#i spend a LOT of time listening to music and hyper analyze the meanings for each oc of mine hehe ✨😌

[thoughts-on-bangtan]

Can you imagine losing interest in BTS and their music ever? I've seen it's a hot topic on Twitter, how some fans just lost connection and how others put it as "exiting the magic shop". I don't understand. I spent my teens listening to the Beatles, Incubus and now that I'm 30's I still love them. I suppose it could happen but I just dont like it when people say they lost interest bec BTS has already healed them. Like, you can heal and listen to them at the same time right? Your thoughts guys?

First of all, thank you for this ask because this is such an interesting topic.

Secondly, I'm fairly sure this whole thing about "being healed from BTS", as in stopping being ARMY/stanning BTS was started by "ex-ARMYs" (or people cosplaying as such) on either twt or t*kt*k (or both) as a way to feed into the narrative of how you can only possibly like Bangtan while you're "sick" but eventually you get "healed" and move on to other artists, specifically other K-Pop groups. It's also occasionally used by people who stopped "stanning" BTS to make themselves look better in the eyes of kpoppies (or suck up to them) and to get hit twts. A quick twt search showed me a twt where someone spoke about how now that they've "left the Magic Shop" they're able to "love other people" and have found themselves in (Other Group’s fandom name)-land. As in Bangtan healed them so now they can listen to/stan “better” groups.

Do I think there are also genuine people among them who credit BTS for helping them heal before moving on? Probably, but I find the phrasing and way of thinking rather weird and also something that plays into the stereotype that liking a "boy band" is just a phase that you grow out of and then move on to "real music". 

Are there people who genuinely "lost" whatever connection they felt or interested they had in BTS? Probably, though sometimes I feel like people misinterpret twts where people talk about leaving ARMY twt/their sns stan accounts as them stopping being a fan which is false. Being a fan of a musician is more than just posting on your stan account, right? There are plenty of people who are ARMY yet don't engage in fandom sns.

Now circling over to your question about if we/I can imagine basically falling out of love with an artist (BTS) and, well, personally I think it depends on certain factors. Just like you in my early teens I used to listen to a band called HIM, a little later to a band called Placebo, and to this day, if someone asks me who my favorite rock band is, I still name both of them without hesitation despite not actively listening to them anymore the way I do with Bangtan, as example. Yet it doesn't change the fact that I still love their music and check out what Placebo are up to from time to time. 

I think there are certain bands and artists whose music simply does something for us, this specific something that makes us connect to them in a deeper sense, in one that makes their music and artistry stick with us even far down the line when we might not listen to them daily anymore, might not check their sns every day anymore, or even at all. At this point I'm pretty sure BTS are exactly that for me as well. I can imagine that perhaps one day I might not be as invested (invested in the sense of having a stan account and blogging about them) anymore as I am now, because that's natural, but I doubt I'll ever go as far as saying "I've lost interested" or "been healed from being ARMY" or whatever else some say.

So, when I said it depends on different factors if you'll ever fall out of love/loose interest, what did I mean by that? I think a major deciding factor is why you became ARMY/a fan in the first place and what it is that keeps you interested in them.

More below the cut:

If you became a fan because you’re into shipping and your main focus is your ship and nothing else, honestly, I doubt you’ll stick around all that long. And I say that as a vminnie and namjinist myself. I imagine, if the only thing about Bangtan I would care about would be those two pairings and I would spend all my time hunting for clues and looking at gifs/pictures and discussing them and nothing else, their music only being of interest to me if I could make it about my ship? I’ll be honest, I would probably lose interest in less than a year because you can’t possibly remain invested in two people, their lives, “relationship clues” and ship fights with others for years without basically getting tired of it.

Also when I say just focusing on a ship, I literally mean just the ship aspect, not even the artistry those two people have, like their music etc, but just the bond they have and nothing else. And yes, there definitely are people like this. I’ve seen Xkookers only care about (insert song here) because they thought it was about their ship but once they realized it isn’t, they never brought up the song again, and never spoke about the song itself at all. And I don’t want to just point my finger at them, there are also people who ship other pairings who act this way as well, definitely.

At the end of the day, eventually you’ll have analyzed all there was to be analyzed, discussed every aspect and detail, seen every moment and taken it apart, and will have had every fight you could have, and then...what? There’s only so much “content” and “entertainment” you can get out of someone else’s life and bond and that’ll only be able to keep you interested for so long...and then what?

But if you got interested in Bangtan due to their music first and that is your primary focus while them as people is more of a nice “extra”, that’s “sustainable”, for a lack of better words. They release lots of music every year, have a huge discography along with side/solo projects, their lyrics are so layered and you can find so much in them, immerse yourself in their artistry. Their music can become your companion, basically. There are so many ARMY that have songs and albums that mean the world to them, that helped them heal or love themselves, that they keep coming back to, that engage in discussions about their music, old and new, and who find boundless joy in all of it while also adoring the members themselves.

If you got into them for their personalities while thinking their music is just okay, an all right extra, but you love their bonds and shows like RUN or Bon Voyage, I could imagine that being some kind of middle group but then again, why stan musicians whose music you only find okay? Would you be a fan of an actor whose personality you like but find the movies they are in and their acting ability mediocre/okay?

I’ve been around for a long time and the way I think that’s possible, and why I think I will remain ARMY for years to come as well, is because I genuinely love their music, love spending time listening to it, reading about it, talking to others about it, but also because I adore the members, their personalities and who they are, their bonds, their variety show type content and vlives, and I adore vmin and namjin. While I love talking about vmin/namjin, if I had to just focus on that (as in the ‘ship’ aspect of their bonds) all the time, I’d get exhausted and/or reach a point where everything that could be said would be said, but because I also spend a lot of time with OT7 content and in non-shipper ARMY spaces, with their music, their other content, reading their interviews and everything else, it’s a “sustainable” way to be ARMY. And I’ve seen and spoken to other ARMYs who have been around far longer than me, some even having been around since the very beginning, even before their debut, and that's how they’ve remained ARMY since, because it was this package deal that they fall in love with, the fact that they spend their time engaging in different fandom discussions and activities, instead of hyper focusing on a certain part of it exclusively, like shipping.

Of course, if you fell in love with the package deal in your twenties while in a dark place but then reached your thirties and, with the help of their music (side note: while Namjoon (inspired by Seokjin) told us to use BTS to be happy, don’t put the “responsibility” of healing you/helping you heal solely on an artist, since that’s not fair or healthy, rather if you really need help/assistance/someone to talk to, please reach out to someone, friends or family, or a professional if you can) and other (outside) factors, reached a better place and don’t feel as connected to them anymore as you did before, it’s possible you might “unstan”, but that doesn’t have to mean you’ll move away from their music completely, that you’ll make a clean cut and never look back. Especially if they helped you, chances are they will always remain with you one way or another for a long time. At the same time, I guess it’s only natural that sometimes our interests and tastes change and the band you used to love might just not “do it” anymore for you. It’s human. There are bands I used to love as teen but don’t care about anymore nowadays because their music isn’t my taste anymore, I don’t connect with it the way I used to etc. Does something like that make you a fake fan? No, it just, well, makes you human. Though, like I said, at this point I don’t foresee that happening for me with Bangtan and there are a lot, and I mean a lot, of others who will tell you the same thing. We’re in this Bangtan sh*t for life, purple blooded. Even Namjoon joked about how once you get into Bangtan there is no exit anymore. Or that no jammer joke about how once you JimIN you never JimOut.

