#its like at this point im just gonna fuck up my life beyond repair and then kill myself or whatever

[aropride]

when i was in 7th grade i used to say goodbye to my dad every night instead of goodnight

#suicide tw #text #neg #bc i never was really sure if id make it thru the night #i dont know. i was so fucking young. and that wasnt even when it started #i was in 5th grade. writing in my diary with my bottle2pen pen i used all the time #like. 'ways i could kill myself: hit head on rock. jump off bridge. drink poison' #like i was 10 or 11 i was a fucking kid #and i thought itd get better #i was so sure of it. it'll get better in middle school! itll get better in high school! itll get better once im out of this relationship! #itll get better post covid! itll get better after graduation! itll get better after this summer! itll get better after college! #itll get better in summer! itll get better when i tell my parents! #and its Not Getting Better and i Havent Told My Parents and . i dont know #i feel like my life is falling apart & ill never be able to fix it & im going to feel miserable until i die around the age of 22 #give or take a few years. whatever.i dont care #its like at this point im just gonna fuck up my life beyond repair and then kill myself or whatever #<- who said all that? damn what a fucking emo loser. well im fine guys! for realsies! totally fine!smile #i have therapy tmrw. or well. today. #im not excited. butwahetevr. #dont . worry abt me. ill make it thru. i always do

[grokebaby]

HAI ITS ME AGAIN !! I come bearing gifts for youse in the form of songs :]

For Siru- I bring Be My Escape by Relient K, but specifically these lyrics bc it reminds me of her relationship with Pesticinger a little bit <33

"And this life sentence that I'm serving / I admit that I'm every bit deserving / But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair / 'Cause I've been housing all of this doubt and insecurity

And I've been locked inside that house / All the while You hold the key / And I've been dying to get out and that might be the death of me" me when I have to keep going back to this fucked up god of plague because I don't have anyone else and in a weird way she makes me feel like I belong somewhere, but at the same time I hate it so bad

For Nan- Down the river by The Crane Wives, because it reminds me of how Mr Varpuden was in the party and I think that'd be how she reacted to it all too. Just this sense of anger and exasperation and horror as she watches this guy fuck up beyond repair as everything keeps escalating further out of her control. Im so normal about Nan <- Liar

For Spider- Along Came A Spider by Czesław Śpiewa ! Not just because it has spider in the title I promise /silly. I think the descent of calm, gentle music into increasingly aggressive sounding lyrics and melodies is very much the kind of hubris that lady would experience tbh... also the way the singer delivers "Knock, Knock, please let us in / It's cold out here, too cold to sin" reminds me a lot of the Vibes (tm) this character has in general :3

YOOOOO THESE ARE SO GOOD I'M LOVING THE SELECTION!! I'm gonna blather about this I think it'll be a long post I got so pumped

Nan:

AND THIS LAST BIT. HEAD IN HANDS

What else is there for me to say this is on the MARK. Honestly Nan as she is could stand to be alot angrier, I think over the years she's mostly just been super super bitter and felt betrayed, this kind of quiet misery and ache over everything lost. She wants to be the same anchor of stability in her children's lives as she's been in everyone else's up to this point. If not that then who even is she. But who remembers her after everything has drifted away. ALSO I'M YELLING ABOUT THIS BC. I so deeply associate Nan with like, river motifs, like!! The song "What the water gave me" by Florence and the machine is so her and her family!!!

[onewomancitadel]

i got your ask and i loved it! maybe the seasonal knightfall symbolism was the stuff we made up along the way.

i also wanted to say its so funny (terrible) to me how the idea that sometimes a character doesnt need romance (which i think is fine on its own! i think w/eiss is more empowered by rebuilding her existing family and having friends than she would be with a romantic interest for example) has been twisted so fucking awfully into "any female character i dont want to be happy/i think is getting in the way of my ship/is evil/etc doesnt need romance because she's powerful enough as it is :) im not misogynistic i just want women to be empowered!" im gonna start doing this with male characters actually. cmon guys s/un is cool amd strong enough as it is he doesn't need a love interest :)!! if the writers give him one its just ridiculous 🙄🙄

i just hate seeing people use good points to be fucking annoying to people who like things. i want cinder and salem and every bad evil naughty no good villain woman to get a romance now. and the men can too i guess 🙄🙄 (JOKING they need kisses too. looking at you merc)

if this is rambly im sorry its 2 am again (whoops)

(Now you can see where the previous post I made came from because I was on that seasons shit).

You make excellent points. I think the case with Weiss, though, is that it is actually a textual interpretation of her character, and her parallel with Qrow (her team S/TRQ analogue) is that their character arcs are largely connected to repairing familial relations (and their respective team partner Ruby-Summer). Weiss also gets a different play on Ozlem in her own story (as you pointed out she's almost an even split of their respective roles) which I think is partly being done to show how part of the weakness, say, both Ozlem have is that they don't have supportive, broader connections; Knightfall is the connective tissue, yes, but I do think Cinder being accepted back into the community (... dare I say with the elixir of life) is part of the key to her redemption holistically. But it's ultimately a cop out, otherwise, when this argument is employed, because as you can see it's not about Cinder's character or Cinder's desires.

The problem also here is that Cinder has no friends or family. The overtures of 'friendship' has failured her. How can an orphan have the same character arc as Weiss? It's just nonsensical. Romance for her has been set up as the answer. It has not been dismissed, not at all. Calculatedly so there is a gap in her narrative waiting to be filled.

im gonna start doing this with male characters actually. cmon guys s/un is cool amd strong enough as it is he doesn't need a love interest :)!! if the writers give him one its just ridiculous 🙄🙄

Lol ikr like come on. Make way boys. Then again I've literally seen people say this about Jaune, but Jaune's a special case because he's a victim of being the wrong sort of male character since he has a unique superpower and is my favourite and I am being persecuted in particular.

Jaune if you want narrative armour to protect you from fans being stupid you need to take your shirt off like Sun. (This is the future feminists want).

i just hate seeing people use good points to be fucking annoying to people who like things.

I mean, it's not even really a feminist talking point though, that's the problem, or if it is it's severely misunderstanding the literature. The problem itself is not romantic love, it's a female character being unable to grow beyond that or have her own character. Where I think a real issue is, is so often what we call 'romance' is little more than narrative boon. Narrative boon is itself not the problem: but she acts as a doll-prize, with no crafted character arc, with no justification, with no anything. The romance is not servicing the narrative.

So it's a genre problem.

If anything the argument here I defer to is one of technical weakness, as opposed to simple gender criticism, because I think if you can't write female characters you cannot write holistic characters (and this goes for everyone else). What I think is a serious issue that is overshadowed by discussing fiction as opposed to our actual lives is, you know, what is the role of romance in our own lives? How do we build our lives around it? How do we celebrate reciprocal love? One might say that the objectified portrayal of women in these types of objectified romances comes from the idea that women's needs, desires, and wants are ultimately accessory. The desire is not for reciprocal romance. This is exactly why anons who are bad-faith arguing with me cannot conceive of Knightfall because they don't know what romance actually is. (Take note of the sense of owedness in some of the bad faith anons; this sense that love is transactional, that love is something you are owed, not a gift that is shared, that it is something that is kept as punishment).

Or, were I not arguing from the angle of critical cultural reflection, I might just say they don't... know how to write interrelated character growth that so happens to involve romance. But they do that fine enough in buddy cop shows and film - which is probably the most structurally analogous to romance - so there's something deeper going on here.

In Weiss' case there is a deliberate theme of her Summon - her own familial Semblance - being the one to 'free' her, along with her friends. Given the fact that we have so many other romances that seem inevitable, tying her emotional development - GIVING her that emotional development, not abnegating her - to her family is actually really successful. It means that Weiss can have love central in her life, different types of love, and it gives you narrative space to explore why romantic love is meaningful. It's possible to do with an ensemble cast.

In Cinder's case, romantic love is what's needed. It's got to be one person in particular who can help her. Not just anyone. It's got to be epic and no holds-barred. If anyone could help her, why didn't it happen sooner?

i want cinder and salem and every bad evil naughty no good villain woman to get a romance now. and the men can too i guess 🙄🙄 (JOKING they need kisses too. looking at you merc)

🥺 Jaune can have little a kiss as a treat? And Mercury. Oh, we've not even started on the discourse of Emerald's love for him helping him redeem himself. Well guess what: his love for her already helped free her. 🥰 Now she's going to realise it 🥰 and that gift will be returned twicefold, tenfold, a thousandfold 🥰 since there is no numerical way of quantifying it, as it's magical and special 🥰 and then 🥰 I wonder what OTHER ENEMIES-TO-LOVERS ROMANCE THIS COULD SET UP. I WONDER WHAT OTHER ENEMIES-TO-LOVERS ROMANCE THIS COULD

#seraphina's asks #wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee #knightfall #emerald/mercury #an accidental weiss meta #user: rubyneo

[squeakadeeks]

I live for oversharing on the internet but deadass everytime I pause and reflect on this past year I'm just mind boggled by how absolutely horrendous it was.

gonna pop this under a read more if you want to know the goings on or if you want to have a break in the onslaught of everyone posting their W's to simply revel in the absolute cringe state of my life. going to even out the W to L ratio for a spell-

like ?? i mean to be fair, its not limited to 2021 or a "cursed year", the past few years have been extremely hard and getting harder- but right out the gate 2021 was just misery. Stuck working two awful jobs, one of which was social media based and exposed me to extreme levels of harassment for months and was given no protections by my employer (arguably even the opposite, we were forbidden from turning off comments) and then my other desk job had my boss suddenly do a personality 180 and go from absolutely lovely to excessively hostile without reason to the point where I had to quit.

so then i was just aimlessly floating for a while, before BOOM getting hit with rejection after rejection from grad schools, including both my dream schools in a manner that was exceptionally cold.

AND THEN- things at home popped the fuck off, and i dont want to get into too much detail publicly but we dealt with downright haunting situations involving comorbid substance abuse, borderline, and schizophrenia that again, without getting into details- was the most traumatic period i've had in my life (AND LADS i'm a CSA survivor; shit was fucked up. shit fucked me up.)

AND THEN- my ED spiralled out of control ?? to the point where a bitch got scurvy ?? ? ? in 2021 ??? followed by a cancer scare ??? AND THEN i had to move away from home, abandoning Wiggins, Tudball, and everyone who's ever given a rat's ass about me to cali in august during a 119 degree heatwave.

AND THEN the place i moved for had an atrociously hostile work environment, 80+ hour work weeks, insulting and belittling department heads that bullied at least one student out of the program already as working conditions caused my health to decline so bad I couldnt lift drinking cups. For the past 3-4 months we've had problem sets that would take 15+ hours to complete due every 48 hours every single week, on top of teaching our own classes and getting research started....while living alone for the first time and dealing with all the depression that comes with that. my BMP increased by 20 beats since october from stress.

AND THEN- i got hit with academic probation on my first quarter of grad school. now you might think "well gee those working conditions you listed above sound awful, i'm sure others were in the same boat" NO SIR- im pretty sure im one of only 2 students that were placed on probation...like cha boy went from being top of their class with a 3.99 GPA to being potentially the worst student in the cohort and a sub-3.0 GPA in grad school. girlboss behavior.

