#its 'i know who i am -> no the fuck i didnt thats what other people either wanted out of me / convinced me to do. fuck that'

[toastsnaffler]

in a hilarious turn of events my flatmate didn't even know I use any pronouns....

#i thought when she was talking abt how her parents thought i was gonna come out as trans and kept checking my name/pronouns- #that the joke was that im ALREADY trans but in ways they dont know abt.... but nope she genuinely didnt know 🤭 #to be fair. i dont rly let anyone in on my gender business unless we're close enough to be dating or its an anonymous online space #like im legally cis and thats fine. idc abt ppl using my name + she/her bc thats not my gender identity its just AN identity that i use- #to navigate the world without ppl being fucking nosy bc i pass as + am sociopolitically treated as a woman (if butch lol) #to ppl who are friends ill joke that my gender is dyke (true) and to friends whose gender falls on a similar spectrum- #or who are transmasc ill talk a little more honestly abt it bc theyre usually able to understand better than anyone else #other butch dykes w a weird gender going on are the only motherfuckers who actually Get It but theyre hard to come by tbh #to be frank i dont fucking know whats going on w my gender. and i dont rly care enough to do the introspection to figure it out rn #i have so many other problems in my life and im lucky that most of my beef w gender can be solved by presenting butch + binding #and using any pronouns around other queer ppl. its actually incredibly funny to me when ppl she/her me bc its like tch. this chump hasnt #unlocked my level of gender yet. pronouns and names in general are so far disconnected from the way i exist in the world... #its just smth thats fun for me to play around with + makes me feel weird sometimes but in ways i havent distilled yet yknow #and this has been my approach to gender for like?? 4-5 years now??? and likely will continue to be for a long while.. #anyway. its not actually that surprising my flatmate doesnt know bc shes cis so ive never felt compelled to have a deeper conversation #abt gender with her. but also i could sweeaaar its been mentioned bc almost all our other friends are trans lol #and also ive been introducing myself at queer sports socials w any pronouns and i swear i talked abt that w her..... whatever #and my pronouns are on discord and shes def seen my tumblr before but maybe i didnt have them in my bio at the time... i digress #i kind of prefer cis ppl she/hering me tbh. theyre not able to they them or he him or whatever else me in a way that matters..... #altho i do find it fascinating when she or other ppl elect to use neutral or masculine terms for me. raising an eyebrow and taking notes #like when she got a job and joked abt me being her househusband.. pulling up the fem/masc tally chart and chalking a line up #a la nona the ninth.... ive been trying to figure out whos inhabiting this body my entire fucking life with no luck girl #ANYWAY just smth to think abt. im so tired i think my brain is gonna start seeping out my eyeballs #im gonna watch some more pluto and read and then -> 🛌 #another 6:30 start tomorrow woohoo #.diaries #zzzzz

[devotedlystrangewizard]

the school arc to me is so good because it drags ciel out of his position as a powerful figure and literally places him in the shoes of the person he could have been. the circus arc ALSO drags him out of his position as big bad queens watch dog/head of the phantomhive estate but the school arc feels like a mockery of a future that never was. this is what he could have been had his parents not died. and even then its NOT because he will never be that kid.

he never was.

#ramblings #incoherent beyond belief its 4 am #and im trying to avoid manga spoilers #might add a reblog with more coherent thoughts when i wake up but im off my meds so i cant promise anything #actually correction im being vague w the manga spoilers #manga readers know whats up #idk if there are any anime only ppl who havent been spoiled on The Plottwist Ever yet #but i figured there will be new fans and though im not tagging this it might still get seen so #cant WAIT to see our boy absolutely miserable in animation form should they recreate that arc LMAOOO #which ofc is after the germany arc so thats still a long time away #but STILL. itd be fun i need to see this young teenager lose his mind in color with sound #him relying on sebastian to do all his fag duties (sorry. dredge) so he can work his way up the social ladder #trying to gain power while simultaneously proving that he cant do anything but rely on others #hes always needed help in basically every way and he hasnt CHANGED he just got a demon to do it for him #he learns to lie and charm and cheat and all the while hes a fucking CHILD WHO STILL STRUGGLES WITH NORMAL THINGS #ciel is my little baby and i love him deeply no matter how much of a little bitch he can be #his helplessness isnt just 'oh he was raised in british high society' its also that he never got the chance to learn anything #which to elaborate on that id also have to go into manga territory. iykyk #like absolutely at this point he just refuses to learn how to do things he has a pet demon to do it for him #but. #hi the phantomhives backstory is killing me again its so late #both atlantic and the school arc are just setup for the Big Arc but theyre very good in their own right i SWEAR #also when i rewatched the circus arc a while back and i realised how some scenes were shot #the heavy foreshadowing that i didnt realise. yk. 7 years ago or however long its been since i first watched it #CRAZY #if you are new. to kuroshitsuji. and you havent read the manga. dear god. read the manga #ALSO GRELLE IN THAT ARC IS SO BEAUTIFUL & OTHELLO IS TRANSMASCULINE. OKAY GOODBYE

