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oliverreedmasterass · 7 months

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I'm SO excited to share this collab I did with the unbelievably hilarious @jmkho!!

Words: 4.7k

Synopsis: GVF make their way to a haunted house for shits and giggles. If you've read Alex (@jmkho) and I's stories before, I think you know where this is headed...

Warnings: language, mentions of paranormal and supernatural events, blood

👻🎃👻🎃👻🎃👻🎃👻🎃👻🎃👻🎃👻🎃

“Jesus,” Sam let out as they stood observing the house. It looked like any regular old mansion. Nothing screamed out ‘haunted house’ to him and he hated that.

“What?” Josh questioned his younger brother as he stood tapping an annoyed foot on the ground with his hands on his hips.

“Just…not very Halloweeny is it? I mean if you’re gonna make a haunted house and have people walk through it….put some effort in and throw some webs around. Lazy.”

“Well, I found this on Groupon and thought, hey, we haven’t done something like this for a long time. Might as well get haunted a little!” Josh wiggled his eyebrows at the rest of them. “It would have been cool to try to find a listing for a real haunted house or like a haunted cabin, or even ship. Hell, I’d even take a haunted shed at this point. But it sounds like a ball of laughs to explore around.” Josh paused and sighed. He studied the house and couldn’t help but agree with Sam over the lackluster outside. Not even a pumpkin or a fake skeleton in place. Careless.

“I’m too brave for haunted houses,” Sam confidently stated. “I’ve never been in one that’s scared me before, I just don’t think it’s possible. You obviously wasted your money on this, Josh. It’s not gonna be worth it.”

“Sam,” Danny tried to quiet him, since it was evident he was upsetting Josh.

“I mean, with haunted houses, you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all, right?” Sam looked around at everyone with his eyebrows raised. “Like you have rats, cobwebs, and moaning noises. How is that scary? That’s just what Jake’s room looks like.”

“Hey!” Jake protested.

“Haunted houses are a cash grab. If I really want to get spooked, I’ll just look up photos of Mick Fleetwood. That guy looks like he has a lot of secrets that he needs to keep to himself.”

Everyone stared blankly at Sam, unsure what to say in response to his monologue, and then shuffled to the front entrance to explore. The door creaked as they opened it, and that in itself was enough to get 5 stars from Josh and reconsider his initial disappointment. Nice that they committed to the experience and made the doors creaky. He was excited to add that detail to his review.

The place was huge. A gorgeous, mahogany staircase was the first thing that greeted them as they got through the door. Danny let out a whistle. “Wow.”

“Still no cobwebs,” was all Sam added, not hiding the fact that he wasn’t impressed or happy.

“Shall we look around? Get a feel of the place?” Josh asked, beaming a huge smile. He didn’t wait for anyone to agree; he just turned and skipped to the stairs.

Jake followed after him along with Sam, who let out a sigh, and then Danny, who was eyeing around the house.

“I call the master bedroom!” Sam suddenly called out, pushing his brothers and Danny out of the way so he could book it to the largest room.

“Sam!” Danny yelled after him. “We aren’t staying here. We’re only supposed to walk around.”

“Hey,” Sam paused in his tracks to face Danny. “If I paid to get inside this place, you best believe I’m gonna be crashing here. Especially if they have Sleep Number mattresses.”

“I was the one who paid for our tickets though,” Josh mumbled to himself.

“Enjoy sleeping in your twin beds with creaky bed frames, peasants,” Sam called over his shoulder as he fled down the hallway, out of sight.

“How does Sam not know what a haunted house is?” Danny asked Josh and Jake. Josh shrugged, and Jake wiped his hand down his face.

“He does know. The guy just won’t pass up on a good Sleep Number mattress.”

While they waited for Sam to return, Danny and Josh scoured around the area and Jake tried to play Candy Crush on his phone. He was nowhere close to beating his high score though because he kept getting distracted by cold chills that were rippling through the room.

