#idk I spent so long hating my life bc I was so unhappy and now I’m ready to find someone who I can share my happiness with

[waynedunlaptheorgandonor]

hey so “find me” dropped on premiere and i just watched it, so you know what that means??

it’s review time!

(super rambly as usual) spoilers under the cut

before i say anything, let me say, IT’S FINE, Y’ALL. as predicted. people are gonna be dramatic bc there are daryl/leah scenes, but like...we been knew? and some of them were rly important caryl-wise. (tbh, the episode was kind of boring and just a set-up for other stuff, lmfao)

okay, review:

opening credits, which i think most of us have already seen, were cute. obvi there was some weird tension with daryl that leads to the coming-to-a-head thing at the end, but their banter is still cute af

they went fishing and daryl’s reaction to carol was adorable, and there’s an important parallel later on, so bookmark this

similarly, there’s an important parallel to carol’s “the dead catch up to us eventually”/daryl’s “i ain’t gonna let it”, so bookmark that, too

dog is the instigator for the flashbacks, so if you wanna blame anyone, blame him. he races to the cabin, which for some reason daryl, who spent five years in this forest, seemed surprised to see? didn’t you literally map out that whole area, my dude? whatever

cue flashback!

i might have the scene order mixed up, but i think it starts with daryl being all sad by himself, and then dog as a puppy shows up and he’s like “!!! a dog!!!” which is v cute, and then he runs back off. we don’t meet leah yet

we see carol and daryl having a conversation while standing on opposite sides of a river for no reason except to probably symbolize distance or maybe covid, lol. the conversation basically goes:

carol: things are different

daryl: yeah

carol: how long are you gonna be out here?

daryl: -shrug emoji-

carol: i get why you’re out here, and i’d join you if things weren’t...

daryl: different

carol: yeah

daryl: yeah. anyway, it’s gonna rain, and also i’m having emotions, so ttyl

the end

at some point we see daryl sitting with an extremely unhappy face while it pours rain on him in the dark, and i want that as a reaction gif IMMEDIATELY 

also the rain destroys his “where in the world is rick grimes?” map, which makes him v upset and scream-y, and we get the idea that he might be going a bit bonkers being all alone looking for a dead (or, ig, kidnapped by helicopter) man

in present day carol finds the note, and is like “oh dunk, she lived here??” so she knew about leah, and daryl’s like, “i already told you everything,” and carol’s like, “no you didn’t,” so we go back to flashbacks (but i’m still not sure what parts carol didn’t already know?? whatever, it’s not that important)

i’m just gonna hit the highlights of the flashbacks bc they were not that thrilling:

first time daryl meets leah the dog leads him to her cabin, and leah ties him to a chair and holds a gun to his head being like, “what are you doing on my land?” bc apparently you can claim whole forests during the apocalypse, and daryl says very little, and eventually she lets him go

next time dog finds daryl and he brings her back and leah is like, “the dog likes you” and they’re kinda flirty, and then daryl says very little and leaves

next time daryl is surrounded by walkers and leah shows up and helps and they hide in a tree and are awkwardly close to each other and daryl cannot handle the close physical contact so when the walkers pass he says very little except to tell her to never come back again, lmfao

the next flashback is my favorite bc daryl just fucking

goes to leah’s cabin and throws a fish at the door???

i laughed for ten years

he throws a fucking fish and then stands there for a minute like “is she gonna notice that i gave her a fish??” like, no, dumbass, you didn’t even knock, you just threw a fucking fish at her fucking door, what is wrong with you??

no wonder it’s taken him and carol so long if he thinks throwing fish at people is a smooth move. boy has NO fucking game

anyway, leah gets him back by finding him and throwing the fish at his head, being like, “wtf, don’t throw fish on my porch?” which, fair, leah

IMPORTANT CARYL PARALLEL (from here on out known as “caryllels”) #1: so earlier i mentioned the carol fish thing, and apparently the same thing happened with leah, where she speared a fish on her first try and daryl was like “tf?” v blatant “we are supposed to be thinking about carol and daryl’s relationship during this scene” sort of thing

leah’s backstory is bland. had a family, they got eaten or disappeared or something. she, her adopted son, and dog’s mom got away, but the kid was bit, and died the same day dog was born, bc ig when god closes one door, he replaces your dead son with a puppy, or however the idiom goes

ONLY PART THAT GOT ME LEGIT EMOTIONAL: 

leah asked daryl who he lost, and he says, “my brother”

asklfdjaslfdjskl

god i miss rick

i hated rick for so long and now i miss him so much

but i digress

IMPORTANT CARYLLEL #2: leah and daryl have the same “the dead get you eventually”/”i ain’t gonna let it” conversation as caryl had earlier, only daryl is playing the role of carol in this scenario, so again we’re supposed to be comparing the two relationships. lemme get through the rest of the summary and then i’ll tell you my opinion on what that means

fuck what even happens next?

i have these out of order bc they were all the fucking same, but the two of them get closer, and there is the vaguest suggestion of sex ever. you literally only see daryl’s hand

then jump-cut to them sitting at the table being emo, ig bc daryl was gonna go back to look for rick for a bit, and leah is like “who do you belong with? your brother you won’t stop looking for? your family that you left? [side note: that seemed rather pointed, like, “hey hoe, you abandoned your family, that was kind of a dick move”] or me?” and he says he doesn’t know, and she’s like “yeah you do, now choose”

jump-cut to caryl scene where carol finds him at the river and says that she won’t be visiting as much, and daryl’s like “k” and they have a brief argument where daryl’s all snippy, like, “what? do you want my permission for you to move on with your life? i’m not still emo about the fact that you’re moving on with your life, and i also don’t think it’s contextually significant that every time you show up in my flashbacks you explicitly mention that you’re married and have a kid,” and carol is like, “bro, you need to Get Your Shit Together and come home”

jump-cut to daryl having what i’m assuming is an epiphany that carol/fam have all moved on while he was out being emo, and so he decides to go be with leah, except, plot twist! she’s gone. the picture of her and her son is gone, but dog is still there. daryl leaves the note, which says, “i belong with you, find me”

for those freaking out about the wording about the note, may i remind you that she specifically asked, “do you belong x, x, or with me?” so he was just answering the question

aaaaaand back to present day

carol is like, “what do you think happened to her?” and daryl is all -shrug emoji-, and then she’s like, “...do you think she might have just...you know...left?” and daryl gets rull offended, which was kind of funny

(she probably just left, bud)

carol tells daryl to stop thinking that when people leave it’s bc of him, and connie’s name gets thrown into the mix, and daryl gets a “oh here we fucking go” look on his face, and it sets him off

he said basically what we were already spoiled for. “you just want to run, you don’t know when to stop, i shouldn’t have taken you off the boat bc you still just want to run” etc

and carol looks fucking HEARTBROKEN, which hurt me, and she goes into the other room and we end the episode with daryl staring forlornly out of the window 

the end

okay

so quick analysis

i think the significance of this episode is supposed to be so we have an understanding of why daryl is suddenly so !teamfamily, and !teamfuture, and how badly he wants carol to be there with him. at one point, one of them even says, “this isn’t about leah, or connie,” or anyone but the two of them. the title “find me” feels significant, bc the whole episode is daryl grappling with where he’s supposed to go, and what his purpose is, and by the end, he says to carol, “i know where i belong,” (implying, with her and the fam), pulling us full-circle. in the first flashback onward he is lost, but by the end he is found -cue amazing grace-

daryl and leah were flirty, but to me it felt very much like something that was just being used as daryl character development. we barely got anything that juicy between the two of them (except the fish throwing thing, that was amazing), and i still don’t think that it would make any sense, regardless of the showrunner, to pair daryl up with some rando after having so many other choices that people would have preferred. i don’t think we’re meant to #endgame ship it, so much as we are supposed to be like, “oh, ok, daryl learned the power of family and stability and leveled up, -you know what that is? growth gif-” as a result, i literally have no idea what leah’s role is gonna be in s11, but i don’t think it’ll be a huge plot point

so now we firmly know where daryl stands. he is all about moving forward, not looking back, and doing the best he can, and he’s frustrated bc when he took carol off the boat he wanted her to be in the same place as him so that they could grow together, but she wasn’t and isn’t there yet

so my guess is that what’s next for carol’s storyline is her reaching that same zen-level daryl’s at

once they’re both there, then they get to ride off into the sunset and make passionate love under the moon casting shadows over the vast desert wasteland 

whew

anyway

tl;dr: idk, episode was fine, if not kinda boring. lots of caryllels. can i go back to writing my vietnam war au now? 

the end

(stay hype, stan kang, and get daryl to call carol sweetheart 2k21),

-diz

#thank god i can move on with my life now #caryl #caryl spoilers #twd s10 spoiler #dunlap tp

[luna-rainbow]

hi! this may be a pretty long ask so I'm sorry in advance and pls ignore me if you want lol, but I saw your recent bucky posts and I just agree so much with what you said, and this "the way bucky's story was mistreated is emotionally draining" i feel that on a spiritual level 😓 I've been trying to talk about bucky's story in tfatws with a friend and she has had to stop me in the middle of ranting to ask if I was ok/suggest we change the subject for a bit because it gets me so upset sometimes and i just feel wrung out trying to make sense of it. when I first watched the show, after it ended i felt so so sad and i didn't understand why. i was sitting there like, it's a happy ending mostly, bucky and sam look happy, so why do i feel heartbroken?? and i really think it's bucky's entire story, and the big gaping hole that is steve and how they try to handle that by not handling it at all and just having people tell bucky to move on or that steve doesn't matter, when it doesn't make sense. even if you only see friendship between them, they were the most important people in each other's lives and steve's part in bucky's life informed who bucky is as a character, as a person. having them just try to basically sweep that under a rug and tell bucky to just move on feels so wrong to me. also, I kind of feel like it's almost framed as a breakup? which is funny bc marvel was so desperate to downplay stucky lol. idk. sorry that's off topic with your posts and I'm just ranting in your ask box now ugh. i just hadn't really seen anyone else on tumblr talking about the problems with bucky's story until i followed you so it's really nice to see other people have some of the same thought processes/feelings about it. so i just wanted to say that I love seeing your perspective, and your metas are amazing and so interesting, I spent all day thinking about the (bio)mechanics of bucky's arm after your arm meta! anyways, I hope you have a good day/night and I'm sorry for the rambling, like I said feel free to ignore this or only respond to the parts you want lol I understand not wanting to go to deep into tfatws stuff and drain yourself 💞

Thanks lovely for the ask. This turned out to be a long answer so I'll also apologise in advance LOL

I have many things I’m unhappy about with Bucky’s depiction in TFATWS, but you’re absolutely right that one of the major gaping holes is the avoidance of mentioning Steve. The series and the MCU is afraid to talk about the particulars of Steve’s absence, because:

a) they will have to acknowledge that what EG!Steve did was actually really shitty because not only did he leave Bucky completely stranded out of time (when he himself spent like 4 movies bemoaning this very sense of alienation), he dumped his burden on Sam without discussing with him, and he also left the Avengers completely leaderless. He is the only unifying force left in the Avengers, yet he just high key bails on all his friends to dance with a girl who he knew would have moved on.

b) they will also have to acknowledge that Bucky and Sam are entitled to feel upset and maybe even annoyed at his decision. I know we get told that Steve and Bucky “already had that talk off screen” but just because Bucky didn’t blast Steve on screen doesn’t mean he’s happy with Steve’s decision. We also never see Sam deal with the aftermath of what Steve chose to do. Sure, the story covers his hesitancy about being "Captain America", but it avoids addressing how Steve's selfish decision, which had massive personal ramifications for Sam, affected what Sam feels about Steve.

c) they will also have to address how his decision was completely OOC, because even if you take Bucky out of the equation, Steve has moved on. He’s had time to move on, he has a found family now, and he has a mission and Steve never walks away from a mission. Other people have written amazing metas on why EG!Steve is not Steve, so I won't rehash it here.

