#im about to sleep but for some reason my brains all

[mushroom-winners-proof]

not that i have any authority on what anyone does BUUUT.... yall should send me asks that i can answer in the morn i think thatd be fun

#not kh #but it can be #snap chats #i unno #im about to sleep but for some reason my brains all #'hey you should ask people for asks :)' #and im askin it like 'ok but like crazy-but-lighthearted takes or what'' #and this fuckin pair of cajones is lookin at me like :) #like brother pick a topic to start the day with but Alas #its funnier when one magically pops up anyway so #so yeah feel free to send one ig LMAO #for now goodnight dont let the bed bugs bite or whatever

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#im still procrastinating so bear with me #ive just been thinking abt something. like the idea of a support system #bc as a 1st year grad student ppl around me r like: it must be hard being away from ur support system or ive left my support system when i #moved halfway across the country. and like i dont really feel that way bc idk the idea of a support system is sorta odd to me #like for me i guess it would just b my parents who i kno love me but im just so weirdly asocial that i never really talk to them #like i hardly ever text them. we talk maybe every couple months. so like i guess i theoretically have support but its a bit abstract #and like i have friends i guess but again im a bit weird and dont really feel connected to ppl so i dont feel that close to anyone #surface level friendships i guess. i dunno. i just feel weird not not having a support system but also having it b hollow #i guess i cant feel it more now. like i feel like getting diagnosed as bip0lar made my problems seem more realized to my parents #like i dunno i just assumed they knew i was doing awful most of the time but maybe that wasn't the case #its such a weird thing to b diagnosed with. like the conotations feel a lot heavier and i feel like im not supposed to talk abt it to ppl #bc theyll think im unreliable or something. like it wouldnt b that big a deal if i was just depressed but the sometimes buring out of my #skin makes me somehow scarier. and i still feel conflicted bc i do have a bip0lar mood profile but i have very very high impulse control #and even when im going high my mind is still super rational about it. which seems weird bc low impulse control is common with #the diagnosis. its also y i dont fit an 4dhd profile. not that it really matters. i fit the criteria enough to be on the bip0lar spectrum #its not like someone's gonna come yell at me for not being bip0lar enough. i just feel odd about it is all #still feels fake i guess. hard to imagine feeling any different to how i feel now. which is weirdly stable. so i guess the meds r working #sigh... ok enough i need to go to sleep at 7pm so i can get up at like 2 to finish reading a paper. for some reason my god forsaken brain #works better in the early morning rip #unrelated

[undefeatablesin]

Every time a new Bloodborne comic comes out and the Nameless Hunter is nowhere to be seen, I am not at all surprised but eternally disappointed.

#sin speaking #(YES I KNOW THEIR STORY IS OVER BUT DO I GIVE A DAMN?? NO I DONT!!!) #(i owe everything to them!!!!!!! theyre the reason im even in the bb fandom!!!!!!!) #(well. I care. I CARE DEEPLY ABOUT THEM.) #(honestly. ugh. death of sleep restructured my brain in unthinkable ways) #(and this isnt to say i dont enjoy the other comics btw lmao i have read and enjoyed them all) #(But WHERE A R E THEY????? HOW AM I MEANT TO GO ON....) #(hi. all this is to say i had a VISION for some art of them lmao) #(my ever expanding list of stuff to draw JUST KEEPS EXPANDING YALL) #(im just cursed down to every neuron in my brain by the gods eternally i cant help it) #(well anyway ruzas new sketches are all done. i just cant decide whether to colour them all or not LMAO) #(the struggle persists...)

[volinare]

i called out... like right before my shift too. i am truly a monster. like they're going to have to find someone to cover my trucks. i just can't. like yesterday wasn't even that bad and i've been having fun, i enjoy the job i enjoy working and i just.