“They’ve got a weird AC in this place,” Jake commented, not bothering to look up from his phone at the ghost that was chilling right in front of him, watching his Candy Crush game with wide eyes.

Sam returned from “his” bedroom and let his intrusive thoughts win, body checking Josh so he nearly toppled to the floor with a loud “MAMA!”

“Bump into me one more time, I dare-“ Josh let out but stopped when a door down the hall slammed shut.

Josh and Jake let out a scream that would put Ned Flanders to shame, but Sam rolled his eyes and cupped a hand to his mouth. “Gotta do better than that!!”

Jake started counting everyone.

No one was missing, so who shut the door?

Danny leaned towards the twins as they stared at the door. “Someone must have used magnets to do that. Easy to do, I bet. Nice little gag to make the door slam at random moments.”

Josh smiled softly to his friend and then grinned. “Nice little magnet magic!” Jake laughed and agreed but still eyed the door with concern.

“I’ll be back in a second,” Josh excused himself, jutting his thumb back towards the bathrooms they had passed near the main entrance. “Gotta do the ‘biz.’”

“Just say you’re gonna take a shit, Josh, we won’t judge you,” Jake told him.

“I will,” Sam countered, raising his hand. Josh looked between his brothers, shook his head, and hurried away. Jake watched his twin leave and then, without a word to Sam and Danny, turned on his heel and wandered away.

“Okay, bye, I guess?” Danny called after him. Jake didn’t acknowledge him and disappeared into a room. “You’re not gonna leave me too, are you?” Danny turned to Sam.

“You afraid?” Sam smirked at him. Danny folded his arms across his chest.

“Absolutely not,” Danny protested.

“Yeah, alright, buddy,” Sam chuckled.

Danny and Sam strolled down the hallway. “- but then it was the perfect way -” Danny stopped talking as they both came to a halt. The ghostly figure of a man glided across the hallway in front of them.

“Oh my fucking god!” Danny let out in a hushed tone, frozen in place. What magnets could do that? Gotta be an actor. Magnets can’t do that.

“I know right…” Sam replied in an equally hushed tone before letting out very loudly, “Look at them shoes! The size of those buckles? What is the point of them? Honestly? And that jacket colour with those pants? Did you get dressed in the dark?”

The ghostly man turned to look at them, seeming offended beyond anything. How dare they!

“Or did you just put on whatever fell out of your wardrobe?”

As Sam finished that, the man let out a loud snarl and began to rush at them. Danny was concerned that the actor would end up falling over at the speed he was moving. Sam let out a loud yawn.

Back in the bathroom, Josh finished his thirty minute hair routine to get his curls back into perfect, fluffy shape.

“There we go,” Josh murmured to himself as he raked his fingers through his poof. “Fucking gorgeous.” He paused and gaped at the mirror. Letters began to slowly scrawl across the mirror in what looked to be blood. Josh watched the letters spell “GET OUT” and then glared.

Jake, Sam, and Danny were hanging out in the kitchen, playing with the old fashioned toaster, when they heard muttered curses approaching along with small stomps of feet.

“YOU FUCKWITS,” Josh hollered.

The rest of the guys watched as he appeared in the room. “WHOEVER WROTE THAT ON THE MIRROR, GO FUCK YOURSELF. I’M SORRY BUT MAKING MY HAIR LOOK THIS GOOD TAKES TIME! DON’T TELL ME TO GET OUT…..YOU GET OUT!” His hands were balled up at his sides as his face turned red from the sheers rudeness of them not understanding how much work it took for him to make his hair look so fucking fabulous. They didn’t have the balls to understand.

Jake stared at his twin, completely confused. He knew for a fact not to fuck around with Josh as his hair time. Hell, he learned his lesson about that eons ago….

“What the hell are you going on about?” Sam asked out.

“One of you wrote ‘get out’ on the mirror as I was fixing my hair,” Josh tousled the front of his hair for emphasis as the rest of the guys stared at him.

