#ive only been moved out for like a week ;;;

[kenjo-arts]

Oh would you look at that! It's monday! Is this still a thing?

🥚💚 <3

C!DREAM EGGS MONDAY!!!! but lil blob!

#the answer to if its a thing or not is like maybe? maybe not? #in the end i started wanting to put too much effort into eggs monday and it burnt me out on it like crazy especially as there was #like a self imposed deadline of every or every 2 weeks on it #if i return to it itll only be for silly doodles that dont take effort #otherwise ill just keep drawing other things #i do however have a sketch with dragon dream for cdream eggs monday i havent done #ive also moved like a week or two ago and is still getting my stuff in place like shits been happening in my life for some time that made #drawing hard too but hopefully i can get back on it now. untill im taking a trip to help someone in july. not to mentionoh god zelda #kenjos art #c!dream #c!dream eggs monday #dreblr

[famewolf]

speaking of ocd, I think I'm realizing that I truly don't have anxiety and it's literally just my ocd. im not anxious about anything until it involves me and suddenly I'm spiraling

#[static] #it's hard to describe succinctly but the anxiety I deal with nowadays is directly related to my ocd and autism #some anxiety is so easy to brush off but the ones stemming from my ocd are extremely difficult to get out from under #i'll spiral for weeks about one specific thing and ruminate on it and mentally worry and pick at it forever #it's utterly exhausting jfkdghdf some days are easier than others #and often that one thing I ruminate on becomes multiple things all stemming from the first thing #like recently it's been my car ... the thing is totally fine ... runs fine drives fine but ive been freaked out by it for the last 3 weeks #every time i go into the shop theyre like ... everything is good in fact its in good condition for its age and they'll mention like #one thing that will need to be replaced to keep it in tip top condition and then my brain will fixate on it and imagine all the ways #something horrific will happen if that doesnt get changed and then that leads to all the other things in the car suddenly freaking me out #i defs used to have general anxiety and depression but those went away literally the day i got top surgery #poof instantly gone it was wild and i kept waiting for the other shoe to drop #never did but now my ocd has been really bad the last 6 months cuz of all the extra horrifying things going on #so i thought it was just my anxiety coming back but this week i realized it was my ocd and have been treating it accordingly #and ive seen some relief but i definitely need to go back to therapy once i get my insurance again #its the only way to get a hold on it and my last therapist ended up moving states so we didnt get to work on tools for it very much #im yapping at this point i just needed to vent for a second about how truly yucky ocd makes me feel

[terroristiraqi]

i genuinely feel sick lol like it's never been this bad

#p #ive been absolutely inconsolable since like october like i'll have a good few days and then crash for a week #i feel guilty for just existing my head is pounding im so exhausted #its been really bad this last month i can barely get out of bed in the morning #getting to see bf is the only reason i can get up and out of the house sometimes lmfao #i dont wanna go to class i dont wanna do homework i dont even wanna do fun stuff i dont wanna crochet like i feel like there's something #pressing down on me constantly and i cant bring myself to move #been practically nonstop crying for like 2 weeks i feel like i cant breathe #im so tired bro its not even cute 😭

[thepavementsings]

Honestly I think the #1 thing about moving into the professional space that I wish I learned about sooner was the importance of finding a true mentor in your field. There's so much talk about network network network but having a few people with knowledge and experience truly ride for you beats the thousands of linkedin connections ten times out of ten.

#i wish i was told at 18/19 about really leaning into people you admire/who believe in you instead of burning yourself out for tons of ppl! #ive been really lucky to have amazing people in my corner throughout my university years in my jobs who have really looked out for me!! #my research supervisor is the one who gave me the job i start friday (!!) #bc i talked to him about my short career history and fears of this tight job market and uncertainties etc etc #and he gave me this opportunity saying 'i know this isnt what you want long term and i will support u searching for what that is but for no #- i think you should push yourself to try something different! #and my old mentor who was my absolute ride or die just messaged me about coming back to my old job in a closed off industry rn #basically sat with me for an hour the other week just catching up hearing my plans talking about what i want for my career #hoping to line me back up with my old team to hopefully break the market and then help me move around once im in #to get to where i'm really passionate about #i know im soso lucky to have people like that in my corner and a lot of that just came from happenstance that personalities seem to click #but its such a weird falsity we push about #'grow your network full of these strangers at conferences! but never dare admit youre only doing that for a job opportunity!'

