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just-another-author-i-guess · 1 year

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Judd's childhood headcanons?

You betcha 🤭

Tags: idk like mentions of violence and such, Judd being a pyromaniac from a very young age, dead bugs?

Author's note: if we don’t get a baby judd episode in the new season I will riot (,:

Judd childhood hc's

Word count: 1,2K

Both of his parents were absolutely over the moon when he was born

Imagine being an only child in the Birch household, like ngl that sounds pretty sweet

He had their attention aaalll to himself, and he thoroughly enjoyed it

He was quite an active child too, not like hyper but always doing something he was definitely not supposed to do, so he needed either one of his parents to watch him constantly anyways

I feel like he was a pretty “normal” child until Leah was born, sure he was a bit harder to watch than average 2-year-olds but it wasn’t to like a concerning degree or anything

That was until Leah was born

Suddenly having to deal with a new sister, unleashed little monster-gremlin Judd

Not even like five minutes after she was born, when he got to see her in the hospital, did he call her ugly and bald

He probably had an identity crisis when his dad told him he looked like that too

Anyways, Elliot was really empathic towards him, even though he was definitely becoming a bit of a spoiled brat

Like, he sat him down and was like “I know it’s hard for you to get a new sister, but think about how much she’s going to look up to you, blah blah..”

Judd did not listen

So for the next few years, his mission became causing as much trouble for everyone around him as possible and then finding a way to blame it on Leah

Obviously, no one believed that an infant thrashed the house and set fire to a bunch of ants in the backyard

(It was hard to believe toddler Judd even managed to do it lmfao)

That’s another thing, like he wouldn’t hurt big animals, like cats, dogs, raccoons, ect cause he likes those

But he’s definitely responsible for the bug population in town drastically decreasing lol

He would be that type of little kid who burns ants, crushes snails and squeezes bugs to death

I was reading IT right, and patrick apparently has a whole pencil case filled with dead flies AND WHY IS THAT SO JUDD

I could see him bringing that into kindergarten, and when it’s art time he pulls it out and shows the teacher’s kinda proudly and they’re all like 😧✋

This was how he ended in therapy, too

Diane getting a call like “Yeah, uh, your son has a pencil case full of dead bugs and he’s scaring everyone pls come pick him up”

She wasn’t even mad, bc if you’ve seen my other headcannons, yk it would just be even more confirmation that Judd definitely inherited a lot of things from her

He was definitely a very stab-happy kid too

I’m talking deliberately sharpening his pencils to a point and using them as weapons

I can see him having a slingshot too, he would sit somewhere his dad couldn’t see and just shoot rocks at him

Poor Elliot, Judd’s abuse and gremlin behaviours definitely affected him the most

Diane could actually get angry so Judd didn’t dare mess too much with her, and Leah was just a baby so her reactions were usually pretty boring

She didn’t even care when Judd showed her the dead flies smh 🫤

So Elliot was the only good target

Judd was very, very annoyed though, at how he never really got angry, like he’d always just praise Judd for his creativity

If he’s too mean to his dad, Diane will also get mad at him lol

So it’s about finding a balance yk

But back to the therapy thing

I don’t really think Judd got diagnosed with anything, besides being a creepy ass kid

If being creepy is a mental illness, count me in too idc

But like, there’s nothing inherently wrong with him, he just really enjoys causing trouble

So the only thing the therapist recommended was stricter parenting

As both him and Leah got older, his plans of getting rid of her became more thought out as well

There’s that one scene where Nick is a newborn and Judd tries to set fire to Leah’s hair

That is definitely a recurring thing, like he realised if he truly wanted to get rid of Leah he’d have to try something,,, more effective than leaving her random places and trying to get his parents to hate her

So setting her hair on fire seemed like a good idea

I don’t think he grasped the idea that she could actually die, but like if her hair burned off she would be ugly and their parents wouldn’t like her anymore yk? Something like that

Where did a six year old get lighters?? I would like to fucking know

This was also around the time he started to realise, that maybe murder and thrashing the house all the time was not a good idea

Diane probably had a talking to him, and was like “Now you’ve got a new brother, you can’t be trying to set his crib on fire or anything, you’re too old for that now”

That made him switch out his lighter for scissors and that was when is Chucky arc properly started

He cut a b i g chunk of Leah’s hair off while she slept, he cut up a lot of his dad’s clothes and tried to stab multiple of his teachers

Like, one of his teachers would go on to have Leah and Nick later, and would always tell them the story of how much of a menace Judd was and show them their scissor scars

Judd was definitely very spoiled too, he used to act kinda like Nick when he was younger

Little man’s thought he was king of the kindergarten fr

Probably carried over into his first years at school too, like 1st to 5th grade Judd was not much different

Omg,, he was a biter too

Like I can see Diane getting mad at him and hoisting him up by his shirt or something, to carry him to his room, but he would just try to bite her the whole time

The same with his teachers, you touch him, you get bitten

I can see him getting into a lot of fights with other boys at school too, either for making fun of him or his dad

Elliot came to pick him up one day and was like singing a little goofy song or whatever, and the other kids wouldn’t stop making fun of him

(Aw, that’s so cute, little Judd secretly defending his dad’s honour at school)

Bc he definitely wouldn’t tell his parents the real reason he got into a fight

Also, if anyone was bullying Leah in the schoolyard, Judd would straight up just spawn

His spidey senses was tingling fr

But he wouldn’t (And still won’t) hesitate to knock anyone who’s mean to his sister the fuck out

I feel like he’d also secretly slip something delicious he got in his lunchbox into Leah’s

Like, if she had a bad day at school and Judd so happened to have a candy bar (probably stolen lets be honest) He would make it suddenly appear in Leah’s lunch box and act all oblivious about it

That’s another thing, Judd was straight up just born w/o a moral compass

Even as a kid, he didn’t really see stealing, violence, ect as wrong

Well it all depends who he’s stealing from or beating up or whatever

But yk, Diane was (and is probably still) like that lol

Tags: @dlfvrr , @bxbyyyjocelyn

(Lemme know if you want to be tagged!)

#judd birch #big mouth #judd birch x reader #headcannons #big mouth x reader

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theharddeck · 11 months

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if anyone has resources on bisexuality pls let me know

or opinions they feel like sharing, or really anything but yeah word vomit below the cut, bc i don't want to overwhelm/ overshare with folks who might not care (which is valid, pls have a good sunday)

so yeah i'm really looking for opinions, shared experiences, or resources that helped anyone else come to terms with their (bi)sexuality. i was raised in a very religious environment but have done a lot to consider myself an ally these days, and lately i've been wondering if maybe it's more than that?

basically i've only ever been with one person (a cis man) and it was fine (typical shenanigans, ultimately me feeling less known/loved by him than i did by my (women) friends, but also the physicality of that relationship kept me in it way longer than it should've, so i'm at least attracted to men physically, if not in other ways), but the more time i spend consuming queer media, the more i'm like...hmm. i've always had deep deep relationships with women (to the point of being the best friend right before they find a man and get married, and then i have the jealousy/fallout of feeling i could care for her better), and celebrity crushes same as anyone, and i truly in my heart feel like i will never be known/loved by a man the way i have been by women (or someone who's nonbinary, but i live in a small community, and don't know anyone in person who isn't cis) (also is that on patriarchy and learned incompetence, rathen than sexuality), BUT THEN is romantic/emotional attraction even the same as sexuality?

up until recently, i'd never considered a future with a woman, but if i think about it, it sounds kinda scary in that it's unfamiliar, but also wayyyy too good to be true? like i just like women better than men, but idk if that translates into physical intimacy...which then lends itself to demisexuality, which is a whole other conversation.

now obviously the easiest thing would be to switch my bumble to men and women, but i'm 28 like i don't want to be that harmful person who's like lol lemme just try it to see like i'm not 21, i don't want to hurt anybody who's secure in their identity and is looking for something serious where i'm like idek what it's like to kiss a girl?? or maybe i'm being dramatic and just another straight woman having a crisis so yeah thoughts/opinions would help, if anyone has any to spare

#bisexual #bisexuality #sana things

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my-castles-crumbling · 3 months

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Ok so I’m the same anon that keeps popping up asking about gender (the one from last week also asking about being on the ace spec) well anyway I’m going away with some friends for a few days. These friends aren’t like my best best friends (key information for later)

Anyway these two friends always refer to me as a girl. Like all the time!!

