#i don't really want a break. i just want people to want to interact with me sometimes.

[shikai-the-storyteller]

Hmm

#i talk #I want to be excited about this but it kinda also feels... I dunno #as much as we love joking about a beach episode it just doesn't feel like a super appropriate time for a big server-wide event #(assuming this is an event since you know. ''Festival'' and all that) #I'm sure things are still being worked on behind the scenes and yeah a lot of that stuff takes time #and I know they did that whole previous stream to give an excuse for the eggs being MIA #and I do still want to see creators interacting and stuff and doing cultural exchanges and all that since that's the point of the server #But I dunno. as long as the admin thing is in limbo I'm not really sure how to feel about event stuff #discourse #I'm interested in hearing other people's thoughts on this #negative #ish #I also just straight up don't think any members will log in either #except for like Bad maybe and one or two others but that's it #qsmp talk #Sorry for the repost Tumblr keeps breaking and leaving reblogs on

[manda-kat]

I still don't understand the lengths that people will go to to justify touching someone's dog without permission, so let me break this down:

It is really dumb to touch or approach an animal you do not know without clear confirmation that it is alright for you to do so.

It is incredibly gross and entitled to touch somebody else's belongings without direct permission from them.

A strangers pet is literally both a strange animal and somebody's property. Do not touch without permission.

"But if they're walking their dog in public they obviously want their dog to be pet-" NOPE! Nu-uh. That is blatantly untrue. Some quick reasons why somebody might have their dog in public and may not want people approaching and petting the dog:

The dog is a service animal

They couldn't get anyone to watch the dog but still needed to run an errand

They've been out all day and are done socializing and just want to finish up what they're doing

The dog is becoming stressed and they need to get away from people

They just got the dog and are slowly acclimating it to public situations and want to keep interactions as controlled as possible

They think you look suspicious, irresponsible or intimidating and don't want you putting your hands on their pet

They are traveling with the dog and are just taking it out for some fresh air

They are a normal person who doesn't want a stranger touching their dog without asking permission

#the world is not your petting zoo #go volunteer to walk dogs at a shelter

[mhsdatgo]

The Helaemonds/Helaegons need to calm down.

Don't get me wrong, it's always refreshing to see some people fill in the gaps of a basically untold relationship such as the one between the green kids in general, but this goes beyond basic obsessive shippy discourse. Leave this poor girl alone. Why's there an obsession with having her be romantically paired with her brothers, one worse than the other?

I understand the show has basically shown so little of her to the point where we didn’t even have a coronation for her on screen, so therefore you can self insert through her and have fun with headcanons regarding Aegon and Aemond. Really, I'm not faulting their girlies, you can be head over heels for whatever actor in character you want (unless you put them on pedestals and start acting like they did nothing wrong and pounce on whoever contests them, THEN we have a problem) but I assure you, Helaena would barely want anything to do with either of them.

Aegon is a sex pest turned sex offender, a drunkard and a neglectful father and husband at best. Her infamous toast in ep.8 has us believing that he cannot for the life of him interact with her unless he's horny drunk or that he forces himself on her at worst.* He was ready to leave them all in ep.9 before he was caught. Even the book is subtle about their relationship: all we know of them is that they sleep in shared chambers, that she was someone important and reliable in Aegon's council before B&C, and that he named her and Alicent the true Queens of his reign.

*(⚠️TW: PERSONAL OPINION⚠️ I'm not saying this last one isn't a possibility but it's sill outrageous for the way people speak about Helaena in defence of this "claim". No, she wouldn't joke about her own r*pe in front of the whole table full of people she doesn't know and right beside her abuser, and despite the hour-long metas I've read about how she's basically "too sheltered" to know what r*pe even means, I assure you she's a high-functioning autistic, not 5 years old. She can understand it perfectly.)

Helaemond is a pure show invention, I honestly wasn't expecting this many people to go up this kind of train. They barely interact, and most of the time it's Aemond saying he'd "perform his duty" should Helaena ever be wed to him, or that stare in ep.9 when he enters her chambers toiling after Alicent. It's, as always, the Aemond girlies who think poor Helaena would live her best life with Aemond, or that they are already romantically involved behind the scenes. The amount of "if one possesses a thing, the other will take it away" edits from people that are FULLY CONVINCED "the thing" is Helaena and that "the one" and "the other" are Aemond and Aegon respectively is honestly concerning.

