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wanderrlust0 · 10 months

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1/2

honestlyyy my bf is lucky to have me!! bc ive seen and heard things that i feel like another girl would probably not give him more chances or go off on him out of frustration. even his sister told me she’d do things differently. idk im not trying to shit on him at all bc hes a really good person and i love him very much and want to be with him for the rest of my life. i just know that if it was the other way around with all the things we both have done, he would notttt trust me and he already has trust issues. i mean im not perfect either..yes i have done some small things before, but it was without any personal feelings and any intimate physical touch. now, there is a lot of context and things for part of what he did and the situation we were stuck in so like its not as bad as it sounds.. but STILL lol im just thinking. like i know if one of us had to break up with each other it would def be him breaking up with me. i just know. theres already been times where he would sound like he would and he’d make all these confrontations feel so serious. also, hes still a man. yes hes he/they, masc presenting, but he still thinks like men. im not trying to offend anyone pls if literally anyone reads this far so ill explain what i mean. he did not have good luck with girls in hs and so he worked on himself to look better and then got the attention from girls he craved back then. got some experience, got a gf, got cheated on, got dating apps again but stayed fwb with his ex until calling it off when we started dating. i know he can move quickly with things and act on his high sexual drive. if anyone whos considered attractive gives him attention, he could entertain the idea or like he starts to compare me and itll make me feel like im not enough and dont match his lifestyle. i feel like its easier for him than me to start seeing people in a sexual way and want to get in their pants. idk if it could be like the female attention since he doesnt always feel good about himself and now that a pretty girl shows interest its like it gets to his ego. again, i sound like im shitting on him but im not, im just thinking i can type it all out and leave it here bc ive never talked about this or wrote about it. i found out today that he did stuff with his friend ~3 yrs ago while me & him were on a break and me and her are like friendly acquaintances and we went to her baby shower, gender reveal party, & he went to her wedding, all after they did it. he really only told me now bc her husband i guess just found out somehow and msgd my bf about it and said he’ll go msg me about it. he didnt want me to find out first thru someone else, which i appreciate that he was able to tell me first, but its also like okay damn they really did that. and yes it was years ago so i honestly didnt feel hurt about it i was just more shocked. like.. he was on a break with me and felt single and he says shes cheated before so it just happened with them and they didnt do it again. funny thing is that her husband was already suspicious of him years ago and thinking he was only friends with her to do stuff and now shit, he was partially right. honestly, thats a dumb mistake on her end, like she was engaged or almost engaged at the time. also, for the record, he hooked up with (for what i know now) 2 other people during that time period, so 3 within our 1 month break. one didnt involve any feelings i presume and the other one had a shit ton bc they went on actual dates and shit and she ended it bc they both or just she didnt wanna settle. she was 3 yrs younger than him and yes.. i did stalk her a bit bc i needed to know, why her, who she is, etc. and i could already tell she got around..but whatever, i already coped from that lol. back to his friend, he knows she was with someone & he knows her man already didnt like him. even tho she didnt care, he still went along with it bc hes been wanting to do that since the day they became friends. it all makes sense. he met her in school when he was still with his ex so i dont have anything to say about that part but like, again…

#journal #mypost #continued in the comments

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fandommemequeen · 1 year

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my 2022.

alright gamerz itz that time of year again 4 Gamerz Yearly Retrospective!!!

so uhh im not gonna sugarcoat it: this year rlly sucked. a lot of stuff went down this year that id rather not go into detail abt here, but its been rough and unfair and sometimes i felt like it was never gonna get better. add onto that skool being mega rough, facing tons of imposter syndrome over my identity, anxiety, World Events, and fricktons of executive dysfunction, and youve got urself a total recipe for disaster.

but amidst all the doom and gloom.. i had better days. i played videogames and arcade games, i hugged the stuffing out of plushies, i anticipated release dates for new videogames, i got my hands on the g3 monster high dolls and relieved my childhood, i still luv siivagunner and wii deleted you and invader zim and deltarune, i got into just shapes & beats, i discovered the tourney community through mashup week: megamix and made some amazing friends, i got into creepypasta and yfm and osu and taiko no tatsujin and arcane and tmk, i got kirby and the forgotten land and splatoon 3 both on launch day and have had SO MUCH FUN with both of them, i luved watching ghost files and puppet history s5 after school and catching new toh and g3 monster high episodes,,

ive also acomplished some milestones too. first time getting an award for one of my cosplays, coming out as arospec [and proceeding to fall in platonic luv with my irl bestie xd], getting a compression top/binder, getting the awesome short emo hair i wanted for months, first time cosplaying at a convention, getting diagnosed with adhd and finally confirming what i had suspected for so long but never outright said due to self-doubt and fear of faking, starting medication, being in counseling/art therapy, trying sodas and monster energy and starbucks frappucchinos with no coffee, and learning to luv being "cringe".

but overall the best thing i did to make it through 2022 was,, just being me. i wrote. i drew. i roleplayed. i cosplayed. i scrolled through social media and chatted with friends far away from me. i read and wrote fanfics. i crafted. i brainstormed. i coded. i listened to music and cranked the volume on my gamer headset with cat ears. i was so very Not Normal about fictional characters. i made new friends and still kept up with old ones. i revisited old fandoms. i vibed in the front yard while listening to music. i checked the mail pretty much every day, secretly hoping one of my pieces of fandom merch would be there. i supported my family through the hard times, and they always supported me. i imagined scenarios and animatics and animation memes while listening to music. i listened to fandom lofi while trudging through overdue assignments. i rocked out to skrillex and monstercat and camellia playing beat saber at 8 in the morning for my virtual p.e. class last year. i learned the absolute beauty of platonic love. i started making unironic mary sues just for the heck of it. i felt so many emotions. i cried of happiness and of sadness. i hugged. i made vent art on my phone. i had complicated feelings. i felt like a faker at times. i was [and still am] learning to overcome climate doomism and death anxiety. i was weird, i was imperfect, i was cringe... but i was so cool for embracing my weirdness, my imperfection, and my cringiness, and i wouldnt have it any other way.

i know i can survive whatever life throws at me. ive got my friends and family by my side, and just being me in the face of.. well, everything, is the strongest thing i can do. im tired of lying down and just taking it. im tired of feeling hopeless. i will fight. i will persist. i will find ways to cope with anxiety and executive dysfunction. and above all, i will continue to love. i will love my family and friends who always have my back, i will love my interests and hobbies, no matter how weird they may seem to others, and i WILL learn to love myself.

after my 2019 retrospective post, i always hesitated a bit to look to the new year with confidence and resilience and hope, in fear of my hopes being crushed and being miserable. now i see that no matter what, lifez gonna be hard sometimes, but i am strong and i will NOT BACK DOWN.

so, for the first time in years, ill say it again. and i rlly, TRULY mean it when i say this:

BRING IT ON, 2023. this scenekid and tourney-obsessed geek can and WILL handle WHATEVER U THROW AT ME!!

