#idk im just. stressed. and worried about not doing a good enough job

[simonstamenovic]

if lasting integrity has one hater it is me etc etc

#okay maya too. #outgoing transmission #im uncomfortable and cant sleep and am plagued by memories that are mostly vague #just... being awake too much and then when i eas finally able to fall asleep #i could Not stay asleep bc everything was too stressful and maya wasnt around and I was worried #about her and other things. half sure id be stuck there #thought a bit too much abt kal i didnt Quite know how much i liked. or loved yk. him then but #i was like ah itd really suck if i couldnt see him again i wonder if he'd find a way or if ill die here #there was a lot more to think about but Often when i felt hopeless i figured at least he was doing better #(he was not /: but he's alive) #i don't think i was the one for LI #i mean I was i guess I just am In There Now #like logically yeah maya was able to talk because of me sort of. because of us. saying me feels wrong. #but without her i would have been fucked #and its a moot point bc it was all fine and yk.. idk. i was Good enough to love my spren to life so i was the guy for the job #but ohhh the. horrors of feeling inadequate in the moment #this is Peak middle of it all. the most stressful part. #im so so tired. #adolin post

[tinylittlebab]

blah

#wow i have spiraled quickly #anyway. i have so much cute clothes and im getting a pair of cute boots soon and they will look so good on me when im skinnier #like. i could be alt bitch th/in/sp/o if i just starve myself enough #ive been planning to get more cool clothes tjis year when i turn 18 and get a job and im gonna look so good in then when im so thin #like. i have actual hope that maybe itll work this time bc i dont live with my parents who i gotta hide it from #currently my other sister lives here but shes gonna move out in like a month and once that happens then ill be home alone almost all day #again so itll be so easy to just not eat unlike before when i never had time to myself. its not unusual that my sister goes to work before #i wake up and then im asleep when she comes back and if im barely eating ill be more tired so like. i really dont gotta worry about her #asking me to cook very often! idk. i wanna get some cute clothes when i lose weight. ofc im kinda worried if i decide to recover again #that ill gain and then not fit in them after spending money which would be sad #well. maybe ill buy some in my current size in xase i gain weight again just bc #i dont trust my disabled body to fuck me over and then i gotta gain weight bc im going to doctors so its probably smarted to do that #i wish i knew what the underlying health issue i have thats causing my hair to fall out bc its not my ed #id been eating plenty every day for a year and my hair still fell out constantly #i wake up every morning with my hair fallen out wrapped around my ahoulders that got pulled out while i slept and its stressful #well. at least it will start to feel comforting like im getting sicker like it used to instead of juat scary like it is now

[jazzyblusnowflake]

Why not move? I’d never stay in a country that treats its women this way. And you working for the government indirectly supports that. Good luck.

Okay so

i've been mulling over this ever since it came to my inbox and i've been trying to find a way to answer this and NOT be impolite or improper because i am aware that not everyone knows the complications of straight up moving to a different country, as it is not as simple as just moving to a different STATE, like the US, [and to be fair i've heard that even THAT could be stressful] and as someone who has LIVED in 3 countries and has visited another 5+ countries, let me tell you that your question is extremely ignorant and insensitive and straight up hurtful to all the people who both DONT want to leave their communities here and also the people who DO want to leave but are too poor to do so.... because our country, due to the prohibition by good ol' murica has now the lowest money currency value on the PLANET, and we have been suffering in silence for DECADES- with NO way to transfer money into our country- [donation campaigns are usually a scam, pay attention to those please] so in short? we are poor as absolute FUCK-!

and the process of moving somewhere else is already hard enough for people who DONT have as much financial issues, let alone US.

what exactly would anyone propose we do? when we dont have the money to request for any sort of visa, nor to get a house in a different country, nor food, nor for studying, living, getting medical or MENTAL health help- etc etc etc???

and reports of smuggling people out of the country usually come back as human trafficking or the gov blew them up or killed them somehow? idk this has actually happened with a PLANE once-

the only way to leave this country is being filthy rich, fucking LUCKY, or just a very very VERY smart student which again more often than not requires both money AND luck to get accepted in any university... so again.... no money!!!

like im sorry for snapping but here i am being told "why don't you leave" as if i haven't tried to find a way all my life, as if its some sort of sick joke- i cant, i fucking CANT!- i have family members i care about and wouldn't want to leave- other countries treat us like garbage thanks to online media portraying us as monsters- i cant spend another 10 years to study shit all over again just to send a letter to foreign universities with barely enough luck because im NOT that smart at all!! and it reminds me of when i look at my dad and say i wish we lived somewhere else and he looks at me like "then leave" in the cruelest way imaginable because he KNOWS we cant fucking leave due to him being a diplomat-

every country has its own culture and history and communities that they value and want to protect and stand by, so people cant just LEAVE, and even if they do, more often than not, other places would never accept them or appreciate them the same way their own country would. Like did yall tell black people to leave america after the BLM movement when George Floyd got killed? this is our home and we need to stop saying "then leave" and start saying "we need to start fixing this shit"

we are so fucking tired. please stop saying "then leave" if you just "don't want to help"...

as for me working for the gov, my dad is already a diplomat and keeps me away from doing anything against the regime, and also i'm considered one of the LUCKY ones in my country, who has a job that ensures a constant pay since the first semester of UNIVERSITY. im one of the few that could actually have a meal at night without worrying about what i'm going to eat tomorrow, and at the same time i teach kids from the inside to not take shit from the gov. i consider myself VERY lucky.

we aren't playing a videogame to take shallow black and white SIDES- even the protesters have destroyed privet properties and peoples cars and etc etc, and some people straight up want the monarchy system back as if that very system wasn't the entire reason that half of our countries riches and history isn't in the BRITISH museum today instead of their homeland!! this shit started over the freedom to WEAR what we want not to HURT everyone in blind rage!!!

