#idk this isnt meant to be sad just to remember

[spiderton]

makoai is sad on all fronts i think we can all agree. anyway lets talk about karmen makoai

#saddest thing is that makomen literally DIED for aimen the moment that it hit #and kind of sad how theure just a reminder of the past games events hitting you in the head #its like. dont you remember what you did to them? and not hey #isnt it kinda fucked up how you murdered innocent bodyguards who were in love? or something #but it all.comes back to the zigotons #the only karmend that i feel you are meant to sympathize with are only rhere to make you sympathize or remember the zigotons #idk why im thinking stipid meta wise abut this

[35gofbeansprouts]

💭.

#writing this before i forget it that was the coolest dream ever #it started with just taking to high school friends on likeee. dark mode msn?? #and then idk exactly how it happened but i accidentally invited kasabian to my house n for some reason they actually came #only serge and ian were like actually In my dream tho #ian was cranky and didnt hang around much but me and serge were best friendsies and it was so cool #i dont remember details 😖😖😖 but they thought i was rly cool and impressive and i was having a lot of fun #and then like. serge set fire to a clothes drawer in my house #the fire was inside the drawer and gets bigger when you open it #some guy was sleeping with one hand inside the drawer (normal according to dream lore) #and he moved in his sleep and pulled the drawer open and the fire grew #for some reason i went somewhere else and when i came back the fire was put out it was rly easy #and i found this sticky note from serge on the drawer and it forget what it said but #he wanted us to know he did it on purpose but it was meant to be easy to put out #but somehow it was just this mysterious thing i wanted to figure out #like it was a riddle he left for me #but everyone else was really angry at the whole band and it was like #that triggered ppl to start finding out some shady shit like the band was supporting the coal industry (???) #and everyone was so angry at them and cancelled them and i was so sad and hurt and some ppl felt sorry for me like i got bullied #that isnt enough to ruin the vibes of the rest of the dream tho !! me and serge became besties really fast and it was so cool and fun

[gibbearish]

i will say also one thing ive noticed with the cake smash debate is by and large (and esp in wedding situations), women tend to hate it and men tend to be the ones who think its turbo hilarious and the women are being big whiny babies and can't take a joke. just food for thought

#esp bc for the wedding ones. its always the bride getting it done to them. yknow the one who spent the most on that days makeup and outfit #out of anyone there? and therefore already has the most to lose practically if say something like a cake were to ruin it? #and also is one of the two people that day is intended to celebrate? who wants to remember this day as a beautiful #happy occasion‚ not one where she got her dress ruined and had to miss part of her own reception to try to clean off? #that bride? #idk i just. physically cannot imagine how these ppls brains work #how do you genuinely prioritize 'smash cake in face funnie' over Getting To Marry The Person You Claim To Love #or just traditions in general i cannot wrap my brain around those #like doing them i can get its fun to have silly little human rituals. but when you start to prioritize those rituals over #the comfort of other people who dont want to participate in it thats where you lose me. we get to 'they dont want to do it' and #i immediately go 'ok so dont make them. problem solved' #'but weve been doing it for years' ok and? skip a year youll live #its a ritual you do for fun not necessity #like this is a nonissue. where is the problem. it doesnt have to be done and it makes them uncomfortable. #so how the FUCK do people keep insisting that they do have to do it!!! #like literally no they dont! they just dont like this isnt a debate youre just straight up wrong!! #if the only negative consequence to not doing a thing that makes someone uncomfortable is 'ill be a little bit sad #about not getting to do it' genuinely from the bottom of my heart shut the fuck up forever and deal with it #that is not a real consequence. that is the minorest of inconveniences. #hm correction to earlier tag idk why i put 'skip a year' what i meant was 'do it without them'

[fallowfield]

Mama was ALWAYS about being trans bitch!!! lets get you some fruit.

#crops #'its not about being trans its abt WAR!!!!!!' snk. phht. okay sure. /sarc #im sorry im listening to three cheers rn and im thinking abt the sheer amt of ppl who tried to force trans folks to apologize #like there is a line that literally is 'you shouldve raised a baby girl i shouldve been a better son' bestie if that isnt trans idk what is #thats exactly how i felt whenever i experienced internalized transphobia and dysphoria as guilt when i was a kid!!!! #i remember at one point i made up a story in my head abt a trans man and a trans woman who fell in love and he went to war #and died during leaving his beautiful wife-to-be longing to be married to him despite her being an heiress and him being an urchin #it was really specifically focused on that line and it meant a lot to me at the time. i wanted to write something sad + beautiful #because at the time i was really bad in my depression but saw beauty in the world nonetheless just not in me and my life

[aropride]

NO SERIOUSLY hp fans will hear "jk rowling is bad and theres a lot of racism in the series" and then go and defend that its not racist because of the blood purity aspect and how it "deconstructs that" when it literally never does and do you HEAR YOURSELF YOURE TALKING ABOUT BLOOD PURITY. POINT A AND POINT B ARE RIGHT THERE AND YOURE NOT CONNECTING THEM.

