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totallyuseless-ugh · 6 months

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Across the Campus

Chapter Six: Not very Stereotypical

The small dorm room was filled with endless sounds of keyboard clicks and the occasional flip of a page whenever Darnell worked on his class paper. Every spare minute, he would spend in some type of way working for it. He would even write through the night if Pico were not always dragging him away from the desk in the evening.

Even on Saturday, Darnell went right back to his desk after the usual morning coffee. Pico thought not much of it until he returned hours later from his basketball training. “Alright, that’s enough for today,” he said and pulled Darnell on his chair back from the laptop.

“Hey, I’m working!” Darnell complained loudly.

“Yeah, you’ve been doing so the entire week. If I had spent all that time on your screen, I would be having a tan now!”

Darnell did not want to hear it. He did not want to listen to his aching back asking for a break either, unless absolutely necessary. He wanted to get the essay done and out of the way as soon as possible. “C’mon, just gimme another hour!”

“Not a chance,” Pico shook his head and closed the laptop. “You’re not enjoying yourself anymore. Get your ass out of that chair and get dressed for the party.”

“We had an agreement! I said I’d come if I got 75 percent of the work done.”

Pico raised an eyebrow as if he were questioning Darnell’s sanity for a moment. “My guy, you’ve written ten pages for an essay with a twelve page limit. Correct me if my math is wrong, but that’s more than 75 percent finished.”

By the time Pico and Darnell arrived at the house, the place was already rapidly filling with people. It certainly came to no surprise that parties supposedly were a regular thing around here. The sheer size of the house suggested two different stories. Either a really cool (and rich) party kid was given the family’s third residence to live in while attending uni, or a group of friends made a (most likely drunken) decision to finance this together for housing and, of course, a shit ton of parties. Either way, the place was already looking very promising.

The crowd of students was a mix of many familiar faces, some more vaguely than others, and a bunch which appeared to be complete strangers. Possibly alumni who had come back to see friends and have a good time. And although the party had just barely started, the mood all around was already great. Everyone was chill, talking and laughing with drinks in hand, and the occasional good song got people to dance around for a while.

“This will be fun,” Pico laughed optimistically as he scanned the area. Darnell nodded in agreement. The small hum he had made was almost fully drowned out by the surrounding noise.

As was standard routine at every new party, the two friends began scouting the entire house. A couple of rooms were locked, probably for good reason. But the majority were open for anyone to enter. That included a game room which had been set up for Dance Dance Revolution matches. The basement was the unmatched main attraction though, as it was home of a self-serve bar for drinks and a karaoke station not too far away.

Every room they entered had Darnell skip his eyes over the people around. Needless to say, he was hoping to see a certain blonde at the party. Though, admittedly, he did not know what he would do if they were to actually show up.

Pico and Darnell soon headed back for the basement, shuffling past people on the crowded set of stairs. That did not stop the redhead though as he grinned from ear to ear at his friend. “This is looking good! I’m excited to see where this goes.”

“You sure do,” Darnell laughed. “So, any plans on how we start this off?”

“Probably grab some drinks and chat up some folks. I saw a few of my teammates, so you could tag along if you got nothing else planned for now.”

Darnell nodded and accepted the offer. Though he had seen a couple of other students from his courses, he did not really want to seek out conversation with any of them. He hardly knew them, so he had no good conversation starters other than complaining about the essay. Maybe later, when everyone has gotten a bit more tipsy and did not care about an awkward approach for a chat. But not yet. Going with Pico was currently the best idea to avoid the moments of stiffly standing alone to the side and just watch others having fun.

Pico introduced his teammates one by one to Darnell. He could somewhat recognize a handful of the guys. He had seen them around the campus, carrying either their sports bag or even just a basketball from one lecture to the other. It always made him wonder whether they would go to practice right after, or if they just wanted to show off being on the basketball team whenever their jerseys were in the laundry. And although Darnell had not many shared interests with most of the group, he still managed to have a decent conversation with them all.

Time was passing quicker than expected. Before anyone knew it, the colorful lights were the only thing illuminating the entire house. So much for the days starting to get shorter. But the party was far from dying out. If anything, more people started coming in for a bit of fun and drinks.

The evening was coming along well. No fights had broken out so far, nothing gross got to kill the mood yet. Though, for a split moment, Darnell thought that something bad was about to go down, hearing sudden bellows coming from upstairs.

“EYO WHAT’S UP MY MAN!!”

His eyes were fixated on the staircase for a moment to watch if anything would happen. But nobody seemed to care except for him and Pico. It must have been a normal occurrence, Darnell told himself to turn back to his group. People kept on pushing themselves through the sea of other people to get to or away from the basement bar. Some stayed at the sight of the karaoke machine and served Pico and his friends a good laugh over their drunken performances. The surrounding noise of music playing and loud talking had become normal to Darnell’s ears over time. And yet, he noticed a familiar voice shouting into the main room, “I’ll grab us some drinks. Dontcha dare run off!” It was no louder than most of the other noise around him, but it still stood out to him like nothing else.

Darnell looked over to see Rika, laughing as she made her way over to the bar. She was dressed in a white crop top and blue tartan button up hanging down openly, letting her necklace glimmer in the lights around her. Darnell thought she would be back upstairs without even looking in his general direction. But he knew better when Rika’s head perked up before she made a sudden turn away from the bar. She walked straight up to him, her hand reaching out to squeeze his arm.

“Darnell! Didn’t know you came to parties here too,” she beamed at him despite the odd looks Pico and his mates gave them both.

“Ah, well, it’s my first one here,” Darnell explained with an almost flustered shrug.

“You’re not busy here right now, right?” Rika did not hesitate to ask, getting straight to the point as always. He answered her quickly by shaking his head. “Good, then you’re my designated drink carrier now!” Her other hand then moved to also hold onto Darnell before dragging him along to the bar. She quickly put his own drink aside to then shove two different red cups in his hands and picked up two more herself, then nodded her head towards the stairs. At this point, he was in too deep not to follow along. Darnell just gave a small shrug towards his redhead friend to answer the amused, questioning look.

