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willowworkswithwords · 1 year

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Eddie hates his hair. It never does what his mom tries to get it to do, when she’s out of the stupor of drugs long enough to notice the state it’s in. Either way, it’s always breakin the teeth of the cheap combs his dad buys him when Eddie’d starts to complain of it getting all gross.

There are only so many times his hair can get wadded into a pile on the top of his head or have a brush torn through it again and again before he starts to shy away, to dread anyone touching his hair at all.

His dad threatens a razor. Eddie might hate his hair, but he hates the idea of his dad getting close to him with his shaving razor even more.

Things have been…ok, for a while. Eddie can feel it though. The inevitable is coming soon, and the longer the good sticks around, the harder it becomes to believe in it. What way the bad will come, Eddie can’t tell, can never really tell, but he tries his best to ready himself for it. This school in Indianapolis has been one of the better ones he’s been switching around to since they came to Indy a couple years ago from Kentucky.

Kentucky feels like a dream.

Kentucky was the best part of his life he can remember. In Kentucky, he’d had a group of friends, all kinda like him, all scrappy trailer park kids, and he’d drifted between all of their trailers. Back then, they’d come to his trailer too, before his mom had sunk down all the way, before his dad had turned out to be an angry drunk. They’d all sleep sprawled out on the floor of each other’s bedrooms, making room for the siblings when they were there. Eddie was only hungry about half the time, and he had never really been scared of much back then.

He knows better now.

They’re in Indianapolis, in a tiny apartment that Eddie tries not to think about how his dad got. There’s no way they can afford it with his real job, even though it’s a shithole. But Eddie’s twelve now. He’s not stupid. So he keeps his mouth shut around his dad and takes care of his mom when he’s not at school.

His hair sits under a hat more often than not. He tries to run his fingers through it, the comb, anything. One night he sneaks some margarine from the fridge and tries to get the knots to slip and slide out from each other. It only makes him look dirtier. A couple weeks pass and it’s not getting any better. A rainy day comes. Eddie has a purple bruise on his gaunt cheek that his mom smears the thinnest layer of foundation over, just enough to hide it and not enough for his dad to notice the makeup on his son’s face.

Annie is sitting in the library during lunch, in front of the window they always eat at. It’s a muggy day for April, but she still wears long sleeves.

Annie’s eleven, a year younger than Eddie but just as smart, probably smarter. All the kids make fun of her hair, which rests in fraying braids across her shoulders. She’d told him once, one of the first times they’d both taken refuge in the library, that her mom didn’t have the time to do her and all her sibling’s hair. As the oldest, Annie helped all the others, but it was hard for her to do her own. It just fell by the wayside. Not all the time, but enough. Eddie and her were the same, she’d said once, no matter that everyone thought they couldn’t be because she was Black and he was trailer trash.

Her dad hit her too. She always told him it was better her than her little siblings.

“Hey Annie.”

“Hey Eddie.”

Annie smiles as he sits down, goes back to her book. Eddie sits across from her on the sill, grabbing a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for her out of his lunch sack. Wordlessly, he sets it to her right. Nudges her foot with his. She doesn’t pick it up for a minute, and Eddie smirks to himself as he sees her mouthing the words as she finishes her page.

They’re both left behind, but in these moments, the space between them and what they kn ow they lack is smaller.

“Hey Annie?”

Eddie can’t look her in the eye, instead picking apart his sandwich. Annie hums, taking a bite of her PB&J.

“Could you maybe…could you maybe help me? With, with my hair.”

Still not looking up from his sandwich, Eddie pulls off his hat.

“Jesus H. Christ.”

Eddie can’t help butler out a bark of laughter.

“...Yeah, I know.”

Eddie glances up at her, and she’s just looking at him. Calculating, like she gets with books that her teachers say are too old for her. Thinking of the best way to tackle it.

“Meet me in the theater dressing rooms tomorrow after dismissal.”

Tomorrow can’t come quick enough.

