#i dont like how i keep venting on here and ill stop

[possiblytracker]

damn. i really thought i already had the "youre probably never going to see any of your uni friends again after you move out this really and truly is the end of the most vibrant and healthy irl social life youve ever had. and likely will ever have again" breakdown done and shelved but i spent today hanging out with a few friends from my course who are leaving this week to say goodbye and i dont. know how to process it completely. im trying to make the most of everything while im still here but every interaction feels so bittersweet it's genuinely gnawing at me

#vent/ #this is probably not the last time i will have this crisis either. right up til graduation. itll keep happening over and over again #i had a miserable social record all through secondary school im not exaggerating when i say university literally taught me how to #make friends and open up to people in places that werent the internet (or having it pried out of me by more enthusiastic people) #and now its like. ah. right. thats over. where do i go from here. #late june through early august is gonna be completely fine i just need to not lose my mind until then #but after that.. well i am not having a great time thinking about it #living on my own seems miserable but i dont know anyone in This country well enough to make roommate plans #and. well i will stop here before i talk myself into a spiral but man. this is why my social energy is still through the floor #i love my online friends to death but the past few years have taught me everything is so much better with a varied diet as it were #i will not Die if i have to go back to 24/7 discord recluse im very grateful to have good friends in my puter #but god. i will miss Seeing people. very very badly #im sorry i know not responding to messages seems counterproductive rn but. idk i have a lot of wires crossed;; #ill work it out eventually #im the cheetah threatening to go insane in captivity i need someone to put one of those dogs in my enclosure/j

[dennisboobs]

this is genuinely... so funny to me. like the hilarity of copypasting rational tweets. i'm literally right. it's not even a funny copypasta because it's literally just. objectively correct. it's a criticism of twitter culture and that makes it funny to you because...... god forbid you actually have empathy for other people. caring is for losers if you're on twitter dot com, you have to be snarky and funny at all times.

#moots & friends keep sending me shit and im just like. lmfao this is embarrassing for YOU guys. i stand by everything ive said actually. #i'm sorry you think trying to have a genuine conversation about harmful behaviours is cringe #you consider yourself an activist and will retweet every fucking post abt current events #but you can't actually be bothered to make a positive change in your own life......... #the fact that most of them stop responding after they realize im not going to freak out and give them something emotional is very telling #it's not even like most of them disagree they literally just want to make fun of me for...... caring. like ok. weird hill to die on idk #im at the point where im considering privating my tweets just so i dont continue to get ppl responding but #i think its important that ppl can see my responses. because i stand by them and clearly other ppl do too #theres been a lot of mixed responses but a lot of people have actually ended up agreeing with me after some back and forth #which i appreciate. i didnt want to start fuckin. twitter drama. but like. ill take it #i dont interact with sunnyblr at all so i think this is a good opportunity to potentially change at least a few ppls perspectives #and if youre too far gone to the point where you think that someone caring about perpetuating homophobic rhetoric is funny #i. dont really want to interact with you anyway lol. get better soon xoxo #last post about this on here im. putting this to rest. #ada speaks #genuinely disgusting how many of these ppl will say shit like. ppl are dying. like... yeah. what are YOU doing to help. #retweeting a donation link or someones random carrd doesnt do shit actually. performative armchair activism. #same ppl tweeting vapid shit while acting like theyre above engaging with me on this #i was venting about people qrting glenns old tweets with stupid shit because it was clogging my tl actually lol

[grantihare]

mother in law stole my fave pj pants cant have shit in this house

#i have to joke abt it bc if i dont ill have a break and the last straw being pj pants would b pathetic of me lol #vent post #i have been looking for them for over a month and just assumed they were in our laundry #and the only place she couldve gotten them is from our pile downstairs #so now im just. stuck thinking abt how many other of my favorite things have gone missing in the wash and wondering how many are just gone #like the matching shirt is missing. does she have that? did she take both? shes stretching the pants and im hoping theyll recover but the #shirt cant stretch that much so is it in the pile or did she take it or did she get rid of it or is it going to show up burned with holes #like most of my other shirts do #i cant even have fucking clothes in this house i cant eat i cant shower i cant exist downstairs for the majority of the day i cant make #noise i get yelled at and walked in on for using the bathroom i cant fucking exist without my partner or their brother as a chaperone #i fucking hate it here i cant fucking take it i wish shed tell me to kill myself again so i could get it on recording and get a fucking #restraining order and never see her again i want her to leave me alone i want to feel safe again i want to stop being terrified to breathe #too loudly i want to be able to leave my partners fucking room i want to have somewhere to call home i want to not be hated for existing #im so fucking tired i cant keep doing this fuck me #were supposed to move out in april or may and if we cant find a place that soon idk what im gonna do bc i cant hold out much longer here