After shuffling carefully upstairs was Darnell back in the main room. The house had filled up significantly more since he had first arrived. Though, the crowd still managed to somewhat evenly distribute itself around the area. And not too far from the basement door was a small group, a diverse mix of people chatting amongst each other and laughing without a care in the world. Pretty much all were dressed in a similar casual style, some wore a simple shirt and jeans combo similar to that of Rika, maybe some accessories to add a bit more detail into it all. But even in the bad lighting could Darnell recognize the deep blue of one of the shirts.

It was a sports jersey. And not just any, but that of the university's very own football team, Sherrington Bullet Sharks. He saw that shirt quite a lot, including the number and name printed on the back of it, ‘21 Ashton’.

Darnell felt his chest burning as CJ shot him a brief glance before recognizing and fully turning their head for a proper look. Their lips quickly curled into a wide grin and their hand came up to wave. He wanted to wave back, but just the slightest twitch of his muscles reminded Darnell that he was still holding drinks in his hands, leaving him to just nod his head at them.

“Hey Nells!” CJ greeted him. “Didn’t know you’d be here tonight. 'specially with how seriously you take that essay thing.”

Darnell laughed a little, hoping he did not make himself sound too awkward. “Yeah, my roomie dragged me here.” He handed out the drinks he helped carry as he spoke. “Like, I love a good party. But I was a bit.. too deep in work mode.”

“Ah yes, I know the feeling. Maybe I gotta take you to a few more of these parties then, get you to relax some more!” Their free hand came to rest on Darnell’s back and rub between his shoulder blades.

CJ was a very touchy person. At every visit, Darnell would get pulled into a hug. Any invitation or offer was accompanied by a loving squeeze of his shoulder. And a good joke earned Darnell a light jab to his upper arm. But even with all this established closeness, he still could feel the butterflies waking up to fly around in his stomach.

“Yeah. Sounds great, I really need a break every now and then,” he accepted the offer with a shy smile. Darnell’s gaze lingered on CJ for a little longer, until one of their apparent friends nudged their side for attention.

“Are we gonna get to know your new buddy now?” The other person gestured towards Darnell with the cup in her hand. CJ laughed bashfully.

“Right, sorry.” CJ apologized and finally introduced their friend group to Darnell. “You already know Rika. And these two are Sunghee and Egeith.”

Frankly, Darnell was not sure what exact type of friends he was expecting CJ to have. But certainly something closer to Rika, with her red dye ombré hair and often extra way of style. However, he was met with two very ordinary, if not nerdy looking people instead. Natural hair in a ponytail or short haircut, no flashy clothes or even just a shirt with some witty line printed on the front. These people were the definition of straight A student poster children. And yet, they were at this party.

Darnell greeted both with a polite wave. "Hey, 'm Darnell."

Egeith and Sunghee gave him the same gesture in response with a light smile. “Nice to meet ya.”

Darnell looked around the group briefly, hoping to find something to talk about. Rika had seemingly disappeared after giving out the drink to Sunghee, and CJ was standing somewhat in the middle as if they were acting as a mediator.

“So.. y’all got here just now or..?” Darnell was desperate to break the silence amongst the group.

All three nodded their heads. “Pretty much, yeah,” CJ answered. “Had to get ready first ‘n all. But it’s not that big a deal to come here when the party’s already been goin’ for a while. There’s not much to miss out on.”

“Yeah, that’s true,” Darnell agreed in a small chuckle. He looked around again, this time more focused on the room than the small gathering of friends. “I s’pose you wanna go around and say hi to some folks here?”

CJ’s expression briefly changed to a wide eyed, somewhat clueless face as they hesitated to answer. “Uhm, yeah. Right! Didn’t get to that yet.”

“A’ight, not gonna keep ya from it then.”

“Sure, sure. I’ll see you around then!”

“Can’t miss me. ‘m downstairs near the drinks.” Darnell offered a quick smile. CJ acknowledged his words with a nod and waved as they began shuffling through the crowded room with Egeith and Sunghee. He watched the group leave for another moment before making a quick u-turn back downstairs to Pico.

Darnell pushed himself past increasingly drunk people to reach the redhead. “Damn, you look fucked,” Pico commented at the sight of his friend. “The fuck have you been doing?”

Darnell scrambled for words to say. “I was- I- Rika made me-” The laughter he heard after his first attempt made him remember that almost half the basketball team, near strangers were still close by and listening. He stood straight, clearing his throat as if that would help with his nervousness. “You-know-who is here.”

“Naww, someone got a crush?” One of the players asked. He swung the red solo cup in his hand in Darnell’s direction as he laughed.

“Who’s the lucky lady?” Another one asked straight away.

Pico did not need Darnell to say something. The just barely hidden annoyed face he made was enough for the redhead to understand. Now was really not the time he would want to explain to a bunch of drunks that bi people existed.

Darnell closed his eyes and took a slow breath. But instead of taking the hint, the team only continued to push on with their questions.

“C’mon! If you like ‘er, go out and talk ‘er up!”

“Yeah, don’ waste yer time with us here!”

Darnell pinched the bridge of his nose between his fingers in frustration. “How the fuck do you imagine it to go down then? I just approach and fail to keep up a good convo for five minutes, if I’m lucky?”

“‘f course not! Y’gotta ask her ‘bout shit she likes, obviously!”

“And if ‘t goes nowhere, y’gonna see whether she likes you ‘r not. It’s ‘bout if she starts talkin’ herself or just leaves ya.”

Darnell glanced over to Pico again. His face was equally surprised. They had expected a lot, but not genuine and sort of useful advice. Perhaps, Darnell would thank the team for the help some day, when everyone was sober again. But surely not now. As much as he may have appreciated the help, Darnell was not going to find out whether they were the clingy type of drunks. “A’ight, imma keep this in mind.”