Eddie goes home and makes dinner for him and his mom, writes his book report, and sneaks beside his mom in her bed to read The Two Towers after she’d been asleep for a couple hours already. He’s just finished The Fellowship of the Ring and he can’t put it down. When he gets tired he sets his book down on the nightstand his dad never uses and presses his face into his mom’s back, feeling the rise and fall of each of heI r breaths as he slowly slips into sleep and dreams of his hair long and glossy, falling around his shoulders just like his mom’s.

#stranger things #eddie munson #young eddie munson #he's twelve #so this is like #1979 #I am not Black nor has my hair every gotten matted #This is going to be a part of a series about Eddie and his hair #Eddie's at a point where he doesn't think very highly of himself. that will change!#if i've misrepresented anything here #Please let me know!!!#i watched some matted hair detangling videos #but again #please let me know if I'm representing anything in a way that's offensive or innacurate #oc Annie #Willow writes #my fic #Willow talks

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brandogenius · 3 months

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do you think you could write smth abt julien helping reader get through a depressive episode?

of course!

‼️RPF‼️

HC - julien x reader - helping them get through a depressive episode

- you and jb don’t live with each other but she visits you nearly everyday

- helping you clean up

- tiding up, bringing over groceries, wiping down counters and tables and putting away all junk and wrappers

- “cmon baby- no we need to get you refreshed”

- patience. she’s very patient with you. will try coax you out of bed, gently but firmly

- “i’ll wash your hair?” she runs a bath for you, hot and warm with bubbles

- helping you into the bath she works on your hair first. detangling any knots and matted hair. trying to be as gentle as possible

- “i’m sorry if it hurts princess. just a little bit longer and then it’ll be over”

- massaging your head, it’s so peaceful you almost fall asleep.

- getting out of the bath, wrapping you in ultra soft blankets and has your pjs laid out nicely for you on the bed

- turns around when you’re changing to give you privacy

- “want me to brush your hair?”

- sitting in front of her on the bed, she brushes your hair, settling on tying it up off your face

- “we could put in face masks? might be refreshing hmm?”

- she might not know what she’s doing but she knows from you and watching youtube videos

- has you sitting in the closed toilet lid when she applies the sheet masks on your face before applying one to her own

- “we look pretty cool dont we?” ultimately trying to make you smile

- “when we’re done, you can sit in the kitchen at the table while i make dinner?”

- prepared to cook a nice homemade dinner for the both of you tonight. making one of your favourite meals

- both of you in the kitchen. julien pottering around the kitchen with pots and pans and you’re just watching her.in your own world

- jb trying to start a conversation, sometimes just talking to herself about anything.

- “want to help me stir the pot?”

- julien booting up netflix to watch some comedy movies

- “are you feeling tired? want to have an early night princess?”

- the two of you heading to bed, jb pulling you into her arms “you did really well today. do you think you’d like to go out tomorrow? maybe get some breakfast somewhere?”

#pom writes #julien baker x reader #julien baker angst #julien baker au #julien baker one shot #julien baker fluff #julien baker fanfic #boygenius fanfic #boygenius au #boygenius one shot #boygenius x reader

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abdelodev · 4 years

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Home Grooming Tips: How To Demat Your Dog’s Tangled Coat

Tangles, knots, and mats … oh my! If you’re raising a medium or long-haired pooch then chances are you’ve dealt with knots before. Even the most diligent pet parent who regularly combs their pup’s coat will find themselves head-to-head with a stubborn mat at some point.

I grew up with six poodles in the house. So, trust me, I get it!

When you spot a knot, though, it’s important to bust out your grooming tools and work through it ASAP. If ignored, little tangles can grow into large, nasty mats. Not only is it frustrating for you, but it’s also extremely uncomfortable for your pooch.

Here are some grooming tips to help you gently demat your dog’s tangled coat.

