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smilingformoney · 5 years

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It Lives Beneath Diamond Scene: Josephine’s Story

Fifty years ago…

Now playing as Josephine Vance. You sit on a chair in a dingy cellar, hands bound behind your back. Gritting your teeth, you focus on sawing through your bonds with a piece of glass you found on the floor. Josephine: (Come on… come on!) You’re almost through the ropes when the cellar door opens, and heavy boots clomp down the stairs. Abe: Josephine. Josephine: Abe. Nice bathrobe. You special order that from Burlington Cult Factory? Abe: Very funny. Come on, it’s time to go. Abe takes a step toward you. Josephine: (I’m almost free… I’ve got to keep him talking!)

Josephine: Abe, wait! -You don’t wanna do this!

Josephine: We haven’t known each other for long, but I know you’re a good man, Abe. You don’t really want to kill anyone. Josephine: It’s not too late to stop. We can forget this ever happened… Abe raises an eyebrow. Abe: I may not know you that well, Josephine, but I seriously doubt you’d just let this slide. Abe: Besides, we’ve come too far, and there’s too much at stake.

-I have a daughter!

Josephine: Please, Abe. Marie’s just a baby. You wouldn’t really take away her mother, would you? Abe sighs, looking at you with pity. Abe: It’s a shame, Josephine, it really is. But we’ll make sure Marie’s got everything she needs. Abe: And like you said, she’s just a baby. She won’t even realise you’re gone.

-Touch me, and I’ll rip your throat out.

Abe flinches back slightly, then laughs. Abe: I heard you fought like a wildcat when they picked you up. Vincent’s still waking with a limp. Abe: But I doubt you can give me much trouble with your hands tied behind your back. Josephine: Come over here and find out.

Abe starts toward you, leaning in to grab your arm… just as the last strand of rope snaps! Josephine: RRRAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! Abe: Wha-- You throw yourself at Abe, stabbing the shard of broken glass into his shoulder! Abe: Aaaaaahhhhh! His back hits the ground hard, and you straddle his chest, punching his head as hard as you can, over and over! Josephine: How about that? Is that funny, you son of a bitch?! Kelley’s eyes roll back in his head, and he goes limp. You steal the knife from his belt, spitting in his face. Josephine: Okay… time to get out of here. You’re in the process of stealing Abe’s robe when the cellar door opens, and more robed figures pour down the steps! Cultist: She’s escaping! Grab her! She rushes forward as you jump up, Abe’s knife clutched in your right hand…

I’ll… -Kick her!

You spin sideways, kicking the woman hard in the chest! Cultist: Uff! She stumbles back, knocking several of her cohorts down like dominos. Josephine: (Damn it, they’re still blocking the exit…)

-Stab her!

Lunging forward, you sink the knife deep into her chest! Cultist: AUUUGH! You yank the knife back, and she falls to the ground… but more figured rush forward to take their place. Josephine: (Too damn many of them…)

You keep fighting, lashing out with fists and knife, until they overwhelm you with sheer numbers and drag you up the stairs…

After a short ride in the trunk of a car, your captors bring you to a bend in the river deep in the forest, where the water glows with unearthly light. A small group of robed figures stand at the riverbank, turning as they hear you approach. Vincent: Ah, there’s the woman of the hour. Astrid: I trust she didn’t give you too much trouble on the way? Abe scowls, touching a swollen bruise above his right eye. Abe: Oh, yeah. No trouble at all. Josephine: Say, Vince, I wonder if you could explain a couple things. I couldn’t help but notice some construction on the way here… Josephine: Construction that looks suspiciously like the dam you promised not to build. Vincent: Yes, well… plans have changed somewhat in the past few months. Evolved, you might say. He beckons, and another hooded figure steps forward… Arthur: … Josephine: Arthur. You launch yourself toward your husband, but are brought up short by the two burly men holding onto your arms. Josephine: Where is she, Arthur?! What have you done with my daughter?! Arthur: Marie is safe, Josephine. I swear, nobody’s going to touch her… Astrid: …So long as you do what you’re told, that is. They march you to the riverbank, then spin you around so your back is to the water. Astrid: You’re going to perform the Rite of Becoming. You will call the Power into yourself, and you will not stop the flow. Not for anything. Josephine: Didn’t Arthur tell you about that creature that lives in the woods? You know what’ll happen if I take I too much of the Power. Astrid: You will become our bridge. Through you, we will all be able to tap into the Power. Josephine: Yeah, about that…

Josephine: You really think… -You’ll be able to control me?