I’m not surprised that MCU put its head between its legs and refused to even touch on that subject because to actually lay it out in the open will not only ruin the image of their golden boy for non-Steve fans (most Steve fans already hate EG!Steve), but it will also have to address the hot pile of crap that EG created.

In a way, because of the way they’ve bungled EG!Steve, I’m actually kind of vindictively glad that Sam told Bucky to stop letting Steve dictate what he believes in. EG!Steve is not worth Bucky’s (or Sam’s) grief or respect. EG!Steve is certainly not the same Steve who broke through 70 years of mental conditioning on 3 separate occasions (okay fine the 3rd time was the helicopter breaking Bucky out but the biceps flex definitely helped).

But had Steve disappeared from their lives in any other manner, both Sam and Bucky deserved to have screen time dedicated to their grief, and not just them trying to manage the traumas of side characters. Steve was everything Bucky had to anchor him to the identity that isn’t the Winter Soldier. Sam gave up everything, including his livelihood and home and family, to support Steve. Legit I’m more upset about how Sam has been left out of this emotional journey than Bucky but I digress.

So yeah, I think my beef(s) with the series isn't that it didn't address the grief, because I think if I had to watch Bucky (or Sam) really mourn Steve's loss I would have HATED EG!Steve just that much more; but the way they've simplified both Bucky's and Sam's complex past experiences into something so...conveniently fixable.

#anti endgame #anon asks #bucky barnes #sam wilson #steve rogers #tfatws critical

[hamonsurveysoverdrive]

Shiny

What was the last thing you spent under five dollars on? A Monster. How many times have you cried in the past week? Once or twice, not over anything major. When was the last time you saw a rainbow? Uh, does on Animal Crossing count? Because that was today lol Have you ever had feelings for someone your best friend was dating? Nope. Have you ever used your cell phone as a light source in the dark? Yes. Is there anything written on the shirt you’re wearing? Nope. Would you rather spend two days in London or a week in Finland? London. Where were you living in 1997? My hometown. How was your first kiss? It was alright. Do you still talk to the person you shared it with? No. Are you the oldest of your siblings? No. What're your initials? AVW. What does that middle initial stand for? Victoria. When was the last time you kissed someone? Last night. Do you regret it? Absolutely not. How long is it until your next birthday and how old will you be? About 7 months. I'll be 33. What was the last song you heard? Idk. Do you have any tattoos? I have ten. How would you react if you found out you were pregnant right now? I would be VERY unhappy. What's your mother’s maiden name? M. How many people do you know with the same first name as you? One, personally. Are you related to a Johanna? No. Have you ever hugged an Eric? Probably. Have you ever ridden in a car with a Brooke? I don't think so. Have you ever kissed a Jesse? No. Have you ever worked with a Heather? Yes. Have you ever dated a Ryan? No, but I hooked up with one. Which of your friends would be most likely to become a stripper? I'm already friends with strippers and ex-strippers. How long has it been since you showered? Yesterday. Where did you or do you go to high school? In my hometown. What's the nearest red object to you? Part of the hamburger bun package next to me on the table. Do you have a birthmark and if so, where? I don't. Who was the last person to let you down? Myself. When was the last time someone gave you flowers? Valentine's Day. Would you ever consider getting back together with an ex? No thankssss. Do you like it when someone takes you by surprise and kisses you? If it's Justin. Can you name a movie that makes you cry? Green Mile. What's your natural hair color? Brown. Do you sleep naked? Rarely. Is smoking a turn-off when it comes to being interested in someone? Nope. Have you ever dated someone who had kids? Yes, but they were my own kids haha What was the last book you read? I'm reading Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix to the boys. Have you kissed someone four or more years older than you? Yes. How about younger? Not 4 years younger, but yes, younger. Were your parents married when you were born? Yes, they got married while my mom was pregnant with me. Were you born before 1990? Yes. Is your hair longer than your shoulders? No. Why did you miss the last call you missed? I ignored it. Have you ever been pulled over twice in one day? No. When you need to vent, who do you turn to? Usually Justin. When was the last time you went to the movies with someone? UGH IT'S BEEN SO LOOOOONG. Are you comfortable in your own skin? Sometimes. Have you ever been told you’re a flirt? Yes. Are there any candles in the room with you? No. Does the last person you kissed have tattoos? Yes. Do you live within twenty miles of where you were born? Yes. Is it after five PM? Not quite. Is there someone you always call or text when you’re drunk? I don't drink anymore. Have you ever been engaged? Yes. Has anyone seen you naked in the last week? Yes. Were you dating anyone in October 2008? No. Where was your current profile picture taken? My room. Is your birthday in April? Nope. Are you a Libra? Nope. If you found twenty dollars, what would you spend it on? Cigarettes, probably. What's your favorite holiday? Fourth of July. Do you believe the saying that experience is the best teacher? Sure. When you’re at home with nothing to do, do you typically find yourself walking around or sitting about randomly wearing different clothing throughout the day, or do you usually stick to one outfit? Usually just one outfit unless the weather changes midday, as it wont to do in Texas. When at home with nothing to do, do you wear socks? No. When at home with nothing to do, do you typically spend your time in bed, on the couch in your living room, sitting in the kitchen or at your desk, or do you go between them all or some other variation? Bed, usually. What're things that you commonly do when you’re bored and can’t go out for whatever reason? Play video or phone games, watch Netflix. Do you watch TV when at home with nothing else to do, or do you spend most of your time reading? Both. What do you usually watch? Whatever I'm currently binging or maybe a couple movies. Depends on my mood. Do you wear socks to bed? No. What do you hate or love about jeans and sweatpants? I like how comfy they are, but there's like 8 months of the year I don't get to wear them bc it's hot af. How and in what situations do you usually wear them? Idfk, jesus. What about underwear? What about them?? What type of underwear do you prefer? Boy-cut. Is daytime television really starting to get to you and if so, why or are you addicted to it? No. You’re at home a lot when you’re not at school or working, aren’t you? Not really. What clothing do you sleep in? Usually just a shirt and undies. Is your bed actually a bed? Yes?? Do you prefer other sleeping arrangements rather than the usual bed and if so, why? No. Is your room a mess constantly and if so, why? Yes, because I'm lazy lol Is your new clothing constantly getting ragged and worn-out during short periods of time and you’re not sure why? Nope. How often do you shower? Every day or every other day. Do you wear a lot of make-up, some make-up or no make-up? Some. What’s your favorite make-up? Eyeshadow and mascara. Could you go out in public without make-up? Yes, but I don't too often. Do you do your nails often? No. What color are your fingernails? There's some tiny pieces of chipped charcoal gray polish lol How about your toenails? Charcoal gray, not chipped, bc for some reason it lasts forever on toenails lol Heels or flats? Flats Eyeliner or mascara? Mascara. Lip gloss or lipstick? Lipstick. Eyelash curler or tweezers? Tweezers. Vans or Converse? Converse. Nike or Adidas? Neither. What color are your socks? I'm not wearing any. What color's your bra? I'm not wearing that either. Are you wearing skinny jeans? No, leggings. Do you think you set or follow trends? Follow, I suppose. Have you ever done something just to fit in? When I was younger. Do you go to the mall often? God no. Do you have many friends? Sure. Do you dislike any of your friends? No. What’s your best friend ever's name? Justin, Kelsi, Krystle. Have you ever had a down moment with that person? Yes. What's your most memorable moment with that person? Idk. Who was your most recent missed call from? An unknown one. Who was the last person you called? My mother. What does your fifth message in your inbox say? My texts aren't done like that. Who was it from? -- Are you single or taken? I'm in a relationship. If you're taken, by who? I'm with Justin. What color are your eyes? Dark brown. What’s your favorite color? Grey. What song are you listening to right now? Whatever is on the computer game my youngest is playing. Do you like to dance? Sometimes. Do you like to sing? Yes. Do you believe in love at first sight? No. How about true love? Yes. Do you believe in bros before hoes? Ugh. Are you a whore? Nope. Are most of your friends guys or girls? It's pretty even. What's your favorite candy? Trolli gummy worms, Reese's. What's your favorite ice cream flavor? Rocky Road. Have you ever cried yourself to sleep? Yes. Have you ever slept on your computer? Probably. What's the longest you’ve used your computer? Idk. What's your favorite smiley? Just the generic ones. Do you edit your profile often? No. Have you ever been in a fist fight? Not really. Do you want to? Nope. Have you ever thought about having sex? I mean, yeah. Have you ever babysat and if so, who? Yeah, lots of kids. Have you ever waited so long for something you wanted to happen so bad? Probably. Have you ever not been yourself to impress someone? In the past, sure. Have you ever done yourself up very pretty with so much make-up and a whole different outfit to make a guy like you? Not to "make" a guy like me, but maybe because I wanted to look pretty for someone. Have you ever betrayed someone? Yes. Water or soda? Water. Coke or Pepsi? Coke. Looking behind you, what’s there? My kids' dresser that I took out of their room five years ago bc they kept jumping off of it, and I just never put it back lol Have you ever been rejected or dumped? Sure. Have you ever thought about what school would be like if someone didn’t go there? No. Do you hate anyone? Nah. What’s your locker number? I don't have a locker. Do you have good hygiene? Yes. Have you ever danced in front of the mirror? Yes. Are you craving something? I'm already snacking on what I was craving, guacamole. If you could have one thing right now, what would it be? That lol Would you rather have ten kids or none? Omg, none lol Is your bed against more than one of your walls? No. What’s on your mind right now? This survey, the episode of Breaking Bad I'm watching, and my snack. Are you there for your friends? Yes. Who was the last person to see you cry? My kids and their dad. What do you do when you get nervous? Fidget. Do you like people in general? No. How old do you think you'll be when you finally have kids? I was 19 with my oldest, 22 with my youngest. Does anyone completely understand you? Sure. Would you be happier if life had a rewind button? No. Do you tell your mom or dad everything? No. Does it matter to you if your boyfriend or girlfriend smokes? It doesn't. Are you going to get hurt anytime soon by someone? I hope not... This time last year, can you remember who you loved? Yes, it's the same person I love now. Do you think more about the past, present or future? Future. How many hours of sleep do you get a night? Not enough at all. Are you easy to get along with? I like to think so. Do you hate the last girl you had a conversation with? No, she's my best friend. What was the last drink that you put in your mouth? Water. What size bed do you have? Queen. Do you start the water before you get in the shower or when you get in? Before, so I can adjust the temp before I get in Do you like the rain? I do, unless it's been raining nonstop, like it is now. Do you think someone's thinking about you right now? Meh. Have you ever been hurt by someone you never thought would hurt you? Yes. Your parents are out of town, so would you throw a massive party? I'm 32. Do you regret a past relationship? Nah. Would you rather spend a Friday night at a concert or a crazy party? Concert. Do you tend to fall for the same type of person over and over? No. What're you doing tomorrow? Hopefully sleeping in late, hanging out with Kelsi at some point. Have you ever fallen asleep on someone? Yes. How has the past week been for you? Not bad, actually. Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to? Yes. What were you doing at midnight last night? Hanging out with Justin, watching Hunter x Hunter. What's your current mood? Good, slightly bored. Who was the first person you talked to today? My kiddos. Will this week be a good one? It's almost over, it's been decent. Did anything happen to you within the past month that made you really happy? Probably. Who were you with last night? Justin. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? No. When's the next time you'll kiss someone? Next time I see Justin, which should be Saturday. Who should start the kiss, the girl or the boy? Jesus. Do you have any plans for the weekend? Hanging out with Kelsi tomorrow, hanging out with Needles, Justin, and Carly on Saturday.