Most Common Areas Tangles and Mats Form

Ears

Under the arms

Along the back of the legs

Under the belly

Below the neck

Have The Right Grooming Tools On Hand

There are several different grooming tools on the market that can help break up your dog’s tangles, knots, and mats. I personally keep a little arsenal of grooming tools that includes the following: slicker brush, steel comb, mat remover, and long-blade de-matting rake.

The video below — featured under #3 in this article — will showcase these various brushes and show you how to use them!

Demat Your Pooch Before Bath Time

When self-grooming your pooch, you may feel inclined to just pop your pup into the tub without combing through his coat first. I know – we’re all pressed for time. But, seriously, this is a major no-no. You see, water will actually make a tangle or mat worse. The mat will just get tighter and tighter, becoming harder to work out. So, make sure to spend time working out all knots before bath time.

Find The Mats & Gently Work Them Out

This video by Jun — a professional groomer who shares his tips and tricks on YouTube — is filled with useful info! I highly recommend watching the entire video to see how Jun locates and then safely works out those pesky tangles and mats.

Start with a slicker brush to help identify various tangles and mats in your dog’s coat.

Use a steel comb to continue locating mats and begin to gently work them out.

Bust out a dematting rake to break up stubborn mats.

A Few Dos and Don’ts

Never try to pull out matted fur with your hands. Rather, use the proper tools as highlighted in the video above.

You may want to try a detangling spray. These types of sprays are designed to help relax the hair, making it easier for you to comb through.

Hold the matted hair in one hand and then use your comb/dematting tool with your other. This will allow you to pick apart the mat without irritating your dog’s skin.

Brush the mat in the same direction as the hair grows.

Work from the end of your dog’s hair to the skin vs. starting from the skin and workout out.

Be patient!

Know When You Need To Shave, Cut, Or Enlist A Professional

If a dog’s coat has been neglected for too long, the mats may need to be shaved or cut out. Consult with your groomer when needed.

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poop4u · 4 years

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24 Must-Have Products for Dogs

#Poop4U

The post 24 Must-Have Products for Dogs by Dogster Admin appeared first on Dogster. Copying over entire articles infringes on copyright laws. You may not be aware of it, but all of these articles were assigned, contracted and paid for, so they aren't considered public domain. However, we appreciate that you like the article and would love it if you continued sharing just the first paragraph of an article, then linking out to the rest of the piece on Dogster.com.

Dog products. We’re passionate about them, and we’ve been writing about them, testing them and purchasing them for years. So, we’re really excited to bring back the Editors’ Choice awards that Dogster did for years (as Dog Fancy). With a trio of judges possessing more than 25 years of experience each, we’ve pawed and dug our way through more than 60 products in the categories of gear, toys, clothing, housewares, cleaning and tech to find the ones we believe are at the top of their game in originality, ease of use, attractiveness to both pet and human and usefulness. Here, in no particular order, are the winners.

Stumptown Jacket: The word “love” was thrown around by the judges when describing this dog jacket. Everyone was impressed with the design, durability, attractiveness, weight and the leash peephole for harnesses. It also includes a latch instead of a Velcro closure for a better fit. It’s water repellent, has a reflective trim, comes in two colors and six sizes. $64.95. Ruffwear; ruffwear.com

Restcyble Bed: The judges wagged about this sturdy dog bed that retains its shape and is made from recyclable materials — perfect for using in the house or outside on the porch. The remov- able, machine-washable, recycled micro-suede sleeping surface is soft and long-wearing with a built-in pillow topper. The foam is made from repurposed, post-manufac- turing closed cell foam. Comes in Cloudburst Gray or Huckleberry Blue. $99.95. Ruffwear; ruffwear.com

Impact Harness: The Impact Harness is built to Federal Motor Vehicle Safety Standards created for child restraints. All the furry judges found the harness comfortable to wear, and their humans loved that it was crash tested and easily integrates into the cars’ seatbelt systems. Has four adjustment points and comes in S, M, L and XL. $84.99. Kurgo; kurgo.com

