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#its sad how long the list is
kohakhearts · 25 days
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theres a really. special kind of despair in the uncertainty brought about by moments of success and achievement. the inevitable “what now” of reaching your goals. and i kind of wish someone had warned me how hollow graduating university would feel, tbh
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hauntedorpheum · 7 days
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first time people tell a content creator GIVE US MORE ADS
#i dont think they are greedy corporate monsters. i think they are creators trying to run a business with no knowledge on how to do that#icarus flying too close to the sun and all that#is just so clear they didn't make any kind of market research#a youtube poll would have helped them#is just a shitty thing because they clearly just want to have more creative freedom and do bigger things#but if you are running a business then you also need to think about your audience. which i don't think they did#and the international issue with dollars in this economy#+ the need to use a vpn in order to watch in certain countries apparently#+ an audience of mostly 20 somethings and younger people who have other priorities#and like nearly every single person that i've seen that actually likes this idea. has also said that are not paying#because they can't afford it. so even if people were on board with this. is just not viable with their audience#like sorry. but 'streaming service' is not plan b on the list of things to if you dont wanna rely so much on ads#and them doing a 14min long video that is edited like a shitty corporate apology video#in which you say 'if you can't give us money. bye ig' while promoting#a show about people traveling to dif places and paying expensive meals#while also saying you have no money to pay your 25!!! employees#not to mention not clarifying anything and leaving everything in vague terms#like international issues. whether you are deleting your previous youtube content or not (they don't say anything about this on the vid....#.... Variety said they were gonna do it. but then they did the pinned comment so it feels like they are backtracking...#...even if they were never gonna delete it)#what newer content you want to make. the pros you get subscribing#broken record with this. but watch the og dropout ad. its clear. adresses concerns. tells you what shows would be available#and the one moment that they use sad piano music is used with irony#ok. no further comments until they say something lol#watcher#my post
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colorful-horses · 2 years
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finished season 2 of miraculous ladybug!
I dont mean to sound nitpicky about a children's show meant for children. Buuut it feels a little weird to me that the neglect/abuse Adrien experiences from his father is never played for laughs, but Chloes extremely horrible mom being awful to her is literally the whole punchline of their relationship?
Like I realize part of it is "Well Chloe is mean too, so they can bond over how awful they are Together", but that just makes me feel kinda icky because it means Chloe can never improve as a person UNLESS she's fine with her mother not loving her lol
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biohazard-inevitable · 4 months
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Did a complete rehaul of my pinned!!!!! Mainly cleaned up my f/o list and added some things, :3
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featherdawn · 10 months
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I've fucking cursed myself with an animatic idea that I never made and now any song that's about the way the internet fucks with ur psyche gets automatically associated with monika in my mind
#monika ddlc#doki doki literature club#the original idea was welcome to the internet by bo burnham and was mostly focused on her epiphany#and now ive got you liked this (okay computer!) by will wood and the internet has ruined me by wilbur soot on my list#the latter is funny bc im very opposed to animating her with a love song#i dont want to reduce a character arc about cosmic horror and derealization and the desperation for human connection down#to “girl sad boy dont love her so she kill girls boy love” thats so fucking lame#but i could make tihrm work#if i ever got MOTIVATION#but anyways. long rant i have many thoughts but dobt wanna derail my own post#thinking about like. monika discovering everything about our world through the internet and more importantly. social media#and so her worldview is gonna be warped by default#social media conditions people to view others not as people but as faceless entities#its not “10 000 people saw what you wrote and agreed with it/found it funny” its “your post got 10 000 likes”#its not that the person re arguinh with is a human influenced by their environment and upbringing its that theyre shitty by default#or alternatively its not that the person ur arguing with is someone with an influence on the real world its just a troll here to piss u off#things like doxxing. suicide baiting. threats of violence. child porn. theyre all things that we know are bad but happen regardless because#the internet is anonymous. its ok bc subconsciously the person isnt really human. theyre just another faceless user#this must affect how she views her friends#after all. theyre less than just users. theyre ai#it doesnt matter if theyre no different than her. it doesnt matter if the things shes doing are horrible#people on the internet have done similarly bad things to other humans. its fine. shes not a bad person. its fine.#deleting her becomes the equivalent of learning the stranger u sent gore to is your neighbor who uve had pleasant conversations with#the brutal realization that its not a faceless entity. its a human being you know and love. and youve done horrible things to them.#god i really need to make a video essay on this huh#if u read all of this character analysis mwah ily
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peskypescatarian · 2 years
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mad relationship anxiety today i dont want it!
