#if you die die eating something good

[loppiopio]

i've been sitting on this post for a few days now and it's literally just, me making assumptions about kudos i've noticed on fics lately (particularly aci since i've been checking that fic every week for book club these past few months) and this'll make me seem more insane than i already come off but by this point. how much lower can i go?

just going from top to down as of today.

[ShibaLee] i know you from your art on here!! tumblr user shibaleeart i'm happy to see more people in potentially enjoying the stories this fandom has to offer :>

[reiscm] shizuchansmilk?? what are youuu doing here? i didn't know you read shizaya fic tbh and i was surprised to see you here suddenly, relatively recently too. does that mean you just started the fic then?? after at least a year of being in the fandom right? maybe this wasn't from your first time reading it (same) but at the very least it shows you visited it not too long ago… i may be delusional in thinking i could be a contributing factor there because, why now? it's not like i'm the only aci advocate out there but i've probably been the most vocal about it around this time soo… well whatever it is, hope you had fun with it! i'm so curious what drrr comedian shizuchansmilk thinks about hit fanfiction a cheap imitation 👁️

i'm also recognising some of the other names around here like [anonymooose] and [durarasaiki] even though i haven't the faintest idea who they might be. i've just been seeing them lately across different shizaya fics which probably means these are the people doing their shizaya fic dive around this time. i have nothing more to add there i just, think it's cool noticing the same names across fics like yeah, we all feasting on the shizaya tag rn.

[ya_boi_twink] it took me a second to recall where i'd recognised your name from and then it hit me. i knoooow you! tumblr user yaboitwink in my notifs… i appreciate you, and i'm glad you liked the things i made for it c:

[bun_o_ween] oh i know you're here because of mr crapo. i hope you guys had fun with it! i wanna take the chance to also admit that like. the moment i found out you were that sebastian writer i experienced the wildest sense of deja vu. because. i had seen your name on ao3 before. but when i checked your fics there was no way i'd read a fic from you?? so then i realised i must have recognised you... through other kudos on other fics??? dude. i must sound crazy, i have no way of proving this because i actually don't remember what fics these were i just vaguely remember it was either bsd or tgcf? that i was looking at fics for, trying to find something to sate my hunger at the time. and i just remember, noticing your name across like a few of these fics in a row and thinking "heh someone else has been going down the same rabbit hole" AND NOW I SEE YOU AND CRAPO OF SHIZAYA FANDOM HITTING IT OFF it was surreal. like. my awareness of you had zero to do with black butler, i could not have predicted that you would have been the random ao3 user i'd seen apparently enjoying some of the same fics i was not too long ago. wow.

there are like two separate flamingo related names around here [niceflamingo] and [flamingoo] which doesn't mean anything but for some reason they are standing out enough for me to want to mention them. i feel like i've seen ao3 user flamingoo in the kudos of some other fic before but idk.

[Luzki] omg hey!! twitter artist vi_138_ woah hiii funny seeing you here :0 especially like. not so long ago? since i'd imagined you would've been aware of the fandom for a while since you seem more invested in the alts than shizuo and izaya in particular? well it was cool seeing that you'd read this one, i hope ya had fun!

[frogsarefriends] right under that is artist hallucxnating >:O i know they've read the fic already but it was cool to actually recognise their kudo down here, especially since it's like. not recognisable just from the name alone, but you've shared links to this ao3 as your writing so now i know it's you. my impression is that you came into the fandom through slavhew since, i'd connected the dots at some point that you two were friends which. made a lot of sense since i noticed you both started being active around here at the same time lol. but hey!! welcome to the club :D

[7FlyingPancakes7] this is one of the ones i'd noticed earlier on during book club, i distinctly remember checking a chapter while walking home one night (because i do that i guess) then BAM what the hell?? i just see tumblr user mari-lair's ao3 appear down there, totally out of nowhere for me. for context this was a writer from the tpn fandom i recognise from like 4 years ago? idk it's been a while, i didn't talk to them much but they were active in the fandom at the time so i'm familiar with their name. i haven't been keeping up with them but last i'd seen they seemed to be into tbhk with no indication as far as i was aware that they'd shown any interest in shizaya. nothing wrong with that it was just unexpected, so i was just like woah!! how did you get here? i am so curious how they may have come across this fic, was it some rec from a friend? how familiar are they with shizaya? how invested were they in the story and characters? enough to go down more of shizaya's greatest hits? anyways, that was just a fun little small world moment for me.

