#jaskier is a human version of fuck marry kill

[witchersjaskier]

Jaskier: When I meet people, there are 3 things I do. I either sleep with them, stab them or fall in love with them

Geralt: But you haven't stabbed or slept with me???

Jaskier:

Geralt: Wait

#marry #witcher #the witcher #jaskier #geralt #geralt x jaskier #geraskier #incorrect quotes #jaskier is a human version of fuck marry kill

[sociallyawkward--fics]

Things Done in the Shadows

I think this was one of the first Witcher oneshots I ever finished, almost directly after the show, and honestly it is weeks and WEEKS old because this was back when I was still too chicken to post any of my Witcher fics for fear of them being terrible lol. I went through and edited this one a bit (for once lol) and then decided it was good enough to post since I need to stop anxiously hoarding fics and actually post the things I finish lol. Hope y'all enjoy it!!

Word Count: 1438 words

[ao3 link]

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Jaskier knew this one was on him.

In his defense, he had been drunk and on another one of his “try and get over the idiot witcher you’re in love with” binges, but that didn’t really solve the situation as it was now.

Which just so happened to be sleeping with a person with a very powerful and very jealous spouse. They hadn’t even bothered to mention they were married beforehand! Not that that information tended to stop Jaskier anyway, but now he was in deep trouble.

Jaskier raced through the streets as quickly as he could, but he knew the “friends” of the spouse were gaining on him. He also wasn’t Geralt, and he could feel his stamina quickly waning. The men shouted behind him, waving weapons, and Jaskier tried to put on another burst of speed, but there was simply nothing left.

But speak -- or think -- of the devil, and he shall appear, because Jaskier saw Geralt turn the corner ahead of him, still bloodied and dirty from a job.

Geralt seemed to notice him a moment later, his expression shifting minutely to one of recognition. Then, immediately after, a less minute shift to an expression of exasperation. He watched Geralt’s lips form his name in that annoyed way of his, but it didn’t matter. Geralt showed up, Geralt was getting roped into it.

So Jaskier grabbed his arm as he ran past.

Jaskier knew Geralt was fully capable of resisting him. The man was built like a brick shithouse, Jaskier probably couldn’t forcibly move him even if he threw his entire weight into it. And frankly, he almost expected Geralt to stand his ground.

But Geralt allowed himself to be pulled along and jogged (jogged, the audacity, Jaskier was sprinting) alongside him.

“What did you do now,” Geratl growled.

“Oh, you know,” Jaskier said between gasps of breath. “A little of this, a little of that. The usual.”

Geralt growled, wordlessly this time, and grabbed him roughly by the arm. Jaskier yelped a protest, but Geralt ignored it, either not caring or not hearing (most likely the former, given his witcher senses). He practically carried Jaskier through the streets, racing through them and taking various twists and turns.

The sounds of the men behind them grew quieter, so Jaskier risked a glance back. They were further away, thanks to Geralt’s speed and twisting path, but they were also angrier. And angry was almost just as dangerous as too-close.

“Geralt!” He said.

Geralt grunted and took another sharp turn, nearly accidentally running Jaskier into a wall in the process.

Only now they were in a dark, spooky, dead-end alley with no escape.

“Shit,” Jaskier hissed.

The footsteps were growing nearer again, and not even Geralt seemed to know what to do, now. Seeing no other solution, Jaskier dragged them deeper into the alley, trying to hide in the shadows. He backed himself up against the furthest wall and pulled Geralt in front of his body, hoping his dark armor and cloak would hide Jaskier’s colorful fashion sense. He quickly pulled Geralt’s cloak over his head to hide his blinding hair.

“They’re going to see us,” Geralt grumbled, moving in closer and practically pinning Jaskier to the wall as he glanced over his shoulder. “It’s only dusk. Shadows only do so much.”

“Well, what do we do, then?” Jaskier hissed.

Geralt just gave him a look. Practically his version of a shrug, if Jaskier interpreted it right, and Jaskier prided himself in being rather fluent in Geralt, at this point.

The footsteps were too close, now, and Jaskier wasn’t keen on dying today. He was even less keen on risking Geralt having to injure or maim or kill humans because Jaskier fucked up.

So he followed his instincts and did the only thing he could think of doing.

Which, admittedly, was a rather stupid plan.

