#julien baker angst

[gingerjolover]

Sleep it off - Julien Baker x Reader

Sypnosis: Julien has had a rough few weeks, resulting in some conflict with her soft!gf :(

G's notes: I am so sorry I am flaky, I hope this long one makes up for it :') Also I'm sure Julien is a great partner, this is in no way meant to be taken as the truth

WC: somewhere around 5.7 k (i'm not sorry)

Warnings: RPF, angst, fluff, some anti-cig comments, smoking, mental health struggles, light arguing, mean/stressed!julien, light touching, kissing, no fundamental physical descriptors besides hair that can be pushed away from your face?

Julien sits outside; the darkening sky and pre-spring chill surround her. The porch stairs are cold under her jeans, goosebumps on her arms as she strums absent-mindedly; her ¾ sleeve shirt provides little comfort from the breeze.

She’s been in better moods before, that’s for sure.

The impending album release and subsequent press tour put pressure on every bone in her body, her chest tight. She’s stoked, obviously, to be able to release another project with her best friends in the world. The project that gave her a voice ignited her will to live, pushing her further out of her comfort zone and simultaneously pulling her into a warm embrace. 

Even in her gratefulness, she’s annoyed. The lack of sleep, an upcoming busy schedule, and the numerous cigarette butts on the ground contribute to her sour mood. She’s happy, happier than she’s ever been. To finally be home, her dogs padding across the floor, and her beautiful partner cooking dinner in the kitchen should be reasons enough to forgo the attitude, but it rises quickly and sticks to her bones like the chill. 

“Babe?” 

Julien can hear you call from somewhere in the house. The front door is wide open, and the mesh of the porch door allows the breeze to filter in and cool down the warming house. Julien can hear the dog's nails tapping against the wood floor. 

She turns her head in your direction, fingers still moving on the guitar. “I’m outside,” she calls, humming a melody. 

“Jules?” you call again, obviously not hearing your girlfriend’s response the first time. 

A loud sigh escapes Julien's mouth before she can stop it, rolling her eyes at the second inquiry of her location. Her hands pause on the guitar, grumbling as she holds it in one hand by the neck and stands up, leaning against the column on the porch, making no effort to go inside. “Yeah, baby, I’m out here,” she responds, her tone dripping in annoyance. 

“Oh, there you are!” you say brightly, trying to ignore your girlfriend’s obvious irritation.

She’s been snappy since she got home a day and a half ago, the stress building up in her body, crawling out like a monster; her first instinct recently is to direct her frustration at the closest uninvolved party. 

Your hair was messy, eyes sleepy, and cheeks flushed, causing Julien to relax her face, a crooked smile appearing softly. She feels at peace staring at you. Her obvious agitations calm momentarily, her guitar heavy in her hand. “What did you need, baby?” she asks softly, the guilt of her previous irritation already creeping in. 

“Pasta or rice with dinner?” you ask, standing in the doorway, the porch too cold even for your fuzzy sock-clad feet. 

“Pasta… I’m in the mood for pasta, babe…thank you,” she says gratefully. Leaning against the porch’s railing, her eyes look up and down your bare legs, the oversized boygenius crewneck falling mid-thigh. Julien is thanking the universe for the misprints of the crewneck, your lack of pants leaving little to her imagination, cheeks heating up staring at you. 

“Okay,” you respond softly, leaning out of the porch door, puckering your lips towards Julien. 

She chuckles lightly, stepping towards you, one hand on your cheek and leaving a sweet kiss on your lips. She presses a few more pecks before pulling away, eyes closed. 

“Hey baby…”

“Hi?” you whisper back, watching Julien’s eyes flutter. She stares into your eyes lovingly. “You’re so cute,” Julien murmurs, her hand running down your leg, caressing your knee softly before kissing the corner of your mouth. 

“I love you… you know that, right?” Julien asks her tone almost a little pleading.

Your eyes soften, seeing the conflict in her face. “I know…I love you too…” you whisper back, kissing her nose. 

“Can we just…lay down? You, me, the dogs… just cuddle in bed, watch shitty tv or read or… whatever. I just…need some grounding,” she asks, practically a plea to rekindle some normalcy. 

“You okay?” you ask, rubbing the lines between her brows, her face in a slight frown. “Dinner first, then I’m all yours, deal?” you suggest, keeping the tone light. 

“Deal! Now let’s go inside; I’m freezing my ass off out here,” she says dramatically, opening the porch door wider. 

“I told you to put on a hoodie!” 

“I don’t need a hoodie, I have your body to keep me warm… my lil space heater,” she teases, pinching your ass as she pushes you inside and shuts the front door. 

"Babe, can I ask you something?" She asks, her voice becoming a little more serious.

“Yeah?” you call from the kitchen, stirring dinner in a Dutch oven.

"You know how you always feel better at home... do you ever think we make each other too comfortable? Like, you know, we get into a relationship slump almost when we're at home together because we feel comfortable enough to be ourselves... does that make any sense?" she pauses, stepping away from the door and making her way into the kitchen, leaning against the wall as she stares at you. She was still nervous about the answer she would receive, but she figured it was at least worth starting a conversation about.

“Hmmm, I mean… maybe? But you’re touring most of the year anyway, so I guess… I don’t know, I kind of relish when we get comfortable… because I know it’s not forever, and I try to enjoy it when I can,” you say softly, the direction of this conversation slightly worrying. 

"You're happy, though? I make you happy?" she asks, a hopeful look in her eyes, the answer being the most important thing in her mind. It was almost an anxiety-inducing question for her, as if she needed you to tell her without a shred of doubt. She needed to be satisfied with where the relationship was, needed to know that you were actually happy and in such a good place mentally and emotionally. It was the most important thing to Julien.

“I— yeah… I’m happy, I’m— I’m really happy…” you say, turning around. “Are you— not happy?” you ask nervously, fearing Julien's bad mood indicates something deeper.

Julien quickly shakes her head, "God no, I'm incredibly happy, babe. I just want to make sure you're happy too..." she quickly closes the space between you two, holding your hips. Julien plants a sweet, quick kiss on each of your cheeks, her hand moving to rest on your head as she speaks.  "You're my girl, I love you so much..."

You nod, smiling nervously as you relish the normal affection from Julien, having missed it the last 36 hours. “I love you too,” you reassure. 

"My baby..." Julien murmurs before she pushes her mouth against yours. She wraps around your torso, pressing her body flush with yours, lips connecting and tongues meeting. Julien felt her hands wander as she continued the kiss, running her left hand under your crewneck and back. It was a passionate kiss of desire and love; she wanted so desperately for you to feel how much she loved you. 

“Hmph,” you pull away, breathing heavily; there’s a stale cigarette taste as you pull away. “How many cigarettes did you smoke out there?” you murmur teasingly.

Julien broke the kiss to answer your question, looking you straight in the eyes as she did. She was caught. Of course, Julien would never admit to it, but she couldn't hide it from you. You are the one person on the planet who could read her like a book, and Julien felt no shame. "Five... not even kidding."

“Babe!” you exclaim softly, typically finding it hot that Julien smokes, but combined with her exhaustion and bad attitude, it's worrying. Julien playfully sticks her tongue, mistaking your worry for banter. "Babe, you try being outside in practically a t-shirt and jeans in 30-degree weather for more than five minutes with the wind whipping around you and tell me you wouldn't have wanted to hit a cigarette to calm your damn nerves!"

“You could’ve come back in!” You sigh, chuckling at her excuse, ignoring that Julien said, ‘Hit a cigarette,’ alluding to just one. 

“Babe, I— never mind,” you say softly, rubbing your temples, pulling away from Julien, and starting to stir the pot on the stove again.

Julien rolled her eyes, "No, no, you can't pull the 'never mind' thing on me; I know you, I know what you're about to say, so please, give it to me straight... I've been smoking too much lately, haven't I?"

“Among other things,” you mumble under your breath. “You’re supposed to tour in just a few months. You’re about to go on a press tour and do all these acoustic sets, and I’m worried about you and your voice,” you say, her voice firm and worried.

Julien quickly interjected, the frustration seeping into her tone. "What other things? What the hell is going on, babe? I feel like I'm missing something, so please just be blunt. I want to work on these things, but I can't if I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Please tell me." Julien knew what was wrong, but she didn’t like being called out on it. She subconsciously ignored that her agitation was why you’re off in the first place.

“You’re just snappy, Jules, like you get so annoyed with me so quick, and I’m not even doing anything,” you breathe out, unsure how your worried comment pushed her so far so quickly.

Julien laughs, exasperated at your comment, placing her hands on your shoulders and looking into your eyes. "Babe, you can't be serious... I have been working my ass off on my album; I'm stressed, I haven't seen you in weeks, and I am quite literally physically exhausted. I'm sorry that my attitude has been shitty, but let's take a second to think about where it's coming from, okay?"

“I’m not attacking you, Julien, you asked what was wrong, and I told you. I know you’re stressed. I never said that you weren’t, but it’s not fair to me,” you say quietly, surprised by her outburst.

"It's not fair to you? You haven't seen my ass in weeks, and I come home stressed and worried about my career and how I will be able to juggle this new album with a tour, and suddenly I'm the bad guy for being snappy? That sounds like an issue with you, not me! If you know I'm stressed and you know why, then you should understand that this is a part of my career, babe. It's just the way it is." Julien says, her voice harsh and defensive. 

“Okay, I—“ You say, taking a shuddering breath, holding your head in your hands, breathing for a moment while trying to formulate your thoughts and figure out how this went so south so fast. 

"No!" Julien snaps, interjecting before you can even start to respond, your shuddering breath setting her off. "Don't try to do that thing where you turn it all on me and make me the bad guy because you start crying because you don’t like what I said. I love you, I love you so goddamn much, but…”

“I didn’t even say anything!” You interrupt, exasperated. “I was literally thinking, I don’t know where all this anger came from; I’m not trying to fight with you,” your voice thick with emotion, not understanding why Julien is acting like this because it’s not her normal behavior.

Julien sighs heavily. Suddenly, she knew her anger was irrational, and she felt terrible letting it get this far in the first place. She could only blame her worries and stress for how she behaved. She wanted to push every ounce of it onto you because you were an easy target at the moment. The only issue was that you did not deserve to be treated that way, and she needed to apologize.

"Baby, I... I..." A pause filled the room for a second before she spoke. "I'm sorry, baby. I shouldn't have yelled at you like that."

“Just— go cool off, Jay,” you say, wiping your tears and turning to the stove. 

"Babe, you know I can't just leave mid-fight, not when I'm in the wrong. Yes, I was being an ass; I have been an ass for a couple of weeks now, and I'm realizing that now. So please, just let me apologize properly, okay?" Julien asked, now standing behind you, feeling very guilty about her words and tone.

“Julien, I love you, but I really don’t want to talk to you right now…” you say, voice shaky.

"I understand that, babe, but I need to talk to you. I'm struggling, okay? Not just with my work, but I know I'm pushing you away, and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of it, and I just want everything back on track because I've felt like I've been out of control lately, and I feel like I've lost sight of what's really important, and that's you, baby, you're what's important." Julien murmurs, speaking from her heart. She doesn’t know where her harsh words came from; watching your face fall and seeing you turn around breaks her heart.

“Just go,” you dismiss her harshly. 

Julien was quiet for a few seconds, her mouth opening and closing like a fish. The silence that filled the kitchen was deafening as Julien felt like part of her heart had just been crushed. She didn't want to leave like this. She needed to make this right.

"Honey... please..." Julien pleads.

“I just need a minute to myself, okay?”

Julien sighs heavily and takes a step back. She knew she had to respect your wishes in this moment, as much as she desperately needed to be close to you. "Okay. I'm going to go for a walk, okay? Please... I don’t want to go to bed like this," she whispers, her eyes filling with tears as she realizes at that moment what a toll all of her behavior and stress had taken on your relationship. She hated it.

“Take the dogs,” you whisper. 

"Okay..." she responds softly, opening the door quietly and leashing the two dogs out before looking at you briefly. She didn't need a verbal response to know you were mad. She would make this right, but not now, not when you needed space. She had finally noticed her wrongs and would do anything it took to make things right. "See you soon..." she whispers before closing the door behind her in defeat.

When Julien leaves, the dam breaks and your sobs are loud; unsure how everything escalated so fast.

. 

As soon as she was outside, Julien let out the breath she had been holding in, her whole body trembling with emotion. She knew she had pushed a lot and never wanted to get to that point with you. After one or two more deep breaths, Julien began to walk down the road, the cold air hitting her almost immediately. Her mind was reeling from the entire conversation; the conversation that should have been a playful banter just turned harsh before she realized it. 