[coffee-bat]

hii not to vent on main but i kinda feel like my body is giving out

#really scared rn ✌️ #vent #personal #(cw: eating disorder) #so yknow my healths been on a downward spiral for years bc of my restriction #anemia kidney stones gallstones hypothyrodyism hypothermia etc #ive already been having trouble fasting for a good while now #but in the past week its suddenly gotten so much worse #when i dont eat for a long time its now gone from 'feeling faint/nauseous' #to 'i am going to faint RIGHT now' #everything goes cold. brain feels foggy. floor feels like its moving. my limbs feel numb #and not even after that long not eating #yesterday it happened at only 1pm (i got up at 6 (ofc no breakfast) and been active from then) #like even last month i could easily go a whole day #and even then the only thing forcing me to eat sth was the nausea #now i dont even get to the point of nausea ir hunger pangs. its just a sudden drop and i HAVE to get some sugar immediately or ill pass out #its never been like this. i could go on longer. i had control over when i ate #now im being forced to by my own body just going 'fuck you' #the fact that its so sudden scares me #and even outside the episodes im exhausted. rn breathing feels like effort. yesterday i was scared to go to sleep #in a few hours ill get my blood checked. then ill know if its just anemia worsening or sth. but rn with no idea whats happening #im scared #it feels like my body is giving up. it handled so much abuse from me for years and now it feels like a 'straw that broke the camels back'- #-moment. like its just giving out with no warning signs #im really scared and dont really have anywhere to turn to so. sorry posting here feel free to ignore

[skrunksthatwunk]

yeah i can't come to class today, sorry. yeah. yeah. it's cause my hair's too long. mhm. gonna put me out of commission til the weekend at least

#fuck it's too long it's too long it's too long hate hate hate hate hate kill kill kill #i am resisting the urge to cut it all off with scissors but just barely #i havent been able to go home lately and my clippers are there. fUCKK #ITS TOO LONG SOMEONE GET ME OUT OF HERE #i cant stop thinking about shaving my head again or at least cutting it short #it's summer i should have short hair summer is for short hair FUCKK THIS IS WEIRD #i feel like a sad stonermetal mushroom. in middle school. and NOT in a cool way if that wasnt clear!! #hhhhhhhhgnnnghfhn fuckk i feel so gross and weird #i didnt even do anything why are my spoons gone FUCKK. SHITITTTUJ DAMMIT #this is so dumb i literally skipped my second class for no reason and i have so mucj work but i didnt even do anything #i shoudktn be this out ofnit. euhhhhhghh #and i have a new friend and he really really wants to hang out and i dont hav.e the spoons #but i feel so bad.. and i have other ppl i wanna hang out with but i cant bring nyself to readh out #and even if they reached ouy i probably wouldnt be able to respond and i have to go see a show thid week too #bc theyre doing into the woods and i love that shit and i promised id go ans ive been lookign forward to it for months #but i cant. bwuhhhhhhhhghhhh #and i cant just tell the new friend i don't wanna hang out twice this week (one is the play) bc i blew him off all last week #i really dont wanna hurt his feelings but i really can't communicate like he wants me to. and ive kinda said that but still #mmmmmmnnnnuguhghh hes only doing it bc i mean a lot to him but it's moving so fast ans I can't really be there forbhim the way he probably #deserves.. i should probably eat skmething idk. eughhhhhhhhgghhghhggh. melting into a pile of slop and slurry rn #just gonna sink into my bed and not sleep and feel bad. hoorayy

[bangcakes]

.