#survey #surveys

[parknoonseob]

Secret Checkmate summs

The English cut out the mature scenes, so the English and Korean chapter numbers don’t match. Ch 11 summary is ch 11 in the Korean raws, but ch 10 in the English. 

Ch 11 summary:

Soo actually gets to see Euns painting up close.

Soo asks himself why Moon still has this art piece. Like most people, Moon must have felt some good will toward Eun if he kept the painting. Moon says he remembers the noise/news surrounding the piece. Moon says Eun was filled with talent and doesn’t know why he did that (ruining the painting). If he had just kept quietly listening to Moon then Moon would have paid more attention and doted on him more. Eun was the student Moon wanted to teach the most. Moon says: It’s quite a shame. I miss those days. When I look at the things Eun left behind at my house, I think about him often.

Soo is surprised to learn about their relationship. Moon said they spent hours talking and it was easier for Eun to sleep at Moon’s house than go home late at night. Eun would spend more time at Moon’s house than his own. But things have changed now and Eun doesn’t respond to Moon’s texts or calls. Soo says isn't it a given that he's ignoring you? You are not as close as you once were to Eun. Moon says… well, i guess so. Soo ends the interview there.. Soo realizes he messed up. He shouldn’t have asked so many personal/emotional questions so early in the interview.

This is Soo’s feelings about Eun/the motivation for his actions- he despises Eun’s rise to the top. Eun’s someone who is praised by accomplished and influential people, which makes E. If Soo cant manage to catch Eun and match Euns level, Soo will drag Eun down to his level.

He’s back at his office. His sunbae can tell Soo didn’t get any good info from the interview. “The moment you get tired is the moment the game ends. Keep pestering. Reporters don’t stop. If you do, the thing you want will be in your hands. The deadlier person is the one who wins.” Soo thought he was deadly, but apparently not. “How much more of a crazy boi do I have to be for you to fall into my hands?”

Eun is on the phone with a likely current pupil of Moon’s. The friend says they hate their situation, but can’t do anything about it because Moon will make them successful if they do as Moon says.

The person on the phone:  It’s better than losing Moon’s favor and my path forward being blocked. Are you doing well now that you ran from Moon? Your source of income got cut off, they’re accusing you of being a thief, all this makes it hard for you to return/make a comeback. I don’t want to live like you. You can do plenty of other things besides painting, Me, not so much. Don’t think badly of me. I just can’t afford to help you. It isn’t just me, everyone is tired.

Eun gets annoyed and sarcastically (?) says that he wishes the person the best.

Ch 12 summary:

Soo is at the door. Eun says you’re at another man’s house fully knowing what he’ll do to you, but then tells him to leave because Eun isn’t in the mood to talk to Soo. Soo keeps ringing the bell and Eun gives in. Eun asks if Soo is there to finally make a mess of him (sekshually). Soo is being kinda docile (?) which is unlike him and throwing Eun off. Soo repeats what he learned from his interview with Moon, that they were once close, but Eun threw it all away. He says Eun is incredible for throwing away a sure thing. Eun asks if that’s anything to praise. Being doted on by an old man made his skin crawl. Soo asks if Eun also has bruises on his body like the other pupils do. Eun says it’s been a long time since he left and that his body is perfectly free of marks. Eun has had enough of the boring talk and wants Soo to make a mess of him (again, sekshually).  Soo is suspicious of Eun rapidly changing the subject. Soo says if he goes inside, Eun will immediately lay Soo on his bed. Eun tells him to learn from Eun. Soo says he has no intentions of learning anything from Eun. Eun says if it’s a shame bc he likes Soo’s face, but if he isn’t there for anything (sex) then they have nothing to talk about and slams the door. Soo shoves his hand in before the door closes and yells at him to open the door now!

Ch 13 summary:

Eun looks nauseous and Soo asks if he’s ok. Eun yells at Soo for being reckless and tells him to write what he wants and leave him alone. Soo comes over countless times and Eun’s supposed to tolerate it? He accuses Moon of sending Soo to Eun to provoke him, drive him insane and deliver Eun to Moon. Soo asks if he’s so upset bc Moon did something similar to him (injure him) and Eun says no. Eun drags Soo inside and shoves him onto his bed and takes off his shirt. Eun wants to end things right now. Eun says Soo can do whatever he wants. Soo can play with him and throw him away. Soo is surprised to hear that. Throw Eun away? He doesn’t want to do that. He says he can help with the thing Eun wants most- cutting off all ties/connections to Moon.

Ch 14 summary:

Eun says that isn’t a subject for Soo to go near and asks if it’s that hard to end whatever Soo and Eun have right then. Soo thinks it would be a shame to end it and refuses to give in to Eun. Eun unbuttons Soo’s shirt and tells him over and over to have sex with him and gets angry at Soo when Soo keeps refusing. Eun looks at Soo with a pained look on his face and Soo revels in it. Eun compares Soo to all the other people in his life, who use him to get what they want and even if he gives them everything, they’ll complain that he should give them more. Only when Eun is finally unhappy will they stop demanding things from him. They say Eun has it all, but where is the person who has everything, Eun asks.

Soo knows that there are plenty of people just like him, people who hound Eun to get what they want and they do it because it’s Eun.

Ofc Soo doesn’t want to tell Eun this and just says they must have some good reason for their actions, but Eun wants to hear none of that. Eun is visibly upset as he asks Soo if he has some good reason for hounding him too. Seeing this side of Eun turns Soo on. Soo never imagined he would get hard from seeing Eun without that care-free expression on his face.

Soo is turned on from seeing this different side to Eun. Soo says there’s one thing he wants from Eun: Eun’s when where how and what. Soo will decide all of it (basically dictate what he can do). Even if Moon gives Soo 100k$, Soo won’t give in to Moon. Eun says Soo isn’t an ordinary psycho, he’s an [advanced psycho]. Soo then says if Eun knows his response to Soo’s request, he should come over and blow him lol

Chapter 15 summary:

Soo says if Eun turns down his offer, he’ll go right to Moon. Eun figures that Soo’s kink is seeing Eun cry while Eun is blowing Soo, but Eun’s preference is the opposite. Soo wants Eun to be submissive, but Eun won’t let Soo have that. Soo says if he tells Eun to do something, then he should just do it. Soo pulls Eun’s arm, shoves Eun’s face into Soo’s crotch and tells Eun to blow him. Eun does a terrible job and bites Soo’s dick on purpose, which makes Soo ask if they should disregard the deal and let Eun keep being toyed with by Moon. Eun sucks harder. Then it’s Eun and Soo going back and forth about the deal. Eun eventually relents and agrees to the terms, but in return there can’t be any records for anyone to find.

Eun gets a creepo message from an unnamed person, saying there are students at the university that remind the unknown person of Eun, but Eun is one of a kind. The person continues on, writing that they miss Eun’s body and asks Eun to contact them again.

Eun says the most important part of the deal is Soo being undeniably on Eun’s side. Soo needs to prove it by telling Eun about the intimate details of his life (awink wink). Soo then asks Eun if he wants Soo to take nudes. Soo’s already used to being naked in front of Eun so no biggie. Eun didn’t mean it that way. He wants Soo to wear his glasses instead of contacts the next time they meet. He knows wearing contacts all the time must be uncomfortable for Soo and asks Soo to wear his glasses when they next meet. It’ll be just like the old times.

Ch 16 summary:

Soo wonders if Eun knew they went to the same high school from the start but was acting dumb, and him bringing it up now is Eun looking down on Soo again.

Soo starts biting his nails as he rattles off the things that come to mind: how Soo was only focused on his grades, how Eun remembering who Soo is surprised him, and why Eun didn’t mention it earlier. Despite not knowing the exact reason why, Soo agrees to wear the glasses. Eun tells Soo not to bite his nails anymore bc of his injured hand and Soo tells Eun not to touch him. Eun doesn’t know why Soo is being so pricky and asks if he wants to have sex. Soo asks why Eun is always so horny and Eun tells Soo that it’s because he knows Soo hates it. Soo wants to understand the reasons behind Eun’s actions and tries to pry more, asking if Eun slept with Kim Seojoon too. Seojoon being the guy over at Eun’s house in ch 8. Soo demands to know why Eun is doing this to him, asking if Eun sees him as some toy. Eun only replies that he finds Soo’s hatred of Eun very cute and starts fingering Soo. Soo once again threatens to throw Eun to Moon if Eun doesn’t listen to Soo. Eun gives in and agrees to do as Soo tells him to do, under one condition: Soo is to write an article stating Eun is ready to make his (re)entry into the art world.