Josephine: If I do what you say, I’ll become a monster… an inhuman thing that will tear you all to bloody pieces. Josephine: Hell, if you want me to kill you so bad, just let me go and we can skip the ritual part. Astrid: Yes, well, fortunately you’ve taken care of that little problem for us.

-You’ll be able to call on the Power?

Josephine: The Power’s not like tennis, Astrid. Josephine: Even if you’re already sensitive, it takes years to learn how to connect with it safely. Astrid: Yes, well, we won’t be the ones connected to it. Not directly, anyways…

Astrid holds out her hand, and Arthur steps forward… placing a long metal spike in her hand.

IS THAT…? -My marlinspike!

Vincent: Release her. And remember, Josephine, your daughter’s fate depends on your cooperation. Your guards let go of your arms and step back. Abe comes forward, holding out his knife. Abe: Your hand. Josephine: … You hold it out, not even flinching as he opens a long cut across your palm. Josephine: One more thing…

Josephine: Arthur… -Take care of our daughter.

Josephine: If they so much as touch her, I will find a way to make you pay for it.

-I’m going to kill you.

Josephine: I don’t care what they do to me, and I don’t care how long it takes. I swear, someday I will end you for this.

Arthur looks down, his face streaked with tears. Sneering, you turn away from him and look around at the assembled figures. Josephine: This won’t hold me forever. I’m going to make you regret this. All of you. You close your eyes, clearing your mind as you recite the words that Cora taught you years before… Josephine: Power of the ancient trees, I come to thee in supplication. Power of the earth and stone, I seek to form a covenant… Power begins to well inside you, making you feel lightheaded. Josephine: Power of the flame and shadows, I humbly ask to be your vessel… Josephine: Make me one with the trees, with earth and stone, with flame and shadow… What started as a trickle becomes a torrent. A vast, primal energy floods into you, leaving you euphoric and gasping for air. Josephine: Make me one with the Power. Suddenly, you can feel everything… You’re a part of the forest itself, of the land… of the river… But then… you feel it start to go wrong. Josephine: Hnnnnn… The Power begins to burn inside you, your every molecule searing with agony. You start slipping, losing control… Josephine: Too much… it’s too much… I can’t-- Astrid: Don’t stop. You know what will happen… Shadows begin to swirl around you, flickering with tongues of dark flame. You feel yourself being hollowed out, consumed, corrupted. You scream… …and then, Astrid drives the marlinspike into your heart. Josephine: Nnnhhh… Numbly, you look down at the spike protruding form your chest. Blood and darkness seep from the wound, soaking your clothes… You look up, locking eyes with Arthur for a split second… and then Astrid shoves you into the river.

You sink through the glowing water, blood trailing above you in a dark column. Josephine: … The Power rages inside you, an all-consuming storm of darkness and hatred that burns away all but a single thought… Josephine: (…Kill them…) Water fills your lungs, blood bubbles from your chest as your heart seizes around the spike… but the Power will not let you die. Josephine: (Betrayers… murderers! I’ll kill them… kill them…) Josephine: KILL THEM ALL!

Josephine finishes her story, and the room falls quiet for several long, tense seconds. You: Josephine, I… I’m so sorry. What you went through is beyond horrible. Josephine: Then you understand why the people responsible need to pay. You: I do, but… this isn’t the way. Killing Grandpa won’t change what they did to you.

#playchoices #choices stories you play #choices it lives beneath #choices ilb #it lives beneath #it lives beneath walkthrough

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skies7536 · 6 years

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Life Is Pain

After a devastating explosion on Onderon, communication was cut off from the planet. However, out of hope or morbid desperation, retired clone Medic Commander Wyn sent a constant transmission to the planet in hopes to get a response. On the surface of his cluttered desk, a holo date hovered at the right corner. Day 27 and no response of any kind.

‘Life is pain, suffering is optional.” Easy to say, not so easy to overcome. Wyn had been working himself out of a severe depression by exercising and purifying his body to prepare for his last mission in life.

No one was going to stop him from finding out what happened to his adopted Marjadin community. Not even an old, damaged body.

Commander Wyn grunted his way through several chin-ups from a secured bar to the ceiling of his Kaminoan apartment. “Sixty-eight…sixty-niiine…Sev-Sev-….Auuugh. He hung there a moment, his arms and core burning from exertion, taking several heavy breaths he struggles through one last chin-up. ”Ssseventy!”

