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#leave me alone this is how i have to cope with this
lorelune · 10 hours
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O4O: part i
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|| jing yuan x reader || E/18+ || omega for omega, soft smut || wc: 10.3k  || ao3 ||
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Jing Yuan has been content riding out his heats alone for centuries. You, despite being another omega, are happy to lend a hand if Jing Yuan will have you.
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minors, antis and ageless blogs dni
💦🎀 this piece is apart of SPRING FEVER: an omegaverse collab! 🎀💦
part i (here) — part ii (coming soon!)
notes: hello omega jing yuan omega jing yuan save me... the way omega jy has haunted me for months. MONTHS. this fic is incredibly indulgent soft, needy smut with non-traditional a/b/o dynamics. THANK YOU to the lovely @owlespresso for beta reading!! please read the tags and enjoy!! <3
CW: a/b/o dynamics, omega jing yuan (with afab and amab anatomy), omega reader (afab anatomy), past yingxing/jing yuan/dan feng, bottom jing yuan flavors (though reader does not do any penetration), use of toys, worldbuilding around omegaverse, lots of biting, milfy jing yuan, mommy kink without the word mommy (at least not in this part 👀💗!!),
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Jing Yuan has not shared his heat with anyone in a very, very long time. Centuries, most certainly. Jing Yuan doesn’t find it very useful to keep track of that length of time— he finds it cumbersome if anything. There’s no use holding onto a past that only forces him to redigest pain. 
Jing Yuan rarely has heats. He keeps a diligent schedule of medication and only has to go through them once every decade or so. Occasionally less, if the Luofu is passing a particular star system or comet field. His heats are always cumbersome. He can conceal his omegan sensibilities often, but it is more difficult prior to a heat.
Preheat is a different beast.
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When Jing Yuan sequesters himself in his estate for the better part of a week, anyone who knows he’s even there assumes it is to go through a rut. A week is a standard amount of time to take off for a rut and is expected. However, a heat has a standard time off of about two and a half weeks. Much longer to accommodate preheat and nesting needs. 
Jing Yuan rarely indulges his own. 
The Luofu, at large, assumes he is an alpha. This is manufactured, however only partially. Generally, the citizens of the Luofu assume, given that he is the General and he has a larger, broad-shouldered stature, that he is an Alpha through and through. He always wears scent patches in public, which is normal for both omegas and alphas. Betas, too, occasionally. Depending on the subtype. The Charioteers know that he is an omega, but they are committed to some amount of discretion and guard the information as a secret. Lady Fu, an alpha, will occasionally scold him for being so secretive. Like he harbors some sort of self-hatred that he is an omega. 
It is simply more convenient for him to be seen as an alpha. Jing Yuan doesn’t wish to disturb this perception.
And therefore, it is much easier to wait as long as possible between heats and bear them alone. Whatever instincts he has can be satiated with toys and a half-decent nest. Jing Yuan has always considered this enough. ‘Enough’. 
(It’s not sating. Jing Yuan cannot lie to himself about this. He remembers laying with Yingxing, and how the alpha made him feel more full and content than Jing Yuan had ever thought possible during a heat. Or ever, truthfully. He remembers how calming Dan Feng’s presence had been— grounding and reassuring, too. Jing Yuan was fucked, filled and protected. An omega’s dream.)
Jing Yuan... copes with what he has. A large, plush bed with a downy mattress, a few donated, alpha-scented garments, and a collection of inflatable, knotting toys. He always leaves his heat with lingering cramps, a brutalized hole, and a yearning that takes a few weeks to quiet itself. 
It is natural that he craves his mates. Even if they are long dead (not dead. Not really. Not the same as they once were, anyway.)
And certainly, never to be his again. The mating mark on his neck has long faded.
Jing Yuan tracks his heat so such yearning can be anticipated and planned for. He knows when his heat is approaching, down to the specific day it will occur. He titrates off his suppressants carefully, and maps out a portion of time off for himself a year or so in advance. 
Which is why it is very odd that he starts exhibiting preheat symptoms in the middle of the day, a random day, during a tactical meeting.
Even if he had been titrating down his dose in anticipation for a planned heat in a few months time, it is far, far too early to begin feeling symptoms. The familiar itchiness prickling under his skin is entirely unexpected. Jing Yuan has to put a particularly large amount of effort to get through this unnecessary meeting without letting a single symptom slip. He can only adjust in his seat so many times before it is improper, or juggle the cradle of his jaw from one hand to the other before it is clear something is wrong. 
If any of the Charioteers and their advisers notice anything amiss with him, they say nothing. The only one who looks off-put is Fu Xuan. She’s a spitfire alpha herself, and perhaps she’s keen enough to notice that Jing Yuan is beginning to feel... unwell. Though he is masking his scent as he always does, he imagines that the flush in his cheeks is becoming increasingly obvious.
Fu Xuan gives Jing Yuan a wary look as the meeting is dismissed.
“General,” She says curtly. “Are you well?”
“I’m fine,” He gives her a rich laugh as he stands, muffling a groan as his stiff back and knees ache. He’d sat for too long. He feels light-headed as he rights himself and Fu Xuan glares at him.
“I doubt that,” Fu Xuan huffs. “I will not interrogate you in public, nor do I think you would give me an honest answer even if I did—”
“So little trust in me, Master Diviner—”
“ However, I will urge you to go home. ” She takes a step closer and sniffs the air. It’s just the two of them in the meeting room now, the rest of the parties in attendance having filtered out. Subtly and without fanfare, she takes his hand in her own, and presses her wrist to his. Jing Yuan keeps an easy grin on his face but can’t help the way he tenses his fingers, flexing them at the contact. “Do you need an escort?”
