#its not that im depressed or anything. its just. its too much work. and i gotta hear ppl outside of my room if i want food.

[raksh-writes]

Maybe this doesn’t need to be said, but Im feeling awful about it, so -- to any mutuals that might notice Im not following them anymore, I'm sorry about that. I've just seen too many posts on my dash that I have no way of blocking because they're not tagged in any way and they're distressing enough it's turning one of the only places I considered a safe space not safe for me anymore. So for my own mental health, I had to unfollow. I Will refollow in the future and I still love y'all, but I just-- I can’t. Ive been noticing some very worrying stuff about my mental and emotional state and it's just too much currently. I hope it's at least an understandable decision, and I wish y'all are having a good day out there 💗

#personal #I know its important to keep up with current events #but life overall's been a bit too much for me lately #I should prob go back to my therapist #I haven’t seen her since I went back to uni #for one because I didn’t know my schedule when we last meet and we both thought this should balance me #finally having purpose again and doing what I actually enjoy #but I also don’t have a job now so its costs and... I don’t know #but I probably should now that Im thinking maybe its time to actually get medicated for real #tho first maybe I should just visit my family doc and ask for those vit d supplements my therapists talked about #see if thats gonna be enough #autumn (and winter) has always been an awful time for me in terms of mental and emotional health #but it feels even worse these days #like Im battling against depression every day recently and rarely anything works to distract me #which is why its been hard to get back to peels in dms and such too #I was meant to meet with a friend now that Im studying in a city she lives in but I have yet to get back to her #and it feels like I have not only Zero but like Negative energy and motivation #+ Ive been dealing with an upset stomach for Weeks now #no matter what I eat it feels weird and achy and barely anything tastes good for me already so now its even worse #anyway this turned into such a rant Im sorry #I just didn’t want the lovely peeps Ive been mutuals with for a long time to think I stopped liking them or smth #its just certain untagged posts that I would otherwise block if I could #and I dont wanna impose onto anyone like a 'rule' to tag them or whatever #so yeah this is just temporary #hopefully at some point I get better enough to survive the couple distressing posts heh...

[mihai-florescu]

Im like. 25% thinking about my project and 75% thinking about dropping out at any given moment

#i cant stand the idea of having to make things anymore #this is not exactly ideal for an art school #yes yes it goes back to being depressed whatever i just need to push through do enough to pass and then never have to make anything again #its a bit sad when teachers talk about finding our methods and stuff for the future when i know im not gonna engage in any of this #again. but i go to every class because i dooo enjoy learning about art practices and what other people are passionate about etc #sigh #just make something for the midterm just prepare a course of action for the finals youll figure it out #well no the more i read the more i think i should all join a suicide cult instead but i know it wouldnt work because i hate people too much #and id just think its stupid and that i cant be bothered to go to any meetings #thats how it is for any community i try to join ultimately the thought of 'who cares' wins and i dont do anything

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#head instructor to the TAs in the lab section i TA for: how r u guys feeling abt the workload? #me who hasnt graded anything since week 1 and spent an hr that morning filling out a patient safety plan: 🙃 #listen. we r experiencing symptoms that make us shitty at our job. which is not helpful for a positive outlook #i was also experiencing horrible cramps at the time bc i lost my ibuprofen and 2 days ago i stopped the birth control in a desperate effort #to stop feeling terrible. but in this moment i feel alright. its wild to go from drastically unhappy to like lol wtf was that? anyway stop #being a bby loser. for no obvious reason. im gonna start the birth control again to see if i get depressed again or if that was just me lol #i dont think my therapist understands the depth of my executive functioning issues tho. bc im a grad student and can meet deadlines. like #let me tell u im a fucking disaster abt starting things. i will go back and forth and get nothing done forever. or i do things halfway and #make everything 30 times more difficult later bc no one else understands how my brain works #ah well. itll b fine. sometimes i just get freaked out that i wanna b better and i dont kno how to do that. so i spiral in despair a lil #ill b fine. im good at catching myself before i get too out of control. annoyingly tho i am not currently beating the bip0lar allagations #bc whatever tf is wrong with me i do probably fit the diagnostic criteria for bip0lar 2. i dont kno y that freaks me out so much. i guess #its bc it feels like something i cant just make better thru force of will and i grew up in a home that was very obsessively #health conscious to the point my dad gets anxious abt taking a single ibuprofen. so like ive been conditioned to get freaked out by #medication. literally my grandma will call me and tell me to b suspicious of doctors and to not take medicine unless absolutely necessary. #like lady u r the genetic reason i have 0cd shut the fuck up. also it feels like something that would more negatively affect how ppl think #of u than saying oh yea i get depressed or i have anxiety. like the connotation feels worse im used to just telling ppl whatever tf #my problem is. so the idea of holding something back feels weird. which annoys me bc i dont think there should b so much of a stigma. its #bullshit. anyway idk. im tired. i was trying to think of a comfort tv show with my therapist and all i could think was the terror #when im depressed i wanna watch those English mother fuckers suffer and die. i just lov that show so much. harry g00dsir my beloved. the #most me coded character to ever exist #unrelated

