#i dont think i should run a bunch of blogs honestly. two looks like its already too much for me | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

yeoldontknow · 3 years

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❧ check in tag

tagged by the sweetest angel @propinqxity to do this little tag. this is such a cute list of questions, and some of these i dont think ive been asked before. thank you so much for the tag and the tumblr crush mention lovely. you truly are a bright spot on this website and i mean that sincerely <333

going under a cut because im certain i will ramble ~

1. Why did you choose this url?

its sort of like a pun between yall dont know and the fact that, hopefully, sincerely, chanyeol does not in fact know that i run this blog lmao i changed to this after a long time of being bread-jinie and i wanted to rebrand. i will, however, do my best to never change URLs again because the masterlist switch over was a complete hassle

2. Any sideblogs? If you have them, name them and why you have them

i have a fic recs blog called @yeoldontknowiread. as to why i have it, i know it hasnt been updated in ages since ive been kind of on hiatus, but i think reading and sharing work on this platform is immensely important. i actually read quite a lot of fanfiction, and i try my best to share the things i read. im very very behind on recs at the moment cause i try my best to write something substantial for every recommendation i make. as a writer, i know exactly the kinds of thoughts and feedback on fics that make my heart soar so i try to put in the same energy to my recs. community is only fostered when there is reciprocation

3. How long have you been on Tumblr?

hmmm since april 2017. i actually had my 4 year anniversary this year and i did have plans for things but i got roped into real life things and couldnt celebrate the way i truly wanted to :(

4. Do you have a queue tag?

no but sometimes i think i should. i view tags as a library on top of my knee jerk response to things. most of my tags are just my initial thoughts or feelings at any given moment, so those take precedence over a specific queue tag

5. Why did you start your blog in the first place?

when i was getting into exo, i was reading fanfiction like crazy. i used to write fanfic quite a lot in other fandoms, but at that time i hadnt written anything in about 2.5 years. exo was the first re-introduction to that feeling of excitement and inspiration. after about 3 weeks of straight reading, i decided i wanted to write again. i wrote the prologue to hero in about two hours and tried logging into AO3 to post it. sadly i forgot all of my log in information because it had been years, and was getting frustrated. i really wanted to put it somewhere out of fear that id lose interest if i didnt do something with it, and everything id read had been on tumblr. so i made a tumblr just to put hero lmao i didnt have any mutuals. it was a blog with straight 0. i hadnt even created an account to interact with writers before that moment, i really thought id be a silent reader forever. but exo woke me back up and for that i am eternally grateful.

6. Why did you choose your icon?

the yours music video is...so stunning? like the colour theory throughout the whole thing is truly so inspiring and gorgeous. and this shot of chanyeol looking at the painting took my breath away, truly. tulips and the color of peach, like do you know how evocative that is? ugh

7. Why did you choose your header

my header was made by @jamaisjoons for my birthday this year because shes literally the most talented person when it comes to graphics. and this was so kind of her to do, i cried a lot

8. What's your post with the most notes?

uhm....either the body through time or truth i cant remember which but i checked recently and its one of those

9. How many mutuals do you have?

honestly at this point im not even sure. i know ive lost a bunch while i was on hiatus because i was basically a dead blog, and some people do dash cleanses. and im certain others have left, too, for their own reasons. still, i have a good core of friends though who are active and that is enough for me

10. How many followers do you have?

more than i probably deserve

11. How many people do you follow?

399

12. Have you ever made a shitpost?

uhm i guess? there was a time when nng was not updated and every wednesday id post the days go by music video in sadness and grief but im not a big shitposter. if i make a text post its usually a life update or me crying about chanyeol, theres no inbetween lmao

13. How often do you use Tumblr every day?

tbh i havent used tumblr that often, not since march i think. i used to use it many times a day, checking in on friends and stuff, but once i started focusing on my phd applications i was only here sporadically. i didnt make an announcement either, just let my blog run on queue so i wasnt totally gone. i think i was checking in twice a week or maybe once every two weeks to refill my queue and check mentions etc. but now that my interviews are done im trying to get back on here daily to reconnect

14. Did you have a fight/argument with another blog once? Who won?

ive had my share of disagreements with people and any details about those situations shall remain as they are meant to: private

15. How do you feel about "you need to reblog this" posts?

in what context? like, you need to reblog this or your wish wont come true? or like, please reblog this to spread the word/spread awareness, etc? in the case for the former, i scroll right by. in the case of the latter, if im around and see someone raising a go fund me or some major event is occurring and i find a post with good sources or charities i will reblog. mostly though, the full extent my activism isnt really on this blog. its my escape from reality. my activism is usually placed on other platforms.

16. Do you like tag games?

i doooo!!! theyre so fun i love learning about my friends

17. do you like ask games?

i love those too! theyre so cute and usually a nice way to have interaction immediacy with people in the community

18. Which of your mutuals do you think is Tumblr famous?

no one. can we please abandon this notion of fame on tumblr? arent we all here to write about some dick and some smut and some fluff and then hang out together and log off? lmao tumblr isnt reality and followers/fame is so arbitrary on this platform, no one has any control over any of it

19. Do you have a crush on a mutual?

i am in love with so many people here. let me name a few:

@yehet-me-up @kyungseokie @jenmyeons @j-pping @jamaisjoons @inkedtae @kookdiaries @yoonia @dulcetvk @kithtaehyung @imdifferentshadesofpurple @ditzymax @sugaurora @sahmbtsficrecs @junghelioseok @yeojaa @augustbutwinter @joonscore @btssavedmylifeblr @cutechim @sunshinekims @kimtaehyunq @ouvuo @delhyun @exo-stentialism @sooibian @softyoongiionly @jinseunie @zibermuda @bratkook @1kook @luffles424 @xjoonchildx

and so many other people and mutuals that i am certainly forgetting. love is such an expansive feeling, and it encompasses platonic ardor and creative desire. i admire every single person listed for so many different reasons, and cherish and treasure them or what they provide to the community. love is such an important and broad experience. truly, i hope they feel adored every single day x

#check in tag

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mikkock · 5 years

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HELLO I ADORE YOUR OCS SO MUCH WILL YOU TELL ME ABOUT KAI HE LOOKS LIKE A TOTAL "YOUR DAUGHTER CALLS ME DADDY TOO" DOUCHEBAG AND I FUCKING LOVE HIM AND WANNA KNOW MORE ABOUT HIM

LBLMVBGK THANK U OMG love it when ppl like my kids, im a proud dad rn

ALSO wrow congrats on ur on point analysis, cause, that’s the Essence Of His Being (fun fact since i got two characters who go by the name of kai -cause fuck that basic writing tip that says ‘dont have two characters named the same thing- i usually refer to him as The Bad Kai cuz he a bad bitch)

so lets unwrap that dude shall we uwu

SO this dude was created when i realised my story didnt have antagonists so i made a bunch of Bad People and then they all became good people after i started giving them more personnality somehow eXCEPt him for some reason, the only survivor of the “everyone will be baby” plague, the only rude bitch in this house, the only guy who’s still on the dark grey side of morally grey...but tbh im in love with him cause he’s an asshole and im an idiot so like.

His base concept was basically something along the lines of “fuckboy but make it Couture”, like douchebag indeed But Gotta Be Fancy at being one, gotta add a pinch of Sneaky Bitch in the pot. His aesthetic is Chillin, gettin in ur pants, then moving on for some more chillin and more pants. So if you’re into some funky sexy time with no pressure and no ties, ya gon get along, your goals meet, time to have fun.

