#idk what i'm even getting at i'm just exhausted i think

[harrowharkwife]

camilla or pyrrha for the character ask meme!

THANK YOU EMMA FOR GIVING ME AN EXCUSE TO TALK ABOUT CAMMMM MY GIRL.... CAMILLA DARLING

favorite thing about them: where do i even fucking start. her skill, and strength. her wit, she's so goddamn funny. her resolve. her bravery. the quiet ferocious intensity with which she loves and cares about people. as tragic and troubling and fucked up as it is in canon, i find her perennial tendency towards pair-bonded dysfunctional codependency to be. ALARMINGLY relatable. i love her flat affect. i love her observational skills- she's clever, and perceptive. i may or may not have an enormous crush on her. i love her loyalty and devotion. i love (read: hate) her tendency to deflect any and all important personal questions. i love that she doesn't let go. i love her love for spreadsheets and sharp knives and sensible shoes and sketching. i love her impeccable bedside manner. i love her and her letters and her cassette tapes and her fuckass bob and her smile that makes the earth want to marry her and i love her slate-clay eyes and her laugh. i love that she fought like her heart had already exploded.

least favorite thing about them: i mean, with camilla this question is really more of a "most concerning things about them," isn't it? her codependency, her lack of individuation and independence, her refusal to develop her own identity and exist as her own person. which, like, from one autistic bitch to another, girl i Get It. if i could get away with making myself a satellite accessory to another person instead of having to figure out how to be a person myself, if my society had groomed me to do exactly that from birth, yeah, i would probably do the same thing. being a person is fucking exhausting. but it's also so, so worth it, and it breaks my fucking heart that cam never had the chance, and that the people in her life by and large never encouraged her to really try. we do see pal pushing her on it a little here and there from time to time, and i appreciate that, but it was clearly never enough to stick, y'know? i hate how self sacrificing and selfless she is, i wish fandom at large would talk more about her depression, i want to give her wellbutrin and a hug and therapy.

favorite line: too many to choose. life is too short and love is too long. i don't let go, it's my one thing. sure, it's a nice handkerchief. i think there's another teaspoon full of blood in here somewhere. camilla hect fought like a grease fire. the cohort has taken the rest of him away and i don't know where they've put him.

brOTP: gideon, though i am a lover of the cam/gideon agenda! also nona, and palamedes.

OTP: dulcie, but i also love campyrrha, in like a mutually sorrowful toxic cathartic cav4cav grief sex sorta way.

nOTP: idk that i have one? i'm not really into cam/corona the way some people are

random headcanon: autistic like i mentioned earlier. i think she'd love cats

unpopular opinion: personally speaking I'm not a shooter for the aro/ace cam agenda, though i don't have anything against it!!! I've definitely seen it done in fascinating and lovely and compelling ways before! it's just not how i personally interpret her, but i think that's literally just a personal grudge on account of being an autistic woman with somewhat flat affect, and having seen fandoms Immediately jump to hit every serious-mannered, autistic-coded woman character that has flat affect with the aroace headcanon stick Immediately and at first blush without interrogating the potential stereotypes and assumptions behind that choice. not saying that that's what people are doing with cam at all, just that it was a general pattern i was observing across fandoms- honestly i see the logic behind it with her, and i don't think it's a "wrong" way to interpret her at all, i think it's perfectly founded! but unfortunately i am just projecting on her and she got caught in the crosshairs of me deciding i had Had Enough and that it was time to draw the "let autistic women fuck" shaped line in the sand and take a political stance 😂 you understand. aroace cam truthers are some of my most beloved comrades in arms. peace and love on planet earth

song i associate with them: EXISTENTIAL CRISIS HOUR! BY KILO KISH. see also: butterfly net by caroline polachek, true blue by boygenius, my friend by hayley williams, ***look at me now by caroline polachek,*** francis forever by mitski, the body is a blade by japanese breakfast, crude drawing of an angel by caroline polachek.

favorite picture of them: im on mobile and also stoned outta my gourd so I'll rb this with some art tomorrow!

ty emma!!!!

[sonoda-oomers]

.