[liquidstar]

I'm glad the "Satire requires a clarity of purpose and target lest it be mistaken for and contribute to that which it intends to criticize" meme is getting critiqued in its usage because... While the sentiment itself is absolutely true... I feel like sometimes, perhaps, it's not a work of fiction's fault that you're personally bad at picking up on satire

#im thinking about how i saw a person say futurama is bad because bad things still exist in the future #and its like. thats the point though? #the joke is literally the idea that if we never learn and grow from these problems as a society these are the hyperbolic extremes #that they would come to etc etc #do i think it was all well handled? probably not. it had a 14 year run im sure it fumbled lots of stuff and has shit that doesnt hold up #but i feel like dismissing it entirely based on just- #''but bad stuff happens. and i want the future to be better so this bums me out'' is just dumb LOL like thats literally the point #theyre taking the problems of today and making them into crazy hyperbolic extremes to mock them THATS WHAT SATIRE IS #there is a clarity of purpose youre just bad at picking up on it. NIXON WAS THE FUCKING PRESIDENT IN THAT SHOW FOR CHRIST SAKE #WHAT ELSE DO YOU THINK ''AMERICA'S FAVORITE SUICIDE BOOTH SINCE ****2008****'' COULD MEAN? #idk. this site is bad media literacy r us why take it seriously. but i am. bc its frustrating #bc that quote on its own is sooooo good at explaining why some ''satire'' is bad and doesnt work #but ppl who dont know how to engage w media beyond a surface level have taken it and turned it into like #''this is bad bc i didnt get it'' ok. sounds like a you problem. #but posting this is scary bc im afraid itll be used for the other extreme .-.

[hecksupremechips]

Honestly though I think it’s really a bad sign when I look at Shin Tsukimi and literally feel like he’s a self insert 😩

#the klock keeps ticking #yttd #i wanna replay yttd so bad but i also like Gotta play other stuff with the time i have akskks #but yeah the brainrot this specific character has given me idk if I ever really talked about it but it was BAD #i like obsessively played the game in like 3 days and it was not a good idea lol but just like shin #i had to take like a week to recover from this guy cuz i couldnt stop thinking about him and how hes just like me fr #first off just the very inconsistent personality hes got going on that is very me he has these different personalities he wears to cope with #all the traumatic shit happening hes both so helpless its comical and so manipulative its terrifying #and idk its really interesting how like good and bad he is at being manipulative like hes very smart and can analyze weaknesses and lie so #good not even he knows the truth but hes also grasping at straws he doesnt think things through at all #like the second main game he just didnt prepare at all hes fumbling his way through everything its going so bad #he just wants to go home he wants to outdo the game makers but hes being used by them so bad he wants it to STOP #and its just the way that like. it hits so hard cuz you know hes really not a bad person not at all he doesnt want any of this hes just #being horribly manipulated and doing whatever he can to survive but its also really scary how #well hes able to lie and manipulate and claw his way through but hes also weaker than a grade schooler #and you never forget that either and as much as he cheated his way through he still failed it was all just a cheap trick in the end #and all of this hits very hard like his personality is eerily similar to mine and just the way he thinks and acts #cuz im the same like im weak and a dweeb who likes funny cats but im also emotionally detached and observant and selfish #but where it hits the hardest is his relationship with midori like oooof that one was too real just like #the first person who was ever his friend was horribly abusive and treated him like a child and didnt respect any boundaries #and he just got sick pleasure out of seeing shin be upset and he was like. a groomer #and shin was fucking relieved when he died but also kept his scarf and adopted his personality to survive #and still goes by sou after ch2 and the scene that gets me the most is when shin ai is asked about his relationship with midori #and you can just SEE how horrified shin is because his deepest shame his abuse is being shared to everyone without his consent #and hes reliving it all in that moment and literally seeing who he used to be experiencing the abuse #he just curls into himself and like covers his ears and pulls his hair thats literally what i do AAAAAA #im just so grateful for the direction they took this character kokichi ouma wishes he was shin tsukimi so bad #and yeah just like damn. its scary how similar i am to shin like damn i really am going through it huh oof #I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I WILL DEFEND HIM WITH MY LIFE HE DID ALL OF THAT STUFF YOUR HONOR BUT LISTENNNN #have you considered that hes cute and smart and weird and maybe just needs friends who arent assholes

[bonestrouslingbones]

actually while im feeling sad about stupid bullshit (not being popular anymore oh woe is me) lets take a little summary of atbb's pre-hiatus inbox

someone trying to roleplay as sans because they didnt look at the blog for more than two seconds

someone saying the skeletons are cute and asking to hug them

someone asking to be friends with [Enter Skeleton Here]

someone asking what their brothers are like

How are you?

You're cute!

You're cool!

How have you been?

Nice outfit!

Nice outfit!

Nice outfit!