[dip-the-stick]

i am falling apart

#u name it im bad at it #academics: dropped 2 classes and its too late to drop another so im just ignoring it #physical: stomach constantly hurts always hungry but cant eat food #mentally: im supposed to be getting fucking meds but i havent gotten a call or a text or anything about it and i dont know how long these #things typically take but idk its been a bit and man id rlly like to start the depression meds that are gonna take a month to kick in sooner #rather than later #that would be really swell #uhhhhh emotionally: i miss my partner so much and i want to hang out with my friends even tho i feel like im already neady enough #work: i fucking hate my job rn #anyways. not doing well #ooo i should listen to inside: bo burnham again #dipshitposts

[autism-corner]

i love seeing trans people in public its so awesome to get joy from knowing the fact that we exist <3

#ofc dont judge strangers etcetc but. #even if they hypothethically are cis #i still in my mind get to acknowledge that were here! living!! #tbh knowing i can give someone (someone so much like me despite it all) that same feeling of love.... #by just. being here? being in public? walking around or working or anything really? #it genuinely makes me want to live. survive. make it. grow up. #i dont know if id be here without the prospect of being visibly queer to others like me. #its such a unifying factor to me and i love every bit of it so much.... #yayyyay <3 #sillyposting #guy is healed from his depression week ig =w=b #going outside helps!! who fucking knew!! #augh..... #god tonight theres a carnifex performance but im not going...... #ive got too much going on saterday (10+ hours work at a hardcore party.)(ill be garderobe ill be fine but still =3=) #warderobe* whatever #tumblr app sucks shit let me edit my tags T-T

[st5lker]

god i wish i was the type of person who could just be creative for myself. but if i dont have people to engage with my ideas and/or multiple people to make things with in collaboration i just dont want to do it at all. and at this point in my life i literally dont know where i could find any more people like that now that ive fallen out with everyone i used to... its hard to tell how much that's what i miss and how much what i miss might just be being a kid with a big imagination. but like i just cant make things for fun anymore and it makes me so fucking sad because in my heart what i enjoy doing more than anything else is drawing and writing and thinking about characters and plotlines just for fun and having people to share my ideas with in a way that they can really engage with them beyond 'oh that looks nice!'

#ive been so depressed lately i dont even want to leave bed #i thought having a break would be nice but it just made me realize that i never actually got happier ive just been too busy to think about- #how unhappy i actually am #for the past 8 or 9 months since i got stripped from basically all creative outlets ive just been distracting myself with one thing after an #and now that i finally have a moment where im not actively working towards something (whether that's my license or school or whatever) #its just me and my thoughts and im left realizing how much i fucking hate not having anyone or anything to be creative for

[spaghett-onaplate]

not gonna lie man it is not all good in the neighbourhood rn

#i was getting homesick when i was on holiday but now that im home its just so. ugh. #The Darkness Creeps Forth Once More #the food is shit im annoyed at my family im annoyed at myself the house is always messy #i dont get anything done i just rot in bed forever and ever #except now at least i have work #which is either a good or bad thing #good for money and getting out of the house but kind of. ugh. #im sleeping too much but im always so tired all the food tastes the same and makes me feel nauseous #the cats don't have any food and it's stressing me out and it's like i don't recognise them anymore #after being away for less than a week ?? but still #my sense of time is so skewed im fucked in the head i just want to go to school again #my dysphoria is so bad and my dad is so fucking unsupportive but cant admit it #hrrrrrrvhvhbdj its fine it will be okay I Will Persevere #at least im seeing my friends tomorrow :( #i just want my depression to fuck off #for one goddamn minute