#long post #yearly retrospective

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mazojo · 3 years

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Winter 2021 Anime Opinions

As always its that time of the year I pretend to be an anime connoisseur and leave my review on this seasons anime so take it with a grain of salt asdfgh from the one I enjoyed the least to the most.

Wave!!: Surfing Yappe!! (TV)

You are seeing currently the only probably best thing about Wave asdfghj Tanaka bby I am SO sorry you got stuck here,,,,, Its bad because I had so many expectations for Wave but it just...... isn’t very good? The characters feel 2 dimensional, animation is veeeery average and the plot is all over the place? Dont even get me started on the Shou situation plot device that they just brushed over and went on with and,,,,,big sigh

Urasekai Picnic

To be honest is not very fair to compare this one to the rest as ive only watched the first 2 eps but ill catch up eventually asdfghj its not bad just that the plot didnt capture me as much as I hoped but the two main characters cutiess the plot just confuses me asdfgh but I don't have much to say about it

Yakusoku no Neverland 2nd Season

So uh anyways Chile I don't wanna talk about it the only reason this is not dead last is because RayEmma cute moments but yeah don't watch this clown show go read the manga for self care ✨

Jaku-Chara Tomozaki-kun

The only reason this is here is because she. The main girl I cant remember the name of sucks and main dude is very normal asdfgh the plot is basically “Want people to like you? change everything about yourself and become a normie robot!!!” ASDFGHJ Like its so over the top and cringe at times it becomes very confusing but hey I am not caught up either so I may change opinions (x doubt tho)

2.43: Seiin Koukou Danshi Volley-bu

From this point onwards I basically like everything. 2.43 Started suuuuper strong for me, definitely thought it would be one of my favs this season but as the eps went by I just.... kinda lost interest asdfgh? Like its not bad, but its a sort of mix between Stars Align and Haikyuu where I would have loved a more character based story with dark subplots like Stars Align but got the parts I always criticize about Haikyuu were there was a point I didn't really knew any of the characters? ASDFGH like the enemy team is super cool and Love their designs but if you ask me to tell you anything about them I already forgot rip. Its still cute and the animation is cool but yeah it kind of disappointed me in the end a bit ;w;

Shingeki no Kyojin: The Final Season

AOT Is so sexci because it keeps on hurting me and I come back every-time for it ASDFGHJ Not much to say that hasn't been said, characters are super interesting, plot is a bit confusing at times for me to follow but amazing and I just :))) could go on about certain characters :))))) but I wont :))))

Wonder Egg Priority

Wonder egg priority is very talked about right now so I wont get too much into it other than definitely give it a watch if you like the more philosophical and “makes you reflect on your life choices” sort of anime ASDFGHJ the visuals are stunning and the characters very well build, although I am very confused at times I am still enjoying it tons ^^ Trigger warning however for some heavy topics I recommend checking the warnings before watching it <3

Kemono Jihen

I LOVE THEM OKaY? asdfghjk Kemono Jihen gives me the found family topes and I eat them all right up, I love the characters , their designs, the plot, everything. To be fair tho, I did enjoy the manga more than the anime but maybe its a pacing thing? idk but I definitely recommend 100% taking on the manga and maybe after watch the anime but I am enjoying it tons!!

Kai Byoui Ramune

This one may come as a surprise lol?? Like I haven't seen a single soul talk about Ramune but like??? I am actually enjoying it a lot?? and look forward every week for the ep? asdfghj Like yes I will be the first to admit the animation isn't really the beeeeest out there but the plot is funny while also being serious, the characters are quirky and interesting to keep the flow going and I am liking the undertone heavy messages? the soundtrack also slaps imo and yeah I would definitely say to watch the first ep and if you like that sort of dynamic take it up on the rest!

I★Chu: Halfway Through the Idol

Okay I will be the first one to admit this is just me being trash for the idol shows but like?? its my list so I get to decide which found family I am screaming about next ASDFGHJ. As an avid A3 stan this gave me serious vibes of my boys (plus they were made form the same company so like not very surprised there loll) and like I think the characters are cute with adorable relationships and cute songs and its just a lighthearted show I sit down every Wednesday and smile through the 25 minutes so yes I Chu deserves a high spot and yes I recommend it even if it has like a 6.3 on myanimelist sksksks

Dr. Stone: Stone Wars

Look at Gen!!!! enough reasons to watch dr stone!!!! ASDFGH but in all seriousness I....... love them okAy? The plot is amazing and the characters are super entertaining (hiiii Ukyo Gen Senku and Chrome muak) and although it may seem a bit slower paced than first season the arc is gonna get better and better and the finale is gonna be great if they stick to the manga. Only sad that I dont get to see my pirate fuckboy but we better be getting a third season

Bungou Stray Dogs Wan!

when I say this is the happiness of all my Tuesdays I ain’t even exaggerating ASDFGHJ Does this have an important plot? no. Is it transcending to animation? not really. Is it BSD content I've been starving for? absolutely!!! Tbh I see my favorite anime characters in chibi version and I go feral, go watch BSD pogg!!

Horimiya

Me?? searching for that one gif of the side ship scene am obsessed over?? more likely than you think ASDFGH Horimiya holds a special place in my heart because it was the first manga I ever read and the nostalgia is stroNG,,,,,, The plot isn't anything really transcending but the way the characters are captured the feelings just,,,,,, stan!! Also Yuki x Tooru supremacy !

Skate-Leading☆Stars

Okaaaaay this is also me being a bitch for sports anime but like, again, are we surprised?? ASDFGHJ It may be my love for Hayato speaking but ive absolutely loves Skate Leading Stars, I love the group, the main characters, the ships, the routines and its so pretty and they are in love and like the competition and asdfgh its gOoD OKaY??? Watch it if anything for Hayato 👉🏻 👈🏻 My bastard bitch I love the gremlin.

