#i messed up and i wish so much that i didnt

[idkwhatimdoingbutslay]

… I can’t imagine that we actually watched the same show. Like I REALLY AISNSOSNWKMEJDND

hold on I’m gonna need to calm down.

Let me just make a list of why I disagree and at least organize my anger. Long post incoming.

Vander was friends and had a deal with Grayson. The sheriff. Idk what else to even add to that

Caitlyn is more than a cop and Arcane isn’t copaganda. Genuinely don’t know what kind of progress some of these people are looking for. Real allies are a necessity for real progress.

SILCO IS A CLASS TRAITOR. HE FUNNELLED DRUGS INTO THE UNDERCITY AND PUT POOR KIDS IN FACTORIES FOR THAT DRUG FOR PROFIT!!! HE PAID THE ENFORCERS TO LET HIM DO IT WITHOUT CONSEQUENCE

Vi is not as much as an activist as you would like to believe

WHY IS EKKO NEVER EVER BROUGHT UP IN THESE CONVERSATIONS????

Silco was not good for the Undercity

Silco was not a great guy. Ekko had to build an entire separate hidden community for the people he hurt and stepped on for his own benefit

Caitlyn is ignorant and naive. That’s ok. That’s what character development is for.

Loving imperfect characters like Silco and Jinx then hating characters like Vi and Caitlyn is peak media illiteracy to me

FOR THE LAST TIME: VI DIDNT ABANDON POWDER!!!!! Silco literally wanted Vi DEAD for trying to stop him from killing Vander??? How could you possibly say silco was there for jinx when Vi refused to be???? SHE WAS IN PRISON BECAUSE OF HIM???

Silco’s manipulation is working wonders on y’all

Embracing all the outrage without at all looking out for the people harmed by bigotry is not activism

SILCO IS A CLASS TRAITOR x929282929394

Caitlyn was the first person in years to show Vi kindness and care. She listened and stuck by her and took care of her after Vi was locked up for years and beat up by cops (i wonder what led her to be thrown in there?). Cait being a cop stopped being a point of contention once Vi recognized her naivety and genuineness.

NUANCE NUANCE NUANCE. ITS NEVER EVER BLACK AND WHITE

The only way I can see Vi touching ‘class traitor’ in season one was the shimmer raid. Guess who the hell put those kids in there in the first place.

Just hanging out with Caitlyn isn’t being a class traitor if Vander’s allowed to be friends with Grayson.

Critical thinking is very necessary for watching shows like Arcane

What the hell did Silco really do for the Undercity???? What changed over the 7(ish) years he was basically in power of the place? All I’ve heard was he made the air cleaner, which would be great except for, you know, shimmer and the child factory workers

Jinx is unwell and feeding into it like this in a fully serious manor would not help Arcane as a show at all

What do you want Arcane’s message as a full show to be? ‘Screw cops’? That’s a little boring and unproductive isn’t it?

CAN WE TALK ABOUT EKKO AND HIS IMPACT PLEASE???? x9382728283

Caitlyn is trying to make Piltover and Zaun a better place. Is that not allowed? Am I missing something?

Caitlyn and Vi’s arcs have only just started. Season one is basically fully set up except for characters like silco and Jinx. This is far from the end.

Genuinely think Vander would appreciate Vi for being friends (using this term loosely because they are in love) with Caitlyn considering he was the one who was opposed to war and Vi wasn’t.

Silco should NOT be your idea of Undercity independence and respect. He oppressed the Undercity the same way the Council and the Enforcers did. He helped no one but himself, his team (barely) and Jinx.

You’re allowed to like and dislike any character you want but pretending like Silco is better for the Undercity than others is just so ridiculous to me. Everyone is of course completely allowed to like Silco, but we can’t pretend like he’s this stand up guy. If you have to pretend like he was, maybe you don’t like him as much as you think.

“Because Cait’s pretty” is also incredibly incorrect. Go check point #14.

Vi never stopped loving and caring for Powder. Powder’s mental health issues were amplified and utilized by Silco because he couldn’t even heal himself.

If all of your opinions of Caitlyn and Vi start and end with “cops suck” and “class traitor” then you genuinely don’t respect Arcane as a show enough to show you nuance.

The misinterpretation of characters is just so … it’s like you go out of your way to love and/or hate characters no matter how much they show you who you are.