“Is Lady Fu worrying for me? How kind.”
“I’m— not, ” Fu Xuan huffs now and more roughly smears their wrists together. The scent gland she is almost abusing is swollen and hot to the touch. It takes all of his composure not to squirm with her treatment. “I’m no fool. If you have a heat starting, you should be comfortable at home, not in a war room.”
“Master Diviner, you think I’m an omega?” Jing Yuan says with a smile. He knows she is already privy to this, but he can’t resist teasing her a bit.
“You are insufferable. Even in this state. Go home. I will take you there myself.”
“I’m afraid I can’t return home just yet,” He hums. He imagines he has a few hours before proper pre-heat sets in. “I have a lunch date that I cannot miss.”
“You— a lunch date?”
“Yes, of course. It’s a scheduled event, dear Diviner.”
“Do not patronize me.”
Jing Yuan laughs as she fumes. He has the urge to ruffle her hair, but thinks better of it. The complicated updo would surely be ruffled, and Jing Yuan is already getting an earful as it is. 
“I would never.”
Fu Xuan yanks her arm away with a growl. She wears some type of masking perfume, she always has, but with her frustration swirling, a bit of her actual scent peaks through. It’s light on the back of his tongue, floral almost. Nearly inedible, but the kind of scent Jing Yuan that makes him nostalgic—
(For a master with a scent like frost-covered roses, and a packmate with a scent filled with springtime lilac blossoms in fat clusters.)
“If this lunch is really so necessary, may I escort you there at least? Or will your alpha be meeting you here?”
“They’re not an alpha.” Jing Yuan hums. His stomach feels warm regardless. “And I’ll be just fine getting there myself.”
Fu Xuan looks at him, questioningly. Her lips open, then close once more. There are questions she clearly has. And for all her brashness and hot-blooded fervor, she understands decorum better than most. She pries out of care and her good intentions, and Jing Yuan can respect that if nothing else.
“I’ll concede,” Fu Xuan sighs. “ However, please let me know if there’s anything else you need. You have my number.”
“Noted.” Jing Yuan rises, and feels the heat clouding his head sink lower in his body. He’s being engulfed. 
Fu Xuan deadpans, “General—”
“Have a good rest of your day, Master Diviner,” He calls with a light laugh, slipping away before Fu Xuan can give him any further grief.
...
As the Arbiter General of the Luofu, Jing Yuan knows its streets and secrets very well. There’s more than one way to arrive at his favored terrace garden without being seen or smelt by the public. It is helpful that this path is lined near an aqueduct stream, surrounded by lush greenery and clumps of fragrant azure asters. This path is tucked away, straddling an external tunnel of the Luofu’s inner tunnels. Really, only the Calibrators aboard the ship use it, and as there are only a few and they tend to keep to their delve, Jing Yuan has very little fear walking this way at his own leisure.
He is glad you tend to take your lunch dates in the privacy of this particular garden, under the gazebo and nestled atop its many silken blankets and pillows. A conventional restaurant in this state would be doable, but unideal. 
Jing Yuan can smell you as he approaches. It makes him pause, just outside the gate. His hands hovers over his jade abacus as he opens his mouth to taste you in the back of his mouth.
(Warm, a familiar scent that he associates with the rare indulgence of relaxation. It’s not overly sweet or ripe, but balanced and full-bodied. Not quite floral or fruity, and not deep enough to be akin to an aged black tea. Perhaps like the roll of a hearth or the beeswax of a lit candle.)
He’s sighs. It calms him instantly. 
Even if you aren’t an alpha, you are familiar, as is the current setting.
You’re sitting at a low table in the shade of the gazebo. There are several plates of cheeses, cut fruits, salted meats, and nuts laid out. You’re ladling sticky honey into a small dish as he enters, and look up at the sound of the gate closing.
You smile when you see him.
“General,” You smile. “I apologize, I started setting up lunch without you. Everything should still be chilled.”
“No need to be sorry,” he laughs gently, brushing a hand against your shoulder before rounding the table, and taking a seat across from you. “I could never complain about your diligence. You have chosen quite the spread today, haven’t you?”
You flush with a nod, and gesture down to the table, “The markets were lovely today, I had to splurge. You’ll have to let me know what you think.”
“Only if you do the same.”
“I-I can do that,” You smile at him softly.
Despite your familiarity, you still regard him with some amount of anxiety. Jing Yuan has long since placed this has less to do with his status as General, and more than likely due to a deepened amount of affection that Jing Yuan... entertains. Enjoys. Thrives off of, even. He perhaps returns it, though he hasn’t told you that explicitly.
Besides, you believe him to be an alpha. He’s sure that, if you did know his secondary gender, such affections would fade quickly. The allure of what he could provide as an alpha is quite different from what he can provide as an omega.
Jing Yuan takes a sip of sparkling juice, and as he lowers the thin-necked glass, you look at him strangely. A crease knits itself between your brows.
“Did I get some on my face?” Jing Yuan chuckles and wipes at the corners of his mouth with his thumb.
“No... you just,” You stumble with your words, hands flexing in your lap. “Are... are you alright? Your cheeks look quite warm, and you’re sweating around your hairline.” 
You always have been keen to bodies other than your own. It’s not the most common trait. 
“... Am I?” Jing Yuan could choose to lie at this moment. It would be easy to say he was using a new brand of suppressants, or blame it on a stressful day. However, he doesn't like lying to you, only twisting the truth when entirely necessary. “I do suppose I’m at that point in my cycle.”
“Oh!” You startle and sit up more straight. You push a plate at him. “Pre-rut? You should eat, then. You’ll need your strength. Do— do you have someone I can call? I don’t mind.”
Your worry is cute. 
