#even fucking breathe?

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#other ppl: youll be fine! u r passionate abt what u do #no u dont understand. its not passion. im being consumed. im being devoured whole and alive. #its out of control and its killing me #stop trying to tell me im good. i can assure u its a problem and i want it to fucking stop. whats the point of being successful if u cant #even fucking breathe? #this has been my weekend in purgatory for some reason. but fuck u i got the fucking application 98% done so im gonna read it over tomorrow #when my brain doesnt feel like its gonna explode and thrn send it to the dude and idk see wtf he has to say about it bc im positive i #overwrote it bc im unhinged. whatever tomorrow im gonna spend another 4hr transfering algae #if i can. turns out ive given myself a headache and now i cannot sleep lmao #lol i wrote all that yesterday night. it appears i was having a bad time. and i continue to have a bad time bc my manuscript is 98% ready #for submission but i leave at 7.20 tomorrow morning for my flight and wont be home until 7pm in this time zone at the very least #which means ill have to fucking wait all day to submit i guess unless i use plane wifi or something. fucking idk #i also havent sent the application in yet and i havent bought any Christmas presents bc my brain is splitting into a million pieces #its 10 pm now. will is sleep tonight? who's to say i still have work to do on this fucking manuscript #at least my coauthor thinks itll only get sent back with minor revisions so it must look pretty ok #part of it is just me bitching abt inconsistent methods across papers bc it annoys me but also i dont give a fuck #i will fucking psychically control ppl to read this paper and use its knowledge bc the way they talk abt the topic annoys me so much #which is additionally annoying bc like i said i dont give a fuck #anyway im procrastinating #unrelated #my parents texting me today: yay we r excited to see u 🤗 #and im just laying on the floor eminating a demonic aura

[inkskinned]

you're in the habit of denying yourself things.

if someone asked you directly, you would say that you love a little treat. you like iced coffee and getting the cookie. you drink juice out of a fancy cup sometimes, and often do use your candles until they gutter out helplessly.

but you hesitate about buying the 20 dollar hand mixer because, like. you could just use your arms. you weren't raised rich. you don't get to just spend the 20 dollars (remember when that could cover lunch?), at least - you don't spend that without agonizing over it first, trying to figure out the cost-benefits like you are defending yourself in front of a jury. yes, this rice cooker could seriously help you. but you do know how to make stovetop rice and it really isn't that hard. how many pies or brownies would you actually make, in order to make that hand mixer worthwhile?

what's wild is that if the money was for a friend, it would already be spent. you'd fork over 40 without blinking an eye, just to make them happy. the difference is that it's for you, so you need to justify it.

and it sneaks in. you ration yourself without meaning to - you don't finish the pint of ice cream, even though you want to. the next time you go to the store, you say ah, i really shouldn't, and then you walk away. you save little bits of your precious things - just in case. sometimes you even go so far as putting that one thing in your shopping cart. and then just leaving it there, because maybe-one-day, but not right now, there's other stuff going on.

you do self-care, of course. but you don't do it more than like, 3 days in a row. after that it just feels a little bit over-the-edge. like. you can't live in decadence, the economy is so bad right now, kid.

so you don't buy the rice cooker. you can-and-will spend the time over the stove. you can withstand the little sorrows. denial and discipline are practically synonyms. and you're not spoiled.

it's just - it's not always a rice cooker. sometimes it is a person or a job or a hug. sometimes it is asking for help. sometimes it is the summer and your college degree. sometimes it is looking down at scabbed knees and feeling a strange kind of falling, like you can't even recognize the girl you used to be. sometimes it is your handprint looking unsteady.

sometimes it is tuesday, and you didn't get fired, and you want to celebrate. but what is it you like, even? you search around your little heart and come up empty. you're so used to denying that all your desires draw a blank.

oh fuck. see, this is the perfect opportunity. if you had a mixer, you'd make a cake.

