#josh said more time to talk about naomi? bet

[graftisms]

BEACH HUT CONFESSIONALS 11: JOSHUA VARGAS DAY THIRTY-ONE ( CASA DAY 4 )

what are you most looking forward to about reuniting with the other villa ?   what are you dreading the most ?

“ oh man, i’m kinda going crazy right now, ”   josh laughs.   “ i was excited when i first heard the text, because obviously i’ve been talking about finally getting to talk things out with naomi for days now. but... it’s not going to be easy, either. for all i know she could be coming back with someone. hell, she probably is coming back with someone, knowing her. so that won’t be easy, but i’m also looking forward to it too ?   i don’t know. i’m definitely excited to see romi again though, i’ve missed her like mad. rhys too, i hope he’s got a nice guy or girl or whatever coming back with him. the guy deserves it. i’m... not looking forward to seeing jenny again, honestly. ”   josh rubs the back of his neck.   “ it’s been easy to ignore the way things left off with us while she’s been gone, but i actually don’t know where her head’s at. i’m assuming she’s bringing someone back too, but that doesn’t mean things between us are finished. i mean, for me they are. they have to be. yeah. ”

if you were to stick, why would you ?   why would you consider switching ?

“ i don’t know, y’know. i think everyone at this point in casa knows that i want to be with naomi, but there’s no ignoring that she’s probably bringing some dude back. plus after sleeping with mali on night one, i doubt she’s going to be able to suddenly trust me again. and then there’s the whole dylan thing, so... it would be smart to bring someone back, just in case. i’m trying to figure out if i should be game playing here—because everything’s a game with naomi—or just shoot my shot, even if it means getting dumped. ” 

if none of the bombshells could come back, who would you miss most ?

“ layla, for sure. i think if i were to bring anyone back right now, it’s gonna be her. though, to be honest, i do think phoebe deserves a shot too. i don’t know what happened between her and dylan yesterday, but she seems really upset, and she’s a sweet girl. even if she did friendzone me. and then miles, obviously, ”   josh laughs.   “ if frankie doesn’t bring him back, i just might do it myself. he’s a really good dude, reminds me of my friends back home. i haven’t had a friend like that here since luke, so it’s been nice. a highlight of casa. ”   he pauses.   “ i’ll probably miss mali too, even though i know how that sounds. i don’t know, maybe i should be bringing her back out of anyone. ”

what conversations do you need to have most when you reunite ?

“ besides the obvious ? ”   he laughs.   “ no, i’ll probably wait to see if dylan and naomi are gonna hash their shit out immediately, otherwise pull naomi first. i think the longer we go without talking, i’ll start breaking out into hives. jenny will have to come eventually too, but... that one can wait a bit longer. ”

what are you feeling about the decisions of the other islanders ?   who do you think has made the best connection ?

“ the best connection is frankie and miles, for sure. i really should’ve voted them for the hideaway. dylan feels like a waste of a vote now. but there’s no way she’s not bringing him back. i guess i should say val and marcus too, since they’ve been all over each other this entire time, but i don’t know. i’m biased, but i think if marcus brings val back, it’s just delaying the inevitable about him and romi getting back together. i still don’t love the way their relationship ended, on both of them, but there’s no way they’re ending this thing with other people. i think he should come back single for romi. ”   josh shrugs.   “ dylan, well. who knows what he’s thinking. i’m assuming he’s bringing back adela at this point, since he’s moved from phoebe to her in twenty-four hours. they seem into each other, so hey, good for them. it’ll be good to keep adela around, although i don’t love the idea of her and naomi talking about me. i just hope he doesn’t come back single. like, he’d be an idiot for that, and it might make me have to rethink what the hell i’m doing. it’d be naive to think what dylan does won’t affect me. but who knows—if he doesn’t bring back adela, maybe i’ll have to do it myself. ”

#crackon:prompt #joshua ; prompt #josh said more time to talk about naomi? bet

[cruelsxmmcr]

♡ beach hut prompt 09: dylan michaels

what are you most looking forward to about reuniting with the other villa? what are you dreading the most?

“I can’t wait to see Callie and Romi and give them the biggest hug in the world. I miss them heaps. Honestly, I miss Naomi, too. That makes me a fucking idiot, doesn’t it? I’m dreading having to talk to her. I’ve been in a limbo stage for days because I’ve been unable to air it out with her, all the while trying to ignore it to focus on the present. Now that the time has come... yeah, I’m dreading it. It’s driving me a little insane actually. Who even knows what’ll happen anymore?”

if you were to stick, why would you? why would you consider switching?

“If I were to stick it’d be because my feelings for Naomi are still very much there and I can’t ignore them. This whole situation has so many ifs and questions that I don’t have the answers to till I talk to her, too and I’d wanna give us a chance to talk things through and figure it out properly. But at the same time, I’d consider switching because of these ifs and questions. I can’t ignore that Josh is there, too, like an annoying fly that just won’t stop buzzing, and that Naomi clearly still has feels for him and is probably taking me for granted after everything. She might even come back with someone. We all know she’s the center of attention wherever she goes. I don’t know, mate... it really can go either way.”

is there a bombshell that’s at the top of you ‘list’? who would you bring back?