A N D T H E N- when i came home for the holidays i discovered that e v e r y s i n g l e c o s t u m e I have made in my career except for the two i took with me had been destroyed, thrown away, or damaged beyond repair while i was gone. like i can't even emphasize to all how fucked up this is hitting me. hypnos is destroyed. lif is SUPER destroyed. Joker, akechi, and aigis had most of their parts thrown away; just to name a few specifically. all of this was news to me and i only discovered it when checking on them to see what i could bring back with me. through the screen i am grabbing you by the shoulders to emphasize that every single godddamn cosplay i have made in my life save for robin and nekomancer have been made completely unwearable. this happened yesterday and i still havent even processed it tbh its just 👁👄👁

and on top of it all, like a goddamn insult cherry on an injury sundae, i watched many of my good friends get engaged or form loving happy relationships while cha boy will likely become a 25 yr old virgin soon bc i continue to struggle to develop relationships/no one irl is interested, my acne is popping tf off, i keep gaining weight for no reason, got a string of terrible haircuts, still cant seem to connect with anyone solidly in cali/have a painfully dilapidated and isolated social life with only a few acquaintances, GOT INTO TWO CAR ACCIDENTS IN ONE DAY, broke my hand during a midterm that i then failed, like!!! tell me that isnt girlboss behavior ✨💅

to conclude this internet overshare; thats the year ive had up until now. i keep thinking 2022 will be better but i also fully know that theres no reason for any of this stuff to abide by a calendar and that realistically when dec 31st becomes jan 1st its just hell and pain and misery and suffering forever actually

#shockingly most of the bad things that happened had fuckall to do with covid #BUT LADS IM TELLING YOU THERES STILL TIME I WOULD NOT BE SURPRISED IF AT THE LAST MINUTE GOD THROWS THAT ONE AT ME #also wouldnt be shocked if i forgot some stuff #like hopefully yall will agree with me when i just say #goddamn

[transdib]

i thnk im in a pretty..worrying situation with myself, where im noticing that ive pretty much gotten to a point where...im...afraid? anxious? about even existing or showing my existence? even more specifically, being proud of myself? like its gotten to the point where i was in an animation project and my artist name was in the credits and i got...? not even excited or proud...i just felt...ashamed and afraid and almost like....idk....just anything beside proud of myself, i guess scared of the exposure. i dont know when or why ive developed this complex...but im just so afraid of doing anything...posting anything...maybe its because of past friend stuff where my year level turned against me and made up this whole fake narrative that i was “narcissistic and needed to be taken down a peg about my art” because i was achieving high in my art grades (among many other rumours like i was fucking the teachers to achieve my grades and essentially got socially exiled and it became a whole drama that even the teachers got involved in...this was 6 years ago now but ive only just unpacked now how much it actually affected me)

and i think, genuinely, thats a big reason why this thought pattern started up. these thought patterns of “i cant be proud of myself bc im sure my friends are all talking behind my back thinking im up myself, my art issnt even that good and im clearly delusional, they feel sorry for me for not getting much attention on my art” but i guess these fears and anxieties have been with me for a long time

because. sigh.

ive wanted to do youtube for so so so long, ive watned to stream, do my etsy, do my animation/animatics, do all these things and let myself explore my art and creativity, but every single time i try to do it i just....fall flat. easily convinced myself its not wroth it, that people are going to receive it negatively, specifically my friends are gonna use my accomplishments as a reason to hate me. 

im so comfortable in being a learner, being small, being told what to do, being the “baby” at work who is still the least trained there, its easy for me to be complacent, agreaable, everything likeable. and it makes me scared that people only like me because im someone who will let them talk and agree with them. i feel myself ignoring my instincts time and time again, pushing it all down, and its gotten to the point where i dont actually think im in-tuned to my emotions at all. i used to think i was, and i ...WAS....but emotions equal danger, because standing up for myself is dangerous. because it causes danger. 

i dont have a backbone in how i want things to go or my opinions because i genuinely dont even think about how im feeling in the moment, i dont even think about what i want in a situation, because i just hear what the other person wants and i immediately go with that. and it leads to me just beign a passive onlooker in my own life, reinforces that anger that is bubbling deeper and stronger inside me.

and i dont know how to get out of this.

i feel my brain is broken beyond repair sometimes.

im tired of being so mentally ill and a victim of myself.

im tired of holding myself to such a high standard where i ignore my needs.

im just. sick of it.

#life of doge #negative - #idk what this is #maybe i'll write to tumblr more idk im just. not copng

[jeonchan26]

Don’t Show Up Now (Changbin)

The club was packed, walking in with your friends. This was the first time you have gone out since Changbin and you broke up. 

Flashback

You were waiting for Changbin to come home from work. But like always he was late, you sigh as you started to put the food away that you had prepared for the dinner. He had promised you he was going to come home early but like every other promise he had made, he broke it. 

As you were putting the food away, you heard the front door open and close. You stayed quiet and continued to do what you were doing. You heard him sigh, “Babe I’m sorry I completely forgot about our plans today. We have a deadline and I can’t miss it” he said walking up to you to hug you but you moved away. 

You just nodded, it was always the same excuse. You knew that the moment you agreed to be his girlfriend it was going to be a bit hard due to his idol life. But you were willing to sacrifice everything for him. “It’s fine Im used to you not keeping your promises” you said back with a weak smile.  You heard Changbin groan in annoyance as soon as you said those words.  “You know what you signed up when you agreed to be my girlfriend” 

““I know Changbin but it will be nice if you kept your promises. I mean the other boys make time for it girlfriends why can’t you. Is it that hard for you to?” I said annoyed and angry.

“FUCK WHY WOULD I WANT TO COME HOME TO YOU BITCHING AND NAGGING ABOUT STUPID PLANS THAT ARENT WORTH MY TIME. THE OTHER BOYS DONT HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS TYPE OF SHIT BUT I DO AND ITS ANNOYING. THEY LOVE THEIR GIRLS ENOUGH TO DEAL WITH IT.” He yelled.  You felt everything stop you looked at him hurt, tears threatening to fall down. ““You dont love me enough to do that stuff with me?” You stared at him in disbelief.

“No I don’t. It’s hard coming home to you that’s why I come home so late so I don’t have to see you” he groaned. 

“FUCK THEN LEAVE. WTF ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE? YOU WANT OUT THEN GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE” you said throwing a plate on the ground breaking, just like your relationship.  “GLADLY! THE GUYS WILL COME TOMORROW TO COLLECT MY STUFF.” With that he was gone slamming the door behind him.

The next day his friends arrived to collect his stuff like he promises they all said hi and apologize for his attitude but you didn’t care. They were giving you pity looks like you needed them. 

End of Flashback.

It’s took you weeks to finally get out of the house but your friends decided that enough. So tonight you decided to wear the sexiest outfit you had and get fucked up. Your friends dragged you to the bar and order two rounds of shots, it felt good being out of the house and hanging out with your friends. You favorite song came out and you dragged your friends to the dance floor. 

You were grinding on your friends when all the sudden one of them sculled you’re arm making you look at her with a questioning look. 

“Isn’t that Changbin?” She pointed at the bar. 

You turned to look and there he was with his friends and what look like his new girl. You won’t lie and say that it didn’t hurt seeing him with someone else. It’s taken you weeks to get over him and there he was with another girl around his arm. You scoff but you were going to show him you were good without him, even if you went home crying yourself to sleep. 

““Who cares! Come one let’s keep dancing.”  You told your friend, the song Don’t Start Now by Dua Lipa start playing making your friends and you scream the lyrics out. You were a good dance one of the many things that Changbin loved about you. You were grabbing all the guys attention and honestly you were loving it.

Chan saw you in the middle of the dance floor, tapping Changbin. “Hey man isn’t that (y/n)?” He asked Changbin point towards your direction.

Changbin stood frozen as he saw you dancing. Damn you were looking good, he thought.

“Eh whatever Man we broke up weeks ago. Who cares” he said turning away but still in his view.

You saw Chan point towards you but you didn’t mind. He gets to stare all he wants, he can see what he is missing.

All the sudden you felt arms around your waist. You turned your head to see a cute looking guy smiling down at you. Honestly stuff like this would always make you upset but today you decided to just let it happened and start grinding on him.

If Changbin could bury the guy under 6 feet he would of. How can you let some guy just rub up on you like that. Changbin remember when he first met you, you had just pushed a guy away from touching with your your permission. He was pissed that you let some random dude touch what’s his.

“Hey Man you okay?” Seungmin asked as he noticed the glared Changbin was giving you and the guy.

“Yea I’ll be right back” he said walking to the bathroom leaving the girl he brought alone. She wasn’t his girlfriend or anything she was just a random girl they met on the way here but she was extra flirty with Changbin that he decided why not. He never expect to see you here out of all places. He went back to his friends ordering more drink glancing your way every now and then.

You on the other hand were just enjoying being free. You turned your body to face the guy. Damn you couldn’t lie he was hot but not as hot as Changbin.

“Whats your name?”

“Jackson”

“(Y/n)!” You yelled back at him.

“Well (y/n) You are very beautiful and might I just say you’re a pretty good dancer.” You giggled at his comment getting closer to him feeling his breath on your face. Both of you leaning in but before your lips touch you were pulled away from the Jackson, from the club and into Changbin’s car.

“Changbin what the hell!?” You yelled as he started the car driving away.

Changbin was quiet but you could tell he was pissed. His knuckles were white from how tight he was holding on the steering wheel and he was breathing hard.

“Changbin you better have a good fucking explanation on to why you just pulled me away from that guy!” You said crossing your arms.

Parking at the dorms, Changbin got out opening the door for you and pulling you out dragging you into his room. You didn’t even fight it because you wanted this but you also wanted him to explain yourself. And let’s be honest when Changbin is mad you couldn’t really do much but wait til he calmed down.

Slamming the door to his room he turned towards you. “Really you’re gonna ask me why I pulled you away! You were literally grinding on that guy that you just met.” He yelled throwing his hands in the air.

“Okay and What wrong with that? Everybody does it Changbin. Plus last time I checked I’m single”

“The hell you are! The girl I met 3 years ago didn’t not let some guy just walked up to her and let him grind his dick on her!” You could tell he was frustrated but so were you. He had no right to get involved in your personal life.

“Yea but that girl changed after getting heartbroken by the guy that she loves!” She covered her mouth a little to late. Turning her back towards him, holding back her tears. She took a deep breath.

“(Y/n), I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have broken up with you.” You didn’t let him finish. 

““No you don’t get to say that too me. You hurt me, broke me Beyond repair and now when I finally want to move on and live my life you want to come back. No Changbin.” You said with tears in your eyes. ““It doesn’t work like that”

““I know I made a mistake and hurt you but it was never my intention. Yes, I hurt you and I will never forgive myself for that. I Love you more than anything in this world. The only reason I left was because I felt like I didn’t deserve you. I was so busy and I wasn’t giving you the time that you needed. I saw the other guys were giving their partners the time and I just felt like you shouldn’t have to be waiting for me to come home. You didn’t deserve to waste your time on someone like me.” He sigh running his hands through his hair. 

“You dont  to decided what I want. I always wanted you, shit I think I’ll always will because you are it for me Binnie. I love you more than anyone in this world.”  You said pulling him close to you. 

He looked into your eyes and you felt his lips on yours. Losing yourself in the kiss, ““I love you more than you know and leaving you was the dumbest decision I’ve ever made.” 

““Well binnie you have a lot of making up to do” you giggled.  “you bet I do!” He said picking you up and taking you to his bed.

#seo changbin #skz #stray kids changbin #stray kids angst #stray kids scenarios #skz changbin #seo Changbin angst #skz fluff #seo Changbin fluff #changbin fluff #skz imagines

[dvp95]

quiet on widow’s peak (10)

pairing: dan howell/phil lester, pj liguori/sophie newton/chris kendall rating: teen & up tags: paranormal investigator, mystery, online friendship, slow burn, strangers to lovers, nonbinary character, trans character, background poly, phil does some buzzfeed unsolved shit and dan is a fan word count: 2.8k (this chapter), 32.4k (total) summary: Phil’s got a list of paranormal experiences a mile long that he likes to share with the world. Abandoned buildings, cemeteries, and ghost stories have always called his name, and a particular fan of his has a really, really good ghost story.

read this chapter on ao3 or here!

They try everything. Sophie handles the cameras and phones while Phil and Chris spend way too long cleaning up files on their laptops and doing what they can to get any clear images out of the mess. It's no use. By the time PJ returns from driving Dan home, all they've accomplished is figuring out that the corruption is on their devices, not on the exported files. No matter what they do, the videos and pictures they took have the effect of being scrambled, like someone has pressed fast forward and also put a noise filter over them. The sound is no better - there's a high-pitched sort of ringing in all of the video and audio recordings that Phil can't understand the source of. Some files won't open altogether.

"How does this even happen?" Sophie mutters, bent over Chris' phone with a furrowed brow. "There's nothing left. Like, at all."

"We still have footage from the first night," says Phil. He's trying his very best to stay positive, but this is unbelievably frustrating. They experienced something last night, even if they can't agree on what it was, and they're supposed to start driving back to Brighton before it gets too dark. They don't have time for this. "With the shadow, you know."

