#i get why it gets back flack for really being a highlight of a persistent problem in l:redemption (ie the sillier tone | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thelightningawardsofficial · 5 years

Text

Review | K A T H A R O S

Judged by Shawn (Snowwhitewolf09)

Category: I'm Not A Mary Sue

[ Author: ArimaMary ]

>Title (5/5): I'm a sucker for Greek and Latin words, and Katharos is a word I find to be on the beautiful side of the Greek language. The title itself gives much of the work immediately, the chosen word obviously being a reference to Kiyoshi's emphasis on purity. Ergo, readers know what to expect the story to revolve around. However, I like the charm that it has to it, a lingering sense of mystique that persists.

>Summary (7/10): It's short and sweet, and manages to summarise what Katharos is. I am just docking a few points because I feel that you could have added a bit more to give a better picture of the story and hook readers. I also wouldn't really call Kiyoshi an 'average student' of Teikoku, since he seems to be more of an outcast if he gets flack for being a "foreigner".

>Plot (22/25) -> [17.6/20]: The overall plot is straightforward, and there aren't any twists and turns that make it complex. It might not be an intriguing stand-alone story, but since the book is a spin-off that is supposed to highlight the character and philosophy of Kiyoshi, I'm lenient regarding that matter.

I like how each chapter shows an important part of Kiyoshi's personality. They are well-picked, highlighting different facets each time, and adding a little bit more background on why Kiyoshi thinks like this or acts like that. I didn't feel a 'filler chapter' and that gives you quite a boon. The pacing was also adjusted enough to show the perspectives, though perhaps it leans a bit to the slower side.

The way I see it, though it is in third person, the narrator is attuned with Kiyoshi, appropriately moving slowly where Kiyoshi would be slow himself, like the almost-drooling-over-Kidou scene. Sometimes, it would feel a bit dragging, but that doesn't affect it too much, since it is covered with splendid character portrayal.

I didn't give you full points because the plot didn't make me crave to know what would come next (Partially because of the speed, and partially because there wasn't really much action to be looking out for), and it feels a tad lacking in events due to brevity and (I assume) the focus.

Regardless, the plot itself managed to bring out Kiyoshi's character with events, dialogue, and the pacing, so kudos to you.

>Characterization (18/20) -> [13.5/15]: I've little to say other than you've done great with Kiyoshi. After going through some of the chapters, his actions seemed to become easy to understand, since his character had been shown well. I enjoyed seeing his convictions and his vulnerabilities, as well as his view on 'purity'.

If purity is staying true to oneself, I find Kiyoshi to be creating many exceptions: he is merely staying true to what he feels at the moment, believing that it is his true self. He says rather early that he needs nobody else, reinforcing what he felt at the time. Later on, he shows that he actually is rather lonely, and convinces himself to mend his relationship with Keima. It's an interesting, yet utterly desperate (fitting of his character), way to view purity.

I do have a problem with how he saw Teikoku as his Paradise, as the earlier outburst gave me the vibes that he was not exactly fine with his place in school. Considering his vulnerable side that is shown later on, such irritability rubs me off as the result of having a negative view of the people in his school. Perhaps he frequently convinces himself that Teikoku is Paradise (which is why he also had his view of Teikoku changed into some sort of place of dark deals). Maybe it just strikes me as odd.

Keima is also well-done, but I honestly feel like he just seems a bit lacklustre before he talks with Kiyoshi about mending their relationship. That said, I look forward to seeing a bit more of him.

Grammar and Writing Style (13/15): While I did spot a few sentences that were oddly constructed (either run-ons or have pronouns that seemed to be ambiguous) and 'Hachidan' alternated with 'Hachi-dan', that is not what I want to mainly discuss.

The way you unfurled Kiyoshi's character was made effective by the well-written descriptions and the use of figurative language/symbolism. Of course, the most prominent would be the mention of the Garden of Eden, as it was what summed up Kiyoshi's motivations.

I also appreciated the use of 'Kin' as a human face for weakness and past mistakes, as though I am not sure who this Kin is, Kin has come to personify concepts that Keima and Kiyoshi find negative. I also particularly liked how his box of dreams was a literal cardboard box that had his hopes and dreams contained within—now that he was dead-set on following them again, they did not need to be boxed up and kept to the side anymore, but brandished. The hissatsu of Keima comes to me as a sort of representation of his reformation—Cortana was the blade that had its tip cut off, similar to how the once forceful Keima was trying to cut off his 'edge'—and makes me think of how much he contrasts with Sir Tristan of the Round Table (Tristan being the sorrowful Knight). He also had the Tristian-Igraine relationship with Kiyoshi back then, as Tristian married another person named Igraine, but always compared her to his first love.

It was a little hard to catch, but I saw a subtle "light at the end of the tunnel" derivation which made me read again just to make sure. As Kiyoshi was doubting whether or not he would actually be able to reach his dream through these dirty methods, walking through uncertainty, he drew nearer to the end. That was where he would face his dream. The scene was a transition from doubt to hope.

There's also this little bit that gives me a better view of Kiyoshi and Keima's relationship. I didn't get it at first, but I then realised it after studying up the names. Kiyoshi was the dragon to Keima's knight back then, reflected in their names Ryuugamine and Keima. Kiyoshi was the one who challenged Keima's moral code.

The mention of a red oni brought into my mind the 'red oni, blue oni' trope. The red oni is a symbol of passion and desire, or simply emotions. The red oni within Kiyoshi was being quenched, the void of loneliness being filled with the forgotten feeling of having someone to complete you.