#like i put up with deep open sores on my ankles for this job. theyve only just now healed #and that didn't drive me to quit #but the last week has just been. like i didn't even go in that much because i hurt my knee last week and monday was labor day #my knee is fine now and i'm fine but i like had to leave early on tuesday because i was about to start fucking sobbing #and my brain was like . going joker mode. #i feel like. i have failed. #well actually i feel like a failure but i'm going to try and not be a bitch about this #i just want to have a job i keep and that i can go to while still like... feeling okay. and this is certainly not it #i guess i still had hope that this was... sustainable. because it was fun and easy #and really i'm being a baby like im not injured or anything #god being a quiter used to be so much easier before i like. realized i was doing that thing #that greg does in school in crazy ex girlfriend #he sings a song about it #like 'well i failed cause i didn't try' #and now im like. i tried. and i still weh weh weg #im also quitting before i like worked my self to the absolute bone and for some reason that makes me feel like i actually didn't try at all #do you think that black and white thinking is autism or bpd? vote now in the comments #i feeling like carving something pretty into my skin #wehhhh i made this whole post hoping to feel better after i vented but i still feel bad #i hope i die in my sleep #and the timing you know? the timing like this is just so fucking embarrassing but i dint fucking care #like congrats you got what you wanted there was a retard within 2 feet of you and now there's not

[bmpmp3]

SOME DOODLES of a character from a dream i had like all the way back in highschool that was technically based off some OCs me and some middle school friends used to make together EXCEPT in the dream half the characters including this one were slightly off from their canon counterparts, like little design details and stuff, and also the whole dream was some kinda rpg maker ass psychological horror tragedy. i’ll call her perdita

#dream journal #i guess? #art #traditional art #watercolour #this character specifically was genderbent from her canon counterpart #the actual oc i made with a friend was a dude #her colour scheme is different from the oc too. she wears a lot of pink but i remember the oc wearing more white and green #even though they were so different i still know in the dream world they were meant to be the same character tho #my subconcious made a god damn AU of my own ocs...... #actually i think ive had that happen before. once i had a dream about my ocs bibi and lia and for some reason there was like #a dog. who was like bibi. but bibi was also bibi. it was like some kind of parallel storytelling shit #like whatever happened with the dogs plotline mirrored whatever was happening with bibis plotline in the dream #you know im like. not at all interested in dream analysis. i wont be mean about it i know it means a lot to a lot of people #but it means nothing to me LOL i only write my dream journals because my dreams are comically cohesive narratively and i like #having free tv in my brain when i sleep #but man. what would the parallel narrative dog symbolize HJJFLKSDJKFLDS

[abluehappyface]

What is WRONG with me!?

#today for some reason my brain decides to wake up about three hours earlier than usual #so i look around my pitch black room #hear mum getting my little sister ready for school #and decide to go back to bed #IF ONLY #for some reason my brain decides to show me every possible creepy monster/creature/cryptid it can make up for NO REASON #making me too nervous to go back to sleep #and it sounds dumb when I write it down #but this is a recurring thing #i literally got scared by thinking about a movie ive NEVER watched because of what I think COULD be in it #AND I STILL DO #this happens to me a lot #this time it was just way worse than usual #my mind always puts the creatures in the house for like 2 seconds trying to attack me before realizing that it's dumb #there's 'the ghost' that possesses my doorframe even though I know that ghosts aren't real #and then there's the random noises that aren't there! #while trying to go back to bed after today's mindtricks once I got somewhat comfortable this loud INCORRECT ANSWER BUZZER goes off! #like WHAT THE FUCK #scared me all over again! #now im sitting here questioning if i need a night light like when I was 10 because the second the sun started to rise everything was ok #there's this voice in the back of my head telling me that there's more 'wrong' with me but idk if I believe it #it just doesn't seem right what it's suggesting #so yeah... #bluey's vents #tw vent #cw vent #bluey might be scared of stupid shit #abluehappyface

[invisibleoctopus]

starting to think im a bard of void instead of being a knowledge class. i have the whole bardic crisis thing (oct 13 2013. sunday) the whole opposite aspect thing before that (Gifted Kid TM where part of my personality was bring smart. is very lightcore) and just how i seem to destroy everything i touch.

my aversion to lying and how terrible i am at it because its on a physical level in my body and i have to script it in advance (yes this is mostly autism) and not liking to keep secrets and being a blabbermouth. destroying void.

destroyed by void. getting FADED with weed. self isolation and most of my time being spent gaming or on the computer/phone. my awful terrible recurring dreams (dreams are void) that i have a fucking tag for. but the horrors have become almost mundane with how repetitive they are in my dreams and thats why i dont call them nightmares