Please never say "just leave" to anyone else ever again, especially to someone who doesn't even know if they'll live another day stepping out of the door, let alone drive all the way to an airport or the country boarders or something.... if they even HAVE the money to go that far.

So thankyou for reading and being concerned in your own way but id rather stay here and die in a country that doesn't accept me as a WOMAN than to live a futureless life in a country that wouldn't even accept me as a PERSON.

#mahsa amini #mahsaamini #opiran #free iran #iran #islamic republic of iran #snow rambles

[koolades-world]

hi, super unrelated to obey me BUTTTT i was wondering how you handle your request inbox? is that what it’s called? is it ask inbox? nvm you get my point… i think? idk i just imagine it’s very stressful, like do you chose a prompt that interests you first or do you go by the oldest first.

i like to think about how fun it would be to write stuff and posts about my interests — i even think it’d be fun to get requests. however, i also recognize that i don’t think i could handle it. as much as i’d want to write as a hobby, some part of me knows the moment i start getting requests, i will start viewing it more as a job. i bet there are asks that also bring motivation or inspiration but i’m not 100% sure.

i was just curious if you would be willing to give some insight or your personal experience. totally fine if you don’t want to or don’t know how to respond to this. thank you!

hello!! this is different from the stuff i usually get but I'm super happy to answer your questions and try to help out :)

not really sure what it's called either now that i think about it. i think i just call it my inbox?? idk haha. i rarely talk about my tumblr with anyone and actually don't even mention i write just to have to avoid explaining what exactly i write is to someone who doesn't know. the only two people who know are two of my best friends <333 love you guys since i know you might see this <3 although i will say mentioning that youre a tumblr writer always seems to kill the convo haha

usually, i work in the order i get them! right now, i've just made it into the beginning of feburary since i just have so many and i don't want people to feel like picking favorite because ultimately, anons are people who enjoyed my content enough to make a requests and i want to see that through, to let them feel that excitement that someone whos work they liked actually wrote their idea! some requests can be kinda hard to do sometimes, so i usually need more time to do those so i have time to dwell on the idea. but sometimes they just click and i have it done in less than twenty minutes! sometimes i do occasionally fast track a request if i'm very inspired or if it really speaks to me!

the amount of requests can get a little overwhelming at times, but it's so heartwarming to know that many people like the content i make. right now i have 77 unwritten i think? one day i'll make it through all of them but i don't think ill ever get back to 0 /pos

in order to continue writing it has to be fun for you!! it for sure should not feel like a job. i used to write back in 2020 because of all the extra time i had on my hands, and i lost the time to keep up, so in 2023, i migrated here to try and pick it up again. i'm a stem major (bio my beloved <3) and it's my passion but it leaves little room to be creative, so this is my outlet! i feel like it's a good way to express yourself if you couldn't otherwise. i was so excited when i got my first request! i still remember it clearly just because of how excited i was. it's fulfilling to make people happy with something as simple as words that came from my silly little brain

honestly i blew up much faster than i ever thought i would so i still feel like im all too new at this tumblr blog thing. i still learn new things about tumblr all the time, such as custom themes on desktop haha. i've had this account and have been writing since march of last year but i didn't really start to pick up steam until january of this year because i started posting daily to try and get through all my waiting requests just to like, explode probably because of the consistent posting, so if you are still interested in writing, for sure take it slow! if it's just for fun, don't worry and actually try not to be too consistent. if you want to grow quickly, consistency is key no matter what schedule you decide on.

if i get rude requests, which has only happened a few times now, i just don't do them because i don't want to reward that kind of behavior, even if the idea is magnificent. for sure lay out rules if you do plan to go ahead with writing. be firm with them! im not great at that lol. also remember that you aren't obligated to at all! you are the one choosing to be here and you only have to do the ones you want, or none if you choose not to take requests. i like them because it gives me ideas i wouldnt have before because it can be kinda hard to come up with original ideas at the pace i would need them for my daily post. but, the pace i move at is very fast and it even scares me sometimes, so that wouldn't be too much of a problem for you if you chose to write

hope this was helpful and let me know if you need anything else. always happy to help <3

#anon #writing advice #hope this helps!! <3

[lil-stormcloud]

sun.06.sep

most stressful week of my life

this week was both so much happened, you know my new friend? my BEST friend named calista? well turns out she killed someone this week… and she asked me to help her haha!! i refused of course (she wasn’t too happy about that) i didn’t want to hurt pretty paula

after she killed pretty paula she took a photo of the grave and posted it to her tumblr, i dont know what to do now, i dont know anymore, my first real friend killed someone because they didnt like them, but its fine, its fine, its fine.

im terrified cali will get caught, like the murder was bad but she doesnt deserve to go to jail… right? i dont know what to think im so confused by everything

enough about calista and her killing people!! lets talk about my week

i stayed home from school all week because i didnt know how to react to cali killing them, i didnt want to have to react… im talking about calista again oops haha

anyway dusty the cat showed up like three times this week and ate some food i left out back for him, i think hes becoming more comfortable with me (i hope he is i really want another friend, one who wont kill people, even if its just a cat)

mum wasn’t at home much this week so i didnt even have to fake sick to stay home, im kinda worried for where she’s been and i KNOW she wasn’t at the office (not that she ever really goes to the office) because she doesnt work on weekends and she wasn’t here today or saturday

idk whats going on in my life i just want friends and people who i can TRUST, and of course i trust calista.. and my mum.. but they are stressing me out and being reckless

im used to it. its fine.

im used to it.

thats all for today, just a summary of this week, haha i feel sorta nauseous, ive been feeling nauseous for a few days