Jing Yuan can’t help thinking about it. You are an omega full of so much care and urge to help. Jing Yuan has seen it and experienced it many times, and has also seen how it has gotten you into unfortunate situations. You have a trusting mind and spirit, and more than once, it has been used against you. 
Jing Yuan likes keeping you close, so he can look after you, even if it’s from a distance.
He stares down at the plate. There’s a pile of glistening orange grapes, a few roses of sliced, cured meats, a chunk of honeycomb, and buttery looking crackers. It does look delicious, however Jing Yuan has always struggled to eat in his pre-heat. When he looks up at you to decline, your expression looks even more worried, almost sour.
Before he can speak, you are. Petal-soft lips lips downturned. “Are you... not in pre-rut, General?”
He deflates, slightly. He is old— and. He does not wish to steer you away from what is a correct assumption. You are his most trusted companion.
“I am not,” He says softly, and picks up one of the grapes. He squeezes. The skin is taut and tight. “And, please call me Jing Yuan. Formalities can be dropped, yes?”
“I— yes, of course.” You look from his plate to him. “So, you’re... pre-heat?”
“I am, yes.”
“Oh!” You immediately heap his plate with several other kinds of fruit, and grab a clean glass and pour ice water from a pitcher into it. “I apologize— for. Making such an assumption.”
“No need to apologize.” He soothes and lays a hand over yours. “I’m aware of what the vast majority of the Luofu assumes my secondary gender to be. It does not bother me. If it did, I would have corrected the greater public long ago. I apologize for not telling you directly until now.”
“It’s— okay,” you reply. Perhaps a bit hurt. “I never asked. I just— I just thought. Wrong.”
(Please be kinder to yourself, he thinks. It hurts to see you saddened on my account.)
“Nonsense,” he laughs and gracefully takes the water you offer. He downs the glass down his parched throat. He— hadn’t realized how thirsty he was. “No harm done. If anything, I’m grateful that you now know.”
(Regardless of how it could change your feelings toward him.)
Jing Yuan has tempered heartbreak for millenia. Another one— is not nothing, but it is manageable. Perhaps not during preheat, but he still has time to mourn. 
“I’m glad too,” you tell him, and squeeze back his hand. You only scent him sometimes, always so shy about it, but now you firmly rub the scent gland in your wrist against his. His aches, and the sensation and exchange of pheromones nearly makes him wheeze. He straightens his spine. 
“Was that—?” You almost pull away.
“No, it’s very welcome.”
You stare at him, intent and soft, before settling. Tentatively, you rub at the gland in gentle circles.
“You should eat,” you say after a moment. “Do you have an alpha I can call? Or— um, anything you need me to pick up for you?”
“I am fine.” Jing Yuan will text Qingzu for the essentials, rather than troubling you. “I’ll finish lunch with you, and then see myself home.”
“... No alpha to pick you up?”
“None to speak of, no.” Jing Yuan manages a smile.
(It has been— centuries since Jing Yuan had an alpha to care for and stake a claim on him. The notion of finding another has been put out of his mind since he himself had to confine Dan Feng to the Shackling Prison and exile the man Yingxing became. Even after meeting them as they are today, Jing Yuan knows they are no longer his mates.)
“Oh.” 
Every one of your emotions is so clearly on your face. You look so sad for him and you squeeze his hand. He has half a mind to pull away, and remind you that he does not need your worry. However, he is in pre-heat, and by Lan, he is craving worry.  
“And... heatmates?” You ask. “I don’t want to pry, but it’s hard to spend a heat alone.”
“Once again, none.” Jing Yuan replies without hesitating. The silence that follows is poignant as you study him. 
“I see.” You frown again, clearly thinking. Jing Yuan can see the thoughts turning around just behind your eyes. You pile on even more fruits to his plate. “Eat, eat. You need it.”
“This much fruit will give me a stomach ache, I fear.”
“Some of it, at least!” You huff at him. “For me, please?”
Jing Yuan meets your gaze, easy and soft. There’s no threat, only the heat that matches your scent and the feel that radiates in his chest.
(You are not his alpha. You are something entirely different— something that he wants so badly to hold.)
“For you.”
...
By the end of lunch (in which, Jing Yuan does manage to eat a decent amount of the fruit you’d put on his plate), Jing Yuan’s pre-heat has begun to simmer into a more uncomfortable territory. He desperately wants to shed his uniform and armor, and slip into a robe and no bottoms. He hasn’t begun to slick yet, but he will surely start to by sundown.
Jing Yuan stands after the meal, stretching. It’s proper afternoon now, and the birds of the garden chirp eveningsong. 
“Jing Yuan?” You ask as he stretches his arms above his head. His name sounds lovely in your mouth.
He hums, “Yes?”
“Do you want a heatmate?” You ask quietly. 
He looks at you. 
You’re fiercely meeting his gaze, even though you’re clearly struggling to. Your bottom lip is tucked between your teeth, and you’re fighting a frown from the crinkles on your forehead. Regardless, you stand your ground and ask a question that is surely difficult to broach, especially so directly.
“I—I am offering.” You stammer. “To clarify.”
“To be my heatmate?”
“Yes— I hate to think of you suffering alone, Jing Yuan. If I can be by your side to ease it, if only a little, I would like to be.”
“That is very brave of you to ask.” He smiles with a tilt of his head. “And bold.”
“I— I’m being honest.” You almost whine. It’s so cute. “Is that a no?”
“No, not at all.” Jing Yuan replies. “However, I wouldn’t want you to help solely for my benefit. If you wish to enter my nest exclusively to be an aid, and not out of... personal wants, I would feel guilty.”
“It’s— it’s personal wants too.”
“... Is it now?”
“Yes. Absolutely.”