Julien facetimes Phoebe and Lucy, the dogs tugging at their leashes, expecting Julien to speed up walking through the small suburban neighborhood. She explains the fight, both of them siding with you, not so much about the cigarettes but about how Julien has been quick to anger recently. 

Julien's voice was shaky with emotion as she spoke with her friends. The cold night air was not helping as she sucked in deep breaths between sentences, trying to level her breathing. Both of them ask the same thing. "Have you told her you're sorry?” and “What were you thinking?!” 

“You act like an ass post travel babe,” Lucy says, without remorse. “Have you been sleeping?” 

"Look guys, I— it's just... I was in a bad mood, and I took it out on her, which is totally not okay, and she's in her right to be mad at me; she's been putting up with my bullshit for God knows how long, and I'm just..." Julien trails off. “Sleep has not been coming easy…” she sighs. 

“Look, she loves you so much… we know she’ll forgive you, but maybe hear her out, don’t get angry… you’re usually so well-spoken and eloquent,” Lucy says on the tiny screen, only visible from her nose and above. 

"I— I know I'm just-- I'm a massive fucking idiot. I don't understand why she puts up with me sometimes. I can only imagine what she's thinking about me right now. I need to fix this; I just... I hope she forgives me. She deserves better, so much better, man." Julien's voice wavered with emotion.

“She doesn’t put up with you, JB. You’re in a relationship, and she’s like…so down to have a conversation, and I’m sure it can’t be easy for her to see you struggle, and she probably empathizes– you just got all on her ass about it,” Phoebe says, her tone soft but firm. 

"I know... I know this... you guys are right. I'll go back there and talk to her, apologize, grovel, and do whatever it takes to make this right. She loves me. I know that. I know, and I love her even more, and I've been taking that for granted, so I just— I need to make this right, even if it means I have to kiss her ass for the rest of my life, yeah?” She says, breathing heavily, feeling slightly less terrible at this time.

“Let us know how it goes. Or if you need anything?” Lucy says softly, Phoebe agreeing.

"I will, yeah... I love you guys; thank you so much. I feel a little better. Can you just tell me that I really am a dipshit right now?" she asks, laughing.

“You’re a fucking idiot, JB,” Lucy laughs loudly. “But we love you!” Phoebe concurs. 

“Go get your girl!” Phoebe says. “And kiss her for me,” Lucy teases.

"Oh my God, Luce, shut your filthy mouth… and I will," Julien teases back in response. The laugh that escaped her lips was relieving.

Julien says goodbye to the band and starts the walk home. Wiping the dogs' paws before taking off their leashes, she lets them into the house, following them into the kitchen where you are cleaning the kitchen, seemingly finished cooking dinner.

Julien pads into the kitchen, still feeling very emotional. Your demeanor tells her what she needs to know. You’re definitely upset, maybe angry. She would just have to continue working on things and hope for the best. She wasn't going to push it tonight. "Hey..." she says meekly. 

“Hi,” your voice is as meek and quiet as Julien’s, avoiding eye contact as you praise the dogs, giving them treats. 

"Listen, I'm sorry, I know I was an absolute jackass today. You didn't deserve any of that... None of that was aimed towards you. Everything built up and poured out of me, and it was just a shitty day." she pauses, moving closer to you. You can feel her staring at you with glassy eyes. "Can you please look at me?"

Looking at Julien post-sobbing proves to be more challenging than the fight itself; showing her how badly her words affected you almost brings…shame? And for what you’re not sure. Your nose is wet and your eyes puffy as you have a hard time looking at the love of your life, usually so gentle and articulate. 

Julien feels even more guilt-ridden at seeing you upset. She hadn't seen you this upset in such a long time, your relationship so well-rounded, and your communication skills top-tier regardless of conflict. Julien immediately goes to you, pushing your hair away from your face. Julien pulls you into a hug, kissing your cheek softly over and over. 

"I am so, so sorry... For everything, I love you, you know that?"

“Mhm,” you nod, only half leaning into Julien. 

"Do you love me?" she asks, her voice quiet. The last thing she wanted to do was push you further away, but she needed to hear the words out loud. She now needed reassurance, although she knew she didn't deserve it.

“Yeah,” you say softly. 

"Do you love me enough to forgive me for being a jackass?" she asks, tears sliding down her cheeks as she looks at you. Julien did not want to sleep anywhere but in your arms tonight, her skin prickling at the thought this fight to cruise you both into uncharted territory.

“Mhm,” you barely nod, sniffling and looking at the floor. 

"Honey..." Julien's voice was a plea; she genuinely felt like a terrible girlfriend, and the one thing she needed right now was to make you feel better; forgiveness and reassurance would come at some point. She needed to know that you still loved her, even if you were mad. "Please... talk to me, baby, we can make this right if you let me fix it. Please say something."

“I don’t like that you blamed me for being upset that you’ve been snapping at me… that hurt my feelings,” you sniffle. “I don’t like this new thing where you take stuff out on me. I— I don’t deserve that. I know the last few weeks have been hard since we were apart, but you’re not the only one struggling when you’re away, Jay,” she sniffles again. “I wasn’t attacking you, I didn’t want to fight, I did what you asked me to, I told you what I was feeling, and you threw it back at me and said ‘it’s part of the job’ and that’s not fair, and frankly that’s bullshit because we’ve never had this issue in the years we’ve been together,” you say firmly, faux confidence seeping your tone as you lay everything out before your partner. 

"Wow... I feel like an absolute ass hearing you say it like that... I am so sorry. I don't know what came over me today... I'm so used to you giving me some playful smart-ass remark, and I know you're worried, but for some reason, it just ticked me off. I couldn’t stop from getting so angry… and I’m not blaming you right now. This isn’t an excuse; I just– I don’t know– regardless of what happened, you didn’t deserve me snapping at you," she grimaces, looking at you now with a sad and conflicted look in her eyes. " I feel terrible about blaming you for your own feelings about my actions. I'm an absolute jerk. I was stressed and took it out on you, which was incredibly unfair and unnecessary. I need to learn to cope with this better. You deserve a partner who does not let themselves take out stress and anger on you, and I've been letting myself do that with my bad moods." she places her hand on your cheek, now leaning your foreheads together. "I am so sorry… you know this isn’t me, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t wrong."

“I just— I don’t mean to lecture you, but you haven’t toured in over 6 months, and the number of cigs can’t be good for your voice, and I know you smoke a lot when you’re stressed, but it hurts that you don’t even talk to me about it you just immediately turn to cigarettes and then you get mad that I’m not aware of how you’re doing or what you’re going through,” you sigh, rubbing your eyes.

"I know... God, this sounds terrible when you put it like that. I have not been myself at all, baby. I've been lashing out for no reason, blaming you for things out of your control... I've been so selfish and shitty, and you do not deserve it, and I am so sorry." she continues, looking at her love with a look full of longing and regret. 

“I just need some space, I think,” you conclude sadly, a little unsure. 

Julien looks at you and nods. It was hard for her not just to scoop you up and run away with you, but she would give you the space you needed. She loves you too much to risk pushing you too far and was already walking on thin ice. 

"I love you, okay? If you need me, I'll be in my studio, and you can come get me anytime you're ready." she kisses you on the forehead affectionately. 

“Here,” you say, pushing the tray on the counter towards Julien, her dinner, some Advil, her favorite drink, and her meds on the tray. You were hoping to leave it on the counter for when she got home, but her returning sooner messed up your plans. 

Julien notices now the kitchen is clean, the dinner put away beside her plate. 

"Wait, is this for me?" Julien asks, a sad smile on her lips. The gesture's thoughtfulness was sweet, but it was apparent she had hurt you tonight and didn't deserve such love right now. “Did you eat?” 

“Yeah, it’s for you…I had a few bites, but I’m not hungry,” you breathe out. (Don't be skipping meals, babes x)

“I’m gonna go shower… can the dogs stay with you in your studio until I’m done?” you ask softly, changing the subject. 

"Yeah, yeah... I've got the dogs. Are you going to be in bed soon?" she asks, still wanting nothing more than to have you in bed with her tonight, but she figures it would be better for them if she just slept on the couch. That was the consequence of being a jackass and hurting the most important woman in her life.

“Maybe… just need to shower and stuff,” you say meekly, your usual soft behavior even softer now. 

"Okay babe... please... just come say goodnight to me once you're done..." Julien asks quietly, looking at you with pleading eyes. She wanted nothing more than to hug you and make this right but now wasn’t the time. She had to earn your presence again, and she knew that.

You nod, walking upstairs to their bedroom and jumping in the shower. 

Meanwhile Julien goes to her studio, the dogs lying on the couch in the room. She eats her dinner, picks around it before taking her meds and an Advil, and drinks water to alleviate the deep pain in her chest. 

After about an hour, you pad downstairs to Julien’s studio, her dinner and meds long gone. When you knock softly, Julien is watching a video and working on a song. “Am I interrupting?” your voice whispered, still respecting the studio's rules, in case Julien was working.

Julien pauses the video and turns around in her chair, looking at you with tired eyes. "No... No, not at all. I'd actually really appreciate the company right now, babe…”

“I just wanted to say goodnight… and grab Winnie,” you say meekly, still needing some space, leaving Blue, your bigger dog, with Julien. 

Julien felt a little sad, but she knew that was just one of the consequences of her actions tonight. She nodded and looked at you with hope in her eyes, wishing you would come closer. But she knew she was asking for too much right now. She stays in her chair and lets a small smile form. “Okay... goodnight, babe. I love you,” she whispers, feeling defeated.

“Love you,” you whisper, grabbing a sleeping Winnie, your smaller runt of a dog, and head back to your room. 

Julien listens to you climb the stairs and close the door. A silence she wasn't used to settled in the room. She hated fighting with you, and she hated herself for having no self-control tonight. She would have to give you room to breathe, the two of you never navigating conflict like this.

Blue looks up at Julien, tilting his head as if he could sense that his moms were fighting. 

Julien takes a deep breath and lifts Blue into her arms. The dog's comfort was something she desperately needed right now, even though he was too big to be cuddled like this. She felt her emotions rising as warm tears fell down her cheeks.

Blue happily nuzzles into Julien, licking the tears off her cheeks, wiggling a little, not fitting in Julien’s lap or her chair. 

Julien let out a little laugh as her legs and the edge of her desk were assaulted by Blue's wagging nub of a tail. She hugs him closer to her body and lets out a few more tears. This day was a mess; she just wanted to curl up in bed with you and forget everything. But that was off the table for the night, at least. She sighed and closed her eyes as Blue did his best to comfort her.

A few hours pass, and Julien eventually takes Blue outside, watching him go to the bathroom. The cold hair helps ground her momentarily before they both climb back up the stairs. 

Walking through the kitchen and towards the office, she sees you standing with your hand up near the door as if you were going to knock. She freezes up, not expecting to see you for the rest of the night. She smiles softly, your messy hair and sleepy eyes drooping. “Hi, sweet girl,” she says quietly. Blue runs up to your legs, headbutting you gently. 

“Hi,” you gulp. “I can’t sleep, can you… can you come to bed,” you ask anxiously.

Julien feels her heart swell as you ask her to come to bed. She nods, biting her lower lip in relief. She was so afraid that you were going to reject her now. She takes a step forward, closing the space between you both. "Are you sure, babe?" she asks, her voice soft and nervous like yours.

“If you don’t want to, it’s okay… I’ll be fine,” you say sheepishly. 

Julien can’t believe you would say that. Of course, she wants to go to bed with you. "No... I want to... I want to go to bed with you more than anything. I just... I'm worried that I'll hurt you tonight. I'm worried I will lay there and overthink all the shitty things I did tonight, and that will somehow make me say something mean to you again... and I don't want that tonight." she replies honestly. She knew you could sense her genuineness, even regarding her insecurities.

“We don’t have to talk tonight… I just, I already sleep so many nights alone, and I just… I want you next to me,” you respond, the distance already hurting, the thought of sleeping in the same house but not next to Julien cracking your heart despite the harshness from earlier lingering like a bad perfume. 

Julien's mouth spreads into a little smile. She was still anxious, given your conversation earlier, but she wanted nothing more than to hold you in her arms. It was all she needed right now. She steps closer now, kissing your lips before responding. "Then let's go to bed."

You nod, whistling for Blue to follow you as you head upstairs, leaving Julien to close up her studio and clean her plate.