I had to dock points for the little mistakes and some portions with descriptions that seemed to be a tad long, but those are just minor problems.

>Originality (9/10) -> [4.5/5]: Okay, I docked a point for the Teikoku Spy trope, and the lack of much things that are 'shockingly original'.

However, I will say that Kiyoshi himself is someone I find to be original in some ways amongst IE fanfiction characters. His desperate view of purity is something I haven't really encountered, and I find his foreign blood to be uncommon (Though Suabara also has foreign blood). I also liked how Kiyoshi was learning Killer Slide, a hissatsu that doesn't get much love, as it usually is seen as a show of brutality.

Also... Kiyoshi's later motivation for being a spy is refreshing to see. It was first much like desperation, but later on hope and optimism. Guess Keima did rub off on him.

>Feels Factor (14/15): I have to say, you made me feel much for Kiyoshi. He reminds me much of a friend of mine, and I sometimes I would be whelmed by Kiyoshi's shows of his desperation to cling to purity and what little bit of his dreams he has left. His mother was portrayed well enough for me to almost want to slap her across the face, while the contrasts made between Kiyoshi and Keima's backgrounds made it much more difficult to not feel anything for the blond.

I felt less for Keima, though it was to be a given since he was not the focus. Nonetheless, your words managed to make me connect with his doubts about how he treats others, though I feel like there could have been a bit more to him.

Seeing Kiyoshi come to terms with his dream and his interactions with Keima was a blessing. You averted one of the things that I find too often—a spy doing it because of some threat. You gave Kiyoshi a positive reason to become a spy, which is not to prevent damage to himself, but to finally reach his dreams that had been suppressed.

I had to dock a point because of Keima and how I wasn't particularly craving to know what would happen next, but that's minor.

🅞🅒 🅡🅔🅥🅘🅔🅦 -> [➊➍.➊/➊➎]

>Name(5/5): Ryuugamine means "dragon's peak", and is not too odd of a surname. The contrast with Keima's name gives it a little bit more substance, though the name itself isn't telling of too much. Additionally, I thought of the Seiryū, and how its connection to Wood fitted soundly with the elemental affinity of Killer Slide.

Kiyoshi's name reflects who he is, as well as the ideal that he strives to achieve. Ultimate purity, stainless, at all costs. Kiyoshi's name means "pure," and is fitting.

>Appearance (6/8): I get enough description from Kiyoshi to have a general idea of what he would look like in a crowd, but details of his physical appearance aren't as focused on as Kidou Yuuto's.

I like the little detail that he likely has some pimples on his face, as it makes him look more human in a world where practically every character looks like their face never needed cream nor shaving their entire life.

I had to dock points for the scarcity of description. Aside from the colour of his hair, the presence of red-rimmed glasses, and his pimples, there is little else. His physique nor skin colour isn't touched upon, even his eye colour isn't something I've found.

Furthermore, I cannot seem to get around him being called foreign-looking because of his blond hair, considering the fact that there are many who also have blond hair, and that green hair isn't anything odd.

>Personality(10/10): Kiyoshi's personality is definitely well-developed and well-shown. I've already touched most of this in the Characterisation, so it'll be redundant here. You've done a good job of showing how strongly he clings to his idea of purity. Especially that fixation on Kidou, that is almost unsettlingly detailed.

The development of Kiyoshi's character with Keima as the trigger was pleasing. Early on, he was against having friends, and came off as an individual who was fiercely independent. Just as he was back then, according to his talks with Keima. But talking with Keima showed that Kiyoshi still had the capacity to truly connect; it had only been boxed up and put to the side like his dreams.

>Strengths and Weaknesses(11/12): His vulnerabilities are well-exploited. His desperation made him lean to Kageyama, and his hesitation to act upon his passion was made apparent many times. You managed to show Kiyoshi's weaknesses and bloodily ripped them out for people to see.

His strengths don't really shine all that much, though they do show themselves. The most prominent is his dedication, especially to his own idea of purity and his dream. Kiyoshi's skills were mentioned or shown, though not particularly highlighted—he has great body coordination, notable skills with technology, and a commendable cooking ability. It's a bit hard to see, but Kiyoshi also has a sort of childish charm at times that slips through the cracks.

>Interaction With Canon (10/10): It doesn't wreck or affect canon all that much, and happens at a time when Teikoku likely would have sent spies to Kidokawa, so no problem here.

>Relationships With Canon Characters (5/5): It's mostly Kidou, and they share a relationship I see as something that wouldn't be off. Kidou maintains an attitude towards him that is like most Teikoku subordinates, while the crush that Kiyoshi has doesn't seem to far of a stretch considering his status and charm.

Kiyoshi's relationship with Kageyama isn't expanded much, but it can be seen that he has a pretty... typical relationship with the man. It is not odd, rather it is something that is reasonable given Kageyama's notorious reputation. Kiyoshi seems to see him as the blood-stained path that would lead him to his dream, the evil benefactor that offers him his deepest desire. He sees that Kageyama is shady, and Kiyoshi seems like he does not want to concern himself with the Coach anymore than he has to, but he is willing to put those aside for football.

[Raw] 74.6/100 + 47/50 [Scaled] 88.7/100 [Final] 88.7%

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#review #fifth critique #katharos #inazuma eleven #original characters #pre-canon #prequel #slice of life #introspection #friendship #ryuugamine kiyoshi #kirishima keima #short story #I'm not a mary sue

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