Nice outfit!

someone who does not understand the concept of dramatic irony who wants very badly to explain the full plot so far to characters who would never know that in any context otherwise as if that wouldnt be lame as hell for them to suddenly know

why is [thing that was a very big plot point]

HOW HAVE YOU BEEN

HOW HAVE YOU BEEN

HOW HAVE YOU BEEN

YOU'RE CUTE

HOW HAVE YOU BEEN

HOW HAVE YOU BEEN

HOW HAVE YOU BEEN

#AHHHHHHHHHH #LOOK. NONE OF THESE ARE INHERENTLY BAD. BUT WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THEM #IF I SCROLL FAR ENOUGH I CAN GET TO THE ACTUAL PLOT RELEVENT ONES. BUT OF COURSE THEY WERE SENT IN AFTER THE TOPIC CHANGED #ohhh and i didnt even MENTION the ones that i would always instantly delete #the “*walks in and smiles* well whats going on here?” just LOOK!!!! READ!!!!! FIND OUT YOURSELF #IT GOT TO A POINT WHERE I WOULD GET MORE OF THOSE THAN ACTUAL QUESTIONS #just. ugh. no wonder it stopped being fun #i get it. make art for myself and all that. i try to. #but i fucking hate being alone here man. #i know what its like to have other people have fun with it with me and it feels like thats so fucking rare now. i dont know #doesnt help that i can't form connections over the internet. especially since every time i've talked about this irl i've been laughed at <3 #this is all dumb as hell whatever. going to bed #probably just PMS tbh none of this matters who give a shit

[nomaishuttle]

sometimes u put yr playlist on shuffle a song comes up and you have to put another song in the queue immediately as soon as it comes on bc it makes you think of that song

#this is abt aura by ghost and pals Sry everytime i hear it im like a fiddle This is just like devil went down to georgia and then i have to #put devil went down to georgia in the queue #i think its a fiddle innit.. it sounds like a fiddle but im also NOTORIOUSLY bad at telling instruments apart. <- guy who once couldnt tell #if something was a guitar or a piano i actually rly rly rly rly dont wanna get into it okay. #i guess you didnt know it but i am a fiddle player too 😏😏 #sry. the other thing this post is abt is kiss me and ladies in their sensibilities sweeney. obviously those r connected #but if ladies in their sensibilities comes on by itself i quite literally couldnt be assed so everytime i have to put kiss me on instead an #add lits to the queue. bc them together is like the best song i ever heard its just that the beginning of lits is just kind of boring It #does get stuck i my head sometimes but the supreme part is the end thats Basically just a reprise of kiss me #but also theyre kind of the same song anyways at least o wowww i was just typing in tempo with the fiddle that was awesome. at least on the #2012 soundtrack aka the best one talk to the hand or dont i dont wanna hear it. well i do want to hear it it being the 2012 london cast #recording of sweeney todd starring michael ball and imelda staunton. ANYWAYS!! in that one the songs lead in to eachother #ive listened to all the other soundtracks but idr if they do that.. well ill tell u the movie doesnt bc it doesnt have kiss me. which is #just so. the johanna anthony romance doesnt rly have much substance in the first place and yr taking away like. their duet together. ok.... #AND yr taking away the end part of lits? the best part of that song? whatever its fine its fine. #if anybody is curious my ranking of casts is 2012 > obc > movie > 2006 i fucking hate 2006 or 2005 or whatever i hate it sm it makes my #blood literally boil im sry. i fucking LOATHE it idk what it is well i do but this post is already 5000000 years long. idt the new one is #out fully yet... i was ok with the songs i have heard but idk where id rank it yet. i should prolly check if the full things out yet omg so #me and my lampstie (way of saying my siblings name if theres something deeply wrong with you) can listen :]

[cultivatingyourfuture]

grinning emoji. you know which guy im thinking abkut rn. how well does he deal with being a catch and release

ok originally i had paragraphs upon paragraphs about why vallen is what he is but it got too complicated and far away from the og question so. sorry it took me a while 2 answer this LOL !!!

anyways. pretty well actually? like of course the nature of what they are BOTHERS him, why wouldn't it, but it's not like its their fault what happened happened. being made into what they were for the reasons they were is on the people who did it. vallen, at least by the end, knows what he wants and that the only persons whims he's to be beholden to are their own. he's not going to feel guilt on behalf of what another person used them to do, and they sure as hell aren't going to spend the rest of their life questioning why they are where they are because he knows why-- because he wants to be. and that's all that matters

vallens kind of ended up being a bit of a narrative foil for cherry (gay as fuck in my opinion) the more i focus on him because you know how i love my parallels and contrasting personalities , and one big way this manifests is how they regard their memories. obviously cherrys very attached to and fixated on what little they can gleam from the vaguest hints of whatever they lost and is very bothered by this lack of answers for where they came from or why. vallen, meanwhile, is characterized by a need to forget-- to bury their memories, not think about it, distract himself or erase it through any means necessary. it's only when that lack of memory becomes a problem that it starts to bother them-- when he starts noticing that something is very, very different and they cant pinpoint what happened or why, only a terrible sense of dread and a vague idea that something awful has happened. the one time hes spared the burden of remembering is the one time he, you know, **needs** to remember what happened-- to figure out whats going on with themself and, later, to help someone he does actually end up really caring about. (i also, sometimes, wonder if there's some resentment to be gained from knowing someone who got the chance to leave it all behind and start over in the exact way you'd want to. food for thought.) it's a wake up call to how he's been living-- do they really want to live their whole life pushing these things down, not confronting it on a meaningful level, just letting what happens to them happen and praying they'll black out before the worst of it? probably not. it obviously doesn't fix everything but it does get them asking some difficult questions that they've been ignoring for a long while now.

