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bitey-baby-shark · 1 year

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30 Days of Agere: Day Twenty- Five

25.) Why do you regress?

This is gonna be long and kinda depressing so tw for talk of sexual/physical/ emotion abuse, bullying, suicide attempts, mental health in general, psychosis talk, and self harm under read more. I would not recommend reading this while regressed, it’s heavy and honestly more for my own catharsis than to be consumed by others.

Because I never got to be a kid. When I was born, I was the only kid of the two parents who are still married to this day. I was the one they banked all their hopes and dreams on and because they were cops they banked everything that I’d be the next super soldier cop or something. All throughout growing up I was told from a VERY young age that the world was an evil cruel place that if I wasn’t careful I’d become a victim to it and it would be all my fault for not being smart and doing things victims don’t do. I was raised on the idea that all kids were liars and manipulative, and that I should be doing everything in my power to make my existence as small as possible to not bother my parents. I’ve been slapped, hit with hairbrushes, slapped so hard with a wooden spoon it broke, and emotionally destroyed constantly. They constantly told me I was perfect. I was their perfect kid. Nevermind that my half brother was encouraging grown men to talk to me online, nevermind my father groping me from when I was a literal baby up until I ran from their house, nevermind my mother putting me on starvation diets at 7. I was perfect to them.

And I grew up believing this was normal, that it was normal that at five years old I came home sobbing to my parents that I thought if I wasn’t perfect they wouldn’t love me. That any time I got in trouble at school (which was RARE) I would get violently ill in fear of what my parents would do to me. That I never seemed to have energy or feel happy or connect with my peers in any way. It seemed when I was young I was missing these socializing lessons everyone else was getting. Everyone around me wasn’t terrified of talking at all, wasn’t afraid to be rambunctious and loud, they weren’t worried about taking up space. Meanwhile I spent all of elementary school being fed this belief by my parents that if I wasn’t perfect, I was worthless to them, and I HAD to be perfect. Or else.

And then I turned 13. This was the turning point for me. When everything changed. My mental health had already been poor. I showed symptoms of early onset childhood psychosis by the time I was 7. I wasn’t socializing with my peers, in fact at this point I was being so viciously bullied by them that my peers were encouraging me to kill myself. I started self harming at this point because I believed that my existence was something to be punished for. I started carrying around bleach in a water bottle in case someone pushed be over the edge and convinced me to take my own life. I ended up having a massive mental breakdown at school and the few friends I had at the time were worried I was actually going to end up killing myself so they reported me to the dean, and I got called in and it all came out. How I was seeing things others couldn’t, that I was thinking big fantastical things that disconnected with reality, that I hated going home every day because my parents made me hate myself but also that I hated coming to school because people wouldn’t leave me alone and kept assaulting me in the hallways. My parents got called, CPS got called, and I was supposed to get sent to a psych ward. Instead, my parents pulled the “We’re cops, we’re good guys!” card and they got to take me home. That evening did not go over well with them.

A lot more happened in my teenage years. My symptoms got worse and more aggressive, and by the time I graduated highschool I was barely even a person. I was just whatever my parents wanted me to be and the psychiatrist I had at the time was more than willing to give me the meds my parents wanted me to be on that turned me into a sedated zombie. When I left for college that’s finally when I started piecing together that there was something wrong with my family. I started dissociating a lot more. I discovered what being a system was, went to my own psychiatrist and immediately got diagnosed as schizoaffective bipolar type 1, and being away from my parents finally gave me the clarity that other people weren’t like this. Other people didn’t have parents who screamed at them, called them a failure and worthless, didn’t hit them so hard they’d wet themselves even in my older years, didn’t have a father that would grope them on the daily. They had families that loved them.

I didn’t end up escaping until I was twenty, a few months after I had dropped out of college. The months leading up to me leaving their abuse only worsened. I often woke up to them screaming at me for half an hour about some chore I left undone, something I messed up, some task I forgot. When I dropped out of college it’s like they held back all their previous restraints because my supposed perfection had been completely tarnished by dropping out. They let all their rage and anger out on me every single day. Finally, I ended up booking it to my now ex-partner’s house.

The rest of the story isn’t important all that much. I ended up trusting the wrong people. Lost half my stuff, ended up homeless, ended up in and out of hospitals for months. Now, after 22 years of hell, I’m finally somewhere safe and stable. I’m planning to return back to my REAL home in Chicago once I get some financial stuff settled. Unfortunately due to my disabilities, both physical and mental I can’t work so I scrape by with donations and the occasional money I bring in with commissions. But... to answer the question now with context. I never got to be a kid. To this day, the people in my life see me as some unstoppable force. A titan who can take on the worst the world has to offer and will take it with a smile. Someone who can go through anything and come out the other side like it was nothing. But that’s not how trauma works. Yeah most of the time, I come off as this cold, calculated bad ass, who almost functions like a scary guard dog to the people close to me. I’ll do anything and everything to keep them safe.