[psych0tastic] hey isn't this…. axietoh? like, the artist who used to draw shizaya like 5 years ago? what are they doing here so high up the list? 🤔 i have no clue lol i still follow them because i really like their art style but i hadn't noticed their interest in shizaya resurfacing... i suppose they just haven't been too active on these socials in general. anyways their name stood out to me and i was like, wait….. well it's a shocker seeing their name so high up here, were they reading this fic for the first time there or were they revisiting it and happened to have not kudo'd it until then? well anyways, it's nice to see they've revisted the fic within the last two years at least :0 that's cool to me.

[MiyukiWynter] dude i was feeling crazy just now trying to figure out where i'd recognised this name from because i'd swwooooorn i'd seen it from somewhere like as someone on twitter?? i think i was mixing them up in my mind with unrelated (as far as i'm aware) twitter user miiyankhr but turns out they're someone who's fics i've seen in the tags before. i haven't read them myself but apparently they just posted a new one two days ago so that's crazy.

[Dodomka] heyyy it's dodo from twitter, hellooo 👋 they've been the biggest supporter for my deep in the sauce fic tweets and for that i appreciate them very much :3 didn't expect to see them here tbh i wasn't aware of when they'd first read the fic but as i was expanding the list a few times to write up this post i noticed their name here and just thought that was neat. shout-out to them!

[mochi010] there's a user named mochi that has shown up in my twitter notifs somewhat regularly and they have nothing on their account so i have zero clue what they might be like outside from that they've been liking my shizuo and izaya retweets. their handle isn't even mochi so i have very little reason to believe this could be them but idk, maybe? no conclusion has been made here. well i already spent time writing and cleaning up the paragraph, guess i'm leaving it in.

shout-out to [ouiouipussay] and [ramenflavorpacketsnorter420] just for having some names that stand out lol. i don't recognise you from anywhere but, i guess now i will if i ever come across those names again.

[Stupidusernamepolicy] i struggled to find you amidst all these names for the writing of this post 💀 had to ctrl+f that shit. but i remember seeing your name here while i was going through the list some days before and being like "oh hey!! it's slavhew :)" but okay there's actually a tangent i've been wanting to go on from here.

outside of aci i've actually been noticing you and hallucxnating double duo'ing under some fics together, like after the story era which i'd reread after hallu reminded me of its existence in a reply, and also sacramental which i had reread because of your reply, lol. i find this quite funny, just like. this visual representation of you two reading and recommending fics with each other. then you talk about it on twitter and more people like me are visiting this fic too. chain reaction of sharing stories :)

ALSO [anonymooose] and [durarasaiki] spotted down here in some of these kudos too!! that's craazy. wow. i tell you guys i'm recognising these names i'm not just crazy 😭

[NotElectricT] this took me a second to dig up again since it's quite buried down that list at this point but the plan i'd had in mind for this post was to end on this one since i saw them kudo it right in front of me (through the vc stream) and i didn't think this post would get as long as it did but... well i already wrote it 😬 but yeah, this is my good friend note! check out this art they made for, still one of their favourite chapters, sharks fly. it's sandwiched in between some squid game au they made for a gift exchange for me..... it's a long story i don't wanna talk about it (embarrassing......)