Once she enters the dark bedroom, Julien closes the door behind herself and undresses, leaving only her underwear on. Her eyes were focused on your body lying in the bed. She honestly couldn't get over how beautiful you were. Her heart clenches in both love and sorrow all at once. Looking at you overwhelms her, and knowing she made you cry is worse than a punch in the gut.

 "Can I hold you, pretty girl?"

“Mhm,” you hum, turning over, another oversized misprinted boygenius t-shirt riding up your legs, boyshorts hugging your hips. 

Julien moves closer to you, hooking her leg over yours, now lying in an intimate 'C' shape. 

"Did you... did you know that you hum when you're nervous... or when you're happy?" Julien whispers, pulling your body closer as she kisses your clothed shoulder.

“Do I?” 

"Yeah, you do... You did it in the kitchen tonight, which almost broke my heart." Julien whispers. The love she feels for you bubbling up, overwhelming her chest, spilling out of her mouth.

“I didn’t notice that I did that.”

 "You do it when I hold you in your sleep, too. You hum and mumble in your sleep." Julien explains, voice soft. "It used to keep me awake, but now I look forward to it. I just... I love you so much it hurts."

"You smell so good..." she whispers, burying her nose into the back of your neck, relishing in the closeness.

“It’s that new body wash… something with rose or ginger or something,” you try to recall nonchalantly, your skin heating up at her chest flush your back, goosebumps rising on your arms and legs. 

Julien snickers softly. She doesn’t care what the body wash is, she just loves the way you smell. It was intoxicating, filling her with a sense of security and safety at the end of a long day. 

“Whatever it is, it’s amazing,” she says quietly, burying her face back into your neck. You hum again softly, eyes fluttering shut, finally comfortable and warm in bed.

Your little hums continued to play in Julien's mind as she tried to fall asleep herself, her eyes growing heavy as the day's events finally catch up to her. She knows there is work to be done in the name of forgiveness. The impending distance looming over her head, there’s only so much time until she’s traveling again and leaving you behind. But for now, you’re in her arms, and the best she can do in the middle of the night is sleep it off.

#julien baker x reader #anon cutie requested #julien baker angst #julien baker #gingerjoelover #boygenius

[outofmydepthatapublicbeach]

to fall in deeper - Julien Baker x lacy!reader

jj chats: this has been one of the longest things ive written on this account and i am very proud of it!!! i hope this lives up to any expectations!!! also i recommend reading the first part before reading this it is linked here!

word count: almost 2000!!!

warnings: RPF, use of y/n, reader is a musician/famous, julien is kinda mean, someone passes out (not the reader, the boys or muna), reader calls julien 'jay'.

inspired by the request: i lovvved your love Julien fic based on lacy SO much!!! you’re crazy talented <3 would you consider writing more parts of it? 🎀🩷 like maybe how julien falls more and more in love and maybe an eventual angry love confession from julien, and their first date/kiss?

feedback is encouraged and i'd love to get some just please be kind!!!

When MUNA went on tour, they asked their dear friends to perform as openers. It was on billboards and spread across social media: “Boygenius and (Y/N): openers for The Greatest Band in the World”. All parties were ebullient, another few months of music, laughter, and fun. Everyone except Julien Baker, Julien wasn’t pleased when she found out you were the other opener. She despised the feeling she got in her gut when your name was mentioned, she couldn’t decide what it meant. She was torn between it being contempt or admiration. She didn’t like not knowing, she didn’t like the fact she couldn’t figure you out, let alone figure out her own feelings for you. 

So far the tour had been faring well. There were huge crowds showing up every night, all screaming out the lyrics to their favorite MUNA hits. Everything was going well, until August 6th, a Friday night. It was exceptionally hot and it was starting to take a toll on the musicians. However  they were all pushing through, they had loud fans backstage that gave them some relief from the heat and could basically get away with no shirt on stage. So far, the night was going well, besides the heat. Lucy and Julien sat in front of a large fan, while Phoebe and you stood in front of another one. MUNA was performing on stage, while you all waited until the last song, “Silk Chiffon” . It was always a nice surprise to the fans when you four came bobbing up on stage singing along, dancing with one another. 

Phoebe sighed, turning towards you “Want to go back with me to get some water?”

Your eyes darted to the right, where your water bottle stood proud and tall, still about half full. “No Pheobs I’m okay! I’ll walk with you though!” 

“Oh no dude you’re good,” The platinum blond turned to Lucy and proposed the same question.

“Yeah my water ran out like 5 minutes ago,” Lucy hopped up from her seat, moving towards an already upright Phoebe who was wiping her forehead with the back of her hand, sweat droplets rolling off. “Be right back guys!” 

Before they turned the corner you checked the time and yelled to the singers “I think there's only two more songs till Silk Chiffon so hurry!” Lucy and Phoebe nodded to you and continued their walk to wherever they were storing the water bottles. Out of the corner of your eye you spotted Julien rolling her eyes.

You turned your body to hers, you ignored her obvious irritation towards you and smiling you asked, “You good Julien? I got some water if you need it!”

“Yeah I’m fine. Thanks.” The tattooed woman replied, curtly. 

“Ohhhkay,” you said, confused by her tone. You thought for a minute going back over the day to see if you did anything that would warrant that reaction. You couldn’t find anything, but you did remember how Julien really hadn’t ever been that cordial to you, not since that night outside the restaurant where she found you crying. In a moment of panic you asked the woman sitting 5 feet from you, “Did I do something?”

Julien turned towards you, obviously dumbstruck by your question. She hesitated before responding, you could practically see the wheels turning behind her eyes, “No, you didn’t do anything.”

Quickly you replied, desperate to figure out where you went wrong. “You act weird around me.”

You could see a flash of panic move over Julien;s face before it was replaced with a look of annoyance. “How do I act weird around you?” Julien asked as if it was the most absurd sentence you could have chosen to have said. 

“You don’t talk to me ever, you avoid me, you don’t reply to my texts in the groupchat. Yesterday on stage you avoided me every chance you got. I get that we aren’t really close but do you have to pretend like I’m not even there? Like I don’t even matter?” Your voice started to strain towards the end of your dialogue, you could feel your eyes start to water.

“I-I don’t-” 

Julien was cut off by a very energetic Phoebe who came skipping backstage.  “We’re on stage in like a minute guys! Grab your mics!” 

You quickly got up, blinking back your tears as you approached a table, grabbing a mic. You settled your breathing as Lucy came up to you. “You okay?” She asked, voice laced with worry.

“Mhm! I’m fine! I think the heat is just getting to me!” You replied, your voice steady. You’re honestly surprised at how fast you pulled yourself together.

MUNA was on stage finishing up their second to last song for the night when Katie yelled into her microphone, “Thank you all for such a gorgeous night! We have one last song! Can you all welcome our guests to the stage please?” The crowd begins to go crazy. 

One by one the 4 of you run out on stage as the band starts playing “Silk Chiffon”. Your eyes scan over the crowd, everyone is having an amazing time, they all look tired, but in a euphoric concert driven tiredness. Until you spot one girl near the front of the barricade. She looks as if she's about to pass out, and the people around her don’t seem to notice. You brush it off, but decide to keep an eye on her just in case something happens.

As the band starts to play the music fills your body, heating your veins with electricity. You move the mic to your mouth as you sing background for Katie. This was always one of your favorite parts of the show, the harmony between all of your voices, the feeling of being alive and showing it through music. Phoebe rushes up to you and grabs your wrist, twirling you around and smiling wide at you. She leans in and gives you a kiss on your cheek before your bodies find natural sync, dancing together. Everything always gets too chaotic when the 7 of you are all on stage. AS your eyes move from  Phoebes to the rest of the talent on stage you spot Julien glaring at you, your cheeks redden and you can’t distinguish whether it's from the heat or the shorter woman's dangerous stare.

Suddenly you remember that girl in the audience and when you look back to her place, you see her almost going limp, merely held up by the sweating bodies around her. Immediately your mind moves fast, remembering your highschool first aid lessons on heat stroke. Your brain quickly runs down her obvious symptoms and realizes it could be severe dehydration or worse, heat stroke. You quickly let go of Phoebe's arm and run backstage to grab a water bottle and someone to help you. 

Phoebe is confused, her eyes follow you backstage until she sees you grab a bottle of water. Too caught up in the moment she thinks you need a drink. She assumes nothing is wrong and then goes over to Jo to dance with her. The others don't realize your absence, too caught up in the song. Except Julien.

Julien was keeping a close eye on you when you were on stage, she saw every time you glanced at that specific spot in the barricade. Though she didn’t follow you, not until you suddenly appeared on the lawn in front of the stage with a medical professional and a security guard. 

You run to the dehydrated woman and then help her get to a cooler spot, and give her small sips of water to hydrate her. You couldn’t care less about the concert at that point, too concentrated on making sure this person was alright. 

Julien’s stomach started to churn, once again you were proving to her that you were perfect. There wasn’t anything Julien could flaw you on at this point. You stopped singing in the middle of a concert to go and take care of someone in need. How could she avoid her true feelings now? 

The song came to a close, and the bands lined up, wrapping their arms around each other's waists and bowing. Naomi, Jo and Katie blew kisses to the crowd and then they all walked offstage, a concert well performed. 

As Phoebe looked backstage she didn’t see you. She turned to the group and asked, “Did anyone see where (Y/N) went?” 

It came as a surprise to everyone when Julien answered, “They went to help someone in the audience, I saw them with medical.” 

Everyone nodded, Jo hoped the person was okay. Katie and Naomi went to ask someone about what had happened. It wasn’t soon after that you showed up.

Walking back to where you had just appeared from, Naomi and Katie both asked you “What happened?”

You told them that “Some girl in the barricade got really dehydrated and passed out, but she’s alright now!” 

A sigh of relief was heard from all 6 people, relieved that everyone was okay. Small chit chat was made until Jo spoke up “Okay I don’t know about you guys but it is hot as hell out here and I am going somewhere with air conditioning!”

“Finally someone said it!”

“Thank god I was starting to think I’d melt,”

Naomi, Katie, Lucy, and Phoebe dispersed after Jo, all talking about some record they’d listened to recently or where to get takeout from.

Julien stayed behind, and just as you were about to follow after the others she caught your arm. You turned towards her, “What’s up Jay?” The nickname leaves your lips in a second before you could think to not say it. 

Julien looked at you strangely and let go of your arm, not really realizing she had grabbed it in the first place. Another round of butterflies flew through her body as you looked at her questioningly.. “That was super cool what you did for that girl. Leaving mid song I mean.” 

You sighed, you were starting to get frustrated with her antics. Did she loathe you? Were you two friends? It seemed every other minute her feelings towards you changed. It was confusing the hell out of you. “Thanks.” You clipped, starting to walk away.

“That’s it?” Julien asked from behind you.

As you turned back around you noticed she stood as if trying to make her 5 foot frame seem taller, not that it was working. “What?”

“‘Thanks.’ That’s all you're gonna say? Normally you're much more chatty,” Julien laughed.

“I don’t know what you want from me Julien.” 

Julien pauses, looking at you with questions written all over her face.

“When I talk to you, you get snippy and you’re mean. When I don’t talk to you, you want me to talk more. I don’t get what your deal is with me?” You whisper-yelled, afraid someone from the crew would see your argument.

“I-” Julien stuttered, not being able to come up with anything to say.

Finally done with the back and forth banter that has been hurting your feelings ever since you met Julien you declared, “If you don’t want to be my friend just say it.”

Julien looked at you, eyes wide. You watched her as the gears turned in her head, trying to come up with what to say. You gave her a chance to explain herself, you set a mental timer of 30 seconds, if she didn’t say anything then you would go away. 

Those 30 seconds flew by without a peep from Julien, your eyes teared up as you spoke, “Fine, I’ll see you later I guess.” Turning around you went to your tour bus, wondering what you did to get Julien to dislike you so.

The only thing going through Julien’s mind was how she screwed up, bad.

#julien baker x reader #boygenius x reader #julien baker fanfic #julien baker fluff #jj writes #julien baker one shot #julien baker au #julien baker x singer!reader #julien baker x lacy!reader #muna x reader #julien baker angst

[brandogenius]

hiii!!! could you do like soft! gf x julien hcs??

hi!!! of course :D i hope i did it justice my love!