#le p2iigh #the 'this classpect perfectly describes all my flaws' type of classpecter #no but my dreams are always like. im in school and i dont know why they wont let me drop out. #dont know if its college or What. but sometimes my former therapist is there. the one i had a crush on. #thats a thing i have with male mentor/teacher figures because of a Very Specifc Reason #other things that are always in my dreams. my dorm on the 3rd floor im always trying to figure out what clothes to wear whats clean #packing so i can go to the house that im living at that is specifically not home. wondering when i can go home to check on the cats #wondering why home looks so different its almost unrecognizable. my uncle is there. always. mom always has something Wrong with her #things being on fire near wherever im staying like next door across the street. most recently like the whole neighborhood. #not beating the doom player allegations with these descriptions. #heres more void coded things abt the dreams. being in/around bodies of water. theres one particular river i go to a lot its past some woods #the woods area separates the river and i walk upstream until i come across the widest part and the initial fork #theres always various Creatures in the water that im scared of. #this happens whenever im on the coast and in the ocean too. except sometimes theres stuff that wants to eat me #and thats not counting the kinnie dreams. either its ocean stuff that reminds me of being link. #or its like. i guess side order levels or something. and also more cursed than usual salmon run. on cursed stages. eels chasing me #(obvoiusly the agent 8 kinnie dreams) #my real life anxieties about the cat litter and taking a shower meaning i dream about having to do those things. #trying to find a place to lie down and sleep that feels comfortable for me but its impossible #thats. most of the recurring things in my dreams. my brain is tired and i interrupted myself doing Tasks for this. #i didnt expect to ramble about the recurring nature of all of these dream things. and obviously the tag is going here #adventures in losap #< the dream tag

[rae-nee-dai]

my favorite mood is sleep deprivation insanity because apparently no one can decide if im more drunk or stoned. The best part is neither, that instead I just become a socially insane little butterfly that only knows how to do things in a ride or die format, when I have get no sleep.

#sleep deprivation #sleep deprivation insanity #insane in the membrane #insane in the brain #like i slurr my words and have crazy confidence to say ehatever but it also sounds like a major prophecy situation too #like until you have heard me give a speech about how we are all in this together and half of the peoplw there think im goinna ask for food #dont come for me #we...are going to pass...TOGETHER...once...we were divided...but now we will all...finish our assignment...hopefully within the next 30 sec #i thought people were joking until not did some of my stoner friends think i smoked because of my adhd ass #but my alcoholic friends thought i was just a little bit too gone but said they weren't judging #bro im not out here doing either on a routinely basis #i have more stoner friends than regular friends and it is because of this sole reason #that and my “can't stay on a topic to save my life”-ness

[v-iv-rusty]

yeah yk what I think I'm just not going in tomorrow

#misc.txt #sorry for essentially liveblogging my shitty night it's making me feel slightly better for some reason #tomorrow seems like a great day to use a sick day. its a temp position at least so Im not too worried #feel bad about doing it but at this rate I am not going to get any sleep at all and the 40 min drive there at the crack of dawn #would be incredibly unsafe considering I barely got any last night either bc I kept waking up #my manager is nice thank God and Im not getting in a car accident over this #wish my brain would stop completely shitting itself on random days but I guess thats how it is. breaking news mental illness has symptoms

[gazelessmenagerie]

(more thoughts beneath the cut.)

( ..and that’s not touching on my ideas for broly’s power don’t align to other folks ideas sfnalsnfknflkjg tbh i think he can totally square up to a lotta things. the main reason why i just have not want to really ‘fight’ hard is bc he totally can beat tf outta so many things so its more of a ‘ I dont need to express my energy too much ‘ deal with him. but thats not to say he wont use his brawn for threats and follow them up when he doesnt get his way. He has the capability to destroy the universe if he wants to and no i will not be persuaded that he is anything less than that. But you know.. its hard to find food if he destroys everything. )

( im not saying he’s invincible but he sure as fuck isn’t meant to be a pushover and I try hard to juggle that with him not murdering muses but keeping his animosity and hella threatening aura as close as I feasibly can. )

( putting into perspective that amount of raw power is both fascinating and yet so infuriating bc his entire reason to NOT do that is bc ‘ lol fuck you dad. I’m living my own life........................ ............................... that I’m figuring out. ‘ and thats it. afldsjg its not a bad reason in my view, his inactivity or lack of ‘ambtion’ is part of his journey to figure out what it is he wants bc he never had the chance to think about it till now. What does Broly want? What COULD he want...? He has all the power he could ever have. He has free reign to do was he wish but he’s got things to work out on his own. ruling an empire is nothing new, he’s been worshipped, he’s killed, he’s destroyed. what good would starting another empire do for him than to give him some luxuries he finds temporary use for until he gets bored. Living out in that desert has been something of a strange conundrum in a way..