[l-cereta]

in a bad mood for multiple unrelated reasons :thumbsup:

#dooooooo i vent in the tags #yk what why shouldnt i #ok so. for one my executives have been dysfunctioning since monday and i think rn is the event horizon of 'oh my god if u dont work now' #and you know what ive been doing instead of working? watching a 24hr stream of armored core 6 #so thats like. whatever #its the whole too depressed to do anything so you kinda vegetate which lowers ur energy even further and worsens your mood #but then a friend wanted to get my advice on like. relationship troubles hes having #and i just . was not able to connect at all. and it's like man sometimes im not even sure if i have emotions lmao #like i pride myself on Being In A Better Place Than I Was In Highschool #(like. im not considering jumping out the window every other morning) #but like. sometimes it feels like i just dont like #like other people have these rich experiences and deep loves and all this stuff and im never gonna get it #it'd be nice to be loved or be in a relationship but really like #my biggest fear is just. im in a relationship and something bad happens to my partner #and i realize i dont care #idk theres like a lot swirling in my brain #i just want to be like... #i think writing this out has actually made it worse lmao #god forbid if someones reading this please dont reach out to me abt it i do not want to talk abt it #no matter how much other people say they care abt me it never seems real anyways so like cool #god i was doing so well before going back to college and im stupid enough to actually fucking like school #i just like. #whatever #like being alive really hurts right now #i cant really put a bow on that

[szczylpierdolony]

wish i had the type of depression where you party and do drugs and look sad in cinematic settings rather than the one where i never leave the house barely shower and lose any remnants of a personality ive left

#also thinking abt that post about how you live your life the way you spend your time #and all i do is be in bed and think abt how much i hate myself #and ig i just wish i were anyone else huh #either someone who smart or interesting or at least desirable #and instead im just really anoying and pathetic and not in a way thatd make ppl think im cool if i were a character #just weird and sad and too depressed to do anything #but at the same time it just feels like an excuse #bc everyone around is mentally ill too but they somehow manage school adn work and relationships and hobbies #and all i do is cry and have my best friend tell me she doesnt have the time to see me #which ik is true but at some point it just feels pathetic to ask again knowing she'll say shes busy #so its being surrounded by ppl who constantly talk abt mental illness and trauma and still feeling like the odd one out like ig i dont have #a good reason to be like this #im just lazy and i dont have much to offer #and im off of any social media except this and ig youtube but i just watch sims and jacob geller there #so i minimized ppl to compare myself to #but it still hurts that im at this age when i should be going out and partying and dating and being incapable of it #sorry if youre reading this btw

[caruliaa]

yk i think like. im trying desperately not to depress people around me w how close to doomerism i can veer but like. at a certain point its like. the effort and exhaustion that goes into maintaining just being alive in this world is not worth what comes from being alive and like. girlies we may have reached it. el oh el.

#like obvs its different for everyone like. what i really mean is that i have reached it or like. tht was always inevitably the case #for my life. which ik feels really depressing to say nd im sorry tht it makes ppl sad but idk like. its just true at a certain point #absolutely not from a lack of trying from the good things within my life to be clear not at all like. ik have sm great parts to my life #tht like. just mean so so much to me and im so so lucky to have but as upsetting as it is to say and think abt #at a certain point having to choose between being trapped in a situation were you can never authentically exist or like #have any control over your life and exist on your own terms even in v small ways while having to constantly be around people whove #caused you so much pain and trauma and hurt and being is a situation were like. at best your constantly working to afford living and you #are constantly exhausted by this and have no time for being yourself anyway and at worst you just cant afford anything and you die #and that could happen to you at any point idk like. these are my two options and i cant change anything about that fact #no matter how much i want to and that feeling is just. so so crushing and inescapable and just idk i dont know how to deal with it #like. idk iv done everything to try to but its only ever a temporary distraction #bc the problem isnt fucking like. mental or emotional its the facts of my reality and that cant be changed #so ofc im going to be constantly fucking miserable things just. are misearble #and idk. im sorry tht thts something other ppl have to deal with when it comes to like. knowing me bc genuinly its like. #they dont deserve that its sm pain for somoene to deal with and if that someone isnt. somone whos come to term with what #my fate invetiably is like have ik its too much nd im sorry for like. putting that on ppl i just. idk im sorry #idk what up with me suddnely. i mean i do but like. idk why i cant just hold it together like. this has always been the case idk why #im letting it upset me sm suddenly . ig bc i let myself have hope at some point. like an idiot. #idk im sorry. and its nearly 1am so i think im just going to go to sleep.im so sorry for just. all of this. #lucy if your reading tihs im so sorry for not sending and answering asks but i want to say that i love you so so so much. and im sorry #flappy rambles #vent #ask to tag