But Jaskier gripped Geralt by the hood of his cloak and dragged him in close. Geralt’s eyes widened just barely in surprise, but he had no time to protest or react before Jaskier was pulling him into a sloppy, bruising kiss that tasted like the blood that spattered Geralt’s body.

Oh, please forgive me for this, Jaskier prayed as their teeth clashed.

Jaskier squeezed his eyes shut and hoped beyond hope that the kiss looked real from the outside, like two lovers stealing a moment away from prying eyes. Really, he knew it was just an uncomfortable press of lips, and he was too chickenshit to make it anything else because he’d already caught feelings for the emotionally constipated idiot, he didn’t need to make them worse.

But apparently Geralt didn’t get the memo.

Still maintaining the kiss, Geralt gently took Jaskier’s hands in his own and pulled them off his hood so he could pull back slightly, softening the kiss. Jaskier made a soft, questioning noise, but relaxed against the wall and let Geralt lean into him, truly pinning him against the stone, now. 

Geralt dropped his hands once he relaxed, and they instinctively moved to touch him once more. One slid under his cloak to grip Geralt’s waist, cursing the armor blocking his touch and tugging the man into him. The other went up to thread into his hair, barely being aware enough to not knock the hood back off his head.

Jaskier angled his head a bit more, truly giving up, now. The barely-perceptible sigh that came from Geralt at the action, only detected because Jaskier felt the stream of air leave Geralt’s nose against his cheek, made something inside him melt. If his feelings got worse after this, then his feelings got worse after this. He wasn’t going to get a chance like this, a chance to kiss Geralt, again, so he might as well get the most out of it.

So Jaskier started putting his all into the kiss, all the tips and tricks he learned over the years with various lovers. He felt Geralt’s hands finally meet his body, one slithering around his back to arch him into Geralt, the other gripping his hip gently.

And the thing was… Jaskier didn’t expect Geralt to be so gentle in his… affections. The Geralt Jaskier knew yes, certainly had a soft side, but he was aggressive and crass and, frankly, rather rude. Geralt seemed like the kind of lover to come in with fire and heat, the kind of lover who would ravish his partner, to leave them bruised and breathless and gasping for more.

But Geralt was soft and gentle. His grip wasn’t bruising, like Jaskier expected, and neither were his kisses. He wasn’t gripping Jaskier’s clothes so tightly he worried they ripped, in fact, it was nearly feather-light, allowing Jaskier to pull away the moment he chose to.

But Jaskier certainly wasn’t going to choose to do so any time soon, if he could help it.

He opened his legs and tried to hook one of his ankles around Geralt’s to drag him closer. Geralt resisted for only a moment before he gave in and slid a thigh between Jaskier’s legs, leaning into him even more.

Jaskier groaned into Geralt’s mouth and decided fuck the hood, flipping it off to get both of his hands into Geralt’s hair, despite how flithy it was. Geralt hummed and pulled back. Jaskier made a disappointed noise at the loss of contact, but Geralt’s lips almost immediately attached to his neck and the noise melted into one of pleasure.

Geralt’s lips pecked and nibbled and sucked gently, and Jaskier sighed and tilted his head back to give Geralt more room. Geralt was just starting to pull his chemise lower to get to his chest when--

“Damn bard,” someone outside the alley hissed. “We lost him.”

“Forget it,” another voice replied. “He’s not worth our time.”

Geralt slowly pulled back and Jaskier mourned the loss of heat, frowning. Geralt looked at him thoughtfully and reached out with a thumb to brush something off his jaw. Flakes of the blood that was drying and crusting all over Geralt’s face and clothes.

“You could use a bath,” Jaskier said, mouth suddenly dry despite the fact that he’d just had Geralt’s very moist tongue in it moments ago.

“Hm,” Geralt said, looking Jaskier up and down. “We could use a bath.”

Jaskier’s breath caught in his throat.

He didn’t dare say another word, for once. He simply dragged Geralt off, trying to ignore how the witcher just radiated smugness, and marched straight toward the nearest inn.

Hopefully, he wouldn’t need anymore “try and get over the witcher you’re in love with” binges after today.