He could totally take over earth, make people worship him but what will he do after..? he doesn’t... necessarily have the ability to Rule as a king would. He knows the basic order but to keep it running is different bc that was Paragus’ entire shtick in a sense. Broly was just the means to enforce those rules when he was under control. On his own.. I dont think Broly would honestly care too much. He’d want food, be decorated in lavish things but he’ll grow bored of it on the eventual. 

Now living out on the harsh lands. thats where he feels more at home. Facing down tooth and claw, testing his strength against the elements and beasts of varying kinds. It just feels more natural to him as much as it is lounging around doing nothing and enjoying the sun and wide open air. Just... so many small components come into play and they totally go ignored or they aren’t “noticed” by him or anyone unless someone pays really close attention to the way he acts and reacts to things. 

as it was Pointed out before.. ‘ he’s never honest with himself ‘ and that just drives such a hard fucking stake in my heart bc its true. for all the power he has, he just... denies something in him that’s as equally in part of him as it is his rage and power. and yes this is totally me inserting my HC on Legendary Saiyans if I haven’t yelled about it enough. I just.. .really enjoy duality and opposing natures being at war with one another. Its just that survival specifically favored one side over the other but the diminished side has never left.. its just dormant but it resides still. Its just.. really good and such a fun little thing when I get to write on those rare moments he finds himself at a certain loss with his own feelings. )

( of course this goes without saying he wont ever show that to just anyone. anldfsjg just. i cannot stress how fucking hard it is to get through his shell. but the more people he meets and cares for, the worse he’ll be off bc his paranoia will be off the charts and it’s going to cause him to lose control over himself. As great as his power is, it comes with a heavy toll bc he never learned to control his own power and manage it beyond getting overwhelmed with power and outright Needing to expel the excess energy in a violent burst before he tears himself apart from the inside. To reach that equilibrium within during his Legendary state.. just.. whoo man. he’s got.. some good reason why he doesn’t always go Legendary both bc there’s a pretty good chance he won’t remember what he did during that state and the immense amount of strain it puts on him physically and mentally afterwards. )

( afnlsdjf which.. idk, i’d like to explore somehow if he would be willing to learn how to control his own Legendary power, i think that’d be fun but also so aggravating bc he’s stubborn and it’s gonna take months for him to get anywhere.. but he’d be better for it in some way. Not ceasing being a menace but at least he won’t destroy the earth in a fit of jealousy or outrage (possibly) )

( just.. anfalsdjg idk man.. I see and write a lot of facets for this bastard that really only get to show when he’s observed long enough but lmfao he doesn’t let people in that close on a usual basis. I just want him to have a better life at time and other times I just want him to drive himself up the wall with his senseless self destructive habits bc he just doesn’t know better than what was instilled to him and what his power does to him if he lets it take over. )

( he doesn’t know how lonely he is in truth or how much pain and sorrow he has beneath all the anger. again.. lots of feels anflsjg but jfc thats my tedtalk on like a tired and anxious brain. apologies if this made no sense bc i sure as fuck didnt proofread it and I wrote whatever came to mind. )

#|| Tag: OOC #|| Character Study: {Broly} #( ...i guess this is just Kuro spills out his thoughts bc Hw broke him and he has no brain at all to write but still has Thoughts(tm) #( lowkey thoughts. im tired and i want to sleep but i dont want to go to class anflsfklgjkjg ) #( i think just the stress of getting assigned not only 2 thigns due tomorrow and its a shitload of questions. ) #( but also having some mock-interview thigns to prepare for really got me over my usual threshold so ) #( idk thsi is just how I try to deal with it bc stupid space gorilla is my fucking blorbo ) #( and thinking about him kinda helps. now if only he can do my hw or at least blow it up. i'd be forever grateful ) #( BUT ANYWAY. back to my thoughts. ) #( tbh I think he shouldn't have been killed by the sun in the second movie anflsdjfsjg ) #( bastard survived a exploding planet as a baby. can't really tell me he won't be strong enough to face the goddamn sun fully grown. ) #( bUT AGAIN. plot reasons. anflanflkajg ) #( Not really like.. /complaining/ just kinda splurging out thoughts bc trying to measure anything in this godforsaken fandom over power lvls #( is just a fucking nightmare and I dont wanna deal with that. ) #( i just go by what my thoughts feel bc its my blog and I get to dictate how I want to make my interpretation of broly. ) #( not to say i wouldn't be opposed to just plotting it out???? cause fuck man. I'm not here to try and overpower everyone ) #( I just want a good story/rp experience as opposed to fighting over who's stronger or whatever db fans do typically. ) #( idk AGAIN. TIRED BRAIN IS JUST TIRED AND SPLURging. anway thx for my tedtalk. )