#spud.txt #definitely not knocking on anyone keeping tabs on it but i have started to tune out AI art developments. like my eyeballs just roll away #'if you do digital art you HAVE to keep proof it was human work now' why do we have to tho #i really do believe that if someone's really harrassing people over what they perceive is AI art it's some faults of their own that they #gotta deal with. i hold the same opinion about nfts which is it's incredibly futile and kinda petty to bully randos on twitter #i did get into one twitter argument about nfts and it was. yeah it did not accomplish anything #this doesn't mean that harassment campaigns against artists deemed as acceptable targets should not be stopped but it's more like #you got enough stuff to stress out about if someone's out for you i don't think any timelapse evidence etc is gonna stop them #whatever could be called 'artist community' is very splintered and doesn't serve as a good support system i think #like every month people brought back follower discourse and who is acceptable to be talked bad about because they're either a stuck up big #artist or the opposite #idk what i'm even getting at i'm just exhausted i think #like a good amount of people is out there to make it so damn difficult to Post Art Online and it's been going on for years #i'm trying really hard to not become defeatist but i sincerely think. the energy could be allocated elsewhere

[gregoftom]

scenes that make you go hmmm

#tomgreg #okokokokok before i go abso nuts. what is this like. what is it. #shiv is trying to seem coy saying ah i hear you and greg are going around... is he your WINGMAN *eyebrow raise* #shiv is almost straight up asking tom if he's fucking greg like i'm sorry but she is. #and tom says exhaustedly we sometimes grab a drink shiv #can i just. like i really want to be normal about this but this conversation is so fucking LACED with side piece vibes. #bc tom is kinda cagey and then he says well we agreed we could have a look around while we had a think right? #after she talks about dating. #which. is just. sus as all hell. #idkkkkkk idk god i'm trying so hard to be normal about this but how can i be when it sounds like she's asking him if he's fucking greg. #WE SOMETIMES GRAB A DRINK. what the fuck does that even mean tom. since when did you get drinks with greg. #that sounds so pedestrian for you. you would take him to fancy rich ass restaurants and all that shit. but a drink? #oldest reasoning in the book for not saying yall are fucking like i really am sorry but come tf on. #when will shiv straight up ask are you and greg fucking? #and when will tom exhaustively answer so what if we were #just the way he answers is so.... #so if he's not your wingman what is he tom??? #much to think about

[bearsbeetsbeskar]

Alright y'all, here's a snippet of the joel x therapist! reader fic that I have embarked upon in the last couple days. Hopefully I can finish the first chapter by the weekend and post it.

Sidenote: thank you to everyone who has left comments on my rambly posts, encouraged me to write and been so supportive in general of newcomers to writing in this fandom. Joel is an intimidating character for sure but I actually had a lot of fun writing for him.

Pairing: Joel Miller x therapist!reader 

Warnings: swearing, discussions about trauma

Summary: Life after moving to Jackson looks drastically different for Joel, survival mode is over and now he and Ellie can finally put down new roots. Ellie adapts easily but Joel finds himself struggling to settle into this new life, in more ways than some. At Ellie and Tommy’s insistence, Joel begrudgingly finds himself in therapy to try and work through his struggles but what he encounters is more than just painful memories and deeply rooted trauma.

“Tommy, I swear to god if you bring up this damn therapy shit again I won’t hesitate to shoot you next time we’re out on patrol,” Joel growled through clenched teeth, as he walked away from his brother into the kitchen of the house. 

“Boy, it ain’t like I never heard that before,” Tommy quipped sarcastically, rolling his eyes as he followed Joel into the kitchen, pausing in the doorway as he leaned against the frame, hands shoved into his pockets. He observed his brother's rigid stance, the tightness in his shoulders, as Joel stood before the sink while looking out of the window above it. 

This felt like the umpteenth time that Tommy had broached the subject of Joel getting help and talking to a ‘shrink’ as he dismissively described it, for his issues that he was struggling with. Joel was fine. He didn’t have any issues. He was doing just fine and didn’t need any help from some professional who would only scrutinize him, reduce him to his vices, and open old wounds from his past life. He was encouraged to go to grief counseling after Sarah died but by some grace of God, or whatever godforsaken omnipotent entity existed at that point, the outbreak occurred. Forget mental health, physical health and survival, aka not becoming infected, was the only thing that mattered.