#the boy update is that ive calmed down significantly and am once again a Human #i'll see him when i see him. im not gonna stress anymore #hes busy working like crazy anyway and i need to get a job NDNJDDNDNDMDM #like i still really like him but i think my priorities have been Fucked NDNDJDJDJDJDJD #BUT IM BACK ON TRACK. YA. #my other friends also back from her trip so thats exciting. i missed her JDJJDDJDDDD #i just..... its gonna take me awhile to ask to hang out. im just SHY and also I HAVENT FELT LIKE SEEING ANYONE DJDJZJSKSKSKSKSKSKS #but now im better... yeah i think i just needed like to be a hermit for a bit #plus i suddenly am super busy this week like what the fuck. family AND friend things. like did everyone just Wake Up all of a sudden NDJJD #like we may even see my cousins from alberta. im like JDJDD OK??? #havent seen them in like.... im gonna say 10+ years. and of course its this week that theyre here with my uncle #who ive only met like idk 3 times JDJJDKDKKDJDJD #and of those times... hes been drunk out his mind i think... 2.5/3 NDJDJD #i think hes sober now tho???? #idk. we might not even see them. my moms side is really flakey 💀 #but hes my moms fav brother and shes his fave sister so i hope they get to see each other NDJDJJDJDJD theyre only a year apart #its so weird bc him and my mom were so close but then like... lets just say Life and he moved away and ya zzjjdjdkdj #they had this like. super long like 4 hour talk on the phone a few minths ago and idk i think it cleared up like the last 30 years. idk man #my moms side is crazy. thats all i'll say #personal

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#theres a special kind of agony in tryinf to find an apartment in an college town with a housing shortage #everythings expensive as fuck and im sure its frustrating for everyone but i feel like its especially frustrating for me #bc it takes me so much fucking time to understand the information right in front of me and then i doubt myself so i have to check and check #and double check and triple check that im on the right website. that im inputting the right info #and its like. what if theres a better place i could b looking? like i found a management place to apply to thats expensive but less #expensive than another place but the building looks like its kinda on the edge of town like 15min drive from school #which i hate bc im an anxious freak and its gonna b worse than driving here bc itll get icey as fuck there #like proper inches of snow all winter. negative negative cold. so its like. do i take a nice apartment thats kinda far away #or a slightly more expensive apartment thats like 10min from school and more in town #and then theres the application stuff. and i cant fill anything out without having a full on like sobbing breakdown #but im that way abt everything. i do that all the time when i have to buy plane tickets #its exhausting. and i cant plan my exit until i know when i can move into a place. whatever. it doesnt help that my hormones r fucked rn #or i hope its the hormones. ive been so tired. so so tired. like sleeping 9hrs and still tired when usually im wired after only 7hrs sleep #i hate it. and super brain foggy. and this week i have to finish taking measurements for the last time #so i gotta decide if im gonna go in tomorrow or Monday to start it. its gonna suck so bad bc im gonna try to do it in 6 days. which will b #agony. but after that ill never have to do it ever again. ugh. im just so tired and i dont wanna limp my way into a new project feeling #like damaged goods. which is exactly what it feels like now. ive just done a very good job of making my job difficult #cant go into the lab without feeling physically ill. drained away all my joy. now theres only a sad distant recognition of how far ive #allowed myself to fall. i kno ill feel better once i have a place to stay and i can quit my job just getting there is taking an eternity #unrelated

[possiblytracker]

rolling on the floor and weeping bc i do not have the time in the day to sit down and work on art that takes concerted effort and thought (especially not now i have very recently learned i have until friday to get most of my stuff out of this house) i am playing a neverending game of "am i going to be able to pull this off or am i going to have to weigh up whether it'd be ruder to make commissions as artfight attacks or wait til august"

#bc god knows july is going to be the only time i can body myself into working at this point #ill prolly just try and ride the Artfight High to do the existing comms without actually uploading them if it would be a dick move to #try and get points out of them gkhjSDB #bc i have a feeling it might be and id feel bad. like. it goes against the spirit of the event or smth? #either way i have given up on opening new comms for now i will deal with the crushing debt later #aiming to reopen in august or maybe july but ik artfight month is kind of an 'off season' khgSKDJ #its!!! i feel bad because I Have been drawing ive been doing the askblog and a few misc things for artfight prep but #those dont take as much time and effort and Deliberate Thought as working on smth for other people and i am crawling with anxiety #full disclosure i even have one done!!! a whole commission sitting there!! forabout a week!! but ive been scared to get into Conversations #so its like. ok. im just gonna. continue shoveling the heap of Life Problems out of the way slowly #and eventually the giant pile will become small enough i can think about other things again and it will be ok #ill have a bit of time at home this weekend with not much else to do so. ill see how wiped out i am #at least things are gonna get good this week there is light at the end of the tunnel to look forward to ..