The guys grinned as if they were proud of themselves. Perhaps, this was their way of telling people they were ‘womanizers’, since they seemed to ‘understand the girls and what they want’.

Darnell did not spare them much more of his thoughts though. Even over the noisy mix of chatter and music, a voice stood out to him once more. He turned his head to see how CJ was trying to make their way into the basement, apologizing on their way for bumping into people. And once they had safely reached the lower floor, CJ briefly scanned the area before their eyes met with Darnell’s. The soft smile on their lips quickly turned into an excited grin, and his eyes grew wide before trying to hide his adoration with a flustered smile.

They both slipped past the other people in the room to stand in front of each other again. “Hi.” Darnell felt his heart skip a beat as the two spoke in unison. He laughed along with CJ over it.

“Glad to find you here,” CJ said.

“Oh- wait, really?”

CJ paused for a moment, only now seemingly realizing what they had said. “.. yeah! My friends are kinda inseparable from the dance thing upstairs right now. And I just.. didn’t feel like joining in.”

“Makes sense. So you were looking to spend time with me then?” Darnell hated himself for asking this question. But he was too curious as not to ask anyway.

“Exactly,” CJ answered, their grin lighting up briefly again. “I mean, I don’t wanna tear you away from your friends of course, if you’re-”

“Oh! No no, I’m not really..” Darnell took a quick look back at Pico and his teammates before turning back. “Yeah, nah. I’m very much free.”

“Great!” CJ’s chime had Darnell’s heart fluttering inside his chest. “Then I’ll just grab a drink before we go. ‘Cause.. this place is getting a bit too full for me.”

“Sure thing. Any ideas where to go instead?” Darnell asked while CJ quickly poured themself something from the bar into their cup.

“I was thinking outside. Get away from all the noise for a lil’ while.”

He nodded in agreement to the idea and received an amused grin in return. Before he knew it had CJ hooked into his arm, dragging him through the mass of people and out the front door.

The streetlamps were already illuminating the neighborhood and dozens of cars parked near the house. Only when the two finally stood outside noticed Darnell how much he actually needed this break. Hearing the laughter and loud, overlapping music become muffled made him feel much less on edge again. CJ seemed to share that feeling based on the change to their look. They were still smiling. But it was less strained, more genuine.

CJ let out a small hum and nodded their head to the side. That was the only warning Darnell got before being dragged further away from the noise and hectic. The two passed a bunch of smokers huddling together for a chat and other folks that were out for a break as well, until they found a good spot nearby to sit down in the grass.

Darnell looked over at CJ. He could feel his heartbeat all the way up in his throat, and he was unsure whether it was the nervousness or the alcohol that made his palms sweaty and his body heat up. All while the blonde sat there silently with their eyes still on the house they had just left.

“So, Egeith and Sunghee..” Darnell mumbled eventually. He did not know himself where he planned on going with that opener, let alone if he actually should start a conversation.

CJ seemed to catch on regardless, chortling and nodding in response. “Trust me, you’re not the first one to be surprised. But once you see them on stage, you’ll understand the type of person the two are.”

“Woah, wait- they’re in your band?”

“Yeah. Sunghee does second guitar, and Egeith the drums.”

Darnell took a moment to process the image this had prompted in his head. “These goody two-shoes? Nah, no chance. I can see it in Rika, and you kinda too. But them?” He shook his head and grinned.

“You kinda see it in me?” CJ could barely hold back their laughter throughout the sentence. “Please tell me, what does Rika have that I lack about looking like I’m in a band. Enlighten me!”

“I dunno! She just gives off that vibe, the ‘Don’t care, didn’t ask’. But you..” Darnell vaguely gestured up and down on CJ as he looked at them. “.. you are just giving too much frat boy. The hair helps a bit with breaking that, but the whole football thing really isn’t doing you a favour.”

The look he received scared Darnell for a moment. He genuinely thought that his words had sounded a bit too serious, that CJ was offended and now he had lost any bit of a chance of getting with them ever. Then that silly, toothy grin spread across their face as CJ began to laugh. "I’m sorry, Mister Teacher. I’ll make sure to look more ‘punk rock’ in the future.”

Darnell tutted, rolling his eyes. “It’s Mister Hodge. You should be able to remember it by now, with all the lectures we had together.”

CJ raised a brow at him. “As if I remember everyone’s name in our course. I rather use my brain power for more important business.”

“Right, you got other things to care about. Stuff like your music, or working out to tackle people for some pigskin.”

“Don’t be so high and mighty now.” CJ glanced over at the other, a subtle smile showing they knew not to take the banter seriously. “You got other business too, like… your family.”

Darnell figured that CJ had only brought it up for a lack of knowledge on his interests. And yet, he still was surprised by the accuracy of their guess. “I mean, yeah. Sorta. My mom just got a bit too much time on her hands, so she likes to check on me.. a lot. And to be honest, I don’t complain about all the good food she sends me.”

“Who could ever complain about free food?”

“I know. But it’s not just free, it’s homemade. You haven’t had a real feast unless you put yourself in a food coma during hanukkah.”

“Not sure if I should feel weird now or ask to be invited next time,” CJ said half jokingly, and Darnell chuckled along.

“As long as you’re free the whole day, I could definitely arrange an invite.”

“Alright. I’ll be looking forward to it then. But I’d like a small crash course first on what to do and to not do.”

Darnell just had to agree to that. How couldn’t he? It was perfect, not only inviting CJ to celebrate an important holiday together, but also having a new excuse to meet up more. He wanted to pinch himself for a moment, thinking this was too good to be true. But it did not take long for Darnell to be brought back to his senses.

Just as their conversation had ended in a comfortable silence came another partygoer out of the house’s backdoor. She stumbled her way across the porch before catching her own fall on the railing. It was seemingly a miracle already how she had managed to get out of that full place on her feet and not crawling on all fours.

CJ briefly shot a concerned glance at Darnell. They opened their mouth as if to say something, but were quickly cut off by the woman herself. She was leaning forward and retched horribly until she puked down into the bushes below.