Your closed mindedness is clouding your judgement and making you out to seem like you don’t actually want the Undercity’s triumph, you want Silco and Jinx’s, even if it means ruining the Undercity. And that would be fine because father/daughter evil duo but trying to say you’re all for this duo because you want what’s better for the Undercity when they continue to hurt it is simply not correct and very harmful (to fictional characters in a fictional universe 😭)

Only being able to understand how Silco and Jinx were oppressed and therefore should be able to not just destroy Piltover but also Zaun is not the eat you think it is

Why is Viktor never called a class traitor? I think he's great (I also think Silco and Jinx are wonderfully written) but we hardly saw him in the Undercity/ interact with people from the Undercity plus he killed someone (Sky) from there (accidentally)

EDIT TO ADD ANOTHER POINT: Caitlyn has shown little to NO malicious intent and has no real negative impacts other than Jinx’s attachment issues and insecurities being amplified by her mere existence. Again, this is her story and development. Throughout the season she is exposed to reality and recognizes her and her peers/ families wrongs. I have no idea what you want from this character. Should Piltover just be gotten rid of in the story? Then what? Should Caitlyn have just never gotten involved and continued to embrace her privilege? Should she have left Vi in prison and stay ignorant?

#arcane #arcane league of legends #arcane netflix #point number 32 sums it all up I think #i blocked most of the people who added and made the post so they wont see this lol #i might be overreacting or misinterpreting #maybe i didnt watch the show right #or maybe i did and some of these people are bad at this #some points are most definitely redundant #and im open to people disagreeing.... respectively lol maybe dont wish death on a character and ill hear you out #again i wouldnt dislike silco as much if he wasnt put on a pedestal by people who swear theyre all for the undercity #i wrote this kind of in anger so like sorry about that lol #anti silco #<- for tagging purposes if this is too silco critical for the people who like him #to slay or not to slay #caitvi #this is the second repost because the first two didn’t show up in the tags cuz I messed with my settings 😭😭😭

[waywardsalt]

mmmmmm two sketchbook linebecks im pretty happy with

#as much as i love his coat it is very hard to draw. so no coat. or. shirt #my art #loz #legend of zelda #phantom hourglass #linebeck #tossing in my own rendition of shirtless linebeck. woe underweight linebeck be upon ye #i find that i draw heads too small. i have learned that #SERIOUSLY what the fuck happened i dont. im not an artist but these turned out so well and then what i drew after wasnt this good #did some like. artistic spirit pass through me long enough for me to draw these or something #his hair is a fucking mess but its fun that way #like the thing is these are good! thats not what i think linebeck’s face looks like tho #tbh in general he’s fucked he’s so difficult to draw. i have no idea how these two turned out do well but they did #the vibes are off and i am not skilled enough to fix it #but im happy with these #linebeck is doing so fucking bad in ph i bet. he doesnt notice the curse of the ocean king temple at first bc hes used to feeling godawful #that side profile looks GOOD i wish it looked more like how i imagine linebeck to look but it gets the idea down #SHOUTOUT TO VIKTOR ARCANE FOR BEING A REALLY GOOD FACE SHAPE REFERENCE FOR LINEBECK #second pic is a redemption. i have an older shirtless linebeck pic that i used myself as body reference for but it didnt turn out well #hence the viktor shoutout. in the first pic i fucked up his face but this time used viktor as reference and it worked

[wetbananapeel]

First gourd (and radish) I carved in my life 31 October 2019

#the drawing I class i was in in undergrad had a pumpkin carving day that year #i decided to be rebellious and buy a pumpkin to carve for the first time but when i went to the store there were no more pumpkins :') #so i got a gourd and a little skeleton for inside caude i wanted a scene #it was the first time i had carved anything for Halloween ever and i remember feeling so sinful at the time #there was this one person Maddie who was also giving tarot card readings and they were one of my major events(?) to realize i was gay #i didnt get a reading from them cause i was scared that was going too far and I would be too far gone messing with the 'occult' #and they made me nervous but i wanted more and couldnt figure out why (i chalked it up to them being 'cool' and wanting to be their friend) #anyways maddie gave me the radish cause they also didnt bring a pumpkin and had two radishes (cause they were buy 1 get 1) from Winn Dixie #i still think about maddie now and we talk sporadically i told them if they're ever in Chicago to come and visit me but they live in Canada #their art inspires me and i believe they could design a fantasy game or novel because of their work (i own a weird little dog of theirs) #i never mentioned anything to them at the time about being infatuated with them in class and i doubt i would now bc our life goals dont mesh #but i consider them to play a important role in my life and i appreciated the radish and wish i got the readings done #its wild how much growth can happen in just a few years -- i bought a mini pumpkin in September because i wanted to celebrate early #back then when i got home the gourd and radish was forcibly thrown away (and i didn't dare tell of my encounters in class with the lesbian!) #(i hold that memory in my heart & think of it fondly cause i hadnt realized yet i have much compassion for younger me who was never sinful) #now in grad school there is a new Maddie 🍈 who told me she didnt know why she keeps looking at my face in class and i think i know why #but she has yet to get there <3