sorry as a former fan of the series and a trans person with reading comprehension ive had to have way too many conversations about hp recently and its driving me up a wall. merry christmas ^_^

hi im late answering this sorry i went 2 eat dinner and then forgot to respond BUT LITERALLY!!! i watched shaun's harry potter video last night and there is SO much racism in that series- way more than i remembered and i remembered a LOT. like. the fucking house elves just in general and how hermione is treated as an annoyance for saying "hey maybe we should not keep a certain race as slaves and treat them as inferior and say they like being slaves" and how the slavery and bigotry and general shittiness of the system of the wizarding world isnt resolved at all but it "ends happily ever after" like NO IT DOESNT? not for anyone but the white main characters who become cops and shit because those systems of oppression are still in place after the series ends and that's. framed as a good thing? because jkr is like, incapable of realizing that sometimes The Whole System needs to change rather than just the people in charge. and you'd think it'd be pretty easy to figure that out when the system is literally built on slavery and racism, but. well she's racist and just an idiot, so.

it's like she knows "racism is wrong" and "bigotry is wrong" as statements and tries to show that in her work by having, like, a muggle-born wizard do well in classes, or a strong woman who's still feminine or whatever, or having the wizard racists be the bad guys, but she doesn't understand WHY racism and bigotry are wrong and awful so she ends up supporting those things in every other aspect of the narrative that isn't a direct intentional allegory for those things and half the time also when it is!

like idk i read the books the first time when i was 10 or so and even then i was like. "hey why is slave labor glamorized in this kid's book i'm reading? that's kinda fucked up!" or like "it's kinda weird that sometimes the Good Guys do fucked up stuff but it's fine because they're Good, isn't doing a bad thing still bad if you're on the good side?" or "why are characters being fat treated as something that makes them a Bad Person / a signifier that they are Bad People" or again: Why is there slavery in the wizard books! why is it rationalized with "they like being slaves" and "they're sad if they can't be slaves!" or "tricking them into not being slaves would be more cruel than enslaving them in the first place" (<- real thing that was on the pottermore website !)

side note, but why was jkr trynig to talk about things like slavery and racism and blood purity and nazi ideology in a fantasy series meant for children anyway. that feels.. incredibly unnecessary and weird. <- leaving this in for transparency but someone sent me an ask that made me rethink this & i do think it's important for those subjects to be addressed in fiction, even fiction meant for children, as they're already experiencing those things & sheltering them does them a disservice. jkr approached it very badly and the story would have been better off without her attempt at exploring it but in general it's not a bad things to address those things in fiction

and not to mention the way most of the characters who weren't white and british were stereotypical caricatures and even their fucking names-- kingsely shacklebolt, anthony goldstein, and cho chang come to mind-- that speaks for itself, really

and the antisemitism that's present through all of the books. the blood purity and the fucking goblins.. jkr why are your goblins identical to antisemitic caricatures and why do they run the underground banks, answer quick and then kill yourself please! like maybe it wasn't intentional but it's still incredibly fucked up and to my knowledge she hasn't spoken about it or apologized at all.

and that's not even to mention the transphobia. which is only slightly present in the books (Bad People who are women are depicted with masculine traits fairly frequently) but as we all know jkr is a raging transphobe with far too much influence over trans legislation in britain and believes everyone who supports her work supports her transphobia. also she allies with far-right activists and people who ally with the far-right far too frequently like literally any of that should cause people to want to drop her and harry potter in general

though even if that weren't a factor at all. personally i wouldn't want to support or engage with hp at all because of All The Racism. and fatphobia and abuse apologism and ableism and misogyny and antisemitism and homophobia and queer baiting and Oh Yeah, the racism again! like i'm embarassed to have ever been a fan of it and supported it like genuinely idk why i was comfortable engaging with it despite All Of That. granted i didnt pick up on everything when i was 10-12 but even the stuff i did understand as a kid was gross and i wish i'd stopped reading it and engaging with it the second i realized that

sorry for writing an entire essay there is a lot to hate abt that damn series !and merry christmas LOL may you never have to hear about hp ever again 🙏

(ID: two dark red banners with black text meant to look like it's dripping. the first reads "harry potter fans fuck off" and the second reads "ter-fs fuck off too". end ID)

#do u like my banners im not bothering to censor this so they are my first line of defense against wizard book likers #second line is Well i shan't say but it would get me suspended on twitter for threats or something probably #ask #sinsear-aisteach #anti harry potter #racism tw #slavery tw #nazi tw #transphobia tw #hp tw #fuck jkr

[mangosmoothiepussyv3]

im about to be so cringe hold on

also spoilers for fma brotherhood lol

you just get overwhelmed with emotions by the thought of your self ship???

like okay i self ship with greed from fma and i have two main aus for it (but theres more aus that exist bcus i cant stop thinking abt scenarios and circumstances)

theres one au which i call the sad au (which isnt to say that the other au is particularly happy)

i call it the sad au bcus my self insert knew the original greed and worked at his bar and they weren't dating per se but they cuddled and fucked and he treated her basically as a sugar baby with deep feelings

anyways she manages to survive the devils nest massacre (and a lot of bad stuff happens to her but not the point)

so stuff happens and she ends up being there for greed to be reincarnated through ling and shes like! ecstatic!

only to be crushed by the realization that he has no memories of his previous life so he doesn't remember her

like, shes so heartbroken about it! bcus the time spent with original greed meant everything to her but he cant remember the connection they had!

also in this au, bido wasnt the one to trigger greeds memories, it was her (she survived him trying to kill her due to....reasons. i wont explain here) so now she has a scar on her stomach which adds extra angst when they become a couple

he eventually remembers her!

i was gonna say more but im tired lol

idk where i was going with this, i was just filled with so much emotion for this dumb little au

if you actually read all of this....wowie zowie thank you! this mustve been so boring im sorry-

#personal #cringe on main

[ddddaikon]

Cant sleep insomnia trauma posting time because maybe ill get some rest if i get it off my chest??