#warm up #this isn't good #writeblr #this is complicated by the fact i can't stand up too long or i fuckken pass out and <3 hit my damn head <3 #but i did take a deep breath and buy myself the stupid rice cooker #and!!! a very cheap sushi kit!!! i have been wanting to try making sushi for literally YEARS #the kit was only like 15 dollars!!!! and i haven't purchased it bc?!!??!?!?!?!!? #..... i didn't get the mixer tho that felt. like a lot. like too much. #on my list is a kitchenaid. one day when i get a check and i have paid off my student debt #and medical debt #i will put that first little bit of cash #into a kitchenaid 5qt stand mixer (with attachments) #i really do just go into their refurbished section and stare lustily at each option #but yeah i feel guilty about the rice cooker even tho i know for a fact this damn thing is gonna be a lifesaver #oh shit also fuck i forgot to mention . poached eggs

[stuckinapril]

friend wanted to see my tumblr, and when i told him i can’t show it to him bc it’s basically my personal diary he went “oh so I can’t see it but a bunch of strangers on tumblr can??” he literally does not get me. no one will get me like the people in my phone get me

#It’s just so different #even though it’s public it still feels secret and safe. i feel comfy sharing a lot more on here than I do in my actual day to day life lol #in my head I’m also just speaking to myself 90% of the time which helps #if a friend off tumblr saw my thoughts I’d feel so weird ab it #esp bc they might get the vagueposting about certain situations and tell mutual friends #no thank u. this is for me. I’m not about to start censoring my thoughts bc someone I know knows my tumblr #u guys literally saw me have LIVE BREAKDOWNS #meanwhile I’ll have the worst fucking day in history and tell no one about it. I’m already cripplingly private but way more so in real life #this is basically a low stress journaling outlet for me. it’s so important for me to maintain the separation #like this is actually my diary & has been so handy for letting out emotions / articulating thoughts / staying on track !! #& I’ve met so many kind people on here who actually get me. which is so hard to find irl bc I’m surrounded by pre-med gunners/overachievers #who are by standard not very good w emotion & can be competitive/judgmental. or at least it’s hard for me to be vulnerable in front of them #and I’m part of that crowd so I reserve my emotions only to a handful of very close friends #it’s nice to hop on here and express negative emotions!! or positive emotions!! just whatever I want and it’s low stress and people get me #I don’t have to worry about judgment or competitiveness etc etc #like everyone on here is so kind & nice & understanding. & just a breath of fresh air from the types I run w. it’s just nice to have this #so idk that’s why I think I’ll always be strict about keeping the worlds separate. it just works #p

[lunargrapejuice]

(s)creaming

art by @/eriimyon on twitter

#fuck I can’t even breath looking at this fjdkfkdkdkd #!!!! #or x or whatever #i need him carnally #diluc #diluc ragnvindr

[lotus-pear]

dazai breathlessly watching his partner in an inhuman, corrupted state and still finding him beautiful has to be another kind of love

#literally seven years later from that line in fifteen. it's the same fucking expression #“even dazai forgot how to breathe as he watched the storm that was chuuya decimate the battlefield” #look at the life in his eyes. the mesmerized expression. he has seen this hundreds of times and it is still beautiful to him every time #the awe. “that's my partner.” #ahem anyway. i reread this volume like once every week. it's my favorite one. #bsd #skk

[brookheimer]

shiv was not being altruistic nor intellectually self-interested when she voted against kendall. that was pure raw visceral desperation to maintain some semblance of dignity that she felt kendall being ceo would shred her of. sometimes people do not act in other people’s best interests or their own best interests. sometimes people do the wrong thing for the wrong reasons just because it feels like the right, the only, thing to do. shiv could not let kendall be ceo. she just couldn’t. not because she wanted to sacrifice herself to “stop the cycle,” not because she made a calculation and decided tom was her best interest — because the thought of kendall being ceo and acting like That the rest of their lives when shiv earned that job, she fucking earned it, that was too much to fucking bear. watching him sit in dad’s chair, conduct that vote, grin with entitlement and cockiness and certainty — seeing that elicited a visceral painful all-consuming sensation not dissimilar to overwhelming nausea that, summed up in two words, would simply be: fuck. no. she couldn’t live with that. she just couldn’t. it’s not kind. it’s not smart. it’s just human. painfully, destructively human. because sometimes, that’s all there is to it. not just for shiv, but for everyone. god knows roman and kendall have had those same feelings, made those same self-destructing yet necessary-feeling decisions throughout the show. why does it have to be different for shiv? why can’t she be painfully destructively human, prone to impulsive ill-conceived viscerally felt actions, like everyone else? why are we incapable of allotting her the same nuance and humanity (the good and the bad), the same trauma-informed self-destructive life-ruining hamartias, as we do her brothers? why can’t we fit a whole woman in our heads?