All that is supported by his charisma, cause unless ya got some nasty history, he’ll just look like that charming bad-boy “oho hot dude with a dangerous but not agressive” vibed person, and he’s quite a sweet-talker. He’s probs not only the ‘your daughter calls me daddy’ kind but also ‘and so will YOU, i’m scoring with the whole family and you wont stop me (and you wont WANT to stop me)’

He got that handsome ppl priviledge ya feel

but also, he wouldnt be a rude guy if he was just the ‘i enjoy chill frick-fracking and im just so sexy that no one can say no to that booty’ guy

Dude got quiiite some spite-fueled ego and Does Not Take losing well, and will not, in fact, let himself lose on any objective he has, and when that objective is A Person, he gets ugly. Being good at sweet talking also means being good at small stuff like “not saying exactly the truth always when it would be more beneficial not to”, “deliberately using euphemistic, ambiguous or obscure language so to mask wrong doings and technically saying the truth but in such a way that it becomes completely masked by a thick fog of bullshit”, and “use words and behaviour in general to influence others unscrupulously so to get something in return”. Even a little “playing with their perception in order to make them doubt in their thoughts and selves”. In short dude got no qualms about using all the tools of manipulation available if it means that he comes on top (or on bottom if the goal was getting an assful eeeeeey we’re masters of comedy here) It tends to be all for short term results tho, so not much your ‘boyfriend who convinces you you’re nothing without him” and more of a “you thought you were dating but only you were thinking that as he always kept it just vague enough to have you not official yet convinced of his and now you’re blaming yourself for believing you were together”

master of getting ass, also master of Ugly Ass Breakups, and master of suddenly dissapearing from your life so hard that you wonder if it was just your imagination all along (he got ugly past with a bunch of other ocs especially he’s ex boyfriend with two that are now together cause i dig that sort of drama the sAME dUDe gave u the trust issues that held u from going full lovey dovey ? i fucking lIVE off that kinda shit wait until he pops back like ‘oho hello fancy seeing YOU TWO here my two fave exes together incredible what a small world”)

Though I have to rework on all that cause that backstory is oLD AS SHIT (like prolly i built it in what, 2016? ew ugly) I had that stem from some sort of neglect-fueled inferiority complex. I had given him a kinda cold family with a bunch of siblings who got Way More Nurtured due to their respective talents and achievements, having him left behind and feeling like he got nothing. SO that’s basically the explanation as of today but i dont like iiiiit anymooooore so I’ll have to work on it to make it something i dig, cause idk, bitch feels flat so far.

BUT i do intend on keeping the whole concept of ~Loneliness~, and of him working alone and quite hard for anything he gets. And the general need of proving himself that had come from the WIP backstory. I don’t exactly see him as an overachiever at all, but definitly as an obstinate and persevering hardworking guy, because “Look YALL I WAS aBLE TO DO THIS YALL THOUGHT I COULDNT HUH YALL LOOK DOWN ON ME well fuck u cause idc im better than u now also ur mum’s into bondage i kno from experience bye”. So tbh pair up with him for group projects, you’ll be sure his share of the work will be done (but also if you dont do yours then he’s probably going to be a bITCh about it, no remorse in leaving blank slides in the middle of the powerpoint and then loudly proclaiming ‘OH RIGHT This was supposed to be Kevin’s part but I suppose he never sent it to me, despite the numerous reminders i sent him, no big deal, no hard feelings, its ok sweetie we all sometimes feel too lazy i forgive u :)” )

Also he’d be Chill to hang out with for like, parties, nights out at the bar, that kinda shit. He definetly has some beans to spill about quite some people, he gathers the goss as he gathers lovers (i was gonna end that in “as he spreads legs” but it sounded too PG-18 for this good Well Behaved family friendly blog) and Will Not stay tight lipped, and Will be a bitch when trashtalking people, and It Will Be Entertaining as it always is when you’re hearing about crazy exes and you’ve had some beers.

Now trivia that idk where else to write cause idk i stupid or more like disorganised :

- he digs red ale beer like if ya wanna win him over with the appropriate alcohol offer there u go

- he’s a fake blonde (cause my hobby is painting regrowth roots on hair)

- his design is a mixture of those 3dgy denim boys u see on pinterest and the specific brand of fuckboys that are french-L-section-chic-grunge-hipster-fuckboys (L section is like a branch of highschool)(that word combo is a so specific kinda guy)(its kinda like a softboi but more arrogant but in a lowkey way)(also they rich)(but he’s not rich so guess that should make him Less Arrogant)

-im constantly dead afraid of giving him more characteristics and story or whatveer cause he’s the only meanie i got left and i do Not want him to stop being an asshole but everytime i develop a character they end up nice or redeemed or whatever and i wanna keep him a bitch so i neglect him (just like his parents in his 2016 version wow)

he smokes (prolly started quite early to Be Kool and now relies on it for stress relief)

he’s outspoken and extraverted and prolly the guy who had a lot to say when you were doing debates in class (there’s always that person who has a Lot to argument about)(its him) but outside of a Set and Defined debate structure he probably doesnt give his mind voraciously

he’s a law student and despite saying he’s the one bad guy left he probably wont be a corrupt lawyer or judge or whatever like come on he will do his job properly he worked hARD FOR THIS justice may be served

he’s not the kind to openly hate or even dislike anyone cause what’s the point of wasting your energy on that? its much funnier to him to be obnoxiously Neutral with someone and basically ignore them but still strike them with some Spikes of passive-agressive comments, let them be Mad at your calmness

he’s 177cm tall (that’s like 5.8 according to google)

honestly if you’re bros with him he’s fun to be with the being a jerk is completly coincidental

he probably ranks high in the list of “those criminals who steal big lighters from their friends”

i think at a point his design had tattoos but i forgot the designs of those so now he doesnt anymore

a dog person

i think ive run out of facts (or my brain dead) so im leavin with a shirtless pic cause my hobby is drawing tits

in short, charming asshole who can get ugly, secretly feels lonely and small, works hard for himself, better have him as a friend than as a foe though probably not the most frontally agressive enemy, and also, your booty, hand it over.

#people probably excuse his naughty behaviour bc of his looks and that's the fact

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casualantiheroism · 5 years

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There's no fucking excuse to fling vitriol directly at a creator no matter how much you hate what they're doing.

Most published writers are used to it because in order to have any degree of success you have to have a sort of masochistic desire to have people tell you you suck.

I'm telling you this tho as a person who has been that fan, (look at grant ward in my avi and then remember he pushed fitzsimmons out a fucking plane before you @ me with 'I did nothing wrong Don Cates is a monsterous assbag babyman and YOU'RE a monster for liking Ward. - just marinate in the hypocrasy)

Here's some truths that are hard pills but true for you venom fans, marvel fans, dc fans.

CREATORS DONT OWE YOU SHIT.

People mourned when sherlock holmes died. Like full on victorian mourning with black armbands and holding wakes. People stormed sailors coming from the UK when Dickens wrote the old curiosity shop asking about little nell- his protagonist's friend. They waited months to read installments of the story.

Those two dudes shaped literature and when Doyle died his last words were about his wife and Dickens was asking to be made comfortable. No one, not doyle, dickens, alcott or stan the man lee thought about the fans on their deathbed. Why are you willingly pissing people off hoping they'll remember you? They won't. You're not the first 'fan' and you won't be the last. When you take critique directly to the writer that amounts to 'your mother is a llama and she should have aborted you' you have more in common with the fans of the bible who were SO WILLING to pursue THEIR version of the truth that they started a series of wars over it called the crusades.

