#of u than saying oh yea i get depressed or i have anxiety. like the connotation feels worse im used to just telling ppl whatever tf | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

magnoliamyrrh · 10 months

Text

and thus, my endless fascination with conspiracy theories and the truth among the lies //again dont read if u have anxiety abt these sort of things

bc i have a legitemately psychotic father whose fallen down the rabbit hole hard, who thinks chemtrails are a thing and the new world baby eating satanic kabal is on the rise (and frankly most likely blames their demons for what he did to me), and who thinks having identification cards is the devils work bc if u flip them idk what way they say 666. hes been on national tv saying this shit 🤦‍♀️ and i have met many actual full fledged conspiracy theorists, mostly the alien sort, and spend time with them, so i know what theyre like

the issue w conspiracy theorists isnt that theyre 2000% pulling shit out of their ass. because theyre not... the issue is that they are rightfully skeptical of the government and world, they read things which are crazy but true, but then they... arent rightfully skeptical abt the shit they read on weird websites or facebook, and just become indoctrinated into something else

so, lets see here, the truth in the lies

government officials are sex trafficking children - 100% true, actually yes many of them are and its an issue, this is no conspiracy theory we literally have proof of this lmao. this happened in rømania, in europe, in plenty of other places, epsteins black book is a thing. do i even think some of them are into legitemately insane torture and sacrifice too? yes, i do, because that exists even outside of rich ppl... do i think some of them are actual self proclaimed satanists - oh im sure theres some, theres plenty of crazy shit out there.... is it the 12 bloodlines and (insert anti-semetic world conspiracy)? no, its not. is there a global satanic conspiracy? i really doubt it, i think most of these fucks arent either into the occult or theology enough for that. is it the hillary clinton pizzagate in a pizzaria that doesnt even have a basement? nope, nope - and the conspiracies draw away from the actual issue of child sex trafficking

one/new world order/shadow governments - is it true that the rich and powerful of most governments have more in common with each other than common people? yes, absolutely. is it true they all for the most part want docile populations? yea. do they make shady af deals with each other? yuppp. are there people controlling things behind the scenes who are very powerful and we dont know of? yes, absolutely. is the idea of a new world order letting corporations rule everything that ridiculous considering... corporations do rule more and more...? hmm. is it however (insert anti-semetic conspiracy theory here) no. is it reptilians, no. is it aliens, uh i mean, 1% chance im not betting on it. is there a master plan we should focus on to combat this supoosed 12 bloodlines takeover?...... we should probably focus on more practical things

*sidenote to this, i actually find it interesting that conspiracy theorists are afraid the higher classes "kabal" is selectively raising and breeding perfect children while thinking the rest of the population shouldn't have children because were overpopulated...... it is literally happening rn as we speak that some rich ppl are selectively having fetuses and genetically engeneering for "higher IQ" "higher pay bracket" "no depression no health issues no imperfection".... this is real.. and these same rich ppl are part of weird groups which hold only they should have children and raise them in weird special ways (look into elon musks natalist ideas :) )... again...is it 12 satanist bloodlines... uhhhhhno. but yea, it is some sort of issue

chem trails - this one is fun bc yes the chem trail stuff gets taken out of hand. theyre trying to make us all stupid with them or gay or etc etc etc. But the Fun Thing is!!! there Are actually companies which are using chemtrails (releasing chemicals from airplanes) to try to combat climate change witnout telling anyone or civilian approval..... and in at least in one case an american company did this in a northern euro country without approval and definetely not population approval.... fun, right? so, as far as we know to a degree chemtrails are real, just very likely not the way people think

the water turning the frogs gay - this is hysterically enough based on something true. a farmland fertilizer company was having runoffs into a river, where the frogs started displaying high rates of intersex conditions and homosexual behavior, causing the population to decline. when scientists rung the alarm, the company used its money to shut them all down. watch a video on the youtubers Okis Stories on this, its a brilliant documentary he made.... is the government putting stuff in the water to use a "gay bomb" and make ppl gay? lol no. but was there a case of fertilizer chemicals being used turning frogs gay? yes, kinda

mind control, sound wave mind control, and implants for mind control - yuppp. these are real too. obviously MKULTRA as well as several other programs were real (and as far as im concerned are still happening). there is indeed real scientific proof that frequencies, sound waves, brain implants, etc can control very complex mammals such as apes to a terrifying degree (force an ape mother to ignore her crying baby, spark agression, force a bull to stop charging)..... and yes, the human brain itself has its own series of frequencies and energies which can be manipulated. sorry to say, the idea of government mind control and being afraid of frequencies is actually not complete bogus......... idk how much walking around with tinfoil on your heads is gonna do much, and blaming every little thing on this is uhh... paranoia. but i truly do understand why ppl who look into this a long time fall into paranoia, bc it makes me paranoid too. because there is indeed truth to it, and we have no way of knowing how good government tech is

the gov is involced w the occult - not 100% of the time but the CIA's and Soviet governments extensive research into astral projection, telepathy, etc, and the CIA literally writing about meeting higher interdimensional beings should uhhh. make it clear at one point they were and likely still are..... again tho... are they all satanist baby eaters... doubt it

alien abductions - just gave my thoughts on this

project blue beam - the idea as a whole is absolutely hysterical but hologram technology has indeed become insane, look it up. but nah that aint happening. also, yes, the government is likely using the ufo stuff as a distraction and way to increse military spending and to take eyes off of military tech.... staged ufo invasion and rupture tho? doubt it

cryptids are genetially engenered abominations/the gov is doing genetic engeenering/we should be scared of it - you know, i did biotechnology for four years and promised to never touch it again. if i had the money i would bet thousands of dollars that there are both government and private companies doing Insanely unethical and fucked up shit...... we have made goats which produce silk out of their uteruses..... there is donkey dna in your strawberries..... human ears are grown on lab rats...... i have no idea what theyre doing. and i can't say if theyve made human-animal hybrids.... but i will place all my money on very messed up shit happening 100%

modern food and water is bad for you/ chemical fertilizers are bad/ gmos might also be bad - this aint even a fucking conspiracy. they just are. rates of cancer are through the roof. the shit were using today is insane. and on gmos.... idk what to say abt them being dangerous, even after years of biotech, i rly dont. but they taste like shit and i dont... morally like the idea of fish dna in my fruits. call me old fashioned or puritanical, i know theres good sides to it. we learned plenty in biotech of the bad sides tho

the government will use any excuse (covid, crime rates, whatever) to increse its surveillance and control on the population - this one is also true and we saw it all over the world (china, per example). yes covid was absolutely real and dangerous..... yes the government used it to gain more control... both of these things are true

3 notes · View notes

selfcareparker · 3 years

Note

(lovely anon) i'm so happy to finally be answering this oh my goodness hi gorgeous human being i feel that it has been too long 🥲 SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED SINCE THE LAST TIME I'VE WRITTEN ONE OF THESE HOW HAVE YOU BEEN

to answer the things you have said most recently- i'm so mad that spring break is over bc now i have to go back to life??? like dancing and school and shit that feels so unnessacry 😭 and like i can't just do nothing anymore? i was so used to it and now...... ugh. i STILL haven't played sims (i think it's because ✨depression✨ be hitting sometimes) lol but MWAHAH IM SO HAPPY FOR YOUR NEIGHBOR!AU AND THAT THEY HAD LITTLE BABY LEO!! i feel the name thing.. i just come up with something that sounds nice? i think leo is a nice name, it makes me think about lea michele and the fact that her son's name is Ever Leo but anyway. i don't name my sims after what i want to name my children irl either... idk why though. (i don't know why i'm telling you this but for boy names i love Liam🥰 and if i had twin boys i think i would do Liam and Peter though i am not married to the name Peter.... anywho)

LMAOOO the therpaist coming made me laugh thank you :)) i hope it's helpful? this may be tmi but i've only really had negative thoughts recently and not many healthy outlets so i'm hoping crossing one thing off this sad list will make me feel better :') i think during spring break my anxiety and my depression really spiked? idk, it comes in episodes but yeah THIS GOT REALLY SAD

i think a lot of things when i read your posts but i never say them hahaha so imma say it now: i googled what bon appetit meant ( i also just had to google how to spell it ) but ur right, i feel like bone apple tea makes more sense than bone apple teeth.. the "th" is throwing me off bc how i say it bone appa (like app-a) teet (like you're saying tit but teet lol) so bone apple tea makes more sense to me lol

i never know really know the time difference for anything lmao but est to germany (that's not gmt is it?) is like 6 hours wOAH so it's like 9pm while it’s 3pm here? wowee

i feel mega weird after watching this show called hollywood (darren criss is in it, so is laura harrier and a bunch of other people) but i don't like it💀 i feel really icky rn and idk why but reading your last response to my ask (?) always makes me feel better :')

i am doing what you said btw, i'm typing this on my computer first then gonna transfer it to my phone's tumblr lol but when you said a digital detox, it's interesting cuz i feel like i've been having one since tom's new project was announced? gOD i don't wanna get into it bc i get so triggered but i've been off of instagram since then bc instagram stans literally stand by tom through whatever even when something ain't right- i’m just gonna leave it there bc i’ll continue the rant, but yeah so i took a break lol

also heard abt your driving lesson thing (?) was it that bad? i can't find the old post but someone asked if you hooked up with your lesson person and i was sOOO CONFUSED LMAOO LIKE OK ARIA GET SOME BUT UHH HUH?

now to address the actual response HAHA the way you touch my heart :') by :') bringing :') up :') halle :') being ariel :') (i honest to God don't remember if i brought this up first, forgive me if i did, it's been a minute lmao) i'm always talking about it and i'm pretty sure my family is so tired of me talking about it lmao, but YEAH when i found out they weren't twins i was so surprised but idk why i always thought they were twins? but YOU ARE SPEAKING MY LANGUAGE WITH THE DISNEY TALK- everyone is always like "tiana is my favorite princess" and yea she's strong and stuff but...... she was a frog. for almost the whole time. it's about time we got another one!! i do agree with some people on the fact that disney should just make another black princess but halle is adorable and i was ariel on stage so it's already really special to me :')

yeah lol there are good times with my brothers but they make me mad for a good portion of the time (there's the 12yo vincent and the 7yo daniel but vincent??? psshhh he is a piece of work and i'm not sure how much longer i can put up with him HAJAH AND YES VINCENT IS THE ONE WHO WAS 👁👄👁WHEN I CRIED AND THE ONE WHO DOESN'T LISTEN TO MUSIC- writing this now makes it sound like vincent is awful. which he isn't... we're working on him ig. not to add to the awfulness but no, he listens to obnoxious loud VIDEO GAME MUSIC and won't stop when we ask him to stop... he gets beat up a lot) anyway i imagine being an only child is really calming.. like you have time to yourself and its just you and your parents 😌

yeah let me know if you end up watching it (wandavision)! i think it's great but if you like it lmk!! tfatws is sooo good like PHEW i am honestly loving it. sidenote: j*hn w*lker makes me wanna jump through the screen and choke him to the ground. i was thinking right, and the falcon and the winter soldier (THATS SO MUCH EASIER FAJHKDAH) would techinally be like a 10 hour movie right? because every episode is an hour long and there'll be 10 episodes? like wow. i get what you mean though, abt the racism in the show etc, like looking forward to it but not like..... no i get what you mean i will not try and give another example lol but you make me wanna learn more languages like really badly (bc of what you said about the german to american translation) & if you end up watching hamilton PLEASE LMK ABT THAT TOO HAHAHA i love it so much, same thing with lion king lmaoo

speaking of germany, i was at lunch on saturday with my mom and her friend and we were talking about my schooling and like-- she planted this idea in my head lol like what if i just got my GED and went around the world (to england probably) to get a theatre experience??? and i think it sounds so cool but no where near practical lol, it's just..... the dream haha and i would then try and learn a language 😉

uh yes we absolutely should order basically a resturant meal at a cinema, how about burgers, chips (fries), and a large drink? any time next week works for me, should i pick you up?

also about cherry (which i still haven't watched yet lol) i got the timestamps from tumblr😌 i couldn't find them anywhere else, but i agree, i probably wouldn't even look twice at cherry if tom wasn't in it? like i liked tdatt a lot, but it's not a movie i would be itching to see ya know?

HAHAHAHA THE 24 HOUR NOTIFICATION- i think i have around 1030 hours on sims? but i've had it since 2019 lmao (reading the screenshots, yes u are 100% a genuis, i take screenshots too but on anon you can't upload them so i just read them and retype what i wrote lmao) i think the university experience in the game is fun, but time consuming and it's all work imo. idk why i do it so often tho 😭😭😭

and agreed!! when you're making good money in the game you have to find other ways to make it interesting. my cousins who play it just continously do "motherlode" and i'm like.... then what do you do in your game?? it just sounds boring to me... my current sims household, i had a famous comedian sim, her name was dylan, aND SORRY IM LAUGHING SO HARD WHILE WRITING THIS BC ITS A GREAT EXAMPLE OF THE UNI THING UNLESS IM JUST DUMB, she went to college for communications when i wanted her to be a comedian and when she graduated i realized that degree did nothing for the career 🥲 so yeah, i think i'm just dumb. but she had a kid in college, guy didn't stick around and she was pretty broke HA but then she got married to this (great) guy named steve, made good bank, had 5 more kids (two sets of twins and one more lol) but then she passed. uhm... yeah that's still an open wound . lol i'm kidding, but when you get rich like that, you have to find a way to make the game interesting and i chose a million kids.