Anyways like my mom is dying, and im not really sad about it because shes 77 and honestly I'm not close to her at all. The annoying thing is that I keep remembering things from when I was a kid and suddenly understanding some way in which she was shitty

Like a non exhaustive list:

-when i was a teenager and had breakdowns and she lied and told me that the landlord said we couldnt stay any longer because i was too loud (we were renting a house and the house was next to an elementary school gymnasium. We had no neighbors.)

-my mom would literally be able to spend $100 in a single store buying curtains (this isnt an exaggeration) but she wouldnt spring for more than $20 for an mp3 player that couldnt hold more than a max of 20 songs and only last a month at a time before it broke

-she loved spending money on useless impulsive shit and like yeah i can understand that i have impulse problems too but she constantly lied to avoid doing anything for me or my brother. At one point she became obsessed with a fucking mail order catalogue and decided to put in an order for $100+ of random cheap garbage. The one thing i wanted was a little fairy statue that i was into and my mom supposedly called in the order and that one thing was mysteriously sold out!

-me and my brother got identical cd players for christmas that year, from the same fucking catalogue, and mine was so poorly made it literally caught on fire. Rather than asking for it to be replaced she ended up calling customer service and straight up lying about it never coming in the mail??? Idk how she ever got a refund, it had been at least 3 months.

-(these things all sound weirdly dated but it was only like 2008, we just lived in the middle of nowhere and it was like a decade behind. The only available internet was dial up)

-she decided to pick up and move from wisconsin to virginia despite having no money to do so. She cracked into a savings thing of like 5k that was meant for me for college (lol). No shit, she went to the casino like a week after she got the money, the money was suddenly gone, and when i asked where it went she just said "its gone" implying that someone stole it. When pressed as to how someone could steal 5k she didnt physically have on her person, she would only insist "its gone"

-in high school i was getting ready to take my SATs and they cost something like $60 but money was consistently tight. We were at a fucking kmart when there was a bizarre announcement over the speakers about a special presentation in the store and it was some dude pedaling cheap jewelry. My mom put in a drawing for some kind of prize but the prize was pretty obviously a bid to purchase a $70 bag full of ugly plastic garbage jewerly. She immediately agreed to purchase this shit and i was like wait no mom youre not going to be able to afford my SAT fee, and she told me it was no big deal to wait another month. And then later yelled at me for embarassing her

Its just like all of this stuff still makes me mad and its compounding with work stress and stress from general tasks that feel paralyzing because of everything else making me lose sleep. Bah!!!

#i make poost #long post

[paranormal-potatoes]

who wants some stuff from the modern werewolf au i was writing for bloodborne and now has dark souls in it. just kidding you're getting it anyways.

will i ever post the actual fics? who knows. anyways. ornsteins a werecat bc i think its funny, artorias is a werewolf bc its funny, ciaran's a witch and gough is the lone nonmagical human. they are still knights or whatever. idk. rien is the chosen undead who is not currently undead and reardon was going to be a one-off dude who was overstepping his position and now he and rien constantly bitch at each other

this isnt meant to be good btw. this is me having fun. i dont really care about it being in character right now. anyways. enjoy these snippets. or dont.

---

"It isn't the arguing that's the problem. It's that the recruit gets into brawls and then bites people. It's–"

The rusty water scent Ornstein now associates with Rien Askes, current pain in his ass, drifts down the hallway. He focuses on the shuffling footsteps, gauging where Askes is.

"Askes. If you're trying to push Reardon down the stairs again, you're going on probation."

After a few moments he hears a quiet, "Fuck."

He shakes his head. "Go help in the Armory. Before I assign you to help Captain Ciaran with testing her spells."

---

Sif tilts her head at Gwyndon, then looks to Artorias. He kneels so he's eye level with her.

"Sif, remember, you can't sit on everyone when they get too loud. It's not polite. You're almost 280 pounds. You will, unfortunately, smother most people."

Sif lets out a sad whine.

"I know, sweetheart, but if you smother them, they can't give you pets. If you smother them, it makes Ornstein sad, and if you make him too sad, he won't let me give you extra bacon."

Her tail swishes as she contemplates this. She does enjoy bacon.

"And it will make Ornstein upset and if he's too upset, he won't let me give you any bacon."

She looks at Ornstein.

"He's right. You can't have bacon if you smother anyone."

---

"Five dollars says Rien bit Reardon again."

Ornstein sighs. "Ciaran, stop betting on a guard injuring a lieutenant."

"You're right. It's almost certainly what happened. You think the biting is what Reardon meant by fatalistic tendencies?"