#very surprised to see so many ‘shiv stopped the cycle on purpose blah blah blah’ takes like that didn’t even cross my mind as a motivation #of hers #it wasn’t calculated — i mean kendall winning would be to her benefit in terms of power and respect. that would be best for her #it wasn’t just jealousy or anything either; it wasn’t a coherent thought or plan #it was just I Can’t Fucking Do This #i can’t sit there while he smiles like that when he sits in dad’s chair and hisses that’s fucking right under his breath when someone votes #his way. not when that job was fucking MINE. it was MINE. i can’t- i can’t fucking do it #it’s about preservation of emotional dignity #it’s about self-respect #it’s ironic though because there are few things more undignified and less respected than being a quiet betrayed trophy wife to a weak ceo #husband who earned his position even less than kendall #but she’s not thinking clearly. she’s not Thinking. she just acted because there was this visceral need to act #succession #succession spoilers #shiv roy #100 #500 #casey shut the fuck up about shiv roy #1000

[crustyfloor]

IVAN'S A FUCKING FUCKER FOR NOT EVEN CHOKING TILL PROPERLY HE WAS GENTLY HOLDING HIM IN PLACE

(it kills me because Till probably thought ivan was gonna give him one last out or something hence why he closed his eyes in what i feel like is acceptance)

#alien stage #alnst till #alnst ivan #ivantill #That motherfucker was NOT choking him #they cant even choke eachother fuckthem #TILL TOOK THAT SHIT BECAUSE HE THOUGHT HE WAS GONNA GET HIS ASS WHOOPED NO SIR YOU JUST GOT FUCKED ON STAGE #its genuinely so hard to tell if Ivan was actually choking him because Till wasnt struggling for shit #no gasp of air as he tried to breathe in #his necks a little pink but that could just be lighting #i dont fuckin know #massive cope btw i dunno what the fukk they were doing here #alien stage till #alien stage ivan #alnst

[parksrway]

First | < Previous | Next >

#WE ARE SO FUCKING BACK #CHAMPIONS SHADOW... CHAMPIONS SHADOW I MISSED YOU SO BAD #HONEY IM BACK FROM WAR (UNIVERSITY) #champion's shadow au #champion's shadow #champion's shadow au canon #the legend of zelda #botw #tloz #alternate universe #au #botw sheik au #botw sheik #update #master kohga #yiga #yiga clan #breath of the wild #i didnt even complain about it kicking my ass even once... i took the ass kicking for granted #i havent updated since MAY.... #parksrscribbles

[edsbacktattoo]

“it feels easy. it’s just like breathing.”

“i love everything about you. I love being near you. breathing the same air.”

#DO YOU SEE DO YOU SEE DO YOU SEE DO YOU SEE?????? #BEING IN LOVE??? BREATHING THE SAME AIR?????? #HE WANTS IT TO BE EVEN NOW. REQUITED #NOT A ONE SIDED THING ANYMORE #DO YOU SEE????????? #someone fucking put me down #put me in the dirt. #ofmd #our flag means death #ofmd s2 teaser #ofmd s2 spoilers #oh we thinkin?

[zeb-z]

Something about Brasso being the kindness in this series. Warm, trustworthy, friendly, compassionate. He’s who Cassian goes to when he needs a cover, and he’s on the same page without question. He’s who takes care of Maarva the best he can while she’s still alive. He tells Bix to run the moment the Imperials are after her, no question or hesitation as he steps between her and the Imps. He’s patient with Bee when Maarva passes, encourages the old droid to help the Daughters, stays in the house with Bee when he’s asked. The first thing he does when he sees Cassian again is hug him, long and hard. He delivers Maarva’s final words, how Cassian is loved more than any wrong he could ever do. He walks Maarva’s brick down Rix road, he’s the first to start swinging at the Imps, and he drops the fight to rescue the poor kid (who’s name I can’t remember).

