#idk I look back 3 years ago and I have no idea how I’ve clinged on to life for this long like should just die & get it over with lmao

[onisiondrama]

There's this gaming channel on youtube, "Let's game it out". The second I clicked on it I heard what sounded like Greg/James. I did some research, and it seems the first videos were with two guys, "Josh" and "Anthony". Even back then, people thought something was off, they sounded so alike, and people thought they were the same person. Then "Anthony" disappeared for some reason, and now it's just "Josh". Could this be Greg? He's so good at manipulation, but if it is him, I'm actually impressed.

There has been some speculation on this for a while. Long story short, no.

I’ve looked into this and there are three main reasons I don’t think they are the same person. First is over the years Josh sometimes uploads photos of his recording spaces and they never look anything like anywhere James has lived or worked at. Second is Josh consistently uploads, even when James is on a “fuck Youtube” phase or is going through something in his personal life. James isn’t really one to schedule new videos super in advanced. Lastly, I think when Youtube demonetized James, they would have included LGIO on their email if his name was connected to the account. I know they only mentioned 3 of James’ 14 known channels, but I think Youtube may have chosen what channels they mentioned and / or demonetized based on views or subscribers. If that’s true, LGIO definitely would have been included because it has way more subscribers than any of James’ channels and gets millions of views.

(You guys can stop reading here if you just wanted the answer to the question because I just ramble for the rest of the post lol)

Sometimes I think Josh sounds like James with a voice changer and sometimes I think they sound nothing alike. I think the voice connection mainly comes from the way they deliver jokes. It’s very similar tone and timing wise. They could have grown up in the same area or had the same comedic influences growing up. BUT I will say, after listening to Onision and UhOhBro videos since 2010, I think the jokes Josh comes up with are sometimes a little more intelligent/clever than what James usually comes up with. They both have a childish sense of humor, but Josh doesn’t always resort to the same obvious digs and tropes James tends to repeat. Especially when James is making gaming content. James’ comedy skill level goes significantly down when he plays games because he has to come up with jokes on the spot while the game is still moving and that’s something he never got good at. This is why when James was more popular, his audience would always complain when he would try to incorporate gaming into UhOhBro. It was really not good. You can basically hear the steam coming out of his ears as he tries to come up with commentary. It’s the even more obvious if you watch the re-uploads of his more recent gaming streams (direct link). Also, Josh doesn’t stoop as low as James does for jokes and his vocabulary seems bigger than James’.

The only think I found that was slightly interesting when digging a couple years ago is around when Josh used to work with Anthony, James was hanging out a lot with Toby Turner and they uploaded some selfies in front of recoding equipment. When I looked into that more, the dates of James and Toby’s friendship/meet ups didn’t line up well with the time period when Josh and Anthony were uploading together. I never mentioned this before because there was a person or group of people who used to campaign around the internet trying to convince people James and Josh were the same person. It got to the point where Josh had to make a public statement about it.

Even though that Toby connection was not a solid one, I thought back then people might cling onto it if I ever mentioned it because they were already obsessed with the idea of James having a successful secret channel and it would be even more juicy if another canceled high profile Youtuber was in on it as well. I would like to find out what it actually was that James and Toby recorded together, but most of the evidence of their meets ups are lost to time.

I have considered the theory that Josh and Anthony were the same person, but idk about that. To me that seems like an unnecessary and timely thing to do for a gaming video. I can see why people think that though, I have a really hard time telling them apart when I try to listen to their early videos.

Two last thoughts. One is now that I see how many views LGIO gets, I don’t think James and Kai would have had to downgrade their home if they were making that much money.

Lastly, I listened to an interview with Josh back when I was researching into the topic and the biggest thing that stuck out to me was the variety of games and childhood games he talked about. James almost exclusively talks about MGS and FFVII, especially when talking about his childhood. He even wrote about MGS in one of his books and started a MGS website as a teen.

[stardew-saloon]

perhaps,,, some sambastian...? idk maybe like seb takes sam on a bike ride? brain smooth i just like sambastian

Hi thanks this is the cutest idea ever ! This is all I’m gonna think about for the next twenty years. <3

I decided to do like. How it turns out in Seb’s ten heart event, where he smooches the Farmer for the first time!

This one is kind of long because I got carried away whoops !! Please enjoy uvu

Sambastian Bike Ride

Sam and Sebastian were hanging out in the basement, their perferred hangout spot as Jodi liked to come in unannounced quite often. They were watching whatever was on Sebasitan’s laptop, but neither were paying attention, too focused on how close they were to each other.

They weren’t ever very touchy. Lately, though, the two would gravitate towards each other. Their hands were graze each other when they walked and Sam could feel how warm Seb was when he would reach over him and try to teach him how to play pool properly.

Out of nowhere, Sebastian asks if Sam wants to go take a ride on his bike. He’d only mentioned wanting to ride it once or twice. Seb suspected he was scared of it, but he never said that.

Sam agrees almost immediately, his eyes lighting up in a way that Sebastian had grown to love. He thought Sam was annoying when he first moved in. They were both very young, with Sam’s father going off to war and Sebastian’s recently dying. They bonded over that after a couple months of Sebastian being angry at everything.

Now, though, their relationship was much better. Feelings had started to blossom years ago. Neither wanted to admit it, especially not Sebastian.

They get up from his bed, untangling themselves from the pile of blankets. Sebastian threw on one of his sweaters (which was really Sam’s, but he had stolen it), walking upstairs with Sam trailing behind.

They wave goodbye to Robin, barely getting out without an interrogation from Demetrius about where they were going and when they would come back.

Sebastian gets the bike out, taking out one of his extra helmets for Sam.

“You, uh. Might wanna do something about your hair.” Sebastian has to hold in his laughs when Sam looks confused. He makes a motion to show what Sam’s hair looks like, making them both break out in laughter. Sam pulls his hair back, tying it into a ponytail. Seb has to look away because his face is so red.

Once the helmets are on, Sebastian gets on first, followed by Sam. “If you don’t want to fall off, I suggest holding onto me.” Slowly, Sam’s arms wrap around his thin waist, holding onto it like his life depended on it. Seb doesn’t say anything, but he gives his hand a pat, giving him the reassurance it needs.

Seb starts up the bike, making his way to the top of the mountains, where he liked to hang out when he needed to clear his mind. Sam clings to him, tucking his head against his back. He can barely focus on driving, too distracted by how Sam was holding him.

Eventually, when they arrived to the summit of the mountain, they both take off the helmets. Sam is still pressed against his back, his arms wound around his waist.

Sebastian is still for a moment before he moves to get up, tugging Sam with him. “What is this place?” Sam asks. He’d never seen it before, and he lived here much longer than Sebastian did. Sebastian did always have the best hiding places when they played hide and seek as kids. Maybe this was one of them.

“It’s just the top of the mountain. Nothing special,” Sebastian says, pulling Sam towards the cliff side. There wasn’t much, like he implied, just a few trees scattered around and a broken down bench. Behind one of the trees was a ratty blanket, one he had brought up when he was younger and expertly hidden.

Seb sets it up, sitting down and patting the spot next to him. The sun had already set, leaving a sky full of stars. The stars were much clearer here than in Zuzu city. That was one thing he appreciated from living here, aside from the person sitting next to him.

Speaking of, Sam plopped down next to him, his arms behind him. “It’s nice up here. How come I’ve never seen it before?” He says it like a whine, gently shoving Sebastian.

Sebastian laughs, shoving him back. That’s how things always are between them, joking around. Like friends. That’s all they’ll ever be. The thought strikes a bit of sadness in his heart, but he ignores it. “It’s for special people.”

Sam pouts, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. “Aw, am I not special enough?” Seb pauses a beat, turning his face towards him. He’s just.. joking, right? It doesn’t feel like a joke.

Like a fool, Sebastian takes the bait. “No, you.. you are. You’re the most special person in my life, I think.” Sebastian has a soft smile on his face as he gazes up at Sam, their faces inches apart.

Their eyes meet for a moment, blue gazing into brown. Sebastian isn’t sure what happens next, but his eyes are closed and he feels Sam’s lips pressing against his gently. He returns the actions by wrapping his arms around his neck, his fingers tangling into his hair.

Sam’s arms coil around his waist, pulling Sebastian closer to him and leaning back to lay down with him, Sebastian on top. They pull away to smile at each other, followed by Sebastian’s head tucking in between his neck and his shoulder.

Sam laughs, squeezing the much shorter male close. “I didn’t know you thought so fondly of me, Sebby.” He laughs even more when he feels Sebastian bumps his nose against his cheek, huffing at him.

“I think more fondly of you when you don’t talk, Sammy.” He presses a kiss to his cheek, but that’s only met with another kiss from Sam. They’ll definitely need to have a talk about this later, but for now, they basked in each other presence, barely able to keep their hands off of each other.

It’s safe to say that Sebastian got a mouthful from Demetrius the next day when they come home at nearly 2 a.m, blushes on their faces and their hair messy.

They’re both happy, which is all that matters.

They start dating a few days later, telling Abby when it’s been a few weeks. They just wanted to be sure about everything, even though they’ve been sure about this since they were kids.

Robin gets told a month after, followed by Maru. She had always suspected there was something going on with them, but never wanted to make assumptions. Robin is incredibly supportive and starts treating Sam like another son. She swears to not tell Jodi until Sam and Seb say it’s okay, though.

Demetrius doesn’t ever get told. He has to figure it out when he sees Sam resting his hand in Sebastian’s back pocket. They were told to keep the touching to a minimum, but they didn’t listen to that very well.

Holy WOW I loved writing that. I don’t even care if that’s not what The People wanted, I had so much fun writing that and I literally wanna turn it into a fic now smh.

#stardew valley #sdv #stardew valley headcanons #sdv headcanons #sdv sam #sdv seb

[irwinkitten]

feisty | a.i | part two

notes: so this was deff requested after i posted feisty about 8 months ago lmao i got sent an anon who literally astounded me with their idea and so working off that, part two started to get created and honestly i love it so much. however, as i posted the other day, it reached 16k and i was like “this isn’t even halfway done i need to stop and reevaluate this” so i’ve decided it’s gonna be three parts with part three already started.  request: Hi I was thinking ab Feisty (I’m the one who requested a pt 2) but like I was really thinking about it and I absolutely adore the way Cassie was written. She’s strong, she’s powerful, and she knows what she wants. She never turned her back on the idea of a pack and being part of one even tho she’s human. I was wondering if maybe you could incorporate the idea of her having a wolf, but that wolf is locked inside of her, but it slowly makes it way out in different ways. Like the idea she’s a 1/?  Like one day she’s getting extremely riled up and all of a sudden only her eyes shift and everyone around her is like “um the FUCK Luna???” And no one knows how she was able to do that but then maybe she finds some sort of ancient script ab humans among werewolves and they’re actually extremely powerful and something to be feared bc they’re sent to guide the pack and all of a sudden it makes sense bc Roxanne and Trixie are both extremely smart and intelligent and the other humans within 2/? The pack that have come around during her time also have the same intelligence and wisdom that the wolves tend to overlook and it look Cassie for the packs to understand and appreciate their power and it’s like up to her to continue to push forward and make sure that all packs respect the humans as if they were a wolf themselves but inside the humans is a wolf more powerful that they’re in tune with which is why they are able to lead the pack and point out the flaws in plans and makes them so 3/? Valuable to the packs in different forms and she’s out here being bad fucking ass and she won’t take no for an answer and she just has all this power and she knows she might just be a human in many of the wolves eyes forever but she’ll be damned if she doesn’t go down trying to change that bc no one, I repeat no one, should disrespect her or the others like her bc they are not less than the wolves and idk that might not be the way you were thinking of taking it but it’s just what I imagine 4/? Bc I think it would be really cool to see the other wolves reactions to her having some sort of power within her that’s untapped, along w the other humans and the backlash and rebellion that could ensue. Like how are these ~humans~ so powerful they’re just that, filthy, disgusting humans and I think that would be a really cool spin on it but that’s just me lol. Tbh it’s time to go reread feisty again and just revel in how well written Cassie is and how much I am DYING for a part 2 5/5 ALSO sorry I was just thinking that you could make Roxanne’s mate someone powerful as well, showing that even those who are tortured are destined for greatness warnings: mentions of murder, death, word count: 14.2k lmao am i ever gonna write a small one shot that’s an oc? probably not.

part one

donate to my ko-fi here 

-

The low alarm that keened throughout the small town of werewolves, it was one of both comfort and panic. The panic was of those who had been living on the edge, scared to step from the packs boarders without a warrior or two within distance or sight. 

The comfort resided within the Alpha and Luna, both who had planned and expected this to happen. 

There was a traitor.

The pair peeled themselves away from the bed, both fully focused on the fact that what they had seen, what had been pointed out to them had come to fruition.

“Luna?” A soft voice came from one of the rooms below theirs as they reached the next floor below, both dressed in similar attire, yet the Alpha’s attire was less restrictive than the Luna’s.

“You were right Trixie.” The soft tone of reassurance did nothing to stop the teenagers lip from wobbling. 

“So many are going to be hurt.” She whispered dejectedly as the Luna opened her arms out to the young girl. She stepped forwards into the embrace.

“Come, the elders will insist you are awake.” 

Nothing was spoken as the young woman and her charge continued further down, heading into the office that was located on the ground floor.

“Luna Cassidy, it’s about time.” The scathing tone of the Elder of Vinewood Pack reached her, Cassidy Irwin drew herself to her full height, meeting the Elder with a hard glare.

“Trixie Teller is the one who foresaw this. Need I remind you that she is but a child in all of this? They may be rogues but they are waging war, Elder Greydown. The knowledge of such a thing being right is distressing for any wolf, let alone a human teenager.” She snapped in return. The Elder scowled but did not refute her argument.

“Elder Greydown, I do not want to remind you, yet again to respect my Luna.” Cassidy watched as the Elder bowed to her mate.

“My apologies, Alpha Ashton.” Cassidy ignored the slight against her and bundled the trembling teenager into the spot between herself and her mate. Ashton did not hesitate to let his arm wrap around the teenagers shoulders, and she leaned gratefully into her Alpha’s comfort.

“Beta Hemmings has made contact with the warriors on patrol. They know not to engage, and survey the attempted attack.”

“Who knew of the council meeting?” Another Elder spoke up. It took a second before Cassidy realised it was Elder Maybanks.

“None outside this circle were told. Not even young Trixie knew of this.” Eyes fell on the form of the still shaking human teenager whose eyes were heavy and her body exhausted.

The silence of the alarm was deafening and the howl that followed in its wake was pain filled.

“They found the traitor.” Trixie whispered. Cassidy wanted to shield her from the pain, the dull reminder of her loss of Talon still serving her as a constant reminder of the failure that haunted her dreams.

“Should the human even be here?” Elder Greydown spoke, his tone condescending.

“You are coming very close to insulting someone under my protection, Elder Greydown.” Cassidy snapped. She received a scoff in return and Elder Maybanks exploded.

“You teach our pups to be tolerant, yet you cannot be tolerant of the two humans who have served our pack faithfully! It begs the question, what kind of tolerance are you filling the pups heads with in the first place?” 

Ashton held back the growl of frustration. He knew the Elder’s struggling attitude with the changes that Vinewood Pack had undergone. 

“Now is not the time.” Cassidy spoke, her tone stern and unrelenting. Elder Greydown huffed, but did not argue with her. She shared a look with Ashton and Elder Maybanks. They knew that they would be asking Greydown to step down before the week was out.

A sharp hiss escaped from Trixie before it turned into a whimper. 

“He’s hurt. Abel is hurt.” She got out as Cassidy held her face, forcing the teenager to look at her.

“You are here and safe. Alpha Irwin is tracking each of the warriors.” She knew better than to make the promise that he would return safely.

“His brothers are with him. He’ll be healed before he gets home.” Ashton reassured the teenager who gave into the tears. Cassidy understood. She allowed the teenager to cling to her in comfort as Ashton moved to his desk, tapping away at the laptop.

“Rosewood has confirmed that it’s Leo.” Ashton muttered and she sighed as Trixie finally relaxed against her. She carefully lay her down on the couch, tucking the blanket around her.

“How bad?” Cassidy finally asked once the teenagers breathing evened out.

“Sixteen wolves were injured. Two are serious, but the pack doctor with them has reassured me that they’ll be okay eventually.” Ashton murmured and his gaze returned to the two Elders in the room.

“We will require you at the offices by noon.” Both of them bowed to Ashton. Elder Maybanks bowed to Cassidy, Elder Greydown did not.

“If he wasn’t an Elder, I’d have Calum break his neck.” She muttered darkly once Ashton nodded that the two Elders had indeed returned home.

“He’s going to be retired from his position. Are your new teachers ready to take over the position?” She sighed.

“I think so. But there’s still some animosity between Roxanne and Gwen.” Ashton sighed.

“Gwen believes that Roxanne is the reason for her Aunt and Uncles’ demise and her cousins restriction, doesn’t she?” Cassidy nodded.

“Gwen is still openly hostile with her, and as much as I have tried to ingrain that Roxanne was the victim, she will see nothing of it. Personally, I’m close to pulling Gwen off the course and moving her to something that isn’t so potentially volatile.” Ashton nodded at his mates words, allowing her to talk freely.

Ever since they had returned so many years ago from his first visit to her old pack, she’d planned with various teachers about teaching the pups to practice tolerance and acceptance of humans within the pack. It became more so when more humans had been born.

Only a handful, but Ashton could see that each of them were gifted. Born years apart, the youngest only being just shy of a year old, and the oldest at the age of six already, Ashton knew that changes needed to be made and fast. 

The human girl they had rescued so long ago, Roxanne Teller, had been a significant trigger for the changes. Cassidy was determined that no child should suffer the fate that she had suffered.

Just shy of her twenty first birthday, Roxanne had been determined to do her adoptive parents proud. And she had excelled with Cassidy as her mentor.

Her younger sister, Trixie, was in a league of her own. Freshly turned fifteen year old was an extrodinaire with technology. Ashton had been the one to encourage that. But when she had turned thirteen, she’d been gifted with prophetic visions.

The Moon Goddess, Selene had appeared to both Trixie, and the Irwins, to explain the prophetic nature of the teenagers dreams.

They were dreams that could not be altered by choices or decisions. They were outcomes that the fates had decided themselves. Cassidy, was rightfully angry with her Goddess for placing such a burden onto the shoulders of someone so young.

“They will be prophecies of the years you will experience and the years you will never see. They are to guide my children into the rightful acceptance that you have started.” 

Cassidy knew she could not remain angry with the fates if they had deemed Trixie their host to record prophecies for years to come. 

Many had complained of Ashton taking both girls under his wing, but at the Alpha’s conference, both Ashton and her previous Alpha, Isaac Lockard told them of the successes that Cassidy had. 

That was the day the first laws began to change. Abuse of a human born or mated into a pack would be met with penalties and jail time. Anything that could be seen as an attempted murder will be met with either exile or execution.

Alpha’s grumbled about that until Cassidy stood up on the podium, her eyes sharp as she snatched a dagger from one of the security wolves belts and sliced her hand open like she did to her own pack.

Alpha’s watched in fascinated horror as her blood trailed down her hand, dripping onto the stage. 

She’d forcefully pointed out that any attack on a human could be considered attempted murder because there was no accelerated healing. 

The High Council has been quick to distinguish parameters of what was considered abuse and what was considered an attack.

It wasn’t a lot, but it had been a start for Cassidy.

===

Both were used to sleepless nights, and this one was no different. Ashton had his werewolf stamina to keep him going, Cassidy relied on caffeine to keep her afloat.

When Trixie stirred, she jolted awake in shock, a short gasp of hair escaping as black curls seemed to fly everywhere, wild eyes searching the room.

