when the first love ends
it hurts so much, the pressure building and clenching against his lungs, making it hard to breathe. It’s okay. He can feel Alluka’s warmth nearby. It’s okay.
It’s okay.
He loves Alluka. He loves Nanika. When that memory had been torn out of him, it left an odd feeling of cold, rotting in his bones. A cold he could bear, even if it made him shake on some nights. It was filled when he got to see her again. Them again.
He made this choice. He made it.
Warmth surges through his back, and he jumps, wiping away tears.
“Big Brother. I don’t mind, you know. We don’t mind. As long as we get to spend time with you, we can do it with sixty other people!”
Alluka spreads out her arms as wide as she can to make a point, grinning.
B-but…
What does it matter…?
That’s not what Gon wants…
That’s never been… Killua’s never been part of Gon’s goal; he’s just a thorn in his side.
He can feel the pressure of two hands, this time pushing him forward, and he stumbles.
It feels like a dream, walking forward in a daze; while both the hands had been Alluka’s, something made it feel like both of theirs, Nanika and Alluka’s pushing him on.
A blur of monochrome colors, until he sees that green, and he reaches out and grabs just the edge of Gon’s sleeve.
Time starts to move again before he can take it back. He can’t stop the overflow of the tears, or the trembling of his fingers, grasping on by a thread, a hiccup leaving his lips, followed by a set of words.
“D-Don’t go…”
He starts to sob, crashing to the floor, his knees scraping against the ground and tearing skin, as he lets go of Gon’s sleeve.
This is just a tantrum.
Gon looks shell-shocked. Of course, he does… Killua can feel Alluka’s palm on his back; she stands there unwavering as he curls up, burying his face into his sleeves, wailing.
“K-Killua…”
He doesn’t want to hear that rejection burn his ears. Even though he braces for it, taking comfort in Alluka’s warmth upon his back.
“Killua.”
Gon leans down, and Killua slowly lowers his arms, afraid.
Gon doesn’t look mad; he has a sad smile as he gently holds a hand out.
“Killua. When’s the last time you got some decent sleep?”
When…?
Has he ever… even…? It’s been forever…
He shakes his head, sniffling, and Gon smiles softly, getting on one knee and gesturing his hand out more for Killua.
“Ooohh… Gon, you’re kinda acting like a prince on a white horse right now…!”
Alluka giggles, reassuringly patting Killua’s back.
“Although, mmm, your outfit kinda sucks…”
Gon hates him…
Gon laughs, looking up at her, using his free hand to rub his neck, sticking his tongue out.
“You and Killua are pretty alike; he’s told me the same thing!”
Gon must hate him now…
“Killua?”
Killua looks up slowly, tears dripping down his face, and he rubs at his flushed cheeks in a daze.
Gon hates him…
But Gon isn’t wearing a scowl, just a gentle, concerned smile.
“Can you stand?”
Alluka removes her hand, taking a hop back, and Killua reaches out slowly, all so tentatively grasping Gon’s hand with dainty fingers.
Gon pulls him up gently, and Killua stumbles right into Gon’s arms, and Gon catches him, a strong arm around his waist.
“Careful.”
Idiot. Idiot. Idiot.
Tears well up in his eyes again, and he leans down, pressing his face into Gon’s chest.
Ba bump. Ba bump.
Breathe.
Breathe…!
“Sorry, I’m so sorry.”
‘You should be! I had to run myself around ragged for you!’
Killua can’t even bring himself to play it off like that again, shaking his head, his legs buckling.
Gon catches him before he falls, scooping him up in his arms.
Killua presses his hand to Gon’s chest, feeling the warmth through his fingers.
Warm.
Warm…
Warm-
“Killua! Killua?”
He snaps out of his daze, gasping; Gon’s staring at him with a guilty look, Alluka’s hand hovering near.
“I’m sorry, I really-!”
Killua cuts him off, wrapping his arms around Gon’s neck and hugging tightly, burying his face between the midpoint of his chest and neck.
Gon’s breath gets caught in his throat.
“Killua…?”
Gon holds him closer, trying to give comfort, which he isn’t sure he’s allowed to give.
Killua looks up, his nose bright red from crying, that hue splattered across the rest of his face, even reaching his ears.
“Idiot! Stop apologizing! I-I don’t want it…”
He tucks his chin down, biting on his lower lip.
“I-I…”
“We just want you to stay.”
Alluka steps in front of Gon’s path, arms behind her back, feet pressed together.
Killua can feel the color drain from his face, and he hides in Gon’s jacket, he doesn’t want to let go, but he wants to cover his ears…
“Of course. You know… maybe I’ll have Ging look for me!”
Killua uncurls his fingers slowly, unaware he had been gripping Gon’s jacket so tightly.
“Right?”
Killua peeks up slowly, and Gon beams down at him.
Killua nods slowly, giving a small soft grin.
“Right… That’s what the idiiiiottttt gets!”