Moon has an unknown man on his bed, the man’s hands and mouth tied with tape (tied with? idk) and a vibrator inside him. Moon stares at his phone, reading the article about Eun’s potential return with curiosity and excitement.

#secret #eyebrows

[fayn3ko]

My interpretations on the new Rammstein album

Alrighty, I think such ‘here’s my opinion how much I liked this and not’ are boring so I’m just gonna write what I think of and read out of the songs. I let out Deutschland and Radio cuz y’all know about them, I guess. Idk even if anybody is interested in this but here we go

Weit weg (far away) - one of my faves

On the first sight it seems to be kind of a love song because till sings about two people - a man watching a women undress and seeing her naked. Actually, it’s about Voyeurism. He is standing at her window, presses his face against the glass, there’s no interactions between them and she is the 'queen of his fantasies’. 'Ganz nah - weit, weit weg von mir’ (really close - far, far away from me) - he is incredible close to her and sees intimate moments, but he isn’t supposed to, they probably don’t even know each other. So, actually, emotionally they are far away from each other.

Diamant (diamond) - only sad song, big fave

Kind of a love song, Till is mostly singing about how beautiful the other person is, how bright her eyes shine, “how clear and pure” she is. It already sounds like as if he were in mad love with her, but he also wants her to finally 'let him go’, he wants to leave tho she is so marvelous 'like a diamond, but also just a stone’. He tried to reach her heart but wants to 'love someone who is able to hate’ - is she too perfect? Are they even together, or is it just him who struggles to let his love for her go? Maybe she doesn’t feel anything, doesn’t have anything except her beauty and is cold-hearted, diamonds “are just stones”.

Zeig dich (show yourself) - a fave, its really nice

Obviously a song about the church, unlike Hallelujah (which is about the child abuse of priests) this one is about the church in general. Most of the text are enumerations,“[they] do crime … forgiveness of all crimes, burn, … tracking, … accidentally abuse children” (Irony, damn that’s fore sure provocating) always ending with 'in the name of god’ which describes the long history, mostly the negative aspects and how the church allowed themself to do anything if they say they do it in gods will - a lot of people believed that. The dramatic choir underlines how much power the church had and how often it abused its power. 'Show yourself … we lose the light’ - religion gives humans hope and something to believe in, exploited by the church, but all these things are hidden behind a mask.

Puppe (doll (sometimes also puppet, toy)) - probs most interesting one

The protagonist is a child, who got a doll as a gif from his sister (he calls her 'Schwesterlein’ so he is probably way younger?). Her workplace is in the room next to his, he sees men coming there, 'sometimes it’s even two [men]’ - she is a prostitute. While she works, he is looking at the sky, taking his medicaments [like a good boy] - so he must be sick in some way. Since he 'rips off the head of the doll, bites off the neck of the doll’ and sings 'I really don’t feel good’ it’s probably something mental. Later, he watches through the keyhole how his sister gets beaten to death, he continues ripping of the head and biting off the neck but now 'he feels finally good’. No parents are mentioned, so the sister seems to be the only relative, probably being responsible for him and buying him the medicaments (one of the only details we get so they have to me important in some way). Maybe he didn’t like her and he imagined the doll is her? Being unhappy because she is still alive and after she got killed, finally being happy? Maybe, he is happy that he won’t need to take medicaments anymore, he looked the whole day outta the window and seemed to do nothing, bc the meds blocked him)

Was ich liebe (literally 'what I love’, in this context, “the things I love”) great song

Fans who heard through some demos should know this one because it’s the demo of Pussy. They used the very different lyrics and refreshed them (changed the 'will die’ to 'will verderben’) , making them into a song about a person which doesn’t want to be happy, doesn’t want to enjoy and doesn’t want to love. A lover of him will 'verderben’ - it’s a prediction, he doesn’t even think it just 'could’ happen, it will happen. He will be unlucky at some point and suffer, 'in luck is also ubglück’, he fears to be hurt so much that his lover 'must’ verderben. Though, he still talks about a lover, so next to this fear, he still does and wants to be happy, enjoy and to love.

Tattoo (tattoo) - I like the music and singing but the topic is boring to me

Pretty simply, it’s about tattoos. He compares paper with his skin and describes noticeably often the pain “when the pain hugs the flesh…” you feel while getting one and how much he likes them on his skin. ‘Show me yours [and[ I’ll show you mine’ it sounds more like a demand as if it were something intimate. Also, after gettin the name of the lover tattooed - in case that the partner would end the relationship - he would prefer to find another partner with the same name instead of erasing the tattoo. He’s just crazy for tattoos.

Hallomann (is norwegian and a word for moderator or similiar) - pretty good?

It sounds kinda as if he would like to spend his time with a little girl. He’s telling a her to “just get in” and to “dance for him” but he doesn’t want her to speak. They go together to the sea, he buys stuff for her. ‘You are alone’ - the girl is alone, maybe she was walking around alone? - and he is ‘all alone’, this sounds more like on an emotional base, being lonely. Not sure of in a romantic or a platonic way. After the dancing  would come the Hallomann to her - I really don’t see the connection. Later they sunbath, do something with skin and sand. She has to ‘give her word’, take his hand and afterwards it won’t be the same. ‘Perl on the ring’ - a wedding ring? I’m not even sure if the person himself is an adult or maybe just a boy. In the end he says ‘don’t ask for the meaning’, maybe he just wanted to spent a nice day with her. It got some pedophile vibes at the first sight but nothing really indicates it. Maybe I just don’t see the methaphors lol okay everybody says it's about a pedophile and I guess;; he used phrases pedophiles often use

Ausländer (foreigner) - sounds like Schlager Urgh [german trigger] but good

Simply just a Gigolo jumping from one bed to another and fucking his way through the whole world. He doesn’t even “stay over night, just for 1 or 2 hours.” Anyways, it’s practical to speak many languages so he can talk with the foreign women. In that way he tells us that he’s good in these and speaks a lot, but the last sentence means something like ‘you coming with [me], I’m you doing goodd’ which is pretty bad in grammar but it’s enough to let her know what he wants.

Sex (sex) - love the melody and riffs, really good one

Uhm also pretty much just about sex? Sex without feelings tho. He ‘gets sick when he looks at you’ - it’s really just about the act - ‘mine is yours and that in you’. This is underlined by ‘better slovenly than again not’, he probably put the ‘again’ before the ‘not’ to let it stand out, again, so they already did it at least a couple of times, or better said, didn’t do it. Maybe they are in a relationship? But he can’t look at her anymore, he just wants her body for sex - and only the important parts. The contrast to that is the refrain, ‘We live only once, we love the life, we love the love, we love sex.’ The last sentence is ‘We live because … sex.’ So, he sings often they love the life and in the end it’s they only live for sex =  they love just the sex.

#i could go deeper into the material but oof who even wants that lmao #some songs confuse me anyway #rammstein #personal #song interpretation #r+ #if you see grammar mistakes just eat em i didnt watch it too much to b correct everywhere #if theres anything strange or in german just at me bc i dont see it then

[softbutchenergy]

kelly’s actual extended wishlist (≖ᴗ≖✿)

if any of these sound appealing to u, either like this post or slide in my messages and we can plot something out!! i rp on discord and on tumblr, and am down for about anything so -- here we gooo!

faces i want to play

nat wolff

alex wolff

camila cabello

normani kordei

hailee steinfeld

amandla stenberg 

laura harrier

eileen kelly

lily rose depp

alisha boe

shawn mendes

timothee chalamet

lily collins

kiersey clemmons

any skam fcs !!!

plots & ships i’m dying for are under the cut !!!

ships i need

camila cabello x any female fc

amandla x nick robinson

lily rose depp x timothee chalamet

eileen kelly x nick robinson

amandla x any female fc

camila x normani

camila x lauren

shawn mendes x camila cabello

shawn mendes x alisha boe

king princess x amandla 

nat wolff x anyone

alex wolff x anyone lol

josefine frida pettersen x lisa teige

henrik holm x tarjei sandvik moe

taissa farmiga x evan peters

naomi scott x bridgit mendler

madelaine petsch x camila mendes

plots ( a lot of the og posts for these are from deactivated blogs so imma just copy and paste some !! )

anything angsty that will hurt the both of us

road trips !!!

something based off i don’t smoke and i bet on losing dogs by mitski

a star is born kinda plot (but also based off chesapeke by better oblivion community center)

anything based off stuck in love

anything based off of any ship in skam, parks and rec, how i met your mother, new girl, or girls :’)

single mother/father plots <3

this small town girl who lives in a small ass town by the sea and who has basically never set foot outside the town but who loves it there bc she loves the sea more than anything else and she honestly doesn’t know a lot about the outside world but she really doesn’t seem to care and then comes in the big city boy who has spent his entire life downtown and who absolutely hates nature and who spends most of his time listening to underground music and thinking that he’s cool bc he reads obscure books but then his parents catch him partying too much and doing drugs a couple of times so they ship him off to his “crazy” aunt’s house which happens to be in the small town that the girl lives in. and at first he kind of tries himself with the girl bc he’s bored and he plans on getting out of that hole as soon as possible but  she rejects him and that’s the first time that it happens to him and he gets rlly insulted so the two of them start bickering and arguing and fighting all the time and maybe at one point that turns into some kind of romance/friendship in which the girl shows the boy to appreciate the sea and the boy shows the girl a bit of the outside world 