[fabulouslygaybean]

don't fucking rb, but if i see one more fucking post on my dash about how awful every single texan is im going to rip out y'all's throats i swear to god. now is not the time to say shit like that, actually

#hi! news flash! extremists dont make up every single fucking person in texas! #stop using a mass shooting to justify demonizing innocent fucking people!! #like. the laws there are shit. the government there is fucking awful. but stop roping every single fucking citizen in with your shit views #an entire city is in fucking mourning. there are parents who will never see their kids again. this isn't the time to say HAHA GOTCHA - #- YOU'RE ALL AWFUL in the wake of a fucking tragedy. y'all are so fucking desensitized that you have no sympathy for these people. #its disgusting. its true that shit there is awful at the moment but PLEASE for the love of god stop taking it out on ppl who had nothing - #- to do with this. #im sorry for putting this on y'all's dashes but not really. as someone from texas it makes my blood boil to see this stuff. #especially as someone with school aged nieces and nephews. like... y'all DO know this could've happened anywhere right? #it happened in texas this time but other states aren't fucking immune to mass school shootings. the laws in the USA are fucked as a whole. #it could've been in your state. it could've been in my state. it could've been anywhere. #just. please dont be a shithead. im so tired. please have sympathy towards the effected families and communities. #gun tw #shooting tw #vent tw #i think that covers it. i dont know how long ill keep this here so hopefully that's enough for now.

[toastsnaffler]

its crazy how when I'm not routinely finding ways to express creativity all colour + meaning leaches out of my life 😐

#i havent drawn in weeks. u can imagine for urself the state im in rn #im not sure im a real person 👍 #the worst part is how difficult it is to get back into. like i have ideas and things i want to make #but the mental barrier its so strong its almost physical. i can hold a pen in front of an open sketchbook but cant will myself to draw #i hate that ppl think executive dysfunction only applies to 'work' like actually it stops me doing things i want to as well #trapped in a limbo of being unable to do anything fulfilling (creatively or productively) while time just keeps fucking passing #ok well if i sit here any longer im going to start screaming. time to play videogames so i dont have to think anymore #.vent #.diaries #maybe ill feel better later. i say every fucking day

[cybermeep]

everythings fine except the curtains are on fire and oh fuck the house is on fire but its not just the house its me too and im sitting in the kitchen on a chair on fire and. I . Am not having a good time. Holy fuck i havent been having a good time for like two hours

#cybers vent territory #yeah… #ignore this its like 12 am here but #oh my GOD im not okay right now #like i feel so gross #i took a bath earlier too im not even actually dirty i just feel… eurgh #ive felt like this for a few hours and have been trying to ignore it but it just sucks #and i hate it cause. i dont wanna feel like this #i hate feeling weird and gross I NEVER. feel weird and gross #but i do right now because i just got reminded and.. ugh #i keep reminding myself and being dumb #so its like essentially my fault im just. eurgh im a mess #it does not help i feel SO uncomfortable and im not even doing anything im just sitting here #uggh… i dont like it.. #maybe its all my emotions i wasnt feeling spilling out at night or something.. idk… #all i know is i am. feeling gross. and i hate it. #i literally dont know what to do to stop feeling this way.. #but ill be fine.. probably #oh boy! i sure do hope i learn how to balance my own needs! pukes everywhere #BUT THATS THE THING i know.. how to.. i think.. im just. dumb #like i know when to take alone time. but im also a dumbass #i could be spoonfed warnings and still walk through cause i wanna be nice and wanna be curious and just. make myself upset #like right now #like im upset. not upset like mad but. uncomfortable. nauseous. because im being Stewpit #does that make sense??? #i donr know #i dont really care actually its very late #ill probably delete this at some point #who knows #anyway im back to pokemon or. sleep. i donr know what ill be doing.. just trying to get less ‘i want die’ feeling