[real-life-cloud]

:(

#the sky speaks #vent time!! #tw suicidal ideation #i wish i could just hate my mother it would be so much easier #but shes trying so hard and in so much pain #but shes so TIRING to be around !!!! #she got in a wreck this evening. she was drinking and driving around to all of people who don't talk to her anymore #shes getting a dui i guess? #and this is just one thing in a looooong list of shit shes pulled #ive heard her scream and sob so much today. but now shes also saying she wants to die. over n over #full on existential crisis. she feels no purpose and is so lonely #she left this morning to go shopping tyen just never came home. my dad asked me to call her and she answered and just said #i can't. im sorry. and hung up on me. then she turned off her phone and we didnt know where she was for a half hour #and i was so fucjing worried that shed killed herswlf or somthing i couldnr even remember rhe last thing i said to her? #i hugged her for so long when we finally got home #but im just so tired of loving her #shes still down there crying but i cqnt listen tk her anymore. my head is pounding. i wanna sob. i never wanna cry again. #i kinda wanna die too but i feel like i cant tell anyone really. moms such a mess how could i possibly put these feelings onto dad or thomas #and not mom. god. shes thw reason i feel like that. evwry time. im so tired of her falling apart that id rather not be here. #if i had just sucked up being on my period and went shopping with her today this wouldn't have happened. but that shoyldnr be how it is!!!!! #im allowed ro stay home!!! i shouldnr have to babysit her!! but ive felt like i was HER mother aince i was 17 #im just so tired

[echo-s-land]

Someone told me that he 'like hanging around with me' and he 'love my smile' today

#years after my birth im finally finding out the genuine joy of making friends #also relief. ive got so used for my mere existence to be an annoyance to other people as a child so its so important to me when people say #they like to have me around #had to turn down a very big socialization opportunity bc i was hungry and i couldnt come with him - will try to make up for it next time #what he said was totally platonic btw hes gay and im not a man #he also told me 'when i first met you i thought you were trans' and the urge i felt to come out to him and say 'YES ACTUALLY (but also here #the nuances:') but it came out of nowhere and there were bystanders so i didnt want to risk it and just. 'honestly im not sure' was the bes #half-truth half-lie i could muster #but hey he made me comfortable with coming out to him so one day perhaps #gosh i wish im not going to mess up this newly forming friendship (?) with my little to non-existent social skills #man also has the same dumb humor as me. i have to find a way to keep him around #my mom would burst into tears if she knew how much i smile talk and am open around him. not my fault he is a person whom you naturally feel #safe around #normally people ask me if im 'angry/pissed/annoyed/sad' because i have a resting bitch face and dont talk much to anyone #the surprise people must feel once they get to know me better.. granted i cant name any but whatever lol

[todayisafridaynight]

i found two old zines i was a part of while looking for something and MAN i miss doing zine work..

#snap chats #ive actually worked onnnnnn four ? five technically OH NO SIX #but i only have physical copies of two: i couldnt afford physicals of the other three at the time #aaaand the last zine uhhh i havent really heard much from for some time now in terms of putting everything together #i cant remember if there was a deadline set but ive just been holding onto my finished drawing for a while #i think it was only meant to be a digital one tho but regardless #in any case... i miss zines-- #THEY NEVER WENT ANYWHERE I JUST. havent really seen any advertised. and im too fucked to find any apparently ☠️ #there was that kazumaj| zine and i ALMOST tried to join it just to get my foot in the door with the rgg community #but then i realized whatever i drew probably wouldnt have as much passion behind it compared to someone else yk what i mean #like i love kiryu and i really loved majima in y0 but im p indifferent bout them together so i didnt want to risk getting a spot #i wish there was a mineda| zine or somethin i feel like thatd be one id like to be a part of #i could always start one but ive never organized a zine and i wouldnt know the first thing about it #i woludnt want to mess up and cause a big ol mess #idk.. maybe i just really want to make that doujin i keep dreaming about LMAO i wanna hold my art in book form again #maybe one day.. for now back to work Bye

[heartoftheancientsea]