I NEED A PLOT WHERE MUSE A AND MUSE B HAD BEEN DATING FOR LIKE 3 YEARS AND IT WAS REALLY HELLA SERIOUS BUT ONE DAY MUSE A JUST UP AND LEAVES BECAUSE SHE GETS SCARED OF THE COMMITMENT AND ALL OF THAT AND THEN LIKE THREE MONTHS AFTER SHE BROKE UP WITH HIM IT’S POURING DOWN RAIN AND SHE SHOWS UP AT HIS DOOR STEP COMPLETELY SOAKED TO THE BONE AND SHIVERING AND SHE’S PROBABLY GOING TO GET A COLD AND SHE’S ALL “I DIDN’T KNOW WHERE ELSE TO GO” IDK ??? LIKE THIS IF YOU WANNA DO IT 

please an arranged marriage between two socilaite families/ big names in their city. but like she’s still stuck in the party stage and fucking up because she’s upset with her parents or unhappy with her life and he’s dealing with a lot of pressure and stress from his family to take over the family bussiness and it’s just two polar opposites but it could be super cute sometimes when she gets super drunk and he picks her up and hold her hair back when he throws up and stays up to give her a glass of water and make sure she sleeps well even though he has a huge meeting in the morning that he should be resting for. but also the angST and the fights and the ‘i didnt ask for this’ and making each other jealous and sexual tension

gimme a plot where … basically, muse ais this corrupted soul, always drinking too much, getting too high, they can barely function and muse b is basically their saving grace, always coming through in the middle of the night after a drunken phone call asking for a ride home. and muse b only does this because they’re agood person at heart, but they can’t deny that muse a’s actions actually disgusts them. but they’ve known each other for too long and muse b always promised they’d never let muse a down, because they know they’re the only thing that’s STABLE in their life. and this has become their routine, muse a texting/calling muse b when something goes wrong and muse b coming around to rescue them. there’s not much to their friendship beside that, these days, because muse a doesn’t really acknowledge them otherwise. andmuse b just settles with the fact that they’re being used, but they can’t bear to leave muse a alone, knowing that they probably wouldn’t survive without them … but then ONE NIGHT, when muse b is carrying muse a into bed, tucking them in like they usually do and they’re about ready to say goodnight until muse a, who is completely out of their mind intoxicated, mumbles somethingbarely audible that sounds a lot like ‘i love you.’ muse b thinks to brush it off, until muse a continues professing all these FEELINGS like ‘i really fucking love you, please, don’t leave me tonight’ and muse b is just STUCK. because muse a is so bad for them but muse b is the only good thing in their life … so they stay. 

i need a college plot. i need muse a, a shy but openly gay painter in his first year. i need muse b, a soccer star who is “definitely straight” in his third year. i need muse a to ask muse b out on a date and muse b accepts because he’s dared to by his team. its awkward and its tense because muse a is fumbling over his words and saying the wrong things. i need muse b to walk him back to his apartment and muse a kisses him and its hot and rough, completely unexpected and they have sex and its very awkward because muse b is dominant but has no idea what to do. and i need muse b to use muse a for sex because he definitely is 100% straight but muse a is a good fuck. i need muse b to start falling for muse a. i need muse b to get scared and defensive, now playing part in the bullying that the soccer team has been doing against muse a. i need muse b to just honestly be a really shitty person but muse a to love him through all of that.

okay but… give me an f/f plot where muse a is a hopeless romantic with a long term boyfriend and her best friend since childhood, muse b, is a closeted lesbian who has had a thing for muse a for as long as she can remember however, as of recently a has been pretty negligent towards b and hanging out with her boyfriend instead. so, to repay b – muse a plans out a road trip, full of cheesy pit stops, road side attractions and sketchy motels, spanning over the entire summer. being in the car with each other for that long with each other means petty little arguments about how much time a has been spending with her boyfriend and/or weird sexual tension. ++ late nights at shifty bars and motel rooms getting wine drunk = make out sessions the two pretend to forget by the next morning. lots of angst from muse a’s side since she has a boyfriend she’s been with for years and angst from muse b’s side because she has to listen to the girl she’s had feelings for forever talk about her boyfriend the entire trip…. YES!!!

#1x1 #1x1 rp #rp #indie rp #okay i took a fat ass nap earlier and dont have work tomorrow so i am about to be up all night come entertain me lets Plot

[myapogee]

therapy is expensive but tumblr read mores are free. (not that i want anyone to therapy me, i just need to vent)

at dinner i was like very obviously Not Good so my mom asked me about it and i sorta hummed and hahhed until saying how i just really hate my job and wanna quit and later this month i’m gonna talk to my boss about that to see if we cant find a way to make me Hate My Job Less

and my sister came in at some point, missing part of the convo, and was like “well if you’re going to quit, you need to start looking for work before then” and my mom’s all like, “yeah put your resume on linked in or indeed, etc”

and like. i told them i wasnt gonna quit for awhile, i’ll just let my boss know i’m unhappy and have a few months to work thru it and try to get happier and if that fails THEN i will quit.

but the reason i said that is because i dont wanna tell them my real back up plan which is “actually i dont wanna live at all, so if i quit or get fired i’ll probably just kill myself” bc that is not good etiquette to mention at the dinner table

idk i feel like. like when i was younger i was at a point where i was like “i want to die, but so does everyone else, so i guess i’ll keep living because they somehow do”. and then i learned i was wrong so i went into “i want to want to live, so i’m gonna make the most of what i have, now that i know wanting to die isn’t normal”. 

and now im just. like. fucking exhausted from trying that hard. i want to die, and i recognize that a certain amount of other people do too, and many of those other people either Actually Just Die or they get help or something i dont fucking know how the other ones get thru that tbh bc if i did i wouldnt be where i am. 

what if i just. spent my week off from work putting all my things into boxes. like drawings that i dont want my family to see into the recycling or a box labeled “please burn this if you respected me at all”. put some women’s clothes into a box labeled “never been worn: donate to good will”. etc etc. and then just. i dont fucking know man. i googled some stuff about overdosing on pills and google was like “here’s the suicide prevention hotline number”. thanks google, ya mean well. 

everyday just kinda sucks. and then if one thing goes a little wrong i spend the remainder wanting to die. and there are good moments. there are funny youtube videos. there are good tv shows. there are games of cards against humanity with my family and of D&D type games with online friends. there’s stuff that brings me joy. but its like. guess its fucking selfish of me to say but it’s... not enough? 

the biggest thing is almost def my job. and if i enjoyed it more, things would probably be better. so i should quit and find a new one. thats just. easier said than done.i wish my job could go back to being what it used to be. but things changed like a year ago or maybe two years now idfk time is an illusion. and its just. been shit ever since. 

i’ve started learning portuguese more seriously. been doing the few minutes a day on a couple different apps. i think. my ideal existence. would be moving out to my grandmother’s home in portugal, living alone now that they’ve moved on. it’s lovely there year round, so i get my exercise walking to the lil convenience store, getting some things to eat and bake with, having bread delivered by the bread truck to my home every day. the house is paid for, so all i have are utilities and food. which i pay for thru commissions online. maybe some sore of artwork with the local people. there’s land, and anyone who wants it can do with it what they will but all i ask is if they grow any food i get a little now and then. i get to be a hermit, but i’ll help out my neighbors now and then, and i know they’ll help me too. it’s a community, but with its share of isolation, and without the obligations i feel here. i grow old, having lived my own life on my own time. eventually, i’m found dead there, by a curious neighbor who didn’t care quite enough to find me before it was too late. but it wasn’t suicide. just age and the problems that come with it. but i’ve lived with minimal capitalism, with few to no family or friends or pets. there’s solace, silence, and peace. i have lived life, and can leave it without worry.

... that wont happen though. as long as my parents are alive, i am bound to them, and if i did manage to leave this house and go anywhere at all never mind portugal i dont think i would be free of the worry over them. familial obligation, holidays, etc. i can’t live without worry while i’m avoiding them and feeling guilty about it. but i can’t live as myself without worry while i’m still shackled to them too. if i stay alive, i’ll be in limbo for years as they grow older and i need to help take care of them or find people/places that can take care of them for me but that i need to pay for. etc etc. there’s so much. responsibility in this world. that i never asked for. god i just wish i was never born, really. it’s amazing to me now that anyone can have kids. like raise orphans or whatever sure. but to actually birth a child into this existence, knowing how terrible the world is? why would you choose to put someone through that? why force them to experience this, it’s dreadful. 

this. okay that latest paragraph, i wanna be clear, i 100% am not ever gonna kill someone. like i’m not gonna hurt my parents so i can live free or whatever, and i’m not saying taking someone out of this life is better than bringing them into it, etc. i’m suicidal sure but i’m not a fucking asshole.

anyways.

pls don’t... fucking reply to this in any way or even acknowledge it. i know it all already okay? the pandemic has brought people down. capitalism brings people down. the fucking winter and its holidays bring people down. i know. 

its just. a painful cycle to be in. and i really think. there’s only one way to break it. and we’re all gonna die eventually so it’s just. how long do i have to feel like shit. before i’ve earned freedom from feeling anything at all. why push back the inevitable. when it would benefit me so much to fucking embrace it.

#just actually dont read this at all if you dont wanna get bummed i guess #there's like suicide mention n stuff bc its me

[hankeliza]

Hate to be cliche, but here goes.

This decade has been some shit. 2010. Best year of my life. I’m 17, I have my soul mate and best friend every single day of my life. No bills and making way too much money. I got the love of my life, Rome. I am so cool in my mind and just life was fucking GREAT. I met corbin that year and I was legit in absolute bliss.

Feb 2012 my best friend moves to fl and that was so great but I am in absolute shambles. I am lost I am unhappy. This is where it all goes wrong and only now, 8 years later do I realize the codependency issues I had with jenna. I fucking loved that chick from the depths of my goddamn soul, we could speak and make decisions and plans with just locking eyes for a blink of a second. So bc I am sad, lost and unable to make sense of my selfish and immature feelings, I take it out on her and a whole slough of klonopin. Corbin and I are doing bad and this is when it should’ve ended.

April 2012 (hah time is funny af) I do some shady shit, but not to the magnitude it was portrayed. Life moves on and I get back with corbin. This is my new person to rely on. I need him bc he stuck thru it with me and gained my whole hearted trust that he loves me, even when ugly and I love him through all of his ugly. We are ugly and we are in love and nothing in the world matters to me anymore besides him.

Oct 2012 I finally am ready to move outta stc. But corbins with me. I beg and beg and beg to please go to Tampa but nah, we go to Miami. It’ll be easier, Adam will take us in. He still is this big mature, always with it guy, I don’t know him, that’s why. We get there, nothing much to even talk about. Great times but eh. Leavin it at that. Shit happens and we get out of dodge like some fuckin thief’s in the night. Drive two days to portland. I won’t get into all the beautiful shit I saw bc that’ll take too long but, here we are.

I live with a naked hippie that is actually psychotic and oh, later on turns out she’s making us pay for a house SHE IS SQUATTING IN. But anyway, things happened (again adam) and we move to the city city. Won’t even get in to the shit that transpired there, but now I’m moving back home.