[arcaneyouth]

god i fucking hope this rover thing pays off.

#vent post #negative #i need money so bad its killing me #i have taken out a couple hundred from my savings. because i never know if i have enough money for something (i dont. ever.) #so. goodbye to my moving out funds. if rover doesnt pay off im. so. fucked. #would be easier if i could just get a fucking job wouldnt it!!! but its been like 2 years and still i have not had anyone just #walk me through the process of how that works #they just tell me 'you just apply online' and dont explain what that means and dont show me how to do it #they dont tell me how to do an interview they just assume i know how this works and i dont and i keep trying to make that clear and no one #fucking helps me #i only last week learned youre supposed to ask the interviewer questions and that you can do interviews at like. coffee shops #i have 0 fucking job experience and it is Killing Me!!!!!!!!! #i hate money!!!! i hate trying to get money in this world that wasnt built for me!!!!!! my fucking anxiety and my autism hates this!!!!!!! #not to mention im still terrified of leaving the house which is only fixed by leaving the house but i have no reason to leave the house #so i dont and i stay scared and i dont think about jobs i cant do at home and thats even worse for reasons i cant explain #i still dont know how taxes work and when thats going to be a thing i have to get a crash course on #and while im fucking trying and failing over and over to just take the first steps i have to spend money to live #money i dont fucking have #money i. do have. but thats money ive been saving since i was a kid so i could have a good start for moving out #and ive transferred 1000 of it to my card in the last few months alone. #if i dont get some solid cash from rover im just. stuck again. stuck in this stupid loop ive been in for years #i started trying to move out at the end of 2020. #ive made no progress. #.....i guess ive made a little progress. i can drive now. thats. pretty important. #and i did download rover #and other than one dumbass thing my accounts pretty much ready to go #and itll get me out of the house more and I'll get used to that more and maybe just stepping outside wont be a nightmare anymore #uhg. lays face down on the floor.

[gaystardykeco]

not ready to go back to work tomorrow but luckily im so not ready that my brain isn't letting it fully process and so im just kind of numb except for little moments when the panic breaks through again

#feeling more and more like a robot and less and less like a person the emptier my life gets #the future is so empty like its just work and isolation forever #i have one thing left at the end of this week and then after that its just work and family and alone #and i think numbing out completely is really the only way ill be able to cope at all #i didnt used to really be able to do that but maybe now im to the point where i just have to so its become an option #idk i also might just be lying to myself and be about to get hit really hard with how bad this all is tomorrow #job interview friday. but plausibly i dont think i can take the job even if i get it bc i just dont think i can move to nyc #i just feel like ive hit a dead end #like i was a side character in someone elses story and that person has moved on so im just like floating in stasis #bc my part of the story is over i wrote myself out of their lives so i don't really exist anymore #idk my brain is telling me all these things that i know are silly but feel so true and i just am tired and empty #sorry to be dramatic and complain again just dreading work so bad #i just dont see any path forward thats not this forever loop like i cant make or have real connections with other ppl #and thats whats supposed to make a life real and worth living #but ive never had the capacity to connect right and ive never had passion for anything and ive never been able to really love and be loved #and i dont know how to fix any of it bc honestly i dont think any of its fixable #ill always be an emotionally harmful drain on anyone i think i love and ill always be left when they realize that #and then ive just hurt another person and i dont want to be a person that just hurts people so i cant be around people anymore #but its so empty and its so lonely and i hate myself so fucking much #anyway. i sound like a pathetic whiny teenager lmao sorry i know how stupid it all is i promise

[s0urte3th]

mom is bitching at me how i need to wear short sleeves TOMORROW, and just get over it