but what i do wanna talk about!! is how note (referred to as "patient zero" regarding aci book club by the only other patient lol) just decided to read this fic completely of their own volition?? i didn't tell them to do that and for sure didn't expect them of all people to try reading it, ever (they're not really a fic reader) but they just did that, two years ago. and that was like, insane to me at the time because it's seriously so out of their depth guys they don't do enemies to lovers.... they still don't lol. but i was insane about this fic back then with no one to really be insane about it to so i just yelled about it to these friends out of context and i guess???? that was convincing enough to get this one to start the longest fic they'd ever read 💀

i had much fun having someone experience the fic i'd been insane over..... like i'm smiling about it rn thinking about the time i did a live reading of the chainsaw man (as i like to call him) chapter which was so fun i kinda forgot i had a hamilton musical i was supposed to watch that evening... that was awkward. and other chats we exchanged regarding the fic (they were reading chapters whenever they felt like it which i enjoyed because i like pacing these things out) but for some reason (i think things just happened around the time that disrupted the momentum) they never made it past chapter 26 😔 which was tragic to me but oh well....

well i'm am even more insane about this fic now because of this convoluted chain of events that gradually built and cascaded me towards whatever the fuck i'm doing now!! god. i've never made so much, anything, like ever. until now. because both note and rosa (who has not kudo'd this fic as far as i'm aware lol) made the decision beyond my expectations to commit to, a book club. which i organised. and i've been having a lot of fun! so much fun, there's all this wild "marketing" stuff i've been churning out in record fucking time by my standards. i've never felt so creatively fulfilled dude, never finished a thing in my life until these past few months. so that's awesome, and it's in large part because of note having committed to this fic again. so that's some of the story behind that one kudo haha.

and now we're at chapter 49, we're supposed to be talking about it tomorrow, which is today by now since it's 1 am but uhhhhhhh writing is so hard. i was supposed to just be cleaning up this draft i'd written like 5 days ago? i am now very hungry. there's actually more i'd drafted up from here just from more names i recognised as i kept expanding the kudo list that day buuuut i'm fuckeeeen cutting this off right here. i need to stop. the end.

#durarara #i said a thing #if you've kudo'd aci within the past year and you think i'd recognise your name there's a good chance you're in this #this post is adhd as fuck holy shit #well #if anyone has read a single entire paragraph of it thanks :) #too much time spent writing something no one will read?? but idk someone might??? ughhhh #i will maybe go back through to hyperlink more of the artists and writers i mention here #idk #we'll see haha i'm huuuuungry i need to eat something #if you enjoyed reading any of this i'd appreciate letting me know because i did spend way too long writing it for real 😭 #but it's fine what's done is done #getting it out noooooooow #nevermind i spent another half hour formatting the images #i needsta to get diahnosed #i had the briefest mention of actual twitter user miiyankhr in between stupidusernamepolicy and notelectrict #just acknowledging that i saw their actual name in the list #but i cut it because it was literally a sentence or something and this post is already ridiculously bloated #gonna eat now bye please post don't fucking breaaaaak i will die

[gorespawn]

don't mean to be a little freak but since i work in a hospital now ive got a new perspective and appreciation for gore art. like oh my god you got that fat tissue just right—

#i have seen so many internal organs man #i held a large intestine in my hands (was gonna say bare hands but they really weren't) #he'd gotten a colostomy like 12 years earlier but after 7 years his intestine fell out! it fell out! and the doctors were like eh it's fine #and it was. he'd had his intestine hanging oout of his stomach for 7 something years and it was fine. and i held it in my hands #a good five inches of intestine. like a tentacle. in my hand #i put my entire hand inside a new crazy hole i found in a guy (to this day the grossest thing ive seen in my life i thought i'd die) #(like you can't... you can't understand... you can't....) #i put my hand inside a guy's foot! they had made a large hole in it! i put my hand in #one woman just had her small intestine out in the open like it was nothing! walked around and everything w a lil plastic bag over it #there are so many crazy holes to clean and flush #like. just. stomachs. do you have any idea how good the body is at having holes. sometimes holes just appear and eat their way thru the bod #making tunnels like a little ant except it's your body and suddenly ur intestine is inside your bladder or whatever like how did THAT happe #.txt #a man shat blood all over me i cleaned it forever man #one guy got a fistula between his intestine and aorta so he got like shit in his bloodstream. how did that happen!