“Even though I’m not an alpha, as you thought?”
“Yes.”
“You’re certain.”
“ Yes, Jing Yuan.” 
“I cannot give you a knot—”
“I do not need one!” You break, much to Jing Yuan’s amusement. “I am happy to be by your side, regardless of that! If anything, I’m more than happy to share a nest with you without the assurance of a limp and a potential pup.”
Jing Yuan smiles, almost unrestrained, and your cheeks heat deliciously. 
You stammer, and poke at his chest, “You’re teasing me—!”
“I apologize, you must forgive me—”
“ Rude—!”
Your bury your face in his chest and nuzzle there. It’s— clearly a self soothing action, one you realize a moment too late isn’t quite proper. You stiffen, beginning to draw away, before Jing Yuan catches you by your scruff and holds you there. 
“You’re alright,” He holds a wide palm there. “I apologize for teasing you. I mean so warmly.”
“... Scoundrel.” The sound muffles into his chest.
“Am I?”
You peer up at him, so warm in the cheeks and eyes... almost watery. Something in his chest feels sticky and molten. 
“ Yes—” You dare to meet his eyes again. “But, one I’m very fond of.”
Jing Yuan steels himself.
You are an omega. It is not your pheromones addling his mind. There is clarity in the attraction and affection he has for you, one not influenced by the urge to be knotted and bred. Though, Jing Yuan wants that, maybe part of him needs it. There is a trunk full of toys and implements he has tucked away that will sate the urge. The feelings that he carries for you will not so easily be placated.
“I would like it very much if you were to share my heat with me,” He speaks softly, just for the two of you to hear. Not even the garden birds will know his words. “If you are still offering.”
“Yes,” You say quickly, tentatively wrapping your arms around his waist. “Yes.”
He chuckles, easy and low, and presses his nose into your hair. Perhaps it’s pre-heat, making him sentimental and mushy. He usually hides out and bears it alone in his comfiest nest so these feelings typically do not get expressed in any other way other than delirious, anguished cries while a knotting toy takes the edge off. 
Jing Yuan finds these are nice to indulge, as your scent envelopes him.
...
“I lied earlier,” Jing Yuan says as you enter the threshold of his estate. “I apologize sincerely.”
“Oh?” You ask with a tilt of your head, accepting a pair of house slippers eagerly. “... What about?”
“I am in pre-heat unexpectedly. Though I have been tapering suppressants for an anticipated heat, it has come far earlier than planned . Things are... not as I would like them. You’ll need to excuse me for a few moments.”
Jing Yuan, like any omega, is particular about his home and nest, especially around his heat. He knows his home and inner chambers are not to his liking and he’ll need to prepare them. Even if you aren’t an alpha entering his nest, you are a guest and companion he is very fond of. You deserve only the best.
“Of course, whatever you need,” you assure him. “Do you need me to grab anything while you do so? I don’t mind running to the market—”
Jing Yuan turns on his heel, grabbing your arm firmly, “You’re not leaving.”
“O-Oh.”
Your eyes widen, and heat rises in your cheeks. Your throat bobs as you swallow and nod. Jing Yuan— were he not in pre-heat, would perhaps be a bit embarrassed by his brazeness. However, now? The idea of you leaving his home sends him reeling. You cannot leave— not until you smell like him and his nest. Not until— not until this is over.
“I sent a request to Qingzu to fetch us a few things during the walk over. She’ll be here shortly. I do, however, have a bowl of fruit that could be cut up while I get myself sorted. How does that sound?” 
You nod eagerly, happy to follow instruction. Jing Yuan knows this about you and enjoys it thoroughly.
He sets you up in the kitchen with a bowl of sunsiettas, a box of meldberries, and a few bunches of perfectly ripe, round kaishen grapes. Jing Yuan leaves you to the task, which he can already tell you will do dutifully. You thrive off of praise and direction. It’s a dangerous trait of an omega to carry, even more terrifying to hold openly as you do. Jing Yuan knows it has burned you before.
However, he intends to indulge you well and kindly, as it pleases him very much.
His mind, far-too warm and itchy, yearns to spin fantasies as he locks himself in his room with a shake of his head. 
He must keep it together. Just for awhile longer. His bed is— not a nest. Not the nest he wants (needs) it to be. His duvet, thick and luxurious as it is, needs a fluffing and a fresh scenting. His pillows are not arranged to his liking, and he needs to poke through his linen closet and add some extra layers as well. He needs to make sure there’s lube nearby with clean toys. Water out. His phone charged and volume on— (though, he already sent a message to Qingzu stating his heat has hit and he’ll be out for at least a week. ‘Defer to Diviner Fu :3’ , which is Jing Yuan’s payment to Lady Fu for the list of errands he had sent her.)
Jing Yuan shakes his head with a laugh. The little alpha will certainly be pleased when she hear she’ll get to play General for a while. 
Pre-heat drives him forward. He sheds his many layers (without aid, which is objectively a headache and he regrets not asking you for assistance initially. However, Jing Yuan is fairly certain that if he were to be fully bare around you, regardless of his pre- heat or not, he may jump you and drag you into his nest—)
Pre-heat is also making him somewhat irrational.  
He throws on his favored robe, a silken, cream-colored garment with delicate gold and red embroidery around the hems. The sleeves drape at his wrists and a sash ties it snugly around his waist. The itch that’s been rolling around just under his skin feels duller, with the less restrictive garment. The fabric crosses over his chest in a way that is... revealing. Probably too revealing, under any other circumstance, especially given that you have never seen him in anything less than his daily regalia. 
The thought of looking so indecent around you has its allure to it. One that Jing Yuan lets himself entertain with a smitten smile as he works.