“It happened.” It wasn’t a question but Ashton nodded anyway.

“We had some injuries, but they’ll make a recovery. We found the traitor.” 

The tone in Ashton’s voice had dropped from reassuring to deadly in seconds, and Trixie couldn’t help herself as she shuddered. Part of her was grateful to her Luna that she demanded Trixie be kept away from any kind of interrogation. 

She didn’t want to be on the end of Alpha Ashton’s tone.

The shrill ring of the phone made the teenager jump in fright and Cassidy smiled as Ashton answered the phone.

“Morning Isaac.” 

Something was spoken for a second as Ashton placed the phone handle face down before hitting the speakerphone button.

“You’re on speaker now, Isaac. Trixie is with us.” 

The other Alpha did not need to be told the warning in Ashton’s tone. Keep it teenager friendly.

“Leo was injured last night. Hope nailed him good, however he was rescued by a wolf waiting on standby. It looks like there are a few traitors from packs within their cause.” Cassidy sighed.

“We managed to catch ours, or at least the only one we hope we have. What about your side?” Cassidy finally asked.

“Dead.” Came the blunt response and Trixie gasped.

“Isaac.” Cassidy snapped back as she took a hold of Trixie’s hands. “There was nothing you could do for them, sweet girl.”

“My apologies Miss Teller. Unfortunately, there would’ve been no saving this wolf. The rogues had clawed into their very minds and warped their entire views.” Trixie finally nodded before a blush crept up her skin. 

“It’s forgiven, Alpha Isaac.” She finally got out and Ashton smiled at her reassuringly. “If I can be excused? I know that Rox wanted to meet for breakfast and she’ll crucify me if I’m late.” Ashton nodded.

The excuse was weak, but she was still too young in Ashton’s eyes.

Once the door had closed, Cassidy moved herself to Ashton’s lap, his arms winding around her waist.

“Who was it, Isaac?” 

“Gregory Sampson.” Cassidy closed her eyes at that, her heart sinking at the fact the sweet boy she knew had turned traitor. 

“Who discovered him?” She felt Ashton’s hand on her hip, his thumb rubbing slow circles into her skin. 

“Kallie Tyson.” Came the amused response and Cassidy snorted. 

“What tipped her off?” 

“She was there the day Leo was exiled. Apparently he hadn’t bothered to dampen his scent and she smelled him all over Sampson. She’s been wary of a lot of wolves after the whole debacle years ago. When she realised the scent, she went to patrol and alerted them.” Isaac explained and she sighed. 

“Was Sampson executed immediately?” Ashton’s tone was a lot more calmer than the harsh tones he’d spoken earlier. 

“No. We got him for all the information that he was worth. I know that another two packs caught traitors, not including yours. Cassidy I’d say collate with the other strategists. Get the information any way possible and work through it.” A low sigh escaped her lips and Isaac paused. “Cassie?” 

She tried not to groan, she knew that when her old Alpha called her Cassie, it was his way of checking in with her as her surrogate family member and not her old Alpha. 

Before she could speak up, Ashton cut her off, giving her an apologetic glance. 

“Elder Greydown has been testing her patience. He’s been the one who has been teaching other pack Elders for tolerance with humans. However he borderline disrespects Cass in front of other Elders and pack members.”

Cassidy found she couldn’t be angry with Ashton as she laid her head on his shoulder, pressing a gentle kiss to his cheek to convey that she wasn’t mad at him. 

Isaac growled audibly. 

“I’m assuming that his position is about to become open to other Elders?” 

“Yes and no.” Cassidy answered calmly. “I’ve been training pack members to take over that role. However there’s been animosity between the two of them so I may ask for an outside Elder to come in and learn but then teach other packs.” 

“I’ll speak with Elder Orion. You know he forever asks after you.” Cassidy grinned. 

“That’s because I’m respectful to my elders, old timer.” She teased and Isaac barked out a laugh. 

“Alright trouble. Get in touch when you want to plan with the strategists. I’ll spread the word to the other packs.” 

“Appreciated Isaac.” Ashton muttered before the line went dead and Cassidy sighed. 

“How long do we have until we need to be at the offices?” This earned a tired groan from Ashton. 

“I don’t want to have to deal with Greydown’s disrespect. I’m hoping that the other Elders being there will reign him in but I’m not going to hold my breath. We need to start moving now if we want to get there on time.” 

Cassidy moves from her mates arms, but not before giving him a gentle kiss. He smiled in return before pushing himself up and the two headed to get changed from the black outfits they’d worn in preparation. 

Part of Cassidy was raging. Angry that rogues would make this attempt. Another part of her was filled with sorrow, knowing full well that there would be packs that would collapse from that kind of onslaught. 

By the time the two had reached the offices, her mind was whirling. She greeted the Elders that were gathered, unsurprised at the lack of respect from Greydown. 

It hit her. 

She kept her body relaxed, refusing to give away her realisation. She knew that the moment he was discovered, it would either cause more problems or give them their solutions. 

Taking Ashton’s hand in hers was always normal. Absentmindedly, she began to trace letters into his palm, making out soft patterns at each space so the game wouldn’t be given away. 

The Elders knew she was very touchy with her mate for good reason. They eventually got used to their Luna’s quirks, barely concealed amusement on their lips at the resigned look on their Alpha’s face when she threw herself into the architectural planning of new homes. 

Ashton understood her message, immediately switching to plan B. They’d concocted this plan when lay together, her mind frazzled with worry of a traitor being someone so close to them they’d never suspect it. 

“Greydown.” 

“Yes Alpha?”

“Tell me Greydown, why do you respect me but not my mate? And if you utter a word about her humanity, I’m sure she will take gleeful pleasure in throwing you from the window.” Ashton’s casual comment was met with a look of fear. 

He pinned the older man down with a dead stare, the mirth gone from his face. 

“She doesn’t know how to run a pack. And as your Luna, she still falls under your command yet flounces it regardless.” Both Irwins could see the hesitation. His words were just another dig at her humanity without outright saying the words. 

“Tell me Elder Greydown, I have ever disrespected your authority?” Cassidy started. Ashton leaned back with a smirk. 

“No, Luna.” 

“Have I ever been found lacking with my leadership, especially when I was appointed the Head of the strategists?” His smirk grew wider. Greydown became slightly flustered, his cheeks dark as he avoided looking at her. 

“No Luna.” 

“Look at me.” Her voice rang with the authority she held as the Alpha’s mate and Greydown’s head snapped up, staring at her in shock and awe. 

“Why do you believe that my humanity is a problem then? Everyone knows a wolf's mate is their ultimate weakness. Why is my humanity a deciding factor in that too? Or do you just hate humans on principle?” Greydown kept his lips pressed shut. “Answer me, Elder Greydown.” Her voice rang with the authority once more and he found himself unable to keep his mouth closed much longer. 

“They’re a disease that needs to be taken under control. We’ve had six runts born since you arrived and clearly it’s knowledge of a disease to spread to packs, to ruin the hierarchy.” 

Ashton’s smirk had fallen from his lips, standing from his chair as he stalked forward, closing the distance between the two. 

Cassidy didn’t even try to stop her mate. She’d learned fast he was a possessive mate at the best of times but anyone disrespecting her? 

She could only hope for Greydown that Ashton was in a kind mood. 

“Watch how you speak about my mate, Greydown.” The growl was low, a warning. 

Greydown scoffed in return. 

“I will speak of the human how I want. She wants to believe she’s Luna so badly.” 

The room froze at the Elders words, Ashton glancing back to his mate who had closed her eyes in rage and frustration. 

She paid no mind to the others as she rose from her seat, her eyes snapping open and glaring at Elder Greydown. She didn’t miss how his eyes widened and his cheeks drained of their colour. 

“You have no right to speak to me like that. Let alone the other humans in this pack who will outsmart you six ways to Sunday. You’re relieved of your duties of teaching tolerance. Tell me, would Leo Lockard treat this failure with the retribution he tried to give to me?” 

The shock turned to horror. He attempted to move but found himself being pinned down. 

“Sit still.” Cassidy snapped, her anger flooding dangerously. Greydown froze and didn’t move. 

“Get him out of here.” Ashton snapped to the two guards that had restrained Greydown. His attention turned to Cassidy. 

“Love, you need to calm down.”

“Why?” Ashton didn’t respond to her, merely pulling her to the mirror that sat in the office. 

She stared at herself in shock, fingers reaching up to touch her skin, her eyes focused on the amber coloured eyes that stared back in shock. 

Her gaze met Ashton’s as he pressed a kiss to her forehead. 

“We can ask around other Elders. They’ll have something we can work on, with what’s going on.” Cassidy found her voice lost as she looked back to the mirror, watching as the amber coloured eyes faded, leaving her bright green eyes confused and tired.

===

It’d been days since Greydown had been exposed as a traitor to the pack. Ashton had kept the techniques used quiet, but he relayed all the information that Greydown had given them. 

Part of Cassidy was screaming at her, telling her that something was off with the information.

“Ashton, I’m not saying that I don’t believe you-” The gentle smile from her mate as he cut her off relaxed her tense shoulders.

“-but it feels like something is wrong. I know sweetheart. But we’ve tried every tactic.” Ashton climbed into bed with her, her body automatically pressing against his as they fell into their positions easily. 

Sometimes Cassidy marvelled at the bond. Their first year together was almost purely physical, like they were trying to reconnect their souls. And she’d guessed that in a sense they were. But the smallest thing would set Ashton off, and vice versa. 

They learned what buttons could be pressed and what they needed to avoid. And after the first year, it calmed down so fast part of her wondered if it had just been a bizarre yet realistic dream. 

When it had come to nights, they could share the night easily, no hastily ripped off clothes or pushing their delights into the early hours of the morning. Some days Cassidy just enjoyed being held by her mate, and others she enjoyed the way he ravished her until the early break of dawn. 

Tonight was a night where she was content to lay in his arms, fingers trailing up and down her skin.

“Would you be willing to let me try?” Her question made him tense, but she was surprised he didn’t outright reject the idea immediately. This caused her to turn her head towards her mate who was wearing a contemplative look on his face.

“That wouldn’t be a bad idea. He wouldn’t expect you.” 

“And we can see if what happened the other day happens again. It looked like he couldn’t even fight my orders, although he must’ve tried.” Cassidy’s tone was convincing, hardly daring to believe that her mate was even considering this. 

“It’s one way of looking at it. But also, if he’s the only traitor to the pack, he’s the only one that knows about your eyes and the slight change. It means we have an avenue to look into that people may underestimate you for.” She could see that his mind was disappearing down various ideas. So she reached up and kissed him softly.

“We’ll keep considering my handsome mate. But both of us need rest, especially if I get to do this tomorrow.” The tease was delicate but Ashton could only grin. 

“As you wish, my love.” 

The following morning, Trixie was waiting for the couple at the breakfast bar. The majority of wolves that lived in the main pack house had either gone to school or work, or they’d be returning home from their shifts in the next few hours.

“Alpha.” Ashton took in Trixie’s exhausted state, her hands trembling but the determination set on her face intrigued him.

“Yes Miss Teller?” 

She’s following formalities, Cassidy mused as she remained at Ashton’s side.

“Selene came to me last night. She has instructed me to oversee the next three days.” Immediately Ashton tensed and Cassidy wondered if he was going to change his mind about her dealing with the traitor.

Then it dawned on her that the techniques he’d most probably used wouldn’t be good for a fifteen year old human to see.

“What were her exact words, Miss Teller?” Ashton’s response was calm, but Cassidy knew her mate better.

“Tell your Alpha that the next three days are crucial for you. A prophecy will be in play that you do not understand, but must follow through.” Ashton hummed as he took in her exhausted appearance.

“What happened in the dream, Trix?” Her body seemed to sag at the use of her name as tears flooded her face.

“It was Roxanne.” Dread filled Cassidy’s stomach.

“She was h-hurt so badly. But no one cared about her!” Ashton was quicker than Cassidy as he soothed the distressed teenager. “S-she was dying, in the middle of a road. They hurt her so much. Tied her to a kennel and left her in the wilderness.” Cassidy froze. 

“Sweetheart, what else happened?” 

“She was crying for our Luna, but they laughed. They-they-” She was sobbing into Ashton’s chest now, her words cut off from her sobbing but when the two mates shared a look, they knew exactly what she had seen.

Her nightmare had been a mixture of what had actually happened to her older sister with her own nightmare of Cassidy never answering the call she’d made as a child. Cassidy left her mate to comfort Trixie as she called Roxanne.

“Luna?” Her voice was groggy and tired.

After the prophetic dreams began, Rae Teller had requested that Trixie remain in the pack house, knowing that the urgency and frequency of these dreams would be too much for the teenager. It’d distressed both the sisters and parents when the move first happened and Trixie was struggling, feeling like her parents were rejecting her.

However Rae called her every night for a month and visited as often as her new job would allow. She’d rediscovered her talent in peacekeeping, and often went on envoys with her husband to attempt to settle various conflicts. 

Trixie then understood the need of her job and was the first to convince her parents to make the first trip when she was fourteen. Roxanne had already moved out of the pack house by that point but the sisters would meet for lunch before their respective school hours and work hours and almost always shared dinners together.

“You’re needed at the pack house today.” She responded softly.

“Is Trixie-”

“Your sister is fine. I’ll explain when you get here.” Cassidy cut her off calmly, knowing that she needed to be the voice of reason at this point.

Roxanne hated her past, she never opened up about it to anyone apart from the therapist that Ashton had convinced her to see not long before her eighteenth birthday. She’d resisted till she broke down in front of her Alpha. That was her turning point.

She’d never talked about the details to her parents, but they knew she’d been abused. However it had been some kind of unanimous agreement that Trixie would never learn of the horrors Roxanne suffered.

Their Goddess had taken the decision from their hands and shown her in her dreams in the worst way possible.

When Roxanne arrived, her hair dishevelled and clothes seemingly the first things she could pull on-sweatpants and a tank top-Cassidy intercepted her at the door.

“I need to tell you so it doesn’t shock you. Our Goddess came to Trixie last night.” Immediately Roxanne was wary, her dirty blonde hair falling in front of her eyes as she pulled it into a loose bun.

“Luna, what did she show her?” 

“There’s something that’s going to happen today, I’m going to see the traitor we caught,” Roxanne’s eyes widened, “she was told she needed to be with me as it happened. However, the Goddess emphasised her point by showing you.” 

“Me?”

“Specifically, what happened to you before I found you.” Cassidy watched as Roxanne took a step back, her face filled with shock followed by anger. Then resignment.

“It scared her, didn’t it?”

“She’s clinging to my mate sobbing her heart out, distressed because she saw you getting hurt. Apparently you called out for me and I never came.” That in itself was distressing for Cassidy, to turn her back on someone in need.

Roxanne didn’t hesitate to hug her Luna tightly.

“You came for me regardless. And you came for her too.” Cassidy felt slightly guilty, her own distress at the words eating her up. But Roxanne didn’t relent as she pulled away and looked towards the kitchen.

Cassidy needed no further encouragement as she led Roxanne to the kitchen to find that Ashton had sat on the bar stool, Trixie was sat cradled in his lap like a child. His voice was soothing, the sobbing having receded to gentle hiccups of noises as his fingers worked through her dishevelled jet black curls. 

All Cassidy could think at that moment was how good a father he would be when they were ready.

“Trix?” Roxanne’s voice was hesitant and Cassidy watched as the younger sister scrambled off Ashton’s lap, launching at her sister, the tears still streaming down her face.

“Alpha told me that it was real. Please, please tell me he’s lying.” Cassidy could feel the tears prick the corner of her eyes. Roxanne’s were falling down her cheek.

“Alpha wasn’t lying, baby. Before Luna saved me, those nasty people who had me, hurt me in the worst ways. But then Luna rescued me, and brought me to you, where momma was the first wolf to show an ounce of love towards me.” 

“R-rox.” the younger Teller’s voice trembled as she gasped her sisters name, but Roxanne shushed her, soothing her back curls with her hands as she pulled away to look her sister in the eyes.

“Then you came in, sat atop our Alpha’s shoulders and asked me to be your sister, that your warrior would protect us both and we’d have big brothers who are teddy bears.” Cassidy pressed her lips to stop the giggle at the description of Josh and Jacob. 

The twins had lived up to that description, both of them forming solid friendships with the girls as they got older. No other wolf dared to insult the girls, knowing that it would get back to the warriors and they’d be facing a pissed off Alpha.

“I was reborn that day because of you, Trixie. You, momma and pops gave me a new life that I wanted. Whatever our Goddess showed you was probably true, I was treated with cruelty and hatred. But I found love in abundance with you.” 

It wasn’t much longer till Trixie had calmed down enough to let her sister go, only to return to her Alpha and accept the hug that he offered her.

“I’m assuming our Goddess showed you that to show what could most likely happen. She’s done it before so we’ll follow her guidance for now. But any signal that you want out, just show and we’ll get you out of there, okay?” Trixie nodded against his shoulder before he moved and began to make breakfast.

Roxanne sat down, throwing a cheeky smirk to her Alpha.

“It’s not often you get an Alpha making breakfast for you Trix. Maybe I need to come by more often.” 

“You can make your own breakfast, ratbag.”

“Hey, I came over here at your mates request! I was lying in the most comfortable bed at the time.” Roxanne whined in return, earning a laugh from Ashton.

“I doubt your mate would appreciate you calling him a bed.” Roxanne snorted.

“He makes the bed worth the comfort, but he doesn’t match the comfort of that bed and he knows it.” Ashton laughed, Trixie’s own soft giggles joining in and Cassidy smiled as she realised their ploy. 

To make the teenager giggle. 

When they reached the pack offices, Trixie was a lot more relaxed. Roxanne had foregone this trip, not entirely comfortable with the idea of watching an interrogation.

Ashton didn’t begrudge her this, instead asked her to coordinate with the other Elder’s with Elder Maybanks. The Elder never questioned the change, knowing that the disrespect would never have gone unpunished in Ashton’s eyes.

Cassidy felt her nerves, knowing that pack eyes were on her whether they’d announced this or not. People looked to how she dealt with situations and this was another one.

Calum greeted them with ease, pulling Trixie into a bear hug which made her giggle. 

“Everything okay little bird?” His voice was quiet and she nodded her head, glancing at Ashton. He nodded it in return. 

“Selene came to me last night.” Calum raised a curious eyebrow at that. 

“She decided to show her something that involved her sister.” Cassidy’s voice was tight and Calum gave her a confused look before she shook her head subtly. 

He took the indication and moved the subject forward. 

“So that was what drew my mate from me first thing? Sounds fair. Didn’t think I’d see you here though, little bird.” The statement wasn’t laid with curiosity as the group finally moved, Trixie pulling away to move back to Cassidy’s side. 

“I was told to be here.” Was the only reply she could give. Ashton smiled at her before motioning to his Head Warrior to hold fire. 

Calum fell silent as they made their way through the offices, his stern glare making wolves pause in their approach. 

Abel held no such qualms when he realised who was with his Alpha. 

“You’re safe.” Trixie breathes before rushing to meet him, her arms going around his neck as she held him tightly. 

“I’m sorry. Jacob got to me quick enough so it’s only desk duty for a few days rather than weeks.” He murmured in return and she simply held him a little bit tighter. 

Cassidy watched with relief as he comforted her and she shared a small smile with both Ashton and Calum. 

Abel had been invaluable to the Tellers. After his discovery that Trixie was his mate, he made every effort to help them get Roxanne settled into what should’ve been a life that she should’ve experienced growing up. 

Trixie was kept in the dark about her mate until she moved into the pack house and finally understood that loving her best friend the way she did was okay because he was hers. 

When Ashton offered to allow Abel to stay in the pack house she shook her head almost immediately; to Ashton’s confusion and Cassidy’s amusement. 