Beastars 2nd Season

I think we are all sleeping on Beastars brushing it off as a furry show. I don’t speak enough about it and I am not one to go about poetic cinemaness on main but beastars is a very poetic cinema show and yall sleeping on it. Coming from someone who was uncomfortable at first with the whole animal relationships part at first, just know beastars is so much more than that, it has a complicated plot with critics about the society within the show with amazing characters, great soundtrack and animation plus banger plot. Pina, Jack, Juno and Legoshi best characters and every week I look forward for the next eps so I hope yall go give it some love.

SK8 The Infinity

If it wasnt clear from my spam every Saturday that I am absolutely in love with this show I dont know what to tell you ASDFGHJ. Sk8 has an amazing range of characters I find fascinating, specially Reki, very much so everything Reki asdfgh but yeah!! Its super entertaining with an interesting plot and its definetely becoming one of my favorite animes because the amount of times ive rewatched the episodes to cope is kind of embarrassing lmaooo, definetely give it a try although I understand its not for everyone but like,,,,, do it for Reki? 🤧👉🏻👈🏻

#wow I..... need to get new hobbies apart from being a weeb ASDFGHJ #I enjoy doing this asdfghj goodnight spoilers #long post #spoilers #i am not tagging all of it only the top ones because I dont wanna get shitted on for the lower ones ASDFGHJ #sk8 the infinity #beastars #skate leading stars #i chu halfway through the idol #horimiya #bungo stray dogs wan #Kai Byoui Ramune #dr stone

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kettlewrites · 6 years

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thanks for your sweet words ;; sometimes i just cope by crying myself to sleep & when i feel a little bit better i'd cheer myself by reading some fics on tumblr especially social media au cs they're usually funny!! you what makes me sad is its my senior year&ive been dealing with lots of friendship issue, both that i really treasure but ended up being betrayed. so this year i end up closing myself&build walls bcs im afraid of opening up. im always alone at school & its too late to find a clique

♡

[cont. below]

so yeah i thought my previous failed friendship could last bcs i genuinely like the momentum of our friendship, its one of kind but then there's always to dislike about me and they always end up making false rumors about me, others will believe them bcs they were close to me. i got afraid to be close with someone&i'd just do my own thing. its sad bcs during senior year i should have fun with my clique and create memories i can look back when i grow up, but its too late i guess everybody knows everybody already, they have their own cliques & tons of inside jokes that i cant relate if i ever force myself to join one so i just decide to go through this year independantly bcs this is my last year and i wont be seeing their faces anymore. i used to be vvvv cheerful & carefree back then before the issues but after all the drama i got trust issue and find myself to be very cautious in everything i do? like there's no freedom and im always afraid of getting hurt it sucks as if friendship issues arent enough to abuse my emotions, life gave me a problematic family. its complicated. my parents are divorce but both of them keep finding issues to argue? the thing is they argue by themselves only its okay, but they ALWAYS involve their children. and it makes me suffer emotionally. I get scared to talk about my probs to them bcs when they are on mood swings they'd always bring back my insecurities&probs to win the argument. i trusted them but all they do is hurt me im sorry for bothering you!!! you did say to lean on you so i made myself comfy in your ask ;; last night i got into a pretty bad argument with my fam so i cried myself to sleep and i wike up at 3am & thats when i found your au!! I read tons of au last night every single one made my night/day(??) it helps me to lift up the burden i had from last night. Thank you for making great aus 💛 even after the argument, nobody asked me if i was alright. im 17 fgs & this been going on since i was 11

:( im so sorry that you are going through all of this honey, it’s really sad to also know you didn’t have anyone to lean on. i understand how it feels to be outcasted and holding back from being your true self. in my three (almost four) years of high school i have lost and gained friends. mainly this year kicked my ass. i had gained new friends and lost friends who were really close to me as i realized how toxic they were (i hadn’t known prior to this year i believed that it was normal) and i know you think you should be making new memories with cliques, but believe me don’t force something that is not there. you’ll make memories no doubt, but don’t try to force it with people because you’ll turn back and remember how miserable you probably were for trying to force it :( fun memories should be raw and candid, that’s why they’re fun memories. and i understand, the false rumors,, just please don’t listen to them you know they aren’t true so why be bothered by them! i know it’s easier said than done, but please know it’ll benefit you in the future. plus it’s your senior year, you won’t ever see these people ever again. you’ll most definitely find a new group of friends in college,, plus to keep friendships that lasted in hs is kind of impractical and most of the time don’t always work out if im being honest. everyone goes their separate ways, no matter how hard you try to keep yourselves together. that’s just life :( and i know trust issues hold you back but know that the right people are on their way to break down your walls and hold you close. you deserve that, everyone does :( and with your parents, i can understand that too,,, my parents are divorced too and for half of my life they spent their times arguing and fighting over me which really messed with my mentality. (they’ve stopped now as they both have their own new separate families) just know that you’ll be out of this mess soon! :( just remember to take care of yourself and have fun in this life,, you only have one so why not live it to your fullest. i know stuff is holding you back, but you’ll never get what you want if you let it so as hard as it is just break your own walls down and let yourself live freely like you used to. it will be so much better for your mentality and health honey :( please stay healthy and safe. i love you so much, if you want to talk to me ever again feel free to message me or just make yourself comfy in my ask box again :’) i’m always here for you!!

#replies #yukheiddingme

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million-pieces · 6 years

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Sunrise, bands, cry baby?

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally.

i have a lot of favourite quotes but i find myself thinking about this one a lot: “Vincent Van Gogh used to eat yellow paint because he thought it would get the happiness inside him. Many people thought he was mad and stupid for doing so because the paint was toxic, never mind that it was obvious that eating paint couldn’t possibly have any direct correlation to one’s happiness, but i never saw that. If you were so unhappy that even the maddest ideas could possibly work, like painting the walls of your internal organs yellow, then you are going to do it. It’s really no different than falling in love or taking drugs. There is a greater risk of getting your heart broken or overdosing, but people still do it everyday because there was always that chance it could make things better. Everyone has their own yellow paint.” - Alexandra Timmer

i struggle with my mental illness and for the longest time i felt like my coping mechanisms were so destructive and i never felt like i could get better. it was such a long cyclical battle and im not saying its over for me yet but reading this changed the way i perceive mental illness specific to me, so now i kinda take whatever makes me happy and hold on to it even if my family and friends might think im stupid for loving something so passionately. if its gonna make even the slightest bit happier then i dont care if someone disapproves of it (i mean this within reason though not as a means to condone something that obviously can be problematic lol)

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way.

ive always loved bastille and twenty one pilots and i feel like i talk about them a lot already so im really sorry for everyone whos already heard this as;ldj their music means a lot to me and even though i dont listen to their music everyday i find myself coming back to it when i feel a bit sad or alone. its kind of like a big comfy sweater for me ya know. it feels familiar and it makes me feel safe. ive met a ton of wonderful people who also share my love for these bands so im always grateful for that too!