anyways when they're first confronted with this stuff he pretty much wants nothing to do with it-- he doesn't know anything about why theyre like this and wouldn't be able to help otherwise, and besides that he's not getting involved in something that seems like someone else's problem to deal with. he does kind of come around but it's less out of a desire to find out what's wrong with him and more of a desire to figure out why it's such a big deal for cherry because they just. Dont get it. she's lucky not to remember anything, after all, and why waste your time on something that's probably going to hurt you in the end when you can live your damn life and move on with it. and learning those answers does kind of actually endear them to each other and whoops they're friends now toooooo fucking bad

fizzle does find that vallen has technology within him that suggests remote piloting and this does IMMENSELY bother them and he does get it deactivated as soon as he can. the idea that he's been used in a way that negates any part of his will or wants makes him feel sick and angry and does motivate him to be involved with the story but he comes to make peace with it because. whatever he was used for, it. wasnt him. and they are not going to let someone give them the guilt that THEYRE supposed to possess. (more parallels. being made into something for the purpose of what someone else wants. continuation of the themes of "you are not responsible for the shit other people do to you" etc) which also baffles cherry bc if it was him she'd have a crisis of conscious . vallens good for making them calm the hell down sometimes i think but that's another post

the literal concrete reasoning for why vallen is what he is only comes out during that stretch of time where cherry is dead and that reasoning does initially throw him for a loop-- the idea you were made to find someone else and that not only did it work but it's the pretext for Why you came to care about them is unnerving-- but those people are gone now, and he's not controlled by them or anyone else anymore, and he still stays up at night to watch diagnostics flicker and to see if anything at all comes back online outside of their input, and he's sick of other people defining what he's supposed to feel or want and god damn it, they're the closest they've been to being happy in a while, and he refuses to let that be defined by anything else. he cares about people because he chose to and that's all that matters, and anyone who thinks that's a weakness to be utilized is not only wrong but fucking stupid. they're here because they want to be; if they didn't then they wouldn't. he's not going to let that define what he feels or thinks because that's up to them and not someone else.

anyway he's still not quite to the point where i want them, obviously, but i am trying to take the initial idea of their character-- someone who isn't impacted the way others were by this singular event partly because theyve already been through so much that this just. doesn't faze them the way it probably should-- and trying to extend it in new ways. vallens really bad about fitting into the molds other people make for them and letting other people tell them what they feel or what they are and i do like the idea that they end deciding to prioritize their wants and needs and feelings after Not Doing That.

there's some interesting themes here about the nature of autonomy and how that feeds into things like addiction and objectification but ill spare you the analysis on that. blows the fuck up

#this is disjointed and potentially nonsense but its fiiine #vallen #down-thedrain #asks #ive been rotating them in my mind for a while now. thinking of how they ended up like this and the usual . #and i like that i get to do an inverse of the eveline/cherry plot where instead of 'who am i -> oh my god nevermind i know who i am' #its 'i know who i am -> no the fuck i didnt thats what other people either wanted out of me / convinced me to do. fuck that' #also having fun with the fizzle / cherry / vallen dynamics (and i mean that separate of any pairings) #ok enugf tags. explorge s

[soggypotatoes]

having a dissociative disorder is so fucked up and confusing

like, I feel like that's obvious, but no... once you know you have it, once it's confirmed, it just gets so much more confusing than it was before

#ed mumbles #it's all fun and games till a mental health professional starts talking to you about it #and im like nononono noo that is something other people experience not me #and shes like 🧐 #anyway. its been bad the last few days #ive been experiencing states simultaneously and switching very rapidly #getting double vision and not sure who's where #i have a young part thats obsessed with flossing her teeth for hours on end and i am gripping her leash rn like NO #last time we did that we fucked up our gums so no #and then another part is like. i need top surgery NOW. #in therapy today i was switching rapidly #and i was overheating when one was present and freezing when another was #it was fucking weird i dont know what's going on #i have to see her most days bc shes like an anchor so i know who i am and whats happening each day #also i do take this w a grain of salt bc i dont have an official diagnosis #but thats only bc i didnt want one #she told my psychiatrist about it but i told him nope dont talk to me abt it i dont wanna know. #i dont want that on my record this is insanely personal and i dont need it in writing where people i dont know might see it

[haemosexuality]

these past few days i have been uncharacteristically. emotionally open. w my friend and it has me thinking about how truly for all of my life i just did not expect anything from anyone