Jake’s face paled, but Danny smiled at Josh and shook his head.

“They’ve really put a lot of thought into this haunted house. They must have been using magnets on the other side of the mirror for you to see the words written out.”

“It would have been a lot scarier if they wrote out Josh’s social security number,” Sam said as he crossed his arms and shook his head with disappointment. Josh thought over Danny’s explanation and let his tense shoulders relax.

“Whoever was using those magnets had really good penmanship,” he commented, smiling off into space. Then he snapped back to reality. “So, what have you all been up to?”

“For the thirty minutes you were gone?” Jake ridiculed Josh. “Well, I bumped into Clive and he was telling me about the house.” Jake smiled.

Danny looked at Josh whose eyebrows were furrowed.

“Clive? Who’s Clive?”

Jake lifted a hand and gestured to the house. “You know…Clive! Really nice guy, kinda looks sick and pale, but good bloke. He was talking to me about the house. He was in the living room just sort of…standing in the corner staring at me.”

Danny nodded and let out a loud, “ahhh” before adding. “Okay so there’s more than one paid actor. Nice.” He smiled broadly. He was beginning to really appreciate how committed the haunted house people were to trying to scare them.

Suddenly, Josh let out a grunt and flung through the air, tumbling down the flight of stairs.

“Oh my god!” Danny cried out in horror as he watched his small friend do a flip midair. Beside him, Jake and Sam laughed at their brother’s fall. Josh leapt back to his feet at the bottom of the stairs and brushed some dirt off his jumpsuit.

“Did you see that?!” He called up to them. “Something threw me down the stairs!”

Danny looked around and realized that everyone was staring at him, waiting for an explanation. Sam raised an eyebrow at him, as if saying, well?

“Magnets,” Danny finally answered, even though internally he was screaming with fear. “It’s gotta be magnets.”

“Of course,” Josh chuckled. He climbed back up the stairs with ease and rejoined his friends. “The people running this haunted house sure do have a sense of humor.”

Despite everything that was kicking off, Sam decided he had enough. He was tired. And a tired Sam wasn’t a happy Sam.

“Right, I’m gonna retire and hit the hay, count sheep, head for slumber, pass out, head to Bedfordshire, go to-“

“We get it, but it’s only 2 p.m,” Danny cut him off. He watched in confusion as his friend waved a hand in the air before trudging off to his ‘suite.’

Danny, Jake, and Josh all stood there for a moment lost at what to do. Do they try to sleep? It was still day time! And after the stuff that had just happened, Josh was antsy to fix his hair again.

“GUYS!”

Sam’s voice broke their silence. They quickly ran over to where they heard him. He was standing stiff outside a bedroom, staring inside.

“Do you see it?” Sam asked them.

“What? Is the feng shui not to your liking?” Jake’s taunting voice went quiet as he joined his younger brother and looked into the room. The bed was spinning around on the spot while numerous items floated in the air.

Sam stomped into the room. Laughter was heard coming from somewhere as everything flew around. He walked to the bed, yanked up a clown doll and returned back to the guys in the doorway. “This! You see this? Tacky! He’s been laughing the entire time and he won’t shut the fuck up! He doesn’t even run on batteries or a pully thing.” He moved the doll to Danny and shook it. “Magnet boy, explain this and get him to shut up.”

Danny’s mouth opened and closed a few times at the sight in front of him. But all he could let out was, “those are some powerful magnets.”

Jake spun around in a full circle looking for his twin, and then stopped when he spotted Josh.

“Oh,” Jake breathed out as he watched Josh ride around the room on a floating lamp like a bull, waving his fist in the air and hooting with glee.

“YEEHAWWWW!” Josh called out before breaking into a ridiculously out of tune rendition of “Home on the Range.” Jake gazed at him in awe as Josh did barrel rolls in the air on his lamp.

Sam, entirely ignoring his brother’s spectacle, impatiently nudged Danny in the side. Danny grunted in return.