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel.

oh god i was trying to figure it out the other day ive been to somewhere around 15 concerts so im just gonna list the ones that i really enjoyed/were the most memorable:

bastille: it was my first and only time seeing them and the anticipation for it made me so anxious haha, i went alone but i had an amazing time it felt so surreal to finally see them!!! and obvs they were amazing and the music made me so happy

the killers: i went with a couple friends for this one and it was also a really great show!!! all the graphics were so cool and brandon sounded so good live and it was just so fun to be able to hear and sing along to all these iconic songs i grew up listening to

walk the moon: i just saw them a couple days ago!!! it was such a good gig, their songs are so upbeat and fun to dance to plus yelling “maybe if i was straight” during all i want cleared my skin, watered my crops and boosted my grades

oh wonder: i was really into their music and they had just released their new album and i was seeing them just as the summer was ending. they sounded so good live and josephine was so cute she really stole the show everyone adored her and her laugh haha

dua lipa: i also just saw her a couple days ago!! the wait for her to get on stage was actually kinda awful it was completely packed (they really shouldve booked a bigger venue) and her opener was…not good a;sldjkf but she made it all worth it with her beautifully raspy voice, she was so sweet and gorgeous and she started with this cool intro remix of hotter than hell that completely blew me away

thanks for the asks sorry the answers are a bit long!!

send me aesthetic asks

#<3 #long post #Anonymous

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lymanjosh · 5 years

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do you have any tips on bringing up ADHD to a therapist? I desperately need help for it but I don’t want my concerns dismissed because stuff like adderall is heavily misused :(

i had like two pages of an answer for this (and it was coherent, even, if you can believe it) and then i refreshed the page like a dumbass so this is take 2, which is Less Coherent and im sorry but theres nothing i can do about it

so im not an authority on the subject or anything, and i don’t know your situation, and also ive been diagnosed for like 2 weeks, so you can pretty much take everything i say with a grain of salt. what im gonna do is im gonna run through my own experience / what i wish i did differently / what im doing now, and i hope it helps, and you can totally feel free to come back if you wanna talk more at all once im finished!! and i really hope that at least something i say here is of help to you

also this is gonna be rambly and im sorry about that but i don’t know any other way to be. im gonna preemptively forgive myself because youre like me so you get it but im sure it’s not easy to read so for that i apologize.

tldr: know concretely why you think you have ADHD and what treatment options you want to pursue, do like 3 times more research than you think you need to do, write down all your symptoms in advance, cite your past history of mental health treatment if you have one, and try not to worry too much. if your therapist is any good at their job they’ll know you’re not just drug-seeking, and they’ll recognize the symptoms and problems you discuss when you bring them up in the context of ADHD. probably you’ll be okay, and you’ll get the treatment you need.

so i spent most of my teen years in a drug-addled haze. i was depressed and anxious because i couldn’t Fucking Do Anything, and my parents were worried so they took me to the doctor, and the doctor was worried so she sent me to another doctor, and this continued for a long time and i was on like 4 different antidepressants and 4 different antipsychotics and also some anti-anxiety meds between the ages of like 15 and 16. it was heavily traumatic and also not fun, and the reason all this happened was that nobody stopped to think that maybe i might share some genes with my dad, who has been diagnosed inattentive since before i was born.

right off the bat i should have been way more up in arms about self-advocating, which is something you’re clearly doing, so that’s awesome and you should give yourself a pat on the back because that’s really difficult in the mental health industry especially when you’re already fighting your own brain on most things.

hopefully you haven’t been through a wringer of false diagnoses and nonsensical prescriptions, but if you have, then you can guilt your doctor a little bit. “i was traumatized! i was given dangerous psychoactive drugs during a critical phase of neural development! you have to give me stimulants to atone for your sins!” phrase it exactly like that, it’s like a silver bullet. in all seriousness if you ahve past diagnoses of anxiety or depression or anything to do with emotional dysregulation that can help your case, because you can point out that a) these things are common misdiagnoses for adhd, and b) the symptoms for these things logically emerge from things like emotional hyperarousal and rejection-sensitive dysphoria.

what i should have done, and what i think you should do, is write down your symptoms in advance, because then you won’t have to spend an hour hemming and hawing and trying to thnk of them all in the doctor’s office. i did not do this. it didn’t prove to be a problem because my doctor was kinda irresponsible but i really should have done this, just for my own benefit.

when i actually brought it up to my doctor that i might have adhd i had a couple different things going for me. i was talking to my GP, and not my therapist; im not in therapy (which you can probably tell) because therapists creep me out, but i think physicians are probably more inclined to throw drugs at it than therapists are. my GP was also brand new to my case– i had never even met the guy before. i mentioned my history of mental health treatment, and i also mentioned my dad being diagnosed, and im also a girl (girls are chronically underdiagnosed and extremely likely to be misdiagnosed with either anxiety or depression), so i had some concrete facts to support why i had suspicions. i had also done a shit ton of research beforehand, so i advise you to do that– know concretely why you think you have adhd and what treatment options you want to pursue.

you might benefit from talking about it with your doctor before your therapist, but idk that might just be my fear of therapists talking. i think a doctor is less likely to want to taco bout it than a therapist but that may just be my specific experience– you know your situation better than i do. and admittedly a therapist is more likely to, like, Know You and know what you’re talking about when you say (for example) that you’ve always struggled with emotional dysregulation, or whatever.