His friends make grunts of irritated agreement. Phil knows that all of them are disappointed and a little angry about the lack of evidence for their hellish night, almost like they went through it for nothing, but he doesn't have anything comforting to say.

Phil has never been very good at comfort. He's good at distracting people and forcing optimism, but seeing such visceral emotions from his usually mild housemates makes him want to retreat into himself. He takes his glasses off to rub at his eyes, fighting off a budding headache.

"That's not really enough for a video, though, is it," says PJ. "I mean, you're not going to convince anyone with just a shadow."

"Well, we can't stay to try and get more," Chris says with a little huff.

"I can," Phil points out. He doesn't think he wants to, really, because this whole situation skeeves him out and going back alone would not help, but he needs there to be a purpose to his friends' suffering or he'll never forgive himself. He stares at his unfocused laptop screen, full of files that don't work, and wonders if they're going to bother to try and stop him. "I mean, you guys all have work tomorrow. I don't have anywhere to be. And I kind of want to see this through, so I can, like… take the train home when it's done."

There's a moment of quiet. Phil feels his shoulders tense at the possibility that he's going to have to argue his way into this. It's his job. Plus, he already knows his parents are going to have a problem with him staying longer to investigate, and fighting with yet another set of well-meaning people is more than he wants to do.

"Normally I'd be like, whatever," says PJ. "You know what you're doing and you do this sort of shit alone all the time. But, Phil, how the fuck do you think the paralysis will work if you're by yourself?"

"I won't try to sleep there," Phil decides, shoving his glasses back onto his face. "That's the only time it's happened, right? When people are already falling asleep?"

PJ's mouth twists unhappily, but he doesn't protest further. Phil wonders if he's actually won this argument or if PJ is just too tired from bickering with Dan about cryptids, or whatever they talked about on the drive. Thinking about Dan is a distraction, and not exactly a welcome one. Phil doesn't know how he feels - or even if he should be feeling anything at all - and he doesn't want to add that crisis on top of the one he's already dealing with.

"So you're just going to go there," says Chris. "Alone. And then poke around and go home?"

"That's what I do in most haunts."

"Fair play. Carry on."

It's almost funny how quickly PJ's expression nosedives into aghast. "What? That's it? You're not putting up more of a fight?"

"Why bother?" Chris asks with a little shrug. "He's a stubborn bellend."

"Hey," Phil half-heartedly protests. His friends don't deign to acknowledge it.

"You should bring a sigil with you," says Sophie. Her voice is soft and tired, but her eyes are kind in a way that PJ and Chris don't bother to be. "Why don't you bring something down that you'd have on you, and we'll all put something on it?"

"Really?" Chris asks. It's impossible to tell what he's thinking. Phil doesn't know if he thinks the idea is good or stupid, but he nods after Sophie does. "Alright, we can do that."

PJ is looking off into the distance while cogs seem to turn in his head. "Something you'll have physically on you, Philly, since we can't put it on your skin itself. Let us draw on your glasses or jacket or -"

"Knickers," Chris chimes in.

"Or your knickers," PJ agrees, far more solemnly than Phil thinks is necessary.

It doesn't seem like it'll actually help, but Phil feels so much affection and gratitude for his friends wanting to protect him in any way they can that he doesn't argue.

Phil doesn't really like the idea of going to the Wilkins place alone, either, but he's a lot more comfortable doing that than dragging his innocent friends along for the awful ride again. He thinks about Sophie's kind eyes staring up at the ceiling blankly, the way PJ gasped when he woke up, Chris trying to hide his own concern about the situation, and he feels his resolve stiffen even more.

Maybe he is a stubborn bellend. This is his responsibility, though. It's not right for him to keep asking for help. Phil lets the conversation flow to what snacks they're going to get for the drive and thinks about how he's going to break the situation to his parents.

--

It doesn't feel as satisfying to shut the door of his childhood bedroom, now. Maybe it's the fact that he's too mature to slam it, or maybe it's that the room itself isn't the haven it used to be. All the neutral colours and boring pieces of art are like a constant visual reminder that his life isn't here anymore.

He doesn't want it to be here. That isn't the problem. It feels stupid if he thinks about it for too long, but he grew up in this house. He's got scars from the sharp corners of the old furniture and more memories than he has in any other singular location. Sure, it makes sense that his parents are retiring and want to downsize from a big, empty house, but Phil really isn't comfortable with this level of change. He kind of assumed he'd always be able to come visit and feel at home again.

Phil sinks onto the mattress. For a long moment, he seriously considers going to sleep. It's barely past seven, but he didn't sleep well this morning. At least if he's unconscious he doesn't need to deal with the crushing weight of his parents' disappointment and worry.

The decision is made for him when his phone buzzes with a notification from Tumblr.

tell ur parents thanks for letting me stay and tell pj thanks for bringing me home and tell urself thanks for the uhhhh experience lmao its deffo not one im gonna forget anytime soon

Phil huffs a laugh and gets comfortable. You're very welcome. I'll tell them when I come out of hiding.

arent you in a very small car on your way to brighton mate… how tf do you manage to hide in there when youre huge

Oh I'm not in the car, I'm still at my parents' place. It's a long story and I hate typing a bunch on my phone. Phil grimaces at himself for the way that sounds, like he's cutting off any questions Dan might have before they ask. He sends another message. Voice call me on Skype or something if you wanna hear about my no good, very bad day.

He doesn't expect Dan to actually call him, let alone immediately, but Phil's phone starts buzzing with a Skype call before he's collected himself enough to find his headphones. He's still detangling while he answers with a sheepish, "Oh, hello!"

"Hi," says Dan. Their voice is low and amused, and Phil can't believe how nice it is to hear after only a handful of hours.

"I'm woefully unprepared, as per usual," Phil rambles, finally getting his headphones in and grinning at the bland wall in front of him. Nobody is here to judge him for it. "You, er, got home alright?"

"Obviously yes," says Dan. "So, you had a bad day?"

"'Cause you had a bad day," Phil sings back to them. The sound of Dan's giggle makes any embarrassment worth it, he thinks. "Yeah, uh, it was rough. So we wanted to look over the footage from last night to see what the camera caught, y'know, but… I don't know how, I don't have an explanation for it, but everything is corrupted. Our audio, our video, our photos. They're all beyond repair."

There's a few moments of silence, where Phil would think Skype had frozen if he couldn't still hear the faint music on Dan's end. Then, "What? You - what? We don't have anything?"

Phil likes the sound of 'we'. He probably shouldn't.

"We tried everything," Phil explains, his heart feeling heavy all over again at the reminder that they spent hours terrified for nothing. "But the corruption isn't even in the exported files, it's on our devices themselves. Chris' phone, our cameras… they're all fucked."

"If you're swearing, it must be fucking serious," says Dan. Phil wants to interrupt then, explain that his policy on bleeping out curses is more about staying monetized and keeping his parents happy than any personal morals, but Dan has already shot past the topic at the speed of light. "So basically we've got no proof we were ever there, let alone that something weird happened - which I'm not saying is some kind of fucking paranormal shit, by the way, but it was weird - and now you've got nothing to make a video with and I never should have told you about this place to begin with?"

"Dan, breathe." Phil waits until he's sure that Dan is at least trying to follow the directive. "It's okay. I'm glad you brought me here. And that's why I'm still in town - I'm going to get more footage."

"Not alone, you're not," Dan says fiercely.

"Peej and the other Scoobs already went home. I just didn't go with them."

"I don't care where your friends are," says Dan. Phil can almost see their hand waving dismissively. "You're not going back there alone. End of story."

The clear insistence in Dan's voice should be getting Phil's back up against the wall. He hates being told what to do with his own projects, needs to be in complete control whenever possible. Instead, he finds himself thinking that it's sweet of Dan to worry like that.

Christ, but he's got it bad.

"I'm still in town either way," Phil says, picking at a loose thread in his sleeve absent-mindedly. "Which my parents are, uh, not thrilled about."

"Really?" Dan sounds genuinely surprised. "They seem like they really love you, mate."

Love has never been the issue. That feels strange to think, cocky almost, but Phil has never really worried that his parents won't love him. Even with the secrets he keeps from them and their fears about the way he lives his life, the worst he's ever expected is disappointment. That just isn't the way their relationship works.

"Oh, they do," says Phil. "But they hate my job, and they think that it's stupid of me to keep investigating a place that clearly doesn't want to be investigated. They believe in ghosts and demons and all that jazz, y'know, they think I'm inviting evil into my life, so they said they'd let me stay here while I work but that we're going to have a 'serious discussion' about my life trajectory when I'm done."

"Ouch. I'd hate that conversation."

"Trust me, it's going to suck. I just got the preview today, and I already know I'm going to want to run away to Iceland."

There's a beat. Then, Dan says, "At least when you're there you can look into the hidden people. You know, the Icelandic elves or whatever that live in a parallel world. That seems up your alley."

"Your mum lives in a parallel world," Phil mutters.

Dan giggles. The sound of it is soft, like they're aware of their own volume, and Phil remembers that Dan lives in some kind of housing with a bunch of other students. He still loves the sound, so much so that he drifts into a nonsensical daydream of making Dan laugh as much as possible and almost misses Dan's voice coming through his headphones again.

"Since you're still in town," Dan is saying, and Phil makes a conscious effort to tune back in, "you should come by the shop tomorrow. I have an early class, but I'm starting work at eleven."

The prospect of seeing Dan again is such a good one that Phil doesn't even hesitate before he's agreeing. It'll be a bit of an effort to get out of bed early enough to avoid his parents and catch Dan for a good amount of time, but Phil feels like it's definitely going to be worth it. He likes Dan, likes being around them if absolutely nothing else, and the ill-advised butterflies in his stomach aren't enough to make him fall on the side of finding this a bad idea.

It isn't until after he's hung up and getting himself a sandwich so he doesn't have to eat an awkward dinner with his parents that Phil realises he's going to have Dan all to himself tomorrow. Well, to himself and to whatever patrons come into the coffee shop. The force of those warm eyes, just focused on him… it's going to test Phil in a way he's not sure he's ready for.

He turns away from the fridge and almost jumps out of his skin.

"Mum," he complains, free hand clutched to his chest. "Don't just stand there, you scared me!"

A smile tugs at Kath's lips, but her arms are crossed and her eyes are staring into Phil's very soul. He feels cornered all of a sudden, like he ought to be clawing for escape.

"Philip," she says, all warmth. There's that slight edge that he remembers so clearly from mishaps as a child, but for the most part it seems like she isn't here to lecture him. He imagines that's going to come from both of them. "This thing that you insist on doing… it's dangerous. You must know that, love."

Phil doesn't actually know that. For the most part, his career hasn't given him anything but boredom and a complex about his own creativity. It's just the odd cases, the ones like the Wilkins house, that get him squirrelly.

"I know, mum," he says anyway. It isn't worth the argument. "But this is my job."

"It doesn't need to be," she presses, and Phil realises that his assumption was very, very wrong. They're going to divide and conquer. She continues like she hasn't noticed the way his whole body is tensing up. "You have such a wonderful mind and loads of ambition, my dear. And that imagination! Gosh, you could do anything that you set your mind to."

Anything he set his mind to - if he actually tried. Phil can hear the words that she isn't saying, that his dad will have no trouble voicing later, and he feels the familiar burn in his throat like he's going to start crying.

He won't. He doesn't cry much, as a rule, but he's well-acquainted with the sensation of holding it back.

"I know that I can," says Phil quietly. He looks down at his sandwich. He isn't very hungry anymore. "Mum, I'm not - I don't do this because I - you know, I like my job."

That's not exactly the truth anymore, but Phil is also well-acquainted with the art of lying to his mother. She doesn't need to know about the doubts that plague Phil, the way that he's felt like he's slogging through videos until they catch his interest properly. That's something he can figure out on his own. He forces his eyes back up at her to drive the point home with a sincere, pleading sort of look.

Her mouth twists, unhappily this time.

"You need to grow up sometime, Phil," she says, so soft that it almost cushions the devastating blow of her words.

Almost.