‼️RPF‼️

HC - julien x soft!gf reader

- jb is like those cats on tiktok. she likes to sit and watch you do your makeup. sometimes getting curious and asking you to put some on her

- “i want some of that” “you want some highlighter?” “yes”

- stealing jbs hoodies

- julien loves to spoil you

- juliens alarm goes off earlier than normal so she can wake you up because she knows you take long to do your hair and makeup

- either you or jules always brings home flowers every weekend. there’s flowers everywhere. you claim “it lightens up the house”

- sitting down every friday night, you painting juliens nails and jules painting yours

- “sorry they don’t look good” “baby they look gorgeous don’t worry”

- domestic fluff. both of you just wondering around in the comfortable silence of each others presence. julien doing the laundry and you painting at the table

- handmade crafts for gifts. you painted a portrait of you and julien for her birthday she has hung proudly in a framed photo in the hallway

- matching paper rings. it was something cute you wanted to try from tiktok but jb wears it religiously. committed to wearing it

- “it’s like we’re married”

- going clothes shopping doing small fashion shows in the dressing room showing off your skirts

- “do a twirl princess”

#pom writes #julien baker x reader #julien bake x soft!gf reader #julien baker headcanons #julien baker angst #julien baker au #julien baker x fem!reader #julien baker one shot #julien baker blurb #julien baker fluff #julien baker fanfic #boygenius x reader #boygenius fanfic #boygenius au #boygenius one shot

[honeys-hotties]

I Don't Deserve You-Julien Baker x Reader

my first julien baker fic, because the jb brainrot is SO REAL i love her with my whole heart

jb x fem!reader

angst but happy ending (have i ever written anything without angst??) anyways! as always, this is all made up!! jb is a little mean in this one, and in real life i am so sure she would never act like this

word cout: 2222 &lt;3

After a horrifically unproductive day at the studio, all Julien wants to do when she gets back to her house is sleep for approximately 17 hours. The clock on the wall reads 6:13 when she drops her jacket on the couch, completely forgetting about the dirty breakfast dishes she had promised you she would clean up that morning. You had an obnoxiously early start that morning, but wanting to see you before you left for work, Julien had woken up and you two had made breakfast together.

“I’m so sorry I don’t have time to clean everything up,” you had whispered apologetically, perched atop the counter while Julien stood between your legs. “If you could put everything away before you go to the studio for me please baby? And I can make us dinner tonight? I shouldn’t be too late? I think they were saying 7:00 wrap tonight? So I’ll be home by 7:45 at the latest.” Julien had agreed, if mostly to quiet her excited girlfriend so she could get a few kisses in before you left, but had gone back upstairs and fallen asleep after you were gone. She had slept through her alarm, and in her panic to get to the studio on time had forgotten to clean the kitchen.

Julien walked up the stairs, pushing the door to their bedroom open and falling face-first onto the large, unmade bed, and immediately passing out. She sleeps peacefully for about an hour and a half, until the slamming of the front door startles her awake. Rubbing her eyes irritatedly, Julien sits up in the darkened bedroom, a headache growing behind her eyes. 

“Babe?” She hears you call from downstairs. “Where are you?” Grumbling to herself, Julien sits up and stretches, her back popping from the movements. You pad up the stairs, and poke your head into the bedroom, smiling at the sight of your tired girlfriend. “Good nap?” you ask softly, walking towards the bed and sitting down next to Julien, who wraps her arms around her girlfriend’s waist, resting her head in your lap.

“Yeah, baby.” Julien hums. “Really good nap.”

You laugh softly, stroking Julien’s hair in your lap. “I’m glad, babe. You’ve been working yourself to death recently. How was the studio today?”

Julien rolls her eyes, sitting up abruptly. “I really don’t want to talk about work right now.” She says, irritated. Your eyes widen slightly, shocked by your girlfriend’s sharp tone, but ultimately chalking it up to her exhaustion. “Oh, okay. I’m sorry, Jules. I can go start dinner, if you want to nap a little longer?”

Julien looks at you guiltily. “I’m sorry, princess.” She pulls you into her lap, kissing your forehead repeatedly. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you. I love you.” You laugh quietly, relishing in the comfort of Julien’s arms, the kisses being pressed to your face. 

“It’s okay baby. I get it. Want to come start on dinner with me?” 

Julien nods, and follows like a puppy after you, down the stairs and into the kitchen. Julien is so lost in thought that when you stop abruptly in front of her at the sight of the kitchen, Julien smacks directly into you, knocking you forward a couple of steps. 

“Whoa princess, what’re you doin’?” She asks, reaching out to steady you. You swat her hands away, turning to face Julien with an unamused expression on your face. “Hey,” Julien takes a step back. “I’m sorry baby, I didn’t mean to bump into you, I swear, I just wasn’t expecting you to stop there…” she trails off at the look on your face. “What?”

“The kitchen, JB.” You say, gesturing to the dirty dishes behind you. “You promised you would clean up this morning, remember? I specifically asked if you could take care of it this morning so it wouldn’t be a problem tonight, and you told me not to worry, that you would clean up before you left.”

Julien rolls her eyes, her girlfriend’s irritation only adding to her bad mood. “Seriously, babe? You barely see me all day, and now you’re getting mad because I didn’t do the dishes? So I wanted to get some extra sleep this morning? Don’t you think I fuckin’ deserve it? I work so damn hard, I deserve a break, and having you flipping out on me isn’t helpful, baby.” Her tone is biting, her words harsh, and she barely notices the tears glazing over her girlfriend’s eyes. 

“I work hard too, Julien!” You grit out. “Just because I’m not some incredible singer doesn’t mean I don’t work hard, doesn’t mean I’m not exhausted when I get home. You told me you would clean up and you didn’t, I don’t understand why you’re getting so defensive-”

“Exactly!” Julien yells. “You don’t understand. You have no idea what it’s like to have this pressure on your shoulders every goddamn second, the eyes of so many people, waiting for you to fuck up. But guess fucking what, princess? The world doesn’t revolve around you.” She stalks closer to you, her voice loud. “You have no idea what I’m dealing with, how exhausted I am constantly, how hard I’m working. So I forgot to do the dishes once? So what? Look at everything I do for you, everything I bring to the table, versus you, and then try to tell me off again, princess.” As soon as the words leave her mouth, Julien wishes she could take them back. You look like you’ve been slapped across the face, and the unshed tears in your eyes finally begin to fall. You let out a choked sob, backing away from Julien who, in her anger, had cornered you against the table. 

“Wait, baby…I didn’t…” but it’s too late. The damage is done. 

“You’re right, Julien,” You manage. “I don’t know what it’s like. Maybe you should find someone who understands you, because obviously I never could.”

“No, princess, please-” Julien starts, before you cut her off.

“Don’t fucking call me that.” You snap. “I’m not your ‘princess’, I’m not your ‘baby’, I’m not your ‘doll’, I’m not anything to you, apparently.”

“No, please. You’re everything to me, I swear, I was just being mean because I’m tired, please, I didn’t mean it” Julien’s eyes fill with tears. You turn away from her. “I think you should leave, Julien. Before you say something else you ‘don’t mean’”. 

“No, please, you know I can’t leave when we’re fighting, we have to fix things, please let me fix things.”

You turn to her, tears streaming down your face. “I don’t know if you can fix this, Julien. I’ve put up with a lot of your shit, when you snap at me because you’ve had long days at the studio and I let it slide, when you chainsmoke because you’re stressed and I hold my tongue because I don’t want to make you more upset, when you make my problems feel small because I’m not part of some huge band. I don’t know if I can do this anymore. It’s not fair to me.”

Julien drops to her knees in front of you, reaching gently for your hands. “Please let me fix this” she cries softly. “Please, my love. I will do anything to make it up to you. Anything.” You pull your hands from Julien’s grasp. 

“I’m going to bed” you say, brokenly. “Just, wash the dishes, please.” 

“I love you” Julien calls out after you, watching you retreat up the stairs. “Baby, I-I love you.” You say nothing, and as soon as you disappear up the stairs, Julien breaks down in tears. She sits on the kitchen floor and cries, cries because she thinks she might have just ruined the best thing in her life. Julien cries for what feels like either ten minutes or ten hours, until she has no tears left and her sobs turn into pathetic sniffles. Eventually, she stands up and finds her phone, calling the only two people she trusts to help her fix her relationship. Phoebe and Lucy both pick up almost immediately, and listen dutifully as Julien fills them in on the fight while she tries to tidy up the kitchen. 

“Wow” Phoebe manages when Julien finishes the story. “Julien, fuck, I don’t know what to say.”

“I do,” Lucy chimes in. “You fucked up. Big time. Like, I don’t even know how you fucked up this badly.”

“That’s really helpful, Luce.” Julien retorts. “Now, how do I fix things? She’s the best thing in my life, and I can’t do this without her.”

“I think you and her need to have a really serious conversation about your relationship and what she expects of you” Phoebe says seriously. “It sounds like you’ve been neglecting her, however unintentionally, taking her for granted. She’s put up with it for long enough, JB, and honestly, she deserves better. I love you and I’m here for you no matter what, but you’re in the wrong here, babe.”

“You guys will work it out, but just try to understand where she’s coming from. You’ve got a pretty short fuse when you’re stressed,” Lucy adds. “I know you both and I know how much love you have for each other. Just, talk things through with her, see it from her point of view.”

“Okay. I’ll try. And you’re right, she deserves better. I’ll do my best to try harder for her, to be more attentive and more patient for her. I love her so much.”

“We know,” Lucy says. “We love you both so much, and I know you two will work it out. It’s hard right now, but you’re going to come out on the other side of this so much stronger as a couple.”

“Tell her we say hi, and call us tomorrow with updates, okay JB. We love you.” Phoebe says, bringing a small smile to Julien’s face.

“I will. Thank you guys, I love you both so much.” Julien disconnects the call and wipes down the counter, before turning off the kitchen lights and heading upstairs. Her footsteps grow soft as she reaches the door to your shared bedroom, and she pushes the door open softly, her heart breaking at the sight of you curled up on the bed, eyes red and puffy. 

“I don’t want to talk right now, Julien.” You say quietly, your voice raspy. 

“Will you listen then, baby? Just, I have a few things I want to say to you, to apologize for, and then you can kick me out, okay?” Julien asks hopefully, walking slowly towards the bed. You sit up wordlessly, gesturing for Julien to go ahead.

“Um, okay. Here goes. Baby, I’m so, so fucking sorry. I don’t know what came over me. I’ve been so tired and stressed lately. And I know that’s not an excuse. I just want to tell you where I’m coming from. That gives me zero right to take it out on you, though. And I’m so sorry because through everything, you’ve been here for me. You’ve stuck with me, through good and bad, no matter what. And I’ve been taking you for granted, which is so unfair to you, and you deserve so much better than me. You deserve someone who listens to you and values your opinions, someone who loves you so much they can’t stand the thought of life without you. Someone who knows how hard you work, someone who is always there for you, someone who is patient and protective and treats you like a queen. I want to be that person for you, if you’ll let me. I want to show you how incredible you are and tell you every day for the rest of our lives how much I adore you. I can’t imagine my life without you. I don’t want to imagine my life without you. I know I don’t deserve you, but please, give me another chance. You make my life worth living, you make everything better. I love you more than I can ever say, but if you want me, I will spend the rest of our lives proving how much I love you.” By the end of her speech, you're sobbing. 

“Oh, fuck, baby, doll, I’m so sorry, I-”

“Shut up and kiss me” You cut her off, and Julien’s eyes widen at your statement. “I, what?”

“You heard me,” you laughed, your throat still choked with tears. “Kiss me, Julien.” Without hesitating, Julien surges forward and connects your lips in a searing kiss. She can taste the salt of your tears mixing with her own, and when she finally breaks away, she rests her forehead against yours, gently wiping your tears away.  “I love you” she whispers. “And I don’t deserve you. But I love you so much. And I’m sorry.”

“I know you are,” you say. “But I don’t want to talk about that right now. I’m tired. Let’s go to sleep, we can talk more in the morning.”

Julien presses her lips to yours once more. “You’re the boss, princess. I’ll start making it up to you first thing tomorrow.”

“You better.” You say, letting out a watery chuckle, cuddling into her. “And I have a few ideas for how you can start.”

honey's notes: to anyone reading this right now, i love you you're amazing, all the forehead kisses in the world for you! this fic was so fun to write, lmk if i should write more for jb or the boys!

love always, honey

#julien baker x reader #julien baker #boygenius #phoebe bridgers #lucy dacus #honey writes #angst with a happy ending

[dumblilb]

Me @ Ellie Williams

#ellie williams #ellie the last of us #ellie williams x you #ellie williams fluff #ellie williams tlou #ellie williams oneshot #ellie williams angst #ellie williams headcanons #ellie williams smut #ellie williams x reader #ellie tlou #phoebe bridgers #graceland too #punisher phoebe bridgers #boygenius #julien baker #lucy dacus

[garbbitch]

requested on another platform!