something else that might help you– i wish i had done this not because i don’t want to look like a drug-seeker but because i Miss Coffee– is to bring up non-stimulant treatments like strattera (for adults) or kapvay or intuniv (both for children but sometimes prescribed to adults) because it’ll show you’ve done your homework and it might be a point against writing you off. stimulants are usually the first resort for adhd, so it’s highly likely you’ll end up on adderall or another stimulant, but it’s good to bring up as an option. might also be good to research it as a serious course of action, especially if you suffer with anxiety, because stimulants are likely to make you more anxious.

i would also advise you not to fixate on adderall? idk enough about your situation to know if you’ve done that but it’s good to be open to other medications and treatment plans bc if adderall doesn’t work for you it doesn’t work and there’s not a ton you can do about it. you should for sure read up on other treatments– you might find one that sounds more appealing, or at the very least you’ll know what to think if your doctor brings up another one unexpectedly.

so i brought up to my doctor that i might have adhd and he immediately plonked a questionnaire in front of me. i filled it out (spoiler alert most of my answers were “often”) and he was like “oh this is textbook, let’s get you on adderall” which like WHAT. i didn’t even ask about adderall. like im not gonna argue with you but let’s talk about this first before we break out the stimulant medication. but i’ve been on it for a couple days and no major side effects yet so maybe he was right who knows. anyway he was super irresponsible don’t let your doctor just prescribe you meds at random go through the side effects. always ask about the side effects. i get such bad headaches after it wears off. i have one now and its Bad.

but as an addendum you should for sure be prepared to use other coping mechanisms. i’ve started using a bullet journal since i was diagnosed which i’ve found works really well, and youtube channels like howtoadhd are really helpful to me!! i try to use the meds sparingly because i Don’t Like taking pills and also bc adderall can be habit forming, and because i hope to eventually be able to function without it, and i advise you to think of it the same way. drugs don’t have to be a permanent fixture in your life– you can use it as a temporary tool while you build up the necessary coping mechanisms and mental pathways to function without it. adhd isn’t broken brain, it’s just brain on hard mode, if you know what i mean. i try to think of the meds as training wheels– i learn to function with it, and then i gradually learn to function without it. so idk if that’s a useful way to think about it for you but to me it feels more hopeful than resigning myself to a lifetime on more drugs. idk.

but even if you’re okay with that, adderall isn’t gonna make you functional (it might. kinda feel like you’re magically functional. that’s how i feel right now, that is to say when im not headaching.) so you have to have systems in place to make it easier for yourself. some kind of productivity app might help ig (i used ike for like 3 days and then my phone died and i forgot to charge it for a week because that happens to me sometimes, but i liked ike!) but i like analog todo lists. feels good checking stuff off. either way is good though.

also get your phone to send you alerts. also rearrange your stuff. like, make the world around you conducive to your functioning. do your best to create and live in a space that enables you to do the things you need to do. get accommodations at school if you need to (i haven’t done this and can’t tell you how but there are a ton of online tutorials and you can probably just google your school + accessibility, or something, and that’s assuming you even go to school)

but yeah i hope any of that was helpful to you and im sorry to make you do 1 million hours of deciphering my shitty informal writing style and i love you and i want to help you please come back and let me know how everything goes bc im gonna worry about you otherwise

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nicholemarie783 · 5 years

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My Emetophobia Recovery

My response to a question on an emetophobia subreddit when OP asked how we got over our phobia. Sorry about the weird gaps. I tried fixing it but it didn’t work.

With me, I had to start slow with getting over it. I’d read V* related stories on FML (just search the word, and you’ll get results. Some of which are actually kind of funny.) I’d also read blog posts by moms talking about how the whole family got a stomach virus, and how they were able to cope.

After that, it was videos on YouTube involving V*. Started off with the gallon milk challenge, because the people in those videos are usually laughing and having a good time, being stupid with their friends, and also the V* doesn’t look like typical V*, just milk. And you can mute it if necessary.

Then I’d watch videos of expectant mothers with morning sickness, people getting sick because they drank too much, or are hungover, or babies getting sick because there’s usually not much V*, and to be honest, you really feel pretty bad for the baby being sick, more than actual panic of the V* happening. Plus some kids will just sit there with a confused look on their face, like “whut,” and those ones are actually kind of funny. Or if the parent gets unexpectedly V’ed on. You’ll find the parent usually laughs it off. There’s also some emetophobia recovery YouTube playlists too. I haven’t looked at any of them yet, but if you’d like, I could take a glance at them and see if it’s paced decently. Maybe you can watch half of one video a day or every 3 days or so. Pace yourself.

After that, I upped my game to people getting sick from stomach viruses, which is absolutely nerve wracking, but it’s what ya gotta do in order to get over it.

I’d also watch a ton of videos of other people talking about their emetophobia as well.

One thing I had to learn to do as well, was sit with the feeling of being nauseous. Normally, at the first sign of nausea I’d reach for any sort of anti-nausea medication, but my therapist told me not to do that anymore (at least until I get over the phobia.)

Also at parties during high school, kids would drink too much and get sick. One time a kid V’ed on the floor of the hosts guest room, and my first reaction (since people V’ing from drinking too much never bothered me) was to sit him upright so he wouldn’t choke on his own V. I had someone grab a trash can, me and another kid got him cleaned up, and I cleaned up the V in the hosts guest room for 20 bucks. The guy that got sick also bought me lunch later that week as a thank you. Another time, I just rubbed a kids back while he got sick, and just comforted him.

So if you’re ever around someone who’s getting sick from drinking too much, or food poisoning, or something that isn’t catchy, try and force yourself to stay there. Don’t have to dive head first into the situation like I did, but just be present, and don’t run out the door.

Similar to OPs story, getting over my emetophobia also involved boose. I lived in New Orleans for three years, and I worked in nightlife, so I drank A LOT. And along with that came hangovers which involve V*, or from just flat out drinking too much. Most nights when I’d get home, I’d just make myself sick to get the alcohol off of my tummy before bed. I found that while I was still drunk, it wasn’t that hard to make myself sick. Sober, the next day on the other hand, it was extremely scary, I cried many times, and had to call friends to pep talk me through it.

Also, avoid sugary drinks, guys. That, and dark alcohols make hangovers so much worse. Also the “beer before liquor, never sicker, blah, blah, blah,” and “you should never mix your alcohols,” myths are false. It doesn’t matter WHAT you drink, it matters how MUCH. Keep alcohol proofs in mind as well. There will be a difference in your hangover if you drink one ounce of 80 proof dark rum vs 151 proof Bacardi 151. (I swear to god, that shit shouldn’t even exist, but oh lord how I miss it now that it’s been discontinued.) But dark liquors do have these things called “congeners,” which have been proven to make hangovers worse. Sources: Google, my non stop party life in NOLA for three years, and former bartender.