#quiet on widow's peak #words words words

[london-mcgarr]

Big Picture People: Genre & Audience

Dear Gram,

I know you trusted me with your car and assumed that I would be focusing all my attention on getting from point A to point B safely, but the truth is I screwed up. I decided that texting Cassie was more important than the turn I was making, and long story short, both cars are headed for repairs. Thankfully, no one was hurt, but that does not excuse the fact that I destroyed the trust you had in me. I remember the first time that Grandpa took me for a ride in this car- he spent the whole time talking about how he met you. A few years later, he taught me how to drive in this same car, and again he couldn’t stop talking about you. For some reason, Gram, I think this car reminded him of how happy he was whenever he was with you- driving you to the hair salon, going to Church, or just lazy Sunday drives with the radio on as you headed to our house for dinner. Even though Grandpa can’t be here to hold my hand this time, I know that it was him who protected me from getting hurt. I think a part of him still lives on in this car, and in time, I hope that I can make this up to you. You and I both know that I am better than this. I am at a loss for words to describe to you how sorry I am because I know that words alone cannot rebuild the faith you once had in me. This is all my fault Gram, and I only have the Lord to thank for sparing the lives of the other driver and myself. I find comfort in knowing that the memories we had with Grandpa in this car, will live far beyond the car itself. I just hope that one day, I can find a way to make up for this.

I love you, Gram.

Love,

London

Dear Dr. Brennan,

I want to start by apologizing for my absence from the test today- I know you have made it very clear that such an event is deserving of a zero. However, for reasons beyond my control, I am hoping that you will see that my absence was unavoidable. I was unfortunately in a car accident on my way to your class, one that caused severe damage to my car and that of the other driver. Thankfully, we are all walking away from the accident, but that does not change the fact that by the time the police had cleared the scene, the test was already over. I cannot express to you how regretful I am that I could not make it to the midterm today, but seeing as though the greater forces of nature saw it best to spare my life today, I am hoping that you see it fit, as well, to do the same. I would be beyond gracious if you would allow me to retake this midterm, Dr. Brennan. I studied for so long and I am prepared to my best on this exam. I understand that there may be no exceptions, but after having the day I had, I saw no reason that I shouldn’t at least ask. Again, I am very sorry to have missed the test at the scheduled time today, and I hope that you will consider my plea. Hope you have a safe and happy evening.

Sincerely,

London McGarr

Holy shit, bro!!!! I legit just got into a fucking car accident like idk wtf im gonna tell my grandma bc i was driving HER car!! I mean t god no one was hurt but the car is trashed and my parents are gonna kill me bc i was on my phone when it happened. Rip me :( ill text you after i talk to them

-London

Sadly, even with writing, people thrive on having a set of norms and regulations- even small misuses of punctuation or language are enough to turn an audience away from appreciating a piece in its entirety. These inconsistencies can feel like a violation of the unwritten author-audience code that essentially spells out how one must write in order to maintain their readers’ attention. As we discussed earlier, the rhetorical situation determines the rhetoric which, in turn, will inspire the audience to make changes. However, in order to respond to the rhetorical situation, the writer must take into account the who he intends to respond to and in what way. Genres are the written word’s way of making a short-cut to the intended audience in the most effective way for said audience, and thus genres, “form systems that realize social motives, and how they shape the identities of participants” (Yanez 15). Therefore, considering the audience determines whether or not you evoke the change you sought by writing in the first place. Just take this class, for example; many students intend to get an A in their courses and their writing often reflects what they think the professor wants to hear- but, considering your audience and becoming your audience are completely different. Good writing occurs when the reader doesn’t realize that they were the audience considered.

[kyohiba]

Xue Yang’s 420 Punishing Reincarnations AU

REINCARNATION AU

but who is he if he doesnt ruin it all tho

ssyifpfff🌙 OH YES

35m 34 minutes ago yeeting patriarch he ruins some stuff but not on the Did Everything Wrong & Ruined Everything level like he did

he could reincarnate n still find song lan bc hes..... basically immortal now

ssyifpfff🌙 n he helps heal xxcs n a-qins soul

34m 33 minutes ago yeeting patriarch like? mass murder of a sect over his pinky? Ok. using the goodness of xiao xingchen and breaking his soul beyond repair?? Too Much

ssyifpfff🌙 yea tht sect was full of dicks tbh but xxc was Angel

33m 33 minutes ago YES

what about xue yang paying off with some reincarnations

with each of them, he learns something

yeeting patriarch and pays for what he did and starts to Realize

ssyifpfff🌙 SLOW BURN CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT ASDFGHJK

32m 31 minutes ago yeeting patriarch in all those reincarnations, he meets painful ends

ssyifpfff🌙 in one of them he goes blind

32m 31 minutes ago but each makes him Learn And Pay

HOLD UP

and then, in the one where he manages to help song lan with the souls of xxc and a-qing

his next one, where the three meet again song lan

HES BLIND

hes still pretty much a petty grudge holding chaotic bastard little shit but with no murder or scheming

but his pay offs didnt end

yeeting patriarch with xxc and a-qing back, he still gotta pay off for what he did

ssyifpfff🌙 once he helps rebuild their souls they should b able to reincarnate too, n they can find each other u___u

29m 28 minutes ago xue yang: *reincarnates again* ayyy wassup song lan song lan: song lan: There We Go Again

wait i think people shouldn't have their past life memories right

yeeting patriarch BUT XUE YANG GETS THEM AS A PART OF HIS PUNISHMENT !?

xue yang in every reincarnation: ah shit here we go again

YES HE NEEDS TO AS PUNISHMENT

WHO PUNISHES HIM??? WE DO

ssyifpfff🌙 GET FUCKED XUE YANG LMAO

26m 25 minutes ago IFENSKSITNESOZFWJKSHS

yeeting patriarch xue yang we love u but u DESERVE

BITCHES GET STITCHES

in one of his reincarnations he trusts some1 n they betray him by killing him

in another one he is born into a loving family but they all get murdered

ssyifpfff🌙 dam thts a lot of years of damage if hes gonna rmmbr them all lmao

23m 22 minutes ago ssyifpfff🌙

22m 21 minutes ago IGEBEKIDTVEKSOZGBSLSUGWKS

It's What He Deserves

it's all for him to Learn

yeeting patriarch learn to accept his punishment, learn about the wrongdoings he did...

ssyifpfff🌙 learn to love back u_u and to accept kindness

20m 19 minutes ago learn to forgive n move on

"i have nvr in my life yelled at a girl like this. whn my mama yell at me its bc she love me. i was rooting for u we were all rooting for u hOW D

ssyifpfff🌙 LEARN FROM THIS"

19m 18 minutes ago the reincarnation he finally meets xiao xingchen again and a-qing he holds grudges like a normal person. and it's just ur average tsundere

yeeting patriarch we cannot wipe out completely the chaotic bastard essence he has

ssyifpfff🌙 DO THEY RECOGNIZE HIM???

18m 17 minutes ago OH MY GOD

yeeting patriarch DO THEY

mayb its like those AUs where they DONT exactly but

they Know theres some1 in there they met once

theres a familiarity

ssyifpfff🌙 he Knows its them tho

17m 16 minutes ago yeeting patriarch it would be Too Cruel for xiao xingchen to remember him...

TRUUUU

GASP Maybe to help xxc n a-qins soul he has to give up his own

ssyifpfff🌙 i mean, give his life

16m 15 minutes ago so they only get that Familiarity Vibe

maybe some fragmented dreams

yeeting patriarch FUKC

ssyifpfff🌙 YESSSS DREAMS

15m 15 minutes ago then, after he gives his own life to help xxc and a-qings souls

the next reincarnation

where the three are all born again

yeeting patriarch he Finally doesnt remember all his past lives

THEY JUST FEEL FAMILIAR TO EACH OTHER

ssyifpfff🌙 Y A S

14m 7 minutes ago there is still stuff for him to go through

he finally paid off most of his punishment

yeeting patriarch THE STRINGS OF FATE BRING THEM TOGETHER

ssyifpfff🌙 oooOOOOOOOH

13m 6 minutes ago yeeting patriarch im so sorry for song lan tho boi deserves his Rest & Fresh New Reincarnation too :(

maybe this time he has to Work to be loved. whn he met xxc he was just accepted w/o question. this time he needs to earn love

yea............. idk how it would work w a fierce corpse

guess he would have to Perish first

oH MAYBE

bc theres 2 souls to heal (xxc and a-qin) there needs to be 2 sacrifices

ssyifpfff🌙 thus song lan needs to Perish n then he can re enter the reincarnation circle

11m 4 minutes ago yeeting patriarch I NEED TO COPY, PASTE & EDIT THIS WHOLE CONVO. WE CANNOT LET THIS AU BE LOST IN OUR DMS

DO IT NYARI SAFE GUARD IT

ssyifpfff🌙 N USE IT TO CONVERT PPL INTO XUE YANG CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT AU

9m 2 minutes ago WE ARE AT IT AGAIN BEING DOGS

GODS******

yeeting patriarch quite literally being gods and doing what we want with the characters fates

DOGS

the only dog here is xue yang lmao

ssyifpfff🌙 if we dont, whos gonna do it????

4m 6 seconds ago OH ALSO

in all those punishing reincarnations, xue yang has quite a short lifespan

yeeting patriarch he never lives up his 30s

he has to die at more or less the same age as in his first go

so yea not to his 30s

ssyifpfff🌙 "he has to die" lmao sorry boi.............

3m 4 seconds ago how old was xue yang again

hes quite young right

yeeting patriarch on his 20s

ssyifpfff🌙 :/ im not sure

2m yeeting patriarch let's make it up he wont reach the 30s and it's ok

YEA LMAO

tbh idk the ages of any of the characters

only jin ling

ssyifpfff🌙 n sizhui

57s yeeting patriarch going thru the 20s only so many times is some punishment ksjdhgfshdj

LMAO TBH

WE RLY MAKING HIM GO THRU HIS TEENAGE YEARS N THN HIS 20S N THTS IT

ssyifpfff🌙 thts the cruelest thing we ever done

OH

yknow The Final Reincarnation

xxc, song lan and a-qing have this sense xue yang is Familiar

xue yang does as well

but hes the only one who gets the most fragmented dreams

the others get fragmented blurred light memories in dreams

this makes them Question xue yang

and thus this time he has to Work to have their affection

mostly xxc's, ofc

with song lan and a-qing it'll be a bit of a cat and dog frenemies thingy

yeeting patriarch (xue yang as the cat, ofc)

frenemies is all he has lmao + xxc

song lan.......................................... he wont rmmbr righgt¿

asdfghjfhg the fragments he gets are gonna be abt him n xxc too

ssyifpfff🌙 thts gonna Hurt

1m 10 seconds ago YESSSSSSSSSSS

all of them are Clean of Full Past Memories

yeeting patriarch but FATE will bring them all together (modern setting au)

song lan we will find u love this time around

10m 50 seconds ago xxc, song lan and a-qing will all get all the good stuff

only xue yang will still go thru some Missions

well.

if we will have poly xxc with song lan and xue yang

song lan will get some Punishment by default GSDHJFOISU9DYFGHJDS

it's okay, xue yang will be 69x times better this life around, so

he will only have to up with xue yangs dramatic ass in the name of love for xxc

yeeting patriarch i mean back then he did leave xxc and only came back yeeeaaars later in Regret

ssyifpfff🌙 ACTUALLY UR RIGHT HE MESSED UP TOO

6m yeeting patriarch enduring an updated and polished xue yang is OK

ssyifpfff🌙 bsides ..... whn they work together to bring xxc n a-qins soul back they're gonna start getting along a bit more

5m yeeting patriarch YES

ssyifpfff🌙 xue yang will have gone thru development by tht point

5m yeeting patriarch he will witness the path of xue yangs reincarnations

OMG IMAGINE THEM HAVING TO GO ON ADVENTURES TOGETHER FOR XXC

OMG SONG LAN THE SILENT WATCHER OF XUE YANGS STRUGGLES

ssyifpfff🌙 MAYHAPS HE MIGHT EVEN COME TO FEEL FOR HIM

4m by the time they all reincarnate, his sense of familiarity will be Different from xxc + a-qings

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

HOLY FUKC YESSSS NYAURORA YES

we did it, we made this amazing poly fucking work

WHAT ABOUT

THIS FINAL REINCARNATION

they kinda get those Family Vibes

a-qing comes a bit later on

yeeting patriarch 2 and a half dads and their daughter

ssyifpfff🌙 2 AND A HALF DADS ASDFGHGHKLJFA

2m yeeting patriarch (and a half because even so much reincarnations, xue yang isnt a proper dad)

hes like a k00l uncle

ssyifpfff🌙 a bit of a bad incluence uncle

2m yeeting patriarch actually this does song like a father to me

ssyifpfff🌙 but tbh if not for his bastardy, xue yang n a-qing would get along so well

1m the fuck up

SOUND*

LIKE

since he will have to earn for a-qings affection

the start will be rough

but later on, theyll be the Chaotic Duo

yeeting patriarch since this time around our xue yang is updated and polished to be the bastard on the right level

IMAGINE

one day into a distant future

all four together

yeeting patriarch with peace, happiness and warmth

ssyifpfff🌙 listenin to mcr?