But where does that leave me? I regress to heal that small child in me that got their developmental years stolen from them. I regress to try and move on from the pain I faced for so long. I regress because it’s the only time my body lets me relax and relive that child like wonder I had lost so long ago. I regress because I never got to be a child. I was raised to be a super soldier not a human. When I’m big, it’s apparent with my demeanor and how I behave that I was raised to be indestructible. But I’m human. And humans a re soft and squishy, I’m not a super soldier. I’m a scared kid trapped in an adults body begging for that childhood we never got. And that’s what I’m giving myself now. That’s what my entire life is dedicated to now. Doing the things for ourselves that we should have done long ago. Taking care of myself now, because no one did when I was younger. Giving myself the space to be a kid. Because it’s what younger me deserves.

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catch-the-wind · 3 years

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when reader is sick hc's

finally posting writing here so true

n e ways okay so i’m brainrotting about the genshin charas taking care of their s/o’s when they’re sick 🥺 and now i'm feeling sick, sigh

ohm and sulien ambros belong to @teyvattherapist! they're such good chara's, i know i'm writing them here but i deffo recommend reading up on them

okay here u go, have some hc's that are kinda sorta long and by that i mean 2.5k- i haven't proofread this bc it's 4am and im going to BED but if i write for any other chara's i'll post a second part <3 mwah

tags: gn!reader, diluc x reader, kaeya x reader, jean x reader, lisa x reader, albedo x reader, dainsleif x reader, tartaglia x reader, ohm ambros x reader, sulien ambros x reader, soft bean hours

diluc

is not working or traveling when his partner is sick

absolutely makes them soup and hot tea and drinks

he’s trying to make them food but he’s not the best cook so he’s asking adelinde for help

absolutely asks jean, barbara, and ohm for help while his partner is sleeping but he’s so awkward LMAO

was absolutely frantic the first day he found out his partner was sick tho, he made them come over to the winery so they could sleep there and he can take care of them <3

absolutely lied about what room was his so they slept in his bed

“hmm this guest room is so furnished diluc are all your rooms like this” and no, no they are not, this room is his, bestie

diluc slept on a sofa in his bedroom and did work on the table that was supposed to be for flowers. kinda stressed over abyss order locations but was more worried ab his partner being okay so he was distracted

he just put the flowers on his nightstand for his partner to see when they woke up <3

gives his partner forehead kisses because they won’t let him kiss them on the lips and he gives them the gentlest cheek kisses while they sleep

also gives his partner his clothes to wear <3

cuddles them and reads to them when they’re awake and TEMPLE KISSES OH MY GOD

kaeya comes over because he’s worried his brother and his brother’s s/o haven’t been seen in a little while

n e way, diluc gets sick after his partner gets better and they nursed each other back to health

kaeya

like diluc, he took off work so he could take care of his s/o i,mediately after he found out they were sick

wouldn’t force them to stay at his place tho, he’d probably let them recover in their own place

but he might make them go to the kof hq or the cathedral just so they can be taken care of by a proper healer

he absolutely soothes their fevers and stuff w cryo and also the man can heal himself w his elem skill ofc he can fix someone if he tries hard enough <3

he gives kisses no matter how much his partner says not to but he’ll also give them butterfly kisses so it’s soft moments too~ sigh, ur too cute alberich

asks ohm and barbara and albedo and lisa for potions and such to help his partner feel better but he’s really lowkey so he doesn’t seem SUPER worried

he just hates seeing his partner not feeling so well </3

refreshes his partner’s vase of flowers at their bedside every day

brings home work so he can watch over his partner. he can’t cook super well either so he asks for help and brings stuff home from good hunter too

jean was okay to let kaeya off of work and diluc would never admit it (man practically swore everyone to secrecy smh) but he helped take up some of kaeya’s duties in his stead

and kae, the alcoholic, didn’t even drink while his partner was sick bc he was lowkey worried they would need his help w smth and he didn’t want to be drunk just in case <3

many cuddles despite protests of getting him sick <3

jean

absolutely uses her healer skills to make her partner feel better

panicked when they were still sick and thought it was her fault </3 she asked barbara and ohm for help and they just told jean to relax a bit bc her partner was sick and it wasn’t going to be a quick fix