“I-I don’t want that with him. Not yet.” Her voice was timid and Cassidy understood. 

Ashton wasn’t quite so understanding. 

“But he’s your mate?” Cassidy took pity on her own mate. 

“She’s not ready to explore that side of their relationship. He’s her best friend and she’s comfortable enough to admit that she loves him but this is new territory for her. Not to mention, I doubt she wants anything untoward happening under her Alpha’s roof.” Cassidy’s explanation had sent Trixie red as a tomato, her eyes unable to meet her Alpha or Luna’s gazes.

But she nodded.

Then the light-bulb clicked for Ashton and he pressed his lips to hold back a laugh. He knew that laughing at the young human would distress her. 

“Don’t be ashamed of your choice, Trixie. You know Abel will wait for you.” Ashton finally managed without choking on the words. 

She’d fled soon after and then Ashton had laughed at the fact that she was so mortified. 

But in that moment, the way her hands fluttered around his face-her eyes and hands searching for any visible injuries-it was painfully obvious how much she cared for him. 

“Abel, with us if you will?” Ashton instructed as the group began to move once more. Trixie was torn between her Luna and her mate and Cassidy simply came up to her other side so that she was sandwiched between them. 

Two more wolves followed behind whilst Ashton and Calum took the lead. 

The group remained silent until they reached the elevator, only daring to talk as they passed underground level. 

“Why is Trixie here, Alpha?” Abel finally asked and Cassidy just nodded at Ashton’s brief glance. 

“She’s here because we found the traitor. Elder Greydown. We’ve tried to get all the information, however we’re not sure to trust it so religiously. So my mate is going to take a crack at him. According to Selene, Trixie must be with her.” Abel felt his stomach jolt as they reached the lowest level. 

Cassidy took pity on the warrior wolf, his eyes darting to an oblivious Trixie. 

“She was shown what happened to her sister.” Calum blanched at that, his sharp gaze meeting Cassidy’s. 

“She didn’t.” He barely got out, his eyes flickering to Trixie who had seemed to hunch in on herself once she’d registered the conversation. 

The group reached the first offices available to them which in turn gave Calum a second to pull his own composure as he sat down with Trixie. 

“Have you spoken to Rox since the dream, little bird?” She nodded her head. “Do you understand what happened in the dream?” 

She hesitated. 

“I understand some of it. But not all of it.” She whispered and Calum wiped his hand down his face, a slow breath escaping him. 

“Calum, I do not need her distressed before the interview.” Ashton warned and Cassidy sighed. 

“She needs to understand it. As much as I hate the fact that Selene took the decision from all of us, she needs to understand the actions of those wolves and the consequences that followed.” Ashton frowned at his mate but did not contradict her as Calum leaned forward in his chair, elbows resting on his knees as his chin rested on his clasped hands. 

“Tell me what the Goddess showed you, little bird.” 

She described the dream in horrific detail, registering every mark and cut that had covered her sister's body in the dream. 

Abel had fallen into his stoic face, Cassidy belatedly realising he was there that day to see the aftermath. 

Calum was patient and wiped the tears that appeared on Trixie’s face as she described how both girls had been calling out for their Luna, but she never came. 

“I’m so sorry you had to witness that, little bird.” Calum murmured and she took in a shaky breath at his words. 

“Why did she show me that?” She finally whispered, the tears still in her eyes. Glancing to his Alpha, Calum rubbed his face with his hands before pulling away, a sigh escaping his lips. 

“Our goddess is showing you that we’re on the right path. That had Alpha Lockard not cared for our Luna like he did, she would’ve died. That the packs would’ve potentially fallen to rouges if this continues.” Cassidy felt her stomach twist as Ashton’s arm wrapped around her possessively. 

She couldn’t even find it in her to tell him to leave her be, because she knew on some level that hearing your mate might never have survived was difficult to hear. 

“Humans are at the centre of this. There’s something in play that we don’t know about yet, but Greydown knows something.” Ashton finally murmured and Calum nodded his head as they finally stood and made their way to the interrogation rooms. 

“If you need out, hit the door once. Twice if you need help.” Ashton murmured to Cassidy. She took a moment to see that he was genuinely worried, his eyes anxious and she placed her hand on his cheek, pressing a kiss to his lips. 

“We’ll be cautious.” She murmured, knowing it was entirely pointless but she needed him to know that the thought was there. 

Greydown openly smirked when they both entered the room, his arms bound behind his back, legs shackled to the chair he was sitting on. 

“The big bad Alpha decided to send the humans? Ha. That boy was never an alpha. He wanted to so desperately believe but letting humans do a wolf's work? Pathetic.” Cassidy kept silent, her eyebrow lifting up being the only indication that she was listening. 

This unnerved Greydown as Trixie followed her Luna’s example and kept her face impassive. 

‘Don’t say a word. He’ll crumble.’ A voice whispered to the young human. She gave no indication, no acknowledgement. Simply stared at Greydown. 

“Humans have been a bane to all the packs, to the lives we lead. Why should they be the ones who don’t have to hide?” 

Silence was his only answer once more. 

“Infections. The old prophets believed humans to be some kind of saviours of the packs. You’re nothing but thorns in our sides.” Cassidy moved. 

“You believed words of a prophet?” Her tone was empty, and Greydown sneered. 

“They were heralded as truth for centuries. But no humans were born to packs until now. Their words are nought but lies and desperation.” Trixie hid her smirk. 

“Why were they lies and desperation?” Cassidy kept her tone impassive once more and Greydown scoffed before spitting at her. Trixie stiffened, the disrespect sending something akin to fury down her spine. 

“The human born to wolves of lore, will hold the knowledge of Alphas unsure. To train and love and win the days, the wolves must seek their human mates. The one who shows the righteous path, will guide the Alpha to their new start. The prophet, the hurt, the broken and bent, will bring new times of peace and death. The dead reborn shall hold the keys, to start anew with the springtime breeze. The lonely wolf with no chance to escape, shall tear one from life to meet their fate. The humans born to wolves of lore, will lead the packs to glory and more.” The words were intoned, emotionless as another scoff followed. 

Cassidy shared a look with Trixie. 

“You will tell me how much Leo knows of this.” There was a firm edge to her voice and Trixie witnessed her Luna’s eyes flash amber. 

“Leo knows nothing of the prophecy. He refused to believe in something that would, in his eyes, be wrong.” Greydown responded before his eyes widened and his lips clamped shut. 

“Tell me what you know of what is happening to me.” Trixie felt a tingle run down her spine. Something in her was begging to submit to her Luna. Something she’d never felt before. 

Greydown’s lips parted despite his obvious attempts to keep them shut. 

“There were prophecies, that depicted the human born to wolves would possess the wolf. The human would have control of the wolf inside but there would be no change, no transformation. It would mark the start of an era that would either succeed or collapse. The prophet never said.” 

Greydown’s words were forced, reluctant. But Cassidy paid him no mind as she turned her attention to Trixie. 

Cassidy watched as Trixie stiffened, her eyes rolling back into her head as she let out a harsh breath. Her first instinct was to reach out but Greydown twitched and she froze. 

“The traitors are gone, the cause is done but the wolf that roams alone will continue. The wolf that was denied will fight and the wolf that has sprung forth will thrive. The traitors are gone and the cause is done.” 

Greydown stared at Trixie in shock as her head tilted forward, her eyes refocusing before her knees gave out. 

The door burst open, Calum and Ashton storming in. Calum went to Trixie, scooping up the teenager with ease whilst Ashton wasted no time in knocking Greydown out before his attention returned to Cassidy. 

“It’s answered a lot of questions. We’ll need to go to the Elders to learn more about this prophecy.” She nodded, but her focus was on Trixie who had taken in a startled breath. 

“I’ve got you little bird. Abel is waiting for you.” Calum’s voice was gentle as they reached the meeting room they were previously in and Abel wasted no time in getting to his feet, cradling his mate so gently as she trembled. 

“That was scary.” She finally whispered, her eyes finding her Luna who was pressed against her mate, relaxing to his touch as his fingers massaged her temples. 

“It means you’re a strong prophet little bird. And we need to talk to the elders sooner rather than later.” Calum piped up and Cassidy sighed. 

“There’s a lot we need to discuss with them. And maybe we can get this worked out before Leo decides to try his hand at another ambush.” Cassidy muttered as she sent Trixie a reassuring smile, leaning into Ashton’s touch. 

===

When the Elders met, Cassidy brightened upon seeing Elder Orion. And despite her ingrained sense of respect, the second he opened his arms in greeting, she allowed the comfort of her previous elder wash over her. 

“You truly have thrived, Luna. Your father and old Alpha pass on their wishes.” She found herself smiling at him before greeting the other elders. 

“Luna Cassidy, what happened after we dispersed?” Elder Maybanks went straight to it once they were sat down. She sat protectively next to Trixie, her mate on the other side. 

Abel realised there was more to the situation and remained silent as he comforted his mate, knowing she needed that more than anything. 

“A lot of things have happened, Elder Maybanks. Our Alpha has been interrogating the traitor, when Selene came to young Trixie once more. She was shown what happened to her sister upon a decision that was made to use the new skills I’ve acquired,” she hesitated but Elder Maybanks nodded, “he told us about the prophecies.” 

Elder Orion's gaze sharpened at her words and Elder Maybanks sighed. 

“What else happened, Child?” Cassidy found herself hesitating, glancing at Trixie. The young girl took in a deep breath, her shoulders determined, but her hands trembled. 

“I gave a prophecy.” 

The Elders froze. 

“Are you sure?” Elder Maybanks words were sharp, a steely glint in his eyes. 

“I saw it with my own eyes, as did Head Warrior Hood. She’s a true prophet and a strong one.” Ashton cut in before Cassidy could snap. She bristled at the silent accusations of deceit from the Elder but Ashton had stopped her from putting her foot in it. 

The worried looks shared between the Elders caused the Alpha and Luna to exchange worried looks. If this was concerning the Elders, what was happening? 

“This changes a lot of things.” Elder Orion muttered as he leaned back in his chair. “Luna Cassidy, do you remember what I taught you about prophets?” 

Cassidy could feel every set of eyes on her, and she determinedly ignored the look of shock from Elder Maybanks as she tried to remember what Elder Orion was discussing.

“I remember when you taught me about the witch trials, how packs were found by hunters who were seeking out witches and razed towns to the ground, no man, woman or child surviving. You mentioned something about prophets being saved by other packs but I don’t remember much else.” He nodded his head, turning to the other wolves in the room.

“Whilst Cassidy was growing up, Alpha Lockard assumed that she may have been a prophet. Not to say that she wasn’t extremely clever in her own right, but she seemed to predict the wrong moves that were made. We later realised that she had a strategic mind, a mind that calculated every potential move. There’s not been a prophet within the packs since the 1700’s. After the witch trials, they simply vanished.” Elder Orion explained.

This caused an alarm for Trixie, her grip on her mates hand getting tighter.

Elder Orion noticed immediately and smiled kindly to the distressed teenager.

“It is simply believed that prophets moved packs and never spoke about their gifts. We have always watched out for potential prophets in the more recent years, but in my own living history, I’ve never seen or heard of a prophet until you, Miss Teller.” This did little to soothe her, but Cassidy placed her arm around Trixie in comfort.

“Why is any of this important?” Calum finally asked, his eyes flickering between his mates little sister and Elder Orion.

“Because if Selene has truly gifted her as a true prophet, it will change the tide with the rogues. But also she will be sought out by many other packs, determined to bind her to their pack with a mate of their choice.” 

Those very words were the wrong ones to say. 

Abel growled lowly, the noise startling Trixie as his own body seemed to fight the transformation, amber coloured eyes glowing.

Cassidy felt her stomach swoop before Ashton stepped in.

“Abel, if you shift, you will hurt her. I’m ordering you to calm down.” The power of the command was heavy, his eyes falling shut as he went to move his arms around Trixie, but he froze.

Without any prompting, the teenager moved so that she was sitting on his lap, allowing him to pull her closer, his face pressing into her hair as he took in slow, steady breaths.

“I think that answers that.” Ashton muttered and Cassidy just felt the absurdity of the comment hit her, a giggle breaking through her lips before she was laughing, her head resting on Ashton’s shoulder.

“I think Luna has lost the plot.” A soft whisper came from beside her and she found herself struggling for air as she shook her head.

“I haven’t lost the plot. Just my mates comment, and the whole absurd idea that Abel would even let anyone near Trixie if she were in danger.” The teenager understood her Luna's words immediately and the two shared grins.

Ashton merely rolled his eyes at his own mate fondly, a soft smile on his lips before his attention turned back to the elders. 

“Is there anything we can do for now?” 

Elder Orion shook his head.

“The best thing we can do is protect her secret. Greydown will have to die regardless of his knowledge. He heard her prophecy.” This sobered the room up immediately, Trixie’s smile fading as she realised the implications.

“Is that because of me?” The question was timid and Elder Orion paused, his gaze turning to Cassidy and Ashton who turned their attention to the timid teenager.

“He was a traitor to the pack regardless of him hearing your prophecy. Traitors to the pack have two options. Exile or death. Greydown knows too much to be allowed exile.” Ashton explained softly and she sighed, a small nod following seconds later.

“I understand.” Cassidy could see that she did understand, and grimaced slightly, but there was nothing she could do.

“We also need to discuss what happened to Cass. Her eyes turned amber when she interrogated Greydown when she realised he was the traitor. Do you have any ideas?” 

The two Elders shared a look before Maybanks spoke up this time.

“There is something, Greydown wasn’t wrong when he said that Elder’s across the globe believed that prophecy to ring true. We need to get full facts from some contacts. When we know more, we’ll sit down with you, if that’s okay Luna?” 

Cassidy nodded her head.

“That works for me Elder Maybanks. It’ll give us a chance to deal with the consequences of today before we look into my own changes.” The two Elders nodded before the group dispersed and they went back to the main offices.

“Abel, finish up today and then take the next couple of days off. It’ll help your healing so long as you do nothing strenuous, so no weights and no shifting.” Calum finally muttered and Trixie stared at him in shock before turning to her mate.

Abel seemed to break into relief, his lips curving into a gentle smile. He knew a gift was being given to him at this moment and he decided to take it.

“Thank you Warrior Hood. I’ll be sure all paperwork is done and then take my leave.” He pressed a kiss to Trixie’s temple before making his way back to the small cubicle that was his whilst the rest of the group headed out of the pack offices.

“I’ll take Trixie back home.” Casidy hummed and Ashton nodded, his lips meeting hers in a short, sweet kiss.

“I’ll handle the problem. If there are any issues, I’ll call. Drive safe.” And with those words, they disappeared back into the pack offices and her gut knew what was going to happen. But she ignored those thoughts. Greydown was beyond saving, so it would be a mercy. 

The ride back home was silent.

When they returned home, Trixie disappeared into her room, causing Cassidy to sigh before she made her way to her office.

It was one thing she was insistent on when her move to the pack became permanent. 

She knew that Ashton had nothing to hide from her, and he knew that she had nothing to hide from him. However they both realised that being up in each others space wasn’t going to help either of them. 

So she convinced Michael to stay on as strategist, however he then convinced the Elder’s to make her appointment not only official, but put her up there with the other Alpha’s. Within three years of moving to Vinewood, she was appointed the Head Strategist for all of the continents packs. 

She accepted the title with grace in public, but within the confines of Ashton’s office, she voiced her ways of brutally murdering Michael as payback for putting this on her shoulders.

However, she shone as she went from strength to strength and that was when both her and Ashton decided to install an office for her and her alone. It meant that any confidential information would remain as so, but also it gave her the space that was not only hers, but also showed her hard work and the results of that hard work.

Once ensconced within her office, she contacted the other packs that had been attacked, gathering the information about the traitors and anything they had in common. That was what they needed to discover before Leo twisted his claws into more wolves. 

It was easy to work in the silence, tapping away at her computer as she emailed back and forth with a few of the other pack strategists. 

It was only when a gentle knock on her door made her pause, tearing her eyes away from the computer.

“Come in.” 

There was a second of hesitation before the door opened to reveal a red eyed Trixie Teller and she felt her heart going out to the teenager.

“Sit down sweetheart.” Her tone was reassuring and gentle, coaxing the young girl to try to relax.

Once the door was shut and Trixie was seated, Cassidy studied her for a moment before she resumed typing away, knowing that the young girl would speak when she was ready.

She’d been dealt with a lot of knowledge, some of that being the death of a pack member because they heard her prophecy. It was a lot for anyone to take in, let alone a teenager.

The silence seemed to stretch on for longer than Cassidy had expected, but she’d glanced over a few times to make sure she was still there. 

She was, but her eyes were glued to the floor, not even glancing up.

So Cassidy stopped, switching off her monitor and resting her hands on her desk.

“Talk to me sweetheart.” And finally, Trixie looked up, a frown upon her features.

“Today has been a lot.” The statement was simple, but it spoke volumes for Cassidy.

“It has. What do you want to talk about first?” 

“Elder Greydown, well I guess he isn’t an elder anymore, but still. Why would Alpha kill him instead of exiling him? Even if he didn’t know of the prophecy?” The question was a good one, and Cassidy had been expecting it.

“You see, Greydown had continually disrespected me as Luna since day one. This has been six years of abuse that’s been building up. However, he committed treason against the pack. He willingly put young wolves in danger because he believed us to be diseased.” 

She watched as Trixie’s face dropped.

“You wanted to redeem him, didn’t you?” The question wasn’t accusatory, and one look upon Cassidy’s face helped Trixie understand that. So she nodded.

“I didn’t want to think he was that bad that he deserved death over exile.” She finally whispered and Cassidy sighed once she realised that they’d stumbled onto the crux of the matter.

“It’s nice to try and see the best in people, trust me I did that for years. It was how I met my best friend. But sometimes, people just don’t have any good qualities in them. Greydown was one of those wolves who refused to see silver linings. He did not teach tolerance to the pack pups like he was meant to, he could have knowingly sabotaged that ambush that resulted in Abel getting hurt.” 

She hated using Trixie’s mate as a point, but she needed the teenager to know that he’d arranged for it to happen in such a way. Mates were sacred, and had he succeeded in killing Abel, she would’ve been a shell of a person, either choosing to live like her sister had done and pray for a second chance mate, or follow after him.

And Cassidy was certain that she would’ve chosen to follow after him.

“He’s the reason why Abel got hurt?” There was a steely glint in her eyes, her jaw clenching and Cassidy hesitantly nodded her head.

“Ashton uncovered his treachery. It’s another reason why exile was not possible. He actively worked against the pack that nearly resulted in a death. The last time that happened in any pack and they chose exile, it led to the rogue issue that we have currently.” 

“Leo?” Cassidy nodded. “What happened?” 

And so the two sat there as Cassidy told her stories of her best friend, of how he had put faith in her plans but Leo-the jealous son of the Alpha who favored her-sabotaged her plans, therefore worked against the pack that resulted in Talon’s death.

Trixie remained stunned as she heard this tale for the first time, her unease slowly slipping away as she found herself engrossed in the story that her Luna was telling her.

By the time that Ashton had returned home, both girls had migrated down to the kitchen, choosing to cook a small meal together as Cassidy told Trixie tales of her childhood. 

And despite how the day had gone, the heaviness that weighed on his chest, seeing the two of them giggling together over something that his mate had done when she was a child, it lifted Ashton’s soul from the floor back to the heavens where she’d first lifted it when he met her.

Trixie greeted her Alpha with ease, despite knowing what he had done, she realised that this was simply consequences of an action that nearly killed her mate. 

“Alpha. Did you get a chance to eat today?” Cassidy smirked at the jet black haired teenager, Ashton shaking his head at his apparent new keeper.

