#i was 12 when we moved to mn so i didnt have to deal with any of the moving process besides packing my room | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

peonies07 · 4 years

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Ok so I'm 19. I've been on tumblr since I was 12, yeah I was probably that annoying 12 year old. But at the time I needed it so badly. Tumblr was the reason I knew basically about LGBT before the gay marriage right arguement. Tumblr helped me figure out that I'm not straight.

The issue is that I grew up in rural MN like my hometown had 200 people. And most were Christian Republican conservatives with stereotypes and all.

I have two older brothers. The oldest was my father figure growing up- hes 9 years older than me and honestly was the only person that showed me support and potentially unconditional love. Around the time he left for college my family had to sell our house and move into an apartment the next town over about (2,000 people). I was about 10 and losing my brothers comfort made me start being depressed. While he was home he was the one who would counteract anything that would have made me feel worthless or unloved, he was there to prove my mother's words wrong. My other brother is 7 years older than me and was in high school and angry at the world at the time. I lost the only real support I had. Our dad worked long hours and I barely ever saw him after we lost the house he went to ND to find work and I saw him even less.

Our mom is very toxic and honestly probably abusive? I've been gas lighted to the point where I have no confidence in any memory, thought or feeling I had unless I have someone next to me to tell me 'no that was real it was like that'. So when my brother were old enough to move out or to have reasons to stay away I was stuck with her and it turned into the my daughter is my best friend. But with that came the complaints on how expensive I was and how bad her life was, how she regrets marrying my dad and then last minute remembering to add 'but at least I have you kids'.

Enter finding tumblr and learning that no there's a world outside this tiny town was one of the things that made middle school and high school so much easier. After I figured out that I was apart of LGBT, my older brother came home. In the time of gay marriage and all the arguements. I looked up to him as someone who would always be on my side and then right when he came home, I had to listen or sometimes argue with him and our mom about 'the gays'.

They were obviously against it and it forced me to hide and bury it for a long time. I would come out to friends if I trusted them or if they had shared they were also not straight but never to my family. After middle school, my mom got a new job and moved us about an hour away.

When I started high school, I found Trevor. He became my best friend and was for about 3 months and then of course asked me out. I didnt like him in that way but I also didnt want to upset him or lose him so I said yes.

We dated for 3 years from freshman year to senior year. In that time he took my virginity, we had taken 3 breaks and I had relatively no friends besides Trevor or his friends. He saw on my tumblr page that I put pansexual (at the time I identified with it) he asked me about it, I explained it and he gave a weird look. We never talked about it much after maybe an occasional hey that girl is cute but nothing really to address it? I was the one who started all of the breaks. I knew that being with him wasn't right for me but he was still my best friend and the one I was closest to. He was the one who was there when I cried and I was there for him. By senior year I was heavily depressed and highly anxious. I got a job after freshman year at a fast food chain, where I worked with his parents, and started PSEO classes my junior year. Between the stress of taking college classes, a struggling relationship, no other support network, and working 20-30 hours a week with high school and living with my mom. I started to break down my senior year, I got a different job that had less hours, since in the middle of my junior year I had gotten promoted to manager at 16 at the fast food chain and worked even more. I started skipping college classes and would just hang out in my car in parking lots so I would go home. Mom had gotten a job that worked nights and would leave at 2pm so I would wait until after she left to go home and just lay in bed. If I did it while she was there I would get told how lazy I was and how I needed to get up.

I started seeing a therapist in October, of course I was only 17 and so I had to have mom come in for the first meeting. The first thing she told my therapist was how she thought that I wasn't screwed up and didnt really need therapy and talked a bit about how she was disappointed. I paid for therapy on my own obviously and after a few weeks I never told my mom when I went to therapy to this day she does not know how many times I went. In December I finally broke up with Trevor for good and a bit later I found my 3 best friends, they are my favorite people they are my big supporters and I'm theirs. They have been there for me no matter what and honestly really showed me what having actually friends was like.

Two of them are also in LGBT and the other not but we all support each other. After we graduated I went to a private college 6 hours away in Wisconsin. I needed to be far from my family but close enough for emergencies especially since my dads mother had cancer and we knew she wouldn't have long.

Before college started I had tot get rid of my car, mom told me that she couldn't keep me on her insurance so I gave it to my brother (middle child). I went off to college, in late September my grandmother died and I went to her funeral (my mom told me I couldn't go because college was too important, I went anyway).

By winter break I realized that I couldn't keep being carless. I had asked my dad for help since I definitely couldn't go to my mom and didnt have any other option (forgot to mention they divorced in 2017 after being separated for about 6/7 years). He helped me and bought me a truck that was $7,000.