SureFeed Microchip Pet Feeder Connect: A clever product that works great for feeding pets that need frequent meals, say our human judges. This automatic feeder works for both wet and dry food, has an LED guide to help you portion food correctly and removable parts for easy cleaning. Get the Hub ($62), so the feeder connects to the Sure Petcare app, where you can monitor when and how much your dog eats. $179.99. Sure Petcare; surepetcare.com

LickiMat Soother & LickiMat Buddy: “Easy to use,” “easy to clean,” “works great” are words the judges used to describe these two boredom busters. These mats promote calm behavior by distracting your pet during a stressful time. Just spread a tasty treat on them and let the repetitive licking soothe your dog, releasing calming endorphins. Freeze for cold treats on hot days. $6 to $10.99. Hyper Pet LLC.; hyper-pet.com

Baxter Dog Backpack: Our furry judges wore these backpacks hiking and at the beach. Easy to put on, good fit and right size were used to describe it, and one human found it nice to have her dog carry some of her own stuff. This durable saddlebag has eight adjustment points, ergonomic spine support and perfect balance. Also has a large handle on the back. Comes in three colors and two sizes: the Baxter and the Big Baxter. $57.99. Kurgo; kurgo.com

PupRug Faux Fur Orthopedic Dog Bed: All dogs loved it right away, agree the judges. It’s filled with premium, long-lasting memory foam, and the soft faux fur cover is removable and washable. Has a non-skid bottom. Comes in two styles — curve white and rectangle gray — and three sizes — S/M, L/XL and Giant. $119-$199. Paw.com; paw.com

Evercare Stickey Roller Pet Collection: “These sticky rollers work great — better than any other roller I have tried when it comes to removing pet hair,” says one judge. And, although the judges sat up and begged for the entire collection, their favorites were the Evercare Giant Extra Sticky T-Handle Roller (70 layer) and the Evercare Mega Extra Sticky Roller (25 layer). The Giant worked great on furniture, and the Mega’s roller with the long handle was perfect for rugs. The whole collection has extra sticky adhesive and each sheet is razorcut, so it’s easy to tear. Available at Target. $4.49/Giant and $12.99/ Mega. Evercare; evercare.cleanerhomeliving.com Crazy Crew Toys: We tested both the Super Squeaking Deploraball and the Treat Dispensing Punky Ballster in this line of interactive and durable dog toys that roll, squeak, bounce and/or can be stuffed with goodies. Both received major tail wags from our judges — dogs and humans; the words “love them” and “tough” were used a lot. Available at amazon.com. $12.99/Punky Ballster and $6.99/Deploraball. Hyper Pet LLC; hyper-pet.com

Pet Driver’s License ID Tags: These customizable Pet ID tags look like real driver’s licenses. The collar tags are lightweight. The human judges thought they were fun and cute and great conversation starters about making sure your dog always has ID. Fill out the information and send in a photo, and the company sends you the license and three smaller versions for tags/keychains. Available for all U.S. states plus Canada. $19.95. MyPetDMV;mypetdmv.com

Car-Go Pop-Up Portable Kennel: Need comfortable, quick and safe containment in your home, car, hotel, RV or for waiting between dog events? You’ll love this popup kennel as much as the judges. It’s really easy to set up and take down. Just remove from the carrying case with its padded shoulder strap and give it a shake. Made to fit on the seats of most vehicles. Available in many sizes, shapes and a multitude of colors and prints. $110-$240. Sturdi Products Inc.; sturdiproducts.com

Everence Bracelet: What’s not to love about a handcrafted custom-beaded bracelet with semi-precious stones and sterling silver accents? And Everence takes it one step further — the bead is made from your pet’s DNA. Order the kit for your pet, and swab his mouth or order a kit to take DNA from your passed pet’s cremains. “I love the idea of carrying a little bit of my dog with me when I wear it,” says one judge. Customize the stones, bead colors and clasp styles. $129/one bead, $159/two beads and $199/three beads. Everence; everence.life