Fics that are all about Aegon doing the worst and unspeakable things to her so "Aemond can come and save her" are y'all okay? Out of all people, HE has to save her?

Babes, I'm sorry to break your bubble, but this isn't Aegon IV/Naerys/Aemon on steroids. Aemond didn't give two shits about Helaena. No, he wasn't jealous when Jace came to ask her to dance, he just wanted to stir some shit. If we talk about the books, he didn't fucking hesitate to leave King's Landing, his sister, his mother and whatever he was doing for the Riverlands the second he heard that Daemon was there. And he brought the only means of defence they had with him. If he knew how important Vhagar was for the city's defence, he's evil, if he didn't realize it, he's dumb as fuck. Which one is it, Aemond girlies?

People beat each other to the curb about Jaehaerys, Jaehaera and Maelor's paternity like it's the Wars of The Roses. They put Helaena and Alys against the other like they have personal beef with one of them.

Stop mentioning this sweetheart only when it's about praising or hating one of her brothers. No, it's not the only option you have because she's underdeveloped as a character. There's actually another one.

LEAVE HER THE FUCK ALONE.

#house of the dragon #fire and blood #helaena targaryen #pro helaena targaryen #helaena deserved better #aegon ii targaryen #aemond targaryen #anti helaemond #anti helaegon

[slumbergoblin]

Hi Mei :)

#pmatga #my art #pmatga oc #mei lián #“I have been drawing Mei.” #“What?” #“I have done nothing but draw Mei for 3 days.” #well- it's when she was in her 30s^^;; #also when she and Betrayus were first interacting! Betrayus initially did not like her! #he wasn't used to someone actively trying to seek out and get to know him. so he was just his usual #“grr I don't like talking to new people and I'm always grumpy blah blah blah” <- paraphrasing #I really need to just. write everything I can about her down and then just slap it here because I feel like I haven't conveyed who #she really is and how she acts as a character. I feel like she's still too empty on a surface level in my drawings #but in my head she's /way/ more fleshed out #like she's an engineer. she has 3 younger siblings. she's a hard worker (to the point where even betrayus tells her to take breaks). #she's the person who makes betrayus open up and see the world in a better light! she had such a huge influence on him and helped him grow! #I just don't want her to be 'this is betrayus's wife! and that's it!' you know? I /need/ there to be more #but alas. it is hard for me to write u_u #uuuoohh I forgot I have to draw her motorcycle too..... uwwahhh... #also notes: I didn't draw her shoes on the full-body on the left. and I didn't actually 'color' her clothing on the full-body on the right #I grey-scaled it. but never went through with coloring it

[topaztimes]

Hi this is a vent post! Continue scrolling if you'd rather not see that

#Giving time... #Still more time... #Wouldn't want to plague any previews #Maybe another filler. Just for some fun #Is this enough? #It certainly is now #Alright start: #I'm so bored. I am so incredibly; intrinsically; entirely bored. I have been taught the same thing for four years straight #'It's only four years!' that's literally a quarter of my lifetime right there. My formative years are being spent stressed and in a state / #/of constant self-loathing #I was watching a YT video and the phrase 'attention-starved STEM major' came up and I was like. Yea #What am I even working towards? The hope that my version of capitalist hell isn't as bad as everyone else's? I'm just so sick of not / #/having a stable future what with politics and normal working people becoming more and more oppressed #I don't want to work and that's not because I'm lazy. It's because my brain is recognising that there is no reward anymore #I used to have such a little spark in Yr7. I remember having things to say and wanting to share everything I've done #I still do that now; sure I do. I don't enjoy it though #I thought I liked drawing but I'm realising that all I really like is the attention. I COULD draw things I like drawing... but then I / #/ don't get attention which my mind then classifies as zero reward #I'm very tired of doing things for no credit; reward; or validation. This is becoming a theme #Then I wonder what I'm doing wrong. What part of the algorithm am I not hitting. Then I realise that I'm just not marketable in a way #God. I'm seriously breaking rn. It's not even only because of GCSEs #It's just a culmination of doing all these things to be told that I am unworthy of Having as a result. It doesn't matter if I'm smart; my / #/ parents still don't own their house and can't afford to pay for heating most days #Literally what am I doing this for #And then I realise that all of this is ALSO attention-seeking behaviour! I'm my own worst problem; I recognise exactly what's wrong with / #/ myself but the body wants what it wants. And what it wants is validation that I'm not going to get in this life #Hi guys! Maybe don't interact. That could fix me #Wean me off of needing virtual numbers just to feel something. Jesus #I can't even be happy with the things that I make for myself. Because I make nothing for myself anymore #It's just a whole sad existence of an expected 12hr+ of school every day until I get a job I guess. Then it's 12hr+ of job every day until

[lucalicatteart]

Poll adventure (paventure? lol) Day 16: read the small story tidbit below the poll for more details, OR just vote based on initial impression

(✦ see past poll results + further information HERE (link) ✦)

Yesterday's poll decided that The Adventurer should offer to help the travelers with their broken wagon.....