[lesbiten]

gonna rewatch day of the doctor purely to make a cinemasins style video on all the reasons its so so bad

#you know i feel like its probably doubly bad for some complex lore reasons #that im not entirely aware of because (and forgive me for this) i am not educated extensively in dr who lore #so my version of dr who lore is pretty much just what happens in day of the doctor LOL #but i can at least critique all of the. everything else #WORST offense was bringing in billie piper; having her not be rose; STILL making a bad wolf reference regardless; and then not even having #ten SEE HER!!!!!!!! #oh and making ten a straight man. horrendous #hes neither but by god moffat did that in one single episode #i always forget kate and osgood are in dotd #ill be real with you i dont even remember where kate and osgood came from because theyre eleven era characters and i have #completely lost everything from that era from my brain #but every time they show up in twelve + thirteens runs im like MY GIRLS! #the few elevens run characters who arent terrible #what was this post even about......i should go to sleep #simon says

[heartxdecay]

WHY do bad things always have to happen to me so close together like I did not NEED the combo of an acquaintance I was attempting to befriend blowing up at me and threatening to kill themselves over them deciding I said something I didn't (fuck being autistic why does everyone assume I'm inferring things when I'm actually NOT) and then my stalker who I haven't seen in about a year suddenly decides to show up at my place of work and ask MY BOYFRIEND if I was there (he lied and said I wasn't but I still caught a glimpse of him so he might have seen me) which lead to me finding out he never actually moved like he said he was going to which means realistically he could go right back to stalking and harassing me any time he wants. In the span of like 3 days. And of course right now we're like 3 weeks away from the big traumaversary time from when I left the cult + this is the midst of when I was reporting aforementioned stalker last year so I'm already constantly on high alert anyway. So now I'm constantly struggling just to stay awake let alone work and I already had to drop out of school and lie to my parents about it because the condition of me living here is remaining in school which means since I'm not they're going to kick me out if they know. So I can't NOT go to school AND not work especially because I'm trying to save as much money as possible in order to move out of this stupid hellhole of a "family" home where I'm constantly used as a third parent for my younger siblings. But I'm so tired all the time from stress keeping me awake at all hours and being completely unable to leave fight or flight mode when awake that I can barely find the energy to move, and my work is extremely tiring. I work retail as a supervisor and I have to deal with my coworkers not doing as much of the workload despite all being full time while I'm part time, none of the people I'm in charge of taking me seriously because I'm either younger than them or the same age as them, regular stress that comes with working retail and dealing with customers, and a management change that is leading to us getting a notoriously rude + perfectionist manager who I have personally seen throw an actual tantrum over having to do his JOB. Which means I can't afford to be tired and grumpy because I have to remain professional and productive. But every time something slightly off happens I want to burst into tears. Nobody there respects me and it's hard enough to handle when I'm NOT dealing with all of this. And of course because God hates me all of this happened when I decided to try to cut back on constantly vaping so after incident #2 I immediately gave up on that and I honestly think I've been going through cartridges FASTER. It's genuinely such a struggle every day to not relapse on self harm or turn to alcoholism and I'm not sure how much longer I can last. Especially because my literal only IRL support system is my boyfriend, because my parents are worth jack shit, my siblings are children, and my only "friend" in person is an objectively terrible human that I only still have around because they were my FP for a really long time and I have a hard time letting go of that relationship (every time I try I end up running back) and I just KNOW that if I even TRY to breach any of this with them they're either going to hit me with an "oof/yikes" and nothing else or spread my PERSONAL shit to everyone they know INCLUDING my extremely abusive ex that they refuse to totally cut contact with because it's "mean". which means I actually have nobody to turn to except the internet friends in my phone who for one aren't online all the time and have lives but two since they're my ONLY SUPPORT SYSTEM I cannot keep dumping everything on them constantly or I'll overwhelm them. Not to mention they have also had to deal with the acquaintance I mentioned at the start because they're actually THEIR friend, not mine, so if anything it's an even bigger deal to them. This leaves me with only my boyfriend who I already feel shitty enough about given the raging BPD.