[etherealspacejelly]

Medication Diary: Day 19

im so sick of this. i have been unable to get out of bed or even sit up for most of today. i feel sick. i feel miserable. i am unable to go anywhere or do anything. term starts tomorrow. how will i be able to go to class like this? i need to do laundry. im running out of clothes. i keep having to send @frogofalltime to buy food for me. i just want it to stop.

its like an illness i cant recover from. and i cant just stop taking them because then i will just have withdrawal symptoms instead. how long is it going to take to wean me off them? i have no idea. im going to call my adhd specialist as soon as i can tomorrow.

im sorry this didnt go how i expected. this has been more of a vent diary than anything. i was really hoping to provide a useful resource for people, but all i have produced is a record of my descent into madness.

every single day for 10 hours straight i feel like straight up dogshit. i dont have any energy or motivation. im struggling to enjoy the things i usually do. i never post on here or my alt account. my asks are piling up and i feel so guilty.

im sorry

#adhd #actually adhd #robins medication diary #tw vent #tw illness

[sad-leon]

Hello! I hope you're having a good day!

So many people in my life seem to be going through something right now, and I just wanted to give you an opportunity to share anything you might be going through. Good or bad, as specific or as vague as you're comfortable with. Or feel free to ignore if you'd rather not. No pressure at all!

I hope things are going well for you! But if not, I'll be sending prayers your way if you're comfortable with that!

I am... not.

and i haven't for a long time

I'll preface this entire post with a warning: THIS IS A VENT POST the only tags will be trigger warnings

I thinks i've said it once or twice, but I started school this year. This is my first year in college after taking a gap year and also telling everyon i wasnt gonna go. I know jack shit about what im doing and its fucking exhausting. Theres so many things that i feel like I should know but dont because all the college information given out in my highschool was geared toward the college in that town specifically, which is not the college im going to.

I've also moved. im entirely on my own, physically and financially. I just met with my job and am starting very soon which is not good because my sleep schedule is all wrong. I may be switching jobs soon, but i can't just quit becuase, like i said, im on my own.

and those are only the big two. lets speedrun this. my anxiety, my autism, i need new glasses, my feet hurt more than i think they should, im a system, my eating disorder, my aversions that make it hard to drink the water up here, the burnout, the exhaustion, executive dysfunction, i also likely have adhd which mean rsd. im touch starved and touch adverse

those are just what i can think of off the top of my head

but all of this had been leading to what might be a pretty nasty breakdown and soon.

im so fucking tired all the time and that makes it hard to draw, but thats one of my only ways to relax. i like playing mc, but i get bored easily and also i cant sit at my desk for long becuase it feels like my head is too heavy for my neck. it hurts. everything hurts and my job doesnt help me at fucking all.

i was able to draw tsob while dealing with most of my issues becuase all i had to worry about was work. looking at my current schedule, i can find the free time. the issue is using that freetime to draw and not just sleep or dissociate. finding home is very dear to me, but drawing it the way i am can be exhausting and i dont want to start hating it, so i just.. dont draw it most days

i stress constantly about how i appear on my blog becuase i want so badly to do this right. i want to be good at something, like, as a person, not just as an artist. but i hate myself too much to believe in any progress i make.

i know its the rsd mostly but i see groups and i feel gross. its not as bed now (any of you beans that have made it this far, ily /p) becuase i found a community i can actually interact with, but it still comes up, especially because i've moved away from all my irl friends and its so fucking hard for me to make them in the first place. like.. actual friends, not just people i can work with at school

if i keep going i'll probably talk myself in circles, so ill stop it here. theres a lot more but im not going to ramble about my suicidal, intrusive, or sh thoughts on this blog. this is a post to inform you guys of the state of mind im in. im lonely and sad and its all building up to a massive breakdown.

im not going to be leaving tumblr or giving up on my comic, but i probalby wont update as often as i did tsob. i just dont have the energy.

i also will probably post some of my traditional art cuz i gotta fill up a sketchbook for my animation class, so that also takes away from the time i use to draw digitally.

im so tired

#vent post #tw vent #long post #tw exhaustion #tw burnout

[heyitslucky]

⚠️VENT POSTING, TW: problems getting hrt, dysphoria triggers, mentions of suidice⚠️

why does hrt have to take forever i dont have time to wait 6 months just to be a-cup :(

and here i was thinking itd take like what, a week before boob growth? so when i didnt seem to get boobs after a week on prog i stopped??

i feel like the doctors should have said something???

