#i just wish he hadn't messed with ne | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

v-v-void · 2 months

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Realized today that my "special Interest" is also the thing I started researching daily because it was the only thing I could do that didn't completely piss my abusive ex of. The only thing I could do on my phone that wouldn't start shit. I couldn't talk to anyone without it being an issue. Playing games on my phone felt like... idk it made the days drag on. It made living life feel more like running on a hamster wheel and that didnt help my situation but it was a way to pass the time without setting him off. Mind you everything i set it him off abruptly. I had lost any interest in books. I couldn't write. I got a really nice paint set, pastels, water colors and an easel because art class was the only class I'd go to and passed. I didn't even get a chance to use it because I brought it to his house so I had something to do while he played his x box. But anytime I talked about wanting to try it, he would either make fun of me or tell me I wasn't any good anyways so why would my mom even get it for me. Still to this day. I'm obsessed with the way oil pastels feel in my hand. How smooth it goes on a canvas. The way you can blend them together and everything looks soft. The way you can change your strokes and the texture changes. Even the way it looks when you drag a paper towel across it. Ugh. I suck at art but I love it. Painting too. But pastels will forever hold a spot in my heart. And I haven't touched any since before I got the art supplies back then. It's the only thing I wish I went back for or asked someone to grab for me. But it wasn't worth it.

With that being said. It didn't matter what I did. His moods were so.. unpredictable..

Any who. Astrology. That was my thing

Never felt much like a Leo. Still don't most of the time. But at least now I know why. Now I see more than just the basic sun sign and I can never get enough. Still to this day.

I'll just sit here and save post after post and compare it to stuff I've already learnt. And yet I go blank when anyone asks about it because I'm afraid to sound stupid. The odd time someone asks and pushed for me to share a little.. I will go off on a tangent, get embarrassed, feel like I don't make sense and then I'll wish I kept my mouth shut and pretended I didn't know anything. At least then I wouldn't sound stupid because now I don't male any sense.

Fucking hell this guy messed me up. I'm afraid people will think I'm stupid for believing in it. I'm afraid I'll sound stupid or people pretend to care. Or they ask about it and I say I know alot and yet.. when asked.. I shut down. So how tf will someone believe me.

Same goes for when people ask about what happened and what he did to me behind closed doors.. I got told I had ptsd and I felt like that was absurd because he hadn't hit me.. the damage is so clearly there. And yet I still feel like people don't believe me. It's awful to say but I wish he hit me. Bruises heal... not this though. This dude lives in my head rent free and makes sure I'm terrified and second guessing everything and everyone. It's rare for me to feel calm. To feel comfortable. Or confident. I'm afraid to try because I don't feel good enough. I don't know myself because he turned me into a husk of a person. He fed on the power he had over me and I've tried to deny it but he still does. And I hate myself for that. I feel weak. And scared.. and just.. so fucking angry. How tf did I let someone who treated me the way he did, cause me to fuck up my education. And now I'm lost and stuck and I feel unsafe with everyone and don't know how to let anyone be here.. but I'm so tired and I just want to feel safe with someone again. Tf is wring with ne

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zuffer-weird-girl · 4 years

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'Unexpected'

Overhaul/Chisaki Kai x reader

You just had finished eating and placed the plate on the sink for you to wash later, when a knock on the door caught your attention.

"One sec!" You went to the nearest mirror and tidy up a bit your messy hair to open the door only to get surprised at seing who exactly was.

"Kurono-kun? Hey! Wanna come in?" The man shooked his head with one of his palms lifted mumbling a 'thanks' before returning his gaze at you.

"I'm sorry to bother you in such hour miss (Y/N), but could you come to the Shie Hassaikai's house?"

"Ne? Why? Something happened?" Kurono averted his gaze as he made a strange noise lifting his palm to make a signal that meaned 'more less'.

"Does it have to do with Kai?" You asked in worry and Hari nodded a bit aprehensive and awkwardly. "I'm going to change. Make yourself at home, I won't take much long, promise."

You allowed Chrono to enter as you went towards your room. Before choosing a change of clothes, you checked your cellphone, just in case you hadn't missed a call or message from your boyfriend.

But nothing of him was found...

You walked along sides with Hari until he stopped close to Chisaki's office and knocked before opening the door for only you to enter.

You thanked him and turned your front to be met with Kai with his elbows on his desk, hands burried on his hair as he mumbled some incoherents words.

He hadn't hearded when Kurono knocked?

You took aprehensive steps towards him before calling his name on one of your gentles tone of voice.

He jerked his head up towards you in shock before calming himself down again. Staring you dead in the eye.