(this was one giant paragraph until i broke it up uhh yeah) i seriously don't pay attention to the sims prices and just end up spending way too much money and not being able to finish the rest of the house😭 but then again, i'm so used to having sims live in apartments... if i end up building a house FIRST OF ALL it'll look like what you explained before lmao but i'll tell you if i actually end up building a house HAHA & planning out your sims game is so fun to me lol, did enisa and michael take in his daughter yet? i may be thinking too far ahead lol and i love that they fucked woohooed (i say woo woo lol) in celebration HAHA but when i was playing with this one couple i had them woo woo every night hoping the dude would have horrible pull out game and they would concieve, but one night they were too tired and i was like why? get back in there man. if i was in college and lived with my partner we would be fucking every night homie. be grateful. i have been talking a lot about sims, and like you said: enough 💀 i just love this game a lot 😭😭

SORRY LAST THING i think the sims romantic and sexual stuff is so nice bc its what i want?? LMAO IDK like the whole hot tub thing you're talking about- puh lease ITS JUST NICE TO SEE OKAY

i'm reading the german section over again and i said aloud "my german friend is so cool" lol (i was saying that to my brothers & i know they don't care LMAO) (& i'm glad the uni zoom call went well!!) so on a form, in german, it could possibily say Einführungsveranstaltungsteilnehmer because you would be a participant to an introductory event? i swear german sounds so cool 😌 but i love reading your german lessons!! it's really interesting, most of the time my brain can't comprehend it tho?? like that word makes sense to you, but i need a translation. like to be able to look at that and know what it says.... its just appealing and seems so cool lol i kinda wanna write something out in german but i feel that google translate will fail me. während googeln "google übersetzen" mein Computer war so verdammt langsam und es fühlte sich einfach wie etwas Gutes auf Deutsch zu sagen. ich bin nicht sicher, welches Wort ist "fucking", aber ich mag es lmao (did it fail me like i thought it would??)

LMAOOO THANK YOU FOR BRINGING UP JUSTIN BC WHILE AT THE RESTURANT THEY PLAYED A JUSTIN SONG AND I IMMEDIATELY THOUGHT OF YOU AND THIS STORY😭 lol i was thinking it's depending on your age but not even that either... i really don't know.... but tom's fans are hollanders💀 i would consider myself one? he's the only person i'm really into like that (like a lot lol) so idk lmao (directioners 💔💔the pain is real)

LMAOOO (both of these paragraphs started off with “lmaooo” smh) "i like my men when they look like they are on the brink of death" PLEASE, i don't like pete's blonde hair... i just don't. i'm not sure if i wasn't watching the most recent snls but yea. my mom thinks he looks like trash, but i think he's okay? like he said staten island people just look like trash LMAO and I STILL HAVEN'T SEEN KING OF STATEN ISLAND GIRL I ALMOST FORGOT ABOUT THAT!! now i'm gonna make plans to watch it lmao, & yes agreed i find pete hot, don't ask why i really couldn't explain it to someone he's just .

my favorite songs from rex are from pony oh my goodness 🥺 anywho i'm gonna go eat cereal (i ended up eating bun and cheese instead) and listen to the Stormzy songs you recommended... aria. aria aria aria. i would like to thank you for introducing me to stormzy i- i don't have any words or any emojis to express HOW GOOD STORMZY IS. i hope he's popular in germany/the uk because i haven't heard of him but GURLLLL

one second - delicious i love it. it's really good. it’s not my favorite from the album, but its great.

superheroes - at first i played the non-explicit one (on accident) and wondered why the words weren't playing but i was reading them in the lyrics??? THIS ONE THOUGH??? IS THE BEST SONG I THINK I'VE EVER HEARD. i am so SO SO into black people empowering songs (like brown skin girl by beyonce) and this song???? PHEW I CRYYYYY ITS SO GOOD.... i was gonna quote some lyrics BUT THERS TOO MANY I LOVE, "i am young, black, beautiful, and brave" "black queen, you're immaculate, it's coming at the world, they ain't ready for your magic yet, and that was never your fault" THAT WAS NEVER YOUR FAULT- I ALMOST CRIED THIS SONG IS SO BEAUTIFUL (i played it twice lol)

lessons is another beautiful one, like its slow and it feels intimate and nurturing and just OO chefs kiss, beautiful . like you can feel the apology and the regret... it’s so good

own it - OWN IT OWN IT OWN IT IS AMAZING!! swear you would catch me dancing to this song, this song is so fucking good i cannot comprehend like this one might be my favorite for real... "it's the way you wind up your waist, i'm so in awe, you never have to worry abt nothing, you know its yours, you know you own it" 🥲 i played it two or three times honestly

rachael's little brother - YES I DID LISTEN TO IT LMAO AND YES I LIKE IT, its a very complex song and it's very layered in terms of emotions i think and i really like that about it. i probably won't listen to it that often, but its really good. i would recommend this song to my "older brother" bc he would just absolutely love this

shut up - i was taking this song seriously (also very good) until i heard him say shu-T up LMAO, this one is good, i probably wouldn't listen to it 24/7 like rachael's little brother but honestly its still fire

before listening to blinded by your grace and vossi bop, i know you brought up the religion bit, i definitely don't mind that, especially because i'm Christian lol and i actually liked that he brought up God in some of his songs like idk i just like it🥰🥰

(i then went to bed after that lol but first thing in the morning i listened to superheroes and... that song is probably my favorite tbh, i was gonna write MORE quotes that i loved from it but, yeah no there's too many. if you want i'll tell you lmao but this is already so long i would just be quoting the whole friggin song)

VOSSI BOP IS A BOP (lol) I CANT EVEN LIE, i love a song that hypes up a dude's girl so the line- i love that my phone decided to fail to load the lyrics, lemme google it, okay the lyric "looking at my girl like what a goddess" i was like AYEEE its honestly just really good. and no one in america says "sauce" like "i've got the sauce" but now i do (thanks to love island and Nas from last season) and now stormzy so (also im gonna watch the music video for superheroes bc it looks great so 😛)

(because this is already so long i feel like i shouldn't finish the rest but . no i'm gonna do it)

now for blinded by your grace pt2 idk why i’m nervous lmaoo PAUSE I'M NOT EVEN DONE WITH THE SONG GIRL THIS SONG IS *chefs kiss* no words, speechless PHEW y'all gon make me start jumping around. why did i not know about stormzy before, he is amazing i- ok yeah i finished the song, all i have to say is that Stormzy is immaclucate. period. i am literally sending his music to all my friends he is..... amazing

you want my song recommendations 🥺🥺 hmm uh okay lol i listen to a lot of old music, whitney houston, marvin gaye, queen, celine dion, i love "more than words" by extreme uhmm okay, but for actual music i listen to on the daily? (this is a lot of different music like.... they do not go together lmao so be prepared) a song about being sad by rex orange county, betty by taylor swift and lover by taylor swift and... most of that album lol, treasure by bruno mars lmao, OOOO and versace on the floor by bruno as well, lazybaby by dove cameron, creep by tlc has been on repeat lol, deja vu by olivia rodrigo (i saw what you said about drivers license and AGREED LMAO but i like deja vu a lot more haha) and two albums that i listen to in general, rare by selena gomez and ungodly hour by chloe x halle 🥰 you don't have to listen to all of them or any of them lol but that's a sense of what i'm into :) so basically everything haha, i'm into literally every single kind of music really so i wasn't too surprised that i enjoyed stormzy :’)

HAHASBSJHAHA your h20 story cracked me up,, like "wow these actors are so dedicated, learning german just for us" 😭 the beauty of overdubbing

once again, math and maths, in my mind maths makes sense because its mathmatics, but saying maths doesn't feel right to me lol, like if i said maths i feel like everyone would look at me like ??? and yea i was taught it as math so its just more natural for me. but yes math/maths is disgusting, easily one of my least favorite subjects so .

mkay. i- the first time i read this i could not contain my laughter when you said the only pollen you know is sex pollen LMAOKOOSHBABJFAJF STOPPP I'M EVEN LAUGHING WRITING THIS,, anyway. wow! that's interesting, my dad (<<< mostly anything else) gets migraines from the sun and the heat and stuff, yesterday (sunday, i was outside for like hours watching my brothers play football, the american kind lol) i was in the sun for like ever and i got a headache😔

summer clothes🥲 i need to go shopping fr fr. for my birthday my mom and dad got me a giftcard like dedicated to a shopping spree and we've yet to go so..... i should bring it up to my mom lol, but!! i went bra shopping (ended up returning literally all of them cuz they honestly didn't work for day to day work? its a long story) and if i could i would walk around in this new "summer bra" i got, i would. it's so fricking cute and its really light fabric (which isn't perfect for my nipples but still) so i don't get hot in it, but that bra and some shorts would be perfect. its the closest thing to being naked so

IS THE BIRD STILL BOTHERING U ARIA, TELL ME NOW ISTG, i laughed really hard that the bird isn't stupid and is really trying to torture you LMAOO like i was rolling, it wants you to suffer, badly

when you said "mensus" it was still close to mens!!! latin speaking queen 😌😌

okay STORYTIME i was reading back your response and started (fake) crying bc i love you lol and my youngest brother (daniel) gon say "oh man, catherine's crying about something we don't care about, again" I--- i swear when i tell you about them they sound awful, but they aren't that bad, just the stuff i say about them is sounds really mean LMAO

but the thing you said about being kind, same, what i always say is: don't be the person that makes people say "i hate people" ya know? like there's no reason to be a jerk or anything.... but its true 🥺🥺🥺🥺 you are really kind and every time i talk to you i would like to personally fly to germany and give you a hug 💖💕💞💗💓💝💖💘

& i'm gonna show my stretch marks some love bc of you 🥺😭 i really hate how men have basically everyone conditioned that you can't love your own body </3 fuck them, y'all beautiful :')

also thanks for what you said :')) you literally are the kindest, sweetest person i think i've ever spoken to and i love you 🥰🥺🥲💓💗

READING YOUR TAGS HAHAHHAHA the spelling errors makes everything so much funnier. once again, i like your german lessons & yea!! i'm gonna play sims after writing this hahah

#catherine's tags are back #i don't think i've told you my name before?? #anyway it's catherine🥰🥰🥰 #i'm typing this on my computer (without emojis) and if i didn't edit this you would be reading shit shite like #heartface and pout and cry LMAO #yeah abt the tattoos #some stuff with my parents i'm like deal with it??? lol #my mom tells me "if there's something you enjoy or you like but i don't have the same opinion on it... why would my (my mom's) opinion matter? #and i love that #like i'm not gonna go and do whatever i want #but if my mom doesn't like that i swear (which isn't true just an example) #its like okay.... #but whatever #and your tattoo ideas sound really cute!! #and yeah @ your parents, i mean you aren't getting something wild #and the tattoo album>>> #i'm gonna look up ariana's butterfly tattoos just so i know what you mean lol #but i'm guessing you don't want something so incredibily simple, but not super like over the top? #correct me if i'm wrong lol #LMAO the tags were in order don't worry ! #and yeah lol ily2 <33 #and once again, again, sorry for this post JSHJS ITS A MESS AND LONG AS HELL #and you don't need to go in order of my post its literally longer than your german compound words #u're fine #also !!! while writing this the birds were chirping outside and i was like 😳 #and one of your fics (i’ve read all of them, i don’t remember lol) that valentine’s day one where y/n had lingerie on (the pancake one lol) #inspired me to buy lingerie #like when i look back on me “growing up” #that fic & basically you lol really helped with that #that made no sense and i don’t know how to make it make sense... but... yeah. like ily

hiiiiiiiiiii <3333

Dear catherine, 😌

(you have said your name before, but it wasn‘t like an introduction or anything i think you were talking about .... was it possibly the incident at the cinema??? And you said something like ‘calm down catherine‘ like you were telling yourself to calm down idkd dkdkkdkd anyway i didn‘t mention it cause i wasn‘t sure if it was an accident or not dkdjd but now i know 😌❤️ Catherine is such a cute and lovely name btw omg and so are your brothers‘s names 🥰

Sorry that I‘m answering this so late, it‘s been an emotional rollercoaster for me since last week but i‘ll get to that in a second lol

Sksklssk girl i haven‘t played sims in like 2 weeks now ekejdkdlldld ok that‘s not that long at all actually but i keep wanting to play but then i end up not playing for whatever reason, so no news about my sims game 😔 but i love the names Liam and Peter and for twins!!! That sounds really nice actually

okay i‘m trying to answer your ask in chronological answer even though i wanted to wait for the depressing stuff and write it at the end or something OKAY so. i thought that i‘d feel so good when i start uni and that i‘ll like... have a purpose in life again and just be happy (cause in the last year i didn‘t do much and i was depressed like half of the time lol).... anyway i kind of feel even worse now? 😭 i think it‘s because in my brain it‘s like: university!!! that means your life will change and it‘ll all be so exciting. and don‘t get me wrong it is exciting butttt..... idk the online thing is so weird cause you‘re not meeting any new people (i‘m introverted anyway but still lol) and it doesn‘t feel like you‘re listening to/talking to actual people cause it feels the same as just watching a video?

also i thought i‘d be busy again but i only have one lecture (90mins) a day and theres one day where i dont have any lectures at all and just one day where i have 3 hours but.... idk i mean i shouldn‘t complain about having so much free time but i just don‘t know what to do all day and in a pandemic there really is nothing to do but i also can‘t relax bc it‘s like during the week and i know i have uni the next day and .... yeah.