"I don't know, why don't you ask while patroling with them?"

She groans dramatically. "No, please, they're so stupid together. It's constant snipping and arguments."

"Unfortunate."

#potato writes fic #anyways. enjoy. or dont. #ch: ornstein #ch: rien askes #ch: sif #ch: artorias #ch: ciaran #rel: artorias & ornstein #rel: artorias & ciaran & ornstein #rel: artorias & sif #rel: ornstein & sif #hello ornstein artorias ciaran and sif tags #dont mind me #im just sitting in the corner of this sandbox having fun with the characters #im a sucker for giant dogs and traguc heroes who succumb to what they fought #and also (apparently) almost 11ft tall guys in armor 😳 #altho i think its mostly the armor #no its both. im like 5'6'' so that is. a big height difference #potato rambles in tags #there is artorias/ornstein going on in this fic but not really implied in these bits #but its there #and artorias + ciaran + gough + ornstein are very close. like i would maybe classify them as queerplatonic but idk yet #they basically live in each others pockets though. and in each others homes

[ltlemon]

here's me live-blogging episode 8 of OFMD for funzies (I have a feeling this episode might kill me) (oh and spoiler warning)

oh...oh no...is he sad...

ok a little but as least he's appreciating nature

hes so cute

aw no bbg

☹️

HEE

oh that's a nice title card

wow Ricky is a bastard

kinda cunty.

oh so she is alive!!

OH STEDE YOU BASTARD

EEEEEEE HE FUCKJINF POUNCED ON THEM

OH. OH NO.

OH GOD ED.

D:

...

WHAT?? how were they literally right there???

hi izzy <3

oh Izzy's next to candles once again. what's with that? has anyone done a theory on that yet?

aww <33 it's about belonging to something... <33

IT'S ABOUT FINDING THE FAMILY TO KILL FOR WHEN YOURS ARE LONG DEAD !!

IT'S ABOUT LETTING GO OF YOUR EGO FOR SOMETHING LARGER, THE CREW !!!!

HAH HOLY SHIT

stede's letter actually got to land! maybe not in the hands that it was meant to though.

!!!!!!!!!

GET FUCKING SHOULDER STABBED HOMOPHOBE

HES READING IT AS HES CHOKING A GUY OUTYDGCGHBCAS

AEWW HIS LITTLE SOPPING WET CAT EYES <3333

'this is lovely' 🥺 'YOU WROTE ME A LOVELY LETTER' 😡

GO STEDE GO !! SCAMPER !!

OH OH OH I KNOW WHERE THIS ISSSS

THIS IS IT BOYS THIS IS THAT ONE BEACH SCENE FROM THE PROMOS ISNT IT

IT'S HAPPENING!!

YEAHHHH!!!!!

YES!!!!

AAAAAAGhHHHHHH THE FUCKN KISAYCUWDBWSC

THEY WENT IN FOR A SECONDHUDEOHSBAK

awww the little look into each others eyes they're so sweet <333

meanwhile, Zhengs literally fighting for her life back there

oh wow auntie Is Not Doing Good

olu calling for jim 🥺

aww ed's complimenting her <33

eeee they're bonding !!

oh my god stede stop

AWW

he called him babe 🥺 just like in stede's dreams 🥺🥺

Izzy's just sitting there trying not to laugh

WHOAA GET HIM !!

UE!

'ooh there's a lot of them.' 😬

SHE POISON TRAINED THE SWEDE WITHOUT HIM EVEN KNOWING HOLY SHIT

aww

that's all Zheng's ever really wanted to hear from her

UE!!

YEAH JIM AND ARCHIE KISS AGAIN YES!!

oh my god they all look so cute

did izzy get shot??? and just take it like that????

grade A espionage though

yeah he did!! holy shit dude, wow.

oh oh ed's helping him...!! <33

oh no bbg's dying from the blood loss

??????

NO WE'RE NOT DOING THIS

NOT NOW

NONONONONONO

I WAS JOKING

WHAT

FUCK

'he was a fucking nightmare. what a guy'

he just started to heal he just got fully accepted into the crew

AGHH

yes please do murder Ricky :)))

idk if ed's gonna be super gung-ho for that though he kinda just got over doing that sorta stuff so...

WHOA WE'RE GOING STRAIGHT TO THE MARRIAGE OK

these last few minutes are really speed running our emotions

!! the whole crew is marrying them !!

EEE EDS LOOK AT STEDEABADHYAGBKEH

they're officially maties 🥺

gotta love gay pirate marriage :'))

!!

oh my god. they're not on the ship. are they... doing what I think they're doing

YES. YES. HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

THEYRE INNKEEPERS THEN??? RIGHT???? PLEASE????

YEAH!!!!!

OH MY GOD IT'S A FIXER-UPPER IT'S GOT GOOD BONES LIKE THEM AAAAAA

'maybe there's a feral animal or something we can cook up for dinner'

I'm going insane

HOLY SHIT IZZYS IN THEIR YARD???? THEY SETTLED DOWN WITH HIM!! They're together forever 🥺

wow...

okay.

there's gotta be an after credits to this right

please

YES!

aww, cute <3

wow ok hot diggity damn that was a lot.

and I just remembered that that's the end of season 2 so :))

wow.

hm.

that was a lot.