“Hey girls, …..”

And it’s so annoying, especially bc sometimes I doubt my genderqueerness. It just makes me upset and I know I have no right to be upset bc they are assuming my gender bc I’ve given them no reason to assume otherwise, it’s just it gets me a bit frustrated at them.

So, I’m going away with them now for a few days and I’m thinking maybe I should tell them how I feel about them always referring to me as a girl.

A few problems arise with that however, firstly, I haven’t told anyone about my gender crisis’. Preferably I’d like to come out to a more trusting friend first, like some of my closer friends who know I’m bi. (These two friends don’t know that about me)

Secondly, I have no idea how they would react! They seem open minded sometimes but the very first time I spoke to one of them she said “society these days are too much” literally referring to the lgbtqia+ community. So there’s that.

Any advice? Should I tell them I’m bi for starters, see how they react with that and then talk about gender if it goes well?

Or should I make a subtle comment about like how people should try to be more inclusive with language etc - that way i don’t need to out myself, especially as I’m not ready for that conversation at all as I’m still working it all out.

Ahhh

I just want to feel better, bc everytime they say “girls” it makes me sad.

——

Other than that… thank you so much for helping me!! I think I’m closer to working out my gender now. Ever since you told me I could be genderfluid things are making more sense. Just one more question… could the genders I be fluid with (idk how to word it) be agender and demigirl?? Or does that make no sense!!

Thank you again 💜

Oh my god, "Hey, girls" always gives me the biggest ick! I think it's important to say: it's okay to feel upset about it, even though you haven't said anything. Though I think you're right in saying it's not really their fault, it also sucks to be misgendered.

Okay so with these friends, I think you might be right to feel them out a bit first before you say anything about your actual gender. In an ideal situation, you could just tell them, but since you're not sure how they'll react and this would be your first people coming out to, it would be nice to make sure it's a positive experience.

However, I think you should say something about them referring to you as a girl, before going on a trip with them. But you don't have to get deep into your gender if you don't want to. I'm imagining a conversation like:

You: Hey, I noticed you say things like "hey, girls" a lot. That makes me uncomfortable. Do you think you could not do that?

Them: But why does it matter? Aren't you/we girls?

You: It's not really important what I am, it's just that I'm more comfortable if you say something like "Hey guys" or "hey everyone." You're my friends and I wanted to make sure you know what makes me feel comfortable, because I know you care.

And now it's not as much about your identity, and if they argue, it makes it seem like they don't care about you. Also, I think their reaction to this could be a hint about their reaction to you actually coming out.

Last, as far as what genders you could be fluid with- it could be any genders! What you said makes sense to me, but if it makes sense to YOU, that's most important!

#ask #asks #ask cas

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daz4i · 1 year

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ok ok I'm doing the silly and. talking abt my writing and showing parts of it and you gotta promise not to judge me and even if you find it cringe keep it to yourself pls be nice to me i am very sensitive!!!!!! anyway.

(tw for general depressing shit, mentions of death and implied csa near the end) (also this got so long I'm so sorry)

so the latest song(?) i wrote is called קלף טאקי בשולחן פוקר which is a reference to a local meme lol. i think i mentioned it before but if you missed it, it roughly translates to "uno card at a poker table". i think you can already guess what the topic of the song is. i actually wrote it after months of not writing anything and it felt like some of the grime on my brain was scrubbed off god bless

i have a file of a bunch of lines i come up with and don't know where to put yet and some of them are actually lifted from vent posts i make here and. this song was the first time i used smth from that file!! yippee!!!!

anyway i am not posting the whole thing bc my rhyming is. not good but I'll post some of my favorite parts in it i think. starting with

the lines the song opens with! originally it was called "unfit" (this word will come later too) but i wanted to get silly with it, hence the meme reference

speaking of references, that second line is one, to "avalanche" by bring me the horizon. great depression song go listen to it if you haven't yet. i kept thinking abt that line while writing and eventually i went "sure why not, may as well pay a tiny homage to one of my fav bands ever"

these are the opening lines of the second verse^

ik the length of the first one is a bit much compared to others and esp the first verse (see above), but this is one of the lines i grabbed from the aforementioned collection file and i was too attached to it to change it. i feel like once there's music and shit it might solve this

anyway i feel like here it's clearer what the topic actually is (the chorus also helps, but we'll get to that later) - having to be fake and pretending to be someone else in order for people to like you. the song wasn't originally supposed to be abt that but ngl most of what i write eventually comes to this lol (i think i have at least 3 other pieces about this oof <- joker kinnie)

this one!!!!! is a reference!!!!! to a play i liked as a teen and used a monologue from multiple times in acting school (everyone in the class loved the way i did it and asked me to keep using it in stuff and who am i to say no), dentity crisis by christopher durang!! it's about, well, identity crises lol, and eventually the main character loses herself trying to make sense of the people around her and the chaos of her life so naturally it felt like a fitting reference to make, esp with the whole theater theme

this is the. i wanna say bridge but idk all the right terminology oof. like the part before the final chorus+outro.

i think you might've picked up by now that this is a bit of a silly, somewhat sarcastic song on some level, hence the improv line lmao

when i hear this part in my head it's very dramatic, lots of belting like a broadway showstopper, mixed with some. almost spoken, yet still sing-song-y lines

and here the whole theater motif really picks up the pace too. honestly this one appears in a lot of my writing for obvious reasons, but it's especially fitting when the song is literally about pretending to be someone else in order to be loved

the game thing peeks its head in the first chorus which we will get into in a sec, but either way i think it goes hand in hand. games are often abt getting into the shoes of another character yknow? and there's a whole play on the word, well, play lol. and how it's both for games and for acting (in my first language we straight up don't have another word like "act". it's just the same as play and that's it. so maybe it works better in my head for that reason idk!)

music wise i imagine in the last 2~ lines the beat starts to slow down, the notes become a bit higher, every syllable is drawn out for a bit longer, and in "stops" there's a short pause before the final chorus comes in. speaking of!

yeah showing each of them separately would've been a bit too cringey even for me. i don't think they're good as standalones BUT i like them together paralleling each other. it's smth i like to do in almost every song i write tbh, and very often i switch between "i" "you" and "we" as the song keeps going, to sort of draw the listener/reader in and let them become a part of the "narrative" if they want to and relate to it hehe. kind of make them (and me) feel less alone in this feeling

second chorus talking abt masks is once again smth i put in a lot of what i write (<- joker kinnie. again) askflglg sorry for not being original it will happen again 👍 but what can i say, it's relevant to the topic!!

in the last one i tried adding some sense of urgency. a reminder that this comes after the build up of the bridge, so it'll either be more intense or more quiet. haven't decided yet.

"maybe one day I'll fit" goes with the original "unfit" idea. bc at the end of the day this is what it's all about yknow? gotta make up a humansona and constantly roleplay as it to get through.

and through that "maybe one day" sentiment I'll slide into the outro. it's less sung than it is spoken sing-songly and dramatically to the beat (speaking of, i imagine a slight key change by now, as well as the music itself becoming more chaotic and intense and messy for this part), so i didn't bother much with rhyming or a steady pace heh

i mean. can it really be something i wrote without at least one reference to death and/or being a slut (<- dazai kinnie).

actually ironically "better die as myself than be loved as a character" might be my favorite line in the whole thing bc. well as i said the song is sarcastic. in its essence it's about being TIRED of pretending to be someone else. it's about how it's not something you actually want, you only want its benefits. but eventually, at the end of the song, you're just too tired to keep it up. all shows have to end eventually. and, this connects back to the first chorus - "maybe one day I'll be myself", kind of implying this one day might be in death, since all of life is pretending (only good vibes and fun on this blog ♡)

but. not dead yet. and i still want the benefits. so better find an alternative! nobody needs to know who you are if you've got tits they can touch! - is what i learned growing up and as a teen it never failed me lol.

so, the song ends with finally taking off the mask, but. taking off everything else in the process as well. all for being wanted, or the pretense of being loved, because that's the only thing that matters 👌

and that's it! i apologize for being depressing and for how long it got, but i hope you liked it anyway uwu

#took me longer to write this post than the actual song.#my writing #again . be nice to me please . if you liked any of it you're welcomed to tell me it will make my day tbh 🥺

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iamanartichoke · 3 years

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[please blacklist spoiler tags: #loki tv series spoilers, #loki series spoilers, #loki spoilers]

I know I have missed a lot of people’s takes and reactions, there’s just - there’s so many. So I’m sorry if I’m inadvertantly repeating anyone or whatnot when I proceed to make my own posts.