There‘s also this one assignment i had to do that took me AT LEAST SIX HOURS AND IM NOT EVEN EXAGGERATING????? so that was the only thing i‘ve been doing besides “going to“ lectures. for this one course we have to read two (really really long) texts (like it literally took me 3 hours to read them) and we‘re supposed to post it on this website that all the professors in our uni use. So after 5 days of anxiety (✌🏼) i posted mine this morning bc last night i realised that i didn‘t even know why i was having anxiety so i just posted mine today. The deadline is tomorrow at 12 and no one except me has posted theirs yet........ so i have anxiety again 🥰 cause idk if i‘m the only one who did it or if i even did it correctly

Edit while i‘m rereading this: my anxiety about uni is a lot better and i‘m not as d*pressed anymore maybe it was just hormones? idk but i‘m better so that‘s good

(I started writing this like 5 hours ago and then i randomly completely forgot lol)

I‘m in a better mood now though so let‘s move on from that (oh wait also, i think i‘m gonna see if i can find a psychiatrist bc with my anxiety symptoms (long story) i need to go to a psychiatrist, and so far i‘ve only gone to like psycholgists and it didn‘t help but i think that‘s just bc i was meant to go to a psychiatrist and not a psychologist so dldjdjsj

n e ways but yes you‘re not alone, ily, things will get better and yes i love you (i‘m not good at this type of thing🥲 but i‘d hug you right now if i could <3)

Yess i think the time difference between est and me is 6hours but gmt is uk time i believe? i think mine is called.... cet? For central european time? I could be completely wrong though lmao

Oof i completely forgot about hollywood, i remember when laura kept posting about it on instagram but i never actually watched it and i definitely won‘t now lmaodkdksjsn

Okay my driving lesson LEBDJDKDK I DID NOT HOOK UP WITH ANYONE AKSJSKSMMLM especially not my 40 or 50 year old driving instructor lol i like her but NOT LIKE THAT, the lesson was really really really good actually and i think i‘ll have my driving test soon, but i don‘t even remember why the anon would have thought that??? Oh wait now i remember okay KEKSKDLDL so during the lesson my instructor was like do you mind if i turn on some music? AND THIS WOMAN TURNED ON ONE DIRECTION I LOVE HER so i made a post about it and i said something about the song up all night and i guess i phrased it in a .... idk in a dumb way 💀 so the anon made a joke that i stayed up with my driving instructor all night and NO. No.

Wait did i read that right? YOU WERE ARIEL ON STAGE? SIALDBDJDKSLMSBDKDMDMDKDJSLSMDJFJJEDMBFEKLEFBJDLDVSIDLESKSKWKDKDJDOWNYUEKWNDUWLNSUFLWVSUDLEHDOENSIDBEISBEHENJELBSIEMWUDNRIW KB WOBE JO ON SBEUU HIII S HWS LV W ICH US KB okay this keyboard smash is getting out of hand but uh please do elaborate on that 💘😌???? Like you can‘t just drop that information and not say more??? I forgot if you‘re in like your school‘s drama group (is that a thing? lol idk anything about acting) or in an independent group? Either way - ARIEL that is so fucking cool

Your brothers loooooool, no i get it though obviously you love them and stuff but esp at their age children are so annoying so good luck with them 😭😭😭lmao

Yeah “anyway i imagine being an only child is really calming.. like you have time to yourself and its just you and your parents 😌“ yeah just me and my parents who constantly fight 🥰 lmao no i like being an only child, like i cannot imagine having siblings but i feel like if i had siblings i would be saying that i can‘t imagine being an only child so? but i do think it‘s quite different like i‘m trying to imagine having siblings and WHAT that‘s just so different omg i‘ve never really thought about it like properly ???

I saw a tik tok the other day that was like “sometimes i forget that my siblings have a life of their own. like i see them as side characters in my life“ and even though i can‘t relate obviously i felt that. lol, like i can really imagine how it feels idk what i‘m talking about like shut the fuck up, daria

(also my actual name is daria not aria but i dont like it, and also i wanted to be more anonymous on tumblr so now i‘m aria lmao. pls don‘t mention it though cause no one knows except for you and mel (peterbenjiparker) dkdkdkdnkdnd. but i‘m starting to identify with the name cause everyone keeps calling me that looool😭😭😭 (but i like the name, more than daria anyway? well it also depends on the accent, cause the way germans say daria is okay. the was Americans say it is also okay, but some of my family in England are from the north of england and i don‘t like how they say my name 💀 no offence to them(?) but yeah pls don‘t mention the name in your ask cause the chance of people seeing it is higher then (or if you want to say something about it just send a separate ask and i just won‘t post it (IDK what you‘d want to say about my name but yeah just in case slsldlldmsndnsns)

I‘m loving falcon and winter soldier so much but when i was watching an episode the week before last week (?) my laptop broke😭😭😭😭 during the scene where the dora milaje came at the end my laptop just shut down? And it had these lines all over the screen and i had to bring it to the shop where i bought it and they said it‘ll take 6-8 weeks to repair 💔💔💔 but at least it‘ll be for free, cause if i brought it back to apple it would cost like 400€ (i think that‘s nearly 500$) so yeah. but it sucks cause now i‘m “going to uni“ on a really old rusty laptop and on my phone which kinda sucks. oh yeah and also i can‘t watch anything on there 😭 i definitely want to watch wandavision but it‘ll have to wait🤧

Yessss you should def get your GED! I googled and I‘m still not entirely sure what it is dldks but from how you described it- YES!!!!!!

Idk if you know this? Like no idea if I‘ve told you this already (hmmm wait i feel like we talked about it actually?) anyway i was originally gonna go study in England, but for loads of reasons I ended up staying in Germany and I‘m def happy with my decision, but I definitely want to go to England sometime even if it‘s just for six months or maybe for my masters or something? And (obviously everyone is different) but i think everyone should go abroad and live in a different country once in their life, no matter if it‘s for school or what, and even if it‘s just for a few weeks. But i think that‘s something that you‘d never ever forget! And combining that with your acting/theatre??? You really would be living the dream 💘💘😌

how about burgers, chips (fries), and a large drink? any time next week works for me, should i pick you up?— sounds good see you soon 🥰🥰🥰

i used to be one of the people who‘d just do motherlode motherlode motherlode and just... what did i do? Why did i do that??? But not anymore lol. Like I said i haven‘t played sims in a few weeks but i‘ve been watching a few legacy challenge let‘s plays and usually i play with the aging off. So my sims just don‘t age 💀 but i could (should) turn aging on so that it stays exciting and i have limited time and everything. and once i get bored with my current sims i can just make them have kids and continue playing as their children when they get older- like recently i remembered that i haven‘t played the acting career in ages? and i haven‘t had a shop in ages? and i think you can even become a vet right??? like those are definitely some things i want to do in the next weeks!!! Also yes sksksjs i have a few hundred hours on sims as well (if not thousands 😭) it was just that one household that i‘d been playing with for 24hrs

AND GIRL SSKSKJD THE UNIVERSITY THING HAPPENED TO ME TOO, it was a while ago so i don‘t remember what degree and what job it was about but i made my sim study something for aaaaaages so she‘d get a better job from the beginning (you know what i mean like get in at a higher level)...... and i apparently studied the wrong thing cause i didn‘t get any benefits from studying and still had to start at level 1 and shit 🥴🥲

Oh also (this was like 2 weeks ago) Enisa and Michael did take in Michael‘s daughter and i think Enisa currently even has a higher/better relationship with the daughter than Michael but um💀💀💀 also i was hoping (since michael and enisa married (in their back yard i think lol) that the daughter (i forget what her name is😭) would have enisa as her step mom? Like you know how you can see the relationship and it says daughter or son or sister.. and i was hoping that it would say step mom but it doesn‘t say anything 🥲 but in my mind (and if the sims had proper family relations) she is her step mom😌 also Leo is a teenager now???? I mean I aged him up lol dkdk he was being too annoying as a toddler but i don‘t like children so i aged him up twice in one day and now he‘s a teen, but that means he can look after his half sister when she becomes a toddler which is good (the game recognises them as siblings tho even if they‘re just half siblings? why can‘t they have step family members in the sims🥲) okay i‘ve annoyed you enough with sims ✋🏼

I‘ve been a bit sick these past few days and now i‘m getting a headache so i have to finish this response tomorrow 😭😭😭 </3

It‘s not tomorrow, it‘s 3 hours later but i‘m better lol

oooff when sims are ungrateful and won‘t woo woo (lol i like that) cause they‘re too tired like?? Be grateful that you‘re not living with your parents anymore 🙄 no okay dkdkdkdl idk if you play with mods (i don‘t) but i know there is a mod (or it‘s part of a mod idk maybe wicked whims?) where you can adjust the percentage of how risky a normal woo woo is, like you still click woo woo (3dksksks okay i‘ll say woohoo again— wait is that what’s it called? 😭) but there‘s like a 25% chance that your sim can still get pregnant just like in real life there‘s always a chance of getting pregnant even if you‘re using protection (just not 25% lmao) but yeah i personally don‘t play with mods sksk and you can always just click try for baby but it would be cool if you could add stuff like risky woohoo to the game without mods (i have no idea how to download mods and i play sims on a really really old laptop and sims is literally tje only thing that works on it anyway so—) i repeat my words from earlier: okay i‘ve annoyed you enough with sims ✋🏼

okay i‘m so sorry i‘m gonna watch fast & furious 1 now cause i need to watch f&f 1-5 until the 30th of april cause they‘re only on netflix til then (i mean i could watch them somewhere else but the quality is never as good) so i will finish this tomorrow after all😭

it is now 1 am, i finished the film, can feel a new obsession coming up again (i always have these f&f obsessions for six months before and after a new film comes out)

THE GOOGLE TRANSLATE wkekdjdj tbh it sounds like someone is speaking with some kind of foreign accent i guess that‘s probably because it just is a direct translation and so anyway slsjsj i don‘t know if you asked me what the word fucking is in german? like idk cause the translation is a bit weird but in case you asked lol sidjsjs theres not really a good translation like we just say fuck for fuck lmao, i don‘t know if you typed in fucking in google translate and it came out as verdammt? cause that means damn (or damned sksjjs) ummm yeah idek if/what you asked so imma move on🤧

I‘m not gonna comment on what you said about every stormzy song cause you already said all the important things but SKSKSJSJSKNSNDBDUDOENWBSLSKKHSULSLSKSBSJSKSK I WAS SMILING SO HARD WHEN I READ YOUR RESPONSE FOR THE FIRST TIME BECAUSE AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH finally i know someone who loves him as much as i do 💘💘💘 also since you brought it up, i‘m pretty sure he‘s considered the most successful UK rapper or if not then at least top 3 so he‘s defffffffffinitely big in the uk, in germany more and more people are listening to uk rap too but not as much stormzy cause theyre dumb apparently 🙄 but anywY i‘m sooooo sooo happy that you like him. i think hith came out end of 2019 (i could be wrong but i think it came out on the 13th of december so (in a european way) you‘d write the date: 13.12 and obviously i don‘t KNOW this but i can definitely imagine that he chose that date because ACAB and yes, Michael. Yes. But he hasn‘t made too much music since then so i hope he‘s working on some new stuff 🤞🏼

Also i ordered the stormzy poster😌 also a nicki minaj one bc i decided i‘m gonna have one wall with red-ish posters (i already have two kinda red ones) and one with blue/green-ish posters (already have two) and i can add stormzy to the blue one and nicki to the red one, but i think that‘s it cause if my walls are tooo full it could look cluttered? I‘m not sure how that type of thing works lmao but my room is generally untidy so i don‘t want the walls to look unorganised too so i think that‘s it for now

I really want to finish this now but my brain is getting kinda slow and i need to sleep soon so this will have to wait till later after all 🥺🥴 (not that it makes and difference to you bc you‘ll see this whenever i post it buttttt i wanted you to know that i want to talk to you again but with my slow brain i‘m just taking too long to do it in one day😭😭😭 and i‘m so busy tomorrow hmm but i‘m sure i‘ll have 30 minutes to finish this then <3)

Okay wait I‘m so dumb I didn‘t realise I‘d nearly answered everything i could have posted this yesterday 😭😭

Oooohh that summer bra sounds so nice like if i was confident enough i literally would just wear a top that resembles a bra (or really is a bra lol) cause my tiddies always be looking amazing i‘m just insecure about my stomach sometimes 🙄🙄🙄 but recently i‘ve been loving myself more and more tbh 😌

also i hope you can go shopping for some nice clothes soon ✨😌

I‘ll be honest I haven‘t listened to your song recs YET but only because i wanna take my time with them and i‘ve been so busy and slso AJ tracey‘s album came out last week and I haven‘t listened to that one yet either so ekdkdj (he‘s also a uk rapper like quite popular and successful as well, but i feel like i‘m not gonna like his album cause whenever i‘m looking forward to an album it ends up being really bad and the albums where you weren‘t expecting it turn out to be bangers.... so yeah but i‘ll let you know when i listen to your songs!!!! :)

Omg i keep having to scroll up all the way to see the next thing you said so sorry if I completely miss some of the things you said😭😭

So when you sent this the bird was still bothering me oh my FUCK DKDLDMMDMDMD but now i‘ve been going to bed at like 1-2am so the bird is probably still asleep lool

Okay and for the rest of your ask my response is: 💘💖❣️💚❣️💛❣️💛💕💞❤️💓💟💞💕💕💖💘💝💟💟🧡❤️🧡💞💛💚💓💚💚💚❣️🧡💖💘🧡💝🧡💕💘🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥺🥺🥺🥰🥺🥺💘💘💘💘💘 (okay that looked cuter in my head i don‘t really like the green hearts dldkkdksndnd)

#lovely anon #<3333333333333 #‚‘it‘s literally longer than your german compound words‘ LMAODKDMSLDKSLKS #ignore the comma at the beginning of the last tag????#aww wait i just read what you said at the end of your tags🥺🥺💘💘💘#love youuuu #ooooof i‘m reading my response and do i not know what a period is? like period as in. full stop.#my sentences are literally paragraphs and i use keyboard smashes to separate sentences from each other like what‘s wrong with me???#or ‚lol‘ snd ‚lmao‘#imma need me to do better (did you listen to heavy is the head as a whole? like the whole album? the song do better is stuck in my head toda #today so)#i‘ll try to write normal length sentenced in the future💀#sentencessss*

6 notes · View notes

let-it-show · 4 years

Text

Making Frozen 2, Quick Look

I know there’s another review out there and....er well probably several at this point. But I still wanted to make my own, maybe I’ll hit something someone else hasn’t. The documentary was very good, too. Whether you like Frozen 2 or not, the way they showed the entire process was really cool to take in. They visited with people from different departments and showed several steps and then how they come together. There’s a lot of little things to cover there but if I were to try and catch everything I...would just post a link to the episodes instead :P It was very cool to see how the Lopez couple puts together music. Watching the major songs coming together and seeing how they try to work out parts of the plot through backs and forths with the songs is inspiring. I know that it seemed like a rush job on how little they had of the movie a few months out but when you watch you easily see how every little step, every drawing, every note, every sound takes discussion and scrutiny. And, honestly, how MUCH a story changes in the process with more minds feeding forth new ideas. The end did leave me emotional, even if I think they put out a super flawed story. I DO noticed that during the doc they barely touch on the story of the sisters TOGETHER. That should have been the main thing to stay aware of. Anyway I’ll just highlight a few good and bad things under the cut, I took a few notes here and there.