wanted to take off work but didn’t, so she just brought her work with her

kaeya and ohm very kindly took up her other duties where she had to leave so she could be w her partner

her partner is staying in the kof hq where they get access to ohm and barbara comes to visit <3 but also so that jean can sleep comfortably enough close by bc you cannot tell me this woman does not sometimes sleep in her office or the library and barely makes it to the kof dormitories sometimes

she’s so worried the entire time, she’s probably got a few gray hairs and a new frown line smh

she has clothes that aren’t her work clothes???? it’s so foreign seeing her in stuff like pajamas. you didn’t even know jean owned pajamas

jean sets them up in her bed at home (yeah she has a place outside of the kof hq??? it’s surprising) but it’s a big bed so they can rest and she’ll have the lamp on her side on while she sits up and does work

absolutely dotes on them. she’s good at making foods that make them feel better, she’s just a good healer that way <3

albedo, klee, venti, kaeya, lisa, and ohm all come over to check on jean and co and make sure everyone is doing okay <3 lots of food brought

if jean was asked to sing to her partner normally, she probably wouldn’t bc she’d probably get embarrassed but i think she probably sounds v good and venti would give her his lyre to try out a musical instrument too. but also she’d read to her partner and they’d probably fall asleep together uwu

lisa

works part time hours at the library so she can go visit her s/o

probably asks them to stay at the kof hq for easier access to medical assistance and plus she’s almost always there

“cutie” but worried and very 🥺 (pleading emoji)

makes soup and potions and reads to her partner until they fall asleep

also super playful omg she’s still got a smile on and is full of affection while she walks her fingers up her partner’s arm to their face so she can cup their cheek

she’ll make her partner laugh and smile and blush even when they’re sick, but she makes them laugh until they cough sometimes and immediately feels so bad

jean, barbara, kaeya, albedo and ohm all come to visit with different foods and soups and medicines and such

klee comes knocking and gives lisa some good fisherman’s toast and asks lisa’s s/o if they want to hug dodoco b/c that always makes klee feel better

purple roses galore, lisa has them in her partner’s room and they’ve got a potion to make the. uh. sniffer? to make the sniffer feel better. don’t ask me how, idk but she would find a way to make them physically feel better with flowers

reads to her partner ofc, and she tells them stories ab her own life and time at sumeru sans the crazies

worried looks when her s/o is sleeping but also the softest smiles when they wake up pls-

albedo

cutest lil frown on his face when he finds out his partner is sick

immediately they are taken home and he’s testing to confirm what’s wrong w them and what he can do to speed up their recovery

he’s more distracted than usual at work but he’s coming over to your place all the time w what paperwork he can do

also sketches his partner while they don’t know. he’s got lots of beautiful candids of his partner sleeping, looking out the window, falling asleep, reading, even drinking water. he’s made the most mundane things look captivating

kaeya and ohm come to check on albedo when he doesn’t show up for work after a few days and it’s bc he’s taking care of his s/o with food and soup and alchemical potions and shit. and when kae and ohm come in, they find his partner opening the door wrapped in a blanket while albedo is asleep cuddling the pillow they left bc he stayed up the night before making soup and reading to them

klee has camped out on his partner’s couch, she helps w the cooking too~ she absolutely lets them hug dodoco and gives them a treasure to feel better too LOL

many kisses from klee and albedo, and they also go out to get treats for albedo’s partner too

domestic albedo cooking in his partner’s kitchen and for once it isn’t some alchemical potion that he might blow up the stove with

tartaglia

takes off work entirely but BOY OH BOY is he stir crazy smh

brings his partner to his apartment to rest <3

he’s so worried ab his s/o that he makes all the sick ppl food the first day, orders from wanmin restaurant when his partner wants smth different, and also gets toys and such to entertain them otherwise

also reads to his partner but, again, he gets stir crazy after a while

absolutely does workouts and katas in the living room and phew shirtless tartaglia working out? gets the heart rate up for sure ahem

rushes to his partner tho omg- need soup? water? a trip to the bathroom? another blanket? he goes to them the MOMENT he hears them moving around. absolutely dotes on them <3

his family knows ab his partner and he’s probably written letters ab them being sick~ his family sent snezhnayan herbs and flowers and medicines and such

zhongli comes around because he wants sugar daddy!tartaglia with tea and medicine from bubu pharmacy. hu tao is in tow with well wishes and a “hope i don’t find you at work!” which is. a little worrying because aren’t you just a little sick-

many kisses from tartaglia because he is Needy and he’ll absolutely get sick from cuddling his partner while they sleep