He is attracted to you, surely. This he knows and has known. 
Jing Yuan acknowledges that this is both emotional and physical. You are dear to him, truly. In a way that is unique to any of the connections, he holds in the present. Your presence is one he thoroughly enjoys, and, more than once, (many times), has craved during his late-evening ruminations in his courtyard. He— has thought about inviting you over, if for nothing else than a chat in the moonlight and tea or wine to your preference, however—
He has always stopped himself.
Yearning, he will allow in the ways he has learned to manage it over the centuries. Small doses of longing that can be enjoyed and swallowed down, without festering. Being brazen with his wants and feelings is... slipperier. Especially concerning you, as you are dear to him, and Jing Yuan, for better or for worse, would like to share space with you for as long as he can manage. 
This attraction is regardless of secondary gender. 
Jing Yuan has not cared about secondary gender for a great while (since he shared a bed with a short-lived alpha and one of Long’s Scions, who, like all Vidyadhara, did not have a secondary gender at all.) 
Your presentation as an omega was never a deterrent to him. If anything, it was something of a comfort. Jing Yuan was claimed long ago, and he knows that no alpha’s claim will feel the same as Yingxing’s and he wouldn’t want anyone, especially you, to attempt to emulate it. The ownership of a claim was not something he sought. Jing Yuan has had his heart broken enough for this lifetime. He is sure you could rend his heart asunder, however it would not be in the way of losing a mate that he is biologically tied to. 
Statistically, Jing Yuan is lucky that such a loss did not cause him to become Mara struck five hundred years ago.
He is very content with whatever your relationship could become. If nothing else, the prospect of it allures him. Especially now that you know his presentation and clearly seem undeterred yourself. If— if anything. Your scent calmed and cooled when he’d told you on the terraces. 
Another thing that Jing Yuan will have to parse when he isn’t so wet that he’s leaving puddles in his wake. 
For now, Jing Yuan’s nest is satisfactory aside from a few personal items. 
Now, all it’s missing is you. 
...
Jing Yuan does not find you in the kitchen, but rather the foyer, wishing Qingzu a goodbye with a wave and shout. 
Jing Yuan must—
(Temper his instincts because you are far too close to the door and you need to be in his nest and his teeth need to be in you and his scent on you—)
“Jing Yuan,” you say to him warmly, with a smile. There are a few canvas bags on your arms. “How are you feeling—?”
Jing Yuan can’t stop himself from dragging you away from the tall set of doors and back to the kitchen. You squawk at his firmness, but don’t reject his touch. He helps you heft the bags onto a low table. His own arms shake, with both the strain and his own heat-induced weakness.
“It’s really progressing, huh?” You tentatively raise a hand, and place it on his forearm to stroke there.
Jing Yuan practically purrs when you rub over the silken fabric, “It is. Quickly. However, my nest and appropriate supplies are ready. Did Qingzu deliver all that I asked?”
“It seems so.”
There are— three more bottles of lube. A few pearly-looking medicine pills, a specialty item from the Alchemy Commission. Several stacks of ready-made meals and electrolyte powder. There are several vials of milky-looking oils he had her grab for more scandalous purposes as Jing Yuan would like to avoid any type of friction abrasion. Lastly, there are few unmarked boxes with new toys.
“You’re so well-prepared.” Your eyes are wide as you take stock of the haul. Jing Yuan bundles things into a basket and ushers you to his nest.
“I have gone through many heats,” he chuckles. “I have learned the best tricks.”
“I-I can see.”
As you enter his bedroom, you stare at his nest with wide eyes. You jump when Jing Yuan locks the door.
“... Is that alright?” Jing Yuan asks.
“Yes, yes, of course. I just—” You swallow. “I haven’t ever helped another omega through a heat. If you have any pointers or preferences, let me know while you’re still in your full mind, please? I’d like to make this as comfortable for you as possible.”
Jing Yuan thinks for a moment. With a tilt of his head, he rests his hands on your shoulders. Your scent is spiced, a bit nervous, but also undeniably aroused. Your gaze darts down to his exposed collarbones and chest, then quickly back up to his eyes. Heat rises fiercely in your cheeks. 
“Your presence will be helpful in and of itself,” he assures you with a squeeze. Carefully, he hooks his thumbs on your outer garment and pulls it down, undoing buttons and ties along the way. Your lips part, breath hot. “I’ll guide you as I need. My heats tend to be mild, though they do last a full week. There will be lulls, which I tend to be quite worn out during. I’ll need your assistance more than anything.”
You nod, taking in his response. 
Jing Yuan— he’s holding it together. Slick is beginning to drip down his inner thighs and there’s an ache in his core that feels heavier and hotter by the minute. However, he does want to do this part slowly. He prides himself on his patience. Piece by piece, he takes off your day clothes and tosses them into his nest. Without them, your scent is stronger. Your neck is bare from any topical or adhesive blockers.
“During the rest of it though?” You ask, softly. “When you’re in the throes of it.”
Jing Yuan hums, letting a shaking hand rest on the curve of your waist, “I’m not certain. It’s been quite some time since I’ve shared a heat with anyone.”
“... Really?”
“Yes.” Jing Yuan presses his lips to your forehead without thinking. The heat of it, of you, sinks into his own. He feels like he’s going to burn up. “Does that surprise you?”
“Yes.” You answer, and push yourself closer to his neck. Your lips part to taste his scent on the back of your tongue. “You are a catch. I know you have quite the lineup of suitors... I just assumed.“
“You also assumed I was an alpha.”
“The General is a skillful liar.”
Jing Yuan clicks his tongue, sliding a hand below your last garments. Satin, lacey things that are almost sheer. Thin. He could tear them easily, but doesn’t. His touch lingers.