- From early on in screenings they had a lot of people confused. Jenn Lee and Chris Buck expected their work to be torn apart and it definitely was. I’m not sure how much they learned from it, because they were told early on that it was confusing, very dark, and they needed notes to keep track lol. I’m wondering if this was a screening where Elsa was left as dead? They didn’t mention it if so, and in fact, they never brought up that possibility. I hate it but I wish they had to talk about why it didn’t work at all. - Idina’s reaction to seeing Into the Unknown animated was precious and I want that known. Nice to see her seeing her work being used and being so happy about it! - ...I have another note about Lopezes’ (how do you pluralize that!?) music but no idea what it meant. - Heartwarming note, there is a hall in WDAS that displays framed letters sent from fans about how touched they were by certain movies. The one read about Frozen was featured in the doc’s trailer. - Show Yourself was a production hell song. Lol. They had ideas on what it would be about and sold it as Elsa “coming home” and almost named it “I’m Home”. Which I believe Kristen Lopaz kind of bluntly pointed out was dumb, powerfully singing “I’m home” was actually kinda mundane. (In my personal opinion that sort of phrase usually is followed by “Did u make dinner” so yea glad that title was scrapped). Originally Elsa was to see a reflection of herself as what she was meant to be, and then she would step into it. Then the transformation. That wasn’t working no matter what they did. Story wasn’t working and the idea was odd and well they just went round and round on it. Eventually they ended up tying it up with the All Is Found and tossed in Elsa’s mother. Which as we know, ended up amazing. And of course for this they decided she was going to be down inside the glacier, and Ahtohallan had to actually be designed and created and THAT was a process too. It was cool to see Brittney Lee in the process of putting the visuals for that idea together. The lullaby was also adjusted pretty late, to make it more powerful/moving with the orchestrated parts. And then tie in with the end, which they called “locking the movie down”. It may sound dismissive to say they didn’t know what they wanted and just sort of tossed things in but that’s kind of what it came down to. And you can see the messiness. But where these things worked, they WORKED. Show Yourself was ridiculous but we got a powerful, incredibly moving song and scene out of it. The time taken to figure it out did well. I could have lived without Jenn Lee repeatedly going on about “Elsa is HOME”, though, and calling her lonely. Was frustrating. Actually watching her frustrated me a lot and I was a little surprised by that... - Lost in the Woods coming together was quite cute. Whatever you think of Kristoff, it was nice watching Groff work on his parts. Also he seems like a teddy bear?? He had to record a number of reindeer voices. And also this scene made a bit of a challenge for the reindeer riggers, because this movie, the reindeer had to SING. So they had to figure that out. There was an adorable animator that took a video of herself acting out the expressions she thought Kristoff would have during the song, LOL. Love watching the little personal bits they add in. They did touch on Get It Right, a little. I don’t think they explained why they dropped it. Also one of the team said something about Kristoff seeming like a Nick Offerman character which was funny, but he definitely is NOT that in F2. MAYBE F1. But hell I hear that name and think Ron Swanson and Kristoff would have to be a sturdier character to be a Swanson... - The Next Right Thing was kind of straight forward commentary. Good, but nothing stood out since we already know it is a song of deep pain. Kristen Bell drew from her experience of anxiety and depression. I also deal with those lovely ailments and I the song lines up for me. People have commented this was TOO dark for little kids, maybe, I wouldn’t know. I think young me would have just eaten it up because it was animated with singing. Adult me however resonated with it, as did my own best friend/”Anna”. That feeling of just trying to push forward - to take one step, and then, try hard and take another, and do what feels right - its very real. And I’m going to say it, I felt...seen/recognized seeing this in a kid’s film rather than having to be an adult only seeing depression and anxiety in characters in what is already an adult targeted show/movie. There’s something incredibly important about that and Kristen Bell delivered it amazingly. - Comments about our little Anna included pointing out she’s a lot sadder this movie, and also that...yes, she was more reckless in F1 and more protective in this one because back then she had nothing to lose, now she has everything to lose. Which is a fair statement and what I wish people would see when they go on about Anna being clingy and co-dependent. In her shoes I would be scared to death of Elsa even being in the forest. - Chris Buck spoke about the son he lost, Ryder. It was a difficult part to watch but..I think important to watch. I believe it was Jenn Lee who asked him if she could name a character after his son. And Ryder in the movie is meant to be light spirited and happy. Kinda sounds like Anna after F1! - Jenn Lee: “Are people going to be angry at us for the choices we made on behalf of these characters?” oh honey I’m sure I’m forgetting something because I’m actually a terrible note taker, surprise! But overall I loved watching the creation of the film. However that is kind of where it stops. Like, they touch on story stuff and all that but this is really a “how it’s made” with Frozen 2 as the subject. Don’t get me wrong, it’s fascinating. I knew a lot of work goes into animation and putting together a movie but the way they broke it down and showed it in detail was cool. I just wish we had more cleared up about this story. This connection with Anna and Elsa and the decision to split them, what the hell happened there? Why did the spirits function the way they did; what IS the fifth spirit, exactly? And all that stuff. But, maybe farther down the line. Frozen 2 is a bizarre mess that I love regardless and I’m so happy I got to learn about the nuts and bolts that brought this film to me.

#Frozen 2 #Into the Unknown: Making Frozen 2 #Frozen documentary

10 notes · View notes

violentviolette · 4 years

Note

hi! I saw your recent post about Bakugou having ASPD and in it you mention Todoroki and Izuku and so I was wondering if you wouldnt mind sharing what your headcanons for the other characters were, if you have any?

hhhhh oh man anon. i have... So Many. u have unlocked one of my many soap boxes so strap in. sorry to everyone who didnt sign up for anime when they followed this blog but frankly, thats on u.

SO OKAY I have many nuerodivergent headcanons for the BNHA kids (im assuming thats what u mean here when u say headcanons) so to keep this post shorter than my last novel i’ll just list them and give little blurbs and then if u want more elaboration on certain characters just let me know

Katsuki: comorbid aspd/npd with a smattering of issues from childhood abuse. I wouldnt say katsuki necessarily has ptsd from that (altho he 100% has it after the kamino incident) but i do think he has some lasting issues which we see in how he relates to todoroki (the provisional liscence class chapters with the kids specifically i feel like highlights these things really well imo)

Todoroki: cPTSD & autism. I think shoto is a great positive example of a character on the spectrum. a lot of fandom likes to joke about his “obliviousness” and how he takes everything so literally and has such a flat affect, but imo all of those traits make much more sense when viewed from the perspective of someone whose autistic. Todoroki is smart and kind, but he struggles with identifying his own emotions and the emotions of others, he takes things at face value because he’s bad at reading social ques and emotional tone. he has a hard time handling and processing his own feelings and emotions, often becoming extremely overwhelmed by them. but i also think his PTSD factors deeply into how his autism presents itself, making him much more prone to internalizing his feelings and emotions as opposed to say, Izuku. Todoroki isnt allowed to freely experience and express his emotions during childhood and so instead he turns them off, something thats common for autistic people in abusive situations. feelings are so overwhelming that when all ur feeling is bad feelings, its easier to feel nothing. which is why we see him struggle even to allow himself to feel positive or happy feelings in the present

Izuku: I mean Izuku is like the PRIME example of a character with both adhd & autism. he’s hyperactive, highly distractable, needs tons of stimulation, he STIMS, oh man the stimming. Izuku stims so much all the time and i love it. this boy is so squirmy he CANNOT sit still. heros and all might specifically are his obvious hyperfixations, he attaches large amounts of emotion into his personal objects, he’s deeply empathetic and caring, and because he grew up in a kind, loving environment, his emotions arent blunted and internalized like Todorokis and hes highly excitable and gets emotional easily. this also makes him prone to anxiety, as his emotions are always so close to the surface and his high empathy makes him constantly worry about everyone around him.

Toga: bpd, altho i say this with a BIG caveat. because i understand that the stereotype of the “crazy psycho bpd ex-girlfriend” trope exists and is shit garbage, and so i definitely would side with people with bpd if they feel this perpetuates too many negative stereotypes since toga is a villain. but i do think u could make a good case for her having bpd in a realistic and authentic way and not just as a stereotype. im someone who id’s with villains a lot and doesnt see them as like, negative characters who u shouldnt ever identify with or ur a monster respectability politics type shit. i think good villains are ones that feel human and relatable, but i do agree that perpetuating negative stereotypes isnt good representation (lets not talk about magma because i cant have that conversation civilly).

Iida: I think u could make a good argument that Iida has ocd, but he’s not one of my favorite characters so i dont have a whole lot of contextual evidence at the ready, my apologies

Dabi & Shigi: i mean the league in general is team ptsd but these two shitheads are definitely the king and queen of the whole affair. i feel like i dont even need to really explain this one just go read their backstory chapters (in this house the reality is that dabi is touya todoroki and thats just an accepted fact we will not entertain any fake news to the contrary).

and those are pretty much it! I do think theres a smattering of other things among the characters like Shinsou definitely has depression, Kirishima clearly has some anxiety and self worth stuff, Amajiki is riddled with axiety, ect. but yea, for the most part those are my basic thoughts. thanks for giving me the chance to ramble anon

#bakugou katsuki #todoroki shouto #izuku mydoria #toga himiko #bnha headcanons #mha headcanons #bnha izuku #bnha todoroki #bakugou headcanons #bnha #mha #jack.speaks #anon

29 notes · View notes

n3wg0ryv4mp · 5 years

Text

The Little Dark Rose

(Jung Hoseok FF)

(BTS Fanfic)

Word Limit: 3073

———————————————————

There was something odd about the way the mirror was. It glittered and shined, showing what a person looked like. But isn’t the way you look just a mask? Isn’t everything fake? Doesn’t everyone feel like they have to lie to someone that they love so that they don’t feel more pain from something else?

This is what I believe: Everyone has a mask. It does not matter what they think or do. There is something that someone fears; does not matter what it is. And something that we may believe in can be completely unreal.

This is my take on the world, on my life. Sadly, it is not a fun or happy story. My story is a little on the more depressing side; the darker and demeaning side where nothing is ever right in my life; that’s how it has always been.

Now let me tell you about the sad story of my life. Everything went downhill when I was seven..

》* 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ • 。* 。° 。* 。 • ˚《

I remember standing on the stairs, frozen, as I stared. I started really hard; almost forgetting what I was coming downstairs for. It wasn’t real, it wasn’t real; a mantra in my head. She couldn’t be...

A dead body laid on the floor, limbs tangling into each other. The floor was bloody, and the lights were dimmed. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t just run downstairs and shake her; I knew that was fake since it only happens in movies. I just thought that maybe, if I stood long enough, she would come back alive, joyful that I was looking for her.

But she stayed, sprawled in the ground, never to move or breathe again. My mother was dead and I could never have her sing me songs or read me books anymore.

I could never have her open her arms again, for when I came back from school. I could never have her love again. I blinked, not wanting to think like an adult anymore, and ran down the stairs. But before I could touch my mom, before feeling her cold body, someone grabbed me. Rough hands were all I felt. I looked up, being forced by one of these invading hands; seeing my other parent. My father coldly glared at me, without realizing that I could see the blood on him.

The blood which wasn’t his; the blood that belonged to my kind-hearted mother. The blood that should still be in her body and making her precious heart beat. But it wasn’t in her body anymore because my father killed her; as the weapon was laying down on the kitchen counter behind him.

I looked back into his eyes, the eyes of a demon. I knew right then and there that I was going to have a terrible life.

Funny right? I knew all of this when I was seven. A person shouldn’t know that until they become an angst teen who wants the world to burn. But I knew that only because I was going to live with a monster, a demon, in the shape of my father...

》* 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ • 。* 。° 。* 。 • ˚《

I remember falling in love; made me go on an emotional rollercoaster. And no, I did not fall in love with some girl at school. I fell in love with a boy actually; a sweet one. He was also shy and timid at times, but I liked him. His name was Namjoon, Kim Namjoon.

He was the smartest person in our class, which a lot of people took advantage of. They were only able to do that because Namjoon was the type of person to just do what you asked. It was saddening; Namjoon working on at least twelve people's homework.

You know what was also upsetting at my school? Myself; I was an antisocial person who hid every time someone asked me something. I was so antisocial that I stopped caring how well I did in school. Then my teacher decided that I was going to have a tutor, to bring my grades up.

“I can’t just sit here and watch you lose everything that you worked for, Hoseok.” She has said.