#‘you NEED to wear them tomorrow’ or what. #youre gonna take my phone away? im just AnXioUs and need to get the fuck over it? #woman youre lucky i dont fucking take my car and leave. youre lucky i don’t disappear without a trace. #‘we love you and dont care and dont judge!’ i understand that. i do. #but sometimes that just doesnt matter. you can say that to me all you want and ill always have a voice saying otherwise! #i cant just get over this hump. i dont know how to explain it to you but i just cant. its not that simple. #i cant just.. get up and get moving like you want me to. i dont know how to tell you that im absolutely fucking exhausted. #‘youve been taking a break for 6 weeks now’ and? i worked my ASS OFF. FOR 5 FUCKING YEARS STRAIGHT. I DESERVE A BREAK! #IVE EARNED A GODDAMN BREAK. IVE EARNED A FUCKING SUMMER OFF. THIS IS MY FIRST SUMMER OFF IN 5 GODDAMN YEARS WOMAN #i dont care if you think im being lazy. im sorry i dont work the same fucking way you do! but thats a you issue! #‘you need to get your life together’ WELL I DONT WANT TO! I DONT WANT TO RIGHT NOW! I WANNA BE A STUPID COUCH BUM! #i basically just learned that EVERYTHING. I WORKED FOR! IS USELESS! i pushed myself to the edge a constant amount of times over the past 5- #years for NOTHING. because i am incapable of doing anything without someone telling me to or holding my hand. #how do you expect me to know what to do with my fucking life when the life i thought i always had was just shattered? #ive trailed off my planned path! i didnt plan for this! i never thought it could happen! i thought id be PERFECT! #imagine being told your entire life how smart and capable you are only to fail right as someone isnt holding your hand anymore. #just #whatever man. if i dont wanna wear short sleeves i wont. if i dont wanna go outside i wont. #i didnt want to interact with the world anyways. especially after finding out that i dont fit in whatsoever.

[scattered-winter]

wanted to write something today (i have an ESSAY DUE TODAY and i have WIPS) but instead im thinking abt my mom. lol

#there was a fucking cyberattack on the hospital that she gets her cancer treatments from and their systems have been down for WEEKS #and she's been delayed in getting treatments because of it and ykw. its advancing at a terrifying rate so its not like she has the time #to just sit around and twiddle her thumbs waiting for the problems to be resolved #and im lowkey !!! fuckin terrified !!!! #like. she has her meds NOW and i think we've fairly moved past it for the most part. but idk. #how much time did that really give her??? another month??? or two?? or three???? #she's been a ticking time bomb for 3 years now and i think she's almost out of time #i cant explain how i know. i just do #she's always in pain. i cant be around her because she's constantly in so much pain and i dont know what to do to help #and its just a reminder that she's only getting worse. #and i feel horrible for isolating myself from her because she doesnt have long!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i know im gonna regret it later!!!! #but ive never been good at seeing ppl in pain. or knowing what to do about it. #and every new scan she has just shows more tumors and more growth and more red flags #and idk. im tired. #im tired of being scared. im tired of the fucking sword hanging over our heads. im tired of grieving my mother while she's still alive #and im tired of treating her like a ghost when she ISNT yet but i dont know what else to do because everything fucking hurts. #and all my complicated feelings about my mom aside. all the ways we've hurt each other #and the ways she's made me feel small and unimportant and Different and stupid and crazy and foolish #she's my MOM. she's my mom #and all i can think about with all this is my youngest brother. #he doesnt remember mom when she was healthy. the only mom he knows is exhausted and in pain and dying #and she won't even see him graduate high school and he'll never know what she was like before all of this #i almost wish the cancer would just take her so i could finally be able to grieve and let go #instead of this limbo ive been in for three fucking years of hope and Knowing what will happen and grief and anger #and ngl i feel like a horrible fucking person for that. lol #y'all dont need to read this i just gotta scream for a sec #winter speaks #personal #tw death #tw cancer

[476b]

.