#you found your person! you can rest now#i know all the reasons why#actually i will list them:#1) i am on my period and my emotions go fucking crazy every time i get my period#2) im still in the process of changing my self view... so falling back on sad view of self is bound to happen every now and then#NOOOO I AM MID-TYPING THE TAGS TO THIS POST AND HE JUST SENT ME A REALLY CUTE SONG WHILE HE'S AT THE AIRPORT#I LOVE YOU MATTHEW#3) our first anniversary is coming up really soon and i'm still a little Long term scared that i'm Not Good Enough for him#so milestones are a reminder that this is a long term thing WHICH IS GREAT BUT ALSO JUST SCARY!#LIKE IVE NEVER DATED SOMEONE FOR A WHOLE YEAR WITHOUT FIGHTING THEM EVER#I'VE NEVER BEEN IN A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP ... EVER ... MUCH LESS FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR#4) our plans for after college are approaching closer and closer! i'm thinking more about traveling together#and living together and marrying each other so of course i'm a little scared about it not being forever#5) he's going to a WEDDING as we speak so OF COURSE I AM THINKING ABOUT MARRYING HIM#6) we're further from the honeymoon phase so i'm learning how to feel loved without being infatuated all the time.#i'm learning to build my confidence without too much reassurance AND communicate my needs#THATS A LOT#I'M DOING GOOD#mostly my period though LMAO#its just when im in a moment like this i just want god herself to come down and be like#but it's not that simple and love is an active choice every single day#and i know that in a good way but i'm still so scared of the future#i just gotta stick thru these anxiety prone days so i can make it to the days when i'm not as scared#both short term and long term#like in the short term i'll have my more confident days after my period#and in the long term i hope this anxiety is something i can handle better#IM ALREADY STARTING TO HANDLE IT BETTER#ok im done i think lol#time to go listen to the song he sent me#i love u tumblr
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well i just fell down a 1am wiki rabbit hole reading about Joseph Merrick...
#i never knew that much about him but honestly the abled and the otherwise 'normal' have such a sick obsession with the grotesque#theres so few works written about him the seem to acknowledge treves as the shite he likely was#or refer to norman as a vile human#its like it never occurred to people that Freakshows didnt exist for the sake of the spectators#they were lodging and safety in numbers of anyone poor and othered#i never understood why the thought felt safe to me as a child and now disabled and very visibly queer i know why#demeaning yes but food and shelter and more like me...thats all that scenario has ever been#survival we'd never find anywhere#and his depiction in ripper Street was lovely to me especially since when you look him up his occupation was listed as artist#he suffered greatly but just like all of us its more so the world we live in than it is our disabilities that cause that#and by the end he was so loved and i hope he knew that when his time came#although i do believe that since nothing more can be learned from his remains his body belongs in the earth to rest#how much pain must have he been in every day of his life ans the little fears he could never forget#either of other humans or the knowledge that he might decline or even die? all because of shape of his body?#but he seemed like he was such a beautiful soul and so full of adoration of the best parts of earth#and especially now learning of his admiration of women? his line in ripper street about how love is peace hes never known? oh my heart#to be clear i dont pity this man im only sad over what was forced on him but so so emotional over the good people who rallied for him#and the princess of Windsor sending Christmas cards every year 😭😭😭😭#i hope he knew the love was genuine by that time in his life he might be long gone now but im sure anyone who knows him still#holds that love like a martyr and a guardian for that he never knew he did for the world#i do believe that even in a small way..his existence forced on him it may have been..opened doors of empathy to others disabled#even only a little#he knew wonder but i so hope he knew genuine love from the companions he met
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mikkouille · 3 months
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I've embarked myself into too much video game story it's all over now