Lastly there’s also a whole conversation to be had of what will happen once the members start enlisting, or once the daily content turns into monthly, bi-monthly, every half year and eventually only sporadicly spread out throughout the year, when their music will be all that we’ll get instead of music + additional content like sns posts or RUN. What will happen when that day comes? Shippers and those interested in their personalities will stop “being fed” and eventually their interest will dwindle away. Those who need to constantly be engaged with and fed to remain interested will likely dwindle away and move on to other content/musicians that’ll keep them fed with new things on a regular. And those who are into their music, or the package deal, they’ll likely still be fans, still love their music and come back and be active when new releases come, still occasionally return to content like watching concerts or old RUN episodes, but even they won’t stick around the same way we all do right now. This isn’t to say that when that day comes we’ll find out who “the real fans are”, because the question of what a real fan is, is a whole other discussion to be had, but rather it’ll be a natural, normal part of fandom, of a musicians career, of a human cycle.

Take AC/DC as example, after so many decades they still have fans that show up when they release a new album, but I doubt those fans have active stan accounts and engage in daily fandom stuff the way you do with a constantly active/present artist like BTS etc. And I can imagine that’ll be Bangtan and ARMY much later down the line as well.

To sum it all up, I don’t think there is a black or white answer, merely a gray one.

#BTS #discussion on loving an artist #answered ask #bangtan sonyeondan

[azuls-octobussy]

If the shipping game is still open, I'd love to participate!

(No-no characters: the freshmen lol. They're too baby for me)

I'm 5'4 and genderfluid, but I'm AFAB. I love dying my hair bright colors, and no one (including me) knows which color is next. My thighs could crush a man's head, and I'm far more heavy and muscular than my soft, smooth skin would tell you.

Personality wise, I'm an INTJ-T, meaning I love to hyper analyze things, but in social situations I'm happy to go with the flow. If I'm with people I like, I'm happy to do just about anything just about anywhere. I love people who go out of their way to spend time with me. My partners have told me "when I first met you, I thought you were weird. I still think you're weird, but that's one of the things I love about you." I also tend to give random fun facts about niche things with no prompting and no connection to the conversation we were having. I'm also quite protective over my loved ones and if they need something or are having a bad day, I will do everything in my power to make them feel more comfortable and better, and no one can stop me when I'm like this.

I love to make things, be it art, music, sculptures, or writing. I'm always making something new and I love to share it with people. I also love playing videogames, especially next to/with someone. There are actually some games I can't play alone, like Minecraft. I love to consentually fight/spar as well, but no one ever wants to with me because of how small I am, they don't believe me when I say that they won't hurt me. I also love listening to music, and I listen to all types of music.

I hate it when people wake me up without me asking them to, and I also hate it when people tell me to do something that I was already going to go do.

I'm autistic with tactile, vestibular, and proprioceptive hyposensitivity, which usually manifests in me forgetting to eat, walking into walls, LOVING my weighted blanket, spinning around in circles, almost always craving physical affection, and doing ballet in the kitchen.

As far as sexuality, I'm cool with pretty much anything. You want vanilla? Cool. You want to tie me up and fuck me until I can't walk straight? Cool. You wanna do it in a public place while you're holding my hands and soft domming me? Please do. My only big nos in the bedroom are anything unsanitary (ass to mouth, scat, things like that) and hard degradation. Beyond that I'm fine with about anything.

So *grabby hands* who do I get?

Yeah, I don’t see why not.

Hmmm. I’m feeling Lilia Vanrouge for you. World’s best bat dad is down for the hair colors! I mean have you seen his?

Swapping fun facts, holding hands, just sitting together doing your own things. You know he’s hella supportive of all your interests!

As for naughty things, Lilia isn’t a vanilla guy, but he’s down for some tender love-making. And lots of cuddly aftercare with snacks!

I hope you want a loving, supporting relationship with an adorable little imp, cause that’s who I ship you with lol

#disney's twisted wonderland #disney twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland #twst #shipping game #Lilia Vanrouge #twst lilia

[thewriterofmanythings]

And They Were Roommates

Day 5 of Widojest Week-There’s only one bed, or Alternate Universe

Nott and Yeza's apartment is undergoing renovations, and the cute foreign grad student Jester has been crushing on needs a place to stay. What could go wrong? Super happy with this fic. You can also read it on AO3. As usual big shoutout to @3fling for all the love and support, especially this time because I wouldn’t even have a plot for this otherwise!

Working at the local coffee shop had a lot of benefits. Free coffee of course, free pastries at the end of the night, listening to whatever music the employees wanted, and the flexible hours that worked with her school schedule.

The cute redhead grad student that came in everyday was definitely a plus too.

Jester had been working at Cool Beans for four years and had seen all manner of people come through the door. As a college town it wasn’t a surprise; people came from all over and stayed a few months to a few years while they studied. Some of those people stayed but most left to go back to wherever they came from or even off to new places. Jester herself dreamed of leaving one day, venturing out into the world and discovering what was out there. But for now she was here, working towards an art degree and making the best of her situation.

The redheaded grad student was a foreigner from Germany. He spoke excellent English though his accent was a bit tough to understand at times, especially if he ever got frustrated. His name was Caleb and he had come all the way from his home country to join one of the world’s best linguistics programs. He came in every day at exactly one p.m., ordered a sandwich and an americano with an extra shot of espresso, and sat down to study for two hours before neatly cleaning his table and heading out.

Jester enjoyed people watching, trying to analyze people from the way they walk, the things they did, how they interacted with other people. Even before she had a full conversation with Caleb she noticed he was quiet, polite, and had a dry sense of humor. His wardrobe was full of earthy tones, lots of boots and plain button up shirts, adding in jackets, scarves and hats when the weather began to turn cold. On the rare occasion he came in when it didn’t seem he was studying he still carried a simple black leather notebook. He often pulled the top part of his shoulder length hair into a sort of bun, exposing the pen he regularly kept behind his right ear. Ink marks and scratches along his hand indicated he did a lot of writing and, Jester would guess, he owned a cat.

Of course, it wasn’t all just staring from a distance. Jester had begun to build a friendship with Caleb thanks to a strange change of relationships. Most often at the shop Jester shared her shift with Clay and Molly; the three of them made a trifecta of hair colors and piercings that gave the warm shop an unexpected punk vibe. Clay was a gardener of sorts and had made friends with Yeza and Nott, the lovely couple whom Caleb was staying with during his time in the States. Molly was in a band with two women named Beau and Yasha and the group usually played in a newer dive bar downtown on Saturday nights. Jester and Clay went every week to support their friend, and one day while picking up a new plant Clay had told Yeza about the shows. Knowing it was unhealthy for Caleb to spend all his time in the house studying, Nott and Yeza had immediately booked a recurring sitter for their young son and dragged Caleb down to the bar to hang out with others. The eight of them had begun to get closer, but Jester still found it difficult at times to put herself out there and really engage with Caleb.