"You're late." He mentioned numbly as you laughed.

"By only five or eight minutes."

"Still late. Learn to be more pontual."

Okay, he wasn't on a good mood apparently... now you had to be really carefull with your words.

He keep glaring at his desk with what seemed like a mix of pure hate and... perhaps sadness?

You decided to broke the silence when he got up and montioned with his hand to follow him.

"You didn't send me any messages, and Kurono just went into my apartment to bring me here... did something happened?" You asked as soon as his bedroom's door room closed.

He let out a shaky breath before slowly taking off his mask.

"Not exactly. I just... I needed... ugh." He groaned in frustation when he couldn't get the words out.

You stood there, still confused but worried no less, until you just smiled and took a seat on the edge of his bed, patting on your side as a signal for him to sit as well.

He glared for a few seconds before sighing out loud and complying to your wish.

"Was it something involving your work?" He shook his head, placing his elbows on his knees as his head hung low "Precepts not following your orders and messing around?" He shook his head again.

You gently lifted your hand up to carress his darkbrow looks, retreating a bit when you noticed that he flinched at the contact.

"Sor-"

"Keep going." He commanded, still with his head hung low, golden eyes not daring to meet yours.

You slowly carresed the top of his head gently,only after to give sweet scratches at his scalp, emmiting what could only be described as pleased sighs.

"Geez what the world did this time with you?" You spoke gently as you still patted his head. It wasn't regular when Kai accepted this but when he did it was usually when he was stressed and needed to calm down or simply because he want it.

He let out a growl as he straight up his back to look at you, tired but somehow relaxed golden eyes learing at your soul.

"Dd you showered?" He asked and you nodded, indicating with your two fingers up the numbers of showers you had today as he hummed in approval.

His eyes trailed down to your legs and stayed there, seemed lost for a second as he curled and uncurled his hands in fists.

"Tired?"

"More than you can imagine..." he sighed and placed his chin on your shoulder as he breath in slowy in your scent.

You tensed up a bit before cooing internally at such a sign of your boyfriend.

So it was one of those days huh?

"Kai, do you want to lay down a bit?" You offered as he opened one of his eyes in suspicion, arching one of his eyebrows up.

After a few seconds he sighed out loud and simply let his head fall to your legs. He groaned on them, sending shivers through your whole body.

"U-uh... Kai?" He hummed in annoyance "W-what... what was that about?" You giggled as he groaned again, one of his arms circling around your waist as the other went beneath your legs to cage you to him.

"I have no idea." He growled before lifting his head up to bury in your belly instead "Suddenly you came to my mind and then I got like this... witch."

"But I didn't do anything!" You whisper yelled in mockness as you notice the hint of a smirk starting to appear on his handsome and glorious face.

He surprisingly nuzzled further in you and seemed to let a sigh in relief as he hugged you closer.

"Kai as much as I love this-" his gloved hand caught your wrist and placed on his head as he growled, a silent demand for you to pet his head "What happened for you to be acting like this? This isn't your normal-"

"I didn't sleep." He groaned in irritation, interrupting your rambling "Ever since that night you spend on here, I couldn't exactly sleep properly. " He sighed as he nuzzled his face against you "There. Satisfied?"

You opened your mouth and closed a couple of times in shock, you had spend one night two or three days ago on his house due to a strong storm that Chisaki simply refused to let you go and demanded that you stayed the night.

You slept on the same bed as him due to his commands, of course only after a burning shower.

Nervous was a understatement for both of you, but in the morning you just woke up... caged. Caged between two strong arms and a very build up chest.

You remembered that your face almost exploded from the burning heat from your blush, and when you tried to get up to prevent any complains or even the anger of your boyfriend, he just squeezed you tighter to him as he mumbled for you to stay still.

He denied that this happened ever since then... but you knew you weren't hallucinating.

"You didn't get to sleep since that?"

"Best damn sleep I've had in ages." He mumbled in your skin as your jaw almost dropped with a disbelieved smile that could even reach your ears.

You gulped down the urge of screaming in joy at this as you bounced just a little your feet to contain your joy and excitement.

"Don't get full of yourself now angel." He suddenly muttered and you manage to quiet down.

You forgot that he knew you like the palm of his hand...

"Sorry." You mumbled embarrassingly as you scratched his scalp gently with your nails, soon noticing that you were starting to feel kinda sleepy as well.

"Tired my angel?" You felt the warmth of his body leaving your legs as you whined in dissaproval.

He smirked slightly at that before pushing you down to lay on your back as he did the same, sliding a arm beneath your back to push you against his chest as he buried his head on your hair, breathing the sweet scent of your shampoo and your natural smell.