Tommy exhaled softly, “Listen, I'm only suggestin’ it because I care about you. Ellie cares about you. You both have been through hell and back in the last year, I mean shit, we all have. But it seems like everything y’all went through is still affecting you, holding you back from letting your guard down and settling in here,” he states plainly, sadness lacing his tone. 

“That’s bullshit Tommy and you know it,” Joel snaps, turning to face his younger brother and leaning back against the counter, arms crossed in defense. His gaze narrows, “I go out on patrol don’t I? Pick up extra shifts wherever it’s needed, help out with the contracting jobs, go out with Ellie in town.” Joel stood up taller, puffing out his chest, challenging his younger brother.

Tommy shook his head, running his hand over his face with an exasperated expression. Heaven forbid Joel did anything for himself that did not involve contributing or providing for someone, period. He just couldn’t shake that from his identity, and Tommy’s heart broke for him as he watched his brother’s stubborn pride, ridden with guilt and trauma, swallow him whole. 

‘Man when are you gonna fuckin’ do something for yourself Joel?!” Tommy asserted, his frustration reaching a boiling point.

“Forget the damn commune, forget the community, forget Ellie for a sec and think about the last time YOU did something for yourself, the last time YOU reached out for help damn it” He pushed off the doorframe and crossed the threshold of the kitchen as he strode towards Joel.

“You’re not on the run anymore brother. You don’t have to just survive. You can have a life here. You can sleep without keeping one eye open and relax without looking over your shoulder. Don’t you want that? Don’t you think you deserve that?! Don’t you think you deserve this?!” as he gestured around to the cozy kitchen and fixed his older brother with a pleading stare. 

Joel’s eyes widened as he tried to step back, the edge of the counter biting into his lower back as he took in Tommy’s weary face, the pain in his soft brown eyes, mirroring his own. His younger brother rarely raised his voice anymore. The outbreak took its toll on his hot headed temperament that never simmered down, even after he was discharged from the army. Joel knew that Tommy cared about him, hell he knew how deeply his brother loved him, after all they had been through respectively in the last 20 years, it had to be serious for him to raise his voice. 

Joel opened his mouth, ready to bite back but his brother raised his hands in the air in surrender.

"Look, this is the last time I will bring this up, I swear. But yesterday I called up the therapist in town who’s been helpin’ folks out, and asked her about the therapy process and she seems real nice, and supportive. She said you could come in for a consultation and talk to her and see if you’re interested,” Tommy said quietly.

Joel’s gaze narrows as he scrunches his eyebrows together in incredulity, “You-”

“I had nothing to lose Joel. And neither do you,” Tommy cuts him off, raising his chin in defiance. “At least go talk to the therapist, if you don’t like her or you’re not feelin’ it, then I’ll drop it and let it go. The office is on the main street, just beside the clothing store, adjacent to the stables and they’re open everyday from 9-5.” 

“Christ Tommy,” Joel leaned back as he looked up at the ceiling, wishing it would collapse in on him. Gotta love that brotherly love.  

“Look I should be getting back now, Maria will be waiting for me. Here’s the number and address for the business. I’ll see you around okay?” Tommy patted through his pockets and retrieved a small piece of paper with writing scribbled on it, placing it on the counter beside Joel. He gave him a last placating look before he walked out of the kitchen, the front door closing behind him with a soft click. 

Joel pinched the bridge of his nose and exhaled sharply before turning back around to look out the kitchen window. He hung his head in defeat, rounding his back as rested his elbows on the counter and glared into his matte reflection in the sink. He didn’t need any help. He was doing fine. He’s still upright and breathing, with blood coursing through his veins isn’t he? Albeit, he is not jumping out of bed like a sprightly 30 year old anymore. His knees pop and crackle when he gets up from crouching over machinery while doing manual labour, his joints protest the next day when he pushes himself too far, moving slower than usual on job sites.