I love all these chapters so much! I was wondering if you could do like a comfort chapter, like her comforting you while your crying of having an anxiety attack or something like that? Of course you don't have to if you don't want you! Anyway have a great day, you're such a great writer <3

julien baker x reader

you slipped out of bed early leaving julien to sleep peacefully. when you woke up you realized a heavy feeling in your chest you couldn’t place the origin of and decided to try to drink some tea to make it dissipate.

you slowly paced the kitchen as the water heated and you felt your chest getting tighter as your eyes teared slightly. the realization hit you hard as you felt an empty panic creep in.

as you paced slowly you fidgeted with your fingers gently as your mind raced over everything. every thought ever, your mind drifted slowly to julien and you found yourself starting to cry. you were worried that you were no good for her, that she could do better, that she deserved better. you felt yourself beginning to sob as you started to feel helpless as you paced around the kitchen.

as you paced julien came out of your shared bedroom yawning softly before she opened her eyes to see you in the kitchen. she immediately walked over to you.

“baby baby, are you ok?” she said as she rushed over. she tried to get a good look at you as you paced the kitchen, she realized you were having a panic attack. you didn’t say anything, you only shook your head softly as you continued to pace.

“hey, i’m right here, why don’t you slow down a little?” she said softly hoping her words would soothe you. you kept pacing around the kitchen, moving around helping you somehow. she watched you move around still worried she tried to think of a way to ground you, anyway.

“y/n baby, please, look at me” she said softly as you paced and shook your head again. you still cried softly, the sight made her want to cry too. she watched you pace and wanted so badly for you to slow down, to talk to her. she gently stepped in front of you and placed her hands on your shoulders gently.

“hey, look at me, what’s wrong?” she asked gently. you shook your head gently and tried to move again, she held onto your shoulders slightly firmer, she wanted you to try to keep still. she understood why you wanted to keep moving but she knew it wouldn’t help you.

she stepped closer to you slightly, she wanted to try to soothe you somehow. she held your hands gently as you continued to cry, she wanted to wipe the tears away but she didn’t want to startle you. you shook your head again, avoiding her eyes and looking down at the ground. you pulled one of your hands away from hers, she let it go, worried she did the wrong thing, your shaky hand wiped away your tears as you still sobbed. you felt your body shaking softly as you finally looked up at her.

“hey, it’s ok, what’s wrong, baby?” julien said softly as you finally looked at her.

“i-i don’t know.” you said softly as you cried.

“baby, c’mere” she said just as quiet, she gently pulled you close. you let her. she held you close as you sobbed into her shoulder. her scent grounding you slightly.

“i-i’m s-,” you started before she cut you off and stroked your hair softly.

“you don’t need to apologize, it’s ok,” she said softly as she held you gently. your arms still curled in front of you shaked softly. she gently moved your arms holding your hands gently as you still cried into her shoulder.

“i just” you started before you were cut off by a soft sob. julien stroked your hair softly.

“you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to baby.” she said softly. you cried into her shoulder even more. she held you close just wanting you to feel better. you took a deep shaky breath.

“wanna sit down?” she asked gently as she pulled away enough to see your face. you shook your head gently as more tears streamed down your cheeks.

“i d-don’t know” you said softly through tears. she wiped away your tears softly.

“it’s ok, we can stay like this.” she said softly. she rubbed your cheek softly, hoping it was soothing you. you didn’t pull away so she hoped it helped.

you shook your head again gently after a minute or so. she noticed that you did that alot when you were upset, just shook your head. this made her get even more worried.

“baby, can you please look at me?” she said softly. you moved a shaky hand to wipe your eyes. you looked at her with your puffy eyes. your lip quivered softly.

“there’s my pretty girl,” she said softly with a gentle smile. she gently pushed a piece of hair behind your ear.

“julien, i d-dont-” you said with a shaky voice. she gently cut you off.

“you don’t have to baby, it’s ok.” she said softly, she was happy you weren’t crying anymore and you were looking at her.

“no, i want to. i just” you started before you huffed softly. “i feel bad for this” you said softly as you started look away from her.

“you have nothing to feel bad about, princess” she said softly as she held your hands gently. you shook your head again.

“i do, this isn’t fair to you. you don’t need to put up with this or with me” you said quietly. she looked at you with sad eyes.

“don’t talk like that, i’m not putting up with you.” she said a little sternly, “i love you and there’s no where else i’d rather be.” she added as she squeezed your hands softly.

you looked in her eyes. “you just woke up, it’s not fair to you.” you said softly.

“you did too, why should you have to go through this alone?” she said back to you. her response made your eyes go wide slightly.

“i don’t know” you said softly. she pulled you close gently as she realized you were less panicky.

“is something bothering you?” she asked after some times passed. she didn’t want to probe too deep but she did want you to talk about it if you were ready to.

“i guess,” you said softly, “i’ve been stressed with work lately, and i dunno, it all boiled over.” you continued softly as you felt your legs ache faintly.

“i did notice you were working more, is everything ok with work?” she asked gently as she guided you to sit by the kitchen island.

“yeah, my boss has just been on my ass about so many little things, and i’ve been trying to put in more effort, maybe even get a promotion.” you said softly as you lifted yourself onto the counter. sitting in a chair didn’t feel right. she nodded gently as you spoke.

“well, if you feel like you should work to a promotion for money, it’s not a problem baby. and i’m sorry your boss has been driving you crazy.” she said softly as she stepped a little closer to you, she rested her hands on your thighs. “you know working too much makes you stressed.” she added gently as she pushed a piece of hair that was hanging in front of your face behind your ear. you held her other hand gently.

“i am sorry.” you said softly. she looked at you with that same look as before.

“you don’t have any-” she started before the sound of the tea kettle startled you both. you winced softly and covered your ears, scrunching your entire face at the noise.

“hey hey, it’s ok,” she said softly as she moved the tea kettle and turned the burner off. she turned back to you and gently stroked the top of your head.

“the noise is gone, it’s ok.” she said softly as she rubbed your hands that were placed rather roughly on your ears. she knew you were extra sensitive to sound when you felt like this. she thought for a moment.

“you want your earbuds?” she asked gently, wanting to do anything to help. when you nodded even a little she quickly went to get them and handed them to you. having them on helped you.

“better?” she asked gently after you put them in. you nodded and took a shaky breath.

“did you try to make tea earlier?” she asked you with a small smile on her face.

“yeah, when i was feeling upset, i knew that when you made me tea it helped so i was gonna make some. you were still asleep.” you said softly, you felt a lot of the tension leave your body as julien moved her hands over you.

“mmm, took too long?” she asked gently, moving her face to yours.

“a little” you said softly, “i couldn’t figure out the kurieg (or however tf you spell it)” she smiled softly.

“i see… you feeling a little better?” she asked gently. you nodded.

“i do want to apologize to you, i know you won’t accept it but i am sorry for this.” you said softly. she shook her head.

“baby, there’s really no need.” she said as she rubbed your cheek gently.

“i feel like there is.” you said quietly.

“well, there isn’t, ever. you don’t need to apologize for having emotions.” she said back to you still rubbing your cheek. you smiled softly at her words.

“there’s that smile i love so much.” she said softly still cupping your face. you felt your cheeks get hot at her words. “you’re so cute when you blush.” she said softly before kissing your cheek softly. you giggled softly, she could tell you were feeling better.

“how about some breakfast?” she asked gently, her hands resting at your hips. you nodded gently.

“anything specific you want?” she asked as she moved her hands gently tickled your stomach. this made you giggle softly.

“anything is good with me.” you said softly before she kissed you gently.

“anything?” she questioned gently as she stepped away to the fridge to get started on some breakfast.

#julien baker #julien baker fluff #angst? #i dunno #julien baker x reader

[simpomatic]

here’s a playlist about hating someone because you care about them too much and they care about you too little

“fuck all your gold stars”

some key lyrics!

- you have a phone, you should have called!

- loving him hurts, loving him don’t work, so love him i won’t!

- i wish i never met you!

- time to grow up! you were the one! and now you’re not!

- i’ll pretend being with you doesn’t feel like drowning :(

- i’ll stay ready for you to take me! take me! take me! take me!

if you can’t tell, i’m very much in my maisie peters boygenius era

#no this is not about anyone in particular if any of my irls see this #unless… #anyway #boygenius #maisie peters #phoebe bridgers #lucy dacus #julien baker #taylor swift #this is just an angry woman playlist #purr #as it should be #spotify #playlist #gracie abrams #angst #gay #indie rock #Spotify

[astoryfullofwoe]

shelter dog

i’m nothing but a shelter dog;

mean because i’m terrified.

desperate to be loved but

snapping at anyone who tries;

needy and overly attached

while being cold and distant—

but i can’t help it,

call it survival instinct;

i can’t be left broken hearted

if i have no heart left to break, right?

your love is a new home but

the feeling of being trapped

does not go away just because

you can’t see the bars anymore.

the cage disappears but that

doesn’t mean the scars do.

i’ll bite the hand that feeds me because

what if it’s not pets this time, but a strike?

i have my hackles up at all times,

growling at sudden movements,

because i have been through too much torment

to let myself be beaten again.

i’d rather be called a bad dog

than be kicked in the stomach

by yet another foot.

but why do you keep stepping on my paws?

it’s an accident followed by apologies

but i still yelp and must

lick my wounds alone nonetheless.

every time i show my belly,

that vulnerable skin ends up wounded,

and there you are, oblivious

in the other room,

and i’m left with only the stars

to hear my aching howls.

#poetry #writing #creative writing #poet #angst poetry #angst #notes app poetry #poets corner #anxious attachment #lol #inspired by cop car by mitski #mitski #car seat headrest #i get mean when im nervous like a bad dog #bite the hand #boygenius #like a dog with a bird at your door #phoebe bridgers #lucy dacus #julien baker #late night ramblings #mental health #angsty

[goldrushenthusiast]

YOU’VE NEVER DONE ME WRONG EXCEPT FOR THAT ONE TIME THAT WE DON’T TALK ABOUT

-remus lupin (ballparking around early october 1981), trying to remind himself who sirius actually is

#if you can’t tell I’ve been obsessed with boygenius lately #true blue #I could scream this lyric over and over again #marauders things #the prank #sirius black #remus lupin #wolfstar #wolfstar angst #wolfstar x boygenius #boygenius #lucy dacus #julien baker #phoebe bridgers #this song is so them I can’t #it hurts me #marauders era #october 1981

[fastmelodic6661]

writing angst and listening to boygenius, pray for my mental health.

#angst #boygenius #writer #writing #phoebe bridgers #julien baker #Lucy dacus

[gingerjolover]

woudl you ever do a part 2 for sleep it off? love you ginger!

hi baby! love u more :)

i really like how i ended it, i don’t really know where i would take it if i continued it BUT as always my inbox is always open for suggestions or ideas, so if there’s somewhere you want to see it go, let me know!

however i will say it will go to the bottom of my list simply because i have literally like 110 bullet points in my google doc rn (not including halloween) lmao

#anon cutie #julien baker x reader #gingy talks #julien baker fic #julien baker angst

[outofmydepthatapublicbeach]

the confession- Julien Baker x lacy!reader

jj chats: y'all it is finally here. i would like to personally thank who ever first requested the jb x lacy!reader storyline!!! it has been so much fun to write these past few weeks. i think they'll be one more part after this, but maybe more if requested.

i love this couple so much so if you want certain scenarios with them please dm me or lmk!!!

part 1: linked

part 2: linked

part 3: linked

word count: around 2200 words i believe

warnings: RPF, use of y/n, pet names (princess), lots of cursing!!, argument,

feedback is encouraged and i'd love to get some just please be kind!!!

You stormed into your tour bus, smashing the door behind you. You thanked God that no one was on your bus because you knew as soon as the door closed that you wouldn’t be able to stop yourself from crying. You were so confused and frustrated. 

Why did Julien hate you so much? 

Why did she never want to talk to you? 

Why couldn’t you just get along?

The truth was that ever since the first time you met Julien Baker, you were enthralled by her. Her presence commanded respect, her songs were soul-crushing in the best way possible, and it didn’t help that she was gorgeous. You wanted to be her friend(or more than her friend) so bad you must have done something wrong, something to irk her when you first met. Because why else would she continue to hate you so?

Julien was addicting, as much as you knew she didn’t like you, as much as she made it alarmingly clear, you kept going back to her, trying to win her over, trying to make her laugh. As you paced around your trailer your heart started to ache, and a feeling of unease overcame your senses. You tried to put a name to this feeling, yet all you could think of was how you felt like an out-of-tune guitar sounded. 