[fragmentedink-archived]

wow just realized I'm actually turning 30 this year and it's not even my age I'm dreading. it's the fact it's a major milestone and there's a solid likelihood I'll be celebrating it alone unless I seek out people to spend it with me bec it's not like they're gonna do anything to show they care without me prompting it lol

#just like last year 🥳🥂 #honestly if nothing comes up ill probably just go to work bec its too depressing being by myself #maybe its selfish of me to want my friends to come up with something to show they actually care. literally i onky talk to any of them if #i reach out first #idk its me turning 30 and its not like my mom is alive to celebrate with me not that i did much celebrating growing up in the first place #idk i guess im just sad of always being the one to reach out. if ppl cared about me as much as i cared about them i feel like they would? #idk maybe wishful thinking. perhaps i have too high of an expectation from my friends tho i also havent done anything with them since my #Last birthday where i invited them to dinner with me lmao #how about that work life balance #LMAO and i just realized that my mom died at 39 so its literally less than 10 years from me passing her oh god

[ironmanstan]

So much work to do but im actually doing it which scares me more than the fact i have work to do and u can tell bc i keep fucking posting like this

#laid out all my sketches i needed.. updated my carrd projects list... finalized art piece.. sketched concept.. studied from art book #fucking insane. insane. so scary so scary. #like idk it is so weird i think being depressed mustve made my adhd so much worse ?? i couldve never done this before #everything is still hard and i have to genuinely push and will myself to even attempt working on anything but like #i have enough will to win and start ? i dont lose my focus as much when im in it and if i do i know to take a break bc im understimulated? #i still forget basic things and to do things a lot but i dont catastrophize about it as much i get upset and then just fix it.. #its so weird did i just fucking learn to self regulate??? is that what i was missing this whole time ??????? #u get punished for like lacking focus and self regulation and have a defeatist mindset bc doing anything = punishment #but then you break through that fear and just throw yourself in and make yourself do things and u can work WITH the adhd???? #my parents fucking scammed me bro imagine if i had been raised and like helped instead of called worthless for everytime i fuck up #WHY DO I HAVE TO LEARN THIS AT ALMOST 19. STUPID STUPID STUPID #even my old therapists.. oh you have adhd maybe if you just change your diet you will function WOWWW SOOO HELPFUL #HOW DOES THAT HELP ME LEARN TO BE AWARE OF MY SELF AND NEEDS AND REGULATE THEM TO WORK WITH MY MENTAL HANDICAPS HUH. QUICKLY #stupid... i hate every adult in the world you are all useless and do nothing <- is an adult #its so crazy 2 me to function even a little... i guess i learned easily finally bc i self analyze way too much sometimes #but like i genuinely for years predicted id just like. go right back to being majorly suicidal or something in college #bc i could barely handle highschool or getting assignments done #now im meeting deadlines on the reg... like idk. i think it is such a rare and strange and kind of sick feeling #to know like young you would look at you and be surprised or shocked . and its so sad bc like idk. #its like oh i never believed in myself huh. or believed i could have a place in the world and function and be alright #and then u have to grieve all the time you spent never trying bc u didnt think trying without failing was possible like what the hell!!! #crazy... #the gamer speaks uwu