"nOoOoOOo you'll get the information when you start on hrt just go through our system it takes like a month :)"

is what they told me when i just came out about about 3 years ago.

3 fucking years ago.

and i JUST got the letter telling me i have an appointment at those doctors. and i already know that im gonna be put either on hold for another god damn year, or be straight up denied.

im trying my best to keep calm but this is a big test on my anger issues i feel like im gonna snap any day now

ive already lost my highpitch voice that i used to have before puberty, and i lay at night crying and being scared that ill never get that back. it feels like theyre just seeing how much longer they can wait, how much more of my good sides ill lose before they help me. that or theyre testing how much more i can handle before i cosplay a chandelier

oh but dont you dare speak up about this Lucky, that could be seen as male aggressiveness for people whos already against you, and they WILL use that to demonize you and make you seem like a brute and a danger to society :D

...i wanna go back to bed

#tw vent #vent post

[protonicinversalaxe]

ok i dont usually post my own things here but i had a dream abt fallout kinda so

dream that in a fo4 style game i keep going deeper and deeper into a vault that turns redder and fleshier till at its core i find a vaguely humanoid figure. all exposed red with a bulging head no eyes only a mouth and fascia connecting its crossed are to its body. it has noblegs but a hulking mass of flesh where its legs would be. upon interaction it wakes and pulls its arms away from itself and gives me a vision of something before giving chase.

it has two patterns. chase and seek. in chase well. it chases you deeper into the vault or whatever, theres many hidding spots where you can crouch (idk if this is even possible in gamebryo or other engines, whatever) and hide in; only the humanoid part of the body is able to squeeze in and its slow to back out.

seeking is itll triangulate a zone near the player and roam, it has no eyes so you can sneak around if ur good enough as long as you dont trigger a proximity radius

theres also things smaller than it like it on the walls spread out randomly, not many. if you look at them for too long your vision goes weird and if you look at them TOO long youll be unable to move the camera away and eventually youll die.

in the dream it ends by the aberration forcing you into a vent or smth, it slides in but wont back out instead trying to slash and reach you. i crawl backwards looking at it, eventually i stop in the dark, theres a familiar sound behind me -i do not turn back-.

if this were a mod id remove or make this a bad ending imo, make it so as you slide in the tunnel theres a light at the end, as you crawl deeper the aberration turns your camera towards it with mild visual noise (it cant kill you unless you purposely get close) you crawl backwards, the light is visible -you hear a familiar sound, cut to black, slides start-.

a good ending could be getting on a hard to reach elevator that takes you to surface/to the first level, in the first level theres no music or sound -you walk to the exit- theres no scare.

ill add some sketch of how the things looked later when i get home

#goopy.txt

[theblurrysystem]

took those questions from one of the "system ask games" and answering them here. why? bc i wanna answer them, i dont wanna wait for asks, and you cant stop me /lh

🥀 - do you keep track of your alter count? how do you do so?

yeah we do! or at least try to. we personally have done it through journalling and using simply plural. we mainly use sp now, as journalling is more so for communication / vent / memory purposes. current alter(+fragment) count at the time of writing this is 85.

🫀 - do you have non-human alters? what species are they?

yeah! just over half of us are 'non-human', but that varies from part human (fae, hybrids, mermaids, etc) to full animals (cat, fox) and even objects.

🍄 - when did you realise you had a complex dissociative disorder?

i believe the body was 13? eh ill say 13-14 years old, as a bit of a range because there was about a year and a bit of researching and tracking symptoms and whatnot before we really understood / knew we had it.