[quietwingsinthesky]

haunting the narrative for real. we don’t even know she exists until s11 (because it’s a poorly planned show) but everything has been about this injustice that all of creation is built on top of. it is about her!!!

#she is the original dead girl in the attic except that when she was supposed to die in there she didn’t. she clawed her way back out and #started eating people until she was strong enough to rock the whole fucking house. #go girl!!!! make a fucking mess!!!!!!!! get mad!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #sorry i love amara. i wish the show hadn’t then decided to forget everything about s11 and fuck it all up later. #because this is. it genuinely does drive me insane. it was about her……. #it’s both tribute and denial. she can’t be a part of the story. to acknowledge her is to acknowledge the crime done. so she can’t be here. #but it’s. it’s all about her. this cycle begins with her. the rot starts there!!! #it’s just. it’s a good beat. it really is. for a show that is so. just constantly obsessing over god. who is your dad. and how right is that #guy about anything anyway. and for it to be clear that to understand anything about how this has all been set up. the very first thing you #have to understand is that god did something unspeakable and that’s the only reason he got to be in charge. that’s soooo!!!!! im going in #circles here but u get it right? u get it? that this is the first stone that gets it all rolling. that amara’s imprisonment destroys lucifer #who in turn destroys cain. #u understand me. it’s the best thing they could have done when retconning that literal god has a sister into the show. i eat it.

[milkweedman]

*googling* how much is it okay to white out because I stood or sit up ? Just a little bit of whiting out ? Like a few times a day ? Just like a couple dozen ?

#its almost always a little delayed too so i never remember to account for it #i stand up walk for a good 30 seconds and then cant see or breathe for a bit. as you do #does not pair well with the sudden and random unbearable nausea tho lemme tell you #i love when like. my meatsuit had clearly just decided to hit the fuck it button and cause me random misery forever #...also got no sleep due to it being impossible to find a position laying down that doesnt let my knees bend backwards #sigh. anyway. its whatever. at least the nausea is consistent enough that i know just like. not to eat period. #nothing worse than throwing up chips or something really spicy bc you werent expecting to throw up #but id love a break from the whole. having a body and it wants to die. thing. #chronic illness #complaining

[crimeronan]

now that the elation of being on-paper sick has worn off i'm back to getting my feelings hurt by innocent posts. anyway someday within the next few months i'm gonna be on a bunch of prednisone or other steroids and then i'm gonna do all my dishes and clean my whole house and go swimming and do my job and fix my life and it's okay that i fucking suck at doing any of those things now because i have a debilitating physical disability.

snide posts about how depressed people need to put on their big-boy pants and take care of themselves are not actually about me because what i am contending with is not depression. what i am contending with is a progressive disease that destroys my muscles, skin, joints, and potentially lungs kidneys and brain. that is not the same as being too sad to get up and wash a dish.

generalized spoonie advice and outlooks feel too optimistic or out-of-touch or non-applicable to me because they aren't applicable to me because what i am contending with is not an average spoonie experience. it is a specific progressive disease that destroys my muscles, skin, joints, and potentially lungs kidneys and brain.

if i feel bad and need to rest and don't pull my weight in my relationships it's because i need to wait to be treated with steroids and in the meantime i just need to hold on. i am not required to do anything else to take care of myself. my body is eating itself with a condition that has a high rate of fatal complications and literally my only job is not to die.

my only job is not to die. that is the only thing i need to do right now. any posts saying that people need to do anything else for self-care or for being a good person or for having healthy relationships are not applicable to me, because my circumstances are highly specific. healthy people need to take steps to better their lives. people like me need to rest until our doctors can help us because overtaxing ourselves might kill us.

a depressed person being too sad and hopeless and miserable to get up is being lied to by their brain. my brain is not lying to me when it tells me that i need to rest because my body is on fire.

my only job right now is not to die.