#like since i was a kid i just accepted in my head that all the ''friends'' id have were ppl who either were just putting up w me (probably #bc they had no one else and i was like. what was available) or ppl who cared ab me yeah but i was still their second or third choice #and i was just like. yeah ok. i can survive w that. like consciously i made the choice to hang out w people i knew didnt really like me #bc it was better than not having anyone to talk to #did it hurt any less when those ppl eventually stopped talking to me or i learned theyve been talking about how annoying i am to others? #no it didnt. bc i still cared about Them and had Them as my first choice. but i just thought. thats just how it is. im jist not really #likeable. so ill take what i can get #when i was like 7 or 8. i had one friend at school. and she had like some issues at home or smth idk but sometimes she would just start. #treating me badly or just ignoring me for months at a time. and its not like it deeply traumatized me or anything i honestly didmt remember #this fact until like last year but the thing is that i just. accepted it. i was just like yeah ok for half of the year or so my only friend #will act like she hates me and ill have no one to talk to. thats fine. ill just wait until next year when she likes me again. at age 7. and #now im just like what the fuck man why did i just accept that as my life. through all my childhood and then with other friends in my teen #years why did i never not once try to do better for myself. yknow? #when i was 11 and in another school my best friend suddenly started not talking to me. after a month or so of this i decided to invite her #to my house to play like we had done so several times before and she just looked at me like she was confused i was talking to her at all #and said ''why?''. and i was just like. ok. thats that i guess. genuinely why did i just accept these things #and like yeah i have friends that i feel Get me now and one i love just so much and i can tell loves me back but theyre online. i dont talk #to anyone irl. i dont know how. and im happy im so happy but im also scared that im just doomed to be extremely lonely forever irl #because i am legit just not likeable. not to be a weird a weirdo but yeah im just too different from ur average person my age i cant #connect with them in any way. and i also dont know how to talk to people or make friends or to find people that are like me. ill just #not have anyone forever #i guess #especially bc now i dont hate myself enough to hang out with people i dont like so like. i dont even have that as an option skdbskdjks #Every friend i ever made happened bc the other person reached out to me first and insisted on it. all the friendships that stuck were the #gay autistic/adhd weirdonerds who can relate to my hyperfixations and dont expect me to act Normal™. idk how to find the former group irl #and have never once iniciated a friendship. my fate is to be someone who has online friends only and exclusively #and dont even get me STARTED on the topic of having a girlfriend someday- #anyways. certified magnus archives moment

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#Jesus. just finished my interview. no idea how it went #i think it was much too rambling on my part and they asked almost exclusively sciency questions #ugh hopefully i didn't look like a completle moron. the guy was sorta inscrutable so no idea what he thought #and he was like hmm whats ur competition here? and i dont give a fuck abt competition and also it doesnt really matter #fuck. i should have said. it would b fine if they were doing the exact same project bc we would b evolving different strains and it would b #interesting if they evolved even the exact same traits. fuck #i think objectively i probably looked like someone who halfway knows what theyre doing without the specific knowledge #which is exactly true. like mother fuckers ive got a full time job to be overworked in. i dont have time to memorize details of every #pathway change in every desert cyano #uuuuugh its just annoying bc my brain doesnt work well in the moment. i need time to process and knit together an answer #so i wouldnt b surprised if i was ranked low. oh god i was told the interview was prob a formality unless it goes terribly #itll b real embarrassing if i dont get passed this stage now #whatever it was a bit chaotic on their end too bc one guy didnt show up until halfway thru so i kinda had to go back and say things twice #uuuuuuuuuuggh. well that kinda sucked. at least its done. out of my hands now. #i was getting too excited abt it anyway. this will reaffirm my: obviously im not gonna get it vibes #i mean thats what i get for trying to join a very competitive program. like i am not a competitive person #rip to my lab mate who im gonna whine at all day abt this. i have to meet him in less than an hour #welp. there r other schools. god i hope at least one of them accepts me #ugh i just think its kinda annoying they they want u to be perfectly qualified for things lol. like i would need someone to step thru the #lab process with me literally once or twice and then id be good to go #like maybe a couple hours of someones time to remind me. thats it. humans r adaptable #i can obviously carry out a project to its conclusion and i have a lot of passion. not that they asked. but yeah #oh well. i should have breakfast before i freeze in the desert all day #unrelated

[snekdood]

Im so tired of acting the way i think some ppl on here think i should act. Im tired of assuming theyre seeing me through the lens my ex provides for them. Im tired of feeling like nothing i say or do matters anyways because people have made up their mind about me and refuse to try to see me in another light. I know who I am and I know what im like and im tired of trying to almost essentially help people see me change my behavior for the better from something i never even was? Because i guess i feel like if i act like most people dont know about the issues between me and my ex that means other people will think im just *pretending nothing is wrong or happening*. It feels like i cant win either way. I cant play pretend as this horrible person whos trying to reform and have people allow me the chance to actually change and recognize that change and i cant also be myself and just know myself without people thinking im just ignoring this thing that isnt even a thing i need to work on or ever even fucking did. Im so tired of feeling convinced that other people are convinced im horrible and having to work from there and having to try to navigate that situation and get someone to see my side of things because ive just come to the conclusion that some people just will refuse to and idk. Theres nothing i can do in this situation. I just know i didnt deserve any of it.