“I mean, I don’t have a list anymore. It’s what yesterday was all about for me, wanting to figure out where my head was at with the girls I have been getting to know. I didn’t want to keep prolonging this, but at the same time, I wanted to give myself and them a fair shot at seeing if we can go anywhere. Having said that, if I were to bring anyone back, it’d be Adela. She’s really fun, cute and easy going, our conversations flow so well. I wish I had a little more time with her, honestly.”

if none of the bombshells could come back, who would you miss most?

“Uh, I’d miss them all honestly. They’re a great group of people. We got lucky. Adela, Mali, and Phoebe are great. I know yesterday I had to have a difficult conversation with Phoebe, particularly, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m glad to have met her and gotten to know her... even though things didn’t go the way she might’ve hoped. I gave us both a fair shot and I had to go with my heart, you know? I wasn’t dishonest about anything from the get go.” A pause. “I’d miss Miles, too, he’s a really good bloke. I’m glad to have met him, even if he’s grafting my sister’s partner.” Tone is playful here.

what conversations do you need to have most when you reunite?

“Come on, mate, you already know. Obviously, the impending conversation with Naomi is at the top of my list. The sooner we talk, the better, of course to see where we’re going with this and air it all out. I’ve been waiting too long already. I’ve managed to distract myself for a good while here, but when I’m in my own head about this, it gets a little too much.”

what are you feeling about the decisions of the other islanders? who do you think has made the best connection?

“It’s been a crazy few days, huh?” He chuckles, but it’s not totally humorous. “I hate to say it, but Frankie and Miles seem to have developed something there. I’m betting everything she’s bringing him back. I feel so awful for Callie because I know how into Frankie she was... I just hope she cracked on during that time and met someone, too.” A pause. “Marcus and Val seem to have something good going since the first day at casa amor, but I don’t know if he’s battling his own thoughts when it comes to Romi, like I am with Naomi. It’s tricky. Josh fucking Mali on day one hours after he told me with his whole chest he wants to be good for Naomi is honestly the joke of the season. This is the guy Naomi still has feels for and wants to give another chance?” He rolls his eyes, scoffing. “Let’s see how he’ll get away with it this time.” Probably by downplaying, lying, and gaslighting, but Dylan doesn’t want to say it out loud.

#｟ 𝐃𝐘𝐋𝐀𝐍 𝐌𝐈𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐄𝐋𝐒 ｠ ⸻ task. #crackon:prompt #thanks kel for another graphic x

[i-am-a-bad-influence-writes]

She is forever - Part 4

Series Masterlist - Stucky Masterlist - Full Masterlist

Pairing: Steve Rogers x OC, Bucky Barnes x OC (Ophelia Wright)

Summary: When Steve and Bucky went to the army there was a girl they went to school with who wasn’t allowed to go. She was left alone and never thought about again, until Steve sees a carbon copy of her on the streets outside Stark tower and she seems to know them just a little too well to be a stranger.

Word count: 1876

Author’s note: Normally, I update this story on Fridays but because something was off with my concepts in tumblr I posed three chapters at once in fear of losing them. The next chapter is in my concepts and ready to be posted this Friday, but I’m not quite sure if I’ll have anything for the week after.

“Dear Tony,

Thank you so much for supporting me and being a friend. I’m sorry things have to end like this, but my time has come to move on. I’m sure you’ve figured me out by now so all I ask for is for you to keep my secret so that I may live my life without constant torture. These paintings are a token of my gratitude. They’re yours to keep or sell or whatever you want to do with them.

Love,

Ophelia.“

Weeks pass like normal, because why would you look for a person who doesn’t want to be found? However, Peter has found a certain fascination in seeing Ophelia appear in different historical pictures. Just the sight of seeing someone you know stand in the place of a historical event fascinates him. He even found her picture in one of his history books. Steve tried calling the number from the businesscard Ophelia gave him a few times to see if she might not have cut off all contact, but to no succes. He caught himself feeling down and thinking of what might have been if they hadn’t been so hostile. Bucky tried to look unbothered, but everyone saw that it effected him gravely. The first week he didn’t show his face at all. He didn’t eat, his nightmares came back, and he punched multiple punching bags to shreds. It was clear he was angry at himself for scaring her away, but he wouldn’t say it. He didn’t want to admit it. And Ophelia?

With the winter still on full force, Ophelia decided it was too dangerous to move fully. She took shelter at Mary and Josh’s house and they let her. Being the mess that she was reduced to, there was really very little they could do to cheer her up. They tried to keep her eating and drinking, but to no avail.  At one point they thought she might die from the sheer amount of time she had gone without food or water, but she pushed through. Throughout the days, she came out of her shelter more and more and ended up taking care of the house to keep her mind off the friendship she had given up. It never concerned Mary and Josh too much as they knew this was just the process of grief. They all went through it enough times to know that they have to give it time, which is what they gave Ophelia. Time. And when the weather got softer, they helped her move all her art and the things in her apartment to her cottage outside the city. Usually, she would move farther away but she just couldn’t. And the weeks just keep passing by.