Something about him being the kindness in the series in the face of adversity. Loyal and compassionate. Something about how his role is crucial in this rebellion. And something about how, most importantly, he survives.

#something something there’s always hope even in the darkest nights something something kindness cannot be killed so easily #can anybody fucking hear me #he’s compassion he’s selflessness he’s kindness at his core and he lives and breathes in the face of oppression. in spite of it #and most importantly he outlasts it. he starts the fight and he lives through it #Andor #Andor spoilers #brasso #Star Wars #sw #z speaks

[punkeropercyjackson]

'End cringe culture!!!'You guys can't even handle adults who love kids cartoons because they have lgbt representation

#do you guys not see the irony in this?????you say 'cringe dosen't exist' and in the same breath use '[insert toon] fan' as slang for 'loser' #get a fucking grip ffs we're not less smart than you just because we like superheroes and furries and princesses and shit over adult media #(not aimed at irl h*rnyposting blogs btw ily y'all even if it's not my thing because you're always much nicer with the best taste in stuff) #kidcore tag #adventure time #rwby #spiderman #bluey #she ra #toh #dead end:paranormal park #bubbline #gumlee tag #bmo #bumbleby #may marigold #gwen stacy #hobie brown #catradora #glimbow #seamista #scorfuma #lumity #huntlow #raine whispers #barney guttman #norma khan #💌 #summerposting #actuallyautistic

[britcision]

My friends of Dungeon Meshi

I have a gift for you and it is IRL Laios and Senshi

Someone gave this lovely Korean couple a supermarket that will sell them American cheese 100 slices at a time and I just… yeah it’s them

They have also acquired ostrich eggs and on the one hand they are the perfect people to have them and I’m delighted they did but on the other hand it does feel like someone should be trying to stop them

Not succeeding. Just… trying

I now feel a very visceral understanding for Marcille and Chilchuck’s experience because I am watching in mild horror but I would also have no choice but to try it given the chance

Note: if you’re gonna be a chickenshit about unusual ingredients you haven’t eaten before your Laios or Senshi fan card will immediately be revoked I do make the rules

There’s a bunch of fascinating things they’re doing with tripe and organs and things I’ve never eaten and absolutely none of it gives me the visceral urge to run of boiling noodles in American cheese

Also their mayo is in The World’s Worst Squeeze Bottle it looks like tentacles and it gives me inverse ASMR so watch with caution for shit to get weird but none of you are gonna embarrass this fandom by saying something like “oh gross guts”

The channel is called Try To Eat and I’m not gonna lie I have complete faith in their abilities to eat absolutely anything they want to

#dungeon meshi #delicious in dungeon #try to eat #korean cooking youtubers #coming for my heart #food wizards #ostrich egg meringue #cooking ramen in boiling cheese #tbh i’d probably die breathing the air in their kitchen i cannot handle spices #not even the ones that taste reeeeeeeally good 😭 #cracked black pepper can fuck me up i can’t eat any of their savouries 😭 #but i want tooooooooooo 😭 #food #adventurous food #Youtube

[inkskinned]

am i gonna put you in the book acknowledgements am i gonna be able to say your name without flinching am i ever gonna get a word in edgewise am i ever gonna recover the time i spent with you. computer virus kid; i arrived in your life already begging to be let in. somehow insecure i could even be your friend. like you had a line outside the door and we were all shifting our weight, begging.

you're so fucking good at that - at making people feel like they need to earn you, like you're a commodity none of us can afford. no kindness or careful communication could work on you - you were so good at just going-ghost, about deciding someone just wasn't cool-enough. something about that is super ironic. even the parts of it that weren't romantic felt like a romance book. i wanted you to like me so badly i scrubbed myself clean just so you'd spare me - what. your favor? a look?

okay okay okay. it's just a friendship - if it was even true that we were friends, if you even saw me as someone you trusted. on reddit someone would tell me girl literally just cut her out of your life, it's not that difficult. even i was aware of how fucked up the whole situation was. like, why the fuck do i even care about your approval? you're like, not even that fun to be around. you are often a little bit cruel.

but for almost four years of my life, i thought i had found someone like me. somebody who liked the same things i do. someone who liked to read and who liked making jokes with esoteric references and who spent maybe too much time on the internet and who was absolutely a little bit pretentious. i don't know, something about that was powerful and addictive.

i keep thinking about our last conversation. about how i said - okay, enough is enough. you pushed me too far, you really hurt my feelings.

and how you laughed and said - you think you're the victim?