Hell, even his memory is starting to get cloudy around the edges. If it weren’t for Ellie some days, he’s sure he would leave the house without pants on, what with her always reminding him where things are in the house, special events that are coming up in the community that he forgets to put in the calendar. He had been a bit more snappy than usual, as Ellie so lovingly pointed out one day, but that’s nothing compared to his normal demeanor. 

‘You’re becoming a grumpy motherfucker y'know that? Jeez, who shit in your cornflakes this morning?” she grumbled at him with a mouth full of cereal, after he snapped at her reminder that it was parent day at the local school. Parent day, P.A. day, Joel hadn’t dealt with any of this shit in over 20 years since Sarah was in school. Even then he managed to neglect many of the parental events, seeing as Sarah was the perfect student, with nothing but glowing reviews from her teachers. The fact that Ellie was going to school amidst a fucking apocalypse was enough for Joel to be happy with. 

But still, he’s doing fine, right? Just fine. 

#joel miller x reader #joel miller x female reader #joel miller x you #eeeeeek I am so nervous to post this even though it's a small snippet of the chapter #I'm actually getting more excited as I write #but it's exhausting like damn idk how you guys do it #there are so many ideas I have for conversations and interactions but then I gotta lay down some context for PLOT and I just wanna give up #I am lazy as hell I realized lol #but I felt like this interaction between the miller brothers was a good place to give a sneak peak #please give me feedback on what you think!

[hauntedwoman]

almost pulled over on the way to school three times just to cry and think about how fucked everything in my life is rn

#i dont have any money and my job literally cannot schedule me more than one day a week #idk what the fuck im doing in school rn and idk if i want to change my minor or not bc i think id succeed more in creative writing #but i'd have to take a couple extra classes and my parents are already upset that im taking so long to finish school #even tho it was my mom that made me move across the country and go to a new school #so like. obviously there are different graduation requirements here #but my parents dont understand that at all and it's somehow my fault that im taking so long #when i really am not #i'm just trying the best i can while being extremely mentally ill and im just so exhausted #maybe i will take a break from school and actually get a job with a salary #a friend of mine works at a local marketing agency and i could always submit an application #bc i already have an associates in comms and that might be useful

[magentagalaxies]

having a moment about my gender rn and i'm just like ugggggh @ my brain do we have to. like can we just not

#i need to go to bed soon bc i have a 10am class tomorrow but shoutout to the identity crisis i've been having since at least feb 6th #idk if identity crisis is even the right word. bc like one thing about me is that i have a very solid sense of self #like i know who i am and what i want and how i move through the world and what it feels like to be me #but in terms of how i label and explain that to others? that's where the identity crisis comes in #but no one else gets to experience me in first person POV so the descriptors i use and they ways i present myself are reality to them #and tbh? as i think about how some of the descriptors i use for myself don't accurately describe me some people are getting mad??? #which is so fucking bizarre bc like. what the fuck it's my gender why are YOU being offended??? #but it's also making me low key be like ''wait am i a bad person now????'' #even tho i don't believe morality works like that. idk it's just been an exhausting month and a half #if anyone wants to hear more in depth thoughts on all this i would love to vent about it #(but not rn bc i will be going to bed as soon as i get this all out) #but like what i will say now is even tho this past month and a half has been ROUGH (for several reasons especially gender) #and people might expect that me spending so much time with scott in february made it more exhausting #which is understandable we love scott but touring in general is tiring and also i am the most opinionated person i've ever met but so is he #and also like. if you've heard scott talk about gender it's very obvious we disagree on a lot of things and he doesn't shy away from that #but the thing is. i'd actually say spending so much time with scott (even when we talk about gender. even when we *argue* about gender) #was actually such a good thing for me throughout all of this bc even when we disagree on semantics of labels #scott actually sees me beyond that rather than reducing my identity to what i call myself #which is how a lot of well-meaning allys tend to treat me. like i'm just one thing. #so when i'm with scott i never really have to think about my gender #bc he doesn't treat me like i'm (insert whatever gender people treat me like). he just treats me like i'm jessamine #and i'm tired of having to explain myself into smaller pieces so people can pretend to get it #but i feel like there's no way not to do that in our society rn especially at my ''progressive'' liberal arts college

[zevrans]