With summer just around the corner, Steve had taken up daily walks. The others would make jokes that it fit his age, but to him it was an excuse to walk past the gallery across the street and look at the artwork. Today is different though. There is a truck in front of the gallery and Naomi is standing outside with tears in her eyes. Being the person he is, Steve gets worried. He makes his way over to her. ‘Naomi, hey, what’s going on,‘ he asks putting a comforting hand on her shoulder. ‘I got a letter from Ophelia saying that she’s closing the gallery,‘ she tells him with teary eyes, ‘something about wanting to explore the world and being tied down.‘ ‘I’m sorry about that. I hope she did leave you with proper benefits.‘ Naomi smiles through her tears and nods. ‘She paid me for the remainder of my contract,‘ Naomi tells him, ‘but that doesn’t surprise me. She was always really charitable.‘ A small smile thugs on his lips. ‘Oh, and she left a note for you.‘ Surprised, he grabs the note from Naomi and reads it.

“Dear Steve,

I’m sorry I have to put a damper on the main event of your daily walks. Just know that I might not be across the street anymore, but I’ll always be close by. Say hello to Bucky from me.

-Ophelia.“

September 23th, 2020. Ophelia’s 400th birthday. The common room at the Stark Tower is like a pity party. Bucky and Steve sit on the couch reminiscing over stories from their past with a bottle of whiskey to share between the two of them with a third glass filled to the brim on the table. No one touches it.  Though neither of them can get drunk, they can pretend. And a day like this one is a day they are willing to pretend. ‘What are you two day-drinking for,‘ Tony asks as he walks into the common room. He sees how miserable the two of them are and notices the third glass on the table. ‘Oh, it’s the 23th, isn’t it?‘ ‘Right on,‘ Bucky says, raising his glass to Stark. ‘How old is she now?‘ ‘Exactly 400 years old,‘ Steve chuckles, ‘can you imagine being that old?‘ ‘How old,‘ a thundering voice asks. The three look over at Thor who just walked in with Loki in toe. ‘400 years old,‘ Tony repeats. ‘We’re over a thousand years old,‘ Thor bellows proudly. ‘Yes, but we’re not talking about a God,‘ Bucky informs them. A disturbing grin appears on Loki’s face. ‘You’re talking about immortal humans? Oh, they’re fun, aren’t they,‘ he says as he elbows his brother. ‘They are quite amusing,‘ Thor hums, ‘they make such a big deal out of it.‘ ‘Humans have an average lifespan of up to a hundred years so of course-‘ Tony stops in his tracks, ‘wait, you just said humans. As in plural. There is more than one immortal human?‘ ‘Yeah, there a few dozen,‘ Loki says, ‘most of them asked for death from the wrong God and were granted immortality instead.‘ ‘You’re talking about yourself, aren’t you,‘ Tony asks annoyed. ‘Of course I am.‘ ‘Okay, so do you know Ophelia Wright?‘ Loki looks at Thor with excitement. ‘Ophelia,‘ Thor laughs, ‘the prettiest maiden the Gods had ever seen. That one was not just Loki. All of us wanted to keep her around.‘ ‘She turned out to have a real nasty bite,‘ Loki tells them, ‘when she was granted immortality she cursed us all for ruining her. She stopped worshiping us. It’s sad that immortality is irreversible.‘ ‘Aren’t we supposed to visit her somewhere this year,‘ Thor asks Loki, ‘I think it has been 400 years.‘ ‘Didn’t you bet she’d come back to us after 400 years,‘ Loki laughs. Thor crosses his arms. ‘That was a valid bet back in the day.‘ ‘True, she did look like she was going insane,‘ Loki smiles, ‘yes, we should visit her. See how she’s doing. Is no one drinking that?‘ ‘If you touch it, I will chop your hand off,‘ Bucky promises Loki, looking as deadly as he did back in the day. ‘Can we come with you?‘