Wyn hung there a moment panting, not wanting to let go too soon. Gently, he lowered himself and groaned as he put his weight on his damaged knees.

The closet door opens and the assistance droid tentatively sticks its head out looking over the filthy and disorganized apartment as its master carefully stumbles to the couch, sitting heavily as he wipes his face and neck with a towel. Grumbling to himself, he tosses the towel aside as he leans over a coffee table full of parts and rummages through a near by box.

Wyn picks up a round disk studying its dimensions and holds it near the joint of his knee brace. He then places the disk on the table and unstraps both his knee braces, placing them there as well. The old Commander took his canes and struggled to stand.

“Do you need assistance, Master?”

“No! Get in the…” Wyn stood painfully and looking about his apartment, he sighed in tired frustration.

“Droid, clean this place up.”

“Yes, Master!” Said the droid as it eagerly left the closet.

“Don't call me that!”

“Yes, Owner.”

“That neither. Keep your trap shut and clean the place.”

“Trap? I have no trap, Own…” noticing the Commander's cross expression the droid had shut down it's vocals until spoken to.

“Don't touch the desks, and send the office boxes there to Doctor Gida Fam. She can have them. Toss the rest.”

“Toss them where, Sir?”

“Kriff droid!” Wyn passes his hand over his face, “Throw it away!”

The droid bowed and began its task as Wyn enters the refresher.

After a much needed shower, Wyn sighed as he looked at himself in the mirror. “Kriff'in feel as old as I look.” His silver hair had taken over his dark black long ago. Salt and pepper hair graced his chest and belly. Battle scars still shown brightly on the skin of his chest, legs, left shoulder, right side, and down his spine.

‘Life is pain, suffering is optional.’ Wyn had been saying that mantra to himself more and more lately.

Taking a razor he began to shave, carefully trimming his mustache and goatee.

Thinking of his deceased bride and loved ones, he sniffed, “Oh, Elena. I have these new found years, and for what.” He sat on the bench retrieving a syringe, he injected both knees and wrapping his left knee with a bacta bandage, ‘I stayed in the GAR to protect you. I stayed at Kamino to find the end of age acceleration…’ “FOR WHAT!” Wyn slams a fist on the sink counter making a loud noise.

“Master? Sir?”

“KARK OFF, DROID!” The Commander barked as he rubbed his pained right knee.

Running his hand through his hair, ‘It’s time.’ He stood and retrieved a small vile from a hidden compartment in the medicine cabinet. Inside was a tiny info chip imbedded into a screw similar to the one he had implanted into his friend Commander Cody the year before. Taking another syringe, Wyn sat back down and slid the needle into the side of his leg near the knee. He pressed a button on the device which quickly drilled the tiny chip into the tibia just below his shortened patellar tendon. He then wrapped his knee with the bacta bandage and finished dressing.

Exiting the refresher, his apartment was clean and properly organized. “Well, I'll be Kriffed.” Wyn walked into the bedroom and opened the closet revealing his clone trooper uniform still marred and scored from several Clone War battles. He took his helmet and gauntlets and closed the closet. As he left the room, he noticed that a small, wooden box on his dresser was missing.

“Droid!”

“Yes, Sir.”

“There was a Marjadin wood box here. Where is it?”

“Tossed, Sir.”

“WHAT?”

“It was tossed, Sir.” The droid tilts its head, grey eyes blinking, “Perhaps I can arrange for a hearing test -“The droid was silenced by a powerful grip at its slender throat.

“YOU, listen carefully.” The Commander snarls, as he stood nose to nose to the droid, “I don't care how long it takes you, I don't care if you return. Find it.”

“It may be in the compactor…”

“Find it!”

“Yes, Sir.” The droid hurriedly leaves the apartment. Wyn places a hand on the spot where the box lay for many years, “Kark’in droids.” He mumbles before he enters the living room.

Wyn sits in the couch and works on the knee braces he had been modifying. After hours, of trial and error Wyn removed his helmet and blew on the steaming metal he had been working on. Turning on the holo feed he searched for any word from the Marjadin region of Onderon. Silence, again, was the only response. Leaning back into the couch cushions he took a sip of high test caf as he waited for the metal to cool.