~

After much internal deliberation (and some zoning out staring at butterflies), The Adventurer decides it would be best to offer his assistance. Technically, he IS still following his goal of not getting distracted, because theoretically it would make his journey much faster if he were able to catch a ride on a carriage. So really, this is all an ultimate big brain genius strategy for maximizing efficient travel.. Or, at least that sounds like a good enough justification to him.

Gathering up all of his social courage, he approaches one of the travelers fiddling with a broken wheel near the far end of the carriage and meekly asks if there's anything he could do to help.

The man was so focused on his task, he seems initially startled to look up and find someone near him. "OH..! Oh, uhh.. help? With the wagon?", he smiles pleasantly, gesturing towards a few wooden boards that are just out of his reach, "Sure, kid. If you could just hand me th-"

"Apologies, but we actually won't be needing your assistance, stranger." A taller man, surprisingly almost matching the stature of the Adventurer, suddenly slinks out from somewhere behind the carriage, sternly placing himself like a barrier in front of the man working on the wheel. Wheel Guy nervously averts his eyes, making himself smaller, silently resuming his work.

The Adventurer tries his best to maintain composure against the weight of the tall man's bitter gaze, but can't seem to muster much of a response "Aeughh,,, uh… b-but, h- Bu--HHHh,,?.."

"Look, disregard whatever my father told you, he's old, never has any clue what he's talking about. It'd be best for you to simply move along." ('Father'? They don't look alike at all, and seem to be nearly the same age..)

"W-well.. he.. he didn't really tell me anything, I me-hhH,,.. I mean, I literally just got here, s-so...."

"Good. Even more reason to be on your way."

Placing a gloved hand firmly on his shoulder, the tall man begins to motion the Adventurer away from the wagon, but a strange noise interrupts, echoing from inside. Perhaps some sort of animal sound? Or a person faintly yelling about something? Or… both?

"WH-wHggg… whAT was t-that???!!" The Adventurer immediately stops in place, pausing to listen as the tall man keeps trying to push him ahead.

"I didn't hear anything, stranger."

"No, t-there.. was dEFinitely, UHH, a-"

"Likely something in the forest."

"Wh--aah... d.. do you think it was an animal?"

The tall man continues a dramatic struggle to 'subtly' drag him further down the road, whilst the Adventurer mindlessly digs in his heels, too distracted to even notice he's being so strongly prompted to leave.

"Many animals do, indeed, exist within forests. This should not be suprising."

"...It's just.. ..eughh… s… so weird…"

"I assure you, it is not."

"I-it really sounded like.. like it came f-from insid-"

"Yes, from inside the forest. Now, please, if you would.."

The noise interrupts again. It's definitely someone, or something, in some sort of distress.. And definitely from inside of the cart.

"wHoAAGH, aa!!! T-tHat's NOT from the f-forest, that-"

The tall man fully just shoves him now, sending the Adventurer toppling across the dirt, clumsily rolling and landing just past the other side of the carriage. A mother and young child who seem to be part of the traveling group simply stare down at him with empty blank gazes, wholly unconcerned about helping him up.

As the Adventurer fumbles back to his feet (still confused as to why he was even pushed in the first place), the tall man looms by the carriage, diligently watching to ensure that he leaves.

"Travel safe, stranger."

Despite his initial obliviousness, the Adventurer begins to piece the situation together as he stares back at the man, now fully convinced something suspicious might be going on...

…What should he do next??