Today however was Jester’s lucky day.

“Caleb!” The small bell chimed through the coffee shop as Nott slipped in, shutting the door quickly to keep the cold wind from freezing the customers out. The woman was on the shorter side but no one ever noticed because her personality more than made up for it. Her sense of humor among the friend group was unrivaled and she could easily drink them all under the table.

“Ya Nott, is everything all right?” Caleb looked up from his laptop where he had been hyper focused on a paper. His brow was furrowed with a mix of worry and confusion.

Jester busied herself with straightening the pastry display, which was conveniently close to Caleb’s table. She could be particularly nosy at times due to her curious nature, but now she mostly wanted to make sure everything was okay with Nott’s family.

“I’m all right Caleb, but I’m afraid I do have some bad news. The renovation plans have been moved up by two whole weeks!”

“Oh, that means…” Caleb’s voice trailed off, his face turning into a frown.

“Yeah exactly! Yeza’s mom said she can take Luke, and we have another friend we can stay with, but she only has one extra room.”

“I see. So I suppose I will need to find a place to stay in the meantime since Clay will not be back until the end of the month.”

“I’m really sorry about that Caleb! I’ll help you look, surely we can find something soon. Maybe you can stay with Beau or something?”

“He can stay with me!”

Jester fought the urge to clasp her hands over her mouth. Wow, smooth move Jester. Inviting your little crush to live with you? There’s no way this is gonna go well, she thought to herself. She hadn’t even stopped to consider the ramifications of what she had volunteered for.

Something glinted behind Nott’s eyes and she nodded her head frantically. “Yes! Yes that would be perfect! You’re just the best Jester.”

“Oh, I… I would hate to impose, Jester, that’s very kind of you…” Caleb stuttered, his hands nervously fidgeting with his scarf.

“I think it sounds like the perfect plan.” Molly emerged from the back room where he had apparently been listening to the whole conversation. “Jessie might bring you out of your shell, Mr. Caleb, and Jester, well…. You could learn some tidiness habits perhaps.”

What a wingman, Jester thought, rolling her eyes at her purple-haired friend. He smirked, twirling around and walking to the register to help another customer who had walked in.

“Don’t you have a dog? I do not know if my cat would like that.”

“Oh that’s okay! Nugget doesn’t mind cats, he won’t bother Frumpkin!” Jester smiled at Caleb, trying her hardest not to blush.

“Well, I suppose it would be the best offer I could get on such sort notice.”

Nott beamed at the two of them. “Sounds like it’s settled then! I’ll help you pack up Caleb and we’ll be right over!”

***

“Soooo, this is my apartment. It’s nothing crazy you know, but it’s nice and has a good view and a lot of spaaace….”

Jester could feel herself beginning to ramble as she opened the door to her studio apartment. It was extremely nice for college student standards; her mother wanted her to be comfortable so she paid for Jester’s rent, but she also wanted her daughter to learn the value of hard work, meaning Jester was responsible for her own tuition and school supplies, as well as any other necessities. All things considered it was a pretty nice arrangement.

The living room was a nice open space with a gorgeous window overlooking downtown. The kitchen and living room were decorating in bright colors with unique art sculptures spaced around. In the center of the open area close to the window sat a large easel displaying a half finished painting. A number of half-dead attempts at plant keeping were littered about the area as well.

“You have a very nice place, Jester.” Caleb was huffing a bit as he carried in a large box of his belongings. Jester herself had Frumpkin’s cat carrier and a bag of cat supplies. There was still a fair amount of stuff to bring in but this was a good start.

“So I don’t have a second room but the couch is a fold out and it’s totally comfy.” Jester sat Frumpkin’s carrier down and unlatched the door. “Here, kitty kitty kitty!”

After a second Frumpkin lazily made his way out, beginning to inspect the strange new space. The two of them watched as he began to sniff the couch, marking the edge with his scent glands.

“You are an artist?” Caleb asked, gesturing toward the easel.

“I do! I’m an art major but I don’t get to do a lot of painting stuff at my level so I like to practice it here.”

“I look forward to seeing you work.”

Jester tried not to let Caleb see her blush as she began to help him unpack. The rest of the day was spent moving boxes to make sure everything was out of Nott and Yeza’s apartment in time for the renovators to begin their work, taking only a small break for Chinese food. The conversation was timid at first, the two of them dancing around each other the way acquaintances interact at a party when their mutual friend goes to visit the bathroom. But by the end of the night the two had sunk into a comfortable rhythm. As Jester went to sleep that night, she played over the day’s event in her head, giggling every time she thought about how she had made Caleb laugh. If she didn’t have a crush before, she was certainly deep in one now.

***

“Jester, look out!”

Caleb’s frantic voice came from inside Jester’s room. It had been a week since Caleb had moved in, and Frumpkin and Nugget hadn’t gotten along as well as Jester had assured him they would. He had spent the last hour trying to coax his cat out from under her bed and it seemed like the persuasion had taken a turn for the worse.

Jester glanced over from her position at the easel. She was enjoying her Saturday morning routine of hot tea and painting, listening to Regina Spektor ring out through the apartment via her wireless speaker. Her trance like state was broken as she saw Frumpkin shoot down the hallway, followed by Nugget’s large body. The cat turned sharply, but the poor dog was caught unaware and his attempt to switch directions was nowhere near as smooth, throwing himself right into Jester’s easel. Thanks to Caleb’s warning however, she was able to stabilize the workspace, only losing a bit of her paint to the tarp underfoot in the process.

Caleb ran out, his red hair a frazzled halo around his head. He frantically darted into the kitchen, trying to corner Frumpkin around the island, but the cat was wise and jumped up onto the counter, knocking over one of Jester’s plants in the process.

Catching wind of what Caleb was trying to do, Jester ran to try to intercept him, but the cat was too fast and she ended up tripping over Nugget instead. She braced herself for a fall onto the hardwood floor, but felt hands attempt to catch her. Unfortunately in his rush to help, Caleb himself was off balance, sending both of them tumbling to the floor.

Jester felt her face redden at being so close to Caleb. She could feel his breath on her face and his eyes were just inches away from her own. Her mind scrambled to think of something to say, an apology or excuse or anything, but her brain was short-circuiting.

“Paint,” Caleb said, pulling her out of her panicked haze.

“Wh-what?”

“Sorry, you uh, you have paint on your cheek.” 

She felt Caleb’s thumb rest on her cheek, gently wiping away a fleck of color. He still lay there though, holding her in his arms, inches from her face. She knew she ought to pull herself away, get up and clear her head, but she had to admit there was no place else she would rather be. “Thank you,” she said, barely daring to whisper.

“Your freckles are quite beautiful.” Caleb spoke breathlessly, his thumb still stroking her cheek softly. His eyes seemed transfixed, glancing over every bit of Jester’s face. She could feel his heart beat underneath her hand.