Now here is the that start of the reason I'm writing this.

My dad is an alcoholic and has so many fucking DUIs, he should be in prison honestly. But after my parents divorce he started trying to get his license back.

Complicated part is he couldn't stay sober. Or at least not drive while drunk, and with both of our names on the title of this truck I had to get whiskey plates. Honestly I didnt care about the plates but my dad did and told me to try and transfer it into my name only.

We bought the truck in December 2019 and didn't get the title sent to us until May 2020 and if we had gotten it on time this wouldn't be too concerning but sadly not the case. In February he got picked up again and that's the one that cause me to have whiskey plates so I couldn't transfer it into my name if I wanted to. - MN law states that if a truck has whiskey plates it cannot be transfer into a family member or household member, it can be sold but it has to be a fair price no 'gifts'.

And of course its Corona timw and I had to leave college in March- back to mom's house where I got hella depressed again and then had to drop the courses I was trying to take for spring cause I needed to focus on mental health. In May I moved in with my brother-middle one- to his city that is 3 hours away.

It's better but also not quite where I want to be. So since I'm out of mom's and overall just really frustrated with the world I came to terms with wanting to come out to my family, especially my brothers. Earlier this month (August) I did. I told them over dinner since my oldest brother was in town and asking me about my love life and I just said 'I like girls' and they kinda accepted it. Middle brother is hella religious so I knew there was a chance of rejection, all he had to say was that he doesn't quite believe that there can really be a romantic relationship between women, as god intended love to be between a man and woman. But he didnt disown me or kick me out so it's fine. My oldest brother just made a joke about lesbian porn. The next day they followed up a bit with it of hey so you're gay basically. Most of my family is now transphobic instead of homophobic since trans is 'worse'. I dont agree with them but I'm just content for now with not losing my brothers. I've basically cut our mom off and still dont talk to our dad much especially about feelings.

So with this truck that my dad bought me and with the added stress of trying to figure out how to deal with it I decided to trade it in. But went to probably the worst dealership in our area and got conned really. After 8 days of having the new SUV it broke down, the motor through a rod and is basically totaled until a new motor is put in.

And naturally I haven't told anyone in the family besides the brother I live with so about two days after trying to figure out again of what to do. Middle brother calls dad and older brother to help and my anxiety and anger spike. I've never talked about the trauma o went through because of our mom to anyone in the family only the oldest brother but not all of it. Added in the fact that I dont want to accept dads help if hes going to hate or reject me for being gay I am so scared and anxious that I just explode. They came and dad started asking me about why I didnt call him before and why I traded it for the car I did and I'm trying to tell him it's fine well get the truck back I learned my lesson and I'm giving him the truck back, I'll find a vehicle on my own. I am financially able to so he can have to back/sell it.

But he just keeps pushing and then telling me to mellow out and stop being moody. And pushing more so I just scream. And start trying to explain hey I got a bunch of issues and I cant trust you yeah you're my dad but mom made me feel worthless so.

And I'm crying/screaming/sobbing and dads basically at a point of not listening. My oldest brother comforts me and I make him walked away from dad with me as our other brother had come.

I start telling my oldest brother what the h3ll is going on in my head with almost everything. I talk about our mom, how he is my father figure not our dad, how I cant trust our dad and also about my fears with rejection from dad and previous fear of his rejection. I get through most of it and dad and our other brother come to where we are.

Now I have been out to my brothers for about 2-3weeks and my oldest brother deciding to 'help me'? Asks our dad if he would love me any less for being gay. I lose it I get a bit hysterical and start laughing cause for no reason that I can figure out for now really. I hear our middle brother make some comment that I couldnt quite hear but the tone was like an exhausted really vibe to it? And cue our dad saying of course not and trying to talk again about how I should have called and I try again explaining that I cant trust that easily after being alone with mom for basically 8 years and him then trying to tell me that hes not her.

So my family does not understand feelings well but they're there for me apparently and dont hate me ( I still dont fucking believe them). Like they are saying they dont but I haven't really seen any reason to believe that or a sign of unconditional love. I always feel like I'm merely tolerated and on the edge of circles ready to be pushed out at the wrong word.

I still haven't 'come out' to our mom yet and I dont think I'll tell her face to face, she can find out through facebook. I still have so much anxiety about all of this and it's to the point were it's an overall feeling of nothing but with a premonition of something not right or anxiety about something bad happening.

#lgbtq #coming out #gay #wlw #Anxiety #depression #childhood trauma #bad parenting #brothers #family issues #personal

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