~

~

~

Additional Information

the adventurer's current main quest: follow his map to reach the abandoned castle ruins and see the rare animal specialist about the mysterious egg he has

#paventure posting #poll #polls #choose your own adventure #ERM.. ... hee hee... yes.. alas.. it has been like two months since the last one lol #IT'S SUMMER!!!! how can anyone function in the summer..? It's literally 83F in my room indoors right now at this moment at NIGHT #I'm about to go to sleep.. who can sleep in an 80+ degree room comfortably?? ghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh #Really no hope of productivity at all from like June - September basically... EVIL.. and also the spring this year had some heat waves so #AUGhh... my nemesis the Summer.. Or moreso capitalism is my nemesis for worsening climate change and also keeping people in such #economic inequality that cheap apartments with terrible ventilation get made and people cant afford air conditioners and etc. etc. #but ALSO... the summer... grrrr.. 'Heat' you will never be famous.. you will always be lame nasty and so forth.. #ANYWAY.. also sorry this is another blurb that's longer. The text is always longer when there's actually spoken interactions lol #I know I'm not very good at this style of writing (especially when rushing with these) so I always feel kind of awkward having really long #sections people will have to slog through or etc ghbjhjh but.. I don't really know how it make it shorter. the interaction #is just the interaction. certain things must be said and conveyed. peace and love on planet orth. #Ough it's been so long I almost forgot to draw his injuries lol.. in-world it's only been what like.. a day? since he got into a fight with #that mysterious cloaked person who was tracking him to steal the egg. I also always just forget how to draw him in between breaks #hopefully his hair and stuff doesn't look too different. They're meant to be really quick sketches anyway but still.. you at least want him #to be recognizable lol #ANYWAY.. another update from the Son.. what is he up to on his little traveles...

[sango-obligato]

hey. huge hug for everyone who was traumatised by the chip fandom. y'all fucking deserve a big hug and i hope all of you are doing okay now. care about you guys 💙💙💙

#sorry for seriousposting in the tags but there's shit that's been on my mind #knowing people don't want shit to do with chip anymore breaks my heart. how did a small fandom hurt so many people #and how did a loud minority completely fuck everyone up #the other day i realised i had been abused by gremlin through her posing as yuzu (thank you nure for telling me this). and ive just been. #i will probably make a better post about this but it's 1am and i do not want flashbacks tonight #chip is a partial trigger for me thanks to that and another thing (personal shit) #and i only really interact through the discord and through gijinka content now #i am really happy that there's a fandom that's thriving now and the fandom has had my back (love you chip discord) #but that mark is still there #i hope everyone who was affected by the fandom is doing okay now #this post goes out for everyone affected by the fandom #harmony sings #harmony rants #chipspeech

[benetnvsch]

I love it when im looking at my own post on my own Tumblr and it shows me the 'more like this' collection of posts and it shows posts from blogs I've blocked like?? Yes girl that’s exactly what I wonna see :D man this site is insufferable lol

#ig this is kinda like a vent but not really im just being petty :p #man I fucking hate this webbed site #would y'all hate me if I left Tumblr and moved to twitter fr this time LMAO #this also happens to posts by people I've blocked reblogged by others like?? Tumblr STOP I do not want to see that askdjhadkj- #I don't really need to know when my mutuals are doing that come on now :// #also the blacklisting feature?? why do u need to give me the option to see posts just just let me mute things for good <//3 #in some strange way I think twitter functions work better than Tumblr lol #at least my notifications are real there and half my followers aren't bots </3 blocks actually fucking work #so much easier to tell what people believe in/stand for too akjdhjd- #someone liked a tweet of mine and right in their bio they had like all the twt factions they're in and Saw Some Alarming ones and nope righ #to the blocklist- I don't have that type of security on Tumblr ppl actually keep parts of their lives private here wtf /lh /hj #the issue with twitter though is that im afraid to be annoying there cuz I mostly just post art and interact with like the 5 mutuals Im - #not afraid of #also tags on Tumblr my beloved <33 #also no one on twitter knows im a Furry Artist Primarily and atp im too scared to let it be known </3 #im just a silly wolf girl who accidentally grew a following release me from this hell /lh #Maybaps it’s time for me to take a Tumblrer break now that the season is bungover

[plexippusangel]

I either need to accept that I am just a way stronger person than this friend and can handle way more while still being able to engage with the world as a person, or recognize excuses as excuses, accept that I am not valued and be done or. Maybe both. Idk. It might be somewhere between the two. I am just sick of regular life stuff rendering him unable to spend any time with me, and of him being unable to bear any of the details of my life, when I would move mountains to rekindle our friendship. Though I'm starting to wonder if I still would.