Cut for length and spoilers.

Which is a segue into - I feel legitimately concerned, based on how many people are reading the TVA as being the moral authority and/or being on Loki’s side, and Mobius Dick’s interrogation being therapeutic for Loki (and how gross that is), along with an emphasis on ooc-ness for Loki and just overall cracks and fractures in the (what I thought was a) more or less solid episode -

I feel legitimately concerned that I may have wildly misinterpreted, like, everything, up to and including Loki’s characterization. And it’s actually kind of hilarious bc like -

Me: All opinions and interpretations are valid! No worries! Also I’m open-minded! Also I have no issue admitting I’m wrong!

Also me: *feels physically ill at the idea that my interpretation is so very wrong*

I’m not even lying, guys, my stomach is in knots. And I guess it’s because, like - I thought that it was pretty straightforward that the TVA are the antagonists here?? That Mobius isn’t Loki’s friend - he’s Loki’s interrogator and handler bc he needs Loki for his own purposes. That the “single sacred timeline” is not only nonsensical but also kinda fucked up (as Loki rightfully points out).

Like I’m watching these scenes and it doesn’t even occur to me to take the TVA’s word as the correct one here. Why would I? I’m taking Loki’s word as the correct one - Loki, the one who’s calling out everything that is stupid and ridiculous about the concept of the Timekeepers and the TVA, the one who is being scape-goated and is aware of it.

To touch on the ooc-ness of Loki - I mean, the first half of the episode was cringey and ooc, yeah; Loki was too over-the-top and the “comedic” tone didn’t quite land (I’m honestly wondering if Tom’s just not good at comedy? I mean, Betrayal was a genuinely funny play (and heartwrenching) but besides that, I can’t think of anything really comedic that he’s done.) but I’m willing to overlook that because when we got into the second half of the episode, he began to feel much more like the Loki I love.

Historically, Loki has consistently been the one to see the truth for what it really is and either saying or doing something about it. He actively tries to delay Thor’s coronation because he recognizes, when no one else does, that Thor is not ready to be king. He knows that Odin isn’t as righteous and wise as he pretends to be (and, in fact, he knows that Odin is guilty of more than Loki could ever be, and he calls that out too). He sees SHIELD as the farce it is (and possibly knows Hydra has infiltrated it; I headcanon that he knew but just didn’t care bc why would he?), and he sees Earth and the humans in a much more accurate light than Thor could hope to. You lie and kill in the service of liars and killers; the humans slaughter each other in droves while you idly fret. Etc. Here, it’s the clowns are playing their parts to perfection (that’s the only quote I can remember right now).

And I mean, yeah, the narrative has never acknowledged that Loki is right about everything. It’s a huge source of frustration for me bc the narrative continues to be so black-and-white about heroes and villains and, being villain-coded, Loki doesn’t get to be validated no matter how right he is.

But I don’t think that’s the case here. I think, as the protagonist, his word holds a bit more weight. It should, at least, and I personally didn’t see anything that made me think that we shouldn’t consider Loki the authoritative voice in all of this. Loki, not the TVA.

Mobius’s interrogation? Was very clearly cruel and fucked up, to me. The sham of a fake ass trial that Loki had to endure, with the implication being that no one who stands trial is actually getting a fair trial bc the TVA has no intention of judging anyone not guilty? Fucked up, with horrifying implications. The process of deleting people from existence being literally as detached and soulless as a trip to the DMV (complete with tickets!)? Very disturbing. Like, none of these things are the traits that I would look at and say, hmm, yeah, these guys seem legit and totally correct about everything, too bad for Loki.

And Loki’s reactions to Mobius - his frustration, his defiance, and his eventual emotional breakdown (which we only saw when Loki was completely alone) all felt accurate to me. Again, there were a lot of over the top aspects of Tom’s performance here but I think what makes me more willing to overlook them is that, in general, we’re getting a more animated Loki than we’ve gotten to see him before, in a way that feels true to him as opposed to whatever was going on with him in Ragnarok.

He’s not in the middle of a mental breakdown/identity crisis. He’s not being mind-controlled anymore (or influenced). He’s not being villain-coded while Thor is propped up as the hero and the ideal which, to me, means that we are actually getting to see Loki’s personality when all of that is taken away and the only thing he’s got left is himself. It’s a really shitty situation and I hate that he’s in it, but after the initial exaggerated reactions, his response to it worked for me.

So - yeah. And now I’m like, biting my nails and my stomach is in knots bc I thought I knew Loki and I had a comfortable idea of Loki, and I thought I was more or less decent at interpreting things - but, so, clearly there were things happening and being picked up on that just whooshed right over my head bc it never occurred to me to be on the lookout for them in the first place. Does that make sense? I don’t even know what I’m saying.

Just - I am really, really doubting my own perception of what this series is attempting to do with Loki and it does not feel good at all. So I guess ultimately I am not capable of putting my money where my mouth is and treating all interpretations as valid, when it comes to myself. (I didn’t realize I was that far up my own ass so as to speak confidently about validity while telling myself that my idea is pretty correct.) Soo there we are.

Idk if I even want to post this but it’s time for me to clock out now so, for better or for worse, *hits post button*

#sorry this is rambly and i need to make it clear i am in no way #taking issue with anyone else's takes or opinions or feelings #i am more or less just saying that i'm doubting *my* takes and opinions and feelings #and i don't like how it feels #that's all #please don't @ me #loki tv series spoilers #loki series spoilers #loki spoilers #loki series meta

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traumatisedbabygay · 2 years

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ight im gonna go off about the gender crisis again, because its my blog and vent space and i'll do what i want ;)

would i be allowed to label myself as agender, even though i dont experience any gender discomfort? Like, when someone calls me a girl, or says im a sister, daughter, ect, i dont feel uncomfortable. I just feel....indifferent. It doesn't necessarily feel right, but if it felt wrong surely id be feeling more than just mild confusion. agender usually means "genderless", but could it also mean gender...indifferent? Gender...apathetic?

If i were to try and make a comparison so i can better comprehend my thoughts, itd be this. If i were unconscious due to, idk, anaesthesia or something, and then had a surgery performed, id feel nothing. Id feel no pain, no tickling. If when i was still asleep after my mum caressed my face i wouldnt feel comfort. I wouldnt feel anything. Good, bad or neutral. All i would feel would be the dreamscape that the medically induced deep sleep placed me in: abstract. Non definable. One minute in that dream i could be strolling through an enchanted forest, the next I could be falling endlessly. But no matter what happened in those dreams, my physical body would be too out of it to react. Its like my gender identity is in a very deep sleep, feeling nothing objectively but everything abstractly, all at once.

Now lets say those "abstract dreams" in the metaphor was presentation. Most of the time i present very feminine, traditionally. My style is vintage/historical, lots of long skirts and frilly blouses and braided hair. Dressing like that makes me confident, comfortable. But I also really enjoy dressing more masculine. Of course, with super long hair ill always appear somewhat feminine, but wearing waistcoats and vintage trousers and shirts makes me feel confident too. I once said to my nana when i wore a particularly masculine outfit "some days i want to be elizabeth bennet, but somedays i want to be mr darcy". But no matter how feminine or masculine i feel, i dont know how to interpret that as gender. I feel like a girl, if "feeling like a girl" could be defined as "feeling like a vague blur of nothingness". Or am i just equating femininity with girliness. Do i actually just feel feminine, but not "girly".

sjdhskdjdjjddjdjfh why is this so confusing? I genuinely think either agender or genderqueer are labels to consider, even if no label feels better. With the way my brain works, i still need some form of label. but how do i know im not just overthinking things? If i am just, in fact, a cis girl who doesnt understand what that really means?