“Not today little miss. There was plenty of deskwork with the field work that we had today, so not much was consumed food wise. I’ve certainly had my fair share of caffeine though.

This made Cassidy giggle.

“My mate seems to drink coffee like it’s water.” The look of disgust that Trixie gave her Alpha made Ashton smirk.

“When you have to patrol so many nights in a row whilst still remaining upright in the middle of the day, coffee would be your best friend too. I know that Calum is just as addicted and drives your sister up the wall with it.” His arms wrapped around Cassidy as he pressed a kiss to her cheek in greeting. 

Trixie snorted.

“Yeah well, she likes the stuff too. It’s no surprise that they’re mates really.” Ashton laughed at her statement and wrapped an arm around her shoulders.

“Don’t let her catch you saying that otherwise she might skin you alive.” He teased her playfully as she finished up the meal, elbowing his stomach as she moved to get some dishes.

This was what Cassidy loved. It was simplicity at its finest but also it was Ashton teaching Trixie to stand up for herself. If she could stand up for herself against her Alpha, then the world had no chance.

“Yeah well, she’d skin you alive first so I’ll just hide with my Luna under the nice, new, wolf skin rug that we’d end up acquiring thanks to my sister.” This set Cassidy off as they finally sat down to eat and she noticed that the dark cloud that hung over her mate had slowly disappeared.

“Brave words, tiny one. How about you and me do some training this week?” Her eyes lit up as a grin stretched across her face.

“Absolutely. Do you think we could include Abel this time so that he knows that I can protect myself? I know he’s my mate and he’s always going to worry, but I just want him to worry less.” She explained in a rush, Ashton nodding to her request.

“It shouldn’t be too difficult. But we’ll get Cass involved so she can sit on him to stop him from shifting and protecting you from me. Sound fair?” She nodded at his words as they dug into the meal and a feeling of peace settled over the trio.

Cassidy knew better than to think that this would last, but she was going to enjoy it whilst she could.

===

The first training session had been a disaster. 

Abel hadn’t known what to expect, and watching his Alpha phase and launch at his mate was not on his list. Cassidy hasn’t had a chance to stop him before he shifted and crouched in front of Trixie. 

It took Abel more time to come down from that bout of anger, but they left the session at that and Abel had kept his silence. 

The next session was better. He was able to stop his initial reaction, especially after a firm talking to from his Luna, he watched. 

And even though her techniques needed refining, he could see how she handled herself. That was when he began to understand why she wanted him to see her train. 

Cassidy stepped in from time to time as well, showing the teenager some of her own moves. Ashton stepped back when this happened and Abel began to understand why his Alpha only had mild concerns for his mates safety. 

She was a badass.

By the end of the session, Abel was relaxed in the knowledge that should anything happen, she could take care of herself. 

“Why not make something like this mandatory for all of the humans in the pack, Luna?” Abel questioned as the quartet headed inside. They would grab some food before the two males would head back out to the pack office buildings.

“Because they’re children. They rely on adults to protect them.” 

“And Trixie doesn’t?” Cassidy smiled at him.

“No. I don’t think she’s really relied on anyone since that day six years ago. It may seem simple to you Abel, but human children are so fragile compared to a young wolf. We’ve got a couple of the older ones in a self defence class, anymore at this point would be too much. When they hit thirteen, they’ll come to me and I’ll start teaching them then.” 

“Two styles to switch it up, then?” And Trixie grumbled as Cassidy grinned.

“Someone in the pack who uses their brains.” This earned her a confused look and Trixie sighed.

“Luna had to practically spell it out to us why we were in self defence classes as well as training with her.” The way her cheeks turned pink had Abel grinning as he squeezed her hand gently.

“I have a step up since I’m one of the warriors. I can guarantee you other wolves would not think of it that way.” Ashton glanced at his watch and sighed.

“Practice with Cass, T-bird.” The teenager grimaced at the nickname as she ducked from the hair ruffle that her alpha bestowed on her as he walked past to kiss his mate.

Her own mate laughed before doing the same thing and kissing her forehead before he got up and headed out, Ashton following seconds later. Trixie hid her face in her arms, her hair a mess thanks to the two men.

“Stupid Alpha and stupid mate messing up my hair.” The grumble had been loud enough for Cassidy to hear, earning a round of laughter.

“C’mon, I’ve still got some time before I’m expecting a call. How about we take a look at your English papers.” The groan that followed from Trixie made Cass laugh as she all but frog marched the teenager upstairs to her office

Barely fifteen minutes in and her phone goes off, earning a curious look from Trixie as Cassidy picked up the call.

“Luna Irwin of the Vinewood pack. Who am I speaking with?” 

“Cassie, thank god.” The relief in Issac’s tone caught her off guard.

“Two seconds.” She tilted the mouthpiece away as she looked to Trixie. “Would you mind finishing off downstairs? I’ll join you when I’m off.” The teenager didn’t argue as she gathered her things and shut the door behind her as she left.

“Cassie it’s been mayhem.” 

“Issac slow down please, what’s happened?” 

“There’s another traitor in the pack. But they killed a human child.” Her heart stopped at his words.

“Who?” 

“That’s just it. We don’t know. I was sent an email, and god Cassie it’s gruesome. I thought it was a wolf at first because the kids' eyes were amber, but when we checked the registry and the young boy that was murdered was definitely human.”

“Fuck.” The whisper might as well have been a scream. “It’s been happening to me, the amber eyes thing. The Elders believe it’s a prophecy in play. Fuck.”

“I’ll forward it to you, but it’s brutal.” And with that, she opened up her computer, clicking through until the video uploaded to her screen.

And as she watched, she felt sick. Tears burned her eyes as she tried not to cry out, but when the final blow was delivered, she couldn’t stop herself.

Issac had stayed on the line for her, his steady breathing being the only thing that stopped the panic attack overwhelming her.

“I need to contact Ash, fuck, Issac this is big. The Elders are going to get involved.” Her brain was going miles a minute. “Have you found the little boy yet?” 

“There’s a team working on it now. We’ve already been in touch with their parents. It was Demela’s and Mason’s youngest lad. Joseph.” And she felt her body lurch uncomfortably. 

“Issac.” His name came out as a sob.

“I know.” He soothed. 

Joseph had been one of the four children born into her old pack after she left. He came from a family with six older brothers who doted on him regardless of his status as a human. The first time she’d visited and she’d been introduced to the family, she’d clicked instantly. It had also been the first time that she’d really considered having a child. 

“I need Ash. He needs to know.” Part of her felt disengaged and heartbroken, the other part of her was planning out how she’d skin the traitor for this.

“With the state of distress, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s on his way.” 

Issac’s words rang true when there was a firm knock at the door before it opened.

“Cass? Baby?” His frantic eyes searched for whatever was causing her this kind of pain. But she couldn’t get her words to work, only pointing at the video that was still open on her computer.

Issac spoke up.

“It’s something you need to watch, Alpha Irwin.” 

Ashton realised immediately that if something could make his mate this distressed, then it was a bad thing.

And so he clicked play.

Cassidy tried to block out the noise, the images. But she couldn’t. Her heart broke all over again. But she could feel her mates anger through the bond. Anger that was mounting into fury and she grasped his bicep.

“We can’t leave this. We need to find the traitor.” Her words were quiet but determined. Ashton nodded once, his jaw set.

“We’re flying out to you, Issac. Expect us by nightfall with the Elders.” The decision was firm and Cassidy immediately moved and headed to their room to pack a few bags. 

“Trixie will need to come with us.” Ashton’s words made her jump in fright, her hands trembling as she continued to fold the clothes up before packing them.

“She cannot see that video. And so help me goddess if Selene decides to take that decision from our hands because I will march up to her fucking door and demand judgement.” Her tone was harsh, but Ashton could hear her fear, her pain under the words. “He was a child.”

And her composure slipped into tears, Ashton pulling his mate closer as he pressed a kiss to her temple.

“We’ll explain in basic terms to Trixie. We will warn her that should Selene take the choice out of our hands, it is gruesome. I need to call an emergency meeting. We need to get a warning to the families as well.” Ashton rattled off and Cassidy took in a deep breath.

“Calum, Luke and Michael need to see this. They need to prepare.” Ashton nodded at her words as he pressed a gentle kiss to her lips.

“Finish packing, I’ll go talk to Trixie.” She didn’t argue as he left the room. She knew that there was no way that she’d have been able to even describe what happened.

By the time that the trio had packed and gotten to the offices, Ashton instructed Trixie to stay with Abel until they left. He didn’t miss the frown, but Cassidy simply gave her a reassuring smile.

“Protocols need to be followed, Trix. Twenty minutes tops and then we’re heading for the airport.” Trixie nodded at Cassidy’s words and turned her attention to her mate, the two of them quietly discussing her latest pet project with an old computer.

When the Irwin’s reached the conference room, she fought down the need to be sick as Ashton played the video for the other three as well as the remaining Elders. Their reactions were ones of horror, but it was Elder Orion who had tears down his cheeks.

“Little Joseph, Demela and Mason’s youngest, correct?” He whispered and Cassidy nodded as she tried to wipe her tears away once more.

“Issac is searching for-for the place. He’s contacted the family. This was a brutal attack but it also means that there are potential traitors we don’t know about. Sleeper cells, if you will.” Calum nodded at her terminology.

“We’ll talk to the other families which have human children and see if we can convince them to the pack house. It’ll be easier to defend rather than trying to split our forces seven ways to protect the land.” Ashton nodded at Calum’s immediate response.

“Every wolf we have available has to be on this. Four teams on rotation for the pack house and double the patrol on the borders. No one gets in or out of the pack lands. Trespassers are to be captured and interrogated immediately, any violence is to be met with full force.” Calum nodded at his Alpha’s orders. 

“Michael.” Cassidy’s voice was softer, but caught the blonde’s attention.

“Yes Luna?”

“I’m going to be coordinating with other packs on this. See if there have been any-any other murders.” She stumbled over the words and he nodded his head in understanding. “Also I’m going to place you in as my second in command. If any other strategists get in touch, they’ll be redirected to you. As of right now, I will be uncontactable until further notice.” 

“Has it been approved?” His eyes glanced to Elder Maybanks who nodded in return.

“We cleared it last week. It was intended to be a surprise for you, but as you can see that’s had to change immediately.” Cassidy held back a snort.

“Luke, it’s basic day to day running as possible.If anyone asks, there’s been a credible threat with another pack that needs to be dealt with. Shutdown pack lines until we return home.” Luke nodded at that before Ashton returned his attention to Calum.

“Trixie will be coming with us. She’s already told her sister she has to go but not why. You need to make sure she doesn’t follow us. It’s going to be tough enough with the devastation from my Luna.” Calum nodded once more as he let out a breath of air. 

Ashton and Cassidy were gone once it was confirmed that everything had been set in place.

They collected Trixie from Abel who looked unsure and the trio were up in the air quick enough. It wasn’t unusual for packs to have access to small airports, most preferred to travel by car or by shifting. But this wasn’t an option and it was the fastest way for them to get there without causing widespread panic. 

Matthew was there to greet them and didn’t hesitate to pull his daughter into a warm hug as Ashton helped Trixie off the plane. 

He greeted her with the same amount of ease and Ashton a firm handshake before they were bundled into the car and off again. 

“Who else knows?” Ashton’s question was quiet but Matthew shook his head. 

“The trees have ears.” Was all he replied with, causing Ashton and Cassidy to exchange alarmed looks. Nothing else was spoken about as they made their journey to the pack offices. It spoke volumes of the tragedy that had happened because there was no one else greeting them when they arrived.

They entered the building without being looked at twice. Cassidy stopped herself from going over to Demela and Mason when she spotted them. The couple looked exhausted and their children looked equally tired. 

When they reached Issac’s office, Trixie had shrunk into Cassidy’s side, the intimidating and unfamiliar wolves unnerving her. Cassidy was briefly reminded of Hope as her dad knocked on the door before letting them into the office.

“Cassie.” Her eyes snapped to her younger sister who looked relieved to see her. She wasted no time in moving around the desk and launching at her older sister.

“Alpha Irwin, thank you for coming at such short notice.” Issac’s voice was tired and Ashton waved him off.

“You do the same for us, Issac. This young lady here is Trixie Teller.” Ashton gestured to Trixie who found herself feeling like a deer caught in headlights.

“Miss Teller, I’m so pleased to be finally meeting you, I just wish it was under better circumstances.” She gave him a wry smile in return.

“Likewise, Alpha Lockard.” 

“Looks like humans can be taught manners, brat.” Issac’s voice carried to Cassidy, Trixie shooting a confused look to her Alpha who simply shook his head when Cassidy laughed.

“Oh no. With her own Alpha, she’s worse than what I was. With her sister, they tease him relentlessly.” She fired back before letting the girl go.

“Trix, this is my sister Hope. Long story short, she’s next for the Alpha title.” Trixie nodded as she shook hands with Hope.

“It’s nice to meet you Hope, I’ve heard a lot about you.” Hope gave her a crooked smirk.

“All lies, I assure you.” And Trixie giggled.

The giggle broke some of the tension and Issac’s shoulders slumped as he ran a hand down his face. 

Cassidy truly saw her previous Alpha in that moment, the tired lines around his eyes. 

“How’s Pandora?” Cassidy’s question brought a smile to his face. 

“Good. Little Jessie is driving her mother mad.” This made Cassidy laugh. A few years after she’d left the pack, Issac had announced his mates pregnancy with sheer glee and she loved getting updates from him about the rascal. 

“At least Pandora knows how to handle rambunctious pups with no sense of self-preservation.” Issac chuckled as he rummaged through papers before handing them over to Ashton. 

“I understand the need to keep Miss Teller protected but does she need to be here for this?” Trixie remained silent, only casting a glancing look to her Alpha. 

“She’s a true prophet.” Issac’s jaw fell slack, a gasp of air escaping from Matthew. Hope held a look of polite confusion. 

“ Touched by the goddess herself.” Matthew whispered and Trixie shifted uncomfortably under the stares. 

“Pack it in. She’s frightened enough and doesn’t need you two confusing her.” Cassidy snapped at them both and the two men exchanged looks. 

“Cassie, you remember when we thought you were a prophet but instead you were scarily smart?” Matthew tried to keep his awe from his voice but didn’t quite succeed. 

“I only know what you told me. I don’t remember much else.” At this, Matthew sighed before sitting down. Issac pressed his lips together. 

“Do you want me to tell her?” Matthew shook his head. 

“Tell me what?” The hesitation was in Cassidy’s voice as she looked between her dad and old Alpha with  uncertainty. 

“Parts of your memories don’t remember it because the Elders locked it away. When you were seven, you’d been stolen from under our noses.” 

Her body went still. 

“We believe that it’s linked with this killing. There’s no recognisable scent and it was a child who was not only human but one we’d been watching for prophetic tendencies.” 

“You’re not telling me everything.” She could see the tears in her dad's eyes and then she slowly realised. 

“No.” The word was a whisper but Matthew flinched. 

She could never remember her mother’s death. She was told that it was a sudden death, that there was no notable cause for it. She’d been seven at the time because her eighth birthday had been the first one without her mother. Jamie had been three. 

“They killed her in retaliation to us rescuing you.” She could feel her heart shatter. It was too much and with the situation going on, she couldn’t take off like she wanted to. 

“I need to go.” She was up and out of the room, the tears running down her face as she took off for her old home, using one of the pack cars they’d arrived in. 

Ashton didn’t even have a chance to try and stop her, the sudden heartbreak catching him off guard mixed with the overwhelmed feeling. 

“I take it that the Elders locking the memory away was for her benefit?” Ashton couldn’t be angry. He understood to an extent that to watch a child suffer like so was difficult. 

He watched as tears rolled down his father-in-law’s face. 

“She awoke every night screaming. There were days when she would fight to get out of the house, her trauma so much that she couldn’t tell that I was her own father.” Matthew sounded so broken, Issac’s hand coming to rest on his Beta’s shoulders. 

“Alpha?” Trixie’s voice was nervous and Ashton turned to the teenager and noted the pale pallor her skin took. 

“Trixie? Are you okay?” The second he said that, her body slumped into the chair and Ashton swore. 

“This is too fucking much Selene.” He snarled, scooping the teenager up, cradling her carefully. Hope looked stunned for a second. 

“Selene?” In truth, although Ashton had known she was there, she’d kept herself quiet enough to have become background noise, something he wouldn’t have noticed had she not spoken up. 

“Young Trixie usually has prophetic dreams, only once has she gone into a trance. But with the prophetic dreams, if she is awake at an inconvenient time, she will suffer in such a way until she passes out. Cassidy believes this to be because she is young and therefore is not trained to handle the drastic changes.” 

“Your mate may be onto something there, Ashton.” Issac finally hummed. 

The young human twitched and the colour began to return to her cheeks and Ashton sighed. 

“You love her like your own, don’t you?” Matthew murmured, his face clear of tears but his eyes rimmed red. Ashton nodded. 

“She has kind and loving parents who love her and her sister. It’s not a parental kind of love, more like I see her as a younger sister, someone to protect. It’s the same with her older sister. The only instinct that is stronger is my bond to Cass.” Hope giggled. 

The giggle once more eased the tensions that had been building up and he felt the heartbreak ease in his chest. She was somewhere safe. 

“And what’s so funny little miss?” Matthew teases his youngest child, unable to stop the smile at her cheeky grin. 

“Sounds to me that Alpha Irwin got bitten by the same thing that had Cassie practically adopt me so many years ago. The only thing that was stronger than the bond she has with me was the one that Leo created. It’s why when the bond was broken, my bond with her was what eased it and helped me function.” Hope explained gently and Ashton understood. 

His awe for his sister-in-law increased tenfold and she found herself blushing at his impressed look. 

Matthew finally chuckled. 

“Somehow we thought she was just an anomaly, however the fates certainly matched you two well, Ashton.” And Ashton grinned. 

Trixie finally stirred and her cheeks went dark as she pressed her face into Ashton’s shoulder. 

“It happened again didn’t it?” 

“Unfortunately so, my favourite human.” At the muffled curse, Ashton laughed. 

“Selene really picks her moments.” She finally pulled away and retook her seat, eyes locking onto Hope. 

“When Luna returns tomorrow, you and her will need to head to the next city over, without guards shadowing you. One to drive and one as a backup but they stay in the car. A rogue is unsure and has the information we need. Selene wishes for him to be tried under pack law and for Luna to use her gift on him to get the truth.” Ashton knew better than to voice the outrage but he tampered it down to a raised eyebrow. 

Issac and Matthew however, disagreed entirely, voicing their displeasure. 

“Hope that’s an ambush at best, suicide trip at worst!” Issac snapped and Trixie turned her gaze to the other Alpha. Ashton recognises the look immediately and turned his attention to the other three. 

“You will listen to my avatar on this earth Issac James. The rogue is unsure about the goals of the rebellion and is pulling away. Cassidy Helen will set things right for another pack and give Hope Rose a second chance.” 

Both Issac and Matthew froze. 

“Selene.” They whispered in unison. Hope was speechless. 

Ashton tried not to smirk as Trixie returned her attention to Ashton. 

“I will visit Cassidy Helen tonight. Do not panic if you feel your bond fall dormant. I’m most proud of you Ashton Fletcher.” He simply inclined his head before he watched Trixie give a little shake before meeting her Alpha’s amused gaze. 

“At least it wasn’t in front of a prisoner this time?” She offered timidly and Ashton burst out into baritone laughter. 

“Life will never be dull with you and your sister around, Trixie. Issac, Hope, Matthew, we will see ourselves down to the canteen for some food and let you digest this information. As you realise, this cannot be known by anyone, not even Jamie until Selene deems it safe. Like you said, the trees have ears.” 

Issac could only nod weakly before Ashton escorted Trixie down to the lower floors where the canteen was situated and they got themselves some food. 