“ Jing Yuan,” he reminds you. You stammer before pitching into him. He carefully walks the two of you backwards. His legs are close to giving out. “And I’d like to think of it as a skillful withholding of unnecessary information.”
“ Jing Yuan is very good with his words,” You murmur into the soft skin of his neck, lingering around one of the scent glands there. They ache, sore and unstimulated.
So carefully, you stretch up on your tiptoes to nose at one of them. Your scents bloom together and his eyes almost roll back into his head at the meld of it, the relief and rush of connection. 
It’s the last push Jing Yuan needs before dragging you into his nest with a stifled moan. Coherency is shattered and all he can do is crave, crave, crave.
...
You are a good heatmate.
Astoundingly good. Attentive, kind, and so soft. It’s a relief to Jing Yuan, who’s heat-addled mind is so used to loneliness and cold. You do not have the scent or knot of an alpha, but you’re more than enough. It’s presence and comfort in a way Jing Yuan so, so missed. It’s enough in a different way— and that difference is good. 
(You are not Yingxing or Dan Feng, and Jing Yuan is grateful that you aren’t.)
Jing Yuan finds himself on his back, with you wrapped around him. You let him pillow his cheek against your collarbone. His nose presses against your scent gland, and he pants against it with an open mouth and spit slicked lips. Your hand lays over his chest, cupping his breast while gently thumbing over his nipple. He’s so swollen there, aching.
He cries out as you pinch, as if it could relieve any of the pressure roiling around under his skin.
You curl closer into him with your lips against his temple. “Does that feel good?”
He can only keen and hope you understand that it’s a plea for more. 
You must because a moment later you’re squeezing with your entire hand. It’s— too big of a handful for you. Your fingers are soft and your touch gentle. The visual of the plump flesh of his chest bulging out from between your fingers rewires Jing Yuan’s brain for a craving he never knew possible. A rush of slick gushes from his cunt and— it’s so much. He lurches into your neck, licking blindly at your scent gland. Vaguely, he notices you stiffen and your scent grows a little sharper. 
It’s worry. Jing Yuan can’t have that.
With every ounce of his strength, Jing Yuan rolls you below him, and sits on your hips. You let him, so pliant and agreeable, and lay below him. Jing Yuan’s breath catches and drool slips to the corners of his mouth.
You are beautiful. You look debauched, and you’re not the one in heat. You’re flushed and damp with sweat, just as he is. The robe he’d draped you in is mostly open, revealing supple skin and your last bastion of modesty in the form of a cute pair of panties that Jing Yuan will fantasize about later. 
You look up at him in awe, lust-hazed just like him. There’s little composure to be had as your fists ball up in the sheets around his thighs. Your gaze goes glassy as you look from his face down to where he’s seated atop you and back again.
“No teeth,” he assures you. It is the last coherent thought he has, if only to provide your some comfort.
You look up at him sweetly and nod, grabbing the plump flesh above his hips. “No teeth.”
(A claim wouldn’t take, anyway. Not really. Omega-to-omega pairings lack the necessary pheromones to stake a claim on each other. The most it would do would indicate that whoever has been bitten is a submissive-leaning packmate. Which— Jing Yuan actually would not mind biting you. He would like his teeth in your neck if you would ever allow him.)
He groans at the thought, lowering his head as a silver mane of hair spills around his face.
Jing Yuan is drenched and hard, leaking from the tip of his cock and seam of his cunt. It’s— filthy. You’re soaked too, with a mix of him and undoubtedly yourself too, though Jing Yuan can’t scent it over the smell of his own heat. It’s regrettable as he is sure the mix of you must be divine. Heavenly. 
He wants it in his mouth.
Jing Yuan slinks down your body, licking and sucking at patches of your skin. You try to bat him off, haul him up and away from your own leaking sex, but he resists. He needs a taste or he’ll die, probably. His heat can be quelled in a number of ways, he presumes.
With his face buried in your cunt, surrounded by your scent, the ache for a knot is dulled. When you cry out on his tongue, it is almost deafened.
Jing Yuan drinks you up— he should pay more mind to your clit, probably, if he wants to get you off properly. However, he is so immensely distracted by your entrance and the essence of you that’s leaking out. There’s a rapidly widening damp spot beneath your ass. A steady flow that Jing Yuan needs in him. 
He seals his mouth over your cunt, and prods his tongue inside of you. He presses so close, suffocating with his nose tight to your clit, to lap at your insides. 
You— you wail above him. Your hands bury in his increasingly tangled mess of hair for any sort of leverage. Jing Yuan doesn’t let up; he doesn’t think he can. Your tone crashes into one that’s softer, more airy, begging for more. For less. Jing Yuan can’t entirely tell. He isn’t sure he cares, truthfully. All he knows is that your thighs tighten around his head with each suck and slurp.
The sound of it is heavenly.
Your thighs press around his face. Flush to his cheeks are the scent glands in the apex of your inner thighs. Not everyone has them, as they’re something of a recessive trait among all secondary genders. The scent that comes off them is your own, however muskier and deeper. It sticks to the inside of his nose and pours down his throat like a nectar. You mewl when he breaks away to lap at one, coaxing out more of the scent. He gluts himself on it.
He needs, he needs, he needs.
“Jing Yuan,” you pant above him, propping yourself up with one arm while the other blindly reaches among his nest. “Do you need it? Knot?”
He— 
(He needs to be filled. He isn’t picky if that feeling is quenched with his cunt, ass, throat, or nose. The scent of you is almost enough, even if he clenches down on nothing and feels hollow in his belly. The sensations are so dull with you nearby. He feels heat incensed, but in a way that craves closeness with you and not the manic pursuit of a knot.)