It’s now or never Jester, said the voice in the back of her head, and before she realized what she was doing she had closed the distance between him. Her lips touched his, quickly and softly before backing away. “I’m sorry Caleb, I don’t know why-”

Her voice was silenced by the sudden presence of Caleb’s lips on hers. He had kissed her back, but his held intent. Something about him was hungry, as if he had been waiting for this for months and he was going to enjoy every moment of it. She moaned into his mouth as her tongue slipped into hers and she moved her hand to the back of his head, intertwining her fingers through his hair.

Caleb suddenly moved away and Jester moved after him, craving more before realizing he had something to say. “I did not know this was a perk,” he said, chuckling lightly before kissing her again.

Jester in turn pulled away, laughing as well. “Only for really special roommates.”

***

“Caleb, the rennovaters are all done! You can move back in whenever you want to!”

Nott’s voice came across loud through the phone speaker, forcing Caleb to turn the volume down. It was seven in the morning and the sun was barely beginning to peek through the window of his apartment. He looked down at the woman next to him, still asleep with her blue hair splayed out across the bedsheets.

“Thank you Nott, but I don’t think that will be necessary for now.”

“Really?”

“Ya. I think things have worked out just fine.”

#widojestweek #widojest #jester lavorre #caleb widogast #critical role

[lovemesomesurveys]

Nickname; Just Steph, really. Oh, and “Sis” by my family. How many piercings do you have, and where? 2: 1 in each earlobe. What color are your eyes? Brown. And hair? Naturally dark brown, but I dye it red. Does orange look good on you? Can you pull it off? I don’t think any color looks good on me, but anyway I do have a couple orange shirts.

What do you do when it storms and the power’s out all night? That’s never happened, but I imagine I would just read on my phone or listen to Spotify until I fell asleep. What do you do with yourself when you’re at the beach? My mom, brother, and I like to go and just relax and chill. We don’t even really talk a whole lot, we just kinda zone out. She and my brother usually are lying down with headphones in or taking a nap while tanning, and I just get lost watching the ocean crash in and out and listening to the sound it makes. I just soak it all in. I love it. Are you shy, or no? Very. Have you ever been to St. Augustine? Nope. Have you ever been to Ocala? Nope. Have you ever just been to Florida? Nope. What about Indiana? Nope. Are you nosey? I mean, sometimes I want the “tea” as the kids say about certain things lol. I’ll see a vague status or tweet or something and want to know what it’s in reference to. I’m more nosey when it comes to celebrity gossip stuff, though. Do you “pry”? Well, like with my family I might ask about something in a general way and see what they offer up themselves. If I can tell they don’t want to talk about something then I don’t push it. If it’s someone I don’t know well then no, I don’t ask about it. I am guilty of trying to piece it together myself based on other tweets/statuses when possible, though... :x Why does everyone hate Justin Bieber so much? He did some stupid, douchey things in the past, but it seems he’s grown up now and living the married life. What’s your favorite commercial? I don’t care much for commercials. Do you find me annoying, yet? No. Who has the prettiest eyes you’ve ever seen? Alexander Skarsgard. I’m also quite envious of Paris Jackson’s eyes.  When’s the last time you pulled an all-nighter? I don’t recall. I don’t think I have at all this year thus far. They used to be pretty common for me, but now I can barely stay up until like 2.  What were you doing? During my all nighters? Just watching TV and on Tumblr and/or doing surveys, mostly. Sometimes I played The Sims or colored. Purple on guys; Yes, or no? I don’t care. Do you like Boys Like Girls? I was really into them at one point. Hero/Heroine was my favorite of theirs.  Do you actually try everything on before you buy it? I never do that. I rarely have an issue with something not fitting right anyway. Do you ever actually check the price? Always. I’m not rollin’ in the deep where I can just spend willy nilly.  What’s your favorite candle scent? I really love autumnal scented ones like Bath & Body Works has. Have you ever known anyone with a dog blind in one eye? My dog, Brandie, became blind during the last 3 years of her life due to diabetes.  You do, now. Sortof. Ah. Have you ever been friends with a forgein exchanged student? I don’t think I knew any. Was it sad when they went back to… wherever they came from? Have you ever been given any sort of ring? Yes, as gifts from my parents. The last one I received was a college class ring.  Do you know anyone that works at a tattoo shop? Nope. If you HAD to get a tattoo, what would it be, and where? I’ve wanted ‘free bird’ tattooed on my inner wrist for several years.  Do you own any lockets or charm bracelets? Yeah. The last dress you were in; What’d it look like? It’s white and teal. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars? I never got into it. What’s your favorite nickname of yours? Like I said, I only have 2. What’s one of yours that you HATE? I don’t hate any of them. Maple or hazelnut flavoring? I like both. What’s your favorite Coke product? Coke. What’s the brand of your cell-phone, and the color? A coral Apple iPhone XR. What’s your favorite body-part on the opposite sex? I find that hands can be pretty attractive.  Are you now, or have you ever been, a cheerleader? Nope. Have you heard any of Eminem’s new Recovery songs? They’re not new now, but yeah. Favorite song lyrics; In general? I have too many. Watergun or water-balloon war? Water gun, I guess. I never enjoyed being hit with a water balloon. Have you ever watched Ugly Betty? I think I saw bits here and there. Would running into your ex right now be painful? It’d just be painfully awkward.  What’s the most annoying sound, ever? * Anything loud and beeping and repetitive. I also get rlly aggravated when the television is turned up too loud <<< Same! And eating sounds, like smacking, sucking, slurping.... aljfklsflsdfljks Are you typo-proned? No, but it happens sometimes. How do you feel about Lady GaGa? I like some of her songs. Are the rumors about her true? What rumors? Are you friends with any “trolls”? No. What would you get a boyfriend for his 17th birthday? I’m 30 years old, I wouldn’t be dating a 17 year old or have any idea what to suggest as a gift for one for someone else. Does your hair have a mind of it’s own? It does seem that way. It’s very annoying. Is Dane Cook really all that funny? I don’t think he is. I’m not that familiar with his comedy. Do you watch Glee? Nope. Do you ever shop at Fredflare.com? Nope. I’ve never even heard of it. Do you happen to know anyone named Matty? (Matthew or Matt will suffice) No. What’s he like? Are you always hyper? I’m never hyper. Do you know anyone that’s afraid of elevators? Not severely, but I kind of am, which sucks because I have to use them. Do you like country music? Yeah, some. Y'know. Like, “my mule left me for my sheepdog”; that sorta thing Har har. Do you know any scenesters?!?? Is that still a thing? I wouldn’t know, I’m old and out of the loop. Has any guy ever forgotten your name so often and exclusively that he just started calling you “girl”? Wow, no. Did you have to have braces for awhile, too? :[ Yes, but not for my teeth. Kisses on your cheek, or forehead? I think forehead kisses are cute if they’re from a guy I’m interested in. When’s the last time you wore facepaint? What’d it look like? I don’t recall. Do you still have a teddy-bear lying around somewhere? Not a teddy bear, but several giraffe stuffed animals all around my room. Are you a good-speller? I think so. Do you over-analyze everything, like me? Yeppp. Have you ever rode on the back of a moped? No. Do like Frank Sinatra? I like a couple of his songs. What about Cap'n Jazz? I’m not familiar with them. Is there anything in your room that belongs to a boyfriend, or a friend of the opposite sex? Nope. What’s the brand of the computer or laptop that you’re on? Apple. Are you sitting on your bed? Or a spinny chair?? I’m on my bed. Anyone you can’t get off your mind? No. Have a “bone to pick” with anyone? Nah. What does love feel like? Warm and fuzzy. haha. Who’s your favorite Beatle? I don’t have one. I’m not a big Beatles fan. Like, I like some of their songs, but eh. Does it annoy the hell out of you when people smoke around you? Ugh, yes. Do you like guys with long-ish hair? I personally like short hair on guys. How do you talk when you’re drunk? I usually became quite chatty. Have you ever texted an ex whilst drunk? How’d that go? Yeah. I don’t really remember how the conversation went, that was several years ago now. What do you order at Starbucks? Usually a venti white chocolate mocha with soy, sometimes a caramel macchiato with soy. During the fall and winter I like to get some of the seasonal drinks. Except for pumpkin spice. I know, I know. Shocking, right? Penn Station or Subway? I’ve never been to Penn Station, so I’ll go with Subway. People with addictions are weak. Brutal truth, or “falsies”? I wouldn’t say that at all. Do you have a “gunkle”, like me? [: No. The underwear you’re wearing right now; Describe it. They’re blue. When’s the last time you were on a swing? Not since I was a kid sometime. Whose hand did you last squeeze? My doggo’s. Have you ever actually tied string around a finger? Yes. Wouldn’t that be difficult? It wasn’t that hard. Have you ever been in a cornfield with a boylyfriend? (: “Boylyfriend”... And no. Does baby talk annoy you? No. What’s the last thing you wrote (or drew) on yourself? *shrug* That would have been a long time ago. Can you walk straight in heels? I can’t do that at all. Do you like Eskimo kisses? Sure. When’s the last time you sat (or did anything, I guess) on a rooftop? Never. I’d be way too scared to ever do that. Have you ever heard anyone call kissing “swappin’ spit”? Yeah. Do you have to stand on your tip-toes to kiss your boyfriend? No boyfriend. If I had one, they’d have to bend down to kiss me. Or, have you had to before? Think about your ex. Just do it. How do you feel? I don’t really feel anything regarding them. When’s the last time you lied in bed with the opposite sex. Who was it? I’ve never done that, actually. Have you ever been tackle-hugged? (: Yeah. Have you ever been tackle-hugged into a pool with all your clothes on? Omg, no. That would be very shitty thing to do since I can’t swim and I’m in a wheelchair. Do you own any heart-shaped glasses? Nope. Do you have any photographs on your walls? Yes. Do you own an Ugly Doll? [: No. I’ve never heard of those... Do you overuse :)s, like me? Nah. I don’t go emoji crazy. Do you overuse the word “like”, or “amazing”? Probably “like.” Do you have any crowns? No. Brunette dudes with bleach blonde hair are utterly unattractive. Yes? They can be. Is there anyone that you “see yourself in”, so to speak? No. What’d you last use scissors for? I don’t remember. Have you ever rejected someone’s kiss before? Yes. How well’d that go over with him? (Or her, I’m not judging) They just kept asking for one. Are you really over him, or are you just a great liar? I’m over any guy I’ve had feelings for the past. Whose grave did you last visit? My family members who have passed away have been cremated.  Do you have any polaroids? (pictures) Yeah, several. How many photo-albums do you have? A few. Do you scrapbook? Yes. Have you ever made a PostSecret book? Nope. Have you ever seen The Upside Down Show? No. Is it something children should really watch? I don’t know what it is. What about The Wiggles? I’ve seen parts of it before when my brother was little and yeah I recall it being fine for kids to watch. 