HPZ Pet Rover Prime Stroller & XL Stroller: Four paws up for these strollers. Great for daily use, plus they are wonderful for injured or senior dogs. Two of the judges had dogs with health issues and used the strollers so the dogs were still able to get outside for fresh air and mental stimulation. We loved the XL’s cup hold- er, expandable front and rear compart- ments, soft handles and how easy it is to put together. The Prime version has its own perk as a three-in-one product that also serves as a car seat and carrier. $196.86/XL and $209.86/Prime. HPZ; petroverusa.com

Petsafe Drinkwell 2-Gallon Pet Fountain: The judges loved how much fresh, flowing water the fountain held. All the dogs enjoyed it and, appar- ently, one of the cats, too! Another plus: There’s an adjustable flow control over the water stream where you can choose from nearly silent circulation on the lowest setting to a tranquil stream on the highest. $69.99. PetSafe; petsafe.com

Piddle Pads: Style, colors, usability, excellent, say our judges. Poured a whole glass of water on it to see if it would go through. It didn’t. Washes perfectly. Great if you have a puppy, an older dog or just want to protect furniture from a little leakage. Eco-friendly, the soft microfleece has an absor- bent middle layer that wicks mois- ture. 29 x 29 inches in size. $14.95. Dr. Judy Morgan Naturally Healthy Pets; drjudymorgan.com

Klimb Dog Training Platform: “I love this for training, and the dogs love it, too,” says one of our judges. “They jump on it because they have so much fun getting trained.” This platform is crafted to be just large enough for a dog. To remain perched on it, a dog must have “quiet feet,” which requires a focused mind for effective training. It’s easy to put together and can be used to train a variety of things — just watch the video that walks you through it. $159.95. Blue-9 Pet Products; blue-9.com

Blaze Cross Dog Shoes: These are some protective dog shoes — made of water-resistant, tightly woven nylon mesh and breathable synthetic leather upper, plus a sole designed to mimic the structure of the dog’s pads. They have a great fit due to the double closure around the ankle. Judges found them well-made, easy to put on and perfect for hiking long distance in rugged terrain. Sizes XS to XL. $63.99/set of four. Kurgo; kurgo.com

Andis Cordless Nail Grinder: The Cordless Nail Grinder has six different speeds to take on your dog’s nail job, no matter the size. It runs for three hours on a single charge. Comfortable and easy to use, the judges like that it was cordless, not too loud and makes doing nails at home so much easier. $54.99. Andis Company; andis.com

Up Country Collars: Great colors, patterns and fit — all the judges agree that Up Country’s collars are something to bark out loud about. The judges tested the Funky Fish, Pink Madras and Evil Genius patterns. All ribbon collars come in a variety of lengths and in three widths. Stain and fray resistant; the collar ribbons are designed to last a lifetime. $23. Up Country; upcountryinc.com

Spina Organics All-Natural Grooming Products: While our human and furry judges enjoyed Spina Organics’ whole line of grooming products, these three in particular wowed. The Miracolo Oil Hot Spot Treatment works great, and the judges loved that it was organic. The Fur Detangler Leave-In Conditioner was amazing in how it left the fur so smooth and smelling great. The Daily Facial Cleanse really cleaned plus was easy to use. $17.50/9 ounce and $3/2.2 ounce for Daily Facial Cleanse; $16/9 ounce and $3/2.2 ounce for Fur Detangler Leave-In Conditioner; $25/1-ounce Miracolo Oil Hot Spot Treatment. Spina Organics; spinaorganics.com

Metro Balls: “Held up well with our chewer,” describes one of our human judges. “Tough with a good bounce … Holds up to his constant chomping,” says another. Made with nontoxic felt, these fun and bright dog balls contain no toxic gas. Size is 21⁄2 inches and available colors are pink, orange, black, seafoam and yellow. (Mini balls at 2 inches for smaller dogs are also available). $12.99/pack of three. Metro Paws; metropaws.com

Dog Med Laser: The only home-use certified Low Level Laser that can be used on dogs (and cats) suffering from osteoarthri- tis, hip and elbow dysplasia, spinal disk conditions and patellar luxation. This laser does not burn, does not generate heat and there are no risks to the eyes. “After reading and fol- lowing the directions carefully, the laser was easy to use and my dog seemed to really enjoy the soothing motion of the brush while using the laser,” says one of the judges. $499. Remedia Laser Systems Ltd.; dogmedlaser.com

Honorable mentions …

Two products we loved enough to give them a special mention.