“Yikes..” Darnell muttered. He was already holding his hand before his mouth and nose, wanting to keep the smell away from himself.

CJ cleared their throat as they pulled their eyes off the sight in an almost reluctant manner. The situation felt just like witnessing a car crash. Horrible and disgusting, but still making it impossible to look away. “Guess this means the party peak has been reached,” they chuckled hesitantly to lighten the mood.

Darnell nodded with an equally awkward smile. “I guess there’s not much more for me left to see here then. Not exactly a fan of.. that, after all.”

After CJ had stood up themself was Darnell offered their hand for help. “Did you at least enjoy the party a bit?” they asked him on their way back to the front of the house.

“.. yeah, I’d say I did,” Darnell answered. “Had some drinks, a few chats.. I guess I’m not that insane type of party guy as I used to be in my hometown.”

CJ laughed softly. “I didn’t know you were once like that.”

Darnell grinned at the other as they both stopped at the front door. “I guess we both don’t really look our part.”

“Touché.”

Looking inside, Darnell caught a glimpse of what looked like Pico pushing through the crowd towards the exit. He chose to stay waiting outside, while CJ seemed to be heading back into the noise and chaos.

“You’re gonna stay a while longer?” he asked.

“Yeah, but not that much probably. Just gonna keep an eye on my friends and bring them back to campus before anyone overdoes it.”

“Good luck then,” Darnell saluted CJ. “I’ll see you on Monday, soldier.”

CJ grinned and saluted him in return. “‘Til Monday,” they replied and slid past Pico to go back inside.

The redhead looked after them for another moment before giving Darnell a confused stare. “Is- are they insane?”

“Don’t think so,” he answered and shrugged. “Where’s the rest of your gang?”

“They discovered the beer pong setup, so I thought it was about time we’d bounce.”

“Perfect. I am ready to hit the bed.”

Pico scoffed. “You’re getting old. Seriously.” He put his arm on Darnell’s shoulder as they walked off the property and on their way back to campus.

“Careful there, kettle. You’re walking back with me.”

“I don’t think the saying works when I’m a white piece of paper, Nells.”

Pico was silent for the rest of the walk. He sometimes forgot how harshly Darnell could hit his shoulder over his stupid attempts at making jokes.

#cj #darnell #pico #across the campus #chapter six #alternate universe #non trauma au #rika #egeith #sunghee #it took an eternity to write #so excuse any mistakes #i read the whole chapter as beta once

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jupiterslibrary · 2 months

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thinking about the second coming and the jesus/judas parallels...

you're the nice one. here's your friend. best friend even. and you love him even as you worry you're doomed. and now they're here to take you away. he comes up to you. he kisses you. its a kiss that condemns you but nevertheless you forgive him. you give up everything for humanity. and you do it all with a smile! you turn the other cheek!

you're the evil one. you have to do the dirty work so heaven doesn't have blood on its hands. maybe one day humanity will be grateful to you for what you gave them but for now it's a thankless job. you never wanted any of this but here's your part in the great plan. here's your friend. best friend even. you kiss him. they take him away and you are alone.

#good omens #good omens meta #my writing #to clarify i dont think anything crowley did was a betrayal #but i do think aziraphale took it as such #its like. i offered you eternity and safety and happiness. i thought itd be enough. arent i enough? must you betray me with a kiss?#hope my parents are proud of me. all those years of teaching me christianity and all that came out of it is good omens speculation

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auntieclimactic · 9 months

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HOLY SHIT, I WROTE A THING

Working Title: Eternal Sunshine of the Demonic Mind

Crowley opened eyes that he didn’t remember closing only to be greeted by the floating head of the Antichrist.

“Adam,” Crowley tried, but his voice scraped against the inside of his throat, making him cough. The head of the child currently known as Adam and formerly known as the Antichrist blinked down at him.

Down at him? Ah, yes. Crowley was flat on his back. And Adam Young née the Adversary, Destroyer of Kings, Angel of the Bottomless Pit, Great Beast that is called Dragon, Prince of This World, Father of Lies, Spawn of Satan, and Lord of Darkness wasn’t a head suspended in a blue void. He was a fifteen-year-old boy, body firmly attached, kneeling over Crowley with a twitchy expression on his face. The blue void was no void at all but the sky, which Crowley was staring up at as he was still on his back.

“Nyg,” Crowley croaked out.

Adam’s face lit up. “Oh good. For a second, I thought I’d done it wrong and scrambled your brains or something.”

Crowley tried to commend his body into standing position—sitting even!—and quickly gave it up as a lost cause. Maybe he should try to get his eyes to uncross first.

“What,” Crowley enunciated carefully, “did you. Do to. Me?”

“You asked!” Adam whined in that mortally offended way that only teenage humans were capable of.

“What—” Crowley tried again only to have an envelope shoved in his face. His vision wobbled a bit as his eyes crossed, uncrossed, and refocused. On the envelope, written in his handwriting and in a language no being currently on Earth was familiar with, was his name.

It took Crowley a bit of wriggling and, ultimately, Adam’s assistance, which shall never be spoken of again, to sit upright.

Inside the envelope was a letter. On that letter, was his irritated scrawl, which read:

Hello Crowley,

By the time we’re reading this, it will be done. Hopefully, Adam didn’t cock things up too much, but our options were limited and he owes us for the whole Apocalyptic Intervention nonsense. There are three things we need to know:

We asked for Adam to wipe a Certain Individual, who shall not be named, from our memories

We are better off without memories of said Individual.

Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES are you to ask Adam to reverse the process. Trust me, er, trust us, I suppose.

Of course there are minor stipulations, but no need to concern yourself with those now. The keys to the Bentley are in your pocket. Don’t forget to yell at the plants.

Yours in damnation,

Crowley

Crowley looked over at Adam. Adam grinned widely and gave him two enthusiastic thumbs up. Staring down at the letter, Crowley tried to make sense of it.