- Lexxi

edit!! i just remembered some good news, i got the job at the corner store!! im so excited my first day is tmr on monday :)

[sabaramonds]

the thing about mikoto of milgram fame is that hes like. okay. so theres a lot that cant be said about him yet because his 2nd trial hasnt released and wont be for quite a while and his music video and interrogation only tell us so much. but what they DO tell us is um. enough to say some things if he answered his interrogation questions honestly, we know he has a younger sister he brags about, his parents are divorced and his father isnt involved in their lives. in regards to his mother, he says that “she raised me. i cant let her worry.” he downplays his own interests/hobbies a lot. he said he played baseball in high school but that he wasnt good at it; he went to an art school but did so in order to go into business (though design was related to his chosen company) and says that he likes drawing but, again, isnt good at it. he says he hates working late nights but we see him pulling an all nighter at work in ‘undercover’. when asked why hes working his current job, he says he worked incredibly hard to even get hired, so its something to be proud of. finally, when asked if he ever gets angry, he says he doesnt. he says, “i dont think ive ever gotten angry before. isnt it disgraceful to get angry?” theres also the following milgram portal conversation (src):

Yuno: Hey, Mikoto-san. Don’t you get tired being so conscious of others all the time? I mean, you’re free to do what you want though.

Mikoto: Eh…… Aha, what are you talking about? I’m not being conscious or anything. It’s normal to make sure to get along with everyone, right?

I mean, when you put it like that, aren’t you the same, Yun-chan? You’re always smiling and getting on with everyone too.

Yuno: I don’t smile unless I actually want to. But with you, when you’re talking with other people it’s more like you only smile deliberately. So I kept thinking, don’t your cheeks get tired?

Ah, is this just what happens when you become a working adult? ……you see people like that sometimes.

Mikoto: Haha, you don’t mince your words do you.

…….that was never my intention, but now that you mention it, yeah, I guess I do. This might’ve been since I started my job too…… But like, if I was rude to everyone I met, all my efforts would come to nothing, right?

all these little things add up to paint a picture of a stressed and deeply repressed guy working a job he doesnt actually like (but he has to have a successful job he can brag about or his mother will worry) he thinks little of his own interests and hobbies and socializes more out of obligation than out of genuine desire. all of this culminates to um...his present situation... basically what i want to say is that i think its fine. also i think he killed someone and immediately repressed it but that incident is entirely unrelated to his anime brand DID and his alter. who aside from trying to whale on es that one time has only ever really showed up to be like “can you shut the fuck up. and get away from me. im trying to be normal over here and you are RUINING my life” or to pace around in mikotos cell in the middle of the night like a creature. i think mikoto 2 was entirely unrelated to mikotos repression stress induced rage murder but they might have cleaned up after him idk. we will see. mikoto wants to be a normal guy having a normal time and not worrying his family at all ever and never experiencing anything like anger or frustration at all EVER EVER!! because he has to set a good example for his sister and be the perfect son for his mom so she can relax. and he doesnt think he can do the things he enjoys for the sake of doing them. so what im saying is if he killed someone who cares. whatever. also we should all mass vote him forgiven/innocent just to spite kotoko after last nights birthday timeline post. AND because it would be funny as hell and the fandom flopped HARD voting haruka guilty/unforgiven. like god forbid girls have a little fun 🙄 btw its my firm belief that the tarot set we see in his mv (and i could talk a lot about the rest of the imagery used in that video but its almost 2am and ive rambled long enough) was designed by him during college. really funny to think about it like that. he does have one of the card designs (the. hangman, actually. i think) visible on a canvas in his apartment, partially obscured behind his couch at one point. so. lol

#milgram #guys named mikoto be like. normal with something wrong with them #my ramblings

[sea-jello]

Regarding the BMC tumblr remake: I would like to preface this ask by saying that I appreciate your enthusiasm and dedication to the fandom. However, I have concerns that there might be arguments- about the final casting, about the script, about the portrayal of the characters, about how to split roles. What if someone gets upset over not getting a role and has an issue with the final cast? What if someone accuses the judges of being biased with the auditions? And I'm not sure if copyright issues exist- it probably won't be a big deal but if it becomes a problem, it's going to be messy. Not to mention people have their real lives to manage and schedules will most likely come into conflict.

I'm worried this could easily become a recipe for fandom drama and discourse if not managed carefully. I don't mean to be a killjoy. It's great how the fandom is still so lively despite being so small, but unfortunately that is exactly where the problem lies. If something goes wrong it could damage the entire fandom. I hope and trust it won't come to that but wanted to voice my thoughts: maybe there could be better approaches? Such as leaving it as an open-source sort of project with more freedom. People can seperately post covers and storyboard them. That way everyone can participate, no hard feelings about not being part of the cast or stress over managing everything.

Of course, I am in no place to discourage this project from happening nor do I mean to. I am aware you are still working out the details, which is why I thought it would be better to put my two cents in while things are still being discussed. Thank you for your hard work and have a good day!