Feb 2013 (wow really seeing some timelines matching up of my most unpleasant times of my life?!¿¡) so I’m back home. I don’t sleep, I don’t eat. I think I weighed 110 while standing 5’8. My dads on parole, only time I see sunlight is when he needs to meet with his PO. Nicole nurtures me and literally does everything in her power to make me be better, but I am not ready to feel happiness or bond with any other human. I am not ready to move on or up or out. I am stuck. Corbin moves home. Ahhh yes. My safety blanket is back and I can be happy again (hahahah)

So in the meantime while I was sad Nicole and I are partying, late nights to meijer and rite aid, getting high and snacks and shit is just fucking awesome. She meets the love of her life and he takes her and even me in to his whole friend crowd and I am HAPPY and feel bliss again. I have friends? Imagine that. They fall madly in love and then heh, they move. Well shit. Now mind you I have totally capability to see them whenever I please bc Nicole is an open door policy. But truly I’m lazy, I like convenience and still wrapped up in my own stupid bitchass, (that I can now see, but then couldn’t) and it’s back to corbin and I.

So now it’s getting close to end of 2013 and all I pretty much do is spend every waking moment with corbin. I don’t mean to make that sound so awful, then I loved it. Now, it’s all so bleak.

2014 hits. I’m in and out of jobs. Corbin and I live off of pop can returns. I’m still 21 so like, none of that mattered and I didn’t care about a future. He gets a job and I finally get into the courthouse. We start doing ~molly~ heavy. Locking ourselves in a bedroom from Friday-Sunday. Every weekend. When you hear “ecstasy/drugs ruined my sex life” from older people, you don’t really know what to make of that. When I tell you drugs ruined our sex life and our likeness for each other, now I fucking get it. I stopped smoking weed 24/7 bc I was paranoid of losing my job. Not much more to that year or 2015 than chemical pills and being locked in a room and outdoor adventures with my dog.

2016, I finally convince corbin to {for the love of god} attempt to get his license back (which he did, and then ruined again, but that comes later) so we’re really making moves, honestly for us we were doing shit. We had a marker board calendar AND meeting our goals/deadlines !!! His dad gets oxys, and we’ve been borrowing his Vicodin for idk, a year or 3 at this point. This is kinda when things get fuzzy. But oxys come and got damn do they feel good. But only recreational. It wasn’t serious then.

Corbin gets prescribed adderall. Not much more we need to dive in to with that jazz but oxys and addies were all we ate until about the end of 2017. Pills are gone. Let’s fucking driiiiink.

2018

So I developed an alcohol issue at this point. Still battling it to this day. But I don’t really remember much. Did some cool shit, went to Europe. Met a girl that I’ve never loved kissing more. She was nuts. I moved out of our apartment we got together and back home, re-up w/ Rickey, we have fun. He cheats on me with the girl he got pregnant and neglected (they’re engaged now, congrats guys) I’m completely broken and alone because at this point i have managed to push every waking soul away from me and experience the weirdest fucking shit ever that I can only explain as spiritual, or maybe it was satanic. It burned and hurt and scared the ballsacks out of me. Can’t kill your self if you’re a pussy, turns out.

I spent this whole year trying to find friends, wrong crowd. I developed a relationship with a coworker who still to this day has my heart and soul and I love him and will always hope the best. He is the greatest comfort I had but it was only ever from 5pm - until we finished having drinks and sex and then back to being alone. I even confessed my confused love for him and he set me straight. He showed me more about being strong than anyone ever. I love you D.

The end of September I finally meet up with a dude I can’t take my damn eyeballs off for years. I finally mustered up the courage after making excuses for about 2 weeks why I couldnt meet up with him. So I come over. It’s raining so hard. I couldn’t find his house. I just wanted the god damn dick, and go home. He didn’t let that happen.

We see one another mainly every single day except Wednesday’s because he has plans that day every week. I tried my hardest to ghost him multiple times but he didn’t let that happen either. We are both drinking a lot because we are both sad but our company really really reaaaally made up for the sadness. He is the funniest person I’ve ever met and I think he thought that about me too.

November 21st comes and he is being weird and I am constantly nervous around him so I get weird bc I think I did something or he’s gonna tell me to go home, I didn’t know. He finally says he wants to be my man, like full time man. I have a bf? I don’t want one but something about you is fckin freaky you beautiful boy. Everything is coming together.

And here we go: December 21. 1 month is all it took to mess it up.

Leaving my work party, ironically after getting all of my drinks bought for me :) , I go to jail. Jail was not as bad as I expected. I was a good criminal so I got to sit in a different room w/ a tv until shift change. Oh and ! my high school classmate was a worker there so that was neat ! (jesuschrist) anyway; dont have Laynes number memorized, my family and I just watched my grandpa die, gasping for air 10 day prior. Can’t call my mom. Scared to call my dad (who was the nicest of anyone) soooooo corbin it is. I dealt with his jail problems time after time so, his turn I guess.

Welp it’s 2019. Not much to say. Layne stuck through all of it with me and I have no fucking clue why. Got a therapist. Stopped drinking whiskey completely. Bought a vacuum and couch. Live with my way too supportive boyfriend. My family fucking loves him. I am .... growing ? stronger ? mentally ? as every day passes ? because of him ? He teaches me so much about moving on, life and just thinking before doing. Life ain’t that serious. I love you Layne. I completely do. I started alcohol classes and I went in with such a shitty attitude, like I’m better than everyone? (Been my issue for, forever) I fucking love my group sessions. I am for once not alone with the unpopular shit I struggle with. Addiction is so real and I always thought it was a stupid ass excuse for being lazy but hahhhhhh karma loves me.

I’ve been struggling so hard with jenna. I have talked to a handful of people and most have said it’s been blown out of proportion but, don’t hurt your friends. I finally fucking wrapped it up when I got ahold of her, tried to anyway, before Christmas. I explained a lot, now that I’ve had years to sit back and reflect on myself and my bullshit and I can’t blame her (side bar: she still didn’t care lol.) But I am fuckin over it. My feelings got hurt to absolute fuck about some things and instead of being mature, I fucked her over, because I felt fucked over. But I’m sorry, I did that, I take responsibility and best wishes forever but an anvil weight has finally been lifted off my chest and I feel like I can finally move the fuck on and it’s such a great feeling to get rid of something that’s been eating me alive.

So basically, the last two years ate me the fuck alive. This year I meditated on shit. We will see how 2020 goes but I am ready considering what I’ve done to myself, been through and I still am fucking alive and trying. Being a human is dumb but it’s aight sometimes. Getting better. Good luck y’all.

[lillysleepilystudying]

92 Questions Tag

tagged by: @court-ships (now @bujo-ie )

LAST: 1. drink: probs water (tbh i dont like water much but you gotta sTaY hyDrATed) 2. phone call: i ran out of credit ages ago and haven’t bothered to recharge it so i haven’t called anybody recently, but mum has called me, so i guess that counts. (actually thinking about it i can’t remember the last time i called someone) 3. text message: to my best bud (cause i was wallowing in the depths of despair for like 3 weeks cause i felt like she was ignoring me so i finally got the courage to text her about it last night :) i think we’re going to be good) 4. song you listened to: K I’M LISTENING TO TEAM BY LORDE RIGHT NOW AND I LOVE IT FOREVER AND ALWAYS  5. time you cried: tbh like last weekend (see point number 3)

HAVE YOU: 6. dated someone twice: nope 7. kissed someone and regretted it: never kissed anybod 8. been cheated on: nup, thankfully 9. lost someone special: i have lost relatives but i never really knew them? i have lost quite a few pets tho :/ 10. been depressed: not ‘officialy’ but past couple weeks have been bad (once again, see point 3) 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: never been drunk, only ever had small sips of alcohol (i’m way to young)

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12-14: ohh so hard i don’t really have a fav, but i guess all blues (with and emphasis on teal) and like nearly all pastel colours.

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. made new friends: yeah, but not like super close 16. fallen out of love: nah 17. laughed until you cried: maybe, but not very much 18. found out someone was talking about you: i don’t know? like this one isn’t very clear 19. met someone who changed you: sort of, i became closer to best bud, who i guess has changed me a bit 20. found out who your friends are: yes, but like also no? one of my few good friends left (for england of all places, but she is coming back), another’s moving schools, and once again see point 3 for other friend 21. kissed someone on your Facebook list: no lol i don’t even have facebook

GENERAL: 22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: see point 21 23. do you have any pets: YESS SO MANY a dog, two cats, like 8 horses (only one’s mine tho), 3 ducks (one i’ve had since i was like 4), around ten chickens... yeah i kind of live on a farm without all the big herds (also a lot lot smaller than a farm lol). fun fact: we used to have like 7 peacocks, they’re actually the coolest birds to have around. 24. do you want to change your name: no way, i actually quite like mine :) 25. what did you do for your last birthday: pool partay! tbh i went way overboard with the decorations, i spent hours making little paper flowers for everyone (they looked pretty cool, actually) 26. what time did you wake up: probs like 6;30, but stayed half asleep until 8:20 (shhh it’s a sunday i can do what ever i want 27. what were you doing at midnight last night: sleepinggg (sadly without my radio on bc mum wanted me to ‘try sleeping without music’ mum how i can i i need it ON 28. name something you can’t wait for: DOCTOR WHO CHRISTMAS SPECIAL #BILLISBACK GET PUMPED!! also PINOF 9 and halloween baking videos from dan and phil, also, any album coming out from any of my favourite artists for the next like 104585 years. ALSO I’M GOING TO MONGOLIA IN LIKE 2 WEEKS HOW DID I FORGET THAT 29. when was the last time you saw your mom: like half an hour ago we were running about in the rain putting the horses back in their yards 30. what is one thing you wish you could change in your life: world peace, there are too many people (and animals) that are a victim of unhappiness they will never deserve

31. what are you listening to right now: A WORLD ALONE AKA THAT LORDE SONG THAT I RELATE TO ON AN OTHERWORLDLY LEVEL 32. have you ever talked to a person named Tom: yeah, there’s one in my grade and he speaks fluent french (at least he did last time i checked which was like 2 years ago) 33. something that is getting on your nerves: tbh like all homework ever, plus this giant self-directed project we’re doing this year, it’s the most stressful thing ever. also, once again see point 3 34. most visited websites: umm i guess youtube, school’s home page, tumblr (although i’m mainly on mobile for that and that’s an app) reddit and ao3 (one my phone)