3m and then

all of sudden

tears start falling from xue yangs eyes

yeeting patriarch hes all ???? about it

ssyifpfff🌙 NYARI

2m yeeting patriarch and the other three are just as shocked

ASDFGHJHG DONT

HES SO HAPPY

THIS TIME AROUND HES HAPPY FINALLY

ssyifpfff🌙 CENTURIES OF HURT

1m yeeting patriarch he doesnt understand why he got so overwhelmed

ssyifpfff🌙 OF HARD WORK TO BE BETTER

1m he cant make the tears stop

xxc gets super worried asking where it hurts

but... nothing hurts

yeeting patriarch THEN HE CRIES HARDER

ssyifpfff🌙 n thts whats making him cry!!! nothing hurts finally n hes glad!!

26s 3 seconds ago yeeting patriarch NOTHING FUCKINF HURTS NYASSHOLE. THIS IS HAPPINESS

ssyifpfff🌙 AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

19s 3 seconds ago yeeting patriarch HOLY SHIT WE DID DONE THAT

the first few reincarnations and how hard it was for xue yang

the stages of grief but thru his many reincarnations

with the last one, before the Modern Setting

him breaking down in front of song lan

finally it all hit him and he gets it

when they manage to sacrifice their souls for xiao xingchen and a-qing's, he even wishes to not be reincarnated again so they can be At Peace without him

yeeting patriarch their lives*

OMG XUE YANG WISHING HE JUST REMAINS DEAD. NOW THT HE HAS FINALLY GOTTEN XXCS SOUL THE LAST TEST IS AN ACT OF REAL SELFLESSNESS.

ssyifpfff🌙 its would b so good?? bc whn he first get introduced to xy his motivation as a character is to get xxcs soul so he can use it for his own good

42m 41 minutes ago n at the end he would GIVE his soul for xxc, for THEIR own good

ssyifpfff🌙 did we just invent character development?

42m 41 minutes ago yeeting patriarch WE MF DID DONE IT AGAIN

ssyifpfff🌙 also purple420 lmao

41m 40 minutes ago yeeting patriarch he Finally embraces all the grief he felt when xxc died

ssyifpfff🌙 HE RECOGNIZES IT AS GRIEF!! BC BFORE HE JUST FELT ANGER AT XXC OF ALL THINGS

41m 40 minutes ago back then, the emotional constipation got in the way and he fucked up

but after so many punishing reincarnations, he finally came to take it all in and Understand

imagine him breaking down so many nights begging to xxc to forgive him in a desperate prayer

and song lan then one day witness it

yeeting patriarch fukc the road with song lan was also such a hard one

song lan seein xy chara development from afar is the best idea weve had in a long time nyari

ssyifpfff🌙 we did that

38m 37 minutes ago in the first few... idk, 10 reincarnations, song lan was so angry. 'why does he keep coming back? why does he have his memories?'

yeeting patriarch fates would always put song lan in xue yangs path

ssyifpfff🌙 Fate (us)

36m 35 minutes ago yeeting patriarch how Dolce it is to imagine xue yang finally taking in grief and regret and it all and breaking down... *kisses fingers like a chief*

by that last time, song lan and xue yang sacrificed their lives, even song lan was already suffering seeing the punishments of all xue yang's reincarnations

he witnessed all of them

yeeting patriarch and saw with his own eyes, ops! with xiao xingchen's eyes, nyeheh. how much xue yang learned and changed

[ts-nightingaleislands]

Episode #8- “people are going to be blindsided and i'm people”- Vincent

Holy guacamole I feel terrible. On one end I have four people who decided to work together and on the other end are people they told I wanted out. I am at a bit of a loss here but I always like a challenge! I'm gonna go finish my thinking, see if it sticks, and go then voice it!

wow how am i even still here because of my strong social connections! just 7ish tribals until the end! that's so much...i have no idea what's about to happen over the next few weeks except that people are going to be blindsided and i'm people a big part of my pitch to rizo and chris was that cheatham is a threat and he needs to go...which is why now that we're all together i'm in an alliance with all of them, as well as austin and noah. this six is absolutely not going to stick together but i'm in the middle so when it falls i'm not taking the hit! annmarie and liam are cool as well, so ideally the merge vote is between sara and kyle. for me i would ideally keep kyle bc he seems less likely to try and blow up the game in a way which is bad for me, like i feel like he may help me down the line. so i'm going to try to push for that. however, neither annmarie or liam are worth saving at this time so if either of their names come up i'm going along with it this is the first time i've merged in nearly a year and i'm ready to overplay and flop!

Right now Im in an alliance with...Austin, Noah, Rizo, Vincent, and Cheatham by the name of Bottom Feeders. Tbh its just irony at this poiint I am going to end up working with people I wanted out but hey that's Survivor!

(LATER)

My plan of action is to talk with Kyle, consider having a aide alliance with him and Rizo where we get AM/Sara/Liam out and then have BF target Cheatham and/or Noah or whoever in F8/F7..stay tuned!

(EVEN LATER)

Mark my words, this week is going to expose Austin! He has Liam/AM/Sara wanting him and then Bottom Feeders so no matter how this immunity goes and tribal, he will be seen sketchy to somebody.

Wow, So last week I decided what was going on bc i have the idol. If Gwen knew how to stop talking then maybe i would’ve. ANYWAYS, this week. So I got put in three alliances. Big Time Thrush (which I was already in from pre merge) which consists of Me, Noah, Austin, and Vincent. Then there is Bottom Feeders, consisting of Me, Noah, Austin, Vincent, Rizo, Chris. Basically Rizo and Chris made that bc they are on the bottom. I don’t trust it at all. Finally, the one that i’m actually sticking with, is The Frock Destroyers, which consists of Me, Noah, Liam, Austin, Ann Marie, and Sara.... JK i’m not working with that. There is a secret 4th alliance that is the same as the last one but without Noah. I know Noah is probably reading this. Basically, I don’t like the way he talks to me. Outside of the game, I would LOVE to stay friends with Noah bc i’m sure he is a great person. INSIDE the game however, i do not appreciate when someone tells me to shut up, calls me an idiot, or tells me i’m stupid. That is NOT okay. He never listens to my ideas and he acts like this idol, is his. This idol is mine PERIOD. I was his puppet early on because i was so busy with life shit. But now i’m realizing the way he is treating me/ using me. And revenge is gonna be awesome.

Ugh....this is like trying to choose which puppy is cuter when both are identical!! It doesn't WERK! Fricken the only people I really trust fully is AnnMarie and Liam but we can't get on the same damn page. AnnMarie leans more towards Rizo/Chris/Kyle but I have DEALT with them and I know how they are. And it's been confirmed that Kyle won't split from Rizo...he said it on call that they're tight. I like Kyle...don't get me wrong...but he leaks EVERYTHING (so do I...but that's different, right?) and twists and turns things. Yes, working with OG Thrush is risky AF, but so is working against the idol and with a [new] trio, some of which have ALREADY voted for you. I mean...I've done this before where I completely flip on my old 'tribe' to work with the other side and I've won...so it isn't impossible. I also generally just don't click with the other side (as in Chris/Kyle/Rizo) as well as I do with the noobs....so even if they are tight....I'm either on the bottom of the original Petrel or the original Thrush. Noah fence....but I like Thrush better and would rather lose to them than Petrel. And that's just the way it is!

So we gave Sara immunity, I want to use it as strategy to possibly have her like me again but we will see if it works. As far everything else, Austin wants Kyle/Rizo gone. I dont know where it leaves me in his ideal pecking order but Im not waiting around long enough to ask.

(LATER)

Nah, Im not accepting this. Im not waiting for Rizo to be voted out to make mends either. Im gonna get this Petrel chat going and maybe it is the one thing that can save him and me. Im not putting all my eggs into the Bottom Feeders basket just yet and sure as heck am not a out to welcome myself to the bottom of the barrel so easily

Wow...a lot has happened. My alliance with Cheatham, Noah, and Austin supposedly merged with Chris and Rizo to create a super alliance. Guess how long that lasted? As far as I can tell, Noah is targeting Austin but tried setting it up to ensure Chris and Rizo take the fall, using information I gave him (not necessarily important info, but something which incriminates Chris/Rizo which I only told him). Austin heard about this, of course, because he's just so good at this game and everyone is gravitating towards him. I've been completely honest with him, so hopefully he has been with me. Originally the vote was supposed to be Rizo, with myself, Austin, Cheatham, Liam, AnnMarie, and Sara on board. This is why Rizo got vote against him at the challenge. However, Rizo has never targeted me personally. Comparing that to Noah, who I have heard from multiple sources was hoping that I was going to be voted out last round, voting to ensure this happened, and it was clear to me that Noah was the bigger threat to my game. Additionally, Cheatham told me things about how condescending Noah would be with him, so at that point I felt like I had to change the vote. Cheatham was on board with it, and I told Austin as well. Liam, Sara, and AnnMarie don't know (as far as I know) as of when I wrote this, but I really don't see a reason as to why they'd not want to vote Noah. After this, it's 9. I don't want to get too far ahead of myself, just to see how the dynamic is structured to truly figure out whether or not Noah is the best move for me. Liam-AM-Sara are essentially a trio, and they're all good with me bc I voted with them and included them all Chris-Rizo will be an even tighter duo, with Kyle as their auxiliary, and they'll all hate me. However, because I pushed the vote off Rizo (which is evidenced by the fact he got the vote at the challenge), I don't think it's fair to say that I ruined these relationships beyond repair, which I would have if Rizo left. Austin is still the most powerful guy in the room, but he's a powerful guy who fully trusts me. Cheatham has the idol, so keeping him on my good side is essential. To be honest, earlier flushing the idol was my top priority, but now I would not mind if he kept the idol for the rest of the game. Doesn't hurt my game, and as long as Austin is here, why would he take a shot at me? So I think it's fair to say that, based on my current understanding of the dynamic, I am making the best move for my game.

Im gradually realizing Cheatham is the answer. We majorly messed up by not giving him immunity and now I want to talk to him to fix it. Rizo doesnt want me to with fear that it could ruin things but like I cant just sit here and do nothing. He doesnt wanna talk to Austin, Austin doesnt want to talk to him, OG Petrel doesnt want to talk to us, and so really this boils down to us needing to persuade Cheatham. I dont feel right if I dont talk to explain how bad of a decision it was and I'll work to fix it but for now Im just gonna do what Rizo says and wait

Merge !! Wohoo this is where the game starts and I must say I’m playing hard. And it’s starting to backfire. Chris not voting AM out our first Petrel tribal really fucked me because it showed where I lied. I was trying to play both sides and unfortunately it’s biting me in the ass. It’s crazy cuz austin is doing the same thing but it’s working for him. I got last in the challenge because my name is being mentioned and the next target. Austin is clearly the snake and I can’t say I’m mad good for him but he is someone I need out. He mentioned my name to Kyle and with a vote on me already I’m assuming I have 5 votes to my name going into tribal. I know I have Chris and Kyle on board to vote with me. Noah is next to go so he is down to vote with me and I saved Vincent so why wouldn’t he vote me. That leaves 5-5 with cheatham being the swing. I’m trying to convince him that I got his back and I truly do he is a power player With that idol and is a great shield. He is upset he wasent granted immunity by our alliance and that is a valid reason but I don’t want that to cost me my game. Cheatham says he is going to try to take the target off my back but I really want him to vote austin out with Us to make it 6-5 blindside. It would be iconic to get out a big player like austin who is playing a Rob C type of game. It just sucks cuz if I go Kyle and Chris my go too guys are next and austin will steamroll you the end. If it’s my time I played the game how I wanted to play. I’m not going to quit until my torch is snuffed but looking at it now, I have a big uphill battle but if I can pull this off, it goes down in the history books.

