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#sleep deprivation

Tonight I made good progress. I talked about the things that happened in 2018. It was scary but it was like once I started to open up about it I couldn’t stop.

He kept asking “how did you get from there to living back at your dad’s?” And we’ll it’s rather complicated really. 2018 was a big year and I think back on it now so much could have been different.

The “what if” scenarios play out constantly.

The trauma that year brought on… I had to put all that under a blanket because I know it’s a taboo subject. I am aware it’s not something I’m expected to ever feel comfortable talking about. Talking about my past trauma is what gets me to accept that it’s happened. It’s the past. My past.

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My head hurts

There’s always this fear

The stage where I’ve started to accept my feelings. Come to terms with the way things are. Accepting myself as I am and that people do love me.

The fear that now that I’m ok, I’m happy, things are good and oh my god… It’s going to dramatically fall apart! It’ll be amazing and then it won’t. I guarantee no matter how much people tell me that it’s a good idea I’m never going to tell him how I feel! I cannot hurt him like that. It’s too much.

I’m an idiot. I cried again.

My head is full of so much noise.

I made a list of all the nice things that he’d done for me lately. Small things. Nothing major. But they’ve never been something any of my exes were able to do… It’s silly really? I’m so broken I convinced myself that I don’t deserve that kinda thing.

The lists I could make would take days to read.

Overall tho, I’m convinced that there’s no way he would ever like me in that way- it’s impossible!

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Whumper Weekly, Sleep series: Beds (Or Lack Thereof)

For some people, sleeping is hard. Sleeping gets harder when they’re on a cold concrete floor. You don’t have to spare your whumpee a bed, or even a pillow or blanket. They can use their arm as a pillow, and, if they haven’t earned that, you can cuff their wrists to the floor or to each other behind their back. There’s no reason to give your whumpee any rest, especially not if they’re still fighting you. Not if they still have the will to resist. Make every moment torture, not just while you’re in the room.

On the contrary, if your whumpee has already broken, you can reward them. I’m sure after all that time with rough sleeping conditions that a simple blanket and pillow would be a wonderful reward. It would reinforce the idea that their living conditions are directly related to how well they behave and how beautifully they broke. You can go as far as to give them a sleeping bag, an air mattress, or even a small bed, if they’ve earned it. Remember, you don’t owe your whumpee anything. Each kindness is a mercy.

Named by @thewholeuniverseisrighthere Thank you for always editing for me!

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Hogwarts having a huge inter-house slumber party organized by the students in the Room of Requirement. All the last people asleep in there being mostly Ravenclaws because they have not let themselves sleep properly for a week because of depression and school and can finally do that. A few Gryffindors because they were up too late trying to show off for the rest of the room. A couple Slytherins because they are either depressed or spoiled so they sleep in anyway.

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Tried falling asleep but can’t and now all that swells in my head are negative thoughts. Regretting to agree go to my step dads party. Having to be nice to people I don’t know and don’t like and dealing with it. It seems all I do is just try to deal. Smoking weed helped at least it made me sleep but he stopped that to. Like it’s some disease gtfo.

Now just sit here and think, if there was just something I could believe in.

Just thoughts no of them worth acting upon. But the are present eating time away from me.

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I cried this morning because I woke up late.

I cried this morning because I know my body needs a day off work. It’s demanding one. Eventually it will force me to take one. I’ll crash into my depression again when I’m doing really well outside of work.

It’s like that age old adage, as soon as one part of my life is good another part will fall apart rather dramatically.

I’m not so scared of my feelings for the boy- it doesn’t scare me as much as it did only a few days ago. The fear comes and goes but I feel secure.

Take it slow. Be present. Enjoy the moment.

Relax because everything is fine.

I’m so used to being the one doing all the effort, all the initial steps, pulling all the weight. All my previous relationships I’d be putting 70% of my energy into it, whilst they’re doing only 20% and the other 10% is lost in a void.

It is amazing - I’m nervous about things going too fast but he seems to be on the same page. Remember the mantra!


Originally posted by leidgott

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Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day

Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way.

Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town

Waiting for someone or something to show you the way.

Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain.

You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today.

And then one day you find ten years have got behind you.

No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun.

So you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it’s sinking

Racing around to come up behind you again.

The sun is the same in a relative way but you’re older,

Shorter of breath and one day closer to death.

Every year is getting shorter never seem to find the time.

Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines

Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way

The time is gone, the song is over,

Thought I’d something more to say.


Home again

I like to be here

When I can

When I come home

Cold and tired

It’s good to warm my bones

Beside the fire

Far away

Across the field

Tolling on the iron bell

Calls the faithful to their knees

To hear the softly spoken magic spell

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