LOST QUESTIONS. I JUST PUT IN RANDOM INFO ABOUT ME 35. mole/s: nah not really 36. mark/s: nah, but i got beeg stretch marks on the sides of my hips bc i am gROWING FAST 37. childhood dream: i think a vet or zookepper. also i really wanted to publish a book that said ‘new york times bestseller’ on the front bc that’s what all my favs said on them (tbh i still dream of this) 38. hair color: blonde ayyy (but it’s getting darker underneath) 39. long or short hair: i guess medium - long (little below my shoulder blades) 40. do you have a crush on someone: not really i haven’t had one in literal years unless you count that time i sorta thought i had one one on my best friend even though im 98% sure i’m straight 41. what do you like about yourself: my creativity, like i’ve learnt not to say ‘oh i’m horrible at art/writing’ when i’m actually not that bad. also, i’m a total weirdo 42. piercings: confession: i don’t even have my ears pierced yet?? like, i do want them pierced, but i literally can’t be bothered atm lol 43. blood type: idk, although i did get a blood test like last monday, so i should know soon 44. nickname: i don’t really have any (there’s not much you can do with ‘lilly’) although i have one friend who calls me lilpil. 45. relationship status: single and probably staying that way for a while :) 46. zodiac: capricorn (but i don’t bother with zodiacs bc i am NOTHING like a capricorn) 47. pronouns: she/her

48. favorite TV Show: OMG I HAVE SO MANY BUT I’M A FRIGGIN HUGE DOCTOR WHO AND SHERLOCK FAN COME SCREAM ABOUT THEM TO ME also if you ship johnlock that’s even better!! 49. tattoos: none 50. right or left hand: right handed 51. surgery: nope 52. hair dyed in different color: never done, probably never going to (i change my mind ALOT) 53. sport: tbh i hate sport but i do horse riding and with school i do sailing and hockey (bc a summer and winter sport is compulsory)  55. vacation: OK LIKE I SAID I’M GOING TO MONGOLIA AND I CAN’T GIVE AWAY TOO MUCH BUT I DID HAVE TO APPLY TO GET IN AND I’M RAZZED 56. pair of trainers: i’m not to particular, i just have shoes for sport (alTHOUGH, i do have an awesome pair of white sneakers with a bit of gold round the back)

MORE GENERAL:

57. eating: it’s father’s day and we had a GIANT breakfast and lunch so i don’t know if i’m even having dinner 58. drinking: i could KILL for a milo right now (it’s like, my version of tea or coffee) but parents have stopped buying it because ‘there’s too much sugar’ TIM I DON’T CARE I CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT IT 59. i’m about to: idk i need to practice guitar, work on my bujo (bc i’m super behind), keep writing my fic, and i guess other general stuff 61. waiting for: nothing really, it’s sunday night so i’m sad bc it’s monday tomorrow 62. want: lots of things (who don’t amirite) but one is getting my bedroom walls gyprocked and painted (they’re wood panelling and i hate it) 63. get married: tbh whenever i meet the right person :) 64. career: FILM DIRECTOR YO i know nothing about film but i still really want to do it.

WHICH IS BETTER 65. hugs or kisses: OMG HUGS HUG ME PLEASE 66. lips or eyes: eyes, literally everybody’s eyes are beautiful, it’s great 67. shorter or taller: taller 68. older or younger: older i guess 70. nice arms or nice stomach: nice personality ;) 71. sensitive or loud: sensitive, like me tbh i’m so sensitive raise your voice at me and i will burst into tears  72. hook up or relationship: relationship always 73. troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant, also like me

HAVE YOU EVER: 74. kissed a stranger: definitely no 75. drank hard liquor: nopeity no 76. lost glasses/contact lenses: don’t have ‘em 77. turned someone down: technically yes? there was this new kid at school and he was literally asking every girl out, i was a bit confused. 78. sex on the first date: definitely no  79. broken someone’s heart: sadly i think so (but we’re like best friends no so it’s all good) 80. had your heart broken: no 81. been arrested: no 82. cried when someone died: yes, aforementioned relative i barley knew (still sad tho)  83. fallen for a friend: sortofnotreally

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84. yourself: yes, at least i try my very hardest 85. miracles: in a way, yes 

86. love at first sight: not really

87. santa claus: when i as like 3, yes 

88. kiss on the first date: maybe?

OTHER: 90. current best friend name: ezri, my smol bean (also person from infamous point 3) fun fact: we’re both pretty sure she’s named after her character from star trek, ezri dax (her parents are giant nerds just like ez and i) 91. eye color: blue/gey with a bit of green 92. favorite movie: ARGHHH I CAN’T PICK I HAVE SOOO MANY, LIKE EVERY ONE BASED OFF BOOKS I LIKE, i really can’t pick, but one that is quite special to me is ‘my house in umbria’, my grandma and i used to watch this together all the time

Ok whoa this took me LITERAL HOURS but now that i’m done i just want to tag anyone who wants to do it! :)

#92 questions tag #this took sO LONG #but it was fun #lilly speaks #personal #not studyblr

[myinnerwasteland]

I hate that there’s

not enough time in the world to do everything.

Theres not enough hours in a whole day to do all things I want to do man. It’s sucks extremely. Everything’s just lined up and I wanna do all them things I can and want to do but I can’t because of me ultimately minus the other factors in life. It’s me. Now I have a job. Finally. But it’s taking up all my time even on my scattered couple days off I relax because it’s literally needed and it goes by so quick like my do nothing days. I don’t know how to go about it. How shall I do things? And what the fuck on Earth are these feelings man. Gotta find a way to pause them but it’s fucking relentless and the off buttons mia. There’s vibes at work, people everywhere, mindless heavy work and sad little me walking about making mistakes and fixing them and putting in work and talking to people without wanting to really and i just can’t tell if I’m putting up a front or not. I don’t know if that’s the jolly me I brag about and that I know myself as or if I just do it because I don’t know how else to behave but nicely and highly energetic and enthusiastically. Just honestly what the fuck do I do with all this life? Shit its 7 minutes past midnight. And it’s clicked. Happy fucking birthday to my ass. God I can’t say in words how this day coming around makes and has made me feel for months. The big ass bitchin 20. Idk why I’m complaining like it’s a fat three zero bc to most people my life’s just started. To me it literally really and truly is dooming and I hate the whole idea of it. When I was 17 I wanted it to last longer. When I was 18 I wanted it to be permanent. When I was 19 just moments ago I wanted to settle for it. I didn’t want to be an age I was no longer a teen. When you’re not that people expect you to act your age and it’s a serious thing then. It’s still expected at teen years but not as surprising bc your still in your adolescent years doing dumb and reckless shit. And yes I spent 19 doing just that. For multiple reasons going as me being a natural fuck up to just not caring with what ever I do to actually wanting to also do dumb shit. 18 was a good age to stay permanent because I was legally an adult and could accounting the law roam with a piece of ID and qualify myself as my own person. 17 was just a golden age to be. That was the mid point of comfort. Dumb and smart and old enough and young at the very same time. Immersing into adulthood yet equivalently latched to the past 16 years of innocent youth. As you get older youth stays but increases with some venemous symptoms. It is no longer sunsets and rainbows full of more laughter and ignorant bliss. It gets darker, wilder, mature, things like welcome to the real world, make do and diy. You start to get your hands dirty and make real messes out of things and be the people who are parents taught us not to be. We become the inevitable damage content of this world like every other adult who was also once young and carefree. We’re all so innocent then boom as we get older we become dangerous. Every age shapes us and makes us a version of ourselves we were once different to not long before. Mad that. We also become smarter each passing year so what makes us a danger is exactly that. We know what to do, how to go about things, we are sane and have sense and real firm control of our words and manoeuvres and with that we purposely cause problems even through subliminal moves. That is being older. Being an adult. It’s where “act your age” kicks at you. Bc you’re no longer futile and brainless. You’ve now officially become something artificial like anyone else is. Nothing new, nothing special. Just older.

I’ve said this before but I’m gonna say it again.. I tend to usually drift of topic and continue into a subject of something relative but not the point I should be sticking to. I always do this and I get more ongoing content out instead of what else I might have wanted to say regarding my original point. I jump from one thing to another and I can’t help it but at least I say things that are real right? Whatever comes to mind it just spills on here despite the point. That can be talked about if I remember it again or not

(00:20)

Rn I’m tired mixed with shitty feelings and watching some Justin timberlake movie on tele. (This is me coming back to say it wasn’t that great and dad pestered me to go up to bed so I never saw the end, wasn’t worth it then) God it’s always been forever when I come back to watch tv. It’s like I got to make time for it even though I don’t really. But when I want to it’s usually at night at a time like this and I hope anything is on from a good block buster movie down to anything like gogglebox even. Just want some of that tv nature to bring me back to something normal (I think I meant to say that as the reason idky it just got typed). I love tv or so I did. I barely spend time with the sofa and the big screen in front of me since I got lazy and sad over a year ago. Funny how among all the hundreds of interlinked factors does it shape a new lifestyle. Every facet of life and me and exisitance plays a harmless yet powerful game. It’s mad how I used to be not a year ago and how I am months down a line compared to the old me. It feels like years and years in between but it’s not. This is me. Everyday it’s a new me. Everyday I change exponentially with my moods and infiltration of hella sadness. I can’t get away from it. I’m immersed into this new me whose no longer definitive to the new term anymore. It’s quite old now but always the latest version seeing as I haven’t changed the persona of me since it came forward and consumed me. Let’s talk about consumption? Kay lets. Like I always say I know myself. Knowing yourself doesn’t mean shit to nothing else alive but to you. You’re a different you in every other mind of every pair of eyes that’s seen you. Even if it was a stranger walking by. They saw you. Mindlessly they saw you in mere sight and that’s it. Quick glance and take in of appearance or sometimes a little more with a minor thought upon you. You’re seen nevertheless as versions you will never know yourself and never of the version you really are. You don’t even know the real version of you. You only know most of you bc you know your interest and hobbies and things like that. Other people say won’t know all of that but only some and the way they see you because they’re literally outside of your body and seeing you through their eyes and not from your own mind. So yeah me knowing me I can’t say why I’ve allowed myself to get like this and be so caught up in feelings that are unpleasant and disturbing. My reasons would simply be things like bc I wanted to bc I didn’t care to close any doors I was meant to close in my head. Bc I wanted to be sad really. Bc I’m also alone but that’s minor bc I only figured that out recently. Other pointless reasons may occur too like not taking care when I really was being pushed to help myself but I don’t take growing hands. I have a problem with saying yes to things that’ll harmlessly benefit me. I just say no politely like don’t trouble yourself for me. Like I don’t want that. Who am I? I mean I know who I am and my worth. It’s fucking up there bro. But people don’t see me and shouldn’t see me as worthy of taking help. Like I can’t put it in words so I’ll give up on that. But my pint is I can’t justify in explaining as to why I say no to any simple help. A guy offer me a bag to carry two heavy bottles of coke? Na it’s alright really fast and I zoom out and away like what was the reason for a mini nervous breakdown and say no for? Am I okay? It’s really like I cba you should never have opened your mouth bc really and truly it would be a great help if these bottles can be bagged and carried instead of it cradled in my arms but I cba for the excerion. That’s it! Mental and physical effort. Like without even thinking this. It’s just a feeling and I literally can’t deal with that. So I automatically say no. I’ve gone off topic agains nd forgot my point smh