#im like one of the most careful fucking people in the world istg #even before all of this but now especially after this bc im operating under the assumption that ppl see me as if im not #i almost feel brainwashed by what i think others perception of me is like online. #and then i try to go through the steps i think someone who did fo those things would do. or as if i did do those things and what id do #in that situation afterward. but i didnt do those things. and i dont need to live and operate as if i did to prove to other ppl i have the #emotional and mental maturity that i do #i dont need to sit here and let people gaslight me into their perception of me or at least what i think it is #i am such a good stinky lil guy. its people like my ex and the people around them online that brought out all this bitterness in me. #i resent those people so much. and i cant help but feel like theyre all stalking me still all the time. they want me to live like that too #like im in a panopticon. but this is what im saying- if i move on like i know myself and operate as myself the way ik myself #THOSE PEOPLE will come around and then act like im ignoring the situation with my ex and 'trying to escape responsibility' #i dont know why i feel so obedient to their perception. i mean i guess i know why like probably bc of my brother pushing me into a box #and me feeling like i have to stay in there or be abused. i feel the same way with my ex- if i dont act like ive been in the box they put #me in this whole time then they are going to get mad at me and try to come after me more i feel like. #i feel like thats when theyre really going to try to sic their followers or friends after me. #idk but im going to stop. i dont care how you see me. its not real. its not true. it never was. i was abused by this person and thats the #final truth about it. im not saying i couldnt have been reactively abusive sometimes with them but all the things they say i did #that they did to me but say i did but x10 worse? no. fuck off. thats not fucking me. you DONT KNOW ME. YOU HAVENT BEEN AROUND ME #ALL MY LIFE GROWING UP. IF YOU KNEW ME YOU WOULD KNOW ID NEVER DO THAT SHIT. YOU WOULD FUCKING KNOW THAT. #which is why i know you dont know me. none of you do. im tired of operating the way i think you want me to. #im tired of trying to empathize with people i dont want to LIKE my ex or my brother or my sister or my dad #im tired of trying to see things the way they do. how my ex is probably just this dumb scared kid inside who does dumb shit and doesnt #think about the consequences and doesnt care about the consequences of their actions because their only priority is #self preservation. like i dont care. i understand but i dont care. they still hurt me. they still did what they did to me. #they still know they did something wrong otherwise they wouldnt have started this whole smear campaign. #im tired of trying to sympathize with them. give them a million chances to change. do what i can to encourage them to actually have empathy #even towards the people they hurt and like to smear. #because they dont do the same for me. i know. i know theyre still shit talking me. i know they cant stop because if they did theyd have to #have more empathy about me on a whole lot of things they dont want to think about bc they dont want to feel about how they treated me #and continue to treat me by keeping up this narrative abt me online. they dont give a fuck so why am i extending so much to them.

[malkaviian]

i have a headache but also i dont want to go to sleep just yet dkjnfjds i want me-time

(warning: as i was writing the tags of this post this turned into another kinda-heavy rant about the situation my group of friends and i are. so keep that in mind)

#things were weird today when She(tm) was there but when she left things were normal again #but these hours were kinda stressful rip or more like... there was an inherent discomfort and tension in the air #with some ugly commentaries and actions on her part. like its your (supposed) best friend's birthday at least try to hide your disgust 👍 #birthday you ~apparently~ forgot until it the day before. also you didnt had a single penny to spend on the gift for him #but you sure as hell had it to go eat with your college friends to expensive places! girl at least dont post about it on insta #and just in case; this wasnt a '*goes to expensive places before* -oh i dont have money sowwy :((' #this was a '-oh i dont have money sowwy :(( *goes to expensive places after it*' #what we were asking for collaboration was way less than what she spent on those places. it was AT THE VERY LEAST 3000 ars per food #and you know what she wanted to give for the gift? 500 ars!!! you cant buy shit with it; let alone if we only collaborated with 500 each #like she wanted. we're 4; genuine question what kinda shit can you buy for $2000. maybe a good quality cup but we already gave him that #but even then the point is not the money; the thing is the attitude. you cant spend more than $500 on us #but you can spend at least $6000 on your other friends; given you went to eat with them two days in a row. priorities i guess? #OH! and talking about it!! can you fucking believe she INVESTIGATED the phone of our ~new~ friend (the one shes jealous of) #and DEADASS said 'oh i see. my mom has an A51'. our friend has an A20 if im not wrong; which might not be an A51 but its. still expensive?? #also your mom has an A51 but you have an iPhone 5 since you were on high school. but hey; apple i am right?? inherently better than an A20 #sorry i have less than that; i have an A10s (that i got on the start of 2020). can i still breathe the same air as you and your mom /s #once again the problem is not the money or the phone or WHATEVER. its the fucking attitude shes having. you want to pretend you have money #and act like youre superior to people who 'dont'; when in reality YOU ARE MIDDLE CLASS. YOU ARENT UPPER CLASS; NOT EVEN UPPER-MIDDLE CLASS #YOURE MIDDLE CLASS. MIDDLE CLASS LIKE THE REST OF US; NOT LIKE YOUR COLLEGE FRIENDS YOU LOVE SO MUCH AND WANT TO IMPRESS #YOU SPEND MONEY YOU DEFINITELY DONT HAVE BECAUSE YOU WANT TO APPEAR UPPER-MIDDLE AT THE VERY LEAST. but thats a lie #a lie that if these beloved friends bothered to ACTUALLY know even the slightest about you; like we do; would fall apart. but they wouldnt! #because they dont care about you as much as we care(d). do you think they will tolerate this fucking attitude youre having towards us? #no they wouldnt. trust me; they WOULDNT. they will tell you to fuck off and leave you completely alone. go cry a river. #god fucking dammit why are you like this. WHY you turned like this. or rather; why we were SO GODDAMN blind we didnt noticed this before #negative