#i feel so silly complaining about my dating scene #seeing as im in literally the biggest city in the us #and theoretically should have my pick of the litter #but i always feel to stupid and silly and awkward for the people here #im just some suburban idiot i cant cut it with the nyc queer scene #i feel like everyone here figured all this out when they were 15 and here i am at 25 just starting to figure out wtf is going on #'life isnt a competition and everyone grows at their own pace' sure sure sure yeah totally but i want to stop being too neurotic for hookups #im a grown ass adult i should be better than this #ive been saying thisbfor years but i need to go on married at first sight #i need someone who will just move in w me #i cant handle only seeing someone once every 2-4 weeks

[carryonmylovelies]

omg hey hotties 😭😭 im back !

#sooooooooooooo anyways not me dropping off the face of the earth for like the entire summer vwkqmqjdhsowjwjwjenkwhwk #just had to die for a little bit u know....disappear into the abyss and all that #pls look away from all the shit im abt to throw into these tags 😁 unless u want 2 read my cringe oversharing essay for the day 👍 #my summer was so silly 😍 ummmmm lets see i lost my fulltime job at the daycare bc the owner very rightfully decided to retire and close #so i was unemployed for the whole summer except for my occasional side jobs and also had to move bc of family shit #so im living w my grandma for the time being and its utterly amazing tbh my grandma and i have a really strong bond and relationship #and i really love getting to come home and see her every day. i decorated her house for halloween a week ago 🎃🎃🎃 #and she couldnt stop talking abt how nice everything looked and how glad she was to have me there and i just abt broke down 😭😭😭 #i did a complete fucking 180 jobwise im actually training to be a certified fire alarm inspector now LMFAO #i really really like it so far and have like a million stories already abt all the shit ive done/seen so far #im the only girl looking son of a bitch thats working and training in the field out of my entire region of the company so 🤪 #literally shoved my dykey nb ass in there and now im fucking it up with the boys heyoooooo #ummm me and one of my best friends started dating bc of a miscommunication (BC OFC WE DID I KNOW I KNOW ITS SO MF GAY) #and our 4 mo anniversary will be on halloween which i think is the swaggiest fag shit in the whole WORLLLDDDDDDDD 😫🎃🖤🧡 #my very beloved pet rabbit of over 8 years died quite unexpectedly in august and i was. doing pretty bad for awhile which sucked so so hard #he had multiple health issues and was over 10 yrs old so its hard to say what exactly happened. my gf and gma both pulled me thru that shit #and my besties gave me so much support and love idek what i would have done w/o them. i miss my baby so bad. #ive also had some health issues which sucks absolute BALLS #and recently figured out that the migraine/anti depressant meds ive been on for the last THREE MF YEARS have been fucking up my body lmao #but on the flipside going back 2 the positives i got to have some really incredible experiences/interactions in the past few months #and those were really huge in helping me get my shit together again #i got to take my girlboygirlfriend on little daytrips throughout the summer. i got a second tat🕷🕸❣️ (which my gf designed 😫) #i met girl queen pussy slay miss felicia day AND met the sexiest creature alive harvey guillen and he told me he liked my hair #which im still super duper normal over i can assure u 😁👍 definitely didnt alter my brain chemistry or anything #i saw gods greatest and most valuable gift to this planet on monday (mcr concert) #and had my entire mind body heart and soul so thouroughly fucked up that im still peeing my goddamn pants over it #and of course now its october :) my rotting flesh and sickened brain knows peace once more #bouta go eat up some drawtober posts right the fuck now so prepare yourselves 👁👁 also gonna be making a post on the coc blog soon as well #its already that time of year again mwhahahahahahahahahaha #so yeah 😋 my summer was goofy and silly as hell. i hope u all have been doing okay and im so happy 2 be back pls hmu if u wanna chat !!!

[possumpop]

enstars is such a wild media to be into bc theres so much info bc theres. 50 characters. and so many events. not to mention the lost translations. you'll never know every fact not even about your favs bc you WILL miss something and it WILL blindside you

#diving into this hyperfixation while sick with the flu was great but im like. mostly better now. and yet i dont think its gonna let go] #theres too much info!!! too much lore!!! #i havent even finished consuming the valkyrie content. i just found out more valkyrie lore today while reading a scout story #ive only been looking at their content for over a week bc i thought 'ill read all their stuff and then move on to another unit!' #THERES ONLY TWO OF THEM........ OUT OF 50......