#i know none of YOU need to hear this. reasoning it out for myself. #all of this remains true whether my final diagnosis is lupus or MCTD or both. #i'm very unlikely to die unless my pulmonary function tests indicate i have the fatal kind of MCTD #which would suck. but is unlikely. #the 10-year survival rates for MCTD and lupus are both good barring complications. my job is not to let those complications happen. #that means sleeping when i need to for however long i need to. eating thoughtfully. keeping a positive outlook. doing things i like. #reducing overall stress. not engaging with things that upset me. forgiving myself for being useless. being incredibly zen and chill. #taking steroids and seeing a neurologist and doing chemo if they need me to (unlikely). being patient. #it's okay for me to be in limbo right now. it's okay for me to sleep 18 hours a day. #i'm not depressed. i am very sick. #autoimmune tag #on this note i'm gonna figure out something nice to do with my day and see if i can get a few dishes done.

[sysig]

TFW you kill god: Oops lol 🙈😳✌ ️(Patreon)

#Doodles #AGE #Yves #It has been too long since I revisited my best/worst boy! ♥ I've been missing him #Not too long ago I went and reread my behind-the-scenes worldbuilding stuff for AGE and goshdang there's some good stuff in there #I do miss AGE - maybe someday I'll return to it I just got real burnt out on DMing :') #I still love it! And my PCs still talk about it sometimes :) Makes me happy they enjoyed it hehe #Yves is still one of my fave-faves tho haha ♪ #He's such an interesting villain! #He's kinda remorseful in the same way someone who eats meat is towards the animals they eat? (Hopefully anyway lol) #''Thank you for your sacrifice but I need this so I can [well in this case it's revive God but shhhh let's pretend it's just continuance]'' #You don't /have/ to do that Yves you just Want to pfft #But he wouldn't be the antagonist if he wasn't doing Something not quite right haha #The effects of the various gods' deaths are pretty interesting too since reality kinda needs them #It just keeps getting more and more shaky until it violently realigns back into shape when enough of them die - it's an interesting gradient #Yves you made a mess! What're you gonna do about it! #Yves: ¯\_ (ツ)_/¯ #Silly boy (god-murderer) ♪

[mumblesplash]

which trigun show would you say someone should start on?

depends on what you like i think? if you care a lot about visuals and can easily connect to characters without needing to feel like you Know What’s Going On you’ll probably like stampede, if you care more about plot and like. a more tangible-feeling sense of story and worldbuilding it’s probably best to start with the original

#splashasks #agendercryptidlev #iirc you followed me for danny phantom so you’d probably fall into the first category #mood wise tristamp almost feels like if dp was canonically as horrifying as the fandom made it but still sorta kept up the cheery facade #the characterization so far is actually really good but half of it is like ridiculously subtle and it hides behind the obvious #like there’s a part where vash refuses to kill and eat a bug even though he’s hungry and like #yeah that’s just What He’s Like and you already know by this point #but the way it’s set up in context is actually a really clever nod to the fact that vash is biologically immortal #bc to him if ‘it’s gonna die soon anyway’ was a good enough reason to not care about something he wouldn’t care about humans either #AND the bug is conceptually connected to a child he failed to protect in the previous episode #its a blink and you’ll miss it type of thing and also the much more blatant reference to his pacifism and self-destructive tendencies #feels like it could feasibly be the whole point #also stampede has way more vashwood and way less vashmeryl #but there’s no milly thompson yet and milly is delightful

[tokyoteddywolf]

22 isn't very much at all, I think.