📻 - do you experience amnesia?

yes a lot. whether it emotional amnesia or grey outs, or forgetting day-to-day things, yeah. a lot of amnesia can happen with switches, though its rarely black-outs for us, and sometimes we have amnesia even when there hasn't been a switch.

🥩 - who was the most recent split?

for personal reasons, not gonna answer this one <33

🦴 - do you have an innerworld? what does it look like?

oh my fuck, we could make a whole post about our innerworld and all the different areas. we do have an innerworld, and its existed for as long as i can remember. its changed over time and some places change how it looks daily, but we can make a whole post about it all.

🦷 - what’s a fun fact about the current fronter(s)?

ooooh a fun fact abt me. i would sayyyy, i named myself after a character in a fanfiction <3

💀 - is your system more overt or covert?

covert. when we're with people we trust and feel safe with, we present more overtly. however with day-to-day, its definitely covert. our switches can be smooth, or sometimes we straight up leave the room and have privacy. we all tend to mask, even if its just a little bit. if you knew we were a system, you might be able to catch a switch here or there. but i think thats only if you know what you're looking for.

🍷 - does your music taste differ from alter to alter? how?

a bit, yeah. mostly all of us kinda like alt or indie music. some of us love musicials while others dont. skye, she fucking loves raps, while others cant stand rap music. some like more heavier music, while pretty much all our syskids like soft songs. we have different playlists on spotify that haven't been updated in months </3

🦇 - do you have any friends with CDDs?

yes we have one with a cdd <3

📺 - are you “heavy” with any type of alter? (e.g. syskid-heavy, introject-heavy, etc.)

we are non-human (57.6%), and 'brainmade' heavy (65.8%). were the percentages needed? ofc not. did i still spend 20 mins figuring it out? yeah.

if you have any questions abt our system, or want us to do another of these (if we can find another) just let us know!

- clem (she/her)

#system ask game #actually did #dissociative identity disorder #did #did system #endos do not touch this post #actually cdd #anti endo #clem rambles #osdd

[listen-as-i-scream-into-the-void]

long, unorganized vent

i hate how my parents made me a pushover

i cant even fight back

my sister has tried to suffocate me, in the ground, infront of a camera

but nobody believes me because my parents refuse to check the cameras

its already been a year since then

but i still dont trust her

i never did

it takes awhile to gain my trust, especially to get it back

in fact, i dont even trust my friends irl

i feel like they all talk shit behind my back

i feel like every friendship ive had is fake

i feel disconnected from the world

i feel like im not supposed to exist

i dont like that

i just want to feel normal

i just want to feel happy

i dont remember the last time i was happy

im uncomfortable around my family

im touch starved, but i have to act like i hate touch around them

because its disgusting that theyre suddenly trying to be actual parents now

i was in 1st grade when i learned i had to do things on my own

i couldnt have a nightmare, which for me as a kid, was horrible when i did

because everytime i did, and i went to tell my parents

all i got was

"go back to bed", or "i dont care"

i hate it

yet i feel like im supposed to make them happy

and proud

i dont remember the last time they said they were proud of me

am i overreacting?

overthinking?

i dont know

i dont know anymore

i feel like a disappointment

i feel like i have to lie

i feel like i have to keep secrets

or else they wont be happy

id do anything just for them to be proud of me

i just want a shoulder to cry on

but ive somehow become immune to it

i want to cry

i really do

i dont understand life

im scared

but my body is stopping me from crying

i feel like if i do

then ill be yelled at

they will start asking me questions

questions that make me feel like i did nothing about it

am i useless?

is it my fault?

i dont know

what do i know?

im not even 13 yet, and i already want to die

i dont like living

i dont like it here

its scary

but i have nobody to lean to

i have nobodys shoulder to cry into

im losing emotional bonds

and i cant create emotional bonds

im laughing at stuff i shouldnt be laughing at

like death and pain

im just a kid

im not even in high school yet

and im already fucked up

i dont want to be

i want to be a normal functioning person

except i have all these insecurities

like how fat and ugly i am

how even if i did have a shoulder to cry on

my trust issues would scare them away

and id lose them

i dont want to be this way

[shitposthalf]

shoutout to people who take hormones (for literally any reason) and upon disclosing have unsolicited responses saying they "could never do that bc it's unnatural" you're all real ones