[this-doesnt-endd]

Not passing the vibe check at the moment

#i cant fall asleep even tho im tired and got sad like outta nowhere #i was just vibing chilling and then i was like #i will never recover from being like a teenage girl and my brain was like so fucking true bestie #lets get horrifically sad and start over analyzing everything about urself from birth to now #so im just having a time #also like this is a completly unrelated topic #but i got coffee 2day and they used oatmilk and i didnt know cause like i didnt ask for it but it had like a weird cinnamon taste #and i had my friend taste it who figured it out and it was whatever cause like i was trying figure out why it had a cereal oatmeal quality #before i figured it out #and like it was fine i drank it had my coffee but it worried me for just a second later cause like it was prolly an accident #but like i have food allergies and it was like damn what would have happened if like hazelnut syrup accidentally got used #and this is a flaw of mine but i go out virtually unprepared if i was to accidentally get something im allergic to #cause theyre easy things for me to avoid and im good abt being like nah if im not sure abt something or like asking #but i realized out of most places coffee is prolly an easier one for that to happen at and it was like oh damn #anyways sorry 2 be dramatic but i am #i just want like 2-3 days rot alone in bed but its summer break which means my mom is home and thats not happening #i also have a few new sudden bruises one that is very dark and like im a simple man somwthing happens and i google why #and fucking google is like lukemia and i know its not but like dont make me anxious but then its like vitamin defeciences #and i have like a few other lik things that ate annoying me that could also be from vitamin defiences and if they are like???? #i just got a b12 shot not long ago and they usually make me feel pretty better for a few weeks and this one felt like it did nothing #am i that defiecent? how do i get to not be like is this a problem? can it become one? #and ive been waking up feeling overheated 2 a bloody nose which is odd cause the temp never changes im usually always a lil cold #and the blanket i use is super thin and its only been recently despite me changing nothing #my feet also hurt bad and i still havrnt gotten that referal for a physical therapist which like im not excited to go to at all but also #like damn my feet hurt and my ankle hurts and i swear im on the verge of rolling my ankle at an given moment like almost all the time #and ive broken both of them can they get some slack #and ive ruined my sleep schedual #and i want to scream cause im feeling all mixed up

[your-jellyfish-senpai]

Losing my mind a little this week it's fine

#literally just need to spill my thoughts here because im struggling #work stuff is so fucking frustrating these days and i have no motivation #because our clients are irritating as HELL 75% of the time and dont know what tf theyre talking about #and it takes so much restraint to not just tell them to stop talking and listen to me and do what we say #and i HATE having urgency in my work the way i do now #it is not how i operate at all and i fucking hate it #like i do not want to have to rush to do things and shove other things aside to prioritize something every single day #but thats whats happening #and our company is so BAD at internal communication #we are a MARKETING. AGENCY. THATS SUPPOSED TO BE. A STRENGTH #im also just. hitting a depressive episode rn which is not helping #i got a notice from a fucking tax collector because i didnt file my taxes for the four months i lived in this county in 2020 #because i didnt realize THAT WAS SEPARATE bc no one TOLD ME #and now i have to pay 25 bucks to do that within a month like. guys i did not make enough for this to be a big deal fuck you #and i have to worry about an upcoming conversation with a friend and their roommates bc the roommates suck so bad and we need them to leave #but theyre difficult and defensive and hostile and toxic hence why im going to be there at all to back up my friend #but i just. it causes me so much anxiety #AND i have to see two of my cousins this week who are closer to each other than they are to me and like. its nice yall reached out but #we arent friends were just around the same age and we have different values and goals and i am so. so tired #ANYWAY. GOTTA DO SOME WORK. #i wasted a lot of time today just. spiralling a little #so i didnt get much done #and tomorrow i have SEVEN FUCKING MEETINGS so am i gonna get anything done then? probably not! #and friday im gonna have to be on a call with a client who has really gotten on my nerves lately (lol thats like a quarter of them rn) and #i just dont want to. i would like to sleep #anyway sorry for this mess of tags for anyone who reads this jfc i just really needed to dump some thoughts #and didnt want to dump them on anyone in particular bc its a lot so ya know. voluntary dump recipients or aomethint idk #something*