#ofmd #random #rare text post #lemon's live blogs

[meteormoss]

idk what else to say abt it but like. i kinda always half read tags & summaries espwcialy when its like late fpr me so i kinda was like went into it with not much idea abt what was going on but immediately i was like oh etho dead? cleo coming for funeral? and then i was like oh maybe etho has been dead for a while and i like that a lot of theings were just so ambigious and idk if this was like meant to be implied but it was kinda like etho death accident. or on pupouse. yknow. and thw small details of like bdubs not knowing what cleo liked anymore bc like. hes still stuck there in the past with this old idealised version of her. back wen things were 'good' (they werent good but he thinks theyre better than now but also nostaligia is a bitch) god i just. uagh. and then bdubs & joel having sex abt it all. sad people who r greiving finding comfort in each other in not a great way. but theyre greiving. - tfz (i like how i said i didnt know what else to say abt it and then said all. that. jdbsjd its late i ramble easily when its late)

The ambiguity was so intentional. Why elaborate when that person is supposed to (used to) know everything about you? They know all the codes and everything. They don't but you think they should. They dont care enough to tell you they dont know. AND THE IDEALIZED VERSION VS. THE REAL IS MY SHIT!! Bdubs thinks his thoughts in confidence but then cleo just doesnt line up and and and he's starting to doubt how right he is but he refuses to be in the wrong so he just shuts it down. The bdubs and joel one night stand was not in the original plot and it occurred to me and it was just so genius and oh my gosh i love this story so much!!

The bracelets mean so much to me. Not many people notice them and I didn't overuse their metaphor. But! The bracelets are friendship bracelets from a long time ago. Now, it isnt logical for bdubs' to have lasted this long but suspension of disbelief and all that. Cleo cut hers off, she intentionally rid herself of them. I think I mentioned that? Ethos fell off, slipped over his hand one day (i didn't mention this) (this is both a metaphor for his self destructive addictions and habits/deteriorating health and for how bdubs and cleo slipped out of his life). and bdubs' are still on his wrist, frayed and faded, but still there. He refuses to get rid of them just as he refuses to let go of the versions he's half remembering mostly creating of them. It's just such a detail to me that i get the perk of knowing from being the author!!

ALSO!! The last chapter!! It's just so fucking mundane. It needed to be mundane. This isn't a big story about anything dramatic, it's just a story of reckless teens who turned into adults with issues and the repercussions of self destructive behaviors. They're just living, it's just a week in the life. Even if it was a really bad week. It wouldn't have made sense if I were to give it a big ending, or a fix it ending, but the ending still hurts because nothing changed. But it's essential that nothing changed. i am tearing it apart!!

#i am crying /pos i love people enjoying my art #you are the first person ive talked to that figured out etho was dead!!! #everyone else was like :O when that chapter got posted #tcpootw #we buried your bones in plywood

[throne-rose]

im just always tired. im tired of being the one who always does the dishes and the one noticing when things are dirty and having to be like "okay lets go we can do this" and just

idk im struggling too. im sad too. im trapped in a cycle of feeling guilty and awful and feeling like i cant stop being mean and im tired of it. i dont want to be alive anymore i haven't wanted to be alive in years and years and years. i can't stop thinking about my dead grandparents and i don't deserve to feel sad about that i never knew them they aren't people to me they're ideas and a handful of stories (and that's really only my dad's mom).

laura continues to be too blasé about death and dying and im tired of them never getting my name right im tired of them saying theyll help me change it and never following through im tired im tired im tired

im a compulsive liar and ive never been sad a day in my life and i cant remember i time i wasnt happy.

im tired of her going "oh can i have a hug 🥺" as if guilt and "i just really need one right now" isnt the reason i dont like touching her in the first place and i lied to her about that because i hated it i hate that memory i hate that its one i can't seem to forget i hate i wonder if i she'll stop crying if i kiss her and i want to forget it.

good and bad people dont really exist but have i ever been good. staying at my house for a few days was never intended to be something i held over their head, it was meant to be freely given, but i said they owed me anyway and i dont know why

maybe im just an entitled little piece of shit

i deserve to die lmao

[poolofthoughtsbyclaire]

Hi! You can call me Claire. It’s not my actual name tho. I’d like to hide my real identity by that name. You know, to keep things private.

Growing up, I was the type of person who’s life was known by the most. At least for me, I think. I’m the type of person who willingly shares every story of my life to a friend, schoolmate, and even to a stranger. I grew up having the feeling that I need to tell people what’s going on in my life and now that I have grown up, I realized that it wasnt right. I grew up with fear that people are judging me for what I do and who I am and so I put a lot of pressure on myself which resulted to a chaotic version of me.

I realized that life doesnt always have to be shared. People dont have to know what you’re up to? They wont even care! So why bother sharing?

Maybe because it made me relevant to those people I want in my life. But growing up, people leaving you is inevitable because that’s just how things work. People arent always meant to stay in your life, and it’s okay. Its okay, you’ll be fine. I grew up with people knowing little snippets of my life and built an image of me in their perspective without truly knowing the real me. They know certain things about me without learning the truth behind, the real story behind. And what’s sad is that, those people I was talking about are the people I have known to be my friends. (IDK if Im making sense right now, it’s currently 12:51 AM and im kinda sleepy typing this so I might have to edit this).