I got my septum pierced today and I’m in loveee 😍 the gold jewelry is beautiful on me! I’ve wanted this piercing for so many years, my inner teenager is so happy right now

#I just flipped it up tho because I don’t think I can wear it to work and its probably better if I heal it that way and don’t mess with it :( #its so sad because I love it so much #it bled when I flipped it so I think its best to just leave it for at least a week before trying to flip it back #it took some effort to even get it to flip because the jewelry is a little longer than the bottom of my nostrils #so thats probably why it bled #and why I should leave it alone #but!!! I wish I didnt have to #dumbass office environment sucks #why do offices have to be so soulless and boring

[midnapanda]

Oughhhhh i like making color palettes within a limited color range...... especially pinks...

#i did this with that demon totty piece from years ago #and im doing the same thing again with a sketch i did a couple days ago #its fun ;w; #i just wish i didnt care so much about redoing lineart when i mess up the original sketch #i did this one with pen so i kinda Have to fix it in post 😔 #n rambles

[kawaiianimeredhead]

Tried to make heart shaped peppermint patties for a work party tomorrow. Made a decent mess of the kitchen but they have been made

#not pictured here tjo because i got so tired #i didnt use a decent amoutn of the inside dough like part #because i got tired of cutting them #used the recipe b dylan hollis used in his tiktok #i didnt eat a full one but i ate the inside part when i had the extra dough and i ate some of the chocolate when i made a mess of it #and they were good so fingers crossed altogether its good #got a cute heart shaped place im gonna try to set them up in tomorrow before i bring tjem #wish i had little tongs so people can pjck them ip easier #but that is currently not my problem #my feet hurt and i shoukd sleep because i have work in the morning #but i consumed a decent amount of sugar and in general am sorta anxious #and also unsatisfied because i was playing a video game and kept stepping away for other things #so not only did i not play as much as i wanted nick has gotten ahead in it with a lot of the gear so i feel like i missed out #dont mind me #tag rambles #theres a noise in my bathroom ish area thar sounds like a drip sort of sound onto like plastic maybe #and its really annoying because the immediate place i tjought it wad coming from its not #so its either in the walls or its on the other side in halies room but i have no way to really know because i dont wanna investigate atm #but i do now have to listen to it until i fall asleep

[simonstamenovic]

genuinely very very happy about maya still Do Not get me wrong. I simply wish... the world was better and less cruel. and that I was not complicit in that cruelty. and that honorspren in shadesmar werent such hypocrites.

#outgoing transmission #adolin post #the desire to have everything be good forever and be told by some almighty being that #actually you didnt mske anything mistakes and did the best you can and were good vs like #how... not hollow. but. that is also not true i messed up so very much and do have to wonder if my existence was Not worth it #disregarding the fact that... well. it is a story someone wrote and yes obviously I needed to be there. #but. as a person? mmh. craving not necessarily reassurance but Being Sure i didn't make awful decisions to make things worse. and i simply #cannot know that. not at the moment and potentially not with any certainty ever #which is no different from anyone elses life really. but there is a certain agony to it #i dont know. i love kal. i dont have many memories yet of. well. but #id like to think he loves me. coming face to face with that however is... well why would he? #he is. well i feel anything i say wouldnt really encapsulate it to be honest i could worship that man and i mean that so sincerely #he... would not like it. but it isnt...... well hes a better man than me but not because i think hes flawless or anything #just. he tries so very hard. i didnt even have it in me to not murder someone despite how risky it was #for the best. and i wish id done it sooner still. but i do also think it says a good deal about my character in general #sorry again about this i hope everyone is well. #it is too bright out now honestly which is kind of funny. half comforting. half annoying. a small part... some other thing. weird i suppose #brain is. mm. partially shadesmar. partially... something else. stormy. near kal. tense but not necessarily in a danger way. #but something... stuck a bit maybe. not sure if it is a natural thing or more a. spren parent trap situation. for lack of any better terms. #cute and mildly obnoxious... hm. something to consider.