#faer personal files #i just. really didn't want officiating his wedding to be our last hurrah of friendship even though i did kind of feel it coming #also i'm really sick of being infantilized for my chronic fatigue i am a grown adult and i know what i'm capable of #ugh. maybe i'm just being awful and not understanding in which case i'm too much of a rancid person to be his friend i guess #but i don't think that's the case #idk i'll never forget when i couldn't see this dude for a year even masked up outside for covid but when another of our old friends came up #from her job doing COVID RELATED CROWD CONTROL FOR THE FUCKING ARMY he went on a hike with her mask off #and i think that says a lot about what our friendship's been for years honestly. if he can't bear my company idk why i try #if i'm just an interesting prop for conversations and occasions but not a friend. i can't accept that #i am an interesting prop for conversations. the disabled genderfluid bisexual genius who lost everything bc of said disability #but i didn't lose everything i just have to fucking rebuild on new ground. and i am doing that. i whine on occasion but i am so strong #and i do know how to interact with people without traumadumping i haven't on him in YEARS but his concept of me crystalized at age 21 #or something like that i guess. idk it just breaks my heart #bc for a long time he was my person. he was the only person who knew the authentic me. more even than my sisters at times. #and yeah that was a little unhealthy but at the time he craved that!!! #and then i grew up and stopped needing him like that around the same time he stopped wanting that and it should have been fucking fine #but like. even senior year of college when i was sick it was already starting to fall apart #like i remember being on a small hike once being exhausted and jokingly being like you gotta carry me back and then being like #no really i might actually need an arm to lean on by the end of this walk if i'm gonna make it back to the car i really don't know if i can #and he said no bc he didn't want to look straight. who the fuck CARES??? i could barely walk i was stumbling my way back annoying him going #too slow. fuck. and that really has been what our friendship has been for years. the minute my house wasn't the most convenient place it wa #more or less dead idk why i keep dragging this horse around #idk why i keep letting him break my heart like this it's so stupid he's never gonna care about me like he did when i was quick and brillian #but never quite as smart as him in his view. fuck him. i'm smarter. just bc i was a little gullible or paranoid at times bc of the #FUCKING CPTSD doesn't mean i was dumber than him. the fuck??? there's something wrong with me i swear idk why i hang on #anyway i'm irritated. but i'm also reluctant to throw away somebody who's seen me through key points in my life. so.

[toygirljackal-archive]

Fuck I feel so dumb

#vent in the tags #she doesn't follow me anymore. why does such a simple thing hurt so much. #I'm mourning a relationship that barely even happened... but it feels so impossible to move on from... #I... really hate that I feel this way. it feels unfair to people I love now... #vaguing but do you ever instantly hit it off with someone and fall immediately in love but then fuck it up and become unable to interact #for like weeks. and she cared about you and you cared about her but it didn't work and it was your fault. and you try to move on... #but every fourth thought is about her and how much you wish she was in your arms and you in hers. and you love other people but not like he #like somehow this person you've only known for a week and a half is more important than anyone else but she's the one person you forced awa #and it's been weeks and you still can't say anything because you know you'd only hurt her. but what if you could make her understand? #but if she can't you'll just be hurting her over and over and you can't bring yourself to risk that. bc you love her #you love her too much to love her. cruel irony #and maybe if she wanted she'd text you. but maybe she's feeling the same way and is waiting for you. so you're torn #do you share your feelings honestly and risk hurting her or leave her alone and risk hurting... #would it be better if you made yourself the bad guy? would she hurt less if she believed you were as bad as you think you were? #would it be better if you told her a lie. that you moved on. that you didn't love her anymore. or would it break her heart? #all I want is for her to be happy. and I know I can't give her that... #and she shared her struggles to feel worthy... and I KNOW she's worth it all and more... a million times more than I could ever give her... #I feel like I gave her false hope and broke her even worse... she said I didn't hurt her. I don't believe her but I really hope it's true #I think I'll be thinking about her forever. wondering “what if”s till I die

[missionkitty]

sometimes i really wish i could easily respond to tags because you guys really come through with them and just make some rough days a lot better but i don't wanna clog your dms or your notifications (i love you guys but i get petrified to engage with you sometimes 🫠 i am a big anxious weenie)

i put something kind of regarding this in my pinned post but i absolutely am so okay with you guys going deep into my blog for my old art or things or spam liking (and maybe a reblog here and there) things i've previously posted 😭 especially if you're new!