“Fruit salad, yummy, yummy.” Name a song that gives you goosebumps. Hmm. Is it wrong to call things “gay”? I think it’s insulting. What’s the most terrifying thing you’ve ever been through? Almost dying. Is there really such thing as a “chemical imbalance”? Uh, yes. Is love really just a chemical reaction? Sure.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

[so-shiny-so-chrome]

Witness: Kalashnikorn

Creator name (AO3): Kalashnikorn

Creator name (Tumblr): Main-force-patrol

Link to creator works: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kalashnikorn

Creator name (other platform- please specify): @Riccarterfans (twitter)

Q: Why the Mad Max Fandom?

A: My interest in Mad Max started early. I was maybe 12-14 when my mom picked it up on VHS at a garage sale because she had fond memories of the film when it came out (she saw it in theaters, which is rare for her). We’re both fond of cars and dystopian/apocalyptic stuff, so I easily connected with the movie and fell in love with WAY too many of the characters. So there was my weirdo self, in the early 2000s, loving MM1 but not really having a fandom to join. I had fun on my own, drawing stuff, making toys of the characters, writing doofy adolescent fanfic. You know, the works. But I did it in isolation, because I was a LONELY kid. Not just in terms of fandom, there were just never other kids around, or adults (other than my parents) around. Therefore, I spent most of my time online, and lost countless hours lurking on the MadMaxMovies.com forum. But I didn’t feel safe talking to people there, because the only other fans were guys my dad’s age. For years, if I had any kind of fandom-related wish that I’d give an arm to fulfill, it was that other girls and queer folks would embrace the MM series so I could finally share my excitement with people that would “get” me. Fast forward to 2015. Fury Road fulfilled that wish. I knew tumblr was my best chance at getting those friends I’d wanted for so long. It’s better than I’d ever dreamed. Mad Max Fandom, I love you! Special shoutout to @d--t, @crunkmouse, @sillyb0yblue, @sleepymayo, @lethalpr0tector, @legendofstraydog, @partyinvalhalla and @vanessa-geraldine-carlysle! 

Q: What do you think are some defining aspects of your work? Do you have a style? Recurrent themes?

A: I love to write first-person fic that delves into the darker aspects of the human psyche. How do we justify killing others? What impact does a hypermasculine culture have upon a man with depression and anxiety? Is violence really the key to surviving the apocalypse? I also enjoy writing about people seeking control or freedom, and wrestling with that they believe they need to do to achieve that. 

Q: What (if any) music do you listen to for help getting those creative juices flowing?

A: Since I do first person, I like something to get me into the head of the character I’m writing, so I make playlists for certain characters. 99% of the time, anymore, I’m writing as Roop, so on his playlist I’ve got a bunch of stuff quasi-hipster stuff that touches upon themes of isolation, anger, violence, and feelings of helplessness. There’s a bunch of indie rock, some seventies stuff, and A LOT OF PINK FLOYD. Oh, and there’s some Aussie rock in there too, of course. 

Q: What is your biggest challenge as a creator?

A: Finding the time to write! 

Q: Which character do you relate to the most, and how does that affect your approach to that character? Is someone else your favourite to portray? How has your understanding of these characters grown through portraying them?