[quaranmine]

literally i am so sick of acne set me free from this hell already please why do i have to live in constant pain

#i feel like it's unfair that i didnt even get it til i was 18 #like hello i am ADULT now why did i just get it then and not when i was in middle school or high school??? #anyway fortunately my face is normally clear IT'S JUST MY BACK. IS SO AWFUL. AND IT ALWAYS HURTS #i get it so regularly where even just fabric touching it hurts :(((( and it's near constant #i need to go to the dermatologist again #idk why they stopped refilling my meds....they gave me meds for it. it didnt stop it but it helped #anyway guess who cant use accutane or anything like that cause she has IBD???? me. #anyway i do often breakout around my mouth/chin #but i believe that is from my pillow case so i try to change the case every other day #which i havent done lately so that's on me tbh #it also doesnt help with my imposter syndrom re:work because whenever i do have visible acne i feel sooooooo much younger than my coworkers #this is all in my head but i feel like people might take me less seriously if i have acne on my face since it makes me look even younger #anyway. i have sort of accepted my fate that my back and shoulders are all scarred and messed up now #so i try not to dwell on it when it comes to bathing suits or other things that would show it #cause if i dwell on it it might make me subconscious but if i DONT think about it then i am fine and not insecure LOL #i just wish it would stop hurting.......

[pizzapizzadickz]

I've been popping pills like they're candy lately. (Also known as I've been in pain a lot and my allergies are horrible bc of all the mold in my room).

#diary #personal #on another note entirely that i didnt want to put it in the main thing. i feel so. different from what ppl know me as sometimes #like. i may talk to you. and you may think you know me. but do you really? ive been thinking. if ppl met me would they even like me? #like. when i have meltdowns or sensory overload or just need time to chill n stim. or just lay down n nap #like. idk if others could tollerate that of me. if i met someone irl and arent heavily masking my personality you can tell im strange #fuck. just today i spent like 5-10 mins just. tapping on my collarbones hard bc it feels nice feeling ur bones vibrate #idk. like. honeslty i cant even put it into words and speaking itself is so ineffective tbh. #it just really sucks tho. cuz i mask so much of myself so much of the time. i mask the pain. i mask my happiness. #heck i even mask everything inbetween. #honestly i sorta just dont believe anyone would like me if i acted how i want to. like. i am very autistic natually. VERY AUTISTIC #i just hide all of that for everyones comfort and it makes things activly less enjoyable for me. #idk. i just. want to go out. cling to someone i care about and make them guide me. wear noise cancelling headphones everywhere #i rly just want to never go anywhere loud or crowded (even tho i like trying new food n things). #i want to jump up and down when im happy. run when i feel. scream if i want. cry if i need. #id like it if someone saw me meltdown or shutdown they wouldnt freak out. #id like to be able to mess up things in social situations and it wouldnt matter. i just wouldnt worry about if id still have a friend. #id like to be able to be heard when i say no i cant have/do that. i really wish that was the case even now. #i. really have just become so much more autistic the more ive focused on myself. my needs and my feelings . #like. today my dad wanted to order something that *admittedly* is the exact same thing i was gonna order. #HOWEVER THERE IS ONE KEY DIFFERENCE. IT IS NOT WHAT I PICKED OUT. so what if its different from what i want???? #i cant have that!! so i panicked a lot. and he repeatedly ignored me when i said no i dont want x food. #eventually mom stepped in and made it so i got what i wanted. #yknow? existing hurts so much. just all of the time too. i keep on coming back lately to the same thought. #over and over and over again on repeat. just. idk. its hard to explain. #i keep on thinking how itd be better if i was like replaced with someone else. if someone else was born instead of me. #like. im utterly useless. but maybe if only x sperm was born instead of me they wouldnt be like me. idk. #maybe then everyone would be happy. maybe then theyd be able to work and make my parents and everyone else happy. #theyd be able to fit in. they could lead a much better life than me. i wish i wasnt so utterly useless. #i just want a long break. its exhausting living and im not rly cut out for it. too bad i wont get one anytime soon. god i hate this.

[silouvertongues]

read everything i know about love it and kinda put me in a lil depressive mood lol ??

#heard SUUUUCH good things about it but the first half of the book was so annoying sorry ?? the entitlement the privilege god it was insane #reading about her early twenties was so.... ill never live the life of a privileged white girl who thinks she's the center of the universe #and i dont WANT to but there was something about the way she just DID things made mistakes messed up did whatever the hell she wanted to #that made me feel so weird ?? idk i dont want her particular experiences i know for a fact i wouldnt enjoy any of that #but as i read through the book and got to the therapy chapters and the maturing chapters in her later twenties i was like...thats me Now #thats been me since i was 16 maybe?? which is fine ig its good to be mature or like not a Mess #but i just . i feel like i wasted my teens or i didnt like rame advantage of being a kid or even now im 22 and i ???? idk #i leave the the house like once in two weeks i have 2 friends i see barely even once a month #im too scared to drive i dont have a job it just SOOOO SICKENING #maybe it was covid and never having that in person uni experience maybe its just my own mental illness #reading the book kinda made me wish i got more out of those years i wish i had the chance to be carefree and do whatever the hell i wanted #<- WHICH OBVIOUSLY is something not everyone gets to do anyway i could feel the privilege dripping from those pages but still idk #generally feel like ive been sorta wasting away for at least a year now and reading the book just made me overthink it maybe #part of me is like well i just turned 22 maybe i have time but its like ?? i personally cant just wake up one day and decide to do whatever #ive got too much anxiety for that lol #h talks