Bergan by Coastal Backpack Style Carrier Have you ever been on a long hike where your dog gets tired or perhaps he’s getting up in years and needs a little help? You’ve probably looked for a backpack just like this — with padded straps for comfortable carrying and mesh windows for your dog to look out and expandable pockets for all your pup’s stuff. Our judges liked it for its ease of portability and use, plus its soft, machine-washable base. Comes in one size and one color. $69.99. Coastal Pet Products, Inc.; coastalpet.com

The Pet Gazebo Looking for something pretty different to a traditional crate or kennel solution? The portable Pet Gazebo can fit into a home, outdoor entertaining area or even go camping. It comes with a neutral Earth Taupe canopy (although five additional canopy styles are available) and four sizes (3, 4, 5 or 8 foot). The canopy is also available in a reversible weather-resistant canopy. Judges liked that it was sturdy, attractive, easy to use and tall enough to go in and clean. $129-$459. The Pet Gazebo; petgazebo.com

Meet This Year’s Editors’ Choice Judges

Jill Breitner, an animal advocate and dog body language expert/dog trainer, has been helping people help their dogs for over 40 years. The opportunity to test these products with her companions offered delight for her and for them. Their thrill couldn’t be contained. Enrichment abounded with each package. What fun!

Melissa L. Kauffman has worked in the pet world for more than 25 years in a variety of magazines and websites from Pet Product News, Aquarium Fish, Ferrets, Rabbits and Bird Talk to Catster and Dogster. Her dogs Justice and Tampa have been modeling for said magazines since they were puppies and are amazing, experienced pet-product testers. Also, let’s give a shout-out to Boston Terrier Boomer, Morkie Karma and Cockapoo Baby for lending a paw testing out products, too.

Audrey Pavia is a former managing editor of Dog Fancy magazine and former senior editor of the American Kennel Club Gazette. A member of Dog Writers Association of America, she has written hundreds of articles on dogs for a variety of publications and is the author of The Labrador Retriever Handbook (Barrons). Audrey lives in Norco, California, with her rescue dogs Candy and Mookie, who had a great time testing this year’s fun and innovative products.

Poop4U Blog via www.Poop4U.com Dogster Admin, Khareem Sudlow

#cute dog #dogs of tumblr #puppy doggo #doglover #doggrooming #my doggo #dogmeme #poop4u #blog

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thebeckychronicles · 7 years

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Post 13: Ode to my hair: you grow back, but self-love takes work

This took about a week to write.

Wrote this while crying so I imagine there’s a lot of typos  This is gonna be another long, rambly one friends.

I’ve been dreading writing this, because writing this means that it’s actually happening. My hair is falling out and my nails are turning black. This poison in my body is letting it’s presence be known in a much more physical way. I forget how easy it is to be optimistic when you’re feeling well. Although I have been dealing with nausea, fatigue, shortness of breath and dizziness this chemo round; my reaction to it was definitely not as severe as it was my first chemo round. Basically I feel shitty all the time but not insofar that I’m constantly reminded of the fact that I have cancer. Which is a blessing, and I’ll take. To some degree it’s easier to ignore that I’m sick when I don’t look it. Even right now, as a significant amount of my hair has fallen out, no one would look at me and think “that girl has cancer.” More importantly I’m not reminded of my sickness every time I look in the mirror. Soon that’s gonna change. There’ll be no escaping my diagnosis, no looking in the mirror and not thinking about it anymore. No more not thinking of myself as a cancer patient. This is my new reality. And it’s a painful one.