#i was possessed couldnt stop#at last i go to bed.#last time finishing the expac did that except when i got to the trial i did get reasonable n stop to go to bed#this time i just went in (it went so badly fjdjdjs it was a struggle but twas fun in a way) both cuz i wanted to keep the high n i wanted#to know also and also smallest reason i felt agter seeing the guide that if i didnt go in immediately i never would vjfjdnsjs#see aforementioned disastrous go at the fight. it looked like itd be#twas for whole different reasons tho but man it was so messy gjgjfjdjejd i think once the chaos hit there was no return the disorganization?#but in hindsight. i only died of my mistake once. and it was just after being rezzed after the near wipe on attempt2 so. i dont count those.#i was blacked out being revived when boss casted his blizzard ofc i got frozen.#👈 excuses#its okayyyyyyyy we were all dying#n everytime i did catch a glance of the party list i wasnt at a healer spot so. granted idk how the healers could even do any damage#considering they had to just rez everyone all the time#how long was it into the fight that i glanced into the health of the boss in the middle of looking at everything but as i was just trying to#not die and keep punching— and that guy had basically not been damaged at all since the phase change cjfjdjsjks seeing that thing#near its half health 😮 oh we're never making it out#but we did! at what cost.#typin cuz i cant sleep rn. thoughts being thunked#im immensely sad i have to do fight replay in my head to not succumb to the sorrows of having endured it all emotionally.#it not being the fight the fight was fun 💗#tho gotta say. on attempt two. i did wonder if we were over when i saw the lb. was like oh aint that too early#and then i died ☺️ so i was right.#i was right next to the tank who activated it too gbdjsjszj it was the end next time ill remember. stay away from the tanks til its late#time and thus survive if they do a timing mistake thru the power of the ripples like that one other girlie who made it out alive#OH SHIT realised its cuz of her that we kept going actually#had a moment of !?? both healers were dead.... the rdm save ofc#tho granted itd prolly have been much faster to jusg restart after checkpoint if checkpoint was real indeed. sunk cock fallacy....#i sweated and shaked so much thru this encouted this was just like going thru ct the first time but more enjoyable. cuz i was dead the whole#time. just a few times#also nearly lost the qte both attempts!!?? any other qte before that was so fine and easy this one just shrunk so fast tho?
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tortademaracuya · 4 months
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Going 'haha I do that' while reading about symptoms of depression and immediately shutting the thoughts down
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currently-evil · 4 months
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Me: I am completely not addicted to Korean Manhwa's, I am fine Everything is good
The List of every Korean Manhwa's i read in my google docs:
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silverislander · 9 months
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holy fuck. google docs ate my entire character/planning/worldbuilding document for neri. it's all gone
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simpforrooster · 8 months
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nothing but a gentleman.
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Jake ‘Hangman’ Seresin x F!Reader
summary: jake is obsessed with you. you eat it up. you’re obsessed with his obsession. but also with him.
t/w: soft!jake, some cursing
"Get out of here, Bagman. You're giving me a headache."
The blonde aviator grabs at his chest. "God, I love it when you're mean to me." Those green eyes sparkle with mischief under the lights of the Hard Deck.
Jake 'Hangman' Seresin has been pining after you for months.
& you have been loving every second of it. Miramar's resident playboy has only had eyes for you. You haven't seen him spare a glance at any of the other ladies in the bar.
Believe me, they've been looking at him.
"Y/n, how long are you going to keep my boy at arm's length?" Coyote asks from the other side of the pool table. Jake saddles up next to him and feeds you the saddest pout he can muster.
"Yeah, y/n, how long?" Jake asks.
Your intention wasn't to drag this hard-to-get play out for so long. Truthfully, it's becoming hard not to give in to those strong arms. To not lean in when he invades your personal space, feeding you a smart ass comment.
Your shoulder comes up to your ear and falls back down. "Hard to say, Bagman."
"Let's play for it," he tells you. Jake saunters over to you, and leans against the pool table. Crossing his arms over his fit chest, he situates his mouth just outside your ear. "If I win, you've gotta give me a kiss, darlin'."
The way his hot breath falls across your ear causes goosebumps to appear down your arms. Jake notices, and a blonde brow raises.
"What are you? Twelve?" you antagonize.
"Oh, honey. I'm willing to try anything at this point."
"Rack 'em. Honey." You lightly shove him back, your hands reacting to the small second they were on his chest.
"If I win, you give it up," you send the man a sad look.
"Give what up?" he asks.
"All this pining'." Your hand gestures wildly around in the air.
For a moment, despair crosses over that handsome face. He recovers quickly. "Oh, I'm not worried."
Jake lets you break. Two stripes fall into the pocket. Jake comes up behind you before your next shot. His hand slides across your waist and he pulls you into his side.