Surely its not that uncommon an experience? To not be able to recognise what gender feels like. I dont even know what its *meant* to feel like, unlike when i was questioning my sexuality and knew exactly what liking men was meant to feel like bc of my straight friends. Can i call myself a girl for simplicity's sake? It doesnt make me sad or uncomfy, if im being honest it doesnt feel like anything. Could i say im a genderqueer girl? As in, "i'll say im a girl if asked only because the real answer is so fucking complicated and undefined that even I dont know how to word it". As in "i might say im a girl but really my relationship to gender and womanhood is so much more than that. my gender is paradoxial. I both feel and dont feel like something, but i dont even know how to describe that small "something"."

Or would i say im a genderqueer femme? I dont mind being equated with feminitity, but underneath that feminine surface everything is so jumbled and hard to decipher that its easier to just act like a girl and not think about it.

but now ive opened the can of worms. i kinda have to think about it now.

or would i just say, "hey, im (name), my pronouns are she/her but idc if you use anything else, and im......i exist." Because at the end of the day, does it matter that i cant put how i feel into words that feel adequate? Surely just existing, acknowledging that *something* is going on beneath the surface but knowing it doesnt affect me enough to seek out a label, is fine too, right?

god why is this so fucking hard

#agender #genderqueer #questioning my gender #why is gender so confusing #halp

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convenientalias · 4 years

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I Rate Every Cdrama I’ve Watched According to Quality of Whump

Which is not actually that many cdramas.

For context, @ineedarendezvous replied to this post:

These are exactly the factors I care about too. NIF has my favorite category of whump too: sickness. Fellow whump lover, what do you recommend in terms of viewing cdramas?

I’m just going to use this as an excuse to Rate Every Cdrama I’ve Ever Watched According to Whump Right Now (though I have to warn you that sickness isn’t actually my favorite form of whump, which is why I initially rated Nirvana in Fire lower than it deserved, but! I will make note of that factor):

Ancient Detective: A solid 9/10. Jian Buzhi nearly gets stabbed almost every episode and needs to be rescued bc he doesn’t know any martial arts. Technically he doesn’t get stabbed but I still give him the points for being a dude in distress. And, relevant to your interests, about a fourth of the way into the show or less he gets poisoned with two different fuckign poisons and spends the rest of the show kind of ill. One of these poisons is a chilling poison which means he gets to be dramatically cold. All this and you still get to have supporting characters stabbing themselves in the legs to save hostages or going through a midlife crisis over not wanting to be an assassin. Whump was the reason I was watching this show (I also thought the characters were cute and the food looked good, but that’s the subject of another post).

The Disguiser: ...like a 7.5/10? Whump is very around in this show--like, people do get shot and kidnapped and watch their friends die and get used and betrayed and tortured--but there are also a fair number of episodes with really no whump except vague emotional angst. I appreciated the whump in this show and it did hook me in early episodes, but I can admit that I was also suckered by Delicious Soup and Rice Eaten By a Hungry Ming Tai and family dynamics and identity porn. (I forgot... identity porn is the third factor of me watching cdramas lols. But it still can’t stand without whump or food.) Still. Wasp training Ming Tai in particular was some great whump for me, as was everything about the death plan. No sickness that I can remember though.

The Flame’s Daughter: 10/10. Maybe I’m not being objective here but. Like four different dudes are chained up in dungeons at some point, a couple of whom are tortured. There are THREE DIFFERENT forced marriages. Two different guys get blinded by enemies--the circumstances aren’t even fuckign related. Two different guys get mortally ill from a Chill Spell, because being dramatically cold is a recurring wuxia motif. There’s also some people getting framed for crimes, and one dude who gets very depressed over a moral crisis for a solid portion of the show and wanders around getting drunk, which is kind of whump adjacent. Just in general a very fuckign whumpy show. I watched this show primarily for Yu Zihan, a very smart and fairly quiet disabled prince who possibly gets whumped more than anyone else but there’s a lot of competition so idk.

Handsome Siblings: 8/10. Jiang Xiaoyu, our trusty trickster protagonists, gets either poisoned or captured like every other episode, but a lot of this is played for humor, so it loses a little of that whumpy impact--though on the other hand, I sometimes like my whump with a little humor, so I didn’t really mind. The secondary protagonists wander around being angsty but I don’t really care about them. Was I watching this show for the whump? Yes.

Love Is More Than a Word: 3/10. This is not a whumpy show but Gu She did get beaten For Love, and there are some dead parents to be angsty over, and the ending leaves it up in the air whether the protags are going to die very soon, so..... it’s not like there’s nothing. But don’t watch it for the whump, no no.

Nirvana in Fire: 7.5/10. Mei Changsu is sick all the time, so there’s always that going on, and even when he’s not being angsty about it you know he’s kind of bitter in his heart. There’s also the whole Xuanjing Bureau thing, poor Jingrui, and Prince Yu’s eventual angsty fate, which allow the whump in Nirvana in Fire to be more diverse. So, you ask, why am I not rating it higher? Because Prince Yu and Mei Changsu are also Tragic, and my favorite kind of whump is whump with a happy ending, and I’m petty.

That is actually all the cdramas I’ve actually completed. I’ve watched others partway through but let’s be real, if I dropped a drama it’s whump was Not Enough. Anyways I guess for sickness I’d recommend Ancient Detective and The Flame’s Daughter for two cases of Dramatically Being Really Cold.

A weird thing is that shows being whumpy doesn’t actually make them that serious? Like Ancient Detective and The Flame’s Daughter actually have a lot of humor and cheesiness going on. Maybe that’s just my favorite brand of whump, though--it’s important to have a balance.

#cdrama #whump

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the-gayest-tree-you-ever-did-see · 3 years

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it’s been like forever since i’ve been to india and now all my cousins have children. yikes, i might have to invest in that rope hairband thing lol or maybe those child harnesses.

ahh you’re so right! like there’s so many family secrets that i didn’t know of until my grandma spilled the tea lmao.

ooh I’ve heard of aru shah, it was like published by rick riordan! I haven’t read it, but it seems super cool. the artwork for the books is so pretty though 🥺

i don’t think I’ve read the actual text but I’ve heard the stories growing up. i really want to read it on my own so i can get my own perspective on things.

i can’t believe you’re telugu and haven’t heard of dhee!! it’s a dance show and it’s been like running for 13 years?? i used to love it as kid, but the jokes are repetitive and kind of homophobic so yeah...

but dancee sounds cool and kind of similar to dhee lol

same!! i remember as a kid I always wanted a pen pal. handwritten letters make me soft cause like you took time of your day :)to write :) to me:))

also i can’t believe you like shadowhunters too. like stop, you’re stealing my identity. i do respectfully disagree malec in the books is so much better (even though i didn’t rlly watch the show, i just have a lot of opinions lmao)

completely unrelated, i am fully surprised that you’re 5’2 you give off tall person energy and i can say that cause i’m 5’8

mwah mwah (sorry this is so long and ily for putting up with my shit)

indi <3

actually. the summer we were planning to go was when the pandemic hit, and we cant go this summer either, so its been over three years (which i know isnt a lot compared to others, but due to covid and other things, there've been a lot of deaths in the family and i wont be able to go to their funerals and i need to stop talking about this or itll make me sad) and a lot of my friends got married 😔 some of them im okay with, but i have a few friends who are young and their husbands are iffy, and one friend im terrified for bc she just graduated seventh class and her dad married her off to a 40 year old and he does not seem like a good person, but i wasnt there to help and phone calls can only do so much. okay this is way too dark way too fast

lmao forget the grandmas, weddings are when the uncles open their mouths and spill every little secret their wives told them, i could make ten tv shows after spending half an hour with one uncle 😭

mhm, its by Roshani Chokshi but it was written under Rick Riordan Presents instead of her usual label, and you are soo right!! the covers are stunning, especially the one for the fourth book? could cry from the beauty (but maybe its bc John Rocco's interpretations of Rick's characters were ugly as fuck) (sorry John, your art style is cool but literally everyone hates how you drew nico)

no exactly, i do remember reading it but not any part of the stories that i havent heard from other people, so i want to read it on my own someday

i think i have vague memories of dhee, but i only recently started watching telugu shows lol. i watched this one called Nagini for a little while and that was cool but i lost interest when i came back to the us bc it was just too hard to find it. dancee+ is a bit homophobic, but there was one group who did vacking and one of the judges went on to explain the lgbtq+ origin of it and another judge joined in and no one was outright hostile about it, bare minimum i know, but it made me very happy

i knowww, i used to write letters to the universe when i was younger, mostly like "did you think i wouldnt notice. i just learned that word and now its everywhere. shut the fuck up universe." and did that up until seventh grade actually. you know, that was kind of cathartic, maybe i should start doing that again. listen here you little shit-

we literally... are the same person. i am having... a crisis

and idk i kind of swing back and forth between which one is better, but i usually say the show version is better bc alec never had that whole thing of trying to take away magnus' immortality after finding out how many people he'd been with like sir 😭✋🏽 he literally has been around since "the Dead Sea was a little pool of water feeling a bit poorly" (love that line). but also in the books theres a lot more development bc of that, plus we get to see their kids (max 🥺 and rafael that little bastard 🥺 aw remember when max said bapak for the first time 😭) and their wedding (idk if their wedding was in the show) so again, its back and forth. i havent actually seen the show either, so im probably not a valid person to have an opinion on this.