#i cant keep turning to him he's dealing with enough from my constant reassurance and fear he's going to suddenly thrn into a horrible person #like my other relationships and past fp did #he's so wonderful and supportive and i already put him through enough #i cant keep doing this i actually cannot live like this #i have work but here i am on tumblr breaking post lengths complaining about my life at 4am #like this will fuxking help anything at all because nobody will ever see this or if they do they'll ve a STRANGER who cannot help me at all #so im just yelling into the void so at least i can say i talked about it and maybe itll make everythibg feel just a little bit lighter #because im tired of everything weighing on me so heavily all the time i #i didnt even get into the physical problems or the increase in fatigue making me fucking sleep 10-12 hours at any given moment and sleeo #through all my alarms and make me late to work twice in just the ladt WEEK #which means I only have one more tome before my final warning #BUT HERE I AM. AWAKE. because for some reason my stupid fucking brain wont let me sleep #no matter how physically exhausted I am #I'm just fed up and tired and i want all of this to go away #but i cant end it because i actually have people who will miss me and i cant fucking burden them with the fact that their friend/partner #killed themself because i KNOW they'll blame themselves like they're bot the only reason i didnt do it 3 years ago #vent

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#other ppl: youll be fine! u r passionate abt what u do #no u dont understand. its not passion. im being consumed. im being devoured whole and alive. #its out of control and its killing me #stop trying to tell me im good. i can assure u its a problem and i want it to fucking stop. whats the point of being successful if u cant #even fucking breathe? #this has been my weekend in purgatory for some reason. but fuck u i got the fucking application 98% done so im gonna read it over tomorrow #when my brain doesnt feel like its gonna explode and thrn send it to the dude and idk see wtf he has to say about it bc im positive i #overwrote it bc im unhinged. whatever tomorrow im gonna spend another 4hr transfering algae #if i can. turns out ive given myself a headache and now i cannot sleep lmao #lol i wrote all that yesterday night. it appears i was having a bad time. and i continue to have a bad time bc my manuscript is 98% ready #for submission but i leave at 7.20 tomorrow morning for my flight and wont be home until 7pm in this time zone at the very least #which means ill have to fucking wait all day to submit i guess unless i use plane wifi or something. fucking idk #i also havent sent the application in yet and i havent bought any Christmas presents bc my brain is splitting into a million pieces #its 10 pm now. will is sleep tonight? who's to say i still have work to do on this fucking manuscript #at least my coauthor thinks itll only get sent back with minor revisions so it must look pretty ok #part of it is just me bitching abt inconsistent methods across papers bc it annoys me but also i dont give a fuck #i will fucking psychically control ppl to read this paper and use its knowledge bc the way they talk abt the topic annoys me so much #which is additionally annoying bc like i said i dont give a fuck #anyway im procrastinating #unrelated #my parents texting me today: yay we r excited to see u 🤗 #and im just laying on the floor eminating a demonic aura

[cerasum-chrysanthes]

I've been neglecting doctors visits for so long now, even though I know I need to go. It's not even that I can't afford it, we've got health insurance in germany. idk why I'm so ... afraid? I can't tell if it's my usual social anxiety or if it's that + anxiety about doctors. About not being taken seriously or treated badly.

Like, not just have I been neglecting gyno and dentist and honestly also my psychiatrist appointments, but I know for sure that I need to talk to my GP about possible sleep apnea too.

I posted earlier today about how I jerked awake and felt like I was suffocating. This isn't exactly a new struggle, but it was never this intense. I've had some breathing-stops when falling asleep that woke me up because I would suddenly take a big breath, but never like today. It felt like I couldn't get my lungs to take in air. It didn't feel like a blockage, more like. My lungs didn't want to do their job. It was honestly scary.

I've gained a lot of weight in the past years. I think it's starting to really, really affect my health. I need to do something. Get over the anxiety and talk to doctors. Don't really want to suffocate in my sleep on accident.