#5am rambles #anyways ignore this as per usual im just thinking in a post that i'll delete soon. i just worry and writing it helps. #you ever wonder when you'll “grow up'? and then realize youre not even fully grown? #that theres still more to learn in life and that the mistakes you make are just that? mistakes? #that you are still so very very young in a world that is so very very old? #im almost 23. barely a quarter of my lifespan. im still a child in a way- my brain not fully formed. #you ever wonder how many mistakes you can make before you figure something out? #I dont know much of anything really. that's the sad part. and the adults who were supposed to help me learn... didnt. #i was failed. and now im a failure. at almost not quite 23 years old. Maybe i wont be a failure in another few years. #i still have a while to go before I die. I'm not going to waste time thinking about it. im just going to try my best. #I have time. I can learn. Grace and patience are not endless but damn if i dont try to figure things out #first step though is meds and therapy tho. we're done with the pity party. some things you just have to accept are okay #cuz my whole life i was taught that being emotional is a weakness. its pathetic and stupid to be upset or angry about anything. #any time i wanted to show i was upset or angry i was 'wrong'. i was 'selfish' and 'dramatic' #so i suppressed and pretended i was fine. that i wasnt weak and pathetic. that i was good and not an annoyance or burden. #i am not weak. i am not pathetic. i am fine i am fine i am fine you dont need to worry about the inconvenience at your door. #sometimes the shame is so much that i cant look at myself or even think i deserve help. that therapy is for people with real problems. #that i feel like ill just be told im like this for attention or dramatics. that im such a disappointment and selfish too. #ive been a “problem” my whole life to the point i dunno if i CAN be fixed. that anxiety eats me alive every day. #therapy is supposed to give you methods to cope #i dunno if it'll work though. I forget my appointments a lot. i struggle to talk sometimes. i may be autistic but its hard to get diagnosed. #emotions are so hard to figure out.

[floral-hex]

woke up at 4am feeling the weight of my life crushing me, so I’ve been sitting out in my car for the last couple of hours because I just need. to. be. somewhere else.

#tumblr ate something like this but I think I deserve to shout uselessly into the void #shits rough dawg #I know it’s rough for everyone. I feel shitty even talking about myself. still… compelled to vent… big butts #haven’t really been on here much since it hasn’t really scratched that itch lately & just makes me feel lonelier #it’s cold #saw the Jazzercise studio open across the street. 5am for Jazzercise? wow. early. #and then everyone left an hour and a half later. lights out. everybody gone. weird schedule. I am perplexed. #went down the road and got a soda and I’ve been sitting in my driveway contemplating for the last 2.5 hours #guy at the gas station tried to talk to me but I just half assed a smile and nod and left #even though I know I’d love to just… talk to someone. I suppose it has to be ‘on my terms’ whatever those are #I miss having a therapist. or even just when my little brothers would talk to me. when anyone would. blegh #my insurance is still a mess and I’m about to run out of one of my blood pressure meds this week #maybe I’ll have a stroke. scary to think about. I think about dying a lot but that potential feels too real. just… pop! and I’m done. #I’ll try today to finally push to straighten it out but everything feels daunting #woke up with so much anxiety. about my health. my hearing. no money. my life. had to get out of the house even if it’s just right outside #hate to say it but I need(want) thc. haven’t wanted to spend money on it but I could have really used it this morning #can’t be sad if you can’t feel anything (jokingly but also not. whichever is less sad sounding) #actually treated myself to Dune 2 last week and it was so so good. wish I could go again. but it’s drugs food or movie right now. so… #I know. dumb priority but BIG SCREEN. maybe it’ll hit theaters again for the next awards season hopefully. just a real nice loud experience #anyway… I should go inside. almost 7am. need to take my brothers to school then drive my mom to her daily appointments #I’ve felt so hollow and angry and sad for so long it feels like. I feels so weak and sad and I’m tired of it. I’m so tired. #I’ve been eating about 1 meal a day and sleeping a lot. this is the worst my body has ever been. I feel like I’m just waiting to die. #is this relatable? #just have to look past it. it is nothing. this body is nothing. just enjoy your soda. #gonna look at pictures of butts now #ok gotta go I love you goodbye forever #you can ignore this #text