Certain Individual, the letter said. What Certain Individual? Crowley didn’t know any Certain Individual. Well. There was the Upstairs Individual and the Downstairs Individual and the Individual formerly known as the Adversary, Destroyer of Kings, Angel of the Bottomless Pit, Great Beast that is called Dragon, Prince of This World, Father of Lies, Spawn of Satan, and Lord of Darkness. But knew about them, so they couldn’t be the Certain Individual.

Frowning at the letter, Crowley did a quick skim through his memory. No glaring holes. No jagged blanks. Just him and 6,000 years of stirring up trouble—minus the 14th Century, of course—and some minor recurring Heavenly nuances whose names were barely worth remembering, but nothing else.

Whomever this Certain Individual was, Crowley decided, tucking the letter in his pocket, they must not have been very important.

#listen. what if I took Good Omens #and plot devices from Eternal Sunshine on a Spotless Mind #and Harrow the Ninth #and mashed them together like a child playing with play-doh #WOULDN'T THAT BE FUN?!#Auntie C's fic #It feels good to be writing again #fic in progress... maybe... no promises

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eruanee · 6 months

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Kiryuu Touga and the cyclical narrative

TW : Discussions of misogyny, emotional manipulation and abuse, sexual abuse and (sexual) child abuse. (Very vague) mention of incest.

First of all, not really as a disclaimer but more as a recommendation, a lot of my thoughts about Touga are shaped by this essay, which is definitely easily one of my favorite pieces of Utena meta. I think I'm going to implicitly or more explicitly reference it sometimes, but you don't need to read it to understand this post.

I have a complex relationship with Touga. He is despicable, yet the more I watch the series, the more I find myself... fascinated by him. This post is a pretty much a synthesis of all these thoughts.

On a purely narrative level, Touga's role is a bit special. He's the antagonist of the first arc. The three duels involving him are all turning points in the series. He's a core character in the development of several other characters (Saionji, Nanami, Utena and Miki on a different level).

Yet, turns out he's only a puppet, just as everyone else is. How surprising. And when it comes down to it, what do we know about Touga ?

He's the Student Council's president. He seemingly can't have a relationship with anyone without manipulating them to his advantage. He sleeps with any girl (and maybe not only girls) who breathe around him in a 1 ft radius. His way of coping with depression is to seal himself in a wide and totally empty room to listen to his own voice on repeat to ponder heavily on his broken hopes and ideals. (Hmm. Hardcore.)

And more importantly, he wants power. A power that would be absolute. But why so ?

And this is the point where it gets complicated.

Touga is barely the main topic of episodes focused on him. He is the center of many obsessions and interests, but it seems we never touch upon him as a person. He can be seen being vaguely vulnerable in eps 11 and 12 and then there's the whole Black Rose arc thing. But where does all this mess steam from ?

Victim status

Eps 35 and 36 are the one going deeper into Touga’s character and yet... we’re barely sure of what’s actually going on in his brain. These episodes always give me a weird feeling because we don’t really get to see Touga express his feelings very clearly or freely... We barely get to hear his thoughts.

Just like Anthy.

Don’t make me say what I didn’t say, though. Touga gets to have way more agency than ever does Anthy, and he certainly doesn't endure the same dehumanization as she does. Anthy does have agency in a way. But she expresses it in hidden, implicit ways : playing tricks, hitting people in their sore spots, sarcasm, empty eyes and fake smiles. She’s manipulative and Touga is, too. These two share many similarities, though they can’t completely blend with each other, of course.

We don’t know much about Touga’s childhood. We know he and Nanami were adopted (or “sold”) to the Kiryuu family at a young age. That’s basically it in the canon of the series. Though, Touga’s backstory in the movie, showing him being sexually abused by his adoptive father, was apparently meant to be included in the series as well :

Although the TV series touched upon Touga’s younger days, the film goes into more details – the wound of Touga that was never directly depicted. In his younger days, Touga was a normal kid who enjoyed happy times with his friend Saionji Kyouichi and his younger sister Nanami. However, he came to know his unfortunate fate from the time he was ordered by his parents to wear his hair long. His parents sold him to the Kiryuu family. Although he was an adopted son on the surface, the instinctive Touga knew what that meant. And in order to protect his younger sister, he accepted his lot. Being sold. We did not go into depicting what Touga’s parents obtained by going as far as selling their son. We would like you to think of it as a kind of metaphor.

And Touga accepted in silence the sexual abuse from his new parents. His personality changed while he made a magnanimous show of enjoying the abuses in order to prevent his personality from splitting. The change took place in a spot so deep in his mind, that even those closest to him did not notice. Saionji and Nanami never noticed out of their innocence. And Touga never told his secret to anyone. It is said that a human being gains whatever he lost in exchange. So what did Touga gain in exchange at that point in time? It was the sense of alienation from being abused every night and seeing his innocent friend and sister during the day. The alienated self.

(Extract of a comment Enokido, one of the writers who worked on Utena, wrote about Touga’s role in the Utena movie.)

Of course, you could argue whether or not the sexual abuse is canon or not in the series. After all, the series and the movie don’t seem to take place in the same canon (even though it is hard to completely disconnect the two). Whatever you choose to believe, I personally think it all makes so much sense.

It makes sense regarding Touga’s general behavior in the series (but this is more touched upon in the essay I linked above) and it makes his goal and his narrative role much clearer.

Being sold like a mere object, knowing a much harsher truth about life Saionji and Nanami don’t know about, showing everyone a stronger facade in order to not completely lose your mind and keep protecting your friend and your sister from this reality and eventually... letting them know in a painfully gendered way, perpetuating everything this system has forced on you.

It has all become part of you.

Keeping the cycle of violence going became part of your blood and flesh. Making clear who is supposed to inflict pain and who is supposed to receive it. Who is supposed to protect and who is supposed to be protected. Who is supposed to act and who is supposed to wait.

And you ? No, you’re never supposed to hurt anymore. You want a way out of this. For you, the easiest way is to simply reclaim the place that was always prepared for you to take.