(Vent under cut, can reblog and comment but y'know, be courteous)

I disclosed taking birth control to skip periods and got hit with the "i dont want to fuck up my hormones more" and I'm just here like =| it eased my dysphoria and stopped me from having 4 days of heavy bleeding and 3 of on off who knows what so ill take it

Listen, I understand if you can't take it for (assorted) reasons but it's baffling how many people will reject hormones outright without even listening to medical professionals or trying bc they have a fundamental misunderstanding of how hormones work. Like, the pill will not fuck you up forever it'll take a few months at worst. Some side effects of HRT are reversible (not all, but some).

I understand if it doesn't work for you but don't say shit like "it's not natural" especially when someone else is clearly content with their decision omg

Its like if someone discloses that they use cold medicine when they're sick and you go "Oh I tried that a little but it made me feel so much worse, I'm not going to do anything unnatural to my body anymore" like cool, now you've made the cold medicine user feel bad bc it worked for them and you're putting a judgement call on it.

Examples of how not to be a jerk!! Just say something like "yeah, I tried that and it didn't work for me. Made me feel bad". No judgement call, shows comprehension and understanding that the other person takes it. Acknowledges own inability to use thing. Maybe add in a "I'm glad it worked for you!" Overexplaining your reasons behind why will just make the other person feel bad about not having any issues!

More examples!!

Wrong: "yeah I don't drink full cream milk. It's bad for you, too many saturated fats. Ick! So unhealthy"

Right: "I don't drink full cream milk. It's too many saturated fats for me, I have to keep an eye on that because I've been [insert health reason]" or alternatively "I don't drink full cream milk, I never really liked the taste, y'know?"

More!!

Wrong: "oh, you take antidepressants? Yeah I tried those once but they made me feel bad" (good starts, BUT), "I can't believe they're allowed to sell those things. It changes people, makes them different, it's bad."

Right: "Oh you take antidepressants? I tried those once, they made me feel bad." (Can end here, OR), "Glad they work for you! I do [insert thing] to manage my depression now."

Its the like, nuances of not making a judgement call bc something didn't work for you. And shit, I probably do it sometimes too but I'm TRYING and actively am WORKING ON IT

#Reblog I guess #I'm tired

[spikeinthepunch]

Well, I didn't expect to be sitting down an deciding to write a lengthy personal post about the app, Vent. But its shutting down for good in literally two days. If this was any other situation where it slowly just became inactive but stayed up, I wouldn't mention it. But an app shutting down for good is a big deal, and I'll cross my fingers that I get sent the data I requested.

Vent is an app I feel like everyone seems to be aware of but left and forgot after its boom in 2016-2017. no one really says that they use it, most left it after that period. its pretty well known for weird and absurd kin posts and drama and other nonsense. having been on it since it launched, i saw... so much. so so much.

Having gotten to it around age 16, that app houses a huge amount of personal posts I made on an app I considered the best place to dump some of the most private, venty things. Boy does it catalogue a huge series of development and mental growth. And above all stands as a lesson to myself on how to manage such personal things around others online. What is to be said isn't me forcing a lesson on the reader, but just expressing what I learned- because in those teenage years it was easy to want to have all my online friends involved in seeing my vent posts. That Age on tumblr, that culture around validation and mental illness- I wanted validation and post interactions. I vented a lot, teen years sucked- this seemed fine to do from my unaware mind but it caused so much tension, stress, and drama in my closest relationships that I still wish hadnt occurred- but can accept that behavior years later... i was just a teen, it wasn't surprising. Getting your bestest friends in a private closed circle of venting is not as good of an idea as you'd want it to be, to say the least. Especially when you're teens and dont have therapy.

But that is to say- Vent became its best to me when I closed it off entirely to everyone except for one good mutual I had gained purely through Vent, and eventually one key IRL friend. Me, two other people. That was it. It turned into a diary for years after I chose to do that and it had been very useful for me. One or two people I didn't mind getting a glimpse into things, especially after i matured and learned to...better control and understand how to vent in a healthier way. It was somewhere I went to maybe once a month, maybe less frequently, to just... throw out a huge post documenting my feelings and important thoughts from the last many weeks. Great big summaries I'd have no energy to split up into a priv twitter thread, or post on public blogs.