also he’ll probably just like. envelop his partner while they sleep. they’re all cuddled into him and he’s actually so warm it’s nice bc they’re cold w a fever and he’s living for comforting them

he’s so worried tho, he’s got the frowny face and he’s so adorable but he just doesn’t want his partner to feel sick

dainsleif

the man camps in ruins, he’s going to his partner’s house smh

he doesn’t go into the church either LOL so expect him in his partner’s home making dinner and doing their grocery shopping thanks

he would get ohm and barbara to come over tho <3 “fix them please” but also “how can i fix them”

is so dead set on making sure his partner takes their medicine at the right times, he’s so soft for them and them alone

cooks soup and old recipes he barely remembers from khaenri’ah. he doesn’t really get sick, so he doesn’t remember these ones too clearly. deffo brings back old memories he’d long forgotten

reads to his partner and tells them old stories of how the world used to be, his travels, gives them the gossip on a certain khaenri’ahn but doesn’t give away the name

ohm comes over with medicine and lollipops bc dain is so unlikely to go to the cathedral to get barbara smh

but also dain, so self-sufficient, is unlikely to want to ask for help, so ohm just goes to help anyway

dain with the old khaenri’ahn lullabies and tucking his partner into his arms and singing quietly while he holds them and rocks them to sleep

dain is immortal, he’s giving his partner kisses bc “i’m immortal, ofc i won’t get sick”

he got sick

but his s/o nursed him back to health and then there were smooches the end

ohm ambros

the doctor with his ill lover oh my god

he’s frowny, he’s taking care of his partner at his home in springvale and his home clinic is open to everyone else. but everyone knows his partner is the first priority LOL

kaeya and albedo come over to see if ohm is okay or if his house needs to be checked up on. they’re wondering if he went on a last-minute expedition to sumeru and didnt tell them

diluc comes over too, he’s just checking up on his best friend but he’s also stealing a cherry lollipop smh. he heard from kae that ohm’s partner is sick tho, so he brings some soup and good food over from adelinde. he also brings some of his own specialty food tho, the once upon a time in mondstadt <3

sulien sending letters to his big brother to see if his brother’s s/o is okay

ohm is also just super protective of his partner, there are not many people who come into his life who he loves and lets in in the first place. he’s absolutely trying to heal them with his own vitality, so their recovery is much shorter than initially expected

barbara also comes over w jean to check up on ohm and co, complete w a goody basket of soup, a teddy bear, flowers, and books

ohm reading to his partner <3 he’s got such a soothing voice even if his accent is wack LMAO. he’s reading stories and even his paperwork because just his presence is comforting

he puts his hands on his partner’s forehead to soothe the fever goodbye

ohm will not sing for his s/o simply bc he doesn’t think he sounds v good. and he probably doesn’t but it would be so cute to hear him try and please ohm? 🥺

n e way i want smooches idc if i’m sick KISS ME OHM AMBROS

sulien ambros

when he finds out his partner is sick, the man blinks like twice and then suggests so calmly that they go to his apartment in liyue

man does not sleep normally, he’s just going to nurse his partner back to health and read during their recovery. fruit tart can cover his duties for him <3

sulien cooks for his partner tho, he’s making soup and stuff and getting medicine from bubu’s pharmacy. he’s also picking up books on the way home but some of them are to be read to his partner so it’s okay-

like tartaglia, sulien works out while his partner rests and goes to them if he hears them moving around. he’s reading to his partner and not so frowny, but the slightest furrow of this man’s brow is already such a big expression of his concern <3

sends letters to ohm asking for advice ab how to help his partner feel better. ohm just sends a letter back with “i’m coming” and shows up within the day LMAO

reads to his partner, and the monotony of his voice is soothing and lulls them to sleep. he just looks at them affectionately (well affectionate for him) and presses a kiss to their forehead before finishing the story on his own and in his head

tartagalicious comes over and brings food, flowers and a teddy bear with some of sandrone’s paperwork but he sends a smile to sulien’s partner with some well wishes

scara comes over too just to visit and check to see where sandrone is, but scara is a grumpy bean so he just says “feel better” all brooding and like it’s a command to one of the fatui subordinates LOL

sulien like ohm uses his cold hands to soothe his partner’s fever and also gives them forehead kisses <3

Edit: a link to part 2

#genshin impact x reader #diluc x reader #kaeya x reader #jean x reader #lisa x reader #albedo x reader #dainsleif x reader #tartaglia x reader #childe x reader #ohm ambros x reader #sulien ambros x reader #lane's ocs #genshin fluff #hc's #lyz.writes #i'm finally posting here omg #so many tags...#goodNIGHT

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