You blinked your eyes as a effort to not just fall asleep due to his warm and so secure hold.. it just felt.. it felt like you were in heaven in his embrace...

Hironic right? Feel in heaven when you were in the devil's arms... but he was your devil...

"So I am staying again or I can leave later?" You yawned as his other arm came in contact with your waist.

"Is too late for you to get back to that apartment. You're staying in tonight."

"But I-"

"Shut it. I'm tired." He growled while you sighed, snuggling closer to his neck. Before you could even think on a response his hand came to your face, holding you still a few inches away from his own as his tired eyes, filled with the wish of just closing them...

His gloved thumb went to your chin and pushed down a bit before he went in for a kiss, not leaving you time to think before his tongue came in contact with yours.

You widened your eyes in surprise even after he separated and returned to bury his head in your hair as he mumbled a good night.

That sure was unexpected but definitely not unpleasant...

Sleepy Kai is just as good as a touch starved one.

#overhaul x reader #overhaul scenario #fanfic overhaul #overhaul #chisaki kai imagine scenario #chisaki kai x reader #kai chisaki #chisaki kai #bnha imagine #bnha x reader #bnha characters #bnha villains #bnha #bnha imagines #my writings #zuffer writings

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renee-writer · 5 years

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From Highlander to Gladiator Chapter 37 A Fitting Punishment

Jamie and Claire

Claire

I am vaguely aware of the sounds of struggle as Jamie applied Viking Highlander justice to Marcus. And rhen the sounds of his fellow trainees pulling him away. Mainly I am aware of my own heart, beating at a rythymn that dumps adrenalin into my blood, of my own skin that still crawls under the memory of his hands on me. Of my breathing, still rushed as my body prepares for a fight that is no longer necassary. I want my husband's arms around me to replace the memory, actual and visceral, of another man's touch.

But, when the arms come, they are Tianna's. I cling to her and whisper Jamie's name. "He will come to you as soon as it is safe. To many eyes right now." I understand that but I need him.

Jamie

Pollux tries to sooth me. "He is in a locked cell being guarded by Janus."

"Who?" I growl, my eyes on my wife in Tianna's arms.

"The nan who's nose you broke. Don't worry. He witnessed enough to understand the need to keep him locked up until the master tries him tomorrow."

"Will she get justice?"

"She will. How can I help right now?"

"I need to get to her. See her safe." He nods and explained to the others that we would be seeing to the ladies and Marcus was safely locked up. The disperse talking about what may happen to Marcus. As soon as they are gone, I run over to Claire and take her into my arms.

Claire

"Jamie, oh God Jamie!" I cry as soon as he has me.

"I ken love. I've ye. Ye are safe now." He lifts me and we start towards Tianna's and my rooms.

"All I could do was scream. Just like before."

"He will pay. I promise ye. Ye will get justice." We arrive and he goes to lay me down. I can't let him go.

"Please. I need you with me."

"I would if I could. I dinna wish to leave ye. Ye ken that."

Jamie

How can I leave her? Tasked with her protection as her husband and official guard, she was almost violated. Just like with that Randall bastard. Now she asks me to stay by her and I canna. I have ne' felt more helpless! Pollux brings in a jug of wine and two cups. I pour us each one. She drowns it and request another. After, she seems a bit calmer. I hold her as long as I can.

"I must go. If I don't, the situation can get worse." I whisper against her lips as I gently kiss her.

"I know."

Claire

I know why he has to go. I hate it and know he does too. But, I let him go. Tianna then comes in.

"What do you need?"

"A washing. I still feel him." We both shudder. She runs off after water and I strip my dress off. I toss it across the room. When Tianna returns, I wash in the ice cold water. The temperature doesn't bother me. I need to get clean. I then wrap up in my sheet and blanket. Tianna climbs in beside me and holds me.

"He saw me kiss Jamie. That is why he thought he had a right." I confess.

"It isn't your fault or Jamie's"

"I know. It is just.."

"Shhh. Not your fault." She sooths until I fall into a troubled sleep.

Jamie

I can't imagine sleeping. I turn to my side and recall Fort William. Her scream. Climbing the wall. Seeing..I shudder and mumble a curse.

"Not your fault Rufus." I jerk. I dinna ken he was there.

"Who's then Pollux. I am her husband. It is my duty to protect her."

"His! And his only. And you did protect her. He didn't.."

"No but."

"No buts. Trust me he will get what he deserves." He sits and talks until I fall asleep.