You rushed over to your sink, turned on the faucet, and collected a palm full of freezing water, then threw it all over your face. The cold rush felt like little daggers impaling your skin a dozen times over, but it was just what you needed. Something to direct you back to your senses, something that, momentarily: made you forget about the woman you were beguiled with. It also helped grant you a moment of respite from the scorching heat of the day.

You stood in front of the sink for a few minutes, trying to collect yourself before leaving the trailer to meet up with the others for your annual after-concert dinner. That was until you heard a series of rapid knocks at your door. Your head quickly turned in its direction, eyes widening. You took in a deep breath before grabbing a towel and wiping off your face in one clean swoop. You approached the door, hand resting on the knob before pulling it toward you.

If someone had asked who was standing there facing you, you wouldn’t have been able to tell them. Even though your mind chanted her name over and over again, as if you were being hypnotized by her indubitable beauty, you were not able to speak her name.

“(Y/N), we need to talk.” She spoke. It was then you noticed her button-up had been unbuttoned a little more since the last time you saw her. Her cheeks were redder, her knuckles white as they were made into tight fists. Even her hair was a little messier. None of this made it easier for you to speak, yet you managed to get 2 words out.

“Please leave,” the words came sprawling out your mouth before you even had a chance to think, and your arms reacted before your brain could tell them to stay still. You slammed the door in her face. Standing there still, you leaned your head against the door, trying to regain your composure.

On the other side, you heard Julien groan before calling out “Just open the door, we need to talk!”

On instinct you opened the door again, Julien’s face was red, flushed with anger. Before you even had a chance to think she stepped into your trailer, closing the door behind her. She started to pace around, not looking at you.

“What the hell Julien?” You asked, crossing your arms in front of your chest.

Julien turned around to face you, her eyes piercing into yours. “What do you mean ‘what the hell?’” 

“You stormed into my tour bus? I have every right to be pissed!”

Julien scoffed, then mumbled something you could barely hear.

“What was that?” You asked, voice laced with angst.

“I said, you are such a hypocrite!” Julien was fuming, “You call me out for acting weird around you when you act weird around me too!” 

You were taken aback by her sentence, you shot out a quick “What the hell are you talking about?”

Julien took a step towards you, “Do you think I don’t notice how all the damn time you are just a bundle of sunshine,” she threw her hands in the air, “How perfect you try to act around me?” 

“Julien-”

“No! Let me finish! You offer me help, you never say a bad thing about anyone around me, you’re so fucking nice it's driving me insane!”

“Have you ever thought that maybe I am a naturally nice fucking person? That I’m not acting a part around you?”

Julien scoffed, “Nobody is that perfect (Y/N).”

“I never said I was!” You countered back.

Julien moved her fingers towards her temple, massaging the skin on the bridge of her nose. “Ugh God don’t lie!”

“Why are you making me out to be the bad guy here?” You asked head tilted to the side.

“I am not, you're digging yourself your own little perfect ditch,” Julien smirked, proud of herself for her comment.

Groaning you said, “God why won’t you stop it with that?”

Again with a smirk: “What, something bothering the perfect little princess?”

“Julien maybe if you opened your goddamn eyes you’d see you fucked up your logic is right now.” You took a step away, hand flying to grab the countertop.

“My logic is perfectly fine, princess,”

“Stop calling me that!” You yelled.

Julien huffed out, “Stop being so perfect!”

“I am not perfect!” You snarled.

Julien was frustrated, “You are infuriating, you know that?”

The laugh that left your lips was one of confusion and anger, its message clear.  “Why are you so mad? You seemed fine ignoring me a couple of hours ago!”

“Why am I mad? Why am I mad?” Julien breathed out, if this were a cartoon you would have seen smoke pouring out her ears.

You looked at her disgruntled, “Yes Julien! Why are you mad? I have been nothing but kind to you, and yet you hate me!”

“I don’t hate you.” Julien snapped

A scoff left your lips and then “Then what is it?”

“I love you!” All of a sudden the world went quiet. Julien's face whitened, your grasp on the counter wavered and you felt your stomach sink. 

“What?” You asked for the comparison from your voice but 10 seconds ago varied so much to the volume it was at now. 

Julien looked at you, her eyes wide. She opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out. 

You could feel the anger you held dissipate when you took in Julien’s deflated form. You started to reach out to her, “Julien-” She cut you off by walking towards your trailer door, ready to leave. Instead of letting her walk away, you ran after her, grabbing her wrist and pulling her away from the door. 

Julien looked into your eyes, her own filling with tears. You had no clue what was going through her mind at that moment but you could tell she was extremely upset. “(Y/N) I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable,” 

Quickly your hand moved into her hand, squeezing lightly. “Shhh, you didn’t. I swear, it’s just-” You stopped talking, feeling anxious when you looked into Julien’s eyes, her gaze was potent. 

Julien tilted her head confused at your sudden stop “Just?”

You looked at her, and swallowed the lump in your throat. In a hushed tone, you asked “Why did you say that?”

Julien looked between your eyes and then pulled you to a couch, sitting you both down. She sighed before saying “Because it’s the truth.” Her features held a fear, fear that you would reject her.

“You love… me?” Your question came out in a whisper. You were desperate for the answer.

Julien laughed a bit as if your question was funny. “Yes, I do.”

“Why?” You asked, straightening your back. Your brain worked overtime, trying to come up with a reason as to why she would say this to you, you couldn’t believe these words were anything but a fabrication meant to cause you more heartbreak.

Julien scoffed at your question, “Why? Are you kidding me?”

You shook your head.

Julien looked at you, confused “Because you’re you! You’re kind and you’re funny, and you just like saved a random girl's life tonight because you could!-”

“I didn’t save her life she was just a little dehydra-”

Julien moved her index finger out to your face, resting it on your lips. Immediately you shut up. She continued “You are infuriating, and I can’t stop thinking about you. I know I’ve been shitty recently, but I- I don’t have a good excuse. The best I could come up with was that I was scared of falling for you. I mean- God- look at you! You’re perfect! And I’m me!-”

“-Julien-” you started to speak but were cut off again by the tattooed woman in front of you. 

“-And I thought there was no way someone like you could ever love someone like me. So I tried to push my feelings down and I ended up hurting you in the process and I am so sorry. So I completely understand if you hate me and want me to leave. I just- I guess I just wanted to tell you that I- that I- that I love you.” Julien stuttered, her nerves getting the better of her. “I should probably just leave now, again I am so sor-”

“Julien if you say sorry one more time!” Cutting her off she looked at you with shock, terrified of your response. She had just laid her heart out to you on a platter. Now it was your decision to keep it safe and treat it like a prize, or throw it away like a piece of junk. “Julien, if you would just stop talking for one minute, please. I need to say something.” 

Julien nodded at you, you had almost forgotten her hand was in yours, the feeling felt so right, so familiar. “Do you not think you infuriate me as well? Why do you think I keep coming back to you? I want you. I feel like I need you to breathe.” You let every thought in your head out and watched as Julien’s face morphed from scared to confused. “It pains me to hear you say you feel like I could never love you. Please stop saying that, it-it hurts.” You paused again, waiting for an indication of what was going through Julien’s head. She looked at you, eyes wide like a deer caught in the middle of the road. Again, you found your voice and added “Because I do. I do love you. Possibly even more than you love me.”

Julien’s eyes finally had a look of relief on them, her shoulders slumped a bit as she lowered her head, a tear falling down her cheek. She took a deep breath before looking up at you, a smile growing on her face as she said, “I don’t think that is possible.”

Cocking your head you stared at her blankly, uttering a “What?” 

Julien’s demeanor changed from crying to cocky as she said“There's no way you could love me more than I love you.” Julien said with a smirk.

You could feel your heart swell, you felt like you were high on adrenaline, just beyond confused yet excited at how the night had led to this. You and Julien, sitting together, hands interlocked and faces just inches from each other. “Really? Because I can prove it.” You smirked back, your body felt electric like you could do anything.

“I’d like to see that.” Julien giggled, squeezing your hand.

“I bet you would, Jay.” you smiled

You heard a sharp inhale from Julien after you spoke her nickname, and in an instant Julien's demeanor changed, and like magnets her lips connected with yours. Your hands moved to grasp Julien’s cheek and upper arm, feeling her warm skin beneath your fingers. You could feel her soft lips intertwined with yours, brushing past each other. And when you pulled away you rested your foreheads together, catching your breath. 

“Thank you,” you heard Julien whisper, her breath fanning against your lips.

Bewildered, you pull away from Julien, looking at her confusedly, “Huh? What for?” 

“For proving that you are perfect,” Julien’s face wrinkles up as she smiles wide. She’s glowing and you think to yourself, if anyone is perfect…it's Julien.

“Awww Jay, stop!” you playfully frown at her, however, your face turns as red as a strawberry at Julien’s blatant compliment.

Julien shakes her head at you before muttering out 5 infuriating words “Never in a million years,” She pauses and then smirks again, “Princess.” You scoff and roll your eyes at her as she pulls you into her again. Hands running up and down your arms.

As you ease into her touch you can only think of how this

#julien baker x reader #boygenius x reader #julien baker fanfic #julien baker fluff #julien baker blurb #julien baker au #julien baker one shot #julien baker x singer!reader #julien baker x lacy!reader #boygenius au #boygenius fanfic #julien baker angst #julien baker fic #boygenius fic

[brandogenius]

hiii can we have julien x photographer!reader where reader worked at the tour and julien has a crush on her? pls and thank u

‼️RPF‼️

HC - julien x photographer!reader

- julien was the first one to talk to you

- sliding up beside you like “so what kind of camera is that?” and you both go into a discussion even though julien doesn’t know shit about cameras

- honestly you could tell ^ but it was nice to have someone interested

- julien seeing you run around the photo pit and smiling at you every chance she gets

- posing for photos specifically for you

- “can i watch you edit?” just jb sitting down with you while you explain how you’re editing the photo in light room

- say it’s later on throughout the tour and you and jb got closer. your camera is filled with photos of the tour and photos and videos of you and jb together on dates. (friendshio dates¿)

- gaining a bit of a following from posting photos for every night that when you post some photos of you and jb at a park on a picnic everyone goes wild

- jb freaking out over the fact people kinda copped on “see the way julien looks at reader in the insta posts?? she’s down bad for her” julien like SHIT ITS OBVIOUS

- julien has 100% a polaroid of the two of you in her wallet. “because it was a fun memory totally”

- reader recording videos for the boys tour vlogs and one clip goes viral of jb giving reader the love / puppy dog eyes just staring at them, you can see it through the mirror and everyone’s like “when they decide to confirm they are together everyone act shocked”

- reader is absolutely oblivious though

#pom writes #julien baker x reader #julien baker x photographer reader #julien baker headcanons #julien baker angst #julien baker au #julien baker one shot #julien baker blurb #julien baker fluff #julien baker fanfic #boygenius x reader #boygenius fanfic #boygenius au #boygenius one shot

[cashmerebutch]

today’s weakness: dramione fics with julien baker lyric titles

#you cannot tell me that draco malfoy doesn’t have massive julien baker vibes #I GUESS I DON’T MIND LOSING MY CONVICTIONS IF IT’S ALL RELATIVE FICTION ANYWAY #like????? #fuck me sideways that’s a powerful pairing #go ahead and wreck me i didn’t need to feel joy anyway #dramione #dramione fanfic #dramione ff #dramione angst #dramione fic rec

[crappymixtape]

because of you • part three

PART I • PART II • PART IV • PART V // REQUEST -> @sattlersquarry ❝ an enemies to lovers fic with Steve? 💙 maybe they have to put aside their differences to fight upside down stuff and realize they actually have a lot in common 👀 • 18+ | ( 3.1k – little bit of king!steve, mostly angst with a dash of fluff, enemies to idiots in love, steve x reader )

B E C A U S E O F Y O U •  P A R T T H R E E ���� thick skull ( re: julien baker ), paramore ft. julien baker

❝ GOOD GIRLS DON’T CRY & GOOD GIRLS DON’T LIE & GOOD GIRLS JUSTIFY BUT I DON’T ❞

“Think she’s okay?”

“Shh!”

“What? No way she can hear us back here.”

“Dustin, ‘back here’ is literally a seat behind her.”

Sat quietly at a table seat in the Winnebago, Eddie looking on worriedly across from you, you were still grappling with the fact that you were alive. That you didn’t die. That you were breathing fresh air and free from the dark and free from Him.