The doorbell rang and the droid returned, filthy and severely dented, but in its arms was the lost Marjadin box. The Commander tried to stand, but found it hard to rise, “Aww, kriff. Come here.”

“I had a time getting it from the compactor beast.” The droid handed the box to the Commander who ripped it out of its hands, “Who knew that wood was its favorite treat.”

Wyn examined the box as he ran his fingers across the intricately carved design, lingering on the single word, Nusuakoa. “You’re lucky it's not damaged. Go to maintenance and get cleaned up.”

“Yes, Sir.”

Once the droid left, Wyn carefully opens the box. Inside is a Marjadin necklace which he puts on. Two small holo disks were hidden in the false bottom. The Commander smiles as he views the holo vids and pictures of his brothers and their shenanigans. He put that disk inside his left gauntlet.

The next disk, with a shell etched on the surface, showed images of the Marjadin community who adopted him.

The images stop and a pass code is requested. Wyn slides his thumb across the edge of the disk, leaving a small skin cell sample, then enters a long numerical passcode.

Elena, his Marjadin, Onderonian, bride appears smiling sweetly, her captivating blue-grey eyes shown brightly against her dark ebony completion. She stands facing him dressed in a traditional, brightly colored silk robe accented with ribbons of stones and shells.

“Wyn, love. I hope this message finds you well. I have been missing your com calls, but I understand that you must be dark for a mission.” She pauses a moment as she pulls at the long sleeves of her robe, “I wanted to wait until you returned to tell you, but you’ve been gone for so long… Remember when you told me we can not have children?”

Elena smiles as she smooths her hands over the brightly colored robe around her belly which bowed outward prominently as she showed her profile. “Yes, love, it's yours.” She parts the robe exposing her large, pregnant belly, The Force has surely blessed us.” She happily turns from side to side in a gentle dancing motion showing off her expanded girth.

The Commander chuckles as he watches her. Soon his vision is blurred by tears, and his chuckles turned to sad breaths. He sighs and wipes his eyes as the image continues to dance.

“You have only been gone for five months, but our little tempest is growing so fast!” She gently rubs her belly, “If we are unable to talk before the birth, I think I'll name him Nusuakoa. It means tempest. A fitting name, believe me.” She laughs lifting her belly slightly, “Ohh, he’s so heavy! Healers say I am on my seventh month already.” Elena stops her dance and huffs a couple of breaths as she rubs the side of her belly, “Nusuakoa… your son...is anxious to meet his father.” She chuckles as she pulls the robe around herself, “Stay safe, and come home soon love. I miss you.”

The old Commander looks at the paused image for a moment, before turning it off. ‘Ah, Darling.’ He holds the disk a moment running his thumb over its etched surface. He kisses it and puts it in his right gauntlet.

Touching the metal on his modified braces, and finding it cool to the touch, he put them on. On the right side, he flips a tiny switch and the braces obeyed his intended movement. The Commander stood effortlessly except for enduring the usual pain, but movement was much smoother and the canes were not needed.

“Yes! It works! But, still hurts like a kark'in…” He flips the switch again and the braces returned to normal functionality. He slowly sits on the couch, “Jaket.”

“Yes, Commander?” Came a familiar voice from the disk at the right knee joint.

“Activate.”

The blue light on the disk flashes briefly and the brace behaves without flipping the switch.

“Excellent!” Wyn was still in pain, but his movement was a bit more fluid as he slowly moved about without his canes.

The doorbell rings and the droid returns.

“Ah, droid! Come here.” Wyn picks up his sonic screwdriver as he stiffly walked toward the assistance droid.

#star wars au #clone #clone trooper au #clone trooper #clone trooper oc #kamino #family #droid

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sloaners · 6 years

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Naruto learning from kakashi the newspaper jutsu that kushina taught him. Good against gremlin uchiha.

“Of all the jutsu I’ve taught you.” said Kakashi gravely, “this will be the most important.”

“Oh wow really, Kaka-sensei?” Naruto asked with stars in his eyes. Then he blinked, and shouted, “Hey, you haven’t taught me any jutsu!”

Kakashi awkwardly coughed and said, “Still, it is important.” Kakashi then stared hard at Naruto, unwavering, “I learned this from the scariest kunoichi I have ever known. This was her most powerful technique. She swore me to secrecy when she taught it to me, only to teach it to those worthy.”

“Worthy?” Naruto whispered, awed.

“Do you think you have what it takes?” Kakashi challenged.