#spilled ink #warm up #writeblr #she physically assaulted me and then screamed in my face #but not before sh'ing first and blaming it on me #while she was locked in my bathroom. at 1 in the morning #while i begged her to please just calm down and to try taking a deep breath and to go to sleep #and then she was like - ur just like my abuser #bc she had screamed in my face which was triggering to me and i froze like a deer in the headlights #and since i had shut down at that point evidently i was the problem child #i know she is out there telling our mutual friends i abandoned her and it makes me SO pissed off #like dude you spent so much fucking time forgiving & forgetting that your decrepit asshole of a boyfriend #pushed me down in the fucking hallway #but noooo hes <3 troubled <3 at 43 and divorced #bc according to you it's important that u don't '''see anyone as a monster'' #but god forbid i not handle you SCREAMING IN MY FACE #i couldnt even get you to say sorry for crossing my original and only boundary you were like ''what did you want me to do'' #babe i said 'the bf is not allowed around here he scares me and u said ur broken up with him' #that was the thing i wanted you to do: not fucking invite him to WHERE I LIVED #godddd typing this shit out and knowing it's only 2% of what actually happened makes me feel pathetic #i can't believe i let you treat me like that. you were a TERRIBLE friend.

[whaliiwatching]

sparks fly

cleared the smoke for you

#spider man: across the spider verse #spider punk #spider noir #hobie brown #noirpunk #yes i AM repeating the same few poem pieces what of it #is ‘blood sweat and razor blades’ not fucking metal and perfect for them #shotgunning is like if. um. if you couldnt fuck on screen and needed a replacement scene of similar emotional intensity #or something #the intimacy of sharing breath. warmth. hand on your face guiding you closer #intricate rituaaaaaals #mmmmhhhhhhhhhhh i like them normal #they do this while pining and its torture. if you even care #btw the text behind them says #DARK SIDE OF LOVE HAPPINESS SEEMS TO BE LONELINESS AND LONELINESS KILLS MY WORLD #cw smoking #cw cigarettes #dont smoke kids

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

im so Normal. totally not shaking and crying rn

#its nice to be this excited about something again! to the point of nausea! #and i Mean That #this is the good kinda stress. tis a welcome break from the usual brands #all week i've been having moments of 'ohhhh god New Information Incoming' and i have to sit down every time #and measure my breathing to chill tf out #is this unhealthy! maybe! i am trying to keep it Contained!! tightly leashed if you will #BUT OH FUCK ITS ALMOST HERE AGH AGH AGH #absolutely unprompted #welcome home #i will probably be unable to discover secrets bc i am bad with computers and the like #but hey! ill try! #if there's like... a spoiler tag yall want from me ill make sure to tag any Update Posts with it #then again wh is a unique scenario of like... Are there spoilers #bc it feels like a 'a couple people uncover stuff and then show/tell the rest' thing #but what would i know! this is kinda the first update! #LETS GO GAMERS I HOPE THE NEW STUFF IS TRAUMATIZING FOR BOTH US AND THE CHARACTERS #alright im getting to excited again im gonna go lay down #gonna be refreshing pages every ten seconds even when its completely illogical and meaningless to do so

[tapeworrmart]

COME HOME

#Re did this a bit cuz I HATED it last night. Still wanna draw more simon probs more sketchy things #At ch 7 of cry if fear and I'm so emotional about my boy Simon. That's just a lad!!! #The way he reacts to everything happening around me. The whole forest level??? My god #The fact he breathes fast and gets scared before you even see the enemy fucks me UP like boy calm down please #Relatable tho #Cry of fear #simon henriksson #Cof #Cof simon #Cry of fear simon #fan art #art #sketch #character art #horror #Horror game