For now.

And as the RV bumped down the road out of Hawkins you said nothing. Felt Steve’s eyes on you constantly as he glanced at you in the rearview. Eddie’s hand still holding tight to yours after he helped you up, afraid to lose you again. Dustin and Lucas and Max all talking in not-so-hushed voices behind you about what it all meant and if El could get back in time and was this all gonna be enough?

Voice thick and choked by the sobs that had felt endless, you’d managed to tell everyone what Vecna had showed you. Told them about Hawkins, about the monsters, about your family, about them. Eddie, Robin, Nancy Steve. And no one had said anything at first. The sounds of your cries filling up the RV. Stark against the silence and heavy with the weight of your words and they knew before you’d even opened your mouth that it was going to be bad.

Of course they knew.

But now that Vecna had revealed his master plan, the efforts you were all making just felt hopeless. The munitions stuffed under the bench seats and closets and cabinets, all puny and worthless against Vecna and his army of nightmares.

A big bump in the road brought you out of your thoughts and when you glanced up your eyes met Steve’s as he snuck another look in the rear view. And instead of glaring, instead of flipping him the bird, you looked right back. Held his gaze for moment longer and he didn’t shy away until he came up on a turn-off.

“Alright, shitheads. We’re here.”

“Here?” Lucas asked, more than confused at the thick forest Steve was now driving you all through.

“Yeah, this is it.”

And as the trees slowly thinned out, thick grass and wildflower blooms took their place. Creeping out ahead of you to reveal a meadow, wide and green and lush. A haven that felt so very far away, felt safe, and as Steve parked and the engine quieted you let out the breath you’d been holding.

❝ MAYBE IF YOU JUST GOT SOME GUTS WE’D KILL ‘EM WITH A THOUSAND CUTS AND SAY WE DID IT OUT OF LOVE ❞

Everyone piled out of the RV and got after their tasks. Pretended like preparing for the end of the world was totally normal and routine. Nancy and Robin sawing off the end of a shotgun. Lucas and Erica attempting to make spears from tactical knives and broom handles. Eddie and Dustin shoving each other around in the grass with their garbage can lids full of nails at their feet and none of it instilled you with confidence, but Dustin screaming No wedgies! did manage to pull a little smile out of you.

And for a split second it felt okay.

Laughter, the sound of birds, the feeling of the wind on your bare skin and all the green around you – so unlike the cracked and bitter feeling in the Upside Down and then your smile fell.

You wished He hadn’t shown you.

Wished Vecna had just left you alone. Wished for just a moment that you hadn’t gone to Max’s trailer and put yourself in the middle of all this, but then Eddie grabbed Dustin in a big bear hug and your chest squeezed.

Your best friend.

The reason why you had gone to Max’s trailer.

The reason why you weren’t going to run.

The reason this was all worth it.

“Ah, shit.”

Sat next to you, Steve sucked in a breath through gritted teeth. The funnel in your hands slipping as you lost focus and liquid trickled down your hands and wrists.

“Hold it still,” Steve quickly tipped back his can of kerosene and set it down to grab a piece of ripped towel.

A string of curses were muttered under your breath, so much for homemade molotov cocktails.

Cheeks burning with embarrassment you went to wipe your hands on your sweater, but when you looked back up at Steve he was looking too. Eyes searching yours, unsure and tentative. Moles dotting along his cheeks and jaw like tiny constellations. Skin gold like it held summer and when you blinked away the haze of him, you realized he was reaching out to you.

“Here, get that off so it doesn’t burn,” he said a little softer. Cloth in one hand, he took yours in the other and wiped at the kerosene.

Oh, fell from your lips. Surprised. Unsure. Your skin buzzing where he touched you and you swallowed thick as you felt your pulse flutter against your neck.

“Uh–here, you can get the rest,” Steve said quickly, like he’d felt it too and hastily passed the cloth off to you, dropping your hand to wipe his on his jeans.

“Thanks,” you mumbled back.

It was quiet for a moment as he cleared his throat and picked up his can of kerosene again. You followed suit and grabbed your empty vodka bottle and funnel. Wordlessly he leaned over to hold your hand in his and once it was steady began pouring again, eyes flicking over to look at you.

“I’m an asshole,” he suddenly admitted, breaking the silence, and you had to focus really hard to not fumble the bottle again.

“I didn’t say it,” you started and he chuckled under his breath. A low, warm thing that made the air around you fizzle and crack like bonfires down at the quarry.

“Didn’t say you did,” he gently pushed back, lips still tugged up into a small, wry smile, but it faded the longer he looked at you. “Listen. I know we aren’t…well, I know I don’t have a great track record,” he said and the change in his tone surprised you. Told you he was serious and you had to look away to try to gather yourself back up again.

"No, really?" you said, all sarcasm, and he huffed another laugh.

“Hah hah,” he joked, weakly at first, and then his expression shifted more serious. “I just wanted to say that…well, that you have every right to be here it’s just–” the boy hummed around his words. Dropped his gaze down to where your hands met on the kerosene filled vodka bottle and put the can on the ground.

Talking to you like this, showing weakness and vulnerability, made him feel so exposed. Uncomfortable. Unable to find the right words and his tongue jammed into his cheek as he tried to decide just how honest he wanted to be.

With you.

“It’s just–everything about the Upside Down wants to kill you and it’s like–” he sighed heavy and carded a hand through his already messy hair. “I dunno. How many more people have to die? You know?” and then he was looking at you again. Really looking, really asking, and for a second it made you doubt everything you felt about him.

Jock. Asshole. King Steve.

No second chances, remember?

“Can I ask you something?” you heard yourself say and you could feel the muddled mixture of nerves and frustration and anticipation buzzing under your skin. Everything you’d been holding onto all this time pent up and pushing against the wall you’d built around it. Waiting waiting waiting for you to set it loose.

“Oh–sure, yeah.”

“Why are you really here?”

Steve’s eyes grew wide and he sat back on his milk crate, hands squeezing at the tops of his thighs.

“Why am I here?”

“Yeah. Do you really care about Eddie?”

Steve’s eyes darted back over to where Eddie and Dustin were hammering more nails into their garbage can lids and maybe you were impatient or maybe Steve was stalling, but you didn’t want to wait.

“Cos you didn’t care about him before.”

“B-before? I don’t–what d'you mean–”

Steve was stumbling over himself now, struggling to own the words you put on him and frustration grew warm in your chest, but you tried hard to swallow it down. Tried hard to let him prove Eddie’s theory of change.

“High school, Harrington,” you started, trying to keep your tone even and calm. “Yelled at us in the quad? Tossed people’s books in the hallway? Threw fries at us in the cafeteria.” You paused, debated whether or not you wanted to tack more on, and then you thought of Tommy and it came out all on its own, “Let your friends say really shitty things to me.”

Steve’s gaze dropped down to his feet and he didn’t say anything at first, not a word, and you kicked yourself for even bothering to think he’d be able to handle it. Of course he couldn’t.

“You know what–nevermind,” you mumbled, capping your bottle and moving to stand, but his hand grabbed yours and pulled you back down onto your milk crate.

“Wait. Please?”

And the way he was looking at you was pained, the pinch between his brows deep, and it made you pause. Was Eddie right? The way Steve cared for these kids, for your best friend, showed clearly something had shifted in him, but was it enough?

“Wait for what, Harrington? So you can show me things are different now?” your voice was softer, but hurt, “Because Eddie swears you’ve changed, but you still sound just like Tommy.”

The mention of his ex-best friend felt like getting the wind knocked out of him. He knew Tommy was wrong now. Hell, he knew it back then too. Knew how fucked up it'd been in the parking lot at the school, but he hadn’t had the guts to say anything. Couldn’t stand up to him or tell him off because he ‘had a reputation to uphold’ and what would everyone else say if he went ‘soft on a freak’?

“I–I know. I fucked up. I get it and I don’t know how I can prove it to you, but–” he started truthfully, hand still holding yours, thumb shifting softly against your palm, “–but I am. Really sorry.”

Really sorry.

Finally. After all those years. After everything he’d said and done, but sorry didn’t fix it. Or take any of it back. Was it too late?

Reluctantly you pulled your hand away from Steve’s, his fingers flexing as they fell away from yours, wanting to hold on just a little bit longer but you weren’t ready.

“You know that doesn’t fix it, right?” you said quietly, glancing up at Steve through the long sweep of your lashes and guilt settled heavy over him.

He knew it didn’t fix it. Knew all too well that words didn’t mean shit, but he would be the first to admit he was a slow learner. Crawl before you walk. Hit your head and maybe something will suddenly make sense and when it came to you? Vecna had been like a sucker punch.

You were strong-willed. Didn’t take shit lying down. Were fiercely loyal to your best friend and just wanted to try to help and it had taken Steve a minute to realize – in your eyes he was still bullshit, but he didn’t want to be. It wasn’t going to be easy, not in the least, but just like you he wanted to try.

“I know it doesn’t fix it.”

His eyes squeezed shut so he didn’t have to look at you. Tried to make it easier on himself as he pushed through the discomfort of taking responsibility for his actions. Tongue running along his bottom lip, just like it always did when his brain was working overtime, he finally looked back up at you.

“I’m not asking you for forgiveness or–or to be my friend or anything. I just want you know I really am sorry. For all of it. Okay?”

Sitting there so close to him, your hands inches away from touching, holding each other’s gaze as you listened to the words falling from his lips in sincerity – it was almost too much. The wall you’d built around yourself cracking and straining against this new feeling that had settled in your chest, but the words wouldn’t come to you as your lips parted and you tried and pull yourself together but–

“Dammit, Eddie, no wedgies!”

Dustin’s voice cut through the silence that had settled and Steve reflexively sat up. Pushed himself away from whatever it was you’d waded into together. Away from sorry and the feeling of your hands pressed together and the look you gave him through the long sweep of your lashes and the way you made his heart race. Turned away from you and played it off.

“Hey! Less dicking around, more putting shit together!” he yelled at Dustin and Eddie flipped him off without looking.

“Like you’re doing anything important, big boy!” Eddie hollered back and the way it made Steve’s cheeks grow pink made your lips twitch with a smile you had to work hard to hold back.

“Shut up,” Steve muttered at Eddie, but mostly to himself, and stood from his milk crate to put your filled vodka bottle into the box with the rest.

You watched quietly as he placed the last bottle in and folded the cardboard shut. Muscles tensing and pulling taut as he worked, moving against the fabric of his shirt and you quickly looked away for fear of being caught.

Then your eye caught his nail covered bat tipped against side of the Winnebago and the threat of the Upside Down and all its nasties wrapped around you tight like a vice.

Oh.

Right.

The end of the world.

Just a few yards away Nancy pulled the trigger on her shotgun, the sound making you flinch, and it hit you like a ton of bricks – you had absolutely no clue how to defend yourself against this. Against Him. Against an army from hell. You knew how to throw a punch and knee someone in the crotch and you’d always had an arm on you from playing volleyball, but none of that had anything to do with monsters. Or guns. Or nail covered bats.

“Uhm–” came out mumbled, more sound than word, and it pulled Steve’s attention up from the box.

“What’s that?”

“Can you–er–would you maybe show me how to swing that?” you asked and it made him turn to face you, giving you his full attention.

“What?”

Your cheeks grew hot.

“That bat,” you said shifting uncomfortably on your crate, “I don’t think–I can't shoot a gun.”

Steve’s expression softened as he remembered what it'd felt like the first time he saw a demogorgon. The first time he swung that very bat into the side of a demodog. The first time this world had been exposed to him and he knew how overwhelming and absolutely crazy it all felt.

Grabbing the bat in his hand he gave you a small smile and took the few steps back over to you.

“Sure. It’s not too hard. You know, just aim and swing.”

“Just aim and swing?” your tone was flat, all skeptics, a defensive move against his kindness and it made him chuckle.

“Well, there’s probably more to it than that, but those stupid bats are thick enough when they swarm it’d be hard for anyone to miss.”

Your eyes grew wide at the thought of swarming bats and it made him laugh again, a half-grimace pulling at his features.

“Shit, sorry. Uh–here,” readjusting his grip he bent his knees a bit and dug his heel into the ground. “Just make sure you get a wide stance, yeah? Like, hip width apart? And don’t be afraid to choke up on your hold. It’ll make your swings hit harder.”

He swung the bat and the sound it made as it cut through the air made your breath catch in your throat.

“Wanna try?” the boy held the crude weapon out to you and you swallowed thick. Stood up from your own milk crate and tentatively took it from him.