Growth. So so much growth. So much in all those posts and all that time. Almost 8 years of my incredibly personal thoughts sit on that app and it sucks knowing that place will be gone for good. There could be a miracle but it seems unlikely.

For those never on the app, or stopped using it ages back- Vent has been a mess for a long time. It has gone through various changes in hopes of keeping it alive- for years its just been all over the place. It barely functions most times. It's been limping for years now and it was always a joke to me that it hadn't gone down yet. It seemed inevitable- and here we are! Gone on the 28th of Feb, and it was only stated a few days ago. And theyd been promising they had an alternative..

Losing things like this sucks, because it is a part of the internet. People love to say nothing truly goes away on the internet- and thats just not true. Time and time again we lose apps and websites with no backups or way to view them reliably. Newer age technology makes this especially harder to preserve. While I and others have requested our data, there will be hundreds if not thousands of accounts left to vanish after Vent shuts down, especially given the incredibly short notice.

So, RIP Vent, you were already dead for some years anyways. But I appreciate what I made of it and its a shame I can't think of any place where I could keep this kind of diary up still.

#vent app

[eloquentmoon]

i am safe. i just need to vent. please do not read this if you are in a bad place.

i am inconsolable right now. i need to calm down, and fast, and so i am writing this post to try and elevate some of the anguish rattling around inside of me. it's absurd how much i am feeling, how much i CAN feel. i genuinely cannot remember the last time that i was this triggered. im so upset and i don't trust anyone in my real life with this, and i have no safe space to express how i feel without some kind of consequence. so here we are. i have to write about this or it's going to destroy me, i can feel it tearing me apart. though it's so difficult to put into words, i am at a point in my recovery in which i need to detach this suffering from who i am and at least try to release it into the world, i need it to fuck off and leave me alone. it's rotting me from the inside out and i can't deal with it. i just can't anymore. fuck. i have been abused since i was eight years old, and i can't write how, or by who, in what way. because i can't bring myself to type the words. but i have been consistently hurt and traumatised and let down by the men in my life, especially those who have held positions of authority. over and over and over. again and again and again. in everyway. and it keeps happening. no matter how i protect my peace or do the work to separate or distance myself, a man will always find a way to fuck with me, to hurt or manipulate or exploit me. to keep victimising me. making me feel small. making me go through something i don't want to be a part of. i don't wanna be hurt. i dont wanna be a fucking victim. i don't wanna be a survivor. i don't wanna be strong. i don't even wanna be at this point. because this is never gonna fucking end, is it? i can't escape it. i will never escape it. every two months or so, something from my past comes back to haunt me. and it's never my fault. and it's never fair. of course not, i was a child. it's not my fault that i was hurt and abused. not my fault that now, my friends think it's cool to send me pics of my abuser when they see him out and about. it's not my fault. that my father is criminal. that my brother is an addict. that i never finished grieving for my dead friends. that i was just kid. not my fault. but it all makes me seethe anyway. i am so angry and frustrated and in despair because if i am not to blame then why does it always feel like my fault? so much bad stuff happens to me and mine in such varied ways, multitudes of shit shows and what's always consistent? that im the only constant. it's me. im a shit magnet. it follows me. the trauma follows me. i am healthy and self aware and i am at a good place in my life and yet - it's always there. always, like a chronic illness that's somehow fucking catching. spreading my misery and misfortune and apprehension everywhere i go. and i don't want to do this anymore. i don't want to feel anymore. i don't want to get better to get worse again. it's a fucking cycle and i can't escape it. no one can help. i can't afford decent care. my mental health team is a shit show that are essentially useless. my night terrors are back at full force. and all of that trauma, so intricate and repetitive and sharp, is sitting so weighty and heavy on my chest. and it gets worse every day, with every moment and trigger and relapse. i just feel dread and anguish. i want it to stop. for a second. just a second, some relief please

#i am safe #do not reblog #tw mental health #tw abuse #tw suicidality #dont feel pressured to read or respond or message #ignore if you want #im a bit overwhelmed