Right as you pull back, Jake leans down. "Don't scratch."
The cueball follows your striped ball into the pocket.
"Damn," he murmurs. It takes a full 45 seconds to get your heart rate under control.
The jig is up once Jake get in control of the pool table. Not only is he the dagger squad's best dart player, he's got the best pool table on lock, too. There is no way he's going to take it easy on you.
Naturally, he doesn't.
"One more and Hangman gets a kiss," he smirks. He doesn't take his eyes off your as he pulls back and send the cue ball sailing.
The eight ball falls into it's intended pocket effortlessly. Followed right by the cue ball.
Shock falls across all your faces. Jake has never lost a game of pool. Ever.
Jake sets the cue stick down, and rounds the table. Standing toe-to-toe with you, he feeds you a delicious smirk.
"Darlin', I ain't gonna make you kiss me if you don't want to. Furthermore, I only want your kiss if its of your own volition." He tucks a strand of stray hair behind your ear.
Your eyes lock with his and the world stops. What a fucking gentleman.
Fisting the front of his shirt, you yank him down to your mouth. Jake relaxes into the kiss immediately and allows his hands to slide around your waist.
Jake takes control, changing the direction and deepening the kiss. Your hands move from his shirt to the nap of his neck, fingers knotting in his hair. His hair that’s gotten just a bit long.
Jake pulls back just a hair, his lips a breath away from yours. “Damn,” he mumbles, again.
“My own volition, huh?”
“I’m nothing if not a gentleman,” he winks. “A gentleman who is dying to kiss you again.”
You guide his lips back to yours.
“Kiss me, Hangman.”
master list.
a/n: been a little while since i wrote for ole jakey. i hope y'all like it!
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darknight3904 · 4 months
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You're a Liar
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𝕊𝕦𝕞𝕞𝕒𝕣𝕪: ɪɴ ᴡʜɪᴄʜ ʏᴏᴜ ᴅɪꜱᴄᴏᴠᴇʀ ᴛʜᴇ ꜱᴋᴇʟᴇᴛᴏɴꜱ ɪɴ ᴄᴏʀɪᴏʟᴀɴᴜꜱ' ᴄʟᴏꜱᴇᴛ.
ᴘᴀʀᴛ ᴏɴᴇ / ᴘᴀʀᴛ ᴛᴡᴏ / ᴍʏ ᴍᴀꜱᴛᴇʀʟɪꜱᴛ
𝕎𝕒𝕣𝕟𝕚𝕟𝕘𝕤: ᴄᴏʀɪᴏʟᴀɴᴜꜱ ꜱɴᴏᴡ (ʜᴇ ɪꜱ ʙᴀᴅ ᴇɴᴏᴜɢʜ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ ᴀ ᴡᴀʀɴɪɴɢ)
ꜱᴏʀʀʏ ᴛʜɪꜱ ᴛᴏᴏᴋ ꜱᴏ ʟᴏɴɢ. ɪ ʜᴀᴅ ᴛᴏ ᴛᴀᴋᴇ ᴍʏ ᴄᴏʟʟᴇɢᴇ ꜰɪɴᴀʟꜱ ᴀɴᴅ ᴛʜᴇɴ ɪ ᴅᴇᴄɪᴅᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ ʀᴇᴡᴀᴛᴄʜ ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ɢᴏᴛ ᴀɴᴅ ʜᴏᴛᴅ ꜱᴏ ɪ'ᴠᴇ ʙᴇᴇɴ ʜᴀᴠɪɴɢ ᴅᴀᴇᴍᴏɴ/ᴀᴇᴍᴏɴᴅ ᴛᴀʀɢᴀʀʏᴇɴ ʙʀᴀɪɴ ʀᴏᴛ.
Mornings might just be your favorite time of day. The way the sun just barely peaked through the curtains and shimmered its way across the bedspread made your shared room with Coriolanus look simply divine.
Mornings might just be your favorite time of day. The delicious scent of bacon and freshly cooked pancakes wafted through the mansion and under your closed door. The promise of fresh orange juice and perfectly hot coffee was enough to rouse anyone from their slumber.
Mornings might just be your favorite time of day. Coriolanus is still asleep beside you. Curly hair is splayed on the pillow, free from whatever styling gel he put in it. His face is relaxed and peaceful as you run your fingertips across his forehead and down the bridge of his nose. The stress of being president is gone from his face when he sleeps and that's how you know, mornings are your favorite time of day.