tall person energy just reminds me of finn and that whole "i know you" fiasco 😭 idk if you were there for that, i'll look back and see if i can link them in the next letter/ask/whatever this is *resists making a "what are we" joke*

you're 5'8??? *resists "hows the weather up there" joke* im trying my best to grow but im stuck i dont think ill be getting much taller than this 😔 im too old

mwah mwah mwah (three kisses bc i love talking to you and its not putting up with your shit, its a fun conversation and i wouldnt dream of doing anything else right now)

i love you indi <3

#asks #also i literally double everything you say and ramble on and on so dw im much worse #the tree speaks #indiphannon

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luxsea · 5 years

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For the character ask, ven and riku!! 😆💖💖

*axel voice* two? >:Oand youre hittin me with my faves too oh boythis is a bit long and ranty so im putting it under a read more

ven

How I feel about this character: ohhhhhhhh thats my boy right there. thats my ultimate comfort character, my son, my stars, i really really love him a lot, can you tell? idk why im so drawn to him, i guess hes kinda the goal of how i wanna be as a person, kind hearted, strong willed, a great sleeper. i just think hes neat

All the people I ship romantically with this character: absolutely no one idk thats just how it is. i think its bc of his weird transcending age and i see the heart hotel as fam

My non-romantic OTP for this character: ive fabricated the perfect dream friendship that is ventus and roxas but nomura teased it and left it out just to spite me. ive got so many headcanons i need fulfilled, all the mischief and the pranks, the identity crisis talk, anything, WORDS, not this blank stare secret telepathic convo

My unpopular opinion about this character: im guilty of callin him a baby i guess but i get it, its fun and harmless but people do infantilize him in a way and that does.. shadow parts of his character. he’s a complex character just like everyone else. hes really cute and sweet but also devoted, brave, self-sacrificing and rlly badass. like, i never believed in the whole traiter ven theory but i did rlly like it bc it was like the first time i saw ppl putting him in a more serious light… even if it was kinda fucked up. i do think the way terra and aqua treat him sometimes with their whole older sibling/parental role is why ppl see him as such a kid. even tho he’s technically grandpa with amnesia and eternal youth. i love kingdom hearts.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: besides the roxas interaction, idk, im just..this sounds weird but im glad my fave is a character that is certain to have a future in the series. im just so excited for him, to learn even more about him and to see him grow, learn about his past, deal with the trauma of being in every keyblade war ever.. ouch. hmm i do want them to address his pure heart, bc technically he’s a prince of heart then? not even sora is like that, with all the darkness extracted out of him into another person. they gotta touch on that more. also more vanitas interactions that go farther than what we got in kh3.

reeku

How I feel about this character: top 10 anime crushes, i wish i was joking but whenever i think of him i cant help but remember when i was like 8 playing kh1, i would restart my ps2 over and over just to rewatch the opening and see him. i had such a huge crush on him and i still do. hes another big comfort character. also i think hes the most well written kingdom hearts character. i could literally write a book on him but i wont. yet.All the people I ship romantically with this character: im diehard soriku endgame actually, i have never invested more brain power and love into a ship as i have with this one, it just brings me so much comfort and joy and everything about it is so tender, sweet and devoted. it doesnt matter how you see it, they love each other so much and that love is the power that keeps the series going, the motivation to protect one another, to yearn to grow to love. i m gay. My non-romantic OTP for this character: oh gosh i might just list a few. rikus a bit complicated bc most of his relationships with others havent developed far so ill just list some interactions i wish to see more of. kairi!! i long for the bond they used to have in kh1, roxas, i find this one funny but they could bond so much after the loss of sora, xion too!! i loved their interactions in days i need more, namine too. mike mouse! thats his dad,, theres a lot more i just rlly want riku to have more friends he deserves all the loveMy unpopular opinion about this character: idk if this is unpopular but these are hot takes i see that kinda make me lose my mind. ppl thinking he has no room for more character development? that his story is over, that he should have actually died in kh3 bc hes done, as if thats what you do for a character once theyve been developed past a certain point, it just makes no sense really and it seems ppl have other motivations for these opinions like they wanna get rid of him bc they fear how far he will go in a way. real bad takes. im one of those ppl that believe riku is gay, theres not beating around it thats just how it is. there is no convincing me otherwise. also i want him to grow his hair out again.One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: he has reached the height of just one phase of personal growth and development. his story is far from over, there are still open ends with him, secrets he is keeping, things the series CONSTANTLY is hinting at. ofc, i want a soriku confession, some kind of openness of their feelings or at least some kind of adressessing of how much they care about each other. tho i dont wanna let myself down for future games, i know for certain there will be plenty more surprises.

#ty moona!#sorry for the slowness im sleepy and also paralyzed with love #moonav #ask game #long post

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aprilsoul · 5 years

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wheeeeeee

i havent slept in the past 40 hours and all i wanna do is tap out of being alive for like 5 minutes. i feel like a dumbass bc im on vacation and im supposed to be having a good time, see family etc but i rly just wanna lock myself in my room (as usual) and idk i feel stupid i cant even vent right or put this into words well. cant even break down properly cuz im sharing a space with my sister this whole week :)) anyway im stressed as hell over going back to work even tho ive only been there a few days i wanna tap out, but ik if i do ill feel like a quitter or fragile but i rly cant take getting yelled at or messing up again. i cant HANDLE it and idk why its ridiculous of me and it happened days ago but idk maybe i have crippling anxiety surrounding failure or something. unrelated too but i feel myself continually slipping back into the place i was in during 10/11/early 12 grades, which is, yknow, [trigger warning] casually-to-not-so-casually suicidal. and idk how to make it stop but its scaring me!! i fought hard to get out of that but please tell me it wasnt for just one year of peace. im also super stressed about my identity on top of all that, bc of course the first thing i need rn is an identity crisis. like ok. what am i supposed to do here. flipturn my life upside down to chase some stupid fantasy of dressing like a boy? what the hell is the point? what if its not even what i want and im just gonna have this cringey phase stapled to my forehead for the rest of my life. like that SNK jacket in 9th grade but worse and permanent. im already ugly as it is anyway. its ridiculous. everyting abt me feels ridiculous. like i feel like a clown 24/7. like shut up lol anyway this is near-unreadable on purpose but if u actually read this whole thing pat on the back to you and pretend u never saw this ECKS DEE

#personal #vent #long post #in case read more doesnt work

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poisonedamaryllis · 5 years

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Good morning peach!! What's the gods and goddesses au about? *A* 😘👌❤🌹🌠

HELLO MARS!! I’ve finally gotten around to answering this! I took a lot of time because beside my legendary laziness and poor time management skills, I uhhh had no idea what this AU was truly about XD But now I do!

The idea stemmed a whiiiiiile ago, months ago I think, maybe more, when I had a dream where Hana was the goddess of death who could summon zombies. And like, that’s cool and all but Hana as the goddess of Death wouldn’t make much sense so when I started blogging about the gods and goddesses AU, I had conflicting representations of what she was in this AU and of what the plot would be.

A quick look at what had inspired me helped me grasp better what I wanted from this AU!

The story revolves around a sacred kingdom of gods who rule over the world. Everything in that world is attached to the authority of a good: life, death, birth, nature, time... The balance of the world is the hands of a few godly beings, and would one of them become rogue, that balance would be lost.

Or at least, that was what his family had told him.