Let me be clear. This is a weird kind of vanity. I wonder if this is hitting me the hardest of everything I’ve gone through thus far because the only thing I find remarkable about myself is my hair. Don’t know. I don’t really care what other people will think of my appearance. I wonder if I’ll be able to handle my new appearance. I worry I won’t like the way I look. Right now for the most part I like my body, my hair, my appearance. And accepting the fact that I have no control over how cancer is changing my body is difficult. More than anything I worry that every time I look in the mirror all I’ll see is a cancer patient and not a person, not Jenni.

I initially started writing this post Thursday night and am now finishing it off Wednesday night. What prompted this outpouring of word vomit and barely strung together thoughts? I’m coming in to my third week since initially starting treatment and as I was warned my hair has started to fall out. The first time I noticed my hair falling out was last week Friday when I was in the shower. Before I got sick, when I washed and brushed my hair in the shower some would fall out or get pulled out by the brush. This time, I noticed long chunks of hair coming away with my hands and brush. It was a weird out of body experience and I felt apathetic more than anything, at the moment I felt pretty numb and more like, “Oh that’s a new development.”

I didn’t tell my parents about the hair loss, just my sister. I feel like my reaction was pretty mild, which surprised us both considering anyone that knows me knows how attached to my hair I am. Overall, I feel like my reaction to my diagnosis has been pretty mild. I haven’t really felt a downpour of intense emotion. My sister and I had actually been talking about how I haven’t had much of a reaction to the situation I find myself in, which I don’t know is good or bad.

It didn’t really hit me until today as I was writing this, and what prompted me to finish this draft was I took a shower yesterday and more hair fell out. Enough hair to make a small bunny (I’ve named said bunny Gilbert). Yesterday I made an appointment to cut my hair even shorter than it is, I don’t think I can handle seeing the amount of hair I have on the shower floor again. I hadn’t really thought about the hair loss too in depth. But now I have. And I think I’m having some sort of Freudian moment where all that I should’ve been processing in a healthy manner rather than unconsciously suppressing comes and bites me in the ass, hard. Had I known my reaction was going to be so intense when dealing with the more apparent sides of cancer, I’d have tried to have dealt with these emotions upfront. It wasn’t until my shower yesterday, where even more hair fell out that I actually started panicking, and this time, I didn’t sit down in the shower because I was exhausted. So much was falling out that I worried that when I looked at myself in the mirror after my shower I’d be left with no hair (Not the case.) To other people my hair loss may not be noticeable really, because my hair is big and curly but trust- I be knowing.

It’s not that I haven’t accepted that I have cancer. I mean getting prodded and poked with needles every week and the chemo side effects are pretty real, but it’s more like it feels like I’m watching from the sidelines as this happens to someone else. It’s hard to explain. Every time I think I’m finally tapping into some emotion more appropriate than apathy and sarcasm and finally being okay with what’s happening to me something spectacular happens and it’s like I’m at square one all over again. I feel like I’m living this strange dichotomy where I’m always thinking about my diagnosis, at the same time it’s not always at the forefront of my mind. For example, while in the shower yesterday when I first noticed large clumps of hair hitting the shower floor and covering my hands I panicked and my first thought, “oh my god, why is this happening?” Don’t know if its chemo brain or what that made me forget that I have cancer, I’m pumping my body full of chemicals and that this is par for the course- but forget I did. Somehow I had forgotten I’m in chemo and that hair loss is one of the side effects.