hey i really appreciate you voicing your concerns! really helps me think through this stuff

first of all i think arguments are just inevitable for giant group projects, especially something to this magnitude. im gonna try to have as many people as possible in making big decisions and ofc ill be open to any suggestions from anyone at all. so far from the responses ive been getting most people who want a major actor role have said they would be happy just in ensemble or participating in other roles, like music or editing, so im really just trusting them on that. as for being biased no one who wants to audition will have a hand in casting and im not particularly friends with anyone in this fandom so ill try my best not to be biased skdbksdj. if I do need help with casting again im just gonna have to trust them

it's really all riding on trust in everyone involved, which is risky but you really can't control what other people do or feel. we're just gonna have to trust everyone wil be civil and fair to each other. it's just a part of teamwork

i ddon't really know how copyright works either but im really hoping it's fine. if people can make animatics and covers of the songs then we should be good right?? that's all we're doing. there's like some sort of only use for entertainment purposes or something idk ill have to read up on that

ik ppeople have real lives and schedules lord knows i do. that's why im waiting to see if we're actually doing this, and if enough people are interested. ive even specified in the form that this will be a big project and will require patience cause not everyone can work on this 24/7, though i can't say how many people actually read the question before clicking yes. ultimately we're just here to have fun, so nothing will be taken too seriously

i know something small can ruin the entire fandom which is why ive been so nervous about actually doing this, but again it's really on trust, and so far people seem civil and enthusiastic for anything. there's gonna be a LOT of freedom for this tbh my word isn't gonna be law. the artists can decide what to draw and the actors can decide the portrayal, which does go back to your point about arguments but they're gonna have to accept people having different ways of doing things just comes with the job. if they can't accept that then honestly they're probably too young or not mature enough to even watch bmc, let alone work on a big project online. ofc some things are gonna have to be controlled for the sake of smoothness and just collaboration in general, but i think they can handle that

again im very open to suggestions but ultimately i will still be one of the people running the whole thing (i most likely will need help if we do it) so obviously there's still gonna be stuff like no changing anything without telling anyone. im not gonna be like the dictator or something im just,, a small step higher (i don't want to sound pretentious but,, yeah) i want everyone to be able to express their portrayals and takes on the show, teamwork and different points of view is just part of what makes this fun. idk how well a lot of freedom would work but we'll adjust as we go. so ig it sorta is similar to an open source project, we're just compiling them all into 2 hours together

as for participation im trying to make sure everyone who wants to can participate! i have said in the form to pick a backup in case you don't get a major character role. if you can't sing or draw or anything there's a speaking ensemble for like the people shouting over each other in the smartphone hour, or like people at the mall or something in be more chill pt1. other than the major characters there is no age limit, which might be an issue but ill try my best to sort them out. again it's just trust they won't lie about their age, cause ik some people are uncomfortable with a certain age. scenes like dywr/dywh is a HARD 16 year old limit, even for editors and artists. I've got age limits for the characters posted somewhere cause ik there are actual adults auditioning. the actors feeling comfortable or not are gonna have to be taken into account of course, but we'll sort that out if we get there. and again i will have a lot of people helping with management and might ask for opinions from people who aren't doing management too

like you said i am still thinking this through, so these are just my answers at this point in time. i will change my decisions if i have to, so thank you so much for bringing this up! see this is already an example of civil teamwork, and i really hope it will continue for the rest of the project if we do it

#bmcblr remake #im sorry for the long answer but tbf it's a long ask sjhskbd #i feel so professional #bmc #be more chill #bmc musical #be more chill musical #i don't think i swore once during all that im so proud of myself #does this make sense are we all good with this

[cinnamon-notes]

heyyy

im going into highschool this autumn

and im superrrrr scared

firstly im scared that i wont get into the one of my choice (my grades are not at the top really, my average finish grade is 4.75 out of 5.00) (my parents talked about how i have to fix most of my grades at dinner and how i wont be able to get into the school i wont and now im kind of down and stressed)

but again its sometimes not enough to get into the school that u want to so im scared :/

also another thing im worried is what college will i go to after it? because honestly idk what i want to do in life (well i sort of do but its a self made bussines)

and ofc im scared about people that will go with me idk if im going to fit in and be liked

(also im gonna have this teacher that taught me like one year in grade 5 and she didnt like me at all 😭 because i sucked at math and still do)

sooo do you have any tips??? also hows your college expirience going??? i hope its all okay and i hope your situation at work got better <3

omg i completely missed this ask LEA IM SO SORRY FORGIVE ME I ABSOLUTELY HAVE NOT CHECKED MY ASKS LATELY AND DID NOT NOTICE THIS ONE 😭😭😭

first things first, im not familiar with the education system of your country so idk how it works but 4.75/5.00 seems pretty good to me! it seems actually amazing and great! second thing, honey, high school is that thing that happens in a time of your life in which you ARE going to change... A lot! the ages of people all their way through high school is a kinda tricky and challenging period of a lifetime. so it's okay if you haven't it all figured out before even starting. you're gonna change your mind a lot. even pretty quickly and even pretty intensely. you're gonna change a lot yourself, actually. and this is completely okay. in fact, it's completely normal. so honey really don't stress too much about what college you're gonna go to afterwards. there are people who figure it out in middle school, people who figure it out in highschool, people who figure it out after highschool, people who figure it out even a lot after high school, and people who just don't figure it out, people who figure out other things that work for them although they may not work for other people and aren't what society expects from them. everyone has their own experience and i think that the best advice i could give you about that is to do anything possible to build yourself the way YOU feel right for you rather than build yourself the way people expects you to. because at the end of the day it's always gonna be you. at college. at work. at your second job. retirement. at any stage of your life the one who's always gonna stay is you. the one who's always gonna judge you is you. you don't owe things to anyone except you. you don't have to do it for anyone but you. you're gonna be the one who knows what's right for you and what isn't. and it's completely normal if you don't know just yet. you're gonna figure it out. and you wanna know why? trying. trying anything that may catch your interest. trying out. there's gonna be a huge load of failed attempts, im not gonna lie to you, but that's the point of it all. those failed attempts are successful attempts towards what you are meant to be and do. so yeah, this is the advice i'd give to you. as taylor would say, i have terrifying news: it's totally up to you now. i have wonderful news: it's totally up to you now!

about the last lines of your ask, my situation at work isn't getting that better, unfortunately... BUT i decided to set stricter boundaries just to keep my mental health safe (and physical too, cuz i feel like im being stalked, and not in a cute slightly unhinged but sweet kind of way... rather in a creepy controlling and manipulative kind of way, and i do not like it). so yeah, the situation isn't doing better, but i am. as long as i am, i think i deserve the right not to care.