#haven't had energy to log into here because my work has been kicking my ass i'm spending half of my day off laying in bed #i fell asleep yesterday after my 2nd shift in my clothes with no blanket and woke up freezing at 7 am 🤧 #i layed on the bed for 5 mins just to regain strenght to do a few things before bed yedterday and got knocked out by the exhaustion 😭 #these 2 shifts were particularly hard and i think it had also to do with my coworker suggesting the dumbest thing imo #the dude wanted me to give my WHOLE november shifts to him like...WTF #he said he needed a sum of money for december and like helloo.. #what do you think i am doing here?? don't i need money?? #i'd understand if he'd ask for a shift or two but whole fucking month the sheer audacity.. #i've struggled so much mentally to ge to this point and to be able to get this job even if it's not in my professional field #and it's physically demanding very much and so many other cons #but i've got it and i was happy i got it and to think some stranger thinks #he's more entitled to it than someone else like ??? it's just bizzare to me #he seemed such a chill person before he asked this #and i've spent last 2 work days feeling guilty for protecting my boundaries... #but everybody around me says i did the right thing so i am trying to not stress about it anymore #and i was afraid this would ruin the good work relationship i thought we established but idk anymore #i will be very cautious about him now #tbd

[sealovinq]

i need friends /gen (slight rant in tags)

#xelle.txt #i noticed i don't really have a permanent circle of friends. at least irl #i have one online but they're also busy and i just can't dedicate my time to one friend group #i don't know - it's just the people i thought who were nice turned out to be the exact opposite #and when i found out about that i just kinda. lost interest in making any more friends #my partner is the only person i interact with on a daily basis. the irl friend group i was referring to earlier i'm not exactly close with- #-them either #i feel like if i didn't only give my time in nurturing my romantic relationship i would have done the same for my platonics too #that's still a problem of mine. my time management between love life and friends. heck i even got myself into an unsolvable problem because- #-of my inability to stay consistent #also my brain is kinda fried from reading 20+ pages so pardon any grammatical errors but yeah anyway #honestly i've been craving for interaction here. but i know i won't be active and it'd just be pointless #to gain more friends or followers. i don't exactly make content as consistently as i did before #the other day i had to vent to an ai (would you believe me if it was cha.tgpt) about my troubles because i had no one else to talk to lol #there's just so much going on irl 😭 ya girl's almost starting college and they're throwing so much tasks at us!! #and i feel very very stressed about it because they're usually done in groups i am ALWAYS the assigned leader #which gets exhausting especially when there are lazy members present #anyway #hopefully this weekend i get some time to cool off. but next week i'm back to grinding and working #lol i don't even think i'm in the top ranks anymore. i'm so burnt out. #this is what being an academic achiever gives you oops ZZHSIAHAHAJAHHS #imma sleep now 😭 #idk you can just interact with me or recommend someone you know who self ships in the same medias i do #goodnight everypony 🫶 #vent tw #rant tw

[bigmeansweatydyke]

google search how to stop being so autistic because i'm apparently ruining my friendships by acting like an asshole and having no idea and i'm already so fucking exhausted

#my post #vent #like i don't think people get it lol #how fucking exhausting it is to have a million programs open in my head every time i have a fucking conversation #how i leave every fucking conversation wondering if everyone thinks i'm a massive dick #and it turns out that wow i was right to think that! just when i think i'm doing better apparently no i'm not! #it feels like the rules change every second and i don't know how everyone can just fucking GET it #like i'm trying i'm really fucking trying and apparently i'm not trying hard enough even though i'm so fucking tired #saw someone discuss this #how she feels the constant processing and the feeling over never being able to catch up is why autistic people kill themselves #and honestly yeah i agree because how the fuck am i supposed to fucking live like this #i dunno i'm just. tired #being like this just makes me want to not speak to anyone #hell maybe people would prefer it that way #i don't blame them i just wish people would understand it's so goddamn fucking hard and i'm so tired all the time #idk i'm being a lil bitch right now and i don't know what to do i just needed to vomit this out #peace and love and back to our regularly scheduled programming

