought it would be goodbye

I'm still not over the fact that I was able to answer 7 of those questions right. I have the memory of a plastic fork. I also love that we are SAFE!

I do kind of hope things get spicy and we swap this round and become two tribes of 9. That'd be cute. I don't want VI to get bored and crack on me. BUT ALSO I think I have solid enough relationships with almost everyone on this tribe... so who knows?!

Also... these hoes really out here trying to search for an idol in PUBLIC. IN PUBLIC. WHAT ON EARTH IS GOING ON HERE?

Dear diary, seems like we keep winning challenges, which is great but tbh i feel like every time i give a disadvantage to my team because english is not my first Language, and so far its been a vocabulary test and a listening and speaking test. I mean I knew I signed up for school but damn. Give me some macarena or drinking tequila challenge and I'll crush it

bippity boppity boo im back again with almost no content kdfasjhdskjfh

Ravenclaw working smarter and we keep winning, period!!! Thankful that y'all put Dan and I together....bc truly we will be unstoppable in these competitions. I kind of want to lose soon though to see how things would shake out, but I don't really have bad blood with anyone. Joanna seems passionate enough in the tribe chat and the challenges, even if she's dry in PMs. Miguel still won't give me anything other than a "how are you," but I hope the best for him in life lol

Still love Jules and Dan, and we made a three person alliance, but I haven't talked with either of them much one on one since it happened.... I really need to step the social game up eventually, but right now, I'm coasting, and maybe that's what I need before I find the time and resources in this game to strike!!

The idol hunt is hard but Dan seems onto something. Honestly he's gonna be a big threat sooner or later so he's sticking around as long as I can keep him! The last two games I've been in I've seen "goats" get dragged to the end and locked in final 3 positions, and then these perceived goats have ended up winning. so I want the big players in this game to rise to the top and fight it out in the end!

let’s say i am como we dice.. fed up with a lot :flushed: a lot meaning joshua starting to get on my nerves a bit! he’s genuinely sweet n all but.. the way he complained about us losing by putting down others work HHH pissed me off. which is why i will be voting him out hehe.. but so far my misting has worked because no one wants to vote me out! mwah

Slytherin killed the memory challenge. We thought we were all gonna flop bc all of us thought we sucked at memory stuff. um well we knocked it out of the park? Ravenclaw got 4 and huff/gryff got 1. We got 7 so oops. I do hope things turn out well for Gryffindor but no one I really know/care about is in that house so I'm not too worried. I hope they continue to lose or even hufflepuff since ravenclaw has 2 of my friends in it.

I have been TERRIBLE with confessionals but only because there's really not been much going on? I have an alliance with Dan and Owen, and even though I wrote off Joanna I was DEFINITELY wrong in doing that. Miguel is sort of the outlier. Our team is kinda iconic though? We've done so well on all the challenges. I might be the weakest link? More to come.

it's pretty sad but the whole tribe has agreed to vote max if we lose, basically he's just never around because of what's going on at home and like thats sad but... we gotta do what we gotta do *shrug*. I'm really feeling good about Hufflepuff moving forward, i've never bonded this much this easily with EVERYONE on a tribe and i just feel like if we keep winning or even if we lose and have to vote out max, we could be a great group for the future. especially i feel great about working with kevin, we dominated eve's game after eve came between us in 2020 that dastardly witch... :P (juuust kiddin. love ya!) but now we could totally do well in this game too i think.....

lily and ruthie are just so sweet and we really bond talking about pretty much anything,, especially lily is a great conversationalist and i just find it so natural to talk to them both. i'd love to work with any combination of people from hufflepuff in the future, hopefully i start sucking a little less at all these challenges. i think i did pretty great on memory :D

So here is the summary of what has happened since last time

We had a reward challenge that was drawing. Mine sucked. Apparently 3/4 so no reward.

We played Telephone. My team didnt realize that details are the most important parts of that and didnt share then with Autumn so Autumn didnt share them with me. Then I didnt know them when asked about them.

We scored 1 point and lost. Since I still have no alliance I'm scared that it could be me. So I kind of got an idea how everyone was feeling.

Juls let me know she wanted to vote Joshua and- it's not me so that's fine!