about college, it's going well actually. i mean, i will have to take online classes rather than physical ones cuz im still working and i will still have to work for the next four months. but still, it's good. i took my first exam last week, i think it went quite alright. results are yet to be sent back. but i think i will be able to have them by wednesday. besides that, im glad i gave college a second chance, because im eventually studying what ive always wanted to study and for once... For once i just stopped caring about what other people think about what i study. cuz i like it. i love it. and i enjoy it. so this is enough for me to study it yay

good luck with highschool, you're gonna be just fine and everything's gonna be alright, i promise!

love,

xxcinnamonxx

#cinnamon answers

[hejdetermig]

every year i can feel myself leveling up in wisdom & maturity. like i’m 22 now, my life is completely different than when i was 19. ive realized so many things that i didn’t even know were things that existed. like how to socialize and how to be a likable person and what things will really make me content with myself and my life. part of me is scared of getting older and scared that i’m not utilizing my time go well enough and i’m wasting my youth but most of me can’t wait until i’m 30. it’s so great i don’t even have to do anything just keep existing. everything naturally finds a way. my life sucked at 19. i feel like my kid self again at 22. just doing what i want, being alone, having patience, breaking everything down into bite size steps, making things easy for myself, actually having the ability to do that when my younger self would just shut down with stress. not dating, learning about self esteem and confidence, learning to forgive my parents, learning to let go of self-destructive habits that southern baptist christianity taught me. learning that it’s okay to be content with not feeling good. i don’t need to feel happy and worry-free all the time. figuring out what pursuits make me excited. learning cheats about life like how gratitude is one of the easiest ways to turn my mood around. legit that pitbull lyric that’s become a meme “This for everybody going through tough times, Believe me, been there, done that, But every day above ground is a great day, remember that.” NO JOKE gets me through my worst moments. figuring out i had adhd and finding an entry level job with good insurance and then finding a doctor and then getting diagnosed and then taking medicine that lets me function how i’ve always needed to. the same doctor realizing before i did that i have minor depression and prescribing me medicine. telling the same doctor i believe i have clinical anxiety (ocd) and her prescribing me medicine. this took a lot of time but it was all worth it. figuring out that they weren’t kidding when they said slow and steady wins the race. learning to trust myself. when bts said “i know, i know, i know myself.” my mom tells me i need to think less and just jump into things. but that doesn’t often work out for me. what works for me is thinking new things through and preparing myself 100% before starting. we’re just different types of people. but also realizing my parents were right about a lot of stuff. i recently have been really relieved to realize that a lot of wisdom i’ve acquired has come from making mistakes and i wouldn’t have all this wisdom if i did everything perfectly. so i’m less worried about making mistakes. i read something about how there’s no right or wrong decisions, life just opens up pockets of time as a result of whatever decision you make. or something like that idk. learning that being cynical is cool but it’s legit poison for the soul. being grateful no matter what is what’s actually cool. i read something about seeing every person you encounter as someone you can learn from and that’s been kinda life changing. especially for annoying people that i would usually look down on. anyway im done poopin i’m going to be late for work.

#toilet talk #i’m going to forget all of this in an hour but that’s okay #life #ex christian #if anyone has tips for getting rid of an absolutely devastating cold tho hmu #i feel like SHIT #😝🤙

[ankhisms]

just some venting & thinking about things in general under the cut ill be ok im just having one of those days u kno

recently talked to my dear friend who lives in chicago about how things are going & we were talking about him trying to raise enough/earn enough money to get his lovely amazing fiance a computer thatll be good for doing illustration work and anyway the point of me mentioning this is that i told him "yeah im unemployed right now" and i keep coming back to that phrase because it just feels... weird and incorrect despite yeah, i dont have a job right now, so that makes me unemployed. but ive been thinking a lot about my physical and mental health problems especially after how awful my last job was and how much i just felt completely and utterly unable to handle it or pass myself off as a ~normal person able to function normally~ no matter how much i tried. lately i wonder if the combo of my chronic pain/other physical illness problems and my various mental things makes it almost impossible for me to find and hold down a job that also isnt miserable for me yknow. as far as mental health goes my long term job at the flower farm was good because i didnt have to do customer service and my coworkers aside from one were very understanding of my audio processing issues and would explain things or help me until i was able to do things right and that was great. but on the flip side that job was so physically demanding that it literally broke my back and now i dont know if im even physically able to really do a job that i got my associates degree in horticulture for! like i dont think im physically capable of working on a farm anymore and i dont know how physically demanding greenhouse jobs would be in comparison but i also know that those are tough competition.

ive been hoping that there would be an opening at the library i volunteer at which i could maybe get but at this point im kind of giving up on that option because theres almost never any openings and when there are its like librarian students from the nearby uni get preference which makes sense. like two days ago i checked indeed for my area and saw that the humane society that i used to volunteer at has two different job openings so im going to work on applying for those but im also really filled with doubt because of how physically demanding the description of the job sounds. i am very good with taking care of animals and cleaning which is a lot of what the job would be but idk i just am worried that i just am unable to hold down a job like i said before.