Trixie remained by his side, unwilling to stray towards the unfamiliar stares. She felt like she was under such scrutiny but once those eyes turned to the man next to her, their gazes dropped and they never cast a look in her direction. 

Confused, Trixie turned to Ashton to question the strange behaviour but then she saw the murderous look upon her Alpha’s face and understood why they averted their gazes so fast. 

Unsure how the other wolves would take her teasing her Alpha, she kept herself formal. 

“Alpha, will Luna be okay?” Ashton glanced at the teenager and noted her shy hesitance. He smiled kindly at her as they collected food. She didn’t protest when he paid for it. 

“This was just a step too far. She needs to process that before she’ll come back. She’ll always come back to us, but much like when you hide away after it’s been an overwhelming day, it’s been an overwhelming week for her. We just need to give her space.” Understanding dawned as they sat down and ate silently, listening to the steady flow around them. 

It was towards the end of their lunch that Hope appeared, paying no mind to the small bows from her pack. Trixie frowned. 

“May I join you?” Hope’s question was met with a nod from Ashton but the frown on Trixies face didn’t let up. 

As Hope sat down, she finally caught the look on the teenagers face and raised an eyebrow. 

“Everything okay Miss Teller?” The use of her last name startled her and a blush coated her cheeks but she remained silent. Hope wasn’t too sure how to take this and Ashton snorted. 

“She takes offence to ignoring your pack when they acknowledge you. It’s not something I like to practice unless I’m in an emergency.” Ashton explained softly, and Hope had the decency to look ashamed. 

“It’s still something I can never believe. Alpha Issac is still working on that with me.” Trixie nodded but remained silent as she took another bite of food, clearing the plate.

Ashton had pushed his plates to the side long ago but waited for the teenager, knowing her discomfort.

“Would you like to see her training? Your sister has been training her so far and it’d be nice to get an outsiders opinion of her progress who knows where she should ideally be.” Trixie grinned and Hope returned it with a smile of her own. 

“I would be delighted Alpha Irwin. Miss Teller, if you would follow me?” And the trio left without another word between them, the stares of the pack members following them out of the doors. 

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#when will i ever write something small #the answer is probably never #fuck me this is long #ashton irwin x oc #werewolf!ash #werewolf ash #ashton irwin blurb #ashton irwin blurbs #ashton irwin imagines #ashton irwin imagine #ashton irwin fic #ashton irwin fics #5sos blurb #5sos blurbs #5sos imagine #5sos imagines #5sos fic #5sos fics #supernatural!5sos #supernatural 5sos #5 seconds of summer blurb #5 seconds of summer blurbs #5 seconds of summer imagine #5 seconds of summer imagines #5 seconds of summer fic #5 seconds of summer fics #my writing

[foxtophat]

HEY HEY HEY!!!!  hey guys. haha. um, idk what to say exactly and tumblr likes to eat my posts so lets see how long this lasts:

its’ only been a couple months but i have been frothing at the mouth trying to figure out what next part of mercy to put out. i have a lot of much bigger stories to tell than this one, but kim and john sharing insomnia felt sort of like the right segue into those bigger bits.  so for now, let’s just enjoy a 20k fic about Kim and John, and also a little about John and Nick, but mostly just about John and Jacob.

there are 3 chapters. i’ll post the 2nd one later this week (wednesday or friday i think) and the third will probably go up next monday.  YEAH THAT’S RIGHT i actually have most of this one finished right out the gate!!!

as usual, i’ll put the entire chapter under a readmore in case you don’t want to leave tumblr.  i hope you enjoy what i’ve got for you this time -- if not don’t worry, there will be more dramatic bullshit later :)  comments, kudos, reblogs and likes are all the things that make ficwriting more fun than it already is, so consider helping me out if you enjoy what i’m doing. otherwise, have a good day!!!

Kim's dreams are normally composed of fleeting images in dark, monochrome colors. They're howling-wind nightmares or ethereal moments of peace, but they're short-lived and she's always disconnected from them. She hasn't had a real dream in probably nine years. She used to miss them, before John Seed reappeared with all of his night terrors, just in time to remind her of how good she has it. Now, she's glad that the most she has to contest with is a looming sense of dread that fades almost as soon as she wakes up.

But tonight, Kim is a long way away from all of that. She's standing at the kitchen sink in her childhood home, which is in full summer swing. The rosemary plant her mom keeps on the sill is in full bloom, thick green spikes dotted with blue puffball flowers. Beyond it, the Canadian sky is seawater green, and Kim marvels at the fluffy clouds drifting through the unnatural color. They seem to be floating by much faster than the still air outside would imply. It should rattle her, confuse her, but before that realization sinks in, her mom's voice distracts her away.

"Do you really think he's the one?" she asks, as skeptically as she had all those years ago when Kim first decided to move to Montana. Her mother had liked Nick, of course, because he was a likable guy, but Kim had known from the start that her parents were worried about her. They'd worried about her moving to a red state, about her trusting a man she'd seen a handful of times since they'd met. They hadn't understood the idea of purple pockets or internet dating, and while they supported Kim's love of rifle showmanship, they'd never trusted Nick owning more than three guns.

"What's the point, is all I'm asking," Kim's mom laughs in response to Kim's unspoken comment. "It seems strange to collect weapons..."

"Mom, he hunts !" she chides. "And anyway, he isn't the worst one out there."

"That's exactly what I worry about," her mom says. "What if something bad were to happen? His family is gone, and we'll be so far away..."

Kim sighs, the words stinging more than they should. The aqua colored sky begins to churn outside, the light filtering through a strange red haze. Inside, the sunlight reflects off the white counters, nearly blinding Kim.

"I'll be okay," she says, reciting an amalgamation of all her old defenses as her eyes readjust. "There are a lot of good people out there. They rely on each other a whole lot more than we do here."

"I worry about you, Kimiko. That's all." Her mother sighs sadly. "You'll understand when you have kids of your own."

"But mom..."

Kim tries to tell her that she already has a kid, but she can't muster up the words. After all, shouldn't she know? Wouldn't Kim have visited? Wouldn't she have brought Carmina into this very kitchen, all the surfaces glowing with light, and introduced them? Wouldn't her mom have been there when Carmina was born?

"It's unseasonably warm, isn't it," her dad remarks at the table. He's sitting there with a magazine as if he'd been there the whole time. He, like the rest of the room, glows from the inside, as though a flashlight were shining through his skin. It shines through the wood of the table, through her mom's curious smile, until Kim has to turn her face away. The room grows hotter and hotter, and in the far-off whistling wind she hears the first lonesome wail of an air-raid siren beginning to pick up. There's a blinding burst of light and howling wind, and Kim lifts her hands to her face, desperate not to look directly at the blast —

The bedroom is dark, warm and humid. At first, Kim doesn't know where she is, struggling to sit up, desperate to run, until all at once reality comes crashing back into focus. It doesn't help that she's pinned beneath Nick's arm and Carmina's full dead-sleeping weight.

Normally, moving would be out of the question. But Kim doesn't want this dream clinging to her memory, and she desperately wants to put some space between her and the nuclear glow of her mother's smile. Hell, maybe it isn't the dream at all — maybe it's the heat that's making lying here unbearable. Maybe it's the extra weight pinning her down, or a panic attack waiting in the wings — whatever it is, she needs to get up and run from it. As she worms her way out from underneath her family, Kim can feel the pressure building behind her eyes, fueled by the need to jog out the tension that will soon become unbearable. She needs to exercise the nightmare away before it sticks around and ruins the rest of her night.

It's probably already too late for that. The back of Kim's eyes are itchy with tears as she struggles to get free. She's already memorized her mom's smile, trapped forever in radioactive amber, and that alone is enough trauma to fuel ten more terrible dreams.

Nick and Carmina remain peacefully asleep, even as Kim extracts herself from the bed. That's good — the last thing she needs to do is worry Nick, whose own sleeping habits have just started to even out. He'll try to keep her company, and they'll just wind up keeping each other up, which wasn't ideal back in the day and definitely isn't ideal now .

Even though Carmina sleeps like the dead and Nick isn't likely to hear her, Kim is careful to watch out for the creakiest steps as she heads downstairs. Sunrise isn't for a few hours yet, but Kim isn't going to let that stop her from insomnia-pacing around her own home. It used to be that Kim would jog laps on the runway to clear her head, but that isn't going to work nowadays. She still wants to, of course; she's desperate to step out into the relatively cool night air and run herself ragged enough to pass out again, but that's out of the question. She's not about to break her own rule.

It's only once Kim is downstairs that she starts to relax, lighting one of the candles left out on the table. The light is just barely enough to see by, and Kim struggles to find something to clean up or organize in the half-dark. All of the coping mechanisms that got her through eight years of bunker living have fallen flat in the face of the apocalypse, but that doesn't keep her from trying them over and over again. Some techniques are more adaptable, but it isn't like she can dig into reorganizing the hangar for Nick at... whatever time it is now. Not without somebody catching her breaking her own rules about going outside alone.

If she had any books worth reading, she could throw herself into that, but she can't bear the manuals and children's books right now. Maybe if there was a radio station she could listen to... but no, she wouldn't want to risk burning out the radio after everything Nick and John went through to fix it. There's not going to be another Hail Mary when it comes to that kind of repair.

Her mom would probably use this time to make a series of endless lists. Grocery lists, to-do lists, lists of pros and cons for buying new appliances or inviting Kim's awful step-grandmother to her wedding... there was nothing that her mom couldn't organize into a column of bullet points or check-boxes. Kim could probably do with a few lists herself, but where is she supposed to get the paper? And even if a supply list wouldn't be a waste of resources, where would she go to fill it? It's going to be a while before they can pick up flour from the farmer's market again, that's for sure.

Well, at least wasting some paper will keep her mind busy. There's too much stuff they need, and she's going to drive herself crazy trying to remember all of it. Anyway, they've been using decades-old junk mail to prop up the radio desk — it can't be wasted if it was already trash, right?

She's careful in her search for a decent piece of mail, not wanting to tip the radio over as she jimmies a yellowed envelope from under the desk. It's only once she's back at the table with a worn-down nub of a pencil that she finds herself hesitating. After all, what is she supposed to write? What could they reasonably expect to get out here, with no supply chain to rely on? Everything that comes to mind is laughably improbable at best.

It doesn't really matter, though, does it? They're probably not going to be able to find anything besides what they can hunt and grow for themselves, so any food she writes down will be wishful thinking. John had offered to help their scavenging efforts, but it isn't likely they'll find working walkie-talkies or a new car. People who have been above ground longer than the Ryes have already taken over key resource points, and they'll be hard-pressed to give up things without a fair trade. And until they can reliably communicate with one another, trading is going to be nearly impossible. One day, maybe, they'll have trading posts and reliable supply chains, but like other pieces of their fractured society, that's not coming for a long time yet.

Staring at a blank piece of paper is worse than writing something stupid down, and so Kim quickly scribbles the word flour across the top of the envelope. She can't imagine that's going to be a reasonable expectation for a while, but at least it's on paper — and it's outlandish enough that it encourages her to continue, her thoughts darting between impossible dreams and honest reality. Salt , she thinks might not be quite as hard to find. Sugar, probably impossible. For now, they can hope for honey instead.

It goes on like that, growing more abstract as Kim lets herself dream. Milk, eggs, bread, twinkies , meat grinder, hamburgers, tomatoes, grains (seeds), grill (charcoal), gas, gas canisters (storage), duct tape, insulation foam (spray, sheet), toilet cleaner, toilet, hot water, plumbing, bathtub! , tarp, doors, ammunition, floodlights, security system, cans + string (security) —

Her flow is interrupted by a soft, distant thud somewhere upstairs. Kim listens for a few tense seconds, waiting to hear boots on the roof, the hiss of a walkie-talkie, or the slide-click of a gun being cocked. Without the cult, those fears go unrealized, and Kim slumps tiredly into her seat. She's just as paranoid about armed cultists tonight as she is about wild animals, although she's sure that's just her nightmare talking. Eden's Gate is nowhere near the threat it used to be.

The relief is short-lived, as is her solitude, when she hears an upstairs door click shut, followed by the sound of quick footsteps on the landing. The house is too old for any real attempt at stealth, but John tries to avoid the worst offending stairs on his way down. He only realizes Kim is there when he notices the candlelight, coming to an abrupt stop on the last step, one hand clutching the banister tight.

He's sweaty and out of sorts as he wipes his limp hair out of his face. "Oh," he rasps. "Kim."

He's surprised to see her. Kim should be surprised, too — it's one thing to know that John wanders the house at night, but it's another to see it happen in real-time. Honestly, she's barely phased by his appearance. John's sleep schedule has been bunker-erratic ever since Nick brought him home, and no amount of diurnal activity has managed to change it. If anything, Kim suspects he gets less sleep now than he did underground. It isn't for lack of trying, she's sure, but this isn't the first time she's heard him stumbling around in the dark. It's just the first time she's been in the same boat.

"Late night?" she asks.

John struggles once more with the hair in his eyes before giving up. "Just needed some air," he rasps, minding his volume. "Some water."

"Don't mind me," she replies, surprising herself with her own ambivalence. Knowing he moves around while they're sleeping is one thing, but seeing it should be upsetting. It should bother her when he avoids creaky floorboards on his way to help himself to their fresh water. It should make her angry to see him using their resources; at the very least, it should have upset her back when it began normalizing. But, honestly, it hadn't. Kim had just been relieved to see John acting like a person, and not just a haunted shell.

John wipes the back of his hand across his mouth, regarding Kim with deep uncertainty that Kim mostly makes out from his hunched shoulders and tense posture. He tries to hide just how lost he is, but Kim never misses it when he slips. It's not that she's sympathetic towards him, exactly, but she knows just enough about his history to want to pity him.

He doesn't speak, not even after the silence stretches out. Maybe he's waiting for her to make the first move?

The thought almost makes her laugh, but she still cuts him some slack. "Can't sleep either, huh?" she asks.

"Hardly ever," John replies, although he clearly isn't looking for reassurance. He takes a step away from the kitchen, hovering in the nebulous space between the table and the stairs. He's usually quick to leave Kim alone — quicker than he is with Nick, anyway — and so she appreciates the fact that he doesn't run now.

His voice cracks on its low pitch as he haltingly asks, "What are you doing?"

For just a second, Kim imagines giving John the cold shoulder and telling him it's none of his business. But the thought fades as quickly as it comes; it's replaced by the knowledge that John is just as dependent on the family's supplies as she is. Anything she needs, he'll also need. And besides, she's almost positive he'd been in control of the cult's supplies, which means he might have an idea of what they should realistically be looking for. He would know what the cult had planned to do, and she could probably translate that into useful advice.

"Just making a list," she sighs. It sounds stupid enough to make her wince, and she concedes with a joke, "You know, for the next time we're at Wal-Mart."

John huffs in amusement and approaches the table. Now that she's got an audience, Kim wants nothing more to do with the list, and so she pushes towards him before slumping back into her chair. Instead of the quick, distracted glance she had been expecting, John leans over to read it in full. The longer he reads, the more embarrassed Kim is of her late-night daydreaming, but he finishes with the list before she can grab it back.

"Some of these are... more manageable than others," he says, using the same kind of diplomacy he utilizes whenever Nick makes a particularly dumb comment.

"Uh, yeah ," she says, embarrassed even if she isn't surprised. "I know. It was just... taking up space in my head. I needed to write it down, otherwise, I'm going to be up all night."

Kim runs her hand through her hair, waiting for John to retreat as quickly as he'd arrived. Instead, John rereads the list once more. Kim can see his amusement much more plainly as he leans into the candlelight. It highlights the deep bags under his eyes as well, but who isn't carrying that particular mark of exhaustion these days?

"Ammunition isn't as high on the list as I'd imagined," he comments.

"We're okay on bullets for now," she replies. "And it's not like there's much to spare."

Whether or not that satisfies John, Kim isn't sure. He only hums in response, eyes roaming down the paper.

"I see you didn't bother to add more guns."

"We don't need more guns," Kim insists, although it's not strictly true. She's just hesitant to overwhelm the house with firearms. They've been getting on just fine with what they have — any more, and they might turn into a target themselves. One day, sure, they'll need to find something for Carmina to carry on her own, but that day is a long, long way away.

She doesn't need to explain herself to anyone, let alone John Seed, but as he watches her and waits for more, she feels compelled to justify herself. "I don't think we're going to find spare guns or ammunition just lying around, and I'm not about to take them by force. We've managed just fine with what we have."

"For now," John points out. "Things could change. It won't stay this calm forever."

"Why not?" Kim retorts, feeling childish and petulant as soon as the words leave her mouth. "Why do you even care? You're certainly not getting armed."

John clicks his tongue against his teeth. "It's not that," he says, only to abruptly roll over with a muttered, "Never mind."

If John thinks he can avoid the conversation that easily, he has another thing coming. "No, what is it?" she asks.

"It's nothing," he sighs, as if arrogantly dismissing her will keep Kim from pushing. When Kim only frowns unhappily back at him, he reluctantly relents. "Joseph had said taking your weapons was the only way we could ensure you wouldn't use them after the Collapse. And if we didn't lock them away, it would be all you would look for." He stares at the list, although Kim imagines his thoughts are about fifty miles away. "It's stunning how wrong he was about everything. But there are reminders everywhere."

John rarely speaks about Joseph; Kim hasn't heard him broach the subject of his own volition before. The only person who ever talks to him about his brother is Jerome, and those conversations are private and short. Having John bring him up with almost no needling feels like a step forward, even if it's only a small one. Even though John is anxious saying Joseph's name.

It's so easy to forget how much control Joseph had over John. Kim has to make a concentrated effort now and again to remind herself that Joseph hadn't only brainwashed normal, desperate people, but his own family. She can't imagine doing anything to Carmina or Nick that would turn them into the angry, anxious mess John had been even before the Collapse. Not even if it meant they would always do what they were told and would trust her implicitly. She couldn't bear it if Nick ever talked about her the way John talks about Joseph. It's late enough that Kim finds herself wondering how Joseph can even sleep at night.

"It's stupid," John says, taking Kim's contemplative silence as disapproval. "I should have known better."

He inhales, letting out a shaky breath, and closes his eyes briefly. When he opens them, they're suspiciously shiny in the candlelight. It sparks a genuine pang of sympathy in Kim, but there's nothing she can say or do to help him. Nothing she's done so far has made an impact.

"Some of this is reasonable enough," John says, desperately trying to redirect the conversation back to the list. It's an obvious, flat-footed attempt to avoid a tender spot in his psyche, but Kim is willing to let it slide.

"Sure, eventually . But we're a long way off from hot baths and backyard barbecues, much less flour and sugar."

"Those are... less reasonable," he admits, dragging his finger across one of the harder to come by items. Still, he isn't nearly as deterred as she is. "But not everything is impossible to come by. Insulation, for one. Tarp, duct tape. Components like that should be easy enough to find." He taps his finger against the envelope. "And there still places to investigate. Root cellars nobody bothered to touch. Caches you never found. Things hidden in places you wouldn't know to look, especially if you weren't in the Project."

Frowning, Kim rereads a few of the items upside-down from her side of the table. "It's been almost nine years," Kim points out, reluctant to get her hopes up so easily. "Isn't it more likely that everything good has already been discovered?"

Still... John's mentioned secret Eden's Gate supplies before. Given the size of the project and how long they were operating in the county, it's not impossible that some of their hidden stashes haven't been found yet. And they were planning for the apocalypse, right? They'd likely have saved things that could last for a long time. John isn't wrong — more ammunition and more weapons would be helpful. At the very least, they could help arm other survivors.

"It wouldn't hurt to have a look, I guess," Kim relents after thinking it over. "How good is your memory?"