“I understand,” I replied. “I just want to know who my tutor is.”

“Oh, you’re in good hands. You're going to be tutored by Namjoon.” She smiled, probably proud of pairing me up with someone who might actually be able to help me.

I tried to smile back but to no avail. I was too tired for school, even though I should be happy that I even attend still. I think that’s the one thing my father decided to do that was even parenting.

But sometimes, I don’t like coming to school. I get bullied by people because I look like a “whiny bitch”. Which is odd, since I don’t talk to people. There is only one person that I chat with sometimes, but that’s only because he eats lunch on the roof also. It is Jimin, THE Park Jimin. The dancer, the styler, the trend maker; he’s everything. But he never actually liked the attention that he got from people; plus I was the only person he paid attention to anyway for just being around.

But, that is not the point of anything right now. We need to talk about Namjoon; the boy who had my heart in his hands. I remember that our tutoring sessions took place in the library, the most professional place to be when you're failing at everything.

“Hello!”

I walked slowly to see that Namjoon already had all his textbooks out, with notes to help me in the places that I need help with.

“Um... h-hi?” I brought my hand up to attempt a handshake, but that didn’t even happen. My hand just stayed in the air, deciding that it didn’t want to move.

“You’re Hoseok right?”

“Yea...”

Namjoon simply stared at me as I sat down across from him. I wondered what he thought of me.

“Have you been sleeping?” He asked.

“Hmm?!” I was startled by the question, especially since it was the first question since forever asked about my well-being.

“Have you been sleeping? There are dark circles under your eyes...” Namjoon tilted his head, probably trying to get a better look at me.

“No, I have not been sleeping. This has been going on for a few weeks now.” I said while simply shrugging.

“Why haven’t you been sleeping!?” His eyes widened. “Sleep is very important!”

“I know that, but I just can’t because I always have to stri-“ I stopped myself; can’t keep explaining my horrible life.

Namjoon quietly sat across from me, trying to decipher what I said. But I can’t explain it; there’s too much danger in saying it. I also don’t want to ruin whatever image he has of me.

“I won’t tutor you today, but we will start tomorrow AFTER you get some sleep.” He said. “I don’t want your health to be lower than it already is, and I don’t want it to feel like I’m stressing you out.”

“O-Ok...” I looked away, feeling as if I’m being babied. But it was an odd feeling as if there was some care in the world for me.

Namjoon started to pack his things but stopped. He glanced back up at me, curiosity glistening in his eyes.

He then lifted his head and said, “Did you eat lunch today?”

I raised my eyebrows, wondering why he thought of that. Maybe he was making sure that I was actually just missing sleep and I eat on a regular basis. Sadly, I was going to disappoint him.

“No...” I looked away and sighed. I was doing so GREAT. Namjoon simply stood up and stared once more; seems like he likes to stare a lot at people.

“Come with me to my house. Maybe my family could make your food?” Namjoon lifted his arms while shrugging. I stared in shock. No one asked me over to their house before. Ever.

“Uh... um.... I don’t know...” I started to have an anxiety attack. “I don’t think th-that my f-father will allow m-me to go ov-over to your h-house...” I stuttered, unable to focus on one thing.

“Hey, Hey, Hey! Calm down! It’s ok!” He started to wave his hands in my face to stop me from hyperventilating. “Don’t think about what I said; don’t think about coming to my house as I will make sure that you go home. Okay?”

“Uh-huh...” I shook slightly. But once I regained my focus, I swear I was going to panic again.

NAMJOON WAS SO CLOSE TO MY FACE. I didn’t know what to do, but I liked it. I did want to go over to his house and eat an actual meal for once; I just had a problem of travel. My father would not allow me to go over if it was past 3:30 pm. And right now, it was 5:45 pm.

But I started to wonder if Namjoon was asking me out of pity; masking himself. I blinked and almost slapped myself. I knew that Namjoon wouldn’t do that because he was literally the only honest person in our school.

I focused back on Namjoon, who’s face was still close to me. He moved back and smiled sweetly at me.

“You okay?”

“Yeah...” I smiled back. We said bye to each other and I watched him leave the library; then I screamed as loud as I could for being so awkward in front of him.

I picked up my bag a minute later and headed home. I always walked the long way, through the park, so that I stayed as far from home as possible for as long as possible.

I saw the door, along with the man at the porch, and a belt in his hands. I knew this was going to happen. I knew and thought that he wouldn’t be home. I sucked in a breathe and silently told myself that it might not hurt as much tonight...

》* 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ • 。* 。° 。* 。 • ˚《

Are you still here? That’s amazing. I thought that you would run off because of how terrible-sounding my life was.

Oh well.

But one thing that I can tell you after that day with Namjoon, is that we started to hang out more. For tutoring purposes only, of course.

Seriously, did you think I would think of it as tutoring? I was able to stare at his face for as long as I wanted, but only when he was on a spiel about something I was suppose to be tutored on.

But every time tutoring ended, Namjoon would always ask if I wanted to come over. I would say,

‘I can’t because of my father’.

And he would accept that.... until one day he asked me if HE could come over.

“Huh?!” I stared wide-eyed at Namjoon.

“Yeah! What if I come over and hang out with you? Wouldn’t that be cool?” Namjoon sounded so excited about it.

Me... not so much...

I wasn’t fond of it because my father... was not a good man. And he didn’t take lightly of me bring friends over. Trust me, you don’t want to know what happened the last time I brought friends over.

“I d-don’t think that you u-understand Namjoon. I can’t come over because of my dad and y-you can’t come over because he doesn’t like p-people in our house.” I said, trying to explain my fear without him knowing I was fearful.

Namjoon stared at me quietly, probably unsure of how to talk to me; based on his expression.

“Is your father like afraid of people?” He asked. “Does he also have anxiety attacks?”

I shook my head. Namjoon stared at me more, lowering the papers that were in his hands. I knew that I shouldn’t have come toda for tutoring. I didn’t feel good and I felt that something was going to go wrong.

“Ok...” Namjoon blinked a few times before asking me something else.

“Why do you always wear the long-sleeve uniform shirt? I’ve never seen you wear the short-sleeve one.”

That was a question I knew how to avoid, which is depressing, to say the least.

“I don’t like my arms.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I don’t like them. So I cover them. Simple solution.” I stared hard at Namjoon, with a blank face. I didn’t want to tell him the real reason, but I knew that I could lie.

Namjoon squinted at me and opened his mouth to ask, “Then why are there blood stains on your sleeves right now?”

I slightly jumped in my chair, completely off guard. Then I immediately looked at my arms to see that blood was staining my sleeves. The bandages weren’t working.

Shit.

I looked up to see Namjoon’s face filled with worry. I felt like he was masking himself again, but I stopped. I knew that he was honest, so I don’t know why I kept thinking he was masking himself. I knew someone that masked their self all the time; my father.

“Hoseok... are you sure you’re ok?”

“No,” I covered my face. “I’m not ok.”

I felt arms wrap around me and I flinched. I grabbed the arms and pushed them off of me. But I regretted it as soon as I saw Namjoon’s face.

He was surprised, shocked even. Namjoon’s face told me everything. It was weird for a person to shrug someone off when they wrap their arms around you. I was weird. But, Namjoon’s face changes; softened to a more compassionate expression.

Softly, he said, “It’s called a hug, Hoseok.”

Then he wrapped his arms around me again... and hugged me. I haven’t been hugged by anyone since... my mother.

I cried.

I hugged back. Hugs remind me of my mother; hugging was a mom thing to me.

Then I decided that if someone was willing to hug me and actually care for me, then they were special. Namjoon was special.

And this was the first time when I truly realized that I was in love with him. And I couldn’t stop my heart.

》* 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ • 。* 。° 。* 。 • ˚《

Oh no.

Dear lord, please don’t let this happen.

Please, make sure that he is ok.

I ran into my house, terrified of the text that Namjoon sent me.

He came over. But I wasn’t there. I was at the grocery store. My dad is home.

His text didn’t sound like him at all:

‘Hey Seokie! Did you buy any chips? Do you have any video games? What is there to do while I wait for you?’

I never told him that I was buying food.

He knows that everything in the house does not belong to me.

AND HE CALLED ME SEOKIE! HE DOESN’T CALL ME THAT AT ALL!

I’m really hope that he’s messing with me. I really hope that it’s not my father.

Finally, I had reached my house. I saw that the door was open. Meaning that Namjoon just arrived. Meaning that his text message was sent earlier when I arrived at the grocery store. Meaning something was wrong.

I went inside to find that everything was in its place. Nothing was moved or oddly placed, except for Namjoon’s shoes being thrown around on the floor. Namjoon didn’t do that he says it’s disrespectful.

“Why would I throw my shoes around in someone else’s house hyung?”

I ran all over the house, but I couldn’t find Namjoon. I couldn’t find him at all.

When I turned around to the living room again, I saw my father sitting on the couch, staring at me with an expressionless face.

Then he smiled, a smile cynical that it made him look insane. I shuddered, wondering how long he stood there for.

“Well Hoseok, are you looking for something?” He asked.

“No,” I quickly answered; too quickly. He got up and stood in front of me, hovering.

He tilted his head and said, “Really? You’re not looking for someone?”

“No, I’m not.” I looked to the ground.

He found Namjoon; he found Namjoon; he found my boyfriend.

I didn’t know what to do. I wanted Namjoon to be safe and far away from here. I wanted Namjoon to be back in his room, reading some random comic while holding his favorite plushie.

I wanted my Namjoon to be safe.

“Why are you lying?” He grabbed my neck and stared hard at me.

I started to choke; not able to answer him. Then I heard a sound; a kick.

A KICK. Namjoon was alive and somewhere in the house.

My father’s grip tighten and I swore that my life was going to end and Namjoon was going to be trapped; he stopped choking me.

I fell, gasping for air. My father walked away and came back, dragging Namjoon behind him.

Everything froze. He smiled once more, before throwing Namjoon at me. I scrambled to hold Namjoon, to make sure he was ok.

Barely breathing. I looked up, terrified of what was going to happen. But I stared straight... into a blank room.

Namjoon wasn’t with me. My father was gone. Everything was white. I didn’t know what was happening.

I wanted Namjoonie...

》* 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ • 。* 。° 。* 。 • ˚《

I held a rose, a dark one. It reminded me of him. It reminded me of those years in high school where I would see that he was being tormented at his home.

I placed the rose down; it was small. But that was the purpose. He felt small, but he always wanted to feel loved.

I loved him; still do. I want him to remember that. Please let him know that.

I sat down next to the gravestone. I stared at the tomb. I saw his name; but I saw the engraving that I asked to be placed.

I wanted everyone to know the true Jung Hoseok.

“Masks are vital for a person to hide who they truly are... but without the mask, you can find the most special person”

- Jung Hoseok

Date Of Death - March 27, 2029

5 notes · View notes

idiotphobic-archive · 5 years

Note

PLEASE tell me abt ur rantaro hcs omfg

ANON I JSUTT!!!!💞💜💟💛💛💙❤💖❤💓💘💛💗❤💖💓💞💚❤💟💕🖤💕💜💗💖💚💖💜💗💟💖🖤💗🖤💖💋💗💚😍💟💕💓💕💞💗❤💜💘💜💘💞💛💜❤💖❤💓💘💛!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA THANK U ANAOANN!!!!!!!!!!!! UNDER CUT BC I DONT WANNA CLOG UP ANYONES DASHES!!!!!!!!!!!! n im srry these r kinda short i was gettinf super tired :(

frists things first! he’s trans + nb (he/they) and is bi!! :3

he also has social anxiety, adhd and is bipolar!!

ok, yknow how canon apparently says that rantaro has 12 sisters (mostly step-sisters)? uh. yea right lol. i hc tht he has HALF as many

my hc is tht he has 2 younger sisters by blood (and since i assume he’s around16-18), both 16 and 15 respectively!

and then due to both of his parents remarrying, he gained 1 more sister (9) from his mom’s marriage and 3 more from his dad’s marriage (12, 14 and 6)

HE DID NOT LOSE ANY OF HIS SISTERS HE JUST LIKES 2 GET OUTSIDE AND TRAVEL BC OF HIS DEPRESSION FUCK THAT NOISE !!!!!!!!!

speaking of his sisters, this is already canon, but he would kill for and die for every last one of them,

he used to have freckles, but when he got around 13, they started to disappear.

his favorite genre is horror, obviously! he gets kinda scared of them (only slightly, he gets used to it after a while) at first, but loves the plot twists that they have.

(one of his favorites is us (2019) :3)

he also LOVES documentaries! especially murder mystery documentaries

podcasts are also good for him 2 listen 2!!

also he never sits in chairs correctly. he always finds a way 2 sit in a chair incorrectly

he loves both cats and dogs equally, but would probably choose cats just because they can b more chilled out than dogs….

he prefers more loose-fitting clothing (and sometimes his sisters tend 2 steal his clothing, but don’t tell him)

HE!!! CANONICALLY!!!! HAS!!!! AN!!! EYEBROW!!!!! PIERCING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

he likes to wear some of his sisters’ friendship bracelets that they made for him! he loves to show them all off !!!!!!!

OH!!!!! and he defnitely owns a couple of budgies 2!!!!!!!!!

also shhhhhhhh he totally has a collection of plushies that he keeps stored away in his room……

he’s sensitive to aritificial light, so often he has his lights off in his room, usually having his window open or a small lamp on

he occasionally likes 2 dabble in photography and [water-color] painting!!!