Naruto nodded, face set in firm determination. “I’ll give it everything I’ve got!”

“Watch me closely,” said Kakashi, ready to pass on a legacy.

—

“That was the dumbest shit ever,” Naruto groused as he stomped his way over to his teammates.

“What was dumb?” Sakura asked, curious.

“Kaka-sensei’s bullshit jutsu he taught me! It’s just a—”

“Ah ah ah, Naruto-kun, you were sworn to secrecy~” Kakashi sing-songed, just to be irritating.

“Auuugh!” Naruto pulled at his hair in frustration, and said, “Fine, just know it was STUPID, Sakura-chan.”

Sakura narrowed her eyes. “Stupid or not, I want to learn one too! You haven’t taught us anything, sensei,” she said, a worryingly murderous look in her eyes.

“I’ll teach you a nice earth jutsu then,” Kakashi placated, holding his hands up.

“It better be a devastating one,” Sakura grumbled to herself.

Sasuke up until that point had ignored all of them. He tipped his head to look at Kakashi and said, “I want to learn a jutsu.”

“Maa, alright,” Kakashi sighed at his rude little student, “How about one to—”

“One to kill my brother,” Sasuke interrupted.

“Hm, how about no,” said Kakashi.

“What?” Sasuke hissed, as he dived into all the reasons Itachi was the worst and Sasuke had to be a lone avenger and become strong enough to murder him.

Before Kakashi could stop his monologue, Sasuke cut off abruptly, and burst into a cloud of smoke.

‘Ah, shit,’ thought Kakashi.

“Sasuke-kun?” Sakura called out, tentative.

Sasuke the gremlin growled as he darted out of the smoke, zeroing in on Kakashi. Kakashi sidestepped Sasuke and was ready to take him out of commission with his special jutsu.

That is, until Naruto shouted, “Hey, leave sensei alone, you dick!”

Sasuke turned on Naruto with a mighty screech and darted towards him instead.

“Aw fuck!” Naruto scrambled backwards, avoiding a swipe from Sasuke’s bitty claws.

Naruto ran across the field, attempting to escape. Sasuke was fast, however, and Naruto struggled to avoid his attacks. He turned to a nearby tree and jumped up to barely grasp a low hanging branch. He had to lift up his legs to avoid Sasuke’s snapping teeth.

‘Huh. I should probably teach them tree-climbing,’ Kakashi thought.

“Naruto!” Kakashi instead called out to him, “Remember what I taught you!”

“What?! Are you serious?!” Naruto shouted back as he clutched the tree branch, watching Sasuke circle under him, hissing.

“Do it!”

Naruto swung himself from the branch, hitting the ground with a tuck-and-roll. He hastily pulled out a spare scroll and ripped some paper from it as he ran, Sasuke skittering after him.

He rolled up the paper as he turned to face Sasuke. “There is no way this is gonna work—Ack!” Naruto tripped backwards when Sasuke tried to bite his ankles. “Teme! Stop that!” Naruto shrieked as he bopped Sasuke on the head with the paper.

Sasuke, stunned, stopped right in his tracks. He plopped down on the ground and gave Naruto a woeful look with the biggest eyes he could muster.

“Aw, Sasuke-teme,” Naruto looked away with an unconvincing scowl. “Stop being so freaking cute, huh?”

Sakura looked like she might pass out. Or try to hug Sasuke.

'Kushina would be so proud,’ Kakashi thought, as a single tear rolled down from Obito’s eye.

#asks #my writing #gremlin au #kakashi hatake #naruto uzumaki #sakura haruno #sasuke uchiha #i love writing terrible teacher kakashi #it is a very powerful jutsu

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katherine-rambles · 7 years

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lately i’ve been learning a lotta things that.... make me wonder if i have low-key add/adhd?

evidence in the “probably” pile:

i learned recently that becoming angry at interruptions can be a symptom of focus issues, and that many add/adhd folks HATE interruptions.

guess who has literally scheduled her entire life around avoiding interruptions, since as long as i can remember???

like No Joke i would do homework in the early afternoon so my parents wouldn’t bother me whenever to do chores (because to them homework was Above interruptions, but nothing else was???) and then after they went to sleep i would read/play videogames/art/etc. all of which, had i done during the day, they would have felt ABSOLUTELY FREE to interrupt me and then get mad when i got mad at them for interrupting me and didn’t immediately drop it because i’m a stubborn asshat

from research of the above, i’ve learned about (and immediately converted to) the school of thought that “attention deficit disorder” might be inaccurate, and “attention regulation disorder” might be a better way of phrasing it. see this link for more info

from that link: “But with people with ADD, who have impaired executive functioning, the inability to self-regulate appears as laziness or lack of willpower. It clearly is not.”