PLEASE CRITIQUE DON'T BITCH

Donny Cates is being an overbearing manchild who is seeking attention by actively responding to every troll when he should just keep on keeping on. The man is extremely talented- even if you haven't read his other work his other work is actually pretty damn original AND breaks out of the patriarchal standards for dudes.

That said, responding to every fucking troll has the air of 'my mommy and daddy said I'm special fuck you'.

It's obvious also that a lot of blog sites are confused by VENOM. Everybody could be worrying over nothing but Cates is blowing it our of proportion because he is a comic wunderkind apparently who shits sprinkles and talent. Next fucking Alan Moore? What??

See I'm not telling this to the man's face and fuck anybody who does. The whole point of opinions is that I can have mine and he can have his and despite responding to every troll which is starting to look like a plea for attention the guy is young and he'll learn.

You know that phrase opinions are like assholes, everybody's got one? What are assholes for? Shitting. It feels GREAT to take a shit we all know this. Would you really do it in public tho? In front of someone? This is my private toilet (I'll shit as I please) but every time you dump a critique or opinion or a fucking threat in front of a creator why take a dump in public? Trust me

Writers are masochistic enough even if you want to make a point or bitch I can promise you they'll see it. The 'yes daddy tell me how much I suck' attitude is as old as the first caveman who told the first story. Why embarrass yourself and shit in public?

Writers may get the privilege of not acknowledging the fans as they die, and live, and function, and make money off fans. They pay for that privilege fully aware that there will ALWAYS be people out there who despise every thing they do. Respect that. Shit in your own toilet.

VENOM IS ANTI-GAY NOW

This one pisses me off the most because as much as the internet wants to pretend otherwise venom was NEVER fucking gay and gay people deserve better.

I say this as a big bisexual queer agender person thinking of transitioning. We deserve better then an alien and a guy who started off with a shared quest for revenge who spent most of the 90s crawling around in a sewer. We deserve people cheering. We deserve villains and heroes. We deserve wiccan and teddy from young avengers getting married and adopting a baby and teaching the new young avengers

We deserve eddie coming out as bi and maybe finding this sudden!!lady!!!ex??? (Wtf Cates??) But idk maybe fucking patrick? Or the lady? Or both??

Gay people deserve better then venom and people who ship it y'all should acknowledge that you want to see better mainstream gay rep cause it was eyeopening a.f. for me. I'm AFAB and masc. Agender. Most marvel gay representation is super femme and marvel stuck iceman back in the closet.

I deserve better and I'd rather ask Marvel for that then yell at one writer. And I know it sucks when you realize the yawning casm of pain that opens but everything worth having is worth working for.

So listen you hate venom? Hate Cates's run? Want your gay slime back? - @ marvel on social and ask where the gay male folx are. Go to cons and politely ask. Take whatever anger you feel about something that doesn't exist and put it into working so people who come after will be better.

VENOM IS ABUSIVE NOW

It always kinda was?? Most relationships in comics kinda are because there is nothing normal about a man who puts on tights and goes out to fight crime? Also its made by a bunch of people who have a masochistic need to be yelled at?? Also a bunch of people yell at them if they fuck up??

Comics for all the fun they are are also really fucked up period and its really fucked up that its the only outlet so many of us have and honestly I've got nothing I was a grant ward stan some days in my heart of hearts I still pray for a meteor to kill me.

WRITE YOUR OWN SHIT AND I'M PRETTY SURE THE DUDE WILL THANK YOU.

Already there are fan comics and really fucking talented fan artists basically setting out to 'fix' this run and NOT @'ing Cates with 'kill yourself sucky garbage man' and whatever the man might personally think, as an artist I like to believe the dude might offer a small nod of respect since he sees our tumblrs I guess (lol hi??)

Sometimes all you can do is make something.

Instead of writing this tho maybe can you write out nice things? Like original work about two guys falling in love and maybe one of them has superpowers and there's some drama but then they keep falling in love and there's lots of cuddling and cute and some drama but its the healthy relationship y'all claim to want and partner A can actually hold partner B who has autonomy?

I need that. As a trans person I need that. I need it to not be weird and fucked up I need us to face our shit as a community and make something better.

Please.

That's all I've got stop sending death threats.

#venom comics #venom #symbrock #veddie #gay #i hate the show but i love them #gay male marvel characters

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alicezan-ncgred · 5 years

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Bleeding Red

Preface: I’ve been bitching around the bush of this long enough. So, I’ve been really silent on a bunch of stuff that’s been eating me alive which has made me both inactive and unproductive. I’m going to get straight to the point, starting off with the TL:DR from my post on my main blog. Context: An anon asked me if I was alright because I hadn’t updated in a while.

TL:DR You probably didn’t ask this to hear about all the bad shit of my life so here’s the short of it. No, I’m not doing fine. I will try get next weeks post out on time and I’ll work on making up on the lost posts. Updates will return regularly, ‘ite.

Time for the thick and thin of it.

Insecurity and being shafted: I’m stoic, even at my worst I won’t say anything. I’ll push through regardless of my current condition and since I’ve gone years like this, it’s not hard for me to do. In my real life situation, I’m currently in a place of social isolation. This has lead to a somewhat near reliance on Tumblr to be my social outlet. This present many issues.

The main one is that I’m quite the isolationist. This has only been reinforced by many interactions throughout the entirely of my life. Because of this, I can’t say I’ve ever had anything really more than two friends at a time. While in a way this has helped me express myself so well through writing, it’s come at the cost of social skill. I don’t talk to anyone.

With this kind of issue you could easily imagine that the THREE PEOPLE (four now, but very limited) to ever directly talk ended up in a way shafting me. The first blocked and disconnected with me without warning or reason. At this point we’ve been talking to each for about a month and we hit it off very well and then one day, silence. Never heard from them again. That fucked me up hard when I finally realized what happened.

The second person left during the Tumblr P**n Purge. We were talking about how to contact each other on other platforms and then they stopped responding. I had already given contact to other platforms of which they pinged me in any way. Another person that I trusted massively on here just abandoned me and I’m still hurting from that. Wasn’t fair at all.

Then the third person was someone that I been following for a while. This person is actually the reason that I’ve been putting this off for so long. I don’t want them to see this post but they will. I got an ask from them that ultimately turned out to be misinformation. I said I wasn’t mad but I was. I was so fucking angry about it and I’m still kinda mad, but I didn’t want problems. I still don’t. I just didn’t want them to worry about it. This will come back later.

I try my best to be as inoffensive as possible. The problem with that is that much of the things I believe or enjoy are highly divisive. Hell, even my own identity can be seen as offence. I’m bisexual, non-binary (I’m currently still questioning this. I might actually be gender fluid but in the overall scheme, that’s worse than being non-binary), and nonreligious. I’m in a very religious area so you I’m still “in the closet” about much of this IRL. I though it would better online but with how much people are saying bisexuality doesn’t exist, or that non-binary isn’t a valid gender (or that being gender fluid make you insane and you should be locked up) and all the hate people who say they are this are getting, the very community that’s supposed to accept me, HATES me. I had a bi pride flag icon last year during Pride Month. I never doing that ever again. It was terrible.

I’m trying my best to come out of my shell like I said I would when I made this blog but it seems I’m just crawling further into it. People I think I can trust keep setting me up to fall, people I know in real life won’t ever accept my existence if they knew who I really was, and my own mental health problem and self loathing are eating me alive. But that isn’t the total of it.