Claire

We are woken at daybreak. The female slave brings breakfast but neither Tianna are able to eat. I dress in my spare dress and Tianna tightly plaits my hair. We are taken to a large room. We join the master in a balcony overlooking the floor. It is lined with seats. Tianna explains that is where the gladiators will sit to witness. I nod.

Jamie

Pollux wakes me and offers breakfast. I wave him off and we join our fellow trainees as witnesses to the punishment of the bastard. I spot Claire with Tianna. She holds tight to her hand. I am glad she has her but, I wish I could be up there with her.

They bring him in. He is thrown to the floor at Claire and the master's feet. I am glad to see his swollen eyes, his busted lips and nose.

Claire

He is thrown at our feet. I can't look at him and search and find Jamie's eyes. I hold them as the master reads the charges against him.

"You were present when the rules were laid out about Alba and Tianna. Alba, will you confront him with what he has done?" I nod, my eyes still on Jamie. I tell him and the others all that happened except the reference to the kiss. I don't want to get Jamie in trouble

"Do you have a defense against these charges?" He looks down at Marcus. He just sneers up at him.

Jamie

I wait to see if the bastard actually tries to blame Claire. If he does, it will take all my fellow trainees to hold me back. He doesn't. The master looks down and shakes his head.

"You knew the rules. You broke them therefore you will make a fit dinner for the lions tomorrow." I hear Claire gasps.

Claire

"Please master. I thank you for seeing justice for me. But, I don't want to be responsible for his death. Is there no other punishment." I ask through Tianna. He thinks then I see a gleam come to his eyes.

"As you wish Alba. I will spare his life." He turns back to Marcus," You will be made a eunuch. Pollux and Rufus will take you to have it done. I have spoken."

He is drug out. I hear some of the gladiators laugh as he passes them. A few shake their heads in pity or disgust.

Jamie

A eunuch. I've heard the term but am unsure of it's meaning. From the response it is a verra bad thing. As he passes me, I say," She spared your life. I wouldn't have "

"She should have killed me. I will be as good as dead."

"Good." He is taken back to his cell.

Claire

Jamie comes to me after the trial. We sit in my room and he holds me.

"Why did you spare his life?"

"I couldn't have his death on my conscious. Are you upset."

"Nae. I understand. Ye may think me draft but, what is a eunuch?"

"I don't think you draft. A eunuch is a man who has his testes removed."

"His what?"

"His bullocks. His cock will only be useful for pissing." He laughs aloud.

"A fitting punishment indeed."

"Yes. He will only be able to work as a women's servant. I am sure the master will feel better."

"The master, why?"

"You hadn't heard," he shakes his head," well, rumor has it that he was messing with the master's daughter. He can't now."

"That is true. So we will be taken him to be made a wean again."

"Basically."

"That is why he said he was as good as dead."

"I am sure he will think so."

"Weel, he shouldn't have tried to molest ye."

"He saw use kissing. He said that is why." I whisper against his chest.

"Iffrin! That bastard tried to use our love as an excuse."

"He did."

"You ken it wasn't yer fault."

"Nor yours."

"I am the man, your husband, and guard."

"It was no one's fault but his. Hold me Jamie. And let me hold you." We lay together as long as possible.

#my writing #jamie and claire #outlander fanfic #cannon divergence #the gladiator one #from highlander to gladiator #a fitting punishment

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crescendo-system · 7 years

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Memory walked again, this time damara.

-started out in the dream bubbles. My immediate surroundings were yellow and sandy, but the sky was multicolored and cracked in some places on the horizon. I took in my outfit - red skirt, white socks, buckled red shoes- i think i was wearing a seifuku but I'm not sure. As I looked up from myself a gust of wind suddenly blew my strands of hair sideways into my face. I grumbled, brushing my hair out of my face and glanced over in the direction it came from. Since air pressure doesn't happen organically in dream bubbles, I thought to myself that Lord English must have taken out another dream bubble.

I wandered a little ways, thinking about how there must have been alternate versions of my group there, and a part of me was thankful my group was all in one bubble - or at least I always assumed so. I didn't usually bother to check either way. But the idea of one reality's gang getting scattered into multiple dream bubbles seemed like a weird concept to me. The dream bubbles never really made sense though.

- I took a seat under a weird tree, perched on a cliff edge. I could see where I had been from there, and I decided to just let my feet dangle while I had a smoke. As I spaced out, staring down at the ground, I saw Rufioh passing underneath me and got an idea. I flipped my foot so that my shoe came loose and landed square on his head. He got startled, looking around as he grabbed the foreign object off his head before finally looking up at me.