That earns her a rare, quiet chuckle from John. "Middling to poor," he admits, "Although if I had a map, it would help. It would make it easier to mark what I remember."

"To think, it only took nine years and an apocalypse for you to finally hand over the intel."

John huffs, but his response is only mildly offended. "Do you want what I have to offer, or not?"

"Don't be like that," Kim says, placating him with a smile. "It would be a big help. It'll help me sleep better, anyway."

It seems there's more on John's mind than Kim teasing him, since he takes the non-apology and moves on without a fight. "Jacob had caches buried for after the Reaping," he says. "They'll most likely be weapons, but he was... hard to read. It could be that he stored survival equipment in one. There were a few in the valley, but most of them would be in the mountains."

Kim shakes her head at that. "As far as I've heard, nobody's made it very far north. And the stories I have heard aren't good. The dam broke, so a lot of the area is flooded, and supposedly the radiation is still pretty bad."

John hums briefly as he considers the facts. He leans contemplatively over the list, and for a moment Kim wonders if this was a common occurrence for him before the Collapse. How many late nights did he spend bent over a map while his brothers watched and waited for his decisions? She has to suspect it was a lot, because this is the first time she's seen John look even remotely confident.

That confidence is clear in his voice as he remarks defiantly, "I suppose the valley will do until we get airborne again. Let flooding stop us then ."

"Oh, okay," Kim laughs, checking her volume before she lets her amusement wake up the rest of her family. "You are just like Nick. Neither of you are going to give up until you get back in the sky, huh?"

"Exactly," John replies. "I won't trust anybody else to do it. Realistically, a helicopter would be the best option..."

"Oh, right," Kim chuckles. " Realistically ."

John taps accusingly at the list and raises an eyebrow at her. "Less realistic than hot water and iodized table salt?"

If Kim didn't know better, she might think that John is actually teasing her. He normally saves that kind of attitude for Nick, who prefers arguing through and around problems. Kim, on the other hand, rarely has the energy to deal with avoidance tactics, and so she tends to demand his sincerity. Thankfully, the liminal time of just-about-three has softened her stance on the matter.

"Okay," she relents with a smile. "Sure. Might as well add helicopters to the list." It would be a pretty big get for them, all things considered. And anyway, John's right — Kim wouldn't trust flying in a plane jury-rigged together by anyone other than Nick.

But that's a resource that will come in the nebulous future, and Kim's too realistic to worry years in advance right now. There are more pressing concerns to deal with, first — like food, water and security. Any caches John can find will at least fulfill one of those priorities, although Kim can't imagine the cult storing anything other than ammunition and weapons. But even if the caches don't pan out, they might find valuable scrap, like logs for firewood, furniture they can re-purpose, or even old survivalist caches that nobody thought to dig up after the world ended. And now that there are four of them, Kim won't feel so uncomfortable when Nick wants to drive to the middle of nowhere looking for supplies.

Kim sighs with relief, feeling a weight roll off her back that she hadn't been trying to remove. "Things will be a lot easier if you can help us with supplies. And I'll feel better about Nick going out if he has somebody to watch his back."

John pulls the same face he usually makes when someone implies they trust him. Kim could ignore it — after all, John doesn't need to believe they trust them for it to be true. Too bad for him, it's too late at night for her to turn a blind eye. "Oh, get over it," she tells him, unable to help a lopsided smile at his offended scowl. "I seriously doubt you're planning on murdering us at this point. And I know Nick is smart enough to knock the crap out of you if he thinks you've changed your mind."

"I won't," John immediately replies.

Kim believes him, if only because there's nobody left for John to rely on other than them. "Good. Because if I can trust you, that means I won't worry about Nick when he decides to go farther than town. It means we can spend more meaningful time with Carmina, too. Anyway, Nick likes bossing you around, and you like being bossed around, so everybody wins."

John ducks his head, embarrassed, but Kim laughs to let him know she's only teasing. "Seriously," she says, relenting for his benefit, "It does help. It's good to have somebody else to rely on."

"I... want to be helpful," John replies, although Kim suspects that he might be confusing his wants and needs again. It's not quite a compulsion anymore, but even John's most heated attempts to argue about a job end with him rolling over quick. He hasn't outright refused to do something, and Kim doesn't think he ever will, if only to prove to himself one more time that he might actually be capable of change.

It might get annoying one day, but for now, Kim can respect his intense desire to make amends. She just wishes he would accept some form of gratitude or praise in return, to make it less awkward on her end.

Kim rests her hands momentarily on the tabletop, tapping her fingers briefly against the wood. "Okay," she softly declares, "I think I'm going to try to get back to sleep." Whatever she winds up dreaming about now, she's pretty sure it won't be the same awful nightmare again — and that's at least partially because of John's intervention. She figures it's worth telling him as much. "You made a pretty good distraction, so thanks."

He nods immediately in response. "Of course," he replies, momentarily bewildered as he checks Kim's expression for signs of sarcasm or annoyance. His posture relaxes as Kim stands, although Kim imagines his relief is temporary. He's pretty good at working himself up into anxious frenzies — staying out of them is another matter entirely.

"Try to get some sleep yourself, okay?" Kim suggests.

There's no way John means it when he says, "I will," but at least he's willing to placate her instead of getting mad at her being concerned in the first place.

"And try not to wake up Carmina."

John nods affirmatively. Kim's positive that he'll sneak outside once she's gone upstairs, but at least he's waiting patiently for her to leave. If it weren't for her returning exhaustion, Kim might've used him as an excuse to do her own late-night workout, but it'll have to do to merely turn a blind eye to him edging around her rule about going out after dark alone. Kim and Nick have both been woken up by the exterior doors, but John never goes beyond the planters out back, and he always closes up when he comes back in. Kim could call him out on it, but... well, it seems like he needs the freedom.

Kim says goodnight and is mildly surprised when John returns it without any lingering sarcasm. He must be pretty tired, but that's not really a surprise. Hopefully, he'll try to take some of her concern to heart, or at least pretend for her sake.

Although Carmina is definitely still asleep when Kim returns to the bedroom, Nick is watching her with bleary-eyed curiosity. He waits until she's closed the door to speak up, and even then it's a dull, quiet whisper.

"Everything okay?" he asks.

He doesn't mind waiting for Kim to creep back to bed before she answers. "It is," she tells him, gratefully crawling into bed as he opens his arms for her. He folds his arms over her shoulders, letting her wiggle into a comfortable spot before she explains in a whisper. "I needed to move around, and John came downstairs. That's all."

"Hope he wasn't a creep," Nick mumbles into her hair. Kim sighs laughingly into his collarbone, which is already sticking to her cheek with sweat. There's no way she's going to be wrapped up in Nick's arms all night, not when it's this hot, but she'll appreciate it while she's got it.

"Not yet," Kim says. "Just talking about supplies." She presses a kiss to Nick's shoulder and whispers, "We'll talk about it in the morning."

Nick hums happily into Kim's hair. "Sounds good to me," he mumbles. The less they talk about John Seed, the better, after all. Especially right now, when they're tangled up in bed with their daughter snoring next to them; there's no room for serious conversation, and there's absolutely no room for John. There's no space for the nightmares that woke her, either; as Kim falls asleep, Nick's hand tangled up in her hair, she thankfully forgets everything save for a warm, melancholy amber glow.

#fc5 #fcnd #john seed #kim rye #far cry new dawn #its only the first 5 right i can't remember #i feel like i was channeling james a janice here for a minute #HEY GUYS welcome to the kill count where we'll be tallying up all the skeletons in john seed's closet #mercyverse #my fic

[tarmairons]

aaaaaaand here’s part 2 of the extensive (book & netflix) masterpost of all my fave eslaf moments!!!! again, fair warning, this is a very long post

[part 1]

i wish i could have done all this in one part but i hit a size limit oops

NOW ONTO SEASON 3!!! which was a nightmare but i’ll try to pretend it wasn’t for the sake of this post

to begin: the constant endearments in the book (and the show... “darling dearest dreamboat” damn esmé) have me losing my wholeass mind like

next up we have the indisputable fact that they f*cked in the tent on mount fraught. my proof is that they shared a tent and it was cold and so they had to generate heat. thank you

and then another instance of their shared brain cell evaporating

olaf being super proud of scoring the world’s hottest girlfriend and bragging to his parental figures is surprisingly wholesome 

aaaand their brain cell is still missing in action

it’s very very cute how olaf obviously has zero artistic talent but esmé is always out there looking at him putting on a show like he’s the most amazing actor alive

and next on the list of scenes we were robbed of: p h y s i c a l  a f f e c t i o n

but at least the most important line, that is:

was included:

so i won’t torch netflix hq just yet!!!! oh but WAIT they cut this next part, so i might change my mind about the arson after all

and also this line ???? ugh they’re disgusting i love them

and then this whole entire scene of olaf being so proud of his murderous gf was. beautiful. spectacular. legendary 

and then someone pointed out that their hug looks like that draco/voldemort hug and it’s TRUE but i’m still gonna include it bc netflix is eslafphobic and i’m clinging to scraps here

this next line isn’t an eslaf scene but the phrasing is sending me shddhhdjsh

ok submarine time!!!! aka netflix making the sugar bowl esmé’s priority whereas in the book it is olaf’s as well AND netflix making it look like olaf was against carmelita joining them whereas it was his idea in the book… so basically all the reasons they fight in the show are unsubstantiated but go off i guess

very grateful for this Old Married Couple Bickering tho

and i know this whole scene is very problematic and talked about profusely on tumblr dot com but i’m including this screencap bc it’s soft how esmé considers them all a family

and Oh Wait olaf does too i’m melting

it’s like in TPP they wrote him bitching about “pretending to be a family” but he didn’t have any issues with it earlier, he just ran with it when esmé called carmelita their daughter

and was like “i know” ok netflix so why have him complain about it later on smh… he’s clearly not THAT mad about it, like:

next up!!! i’m a big fan of them disagreeing over something…

…and then 0.5 seconds later they’re getting along again:

^ that is the essence of their relationship

and now back to the topic of olaf not being annoyed at esmé’s Fashion Diva moments:

see he’s lowkey impressed ok

i’m now realizing that 99% of my alleged fave eslaf scenes from s3 are just me complaining about how the books are superior but ok

anyway this next scene deserves an emmy. give lucy an emmy for the delivery of “BUT DARLING”

and this is also soft bc olaf is like :/ and then esmé says something and he turns to her and is like :) so that always has me on the floor in tears

out of context this sentence is wild but like… netflix back at it again with robbing us of all the affectionate scenes huh

and here’s another instance of Couples Scheming being a fun activity to do together

and then we have their joint brain cell screaming for help but it’s adorable so

and then they go off to f*ck again

next up this whole beach scene is just more old married couple behavior and i absolutely adore it

and then we have Bonding Over Arson ~just couple things~

the fact that as the series progresses they go from “count olaf’s gf” to “esmé squalor’s bf” is legendary

and now this isn’t really a fave scene per se BUT considering the mess netflix made of the breakup i have to give a shoutout to the book version bc in comparison to the show version it’s.. beautiful how Mutual Agreement it is

but yeah lucy is spectacular here and it adds fuel to the Esmé Did Have Feelings For Olaf Because Otherwise She Wouldn’t Be Crying fire, which is great for me bc i love my otps with a side of angst

and of course netflix confirmed that esmé squalor, the city’s sixth most important financial advisor, has a daddy kink, so that’s incredible

you may think i’m done bc they broke up but no

here we have them a millisecond away from murdering each other but they’ll still take time out of their busy schedules to menacingly glare at children together. a spiritual bond that no breakup can destroy

but the real gem is the massive horny on main energy in the opera flashback (which was awful, but horny, so i have mixed feelings)

subtle, esmé

you too olaf, good job

and ofc it’s [luciana voice] imperative to remember that in the book esmé was out there trying to stop the premeditated murder of olaf’s parents so that’s nice of her

and last but not least the only valid s3 scene aside from esmé menacing the kids in the burned vfd headquarters:

sexy noir aesthetic fire escape rendezvous that ignited a revenge scheme spanning decades. if that’s not peak romance idk what is

and not to be controversial but i’m gonna drop this here anyway

ever since i read the end a billion years ago i always used to think olaf meant kit in this scene but like ?????? over the past few months i’ve been thinking, what if he meant esmé?? i mean, nothing directly negates that possibility, the books are so ambiguous and so open to interpretation that i might as well twist them to fit my headcanons, as we all do, so why tf not 

and i’m gonna add some final Thoughts and Opinions in case i get more anons asking why i ship eslaf even though they’re constantly bickering &/or about to Snap and kill each other:

i’m hopelessly weak for villainous ‘us against the world’ power couples and it’s like.. even though in the series they ultimately have different end goals, they have a great time being awful people together along the way and that’s all that matters, that familiarity and mutual understanding between them. neither of them ever tried to change the other, they’re both garbage people and that’s why they get along, and what makes them so compatible

and while i’m still hesitant to use the word ‘love’ in regard to their relationship bc it just doesn’t feel Right to me (i know there’s people out there who feel otherwise but i’m still meh about it), i don’t doubt that they had feelings for each other deep down, even if they didn’t always outwardly express them

so that’s my massive essay with so much source evidence that tumblr made me divide it into 2 separate posts thank you for your attention i need a vacation from tumblr now bc this took me HOURS

#a series of unfortunate events #asoue #eslaf

[myjadecoloredglasses]

Ancestral

When I was a young girl. 9 or 10 years old. I felt this hole in the center of my body. Somewhere between my chest and my stomach, and large. It felt round, ovular. I would say “I can feel wind blowing through it.” It felt cold and lovely. I never liked the cold, I have a strong distaste for winter and moved to Los Angeles from Seattle, specifically to live in a place where it’s warmer all year round. I prefer to look at snow and not play in it. 

7 days ago today he told me in somber tones that he would not come around anymore. We would speak no longer. He wasn’t sure how he felt but love was a large enough word that he didn’t want to stand under it’s shadow and feel unsure if it would exist ever between us more then in one direction. 

Two days prior I confronted him on his distancing. It was obvious and I am generally one to call out the weirdness rather then let it fester. My body is sensitive and gets wobbly when there is incongruent stories being played out. 

That night I called my brother. I had just been put on romantic probation and of course that all spilled out of me as soon as he answered. He and I have finally found our connection. It took us 23 years. He is day and I am night. Sun and moon. Loud and quiet. I’ve always love him but not always loved the way he acted. My brother is stronger then I am in facing our father. He always has had the ability to rip the bandaid off and be honest. Whereas I am always trying to offer solutions rather then blunt honesty. He told me dad was saying that he had been stabbed and was at Harborview Hospital recovering. But there was a whole story around him manipulating my brother and money and it was all hard to trust. For the first time in years that hole opened back up. I felt sick and hollow but there was a churning toxicity to the air blowing through me. Not a new feeling but one I can done well eradicating from my life. 

Sunday the communication probation was lifted and I was set to spin in the wind. Arms open and flailing, heart extended through valves stretched from the velocity of the spin. With a tiny cuts next to a gash, all of which spraying blood to the rotation. I lost myself in the blood loss. Dreamt I had a miscarriage, blood everywhere, lower back aching and waking me throughout the night. My father had given me this feeling exacerbation many times. It was a waltz we clumsily and as if it was studied mercilessly danced together since I can remember. 

Two years ago, in the flea house. Yes it was as bad as it sounds. I was getting into shaman vision walks. My family was practicing more and more tools of self awareness and it was filtering through to me, and I had general intrigue and it came very easily. At that time I was 5 years into emotional awareness discovery and trying meditation and journeys at home to places within myself I had created and anchored previously. 

I was wandering into my garden. It is at the center of the earth, where there is an open space with the heat and light of the core of my planet, it always looks like sunset. I am about 30 ft inland from a vast stretched body of water. I haven’t gotten into it yet. There are tropical plants and trees that surround and stand between the water, beach and a large stone tiled platform. At the center and to the back there is a throne. Everything is earth tones, brown and red and tan and golden. There are pillars holding together an upper border to the platform. Like a triangular but squared off opening. If sitting or standing below this border and looking up, you can see solar systems and expansive space. I meet the goddesses here. 

Two years ago, hanging out in my garden I met my father and wanted to try to heal the wound between us. I was working to pull what looked like black tar out of me. It was coming out through my back between my 3rd and 4th chakra. It started to cling to me internally and I became frightened and realized it was an entity, there was life to it. I got very scared and jumped out of the scene. My heart rate lifted and me having to not step on that exact space in that tiny room for a few weeks. I didn’t tell anyone about it cause I felt kinda nuts and was also honestly scared. My father’s side of the family, somewhat my mother’s too has very high functioning toxicity patterning. I didn’t know what I was messing with and knew for sure I didn’t trust I knew how to properly deal with it. 

Fast forward back to last week. There is a global virus called COVID-19 or more popularly the “Coronavirus” which has much of the world quarantined and panicking. Stock markets on rollercoasters, the two month tour I was just going to go on got cancelled 3 days into rehearsal along with every other large gathering operation, national/international sports events, shows, meetings, etc. Unprecedented for our recent history and culture we are used to functioning in.  

Basically going into last week I’m fried and frightened and squashed energetically. Speaking with my parents (mother and bonus father) daily, as they helped me climb out of my blind sided muddied water spinning dunk tank to gather my strength and find myself again. In the midst of this climb I opened up about this black thing that had been clinging to my back for two years. Like a tick blocking my full access to the divine and clinging to my inner light, wrapped through my organs and intestines. They recommended I paint it. I like to dabble in watercolor painting. Some things I’m proud of and some things I throw away but I can definitely use it to express abstract ideas and visions. We made plans to have a guided meditation one week later to extract the entity and release it. 

Over the next week my mother and I communicated almost daily. The quarantine was spreading throughout the united states, and our cities (Los Angeles and Seattle) were two locations with larger outbreaks occurring. She told me that in her dreams and in her morning meditation she had been fighting this entity with myself, Gaia and Jesus. What follows are her experiences: 

“This morning's journey was brief. And definitely felt like part 1. You and I stepped they a portal into a sacred garden and then went down into a beautiful meadow where there was a well and it felt like we were in Ireland or Scotland... The land of our ancestors... Could've been Italy, idk but looked more like Ireland. There was an altar at the well and you put a lock of your hair on the altar and then we went to the well and we both cried and cried into the well water and then we began to drink the well water knowing it had been transformed. We poured our suffering into that well and we trusted the healing process. Then we began to drink the water and the feeling was one of total renewal. I could feel it in every cell of my body. And I had a strong sense that you felt that same way. Then I had a clear impression to move away from the well and look for a body of water that we could get in.“

DREAM: “I'm walking through a crowd of people and realize I'm not wearing a top.. naked from the waist up. I immediately exit to find something to put on and must pass everyone in the huge room to get out of there. I enter an apartment and I'm just so overwhelmed that I take what I think is a couple of valium but realize that my mouth is full of them. I get scared of overdosing/dying. I want to spit them out but can't at the moment... I'm embarrassed and don't want others to know what I've done. I have to wait to get to a place where I can spit them out. Meanwhile they're dissolving in my mouth. Finally I spit them out. I go into a meeting but we're all unprepared. The coffee maker is broken. Everything is going wrong. I really want coffee to help me wake up/be more alert. Then the business people disappear... and paranormal activity starts up. What appears to be a super heavy dense huge black bowling ball comes flying out of a kitchen cupboard. I'm really scared... this is potentially very dangerous. It keeps flying around the room. Standing in the light of the kitchen window, I begin to exorcise this demon. Calling on the ascended masters and angels of the highest order to intervene and get this thing out. I banish it repeatedly and at the top of my lungs. It does not leave but begins to deflate, becoming less and less powerful. Eventually I'm in a biplane or something, along with several children and we're flying away from the building in a somewhat precarious flying machine... but we are getting away. This dream has elements that are clearly connected to your situation and feelings. You've been talking about this black void (which now has tentacles) inside of you for many years. We will journey together and finish disentangling this dark energy from you. I love you, Mama “

“I met you in the bubble/globe. The black octopus entity was attached to your back. I found a very large needle in my hand that contained fire. I poked it into the center of the entity. It's tentacles immediately began to release from you in the shock and agony of being on fire... it began to peel away. Gaia and Christ were there standing behind us. She handed me some herbs. I knew they were poisonous to the entity... like strychnine and hemlock came to mind. As the entity detached, I poured these herbs on it rendering it lifeless. Then I picked it up off the ground with a stick and placed it in the bowl of water the two deities were holding. It was holy water that magically transformed/dissolved what was left of the entity. Then Gaia watered her plants with it, what was now transformed to nourish the plants we'd used to remove it from you. Then I turned my attention back to you and your angel was there ready to assist in your healing. The angel (couldn't tell if male or female) began to blow the divine breath of God into your back, breathing healing, renewal and light into you, moving up and down your spine/chakras. Then I saw you on a beach, doing yoga, walking the beach with a loved one. Happy.”