Killua isn’t a god. Not yet, according to his family, at least. He is the heir of the Zoaldyeck family--the House of Chaos that gathers the gods at the source of every tempestuous crisis in the world. His father, Silva, the God of Chaos and Liars, has great expectations regarding Killua’s future reign over his House. He knows his son has infinite potential and outstanding power, but there is only one slight issue: he doesn’t know what Killua would be the god of.

Here is the thing: a lot of gods weren’t born as gods. Most of them were muses, some nymphs, some monsters, witches, fairies, and a handful were humans before they acquired the power to join the Garden of Divinities.

At this point, Killua is just a muse. Muse of Destruction, his family calls him, a step behind his rightful place as the God of Destruction in the House of Chaos. Killua doesn’t think that suits him--he has too many dreams of the human world, daydreams of travels and bare feet in the grass, questions about all the things life has to offer to the living--and he doesn’t like the title, but his family knows better. Family always does.

Things change when the Goddess of Light goes missing.

Nightfall takes over--darkness is upon the world, and the sun dims into a pale shadow of itself. The Council of Gods is summoned to find a solution, with Silva at its head. They know they have to take heavy measures quickly and efficiently to find the goddess before it’s too late.

Without light, there is no life.

Killua is the one tasked to find the goddess, a mission that is meant to affirm his place as a god and not just as a muse.

It is his one chance to grow--and the world’s fate is in his hands. Yet all he can think about is that he will be wandering in the world of humans. Unmonitored. Without his brother’s constant scrutiny trained on him.

Free.

During his journey to find the goddess, Killua meets rogue gods for the first time in his life. His father always spoke of them as though they were disgraces--the gods who had given up their rule in the kingdom to mingle with the humans--but Killua doesn’t see it that way. He was always curious of those legendary gods who had done what he could only dream of--even if it was unspeakable among his kind.

So when he meets Gon, the God of Nature, Family, and Fishermen, Leorio, God of Healing and Fortune, and Elias, the God of Time and Memories, Killua is torn. They alert him of the cunning and thirst for power that is breeding a new movement in the kingdom--a movement they fled--but they offer nonetheless to aid him in his quest to find the missing goddess, as it is not just the politics of the kingdom that is jeopardized by her absence but the balance of the whole world.

They find her, together, eventually. She was never in hiding, or missing--not really.

The real issue is that she has forgotten everything. The one thing she still remembers is her name.

Hana.

................

:DDD

OKAY LOOK... this is very sloppy because I have a feeling this could evolve into a story of its own because the political intrigue behind it is worth its own story XD

Basically, Silva is the god of Chaos, and he’s baaaad because i can do that. he’s been abusing Killua since he was a kid to try and fit him into his mold because he thinks Killua has incredible power and potential to become a great god.

He’s right about that! Killua will become a god, but he certainly won’t be the god of destruction and that’s where Silva’s understanding of his son stops.

Now, the intrigue behind it is that since Silva rules over the House of Chaos (the house of the Zoaldyecks divinities), he has a lot of power over the kingdom. His wife is the goddess of Madness, his first son became the god of Nothingness, and he is about sure his third son could be destruction incarnate! (milluki who??? silva doesnt him hekjhg). Now, the problem is that his decisions in the council are always countered by the other houses (House of Life, House of Arts, House of Justice, etc.). Silva doesn’t seek absolute power--he seeks the resilience of his opponents to make his decretes pass.

Why? i dont know because he is persuaded he wants to stop those silly dreams from polluting his son’s head; and for that, he needs the power to change the world and so, to change his son--Killua.

Yeah he’s worse than in the anime lol.

So what’s the best thing for him to do if he wants the other Houses to give up to him?

Well, he needs Chaos to be absolute. And for that, he wants absolute Darkness, and he wants the Goddess of Death to relinquish her power (that’s Duanphen, the goddess of death :D). With Death in his house and Light abolished, he could exercize his power over the world no matter what the other Houses think and thus destroy his son’s dreams and exert absolute control over him.

Because, you know, that’s what’s best for him :))

SOOO since this is kinda very evil, Hana, the goddess of light, has word of the scheme and she decides to go rogue (like Gon and Elias) so that Silva can’t find her and force her to relinquish her power over light (because she doesn’t want absolute darkness you know). But Silva knows!! so there’s a fight blabla and since he’s more powerful he sows chaos in her mind and she forgets everything about who she is--including her rule over Light. She still manages to escape before he controls her, so YEAH there is darkness all over the world, but since he didn’t catch her, she can still have the chance to recover her memory and thwart his plans!!!

Hence why he sends Killua to find her. He is convinced this will make killua a ~~~truuue~~~ god of destruction and it will bring back the girl he wants to control so she can’t meddle with his plans.

Now here’s the thing: killua will befriend gon, leorio, and elias, and they’ll teach him that everything his father has been teaching him from birth is wrong!! then they find Hana, and she slowly recovers her memory and shares what she knows about the baaad evil plans. (and they fall in love obviously duh). It’s through her that Killua will learn he’s got nothing to do with destruction and that’s why he never managed to become a god--he’ll eventually accept his true nature and become the God of Curiosity and Rebels. With a dash of lightning bc i can.

Oh and ofc there are other ocs in there! Idk if they’ll be as prominent but Malzi is the god of Darkness and since Hana (goddess of light) is gone, he has WAY TOO MUCH WORK ON HIS HANDS because there’s way too much darkness to manage, which pisses him off, so he decides to investigate where the fuck she went because goddammit i didn’t sign to manage the entire world’s darkness and this is why we can’t trust young gods, these silly kids. And Arashi is the goddess of Enigmas and Riddles and she senses Silva has iffy intentions so she pairs up with Duanphen (goddess of death) to figure this out.

And well, Natsu also looks for her daughter--goddess or not, Hana is still her baby. I think Natsu is the goddess of Protection.

ANYWAYY this is getting way too long XD I hope this answers roughly what this AU is about! It would deserve its own story to exist but it’s really fun to think about XD Hana as the goddess of light is so fitting and I love the idea of Killua slowly coming to terms with the fact that his family abused him and lied to him and well, him finding his own path and identity through meeting with people who understand him.

#gods and goddesses au #au #oh boi i wrote a lot #sorry XDD #oooodlesofnooodles

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rookiewithachance · 7 years

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ok you know what this is getting its own post so tumblr doesnt delete half my tags and therefor half the shit i have to say about this like it did with the first version of this post

personal shit below the cut—nothing bad or graphic or triggering (unless you count minor gender dysphoria and parents not getting it...) just me ranting about my parents and the gender identity crisis im going through right now.... so read at your own discretion

i knOW that this isn’t like a special or new issue.... this shit happens to lots of people, where they’re going through gender identity crises or what have you, and when they talk to their parents about it the parents just don’t fuckin get it. they’re not even like angry about it they just actively don’t understand, and they do it in a semi harmful way.

but listen okay l i s t e n

if i have to listen to my mom say “but why do you need to label it, why can’t you just be you” one more time im gonna mcfuckin lose it ok

she means well i know she does and she and my dad are from a very different time where labels were considered Bad but listen ma, i love you but a) why does what i choose to call myself bother you so damn much especially when you can see that im upset about it when i brought it up, and b) this??? IS me being myself????? that is exACTLY WHAT’S HAPPENING RN im trying!! to figure out who or what myself is!!! but thank you!!!!! for adding to my doubt and feeding the voice in my head that tells me that i’m just making shit up and that i’m taking away from the people who are actually going through gender stuff and that im just overthinking myself..................... because lowkey it feels like thats what im doing. and i know i kNOW that that’s probably not true because that’s exactly what i did with mental illness and boom would you look at that, and my mental health is probably affecting this as well, but...... mER

i dont even know if i can CALL this gender dysphoria... idk like that phrase carries such weight to me and this doesnt feel like its... at that level?? i dont feel like i was born into the wrong body or that i need to transition in any way bc to me my genitals dont have to define my gender. like look ok fuckin listen i have a fuckin vulva and a vagina and mammaries’r’w/e and shit but that doesnt have to mean im a girl. i dont need a dick to be masculine, just like i dont have to have a vulva to be feminine. which side tangent why do i even care masculinity and femininity are both social constructs and are complete bullshit in my opinion so whY DOES THIS EVEN MATTER TO ME??? @my brain what the actual fuck why are you like this

anyways

its not even like.... being referred to as female is what bothers me. i don’t mind she/her pronouns, i dont really care about what pronouns people use for me, but it’s just................. when someone uses female-coded or even male-coded language in reference towards me. things that started as gendered but became more neutral like dude or babe and other shit dont bother me its just...... like listen every time one of my parents calls me baby girl it lowkey actually makes me want to cry, and i dont know why i just feel so shitty being called that

i also just sometimes.... feel more masculine or more feminine than other times and wanna present differently. like im considering looking into getting a binder because i really feel like that would help with the presentation stuff but also!!! theres that doubt again!!!!! ahahahahaha silly kelli ur not trans binders arent For You and if you buy them that’s appropriation or something, either way its bad and you should feel shitty for considering it :)

is this like................ idk, is this genderfluid???? is that what this is??????? idk idk ive just been saying gender nonconforming bc that covers the gist of it and lets me sort my shit out without the pressure of needing to “””stay true””” to whatever label or thing i use..... again, another irrational anxiety but h e y thats me for ya