🅱️lease feel free to take a look at my older stuff!!! treat this like a museum and wander to your heart's content 🥰

i try to keep stuff circulating in my reblog side @missionkittyroyal but WAY more people follow me on here than on there and i am kind of trying keep this one more portfolio style

aaaanyway if you're reading this and you've recently reblogged something from a little while ago, your tags have basically saved my morning and you probably know who you are and i love you you

#will probably delete later #but i wanted to put it out there without breaking myself into a cold sweat this morning with a dm #it was a long night last night and i am not totally normal right now lol #also sidenote? i saw a story post from someone i follow on instagram of them #being proud of blocking somone 'in the middle of spam liking' all their stuff #and it made me really sad... #cause spam liking doesn't really affect the account being liked...but there's such a strange almost toxic mindset #especially among the artist community that i've seen that scorns these things #that have so much scorn for people going and looking at older stuff #and instagram is partly to blame too with the prioritization of constantly new content #but like...if i see a string of likes through my stuff i am pleased to know that i have maybe tickled your senses a little #and even better if you reblog things and follow to stick around #so please!! if you see something older that you like don't be afraid to interact with it #i'm from the deviantart era where galleries were meant to be explored over and over again #tumblr is able to kind of encapsulate that feeling still #oof sorry for going off on a huge tangent in the tags #just that ig story still makes me sad to think of

[unproduciblesmackdown]

with the recent like self-analytical framework of [putting hand on own shoulder] "are you looking for the external validation of value in this which would never be guaranteed, and you don't even think it should be contingent on this anyways" it's like, that also speaks more to like "yeah i did really enjoy live performance / theatre-adjacent and -overlapping stuff"

like i have my sense of how much i loved things and none of that involves any memories of having enjoyed it b/c of any feedback i got, from peers or instructors or anything. memories of curtain calls don't stand out much. like fun Specific Feedback was a kind older (relative to me) performer with the central role telling me that my literal leaping onstage (dance performance. grande jete entrance) despite a technical difficulty that would have to be improvised around was Inspirational/Motivating lol. i stopped having any particular stage fright (although is that when you're onstage? more like, anxiety beforehand about messing up. being onstage was the easier, enjoyable part) thanks to just having to yolo through those technical difficulties lol....anyways and then that same show actually, some relative to me younger audience member's dad was like "she's your (role's) biggest fan" and we nervously take a pic together lol. these things were fun & standout but Not Even It; not at all like "this is what makes it all worth it" like this is largely beside the point but a fun little bonus outlier event or two

like there was also no "i loved it b/c of Being In A Cast" nor b/c of any particular like, hanging out having fun Social Element. i loved rehearsing, though. loved being backstage (or in green rooms, or dressing rooms) but not because of any particular company or goings on. loved waiting & practicing / warming up & getting things together like your own costuming & being summoned to backstage & whatall. loved all the technical elements of getting a show together, when things were being assembled / worked out, though i didn't get to have much of any active hand b/c i'm like this twelve year old just learning the part, but it was fun to witness. none of my sense of what contributed to having a great time entailed any particular praise or anything; there was some implicitness in how all at once i graduated from [ensemble performance, back row for tall people] to [roles with solos] and the like, but there was just like, being busy, doing things well enough that it just wasn't Impeding anything lol, and in other arenas where i might've gotten more comments about being like, an outlier per whatever measure of success, it was definitely like, it's all just [successfully avoided negative attention] and ofc people think good grades are good but i'm not particularly moved by the awareness that that in turn is what's good or impressive about me, or something. or that i have to have anything like that for [successfully avoided negative attention]

and i wouldn't have like, done a monologue to an empty room and been like wow magical. i'd do my thing for rehearsal, and then for an audience, but you can't really see the audience and you're like ten doing local ten year old recreational stuff so it's like, the curtain calls you don't remember much (by you i mean me) and then you're done, and for me it was the fun of just like Everything Before. no like classic memories montage of great times socializing, it was me sitting in the green room equivalent, me warming up in the hallway, enjoying being in an auditorium for like 7 hrs of rehearsal, etc, we didn't do any like social events like high school performance afterparties or anything; i wasn't like Friends w/even the occasional person i also knew from school, and that didn't matter or diminish things in the least. performing A Show and for whatever Audience and that abstract is completely good enough. any of my parents' involvement, unavoidable b/c i couldn't even get places without being driven, was a major downside; i didn't like any like post performance [congrats] from them b/c that stuff was just its own unconstructive Performance that you, by which i mean me, were required to be sufficiently like Oh Wow about when it's like, the focused attention from you here means i want to leave; being left all amongst other adults during rehearsals was the good shit, while it also wasn't the case i needed like support or hype from any of those adults either.