During this time, usually before speaking to my mother or receiving her correspondence I noticed entity peeling off, like a scab. First the upper left corner, near my heart. The before the week was over it had fallen about halfway off. At this point I could see there was a thick long tentacle at the center that had burrowed into my being. I couldn’t tell how far in or to where exactly but I knew it was coiled and knotted somewhere deep in me. 

Sunday arrived. My parents and I had made arrangements to meet at 1pm. My mother advices me to: “If possible have 4 items on your altar to represent the elements... Earth (Crystal, earth, sand, an herb), Fire (candle) Air (feather, bird painting) Water (small cup of water, Sea shell).”

I created a circle of stones and rose petals around my bed in a large enough pattern for myself to lay within. Candles north, seashells west, feathers east, a stone shaped like a heart and a painted on piece of driftwood south. My head laying due north, to my right the ocean, to my left the sunrise, at my feet goddess light, warmth and peace. 

My mother was laying with me in spirit in Seattle and my bonus father lead:

I was nowhere. It was creamy pink lit and hazy. My mother and step father with me. As we called in my brother he arrived. My father was invited and was there but at one point later in the inviting wanted to take over and was emotionally quarantined, to observe and heal and not partake in any aspect beyond that. We called in the archetypes of the four directions and they lovingly created a square around our triangle. Then in came my community, ancestors, energies of love and joy and support gathered in a circular fashion around us, hundreds or thousands strong. I’ve never been good at averages in numbers of people haha. Here we breathed and supported each other in accessing all that is good, clean and strong. 

I’m walking a forest path. There is a wide root separation at the base of a tree in front of me and off to the right a bit. The space is an opening wide enough to crawl into. It is dark, there is no light, I continue to crawl not really afraid, I trust where I’m going. I start to see a glow, I’m nearing my sanctuary, the path starts to lengthen and widen and I am able to stand. I come to a threshold on the other side of which is my garden. I call in the archetypes, the goddesses they line up in front of me. Artemis is asked to leave her weapons at the door and she does, placing them on the earth just outside the threshold. Quan Yin enters first and sits on the thrown as the other goddesses enter. White Buffalo Calf Woman bows and weeps at her feet. Artemis and Babayaga stand silent, soft and supportive. Quan Yin walks to me and stands about two feet away. The entity relaxes and falls off, tentacles lax and lifeless. The center tentacle is still within me but unraveling and slowly falling out, getting thinner with every foot length that falls out. Quan Yin picks it up and hold it like a baby. It turns gold in her arms and for a moment looks like a young child. Like a baby, and the word innocence crossed my mind. We are still connected by that final tentacle which I’ve realized is wrapped all throughout my intestines. It finally comes all the way out and drops tired to the floor. Quan Yin continues to hold it like a baby, looking to it with love and admiration, giving it an aura of purple and green. She stands tall and releases it up through the pillar ceiling boarder into the universe and it flies into space where it is reconnected to it’s own kind. It’s community and family. The goddesses each take a turn putting their hands on me. First Quan Yin with her golden light and warm hands. Then Artemis. Then Babayaga. Babayaga stuck her hands into me. Into my back where the center chords was and into my stomach, where it had been knotted and tied around my intestines. With open palms she shook her hands left to right and then folded them in a light grip. She did this for a while and it made me uncomfortable, now thinking back it was almost a washing motion, like cleaning out a rag.. kind of. In her grumpy way she completed and stepped to the side and White Buffalo Calf Woman placed her hands on my back and on my stomach where babayaga had just been and emanated a pure white healing light into me. She walked me over to a clawfoot tub and helped me into it. All the goddesses put their hands in the water and their respective colors sparkled out and filled the bath with color. It was then time to leave. Crawled back up through the earth and into the light. Danced in the day with the forest and mother earth and then got ear attacked by the insanely loud chime by bonus dad played ;) hahah 

[90simaginesandfanfics]

Loved the imagine!! If you have time you should do another one, but this time can you make like fluffy smut?? With 94 Eddie? maybe based on the song elderly woman behind the counter in a small town, they have known each other but got separate ways, she is in another band. Idk. Thank you for your time xox

I hope this is alright and what you were looking for ❤*****Everything was so familiar and it was starting to get to you. It had been several years since you'd been to San Diego, and a part of you hated the fact that you were back, especially because of the reason you were back. But the other part of you couldn't help but feel hopeful about the whole situation. You had been playing bass in the band Heresy for just over six months now. Even though you hadn't been the original bass player, you had been welcomed with open arms by all the fans, and it was amazing. The band was doing so well, that you had managed to score a gig opening up for Pearl Jam on the west coast leg of their tour. However, while the rest of the band were ecstatic, you couldn't help but feel a pain in your gut whenever you thought about it. One thing that you hadn't disclosed to your band members was the fact that you and the lead singer knew each other. You had met Eddie in the fall of 84', when you were working at a hotel in downtown San Diego, and he started working as a security guard on the night shift. After weeks of flirting over midnight coffee, he asked you out, and you soon started dating. You fell in love and became obsessed with each other. Those years with him were what you considered to be the best of your life. You were so happy, you thought nothing could bring you down, but it did. You started arguing all the time. He became jealous and distant, you became overbearing and needy. Everything started to break down around you. After 3 years of being together, you had decided it was finally over, and it was one of the worst periods of your life. You still saw Eddie from time to time, but you would both ignore each other, only making it hurt worse. You'd heard he'd moved to Seattle to be in some band, and when that band ended up becoming the biggest thing in music, it became hard for you to ignore. You had never really gotten over him, and you were dreading this tour. You had no idea if he knew that you were even part of the band. You had convinced yourself that he couldn't possibly know, why would he allow for Heresy to open for Pearl Jam if he knew he would have to go on tour with you? He probably wouldn't even recognise you anymore. You stepped off the bus as you and your band mates made your way to the arena. You got backstage and set up in the dressing room you had been assigned. You decided to stay there until sound check, and then come back and stay there again until the show. Once sound check rolled around, you grabbed your bass and headed to the front of the stadium, and onto the stage. There were several sound engineers below the stage, figuring out how your set was going to go. You went through some rehearsal songs, with you closing your eyes and focusing solely on the music. However, after another song, you opened your eyes and decided to turn towards the arena. Your eyes, however, fell to someone who was sitting in one of the front row chairs, just behind the sound crew. Your breath hitched, and you missed a note, but quickly recovered as if nothing had ever happened. Why would he just be sitting there watching? You silently scolded yourself. You knew you were going to have to come in contact with him sooner or later, you just didn't anticipate it was going to have so much of an effect on you. After the sound check finished, you put your bass away, and helped pack up all of your equipment."You played good." You tensed as you felt his presence come up behind you, his voice sending shivers up your spine. You turned around to face him. His hair was so much shorter than when you had been together, resting just above his shoulders now. His face was still as perfect as ever, but the frown lines that rested between his brow were more prominent than they had been. You wished he looked terrible, so you wouldn't feel as inferior, but he looked perfect like usual."Thanks." You said bluntly, and pushed your way around him, making your way back to your dressing room. Until a hand grabbed your wrist and pulled you back. You faced him again."Let. Go." You said in staccato, trying to intimidate him, even though you actually felt like bursting into tears. His eyes burned into yours, almost begging you to let him talk."Look, I know you probably hate me, but can't we just get along for the tour?" He asked, the look in his eyes, yearning for you to say yes. You laughed internally. It pained you to admit, but you were still hopelessly in love with him, and here he is, saying that you probably hate him. You looked him in the eyes, and suddenly felt the need to cry hysterically. There was so much warmth and familiarity in his eyes, it made you feel like home. You looked down to the floor, and turned around, rushing back to your dressing room, and leaving him alone on the stage.Later than night, you bounded off the stage as you finished your set. The audience had been incredible and the night was one of the best of your life. You rushed down the stairs towards backstage, where all the crew were giving the band members high fives. As you were making your way down the corridor, you noticed the members of Pearl Jam making their way in the opposite direction, towards the stage to start their concert off. You were about to pass Eddie, when he grabbed your wrist again and forced you to look at him."Please don't ignore me, you know I hate that." He said in a soft tone. You scoffed, finding it funny how he talked to you like you were still together."You're gonna miss your show Ed." you said in return, gesturing towards the stadium full of fans. He looked back, and then turned to you with a resigned look on his face. You walked away from him again, for a second time in one day, leaving him feeling dejected."So, uh, this is a song I wrote a while ago. You may have heard it on the second record.." For some reason you had decided to torture yourself and sit next to the stage while Pearl Jam performed. You guess you're a masochist or something. So here you were, watching Eddie speak to the audience. "...and, uh, I kinda wrote it to be nostalgic. But I also wrote it about a certain situation, which I never thought would happen, but happened today actually. So, here goes." You sat back and tried to get rid of the haunting feeling you suddenly felt. Then he began singing."I seem to recognise your face..." "Memories, like fingerprints, are slowly raising...""I just want to scream hello. My god it's been so long, never dreamed you'd return...""Hearts and thoughts they fade, fade away."By the time he finished the song, he had turned to you, and you were both making intense eye contact. You looked away first and left the side of the stage, running to your dressing room. You were so overwhelmed with emotion, you didn't know what to do. You sat on the sofa and cried silently, grieving for a relationship that you wish you had back. After another hour or so, you had calmed down. You were about to fall asleep, when a knock sounded at your door."Come in." You said, quickly drying away any tears. The door opened to reveal the one person who'd caused you both the most love and the most pain in your life. Eddie walked over towards you and sat on the couch next to you."I'm sorry if I upset you up there. I didn't really know how to act, and I just wanted to get my feelings out the best way I could." You looked up at him, and his perfect face. He stared back and slowly leaned down, pressing a small kiss on your lips."I never stopped loving you, you know that?" He said. You felt tears well up in your eyes as you thought of everything you had been through. You felt like any minute now, you were going to wake up, realising that this was all a dream."I never did either." You replied. He suddenly took you into his arms and kissed you passionately. You returned his kiss with just as much ferocity. He pulled away."You don't even know how long I've dreamed about this for. It doesn't even seem real." "Eddie, I never want to leave again." You said, as you both started to take each other's clothes off sensually. "I'm never gonna let that happen baby." You fell onto the couch, with him on top of you. He gently pushed into you, making you feel pleasure you hadn't experienced since you'd broke up. You gasped at the familiarity of it. He moaned lowly and began slowly pushing into you, again and again, making pressure build in your core. As you got closer, you kissed his neck and sucked just below his jaw. You both came, moaning out your releases. Afterwards, you held each other close, like the other would disappear if you didn't cling into them. You both knew it was going to be a lot of hard work, and nothing was just going to be magically fixed, but you knew that life without Eddie, simply wasn't worth it.*****Hope you like it 💗 It's super late, but this week has been more hectic than usual. I would really appreciate some feedback as well. Be sure to send me some more requests if you want any, as they are so much fun to write 💗

[waltrp]

they say if you dream a thing more than once, it's sure to come true

A SPECIAL MESSAGE ADMIN ZULEMA:  boy oh boy did I cry when i received this in my inbox !!! BECCA MY LOVE welcome back to Walt ! I am so excited to see you on our dash once more. Aurora has always held a special place in my heart. I am so excited to see her once more. I’m even more excited to see where you take her this time around. Please refer to THIS PAGE for your next tasks. We can’t wait to roleplay with you. Welcome to our Ohana xx.

It’s a pleasure to meet you…

Well if this isn’t a biast from the past, idk what is!!

But for real, I’m Becca, 24, and currently in the EST timezone! I use she/her pronouns and am v much triggered by self harm!!

Are you positive you can be active?

Life has gotten 1000% easier since the last time I was here, so definitely! I do work full time, but I am usually fairly active in the evening and on weekends.

How did you stumble upon Walt?

I’m a former member, so I’ve known about this place for a while now, lol.

Did you read the rules?

Sure did!

Are you sure?

Hercules could date Scuttle (which is a strange pair tbh but,,,, I lowkey want to see it.)

Character you want?

My bby Aurora Capulet. <3

Please describe the character for us

Y’all know what a soft spot I have in my heart for Aurora, and that’s mainly because I’ve spent plenty of time looking at the little bit of source material we get for her in the movie in order to build her character. At first glance, it would be easy to write her off as naive and the type to have her head up in the clouds. And honestly, she is that! Her entire upbringing was one that gave her the luxury of staying innocent and carefree, and with little entertainment to keep her otherwise occupied it’s no real wonder that she turned to daydreaming about far off places and handsome princes as a way of passing the time. As a hopeless romantic at heart, her entire being clings to daydreams of being whisked off her feet by her one true love, and that in and of itself gives off an almost ethereal quality to her as if she’s almost always only half-there.

She’s far from the posh, uptight type that most would expect a princess to be, and most would probably be shocked to ever find out her true identity considering how simply she leads her life. Her love of nature is far from diminished, and she often finds herself yearning for a return to  quiet escape of the woodland home she left all those years ago. Still, with no option to return she often finds herself finding substitutes for that lifestyle: going barefoot in the park, taking hikes among nature trails, and forever stopping to admire the prettiest of flowers and the lushest of foliage. Even the way she dresses would lead most to label her more as a sort of flower child rather than someone of royal heritage, so there is most certainly an aesthetic and lifestyle that she clings to.

That being said, behind that sweet, dreamy exterior lies a girl with a world’s worth of responsibility upon her shoulders, and it has understandably impacted her. For one, she still struggles with identity issues; after all, being raised as one person for sixteen years only to discover that it all was a lie (even down to her name, which is still a sore spot), is enough to spin anyone’s head in circles, and she often feels like she can never really get a good hold on who she really is. In addition to this, she doesn’t particularly care for attention and while she is extremely friendly and sweet, she is equally cautious of strangers and isn’t the type that is prone to extreme excitability. Finally, she carries a strong sense of duty and responsibility. This is essentially the only reason she even agreed to follow her aunt’s wishes instead of running off to find her mystery man once again. At the end of the day, she hates disappointing people and will almost always do what is expected of her… even if it’s at the expense of her own happiness, as it was in that case.

Second character choice

This might be risky, but I’m settling on my one and only.

It’s time to see that sample para.

She ran.

She ran until her legs ached and her lungs burned, until the sound of the babbling brook had faded into the rustling of the leaves and the trunks of the trees surrounding her turned familiar once more as if they were a beacon to how close she’d gotten to home. Rose had no idea just how far she’d gone since she’d started her flight from the meadow but the wobbling of her knees had served as enough proof that she couldn’t go much farther even if she wanted to. And god, how she wanted to. Even after she’d stumbled to a stop, bracing herself against a nearby pine tree as if it were the only thing keeping herself still standing, she still found herself sparing glances over her shoulder as if she would catch a glimpse of a red cape or a head of golden brown hair at any given second. It was there that she lingered for several moments with shoulders heaving up and down with labored breaths, and yet as the seconds passed there remained no sign of the man in her wake.

“He didn’t follow.” The sigh she emitted at the realization was ambiguous at best and was tinged with just as much disappointment as it was with relief. Her gaze lingered a moment longer, focused on the crest of the hill for a moment longer before she pushed herself off to meander towards the stream just a mere couple of feet away. The scene still played in her head as if she were willing each and every detail to commit themselves to memory: the deep baritone of his voice, the warmth that practically seemed to emanate from him… The memory of his touch, in particular, seemed the most vivid. Even then, alone as she halfheartedly dipped a toe in the water, she could almost feel the way his fingers brushed along her arms and cupped around her waist as if by a phantom’s touch. Rose had spent years listening to her aunts’ stories about dashing knights and charming princes and yet even they could hardly hold a candle to the handsome stranger that had all but entranced her in the woods for the last few hours. He was real, in the flesh, and unfortunately for her, long gone.

The sensible part of her was thankful that she was alone. No matter how handsome and charming the man was, after all, he was a stranger. Rose could practically hear Flora lecturing her for now, scolding her half to death for even getting close to someone she didn’t know, and yet there was another part of her that yearned to be back in his arms once more. She’d already started humming that same tune - foreign yet strangely familiar in a way that warmed her heart - before she could even realize she was singing to begin with, and the memory of it brought a small, nostalgic smile to her lips. “He was terribly charming, wasn’t he?” She mused, glancing over at the twittering little bluebirds that had settled on her shoulder just moments prior before glancing back down absentmindedly at the creek, “And handsome, too. Almost makes you wonder what someone like him was doing in the woods, doesn’t it?”

The fond little grin that had settled across her expression quickly made way for disappointment, and it seemed that a frown made its way there just as soon as she shook herself from the lovesick reverie that she’d so happily settled into. “It’s a shame they wouldn’t understand. Surely if there was just some way to make them see…” She trailed off, her brow furrowed in frustration as she glanced behind her once more to glance at the remaining assembly of animals that had gathered behind her. Strange as it was, she could swear that there was something in their eyes that told her they understood even if they never responded. Fauna always joked that she was willing to accept just about any company after sixteen years in the woods, but Rose still maintained that they were smarter than most assumed. And what she could read from them was an almost silent encouragement, a near urging to follow the path that her heart was leading her down. “Why,” she murmured, allowing a halfhearted laugh to slip through her lips, “I’m sure they might just like him. Imagine that.”

The fact of the matter was that like it or not, there was a high likelihood that her aunts would have to at least understand her wishes. After all, he’d promised to come see her that very evening - a thought that brought more warmth to her tummy than she’d initially expected - and even in a moment of mental clarity, she knew that nothing would keep her from seeing him. Surely there was a way to make them see how much this meant to her… how much he meant to her.

“Maybe if I just tell them. They do want what’s best for me, don’t they?" Furry heads nodded in unanimous agreement, which elicited the first real laugh she’d released since fleeing from the young man. "Right. Surely they can’t get too upset with me if I explain I love him. They have hearts, after all, and they couldn’t possibly expect me to be alone forever." Even if her mind had been made up since the moment she laid eyes on the man, she could practically feel the courage rising within her with every single word she spoke. She might have calmed from the physical exertion of running so far, but there was still an energy about her that was unmistakable, from the glittering, dreamy glint in her eyes to the way her cheeks flushed with pure excitement.

And at that, she skipped her way across the creek with her woodland friends close at her feet before twirling and skipping her way back to the woodcutter’s cottage. It was a moment of pure joy, filled with an almost frenetic excitement to spill the good news, and yet Rose had no clue what was waiting for her back home: a birthday cake, an elegant gown, and a whole new identity that would surely shatter the heart that was currently swelling in her chest. What she did know, however, is that this would be the last few moments before her life would forever be changed even if it was far from the manner in which she’d expected it.