[kil9]

i turned 26

#99.txt #like 2 hours ago.... almost #but i was asleep bc i was naping bc im sick =_= #besties i will be honest this is not how i wanted to spend it..... sick and overworked and exhausted #and too depressed to do anything fun lol #i just want to. postpone it a couple weeks. yeah #my mom is suppose to make dinner but... i wont be able to taste it much bc... sick =_= #i slept 10 hours then had to get up for work and then had to leave work bc i was too sick & then slept 4 more hours when i got home #lol its fine tho its fine...... im fine hahahahaha

[surreal-duck]

letting me live alone was a bad idea i think

#duck rants about something #i mean its not like i particularly mind most of the time. sure chores are a hassle and i am the Worst at keeping myself alive but #im getting better! probably #<- they forgot to eat dinner #putting this on here because like hell am i risking my sister see this #strangely enough i was fine at first at having to move here by myself for school #sure i did miss my family but i could call them anytime and stuff so i wasnt too affected on that end at the time #but wow after like nearly a year of this. i really do miss them #i miss my parents' food. i want to watch cartoons with my little siblings again. i want to throw hands with my sister #ive tried to make my room feel more like home bit by bit and ig it works most of the time #dunno something a little depressing about coming home to a mostly empty room void of other humans to interact with #as embarrassing as it is to admit. im really looking forward to seeing them again in december #i dont really like the town my family's moved to but honestly. ill stomach it if it means ill get to see them again #damn i am just going through a whole range of emotions today arent i #does anyone read these. i hope not is there anything more pathetic than venting in the tags of a tumblr post whwjskdgkjksdgh #my mental health has been on the decline for a while now. was very aware of that but Wow this year was absolutely horrific #i wonder if ive ever really put myself or the things i wanted first without having to be overly considerate of everyone else #so being thrown into a situation to fend for myself and only myself was. kind of jarring #i Know i have a problem w opening up i Know that i tend to make sure others are feeling better and disregard my own feelings in the process #and i have so much trouble asking for help that i end up bottling everything up and reaping the consequences of my actions #damn it. #wheres that post about never trusting your thoughts past 9 pm (it is 8 pm)

[mothbeasts]

Okay trying to not get like too serious or anything but. I am having a Time today. Being hit with the realization that I'll probably have to retake this year of school.

#bee's buzzing #that on top of my one week break is. kinda hurting? i know i cant pull it back up fron here #and like! i know why its because of my mental illness but. #it doesnt. hurt less? and i know that retaking the year. itll hurt. i wont get to be with my friends or Anything. #and tbh. if that happens im more than likely just going to isolate myself again rather than try to make new friends. #i feel so horrible and i know theres not much i can do to fix it at this point. #im exhausted and i cant get any help or accomodation or anything. #my school isnt required to do that for me. so they dont. all i get is 'call your teachers :)' #calling my teacher wont help when i cant focus. when im so depressed i can hardly even get out of bed. #ive been clinging SO hard to being able to graduate next year and... its gone. thats gone. im so far behind in all of my classes. #i cant catch up. i feel like im drowning in work. and like! ugh. my parents dont help me. they just. tell me to keep working #and to do more. and every time i say 'i did all I could today' im hit with 'you should try to do more though' #i guess what im trying to say is. i think i overestimated myself and stretched myself too thin and now im suffering the consequences. #i shouldve stayed in person but. i was scared because my mom and sister were both high risk and. i just. panicked. #ugh. sorry for getting emotional or whatever i just feel gross today

[august--and-everything-after]

Y'all I honestly wish I could send a message back in time like 3-4 years and tell Past-Becca who was depressed and stuck in crap retail jobs that in my mid 20s I'd be working a lab job that I absolutely love and genuinely enjoy going to, and that I'd be well-liked and thought of highly by my coworkers and management. There's a lot that I still need to work on, but damn if I'm not lightyears beyond what I could imagine for myself even a couple years ago.

#i seriously love my job 🥺 #dont want to be too descriptive so as not to doxx myself but i work in a lab #and every day i get to work with great people as well as on my own much of the time #i can be self directed and have agency as a respected and competent member of the team #i get to use a lot of skills and techniques that ive developed and that i enjoy exercising #im not trying to be a capitalist bootlicker or anything but it really just hits me sometimes #that only a few years ago i was so depressed about where my career was at and now im here and i honestly love my job its such a change