#the witcher #geraskier #geralt of rivia #Jaskier #geralt/jaskier #the witcher fanfic #geraskier fanfic #my writing #i forgot i had that tag now lol

[kattahj]

Thoughts on The Last Wish (the first Witcher book)

Fair warning: this is decidedly mixed and with plenty of show-book comparisons that aren't always in the book's favour (though sometimes they are).

I wasn't at all sure that I wanted to read the Witcher books. I may love the TV show, but the question "Would I like to read a version of this written by a dude in the 80s and 90s, with less focus on the female characters, and the kind of fanboys who throw a hissy fit when black people appear on screen?" was answered with "well, maybe". Especially when I started The Last Wish and got anonymous boobs (in the faaaaace) on page 1.

But I kept reading and I kind of enjoyed myself.

See, I'm a sucker for twisted fairy tales, and a large portion of this book consists of such twisted fairy tales. We get full chapters for Snow White, Beauty and the Beast, and Hans-My-Hedgehog, as well as nods to Cinderella, Rumpelstiltskin, Rapunzel, The Billy Goats Gruff, and probably more stuff that I've forgotten.

And yeah, it's action-heavy to the point of stupidity, and there's a lot of casual misogyny, but it's still fun. Even if it's fun I sometimes hate myself for having.

Take the Beauty and the Beast chapter as an example. On one hand, the Beast is cursed while he rapes a priestess, and his true love is a homicidal vampire who has to die (graphically, with a stake between her breasts) for him to turn back. On the other hand, there's a lot of fun anecdotes about how merchants send their daughters to the Beast's castle as a way for them to earn some money before they marry someone else, and it's also fun to read about what a loser Beast is. But I do think there's a reason this one was the only adventure not to make it into the TV show (yet).

And Renfri may be an uncomfortable mix of murderer, victim, and fuck buddy, but I can't help it, I still enjoy reading about a Snow White who curses every other sentence and shacks upp with robbers. (I'm really sad Marilka isn't in the book, though. I liked that cheerfully psychopathic little girl.)

It's interesting that the circumstances around their battle are different from the show. Stregobor has locked himself away, and through stuff people tell Geralt about Renfri's gang, he realizes that she means to capture people at the market and give Stregobor an ultimatum: come down to be killed, or she'll murder the civilians one by one until he does. So Geralt kills off her entire gang to protect the town, and then Renfri returns, saying that Stregobor just laughed at her and wouldn't come down. The two of them fight, and as she dies she tries to trick him into holding her so she can kill him. So, yeah, book Renfri is a piece of work and Geralt's moral dilemma is a little bit lighter on him.

In general, the tone is a lot more outright humourous than in the TV show. There are still serious moments, but they're fewer and further between. It's also a lot chattier. There is a LOT of dialogue - Geralt is more talkative, and so is everyone else. It works fine for written text, but so much of it is exposition or random jokes that I understand why they'd cut it for the screen.

The stories are more expanded upon than they are on screen, which of course in many cases lead to much needed and appreciated context. In others, I quite like the changes made for TV. The situation with the elves, for instance, originally depend on a rather Deus ex machina type of solution - I prefer the way the TV elves and Geralt talked things out. (Even though I thoroughly enjoyed the way the book has the Sylvan and Jaskier playing music together afterwards. That was cute.) But then, the scene in the show is more hopeful that there can be a way for the elves to survive and both species to coexist. In the book, it's more, "Yup, you're all going to die, and that sucks, but humans are racist fucks and there's nothing to be done about that."

The stories are still told non-chronologically, though the system of doing so is a bit easier than what the show does - there are standalone adventures and then a frame story inbetween of Geralt recuperating at the temple, with each adventure tying into some aspect of his stay there. I quite like these slower parts, they're much needed between all the monster fighting. But as I understand it, the first four adventures were originally published in magazines, and the frame story and final two adventures were added later. I do think it shows, as the mood is different, and the last two adventures also more tied into Geralt's background and relationships than the others.

It does get a bit weird that Geralt's relationship with Yennefer, and her desire to have a child, are detailed at length through dialogue with the priestess Nenneke before we even meet Yennefer in the final chapter, but I guess this is an effect of how the stories were published. This part of the book was published after Sword of Destiny, and I'm assuming we get more of Yennefer there, and that most of the readers would already have encountered her by the time we get this. Nevertheless, when read like this, it's clunky.