Then I was talking to Autumn about it and - OOP! Josh asked to be voted out. So unless he plays an idol I'm supposing he is leaving after asking to go.

woo my tribe won immunity!! we are safe! i’m glad bc i’m forming good relationships with ppl on my tribe. i think we all get along rly well so i hope we keep winning. the challenge was fun and i slayed bc i’m skinny mwah

Ya know what’s refreshing? Being on a tribe that actually wins!!! The last three games I’ve played I’ve been on flop ass starting tribes.

Now we’ll lose every challenge

10 minutes later

This sickening bitch just found a hidden immunity idol!!!! Good until f6 L A D I E S!!!!!!

HI BARBS SO I WAS GROUNDED SO I MISSED THE CHALLENGE BUT MY HUFFLEPUFF BABS SLAYED SM SO IM LIVING

CONFESSIONAL 2.1 —

Not much strategy has happened this episode, just simply tribal bonding! We are SlytherWINNING, getting reward and immunity this time! How wonderful.

Regarding my tribe mates, I love all three. I pray, pray, pray we make swap, i do Noh want to be a dirty bad guy and have to vote one out.. yet. Haha.

I was drunk during immunity, one full glass of rum & coke, so I am shocked that we won immunity. Honestly, I feel silly admitting I was drunk to my tribe because... if I can do that when drunk, imagine if I was sober. Competition Beast, duh.

I also gave up my run this round for the tribe to use. Was partially social, partially I just do not understand how to do the Hunt, so I might as well help the greater good. Either way, it comes off positively.

Hoping for a smooth journey for a little longer!

x nick

Joshue has basically quit at this point so I have no fear going into tribal

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reesebird · 5 years

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New Post has been published on https://reesebird.com/2019/05/30/ive-been-trying-to-write-this-post-for-an-hour/

I've been trying to write this post for an hour.

I’ve been trying to sum up my family problems but there’s too much to write. Even when I try to keep it short I can’t. There’s just so much shit that it’s infuriating. Here’s some bullet points about shit that’s just completely pissing me off. It’s in no particular order than that of which it came into my brain. Enjoy.