Crumbling Pillar: I’ve always ended up in the position where things were thrown onto me. In which no one wanted to do, I was stuck with. Because of this not only do I have a severe distaste being around my family (beyond everything mentioned before hand) but I grew to have a negative out look on everything. This effect is still quite obvious in my writings, especially my poems. Out of the 14 poems on my poem blog @washed-soul, only one has a happy meaning.

The one happy poem was called dreams. Under a metaphor it talks about how a demon kept me trapped in a dark space. I start to get better and nearly break free before I have a negative relapse back to my old ways. The poems ends with the demon putting a end to itself leaving the nightmare in which it was keeping me in to slowly fade away, letting one crack of light peeking through to become a window to a door until one day I walk free. When writing this poem, I never thought I would find myself rebuilding the nightmare but that’s where I am.

I’m done with holding things together that other people have placed onto me. Because of this, issues have began showing in my private life. Issues that should’ve been solved decades ago are only now being addressed. This change in the status quo of my life has caused many issues in my productive and mood. Between everything else I’m too tired to do anything.

Is that a reason, is that an excuse. No it isn’t but it’s the best thing I got as a reason. I’m doing my damnedest to do the best I can but of course, when it comes to the thing that matter I just fall short. Big fucking whopha my intelligence and capability does me if I can’t use it for anything that means a damn.

Meaningless Triviality: I’m a very emotional person. I’m very strongly bound to my emotions and if everything above hasn’t given it away, my emotions are very negative prone. But it just doesn’t stop there, it goes back into my memories. I can only honestly place 3 happy memories for certain that aren’t either A) a dream or B) me escaping reality through my mind. Besides that, almost all my memories are negative.

People like to throw around the word Nihilist to describe themselves because today's culture is very, god while I hate to use this word, edgy. For those who don’t know a Nihilist is someone who views the world as being completely meaningless and reject all religious and moral principles. I very truly struggle with this outlook of life. It’s a daily for me to berate myself saying “just kill yourself” or “I want to die” or just shutting down and crumpling up while say “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” over and over again. Hell, I did that while writing this.

I take things very hard, even the slightest transgression. I’m so used to trying to make things perfect and because people have the image that I’m the smart one, the mature one, the capable one, I’m left with the over hanging expectation of excellence. Almost no room for margin of error or being human. Since I’m the silent type, I put up no challenge and work to meet it. Only time I get any praise for anything too.

I guess as a little self promotion to my main blog, for those that have read the very first few updates of my main blog @the-truth-behind-redacted, or read Defiance’s character sheet, while The Machine and Defiance are separate character, they both share the name Machine. That in part is a reflect of said above expectation. How ravenous and inhuman it can be all under the guise of something human. Those characters are the two sides to the same coin.

Remember how I said I try to be un-problematical and how I try to avoid any potential conflict. In the first segment I told on how I lied about my feelings just so another person didn’t have to worry over something that honestly, in hindsight, wasn’t even really a big deal. But I also said how it consumed me in anger. I just don’t want to bother anyone over anything. It’s part of the reason why I am writing this post, as some way of a self enforced rehab program to get better.

This absolute consumption of negative emotion has pushed me into a non human state before. I hit a point of absolute mental exhaustion and in such a self enforced bubble of actual hatred I became completely apathetic. I felt numb to everything. I watched and heard of terrible things happening to people, and felt nothing. I watched people lives crumble before them leaving them nowhere to go and LAUGHED. “Just another worthless pathetic worm on this rotting carcass of a planet being hit with the hard reality that life doesn’t care for them. What whimsical pathetic bullshit they deluded themselves with to think otherwise.” This isn’t an exaggeration on how I thought, this is what I actually thought. Which brings me too.

The Mandatory Sob Story: Roll your eyes everyone and get the tiny violin. I guess in order for everyone to exactly understand the place I’m coming from when it comes to mental health I’ll have to detail my experiences. I have a long standing history with mental illness. I have professionally diagnosed OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, and visual and auditory hallucinations. I take 600 mg of Seroquel a day as well as Amitriptyline when needed. I’m also still currently in therapy to deal with said OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, the visual and auditory hallucinations, as well as Suicidal thoughts, and my Nihilism. There’s a reason to why I’m so god damn familiar with mental illness and treatment plans.

OCD and Bipolarism run in my family on my fathers side. My Father’s Father had them, my Sister has them, my brother most likely has them (however he refuses to see a doctor because he uses said possible mental illnesses as a get out of jail free card. He doesn’t want to be treated and he has FUCKING ADMITTED IT), my father has them, and I have them. I, however, have the misfortune of having it real bad. I said yes to well over half of all the total symptoms when I was being tested (I don’t remember exact numbers but I remember there being three pages worth of common symptoms) which was very worrying to the doctor. I was currently in an inpatient hospitalization program at the time for both suicidal thoughts and actions, and severe depression.

On that, my graze in with suicide. Before I went into my first inpatient program I was contemplating suicide. I was sat in front of a mirror with a bottle of over the counter medication. It was an unopened bottle of ibuprofen, 1000 200mg tables. What I planed to do was down the whole bottle with benadryl and die in my sleep. I had the small box of benadryl got from the Kroger pharmacy and a hand full of ibuprofen poured out looking directly into the mirror. My suicide note was sitting on the desk on my room with an online copy on my laptop open.

I sat there for an hour in the dead of midnight complicating my life. I had lost all hope in the world, filled with hatred, anger, pain, and despair. I had no god or after life to look forward too, part way hoping that a Hell existed for me to burn in. I hated myself that much. I was close to taking the first handful before before I caught a glimpse of my own eyes in the mirror. In what was in a weird sudden epiphany I realized that I truly did become what I hated but not for any reason I told myself. I became the very bastion of negativity I sought to fight and rid of in what little friends I did have. That was what set off my path to recovery in spite of the medical system. I guess if people care I’ll make a separate post on that.

Before I move on, I feel I should explain my history with the visual and auditory hallucinations. It should be no surprise that with everything else above, I also had extreme paranoia that led to me having very bad insomnia. Insomnia is, just like most other medical disorders like Depression, Self-harm, Anxiety, OCD, Bipolarism, is romanticized to hell. Insomnia isn’t having one nights bad sleep where you got 5 hours of sleep instead of 8.

You know what Insomnia is? insomnia is being physical incapable of sleeping despite not sleeping in 2 to 3 day while your body suffers massive agony brought on by this. Muscle spasms and seizing, difficulty breathing, your eyes feeling like fire ants are eating them, and of course visual and auditory hallucinations. Now I already had issues with visual and auditory hallucinations even when I could get sleep regularly but the combined effects of my OCD and Bipolarism made this perfect condition of Insomnia, Anxiety, Paranoia, with the already added in disposition to hallucinations and I felt like I was actually losing my mind.

My hallucinations presented themselves in three forms. Disassociation of reality, night terrors, or alterations of reality. Disassociation of reality often were complete black out moments. I would lose any perceived connect to reality and enter an episode of my mind. I can’t remember what they actually were but I do remember what it felt like. Cold sweats, anxiety to point where if I didn’t lock up I would vomit, actual physical pain, mind numbing fear, and intense fatigue.

The second were night terrors often in the form of horrific “things.” I do remember these and most of them were as best as I could describe, forms of things that were vaguely human and formations of industrial machinery. The most vivid one I remember was of a long lengthy apparition that was for the most part human but many locations of it’s impossible physiology were rebar beams and mechanical sockets. It began when I was about to fall asleep and it was next to my window. The thing was making week groaning and gasping sounds before it violently slammed against my window breaking it then letting out a horrific howl that I can’t describe as it tossed itself out followed shorty after with the sound of bones breaking against the dirt.