OTOH, there actually isn't an orgy going on when Geralt meets Yennefer, so I'm not sure why the show added that. In the book there are only erotic statues, and a very naked, very seductive Yennefer. I still got a bit of a "yikes" vibe from the scene, though, especially since it's the first introduction in person to her (after the exposition), while in the show we've already known her for several episodes at that point. And then we get a bit about how as a sorcerer she can be attractive but never truly beautiful, because sorcerers are ugly women who are made pretty by magic and thus she has "an ugly woman's evil and cold eyes". Double yikes.

Interestingly, where show Yennefer hates that Geralt has tied their destinies together, book Yennefer is totally charmed by it.

Jaskier is even dimmer than he is in the show and not half as endearing. His second wish to the djinn is another "yikes" moment. In the show he wishes for his lover to return to him "with open arms, a cheerful heart, and very little clothing", which is already a bit iffy, but in the book he wishes that a countess who rejects every man will let him fuck her, which is... oy. But that's par for the course for these stories, unfortunately. :-(

I do enjoy the gentle ribbing Jaskier and Geralt have going on. Their relationship feels a lot more mutual. I hope to see more of that in season 2.

I also hope to see Nenneke, who is a matronly priestess from the frame story who treats Geralt with a combination of contempt, tenderness, and medical care. 

I don't know what could be made of Iola, who is, as it later turns out, the owner of the anonymous pair of breasts on page 1. She's a younger priestess who has given a vow of silence, which means she gets to fuck Geralt and listen to his tales without ever interrupting by telling him anything about herself, or indeed having any sort of personality. I honestly don't know if that character could ever be made palatable, but I kind of half want to see them try.

And yeah, it IS pretty noticeable that the three female characters in the book who are most unambiguously good (Iola, Lille, Pavetta) have next to no dialogue.

The Swedish translation mostly works well. Sometimes there's dialect and/or archaic language, usually for humorous effect, not enough of it to be irritating. (And I'm guessing that's in the original as well.) Jaskier is called Riddarsporre (Larkspur) in translation, which I'm sort of fine with. It's certainly better than them ignoring diacriticals and thus calling the horse Plotka, which means rumour - the original name is Płotka, which as we all know means Roach. Different words! (Translated to Swedish, Płotka would be Mört, which isn't a GREAT name, admittedly.)

I can kind of see why these stories, testosterone-laden as they are, would have a bunch of annoying fanboys. At the same time I find their "but people CAN'T be black, it's SLAVIC FOLKLORE!" whining even more annoying now. Grimm Brothers aren't Slavic folklore, and without black people we wouldn't have my favourite Cinderella film (dude, the conniptions they'd have over the genetic mix in THAT royal family). Furthermore, Skellige in this version is ridiculously Irish. Like, so Irish I'm surprised it's not populated by leprechauns. Though they also have bagpipes, so maybe Gaelic is a better term. The Elvish language seems to be a mix of Romanic, Germanic and Gaelic languages. (Their name for themselves, Aen Seidhe, is of course related to the Irish aes sidhe, and the Sylvan is Roman.) And of course djinni and ifriti are Middle Eastern (though Aladdin is set in China in some versions). So it's pretty much "put all myths and fairytales in a pot and stir." And that’s fine, but you don’t get to be all “MINE! NO ONE CAN HAS!” about it.

To be fair, I can also see why people who AREN'T annoying assholes would be fans of these books. Especially if they can compartmentalize the sexism, alternatively lived in the 80s when even children's shows had lots of bikini babe extras. There's a lot of rather rowdy fun to be had, and some tenderness.

And yes, I have ordered the second book from the library. (Ebook sadly only available in Finnish. So if you live in Sweden and speak Finnish, you're in luck!)

#the witcher

[beeftony]

So if you’re going into The Witcher on Netflix without having read the books, be aware that the plots in each episode are linked thematically, not chronologically. As far as I can gather, the Fall of Cintra and everything involving Ciri takes place in the “present” timeline, while just about everything else, all the way up to the final episode, is a flashback. They don’t make this very obvious at first, and I’m not sure how a viewer who’s still learning everybody’s names and how this world works are going to catch all the hints in Yennefer’s origin scenes that they take place almost a century before anything else that happens.