#inbox #anon #rantaro amami #danganronpa #< 4 bl? ??? hsdjfhkjsdfhkjshdfjkshdfj THANK U ANON !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#im srry these took a little long !!!!!!!!!! but thank u sm 4 asking !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 💖💖💖💖💖💖 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#Anonymous

3 notes · View notes

tabithahallows · 5 years

Text

I'm sleeping over at a friends house rn right and I didn't want to. Like really didn't want to, like I made up lies about having to help my mother with something tomorrow. That's how much I didn't wanna sleepover. I didn't even wanna come over the day which had been the original plan, but my friend just tells me how depressed she's been lately and I can't say no, so I compromise with myself. I'll stay the day but go home at night. Of course, that doesn't happen because that is never what happens. Every single time I have tried to make it so I don't have to sleepover (and she knows I don't want to) she asks if I can stay because she's really depressed and just needs a friend. Like how the fuck can I say no to that? It always comes back to get me. It's 12:25pm. I can't sleep. My brain is always super active at night so I have a method to help me sleep that requires headphones, which I didn't bring with me because these were last minute plans (that always stresses me out) and I can't ask to borrow some because asking for things always sets off my anxiety so I have to go without which will likely result in hours of me lying awake thinking about how uncomfortable I am and how much I don't even want to be here. I only got two hours sleep last night because I went to bed at like 6am (pretty normal for me) and I woke u to my friend ringing me, practically crying because she didn't wanna be alone today.

At one point I thought about just walking home despite the fact that it's literally midnight and cold as fuck outside, oh, and it's like an hour? Hour a half walk? Like I seriously considered this (and kinda still am tbh even tho it's clearly flawed in more ways than one). Am I a bad person? Yea, probs. But am I also a bed friend? Because I feel like such a bad fucking friend right now

#legit just me ranting #ignore me #social anxiety #anxiety #introvert #life as an introvert #introverted thoughts #introverted #anxiety problems

3 notes · View notes

jooniebeom · 5 years

Text

50 questions tag

tagged by @wonpilism thank u!!

1. what takes up too much of your time? work

2. what makes your day better? playing overwatch with my friend jesse, driving and listening to music

3. what’s the best thing that happened to you today? nothing really stood out about today???

4. what fictional place would you like to go? im gonna stick with your lotr theme and say rivendell

5. are you good at giving advice? i don’t think so, i suck at thinking of things to say

6. do you have any mental illness? idk but i’ve been depressed and dealing with anxiety for a little over a year now :///

7. have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? yes and it SUCKS. but always in this house i would help my bf watch for a family friend that they thought was haunted

8. what musician inspired you the most? probably green day

9. have you ever fallen in love? yes

10. what’s your dream date? i..don’t really have one

11. what do others notice about you? if i’m at work, my name..everyone has to bring up amazon ‘alexa’

12. what is the annoying habit you have? idk, maybe cracking my knuckles?

13. do you still talk to you first love? nope idk if my previous relationships would even count tbh

14. how many ex’s do you have? 4...3 of them were less than a week :///

15. how many songs are on your playlist? i’m lazy and just go off of what spotify makes for me. i used to have a playlist for writing but i haven’t written in 2 years??

16. what instruments can you play? none

17. who do you have the most pictures of? my parents

18. where would you like to go before you die? i wanna take my mom to england :)

19. what is your zodiac? leo

20. do you relate to it? not really, in some instances yes but i only relate to my zodiac if you take all the other signs into account

21. what is happiness to you? being comfortable with how i’m doing in life, living somewhere i can have a new experience every day

22. are you going through anything right now? oh yea

23. what’s the worst decision you’ve ever made? staying in az when my parents moved back to the east coast. i made the decision for stupid reasons that i thought i wanted and now i can’t make myself get up and leave even though my parents would help me move at a moment’s notice

24. what’s your favorite store? i agree target is!! amazing

25. what’s your opinion on abortion? pro-choice

26. do you keep a bucket list? no

27. do you have a favorite album at the moment? want

28. what do you want for your birthday? idk yet, probably gift cards :///

29. what are most peoples first impression of you? that i’m quiet

30. what age do you seem according to most people? around 20

31. where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping? on my bed next to me

32.what word do you say the most? ‘just’, idk why

33. what’s the oldest age you would date? 4 years older (28)

34. what’s the youngest age you would date? 1 yr younger (23)

35. what job/career do most people say would suit you? no one’s ever said lol

36. what’s your favorite music genre? metal but i love everything!!

37. if you could live in any country in the world, where would it be? there’s a few, but germany. i miss it a lot

38. what is your current favorite song? ‘say my name’ by ateez

39. how long have you had this blog for? 2 or 3 years i think, my old one since 2011 probably

40. what are you excited for? nothing really??

41. are you a better talker or listener? listener

42. what is the last productive thing you did? pay off a huge bill

43. what do you want for christmas? to be home

44.what class do you get the best grades in? english classes, some science classes

45. on a scale from 1-10, how are you feeling right now? 4

46. what can you see yourself doing in 10 years? i can’t even think that far ahead right now tbh, hopefully not stuck in the same position i’m in now

47. when did you get your first heartbreak? sophomore year in high school

48. at what age do you want to get married? i wanted to be married and have kids at a younger age, around 25-27 but now??? no idea, i don’t think i’d even be ready at 28

49. what career did you want to have as a child? i think a vet lol

50. what do you crave right now? progress, to be with my family, get my life started

#about me #i saw this and went 'oh i'm gonna do this' but didnt get the notif that you tagged me in it until i scrolled to the bottom lmao

4 notes · View notes

frisbee-camp · 5 years

Text

Let Me Help

AO3 Link//Wattpad Link

Tj and Cyrus have been friends for a long time, but will that change after life comes crashing down and impulsive decisions catch up to them? (Angst, Ambi, love notes, slow burn, aged up so they're all in high school, god tier ships, mental health, and like a whole bunch more ladies! Let’s get this angst.)

Chapter 9 Unresolved

"What do you mean you saw them kiss!?" Cyrus had practically yelled, Nala jumped. Andi and Buffy had told Cyrus that they saw Jonah with Walker the entire night, practically attached to the hip. "He's been avoiding us a lot lately," Andi frowned and bit her lip. Buffy nodded and added, "Plus, Marty said there were rumors that Walker was dating a boy." "But, Jonah?" Cyrus said, slumped, "Jonah Hercules Beck is straight..." "No one's straight Cy," Andi said as they pointed between themselves and Cyrus, "we would know." "Yea, but..." Cyrus trailed off. He had totally believed Jonah Beck™ was 100% straight. But now that he knew he was with Walker, he felt a sudden urge of jealousy. He was the complicated one, he was the gay one, not perfect and popular Jonah Beck. Cyrus grimaced, his cheeks felt hot. "Cyrus?" Buffy said, "are you alright? It's OK to be jealous." "Yeah Cy, we all know you liked Jonah, it was pretty obvious," Andi said smiling, "but now that means you can focus on TJ! Who has a total massive humungo crush on you!" "Guys, I don't know why I said I liked him, I think it's because he defended me. It's because he defended me right? I mean no guy will ever like me," Cyrus said as his friends gave him shocked looks. "You've got to be kidding right! You've got the toughest guy in all of Jefferson basically in love with you and you don't even see it? You're all he sees Cyrus! D'you think he'd punch his longest friend over anyone? Don't be so oblivious," Buffy huffed, clearly over Cyrus' lack of self-esteem. After that, their conversation shifted to Buffy complaining about all of the girls that flirted with Marty and Andi complaining about never being able to see Amber because of her work schedule. Cyrus stayed silent for most of it, thinking back to when he woke up in his own sweater. Any other jock would have thought it was embarrassing or dorky, but TJ had kept it. His heart skipped a beat. Maybe he did like TJ? But, at the same time, he thought about how Jonah was going out with Walker, and that made his skin burn. It was worse than when Andi dated him, at least then he thought he had no chance, but now? Now that Jonah was, bi? pan? questioning? Whatever, Cyrus was still bitter. He envied Walker. What did he have that Cyrus didn't? Art skills? He could take a class. He's an artist! He'd won an award for his screenplay. Whatever, he thought, I'll just make Jonah jealous, we'll see how he feels then. When his friends had left after telling him that their "relationship intervention" was over, Cyrus received a text from TJ. From Cool Basketball Guy!!!: Hey Cy, hope you got home safe and everything, I'm sorry I punched Reed... Are we still cool? 😬 To Cool Basketball Guy!!!: Yes :0 thanks again,,,,,sry i was a mess lol. see you tomorrow? From Cool Basketball Guy!!!: Of course :) See you at lunch? To Cool Basketball Guy!!!: Yup WOOP WOOp 💥 Cyrus couldn't help but frown at his own text message. Ugh, I'm such a dork. He immediately texted Buffy and Andi for help. To GHC👩🏻👩🏾‍🦱🌈❣️: Cyrus 💕🕍✨: I think I just said I liked him because he defended me, so I'm overthinking it right? Like we're friends, so nothing will happen PLUS HES A HET!!1 ANDIII😽: cyrus stop overthinking everything, this happened with me and amber too remember???? BufFY 😩🙆🏽‍♀️: HE LIKES YOU DONT BE A DUMBBASSSSSS, THE ENTIRE SCHOOL KNOWSSSSSSSS LOOK AT THE VIDEO I DMD YOU ON IG GODDAMN ANDIII😽: Buffyyyy we weren't supposed to show him that.... BufFY 😩🙆🏽‍♀️: he needs to know Cyrus was never into social media, he only went on to comment encouraging things on his friend's new posts. He even had his notifications off, but once he opened the underused app, his screen was filled with dm's, new followers, and comments. He quickly scrolled through most of them. Many of them asked if he was Dating TJ?! One said Hi cy i know u dont know me but ur like really brave another said idk who ur kidding, tj is straight lmaooo and another said hey is it true? His heart raced, he suddenly needed to stand up. Where would people get such an idea? Sure, people must have seen TJ fighting with Reed, but he didn't think people would connect that to him. TJ was respected, Cyrus wasn't, why would Tj's actions be caused by Cyrus? Cyrus opened Buffy's direct message, which had been pushed to the bottom of his feed by the time he went looking for it. It was a dark video, but Cyrus managed to catch an out of focus TJ and Reed standing in Iris' living room. He turned up the volume, "-somewhere else!" He heard Tj say, he looked disheveled and sweaty. "GOD, What is with you. Do you like him or something?" Cyrus gasped at the same time as the camera person. Is this the source Buffy and Andi were talking about? "So we were right, you do like him! And now you're choosing him over us?! We've been friends longer than you have with that loser-" Cyrus' eyebrows raised as he saw TJ's fist come in contact with Reed's face. The rest of the video was a blur of curse words and drunk teenagers chanting "FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!" Cyrus sat down on his bed, unable to comprehend what had just seen. Now he knew why he was getting so many notifications. He didn't know TJ could resort to violence like that. Hearing about a fight is much different than seeing that. But, he smiled. TJ had defended him, plus someone liked him! Him! Anxious, depressed, confused Cyrus Goodman who hated loud noises and sports. He felt light and airy, but most importantly he felt needed, more needed than ever. He had almost wanted to come out to his parents right then and there. They were all there, of course, sipping their wine about twenty feet away. He had quickly texted his friends a shocked cat gif and turned off his phone as he walked out of his room with newfound confidence. "Hey Cy," one of his parents had called to him suspiciously, he didn't care which. TJ Kippen liked him and maybe he liked him back. "Hello parentals," Cyrus said cheerily as he sat in an empty dining room seat, they were still having brunch, which had now turned into wine and ice cream. Cyrus picked at the leftover grapes and popped them into his mouth grinning. "You look very happy today Cy, what did those girls do to you in there?" Norman joked. Cyrus shrugged and chucked uncomfortably. "Whatever happened to that girlfriend of yours Cy? Ilene was her name?" a mom said. "No Sharron, it was Ivy," Todd said. "No, I'm pretty sure it's Isa," Leslie said. "Guys, you're all wrong. It's Iris. And we were never really together and I don't want to talk about this with my parents right now," Cyrus got up to leave, but one of his parents called out to him. "Wait! Cy! Don't close us off so quickly. Just tell us, are there any new girls we should know about?" Shannon wiggled her eyebrows, Leslie nudged her side. Cyrus laughed a little too loud, "NO," he said, "no girls mom, never." "Never?" Todd said, quizzically. Cyrus stopped. Did I just out myself through a joke? Am I really boo boo the fool? "Cyrus?" His mom said, "do you want to tell us something we might already know? You know you can trust us." Cyrus thought about how his parents were trained in observing and analyzing. He knew that if he didn't answer, then they'd know he was hiding something if he answered too quickly they'd also know, and if he said anything at all they'd also know. He stood still instead, hoping that some being would impossibly teleport him to a different planet. Maybe Pluto? he thought Pluto is cute, and very far away from here. "Cyrus?" His parents called again. Cyrus stared at the wall behind them, unable to speak. He gave one last chuckle and turned to walk a little too quickly to his room. He put on his headphones, played his playlist titled I'M A BIG FAT HOPELESS ROMANTIC and looked at the messages left on his phone. They ranged from encouraging Bitmojis to angry girls telling him to back off. Oh my god, tomorrow is going to be hell. Cyrus spent the rest of the day nervously doing his homework in anticipation of tomorrow. Normally, he'd text TJ whenever he was nervous, but now that he was the reason for his anxiety, he stuck to his history notes. He had come out of his room only when he knew half of his parents were gone. Monday morning was relatively quiet, his parents had decided to not ask him about what had happened yesterday, which he was eternally grateful for. However, that was not the root of all of his worry. Once he got to school, Cyrus immediately knew something was different. For the first time in his life, people his age noticed him. Everyone's eyes followed him down the hall, to and from his classes, and even during the peak hallway traffic. Thankfully, he had Buffy and Andi the entire day to protect him. Sure, they could protect him from direct attack, but he could still see kids whispering and pointing at him. During lunch, Andi, Buffy, and Cyrus sat at their usual spot. "Okay you guys, things are different now, be prepared." Buffy had warned them both. Cyrus felt uneasy, he knew something was about to happen, but he didn't know what. They had been discussing how to address Jonah's new boyfriend without being overbearing. They decided to not bring it up. Just then, Marty and Amber walked up to the table and sat next to their respective partners, leaving Cyrus alone with his muffin for the millionth time. He thought about texting TJ, but he didn't know what to say to him. "Cyrus!" Amber said, "I'm glad you're feeling better. TJ should be here soon." Suddenly, the cafeteria doors opened and in came Jonah holding hands with Walker. Cyrus made a fist. They sat down a little too happily, Cyrus looked down at his tray. He felt tears pool in his eyes. "Hello there," Buffy eyed them. Cyrus tentatively looked over at Jonah who seemed grounded. There was something different about him as if a light he didn't know existed had been turned on. He watched as Jonah talked to his friends, he didn't listen to what they were saying, he was too busy looking at how Jonah looked at Walker every so often just to smile at him. Cyrus wanted that. He wanted someone who understood him, someone who grounded him in reality, someone that didn't make him feel so lost. "So," he heard Jonah say in his direction, "I heard that TJ likes you. I thought you guys were already together?" Cyrus thought he heard a twinge of jealousy in his voice, but it might have been his imagination. Cyrus suddenly couldn't handle it anymore, from the stares to the questions, to gently coming out to his parents, it was too much. He silently stood up. His friends eyed him. "I need," Cyrus started but couldn't seem to verbalize his thoughts. What did he need? Something, he needed something. "Something," he said, before quietly packing his things and walking towards the cafeteria exit. Before he could exit, he saw TJ walk in. Cyrus saw the confidence oozing out of him, his stomach churned. "Hey," TJ smiled at him, "Where are you headed? Lunch just started." "Oh, I was going to uh-" Cyrus looked up at Tj, Did his face get cuter? "I uh, was going to go sit with Andi and Buffy and them," he looked for an escape, but TJ was already turning him back around to join his friends. "Come on then silly, they're the other way," TJ grinned. Cyrus hid behind TJ for most of the walk back to the table, the whispers they were getting were becoming unbearable, he wanted to cry. He couldn't make himself look his friends in the eyes when he sat back down. "Is this the something you needed?" Marty chuckled, Buffy jabbed him with her elbow. Cyrus fiddled with a broken spork as his friends continued talking about Jefferson gossip. Tj had inched himself closer to Cyrus, he let him. He hadn't noticed how different he felt with TJ around. How much easier living seemed to be. Before he knew it, he and TJ were shoulder to shoulder, leg to leg. He still couldn't bring himself to look at his friends, but they were used to his daily mini meltdowns. TJ started to laugh at something Walker had said, Cyrus grinned slightly He fits in so well. He saw Tj look down at him worried, he gently pried the spork out of his hands, it had started to draw blood. Cyrus hadn't noticed. "What's wrong? Do you want to leave?" Tj softly asked him. Cyrus gave a small nod, his heart lurched. There were too many eyes on him. Tj quickly packed away his things and gave his friends an excuse. Before walking away, Cyrus saw Jonah frown at them. Cyrus didn't know where Tj was taking him, but he didn't really care. In the hallway, Cyrus thought he heard a noise. Once they rounded the corner, he saw Reed, Lester, and a couple other boys he didn't know. He gulped. TJ moved in front of him. "AYYYY look who it is!" Reed said, throwing his arms up. "Leave me alone Reed," TJ said, trying to walk through. "Bro, we're still bros. I forgive you for the other night. I know you were drunk and shit." Reed leaned in closer and said something to TJ that Cyrus couldn't hear, but made TJ look back at him. "Dude, leave him alone," Lester said, pushing on Reed's shoulder. "Hey, I just want to know what we're all thinking. So Teej, what is it? Are you still choosing this dork over your bros?" Reed said. The rest of the gang looked apprehensive, they didn't care enough to cause a scene. "Dude, just leave it," One boy said worried. "Shut up," TJ said quietly, "Just shut up." Cyrus saw TJ ball his fists and tense up. Lester moved towards Tj, but Reed stopped him with his arm. "Tell us," Reed said. TJ stayed still. "Teej-" Reed had said before Cyrus heard bodies hit the floor. He closed his eyes. There was yelling, sneakers hitting the floor, and eventually, he heard the voices of teachers. Someone pushed him against the wall, someone else called his name, someone else touched his hair. He didn't want to open his eyes.