"I can feel you staring at me."
His voice was still muddled with sleep, deep and scratchy as he batted at your hands trying to keep them off his gorgeous face.
"I'm appreciating the art in front of me," You smile as he finally opens his eyes.
"Your hands on my face are making my nose itch." He says grabbing your right hand and gently squeezing it as he sits up beside you.
You hum a tune of acknowledgment and take in his appearance. Coriolanus' pale skin was a wonderful sight to behold as the blanket slipped and fell into his lap.
"You're staring again." He says playing with your fingers
"An incredibly attractive man seems to be missing his shirt, can you blame me for staring?" You state a playful smile pulling on your lips.
Coriolanus lets out a snort and gets out of bed with a grunt. Long red scratches adorn his back as you watch your fiancee walk across the room towards the bathroom, ready to scrub last night's activities off himself.
Yes, mornings were your favorite time of day. You had warm sunshine, delicious food, and Coriolanus by your side.
But, most of all, mornings were your favorite because you weren't alone.
Coriolanus never truly wanted to leave the bedroom he shared with you. Even now as you groaned and begged him to just lounge around the mansion with you, he wished he could go back to when he felt your soft fingertips brushing the bridge of his nose. He had woken up beside you, cleaned himself, and eaten a wonderful breakfast, now the next step was simple. The next step was attending to his duties as the President of Panem and leaving you to your day in the south wing of the mansion. Despite the tempting idea of staying with you, he knew you'd be eagerly awaiting him, tonight at the dinner table, ready to listen about his day. It was the perfect daily routine and Coriolanus never wanted it to change.
He could feel the press of your lips on his lingering hours later as the newest Head Gamemaker listed detailed plans for the games that were two months away. Dr. Gaul's death had been a blow to the way the Hunger Games functioned as a whole. Now, Coriolanus wasn't sure if the new man chosen for the job was truly the correct choice, he didn't have any of the ruthlessness Gaul had. Sure, he could've stepped in but how would he run the country and dream up deadly traps and mutts for tributes. Sure, he probably could've but that meant so many hours of overtime and leaving you to sleep alone in those overly soft sheets you had hand-picked for your shared bed. This new game maker would just have to do, he didn't want to imagine your sad little face if he didn't sit down for dinner with you each night.
The hours after Coriolanus left you at the breakfast table were terribly boring. There wasn't anything for you to do anymore.Sure, you could've gone shopping or gone to a local park but you hated doing all those things alone. Coriolanus had convinced you that running your Father's weapons company would be overwhelming for you and managed it in your name. As far as you knew it was doing well and was providing many jobs for people in the districts. Everything else in the mansion was tended to by an army of maids and butlers, who were ready at the snap of a finger. So, here you sat in your sunroom that Coriolanus had built as a special place just for you.
You had taken up painting nearly a year ago but your long days of solitude had caused you to quickly run out of inspiration. Now, the paints and easel sat, awaiting your touch but your creativity was gone. You missed Coriolanus and he wouldn't return for another hour. Surely dinner was nearly ready and you wished you were sitting with him, listening to whatever he had spent his day doing. Perhaps you should start a new book before he returns. That'd give you something to tell him about when he did come back.
Maybe the extensive in-home library here would have a book about a lonely woman, wishing for her lover. Maybe there'd be a book all about her and how she spent her days without him and how to pass the time. Maybe, there'd be a book all about her mornings with him and how she never wished for them to come to an end.
It was during these long days that you felt like the loneliest woman in all of Panem. Moments like this made it feel like you were a delicate china doll, only removed from her case to be admired for a few spare moments before being placed back on her shelf.
Two Years Later
Watching. It was something you had gotten good at over the past few months, especially since Coriolanus stopped allowing you to leave the grounds of the mansion. You watched as the boy you grew up with and danced at countless galas faded from view. You tried to welcome the man who sat across from you eating his dinner but it was had more and more difficult as the weeks bled into months and months turned to years. Coriolanus even seldom kissed you now. It hurt even though you knew it was for your own safety. He had admitted it one night in the darkness of your room as he lay beside you. Poison had created sensitive sores in his mouth. You wished he'd stop using it, surely there had to be other ways to do away with enemies.