* My sister is a narcissist that has adult tantrums to get what she wants * My sister has a huge victim complex and plays the victim to manipulate our parents * My mum believes her bs and has been rationalising her tantrums for over 10 years, always referring to some external factor that is “giving her a hard time at the moment”. * My dad would say nasty things about my mum in private and expect me to agree with him * My dad would put me down and pick on me, with my sister, using things I was sensitive about (I got picked on at school for being skinny as a kid and my dad and her picked on me for that too – HE GOT BULLIED FOR THAT TOO AS A KID) * My dad would compete with me in some of the weirdest ways, for example he bought me a nice gaming computer for christmas once, then bought himself one that was twice as powerful saying it’s for “work” lol. He was also a gamer tho * My dad saw me as an extension of his legacy, when he was a programmer he kept trying to force me to become one, then as an electrician he was telling me how he wants to “take over the family business” (btw he ended up going bankrupt cos he’s a horrible businessman lol) * My dad told my mum we were going through “hard times” and he didn’t have much money, could she please take out debt on her credit cards. She maxed her credit cards, he put money away in a separate account ,then left her * My sister has two personalities, one with her immediate family where she’s a complete bitch and we have to walk on eggshells around her, and if an outsider is around she will immediately flip to being a nice, bubbly girl who’s always laughing and smiling. Oh and btw comparing herself to me, to “subtly” (or she thinks) tell everyone how much better she is lol. I mean yeah she’s pretty talented and nobody denies that, she’s very artistic unlike myself, but I guess also insecure about it. * I have to walk on eggshells around my sister, put up with her constant bs and putting me down (when I broke the news I split up with a gf I was in love with, she immediately began to laugh at me, in front of my mum who said nothing btw, and put me down for it telling me I’ll die alone. Haha good one sis) * If I refuse to put up with this level of crap, my sister gets into a mood where she won’t talk to me and overreacts. She’s getting married btw, and I shouted at her, once, when she was being an irritating bitch, putting me down constantly, right after our grandmother died and I was a bit on edge, so she cut communication with me and uninvited me from her wedding. She’s the real victim here, folks, and she must play the part. * My mum will beg me to “just get along with my sister” (see: put up with her constant crap, and her attempts to find dirt to embarrass me in front of family members while simultaneously propping herself up as some sort of wonder-woman). The last time we “fell out” I refused and my mum starts crying, after years of this nonsense I tell her enough is enough but no, my mum and my sister are the victims and I’m a cold hearted bastard * My mum keeps saying some strange shit to me lately. I’ve never shared a lot with my mum, but she’s always tried to pry, however it’s going beyond that. Lately she asked how an “ex” ( a girl I dated for 1 month when I was 15) was doing. I said she ended up getting pregnant at like 17 and having a kid. My mum says “that could have been you”. I told her “wtf of course not”. “You never know, son. Imagine that was you”… huh? Really uncomfortable situation * My mum constantly complains about her dad. How he’s always outside doing random “jobs” that don’t need doing. How he’s not doing the “jobs” that do need doing. How he doesn’t do anything she asks him to do right there and then. How he’s only watching crap on TV. How now he’s not watching anything on TV anymore, just sitting there doing nothing. How he’s so malodramatic in pretending that his leg is hurting (a car fell onto his leg like 40 years ago, he had some surgery to reconstruct his knee but he’s always had pain and problems) or how he’s playing on his vertigo. How he keeps “hoarding” stuff like old wood (which he ends up using btw to re-use to build fences and so on) in a shed outside that she herself NEVER goes in. She’ll go in like once every 2 months then get mad that it’s messy and tell him to throw it out * I have to put up with an uncle who won’t have a normal conversation with me, only talk to me sarcastically, for the sake of my mum. When he comes over I don’t go to the living room to sit with everyone and hang out with him, but according to her I should, because the poor guy just doesn’t know what to say, and he’s just trying to bond with me or something * I have an aunty that I get along with but my mum despises. This aunty said one “mean” thing to my sister once about 8 years ago now and my mum is still mad about it. Being the reasonable person that she is, my mum let’s me maintain a relationship with her but constantly guilt trip me by telling me how mean she was to my sister one time and how she’s a bad person * My mum’s sister in law texts her a lot, usually random crap and my mum gets annoyed and proclaims how she has decided to ignore her messages and only reply every 3 hours or so. Eventually, she stops replying altogether, my aunty then stops texting her, and my mum gets mad that my aunty is “in a mood” and no longer texting. Typical Marie!!! She’s so hot and cold! * My grandad’s wife, my nan, her own mother, died recently. She was aged 77 and her and my grandad have been dating since around 14 years old. My grandad has been slipping into a depression and my mum just COMPLAINS how he cannot do that because she needs someone to walk the dog in the morning and he should “snap out of it” * My mum has such a victim complex that like my sister I’ve always been careful not to rebel or complain or even *gasp* disagree with her because she gets upset. At this point I just want to scream at her to stop being such a selfish bitch and support her dad who is clearly suffering after the love of his life passed away instead of telling me how pathetic he is. * My mum got a dog and my sister GOT MAD AT ME because I tried to teach it to sit on the first day. ISNT THAT WHAT YOURE MEANT TO DO? No, actually, I’m cruel and the dog is “too young for that”, instead we should coddle it, let it bite us, let is become a misbehaving brat, and in about 6 months time we can begin to train it. This resulted in, you guessed it, my sister having a tantrum when my mum and everyone else agreed with me that yes you train your dog from the first day. In the end, she got her way, and now my mum has a dog she can’t control, that she constantly makes excuses for – just like she does for my sister’s tantrums LOL. If this wasn’t my damn life it would be funny. I’m sick of calling home and hearing about how my dog has been “behaving this week, but now we’re taking a backwards turn because he’s biting again”.

I’m studying abroad now and I only call home like every 2 weeks at this point. I don’t text my mum anymore on facebook. I’m sick of calling back and my mum isn’t interested about my life at all, only wants to complain about her stupid shitty problems and her dad. She also likes to update me on my sister’s life and pretend like we still get along. She doesn’t even acknowledge the fact we don’t, most of the time. I DONT FUCKING CARE ANYMORE. I’m done.