[dazais-guardian-angel]

went to my first con in 4 years on Friday to meet Kaiji Tang and got a Dazai autograph + video recording of him reading to me. He was the sweetest person (as I knew he would be) and interacting with him was lovely, but also at the same time oh boy it sure was an extremely stressful, ugly wake-up call of what it feels like to live in a world now where everyone around you has blissfully moved on from covid and can enjoy things normally and happily, while you'll forever be trapped in a hellscape of perpetual fear 🫠🫠🫠

#like. to be clear this was the first time i've been literally anywhere but doctor's appointments in 4 years #not just because of the pandemic but because of mental and physical exhaustion #so it was a Big Mistake to go from 0 to 100 and not ease myself into it at all #but at the same time........ it was a fucking hellscape of people. i don't think any kind of buildup could have prepared me for it at all. #it was so much less crowded in 2020 (ironically the very last place i ever went; literally on the BRINK of covid) #and now idk what it's become. a monster con. it was unbelievable. #but i was only there for less than an hour but i was so so so terrified that i very nearly left before even seeing him #i couldn't even fully enjoy meeting him as kind as he was because i was so anxious and distracted #and when i got back to the car i just fucking cried......... #the last five days i've just been sitting in fear waiting to feel Any sort of symptoms #i wore two masks and again was barely there for long but Still #and everyone around me was so chill as if everything was normal and No One was wearing a mask :))))) it's not fucking fair man :))))) #insert the 'they don't know' meme; they don't know how much covid can destroy your body even if you get a 'mild' case #i would never want to be that ignorant even if i wasn't disabled and didn't have reason to worry (but everyone has reason to worry!!!) #but also. ignorance is bliss and it just really fucking sucks man. #it really fucking sucks. why do they get to be happy and enjoying life and not /me?/ #why can't i do just ONE thing for myself without having it tainted by anxiety and fear that i'm going to die horribly??? #while they get to do fucking EVERYTHING??? #if they all just wore masks we could all enjoy ourselves much more comfortably than some of us are now #but no that's too much to ask from people 🙃🙃🙃 #shit sucks man. the world sucks. something that should be a happy memory for me was simultaneously the most awful experience #and i don't know how to feel about it now that it's over #he knew that i was afraid and at the end he told me that he hoped to see me again at another event someday #and that made me cry because it felt like dazai telling me to live. and i want to. but i don't know how to when the world is like this now. #i desperately want to be able to see him again someday but right now after how terrifying that was i never want to go to a con ever again.. #i wanted to ask him things about the manga and about dazai but i was being rushed and stressed so i couldn't ugh #(and doing that is hard enough anyway cause disability and i have to talk with my phone bahhhh) #at least i was able to give him my note *sigh*

[cheekblush]

me today 💤

#no i did not end up studying 🫣🤐🤥 #the ibuprofen did help with the migraine but i still feel so drained like my energy tank is on 0 😞 #and i'm tired of beating myself up for not constantly studying like why do i always have to neglect my health for school?? #idk how other people do it bc i know others get way more done than me & have way more responsibilities but i just don't have that kind of.. #energy i'm sorry it takes up all of my energy just to survive and exist in this world 😭 #i feel like such an immature crybaby but once again that kafka quote comes to mind: #i could have built the pyramids with the effort it takes me to cling on to life and reason #also my mom recently pointed out to me that i have been studying for 21 years of my life & i just went shocked pikachu face 😯 #like that is absolutely INSANE i've been in school since i was 6 years old it's honestly a miracle i didn't kms yet #and all of this studying for what??? you'd think i'd amount to smth but i'm an utter failure 🙃 #literally haven't achieved anything the only things i got in my name are mental & physical health problems </3 #well this is getting depressing let me stfu #so instead of studying i ended up watching sailor moon & dragon ball while eating chocolate covered strawberries <3 #i actually wanted to take a nap but i just couldn't fall asleep even though i feel so exhausted #i need to survive 3 more weeks of exams before the easter holidays... i'm on my knees but i'm crawling... #i just need to pass everything... no need to have perfect grades just make it through these next 3 weeks alive #i just know i'm gonna have a breakdown soon & cry my eyes out bc it's all getting too much again 😮‍💨 #☁️

[missshame]

I hate studying I just wanna create stuff and see the world I hate how little control I have over my life