Now that might not seem so bad, exspecally with everything that is in horror movies or games now, but keep in mind that was fucking real to me. It was as real as the clicking of the keys of my keyboard as I’m writing this. As real as the chair I’m sitting in and as real as the wall in front of me. As far as my mind was concerned that thing, what ever it was, actually existed. It took me physical touching my window to make sure it wasn’t actually broken and checking outside to see if there wasn’t a body there. This isn’t the type of thing I talk about lightly.

Finally there is the alteration of reality. This is very simply but it’s something that fucked with me hard. For very little meaning or warning, I would have trouble interpreting the world around me. My hearing and sight would be warped and there wasn’t any real way to tell what I was hearing or seeing was real or not until the episode was over. The way I got through these was the ultimate fake it till you make it. Obviously, very often I failed and this created issue in my schooling.

Ending Message: I’ve been in a very bad state for a while now and as it is now, no signs of getting better. I also strongly believe my medications are being to fail me which I’ve been telling my doctor and therapist for over a year now but nothing’s been done. Mainly it’s my Depression but insomnia episodes are beginning and my own paranoia been on the rise. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even look at a creepy image or thumbnail without having a very bad episode.

I’ve managed to eat something today which was nice but my body is cramping hard. And to possible stave of a possible comment, I’m biologically male. Like I said I’m not in the best head space, or living for that matter. If this gets better, only time will tell.

#Long post #tw: suicide #TW: Depression #Trigger Warning #TW #OCD #Anxiety #Chronic Depression #Bipolar Disorder #Bipolar #Mental Health #My mental health

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fuckdavestriderheistheworst-blog · 6 years

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you too buddy all the SO questions

ugh why damn it i did not ask to be punished by means of talkin about vantas until my fingertips bleed

but fine

Significant Other Asks

1. Tell the story about how you met.

it was over the summer about three years ago and tumblr kept pushing a certain blog at me and upon checking it out i decided to give him some troll asks (which looking back upon now were lame as fuck? what was i thinking honestly)

anyway that became me revealing my blog over tumblr and then lo and behold we had a college class together and we realized we were sitting beside each other and i told him that his major was an “easy major” or something and basically he hated me for a while there

2. Was it a gradual increase of trust and love, or was there a specific moment where you knew “I want to be with this person for a long time”?

it was gradual for sure i went from picking on him to agreein to let him tutor me in english to craving his friendship and then falling in love with him without even realizing

before i knew it i was head over heels and here i am, happy as fuck that im dating my best friend

3. Describe their eyes. Describe their hands. Describe their laugh.

his eyes go from being like cinnamon to being like hot chocolate, in color accordin to lighting and in mood, his hands are warm and comforting to hold and are quick as all hell on a keyboard, and his laugh is rare but memorable, like its dusty from misuse and drizzled over with the annoyance i usually provide him

4. What’s your zodiac sign and mbti type? What about your partner’s? Do things like that reflect your actual compatibility or is it just bunch of bunk?

i had to google what my zodiac was because i think both of those things are bullshit but im a saggitarius and an isfp (or was it istp i dont remember its been years)

vantas is a gemini and...

i dont think he ever tested for it because he isnt internet quiz garbage but hey what does it matter without knowing his results i know that we are a fine match

5. Are you long distance? Have you met in person before? When do you get to see them again?

no, yes, and probably this evening when i bring back dinner

6. Tell me a story about a happy experience you two shared. Something that makes your heart warm whenever you think about it.

something that makes me feel really happy to remember is the new years eve after he got those color correcting glasses and i took him to watch the fireworks and he was so happy and amazed at the color and the show and i was so proud that i could do that for him

7. Tell me a funny story. Did they do something silly? Did you do something silly? Talk about your inside jokes.

one time i groaned into his ear and called him daddy to test and see if he had a daddy kink or not and he was SO into it so now im waiting to call him daddy again when he least expects it

8. Are your families supportive? Does it matter if they’re not?

yeah as far as i know both sides are

9. Would you ever have a pet together? Do you already have one?

we sort of have pets together but theyre also just kinda our own pets but with shared care

10. Do you have children together? If not, are you both interested in raising children some day?

i dont really want kids and i dont think vantas does either like ever we arent even married and also having kids would be a hassle

11. If they’re having a bad day, what do you do to help?

i usually just sit and talk to him and support him like a friend and boyfriend should do its not really anything special but it works every time

sometimes i surprise him with relatively cheap gifts or food too but he doesnt like me splurgin so i try not to make him uncomfortable

12. If you’re having a bad day, what do they do to help?

same thing really hes always there for me to make me feel better and talk things through

13. What’s something that your partner does that would be annoying if anyone else did it, but it’s cute when they do it?

scolding me like he is a third parent, somehow its endearing when he does it

14. Have you ever went on a vacation or adventure together? Tell me about it. If not, do you have plans to do something fun in the future?

yeah weve gone on a few sort of technically

that one road trip to texas we took and spent a while on

the trip to malibu

were planning (or i am) for a trip to europe this summer if its at all possible with our schedules

15. What’s something that you learned about yourself because of being with your partner?

that im enough just being who i am and that i can have a relationship without cash at the forefront

16. What’s a piece of advice that your partner gave you that has resonated with you?

you dont have to bend over backwards for somebody to please them or make them like you just be yourself

not the exact wording but that is the moral

17. Which one of you kills the bugs (or captures the bugs and places them safely outside)?

we take turns but i dont like to kill them unless theyre wasps or venomous spiders id prefer to catch and release

19. Do you prepare meals together? Does one person enjoy cooking more than the other?

neither of us can cook for shit so other people prepare our meals for us always

20. What are the best restaurants to go to? Do you see movies at the theater? Do you do things like golf or bowling, just to bond more?

i like taco bell and pizza hut, yes, and i dont think weve ever done either

21. Tell me about a time that you got into an argument over something silly.

we used to get aggressive over gay chicken sometimes early on in our friendship that was always fucking ridiculous

22. Tell me about a time that you got into an argument over something serious. How did you compromise? What did you learn?

one time vantas said he was disappointed in me and i took it hard and im pretty sure it ended with him leaving but i dont remember what brought it on or how serious vantas had been or how sensitive i had been

we got over it. not sure i learned any super moral from that but it did help me learn about him better in the long run and vice versa

23. Is there a famous couple, fictional or otherwise, that reminds you (or other people) of you and your partner?

will and jada pickett smith

24. Do you have a shipname?

vantder i dont know

maybe film boyfriends because he writes and i sort of direct

27. Do you have extremely similar personalities and interests? Or extremely opposite? Or is it a balance that just makes sense? How do you try to better understand each other? Do you ever have to experience things you’re not interested in, or vice versa?

we sort of click here and there but mostly our interests are different

i know he isnt super into art but he shows up to support me like he went to the award event with me and said he was proud of me and i like to offer up romcoms and movies akin to his interests when we settle in for date nights

he is supportive as hell but i dont think either of us have ever made a point of saying we arent interested in the other’s interests

28. Has your partner ever changed one of your opinions on morals, politics, society, etc?

he helped me to be better about takin school seriously so id say yes

he has also changed my opinion about myself almost completely

29. Tell me about a time that you were really proud of them.

when he got that book deal i was so happy i felt like huggin on him for days

i knew he could do it and it made me real proud to know that he did it and i am STILL proud of him

30. Does physical affection and/or sexuality have a role in your relationship? Are both of your needs being respected and fulfilled?