Also similar to OPs story, earlier this year a friend of mine and myself got wasted together at his house and I suggested we make ourselves get sick before bed. He knows about my phobia, and understood why I wanted to be in the bathroom with him during, and he was chill with it. He went first and I rested my head on his back. When it came time for me, I was super nervous, so he started making me laugh by giving the toilet a Russian, (excuse me, *Latvian) accent, and making it call me a gypsy and that I had to appease it with my V*. He was making me laugh too much every time I went to shove my fingers down my throat, so I just said, “screw it,” and we went to bed. Moral of the story here is tell your friends about your phobia, or if you feel nauseous. Let them know. They WILL be understanding, and WILL try to help you get over it any way they can.

Part of my emetophobia was that I always expected SUPER negative reactions from people if they knew I wasn’t feeling well. Turns out they are either are indifferent to it, or caring, and want to help out. Ive had 0 friends run for the door when I told them I didn’t feel well.

Since there’s really no way to avoid V’ing or nausea altogether, for the rest of your life, and it’s just a normal, (if uncomfortable and nerve racking for emets,) part of life, we have to learn how to deal with it when it happens, instead of letting ourselves be overcome with fear. And trust me, IT GETS EASIER.

Years ago I was totally repulsed by the idea of being pregnant because of morning sickness/sick kids. Now I feel like I could have one (even without the emetophobia, kids still aren’t my favorite.) Granted, if I could I’d totally not work during my pregnancy if I had morning sickness, but there’s medication out there to help, employers most likely will understand, and worse comes to worse I’ll just V* in a public bathroom.

Kind of off topic, but a funny story involving kids and V* is when my niece and nephew came to stay with us for the summer. My niece has acid reflux issues, and she ate too much one night, and starting getting sick in her sleep. I panicked, ran and grabbed the pink V* bucket hospitals give you, and ran to get mine, and her mom (my sister). Then I slept in my moms room that night because at the time I was sleeping on the couch in the same room where it happened. I was 23 at the time lol. Another good point to bring up is that anxiety translates to kids too. My nephew was still up when all this was going on, and my panic worried him, so he started panicking too, and slept in my moms room as well. He was 12 lol. Every since then, I’ve been extremely mindful about how my phobia may run off on the little ones. If it comes to feeling nauseous or anything, I’ll let my niece and nephew know (they already know about my phobia), and tell them not to worry or panic, and that it’s just me who is this terrified of V*. They always want to help when I feel gross, so I just tell them to either help calm me down by coloring or watching a movie (if the nausea is mild) or I’ll ask that they leave me alone entirely so they don’t see how bad I freak out about it.

I’m not entirely over mine yet, but I’m much better than what I was growing up. I can eat red foods now (didn’t eat anything red for a year after my incident happened), expired foods now (but not like a month expired), eat out at restaurants, drink excessively (granted, I shouldn’t, but meh), be around people who are V’ing, eat at places that I’ve gotten sick from prior, manage to still go out and function even if I do feel sick, get sick in public bathrooms, fly, ride rollercoasters, help out sick kids (sort of as long as it isn’t a Sb), I’m at a healthy weight instead of borderline anorexic like I was in middle school, etc. I get to live my life now that I’ve (for the most part) gotten over this fear.

Now I just deal with anxiety about getting sick like IN IN public, like not making it to a trash can or bathroom. I keep reminding myself the chances of this happening are slim to none, and hasn’t happened to me or really anyone I know since elementary school, but STILL. Even if it does happen, I try to remind myself that people will understand. Be grossed out and want to avoid you sure, but they won’t exile you because of it, and won’t even think about it the next day. Another worry is getting sick in someone’s car while they’re driving. Once again the chances of this are slim to none and has never happened before to me, or any adult I know, but still. I carry plastic bags in my purse just in case. Goes back to what OP said about control. This is also why whenever I do V*, I use my toothbrush or fingers to start it. Helps out a ton with the anxiety because I’m not sitting there waiting and crying in fear for it to happen

Try not to ask so much for reassurance that you WON’T get sick, but for reassurance that it’s OKAY to get sick. Now I’m totally still working on this, but it is a big one. Find pride in doing things your emetophobia never allowed you to do before. I saw some ladies here the other day ecstatic that they got sick, or took their kids out in public. The reassurance that we won’t get sick will only fuel the fire that is this phobia. Don’t let it win. You will not heal if you continuously let it win. I know that sounds harsh, but it’s the truth. No having proud moments over how long it’s been since you V*ed or anything like that

We should be celebrating the minor wins like you were able to actually get sick, you took your kid to a children’s museum for the first time, you ate a food that made you ill years ago, heck, even playing into the thought that maybe you should just get sick is a win in my book.

And since I just wrote a damn novel, here’s the TL;DR.

How I got over emetophobia (for the most part):

Exposure, exposure, exposure.

1) Read stories involving V* to start off with. Look at stock photos of “people getting sick.” (They never actually show any V*). Transition to sounds of people V’ing on YouTube. Advance to videos of people V’ing on YouTube, and people sharing their emet stories.

2) Sit with the nausea. Don’t reach for the meds instantaneously. Just breathe, and sit with the nausea for maybe 15 minutes before taking something for it.

3) Don’t run away from situations where people may V*, unless it’s from a virus or unknown source. IE not a hangover or food poisoning. Not saying put yourself on those situations, but also don’t run from them when they arise.

4) Try to start making yourself V* when you’re drunk. Once again, don’t intentionally get drunk for this purpose, but the alcohol will help calm your anxiety about it, and you’ll find it’s much easier.

5) (This is really just a good drinking tip) don’t do sugary drinks or dark liquors. They’ll make you feel horrible the next day. And it’s not about WHAT you drink or the combination, but about how MUCH you drink.

6) Tell friends about your phobia, when you feel sick, and if you’ve V’ed recently. They won’t react negatively, and they will more often than not support you in your times of need, and praise you for your success.

7) V’ing is a normal part of life, and we’ve gotta get used to regardless of how much we fear it. And it gets easier the father into your recovery you get.

8) I kind of want a kid eventually. Someone slap me to get me to start thinking straight again.