also just feeling very discouraged and disheartened lately i just have so little faith in myself and am constantly doubting myself and feel like giving up on everything. last night i had really awful trauma nightmares which isnt unusual i have a lot of nightmares but the ones last night really shook me up because it was all these people from the past and the present including my parents my abuser and people i love like humiliating me and yelling at me about how nothing i did or created was any good and that its all trash and embarrassing and that i just need to give up and that wanting to be an actor is just a fairy tale dream that isnt possible and stuff with my parents throwing things at me and just very stressful. and idk i do feel like giving up a lot lately im always begging the universe for some kind of sign of what im supposed to do or some kind of help from the universe but instead i just get nightmares of people telling me to give up. but i wont ill keep trying even if its hard

anyway thanks if you read all this. love you and hope yoyr days going well

[treatbuckywkisses]

so much is happening i want to scream:(

the way my job gives me so much anxiety it's not even funny. that place is a fucking disaster. i get told im going to be part time and im out here working 40hrs a week, and i dont even get my second break usually like im supposed to. there aren't enough people in the department i work in and they pull people from it for other departments anyway. one of our team leads basically told us all our sections looked like shit tonight and he was going to walk us though it and make us tell him everything we did wrong. i was stuck somewhere else for most of my shift and couldn't work on my section, so when i tell you i was so scared dude you don't even fucking know lmao i literally cried because I'm still new and i didn't want them to think i did a bad job or im not cut out for it or whatever. and he never even showed up. he said it to "scare us into doing our work" and im so mad about it. i almost threw up for that ??

im so fucking tired and dehydrated and it's so hot in there i barely even eat on my lunch break and when i get home after my 8hr shift. i can't tell if im losing weight (unhealthy obvi) or if i have looked like this and didn't know lol so i just try not to look at myself if i can help it bc what.

i never really know what i look like, but when i do, it's ugly and i hate it.

also im working on moving into an apartment (i say 'me' but im not alone sgsksh) idk living is hard yk it's a lot and it's stupid and where my stuff is im not even staying bc sarah is a fucking bitch for no reason and i will hurt her feelings if she looks at me so yeah there's like so much shit happening and I'm so overwhelmed like hello i can actually only do so much pls why

anyways i am really tired and i want to cry and sleep forever and ever:( is this what happens when you keep things 'bottled up' lol

omg also? i haven't gotten my period yet like since April and im 🥴🤨 bc where is she yk and then im like babe you're literally a ball of fucking stress and anxiety please take a Xanax but back to stress im so worried i will get my period on my 8hr shift with nothing and i don't drive myself so that is like extra fun yk wow

the way i have never talked so much and i do it like this where nobody will read it sgskdgd this is who i am as a person irl though so congrats if u read this ig hello

also since I'm fucking word vomiting i guess and ive already come to terms with how nobody will read this, i hate this place. like tumblr i mean. idk it just like sucks to feel like you deserve more than you get yk and i actually am allowed to say that. my moodboards do not do nearly as good as i would like to think they would when i make them and it sucks. because believe it or not i start out thinking they're so pretty and the lack of interaction makes me doubt my own abilities and i hate that. and how I have so many "followers" with the amount of notes i get LOL what a joke actually. especially when they're also content creators. why are you even following me then yk like i only provide one thing and you don't even seem to like it so what are you doing here. it's annoying honestly. how can a content creator be the one not giving support. smh.

i think i need to go to sleep bc idk what i just said and if anyone reads this i feel like ppl will be mad at me so that's where I'm at lolllllll i h8 myself <3

#fayth using her blog as a diary #but fr this time #this is a diary entry #oops #tw body image #?? #body dysmorphia tw #kinda but I'm tagging it just to be safe ? #does that make sense #me asking like anyone will read this anyways LMAO #im too funny sometimes #will prob delete #again not like anyone will read it #so im out here talking to myself #lol #fayth rambles #ignore me #long post #actual bullshit nonsense

[salaciousslut]

Youre making me blush 🫣 now i gotta get strong enough to lift up a full grown adult its only right ☺️ and good! Im glad its not too cold!! Tho it sucks you cant get all dolled up in your winter clothes :( where im at we dont have much humidity so its been real cold for those born and raised here (i have been freezing tbh)

You have no clue how needy that made me, please bite me and leave marks everywhere holy fuck <3 and jesus christ youre so precious, like i feel a bit evil for the things i wanna do to you 🥺

Well! I hate to say it but if i get you drunk enough to pass out I'll still force my strap in you. But don't worry on missing out, you'll get a video of it anyways 🥰 I'll make sure you'll see how nice my cock looks in your pussy <33 only thing that sucks is that i cant cum in your pretty passed out body and i want to so fucking badly 🫣

Im also a floor person!!! Its actually so smart that you have a lil nook for yourself, like im jealous i didnt have that idea 😭 do u name your stuffed animals?? I wanna know bc I do >:3

I love that crocheting has become stress relief for you!! I like when creative outlets are also emotional ones like that makes me happy. You got a practical skill that also helps you out i am looking at you with love in my eyes and admiration in my heart 🥰

Tbh my favorite part of the day was getting back home, my job is literally so boring!! As for my intrests im a huge dork tbh. I love video games and Hades is my favorite game at the moment. Im also a huge animation buff, i love anything animated from short films on youtube to anime to fucking BoJack Horseman (i love that show, and u can kill me for that). And i also have strange interests like theology, religion is just so interesting to me. Oh and last lil fun fact abt me that i can think of: I almost went to college to double major in psychology and comp sci.

nooooo let me keep you warm then!!! im like w lil toaster oven with how warm i get. some come over!!! but i feel you! im not meant for the cold.

i loveeee evil!! i support evil!! i love being a chew toy and repaying the gift!!

ughhhhh please i would watch that video over and over again!!! plus i wanna watch it with u hehehe!!and we can try hard babe because its gonna happen, we gonna get u to cum in me dont worry. scientists will figure it out. ill figure it out!!

come to my nook then hehehe!! i can fit one more person!! and no i dont name them. im sooo baf with names so i just stick to their official government names. but now i wanna know the names of your stuffed animals!!

omg what if i told u i loveeeee watching other people play video games?? its literally my fav pass time and i just really like all the graphics without actually having to put in effort to try and win. so i feel like that goes hand in hand with animation right?? idk i just love visuals sm but i love that u love them!