[kethabali]

i continue to be surprised how our body, minds, and universe align perfectly sometimes and we get just what we needed even if we don't realize we needed it

#someone asked me for money and i didnt have cash and they asked if they can have my food so i just took them to the store and bought them #something to eat and talked a bit which was very needed bc i been in a downer the last 2 days #freezing up from my workload of house work and school work #so i just not been doing either of it really #only the basics of eating and cleaning myself (somewhat) but i went out today to get a charger for my weed pen or to buy another pen #and thats when i saw her so that was good #first iw as like maybe god is real or something cuz how that keep aligning like that but then i realized i made the choice to talk to her #and buy her food.. it was literally me who made it happen not gOd #so yea i still am not re believing in god at least not the institutional organized religion god #cuz that guy is pure evil he is the real devil im telling you #but i do believe our souls know what we need and try to make it happen regardless of our circumstances #anyways.. gonna watch a really gorey movie now instead of reading for school #i do want to read but at the same time i do not want to read #i want to read not today but i Have to read today and tomorrow bc its due on tuesday #and i wanna go to a protest tomorrow so mainly i have today and half of tomorrow and a bit of tuesday #which is not enough for my adhd ass to do this how i want so it will probably be rushed #unless i take somehthing else out of the schedule but i really wanna go to the protest GRR i hate capitalism #just let me do things how i wanna do it im pissed off again #why i gotta do things on other peoples schedule all the goddamn time this is my least favorite thing about capitalism #never being able to do things when i wanna do them cuz there are consequences for if i ignore the other things #i just sometimes wanna be like fuck it let me just take the consequence and do what i want but that never went well in high school #i guess i can read 2 pages or something #or die. just kidding.. haha.. im trying not to answer die or death anytime i am inconvenienced #🧃

[nomaishuttle]

uninstalled all the dating apps which ws like 8nof them . in the morning ill tell the guys i was talking to that i overestimared how ready i was and hopefully theyll understand andnjust drop it

#i dont feel stable enough for like . any relationship platonic or romantic andnit fucking..rly sucks bc i want to have friends but like #with what happened with daj the other day im like. i dont think i can be like . idk. ik daj said it was ok and she understood but im so #upset that i lashed iut abt that and i keep trying to get into therapy but i fucking..cant find one. at all #im trying to be more reasonable witj mymoney and i know like. i need therapy bc i Need to work this out and i am not able to work it out #with myself. i need to see a professional abt this . so ik it wouldnt be frivolous to spend money on a therapist if i cant find one in #network. bc the in network thrapists dont accept/dont specialize in working with patients with bpd which i like. thats..my issue. im almost #posiitive. ive done a lot of research and it matches up with like . all of my experiences #ik everybody feels unstable after a breakup buti genuinely like. i dont feel whole. and im looking back on how i treated myself and thiught #abt the relationship and its like. i stopped talking to all my friends i stopped talking to my family i literally dropped out of school i #moved across the country i dropped any interest that we didnt share i literally like. i gave up fucking everything and thats not. healthy. #and he never aksed me for that and its not fair of me to resent him for me doing that bc he nevrr asked me to #but i feel like. everytime i think abt him it feels like im being torn in half like . i put him on so incredibly high of a pedestal i #literally thought of him as perfect that was..recurring. and when i was upset with him i took it out on myself horrifically and thats not #normal . and jow thinking abt him literally physucally hurts bc theres still that part of me that thinks hes perfect and that im a mistake #and a failure and i didnt Be connor right. and then theres a part of me that . doesnt think of him that way #and its just like. aughhf. even outside that relationship im looking back on past friendships and how like..obsessive i get with them #and then when they 'betray' me i just. immediately turn on them and like. thats not normal.. #and my sense of identity is um. Well you guys have seen. you know. #ive looked into it a lot and i rly think i have it and im not like. 100% positive but i feel like even if i dont itd be good to work with a #therapist who Has experience with that. since the experience is so similar. yk. idk #i just feel insane and i feel like bod would make like. so much of my life and the way i act and the way i react to things like..it makes #sense when i look at it as if i have bpd. and if i dont it literally seems completely irrational and erratic like. IDK. so basically i need #a therapist who can work with that but none of the ones in network specialize in that and then i was researching and found out a lot of #therapists specifically Dont work with bpd patients and like. judge their peers who do for woriing with bod #which is 1. Actually disgusting 2. Straight up stupid 3. Terrifying. so i only want to work with a therapist whi explicitely says I #specialize and work with patients with bpd 👍 but i literally could only find 1 and theyre out of network and its 15p for visit and id #prefer to do weekly visits if possible but thats . 300 per paycheck for therapy . biweekly itd be better but thats still 150. and i have to #save up for the trip home and then the new apartment immediately after #and i have to get credit card . #and in an ideal world id hold off on the therapist until i get my new apartment so that i can fully focus on coping with myself and learnin