yeah both are heavily involved and fuck i hope so im not sure how much more i can step up my game

31. How often do you talk? On the phone, Skype, in person? Are you two the type that stays up too late because the conversation is too good to end?

we talk all the goddamn time and basically never leave each others side

i know i regularly stay up hells of late talking to him because i like it so much

talks get so much deeper at night when youre curled up next to somebody you love

32. Talk about your sense of humor, and your partner’s. Do you laugh a lot together? Which one of you is funnier?

were both assholes with sarcasm as our main crutch and im pretty sure we have both laughed at the others expense at one point or another but i would have to say that we are damn near a tie because both of us have a pretty deplorable sense of humor stand up comedy will not be in our futures any time soon

33. Is there anyone who doesn’t like the idea of your relationship? What’s the reason? How do you and your partner overcome disapproval from others?

no i cant think of anybody who is against our relationship

nobody that matters anyway

34. Have there been any hardships that have ultimately brought you closer than before?

i mean i hit my head and got retrograde amnesia and still had feelings for him so i think that eliminated any doubt i developed feelings just because of sex

i didnt remember it and i still loved him

35. What’s their contact name in your phone?

vantas

36. Tell me about what your partner is good at. Are they an artist, are they good at math, do they play a sport, etc?

vantas has stamina when it comes to running and shit for DAYS i thought id die the first time i went running with him

hes also a really great writer and im not just saying that to be supportive i think if he sat down and wrote a book itd get a film adaptation nigh instantaneously

steven spielberg would shit himself

37. Get really sappy and gross for a moment. Be so gushy that your friends would groan in mock annoyance if you told them. What’s adorable about your partner? What makes your heart melt? What’s something cute that they did that you’ll always remember no matter what?

god i just fucking love his eyes and his lips and his hair and the way that he scoffs over dumb “rich guy” things and how good his coffee is when he makes it and how i can NEVER replicate it that good even when he guides me through makin it. i love the sound of his voice in the mornings and late at night when i should be asleep but am clinging onto him and talkin about nothing in particular. i love how he says my name and i especially love that hes the only one who really calls me by my last name so affectionately. i love the way he reads and i love the way he still looks a little too long at colorful things sometimes when we are outside and walking. i love the way his hand fits with mine and i love that we can reassure each other through anything, that we will be there for each other through anything. i can easily see myself spendin the rest of my life with him and if not as a boyfriend then as a best friend

38. Let’s talk about life goals and hopes. Do you two have a similar idea for the future (regarding careers, getting a home, family, finding meaning)? Do you two make a good team? Can you imagine spending the rest of your life with them?

weve talked about moving in together or gettin a house but our careers are pretty up in the air right now except for vantas’ teaching job. i think we make a fuckin great team and id love to spend the rest of my life with him in any way shape or form

39. Reflecting on all of your experiences, what advice would you give to a young couple?

pick your best friend to fall in love with because youll never have a better love than that

40. Is your partner on tumblr? Tag them here and write them a small message, it can be anything.

@crimsongenetics hey vantas sorry for gettin all gushy here i hope i dont make you throw up at school i love you

#ask meme #literalillbeats #((m i s E R Y but THANK U

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prairiechzhead · 7 years

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I have read your blog and i get what you say,but i have met Debbie, this is pure fiction in poldark world. Not to be took seriously, Its not real,of course in real life she wouldnt stand s chance with her rights in the marriage, this is very loosely based on the books, to me book D did forgive him too soon, she went shopping with him before they reconciled, no bloody way, he might of looked guilty but he didnt say he was he made her suffer for months in the show, no way of i saw her bitchy

Or too snarky, R should be glad he got her what she did for him in s2 and looked after everything while he was sat for months waiting for a list, us brits love her and the show and they have both won awards this week and like i say its fiction

Debbie spoke to us and said don't read the book and compare it to the show you will be disappointed.

Debibie said people ask her how can prudie run to trenwith in a min when they are miles apart. She said its poldark world pure fiction, us brits love feisty D, she attracts the wider audience, more men watch poldark,now then ever s3 done better then s2" bbc iplayer no1 spot for a week, even my husband watches it now, its not to be took to serious ,of course 21st girl wouldnt work in 18th Cornwall, but viewers love the take on it. Divorce laws and husbands right dont matter in a sunday night fic

One last thing Ross did try with the marriage at first but dont you think it was his job too. He destroyed it to start with,then he pissed off for months and left her thinking he might not come back, he then moaned about her brothers having a barn, he may of never came back, i love Ross but he drives her hard, i know he didnt mean look else where but she thinks he did. As Sparks said she was brittle this series,fesity on outside but one push and she would be over,

Okay, Nonny. I hear what you’re saying. It sounds like your previous ask was to try and change my opinion and since it hasn’t changed, you’re sending me this.

I can tell you right now that you don’t speak for all Brits because there are Brits who agree with me. There are Americans who saw this season who disagree with me and think it was awesome. I don’t presume to speak for all of them when I give my opinions. I only speak for myself.

Ratings or sales doesn’t equate quality. 50 Shades of Grey sold a bunch of copies and made a ton of money at the box office, but it’s still a crap book and crap movie. To argue that is committing a logical fallacy. So is telling me that you know Debbie Horsfield. That appeal to authority doesn’t change my opinion.

These books have been around since 1945. People have read them. People have seen the 70s adaptation and are comparing that one to the current one. People are going to read them regardless if Debbie says we should or not. Inevitably, they are going to compare the adaptation to the books.

Historical accuracy does matter to some people. To make a period drama and then ignore the time period its set in is bad storytelling, regardless of who is telling the story. To do this to appeal to “modern audiences” is pandering. Debbie herself has said that her adaptation isn’t going to appeal to everyone. But you’re here in my ask box trying to convince me that my opinion is wrong.

Ross has been trying. You choose not to see it. As I said in my previous answer, Ross is terrible at communicating. More often than not, there is a disconnect between what he intends to say and the words that actually come out of his mouth. And those words come out sounding harsh or hurtful, too. However, Demelza never gives him a chance to clarify things when he does this. She reacts and then she goes off and does something out of spite.

Having said that, at the end of S2, Ross’s “true and abiding love” speech was his apology to her. That was a Ross apology . He meant every word he said. He admitted he was arrogant, which is not something arrogant people generally do. He admitted that he was stupid. He admitted that he was wrong and blind to what was going on around him. I honestly think it doesn’t matter if he actually said the words “I’m sorry”, some quarters of the fan community will never accept anything from him as being good enough.

Ross’s “pissed off for months”, as you put it, was him trying to help save his friend. He didn’t leave her because he felt like it. He felt he had a moral obligation to save Dwight. For her to get pissy because he is being this person she wants him to be (the one that steps up and helps when no one else will), is inconsistent with her character.

In the books, it took about two weeks or so. I have no idea why they chose to make it months in the show.