Ophelia sits outside on a garden bench with a blanket around her. She stares out over the grasland with withering wildflowers covering it. On the table in front of her are two full glasses and a third is in her hand. The bottle of whiskey could barely be called a bottle of whiskey anymore. It’s almost empty. Though it is almost empty, Ophelia feels nowhere near druk. She has been sipping the liquid throughout the day and had her normal meals. Right now, she’s working on a piece of cake. The remainder of the cake stands on the table. There is only one piece missing, but she knows it will probably be nearly done when she finally starts puking her insides out. These past years she had resorted to making her birthdays her personal hell. She hasn’t celebrated it with friends in centuries in fear of letting her real age slip once she drinks enough alcohol. But today is special. It has been another hundred years, so somewhere this week the Gods will stand on her porch and beg her to worship them again as that is what they gained her immortality for. When she hears thunder, she doesn’t go inside. She knows that it’s merely an announcement. The God of thunder is on his way to beg her, a mere human, to worship him. What an embarrassing sight for a God. Lightning strikes next to the huge tree in the field and Ophelia starts to see the shadow of multiple men. What a treat. More than one God on her doorstep this year. She doesn’t wait for them to approach. ‘FUCK OFF! I DON’T WORSHIP YOU AND I NEVER WILL YOU ENTITLED DICKHEADS!‘ She screams her lungs out over the grasslands, hoping they’ll take the hint and leave. But they don’t. So she admits defeat and sits back down, curling up in her blanket. She refuses to look at them. ‘Ophelia, how are you doing this year.‘ Thor asks her. She says nothing and closes her eyes. ‘You’re acting like a child,‘ Loki sighs, ‘can’t you even say hello?‘ ‘Why would I? You have made my life hell and I will never forgive you for that,‘ she tells them, ‘so take a piece of cake for the road and leave me alone. I will never worship you.‘ She hears a deep sigh. ‘Well, it was good to see you Ophelia. You’re still as beautiful as ever,‘ Thor tells her. ‘Wait, that’s it,‘ she hears another voice asks. One that is too familiar. Her eyes shoot open and she looks to her side. There are Loki and Thor, but with them are Steve and Bucky. ‘What the hell are you two doing here? I thought I made it quite clear I didn’t want to be found,‘ she snaps. ‘We weren’t ready to let go,‘ Steve admits, ‘and then we heard these two talk about visiting you.‘ ‘I asked for one thing,‘ she says as she feels tears build up in her eyes, ‘and you couldn’t even give me that one thing?‘ ‘You know it’s not that simple,‘ Bucky argues, ‘we thought you were dead.‘ ‘And I’ve thought you two were dead for a hundred years,‘ she yells at him, jumping up from her seat. ‘Then why did you leave,‘ Bucky yells back. ‘Because I didn’t want to go through that feeling again,‘ she screams, tears rolling down her face, ‘do you know how hard it was to have to bury two empty caskets because both of your friends died in some plane crash? It hurts! I don’t want to do that again!‘ Bucky and Steve look at her. At what she’s reduced to. An empty shell of pain and suffering. Bucky takes her in his arms to comfort her. She tries to fight it, but she doesn’t want to. Eventually, her arms wrap around his body as her sobbing becomes muted against his chest. He feels something wet slip onto his cheek. Is he crying too? He looks over at Steve. Steve is crying as well. Thor and Loki seem completely forgotten and the two decide its time to make their leave. Steve and Bucky stay behind. It takes a long time before all of them are done crying.  They sit down on the garden bench together, eat the cake and drink the whiskey. And Steve tells Ophelia they do the same thing on her birthday. They put a glass down for those who aren’t there. Ophelia admits she does it on their birthdays too. And so one subject flows into another as the sun slowly comes to setting. ‘I missed you two,‘ Ophelia tells them, ‘it was torture to think you were dead.‘ ‘We missed you too.‘

#steve rogers #steve rogers fanfic #marvel fanfic #marvel fanfiction #marvel #captain america #captain america fanfic #bucky fanfic #bucky fic #bucky #bucky barnes #bucky barnes fic #bucky barnes fanfic

[thepausedsforzando]

III. The Paused Sforzando

Part I. The End To The Remaining Effort

*******Introduction*******

   It’s been 5 years. 5 years and a month just about. This post looks weird in public because it’s first one. It’s also marked as III. On October 8th, 2019 I nuked my entire Tumblr. Actually, I nuked all 3: hunkee, digitalclothingofhunkee and thepsychologyofdarthvader. That was a heavy day. This series has been shotty and inconsistent, in that gaps have become bigger and the details have lessened. This could likely be due to the feedback and problems I’ve had with people in my posts when I would talk about personal things that were not only private for me but for them. Primarily, these inconsistencies and gaps are because I’ve slowly descended into more of a void of a human being than I ever thought I could be when my life was right. January 6th, 2016. That’s where we last left off. “We” now means, and has always meant, current Matthew, as well as the one who will be reading this. If any Where are we now? Corny, I know, but you wanted to type it.

   I have always dreamed of having a Tumblr where I had literally 0 holdbacks. If it was disturbing or could easily be misunderstood, I’d post it anyway. But coming from a Christian background where the Christian homeschool choirs I was in had its dark pockets of judgement, it, or more than just it, made me severely self-conscious. But that is tied deeper to why I care about what others think, and how their attention makes or breaks me as a human being. But I’m getting head of myself. On purpose.

   hunkee, and it’s other 2 sisters were that of restriction. No more. So many have lost touched, forgotten and abandoned me, so who fucking cares now. I may still care. I’m showing it right now, but I’ll contradict that.

   One thing I will hold back on is the private information of loved ones who never got a voice to choose whether or not to have their private lives posted here. I am transparent and honest to an extreme, and it’s gotten me in trouble more than I ever thought or wanted to. Therefore, what you will be seeing is the second draft, edited to filter out private events out of love and/or respect to those who didn’t get a voice. They will be edited with summaries and I may even redact names or change said names. Those people deserve it. And I should have known back then. But you can’t know everything. I could have learned faster, but respect is being shown nonetheless.

   Alot has happened from January 6th, 2016 to February 5th, 2021. What I choose to be here will be here, and other installments will follow. Where we last left off was- well before I say it, let me show you the progression:

- 2009: The end of my childhood and innocence - 2010: a solid year of happiness in the first chapter of adulthood - 2011: not bad - 2012: The beginning of the dark renaissance; the start of it all - 2013: The Darkness: The darkest point, the breakdown, the intervention and the beginning of me stopping any care and any effort. Laziness became my life. - 2014: The Void: Through trying with little effort, the numbness grew - 2015: I literally forgot most of 2015. The Void at its highest - 2016: The End: The year that I gave up, after 5 years of trying through abandonment. - 2017: Committing to my abandonment. - 2018: Rebirth: The slow growth of the tiniest voice within me. - 2019: Pause #1: Amber - 2020: ugh: - 2021: ugh:

Let’s just begin.