Despite troubles in the past, I have this urge within me to share my story. Not to influence others with my wrongdoings but to inspire, I guess? To let someone out there know that they are not alone. We might have different stories to tell but if you’re like me that finds it hard to cope up with life then I’m glad to tell you that you’re not alone in this dark world. Long story short, Im a problematic person who overshares every tiny details of her life to people who dont give a fuck about me and is now regretting that she did cus it turned out that they werent real to me but despite all those things she still wants to tell the world the life she lived just because she wants to be remembered for who she is. And that’s why I created this page.

Also, there are things that I wanted to remember as long as I live but my brain’s not doing its job anymore so Im placing it somewhere it can be preserved for a lifetime.

Few things to know about me is first, I’m not straight. I’ve tried to be but being fit to the social norm isnt really for me. So if you’re a homophobe, please leave this safe space 1of mine. Second, I’m closeted so, whatever written/posted here arent guaranteed to be known by all in my world. Let’s just say that people around me are mostly homophobe, including my family. So, if it so happens that you know me in the real world, do me a favor and never speak of this to anyone. Thank you! :) Third, I have a very disturbing and messy past. So, I figured that one of the reasons I made this page is for me to unfold mysteries of my life and somehow accept what it is or maybe overcome things that have been troubling me. Seriously, IDK.

#poolofthoughtsbyclaire #aboutme

[midnightmisadventures]

I had the cutest Liam dream ever ever like this is my fave im so happy

But i don’t remember the full thing cause it was several hours ago. But it was so cute, it (and im not kidding) was like the babe dream but if babe was just Liam (not in a wheelchair). 

So just try to fill in the details 

We were at chip but present day. And all of extended family was there, like any extended family that could be there was there.

At first though, i think before people got there. It was just me, bff, and him in the living room sleeping on air mattresses/the couches etc

And we were a little leftover high and watching movies and stuff all cuddly and warm (but separate). Well actually we werent cuddly and warm at first

Bff had something to make them warm, but Liam and i did not and it was cold in the house. So i was feeling like i’m cold right now, i know bff isnt but Liam probably is. And for some reason i was nervous to ask him lol. But i was like Liam are you cold, cause i am. And he was like ehh im okay, but then i said “i have two blankets right here!! and i can turn on the heat!” and he was like....well okay then yea i am cold i just didnt wanna say anything lmao. 

So i gave him the blue blanket with all the sports on it, like Dalvins old blanket. And i started going around and turning on the heat. But it was weird bc, i was looking for getzdawl dials but there was chip dials and it was confusing. Anyway, i turn on the heat and now we all have blankets and are cozy. 

And Liam was so cute he said “oh look at my blanket, it has sports on it!” and i was like “yeaaa this was always the blanket growing up where if there was a “boy” at a sleepover (like when was that?) my mom would give him it” 

So now we’re all cozy, and Liam is being sooo sweet. Like i saw i can always tell when he’s super soft and being a cutie, and when he talks to me and is extra nice and worried. 

Like i knew my mom was coming home soon, and i was wondering if we’d have time to pack another bowl before she got here, cause once she did we wouldnt be able to smoke. I remember it was 4:57pm on the clock. But i was also tired and trying to take a nap all day and catch up on sleep. 

So i was like “dammnnn i want to pack another bowl but i dont know if we’ll have time :(” and he was like “aww im sorry Arielle” but not in a patronizing way. Like he wasnt giving a solution but he was so sad to see me sad 3:33. And he would like come up behind me and rub my back and i felt so loved by him. There would be times where we would be standing real close and i slipped my hand into his, and i was nervous that he’d be weird about it. But ne never was and it was just the softest forms of physical touch and we were so cute. 

At one point idk if it was cause something was on tv, but something happened where, i said (about me and bff maybe?) “we don’t have unspoken boundaries or rules that we follow” and Liam was like “UH yes you do” like don’t even play with me rn. And i was like “like what?? what do you mean” and he just gave me a look, like you know. 

Basically he was trying to say, there are boundaries or rules that we have between us that are unspoken but we can’t cross. And i was answering on account of me and bff, saying no we don’t. But then i was like “does he mean just me?” because that i can understand. Obviously we have history, we have boundaries. But i wanted to push the envelope and i was curious if thats what he meant. Because that would mean acknowledging that we have history (which he doesnt do) 

Theennn, i think? bff went home and the family party began. And Liam was still here and everyone was meeting him and EVERYONE WAS LOVING HIM. It was a dreaaammm (literally). Like he was separate from me for little spurts and he was doing so great at talking with people and it made me heart so happy. I knew people were like “are they dating? are they together?” like the babe dream but it sorta didnt matter the title. Like people got it. He wasnt the only one of people i invited hanging around cause we were just friends. 

So then...i think i was so tired and i fell asleep for a little. Like i even remember Liam encouraging me to go lie down cause i had been up and busy for so long and i was exhausted. So i took probably a two hour nap. And when i woke up i hadnt even meant to sleep that long. So i was like....shit where is everyone, wheres Liam. 