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crushsuggestions · 7 years

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crush the asks

below the cut i answered a bunch of crush related asks! i’m sorry if i didn’t get around to you, hopefully i can do these more often!

ask: i miss his voice and i miss holding his hand. i miss how his laugh made everything feel okay and how his smile warmed my heart. all i seem to want these days is his affection but i don't think I'll ever achieve that again. and it's utterly heartbreaking.

i’m so sorry! just remember that even if you feel bad now, it will pass, no matter how impossible that seems.

ask: my crush is like hella embarrassing but he's so nice to me. he always calls me babes and i tell him to not but like i don't really mean it. and he's got gREaT leGS, and this stupid fringe that's definitely too long and he makes me laugh. i still feel like nothing will ever happen between us, and next year we're not gonna have any classes together and i worry we'll just kinda stop talking :/:///

set up some sort of connection! you could jokingly ask for their number/skype/whatsapp, whatever you feel like, so you can talk more! whatever happens, good luck!

ask: hey! i have a real crussshh but the person is quite wild, and it's hard to see him regularly... what can i do? have a good day xx

similar to the other anon there! ask for another method of contact that they’d feel okay talking to you on, whether that’s texting or something online! you have a good day too! <3

ask: he likes someone else.. :/

aah, i’m really sorry, that sucks. i really hope you’ll feel better soon, just remember that it’s not really either of your faults, in you for liking them in the first place or you for liking them. best wishes to you anon, i hope you feel better soon <3

ask: Is it wrong for me to have a crush on someone while I'm in a relationship? Like, I'm not going to cheat on my gf for this person or flirt with them, its more of a crush where I stare and fawn over them. I would never hurt my gf like that but, I feel wrong.... am I?

i’d say that feelings are just feelings sometimes. you’re not consciously wanting to go out and have a relationship with this other person and you clearly love your gf. it’s about recognising that as a crush and not acting with it like you’re doing right now. feelings happen! but i’m glad you’re being a good person about it <3 <3

ask: do you have any advice on how to get over someone you see almost every day?

i’d say one of your best bets is to clear the air. if you can talk it out with them, phrasing it as a ‘crush you used to have’ or ‘something you’re getting over’, you might be able to clear some of the tension, whether that’s all in your head or in real life. if you can, try and stop looking at them as a crush (or ex crush) and just as a person or friend. i know that’s a bunch easier said than done though, so i wish you lots of luck <3

ask: sososo,, there's this kid and hes super cute and sweet and im rlly gay for him. buttt im also super awkward and afraid to talk to him about bc i dont know what he'll say or if he feels the same. any advice for overcoming that fear to give things a shot? xx

start up communication before actually asking them out, proposing those kind of feelings! whether that’s walking over to them and talking about something they did/said or just plain saying you think they’re sweet! it’s a good idea to get to a place where you feel comfortable talking! when it comes to the actual introduction, you could even ask a mutual friend to introduce the two of you? also, slow deep breaths, lots of hyping yourself up :D good luck!!

ask: not to sound annoying but did my ask not get answered because it was about having multiple crushes? is that not allowed on this blog. sorry

no, it’s totally okay!! there’s a lot of asks in my box at the minute and i’m really slow at getting around to them because i don’t want to spam people with asks. it’s almost never about the actual content of the ask (unless the ask is intentionally malicious in the situation or towards me i guess ‘:D)

ask: My more than crush is in the philipines. She i told her about how i felt towards her a week or two ago. We talk every everynight usually until 2am about all types of things and i usually just gush to her about how perfect i think she is.I feel really strong feelings for her and every time i tell her she says i don't feel this way and that i'm lying in a wierd voice and it sounds like she's getting flustered. What do i do now?

i’d say you should probably talk honestly about your feelings! if you’ve put forward that you like them and they don’t return your feelings, that’s totally okay on both sides and you can continue the friendship. if she doesn’t feel that way, i think it’s best to leave off on the subject, even if you’re unsure how valid that is, you have to respect her feelings!

ask: I met my crush online over a year ago and I've had a crush on him for 10 months. I think he might like me back but I'm not sure because I don't know if he's actually flirting with me or if he's treating me the same as his other friends since he's generally an affectionate person. He often tells me he wants to hold my hand, hug me, and he loves me, but I'm still not sure that he has romantic feelings for me. I asked him out in August and he said no but that was a while ago, so should I try again?

often with people, you can’t really tell their feelings by their actions, one of the main things you can do is talk it out. instead of asking them out this time and making your feelings clear, you could pull them aside and ask what their feelings are to you. if you can, keep the tone light and friendly, so it doesn’t get too odd for either of you, but i think that might be the best course of action. good luck!!

ask: god i am in love with two diff friends but im also in a relationship w a v cute gal (i love her but its not rlly working idk???) and shit aaaaaaaa i am dying of frustration bc itd be so shit to break up w her bc shes absolutely smitten and i have no idea how to deal???? idk im not making any sense sorry

i really think that if you don’t think it’s working with your current partner, that’s something you really need to address. while you might feel like you don’t want to hurt her, it might not be too nice to not talk about the fact that you don’t think it’s working with her! that’s something very important to talk out and be respectful before considering pursuing another relationship!

ask: so I've had a crush on my best friend for a while and she seems like she could like me back now...how do I hint that I like her???? i have no clue how to flirt, what should i do? thanks so much, i love your blog btw

you don’t have to hint at all! if anything, to avoid getting feelings confused, it might be more clear to have an honest, friendly conversation about it! that’s a little harder than flirting, but it might be worth it in the long run.

ask: I told my bf I loved him when he was really upset about something but I'm not sure if I meant it in the same way I loved him when we were just friends and now I'm thinking I said it too soon? I'm kinda freaking out a bit any idea what I should do?

it’s totally okay, i promise. it might not have been the right time to say it, in terms of them being upset, but it’s okay to be honest with how you’re feeling. if you wanted to clarify with them and speak about that, it might help clear your head a little!

ask: Ok so I have this one friend who I call my son bc apparently I Am The Mom Friend and ANYWAY he's in my drama class and the other day he asked if I had any feelings for anyone in drama but in the 'do you have a crush' voice and I Do in fact have a crush on someone in the drama class but I panicked and was just like 'well there's that girl we all hate and I freaking hate her' and he was like wow that's the worst thing I've ever heard you say about anyone and dropped it but WHAT IF HE KNOWS????????

i don’t know in the slightest gosh!! i think it’s probably best to clarify what you want to say when you talk to him again or if it’s not brought up again, i suppose assume that they didn’t take it that way?? absolutely your choice! <3

ask: There is this girl I really like. We hung out on Monday and we went to a park. I really like her, she's beautiful, funny, has an awesome taste in music and I just really like her. But I think she only like me as a friend. I don't know what to do 😭

the best thing you can do for your benefit is respect her feelings and understand that she doesn’t want a relationship! don’t stress yourself out over it, deep breath, do your best to let it go. there will be lots of awesome people who like you right back, this just isn’t one of them!! aah gosh, wishing you the best though anon <3 <3

P.S.

i’m sorry it’s not too much. i love all of these asks and i’m really glad that people are interested and enthusiastic about my blog but i do have 1,248 asks right now! i’m desperately trying to get around to them, please don’t get mad at me if i don’t get around to yours fast enough/at all! i’ve had a lot of not too nice anons recently and while i understand how bad it feels to be ignored, you also have to respect i’m a person too here!

aah that’s negative. i wish all the anons the best up there, let me know if posting in a chunk like this works for you!

#about a crush #all advice is my opinion only!#if you want to give yours you can totally reply or reblog the post #i'm sure that would help these anons a lot!

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bhadpodcast · 7 years

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A’s For Your Q’s!

Anonymous said to bhadpodcast:Im really curious to know why you strongly believe Tyler Hoechlin is gay? I can kind of see it but not as much as others and was wondering if you could explain the reasonings behind it. Do you see him as being truly gay or bisexual? Thanks really have just been wanting to know your thoughts! I hope I dont sound defensive or negative Im really just curious! Okay, gonna do a digest of a bunch of the asks here!