#Let's make it clear I know I'm lucky to get higher education and I'm grateful for it + knowledge can be the greatest tool #It's just that medschool is killing me and there's just too much stuff to learn and I'm struggling so badly with it that at the end of the #day it feels like I'm not learning anything and I'm completely dumb and uneducated #I'm not even a good student but it takes all my energy and even when I'm not studying I rarely have the energy to do anything #The only thing I sorta do consistently is working out because it makes my brain shut up for a while and it helps the muscle pain I got from #All the stress and sitting at my desk/working long days at the hospital #Anyway I love complaining sorry #I just feel like I had /have a very creative artsy nature and I'm really suffering from the lack of it like not in a I don't have enough #time for my hobbies and to relax #Which is already bad enough btw I don't think it should be considered normal for anyone to be too exhausted to do anything outside of work #But I really feel it in a I'm not myself anymore it's hard to move forward and build confidence and a sense of self while having a life so #far away from what you love and feel like you need + denying yourself what you desire the most can't be good to your brain let's face it #Anyway long story short first thing I'm gonna do when I finally get my degree is by me some drums learn the guitar and paint on the walls #And in the meanwhile Idk do I keep living this way? If I do will I go completely insane? #Or do gift myself the right to give up on the idea of being a slightly less bad student and do I say fuck it and start living my life now ? #Idk! Idddkkk !!! #Oh my god

[da-proti-toku-grem]

sorry i needed to vent somewhere and ended up explaining my life 😮‍💨

#why am i like this bro? #my bday is in a few days but i don't feel excited about it #i didn't even feel like doing anyhing especial this year and i was so close to not celebrate it #but my mom and my bestie convinced me because “you're turning 18. isn't that exciting” #and also because “most of your friends will move to other places because of uni so you don't know when/if you'll see all of them again” #the thing is they convinced me to celebrate with my friends and close family #nothing too special but at least is something #and now i had to tell them what i was going to do so i had to create a whatsapp group and all that #and i just spent a whole hour just to think of what words to use so it doesn't sound weird #idek why i thought it would sound weird to invite MY friends to MY bday party but i always overthink everything #besides all of this idk why it gives me so much anxiety to just do this whole “party” thing yk #i guess i just hate being the center of attention and the fact that this is “my” day and everything revolves around me makes me anxious #i've always been a very reserved person but this year i've surpassed myself #like with the whole last year of high school thing and the exams to get into uni got me so stressed #and i've spent all school year (sept-june) without barely going out of my house (i literally only went out to go to class) #and i've spent all year saying: i'll go out when all of this ends in summer #but i was SO exhausted by the end of it that i just wanted to stay at home 24/7 #how did this end? well. i've only hang out with my group of friends once in the whole summer and it was on the july 4th #i've practically been ignoring the whatsapp group so i didn't have to make excuses not to meet up #i'm not proud of admitting that but it's not like i talked too much before so i guess it's not such a big deal #thinking about all of this made me realise that i might have social anxiety after all #i'm not at all surprised tbh but i didn't really know what i felt had a name yk #very random but i'm very happy that i was able to get to know JO and Jere thanks to eurovision cause i feel like they're holding me togethe #idk they just make me inexplicably happy and seeing all their content makes me smile even when i feel like shit #(big thanks to everyone on the fandom here btw ily all <3) #anyway i'll stop now cause this is turning out very long #this didn't get me anywhere but at least i feel a bit better ig #maca speaks

[magentagalaxies]

.