“You need to get rid of the clown doll,” Sam told him, nodding his head in its direction. “I don’t like the way it’s looking at me.”

“That’s literally not my problem, Sam,” Danny replied, eyeing the doll. He didn’t want to go anywhere near the thing.

Sam huffed in frustration. “Fine then,” he grumbled. He made a big show of removing his tennis shoes and, one by one, chucked them at the doll, striking it square in the face both times.

“That’s what I’m talkin’ about!” Sam screeched at the doll.

Unbeknownst to Samuel F. Kiszka, in that moment, the clown doll stared deep into the depths of his soul and vowed that, no matter what it took, it was going to make the hairy mean guy regret ever being born.

It took a while to get Josh down from the lamp, but when they did, Danny managed to get all of them to agree that they weren’t going to go into the master bedroom anymore. Sam was the most disappointed, but he eventually agreed that he wouldn’t really be able to appreciate the Sleep Mattress if it was doing 360s midair.

After that excitement, Jake decided to get away from the spooky room and head downstairs. He was exhausted, confused, and a little tired. He spotted a TV and perked up a little.

He let out a joyful cry as Pirates of the Caribbean lit up the room. Glorious. It’s like the house knew he loved that movie. Thank you, house!

Suddenly the screen switched to static. Jake pulled a face and grabbed the remote, turning it back to the movie. He snuggled into the sofa more as it played before the screen went static again.

“Ughhhhh” he groaned, changing it back, only for the TV to switch to a static channel again. This went on for more than Jake would ever admit, and then the TV flicked to an image that no longer looked like Pirates of the Caribbean. Instead, it was a very blue toned shot of a well. What was this, Twilight??

As he grabbed the remote and pressed a number of buttons to try and change the channel, a hand emerged from the well. A girl with long black hair began to climb out and walk towards the screen on the TV.

“I’m gonna miss Captain Jack,” Jake grumbled to himself as he looked at the remote in his hand and continued to smash random buttons.

Water began to pour out of the TV as the girl got closer, and she lifted a foot through the TV screen, out into the living room in front of Jake.

“What kind of 4D TV is this?!” He asked out loud as he watched. Water was starting to pool around the carpet, flooding the room.

“Hey!” He yelled out. “You’re getting the carpet all wet! Stop that!”

Jake’s screams at the girl who had emerged fully out of the TV, just stood there dripping wet, grabbed everyone else’s attention and they ran into the room.

“She made me miss Pirates of the Caribbean and now she’s got the carpet all soggy!”

Danny was staring at the girl in terror, but rolled his eyes when he heard the guitarist whine. “Please Jake, you know that movie by heart, get over yourself. Also…” He lifted a hand to the girl and then to the TV and simply let out,

“Magnets.”

“Girl!” Sam entered the room and called to the child, aggressively motioning at her. “What do you put in your hair? Bacon grease? You look NASTY!”

Although the girl’s face was hidden beneath her thick curtain of long, dark hair, it could only be assumed that she was frowning at Sam. Sam shook his head at her and tsked.

“You need to use a hair mask. And comb your hair in the shower the second you turn the water off. With the length you’re going for right now, I can only imagine how many split ends you have. Also, how did you get so wet? Did you just run or something? That’s disgusting.”

The girl made a sad whimpering sound, put her head down further than it already was, and slinked away.

“That was kinda mean,” Danny scolded Sam.

“She deserved to know the truth,” Sam disagreed. Danny didn’t like how proud of himself Sam looked.

Suddenly, loud chimes rang through the mansion, making them all jump.

“That must be the front door,” Josh realized. “I’ll get it!”

Before Danny could counter that he shouldn’t go alone, Josh had already bounced out of the room.

“Did the magnets cause the doorbell to ring?” Jake asked.

Josh came back into the room, his arms piled high with pizza boxes. He dropped them onto the coffee table with a grunt and then put his hands on his hips, taking in the mountain of food with delight.