[catboymitosis]

Part of why Daan is a character that hits on so many levels for me is 3 years ago I was writing edgy mediocre poetry about how rabbits must long to be cats and suddenly a character who has both bunny coding and cat coding exists how could I not get obsessed with him. I deeply regret having deleted them now because if I did have them I'd be injecting that shit directly into Pocketcat dialouge in fics...

#lesson learnt stop deleting things you make even if you come to think they weren't good they might one day be useful rip #now i gotta rewrite my mediorce poetry from 3 years ago from scratch to make it pocketcat dialouge #something something rabbits know and resent their place in the food chain #so powerless that when cornered by something that wants to eat them the only thing they can do is freeze up and die first #even though they know most intimately the horrors of being prey that they couldn't help but wish they had been born as a cat instead #if they could choose they'd take the teeth and claws that scare those like them to literal death no question #the ideas stayed with me at least so even if my previous phrasing is lost I'm still probably gonna include it when i figure it out #words hard

[dykeomania]

also

hi let me just like [tugging] [scuffling]

[microphone feedback]

hi. so like

i'm not gonna do it. we know i'm not gonna do it be so fr

but like we need more fics about ellie being a literal parent

#selfish plug to other tlou2 writers who are doing their jobs because I Fucking Don't #ellie williams x reader #that woman loves jj #and i would like more of that energy #particularly developed in an environment where ellie is allowed to be mentally stable #she's literally a kid herself like imagine her bonding with her kid and then getting excited over something her kid is excited about #like yes!!! good job buddy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #i Hate pregnancy fics but i will ride and die on the domesticity train i don't give a fuck #if youre a good parent im trying to eat that Ass #mia what are you talking about #im probably standalone but yo

[you-can-be-what-you-want-to-be]

Do you play a long drawn out game of cat and mouse where you handcuff yourself to your enemy pretending to be your bestie that you have romantic chemistry with and then when he kills you preform an act of worship and say it’s YOUR sins that need forgiveness and then tell him that he’ll miss you when you go or are you straight and not autistic

#death note #I swear I was going to be normal about this show #but what the hell #you know a shows good when you wildly go between #why are you gay stop #and hehe these bitches gay keep it up #and get better at being gay #Schrödingers gay if you will #also same with autism #hehehe autism love you #WHY ARE YOU EATING LIKE THAT 😳🫥 #and occasionally #why can’t you bitches just be normal please I’m begging you 😭 #yes I appreciate you’re acting like you’re in Shakespeare #but can you just. die like a normal person please #maybe go ‘oh shit that sucks’ or #like monologue that someone else will get him or something #did you have to rub his feet and talk about sin

[pendraegon]

):

#physically. physically im fine let's get that out of the way. #but mentally...not doing too hot. im just. so so so sad all the time and like there's this fierce emptiness that's back and it's like a #chasm....it's nowhere near as bad as it used to be in My Worst Years but it's not even been 3 weeks into the semester and i don't know. i #feel drained and lonely and like a small woodland creature that's been shot and is now scuttling about to find a warm damp dirty nook #in the forest floor to die in you know.............. #i spoke w my mother and she was like 'cheer up it's saturday you can go to that french place you like! dress up nicely and go eat something #good and then go to the gardens or that bookshop!!' and not even THAT sounded appealing to me.. #i did go on a 3 hr walk just bc i thought seeing some nature and the forest and blue skies and the little stream and ponds would help but.. #idk i still cant tell if grad school is for me or it's just that i really despise my program.. #): anyways. tumblr's my little online diary as it has been for the past decade.. #hope all of u guys are doing better than me! see you on the upside.