When Touga and Saionji found Utena in her coffin, it feels like Touga knew something Saionji didn’t. Saionji felt it too, but he wasn’t able to recognize what it was. After all, he was still a child. Touga knew about the same thing Utena learned with her parents’ death : they both had a glimpse of what the “adult world” (Akio’s world) actually looks like, shattering their juvenile knowledge of the world.

A world where people die. A world where the weak lose. A world where the prince should protect the princess.

Touga already had a coffin. Utena just found hers and was about to find a new one. Saionji was just finding his.

It all makes sense regarding how obedient Touga is to Akio and why he seeks his validation, his desire to go up in the hierarchy aside. It makes sense because he is “alienated”. Touga got deprived of everything, he knows the burden of being alive and he’s learned, from his early childhood, to be compliant.

He seems independent during the Student Council arc and a majority of the series, but eps 35 and 36 show he is not the mastermind of it all. He has a privileged position but unlike some other characters, Touga never uses his agency to try to break out of the system ─ he follows its rules and tries to reinforce his dominance.

Why would you break out from a system serving you so well ?

“I want to become like him. I want power like his.”

Touga is alienated to the system and his only goal is to become what it expects of him. After all, why wouldn’t he ? Being a prince is the best position offered by the system. Being a prince means acquiring an absolute power. With such power, one doesn’t die and is forever out of reach and harm and pain. Who wouldn’t want such a thing ?

The prince never saves the princess out of selflessness. He saves her because it gives him a reward in exchange. He saves her because it gives him power and control over her and ultimately, everyone else. And so, the princess becomes a "toy" wannabe princes has to win, to conquer.

Does Touga, even during what seems to be his most “sincere” moment in ep 36, ever wish to protect Utena for something else than possessing her ? When could have he learned to know and appreciate her as a person, rather than a princess ? A reward to conquer ?

When did he stop wishing he could’ve saved Utena just like Akio did ? I believe he might be genuine, yet he acts toward Utena exactly like she acts toward Anthy. He wants to save her for his own sake, regardless of her personal hopes and desires.

It’s truly sad, though. Because all of it is nothing but a childish dream. There was never once a prince in this world. Only boring and abusive adults.

“Are you really happy with that?”

Well, when it comes down to it, probably not. But was it ever about happiness ? Probably not either. The pursuit of power only ever leads to isolation, to a complete lack of meaning ─ after all, friendship is a fool’s thing. No one can reach what’s behind the facade.

Saionji was able to confront Touga with his own lies and paradoxes, get as close to his real self anyone probably could. But it wasn’t enough. Saionji himself didn’t go as far as leaving the system entirely, even when it seemed he had cracked it all. Touga sort of did, too.

As far as I’m concerned, we only heard his own, deep thoughts once.

“Kiryuu Touga, the playboy Student Council President... Is it? "Playboy" sounds old-fashioned.”

Touga weaponized himself. He weaponized his body (sex is only a tool to aim for power). He weaponized his heart (relationships only matter if you use them to your advantage. Those who believe in love and friendship are fools and will be ultimately be used to someone else’s advantage). And for what ?

I really like the symbolism of the poppy flower in ep 35. I feel like it symbolizes Akio’s power, in a way. I’m incredibly bad when it comes to the language of flowers (so everyone is free to correct me) but please bear with me. In the East, red poppy flowers apparently symbolize romantic love and success (what it probably means for the girl confessing to Touga, as well as Akio when he “eats” it in this scene, since Touga and him are talking about Utena) but it can also symbolize “luxurious pleasures and fantastic extravagance”. In the Japanese language of flowers, red poppies can also symbolize someone “fun-loving”. I feel like both of these work with Akio and I believe that for Touga, they are a symbol of luxury and extravagance.

Yet another girl confessed to him. Without even thinking about it, he kissed her. He will never read her confession letter, he probably didn’t even notice it. He will probably simply leave it on the floor, without a care. This pursuit of power isn’t even fulfilling to him, there’s absolutely no thought behind it. Only automatic actions, behaviors working in favor of someone else’s greater scheme. He won’t even get to actually possess Utena.

He will never get what he truly wants. Is there even anything that he truly wants ? Saionji, maybe. In the meantime, he’s just a tool for a system. A system made up by boring adults, based on lies, illusions and unachievable dreams.

Touga is condemned to go in cycles. He’s given everything to overcome what keeps him stuck and trapped, but it doesn’t do anything. He can only revolve around his own coffin, completing the same circle, again and again.

He doesn’t know how to do anything else.

It will never make anything he’s done forgivable. But at least, maybe one day, he’ll realize. Or maybe never.

We can always create new roads, leading to worlds completely unknown to us, where everything needs to be built. Anthy and Utena are here to show the way, who deserves to follow these new roads is only up to you.

On a purely personal standpoint... I was never really able to answer this question.

“No. It's not over until we see it through the very end.”

#this took an eternity (lol) to get done. welp.#i started this in *checks notes* february 2022 #the original ramble post that gave birth to this post is way older than this #i felt like this was. too obvious or whatever. but i wanted to finish it for myself ig #posting mediocre meta in order to cope !#does this post make me a touga enjoyer ?? idk. i kinda hate him still #hate him so much i wrote an entire post about him. ahah. im a fool #ive just seen the 'it's because i'm a feminist' screenshot and i genuinely felt like deleting this entire post. he is a clown. i am CLOWN #at this point i should write meta about the movie someday. i should #this post is just a long explanation of the 'touga ; anthy and utena function as a triangle. the triforce of abuse if you will' idea #utena meta #shoujo kakumei utena #revolutionary girl utena #sku #rgu #touga kiryuu #kiryuu touga #er.txt

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vicsbasement · 3 months

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can't wait to soar (charlos, model!actor au)

chapter 1 - something we can build

chapter 2 - hey i'm just like you (a little messed up and blue)

chapter 3 - we could be so good

chapter 4 - a wandering heart

Charles didn’t cook, as Carlos would soon discover.