omg sooo cool! religion is such an interesting topic so i would totally listen to u with heart eyes too!!

hehe i love psych!!! i have a psych minor and those were some of my fav classes!! i wanna teach u about them now

#ci answers #butch my beloved

[strwberriehore]

Sometimes I assume I can’t do something until I see someone less capable than me doing it

Like damn if you can…

Im so dehydrated if I gave a blow job id get friction blisters on the inside of my throat and probably bleed ripping the skin off. Start a damn fire it’s so dry have me looking like a dragon, am I going too far again?? I feel like the dryness in my throat gets like itchy and makes me cough and it makes my uvula dry like the gag reflex thing and I start to like feel it or something idk and I start gagging and coughing just cause I’m dehydrated

Not like I’ll live long enough where my looks will matter, if you die young enough your environment didn’t make you ugly yet

my poor skin, this is why I need a bath so I can soak like the mormans (that’s basically like like cuddling but even closer) because it’s nice to feel connected to your partner, their penis is like an umbilical cord connecting us, and we become one. i like to be very close and affectionate if I really like you, LOL why am I making jokes, maybe because I don’t care about anything anymore, except my cats. Cats are serious…

For mormans soaking is sex but for me soaking is better cuddling. Could you fall asleep like that? I wonder… why is that cute/romantic to me LOL I’d be like aww he wants to be super close to me

I’m rambling what’s wrong with me ugh how do I make a fucking joke and then immediately say how I’m ready to kill myself LOL

It helps cheer me up, give me a fucking break can I not be miserable for a few seconds? Be uncomfortable!!! Aren’t you fucking laughing?!? Aren’t I fucking funny?!? Hahaha! I have nothing to live for! Nothing matters we’re ALL going to die!

Or maybe more people need to master the art of denial when it comes to bad news. When reality is too painful I’m not sure what else you can do . Denial helps with shock and as time passes it’s easier to process

(Obviously not life or death but fuck Botox would do a lot for me right now) 

Also my ma said she still wants to force me to take pills and will watch it take it. Like biiiiiitch I will force myself to throw up every single day if I have to. Idc if the stomach acid giving me throat cancer from burning a hole in my esophagus. You can’t win. Are you willing to die to win? I am ! Feels like I’m already dead so making it real won’t make a difference. Me killing myself doesn’t feel like losing either, I can’t lose if I escape and if I die that’s the ultimate escape, 5 star resort in the back of my fucking mind, the access key for this place isn’t a card it’s a bullet. Then I’m on a permanent vacation 🤩 no fear stress worry pain or any other strong negative emotion, and no more getting hurt or attacked no more bad news, true freedom. No judgement or crying, I’m so sick and tired of crying. I mean no good things either but the only good I can think of are my cats and they have maybe hopefully 15 years left?? One is older by like 4 years.

I’d rather kill myself than lose my privacy and free will…trying to force me to take random pills? NAH

Being around my parents doesn’t do any good, they’re bad people and that’s just not going to change. A fist fight already happened. It just won’t work.

Holy shit it feels like no amount of water helps or lotion because my poor skin omg 😭 and I read your brain is more than half water so dehydration hurts it too and it makes your blood thick making blood clots much more likely

The nurse is still in me lol

Am I a hypochondriac??

[teddy-feathers]

so.

we assigned fucking days to do our laundry. i wanted Saturday. friend said theyd do it friday mom took sunday. aunt eva bitched because when she starts working shell need a weekend too so moved me to Friday. a day where at the time we both worked. regularly stay up till 3 am to do laundry. because when i dont and say leave it in the dryer my aunt is kind enough to restart the dryer.... and point out that im intruding on her day - a day where shes going out grocery shoping with mom anways.

aunt eva a year later is like well why not do it Thursday? then youre not both doing it on the same day make it easier. come home the next Thursday. drag clothes upstairs. aunt eva is using the wash. go back down stairs. fuck it.

fast foward to today. friend does not work friday. still doesn't usually start their laundry until i get home/ forgets to continue laundry after starting/ aunt eva does some laundry before friend starts theirs and leaves it in the machine. which is fair because sometimes i still do the same to her because staying up till three is bullshit.

to be fair we fixed the machine and now it dries in two to three cycles depending on th load instead of three to five. so maybe it wouldnt take that long idk.

i had a stressful very low sleep week. i said fuck my laundry im going to bed. told friend to please finish their laundry dont worry about mine. ill do it Monday. its Christmas and technically no ones day (though on three day weekends my parents sometimes push back doing their laundry until the last day but i was fucking tired so) friend is like your aunt will have an annyruism im doing your laundy too. my friend does not do good at getting up every forty minutes to check laundry but its too late im exhausted and theyve started it.

wake up. my laundry is still in the dryer. my aunt will probably make some comment. probably about it not being right or fair

how do i say back like its right or fair that she can do laundry whenever she wants including on our days? without being a bitch.

how is it right that ive got to stay up until three am after being up at five, working all day, getting shitty sleep, because even when she comes up with an alternate plan, she cant help but assert her laundry dominance or something? how is it right that my parents can move their laundry day back a day when they feel like it but god forbid i go out to run other errands on laundry day even though she does on hers because i might not get my laundry done on a day i *share* with another person. How is it fair she is doing her laundry all week and on the weekened when she *doesnt* have a job *hasnt* had a job or needed a job for the past two years so doesnt go through half as many clothes as we do but somehow we're expected to get our sheets as well as our normal laundry done regularly and not just when we happen to be off on friday.

like. im so fucking tired. i got eight hours of sleep easy. wouldve gotten more but i was worried about the fucking laundry not getting finished without me doing it.

and then thing is that as soon as i said fuck it if it doesnt ill just have to deal with that and laid down because i was so tired it was making me sick... i atarted worrying my mom and especially my aunt would hate their gift again.

im just. so fucking over it all.