Here’s a non-exhaustive list of changes that were made, most of which I think work better for the narrative:

The framing story of The Last Wish is gone, and we only get an offhand mention of the Sisters of Melitele. In the original collection of short stories, Geralt had to spend a few weeks recovering from the Striga attack seen in the third episode. The story where that happens was not only the first published Witcher story, but didn’t originally involve Triss. I do think it’s a much better way of introducing her character than how the books did it, which was an offhand mention by Yennefer folllowed by a gigantic infodump in Blood of Elves.

Foltest was extremely forthcoming in the original story, and the incest between him and his sister was more of an open secret. The idea to cure the Striga was something a fortuneteller had told him, and was the reason nobody had taken the contract in recent years. I do like the way they framed it here better, even if it robbed us of the “she’s the most striggish striga to ever striga!” line.

The Fall of Cintra was never explicity shown in the books, only recounted after the fact. Neither was the Battle at Sodden Hill. Geralt wasn’t present for either, and only heard of them through stories the locals told, and was, among other false information, under the impression that Triss Merigold died in the battle (she gets burned in the show, but in the books she was immolated from head to toe and didn’t even have skin until the mages fixed her up). Because we’re not stuck with only his perspective this time, we get to see both.

Geralt was, however, present for the scenes in the Forests of Brokilon, as the short story where that happens is the first time he meets Ciri. It actually takes place before the Fall of Cintra, and he just gives her to Mousesack at the end of it, leaving Ciri screaming “I’m your destiny!” after him.

Geralt originally met Stregobor before he met Renfri of Creydon (and already knew who he was, rather than having to be told), and he and the Ealdorman of Blaviken also had a pre-existing relationship. The story Geralt tells his horse about his “first monster” was originally part of one of the framing device chapters that consists entirely of Geralt monologuing his origin to a character who is mute and therefore can’t talk back to him. Having Roach fill that role instead makes sense.

Geralt and Jaskier (also called Dandelion in a few translations) didn’t have a scene where they first meet in the books, they’ve just known each other for years even by the time “The Edge of The World” takes place. That story originally involved a forest spirit who stopped the elves from killing them because nature had apparently chosen humans as the future.

Jaskier wasn’t present for Pavetta’s betrothal feast, and Geralt was invited there under the alias “Ravix of Fourhorn” by Queen Calanthe, who came up with the plan to use him to kill Duny before the event even happened. This is a much livelier version of that story, which mostly consists of an overly long conversation between Geralt and Calanthe that I’m glad they trimmed down.

They made a few changes to “The Last Wish,” in which Yennefer merely wanted to bind the Djinn to her will in the original, whereas here she wants to absorb it into herself. The scene where they fuck in the ruins of the mayor’s house, with Dandelion saying: “Oh, they’re alive. They’re very alive,” played out with that exact level of comedy in the original short story.

In “The Bounds of Reason,” the story where they hunt the dragon, there were quite a few things different:

Yennefer already knew about the wish, and wanted to use the dragon to undo it. I like the change made here, because unlike other stories involving infertile women, she isn’t portrayed as a monster or a helpless victim but as someone who wants to take back a choice that was stolen from her. It lines up perfectly with her characterization in the books too, where she also longed for motherhood.

The reason the green dragon was vulnerable in the original is because a peasant had filled a dead sheep with poison and tricked the dragon into eating it.

King Niedamir accompanied the expedition, and originally wanted to hunt the dragon because he was told he couldn’t marry the Princess of Malleore unless he’d slain one. At the end of everything he just decides to marry the princess anyway and torture anyone who disagrees.

In the cliff scene, Geralt and Yennefer were the ones dangling, and Yennefer said she was “admiring the view” while clinging to his waist.

Eyck of Denesle didn’t get his throat slit in the woods, but attacked Villentretenmerth (who actually appears in his true form much earlier, but the fact that he’s disguised in human form is still secret), and got his spine broken for his trouble.

Yennefer actually gets to fight and kill in this version, unlike in the original where the Reavers tie her up and tear her shirt open while attempting to rape her, and Dandelion won’t stop staring at her chest. This is unequivocally the better version

Geralt and Yennefer actually get back together in this story, rather than being driven apart, because again, she already knew about the wish.

This does mean that “A Shard of Ice” gets cut completely, but I think meeting Istredd as part of Yennefer’s backstory works better than a story in which he and Geralt attempt to duel each other over her, before she just breaks up with both of them.

#the witcher