i’ve always had IMMENSE trouble self-regulating. without places to be, work structures and schedules to support me? i 100% fall apart. i’m still having trouble, as a 23 yr old adult, at setting up bedtime and wakeup routines!!!

from a list of ADD symptoms, inattention: “Be easily distracted by things like trivial noises or events that are usually ignored by others.”

i can’t often stand music or tv or whatever while i work. either i just Stop Doing What I’m Doing and pay attention to the music or tv show (and thus waste a couple hours on tv shows i don’t even like) or i turn it off.

relatedly: i cannot go to bed with the tv or music on, despite it being a regular occurance for many of my friends. (guess who stays wired up on sleepovers while other ppl fall asleep to media.... :^) )

from a list of ADD symptoms, inattention: “Be forgetful about daily activities (for example, missing appointments, forgetting to bring lunch)”

i circumvent this now by writing a bajillion lists all the time, but when i was younger... i almost failed sixth grade because i wouldn’t bring my homework to turn in.

which is to say: i would take it home, i would DO all of the work, but i literally forgot to bring my homework to turn in, on a regular basis, for the better part of a year.

my teachers were confused at my great grades but lack of homework, so they talked to my parents about it, and that got drilled the fuck outta me, but... yeah

also? i can’t sit anywhere but at the front of classes. if i am not at the front i cannot pay attention, due to all the shit that people get up to. i’d love to join u at the back of class my delinquent friends playing games on your phones, but i cannot or I Will Fail.

from a list of ADD symptoms, inattention: “Have a hard time paying attention to details and a tendency to make careless mistakes. Their work might be messy and seem careless.”

there’s a job in libraries that i cannot do. it is called Shelfreading, and basically, the idea is that you read the collection numbers on the shelf (that bit on the end of the spine libraries use to keep things in order) and make sure that the books are, indeed, in order.

i begin falling asleep maybe four feet into shelfreading. i literally cannot do it when i am Any degree of tired in the first place, but even when i am at my Tippity Toppity Best i’m the absolute worst at that job. it is my least favorite part of libraries-- even including the time I had to be a part of moving a library, and i wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.

from a list of ADD symptoms, hyperactivity: Fidget and squirm when seated.Get up frequently to walk or run around.

me.

i can’t sit/stand still.

from a list of ADD symptoms, hyperactivity: Always be "on the go"

when i’m not depressed, i ALWAYS need something to do. i have ‘patience’, but only if i’m doing something else in the meanwhile.

for most of my childhood, i had drawing as a “something else”.

from a list of ADD symptoms, hyperactivity: Talk excessively

hhahhaaaahahhaha i’m so insecure about this but basically i can and often will babble on until you tell me to stop. case in point: look at how long this post is getting. i do that in speech, too

from a list of ADD symptoms, impulsivity: Impatience

fufufuuuuuuuck it me. i literally cannot play some games because of how slowly the characters walk. i will never be able to replay the older pokemon games because of this. rip me

from a list of ADD symptoms, impulsivity: Having a hard time waiting to talk or react

!!! i’ve channeled this into “interrupting folks to help them find words”!!!!!!

from a list of ADD symptoms, impulsivity: Have a hard time waiting for their turn.

hhhhahmmmmm this might be a reason why i strongly prefer single-player sports.

in tabletop, “waiting for my turn” doubles as “watch other people make fun things happen”. and any other time i need to wait i can usually do something else while i do so.

from a list of ADD symptoms, impulsivity: Blurt out answers before someone finishes asking them a question.

yes. but it’s kinda rare, i wonder if this is one of those semi-gendered symptoms.

but also, did you mean, “raising my hand before the professor is done with their thought”?

from a list of ADD symptoms, impulsivity: Start conversations at inappropriate times.

hhhhaaaa i’m sure becca can attest to my inability to wait five seconds before beginnning a conversation that’s awkward while the person who reminded me of something is still around.

something that seems like impulsivity might have a hand in:

right now, i really don’t want to be spending money. and yet??? i have like ten purchases in the past three days or so around 10 bucks a piece. for random videogames, toys, books, a tiara, a hat i found at a storage store, a couple of things i thought would make great gifts for specific folks in the future.... why tf can i not wait until i get my goddamn paycheck at the end of the week????