[bowserpunk-vevo]

just me venting here, dont worry about reading

i have no safety or comfort in life rn, aside from my lovely partner in crime and my own self... and its pretty shitty, and idk how long i have to do this for... but its pretty cool that ive gotten to a point where i can somewhat deal with it, and basically... once im done with this part of my life, i will full on be an unstoppable force unable to be bested by any challenge... and frankly, thats the main thing thats motivating me to keep going. ive dealt with life all by myself, with no one by my side, in a stressful environment, having to keep cool enough to fulfil my forced role for the past 23 years, and i fully intend to keep at it no matter what, i just have to be dramatic for a bit here. and i fully intend to find a way to somehow get myself in a better life... somehow... i'll figure it out :)

also since im already venting... im really really proud of myself, cuz i managed to somewhat thrive despite it all :0 like i beat social anxiety, and my depressions only shows up during pmdd, and all that other good stuff.... but... to be honest, i felt really weak these past 3 months. its extra upsetting to exist rn, and there doesnt seem to be a way out in my close future...

that being said, im looking for ways to make money now :0 i dont think i can work a real job, even tho im good with socializing, my autism still prevents me from doing anything consistently, and rn im so burnt out that i dont think i could do it even if i normaly could... but i cant think of anything i could do that would get me more money than i get from my disability payment thing, and also be a consistant income. plus my mother would never let me get a job... cuz of my history of not being able to be consistant with responsibilities. i cant sell art, cuz consistency. i cant offer a service, cuz no skill....

anyways, i'll figure it out eventually, no worries :)

i hope :I

in any case, my lovely partner in crime is a godsend, and i am forever grateful for his existance :) he sure does make it a nicer experience, and ah... i have no words...

[nar-nia]

hi!

wow.

omg, its been so long since i spoke to you but a lot of happened in my life kinda (as well as yours from what i saw)

first of all, CONGRATULATIONS on finishing uni!!!!!!! im proud and happy for u!!! u worked hard and it paid off!! and wow, bakery?? that sounds so amazing!!!! like straight up bakery/coffee shops au!!! must be super fun and probably always smells rly good there!! i hope ure having tons of fun!!! and that ure eating lots of cake duh

for me, idk if u remember but i passed that oral exam!!! i did it in the beginning of september!! and i felt relieved and euphoric about it! and now the new semester (so my second year ) starts soon and…… i feel so anxious about going back, talking to people, all the stress and constant anxiety, and the fact that im still questioning whether this was the right thing to study and the lingering feeling that all my friends have it figured  out already with the life and im kinda stuck. like when its right u know? but idk ??

but on a more positive note? my summer was rly great overall so i hope urs was too!!!! im no longer a teenager tho 20 hits hard - especially after olivia rodrigos new album lmaoo

hee has purple hair now and he looks soooooo good!! ALSO  i read jakes and jays fics u posted and they were so nice, omg like???  :((( like made me realize how much i missed ur blog and u!!!!!!!!!!!

i love you, wishing u all the best always!!!!!!!!!!

                            -beloved anon wow it feels good to write it again!! <333

OMG HELLOOOO 🥺🥺🥺 it's been so long, i missed you so much. how are youu <333

please i'm so happy about finally finishing uni, it felt so long and annoying in the end. but now i already kinda miss it 😭

working in the bakery is.. interesting. it's definitely what i want to do in life, the other day i spent the whole workday just making cakes without anyone bothering me and i loved it so so much, but it's also hard and really stressful (which is why i am replying so late and i'm really sorry, first i got sick and then i got hit with a workload again 🥲). i have to do work that's supposed to be for like 4 other people and it's something 😶 let's manifest that they will find more workers soon because this is way too stressful for me (and my coworkers, i haven't seen them smiling in the past two weeks anymore, it's a bit scary). but enough complaining 🫡 the work itself is fun and the food is so good 🫠🫠 apart from onion cake/pie, i have to do it all myself and i swear i haven't stopped smelling like onions those past few weeks 💀

okay but now to you! CONGRATULATIONS ON PASSING YOUR EXAM 🥳🥳🥳 you did so well and i hope you're really proud of yourself 🥺🩷 and best of luck for your second year, i'm sure you will do as amazing as before 🩷

i'm sorry that you feel so nervous about it though. i have to be back in school to become a baker too now and i was so nervous on my first day, i got sick like right after 💀 and my class really is something (not necessarily positive but there are really nice people too). buuut i hope that your classmates are the nicest people you have ever met and that you will have lots of fun this year, you deserve it. and of course lots of amazing grades in your exams 🩷 i think if this bakery thing has thought me one thing is that it's okay to not know what you want yet. i think i have found my place now (although not necessarily in this bakery) but it took me a while to figure it out too. and in our bakery we have two people who tried lots of different stuff too before they settled on training there. so please try not to worry too much for now, i'm sure it will all work out well for you 🥺🩷

but i'm so glad your summer was nice <33 mine was full of job applications and moving but i still enjoyed it a lot (oh i miss the time where i could stay up all night and sleep in and not start work at 4am 💀) and happy belated birthday, omg <33 welcome to your twenties, it's a wild ride 😍

i missed you so so much too, i'm glad you liked my stories but even happier you had time to check in 🩷 but yes, hee 🫠🫠 wow. i love him (although he's not the only one anymore, can you believe?? jay has been bias wrecking me so hard i am so close to making him my second bias. that guy has me BLUSHING)

i hope you are doing well despite it all and will continue to do well 🩷 you deserve the best and you should get it. i love youuu 🩷🩷🩷

#beloved anonie 💖 #my loves ❤️ #talk that talk 📣