(LATER)

Oh shit coming back to you with some great? News. Cheatham and austin came to me stating that they will save me and they want Noah out? Is that what I want? NOPE! Will I do that to stay in the game ? YESSIR! Obviously I want noah to stay cuz he is a shield for me and seems to want to work with me but cheatham says Noah has treated him like shit and austin dislikes him. At this rate I have to lay low and just let austin and cheatham make the move to save me. I’ll tell Chris to vote noah and make sure as much votes go to noah as possible. After noah leaves I can regroup and think of a strategy but tonight the goal is to survive no matter who goes besides Chris and Kyle. I need us 3 to stick together to have a chance. But I might have some life in this game !

Am I a mess for telling Cheatham Bottom Halfs votes in the challenge? Yes. But if it keeps him more likely to want Rizo in then I'll take the consequences

SOOO. OH BOY. I'm in a pretty good alliance with Sara, Liam, cheatham, and Austin. We are all working together against everyone else. I like the comfort, but it's clear that it won't last for long. Apparently Austin is working both sides, and it's just veryyyy frustrating not knowing if there's another plan you're not a part of. I'm doing pretty good developing the trust I have with others, and I'm happy with how I'm doing right now. I want to nap.

So much has happened! So glad that Gwen's elimination went to plan and even ended up unanimous against her, she would've been even more scary in this merge. I've been taking a deliberate backseat in this past challenge because it's messy as fuck & I'd rather everyone else take the heat at the end of the day, I've not heard my name at all & both sides are speaking to me decently regularly so I don't feel in danger at all tonight. I'm hoping the votes to get Rizo eliminated are there because as much as I like the guy he rarely speaks to me & I'm not keeping around people who refuse to speak to me, enjoy ponderosa!

As of now I think the Noah votes over. Noah conveniently is told and only 4 people knew it. So it tells me that Cheatham/Austin probably planned to set us up or something. So now I just want to get Austin to own up to things...which is unlikely

Fuck Kyle lmao chatting shit at tribal with his fake woke bullshit, I'm so over this tribal & I can't wait for it to be over so we can move on and get the rest of this game underway because there's so many more angles I wanna explore & I need the people I know I can't work with on the jury.

9 votes Rizo, 2 votes Austin.

#announcement

[kryptonianbcrn]

SYNOPSIS: Mike ( @ofdaxam ) leaves Haven in a last ditch effort to find medication for an ailing Kara. During his search he runs into a young woman at an abandoned hospital --- Brianna Fraser ( @laidirnighean ). After a short run in with clickers, it’s divulged that the young woman is a doctor and Mike pleads with her to return to Haven and attend to Kara. Brianna agrees and after Kara is treated Mike offers a permanent home for Brianna in Haven.

MIKE MATTHEWS.

He’s staring at his fingers soaked in red blood. His own blood. He almost want to laugh out of pure hysteria. A million thoughts fighting for the forefront of his mind, yet he can’t seem to grasp a single one. It’s a big hospital filled with infected and every single shelf has been ransacked. Except the one lab that had three clickers inside and it was locked from the inside out. He’d punched his way through a window and that’s as far as he’d been able to go through. Mike and Kara had gone through so much — this really couldn’t be it, could it? It was one of his many negative thoughts. Because how much worse could this get? She’s gotten impaled, shot at, she’s been kidnapped and a single scrape would be her demise? And his if he doesn’t save her. “Please open,” He whispers under his breath, his forehead pressed against the cold metal frame. He was tired. Lost two of his men already, sent the rest back to Haven. He kicks the door again, a moment of weakness and frustration. He wants to scream. God be damned, he’s not gonna go without a fight. He pulls his gun out, the nuzzle peeking through the hole he’d managed to punch through and he shoots. Round after round till he’s out of ammo and only one clicker left. “Great idea, Matthews.” He quips sarcastically as he tosses his gun in frustration, “Now how the fuck are you getting in?”

BRIANNA FRASER.

her bag was getting heavy now, the supplies she’d gathered weighing down upon her back. but she needs them, for every town she crosses, for every ill person she comes across, brianna needs them. pulling her gun out from her holster, she settles into the idea of leaving now. finding a place to stay for the night and furthering on her journey to finding roger. that was the plan, medical supplies and all- but shots fire and her attention is shifted to their location. ricocheting around the building like a pierced stone. she pauses, breath catching in her throat at the sound of movement in her direction before she’s running in its direction, eager to find the owner and desperate for zero casualties. its only upon her arrival does she see him, a man outside one of the doors, firing shots and killing the infected that linger inside. leaving one left standing. gun flies to the side in his frustration and her brow quips. within moments, she’s stepping forward, gun angled at the machine that lights its lock and fires. she’s ransacked enough to know now how to get into unauthorized areas. “hold up,” the redhead whispers, pushing it forward and firing to more bullets into their enemies skull, “it’s always two to the card reader,” she nods, placing the gun back into its holster. briefly, she lingers before spotting the blood on his hands, panic sweeping her. “are you hurt?” bree begins, “.....bitten?”

MIKE MATTHEWS.

He’s broken out of his reverie, nearly knocking into the wall in his desperate frenzy to get into the lab. His eyes widen at the sight; a red head, small, young and alone? Mike is confused, shifting back. The last clicker’s dead and she seems to want to help him more than harm him and he’s almost relieved. His breath catches his throat at the prospect of her knowing how to get inside, but he wonders? Would she also need the penicillin he so desperately sought after? He looks to his hand, it was bleeding but it was okay. He’d known better than to shove his fist through a window. “My hand’s beyond repair, but no I’m not infected.” He chuckles, closing his fist, eyes flickering back to the, now, empty lab. “I’m trying to… get penicillin. This is the only place I haven’t checked.” He straights his back, following her direction until the door opens. “Are you by yourself?” He’s almost nervous to know that a young, seemingly good human being is roaming around such dangerous territories. He takes a deep breath, trying to calm his mind. It was strange to meet someone and not have them attack at first sight. He often had to remind himself that not all humans were lost.

BRIANNA FRASER.

her eyes are still focused on his hand now, bag being slung over her shoulder and bandages being pulled out in an instant. “maybe not that kind of infection,” she begins, unwrapping the cloth with her hand and shrugging a shoulder, “but with the amounts of bacteria in the hospital alone, you may just get another kind.” brow raises then as a small smirk settles across her lips and she’s looking back in her bag again, pulling rubbing oil from it and then proceeding to drench the material. wasn’t the most ideal way to heal him up, if anything, he needed stitches, but they would have to make do. “you won’t find any in here,” she chats, still busying herself. “more so the instruments -but i have some, you can take it.” she pauses then, tearing the bandages before halting. his question causes her to give pause before she remembers, beyond his injuries, she does not know this man. and so she stands back a little, hands lowering to her side and twitching next to the gun that rested on her hip, “im alone,” she nods, focusing on him, “but don’t think that leaves me at a disadvantage.”

MIKE MATTHEWS.

He’s suddenly worried about this chatty, but seemingly harmless person. He had questions? Like why are you alone? Why help him? A man that probably to others would seem rather suspicious. He notices it then, how off his question would’ve seemed to anyone alone. “Sorry, I don’t mean to scare you.” He flashes her a sheepish simper, straightening his back, “My wife, she’s got an infection and our town nurse said she needed antibiotics. We ran out months ago.” She had bandages, if hadn’t known better he would’ve pegged her as some sort of paramedic or doctor. Maybe she was. He couldn’t be sure. “Are you — are you a doctor?” His eyes flicker to the bandages and back up to the auburn haired woman, gulping at the thought that he might’ve spooked her to the point he looked like someone who wasn’t trustworthy. “I’m unarmed. That was my last round of bullets.” He nodded towards his discarded firearm as he wipes the blood from his hand against his flannel. He’s too tired at this point. “I really need your help. If you can help. I don’t know how else to help and I can’t lose her. I’ll pay you with anything. We have a lot of resources; food, water and empty houses. Anything.”

BRIANNA FRASER.

she’s very still for a moment, fingers still lingering close to her gun. she’d met a few people along the way, who sought to hurt both infected and uninfected alike, she didn’t need another off chance right here. that trepidation doesn’t last long though, not at the mention of his partner and her illness. because she can see it, the look in his eyes that practically pleads with her to believe him. and she does, without hesitation. this life was difficult enough without having the fragility of common illnesses be in the way. “i know, i barely look old enough to have graduated college, but yes. im a doctor,” she nods to him, face settling into comfort as she steps closer to him, “one that can tell you right now that wiping your hand on your shirt was a dumb idea, and one that doesn’t need payments to check on your wife.” she’s slow in her inflection then, no amount of money would be worth a life. in this situation or another. that’s what her mother had always taught her. with ease, she lifts his hand then, regardless of the necessity of permission. she presumed he’d rather keep it than lose it later down the line. “this is going to sting,” brianna whispers, wrapping the damp cloth around his wounds before tying it neatly upon his knuckles, “ill grab some needles,” she nods, “some disinfectant. and then we can go?” pulling back, she moves to the cabinets, taking whatever she can and packing it into her bag, “what’s your name?”

MIKE MATTHEWS.

He’s taken by surprise as she grabs his hand and tends to it. By the mild sting he could presume it was alcohol soaking the cloth, cleaning his wound as she wraps it tight enough to stop the bleeding. He lets her, because; yes, wiping his hand on his dirty shirt was a stupid idea. Most ideas he’s had today had been anything, but brilliant. In his defense, he hadn’t slept in days and had barely been able to find his way around the dilapidated building. He doesn’t even flinch. Not because it doesn’t hurt, but because his hand was mostly numb after they’d near shattered the whole thing in the early stages of the breakout. “Thank you,” He utters, picking his discarded gun and tossing it into his backpack, "Our place is not too far from here." He keeps an eye out, watching her back as she picks up more supplies. “My name’s Mike,” He replies, leaning his weight against the doorframe after strapping his bag to his back and crossing his arms over his chest. “What’s your name?” Darkness was beginning to push in all around, the whispers of the wind making his hairs stand on the back of his neck. He hated traveling at night with an unreliable flashlight as his guide for his footsteps.

BRIANNA FRASER.

finishing her packing, brianna lofted the bag back onto her shoulders before strapping it across her chest and pulling her gun back from her holster. he was unarmed, she remembered, so one of them had to keep it out. “brianna,” she nods in his direction, “nice to meet you mike.” and it was. it’d been a while since she’d really seen another living soul. two weeks maybe now, she noted. having used her days for multiple supply runs and gathering of medicinal products for when she was finally ready to move on. leaving the fireflies, it left with her with nothing. it was all she could do but get ammo, and weapons and kit herself out. but standing here and talking with a living breathing person? it almost caused her to cry in relief. following behind him, she’s quiet, focusing on the sounds around them and the potential for any danger that could come their way. her own mind lingers with thoughts and feelings, on his “place” in particular. a hand lifts to scratch her cheek as they press on, tongue wetting now dried lips. “is it just you?” she questions, anxiety pressing into her lungs, “just you and your wife, i mean. at the place we’re going? or are there others?”  roger lingered in her mind briefly, hope that maybe he knew this mike playing on her mind. maybe he was alive, and well and safe. “i don’t mean to pry, i just haven’t seen people in a couple weeks.”

MIKE MATTHEWS.