"Oi Rufioh, could you give me back my shoe, I dropped it," I sneered, pretending as if it was an accident. We both knew better though. Rufioh sighed at me and said

"Damara, what do you want?" As he tossed my shoe back up. I caught it, grinned, and I don't remember exactly what i said, but it was the usual mix of insulting and vulgar with a bit of self-depreciation. I remember getting a kick out of his expression. He just frowned and sighed "why are you always like this," before stalking off in a huff.

"Mata mite ne, Rufioh-sama"

(see you later, Master Rufioh), I taunted. I relaxed some, fixing my shoe back onto my foot before I decided to lay back and stare up at the sky, feet still dangling off the edge.

- I didn't get to lay there undisturbed for long, before Horrus suddenly leaned over my head, his sweaty face a little too close for suddenly being there. "Excuse me, Damara, but I was wondering if I could ask a favor," he started, as I scrambled to get away from under him and sat up.

"Horuss, kuruna!!"

(Horuss, stay away!), I shouted angrily at him. I wasn't in the mood for his horse shit. Of course as usual he didn't understand what I had said. He sorta frowned as he tried to understand through my accent.

"You seem rather angry at me, Damara. I do wish I better understood what it is you're saying..." he folded his arms and tilted his head in thought, but i was just too upset for even messing with him.

"Dakara omae wa mou iku wayo!!"

(That’s why you should just go already!) I snapped at him, jumping down from the cliff to get away from him.

-Something strange happened to the space then, though, and rather than landing at the bottom of the cliff among the sandy area i was in, I plummeted through the air until I landed in a pile of snow. Dream bubbles... weren't all that much fun to deal with.

Wherever I had landed was super cold, snow was everywhere and it was still snowing and i had no clue whose memory this was. It didn't look like it belonged to anyone i knew. Just about then, one of the human kids - a godtier Jade- approached me, and I made the connection that this was probably her memory, maybe even her land. "Hi there! You must be one of the trolls!" She smiled at me. I frowned a bit at her, arms folded tightly against me as I shivered in my seifuku. I sort of grunted an affirmative at her, trying to figure out her deal or place her- as Damara, I hadn't had any contact with the kids up to this point I don't think.

"My name's Jade, what's yours?" She inquired to me.

"Watashi wa Damara desu," I replied, but she didn't seem to understand me. I started to repeat myself, but I reconsidered my words. I enjoyed using my accent to piss off my group, but I didn't like them that much for the most part. She wasn't one of them though, and I actually wouldn't have minded befriending her. So I decided to make an effort to be nice.

"watashi wa -- My name, is Damara." My speech was slower, and I tended to pause or hold at certain times, but she seemed to understand me well enough and was pleased.

By this point she noticed how cold I seemed to feel, and decided I needed to go with her elsewhere. She took my hand and led me elsewhere, and while the memory began to peter out from there I’m fairly certain she led me to where she’d been conversing with John and Rose and introduced me to them.

-I remember thinking Jade was fairly pretty and cute, and John looked just weird to me (I only remember the subjective thought process, not what he specifically looked like.) I don’t remember thinking much one way or another about Rose. I also remember focusing on how Jade was holding my hand, and how nice it seemed.

-I had another brief memory, of fighting with Meenah before we all died. She was on top of me pummelling my face repeatedly, and it stung. I used my telekinesis to fling her off and away from me, and I slammed her hard into the wall as I struggled to sit up. I was pretty pissed, but I was also hyperaware that everyone around me seemed to be judging me hardcore, given that I’d injured Rufioh heavily and that it seemed like I just dealt a lot of damage to Meenah. But I felt justified in my actions, they both had it coming I felt like. I’m not sure if at the time everyone understood what both of them had done to me.

-I also briefly remembered scratching the Cardinal movement, just breaking it with my weapons (wands or needles, not sure which... I feel like they were wands tbh). It was so freeing to destroy it with my own hands like that.

The Japanese is pretty weirdly formatted, although better than google translate. I’m not sure if it’s because my brain refused to use google translate style on principle, or if as Damara it sounded more like human Japanese. But this is as close as to how I remembered it at the time I was seeing these memories, so this is how it is.

Some details didn’t feel entirely accurate at the time I was recalling things, but after processing it everything feels pretty spot on in terms of general accuracy at least.

#memory walk #peraperamemories #perapera #I'm glad I know some Japanese in retrospect #otherwise I probably wouldn't have heard what I said specifically but just gotten a vague idea of what I'd say when speaking to others #internal thoughts I understood perfectly and didn't lapse into the japanese territory #but spoken phrases were usually in some distorted form of japanese unless I couldn't understand it #then i would just get the sense of what I was saying #damara.txt

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