And i look out the blue bathroom window. And homies in his car hotboxing with Erikka, Ia, Dalvin, and Phillipe like WHAT. Like okay gang, okay squad but now i have so much fomo, like babe u know i wanna smoke. So it made me anxious to join because duh everyones experiencing him, and getting to know him, and theres no way in hell i wanted to miss that. Like are they talking about me, what is he saying about me!! what is he saying about US. But also im just giddy that hes mending so well with my family and everyones enjoying him. 

So now im texting erikka, and dalvin like how long have you guys been out there, im on my way type beat. I was so jealous. 

And im putting on shoes and a jacket to get out there, and i can’t find what im gonna where. 

Next thing i remember is somehow talking to dalvin, and he was crossed but he said he was talking to Liam and HE SAID “So are you gonna marry my sister, like whats going on. Marry her pleasseeee” kinda joking kinda not as in, we want you around youre so cool, you have so much weed, be in the family! And he told me Liam was like “nahh nahh” but in bashful shy way. Like not saying no. 

So then i’m like where IS he? So then i see Ia’s on LIVE and shes saying “so my cousin and this guy, when i ask her she says “shes waiting for him to say lets date” and when i ask him he says “hes waiting for her to say lets date” sooooo they obviously both want to be together” 

and im like WHAT, this bitch is live streaming from inside THE HOUSE literally. So i close that and i go in the den and im like WHERES SHANECIA?? ANd then also gigggling like “and wheres Liam?” so i run upstairs ia’s in our walk in closet. 

And im like whats going on?? So she starts talking about Liam like, “okay so you found a guy who’s tough on the outside but soft on the inside” and i am immediately so mushy and giddy wanting to talk about him im like “he’s the sweetest, oh he’s the cutest little bear” and shes like yea but on the outside he’s tough, and im like “HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ARMS, omg have you seen his arms” cause he’d been wearing the blue sweatshirt all day and i didnt know if people saw it. 

And then she was just looking at me for a second, and i paused and went “Liam’s in here isnt he” and all of a sudden he came from behind me and shouted AHHHH scaring me and grabbing me from behind. 

Then.....i woke up? maybe? Happy February 1st. 

[avo-kat]

this is my diary btw so im gonna write whatever

me rambling abt music i listened to

i used to love the metal band wintersun. ive basically listened to the album wintersun thru grade 9 and 10. because back then mp3 players had little space and mine only fit that one album. i listened to it daily for hours. for two years. yeah lol

i liked venom too i guess...

oh my fav emo band was the used. love love love. it really got me thru my worst teenage depression. i just listened to the album up and down for hours singing along whenever i was alone. so much sad

i listened to green day too, just that american idiot album. i was broke af as a teen and only had a handful of albums. my moms boss actually burned me a copy of american idiot! i was sooo happy that she did that. my mom used to clean ppls homes and i went with her a few times to help her and this lady had a really nice place and a big music ...anlage (lol) station? and she had green day and stuff and i told my mom how surprised i was that a middle aged lady was so cool. my mom told her next time and she burned me some cds :D so cool

my parents were usually v dismissive of me being goth and listening to metal music so this really meant a lot

in fact, my dad once said i was a psychopath and crazy and not right in the head! haha. now im grown up and dont call him. suck it, loser. thats what u got for abusing ur kid.

anyway, what else did i listen to? i had a last.fm account and listened to a lot of music but now i can barely recall. some japanese rock artists def. some handpicked metal songs that were popular that i got from youtube.

wait does my lastfm acct still exist lol

oh indeed! found it. well one of them. i had like two or three idk. lets see. theres scrobbles from 2007, 2008 and 2014 lol

there we go!!!! lets see :D

wintersun - like i said. emilie autumn ooooh of course. still got her stuff on my phone. her songs were my main inspiration for my first ever OC.

then theres a few metal bands i remember liking but i wasnt like suuuper into them.

yes i like panic!at the disco. u may bully me.

some kpop. eisregen isnt that a racist? (i say, knowing full well a lot of metal band dudes were racist). only listened to like 3 songs of those.

kate nash, yeah, my girl! i think thats from later. all her songs are super, she first started with very tv britpop, but relatable. foundation is a perf song. and over time she released more songs but she did develop a lot musically, going a bit more rock at times. super awesome. i was at one of her concerts this year. amazing experience. i love her.

k.i.z. okay. yeah. thats a german hiphop band. their thing is satire, i guess. how should i explain it. meh. i dont listen to them anymore because i started feeling uncomfortable with how they do things. they do a lot of social commentary, but they also used a lot of slurs, in like, ironic ways. that was perf acceptable back then.

she!!!! my 8bit music era!!!! 8bit music is super cool. still have a lot of it on my phone but i dont listen to it much. it gets a bit boring over time

death cab for cutie... how could i forget. what sarah said is one of the bangers in my depression playlist.

janelle was a recent discovery.

theres some more kpop, some more metal down there. nirvana - of course. i binged them. i felt so much heartbreak when i "discovered" them and learned their background. i listened to them a lot lot.

theres daft punk, of course, some japanese artists, utada hikaru, dir en greys, mucc, gackt, malice mizer, ayumi hamasaki. all cool. yuna ito... whos that? ohh she was reira in nana. i listened to mika nakashima too!! that manga was really formative. oh she still makes music

oh damn instead of cleaning im sitting here talking abt myself

[hypnosiacon-archived]