#charlos #I took an eternity with this one because I forgot to post it on here basically #I had a weird week and I updated this on like Sunday or something and then stuff kept piling up and I kept putting this off #I got a comment last night and went oh mother of jesus I forgot about posting this on tumblr #so!#now with an updated chapter limit let's see if author can keep that or will author go off another tangent and ends up writing so much more #and by author I mean my own wandering brain that keeps coming up with ideas and things I can do either with this fic or another one idk #can't wait to soar #my stuff #my fic #my fic writing

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esha-isboogara · 2 years

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nsfw headcanons w/ druig

lemme just say i have been obsessed barry keoghan over the past few months. he was so fine in eternals like gah damn.

♡another character who’s his own warning,dark! druig ??, he’s a possessive asshole

✿let’s be honest druig has seen some kinky shit throughout his thousands of years existing. and he just can’t wait to try them out on you

✿where do i even begin ? for starters he loves LOVES having an obedient toy who he can play with whenever he wants. he doesn’t even need use his powers. he knows he can use you as much as he wants and you’ll stay by his side.

✿aside from the obedience part he loves having something-someone to own. he’ll cover you in bruises and love bites just in case anyone got any ideas. you belonged to him. of course you have a necklace with his initial and a scar on your left thigh from when he carved his name into your thigh. there’s no escaping.

✿druig is veer irritable so it doesn’t take much to get him in a mood. punishments with him tend to vary from spankings to being tied up and forced to watch him finish himself off. he always rewards you afterwards though if you took it like a good girl. he’s a bitch but he’s fair.

✿he learns a lot from humans so naturally he wants to test out what he learned on you. when he found out about porn ? oh my god - the things he learned drew you to tears multiple times. your body was pushed to the absolute fucking limit but it was worth it.

✿he doesn’t like to be called daddy or sir, my lord sounds so much better to him. he wants to be a god in your eyes.

✿druig doesn’t care who’s watching. he will happily make passionate love to you in a crowd of people if he so feels like it. he wants every mortal to know who’s property this is. he is their god and they should bow down to him.

✿he’s a mean/rough dom. most of the time he doesn’t much care about your orgasm he’d rather chase his own. he’s selfish. he has the stamina of 10 men so you’re lucky you get to cum once or twice or five times m.

✿spit kink!!! there’s not much more to add to this. if he tells you to open your mouth you better stick out your tongue and eagerly await your gift.

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crazy-lazy-elder-sims · 7 months

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Im not sure if im in a euphoric phase that will go away or im actually happy but im happy im slowly being creative again and i can't believe i almost gave up being a creative person completely and give into becoming a person that lives to work a job they dont like forever a couple of days ago

#iwas really down in the slumps #felt hopless that i cant bring myself to do art cause its not good despite it being my hobby for over 10 years #completely discouraged that the abuse i went through took away my time i could have spent on it depressed #felt like its too late for me since everyone els was already good #but genuinely having baldur's gate as a new thing i like has openes all this back up and i dont feel left behind anymore #im genuinely Motivated to draw and write its wonderful ❤️#another thing that helped was my bffs encouraging me to lower my expectations for myself as they were impossible then #i expected somthing out of my self that my skill level wasn't there yet #im eternally Grateful to that

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opens-up-4-nobody · 5 months

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...

#im so tired. i dont wanna work on writing assignments #i just wanna sleep forever. thats all. is that so much to ask?#possibly my tatto0 has become infected on the back of my upper arm. possibly bc i when i wake up at night #i am disoriented and itch it when i kno i shouldn't. ugh. possibly that's y im tired #an allergic reaction or an infection. its still raised in places like theres a wire under my skin #what shall i do abt this? perhaps nothing and hope it goes away. or wait for Monday and go to a doctor to b like lol wtf is wrong with this #but the thing abt me is ill convince myself that its all in my head. like i made this happen with my mind and there's nothing wrong but als #if i took medicine it wouldnt work either. its all in my head. bleh #im so tired. i dont wanna deal with this #unrelated #a curse upon me for trying to do something fun #mayhaps ill b itchy forever. eternal torment upon me

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loudmound · 3 months

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this excerpt from a doom eternal review is at the core of what i think made 2016's storytelling several steps above what eternal was trying to do and why i'm so pissed off at how disastrously they flew off the rails.

#stormy shouts #the review is called 'doom eternal is a dizzying catastrophe' if you want to read it for yourself #eternal's narrative suffers not only in part due to the crunch the devs were under #but also a severe lack of confidence in those that took up the helm of writing—because they don't consider themselves writers!#they don't understand what makes a story good #they just threw all the cool shit they liked at a wall and hoped that would be acceptable #and obviously... it wasn't #it's a story that refuses to take itself seriously while also demanding that you as the audience take it seriously #own your fucking ridiculousness and be earnest goddammit. campy shlock is not inherently a bloated fuckshow

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starry-eyed-extraterrestrial · 10 hours

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Does this count as apology seggs? I hope you like this @robinsnest2111 , Crue!slash/poly!Crue warning. This takes place in the Eternally universe btw!

“I'm sorry” four years ago Mick couldn't have hoped to hear those words fall from Nikki's lips but now those words are the only thing pouring out of his mouth in between kisses to the expanse of his exposed sternum and soft sucks to his nipples.

Mick looks down at Nikki through parts in his hair from where Nikki has boosted him up onto the barns walls. Nikki rotates back to sucking his pink nipples again making Mick throw his head back a bit like he was going to moan dramatically, but nothing but a soft sigh escapes him.

Nikki looks up from his soft sucking and smiles smugly up at him, satisfied in his pursuit of making Mick feel good, Mick can only blush and look away in embarrassment.

Instead of focusing on Nikki he decides to close his eyes and strictly focus on the feeling of Nikki's gentle licks and sucks and the feeling of his dick hardening to spare his face from both looking like a bloody murder scene and from having to have vivid flashbacks of this moment later at an inconvenient time.