A: Roop… And Roop.  And my understanding of him has absolutely grown through portraying him. He’s a character that’s in MM1 for like.. Ten minutes? And after the opening chase scene, he hardly has any lines. But Steve Millichamp does an excellent job portraying him with his posture, body language, etc. So I gleaned ideas from his non-verbal performance. Honestly, if you look at the number of times he makes a mopey face, it’s astounding. Other times, he looks at Fifi for guidance, the way a kid looks at a parent or teacher. He doesn’t seem to have any friends at work, partially due to his own personality. I could go on for hours. From all that, I extrapolated that he’s basically caught between childhood and adulthood, and he’s trying to sort out what it means to be a good cop and a good person. Sometimes those things aren’t congruent, and it tears him up because he’s a very type A, hardworking perfectionist. Growing up, he was told that he was gifted, smart, etc., and he feels like an imposter because he fixates on his shortcomings and mistakes. And when trying to live up to this impossibly high standard, he puts a lot of pressure on himself and struggles when he has to surrender or when he fails. There’s a ton more, but those are the highlights. The vast majority my MM/Roop fic stays offline. Pretty much all of it is irrelevant to the rest of the Mad Max universe, so there’s no point in posting it. It’s taken on a life of its own. Of course, some people have let me know that they dislike or disagree with my characterization of Roop. That’s fine. Nobody’s forcing them to read my fic.

Q: Do you ever self-insert, even accidentally?

A: Oh hell yes. And I’m completely shameless about it, because I don’t think the practice should be taboo or frowned upon. We wouldn’t shame an actor who tapped their lived experience to bring authenticity to a role, would we?  I think we should extend the same understanding to writers. Aside from being a great way to understand more about our selves, enjoy an escapist fantasy, or work through trauma, I think self-insertion can be a great way to evoke emotional authenticity in a story.

Q: Do you have any favourite relationships to portray? What interests you about them?

A: I pretty much stick to what I consider my strength, which is genfic. So I mostly stick to portraying platonic interactions, both friendly and unfriendly. I particularly like exploring how Roop interacts with/judges his co-workers. I’m also fond of writing about good moms who love and encourage their kids. Sometimes the mom is the viewpoint character, sometimes it’s the kid. Regardless, I like looking at how parental relationships can shape a person’s worldview.

Q: How does your work for the fandom change how you look at the source material?

A: My work makes me hyper-analyze MM1 and its novelization. I mostly write MM1 fic because I feel like we could have gotten a lot more mileage out of exploring MM1’s world, before society fully broke down and became the more fantastical wasteland we know and love in MM2, MM3, and MMFR. As much as I like the later worldbuilding stuff, I can really appreciate watching a civilization crumble in a grounded, slow-burning manner. 

Q: To break or not to break canon? Why?

A: Depends on what you mean by “break.” I think a lot purists would say that I break canon, so I’ll put it this way: I like to write stories where I add to canon without directly contradicting it. We’re never shown Roop’s home life, for instance. It’s free real estate! I do this because I just want MORE MM1. More Roop, more MFP, more Armalites, all of it. I don’t feel the need to change anything, just add more volume to it. That said, I love it when others break canon! I have a ton of fun reading AUs and alternate scenes. 

Q: Share some headcanons

A: GRAB A SEAT AND PUT YOUR SITTIN’ PANTS ON. Here we go: In addition to recruiting local police officers and other traditional recruiting strategies, the MFP uses conscription to fill out its ranks. Roop is one such draftee. Roop doesn’t spend any time with Charlie outside of work. He really just tries to minimize contact with the guy. If we do all my Roop headcanons, we’ll be here until the Miller completes MM5. Charlie wanted to go seminary school and become a priest, but was drafted. Losing his voice pretty much killed his dream of preaching. Fifi takes an interest in his men, but only so he can better manipulate them into staying/reenlisting. Bubba was a former MFP officer who went rogue once budget cuts and bureaucratic decisions made law enforcement abandon his rural hometown.

Q: Who are some works by other creators inside and outside of the fandom that have influenced your work?Inside the fandom, the old RP crowd and I bounced a lot of ideas off each other, and interacting with their muses helped Roop’s story grow by leaps and bounds (finger guns at @d--t’s OC, Renholder, @vanessa-geraldine-carlysle’s portrayal of Charlie, and @legendofstraydog’s OC, Syrup!) Outside the fandom, my biggest influences are Kurt Vonnegut, J.D. Salinger, Quentin Tarantino, the Coen Brothers, and Sam Esmail.

Q: Have you visited or do you plan to visit Australia, Wasteland Weekend, or other Mad Max place?

A: Not yet, but I'd love to go someday!

Q: Tell us about a current WIP or planned project

A: “Autotomy” is my big current WIP. It’s 7 chapters into its 9 or 10 chapter run (I’ve literally got chapter 8 open in another window as I’m writing this). It follows Roop immediately after MM1 ends. He sees the aftermath of Max’s rampage, and begins to question his own ideals. Then his morals are put to the test when an unexpected guest arrives at his home. The word “autotomy” describes cutting off a part of oneself to escape a greater threat. Think of a lizard that sheds its trapped tail to avoid being eaten. I’m using it in the literal and metaphorical sense. At the end of MM1, we see someone have to make a literal life-or-limb decision. And in this story, Roop has to decide whether or not to cut off the toxic ideology that has guided his actions.

Thank you @main-force-patrol @richardcarterfans some of your tags got lost in reformatting.  You may want to retag your peeps

#Mad Max Fandom Creator Spotlight #Mad Max Fandom Spotlight #mad max fic #mad max fic author spotlight #kalishnakorn #main-force-patrol

[missmentelle]

The term "Everything is political" resonates with a lot of people including myself. But lately I'm burnt out and tired. All of my friends are hyper political about everything that it's hard to even have a normal conversation. Sometimes all I want to do is make tacos and watch X-files with people. Or go on a hike or something that is decompressing. Is it normal to get tired of political things?

It is absolutely normal to get tired of political things, and what you’re describing is the exact reason why so many activists burn out by the time they hit their mid-20s. I’m involved in a lot of activism myself (if you attended or volunteered at March for Our Lives NYC you’ve probably seen me!) and I know at least three brilliant, dedicated activists who’ve had nervous breakdowns because of the stress and pressure of being constantly involved in activism. It is absolutely necessary to take breaks and relax before you reach that point. You have to, if you’re going to have any energy left to do this work.In an ideal world, we would all avoid every single trace of racism, sexism, homophobia, ableism and classism, and lead ideologically perfect lives. In the real world, though, that’s not actually possible. Everything is problematic in some way or another - planning a large-scale march means that you’re excluding disabled people who can’t spend hours standing on a cold New York street, and people with anxiety issues who cannot be in a large crowd. Writing articles about social justice might mean that you are taking attention away from a more marginalized writer who writes about the same thing. Supporting any movie or television show about a marginalized experience means that you’re ignoring X, Y and Z stories, because no representation of a marginalized group is ever going to be perfect or universal. It’s important to strive for justice and strike down injustice, but it’s impossible to thrive in a world where you don’t allow yourself to enjoy anything. Sometimes your sanity requires that you throw on an episode of Family Guy and chuckle at the off-colour jokes. Sometimes you have to listen to your favourite songs and not think about the politics of the music industry. Sometimes you have to accept that you’re one person making an effort, and remind yourself that you’re good enough. Strike a balance between life and activism, and let yourself take breaks when you need them. There are millions of problems in the world, and you aren’t responsible for fixing them all. You are not a bad person or a bad activist for taking an afternoon off from condemning oppression to go on a relaxing hike. Strive for improvement, but allow yourself to enjoy the imperfect world around you. Spending every waking moment analyzing, condemning and calling-out is a recipe for quick burnout - you are allowed to take time off for yourself, and you will be a better and more energized activist in the long run as a result. Best of luck to you!