             **************

   As per usual, let’s recap from the 16th. My name is Matthew. I’m 24 and a half years old. I work at Patsco Windshield Repair and had for about a month. I have been living back at my parents now for 2 years and about 4 months. I’d been single for 1 year and 2 months. I still had my Roth IRA and likely got rid of my savings account due to poor management of my money. I had suppressed my love for Amber again, and it wouldn’t be the last time. I was emotionally void after raging and depressing for years. My life had no meaning, nor did I really have many friends or any social interactions. I had a car. I can’t remember what bills I dealt with, but it was likely phone, insurance, health insurance and idk.

   Life at Patsco was pretty lame. I would drive to the corner of a parking lot on a busy road, hold up a sign for a while and repair people’s windshields. Calling insurance companies and cleaning headlights. Great for a high schooler; pathetic that I was there in life at 24. The pay was $12/hr. I forgot if the hours were good. But the best thing that happened then was I read Dante Alighieri’s Inferno. I fell in love with that book. Standing on the grass next to cars at the red light of whatever intersection I was assigned that day. Immersed in the world and loving the darkness. I found beauty in dark things and gravitated towards hateful content. Who would have figured.

   Patsco didn’t last very long. Maybe I got fired, I think I did. My memory has deteriorated so much over the past x amount of years. As has my attention span. And effort. Anyway, it usually takes me 1-3 months to find work, and on April whenever, I became a delivery driver for Jimmy John’s. Yet again, a low end, dead end job. I lasted just about 2 years. I asked Asia to let me stay long enough to make it an even two years, but she couldn’t stand me and it didn’t go that long.

   Amber had either come back or was always there. For private reasons, someone in her life had jealously forbade me to come over and witness the birth of her first child. That didn't fucking happen with her second. I was there. More on that later.

   Remembering 2015, 2016 and 2017 is hard. I'm having to pull up my resume, previous entries of this series and go back to where I was then. By the time Jimmy John’s rolled around, I’d been back home for over 2 and a half years. Being numb and unmotivated, I was also an asshole to live with. I treated my mother horribly. There is much to get into about what I have learned about her over the years and why we clash, but I always handled it wrong and I still do. Too lazy to confront her. She saw me at my worst. Whatever I could do out loud, she mostly saw and had to be the victim of it. She didn’t deserve it.

   What I write about tends to focus on home, mom and dad, work, cars and not much else. I’ve neglected to mention Eva but once. I feel bad that in a forgetful and numb phase, I forgot when I met Eva. I met her on MeetMe, a social app for meeting people that too many guys used as a dating site. It was really, really pathetic. But I was open to meeting a significant other too I bet. There goes the hypocrisy. Take note. I just didn’t advertise it and let whatever unfolded, unfold.  Before I mention Eva, what happened on MeetMe is notable. I just didn’t advertise it and I'd let whatever unfolded unfold. This is where I was at: I met someone who lived across the road from me named Evie. I put what I wanted onto her and god fucking dammit I was creepy. We were barely just talking and I was gushing over her. She was pretty and I wanted to be with someone.

   My obsession with women had always been a tame problem that sprouted when it got to be intense. In 2011, when the neglect started, my creepiness, lack of social interactions and desire to have a girlfriend got weirder. Every girl that was remotely attractive, or not even that attractive was ‘so right for me’ and I’d pursue. Ashley, Andrea, Christa, Amy. I can’t even remember them all. It was every. fucking. woman. that came to Josh's and I's house. Someone I hadn’t been vibing with or talking to in the first place. That’s the key, you get to know someone and if they move that way WITH you, then it’s something. I always bash guys for pursuing if THEY want it, whether they’ve talked to them much or not. In my own way, I did that. I just didn’t assert myself as hard because in this context, it would have been awkward.

   Evie casually told me where she worked. We were barely acquaintances and had never met or even had each others’ numbers. And when I saw she was getting off work one night, I bought her the candy she said she loved and walked over to her in front of the store at night, basically a total stranger, and gave her the Reese’s after clarifying who I was. She was extremely quiet. I bet she didn’t eat those candies because she thought the psycho who I guess you could say stalked her poisoned them and is going to kidnap her. Fuck me that was stupid. But that’s where I was at. My desire got stronger and more obsessive over these 4 years. This might have happened in 2015. Either way, I was doing things that were not Matthew. Using a woman for sex, stalking one, and Naomi....Poor Naomi.

   We were talking as friends. She was beautiful. I wanted someone. She did NOT want to find a significant other. When she was reaching out for someone to talk to, it was a friend to confide in. And she made that clear. I lowkey pursued her romantically. We’d meet down the street of her house and park in a parking lot close by. We’d talk deeply, about her hard life. And I would be there for her. Once I told her my intentions, we stopped talking. She was upset, and had every right to be. When I was pursuing Amber 3 years prior, I was putting her newborn to sleep and said ‘can you say “daddy?”’...............................it’s hard for me to bring that up because as wrong as it was and I probably knew at the time, now I can’t....I can’t even explain the awkwardness and shame I feel for saying that. Like I devolved from already clingy/kinda obsessive/maybe on occasion creepy to.....that. To a newborn whose mother....I can’t remember if she liked me at that time. I think she did. ReGARDLESS.