9) Kids pick up on your anxieties, so lead by example, but also don’t be too tight lipped about it. This goes back to #6.

10) Try not to avoid the V* and D* words, or any that refer to V’ing. I go back and forth depending on how OP writes it, because I understand it can be triggering, but we still have to expose ourselves to it in order to get over it.

11) I’m not fully over my fear of it yet, but I’m doing MUCH better than before and really loving life now that I’ve (for the most part) gotten over it.

12) The chances of our fears coming true (ie getting sick in public, or in a car) are usually going to be pretty slim. Even if it does happen, it’s not the end of the world (so cliché, and I’m sorry) and people will understand, and not exile you from society.

13) Get therapy or medication if the anxiety and panic are too much to handle and REALLY interfering with your life. Try not to rely on the meds entirely though, and still work on getting your fear in check. Meds should really only be used as a crutch while you’re learning to walk again.

14) It takes time to get over this, or any phobia for that matter, so don’t get discouraged if it doesn’t happen overnight. Just keep a positive attitude and remind yourself you’re taking baby steps in the right direction.

15) Change your way of thinking. Instead of asking for reassurance that XYZ won’t make you ill, think in the terms of “well if it does make me sick, I’ll be just fine. I know I’m really nervous about it, so I’m going to ask my friends or support groups to remind me that it’s okay to get sick.”

16) Sorry my TL;DR is another damned novel. I just really wanted to share what I’ve done to get over this with you guys. Having this phobia sucks ass, and I’m SO glad I’m getting over it. And sorry for any grammatical/spelling mistakes. I’ve been working on this thing for an hour, and my food is getting cold, so screw proof reading.

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somedaypast-thesunset · 7 years

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i was ready for bed and heard the call of weed again - or what i hoped would be weed but instead was 10$ which is probably honestly for the best in the long run. i probably honestly need 10$ more than i needed weed - and they stll smoked me a few joints anyways.

but it was good to speak to other people. to regain a sense of my surroundings that is not the little bubble of the 5 streets that seperate my house from his. because ive lived in that very protective bubble for atleast several weeks and although its protective, its not a bubble thats for me. i am just like hitching a ride on someone elses bubble and neglecting my real life because it sucks. and its hard.

it 3am. and i want to like pretend im going to make some fucking plans for tomorrow an do things but i dont know if i will. i know that this is a very weird way to be living right now and i have to excessively apologize for fucking living in a squat house at this point. it doesnt have to be thiissssss bad. this is stupid. but i dont have the energy to make it any better right this second so im just kind of thinking about it - which is super typical for my life. that describes my entire being.

the way i would describe this week has been like an rpg video game but like.. in a metaphysical world. like i existed in this world while also in another world of my mental being and continually battling shit that was just .. really stupid and unnecessary. this was like a frustrating shittly made rpg. and the first couple of levels are painfully hard where like its just grinding and grinding to be able to do anything. and then once you get to thing you grinded so hard for its lik the most impossible glitched bugged out boss but you already put 80 hours of your life into it so youre going to find that 1 in a million fucking way to beat the boss that for som reason in itself has like 17 side quests you have to complete before you even touch the guy.

and its like the people aroud me are shitty people watchng a stream of this video game but all they see is my webcam. they dont see the actual game. they just assume what the fuck im doing or how im doing it or if its hard or not and give me vague advice that kind of rings true to the situation but they have no idea whats actually going on anyways. and like everyone in awhile you get this shitty comment about how you suck or you’re a failure and its like you dont even know what the fuck is happening on the other side here right now because im doing pretty well for the circumstances at hand.

i dont know if im even at the final boss i think im on the 17 side quests. and like i dont have fucking time for this but i also dont not have time for this because its life or death inside of my head right now. you cant walk away from that its very serious and im stuck inside my head.

being around other people helped. but like i wouldnt have been able to go out and meet these people for a random thing. i wouldnt. but the way it was set up - and that in itself felt like a fucking side quest to make it happen; i felt comfortable and could sit and just observe a conversation and just participate when i felt like it. i didnt sit and moan about my life at all. i was more than capable of having a normal conversation about totally neutral topics and common interests. most of the time i just listened but listening made me feel acknowledged. lke i also existed because this person was telling me someting and to them in that moment i was important because they wanted to tell me this thing.

because they wer emore acquaintances than true friends i “knew”, i was also able to regain reality by seeing their own display of personal greivances. if i shared mine, they would have been worse. and times in my head i couldnt help but think you know you guys are actually kind of lucky. these things could all be a lot worse. you have a lot going for your life. but this is life. and they have their own set of problems which weigh heavy on them enough to need to air their issues to people they dont actually know very well. and that says something, regardless. they also feel a sense of desperation in expressing something that maybe theyre not even expressing to other people.

i didnt take that chance with them for myself though. i was very subtle - or i perceived myself being subtle when talking about the issues ive had lately. im also really confused by these issues - the side quests. because i know these are side effects of the drugs and im panicking about very odd things that dont need such a sense of panic but its bringing to the surface the idea of these problems existing at all. like focusing on not having family. i havent had family for awhile. this is not the most pressing issue but it was killing me for hours on end. and like - this takes up way too fucking much of my day. to be sooo panicked about something you cant even do shit about is exhausting. and then like i project these feelings on to him because i want to share something with him - like i dont even know if i want to share a life with him because im crazy and this is crazy and everything is fucked. but i want something with him and being crazy and too fucked to work / find a job is standing in my way. i have nothing to prove im a functioning human. and im barely a functioning human, honestly. like it is very surprising i am 27 now. thats fucked.

regardless if i do something or not, things are going to change dramatically in my life in the next several weeks. because i am very sure i am going to be evicted. and i probably very much deserve to be evicted. i owe atleast 3000$ point blank in my life with all my debts, which it could be more - and i have no job and ive spent weeks trying to “get better”. thats terrible. i absolutely deserve to be evicted. i am already homeless and i live like a homeless person squatting in a random apartment i got lucky to find. like this is fucking nuts the way im living right now. and people are witnessing it. they literally have witnessed this and thats pretty embarassing.

again in my head im like oh yeah im going to get up tomorrow and just go out and look for work. but i havent showered in three days. or eaten anything substantial - out of catatonic fatigue and general lack of care - and ive pretty much allowed the cats to piss on everything i own so i have no clean clothes or underwear. i just let everything around me go to complete shit

and its funny because i naturally wanted to solve my issues with weed. like a fucking power up to get through the worst of it and i went through fucking everything and everyone to do it. with no fucking money. i made money and still got weed. thats how fucking well i did that.