“The pizza guy didn’t even charge me,” Josh announced. “That’s gotta be at least $100 worth of pizza.”

“Free pizza is the best kind of pizza,” Danny had to admit. Within seconds, they were all devouring the food, cramming their faces like ravenous wolves. Sam had taken the veggie supreme pizza and was huddled in the corner of the room, his eyes dilated, looking around as if daring anyone to come close to him while he fed.

Jake wiped his mouth with one of the throw pillows on the couch and then frowned.

“Wait,” he said, “who ordered this?”

They looked around at each other, shrugging.

With his mouth full and still chewing, Danny let out in weak defeat, “Magnets.” The Kiszkas all grunted in acknowledgment. While they continued to eat, entirely unbothered, Danny strainied to remember all the Latin phrases he knew on the off chance that he needed to perform an exorcism. Things were starting to feel a little bit too paranormal for him.

Jake let out an exhausted sigh. “I’m not hungry anymore.”

His twin eyed him confused. “Dude, it’s dinnertime, you need to eat.”

Jake shook his head. “Nah, I’m good. I tucked into that weird greenish blob thing on the kitchen floor.”

Danny’s head snapped to Jake. “What?” Before Jake could repeat what he said, the drummer took off for the kitchen. His eyebrows nearly reached his hairline when he spotted small remnants of a green blob on the floor with a straw strewn next to it. What the loving fuck did Jake eat? Slimer from Ghostbusters? Danny wasn’t sure and didn’t want to wait long to find out.

Jake nearly jumped out of his skin when the drummer came back. “What did you put in your mouth?” Was all he asked.

Jake moved back away from his friend with a yelp. As Danny went to pry his mouth open to check, Jake bolted with his friend chasing after him.

Sam grinned at Jake and Danny’s show and then turned to say something to Josh, but stopped in his tracks. Standing in the doorway of the living room was the clown doll, armed with a knife, Chucky, Annabelle, and a collection of other definitely haunted toys staring him down. Instead of greeting them with fear, Sam let out a deep and booming laugh.

“Bring it on, shitheads,” he encouraged them, waving his hand. Chucky was the first to take the bait and sprinted towards Sam with a menacing cackle. Chucky jumped to try and grab a hold of Sam’s leg, but Sam met him with his bare foot and promptly punted him out the window and into the sun. The other toys watched their comrade meet his end and roared with rage.

“Liberté, Egalité, Fraternité!” the clown shouted, rushing at Sam with the knife. Josh watched in a mixture of awe and horror as his younger brother went to town, kicking his feet around like a Radio City Rockette, sending all of the bloodthirsty toys soaring out of the atmosphere.

“These feet were made for kickin’!” Sam sang and clapped his hands after sending Annabelle so far off into the distance, it seemed likely she would make it to the edge of the universe.

Danny was back from chasing Jake and stood utterly bewildered as he watched the chaos around him unfold. “Um…guys….I…I think this place might actually be haunted.”

Josh and Jake look at him, at each other, then back at him before bursting out in laughter.

“Oh Danny boy, don’t worry, it’s just magnets like you said!” Josh beamed to him before disappearing out of the room.

Danny watched him leave and then looked at Sam laughing maniacally.

Josh made his way into the sitting room and retrieved a plastic green visor from his back pocket, securing it over his head.

“Hey guys,” he greeted the room full of ghosts who were crowded around a card table. “Can I join this round?”

One of the ghosts nodded towards the single chair that was by the table. Josh plopped himself back into it, not noticing that all the other people were hovering above the ground and definitely translucent. A ghost that looked like she was from the Industrial Revolution slapped a hand of cards in front of Josh.

“Good luck,” she said in a Cockney accent.

“I don’t need luck,” Josh shook his head at her. He studied his cards, which were entirely out in the open for everyone to see, and then let out a delighted laugh. “Oh, you’re all going down.”