Anything else, love?

As much as I love Dianna, I’d like to potentially switch the fc to Elizabeth Lail if possible. I’ve got graphics on my blog for reference, but if you’d prefer me to keep Di as the face I’d be happy to switch back. <3 aaaand per the rules, sad breakfast club!

#waaccept #accepted #disney rp #bio rp #rp #rpg #roleplay #animation rp #city rp #magic rp #school rp

[santonali]

i was tagged by @be-my-jude and @ninetyminutesofsuffering (my polish tumblr suffering fc squad), thank you both!

Rules: Answer these 85 statements and tag 20 people

THE LAST 1. drink: novelle! the mango one, it's a finnish soda it's so good seriously 2. phone call: mum 3. text message: i wanna be cool and say something cool but really it was my father 4. song you listened to: Leaving Earth 5. time you cried: oh a whiiiiiile back idk two weeks ago? 6. dated someone twice: no 7. kissed someone and regretted it: no 8. been cheated on: no 9. lost someone special: definitely yes 10. been depressed: yes but no 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: no

3 FAVOURITE COLOURS 12. black 13. red 14. peach

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU

15. made new friends: no i don't think so actually 16. fallen out of love: no 17. laughed until you cried: yes, of course 18. found out someone was talking about you: nope it's been a pretty chill year 19. met someone who changed you: no 20. found out who your friends are: yes 21. kissed someone on your Facebook list: no

GENERAL: 22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: about 80% of them 23. do you have any pets: no 24. do you want to change your name: i honestly don't know whether i would wanna change my birth name, part of me does, part doesn't but that's fine hahahah 25. what did you do for your last birthday: i was just watching football and eating brownies it wasn't half bad 26. what time did you wake up: today? once at 10am, went back to sleep, woke up just before 2pm 27. what were you doing at midnight last night: i was just on spotify and youtube with viktor 28. name something you can’t wait for: honestly i miss my little brother i wanna see him again 29. when was the last time you saw your mom: in real life it was a week ago but we talked on skype today! 31. what are you listening to right now: Leszek Żukowski 32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: i don't think so but i'm not entirely sure, a tomasz (tom in polish) - yes 33. something that is getting on your nerves: people wanting to buy naby keita for that ridiculous price and people wanting coutinho gone to barca 34. most visited website: youtube definitely but tumblr is a strong number 2 35. hair colour: it's dark brown mixed with black from all that dyeing 36. long or short hair: couldn't care less 37. do you have a crush on someone: nope 38. what do you like about yourself: i like my humour! 39. piercings: none whatsoever 40. blood type: B but idk the Rh type 41. nickname: nah everyone just calls me kellin (although charmaine says she’s gonna call me real nimrod but i’m still waiting) 42. relationship status: single as fuck 43. zodiac: aquarius 44. pronouns: i like they/them the most but honestly at this point in my life it's just whatever 45. favourite tv show: i watch none tbh... i used to watch na sygnale on tvp2 lmao big up 46. tattoos: none and none planned but who knows 47. right or left handed: right handed 48. surgery: i can't think of any 50. sport: nope i'd love to play football but just cba 51. vacation: i've been to the baltic sea and the mountains in poland and at the moment i'm in helsinki, finland 52. pair of trainers: i have those shitty black and white sneakers i wear everyday and extra two pairs somewhere but they're pretty bad too

MORE GENERAL 53. eating: right now nothing but i had an almond magnum about two hours ago 54. drinking: i love love love mint tea, right now nothing 55. I’m about to: see if there's anything on youtube i can watch because i've caught up with all simon's gta videos from today up to a month back (be proud of me charmaine) 56. waiting for: legia to fucking finish fc astana on the second leg because honestly......dude... if they don't.............. 57. want: i wanted to go to the hertha berlin liverpool friendly but couldn't because i'm in finland so kindly don't rub it in my face 58. get married: sure 59. career: no! idea! whatsoever!

WHICH IS BETTER: 60. hugs or kisses: whatever 61. lips or eyes: depends on my mood? generally eyes 62. shorter or taller: doesn't matter 63. older or younger: i tend to cling to people older than me 64. nice arms or nice stomach: arms? 65. hookup or relationship: relationship 66. troublemaker or hesitant: i'm a mix lmao but hesitant is better i guess

HAVE YOU EVER: 67. kissed a stranger: no 68. drank hard liquor: no 69. lost glasses/contact lenses: no 70. turned someone down: sorta 71. sex on the first date: no 73. had your heart broken: in a way yeah, at the time i thought so 74. been arrested: no 75. cried when someone died: yeah 76. fallen for a friend: not really

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 77. yourself: mostly yes! 78. miracles: sometimes 79. love at first sight: idk 80. santa claus: no 81. kiss on the first date: whatever flows your boat but it's a no for me 82. angels: no

OTHER: 84. eye colour: see they're brown mostly but also green idk 85. favourite movie: the lord of the rings return of the king

this was fun but jeeesus it took me so long to do it!

i’m tagging @larsstindl since i already mentioned you twice hahaahsh, @shaneschlong because she’s awesome and @loriskariius21 because her blog is 10/10. feel free to ignore but i’m looking forward to seeing your versions of the tag

#kellin speaks #not football #this was tiring lmao

[vamprefaggot]

91 question tag

ayyee it’s ~alive~

i was tagged by the marvelous @yourlocalspacedyke so hERE WE GO The Last:

1. drink: coffee 2. phone call: ~i never call anyone oops~ 3. text message: friendo to make sure he wasn’t dying of family 4. last song I listened to: thomas’s new song 5. last time I cried: haha funny story i don’t like crying so,,, maybe a year ago?(help)

Have you ever: 6. dated someone twice: pfft nope 7. been cheated on: probably not? 8. kissed someone(and regretted it): ~nope~ 9. lost someone special: not yet but that’s less because people die and more bc i dont give a shit about my family and i have no friends 10. been depressed: i dont think so? like shit idk 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: nope

List three favourite colours:

12. warm grey 13. greyish green? do you know the shade i mean? 14. pastel blue

In the last year have you:

15. nade new friends: yup and they’re all awesome 16. fallen out of love: ~wasn’t in love in the first place~ 17. laughed until you cried: nooo?  18. found out someone was talking about you: idk who would? so that’s gonna be a No 19. met someone who changed you: holy shit @planetninja​ we met in january didn’t we? tHAT WOULD BE A RESOUNDING YES THEN 20. found out who your true friends were: idk probably?

More:

21. kissed someone on your facebook: ew no they’re all straight 22. how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: like all of them? i rarely use facebook so i’m only friends with my former classmates wooo 23. do you have any pets: yes, five cats named Bubba, Ickle, Clara, Moo, and Hobbes. they’re all awful and i love them. 24.  do you want to change your name: nah it’s pretty androgynous and i wouldn’t have the first clue what to change it to 25. what did you do on your last birthday: i think i just opened cool things from my parents and ate cake? 26. what time did you wake up: at six and then at eleven thirty after i fell back asleep 27. what were you doing at midnight: reading a real life book(le gasp) 28. name something you can’t wait for: oooo a wrinkle in time to come out in theatres its one of my absolute favourite books and the preview looks really good 29. when was the last time you saw your mother: she just walked past my room 30. what’s one thing you wish you could change about your life: um? my life is fine i just wish i could help some of my friends who are in abusive situations 31. what are you listening to right now: weedwhackers and this 32. have you ever talked with someone named tom: tf kind of question is this(and no) 33. something that’s getting on your nerves: aforementioned weedwhackers 34. most visited site(s): tumblr and youtube

School:

35. elementary: it was shit and i didn’t learn anything until i left to do half a year of homeschooling in fourth grade 36. middle: learned a lot, had no friends, had a straight relationship(wtf was wrong with me) everyone shipped me with a different dude? middle school was an adventure 37. high: well it’s going pretty well so far, i haven’t been banned from the college store(unlike some people i know), i’m ahead in most of my things? 38. college: ughhh i need to figure out what i’m doing in life first

Me:

39. hair colour: like blondish brown? if i spend time in the sun it goes more blonde but its just brown 40. long or short hair: shorrrttt but it’s getting too long for me wow 41. do you have a crush on someone: pfft no 42. what do you like about yourself: see this is an interesting question bc i do like myself, i’m relatively clever and, while i’m no means beautiful, i’m at least pretty in some sense of the word and i like my appearance, but(and yes i do always go on rants about how fucked up society is) the thing is we’re conditioned to think that liking anything about ourselves is vain and self centred, which is complete bullshit, and blah blah blah you get the gist of my ranting i hate people 43. piercings: just the ears 44. blood type: (x)(i’m kidding but i have no idea) 45. nickname: bean from my parents, blub from my friend(i really like that one ngl), i once called myself garbonzo lord of the hats and that’s now what my best friend calls me help 46. relationship status: single aS ALWAYS 47. zodiac sign: leo? 48. pronouns: ugh i’m using she/her right now but i think imma start using they/them bc i really dont like feminine pronouns but i’m clinging to them bc that’s what i was raised as isn’t that fun 49. favourite tv shows: doctor who, (i would say sherlock but ugh series four), galavant, i’m sure there’s more but i dont really watch tv 50. tattoos: none yet but i fucking love sleeve tats and i want all of them 51. hand: right handed and i was too lazy to type the whole question so

First:

52. surgery: y’know i’m not sure i’ve had one wooo 53. piercing: 10 bc i was in fifth grade 54. sport: a what now 55. vacation: florida, i’m pretty sure? 56. pair of trainers: i have a good memory but not that good wtf

Current:

57. eating: nothing 58. drinking: i need more coffee that’s for sure 59. i’m about to: get food and coffee 60. listening to: (x)

Future:

61. waiting for: more rain hopefully 62. want: to go back to sleep but i’ll settle for ice cream 63. married: i honestly have no idea, maybe? 64. career: maybe nursing but i’m leaning towards tattoo artist

Your type:(my what now)

65. hugs or kisses: idk probably kisses bc i’m not a huge hugger 66. lips or eyes: eyes 67. shorter or taller: i’m holding out for taller bc i’m short and that sounds nice 68. older or younger: idk just close to my own age 69. nice arms or nice stomach: wtf 70. sensitive or loud: idk?? what’s the situation? what does this even mean? 71. hook up or relationship: probably relationship? 72. troublemaker or hesitant: troublemaker?? idk i think i’m hesitant enough on my own 73. kissed a stranger: um? 1. social fucking anxiety 2. why the hell 74. drank hard liquor: lol no 75. lost contacts or glasses: nope i’m pretty damn careful with my glasses(even if i get two pairs every year bc my vision is on a constant decline) 76. turned someone down: you’re implying someone’s asked 77. sex on the first date: haha not in any way shape or form thanks 78. broken someone’s heart: i fucking hope i ripped it out of their chest and stomped on it(no i dont i’m sorry) 79. had your heart broken: noooo?? 80. been arrested: pfft no 81. cried while someone died: no? i dont think so? there was one time we thought my uncle had died(surprise he didn’t) and i could not stop sobbing and that was? years ago? 82. fallen for a friend: shhhhhhyeshhhhhhh

Do you believe in:

83. yourself: in what context bc yes i believe i exist in this dimension right here right now but do you mean like in terms of goals bc? lol no 84. miracles: nope 85. love at first sight: lust, yes, but love? not a snowflake’s chance in hell sugarbeet 86. santa claus: never have 87. kiss on the first date: that’s less of a believe but sure why the hell not 88. angels: lol not unless they’re the eightheaded demon monters described in,, the old testament? maybe? certainly not the white, dressed in flowing white robes and blonde with pure wings bullshit.

Other:

89. current best friends name: josh, @loffelhaxe fIGHT ME YA SHIT 90. eye colour: brown 91. favourite movie: fuck

holy shit i survived that(can you tell where i started to get bitter about halfway through) but thanks again to Charlie, for tagging me, and now i must choose my victims. @killjoys-rejoice, @seapancakephan(i know we haven’t talked but), @nonbinarydivinity, @squishybreams, @loffelhaxe(yes i’m making you do this fight me), @heckinhowell, @thealphafoxwrites, and @planetninja hAVE FUN

#holy fuck it posted #gah that took like an hour and a half #i need more coffee aGAIN #~kona does life~

[theyhaveacavetroll]

Amortentia: Talk about 3 things you love. / Babbling Beverage: what kind of person are you when you’re drunk/hyped up on caffeine? / Cure for Boils: Write about three pet peeves. / Invigoration Draught: how do you wake up in the mornings? / Wolfsbane: What’s the biggest change you’ve experienced in the past year?

aww, thank you friend! and thank you particularly for copy/pasting the questions - clearly you understand what “brain going fzzt” means!

Amortentia: Talk about 3 things you love: I just - really love Tolkien’s works, you know? I remember seeing and reading The Hobbit when I was about 12 or so and just falling in love completely and that never went away. There’s just something about that world that feels right and good and that I just understand better on some level than the one I live in. idk - I think 12-year-old me heard the dwarves’ song and went “welp, guess I’m ruined then.”

I also love music. For someone who gets overstimmed from noise as easily as I do, that’s kind of odd, but it’s true - I’m an absolute snob about harpsichord vs the wrong kind of piano music (Schubert, I’m looking at you, pal). Generally I’m really just all about instruments from before the mid-18th century or so - which of course makes my love for Black Sails all the more fierce because hurdy. fucking. GURDY.

A year ago I probably would have said that I love books and to some degree it’s still true, but honestly I’m starting to wonder if I love books or if I was just a spectacularly lonely child looking for something to cling to and landed on it in the form of books and their worlds full of people I could pretend to be who weren’t lonely or ignored, so... yeah, there’s that. Um - I love pizza? Kind of a lot. Kind of probably too much but man - cheese on bread with delicious tomato sauce in between. With mushrooms. That. Delicious.

Babbling Beverage: what kind of person are you when you’re drunk/hyped up on caffeine? Well, I’ve never actually been drunk. I’ve most definitely been hyped up on caffeine though and I can say categorically that the more caffeine I have, the less friendly I become, probably because that much caffeine tends to go with lack of sleep. I also develop a nice eyelid twitch. I genuinely have no idea what I’m like under normal circumstances having chosen actively to consume too much alcohol or caffeine - although the one time I did get possibly a little tipsy while on vacation recently, it was kind of a gigglefest

Cure for Boils: Write about three pet peeves - oh woof. Um - I live in the US, so there’s... so much opportunity for people to be annoying in little, stupid ways here. Particularly though, I really hate being asked “why are you so quiet? Are you ok?” Yes, I’m ok. No, I don’t feel the need to talk all the time. It’s an irritating question for any introvert. For some reason I hate people leaving the dishwasher door open, and I get kind of peeved when people pile laundry up outside the hamper instead of putting it in, but only if it’s going to block a path to another room. 

Invigoration Draught: how do you wake up in the mornings? - I used to answer this with “badly, with a great deal of grumbling.” I’m getting a lot more sleep these days though, so now the answer is “in stages, with a great deal of rolling over and going back to sleep involved.” Really, though, I usually turn my lamp on, get my chromebook, and scroll tumblr until I’m ready to face leaving my bed.

Wolfsbane: What’s the biggest change you’ve experienced in the past year? This has been a year full of nothing but change for me. In the past year, I’ve changed jobs, I’ve changed towns I work in, I’ve met someone I now consider nothing less than a sister, and I’ve plucked up the courage to go on international travels on my own. it’s funny what happens when you get to the age of 29 and realize that you’ve been miserable for ages and things need to change.

#ask memes #memes #fun stuff #flintrage

[leyvemealone-blog]

2 january 2017

I honestly didn’t know if I should post this on my fitness blog which i haven’t really been using because I’ve been too lazy to take care of myself. But I decided to post it here. God i have a headache. 

Idk how but I ended up in some section of youtube, maybe it was in my suggestions, but I ended up looking at a lot of loose skin videos and it really just brought me down. Loose skin has been a big hindrance to me. No, that’s a lie, I’m a hindrance to me, but loose skin has been something I’ve feared and have hoped I’d never have to deal with. I wonder if having a vegan diet during the weightloss will help me. This chick, High Carb Hanna on youtube ended up not having any loose skin and I think she lost around 70lbs.

fuck i started crying again. I cried earlier while watching the videos. When I see stuff like this, all I can do is think about how I’ve let myself get to this point. How I wish life wasn’t a one chance thing and that I could jump in a time machine and tell myself years ago to stop eating like a fucking pig as a child. 

Honestly. I don’t even know anymore if I’m fat from overeating for from not eating at all. ----takes hr break from writing this to text friend about edibles and vegan food--- When I was reaaaaally young i remember sneaking food and eating a shit ton and my brother troy making pig noises at me and calling me fat, and you know, honestly that could’ve happened one time, but it was so ingrained in me, I’ll never forget it. One summer I guess some of my friends thought that i was anorexic and purging because apparently i had lost a lot of weight, or at least a significant amount, but I don’t even remember losing any weight or anything at that time. I remember being... idk 160 in probably middleschool or early highschool, so still a lot for that age, but not horrible. Then all of a sudden I weigh myself and i’m like... 214?  I honestly have no idea how any of that happened. Idk if i wasn’t eating then or what... I want to know why I have legitimately no memory of a lot of my childhood. What have I blocked out. It honestly scares me. I have such good memory, but even when time was happening, I legit didn’t know how i happened. 

Let me explain better. I want to say it was 5th grade, first day back from summer, and I literally, just all of a sudden... I don’t know how to explain it, but I just had an awakening or something. I came to consciousness. The exact same as when I was probably 2 or 3 and remember feeling my body spirit move and fly into my body. I went down a rabbit hole just now and am now looking at reincarnation lol Before that however, I found a better wording for my experience. I had a moment that I became conscious of my existence. In that moment, as I opened the door to my previous room, I became aware that I was a person, a living entity on this earth. The moment I had in 5th grade as similar but slightly different as it wasn’t me realizing I was alive, but kind of ending a blackout period maybe. Like I read a book that had a lot of pages missing and I got tiny fragments of it. I vividly remember even at that time, not remembering what I had been doing up until that point. 

Back to what I was saying previously. I know that I rarely ate throughout middle school and highschool. Well, at least not until later in the day. I would not have breakfast because sleep is too precious, then most days I would eat nothing for lunch unless friends gave me food or I came upon money and used it to buy lunch. Mom refused to make me lunches once I hit... maybe 6th grade, but definitely 7th and on. Even to this day we don’t have very many ready made foods, and I was very picky as a child, well I still am, but now I know of different foods so I have a large variety of foods I like, just not ones that my mother makes. But because we didn’t have very many ready foods or stuff that was easy to make I tended to just eat... i’m not even sure exactly, probably just chips and cereal and nuts. probably hot dogs lol I feel that during those vital periods of my life, I rarely ate, and when it came to what I ate at home it typically wasn’t healthy. So then my system shut down probably and probably stored all this shit that I have now. 

I’m so afraid of things. 

When you’re fat, you fantasize of what it would be like to be skinny. To have people look at you because of how hot you are, not because of how hefty you are. People want to be your friend from just seeing you and not from having to get to know you. It being so much easier finding clothes. Not having to be embarrassed about eating food in public. Not having to constantly make sure clothes aren’t clinging to you so people don’t see your fat. Not being afraid to wear certain clothing because you’re afraid of how it will affect other people. God I wanna just wear a bathing suit and go swimming. I fucking miss swimming so much. I forgot how much I liked it because I became so attuned to how shitty people are. I’m crying again. There is just so many things you dream about. Then you think about the possibilities. The loose skin. What if you’re still ugly even when you’re skinny. What if it’s too late. What will you do with all the pictures of yourself being fat. What if you still have this skewed perception of yourself after you lose all the weight. What am I going to do? What.