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

On Day 4 of my No Napping streak 😊

#yall dont understand how bad my napping problem was #and im not even joking. for the last dour years i can count on two hands the amount of days i didnt nap #literally most of the last four years has been sleeping #but recently i got burnt out and slept for two days straight with like. two breaks to take care of my dog #(i have a sibling who also cares for the dog i havent been neglecting him) #and that whole mess reset my sleep schedule (i slipped into sleeping during the day and staying awake all night for a couple weeks) #and made it so i dont have to nap i guess because i haven't needed to #its been super weird. i have so much more time now and its hard to fill it #one day i went to the coffee shop and walgreens and the coinstar machine. and did laundry and other tidying #yesterday and today ive cooked whole meals. yesterday it was tortellini and broccoli and garlic bread #like idk how to explain it but thats so out of character for me #literally every day of my life for the last four years has been wake up. to go to work. stay up all night maybe. sleep until work #but now im... getting better i think? it seems better #i have an hour before i have to get ready for work (going in early because theres a bar crawl today and the other concierge wants help) #so im debating between playing on my phone in bed and enjoying the fresh air and sunlight coming from my window #or doing some cleaning and packing. i kind of want to do this because yesterday i had a nightmare that it was moving day and i wasnt ready #it was terrifying. so yeah ill probs get in some cleaning #wish me luck tonight! its saturday (busiest day of the week) and a bar crawl (the literal worst)

[piplupod]

i remember what i was panicky about and man i wish i didnt gjfkfl

#if the dentists missed this cavity then what others did they miss. are there more?? am i going to be out thousands of dollars??? #i have no fucking clue if theres more cavities bc they didnt check while I was in there bc they were just focused on this one #that one tumblr post rly wasnt messing around when they said to keep up w dental hygiene no matter how much u want to doe #die* #it rly is fucking awful. goddamn. it rly does make ur life so much worse #idk if i can deal w having more. i wish i knew if i had more rn. but i ... dont know when i will make another appt #god i feel so fucking sick #if i have a bunch more then i think i have to just off myself early. i dont think i can handle that fnfkdl #what a fucking pathetic reason to off urself earlier than u planned to. but damn. this is a fucking nightmare for me #i feel so fucking sick #i dont want to deal with this !!! i dont want to be here !!! how many more cavities do i have rn !!!! #idk why they didnt check !!!! they already missed this one and its cost me $200+ so why wouldnt they check for more!!! #i wish i could just kill myself now but i have to wait at least until like.. end of january so i dont ruin the holiday for everyone #also i dont rly want to die fjfjdl I'd like to hang out until my savings run out #but i just. i cant deal with this. idk. this is so fucking terrifying for me. idk why im so pathetic abt dentist stuff #pippen needs 2nd breakfast #suicide tw

[caruliaa]

i dont know how three years could be over in a week i dont know i dont know i dont know i dont know how that could happen i dont know how i could let it. all i know is id do anything to get it back

#whatever man. it just hurts everything just hurts it always hurts #everythings changing and its awful but i always thought i could rely on them #and its not their fault if i cant right now but the fact that they wont even let themselves rely on me after i offer it #its just. i wish this world didnt have to involve so much loss abd pain #three years is so long but it doesnt feel long enough #im going to have to live through 20 three years in my lifetime. more maybe #all of it just feels so bleak now. like idk how im going to get through all of that. idk #im just. im always too much to deal with i always become too much. it just hurts more when you become too much after three years #of thinking you knew someone who despite all your worries you where never too much for #i hate it. i hate it i dont know what to do #and it was so easy to talk with them they where so understanding and kind and good to me #and just. we could have conversations so easily and talk about anything it was like something just fit #you dont know how hard that is to find as this messed up autistic kid with sm damage #and now im scared ill never find it again #and theres just this. huge gap in my life where that used to be. and i dont know what to do about it #i dont know when ill ever not just feel this big emptiness . i think it might be there for life #flappy rambles