   The last time I wasn’t like this was Ana. in late 2011/early2012. I was never perfect as I’ve said like 3 times with regards to my intense emotions towards girlfriends. Hell, I wasn’t bad at all to Nicole. But this loneliness, that was a combination of my fault and other things that made me do things I regret. I had my first one night stand years ago. Attaining friends was through the screen of my phone. I couldn’t make friends. I lost my ability to be social. I became more socially awkward. Pursuing women wasn’t successful, and my desire had gone out of control.

   Here I am, miles away from the original point: Eva. She was a female and I was looking for a relationship. Desiring love, affection and to get fucking laid. It came in the form of many creepy endeavors. I wasn’t as terrible with Eva. I liked her because I liked every female that came in contact with me. So it wasn’t even genuine when I told her. But we got past that. Wasn’t trying to get in her pants or anything heinous. But as that small phase passed, for the first time in years, I gained a friend. I made a new friend........it’s not that it’s hard, but was for me. I can’t think of the last time I made a new friend. But I hit the jackpot. No one is more loyal than Eva.

   She was an actual friend. She listened to me. I listened to her. We cared for each other. She invited me to her house and to outings with her friends. She cared about me. Someone finally did. It was nothing to her. Like it should be nothing to anyone else: you have friends and you spend time with them. But it was the universe and all its stars to me. I made a big deal out of it for reasons you already know. She was the true friend I needed, but got so late. I felt included, I felt cared about and I felt wanted. I think she’d even text me first! That doesn’t exist anymore! She became a bright spot, but it didn’t change what was coming.

   I got mad at Jimmy John’s. Aggressive driving, maybe dealing with the occasional dick ‘cause I was in an upper middle class (some would say rich) area of town. Having been void for so long, I felt I was at a dead end. I think I was friends with Eva by then. I had only been at Jimmy John’s for a month, not even. 2 days before Mother’s Day was when it finally happened.

   Despite the angel that had come into my life, I was still lazy and numb, but I feel I was more angry at this point. Regardless, on May 6th, 2016, I officially gave up. From neglect to anger to depression to laziness, it had all culminated to this. It came in waves: neglect, anger, depression, suicidal ideation, hopelessness, self-attack, breakdown, intervention, self-abandonment, extreme sloth, numbness beyond the realm of textual representation, sick of my state, denying help, anger and then release. Release of it all. When I say ‘I gave up’, that seems so small in text, but defined ‘the rest of my life’. This had been culminating for 4 years and I finally just gave up. Career? never. Healthy diet? never. Friends? They already all left me so nothing’s gonna change ‘cause it hasn’t. Love? either I said I can’t ‘cause of my mental state or idk. Being happy? it hasn’t been possible.

    I adopted a new phrase: Until death. It kept repeating in my head. I had a new set of goals and motivation in my life. My goal was to avoid being happy. It was to never seek love or really get anything serious, idk. My goal was never to get a better paying job, but get enough just to live on my own. Push everyone away, not get lied to by people’s flakiness. Be in a shitty apartment and watch my 30′s, 40′s, 50′s and maybe even 60′s alone. Eat junk food and clog my arteries as no one cares and everyone has forgotten me. What’s the use. I tried. I FUCKING TRIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I couldn’t do it. After 4 years, I was alone, I had no social life, I couldn’t score a woman and I was too creepy to even get close to the first step, I had eaten junk food most of my life and it was affecting my mental and physical health, I couldn’t hold a job, I couldn’t advance because I couldn’t stay long enough, my mental health was blocking my success rate before I started telling people it was blocking my success rate, I was at odds with my parents, Missy was in Chicago, no matter what I did I just couldn’t progress. It wasn’t worth it. I just let it go. My life and my desire to be happy. And that was a commitment. Hard as it would be for my family to have to endure that, I didn’t do it for them. And they didn’t have to suffer. But they did.

   Missy graduated the year we're talking about now. To preface that, the whole family had vacationed to New Orleans sometime.....2014? idk, but my mental state and circumstances had made me a recluse. My family was outgoing, talking with Uber drivers and the person kind enough to let us use their house instead of a hotel. They experienced New Orleans and were having fun. But not me. I was not fully there. I was withholding myself from participating. I was quiet. if you knew me when I was myself, I was the opposite of quiet and shy. But the darkness had just become me. I was barely participating, sitting away from people and not saying a word, focusing on rooting my phone and occasionally talking about it, not talking to humans outside of my family and not speaking with a sad, distant, vacant expression.

    I learned something through my silence. Usually, if there were family problems, I’d be overly involved and not able to think straight ‘cause I’m thinking of all the perspectives and dividing my attention up multifold. I wasn’t like this in New Orleans. When I said nothing, I got to listen more; I got to see what I hadn’t seen all this time. Or at least what I didn’t bring into focus all my life. And that was more true sides of my family through their interactions. The fighting over nothing and people from different perspectives. The escalations and how my family just doesn’t understand each other. If anyone else is reading this but me, you can learn more than you can possibly imagine when you say little to nothing, sit back and let the conversation you normally are involved in happen in front of you. Don’t interact, just let it happen. Watch what you don’t pick up. Our compassion is valid; we can also get carried away and not notice what’s fully going on right in front of our faces.