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johnnys-so · 7 years

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give us the man, the myth, the legend.... heechul

A/N: im literally skipping so many requests to do this because i wanted to take a break (long day guys) and do the rest over the weekend but i watched this flirty kim heechul video and i just couldn’t wait to do heechul’s

first off, beware of this man he is too smart. diabolic levels of smart.

I used to think that heechul’s charms were essentially wit but its a bit more than that you know? He seems more worldly than the rest. he’s got the banter-worthy wit that I’d expect from a victorian london rake, the kind of people who you think you can just joke around with and outwit them…. but nope. they are always a step ahead of you.

which is probably a natural thing he had to learn. i can’t believe that he could have remained the innocent trainee from the suburbs coming up to seoul to train at SM right? 10 years and so many scandals, he would have picked up a few tricks on his way up

is good looking and knows it. makes him that much more dangerous. definitely the kind of person who’d flirt with people who he knows, can handle it. i think he’s way past the age when he would flirt for the sake of flirting. atleast from what i see of him on “Knowing Brothers” he seems on the line about settling down but hes almost there

i mean its not like he’s young and dainty either. living alone for so long can do that to someone. but seriously, he’s lived alone for so long and his house is always shown as a clean space with designated rooms and has kept it up so well. imagine the self confidence he must have to always keep his house in good shape. if you can’t keep yourself in good shape, I don’t think anyone could have the time or energy or honestly, the fucks, to keep their living spaces clean.

he’s clearly made some mistakes in life. he used to be an absolute asshole and flirt to everyone who liked him for his looks (note that i said ‘liked him for looks’ people who valued his personality were more favourably viewed) but after that accident, he seems to have gotten a better hold of himself and ofcourse he’s still a fucking flirt but, he knows his limits you know

loyalty and honour is strong with this man. i can say this with certainty because there is little one can change about oneself past the age of 26 right? and he always reminds himself of his roots. even if he cannot always stays grounded, when it counts, he reminds himself to choose the ones that stuck by him when he needed it.

knows women too well (i admire this man so much like TEACH ME YOUR WAYS SENSEI)

but considering his wit, and just how well he can read people, i’d daresay he’d be a good manipulator. he feels like a kingmaker role to me you know. he doesn’t make his moves in front of everyone but he knows just exactly where he’ll end up on a chessboard you know? not someone to play against. also i really dont think he’d have the patience for chess tbh, more of a league of legends dude/

loves his dongsengs, really does, but still ruthless and savage if the situation arises. WILL NOT MISS A CHANCE TO LAUGH AT YOu if you fall or embarrass yourself publicly say goodbye to your reputation

honestly such a good host??? his brain must be so clean and organized because he knows what expressions to pull, who to ask, who to turn to, which member is being left out and everything. im always so impressed

but also, a brain thats murking in the gutter. comes up with all the dirty jokes first.

such a geek but is that even a secret? his house is the ultimate gamer den and every time he explodes into song on “Knowing Brothers” i have to google the songs because a) i wasn’t even born then what the hell b) if he sings it so well, how good must that original song be

his personality is like a savage aunt that you don’t wanna cross but when he sings, you want to melt into a puddle. he makes you feel like all you need to do is trust him and his voice in this world and everything is taken care of

i wonder how much pain and sadness he still keeps in his heart. when people randomly bring up his exes on live TV, he has this split second expressions of melancholy but he always controls his expression better. awfully brave of him to always share his relationships (i suppose he doesn’t always have much say in the matter) but hes also so careful about who he’s caught in public with because he knows his reputation will tamper theirs too.

the kind of person who deserves to be appreciated and lauded for who he is and what he’s gone through because heechul you couldn’t soil anyone’s reputation. if anything, anyone around you is always smiling or constantly in awe of your wit (or secretly hating your guts because you can be pretty annoying) pls pls pls know this, you are loved by so many

would make the perfect entertainment husband someday saying all the right words and making people laugh. how he’d be during tough times - i really cant predict.

pls get married and have a child so i can see you on return of superman someday because you’d be such a good father.