It’s refreshing. Jing Yuan regrets not propositioning you for this treatment sooner.
“Are you offering?” Jing Yuan purrs. He places his thumbs over the scent glands of your inner thighs and presses down on the swell of them, just under your skin.
Your back bends off the bed and you throw your hand over your mouth. Teary eyes meet him and you nod. From the folds of the nest, you pull forth a knotting toy with a shaking grip. 
It’s beautiful for a toy. It’s a model that Jing Yuan had seen in a few high-end adverts on the few social medias he moonlighted on. It’s a flesh-like plastic cock, with an inflatable knot at the base. A little, wired remote drags along the blankets of his nest as you hold the phallus out to him. The plastic of the toy is a light gold, cut with veins of blue. It looks otherworldly and unreal. Jing Yuan has never cared for much realism with his toys, though this one is human enough. 
He makes a mental note to get Qingzu a bouquet for purchasing it for him on such short notice. 
The head of it feels cool against his cunt. It’s a welcome sensation as it feels like his body is burning up from the insight. He lays over you, wrestling you a bit to be flat below him, with his thighs caging yours. He growls when you try to grab the toy from his hands to assist.
It makes you pause.
Your soft palms cup his cheeks, “Do you not want me to help?”
“The angle—” The angle won’t be right, Jing Yuan wants to say. His words feel lost in his throat as he slowly begins to push inside himself. He gasps and tries to duck into your neck, to like and suck at the gland there and feast on your scent.
“I can try—?”
“ No.” 
Jing Yuan wants you just like this. In his nest, smelling like him and arousal and safety. The toy that’s sliding into his cunt is mostly irrelevant, as is the twitch of his cock as he slowly and methodically fucks the toy into himself. Little by little, he bullies it into his underused hole. The stretch is— is not bad. It would be far more uncomfortable if he weren’t in heat and pouring slick. 
You ask more quietly, just as he bottoms out. You still haven’t let go of his face. “Are you sure?” 
He is, but he can’t find the words to say so. Instead, he nods and tucks himself closer to you. You pet down the back of his neck and push on his scent glands. They ache with his heat. The pressure and direct contact makes him grunt as he adjusts to the toy in his cunt.
You hush him and nuzzle in his cheeks, “You’re doing so well. So good, Jing Yuan.”
He keens and pulls back the toy cock, only to shove it back into himself a moment later. Praise from you is a drug. He’s sure. You’re unbearably earnest and sweet and you are too kind to him. You whisper more of them into his ear as he fucks himself, deep and slow. He feels the sentiment of your words more than he hears it. Deeply affectionate and caring. If he were more lucid, he would be disarmed by you, speechless even. Perhaps he is already speechless, but he blames that on the heat haze and how the head of the toy is pressing deliciously into his sweet spot.
He narrows his focus on the spot and fucks him on the toy in earnest.
Jing Yuan will have an arm ache after this. Many aches, actually. It will be worth it. It is easiest to bear with you underneath him, tilting your hips up to grind against his dripping cock. It’s not the friction his body craves, but it’s welcome. It sends sparks down his spine and he whines into your neck. 
You nip at his neck, high on the side of it, and Jing Yuan lets loose a cracking moan. It’s almost embarrassingly loud. Were Jing Yuan able to feel shame in that moment, he’d be red-faced.
Instead, he tips his head to the side, allows you room to mouth and suck marks as you desire. You catch on quickly, and hum, licking broad stripes and soaking him in your scent. Your marks. It surrounds him.
He fucks himself on the toy faster.
(It’s nothing like the heats he had while he was mated with Yingxing and Dan Feng. Not at all. They were shorter, back then. Perhaps it was his youth or the relentless pace and haze Yingxing kept that burned Jing Yuan out faster. Or, maybe it was that Dan Feng always made sure he was wrung out, despite not craving him in the same way Yingxing had. It was carnal then. It still is now, but it does not feel as manic. You are gentle without qualifiers, sweet without expectation, and happy to let him rut into you and back onto the toy as much as he pleases. Your kisses are bruising, but not bloody like Dan Feng’s. There’s a different pace, a different scent, and a different intent.)
Jing Yuan once enjoyed the desperation that Yingxing put into everything he did (including him). He had fallen in love with Dan Feng for his poetics and distanced care. You have neither of these. It is unfair, ultimately, for Jing Yuan to draw comparison. 
Perhaps, he’ll feel guilty over it later. For now, his arm gives out and he falls into your chest with a keen. His back arches, hips raised, and the new angle is so, so good. You run your hands through his hair, and move your thigh, just right, so he can grind on it to his heart’s content.
He’s close; he can feel it in his belly.
What sends him over the edge is the feel of your lips against his hairline, the way your lips have curled into a soft, easy smile as you kiss him there. You stroke down his back, like how a good lover would.
You are a good lover. 
He shudders as orgasm grips him. The sound that rips from his throat is shattering, as overwhelming as the heat that boils over in his guts. And you are such a good lover, that the little remote must have already been in your hand, as in the moment he comes, the knotted base of the toy begins to swell. Jing Yuan can’t— can’t chase his orgasm. He can feel his eyes growing wet while his body feels out of his control (he hates that, he really does). You, however, are a good lover and reach and stretch, matching his angle with the toy and fuck him through it yourself. The knot catches once inside him, then a second time, and with the third, it locks him and the toy together.
And with what can only be called a sob, Jing Yuan fully collapses on top of you.
He can’t keep himself upright, he realizes. His thighs tremble terribly, and his arms are the same. His eyes are filled with tears he didn’t expect and doesn’t know what to do with. It feels vulnerable. Too vulnerable, in a way that Jing Yuan has avoided for centuries now. 