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa this is getting long but heres the thing: i love my parents. i really fucking do. they have their shortcomings of course because being the perfect parent is literally impossible, but all in all im pretty fortunate to have such loving parents. but theyre just. theyre a lot right now. i get it okay i do, they miss me and theyre going through separation stuff and they feel like theyre losing me or whatever but like...... i dont........ want to video chat every night, like we did my freshman year. i needed that then, and what i need now is...... space. some space to figure out how to be a singular entity doing shit for myself and having time to be alone with my thoughts yknow. my mental health is in the goddamn sewers and i havent been sleeping as well as i should be and im feeling overwhelmed with schoolwork and clubs and then of course all this gender stuff started happening :) so yeah sorry if im not very talkative when you chat with me every single night. i dont have much to talk about, and the stuff you guys talk about???? sorry but.... i dont really care. its shitty to say but i just. i dont. i love you guys but i have better shit to be doing than talking about who you saw in the coffeeshop this morning or what happened at work

and see, normally i would talk to them about this. but i just... dont think that would do anyone any good. they wont understand it, and then when i explain it theyre just gonna feel dumb, and theyre gonna forget and slip up and never remember and then just go around feeling guilty about it without ever changing their language...... and their guilt is gonna make me feel like shit too. so whats even the point of telling them about it?? of getting them to actually sit down and listen instead of bringing it up in the middle of sobbing my way through my woes and my parents asking me well meant but upsetting questions and then moving on as if nothing happened

sigh........... idk. thats about it i guess. congrats if you got this far, im sending you digital hugs. words of support are of course appreciated but not at all necessary, i aint fishin for anything im just here to lay it all out in one place. hopefully i get some of all this mess sorted out. if i had more money id just go ahead and buy a binder but im a bit strapped for cash. not broke per se but i have very limited funds and those have to carry me through the entire semester, so....... trying not to make any unnecessary purchases and my brain refuses to justify a binder as something worth the money.......... which again, is probably not true, but.... we’ll see.

much love to you all, im gonna head to bed and try to sleep cause i got class in the morning and i still havent finished the readings ;3

#personal #about me #long post #//fingerguns #im not really looking for answers or anything i just needed to put it all down in one place and idk why else do i have a blog than to #send my thoughts spiraling into the endless void of the unforgiving internet to be lost to obscurity #//flails limbs #im tired #night yall

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fireinclined-archive · 7 years

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HELLION

who is hellion?

so in an ironic twist of fate, life inclined cassandra would be the most reckless, thoughtless, and violent version of cassandra and to be quite honest, i don’t think she and splinter would ever be friends, let alone her becoming the mother of the turtles.

people who are life inclined should have the ability to heal and to kill- it’s only the limitations added to the capellan gene pool that made it so that life inclined people could not kill without dying themselves. that ability still exists. just as regular cassandra can be a wildfire or a campfire, life inclined cassandra can be a healer or a killer, and what hat she’s wearing can change very quickly.

life inclined cassandra- who we’ll call “hellion” bc tbh that’s what she is, feels cheated out of her ability to kill- one half of her inclination is closed off to her. so to compensate for this, she has trained herself to be EXTREMELY skilled in battle. like holy shit, she is a huge fucking threat. and she lives for the thrill of battle, because she can also use her ability to heal in battle…on herself.

she’s so reckless with her own body- i’m not sure if she can, say, mend an a limb that’s been cut off back onto her body, but she has some serious skills. so she’s self destructive bc who cares!!! she can just heal herself!!

in this same vein, she doesn’t care about the safety of others. who cares! i’ll just heal them! she pushes people to do things outside of their comfort zone in a bad way, she’s vulgar and mean, and quick to resort to violence. she won’t kill innocent people but..she’s very comfortable with the idea of killing.

hellion joins the foot clan after arriving on earth, but is uncomfortable when she realizes the turtles are just kids, and after one significant event, she defects

hellion’s change of heart

cassandra once said splinter’s kindness is what she loves the most about him and that he reminds her of all the good that’s left in the galaxy on the bad days. that’s really fucking important!! in ANY au.

so…i’m thinking specifically in the manhattan project, when they’ve captured and drugged splinter, hellion looks in his eyes that are full of hurt, and there’s just…something about him. something about him that when shredder starts his fight with splinter and splinter clearly doesn’t stand a chance, hellion whips out her Super Cool Space Gun™ and shoots shredder right between the eyes (or..not, because that would derail the rest of the series but i really am in love with the idea of hellion just. casually killing him). in the ensuing chaos, hellion suddenly switches sides, since she has no loyalty to the foot whatsoever.

at the end of the fight, splinter asks her why she helped him, and the real reason is that she could sense the kindness in him, and…hellion has lived a life deprived of kindness, so much so that she craves that mineral kindness. granted, that’s been mostly her own choice, but still.

what does she tell him? “you remind me of someone i once knew.”

which…isn’t a lie. the last person who had that kind of kindness in hellion’s life was keandra, and he’d been repulsed by how violent and mean hellion had become, and their friendship ended on a bad note. hellion goes to leave after saying this, then stops and adds that she’s not a threat to them anymore, and that they might see her around, but she’s got a bunch of stuff to work out.

hellion’s redemption arc

after the manhattan project, hellion lays low, with the foot after her for her betrayal. she doesn’t really do anything noteworthy until the invasion, which is the height of hellion’s redemption. she sets up a clinic and for the first real time ever, uses her powers to heal others more than herself.

after the invasion is over, hellion sets up an illegal clinic somewhere for mutants (and humans too, but mostly mutants.). in order to make it legitimate some day and also just so she knows how to better help people, she starts putting herself through medical school

hellion’s capellan turtles

she’s got a huge soft spot for children. so…let’s say even more auish capellan turtles au, since that’s the only au where she actually gets the opportunity to raise them. hellion at this point has recognized that theon was abusive and that she doesn’t want to raise her children that way. instead…she looks back to her mothers.

she remembers evelyn’s playful roughhousing, and so she tickles them and lets them ride on her back and picks them up and spins them around. she remembers cammilyn’s reassurance and the way she encouraged cassandra to the best she could be, and so hellion encourages her children wholeheartedly in whatever they pursue. she remembers raelyn’s grace and wisdom, and struggles to be the same.

hellion would still be violent and get in fights but never, ever would she even consider laying a hand on her own children. or tearing them down with her words. she is so fucking soft with her family in a way she isn’t anywhere else.

she wouldn’t join the foot because now she has a reason to care about herself- she has to be there for her kids. she’d probably?? start her transformation into a Good Person™ because of her kids, not splinter. idk where splinter would even fit in in this au

hellion’s turts would be a lot rougher, a lot rowdier, and with zero respect for authority (…other than hellion’s tbh). they’re punks, rebels without causes…a lot like hellion herself. but she’s raised them to respect good, innocent people, so they don’t hurt anyone…without reason.

hellion trying to discipline her kids is?? so laughable because she tries not to yell so she’s just trying to put them in time outs or w/e but they’re just running around and screaming and she’s just standing in the middle of this chaos, having a silent breakdown

if any of the boys hit each other outside of the socker boppers, the punishment is much more severe. they lose tv privileges, have to do chores for the brother they hit, etc, etc. i’d imagine since this is one of the biggest and most important rules- don’t hurt each other- that the turt who’s being punished is lowkey shunned for a few days. its not something hellion enforces or encourages, but it’s something that’s developed over the years nonetheless

hellion & the turtles’ living situation

they live on her ship until they’re five! and they probably? share a room until then. however they probably all end up running to hellion’s room in the middle of the night because her bed’s the biggest and her room is actually? pretty far away from theirs. so they all go to her and snuggle w/ mom.