#kim heechul #super junior #character analysis #heechul #fuck i love this man i'd honestly kill for him #i'd probably have to kill someone with him and then figure out how to dispose the body but oh well

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moidse · 4 years

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So, tbh ever since you told me you were gonna start seeing ori it instantly sent a bunch of insecurities through me. Ive never really felt like i had a right to vocalize this but it isnt just going away so i should probably share my feelings... which is hard because my brain keeps telling me that im a bother and sharing my anxious thoughts is a hassle and will push you away... anyways lol

I honestly do not have a lot of experience with non-monogamy... i mean i dont have that much dating experience either but I've never really been seeing someone who is seeing someone else and so ive never been challenged with all of these anxious thoughts that I've been fighting every week... its like, yeah when i was seeing my ex again a little in the summer they were seeing someone else but i wasn't really trying to jump back in a serious relationship with them and also i had more of a history with them then the other person so i wasnt that insecure and i felt like i had already built a foundation of trust and security with that person so i wasnt that anxious and i was like oh yeah maybe this isn't as scary and impossible as i have thought in the past.

The situation i am in now with you and ori is like the opposite and it's made me incredibly insecure from literally day one of you telling me yall are dating..

My mind immediately thought, okay so you are now seeing this person who you've been very close to and have known much longer than me, yall are much closer to each other than where i am with you and yall live in the same city... my mind just immediately thought, cool i am number 2 now, i am the side person now... and thats honestly an anxiety i have to talk myself down from like... every week... and it sux... and knowing this now you can probably imagine how i was immediately triggered seeing like 6 posts of y'alls first date when you've never posted about me... it just made me immediately feel like my anxious feelings had been confirmed and it sucked and idk what to do with these feelings... I'm jealous that yall have a deeper connection and that they get to be in your world and see you multiple times a week... i have a bad habit of comparing myself to others and feeling like things are a competition...

I honestly wish that we got to be together for a few months first before you started seeing other ppl but when we had that talk i assumed itd be a minute before either of us met someone we'd be interested in and it turned out literally the next week you started dating someone so it really just called my bluff and that im not super into this... i wish we got to be together for a few months just us, so i felt more secure and trusted this relstionship more before you started seeing other ppl but like i also do not feel like i have a right to tell you who you should and shouldn't be dating... basically I'm not suggesting to stop seeing them

I honestly don't know what to do with these insecurities .... but you should know that I've been struggling with calming these anxieties down ever since you first told me and its just hard i dont like having these insecurities every week and trying to convince myself i am not just some side person outside your actual world and i hate it... it makes me feel like im not enough and for circumstances that i cannot control... like what am i gonna do move to cbus??lol.. no... idk i hate this feeling and insecurity i have

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jess-oh · 7 years

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Reflection

i’m pretty sure im recovering so slowly bc im actually sick.

i’ve been feeling super cold all day which is waay out of character for me, someone who is constantly hot.

but no ac, closed windows, im usually overheating to the point of sweating in 90 degree weather.

but i’ve been so cold not only today but also the past few days. and i think my health has just been decreasing ever since. the first night had a hard time sleeping, i felt an excruciating amount of pain in my mouth. it didn’t hurt as much as my ear but i’d compare it closely to that. and, my brain was just so fucked up. it was the same as when i first started watching izombie and i was absolutely convinced that they were real and going to eat me. and my logical side knew better, knowing that it was just a show and normally, im honestly fine with the show. but on that particular night, it was a living nightmare. and i went through that again my first night after my surgery except this time, it was with sally face. the game, really isn’t even scary or graphically horrifying in the least. but i couldn’t shake the thought. i just

i could not escape my own mental prison. and it was terrible. bc not only did the overwhelming pain keep me up, but also the games my mind was playing on myself.

im still in pain now but im definitely doing better. it’s very similar to how i was doing yesterday, except for the fact that i felt a lot hungrier and colder and weaker. but i am really hoping and praying that i get to sleep better tonight.