It was heavy in your hands, heavier than you thought it’d be, but smooth. You did as he said and slid your hands up a little further on the handle and tried a swing, but threw yourself off balance and stumbled forward.

“Ah, that’s okay. Here, uh–” Steve stepped in behind you and placed his hands over yours on the bat, “–try again, but follow through with your hip. Your grip’s good, just don’t throw your full weight forward.”

The warmth of his chest on your back made your cheeks burn again. Made your heart race. Hammering against your ribcage as he slowly took you through the motion again.

“Then when you get to the end of the swing, follow with your hip," his voice was much quieter over your shoulder, words falling into your ear and making you dizzy as he tried so damn hard to keep his focus. Placed a hand on your waist to guide it and toed your foot forward with his shoe as he took a step. “See?”

“Yeah,” was all you could manage, the feeling of his breath on your neck trailing goosebumps across your skin and you couldn’t help it. Couldn’t help the way the closeness of him pulled your gaze and when you looked up he was looking too.

“Does that–uh–did that make sense?” he asked, voice barely above a whisper and you nodded. A small thing that barely registered and he was so close now. Close enough his nose nearly brushed your cheek, getting closer by the second and–

“Harrington! Where are those bottles? I gotta get ‘em loaded up!” Eddie yelled from the other side of the RV and the space between you shattered. Both of you stepping away as though you’d touched a hot stove and you pressed the bat into Steve’s hands.

“Should probably get ready,” you muttered and he nodded, cleared his throat and took two big steps back to set the bat down.

“Coming!” Steve called back as he scooped up the box of molotov cocktails, bottles clinking against each other as he walked away and disappeared around the corner of the RV.

King Steve turned Steve Harrington.

Steve Harrington turned something else.

Something more.

Something you thought you’d written off.

Something that held you so tightly now it made you want to run, but at the back of your mind, somewhere soft and warm, you couldn’t help wondering what might happen if you didn’t.

[ NOTE: THIS IS PART THREE OF A – POSSIBLY – FIVE PART SERIES, PART FOUR AND FIVE TO COME SOON ]

crappymixtape™ • steve harrington masterlist // stranger things masterlist♥️ reblogs and comments keep me going, friends! ily! ♥️

#stranger things #stranger things fanfiction #stranger things fic #steve harrington #steve harrington fanfic #steve harrington x reader #steve harrington x you #steve harrington x fem #steve harrington stranger things #steve stranger things #steve x you #steve fanfic #steve x reader #steve x fem #steve harrington series #steve harrington fic #steve harrington imagine #steve harrington angst #because of you #steve harrington smut #steve harrington fanfiction #steve harrington fluff

[eoieopda]

CONGRATS ON THE MILESTONE BABY, here have some flowers 💐

here i come with a humble request 🫡

i was thinking of a hobi + secret relationship trope... maybe smutty too if you're up for it lol 👉🏽👈🏽

can't wait for the drabbles you're gonna write omg 😭🤲🏽

what lua wants, lua gets 🫡 tbh i think this is one of my favorite things i’ve ever written, so tysm for unwittingly setting that stage 🫣

the one where hoseok plays with fire

pairing: degenerate!hoseok x afab!reader type: (d) angst, smut (18+) | wc: 1.6k au: secret/forbidden relationship, rival gangs, romeo & juliet kinda vibes 🤫 cw: acknowledgement of membership in street gangs but just to explain the dynamic (no depictions of gang activity); minor threat (not the band, just the potential consequences of their actions); public (ish?) sex; unprotected p in v penetration; not much in the way of foreplay because i’m operating under a word limit, lol; biting, a lil bit; gratuitous imagery of hoseok wearing chains 🫣 a/n: this popped into my head while listening to $20 by boygenius on reeeeepeeeeaaaaat. def check out this song (and the record!) there’s a direct quote from the song in the dialogue, btw. credit for that bolded bit goes to julien thee baker.

There’s a decommissioned junkyard outside of town. It sits within a constellation of run-down warehouses and empty parking lots, and has a gravitational pull all its own. Finding it doesn’t take much, just fifteen minutes on the expressway, two turns at perpetually-blinking traffic lights, and a specific strain of desperation not many will ever know the likes of. It’s desolate and depressing, but despite all that, it’s a sanctuary.

A hill to die on.

You’d spent more time there lately than you’d ever be free to admit. A veritable coffee stain on a map, you’re not sure that its existence on that side street was anyone’s conscious decision. Likewise, you can’t say for certain that the drop of its name would mean anything to anyone. It means everything to you, however, so asking after recognition isn’t a risk you’re willing to take.

You’re risking enough as it is.

As is usually the case, you’re the first to arrive. When you do, you ignore the dirt that kicks up with every step and swirls around your bare ankles; and you keep walking until you reach your usual perch. The bare-bones, American-made t-top sits where it seemingly always has: on cinder blocks. It’s older than you by thirty years or so, but it groans with vigor when you grip hard to the frame, slide your foot over the exposed wheel hub, and hoist yourself onto the hood.

The bare skin on the back of your thighs is chilled instantly by the paint-chipped metal below you. It loses more and more of its smoothness the longer it sits out, exposed to the elements, but then again, so do you. Maybe that’s why this spot is a hard-fought favorite of yours.

Your crows’ nest, your perfect vantage point. A place to sit and play look-out while your eager eyes scan the driveway ahead.

You hear him before you see him, but that’s purposeful. Hoseok kills the headlamp on his motorcycle before he comes anywhere near the junkyard — just in case, baby. The rumble of his four-stroke engine is one you can feel in your stomach long after he shuts it off. Even when he parks that pristine, second-hand Hyosung somewhere only he’d be able to find it again. Still, when he finally steps under the yellow glow of the street lamp — your only source of light, save for the moon — and he’s all you see.

Hoseok keeps his pace casual as he makes his way to you, but his anticipation is visible in his posture. He’s swallowing words, based on the blatant twitch of his jaw. Always clenched to keep from calling out to you, as if the abandoned area wasn’t chosen for its ability to keep your secrets.

With much more ease than you, he jumps and pulls himself up to the car hood to meet you. The metal creaks under the weight of his body, but when it hovers over you, it’s a sigh of relief. A millisecond can’t pass by before he cages your head in between his arms — palms pressed against the dusty windshield — and swoops down to capture your kiss.

“Missed you,” he mumbles against your lips. His tone is low, hushed, and yet still sandpaper-course in a way that screams I mean it. The distance at which his limited words keep you is contrary to the way he holds you — close to the chest like your feelings are as fleeting as moments like this, gently as if you’ll break apart in his hands.

Like he loves you.

Your fingers instinctively thread themselves in his wind-swept hair — no helmet, no surprise there — and now it’s his turn to sigh. Hoseok tries to pull away, likely to gaze at you the way he always wants to, but you claim his bottom lip between your teeth and refuse to let him — this — go.

It sounds so silly without full use of his mouth:

“Baby,” he warns.

You release him with a smirk, brushing the tip of your nose against his. There’s enough fondness in his eyes to drown in and you would, in a heartbeat, if time was ever on your side.

“Good girl.”

The delicate, cuban-link chain around his neck glints in the half-light. Little slivers of silver dance across your own collarbone as it sways in the space between your bodies. A little constellation, guiding you North from your southside trap to a home you can’t have.

You, who can never seem to leave well-enough alone, run the thin, interlocking rectangles between the tips of your thumb and middle finger. You know you shouldn’t, but you pout, “You’re late.”

Hoseok’s expression says more than he does. You hear, “I know,” but you see, “I didn’t have a choice and I never will.”

He grunts when he sits up onto his knees. Wordlessly, he spills over your side and collects into a puddle in the space next to you. Once he settles, he stares up at the sky. You know he’s focused on something even further away.

“Did someone follow?” You ask gently.

Hand slipping easily into his, your fingers interlock. Links in a chain. Never an accessory to be worn in public.

Hoseok’s mouth pulls up slightly at one corner; and you know what that looks means. It means twenty minutes down the drain, shaking a tail before he can make his way to you. It means that, next time, you may need to find a different hiding spot.

The arm furthest from yours is draped over his abdomen. He moves it, and you move to hover in the space he’s cleared for you. Anchored with your knees on either side of his hips, you cup his jaw with the hand not holding his. For you, he lets himself soften, leans into the warmth of your palm.

You don’t normally say the obvious out loud, but reality doesn’t always stay in the cage you try to lock it in. “We’re playing with fire.”

“In another life,” Hoseok replies wistfully while his fingernails scratch — affectionately, teasingly, cautiously — down the expanse of your bare thigh. “We were arsonists.”

When he kisses you a second time, it’s enough for you to forget where you are. No longer in a junkyard on the outskirts of town, no longer on opposite sides of a line in the dirt, no longer trying to shove flowers into the front of a shotgun.

It’s enough.

It’s routine. You hike up the hem of your dress while he unzips his black jeans. Those are pushed down while your thong is pushed to the side; and so is the thought that this is the most of him you can have. You don’t get all of him, can’t lave your needy tongue over all of him, because it’s not safe to love him with all the layers cast aside. It’s practical, promotes a quick getaway in the event one is needed.

It’s enough, you think again, like repetition will make it true.

It’s perfect. Both of you keen when he enters you. Your thighs tremble; your walls grip him tight as they reacclimate to the stretch his cock demands. Hoseok notices your rapid blinking when you settle down on him. He knows without having to ask, kisses you through an ache that isn’t physical at all. It, like him, stays where it’s kept: in the left side of your rib cage.

“Shit,” he grunts. “Feel so perfect, baby — fuck.”

You roll your hips against him, taking him all the way and dragging the curve of his cock over that secret spot inside you. Aren’t they all? His fingernails leave impermanent, crescent indents in your thighs. You try not to care that the moon looming overhead is unapologetically full — and present every night.

There’s a newfound desperation in the way Hoseok clings to you. He digs the heels of his boots into the Stringray’s hood, hands pulling you down onto his cock while he fucks upwards into you. It drives him insane when you swirl your hips with him buried inside you, so you do, smirking like the devil.

You burrow into his neck to leave wet, open-mouthed kisses on any hint of skin you find. As you do, your fingers return to his hair and tie themselves off. If you chain yourself to him this way, maybe you can stay this way.

A quick nip at his neck unearths a groan that makes your cunt flutter around him. Tragically, no sign of you or your teeth is left behind on the side of his throat. Still, you kiss it better, whispering, “Could fuck you like this forever, baby.”

“Oh, my love,” his breath is hot against your ear when he chuckles darkly, “You hear the way your pussy is gushing all over my cock? You won’t last forever.”

His thrusts deepen. Hoseok is dead-set on unraveling you, thread by thread.

“In fact —”

Your teeth pinch his lobe. Hoseok snaps his hips forcefully in response, and your gasp echoes over the rusted squeak of a worn-out suspension. It briefly overpowers the muted slap of his pelvis colliding with the underside of your thighs. It doesn’t compare with his breathless laugh, though, not by a long-shot.

“Little vampire,” he chides you with a grin that takes effort. You mewl when his fingertips press bruises into the flesh of your ass. “Don’t think you’ll last another minute.”

Hoseok is a lot of things; and while frustrating is one of them, wrong rarely is.

It’s white hot, the uncontrolled pleasure burning through your core, and your vision matches when your wildfire orgasm ignites. Fingers searching for purchase grip tight to his jacket. Your heavy head dips forward as you cry out. Like always, you fall apart at the seams over him.

Slumped against him, he envelopes you in his arms as he fucks straight through your high and into his. Spent in every way that matters, you can’t fight off the sob that starts in the pits of your chest and crawls out of your mouth. The shiver down your spine can’t be blamed on the wind.

“Hey,” Hoseok murmurs, petal soft, “Baby, no, don’t cry.”

He takes your face in your hands and leaves you no choice but to look at him. With concern wearing creases into his forehead, he smatters kisses on every part of your crestfallen face. He whispers promises between each as he goes.

It’s okay — We’ll figure this out — I love you — We’ll be alright, you and me — I love you.

And even if it’s not all true, it’s enough.

Enough to keep you going.

Enough to glue your broken pieces back together.

Enough to keep you both from noticing the faint hum of an engine in the driveway.

#re: the one where hoseok plays with fire #jhs #hobi #jung hoseok #hoseok x reader #hoseok x you #hobi drabble #hoseok smut #hoseok imagine #hoseok drabble #hoseok scenarios #bts #bts drabble #bts imagine #bts scenarios #btshoneyhive #trashlibrary #lua! #moots #jade’s drabbles #jade’s requests #2k drabblepalooza