I hated my hair from early childhood to around 16 years old. Anyone that has seen me grow up knows I spent most of my formative years wearing my hair back, in a tight bun. I grew up in a predominantly white suburb. Most of my peers were white, blonde, blue-eyed straight haired children. And I envied them. I’m not sure when I became painfully aware how different I looked from most of the people surrounding me. Sometime in junior high I think. The beauty standard I learned through interactions between my classmates, social media and pop culture was the total opposite of me and my big, dark curly hair and brown skin and brown eyes. I didn’t want to be noticed. I didn’t want to stand out. Because being noticed meant the absolute contrast between myself and the white beauty standards of the world we live in would also be noticed. I couldn’t change my skin color, or my eye color (and at the time I desperately wanted to.) My hair has always been the biggest indicator of my brownness besides my skin color. And because the thing most people notice about me is my hair I decided I needed to hide it in buns or braids. Never wear it down, never let anyone touch it. My hair has always been a complicated part of my identity, and for so long I tried to hide it because maybe then I’d be a little closer to that beauty standard that was never meant for me. Then I found YouTube (you can laugh) and ALL these videos of brown and black girls rocking their big, curly hair; doing tutorials, wash n go’s, how to’s, different styles for curly hair. If these girls could reclaim and own their natural curly hair, I could too. Even after finding and connecting with other brown and black curly girls I still struggled and it wasn’t until the end of junior year that I started wearing my hair down, that I started loving my brown body. That I in whatever way, shape or form I was in became my own beauty standard. I struggled fam, I struggled real hard for a long time. Growing up brown as hell in a world of white and frankly racist beauty standards does a hell of a number on a brown girl’s self-esteem.

All this to say, my hair holds a lot of significance to me. Love, self-acceptance, reclamation to start. My hair says, “this body won’t apologize for the space it takes up.” My hair says, “This body is enough.” My hair reminds me that, just as I am, I am worthy of self-acceptance and love. Maybe it seems a little ridiculous to put so much weight in something like hair, but it’s the truth. It seems like a cruel joke that after battling for so long and finally learning to love myself and my hair I’m forced to say goodbye to it, however temporarily. It seems vindictively ironic that now I’m so broken up by the loss of something that I resented and hated for so long.

I’m trying to stay positive right now but it’s hard. Recently, when discussing my hair loss with someone special to me they told me that when you get comfortable that’s when you get pushed to grow. Well God, I’m feeling your push. And I don’t like it.

Realities of losing your hair: - There’s no forgetting that you’re sick - There’s no hiding the fact that you’re sick - How terrible I’m feeling on the inside seems to now be catching up with how I look on the outside - You’re terrified of washing your hair or taking a shower because you don’t want to see how much hair is gonna fall out this time. - You don’t want anyone touching your hair because every time you do; more comes away - Your sister will tell you that it doesn’t show but you know. You know. - You haven’t gotten your eyebrows waxed since your diagnosis because you don’t want to unnecessarily lose hair before you have to. - You wonder what you’ll look like without eyebrows or eyelashes. Luckily fake eyebrows and eyelashes are all the rage. (I don’t mean that all sarcastically.) - You’re terrified to look in the mirror - I can take medication for the bone pain, I can take iron supplements to treat my anemia, I can eat ginger chews and drink water to try to stave off the nausea but there’s no quick or remotely easy fix to the hair loss. - No one tells you when you have curly hair that even though you washed and detangled your hair two days ago the hair that is no longer attached to your scalp but still on your head will become a tangled matted mess. - You don’t realize how much hair you actually have until it starts falling out and you’re staring at it on the floor - After your shower where a significant amount of hair fell out, you won’t bother getting dressed and will cry on your mom’s shoulder, dressed in only a towel with your thinned out hair soaking her t-shirt, while your little brothers stand on the other side of the door. - I’M SAD BUT ITS STILL LIT

Love letter to my hair and body;

Body forgive me For all the times I didn’t know how to love you- the way you’ve always loved me. What to do when your body turns on you? Body forgive me that I only began to love you when you began to fail me. What does this say about me? That I want you most when I can’t have you? Forgive me For wanting to escape you When all you wanted was to be accepted. Will all this love be undone, now that you are changing? I’m sorry you were only my safe space for a short time. I promise to do better. See you soon Jenni

#hodgkins lymphoma #the Becky chronicles #cancer sucks #but life doesn't have to #self love #curly hair #white beauty standards #hair loss #self acceptance #i'm sad but its still lit

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