this saturday is our class barbecue at ethan’s house and i definitely want to go, if not to just bond with my fellow peers. BUT IM SO SAD THAT I WILL MOST LIKELY NOT BE ABLE TO EAT ANYTHING :(((( It is day 3 and i still cannot fully close my mouth. my teeth cannot touch each other without my cheeks getting in the way first. anything that i have attempted to chew required my tongue to stand as the middle man in between my teeth. and it’s frustrating!!! but i really really really want to eat good food along with my fellow classmates T 0 T

i’m just really hoping that my mouth doesn’t pose as an issue when i go up to retreat. there is no way that i will not go to retreat. OKAY FUTURE JESSICA? REMEMBER THIS. NO MATTER HOW MUCH PAIN YOU’RE IN OR HOW MUCH YOU JUST WANT TO TAKE THE EASY WAY OUT, JUST REMEMBER THAT YOU CHOSE TO COME HOME SO THAT YOU COULD GO TO SUMMER RETREAT. AND THIS ONE SURGERY IS NOT GOING TO STOP YOU. DON’T LET IT.

im trying to figure out some last few plans before returning to chitown. i’m still kinda worried about my money but at least im guaranteed a job in the woodshop when i return. and it’ll be a decent paycheck so. i just gotta hope that i have enough money for textbooks and food for the time being. maybe new notebooks but i think im just going to focus on the essentials right now, like food. i kinda don’t want to starve although there will probably be days when i have to. im happy that i decided to take the latter half of august off but the other part of me wishes i decided to keep working so that i wouldn’t have to worry about money so much. i can’t even imagine how stressed i’ll be once i try paying for an apartment with monthly rent. living off of a minimum wage job is tough. i think i’ll definitely have to be willing to get an additional roommate to live with me in my room to lower the cost of living. even if it’s uncomfortable, ~$250 is way better than trying to pay $500 a month. Especially when I have to think about money for projects too.

since i’ve basically been bedridden all day, i’ve had a lot of time to think. i was watching some christmas catcreature videos and i was reminded of the importance of friends and family, i really have loved being back here and imagining a future where i never return to these people and my life in california... it almost seems crazy. i really appreciate my late night trips with david and andrew and i hope we can do them again in the future. it’s honestly been great getting to know my parents and my sister on a deeper level. and i’ve been bonding a lot more with my class at church. and i am really excited to go to our get together. last summer, before i left, things were still pretty toxic. i had to leave but i literally could not handle being stuck in such a toxic environment any longer. and it breaks my heart that jude has to keep going through that. i would’ve lost my mind. literally. i never felt good enough for anyone. and when they shut me out, it just caused me to feel even worse about myself. but since then, so much has changed. and we’ve all matured so so so so much. and that’s honestly really great and i am beyond glad to be able to grow and thrive with these people.

but i have realized that it’s been hard for me to really be open and vocal about my emotions and how i’m feeling. i’ve been pretty good at venting in these blog posts and admittedly, sometimes i felt restricted bc i knew that jeanne and andrew could see these deeply personal words. but knowing that they both kinda gave up on keeping me up allowed me to be more open again. which kinda sucks. bc that means i’m just keeping everything to myself again. and honestly, writing everything down and just brain dumping has been immensely helpful in allowing me to better process my current situation and surroundings. i don’t want to forget these moments or these feelings.

but i also don’t want to shut people out bc i now have this medium where i can just vent and truly express myself. i want to include people in my life still and i think sharing life on such a deep and personal level allows you to become much closer with people. by just talking about everything im going through here... yes, it helps me better understand my current circumstances but it also does not warrant any kind of reward. it’s just me, myself, and i.

i think the reason andrew and i are kinda awkward now is not bc we started hanging out in person. it’s bc i started shutting him off from my deep, personal, and emotional problems. which i’m definitely still struggling with. i am getting better at facing and understanding them but i’m still not done. and i started excluding him from that.

and i’m sorry.

i am.

and i want to get better at this. but i think there’s always a part of me that worries that im expecting too much out of other people and i dont want to be so incredibly dependent again. bc at that time, i basically couldn’t make any decisions on my own. i relied solely on the words of others. primarily anthony’s. and i don’t want to do that again. and i think what andrew and i had for a time worked bc we both felt comfortable enough to vent to each other about our own issues and it was never a one sided thing. and i guess i’m just afraid that it’s going to become that.

#reflection

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