    Much changed from that much as I used to. Optimism is ideal in moderation, as is everything else. My father was so aperspective shift. I learned more about where we are as a family and I didn’t brush it under the rug as ngry that my standout silence and being a weird, burdensome stick in the mud of a family vacation was affecting everyone and our time together. Not to mention my sister moved out...........2013? I forget. She had been in Chicago so we don’t see her everyday. Things had changed. I had moved back, but for a small amount of time, mom and dad had the place to themselves. That part of your kids growing up and leaving. He confronted me angrily and I learned something else by what he said. You would think he would say something based on how I’ve prefaced this, but instead what uttered from is angry face was:

“Do you have any idea how much money I’ve spent?!”

    Sometimes, maybe many times, the way you say something or the first thing you say reflects where your focus is at. I disagree this is always the case. But in that moment, I believe as a man whose life revolved around providing for his family for 20 years, became focused on that primarily. The man can love. The man loves him family incomprehensibly. Never doubt that. But I learned not only of his perspective but how men (traditionally and mostly) make their life’s purpose of providing....larger than love, communication and interaction. All of that is still there in my father at this point, but when it wasn’t, I learned why.

    Back to the point, Missy was graduating. I had been at Jimmy John’s a bit and even though New Orleans was a while ago, I only got worse for vacations. And going to Chicago was..........terrible. My sister had always been a social butterfly and extravertive. Our personalities were now white and black. I didn’t know how to talk to people. I didn’t know how to socialize. I didn’t want to. I’d been burned so much that I forgot how to be a human being, and also tried not to be. The silence and seclusion as people were in my sister’s living room, talking, was bizarre. People would kindly ask me about me and raise small talk and I don’t remember how much I’d say if I said anything. I think I’d straight up ignore people. It was extremely awkward. I was introvertive, shy, quiet, ignoring and reserved like I was an extreme trauma victim or a mute (no offence meant to either an victim of a crippling trauma or mutes). My sister was in love and trying with this man that turned out to be an asshole. But at the time, my sister was showing me her life and a very important man in her life and I was just letting it pass me by. Was it as simple as just getting over it? Faking it and putting on a face? That, is the opposite of who I am, and I couldn’t just shake this off. I was alone for 4 years and upset about it. It changed me so much that you don’t just pull out of that. Who Matthew IS. PERIOD. at this point. IS. too far gone from who he really is and so deeply warped and shaped by his depression that who he IS is hopeless and functionless.

    Her boyfriend got me a present. I practically said nothing. I watched my sister graduate. I don’t remember it. This is trauma. This has affected my caring, my memory and my attention span. I’m not myself or a functioning human. PSA: it is possible to get out of the habit of many things you don’t think you could get out of the habit of. Like social interaction, how to talk to people, react to things. It wasn’t the darkest point, but such a troublesome time. I was 99.9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999% darkness and 00.0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001% myself. There has always been a voice inside that never wanted this. That disagreed with the (verbal) self harm I’d convince myself. After a while, if you tell yourself the same thing, whether it’s good or destructive, you’ll believe it. You’ll trick you mind. Same thing with your environment. You become affected and accustomed to your environment to some extent. When you don’t realize it.

But this was never me. Me just got smaller. The darkness took over. The darkness was my Caretaker, which leads me to...

[graftisms]

JOSH & MARCUS — DAY TWENTY-EIGHT

location :   evening / post-challenge / pool

featuring :    @bluemmings @blondcs @inquixotic

context because i’m not posting it all :   they all jumped in the pool naked  ( except josh bc he’s lame )  after frankie and miles’ bet about who could hold their breath longest, resulting in most of them having to streak. they’re talking about where frankie ran off to, assuming miles, and then discussing miles and frankie together & separately.

JOSH

"he's into you too," he tells marcus, with a nod. "i told him you weren't really interested in guys though, sorry." that's not exactly what he said, but maybe he's trying to push some buttons, see how badly marcus wants it.

MARCUS

marcus can't blame miles for being into him, he's a catch. but josh's statement has him frowning. " just cause i'm not into you doesn't mean i'm not into guys, josh. " he snorts, shaking his head.

JOSH

"sorry, i had no idea. i haven't seen you with any of the ones here, so..." it doesn't bother him, because he finds this all pretty funny.

MARCUS

" i mean, i was with romi from day one so... " not so much a flex anymore but, his point still stands. " i don't think miles thinks i'm straight though, so, it's all good. " god forbid anyone think he's straight.

JOSH

"and obsessed with naomi the rest of the time," he shrugs, filling in the blanks that aren't there. deanna's choosing violence today apparently. "but yeah, you'll be fine."

MALI

she resurfaces for air, brushing her hair off her face, catching josh’s snide remark. “woah there,” she laughs, blinking at the two of them before glancing over at val.

MARCUS

okay... not where he expected this to go at all. " don't know what you mean by that but okay ... " he pulls a face, brows knitting together.

JOSH

"i don't mean anything," he shrugs.  "you were with romi from day one, but you kissed naomi a few days ago, so clearly you've had a thing for her for a while there. and then you only mentioned girls yesterday when we were talking about grafting, so."

VALERIE

“well you were all over naomi the other day too, weren’t you?”