there was Some tradition of like, older students in some program who'd take a trip to nyc / do some performance or other, and that seemed exciting but it stopped existing before it could be relevant to me lol. also for the first like, show that was like "audition for parts" vs "class recitals" they gave us like a relevant keepsake for it, and that was a nice surprise, since i had a great experience and all. and one of my main [not dance, with lines and everything] experiences being this fourth grade english class scenes from julius caesar, auditioned again, i'm like hell yeah that this has to be nongendered b/c it's all a bunch of guys, so i play a guy, and an antagonist yippee who doesn't die midway through and sounds easy-peasy to be like [be the dictator assassin] lol. it's funny how already i Cared about like, wish we had Effects instead of awkward silence for the drama of that assassination. wish i like, knew fuckall about acting. but the teacher just focused on telling us all to talk louder b/c nobody could be individually mic'd, and in the end you really couldn't hear fuckall of other performances so that was a win. and we got to do it twice b/c some people's parents got stuck in traffic. all i remember of my parents' presence was being like "omg yes i get to stop being here talking to you b/c we get to do that Again hell yeah"

like it's social but in a Parallel way. i'm contributing my part, i know my role, you know yours, i'm fondly remembering sitting in some school lobby having mini muffins with hours to go before our performance, amongst other people but not at all hyped abt interactions with them or at all disappointed abt the absence of any. i enjoyed it all being in front of people, others involved in the show, or the audience, but i wasn't there for any specific feedback, just being Part of that group constructed experience there. truly this case of like....loved all of that exactly as it happened, was on my own shit, did not need any external validation, didn't need a specific kind of Socializing that's supposed to look like having individual interactions with personal friends, had this passion for it that i also was having a perfectly good time exploring on my own, whilest also enjoying working with / learning from whatever instruction i got. like sure wishing i knew fuckall about acting but that it turns out no not everyone necessarily all loves stage acting as The Peak like that, and this comfort and interest with it that comes from like, you have all the practice of Having to perform and mask and act in life against your supposed incorrect abnormalities, but here's this constructive and creative and expansive edition of that art and science. good enough for doing it all through like fourteen

#the like metanalysis i'm applying to the wynnstannery journey meanwhile....a multifaceted like Oh Yeah I See places hand on surface #tl;dr like yeah i would love to do theatre in w/e ways and i would truly enjoy my experience completely in its own right. b/c i Have.... #stopped dance when i was fourteen coz knee hurty; gender hurty; parental involvement hurty; was going into college and was like will i even #have time for dance stuff? like yeah maybe but i didn't know it & figured i'd probably be forever busy & fail out anyways. took a break. #and that first year there was some delightful The Shakespearean Theater Just Down The Street also theatre adjacent class experiences #which was just More expansive & More evidence like yes i love all this shit a lotttt thanks #however at this juncture like; oh you Can audition for school theatre & even get there by yourself #didn't want family to know & come; didn't want to be alongside ppl who Did have all this high school experience and even if they didn't #were older so just probably at all better at shit lol. also my roommate had a lot of theatre interest & experience so i would've felt #awkward or out of place. like i do Not want to have to be really socially connected or like be criticized on some As Personal Acquaintances #supposed helpful basis lol. was sort of peripherally eventually [theatre doers] socially involved but eh #i had fun helping out with behind the scenes stuff Sometimes; or just hanging out in that arena #but i didn't make friends really & the true Downgrade was feeling like i was supposed to be / Had to be #one of those cases even when it's like ''yeah for some people they let you be around peripherally b/c you're the butt of the joke'' #like yeah great lmfao This Isn't It....but then going off oneself to some pwyw shakespeare show where you don't know what's going on but #that's not even required to enjoy it and Live Theatre and hell yeah babey. the actors were all whole adults & professionals & kind #like for me the social aspect is [when you're In A Show there's more afforded ''you're allowed to be here''] lol & that's it. #i like being around people but i like being there ''by myself.'' i can enjoy spontaneous; fleeting interactions contained in that moment #i don't need or even want those to Lead To Something That ''Actually Matters'' like an ongoing personal friendship or w/e #i enjoy those interactions in their own right; interacting in the capacity of both doing Show Tasks in their own right #i enjoy being in these Performances and Rehearsals in their own right & All The Enjoyment Was Already There. #i never needed or particularly looked for Especial Feedback from any sources. there needed to be an audience but that presence Was It. #i was engaged & enriched & interested in my own right. all very clear and clearly Genuine #vs whatever i was recognized as especially Good At or what i would just kind of do / was supposed to do but it's like; eh #or just otherwise like yeah i like some of this; but not nearly as much; &/or there clearly aren't ways to engage w/it in ways that i #actually want to or enjoy. i loved having a part but never needed it to be like Solo or the Main part. when i was doing & had done the #performing in rehearsals or shows like That Was It; that was what was fun. didn't anticipate or need the least Especial Feedback #just knowing like yeah that's the good shit. this is a real Passion that i enjoyed w/o ever needing anything ''more'' / external validation #wahoo....and the inherent value & relevance in just Knowing of that fact lol. wasn't always clear to me like yeah we all love that shit #in just the way that i did; right. like lol maybe not exactly and not always; actually.