You felt as though you were withering away, your days were so tedious and you often found yourself eagerly waiting at the dinner table for Coriolanus. Your long days were spent in isolation and you rarely spoke to the staff of the mansion. That didn't stop you from racing to the dining room when the sounds of Coriolanus' return sounded through the halls. Some days it felt like you were a child waiting to tell their parent about their day.
Tonight, it was like your words were falling on deaf ears as Coriolanus was paging through a book while nibbling at the food that had been placed in front of the two of you. Your engagement ring was a dazzling silver as you played with your fingers, wishing he'd look up from whatever knowledge that book might've held.
"Coryo..." You began
"Yes?"
His tone wasn't what you had hoped for. He was annoyed that you were interrupting whatever was on the page in front of him so you didn't elaborate on what you had wanted to say.
Watching. It was something you had gotten good at since there wasn't anything else for you to do.
It was raining the day you found them. You had spent most of the day lounging around and working with the wedding planner Coriolanus had hired so you wouldn't have to do all of the work yourself.
It was nestled in an old shoe box, covered in dust, perfectly hidden behind Coriolanus' clothes on his side of the closet. At first, you had thought it might have been more of Sejanus' things that Coriolanus never gave back to Strabo. Instead what you were met with was worse than a dead boy's things. There, wrapped up in a silky orange scarf sat a single golden earring and an envelope. You swore you could smell lingering perfume on the scarf as you opened the envelope.
It felt like your hands were burning when you finally looked at them. Surely they weren't real. Right?
Two pictures sat in your hands. One of Lucy Gray Baird on some unknown stage, a black guitar in hand. Her pretty dark curls were pulled back and behind her a small group of blurry faces were muddled together, unrecognizable due to the poor lighting. You felt a lump of anxiety and anger swell in your throat when you moved on to the next picture. It was taken as if the subjects of the photo had no knowledge of the camera. Lucy Gray sits on a dilapidated-looking couch with your Coriolanus beside her. Her face was partially obscured as she pressed her lips to his cheek and Coriolanus was smiling, his one arm wrapped securely around her waist.
How long had it been since he smiled like that at you? Perhaps it was even before the reaping that had brought her to the Capitol. When was the last time you saw a truly genuine smile from the boy you grew up with? You wondered how you had missed the way his boyish smiles had transformed into those cruel smirks he donned when things went his way.
Jealousy and sadness burned in your stomach as your mind raced. How long had it been since these photos were taken? It had been nearly 7 years since her games. Coriolanus' head was clearly buzzed in the photo with Lucy which meant it was after he was forced by Highbottom to leave the Capitol. How many times after his return to you had he assured you that nothing had happened between them? How many times had you believed him and his sweet words and actions? How many times had he lied and betrayed you all for another girl who mysteriously disappeared?
Betrayal is what you felt as you pocketed the pictures and slid the box back into its spot behind his fancy coats. Tears were pricking at your eyes as you dressed for dinner, Coriolanus would be back soon and you would confront him about the pictures once he was seated across from you at that dinner table you had sat at hundreds of times.
Dinner is silent as you pick at the cut of steak that was placed on your plate. Coriolanus is talking about how he's on the hunt for another head game maker and how annoying it is but you just can't help but not care. The table that separates you from him makes it feel like a huge ravine has grown between the two of you as you tune him out.
15 years is how long you've known Coriolanus Snow. In those 15 years, you had never dreamed of doing what you were about to do as you removed the pictures from where they sat hidden under your pretty skirt, a floral pattern Coriolanus had picked for your 27th birthday a few months ago. Your heart ached as you slid them across the table to him.
"I found these today. In our closet. Wrapped in your mother's scarf with a gold earring."
You finally have all of Coriolanus' attention as he swallows his food and stops his complaining.
"I thought you said it wasn't romantic. You promised me it wasn't."
Coriolanus glances down at the pictures and reaches out to brush his finger across the one with him and Lucy Gray on that couch.
"You promised, Coryo."
Your voice was breaking. Damn it, don't cry!
"I know I did."
He finally speaks. You wondered what was going through that ridiculously complex mind as he fumbled for his words.
"Then why did you lie? I would've listened if you had just told the truth to begin with." You honestly say.
It's true, you would've heard him out. Maybe you wouldn't have taken him back but you would have at least listened.