He looks over at Alluka, who giggles.
thank you…
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No better way to word this so Imma just say it: as a fellow peets enjoyer, I would enjoy reading your takes on the SFs Gangs feet. So if you ever need a excuse to talk about it… gestures
(Also calling it. Larry is ticklish as fuck down there which makes most of the kinky stuff one may want to do impossible because he already feels phantom tickles when you just wriggle your fingers in that general direction and becomes an absolutely giggly mess instead. Which also has its charm mind you)
Anon, it is such a pleasure to be reminded that there are persons with impeccable taste, such as yourself, lurking in the fandom and on my blog, and it's even better when said persons encourage me to be as self-indulgent as you have with this ask. Please accept these headcanons that I thought about way more seriously than I probably should have lmao (I did my best to not let my personal preferences influence them, but a few maaay have sipped through the cracks, and so did yours 🙈💓💦)
What are the Gangs Feet like?-
[CW: Grapefruit (though this is 99% sfw), unsanitary, tickling]
Sally:
-Big feet for his height, greek shape, pronounced metacarpal and ankle bones, arches are a little high.
-Wears shitty off-brand high tops with zero arch support and doesn't seem like the type to own a pumice stone, so there's some callusing on his feet where his shoes rub, but the rest of the skin is relatively soft.
-Typically keeps his nails trimmed purely for comforts sake
-Smell varies from very minimal to strong, depending on whether he's been playing video games or hiking around the woods all day, and whether or not hes had the spoons to change and shower recently.
-Wears soft cotton ankle-length socks (sensory friendly and cushions his very exposed achilles tendons), occasionally with novelty prints. He keeps them on most of the time because his feet get cold easily.
-Sometimes paints his toenails (badly)
-Not ticklish unless you really, really try.
-Hesitant to accept a foot rub, but once you've assured him that you actually want to give him one and he gets used to the feeling, he'll slowly melt into his seat... 🥴
-Blushes if you play footsie with him. 😳
Larry:
-Big ol flipper feet, roman shape, a little wide, average arches.
-Wears sturdy, ankle length work boots with good support, so there's minimal callus, though the skin is overall a little tough.
-Might forget to trim his nails sometimes, and the smell can get pretty ripe if hes been working real hard all day... 😬
-Wears moisture-wicking, mid-crew length socks with strong elastic because he can't stand the feeling of his socks slipping down and bunching at the toe. He has a bad habit of stripping off his socks when he's lounging and leaving them on the floor.
-Has some moles on his feet (just like he has on the rest of him).
-He's ticklish as hell, so touches have to be predictable, deliberate and firm (unless you want to see him reduced to a giggling, thrashing wreck, in which case, do so at your own risk ⚠)
-Would lean back and 'feel like a king' getting his feet rubbed (once it's clear you're for sure not going to tickle him). 👑
-Taps and shakes his feet if he's sitting still for too long.
Ash:
-Larger than average, narrow, greek shape, low arches.
-Used to be that kid that always walked around outside barefoot, but her current use of cosmetics and shaved legs suggests a beauty regimen that would keep her feet looking presentable. She periodically uses a pumice stone, regularly moisturizes, keeps her nails trimmed and occasionally uses nail polish (purple, black or clear).
-Wears supportive, cushioned athletic shoes, and thin, no-show socks, generally in solid colors, but may choose to forgo socks altogether.
-Usually smells like her moisturizer or has a pretty mild scent, unless its especially hot out 🌸
-Average ticklishness
-Could be convinced to have her feet rubbed if it was a mutual thing, or she was especially sore and really needed it.
-Will totally do mani-pendis with a friend! 💅✨️
Todd:
-Average size, egyptian shape, average arches.
-Wears white and grey crew socks and sandals with shorts, so he has a noticeable tan line on his calves. He spends most of his time seated, so they're pretty soft, but the skin can be a little dry in patches.
-Generally keeps his nails tidy, though he can neglect them if he's become hyperfocused on a project, in which case Neil has to remind him to trim them after hes had enough of getting scratched while they're lying in bed togther. 🛌
-Not much of a scent, since the sandals let them breathe.
-Basically impervious to tickling thanks to his parents.
-Will accept the occasional foot rub from Neil, but is more likely to give them, and is pretty good at it, since he's learned a few techniques and pressure points over the years.
-Keeps his socks on most of the time (including during sex) unless it's very hot out. He's just more comfortable that way 🧦
Travis:
-Smaller than average, square shape, low arches.
-Wears mid-crew socks in various colors, sneakers, and dress shoes. Average amount of callous.
-Trimmed nails and almost no scent (he has to shower every day), but that likely changed when he became more involved in behind-the-scenes cult work, and he became increasingly disheveled as he began neglecting his personal hygiene.
-Ticklish to the point of kicking (and will not hold back) 🤬
-Does not like having his feet touched at all (hes touch averse in general), and you probably could not convince him to give a foot rub to anyone under any circumstances without blackmailing him into it. ❌
-Always has socks on unless he's changing or bathing, even when he's sleeping.
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