something else that seems like impulsivity might have a hand in:

i am a Serial Procrastinator. the only way i get things done is by procrastinating on one thing by doing something else. very few of my tasks are both Proactive and Not A Part Of Putting Off Something Else.

from a different list of add symptoms in adults: Restlessness, Trouble Relaxing

i’ve said that i literally cannot relax. that is: actual relaxation occurs so rarely for me that i treat it more or less like a myth.

from a different list of add symptoms in adults: Trouble Starting a Task

hey, did you know that this (in addition to being super tired) was literally what kickstarted my depression? now ya know

welp

more generally, i am a ninety-per-center. which is to say: i got a’s in school, but it wasn’t because i studied and memorized every last detail. getting 100% on anything was extremely rare for me, even though you’d think i’d have a higher chance at it with my average so high.

i hate straight-up memorizing. i’m terrible at it. if learning only happened like that, i would be a highschool dropout.

what i AM good at is being a magpie of knowledge. learning is legitimately a hobby for me.

so learning MORE for me is often about contextualizing something new in terms of what i already know.

one of my other hobbies? READING FUCKING EVERYTHIGN as a child. i read so much that my average reading-words-per-minute is 700 (w/ 100% retention-- that’s an easy reading pace for me), but i can jack it up to 1k with 80% retention. theoretically, if i could keep that up, the internet tells me i could read the entire bible in 24 hours at that rate.

my good grades also gave me a positive feedback loop: having good grades meant that teachers didn’t care if you doodled during class, and doodling during class is apparently a huge coping mechanism for ADHD/ADD.

uh.

so.

in researching and writing all this out.... i’ve basically convinced myself that i probably have some degree of add/adhd, but i had really good coping mechanisms that developed early.

when some of the things i’d relied upon began falling apart, i spiralled into Depression because executive functioning is hard

oh my god now i’m taking a test and.... SHIT IT ME http://totallyadd.com/adhd-quiz-start/

ESPECIALLY

My home or workspace is cluttered, piles everywhere. Things have to be out where I can see them, otherwise I worry that I’ll forget about them.

When I am alone I talk out loud to myself to stay on track. I have sticky-notes everywhere. I’ve bought things and then realized I already owned one.

You probably don’t bounce around like a hyperactive child, but perhaps you often feel restless. Driven. Like there’s a dynamo inside you. Maybe you’re impatient. On the go. Thoughts race, sometimes tumbling, ricocheting as you pour out one idea after another.

I walk faster than others and have to wait for them. I like to be in action, on the move.

this only applies in crowds; in other situations i’m small and can’t keep up the same with folks. But in crowds if I’m not moving forward i want to tear my hair out

I find myself stirring things up. Teasing.

auuugh i’ve been trying so hard to stop this one because it’s often really rude and invasive but I HAVE SO MUCH TROUBLE STOPPING MYSELF

I’m drawn to one hobby or obsession after another.

did you mean “project”? did you mean “life consuming goal projects that take ~80 hours during a month when i’m also in school full time and work part time??”

I have more stamina and enthusiasm than anyone else if it’s something I find interesting. I dive in whole hog, like a whirling dervish, with tons of energy. But then suddenly crash.

I always have lots to say, but I’m not so great at listening. I can be an enthusiastic chatterbox who just can’t stop. If someone else tries to speak I get louder because I feel pressure to get it out.

I am full of ideas – my mind jumps and races ahead. I don’t sit quietly and consider, but immediately offer one idea or opinion after another.

I may seem impatient or dominating, always adding my two cents, having to contribute my ideas… and I have lots of them.

I’m instantly enthusiastic and interested in new challenges. I say yes to everything, then end up overwhelmed with commitments.

HOLY FUCK

HOLY FUCKITY FUCK

I SCORED AN 18/18 ON A SCALE THAT’S MEANT TO BE 10/18 “YOU SHOULD MAYBE CHECK WITH YOUR DOCTOR”

you mean to say, i have been dealing with this all on my own, for TWENTY GODDAMNED YEARS, AND PEOPLE DIDN”T NOTICE OR CARE JUST BECAUSE I GOT A’S IN CLASS

i may be, more than a little pissed at this. hguhgugh

#text #present #curiosity #happy #gentle mental #is this adhd

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