"why are you scared of losing ppl" -> maybe explain abandonment issues and uhmm . needing or relying on people to praise you on things for your self esteem or else you fall into very bad depressive episodes & having a very fragile self esteem. or however ur bpd+npd presents itself as LOL idk u

"what stops u from doing this" -> terrible wording but probably means "how do u cope with it". ive been asked that + asked them wdym or to rephrase. and they meant "how do you cope w it" . but also ime i just had sui ideation (i do have ocd but i never brought it up in fear of them mistaking it for a genuine desire) and (from what ive read about ocd in group therapy but not firsthand exp bc i havent gotten any help for mine lol) this... isnt how someone should treat someone w intrusive thoughts? you shouldnt ask them how they prevent themself from doing an intrusive thought (when an intrusive thoughts subject is upsetting, something they dont want, goes against their morals or desires, worst fears, etc) bc its egodystonic and u Dont Want To Do it and u dont actually want or desire it and are scared of doing it and it upsets u (thats why its an. intrusive thought.) so im thinking maybe they think u just meant sui ideation and not intrusive thoughts. so maybe u can emphasize that its thoughts u dont/cant control, u've tried, u dont actually want to commit sui but these thoughts keep happening and upset you, it goes against what u actually want or desire, etc & maybe ask if there is medication or if theyve heard of it happening to anyone else etc. if they havent heard of it happening to anyone else then um idk maybe theyre just stupid or dont understand u LOL

I mean, lol, I would not have talked about it with my doctor if that wasn't upsetting me and impacting my daily life. Also it's my translation, keep that in mind, because my native language is not English xpp

Idk maybe that was a bad wording, but also ugh, I told them that It was too bad that's why I was talking about it to them, but duh they ignored me kinda of. I don't remember exactly what they said (because I just woke up and should be asleep again), but it literally was similar to "lol don't be sad" said in face of a person with depression.

Though they told me "just don't be scared" when I was talking about my anxiety, duh and I was clear enough that I'm not just SCARED that this is fvcking impacting my life

#✖ sounds of an echo: ask #anon

[theplanetsjupiter]

update

i mean i feel like its def been like a year since i started this whole online diary entry thing. happy anniversary? i cant sleep because i watched part of stranger things season 4 and now im scared and yeah thats how i ended up here. Anyways. shit happened. I got so busy with tompkins and lowkey i feel like im doing better. Ngl junior year has been depressing. but i like it more in katy. Holy shit i have so much to say. In victoria, grades were easy and i was not motivated so that meant that I only focused on how i was doing socially and idk but it was sad. I mostly felt like i didnt fit in into a single friend group, i kept comparing myself to people like laccey who could fit in into any group and everyone liked her or like mae (and i still compare myself to people but I’ll get on it). But i dont wanna say i was depressed because I wasnt. I was just unhappy in victoria. Doesnt mean i dont miss it. Fuck, sometimes ill just miss going into heb or ross but either I’m in denial or I really dont miss the people. I thought/think theres something wrong with me. Its hard for me to make connections. I dont fucking know why but i want to fix it because i want a cool friend group; some people i cant truly be myself around and make me be like “damn i loved high school”. But anyways back to the school change. Im glad i left people in victoria. I was unhappy, felt like my friendships were shit, i (felt like) was starting to lose sasha, i felt like i couldnt make other friends/ join another friendgroup where i could be myself, etc. PLUS OMG greenly started dating Daniel which then led yo them merging friendgroups MY friendgroups which i wouldve hated. So yeah happy i left victoria. Then i came to tompkins and then i was like oh shit these people are something else. And like i could go more into detail but i dont want to rn. I will say though, i was so focused on doing good that the morning after i called syenna and found out she no longer gave a shit about me i was like “im not gonna let my emotions get in the way” and so i did my homework and focused on only that. ANyways i feel like im happier but maybe thats only because im distracted from sadness. But yes i definitely feel better than victoria. (i have this theory that the more you work hard, the happier you are) I got out of my comfort zone and i like myself more. my “goal” used to be to got back to 9th grade me but i realized that past is past and like old me wouldve thought this was crazy but i no longer care about “going back to 9th grade me”. in fact, i actually forgot i wanted to do that or the fact that i did all that shit in 9th grade. im just gonna remember it as proof that i can do it. i can become social. and this time i no longer care about “fixing” or “repairing” myself but reinventing. Im doing better with grades (fuck physics) and i feel like im improving socially. people are asking me to hang out. soha actually invited me as her plus one to the mun banquet which hopefully ill update you later (which btw i dont even want to make any predictions about bc i dont wanna jinx it). but yeah i am going to stop here because i feel like i have a lot more to say but rn i cant rememeber. so yeah im not yet at the stage where im like “damn i really like who im becoming” but i like who im becoming. Im not there yet, i still have a lot of shit i want to improve but i feel better about myself. i no longer feel the need to desperately go back to my 9th grade self,or want to be like other people (ok maybe i still do this cough cough fiona) um now idk how to end this but this isnt fucking lang so here it ends

#that was so therapeutic