He’s careful, keeping his two ears for out of the norm noises that aren’t Brianna’s voice, the wind or their footsteps. It was a trick Kara had taught him, his own footing was a little rougher and heavier — he never did manage to learn how to walk more quietly, but he was quiet enough. He didn’t mind talking, in fact, it made the unsettling sight of withered building and overgrown vegetation a little bit easy to endure. “No, it’s not just me.” He turns his head, squinting as he urges his eyes to adjust to the darkening skies. Hoping they would make it into Haven before the complete black out. “There’s a whole community, actually,” he quips proudly, a little smile stretching across his features as he thinks of his friends and everything they’ve managed to build from the ground up. “Men, women, children. Whole families, really. All hard working and willing to get their hands dirty to make things work. Kara — she, uh, keeps things running. People love her.” He turns slightly, shoots her a sympathetic smile and nods, “You’re not prying. I don’t blame you for asking. I would be asking questions, too.” She reminded him a bit of himself and Kara, willing to help but also cautious. “Why are you running off by yourself? I mean, I don’t mean to pry either, but there’s strength in numbers. At least, that’s how Kara and I have managed to survive — As you can see,” He lifts his hand playfully, “I would’ve probably been dead by now if it weren’t for her. She's usually the one to make the smart decisions."

BRIANNA FRASER.

hope bubbles in the pit of her stomach at his admission, hope that she knew was premature in its arrival, but was there all the same. a community of people. that was more promising than anything, she knew. a group of people, that could only mean that someone could know something.  “ive always been kind of a loner,” she nods, not going into massive amounts of detail. her past was complicated, this “apocalypse” aside, her life had always been complicated. “i keep moving, because im trying to find someone.. his name is roger. wakefield. roger wakefield,” smile crosses her features at his name, she hadn’t spoken it in so long, shed almost forgotten what it sounded like. “he isn’t- at your camp is he?” brow raises and head cocks, eyes stay focused on the back of mikes head. a dangerous thing it is, to hope. she only had to think of her mother to know that, but brianna can’t exactly help it. “what’s wrong with her?” she piques, interest flowing her now to try and think of the best possible way to cure whatever it was ailing her, “can you describe her symptoms?”

MIKE MATTHEWS.

He's seen that look before. He's worn it himself. That hopeful glint in the eyes. The same tone of voice -- when Kara had been kidnapped. "Roger," He frowns, shaking his head apologetically, "It doesn't sound familiar, I'm sorry." He sighs, rubbing the back of his neck as his eyes drift back to the horizon. "I don't really know everyone's names at Haven, so I don't want to say no. I'm not very good keeping up with that sort of thing. We could ask around Haven to see if anyone knows anything, but I haven't heard of a Roger Wakefield." He answers truthfully, "It's most been a high fever, a lot of pain in her body and nausea. She can barely stay awake anymore." She's dying. If they don't do anything soon, she would. He knew as much. "Our town nurse says it's some kind of infection because her immune system wasn't the best at the time she got the cut."  Minutes drag on to the point they feel like hours, but there it was. Haven. He smiles in relief at the sight of their small gated community, "There it is." He nods towards their guards, he waves his flashlight to signal their arrival.

BRIANNA FRASER.

brianna nods at his response to her question, the hope fizzling as quickly as it had come. it was a stretch, to think that he’d have traveled this far south, she knew, but it had been worth the ask. not that she was hoping out for mikes reassurance of not knowing everyone by name. if he was anything to go on, he and his wife, kara, they seemed to be the ones in charge. knowing roger like she did, it was doubtful he wouldn’t at least try and get to know them better. pulling on her backpack, she nods until he explains karas illness, waves of nausea running through her. it was something, she knew, that had it been treated quicker, would have only last a day, maybe two. but by the sounds of it, this woman was fighting a losing battle. she picks up pace then, following him into his haven and towards where they stayed. pulling her bag off of her shoulder, she follows him into the room where kara lay before she settles on the edge of the bed. a hand rests against the woman’s sweaty forehead before she gives pause, intrigue washing over her, “kara danvers,” she whispers, mind buzzing at the thought of alex danvers, “you’re alive...” a small smile pulls at her features then before she’s rummaging through her bag, “kara danvers,” she repeats, briefly looking at mike before pulling needles and penicillin from her bag, “i met her sister alex, a while back, she didn’t know if she had survived. but-“ she presses the liquid into the needle, tying fabric around karas arm and finding the right location to inject, “i can’t believe you’re alive.” she proceeds to work on her then before finally pulling everything away and moving again to pull out more cloth and dampening it, wiping the sweat from karas face before leaving the coolness of it across her forehead to try and fight against the temperature. she removed another and followed with pressing them across her shoulders, “you’re going to be alright,” she nodded, hopeful. “need to cool you down so your body can start to fight...”

KARA DANVERS.

it's impossibly hot but, then again, there hasn't been a moment recently where kara has known anything else. voices come and go with fading consciousness. a few short broken words here, a wet tongue against her burning cheek there but it's all she can filter through the haze clouding her mind. kara aches. the type of thundering pain that sets into your bones, weighs down your muscles until nothing seems to work and everything is this heavy, heavy, heavy thing. the cold cloth pressed to her forehead has been changed more than three times and there's been a bottle lip pressed to her lips more than once. with the growing inferno comes something else entirely --- the opening of a door, the low snarl of an animal. sam. and her mind knows that, knows it enough to let out a small "shhhh." a low whine accompanies the soothing hiss but even that little moment of clarity drains her. and then --- everything happens at once. someone is above her, a young woman she doesn't know even through the lethargy of her mind. the others words, though, spark a small flutter of adrenaline. "alex," her throat is rough, name grating against the back of her throat. heavy lidded blue eyes shift to the newcomer, searching with all her might for answers. but kara doesn't recognize her, and the new information flits away as quickly as it had come. there's a tightness around her bicep, a small pressure that pricks at the crook of her arm. kara's gaze shifts past the others shoulders, landing on mike and it's like a damn has broken. the blonde flashes a weak smile, sighing as she relaxes back into the bed. "it's hot," she manages to whisper, eyes suddenly clenched shut.

MIKE MATTHEWS.

They’re moving quickly. He’s a little nervous as Brianna is the one that seems to urge them to pick up their pace when he was already in a hurry. It makes him fear for Kara even more, dread sitting heavy in the pit of his stomach. He dodges a few people, throws a few hellos here and there and a few “I’ll talk to you soon.” They barge into their home, then their bedroom where they find Kara. The stench of sweat and illness nearly knocking him to his knees. She looked absolutely ill. It was heartbreaking. He couldn’t bare the thought of Kara suffering. He stands aside, lets Brianna work. Chewing on his cheek, arms crossed over his chest. Brianna is talking again, mentions of Alex Danvers making his stomach flutter. His eyes flicker form the back of Brianna’s head to Kara whose blue eyes are glassy and red. He reaches her bed, kneeling at her side and placing a small kiss to her cheek. He shoots an apologetic glance at Susan, it’d taken him too long. “You don’t know how happy we are that you’re back.” She sounds relieved. Paula, too, her smile is tight and her gaze tired. He looks back to Brianna, “where is Alex?” He questions, eyes squinting into inquisitive slits. “Is she safe?” He has so many questions, though his main focus would always be Kara. “How long? Till she gets better, I mean.” He doesn’t know what to do. Seeing Kara ill mostly threw him into a fit of panic and clouded thinking.

BRIANNA FRASER.

“i know,” brianna nods to kara who writhes beneath her, annoyance filtering her tummy for a long moment at the idea that were was simply a damp cloth to suffice for the heat that scorched through her. she tears more material and dampens it before putting it on her wrists. fastest way to try and cool her down, one of the most effective ways at that. she follows by pouring some water into her hand and running it through the blondes hair, letting the coolness saturate her scalp. this, alongside the antibiotics, it would help, speed up the process and beat this infection. “she’s safe,” she nods with a smile, “doctoring a camp that i stayed in a few months back, but then again she doing different runs to help different people. but she’s okay, i promise,” she nods to mike then, lips pulling into a tightened smile as she continues to keep reapplying the cooled materials to kara’s head, shoulders and wrists. “with the antibiotics and the cooling methods? she should start to perk up in a few hours. definitely needs a few days bed rest, but by then id suggest she be out of this room and in another. one that’s more aired out,” she nods before placing her hand upon the cloth of kara’s forehead, “but she’ll make it. just needed the right medicine.”

KARA DANVERS.

kara almost misses it. the soothing creep of something far colder than fire seeping its way through her body. it starts at the crook of her elbow and spreads outwards, ice in her veins. then, more still. her forehead. wrists. through her hair. a blanket of cold, cool, comfort washes over her. there's the faint hint of a smile at the corners of her lips as she sinks back into the bed with a relief filled sigh. "thank you," she murmurs, blue eyes blinking open to the woman. "thank you." she doesn't know what else to say. what else to do. for a moment she wonders if she's died because this --- she's dreamed of this moment for days now. the fire erased with a calming coolness. the touches are far more manifested than her fever induced mind can muster, though, and the soft press of lips to her forehead bring her some form of awareness. this is real. this is happening. her hand searches across the bed for mike, seeking anything that will prove him concrete. sam lets out another low whine, paula excuses herself to get more cold water and susan observes, shifting into an almost seemingly content and procedural silence.

MIKE MATTHEWS.

“I’ll have to go find her.” He makes a mental note of it and shelves away for later. He wanted to bring Alex back for Kara, but his selfish need to see her better overpowered any other. His grand her hand with his good one, pressing swift kisses to her knuckles. She feels warm to the touch. All to be expected due to her fever. “I’m here, darling.” He hushes her, pressing her hand against his cheek. He couldn’t possibly tear his eyes away now, but he does to direct his next words to Brianna. He was thankful, but the lump in his windpipe made it so difficult to say much. “You really don’t know how thankful we are.” He sighs in relief, wanting nothing more than for Kara to regain some colour and talk. God, how he misses her voice. “I know you said no thanks are needed, but we do have room for you. There’s vacant houses with electricity and running water. There’s plenty of food.” He looks back to Kara, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips, “I’m sure Kara would want to properly introduce herself.”

BRIANNA FRASER.

she smiles at them, how careful he is with her, how soft she is with him. its nothing short of the usual sensations she feels when helping others. the smile she garners though, it soon fades and she’s left thinking about roger again. brianna misses him. more than she would ever care to admit out loud. eyes fall to kara’s hand as it presses into mikes cheek. she licks her lips then, focusing on the syringe in her hand and giving them the privacy she feels like they need. “if it’s all right with you,” the redhead nods, “id like to at least stay until kara gets better. just in case anything happens, im not saying it will, but id rather be safe.” she nods then before gathering her things and putting them into her bag, “but i appreciate the offer, thank you.”

MIKE MATTHEWS.

“You’re welcome to stay as long as you need.” He offers a smile, his good hand reaching out to card through Kara’s  hair. Being around his wife made him feel instantly better. “Our doors are always open for you.” He looks back to Paula who nodded her approval, quirking a smile of her own in the doctor’s direction. “We can give you a tour around Haven when the sun rises. I know Paula is dying to show around the little  medbay she’s managed to put together.” He rests Kara’s hand back and rises to his feet, he hesitates bringing up the man she’s searching for. He didn’t want to give any false hope in a world so full of grief. So he makes a mental note to ask around his towns people if they know of a Roger Wakefield tomorrow. “I hope you don’t mind giving me the coordinates of Alex Danvers’ camp. I would really like to bring her home to Kara.”

KARA DANVERS.

with the small amount of clarity she's managed to regain, kara focuses. eyes shift around the room with far more concentration than she's had in the past week, passing between people. the girl that's treated her is far younger than she'd originally registered and couldn't be any older than mid-twenties, housing the composure and intellect of someone far older. mike's there beside her, face heavy with concern and exhaustion but his touch, like so many times, is soft and comforting against her own. with what little strength she can muster, kara brushes her fingertips against his cheek, flashing a small warming smile. it's so good to see you she wants to say but the words catch, tongue heavy and brain still this side of lethargic. until alex's name is dropped. mike is no longer beside her and that alone has drawn her attention, but when the name of her sister filters through her ears kara cannot help but blink. "alex?" she questions, hand shifting to try and handle the weight of her body as she attempts to push herself up. it's a weak and pathetic attempt, exhaustion sapping any straight she's managed to find within the past few moments. "she's -- alive?"

BRIANNA FRASER.