"I wasn't thinking straight, okay," He says " I should've told you. I should've gotten rid of that stuff years ago. I don't know why I didn't."
"Yes, you do." You sigh "You love her Coryo. Even now, you're looking for Lucy Gray. That's why you keep me here, you're scared I'll run off like her."
"No, no that's not it. I just...want you to myself." He reasoned
"If that were true you'd let me leave."
"Why do you need to? Everything anyone could ever wish for is right here in this home." He points out, you don't miss the way his fist is clenching, his nails digging into his skin.
"I haven't left the mansion in two years!" You cry, blinking back tears "I feel like some prize you've won and caged up! You don't even let me attend galas anymore."
"You hated those galas. All the nosey reporters and their questions were something you hated. Do you want me to apologize for doing you a favor? I won't. I've done nothing but make your life easier." Coriolanus says
"Yes, you have made my life easier, you've eliminated all challenges I might come across by keeping me here, like a doll." You agree, tone dripping with sarcasm
"Look, if you want you can go to the next gala with me. It's in a week I'll get a designer here tomorrow morning to make you a nice dress." Coriolanus sighed, clearly tired "I don't want to argue with you about petty things"
"Good, then we can argue about these photos." You say, ready to finally hear what he had to say.
"I don't love her. Maybe I did at some point but none of that matters now, I came back to you didn't I?"
Maybe I did at some point.
Hot tears fell from your eyes as you looked down at your feet. How could you be so stupid? Why didn't you see it sooner?
The sound of Coriolanus getting up and walking towards you had you wiping at your face and unattractively sniffing as you tried to fix your runny nose. You didn't want him taking your tears as a sign of weakness. He couched down beside you and pulled your chair out so you were facing him.
"Stop crying." He commands placing his hands on your thighs.
Another fresh set of tears falls from your eyes and Coriolanus brushes them away.
"You're a liar." You say, your voice barely a whisper
"I'm not...I want to be here, with you. I'll let you go back out on your little shopping trips and attend galas, shitty reporters and all."
It's tempting, to agree and let everything perfectly mend itself. But as you glance at the pictures that fell off the table and Lucy Gray's face stares back at you, you feel your heart sink to your feet again.
"You're a liar." You say, this time your voice comes out strong as you push his warm hands from your face
Coriolanus gives you a hard stare but lets you pull away from him.
"You can't even apologize for seeing her." You point out
Coriolanus looks guilty as he disgests your words.
"What happened between the two of you?" You asked
"She ran off, I think. I also had some personal issues after Sejanus was killed. She offered for me to go with her, I almost did." He says
You let out a soft hum of acknowledgment as Coriolanus remains in front of you, on his knees, fiddling with the end of your skirt.
"I don't think I ever really loved her. I think it might've just been the idea of possessing her that I liked." He admits, eyes on the floor
"And how is that different than us now?" You ask
Coriolanus' eyes snap up to yours when the question leaves your lips.
"It's different because...we're us...We grew up together, darling. You ate Tigris' cabbage soup and gave me lunch when I didn't have money for my own."
You swallow the lump in your throat and stand up. Coriolanus immediately rises, not interested in being so much shorter than you. You know what has to come next but you're not sure if you're strong enough to do it. Your actions will close the chapter of a book 15 years in the making.
"Coryo...I think I want to go home." You say looking up at him, fresh tears pool in your eyes.
"You are home. You're with me." He says reaching out and taking your hand in his
"No, I mean...to my family's home. I want my mom, I miss her." You admit, pulling your hand out of his.
Coriolanus' face is confused as you look down at the gorgeous ring he gave you at his proposal. It looked so perfect on your hand when you woke up just this morning but now it felt like a death sentence as you sighed.
"I think you should have this back too..." You say as you slip it off and hold it out to him, "I'm sorry about things ending like this, but if you can't even apologize, I don't think I can stay."
Coriolanus' confusion quickly morphs into anger as he looks at the ring in your hand.
"Put it back on. I'm not letting you walk away." He says, upset
"Coryo, don't make this difficult." You say taking the ring and placing it into the pocket that sits just above his heart in his button-up shirt.
You begin to walk towards the looming archway that marks the entrance to the dining room but you're blocked by an angry Coriolanus Snow, tears in his eyes, fists clenched, and his mouth set in a cold line.
"You're not leaving. I won't let you."
Part Four
Series Masterlist
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