#vent #cera talk #sleep apnea #of course that can only rly be determined by a doctor but i think since there was no blockage (or it didnt feel like one) #that its that other kind that i read about... where the brain just kinda doesnt do its thing #apparently a cpap machine will already help with that #i still need to lose some weight tbh. im over my maxmimum limit that i ever wanted to be #and it seems for a good reason because its just... im not feeling good anymore #i'm around 125kg now and i told myself if i reach 120kg that would be it and i would go to the doctors #but i saw it go over and neglected it #also also... i always complain about being so tired. so so fucking tired all the time. #sleep apnea can cause tiredness during the day and low energy #maybe thats the problem. either way #i think i should talk to my caretaker about this #she is there to help me with things that i struggle with #she can be there when i call for appointments or do the calls for me #maybe i need more support again

[weyrleaders]

some relatives just moved in with us and im beginning to suspect that part of the reason the people who ran the apartments they used to live in wanted them gone so bad was all the fucking noise

#like it’s not her fault she’s loud getting around #she’s nearly blind but fucking hell could be at least get her an actual guide stick #idk if that’s what it’s called and it’s almost 2:30 am #my brain’s half off and im too tired to google #she uses a wooden walking stick atm and it’s so fucking loud when she walks to this end of the house #i have to be extremely careful leaving my room because one of their dogs is like super fucking nervous #and if she hears me she’ll start barking #i set her off at like 11:30 when i was trying to close the bathroom door a little #i dont feel safe wearing earplugs because you see #i am mentally ill and im worried about everything all the time constantly #and i need to know that i would be woken up in the event of an emergency #also i might have to start sleeping with my door locked so like i defo need to be able to hear clearly #i would need to lock my door because they apparently just. dont lock front doors for some reason.

[hearts4chriss]

𝐁𝐚𝐛𝐲𝐬𝐚𝐭 𝐛𝐲 𝐦𝐲 𝐛𝐫𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐛𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝.

𝐍𝐀𝐓𝐄 𝐃𝐎𝐄'𝐒 𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐓𝐋𝐄 𝐒𝐈𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑

Brothers bestfriend! Chris + needy! Nate’s lil sis

prompt: Nate ( ur older brother ) wants to go out for a bit with some of his other friends and he doesn’t trust you enough to stay home by urself without mom and dad since they won’t be there either. So he asks one of his best friend Chris to stay over and watch you, Matt and nick know ur crush on Chris so they pretend they can’t come.

Part 01

contains: masturbation ( no actual sex ), use of y/n ( sorry I have to ) dirty fantasies ( pet names, rough! Chris, dirty talk, degrading, forced head etc just beyond FILTHLY imagination ), use of vibrator on reader, caught by Chris, FORESHADOWING, fantasy will be like this

Nate are you serious I’m not 12! I whine when said he was gonna find a baby sitter for me knowing how much it pisses me off

I’m Nate doe’s little sister I’m 18, we’ve Been close to his bestfriends the sturniolo triplets. So obviously him being my brother naturally I got to know them.

Nick

I clicked with him superrr fast, I love his energy and when I found out he was gay that just made it all the better because I’ve always wanted a gay bestfriend, and we always have sleepovers :)

Matt

Matt’s absolutely adorable I love him he always helps me calm down whenever I’m about to or am having a panic attack, I remember one time during a test I forgot everything and almost had one and he slid me the answers. Love that kid

now there’s a reason I saved Chris for last,

Chris

chris and I know each other just as well if not even more then I do his other two brothers, we haven’t done anything unfortunately. I’ve had a crush on him since middle school.

First I just wanted to kiss him and hold his hand.

Then go to his house and do some more.

Then now, as an 18 year old I wanted him to fuck my Brains out.

I’m around him all the time since we all live in LA and always hanging out, I always see him shirtless and fucking hell it turns me on, I always get lucky since nick and matt found of my attraction to his brother they always snap me or text me pictures of him.

What sucks is I cant have him. It would take my life 1000 times over for me to be able to fuck chris sturniolo, and it sucks because my brother nate does not play that shit.

He strictly said "your not allowed to date any of them" obviously referring to matt and Chris.

Which also doesn't help because my wants and desires a hormonal teenage-adult girl only grow more whenever he comes around, chris is always there.

Now today, nate had to run some errands and nick matt and chris used to watch me when I was younger if my parents couldn't

Buttt, nick and matt "could not come due to personal issues" so. Your guess is right, im gonna be alone with chris for hours.

That thought alone made me soak in my p-

“Y/n! are you listening to me kid?” My older brother chuckles leaning against my doorway of my room as im on my bed watching "The Vampire Diaries".

“Huh? oh yeah im listening matt and nick cant come so chris is because im fucking 11.” I roll my eyes hiding my excitement from him watching me.