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

I'm giving up podcasts to save my brain and soul from overload

In an era when there's so much information — so much content — that we can never, ever be bored, I've come to a breaking point: I'm giving up podcasts.

My brain is melted from an onslaught of news and takes. I've come to realize that I'm overwhelmed and the only way to catch my breath is to cut something out. So I've cracked open my podcast app for the last time for the foreseeable future.

SEE ALSO: Spotify bets big on podcasts with acquisition of Gimlet and Anchor

That's not to say I'm giving up on listening to things on my commutes or my many, many walks with an overactive dog. There's more music available at my fingertips than I could ever hope to listen to, and I'm also taking up audiobooks as a way to help pass these cold, windy strolls through the Ohio winter. 

My farewell to podcasts didn't come easily. After all, they are extremely interesting and entertaining, like a personalized talk radio station that shuffles through topics that speaks directly to my soul. But the time has come to give my soul (and my mind) a break. I need to reclaim those hours and spend it doing something other than trying to stuff even more information into an already overpacked brain.

Information Overload

Here's the real problem: I could listen to podcasts, on double speed, for every waking minute of my week and still not come close to chipping away at the stack of all of the episodes piling up in my queue. It's the result of something good: my enthusiasm for so many things. But somewhere along the line it's taken a bad turn.

A huge part of the problem is that I've been trying to stay up on all the political news I can in a particularly volatile environment. I recently wrote for this very site about the political podcasts I listened, so there's always something in the queue. Everything from the analytical banter of the FiveThirtyEight politics podcast to the Associated Press's deeply reported "Ground Game." 

These feel like must-listens that kept me up-to-date on everything happening in the political world. And that's not including the new spate of daily news podcasts that break down everything that just happened, like the New York Times' popular "The Daily" podcast and the Washington Post's "Post Reports.

There's only so much I can really take in, though. And I'm definitely not alone. It's an extension of a wider problem that many of us have been dealing wit. Burnout over bad news has been an issue for years, but it's even more prevalent now given the volatility of the news cycle we're living through — climate change, North Korea, Trump, you name it. It's also fed by how we consume the news in a never-ending stream of TV, radio, digital video, social media, and, yes, podcasts. 

There's so much input that if you don't adjust, you just might drown in the tidal wave of information. As  someone who lives and writes on the internet all day, it's something I'm hyper aware of and — at least for me — one of the easiest ways to alleviate some of the flow is to, well, cut out the podcasts.

Podcast overload has been an issue people have explored, especially as podcasts have become more popular. In August 2017, The Ringer looked at why listening to your podcasts on hyper-speed (like, ahem, I do) doesn't really help. And in October 2017, Sirena Bergman of The Cut explored the pros and cons of cramming all these podcasts into your head in any given week. 

None of the suggestions I've found for finding balance have worked for me. I've tried to listen to many podcasts on double-speed and fewer podcasts on regular speed and neither has offered the solution I'm searching for. Even cutting back a significant amount hasn't done the trick: I just keep going back for more. So I decided that the best thing for me is to simply quit cold turkey.

Not Necessarily the News

News and politics aren't the only thingsI've been piping through my earbuds. I've been a huge fan of music podcasts for years now, specifically for my favorite jam bands: the Grateful Dead-focused "Brokedown Podcast" and three Phish-related podcasts. Throw in "Pod Dylan," which analyzes a different Bob Dylan song every episode, and I've got hours of great material every week.

You can also add to the pile the countless sports podcasts I'm subscribed to. There are the three different Chicago Cubs podcasts and then there a half-dozen other baseball podcasts. On top of that there's the odd football podcast like the "(New Orleans) Saints Happy Hour Podcast," and then the ESPN "30 for 30" podcast series. Put it all together and you've got a stack of podcasts that piles up like back issues of the New Yorker.

That's another problem: These podcasts are supposed to be informative, but they're also supposed to be fun. Hearing hosts blow off steam about, say, a terrible Super Bowl-altering no call or a deep analysis of a terrific run of Phish shows is meant to help reduce the stress that builds up in my brain from everything else. 

Instead, seeing the episodes pile up and knowing I'm never going to get to them only ups the pressure in my head. And how many more sponsored messages can I really listen to before I break down and get my own meal kit subscription?

I'm surprised no one thanked Boll & Branch, Me Undies or Casper Mattresses this #Oscars Then, again, perhaps I listen to one too many podcasts.

— GettingCookedWithCraig (@GettingCooked) February 25, 2019

I want to stay informed. I want to hear the latest analysis of up-and-coming baseball prospects or what, exactly, an obscure Bob Dylan B-side means, because it genuinely interests me. But even when I made myself stop listening to every episode and got more picky, listening only to the episodes I really wanted to check out, the stress didn't really subside.

At a certain point, the anxiety of missing out on something, anything, became greater than the excitement of listening to a new episode of any podcast. Every episode I skipped could be a golden nugget I'd never hear. Was there a terrific anecdote about Phish's latest Madison Square Garden run or a life-changing revelation about a 1972 Dead show in one of the episodes I missed? 

This overpowering fear of missing out (FOMO) became my biggest hurdle to both listening to and ultimately giving up podcasts.  

Fighting FOMO

I want to keep up. In an age where information moves impossibly fast, I want to be on that leading edge. Plus there's also the not-insignificant fear of being left out of the cultural conversation. 

A few years ago, I was able to keep up with the "Serial" zeitgeist, devouring every episode as soon as it dropped. In 2019, there are so many of these podcasts that I can't possibly keep track. "S-Town"? I fell off after several episodes and never caught back up. Same with "Dirty John" and "Slow Burn."

But I agonized over it, still downloading the episodes and telling myself that, yes, tomorrow was TOTALLY the day I'd dive in and catch up to what everyone was talking about on Twitter.

What peer-induced FOMO podcast should I be listening to?

— Derek Hiebert (@derekhiebert) February 19, 2019

The more these episodes piled up, the more stressed I became. But there just aren't enough hours in the day. And the truth is that I've got a pretty bad memory. I've probably forgotten more of the fascinating anecdotes and revelations I've been seeking than I've remembered. So what am I really missing in the end?

I'm find leaving one Stone unturned

There comes a breaking point for everyone, and I finally reached mine not long after the new year, when the lighter load of the holidays fell away and the news cycle cranked up again. When Roger Stone was finally indicted as part of the Mueller investigation, the exhaustion hit me just as the news cycle exploded, including a barrage of "emergency podcasts" on the topic.

In the days that followed, I watched the deluge of reactionary podcasts roll in, but I found the urge to click "play" was fading. Between the news I was already gleaning from social media and stories I read, that fear of missing something wasn't nearly as strong as it had been before. 

Maybe it was Trump overload, maybe it was something about Stone himself — a truly repulsive charlatan — that turned me off. Either way, as the days ticked by, I didn't feel that same pull to learn more. The hold was broken, and it was easier to let other podcasts keep slipping by until I realized I wasn't really missing anything at all. 