#andi mack #tj kippen #cyrus goodman #ambi #amber brown #pandimack #andi mack fanfic #tyrus #tyrus fanfic #wonah #jonah beck #walker brodsky #muffy #marty from the party #reed with the weed #tw fights #kippen twins

5 notes · View notes

grammarkid · 6 years

Note

can you rant about Jennifer's body plz? I'm interested in hearing your thoughts on it

oh, my dude.. my dude, ur rly gonna regret asking me this. like, i legit wrote a paper on this film. i analyzed it for a month straight and did research. for ur own sake, i’m so sry. for everyone else, i’m gonna put it under a cut, bc.. it’s a lot.

ok, i just want to preface this by saying that i know that the movie is objectively just bad. tbh, the writing is terrible, and diablo cody? thought she could tap into the hip cool teen lingo™️? but she was rly just pulling words out of her ass, so i always get torn between finding the dialogue laughable and cringe-worthy.

but i love the movie to death and i actually got the chance to write a big paper about it in college. long story short, i took this english/social studies class that was all about monsters – vampires, werewolves, zombies, cyborgs, etc. – and how they were representations of society’s fear of those who transgress social norms. so, basically we spent an entire semester studying ‘monster culture,’ a way of reading texts that parses the social anxieties from within their monster stories, bc the word ‘monster’ comes from the latin ‘monstrum,’ which literally means “that which reveals or warns.” so in monster theory, a monster always signifies something other than itself. & our final assignment was to analyze a monster film that we hadn’t discussed in class and explain the issues behind the film’s monster – but i won’t get into all that, bc that’s kind of a diff story.

but without going into all the social anxiety stuff about teenage sexuality, simply put, the film is an allegory for the ways in which sexuality and one’s self-esteem are intertwined. literally, jennifer gets turned into a demon, and the only way she can remain healthy and beautiful is to kill/feed off the guys at her school – but, rly, the story behind that is about jennifer’s insecurities.

listen. jennifer slept with a lot of guys, even before she was transformed into a demon. needy said that jennifer lost her virginity in junior high. did u know that adolescents who have sex earlier are more likely to be depressed and to have issues with their self-esteem? (i told u, i did the research.) and teens with high levels of “sexual permissiveness” are often low in self-esteem in comparison to those who abstain. (no judgment at all, that’s just what the studies say. and let’s talk about the word ‘permissiveness’ here – it’s explicitly stated that jennifer’s already done anal. i’d say that’s permissive for a teenager.) and studies have also found that ppl who do participate in sex will often experience a temporary boost in self-esteem afterward, bc it makes them feel desirable – shocking!!

so, ok, the point is, what jennifer does with boys after she becomes a demon is rly not that different from what she did with boys before she was a demon – she uses them to improve her self-image. (the only difference now being that she.. u know.. kinda eats them.) bc as confident and pretty as jennifer is, she has a lot of problems with her self-image. she’s peppy and vivacious whenever she looks pretty, but rude and mean when she feels ugly. & like, the biggest fuckin’ insult needy could use against her was that she was insecure?? literally nothing else that needy said had any effect on her, but she rly cracked when needy accused her of being insecure. i mean, she literally starts crying as she’s putting on her makeup for the winter formal bc she can see herself in the mirror and she’s ugly, and the only way she can fix that is to, u know, eat a guy – and it’s not just any guy, ok? she’s not just going around murdering the random 65y/o dude in the mcdonald’s drive-thru or the lady running the convenience store. they’re all young guys, around her age, who very obviously find her attractive.

hmm. deteriorating demon eats boys who are attracted to her to regain beauty vs. human teenage girl with deteriorating self-worth and self-esteem sleeps with boys who are attracted to her to feel beautiful again. and uh let’s not forget that girls who regularly use guys are often called ‘man eaters.’ like, it literally could not be more obvious?? yet so many ppl i’ve talked to about it are oblivious.

but the thing that rly gets me about this movie? it’s the relationship between jen and needy. and i’m not just talking about the fact that they made out in bed for thirty seconds – although that does play a factor. i’m talking about how the film is rly an exploration of how these issues literally destroy their relationship.

bc jennifer is detrimentally obsessed with being pretty and popular and ‘socially relevant’ but she can’t let go of needy. needy even says that it’s to the point that kids at their school literally can’t understand why jen hangs out with her?? and i think that reason is pretty obvious.

like, ppl have their opinions, but i feel like there is clearly something between jennifer and needy beyond just friendship? jennifer is constantly sizing needy up, flirting with her, touching her, etc. jennifer even says that they used to play ‘boyfriend-girlfriend’ when they were younger. like, idk, that doesn’t seem like something friends do to me?? & it definitely doesn’t seem like something needy would suggest. no, that had to have been jennifer’s idea. but why? bc she has feelings for needy. hint: jennifer didn’t go after anyone in the film other than ppl she could use to her advantage – she explicitly mentions wanting to sleep with ahmet, jonas is the quarterback so ofc sleeping with him would be a boost to her esteem, colin asked her out on a date despite her lackluster appearance, and she also mentioned finding chip attractive. (if she could get him to choose her despite his loyalty to needy, wouldn’t that be a rush? why do u think she was so adamant when she said ‘tell me i’m better than needy’??) she doesn’t even attempt to approach anyone else in that way except needy. immediately after jennifer’s transformation, she goes back to needy. she’s the first person jennifer thinks of, and the first person we see jennifer approach in that way. and the scene definitely isn’t lacking sexual tension?? but ultimately it just suggests that needy could, in fact, give jennifer the same thing she got from the boys – i would even go so far as to say that, as a whole, the film suggests that needy is the only one who could give her that – but she can’t bring herself to do it. she cares too much about her to hurt her, to use her like that, and she even admits that later in needy’s bedroom. she literally says “i couldn’t hurt you.”

like omg the real tragedy of the movie is that needy and jen are torn apart by their missed opportunities. they’re constantly reaching out for one another, but they’re never in sync. after jen’s transformation, needy tries to be there for her, asks her questions, wants to be sure she’s okay, but jen can’t let her in bc she can’t even cope with the truth herself. after she kills colin, jen goes to needy’s room and tells her what happened to her bc it’s taking its toll on her and she’s desperate for needy’s support and validation, but needy is already convinced that she’s evil and her aggressive questions make jennifer retract. and without needy, jennifer has nothing. that’s why she goes after chip, bc it will hurt needy the same way needy hurt her. & personally, i don’t think jennifer was ever truly attracted to chip – i think she was attracted to his loyalty. & she was jealous of needy’s relationship with him bc it was steady and respectful and jen had no way of obtaining that for herself. and at that point in the film, she’s got nothing left to lose. honestly, like, with the others? jen didn’t hesitate. she made out with them and tore them apart at the first available opportunity. with chip? she took him to the pool and they just.. fucking sat there?? she tells him “i feel so empty” and yea most ppl probably take that to mean that she’s hungry, but if she was starving, then she’d just have her way with chip and be done with it, wouldn’t she? but she didn’t want to. she feels empty bc it’s all catching up to her and she doesn’t even have needy to help her through it. needy pushed her away.

which is why i personally think that jennifer looks her absolute worst in the final scene with needy in her bedroom. she fed a bit off chip, obv, bc it was enough to kill him, and enough to completely heal the giant gaping hole in her stomach – which she plainly says to needy only happens ‘when she’s full.’ and yet she’s still so ugly. her skin is pale and her eyes are yellow and bloodshot, why? bc her physical state is a literal representation of her self-image and she feels terrible about herself so she looks terrible. ok, another hint: immediately after jen dies? she’s beautiful again. you literally watch it happen. & yeah, bc the film is about demons and the occult, u could say that the demon left her body, blah blah, but i think she becomes beautiful again bc that’s what she looks like when it’s not being distorted through the lens of her own self-view. all her insecurities aren’t killing her anymore, bc there’s nothing left. (and, just one last note about this final scene. what allows needy to kill jen? she tears off her bff necklace. and then jen literally loses all her power. she falls out of midair. it’s like everything stops, bc she still wore the necklace, she was still holding on to needy, even tho needy pushed her away. that was the last thing holding her together and needy took that too. and i think, rly, that’s what ultimately killed her. sure, the boxcutter had something to do with it, but there’s a reason that moment took up so much screen time, why it had such an impact, whereas the knife going in and that stupid ass ‘my tit’ line were so rushed in comparison.)

ugh, gosh. ok, i rly need to stop now. all that is already all twisted up and it hardly makes any sense bc i was rushing. i could literally go on for days about this movie, but this has already taken up like an hour of my day?? and i’m sure no one has even read this far anyway. but yeah. i have a lot of feelings about jennifer’s body, because imo it’s rly a tragedy disguised as a horror film.

#r u sry u asked?#i'm p sure u are #i'm also sry i'm such a loser #feel free to unfollow me i'm trash

21 notes · View notes

soleil825 · 7 years

Text

tagged by @omuii tysm my dude!

Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people

LAST:

1. Drink: that h2o 2. Phone call: myself bc i lost my phone 3. Text message: to a groupchat- “wowie kazowie” 4. Song you listened to: there you are by pogo 5. Time you cried: last month sometime i think?¿

HAVE YOU: 6. Dated someone twice: noo 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: ya 8. Been cheated on: god i hope not but probably 9. Lost someone special: yeah 10. Been depressed: haha 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: no but i’ve helped my friends out when they did

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12-14: pink, light yellow, white

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. Made new friends: yeah actually!! 16. Fallen out of love: unfortunately 17. Laughed until you cried: ohyhup 18. Found out someone was talking about you: no not this year yet 19. Met someone who changed you: not this year but i got closer to them this year 20. Found out who your friends are: ya definitely 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: no

GENERAL: 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: all of em 23. Do you have any pets: none that i see regularly 24. Do you want to change your name: my mom has always wanted me to, i really do not know 25. What did you do for your last Birthday: went to the inner harbour w my friends and had a wonderful time eating sushi and bitching about people by the water 26. What time did you wake up: around 7:45 this morning 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: going 2 bed 28. Name something you can’t wait for: near future- seeing my friends in colorado!! long term- happiness 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: like 40 minutes ago she gave me a burrito and vanished into the basement 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: my inteligence/grades? 31. What are you listening right now: well slide by calvin harris is stuck in my head and my ceiling fan is making quite a racket but i am not currently listening to anything 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: ya my cousin’s grandpa is named tom he calls me hellraiser not sure why 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: my own bullshit and also my own anxiety and stress over nothing 34. Most visited website: google chrome says pokemon showdown, tumblr, my etsy store, r/skincareaddiction, my soundcloud, r/friendsbalt, & ebay

LOST QUESTIONS. I JUST PUT IN RANDOM INFO ABOUT ME 35. Mole/s: one on my shoulder, one on my butt and i have random freckly beauty marks all over me 36. Mark/s: the most prominent ones include the scar on my chin, the dot on my chin and the parallelogram of freckles on my right shoulder 37. Childhood dream: a professional ballerina! (lmao i wish) 38. Hair color: basically blakc 39. Long or short hair: used to be hella long but i cut it last september so it’s shoulder-length now 40. Do you have a crush on someone: not exactly a specific person, i just really want a s/o 41. What do you like about yourself: i have really nice eyelashes, and i think i’m pretty okay at dance 42. Piercings: i had 4, 2 in each earlobe, but the second one in my left ear got infected and i had to let it close up- planning on re-piercing once the scar tissue chills out a little tho 43. Blood type: B+ 44. Nickname: most commonly used- lena, len 45. Relationship status: single and really pressed about it 46. Zodiac: that two faced bitch (gemini) 47. Pronouns: she/her 48. Favorite TV Show: gravity falls, M*A*S*H, chopped, ghost adventures, the haunted, assorted animes that i will not get into right this moment

49. Tattoos: none but i would get some if i wasn’t such a FUCKING PUSSY lmao 50. Right or left hand: i’m a lefty! w writing/eating/basic tasks at least. my throwing hand is right though 51. Surgery: i had a dental surgery once 52. Hair dyed in different color: it has been dip-dyed pink, and also pink/purple/blue/green it was very galaxy-ish 53. Sport: dance!!!!! and i played volleyball for like 5 years 55. Vacation: i’ve been all over but i really wanna go to canada/alaska or santorini, greece 56. Pair of trainers: i have a pair of those adidas superstars that everyone wears now but they’re cute and hella comfy so those are my mains but i recently got some white ones from h&m that are nice too

MORE GENERAL: 57. Eating: i just ate a burrito but ya 58. Drinking: nada 59. I’m about to: stay up later than intended but sleep, hopefully 61. Waiting for: my ebay order to come, my ipsy glam bag, my back to stop hurting, the colorado trip, my boss to call me back 62. Want: $$$$$$$$$$$$$$ and also to get into cornell (but it’s not gonna happen) 63. Get married: idk it seems scary as hell and i’m a baby so nah not on the horizon or in my mind at all 64. Career: anything in science- preferrably biochem or earth sciences?? idk i love sCIEncE

WHICH IS BETTER 65. Hugs or kisses: kiss kiss fall in love 66. Lips or eyes: eyes 67. Shorter or taller: uh taller but that’s difficult because i am kinda tall 68. Older or younger: older usually but it’s not really a factor it just sort of happens 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: im sure both are good either way 71. Sensitive or loud: idk probably loud since i’m also loud 72. Hook up or relationship: oh man relationship definitely hook-ups just make me sad and feel awful i learned that the hard way lmao kms 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: i’m a hesitant trouble-maker

HAVE YOU EVER: 74. Kissed a Stranger: not that i know of 75. Drank hard liquor: ohya 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: i lose everything including contacts multiple times 77. Turned someone down: i mean not directly...? 78. Sex on the first date: nah 79. Broken someone’s heart: again, i hope not 80. Had your heart broken: i guess 81. Been arrested: noo 82. Cried when someone died: yhup 83. Fallen for a friend: its all i fucking do lol

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84. Yourself: i wish i did 85. Miracles: to an extent i guess??? 86. Love at first sight: not really 87. Santa Claus: i’m hindu 88. Kiss on the first date: idk i kiss everyone so it’s not like a super intimate thing for me u feel

OTHER: 90. Current best friend name: uhhh i love all my friends equally honestly i guess jc would be at the top since i’ve known her the longest and she puts up with me? but also maggie, mao, tricie, alex, kai, caroline, ben 91. Eye color: really dark brown 92. Favorite movie: i really don’t watch movies idk why but probably princess mononoke, the jungle book, or kung fu panda LMAO i’m uncultured as FUCK but oh yea throw in a bunch of bollywood movies too

NOW, TAG 20 PEOPLE: i’m lazy so i’m not going to but feel free to do this and say i tagged u!!

#tagging game #long post

2 notes · View notes

mari0016 · 7 years

Text

Open Letter to the People Who Care About Me (6)

Hey....I’m back. I know it’s been a while...a long while actually. I think the last time I wrote a letter to you all was back in December.

Well a couple of things have changed since then. Are you busy? Do you have enough time to read this? Are you comfortable? Well go ahead and get comfortable, take a seat, get some coffee or tea, relax and prepare to learn more about me.

Last time I checked in I was having some money issues. Well that hasn’t changed much, but I’m working on it. I have another job now, a part time job at a gas station across the street. It’s honestly not as easy as I thought it would be. I work the over night shift, meaning I go in at 11 pm and get out at 6 am. Rough. Sometimes it gets hard trying to balance everything in my life. There are times where I skip meals or lose sleep, or sometimes I try and catch up on sleep and end up missing a day. Still, I’m working on it, finding a balance between it all. As of now I no longer have free days, it kinda bums me out but bills don’t pay themselves. Either way, the main reason I wanted my weekends off were so I could visit my family but in all honesty, I think it should work both ways...right? I mean I don’t have a car so I can’t travel to see them but they’re more than welcome to come visit me, even if just for a couple hours. God knows if I could I would.

Last time I went into detail about my drinking problem, well as much in detail as I could anyway. Some of you reached out and asked me about it, expressed your concern, and offered your support. I want to take a moment to thank those who did, honestly, thank you. As for those of you who didn’t it’s okay, really, it is. You probably don’t feel comfortable asking, or maybe you think I’ll get offended of defensive, I won’t. By all means if you have questions then go ahead and ask me. I might have minded at first but if it helps people understand my situation and how I feel then by all means ask away.

Honestly, my intention is no longer to keep things from you guys or lie to you. So it’s only fair that you guys know that I did have a couple of drinks on New Years. I wasn’t going to, I promise, but quitting cold turkey is hard. It started with a friend I hadn’t hung out with in a while, we recently reconnected, and she offered me a drink. I was too embarrassed of saying no and having to explain the reason why so I took it. I had two drinks that night. Honestly, it felt great. I missed it, the taste, the feeling it gave me, the smooth liquid flowing down my throat, I missed it all too much. But I only had two drinks. I had two more on New Years. NO biggie, they were just wine coolers. Had a couple more once I went back to my apartment in Campaign. Vodka Cranberry with Sprite. No biggie. I was a bit proud, seeing how I had control, how I only needed two drinks, no more. But I had a bad day. I was stressed out and I don’t even remember what I was stressing out about if I’m being honest. But I do remember having more than two drinks. I remember having more than alcohol that day. I had three Smirnoff Ice Green Apple Beverages and three vodka cranberry drinks. Oh and some chocolate fudge laced with weed. Now this may not seem like a lot but to someone like me, with a drinking problem, it wasn’t looking too good. Because then I started thinking. I wanted more. I wanted so much more. This just wasn’t doing it for me, not the Smirnoff drinks or the vodka or the weed. I needed something stronger. I needed tequila. Now here’s the thing. I’m not sure if I have said this before but my one weakness, the one thing I can never control is tequila. But before I had the chance to go out and buy some I got a call. I declined it. But I got a message shortly after. Now, even though I had posted some of this on my Snap Chat it’s important to say that I didn’t have this person on there. Yet, somehow, this person felt something was wrong with me so he wanted to check in. And I couldn’t have been more glad that he did. Because for some unknown reason to me I completely opened up to him, I vented. He talked to me until I was able to calm down a bit. He still checks in once in a while and for that I thank him. See, I’m the type of person who wants to get better on their own. But even the dumbest person knows they can’t do it on their own. Sometimes you need a little help and that’s okay. It took me a while to realize that, that I can ask for help, that it doesn't make me weak.

Fast forward to last Friday night. I had two places to go to. Large group (connected to this Bible Study group I go to) or to a friend’s 21st birthday party. I chose neither, at first. I wanted a night in to catch up on sleep. However, I later decided that maybe I would go to this party after all. I had been so stressed lately and barely had time for friends. So why not enjoy my Friday night? It was BYOB. For those of you who don’t know, BYOB means bring your own beverage. So I bought a large bottle of Heineken beer and in a separate empty bottle I poured some cranberry juice and some vodka...okay a lot of vodka. I decided this was all I was going to drink. Clearly I was lying to myself. Fast forward to the end of the party, or at least to the part where I wake up the next morning with a terrible hangover and an upset stomach. Turns out I had much more than I thought. I started with a cup of jungle juice, then moved on to my beer, then to the vodka with cranberry juice, and somehow ended up drinking a lot of tequila. Yep. Tequila. My number one enemy. What could possible go wrong right? Well, I called my mom at 1 am but luckily she didn’t pick up. I called my former best friend but he also didn’t pick up. However, drunk me thought it would be a good idea to leave a voicemail in which I called him a terrible person and asking how he could hurt me the way he did. Thanks drunk me. No, seriously, thanks. You did me a huge favor. I needed to do that, I just could never work up the courage to do it.

Now let’s talk about this real quick. I’m sure you all remember who I’m talking about, but if you don’t then please go back to letter 4. there’s plenty about him in that one. Anyway, I didn’t expect him to respond, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t hoping he would. His response? A text. Not a call. A text. A simple text saying, “Lol r u drunk?” That’s what I got ladies and gentlemen. I mean this asshole couldn't even bother to type proper English for crying out loud. Oh and some of you know him and I could honestly care less if you tell him about this. Because the truth is that I DO NOT CARE. Not anymore anyway. I did before but this guy couldn’t even be bothered to ask why I had been drinking or why I had called him or why I had said he was a terrible person. HE DIDN’T CARE. Still, I apologized for what I had said and told him that although I didn’t remember the previous night, that I more than likely was drunk. He said it was okay because I didn’t say anything bad. I take it it’s not the first time he’s been told he’s a terrible person, or maybe he’s been called worse, or maybe he just didn’t care. Fine by me. So I sent him one last message. I said that the bottom line was that I should never have called him. To which he responded with five simple letters. LMFAO. Boy I don’t even know how I was ever friends with this douche. But anyway, this all made me realize that I deserve better friends. Friends who actually care about me and support me. Friends who are willing to listen and take things seriously. Now I don’t want you guys to misinterpret this. By no means do I wish him any harm. The total opposite actually. I hope he grows up and matures. I hope his dreams of becoming a writer come true. I hope he learns to value people and not take them for granted. I hope he finds peace and happiness. But as far as his friendship....well I can finally say I no longer need it. He’s just not the right type of friend for me, not the kind I need right now. But I will cherish the good memories we had, but that’s all it is now, just memories.

Now back to what’s really important. Although, I had a minor setback, I’m regaining control. I haven’t really had any breakdowns since I’ve been back here. I mean yea I have bad days but they’re not as bad as they were before. I usually can find something to distract myself with or something to occupy myself with. There are still some days where I lay in bed thinking of all the things I could’ve done differently. Maybe if I had changed a couple of things.....I don’t know maybe I wouldn’t be where I am now. And the more I think that the less I wish I had changed things. Did terrible things happen to me in my past? Yes. Did I lose important people in my life? Yes. Did people betray me? Yes. Did I get caught up with the wrong people? Yes. Did I fail at life sometimes? Yes. But everything I have been through has made me who I am now. Someone who can take a punch or two. I’m not weak. Having depression doesn’t make me weak. If anything I’m stronger. Because even with this depression I still manage to get up most of the days. I still manage to live my life. I am still able to make something of myself. So no, I wouldn’t change a single thing. Because everything that I have been through has led me to where I am now. And I love where I am now. I have met some incredible people, I have made amazing friends, I have gained my independence, I have such a strong bond with my cousin - Wendy if you’re reading this, you are seriously the best. Seriously, thank you for being you. Thank you for being like a sister to me. Thank you for never giving up on me. - I have experienced so many great things. Champaign has been nothing but kind to me. I love it here.

Now I really want to end this on a positive note so I’ll talk more about my anxiety, PTSD, and my eating disorder in my next letter.

Again, thank you all for taking time out of your day to read this. Thank you for the enormous amount of support y’all show me. Thank you for the endless amount of love y’all have for me. Thank you.

Love,

#open letter #spilled ink #depression #open letter to the people who care about me #letter

1 note · View note