“Don't think of any weird shit alright? He's just watching you so don't-“

“Ugh is he here yet? You're annoying me already.” I groan shifting in my sheets and taking a sip from my celsius hearin our door open, they have a key.

“Welp thats chris.” Nate says tilting his head for me to get up.

I get up from the sheets wearing some pink sleep shorts and a white t-shirt and he raises an eyebrow.

“Your wearing THAT? around chris?” Nate chuckles and I flip him off.

“Hey! I heard that!.” Chris yells coming up the stairs sounding offended.

He's now at the top of the steps. oh my fuck he looks so good.

Its around 6ish in LA right now and hes wearing a black tank top and grey fresh love sweats, slight stubble and his hair was a bit messy which I always liked and my eyes immediately drifted to his natural bulge in his pants as him and Nate were talking.

“Just make sure she doesn’t get into any trouble.” Nate puts his arm around me giving me a hug and Chris chuckles.

“Don’t worry bro she’s safe with me.” He says before dapping him up as Nate leaves the house. yeah safer if you were balls deep inside

Oh god Chris sh-shit so-d-deep inside me

Yeah? You feel me deep inside you baby?

bro she’s like zoning out today. Nate chuckled and I snap out of it

Whatever no I wasn’t! Just go!

Soon after it was just me and Chris so we made our way down to the living room

“Where are ur other two clones?” I chuckle getting situated on the couch before turning on a movie saltburn

“they have “personal issues”.” He said rolling his eyes causing a small laugh to fall from my lips.

“So it’s just you and me little one.” A smirk curving on his lips, just enough for my panties to be soaked.

Shut up Chris I’m 18.I mutter trying to watch the movie in peace and he chuckles

the movie went on and it was now, the bathtub scene where jacob elordi ( Felix ) is jerking off.

I peer over to Chris whose eyes are clearly fixated on the screen as my squeeze my thighs together under the blanket feeling all my hormonal thoughts leaking through my panties.

This had nothing to do with the movie, it’s the thought for Chris doing that to himself that had turned me on most. The tension so thick a knife couldn’t even cut through.

“Uhm I-i gotta go to the bathroom”. I nearly choke and I fix my shorts placing the blanket down where I was sitting.

“Don’t take to long I’ll miss you.” He chuckles and that didn’t help.

I go to my room and close the door squeezing my eyes shut.

I had maybe 5 minutes to relieve myself.

I quickly reach into my drawer grabbing my vibrating dildo and the remote for it.

I pull down my shorts and panties and spread my legs letting the tip of the toy get coated in my wetness and I bite my lip slightly feeling the thickness of it.

I turned it on letting out a soft moan slowly inserting it, wishing this was Chris’s dick instead.

I began thrusting the toy in and out of my pussy letting the squelching sounds of arousal grow letting it drip down curling my toes throwing my head on the pillows allowing my mind to drift

I was in Chris’s/my room my head smushed in the pillows as his cock rammed inside me whilst I was on my stomach. His hips slamming against my ass and his hand wrapped around my lower stomach as I cried out his name

Fuck fuckk so d-deep- I whimper into the pillows as he was bringing me to my 4th orgasm, we had switched numerous positions and my legs were quivering in front of him as he laid a hard snack to my ass chucking behind me.

such a fucking slut letting me fuck you like this, imagine if ur brother found out his little sister was getting her pussy pounded by his bestfriend. He laid another harsh smack to my ass and I jolted forward.

stretched this pussy out so good- he groans rubbing my clit to chase both our orgasms.

ngh- o-oh shit- fuck- I gripped the sheets tightly curses of Chris’s name flew out my mouth feeling my eyes water from the angle of his hips thrusting allowing his thick cock to hit every single spot inside me

come on sweetheart cum for me, you have another one in you yeah? He grunted lowly in my ear kissing me sloppily as a string of Saliva parts from our lips each time we kiss moaning into each others mouths.

“Oh fuck Chris I-“ I curl my toes and yell loudly as I’m about to release on the toy before I look up and see Chris. Was. Watching me.

“Were you playing with yourself?” Chris leans on the doorway of my room his eyes darting to between ny legs as I was thrusting the toy in and out of me and I quickly covered up my cheeks flush with embarrassment.

“Uhm…maybe. Sorry I-I’ll be down in a second-“

Maybe I can help. Chris says closing the door to my room approaching my bed

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