and yet.. here i am. this is ... like im the weirdest craziest person to be around. i really think i have to be like pretty up there in craziness. like the perception people must have of me ... if its even a ‘perception’ since its probably the reality but im like .. crazy bitch over here. i cant even imagine knowing me. i cannot even put myself outside of myself and imagine knowing me as a person. i would be a super frustating person to witness in life. i am really .. i dont know. ive existed on fucking nothing. like how did i even do that. why would he even be around me for this long outside of his own craziness. like why the fuck would you even love me. its not even a self pity thing im generally like ... appreciative that i am being loved but wow why would you. i really offer... being a nice person. thats what i got in life. i am a nice person who is creative and like fairly well read & intelligent with an assortment of domestic skills none of which are really top notch but they get you through. other than that i got nothing. i got debt. i got shitty cats that even im like these are probably our last days together. i have good looks which is probably why im honestly getting by in life and have gotten by so far. and that honestly is not even something to gloat on because its not like im super fucking hot. im just a good looking person. like slightly above average. i have a pretty nice body as well but i dont keep in shape in anyway and am frequently malnutritoned. ive also completely scarred probably 70% of my body which is very obviously done by me. so thats always fun when youre about to fuck someone for the first time. and i mean.. im not even that into sex. ive been called a tease more than once because i allowed my good looks to give me what people were offering me when i knew it was because of my looks. i wanted something, but i wasnt interested in them.

i have no formal education and dropped out in early highschool - like very early. i dont drive. i dont have a car ad defiinitely could not afford one. i dont even have a bike. i cant afford public transit most of the time. im a nice person, you know. i’m caring, sometimes to a fault. i have potential to give a very serious kind of love to the right people. but thats it. thats what i have to offer a person in a relationship with me. thats what i have to offer in a life with me. i mean, i dont even have real interests. i watch documentaries. thats honest to god my biggest interest and has been for months. its like a fucking hobby in some ways. i watch guys playing video games on youtube - a lot. i dont even play video games. i honestly dont know why im fucking watching it. this is totally unnecessary and ive done it openly and just fallen asleep peacefully. why? thats so weird. thats such a weird thing to do. i smoke, alot. i smoke a ton of weed. thats one of my worst qualities. i cost a lot of money and make .. none. the amount of money ive cost other people is probably in the thousands and that was out of kindness. just so i could exist. but i know it does help me. it helps me cope and to leave it behind with no coping skills is really unhelpful to my life.

so where do i start? probably by going to sleep. waking up at some decent hour - its almost 4 now so i hope for 10, but this is just spewing dreams in alot of ways. i could wake up and continue to lay in bed for hours. somethng simple like stretching - which i honestly really need after this anyways. taking a shower. trying to clean my house. find money, just.. keep finding money and money resources. thats the best i can fathom right now. i want to say ill find a job but thats so complex of a hurdle i just .. i can successfully find money in trade for simple labor. not a job. fucking.. eat food. i have food. i literally have food to eat. i just need to get back ... i dont know. somewhere. back in myself.

tommorow will be the beginning of the final battle right now. there will be more battles, more shitty rpg games, but this battle will be finished soon and im getting back to real life. real fucking life.

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viralhottopics · 7 years

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Kesha at SXSW: ‘The internet is not a healthy place for me’

Singer whose case against her former producer Dr Luke exposed her to online abuse said she avoids the web and wants to raise awareness of eating disorders

Pop star Kesha spoke about the internet abuse she has suffered, which has seen the singer pare back her online presence dramatically, and her struggles with eating disorders at an emotionally charged SXSW event.

Speaking at a session that discussed ways to reclaim the internet, the star said she only uses the web to connect with her fans but no longer finds it a space she feels comfortable in. I use the internet to connect to my fans but aside from that, its not a healthy place for me, she said. Comment sections have also become a no-go zone for her.

Especially not posting comments. I try to limit myself in terms of reading comments because there can be a million positive ones, but I always gravitate towards the one negative one. I hold on to that and I internalize it and I know its an unhealthy habit. Ive stopped reading comments.

Kesha also spoke about her battle with body dysmorphia and bulimia, which she said almost killed her after doctors said she was so weakened by the disease that they were surprised she hadnt had a stroke.

I want to talk about it because I want to help people, she said, visibly moved. It can kill you. I almost died. I came very close, closer than I ever knew. By the time I entered rehab they were surprised I hadnt had a stroke because I wasnt consuming enough of anything.

She added that when she was at her lowest point during her eating disorder was when people complimented her on how well she looked. I was starving and people used to say Wow, you look so great. Keep doing what youre doing. And little did they know they were encouraging me to starve myself to death.

She added that a turning point came when she began to ignore online abuse and focus her attention on her own well-being. Criticism used to tear me up inside, she said. I was making trolls, I was making bullies, I was making people who Id never met before who were projecting their insecurities on to me on the internet, I was making them the truth. I was really sad.

In order to cope with the stresses of online abuse Kesha, who has been embroiled in a long-running legal battle with her former producer Dr Luke, who she claims raped and abused her, undertook a shit ton of therapy and created music.

Over the past couple of years I feel like Ive become a woman in a lot of ways because Im kind of reclaiming my personal space, my body, my music, and my life. With online its important to reclaim that space too.

When I first came out as an artist I thought I had to be really tough and I was really young and I had no fucking idea what I was doing, she said. I thought to overcompensate I had to act really tough and act like nothing affected me, I thought that was strength. Ive since realized Ive found a lot of strength in my vulnerabilities. A lot more people can relate to that.

I think the world should be a safe space, I think America should be a safe place and I definitely think the internet should be a safe place, she said.

The singers case against Dr Luke became a focal point for fans and other acts worldwide who spoke out in support of Kesha. Stars including Taylor Swift and Lena Dunham spoke out, and in Swifts case donated $250,000 to Keshas legal fund.

One lawsuit was filed in California and dropped by Kesha in August 2016; another in New York was dismissed by a judge in April 2016. The verdicts essentially meant Kesha was tied to a contract with the producer who she alleged had raped her.

Dr Luke, whose real name is Lukasz Sebastian Gottwald, has denied all the allegations.