when they turn five, hellion realizes they’re gonna need their own spaces, so she buys the old cabin in the adirondacks that’s paola’s cabin in the main verse, fixes it up and gives everyone their own room. she sleeps up in the cabin as well, although the cabin is probably JUST for sleeping- most of their day-to day activities happen in the ship.

things to note

they’re still capellan turtles- they’re all taller than normal, they all get an inclination, etc etc. another thing to note is that hellion does not know about new capella- therefore…they don’t know any of their extended family and believe that keandra, who they only know a little bit about, and hellion are the very last capellans.

they’re probably also a little more awkward around humans because not only were they raised by an alien, they were raised in the woods, away from other humans (as opposed to living right under them)

hellion!donnie

well, first of all, hellion really tries to help donnie grow and flourish intellectually bc whoa hello this kid is smart. she encourages him wholeheartedly and tries to help him with his projects where she can. since the turts are probably living in hellion’s ship, whether that’s on earth or not, donnie probably followed her around when she does repairs on the ship when he was little. she’d ramble on about what she was doing, and donnie would just absorb it all.

since i’d imagine there isn’t much to fix on the ship the way there probably is in the lair- the ship was made to last a long time, and designed to be lived in- that probably takes a lot of weight off donnie’s shoulders- that, and he has his mom to fall back on since she was doing repairs since before donnie was born.

hellion still loves astronomy with all her heart, and teaches all the turtles, but especially donnie, about the galaxy the way her grandmother did with her. when he’s like…14 she teaches him how to drive the ship.

another thing i realized like, twenty minutes ago, is that the hellion turtles would never learn ninjustu, unless splinter were to come into the picture later on. but even then, hellion never makes the boys’ focus on fighting. when they’re older and hellion is a few more years removed from the person she was before the turtles, she realizes she doesn’t want them to follow her footsteps, and is hesitant to teach them to fight at all. she doesn’t want them to put their self worth into fighting, because that’s what she did, and after she got the turtles and gave that up?? hellion lowkey had an identity crisis. she latched onto the role of mother to give her a sense of purpose and identity.

until they run into the kraang, which…again, unless splinter comes into the picture somehow, is the ONLY ones they’ll run into, all hellion teaches them is self defense.

#🌻 she was destruction given form and purpose. hers was an elegant savagery.「LIFE INCLINED CASSANDRA.」#🌻 bad decisions make for the best memories「HEADCANONS.」#🌻 how do you rebel in a family of rebels? 「VERSE: HELLION’S CAPELLAN TURTLES.」#hc rush #long post //

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they-dont-know-us-anyway · 7 years

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#lol I've had like 6 different identity crises revolving around being female since coming here?#like not in a gender identity way just like my idea of what it means to be a woman and what empowers me as a woman #my world has become significantly more male-dominated in some ways I guess since coming to college #idk why this is happening to me and like literally none of my friends lmao #I think bc this has always been a big deal to me #also the current political climate has been affecting it im sure #I guess in high school my friends & I tended to have the same views on femininity and what it means to be a woman #and now I'm not so sure those things match up also I barely have any female friends I hang out with so many guys these days #I feel like this is a weird thing to be struggling with #idk if struggling is the right word for it #but I've been thinking about it on and off p much the entire year and sometimes (like rn) it just CONSUMES me #and I don't really feel like I have anyone to talk to about it? idk if any of them would really understand what I'm talking about #and the ones that would aren't in my situation so they wouldn't understand why I care so much rn #also I think I might not be talking to those people rn oops yikes #idk the tumblr ranting might increase just a fair warning to everyone #I'm tagging this kind of shit as personal so blacklist that if u want lmao #or just ignore me that probably works best #maybe I should go to a therapist? but what would I even talk about lmao #all my friends are pissing me off bc they only talk about boys also I'm having an identity crisis about being a woman #help me #ok I'm gonna stop now lol #personal #this is so yikes I'm so yikes lmao

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mikototsu-trash · 7 years

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all of the asks memes

thank u for asking!!

Bee movie and rickrolling answered here

ALL YOUR BASE: How long have you been on the internet?

Idk I vaguely remember playing a Dora the Explorer flash game when I was like 6, but I guess when I like properly started spending a lot of time online was when I started playing howrse which fuckin brings back a lot of memories, and I guess I started playing that when I was maybe 10??

BAD LUCK BRIAN: Have you ever had a string of ridiculously bad luck?

Basically the entirety of 2016. Had a sexuality crisis, had a gender identity crisis, got depression, had to do A-level final exams which are notoriously difficult, Brexit happened, was becoming increasingly unhappy in an emotionally abusive relationship that I couldn’t get out of, fell in love with my best friend which I could not act on due to the aforementioned relationship, depression got worse, started university which trapped me in a room with aforementioned emotionally abusive boyfriend, depression got even worse, the US presidential election happened, and by December I was p much at rock bottom lmao.

BIRD SCHOOL, WHICH IS FOR BIRDS: What’s your favorite class you’ve ever taken in school?

Creative Writing A-level was really fun and I learned a lot!!

CRAVE THAT MINERAL: Do you ever get weird cravings for certain foods?

Yes. It’s almost always birthday cake.

DENNY’S: What do you do when you just can’t sleep?

It’s rare that I can’t sleep bc Depression makes me v sleepy but I usually just watch either youtube or netflix or smth until I drift off. I’ve started a My Cat From Hell binge recently and I’ve been watching that as I fall asleep.

DOGE: Do you like animals, as a rule?

Animals are better than people

DRIL: How do you deal with people who hate you?

idk I’ve never been in a situation where i’ve had an “enemy” i hated that I had to deal with but I have a lot of ppl who hate me for being queer/nb I guess probably? Idk I don’t usually have to deal with them sometimes i get into debates with people on reddit but that’s p much the extent of it

GUN: How do you usually solve problems?

cry and procrastinate

HE SCREAM AT OWN ASS: What makes you want to scream?

everything. University and the stress of doing coursework, dysphoria, depression, the current political climate, transphobia, racism, sexism, queerphobia, acephobia, exorsexism, capitalism, the housing market, the economy, brexit, 99% of the right wing, antis on tumblr, abusive people, wilfully ignorant people, dictatorships and oppression, war, the refugee crisis idk i could go on forever the whole world is fucked yo

I AM FORCIBLY REMOVED FROM [X]: Have you ever gotten kicked out of an establishment?

Nah

LET PEARL SAY FUCK: What’s your favorite swear word?

“Fuck.”

LOSS.JPG: Are you a good storyteller?

I hope so seeing as I’m a writer??

ME, AN INTELLECTUAL: Do you think you’re smart?

I’m book smart, idk about any other kind of smart

MOON MOON: Do you ever feel like an outcast in your social group?

depends which social group. I feel totally at home in my small queer friend group, but amongst larger groups of my peers then yeah totally.

MY IMMORTAL: How would you describe your usual fashion sense?

Baggy shirts with puns on, a plaid shirt over the top, jeans, converse, a hoodie if it’s cold (usually stolen from my bf)

PEASANTS: What part of your past are you most ashamed of?

the entirety of the time I spent seeing the red flags sent up by my abusive ex but didn’t leave him

PEPE THE FROG: What’s something you find oddly satisfying?

peeling things. Peeling plastic coverings off stuff especially but also things like peeling off dead skin and that kinda stuff

SHREK: Do you view yourself as being a complex, multilayered person?

i guess????? I have a lot of complex emotional issues does that count

SNAKE PEOPLE, OR SNEOPLE: What are your thoughts on the government?

I have way too many thoughts on the current government to list them all, but I think it can aptly be summarised as I would literally rather fucking die than vote Tory in June.

TAG YOURSELF: How would your friends describe you?

idk, gay probably

WE ARE NUMBER ONE: If you were a fictional character, would you be a villain?

uhhh maybe??? depends on the setting. I wouldn’t be evil on purpose but I’m also not nearly as good a person as i could be so

#about fox #Anonymous #answered

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