"i'd like that," brianna nods, smile garnered in mike's direction and then geared towards paula. it suddenly dawns on the redhead then that she's in a room full of strangers, new to this small family and seemingly interrupting their dynamic. accidentally of course, but still, the discomfort of being the "new girl" starts to settle into her stomach and she's left to look at her hands awkwardly, "of course, yes, anything." and with that, she turns her attentions to the apparatus in her hands and busies herself with putting it away and back into her bag. kara letting her fingers touch mike's face softly once more feels like an intrusion, and she's ready to leave. that is until kara speaks and is trying to pull her body up. "hey," brianna starts, small smile filtering through cheeks but voice serious, "you don't want to be getting ill again, and dizziness is sure to follow in the moments that pass between your head and not touching that pillow." gently, she places hands on the woman's shoulders before fixing the cloth upon her head. "she's alive, very alive. helping whoever she can. she mentored me for a while-" had been like an older sister, actually, "she talked about you. a lot. so can i say, it's an honour?"

KARA DANVERS.

there're a million things she wants to do, ideas and thoughts and plans swirling around in her head now that she's actually clear enough to properly think. it feels like she hasn't been able to do it in days, mind weighed heavily under a constant fog. but now everything comes crashing down at once. and at the mere mention of dizziness, it hits her full and hard in the face. kara gets a few inches off the bed before lethargy seeps into her arms and the hands placed gently on her shoulder feel like boulders. "dizziness?" she manages to get out, swallowing thickly and lying back down. "m'totally... there's no dizziness." a halfhearted laugh puffs from between her lips and she grins, half assed and weak but it's --- something. something that isn't whimpers and panting. a long sigh escapes her next, eyes fluttering closed at the new information. "i..." she trails off, licks her lips and shakes her head. "i'm so glad she's okay." there's a hint of tears in her words but kara clears her throat and opens her eyes. "i think the... the honour is all mine. you're the one who saved my life." a pause, "i don't even know your name."

MIKE MATTHEWS.

Logically he knows Brianna is a doctor, she seems to be a good one too, he knows that if she says Kara will be alright then it means she’ll be alright. On the other hand, his more paranoid side wants to beg her to heal her as if with the wave of a wand she could magically make her all better. Then Kara is rising to a sit up position and Brianna is gently pushing her back down — of course his wife would be eager to find Alex. He almost wanted to run out of haven and go get her himself right now but if Paula’s threatening glance said something it was that he better not dare leave town for at least a month. Or until Kara’s made full recovery. So he stays put. Admitting defeat before he has a chance to argue. It dawned on him this whole time he didn’t even introduce the woman who’d just saved his wife’s life. “I’m sorry I’m so rude,” He sighs, rubbing his neck shyly, “Susan, Kara, that’s Brianna.” He clears his throat and shoots a small smile in Brianna’s direction, “We ran into each other back at the hospital. I was wondering who ransacked the building and well,” he gestures in her direction and chuckles, “Pretty good shot, too.” A weight was lifted off his shoulders, hearing Kara talk  and move and regain some colour it brought him some peace. “Brianna, as you already know that’s my wife; Kara and that’s Paula. Susan is our towns nurse.”

BRIANNA FRASER.

“nice to meet you all,” the redhead nods, gesturing a smile to each new face, who now had respective names. the awkwardness that had settled across her body seemed to melt slightly at the easiness of now being able to say she knew them. with that, she rubbed her hands on her khakis before gaze shifted over to mike. “i think i ought to maybe get to sleep,” she nodded, thinking now that she was finished that the couple definitely needed a little alone time and not some strange girl who evidently talked too much but said so little. the line of her lips pull a little before she rests a hand upon karas, “just take it easy though, yeah? just because you start to feel better doesn’t mean your body actually is better.” the redhead stands then, reaching for her rucksack and slinging it over one shoulder, “I can sleep wherever. till morning at least.”

KARA DANVERS.

she can feel her concentration slipping from her with each passing moment. now that the fire has been subdued kara feels as if she can sleep. peacefully so. even though a small part of her fears closing her eyes. this could all be a dream. a hallucination. fate pulling her into a deep unconsciousness that she will not return from. "i'll try to take it easy," she replies, flashing a weak smile with half lidded eyes. "no promises, though."her hand grips tighter around mike's searching for that solid anchor of realism as she feels weary sleep claw at her. "get her a... nice bed. some food. clean... clean water." the words spill from her lips as her eyes blink shut, slowly fading into slurred speech as unconsciousness takes her.

#( endure and survive | verse. ) #( endure and survive | thread. ) #( endure and survive | thread 010. introductions. ) #( mike matthews | ofdaxam. ) #( ofdaxam. ) #( brianna fraser | laidirnighean. ) #( laidirnighean. )

[nevermindtheapostasy-blog]

how endearingly innocent of you.

seek the stories because you can't do it yourself.

you're a coward for evil

and a coward for good.

you're sufficiently aware of all of the tells

outwardly, you're quite upright

inwardly, its damn near hell.

thats not even true,

you know its not.

your heart is golden

it seeks after wholeness.

yet how do you reconcile

the balance

the walk of the tightrope

since nothing is black and white?

life seems to be a balancing act

everything is teaching me

to live in the tension

so I control my actions

I seek to live right

stop living all together,

I damn well might.

I'm tired of the words in my mouth

they're all too familiar

yes I'm numb

we've been there before

but you won’t cope normally

do some drugs and call it a day 

too many mind games

too many words swimming around

swimming around until they drown

have you grown at all?

you know you have.

you want out though

you can’t stay in one place

you’re a metaphorical gypsy 

running away

no one is here to stay 

because you won't let them

I can’t stand people who blame everyone else

this is all you, my friend.

how much of this is true and how much of this is a lie? 

when did I get to the point where I stopped caring?

I do care. 

I just like the angst. 

I should’ve gotten it all out when I was 15. now I’m here spilling my guts on a Tumblr page that I made with a secret email under a fake name. why? because I’m a coward. and because I have a good heart. and because I care about what people think of me. and because I don’t want to worry anyone. and because I like the immaturity. and because I’m desperate to do something. because I can’t tell people the full extent of how un-okay I am. because I don't know my boyfriend well enough yet. because my mom will cry. because my sister will treat me differently. because my friends will talk about it to each other but not feel like they should ask me about it. because I won't be able to help others. 

I won’t learn guitar because I hate the vulnerability of not knowing how to do something. I hate the learning curve, I hate the sympathy of the expert towards the amateur. Its a pride thing. its an insecurity thing. its a fear thing. its a laziness thing. 

I won't smoke weed because I feel like I shouldn't, I feel like it goes against the integrity of who I want to be. but who I want to be is a pendulum, its on an axis, its the hinge on the scale. its very clear for a moment and then the window fogs up and I imagine what else I could be.  I draw different realities in the fog and I entertain the idea of anything I've ever wanted to do.

im not legalistic, I'm really not. but my spine is a little sore from sitting up so straight. I wish I didn't know what was right. I don't know exactly whats right. but I live in fear of making the wrong decision which will cost me my future. it will cost me my relationship with god. but now I'm realizing that my future isn't just going to be handed to me. I have to work for it. but I also have to somehow remember divine providence and wonder how it fits in. what exactly is my choice and whats just destined to happen? if I smoke weed now, I’ll know what its like. I won't feel like people think I'm judging them when they smoke because I won't be sticking out like a sore thumb. im not sticking out like a sore thumb. no one cares that much. just a little. but what if I don't do it just once? what if it opens the door to a million awful things that I've been working to avoid? 

get rid of the audience in your head. no ones here. its just you. then why are you writing? you want people to read this and you know it. maybe some other sad kid will stumble on this and be inspired. yeah ok. inspired by what? stop self deprecating. I just lost my train of thought. 

I haven't watched porn in years. Its been four months since I've done anything sexual. I made out with my boyfriend recently for a couple hours and it got a little steamy. not really. but kind of. I felt bad afterwards, but it took me like 2 days to realize I felt bad. I called him and we talked about it. he felt bad too but only for pushing me off of him. ouch that hurt. that made me feel embarrassed. he didn't mean it like that. he has a complicated sexual past and I was inconsiderate of that. I just liked making out. it was stupid. we learned from it but now I don't want to make out. even though I do. I want to have sex. I want to save myself for my husband so that my sexual past doesn't get in the way of our relationship. I want him to have all of me. theres forgiveness though. no don't go there. your boyfriend is a christian. now that you’re having this existential crisis all the doors are closed lol. you could probably smoke weed with him. even though you don't like it when he does. you can be a hypocrite. he can't tell you not to, or else he’s the hypocrite. we all are. remember that one movie about the girl who has a blog and writes all about her messed up life? I feel kind of like that right now. except that was a stupid movie because she disappeared at the end. why do I always have to ruin things for myself. I ask the question at the end of story that makes you just not want to tell the story at all. so whats the point of it all? too bad damn tattoos can't save your life. you're a mess. thats fine. you’re all bark, no bite. you’re a dog with a bark that echoes in your head threatening to burst your eardrum from the inside. you hope your ear starts bleeding. but then everyone will know you as the dog that broke his ear drum. you think about what your life would be like if you weren't a christian. you would party. you would sleep around. you’d experiment with girls because why not. you’d think about being a nihilist but then you’d probably commit suicide so you’ll settle for something like buddhism. you’d read poetry all the time, you’d have those tiny tattoos that are scattered all over your body. you would’ve bleached your hair by now. I know you're thinking about it. you would’ve shaved your head maybe if you got depressed enough. you would’ve cut yourself when you were fourteen. you would've lost your virginity summer of freshman year. you would’ve partied all of sophomore year. you wouldn’t have gone to gcu. where would you be? angry at your dad. angry at your mom. angry. a disappointment to your little sisters. you’d have a horrible relationship with your older brother. you would've broken your little brothers heart. your friends would be fake, they would talk about what a mess you are behind your back but then take you out partying still. you would feel even more alone than you do now. 

you just went and got ice-cream with your friends. it was nice. you didn't want to die. you take that so lightly, but you mean it. you don't really mean it though. you would just be fine if you happened to die. you’ll never go through with it through. its passive. you see a car at an intersection and think you wouldn’t care if they hit you. just as long as they actually killed you. which you know wouldn't end up happening. they would hit you, you'd survive, and it would just make your life even worse. whats wrong with your life? nothing. its actually pretty good. you didnt have a dad for a while but now he's trying to come back. I think the main problem is you dream about things and you don't do any of them, because you’re prideful. stop saying you're afraid. you're not afraid. its pride. you won't go ask someone to teach you how to produce music because you're prideful. you won't record anything because what if it sucks and then everyone thinks you suck. you're going to waste all your time. its so easy. and the worst part is how much time you spend talking about other people needing to ‘wake up’ and live for something more than themselves when in reality you're not living for anything. why the fuck do you want to smoke so badly? seriously thats all you've been thinking about all day, its interrupting your thoughts even right now. anyway, you’re a hypocrite if I've ever seen one. get some shit done. stop talking about it, stop whining about it. lol I sit here reading my own words and i realize that I am talking to myself. and my pep talk is failing. I'm still just sitting here. whats it gonna take to change? will this depression just get so bad that I either die or get up? I don't know. I would be okay if my boyfriend broke up with me right now. its not that I don't like him. I really do. but you know the whole fight or flight reaction? I get the flight reaction any time someone asks me to share myself with them. I can handle other people's issues. but I don't want to give them mine. I overanalyze what they will think about it. everything I say is coated in four layers of caution. its stupid. just be fucking blunt. oh yeah, and cuss once in a while. youre not surprising god. he's seen it all before. he can take it. you’re so annoying. you think you're Gods gift to this earth. you think you’ll never do anything of note. you think you’ll change the world. you think you're messed up beyond repair. you think you're poetic. you think you’re so hot. you want validation from people that you have talent. you want validation that you’re cool. you want validation that you're deep. you are deep. you are shallow. you are immature. you are mature. you've been through a lot. you haven't seen much yet. you really love people. you’re really selfish. you want to be special. you are special. no one cares about you. you impact everyone you meet. its up to you who you want to be. no one is going to make you do anything. your future is only going to be what you pour into it. you can live a simple life. you can live an extraordinary life. you can work hard. you can relax. you need to come to terms with this idea of reality. you live in a theory. you think  about what you will do. you can do. nothing is stopping you. only if you want to. its okay if you don't want to. no its not. why not? you only have one life. yes it is okay. its okay. its not okay. write a song about the tension. learn to love the tension. draw a picture about the tension. learn to love the tension.