#this might be both oversharing and being too vague rn but it's 2am and i'm emotionally exhausted #i can't believe during one of the most traumatic moments i've had in the past year i was lucky enough to have scott as my biggest supporter #the entire time as i was going through it he was so supportive giving me space to process shit and always having my back #and yet there are some people in my life who are always going to villainize him for one comment he said during that time out of context #or even if they're not ''villainizing'' him i now feel like i have to begin every sentence about scott with #''yeah we don't agree on everything but we're still friends and isn't that amazing!'' #which yeah that is true and i do genuinely enjoy when scott and i disagree and are respectful about it #BUT WHY DOES THAT HAVE TO BE THE FIRST THING I SAY ABOUT HIM???? #and honestly that whole experience made me agree with scott on way more than i started out with #i'm proud of how i was able to grow as a person and for the fact that it brought me and scott much closer together #but that shit i went through at my college was still traumatic. and it did change me as a person #it completely changed my relationship to activism in a way i'm not happy about bc i want to be more of an activist #but when i had someone use social justice language to justify horrible things against me it's hard not to be wary #of how hollow and performative a lot of conversations can be #and like i'll even say it. like people might get mad at me for admitting it #but that whole traumatic situation has irrevocably changed my relationship to gender as well #or at least how i label myself and how i move through these conversations #and in some ways i'm grateful for it bc i do feel like i know myself more and like i don't have to worry about what others' think #or even what other people understand #but it shouldn't have had to go down like that. and as much as the time i got to spend with scott during that time was so much fun #and such a great experience and he was truly the perfect support system during that time #he shouldn't have had to deal with that and neither should i #and the fact that scott somehow got villainized in some people's minds while the person who actually caused that trauma #is instead treated like ''yeah he was a bit misguided and made a mistake but he was probably anxious about it!! he's just a person!!'' #that's never going to stop being painful. especially the idea that with the importance people put on labels #i would supposedly have more ''community solidarity'' with that asshole than a cis gay man like scott #idk i think i'm past the timeframe of that traumatic experience bc it's not consuming every day like it used to a few weeks back #but something triggered it tonight so i just need to process it. anyway shoutout to scott for being there for me i really needed it

[ridiculously-over-obsessed]

Living with her is such a weird limbo now I’ve decided to go no-contact when I move out, like I’m sad and annoyed all the time about her bs and her attitude and her gaslighting, but I also know there’s an end in sight so I don’t feel... anything about it at the same time.

Idk I’ve got all these weird feelings/non-feelings going on and I just want to reach that end date so I can get on with my life, I’m feeling very weird lately...

#gs rambling again #like rn she's asleep (yes it's 6pm here) and i had to get my sister up because she's got dnd online with her friends #which is fine but like... she's 19 and doesn't get herself up and i'm sick of it being my responsibility #and mum got snappy at me for daring to wake her up at 4pm because i was going to do food because she was tired and needed more sleep #like why tf are you snapping at me you're nearly 50 years old you should know how to communicate with ppl by now #so i just went back to my room because fuck that and had a cry because it's exhausting and i'm exhausted but i also just feel... empty?? #like i don't feel any type of way about my decision to cut her off i'm not sad i'm not angry i'm not relieved i just... am. #idk i've had enough and i want it to be august already so i can get out and stay out and maybe then i'll feel something about it #just praying sfe doesn't fuck me over again this year 🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻 #also i really need to talk to my friends about this but i know theyre in a great place and i don't want to bring my sad shit into it #i feel bad for needing them which i'm aware is not a rational way of thinking and i need to open up etc etc #but i'm... i just got so used to keeping it to myself that i don't know what to say or how to open up #and now i'm just spiralling and feeling bad for not talking to them but also bad for even considering it #*gently thuds head into wall*

[imwritesometimes]

looking at the dono.linc a03 tag like 'hmmm wish there was new stuff to read here' yet being completely unable to make any new stuff

#like... it's so bad. I even got an idea for a snippet. a scene. something. this morning. #and I just.... can't be fucked to even get my notebook out and jot anything down. not even the broad strokes. like. nothing. #I feel completely just.... bleh.... abt writing. I went through my whole aø3 works list last night and was like #how the fuck did I uh.... ever write all this shit? I went through the bookmarks on ALL my fics #all the ones tagged 'fave' or 'favorite' made me just !!!!! #but I can't... idk I can't get myself to do shit now. I'm still so fuckin exhausted from being sick. #I'm starting to think I'm just like... never gonna feel better idk it's depressing like it's been a week. fckn dying. #just... meh. this year has sucked. a lot. A LOT. and I wish I could fall back on my hobby like I used to but lmao I CAN'T #I've also just idk... written a lot for them already so it's like lmao why share more idk even if I COULD write what's the point #there are a whopping 30 fics for them. I've written 8. like 🤷‍♀️ #erin explains it all