Anonymous said to bhadpodcast: While Hoechlin's open, unashamed and giant boycrush on Dylan as a person and as an actor and his constant staring at Dylan like he hung the moon and stars is super adorable and undeniable, he doesn't really strike me as a homosexual person. As far as my intuition and personal experience go there's little to no doubt Hoechlin is straight, but it's also absolutely impossible to deny the special, unique bond he shares with Dylan in real life or the intense chemistry they have on and off screen. So yeah, I genuinely believe Tyler Hoechlin has always been attracted to women and never really questioned his sexuality or even felt the need to... until he met Dylan O'Brien.

A lot of people hold that theory too. It is possible to just fall in love with a person. I’m of two frames of thought: 1) he never thought about gay, but Dylan awoke the possibility in his head and now he’s all “what other cars don’t have tops!?”, or 2) he knew all along, but Dylan is what made him cave into admitting it, but also what made him turtle shell when faced with the reality of a public relationship.

greyhoundsgirl said to bhadpodcast:I can’t even remember what started this but I’m guessing it has to do with Hoechlin and honestly with the trajectory his career is taking, it would only benefit him to come out, imo.-oh I'd love to hear how, not to keep the gay in HW discussion going but specifically to Hoechs cos I'm so curious about what he wants that trajectory to be vs what maybe it should be? I'm glad your surgery went well, too 😃

Anonymous said to bhadpodcast:Hoechlin and honestly with the trajectory his career is taking, it would only benefit him to come out, imo./why? could you elaborate? I'm not a Hoechs stan (I just drool at him), I'm asking 'cause I know nothing about HW and I'm not sure why you say this. I don't even wanna start wank, I'm actually kinda tired of the bouts of Hoechs drama here lol. I understand if you don't wanna get into it, but I'd appreciate your insight Sticky :)

Anonymous said to bhadpodcast:But there’s a very real atmosphere that tells young actors that being gay is career death but it’s really not//we know of many high profile roles where the "out" actor wasn't cast. Even if the public would accept a gay man playing Captain America, the real problem is that they wouldn't be cast by the conservative movie companies. For all the actors that are liberal, HW is still very conservative on the money side. Young actors not coming out doesn't surprise me, it's the famous ones that should.

guilleobsessions said to bhadpodcast:Someone said the cause Hoech hasn't come out was more complicated than him being in HW. I agree. If he is anything other than straight (according to my theory he isn't as straight as he wants us to believe) at this point he just uses HW life as an excuse, to not recognise that he is just afraid of stepping out of a world he created for himself, based on believes and ideals about how things should be. His need to please everyone it's just pulling him down... This is how I see it, of course.

Okay, so I want to clarify a few things before I get started with this.

When I say the concept of homophobia in Hollywood is based on a myth, I’m not saying that homophobia in Hollywood deosn’t exist. Of COURSE it does, but as with all things, $$$ money trumps all.

Because we are getting more diverse ways to access and distribute media, the people who produce it are also coming from a more diverse pool. It’s why shows like Blackish and Empire thrive, Fresh off the Boat and really all of the Tyler Perry programming. New demographics are being shown to be lucrative and more entertainment outlets are starting to cater to them.

My friend and I were talking about how disappointing LOGO has become. The fact that Logo hasn’t become Lifetime for Homosexuals is shocking. Prooduce some original gay films that have a campy and schlock factor with lots of ugly crying and they would be my destination every Saturday morning for the rest of my llfe.

When Colton came to Hollywood things like this weren’t an option. So he was told to stay closeted so it wouldn’t hurt his career. He was told being gay was career suicide and manipulated into being closeted until it almost freaking killed him.

Noah Galvin came on the scene a decade later where possibilities and opportunities were starting to open up and being gay didn’t automatically make you a pariah. But he doesn’t understand Colton’s generation and therefore he criticized it. The thing is that more and more actors are coming out and are creating their own opportunities. Meaning on a network level you can be a gay working actor and not have your personal life effect your HW career. You can even go out with your significant other and most people aren’t the wiser.

The myth lies in with people like Cody Saint Gnue who G4P, and are caught up in this web of producers and execs who thrive on the fear of being a pariah when they’re not the only avenues anymore.

Now, currently this works on a local level. Meaning you can appeal to the liberal masses and maybe score an online or nationwide hit. The international market is another beast entirely.

When I talk about Tyler Hoechlin, I want to be gentle when I say this, I don’t see him as having international superstar potential. I don’t even think that’s what he wants. And with that as a springboard, I think he’s a guy that could come out and just work locally in his little bubble and be perfectly happy the rest of his life. But I think this idea that he’s going to be this huge internationally known on the microphone star informs the image he tries to relay and ends up hurting him in the long run, especially if he lacks the ambition and desire to really go for the top spot.

I get this q once every other month, heh. Honestly if you search Hoechlin Gay on here most of my responses come up.

Here are some silly fun posts:

http://bhadpodcast.tumblr.com/tagged/top-5-gay/chrono

Also, this is mostly unrelated, but I was looking for a post of mine and found these and lol’d so hard

http://malecelebnews.com/2012/08/22/hot-couple-alert-dylan-obrien-and-tyler-hoechlin/

http://www.gaypopbuzz.com/tyler-hoechlin-gay-straight/

Again, nothing to do with anything, but I remembered this and it still make sme laugh:

http://bhadpodcast.tumblr.com/post/152910829257/they-do-and-they-are-suh-srs-lol-like-you-wanna

Umm... what were we talking about? Oh! Uhh... he’s got a ~quality?

Sigh, so even leaving out intuition, there are so many factors that point to it. Relatively isolated childhood with lots of team sports. He went to highschool, but because of acting was often home schooled or tutored. Had a very specific change of style that goes along with discovering yourself, but was a little late to the game because arrested development so we ended up seeing this first hand. Grew up kind of an ugly duckling, understands he’s a beautiful swan and knows how to use that. Has a TON of girl friends and then like.. baseball, actor “team” guy friends. Chunky rings and does his own makeup. The constant bearding. The sheer and obvious avoidance of anything TOO gay. He does this at cons a LOT, JR and Bobo will be nearly making out and Hoechs will be like PASS. He just won’t discuss, or come near it. Then there’s the whole GCC debacle and so much more.

There are just so many things that would lend themselves to him being closeted and I’m sure every single one could be twisted to him being straight, but the fact it’s so debatable is its own form of telling. Do a search for Hoechlin gay or Dylan bi, etc.

Anonymous said to bhadpodcast:My problem is people blaming Hoechlin for "the closet" and not being "honest". I get it, it's an O'Brien stan blog but he's the one with the most promising career. not Hoechlin. Blaming Hoechlin for the "closet situation" is ridiculous. O'Brien doesn't need Hoechlin to be out and proud, but no one seems to expect his coming out and Hoechlin is the messy one to blame. It's a bit easy.

This ask is baffling to me because I’m not entirely sure where you’re coming from. No one is blaming Hoechlin for a “closet situation”, I don’t know what that means.

We’ve had a lot of discussions about Dylan’s sexuality (oh, I still remember a LOVELY convo we had about his more feminine qualities and how they worked in concert with his masculine ones? So good!), but we all pretty much accept that he’s bi and in waiting. He’s with Britt and she knows and is cool and they love each other very much and the Hobriens think that if Hoechlin ever came out, Dylan would go with him and Britt would marry Julia, durr. Otherwise Brylan will get married and have a million kids. Either way we’re happy.

#hoechs in effect #a sticky minute #homo hoechlin #bi dylan #brulia ftw #a's for you q's #everyone's a little gay #it's hollywood!#top 5 gay

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