Next thing I wanna put out here is that my music hasn’t been very obliging past three nights. Two nights I dunno I didn’t even put in and sleep bc I really wasn’t for it them couple nights and I felt like it was causing my head to feel some way. So I left it and slept freely when the moment came. The third night and a night after also too which was last night I plugged in my earphones at some point bc I could not not do it, it being such a habit. It still wasn’t gratifying as it usually is. The music was fine and great with what played. I was entertained nonetheless but my body and head was more worked out and tired than the past three months and I’d been drinking and smoking so I feel that also defo had some affect and influence on whatever I was feeling. It wasn’t good I tell you that. Aaaaaand I keep waking up incessantly every morning for time now. I can’t even remember when there was a time I woke up feeling good. These days and last year I’ve been waking up not pleasantly. It’s always something man. Literally. I have no soul to exaggerate any of what goes on with me on here. Here lies the truth. My blog. My sweet pretty blog. So yeah I wake up and it’s an ache in my head, remnant music echoes which are fine but make me wonder am I causing something in me? Things like bad dreams and I have like 50 in one night and the bad ones make me unhappy as I wake. There also this weird weird feeling I get just as I’m waking and it’s one I really can’t explain. It’s so bad like I’m half way conscious and half way not at all awake. I’m literally both and I get this feeling, it’s heavy and I wouldn’t say painful but it causes some kind of light hurt? Idk but I feel it immensely and it does come to my attention in the moment and I am not okay as to why this happens many mornings of when I wake. Like after it is over not that I pay attention but it does go away and I am either gone back to sleep or have woken up somehow now I just am not happy bc of the wake. Like your/my wake literally matters. I don’t like these numerous sensations I feel in my moment of waking. I want to be woken with ease and calmness and slowness like just how a breeze comes pleasantly on a hot summers day. I wanna be woken softly and beautifully like that.

Okay I’m not done talking but I’m tired so gonna tap out now (02:59)

[meepface]

these questions seem very therapeutic and i have been havin a week so im gonna do em, please ignore me

1. What can you do today that you were not capable of a year ago?

say no to people!! post selfies and not feel ashamed of myself for doing so!! stand up for myself without immediately crying!! 

2. What has been on your mind most lately?

well this week i’ve been in kind of a negative headspace so i have sorta thought about how much easier dying would be than dealing with any of my problems, but i have also thought about how much i don’t actually wanna kill myself also so i’ve been feelin sorta trapped between ‘mannnn if i would just fucking do it’ vs ‘but i don’t wanna my mom would be sad’, so that’s a real fun time!

3. Right now at this moment; What do you want right now?

i wanna feel myself again honestly. i’ve felt super weird n distant from who i used to be and who i wanna be and i feel like im just floatin. i feel super dissociative and i don’t feel genuine in how i behave anymore like idek myself. another super fun time!

4. In order of importance, How would you rank: Money, Happiness, Love, Health and Fame?

love (not strictly the romantic kind), happiness, health, money, fame

5. What would best describe the way you have spent your time in the last month?

feel like i’ve been wastin a lot of time bein super unhappy. buuuuut i spent a lot of time with people i love last month so that was good. kinda mixed, neutral feelings about it

6. What is the #1 motive in your life now?

to learn how to live for myself more

7. In one sentence, who are you?

i would say i am an extreeeeemely sensitive and compassionate person who’s always tryin to do the right thing and make a few people laugh when i can

8. What do you want to be known for?

being good and kind and gentle and positive

9. If you had to move 3000 miles away, what would you miss most?

my family, my dogs, my girlfriend, my friends, my grandma, this local restaurant that has amazing pancakes, my university bc i really like it there, the general atmosphere of downtown Austin, my therapist, my bedroom. in no particular order

10. In one year from today, how do you think your life will be different?

hopefully i’m taking care of myself well, am happy in my current situation and if i’m not i am actively working to do what i need to do to fix that, maybe i’ll have finally gotten another job and have moved out possibly. who knows. just hope im doin well

11. Who makes you feel good about yourself?

my friend Stein, my mom, my girlfriend, my therapist, a few of my internet friends

12. What are the top 3 qualities you look for in a friend?

someone who makes me laugh, someone who is a good listener, someone extremely supportive and non-judgmental

13. What has fear of failure stopped you from doing?

joining a club and being more social in college, getting another job, moving out, making videos, volunteering at this abuse center i’d really love to volunteer at

14. What is something you have always wanted since you were a kid?

a golden retriever

15. What stands between you and something you want?

fear of change

16. What do you do when nothing else seems to make you happy?

i find something to calm me down and distract me, like a game or something i can play so i stop thinking too much. also talking to someone helps but whenever i’m not in the mood to talk i try to do something to distract myself, or go to sleep if it’s a good time to

17. What do you need to spend more time doing?

being with friends and family, writing

18. When did you first realize that life was short?

i mean i had a few near-death experiences as a kid but none of em i was like “wow i could’ve died and that would’ve been the end” bc i didn’t really process them like that when i was that young. one of first times that i can remember feeling really deeply anxious about how short life really is is when i saw a bad car wreck just last year that had just happened and (TW ahead) i saw a person dead on the road with his head smashed. that was so scarring for me and now wrecks make me uncomfortable and i used to drive kinda recklessly as a dumb suicidal thing but now i would never ever drive the way i used to. another time i can think of is when a girl in my grade who i had actually been close friends with all throughout middle school up until freshman year died in a car wreck and our whole school was devastated

19. What issues do you continually refuse to confront?

honestly i want to confront and fix or work on all of my issues lmao so

20. What is something a lot of people do that you disagree with?

there’s a lot of homophobic and transphobic people in the small Texas town that i work in and a lot of em say super offensive things really casually and i hate it so much. also a lot of people enjoy jolly ranchers which i will never understand

21. What is a common misconception people have about you?

i’m shy, i’m straight, i’m lazy, i don’t work hard

22. What is something no one can take away from you?

no one could pull me away from my mom tbh that bitch knows everything and no one can tell me not to tell her what they tell me bc she’s gonna know in the next hour

23. What is something you would hate to go without for a day?

ummm chicken probably. it’s all i eat

24. When you look into the past what do you miss the most?

how cheerful and happy i was in 2015 and some of 2016!!!!!! the fuck happened!!!!

25. What memory from the past year makes you smile the most?

hmmm probably the times my gf and i spent hours making out n stuff in parking lots bc we finally got over our fear of havin our first kiss w each other and went all out

26. What is the number one change you need to make in your life within the next twelve months?

hmmm don’t wanna share it but i know in my head the answer to this

27. If not now, then when?

when i’m ready and when i know for sure that it’s what i want. because right now i don’t know what i want with my life but i just know that right now i am not happy. baby steps

28. What have you done that you are truly proud of?

i gained soooooo much confidence after graduating high school. came out to everyone, told my mom i wanted to finally try to go to therapy which has been a blessing for me

29. What is something new you have recently learned about yourself?

i’ve learned where my dependency issue that i used to have super bad stemmed from. i’m kinda growin from that though. i still have residual anxieties that were caused by it but nothin i can’t work through

30. What do you want to remember forever?

hmm. probably that one quote that’s like “anything that costs your peace is too expensive”. either that orrrrr that one scene in the office where Jim gets drunk and crashes his bike into the bushes

31. What could society do without?

religion (yikes yikes yikes) (don’t hate me, just hear me out) - this doesn’t mean the spirituality of it but like..... the whole rules and order part of it. the ancient outdated books and everything being taken so literally in today’s world. everyone could have their own takes and believe in their own things and they can just be without feeling like they either have to go to church or celebrate a religious holiday or be a certain way bc ‘god’, whoever they may be, wants them to. idk i like to believe there’s a higher power that just represents love, in its purest form, and that’s it. that’s all you gotta know about them. there’s no rules to that, you just do with that what you will, learn from that what you can. does this make sense at all 

32. What is the one thing right now, that you are totally sure of?

right now i am totally sure that i shouldn’t have started doing this survey bc i am exhausted and i have work in the morning but i’m definitely gonna finish it

33. If you had the opportunity to get a message across to a large group of people, what would you say?

be kinder and gentler, thank you

34. What is something that you said you would never do, but have since done?

this is uhhh super emo but i didn’t think i’d live this long and here the fuck i am

35. What is something you changed your mind about when you grew older?

my feelings about The Gays, since i grew up to be one and when i was little i was terrrrified of that idea. i didn’t care if other people were but when it came to me i was like noooo way jose. also? the concept of marriage? i’ve become super apathetic towards it. i don’t care if i end up married or not anymore, i will commit to someone for life regardless and i don’t need a ceremony and anything official to prove that. buuuuut that being said, if my future partner wants to be married, i’m 200% there and i’m already starting to think about our wedding color scheme. man. idk if i’d rather wear a suit or a dress at my wedding

36. What didn't last forever, but was still worth your while?

hmmm maybe my current therapy stuff?? i know one day i’m gonna stop going to therapy but man have i learned a lot and man have i grown. i truly think everyone needs to go to therapy at least once in their life, you learn things that are valuable in every aspect of life

37. If you could go back and time and tell the younger version of yourself something, what would you tell?

you’re not stupid, you’re allowed to make mistakes, maaaybe ask for the braces that aren’t clear bc those just made your teeth look massive and you hated yourself while they were on and you can’t look at pictures with them even years later. aaaand they made you super insecure about your mouth and smile even years down the line so, please dodge that bullet if ya can. also you’re super gay!

38. If you knew you were dying in the next 60 seconds, what would your last words be?

finally

39. When it is all said and done, would you have said more then you've done or vice versa?

hmm i’ve probably said a lot more than i’ve done, which i wanna change. if i’m understanding this question right

40. What question do you often ask yourself?

what do you want? what do you need? which of the two is more important?

#this was as expected.... very therapeutic #i recommend answerin these #helps u figure urself out #anywho #like if ya read #about me #long post