Nikki doesn't seem to agree with that sentiment as he pulls away from the soft pink nubs and stops completely, until Mick peeks his eyes open again ever so slightly, then he attacks Mick's lips with an almost violent kiss, his tongue invading all of Mick's personal mouth space. Mick lets his eyes fall closed again but this time in pleasure.

He can feel Nikki rutting against his ass. And he moans for real this time, soft but very sultry.

“Well, well, well!” Nikki and Mick both snap their heads in the direction of the barn's wide open door (maybe they should have closed that), to find Tommy with crossed arms, dirty from a hard day's work on the farm and grinning even dirtier than he looked.

Nikki and Mick both blushed now, embarrassed at being caught making out and fondling each other like a couple of high schoolers. Tommy seems far too amused by their embarrassment and to their horror, or at least to Mick's horror, Nikki seemed to be getting into the idea again as his smile slowly starts to return,calls over his shoulder.

“Hey Vince I found ‘em!!!, they're in the barn getting it on!!”

They soon hear a deep laugh from somewhere further outside and a soft ‘yeah!, get some!’ in the distance.

“So while me and Vince work in the stables all day you and Mick fuck in the barn without us, that's not very nice you guys.” Tommy says, addressing them again, teasingly.

Nikki giggles and Mick goes to button up his open flannel shirt again in pure shame. When they were all alive, Mick had never been caught by any of the guys when he was fucking, but of course when you live on a small farm in the middle of two realities with nothing else to do but be with each other, and your all having sex, then the chances of getting caught are actually surprisingly high go figure.

“Not my fault you picked working in the stable with Vinny over feeding the animals with Mickey.” Nikki says to Tommy smugly over his shoulder, still keeping Mick tightly pinned to the wall, as the drummer comes steadily closer with his own devilish grin on his face.

“I'll never make that mistake again” Tommy says now well into their personal bubble, patting Nikki's back as they both now fix their gaze on Mick like he was some religious statue. Mick can only huff in pretend annoyance and blush.

“Well it's nice to know how you really feel Tom, there was nothing stopping you from fucking me in the stable ya know” Vince says joining the ensemble in the barn with a sneaky look and a far less dirty exterior then Tommy, so it was obvious who was actually doing the hard work.

Tommy laughs at that and waves Vince over to join them in the space invaders game. Nikki chuckles along to the snide remarks.

“Gentlemen, gentlemen ,come on now we're not here to fight, we're here in appreciation of our old man, focus on how pretty he looks pressed up against the wall like this and not on fights you'll surely have again in half an hour” Nikki says and everyone's focus shifts to Mick.

Mick feels his self consciousness rise from the dead like a zombie, he feels awkward and doesn't know what to say at all, so he just tries to avoid eye contact with them at all costs.

“Aw, he's all shy” Vince teases, cupping Mick's cheeks in an endearing way. Mick feels the need to bite his hand off for that comment but refrains as Nikki starts rutting up against him again and the pleasure makes him turn into mush again.

“Fuck Nik, keep doing that, look at ‘im” Tommy says, coming up to stand behind Nikki and kiss and cheekily lick the expanse of Nikki's open shoulder to his neck (Nikki had ditched his shirt long ago, he got shit on it so he had to).

Nikki hums, pleased by Tommy's ministrations, Tommy decided that right then would also be the perfect time to start rutting up against Nikki like Nikki was with Mick. Vince takes the opening when he sees it and leans up to start kissing Mick just like Nikki had before the guys had come to interrupt them. Vince just gripped himself through his pants as he didn't have anyone to jump against while still being able to make out with Mick.

It's all going well and feeling amazing when the universe suddenly decides to curse them, or more accurately, blue balls them.

Their alert bell on the farm goes off meaning it was time to patrol for any possible demons or skinwalkers. They all collectively groaned.

Mick let's out a whine that's so high pitched he thinks his dick might just fall off. The guys all look at him surprised but then, Nikki chuckled.

“Okay guys, let's finish this quick” Mick and the other guys are confused for a second until Nikki falls to his knees, still supporting Mick on the wall somehow and pulls Mick's ziper and pants down just enough to reveal his cock, then Nikki looks at the guys expectantly, and then it seems to click in their heads at the same time what's about to happen.

Vince and Tommy come to crouch in front of Mick too, and suddenly all their tongues are on him at once.

And for the first time today he moans at full volume.

They lick, suck and drool on his dick like it was their God given job to make him cum. And now that Mick thinks about it maybe that's why they weren't allowed in heaven, because their true purposes were too NSFW for the pearly gates.

It's all over as soon as Mick looks down to see all of them at work though, battling playfully for who got what part of his cock to suck and he's swiftly thrown over the edge by all of them looking up at him like the absolute whires they where.

“Fuck!” Mick moans as his semen sprays from his tip and into the waiting mouthes of his bandmates, most of it falling on Nikki's tongue as he was in the middle.

Mick closes his eyes and let's his orgasm wash over him like a tidal wave, and then he smiles softly, at peace with this life for once. That is until Nikki drops him to the floor and he falls to his knees instantly.

“Ow!” Mick groans at snaps his head up to where all the guys where standing now and glaring Nikki down.

“Sorry” Nikki says looking apologetic.

Suddenly he's aware of the position he's in, all the guys standing while he's on his knees, and their all unzipping their pants- oh shit.

The guys are then all jerking off near his face and he feels his face flush but…he wants to satisfy them too, prove that he's not a selfish lover, but there is no way that three cocks are fitting in his mouth at the same time (he can barely take Tommy's alone) so he just looks up at them and opens his mouth letting his tongue lull out like a landing site.

Which it soon becames in quick succession, aswell as his face, hair and unfortunately eye, he's quick enough to close it though.

He must look a wreck with everyone's cum sneered on his face but he doesn't care in that moment.

They need to go quick, and he knows this will likely become an argument later when their rushing to get everything checked but for now they enjoy the afterglow.

#my fic #crue!slash #poly!crue #this took alot less time then i thought it would #maybe writing them fucking in a barn is my natural state of being #please don't quote me on that #almost made me late but i don't care #eternally

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