MARCUS

marcus didn't actually know that josh knew about his ' kiss ' with naomi, so he does suddenly feel a flush at his cheeks, an uncomfortableness in his stomach. " naomi and i are friends. " he clarifies, this sudden shift making the water feel cold against his skin. " and that's 'cause i'm not into any of the guys... miles is a new guy, that's different. " his brows raise, interested to know what val means by her statement.

JOSH

"yeah," he says, voice growing a little cold, "you two are friends. got it." as if that couldn't be any clearer. josh glances over at val, rolling his eyes a little. as if she didn't have her chance to talk about this earlier, but... "we weren't all over each other," he says, "but we had a moment, yeah." he wants to say more to marcus, but this isn't exactly the crowd for it.

MALI

she sighs, a little annoyed she didn’t catch that herself when she glanced at valerie, smiling lazily at marcus. “he did say he likes trouble.”

MARCUS

" so... what, you ditch naomi for jenny, and now naomi's got dylan you suddenly want her back ? yeah, sounds like trouble to me. "

JOSH

"i never ditched naomi," josh scoffs, lifting himself up to sit at the edge of the pool. he needs to be the one on higher ground. "i basically begged for her back after lying to her about jenny, but she ditched me for dylan. it's not like how you randomly dumped romi after her prick of an ex made you feel bad."

VALERIE

she floats toward marcus, hands resting against his shoulders, massaging them a bit.

MALI

oh. drama. “maybe this is a conversation better had on dry land?” she suggests, more to josh than to marcus — what had he done wrong?

MARCUS

" well, i can't blame naomi for wanting out. " he says simply, 'cause josh shouldn't have done anything with jenny but oh well. he gives josh a look like really? once he brings up the romi stuff, rolling his eyes. he is grateful for valerie, if only to feel like someone's in his corner.  " i dumped romi 'cause they fucked maddox without a second thought about me. " he scoffs. " you know full well before that how much i was into her so don't act like i'm the one out of line here. "

JOSH

"alright, well fuck you too, man." josh rolls his eyes. so much for marcus being his friend, but this only basically confirms what he already knew. "you took a break with her because the dejan stuff got too hard. as if she hadn't spent the night crying outside because of that prick. she needed you, and you left her to immediately kiss naomi. i don't even like maddox, and nobody can blame her for doing that. you should be embarrassed by that, dude. i'm embarrassed by what i did to naomi, but i tried to make that right. i'm still trying," he adds. "but romi rather kiss me than naomi wants to kiss you, so... maybe i'm doing something right after all."

MARCUS

" we took a break 'cause neither of us signed up for dejan's shit. she decided to fuck maddox, and i kissed naomi— that was after. " and he doesn't think he'd ever even try it with naomi had romi not fucked maddox in front of him. he is embarrassed by that whole party, from maddox to naomi and everything in between, but he barely has time to linger on it before a scoff escapes him, eyes fixed on josh in disbelief. " romi kissed you ? " he'd like to not be surprised by it. after all, he expected it to happen ages ago, but he can't quite wrap his head around it all of a sudden now it's presented as a fact.

JOSH

“no, because you didn't sign up for it," he argues. "what, you decide you had too much of dejan, so you asked for a break? you think romi could just take a break from her shitty ex being here? you were just looking out for yourself," he fires back, getting heated now. he doesn't realize how much of this he was holding onto. "she kissed me because i punched that guy, which yeah, i shouldn't have done maybe, but it's far more than you ever did. you're supposed to fight for the people you care about. but it doesn't really seem like you cared that much to begin with. you certainly don't give a shit about our friendship, so, y'know. i just hope trying to shoot your shot with naomi was worth it."

MALI

now she does swim over to josh, touching his arm gently. “this is all really emotionally healthy to get out,” she says softly, “but i think you should take a breather, love. clear your head.” it’s clear he’s upset.

MARCUS

maybe he's getting so pressed because he knows in a way josh is right. he didn't really step up for romi like he should have, and he knows that as soon as he had doubts he was looking for a way out. it's just fucking impossible to do that on this stupid ass show without breaking things off.  he's not losing his cool with josh in a stupid fucking pool while butt naked, and really... he doesn't even know what he can say in response. he's lost and hurt and frankly tired of it all. " you know what ? fuck you, man. i'm done. " he shakes his head. " sorry, " marcus' voice turns soft for valerie, his hands reaching to find hers and gently moving them from his shoulders so he can jump out of the pool. he doesn't care that his dick is out or his arse, he just heads inside the villa to go anywhere away from josh.

JOSH

mali tries to gently get him to leave, but josh is pleased to see that marcus does it first, butt naked and angry. maybe he should feel bad, and a part of him kind of does... but the rest of him is a little smug, unable to wipe a small smirk off his lips. good. let marcus feel shitty for once. it's about fucking time. only when his bare naked is out of his view does he look at mali, finally feeling something different than that smugness. "sorry," he smiles sheepishly, not really sure what to say. "that was... a long time coming. i shouldn't have done it here, though." he takes a deep breath. "want me to grab you a towel?" he offers. save her some modesty.

#tagging it josh & marcus bc thats the main plot #but the others are obvs here too #joshua ; #joshua & marcus ; #joshua & mali ; #joshua & valerie ; #joshua & marcus 012 #i needed the fight on my page thanks