The ghosts frowned at his hand, which was a 2 and a 7. The game picked back up and, after watching the ghosts throw chips into the middle of the table, Josh studied the cards on the table and started to whoop.

“Go fish!” he shouted and did a little dance. He was met with blank stares. “Sorry if I’m a bit too excited,” Josh added. “I just like to live in the now, you know, really take in the present because, I mean, you never know, you could keel over dead any second! I just love to live life. It’s so wonderful to be alive.”

Danny had joined Josh in the sitting room and gaped at him.

“Josh,” he hissed, trying to get his attention. Eventually, Josh looked back at Danny.

“Hm?”

“Quit being a dickhead.”

“Huh?”

“You’re saying, like, the worst things you could possibly say right now.”

“What?”

Danny looked around, his heart thundering in his chest. “I think they’re all actually dead,” Danny whispered. Josh looked like he didn’t follow a single word that had come out of Danny’s mouth. “You know what?” Danny sighed. “Just forget it.”

Josh shrugged, unbothered, and returned back to his card game. He noticed that all of the ghosts were still staring at him and puffed out his chest with pride.

“Take your time to process my words of wisdom. I know it’s some deep shit.”

One of the ghosts gave Josh a big thumbs down.

Jake made his way back to the living room to see if the TV had fixed itself and the girl had bothered to clean up the damn mess she had made. To his dismay, the TV was in fact NOT fixed as it was still stuck on the image of the well, but the girl had climbed back inside the screen and was sitting on the edge crying.

Jake jumped when he saw Bruce Willis still standing in the corner. He was confused why the star was there but nonetheless excited.

Jake let out a breath of courage and moved towards him as he cleared his throat to get the man’s attention. It was weird seeing a Hollywood star in a random living room, but especially weird to see Bruce Willis with brown hair.

“Hey, hello. Hi. Mr. Willis? I…I’m sorry to bother you but I just wanted to say that I loved your work in Die Hard, it’s my favourite Christmas movie. I quote it all the time at the wrong moments.” He beamed at the actor.

Bruce Willis stared blankly at him. “I’m sorry you must have confused me with someone else. I’m Dr. Malcom Crow….I’m…not sure why I’m here. I’m a therapist ... I remember a shot…”

Jake realized he was actually speaking to Bruce Willis’ character from the Sixth Sense and paled. “Ah….um….okay gotta go…bye.” There was no way he was breaking the bad news to the guy.

After getting a Gatorade from the fridge to power up following his battle against the “haunted” toys, Sam found Jake, Josh, and Danny and took in a deep inhale. Danny’s face fell when he saw that Sam’s mouth was open and ready to talk.

“This haunted house is beyond weak,” Sam complained. “There aren’t any fake cobwebs, rubber snakes, or strobe lights. It’s literally just a normal house with a bunch of magnets! I’ve never been so disappointed in my life.”

“You would moan about how cheap this haunted house is if it did have those things,” Danny countered. Sam frowned at his comment.

“What matters is this house had the potential to be truly spooky, but everything just felt weird. I mean, nothing has scared me one bit.”

“No!” someone yelled off in the distance.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. Josh rushed over and nearly yanked the door off its hinges.

There, stood 2 men in coats with glasses and clipboards.

“Fellas, you completed the study.” the first man boomed.

The rest of the guys joined Josh at the door. “Study? What study?” Danny asked the men. One was jotting down notes as he looked at each person and the other man spoke to them.

“You applied to take part in our haunting simulation study….you….you weren't aware?” The man was perplexed and then pointed to the other man’s clipboard and said, “Jot that down.”

They stared at Josh. “I thought it was a fancy groupon,” he let out.

“Interesting….thank you for your participation, but….what the fuck is wrong with you guys?”

All the members of Greta Van Fleet stared blankly at each other. Then, their faces cracked into goofy grins.

“Awwww shucks!” they all called out to each other, slapping their knees. Audience laughter played overhead.

Those Greta boys did it again!

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