So long, happy trails

When I mentioned my podcast sabbatical to a friend, they asked why I was going cold turkey instead of, say, just cutting back? I get that it seems extreme but it's a mix of two things: the need to give my brain full break each day and the hope of a fresh start. 

And I plan to stick to it. I've already mowed through a few audiobooks and have downloaded another half-dozen from my local library and have no desire to give up the calmer, more cohesive experience of listening to these books for a return to chaotic world of podcasts. 

Will something ever happen to draw me back? Maybe. If and when the Mueller Report finally drops, I can see dipping a toe back into the pool for an episode or two of analysis. Same goes for some sort of major move by one of my sports teams. (Say, the Cubs suddenly signing free agent star Bryce Harper.) 

SEE ALSO: Podcasts were my friends when I had none

But, for now, I'm done. Maybe getting my brain smoothed back out over the coming months will put me in a better place to come back to a slimmed down input of podcasts in time for, say, the 2020 presidential election. 

Even then, I'll need to wade slowly into the shallow end. If I do come back, I know I'll feel a lot better about managing the overload and being picky, making sure that what I choose to take in will be truly beneficial for me and something I can truly value. FOMO, be damned.

WATCH: Will Ferrell brings back Ron Burgundy for iHeartRadio podcast

#_category:yct:001000002 #_lmsid:a0Vd000000DTrEpEAL #_author:Marcus Gilmer #_uuid:16185a0c-a8a7-3bfe-a806-7d06b807c2ed #_revsp:news.mashable

[cezulian]

I have a Crush™ on a dude from work but all I have are anxieties about these things bc he specifically is very chill and soft spoken in the way that it just makes me hyper-aware how fuckin loud and endlessly chatty I am and also I do this thing where I think every single person is irritated by me bc all I talk about is either the media I’m consuming or thoughts and ideas on shit that’s too deep in the realm of conversation to ever have a nice light talk about or I’m fuckin cracking stupid jokes because I’m naturally a very goofy person but I don’t want that to come off as trying too hard which I worry it always does? And also I hate my body because I have scars like everywhere on my torso at least and forreal I can’t even comfortably have sex unless I have a shirt on which is just awkward and stupid and horrible and I haven’t been in a relationship in fifty trillion years and my last one was a garbage disaster that ended badly so like??? I don’t even know how to do that bullshit anymore or what’s normal really or fuckin whatever bc I was 18 or 19 when that was over and I’m a totally different person now.

Also I don’t know how to fuckin act EVER did I mention this because seriously since high school I’ve been micro-analyzing every single one of my actions and people’s reactions to them bc I don’t want a repeat of high school where I was slowly being replaced in the friend group that I’d had for years by someone else and said friend group kept inching and inching away from me until I asked them what was up and they all went off on me about all these supposedly vexing character traits I had I wasn’t even aware of being there nor being something that was tearing us apart so now as an adult if I even think that someone is having an adverse reaction to my behavior I frantically try and fix it or redo it and then I obsess over if I did THAT right like an alien in a bad skinsuit trying to convince everyone that they’re a normal human being but their florglap fluid is sweating through their plartoch layer and its becoming more and more obvious to everyone that they’re not of this world.

Also people just straight up don’t wanna date me, like genuinely, yknow? I just don’t think I have a dateable personality and I mean that from an entirely objective standpoint. I’m very “cheeky best friend to male lead in a rom com who liked him the whole time but at the end decides that he’s better off with female lead and the end credits narrative shows me sitting on a train and the on screen text talks about how I later moved to Geneva to study philosophy and became a professor and never married or whatever” kind of vibe to me I mean really yall know me I’m bursting at the seams with infinity things I want to talk about all the time I never shut up unless I get tired or I begin to realize that I’m talking too much and spend the rest of the time I’d spend talking in complete silence obsessing over how much I’ve talked until my hands bleed from digging my fingers into my palms too hard and didn’t notice or someone literally shoots me dead. I’m a good listener and I love listening but I still feel like I haven’t mastered the distinct balance between giving people too much of my time this being talked over or taken advantage of thus not being listened to in return (not that I ever like “expect anything in return” for listening) and not giving people enough because I’m more concerned with helping them out or trying to make them feel listened to. Idk if its because of me or because of the different perspectives of the people I’ve dated or what dude. I’m also very very very emotional about everything and not a lot of people get that if they’re going to watch a show or movie with me or we found out we read the same book I’m gonna wanna fuckin GET INTO IT like CRAZY DEEP because I thrive on figuring things out and deconstructing ideas and finding out how they work and will work in the future but even people who know what they’re getting into with me end up exasperated and either try to change the subject or just have this look on their face like they’d rather be anywhere else. I definitely know people who can talk longer on one singular subject than I can but cmon yall that’s not the type of person anyone would actually want to be in a relationship with! And I always feel like I attract the extremes of one particular group or another whenever I do attract people because my interests vary so much? Like I love Shakespeare, Reality TV, Dragon Ball Z + other very specific genres of anime, Haute Couture, very specific genres of Video Games™, World history, Revolutionary War history, pretentious art films, politically-fueled rap music, shallow and bare minimum rap music, very specific genres of talk-singy freeverse indie music, astrology, 80s cartoons, social issues, weird gore art, and very specific genres of shitty youtube videos and all in all I know that these things aren’t unique or special and a lot of people are into these same things but I can never seem to find someone who isn’t just into only one of these things and is disappointed once they get to know everything else and just kind of drop me?

But because of all this I’m both super secretive and paranoid about everything and everyone as well as uncomfortably open and weirdly personal with everything and everyone and I get to a point where when I have a Crush™ on someone I work myself up into liking them a whole lot and then if they somehow end up liking me too I freak the fuck out about everything wrong with me and also obligation and commitment as a prospect and turn em down but then when they say “ok I’ll date x person instead” I also freak out because “how could you do this to me I thought we were real???” and when they go “oh ok so u wanna go out?” again I go “Oooh I’m actually in a really bad place right now sorry” and that’s not fair to anyone man!!

But guess what dude none of this matters anyways because this guy has a girlfriend and I don’t fuck with peoples’ relationships like that so even though we like the same very specific genres of both games and movies and even though he seems genuinely interested in what I have to say and vice versa and even though we share the same opinions on the goings on of various facets of modern human psychological/societal development and politics its like whatever man. I’m not trying to be a fuckin nihilistic douche or overdramatize my shit bc I’m not super sad or anything right now I’m just like trying to remember my cycle of bullshit and not come off as though I’m fetishizing my sadness and now I’m just like laying here its 6:04 AM and I’m paranoid about posting this and yall knowin all kinds of shit about me but also I want yall to because its only natural for people to want to be understood or to want to even feel like they could be understood and I know yall won’t read this but I don’t want that to sound like I’m fishing for pity because again I’m not sad I’m just workin out my shit ya feel bc I gotta go to work with this guy on Friday and I’m gonna let him borrow Silent Hill 3 because I said I would because I don’t know when to stop so this is all just on repeat in my head yall feel

#Buncha buuuuuuuullshit #I am so sleepy and my back hurts