[unladielike]

There are honestly times where I would question if Vivian is even an interesting OC to interact with, because while she is an eccentric girl, she’s also very much a character more so geared towards slice-of-life interactions, and due to this being the case, I manly prefer writing her in her modern verse.

Of course, I do happen to have other verses for her, but people oftentimes don’t really request them ( /stares at the one time a DND multi followed me but didn’t even request her Granblue Fantasy verse ), so by natural default, I end up using my modern verse anyways... regardless, I get the sense that because she’s such a normal human being, people aren’t as drawn to her as they are to other muses? Because with her, there’s no conflict, action, or drama that might happen with supernatural or non-human muses, and if there does happen to be conflict or drama, it would be more so the realistic kind revolving around her hypersexuality or how she might be at odds with someone as an autistic individual with rejection sensitivity.

To top it all off, Vivian is also kind, so she won’t be mean to other muses without an actual good reason... so whenever I see memes with confrontational/argumentative prompts, I inwardly sweat, due to the fact she is mostly a very agreeable person who would rather chat with someone over coffee than intentionally cause conflict, meaning if a muse has yet to make her mad, she won’t really do anything to provoke them.

Like, unless they happen to be a jerk or has a personality she deems boring, Vivian would more or less be nice (at least until they get pissed off by her sense of humor/blatant disdain towards ‘normies’)... and even then, I get the sense that maybe her kindness comes off as boring to other muns, which really puts a whole damper on my mood, because I don’t want to change Vivian to be more palatable for the RPC.

#vent tw #rant tw #negativity tw #⸾ ❖︎ ⸾ ( OUT OF ) ⤹ •• 𝕗𝕒𝕟𝕗𝕚𝕔𝕥𝕚𝕠𝕟. #[ ofc i acknowledge vivian wouldn't be EVERYONE'S cup of tea ] #[ and the fact people are slow might just have to do with the fact everyone is busier at this time of year ] #[ but i notice how abysmal the amount of engagement i've been receiving has been lately ] #[ that OFTENTIMES it feels like i'm screaming into the void whenever i talk about vivian ] #[ at the same time though i do acknowledge it could be due to the fact i rarely express interest in other peoples muses ] #[ but it's hard when you're autistic and the only thing you constantly have spoons for when you get back home from work ] #[ is to talk only about/focus only on your own oc ] #[ due to the fact it happens to be what you're MOST hyperfixated on ] #[ liKE... as much i would wanna interact with more peeps ] #[ the things i wanna write are very self-indulgent ] #[ and my ooc attachment to muses is really dependent on how much vivian actually interacts with them ] #[ SO I'M PARANOID OVER HOW I'M PROBABLY THAT (1) MUTUAL EVERYONE IS SECRETLY TIRED OF ] #[ BUT KEEPS AROUND ANYWAYS BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT HURT MY FEELINGS BY BREAKING MUTUALS WITH ME ] #[ and so i'm in that weird limbo of having super high muse for vivian but also feeling undervalued/invisible in the rpc ] #[ AS IF NOTHING I DO WOULD PROBABLY MATTER ] #[ tldr though?? writing a female oc is hard and it could be just my imagination ] #[ but everyday it feels like people are losing interest in vivian and i don't know how to rectify that ;; ]