Before the feeling can consume him, you’re coaxing him onto his side and wrapping yourself around him. A sheet gets pulled atop the both of you and you’re nosing into him wherever you can.
“It’s okay,” You tell him. “You’re okay, I promise.”
A muffled sound that comes from your throat, followed by the low roll of a purr. 
Oh. 
All for him?
He shoves himself closer, skin to skin in all the spots he can reach. His tongue laves at your scent glands as his cunt flutters around the toy. He claws at your back before locking his arms around your waist. 
You’re purring for him.
He can help but do the same, even chirping without meaning to as he nips at your jaw. Jing Yuan trails his lips to your cheek, then the corner of your mouth. You curl and laugh at his touch, and Jing Yuan steals the lovely sounds from you with a kiss. It’s something deep and consuming, and Jing Yuan needs more of the taste of you. You squirm into it, gasping and opening your mouth for him to explore as he needs. Your openness continues to undo him. 
It’s all the reassurance he needs. Any poisonous feelings fall away, and Jing Yuan, for the first time in far too long, finds himself content and knotted. 
...
Jing Yuan has never had a heat quite like this one.
It is certainly more mild, and certainly a bit shorter than what he was expecting. The worst of it lasts five days, followed by three days that he can’t quite call post-heat. Though the desire in him is less feverish, he still craves your presence so much it hurts, and the idea of you being out of his nests sends him into a toothy panic those days. The ‘no teeth’ rule is modified to allow some biting, as long as it doesn’t involve any scent glands.
(However, Jing Yuan still would not mind putting a claiming bite on you. He makes a note to bring this up when he’s feeling some clarity of mind and can... attempt to court you properly.)
The most intense days of his heat are spent with a knotting toy in his cunt, rutting against your soft thighs, or with your hands wrapped around his cock. He eats you out whenever he can muster up the energy to shimmy between your legs and luxuriate there. Any down time is spent dozing in the warm sun rays that his bedroom is perfectly placed to receive. 
The latter days of his heat, Jing Yuan is more lucid. 
It’s in those days he truly enjoys his heat. Though the burn of arousal still lays within him, it is easily tempered with your presence in his nest and your many shared bite marks. Your time awake is spent lazily kissing, speaking in low voices, and sharing laughter and cups of cool water, one after the other. 
Jing Yuan, partially, did not think he would ever get to experience this type of connection again. with you or any other partner. The intimacy of the act is so deeply vulnerable, and after the spiritual loss of both Yingxing and Dan Feng, he never endeavored, or wanted to endeavor to, open himself up in that way again.
He, perhaps, convinced himself he did not need to.
(Nevermind the many nights, both heat-addled and otherwise, Jing Yuan spent craving nesting companions. Nevermind how many nights Jing Yuan lay alone, accepting his losses and mourning mates he’d never hold again. Jing Yuan could never choose to be selfish.)
It helped when Yanqing was little. He was just a small pup with golden eyes like Jing Yuan’s and a fiery spirit, even when he was so small. Jing Yuan had never considered himself maternal, however having a pup to take care of brought out latent instincts he’d spent the better part of his life pretending didn’t exist. As Yanqing aged, however, he was less receptive to such affections and connections. After presenting (far too young, poor thing, traumatized body), Yanqing wouldn’t share a nest with Jing Yuan unless he fell ill. Even then, Jing Yuan would have to coax him into it.
It quenched something in him. It allowed Jing Yuan to let himself care in the direct way he craved. With his position as General, how often does get to show care with his hands, and not with his words or stratagems? Not with sacrifice or poetry, but with his body and scent. 
Jing Yuan realizes now that there truly have been so many urges and behaviors Jing Yuan simply did not indulge.
And as his heat breaks, Jing Yuan thinks he’d like to start indulging them more.
...
On the last day of his heat, you stir around nightfall. You are exhausted, Jing Yuan knows this. Though his heat has provided him with a surprising amount of stamina, you are in standard condition, and looked wrung out halfway through day two of his heat. Jing Yuan’s grateful you’re as fond of midday naps as he is. 
You are cradled against his chest, your cheek pillows on his breast. He’d thrown a robe on while washing up, and hadn’t elected to remove it. The silky texture of it feels lovely against his flushed, sensitive skin. You seem to enjoy it too as you grip at the fabric of it in your sleep, nuzzling into his chest.
Your brow scrunches and a little sound pops from your throat as you try to burrow closer. It’s a hopelessly sweet gesture, desperate and honest. Jing Yuan can’t help but chuckle and smooth a hand over your mussed-up hair.
When your eyes crack open, your voice is raw, “‘S morning?”
“No, nighttime.” Jing Yuan nods to the darkened window.
You raise yourself up just enough to look, hum, and then fall back on top of him, “Feels like it should be morning.”
“We haven’t been keeping a very consistent sleeping schedule,” Jing Yuan rarely does, but he imagines that you and your position with the Sky Faring Commission have quite a regular routine. “You can keep resting.”
“I don’t wanna’,” Though, you shove your nuzzle into his chest, smearing him with your scent. “I wanna stay up and talk to you.”
“Me?” Jing Yuan smiles, smitten. He pinches your cheek. “About anything in particular?”
“... Not yet.” Your eyes slip closed. “Maybe later. I want to say things to you, but I feel... mushy. Inside my head.”
“Pheromone drunk?”
“‘Something like that,” Your words slur. “Not that I’m complaining. You smell so good, Jing Yuan.”
When you say his name, he shudders. The hand that’s been playing with your hand slips to your nape and squeezes. You keen at the contact and tangle your legs with his. It’s an impossible amount of closeness you are seeking, but Jing Yuan must attempt to give it to you. It’s abashed and honest, and in the stillness of night, how can he not indulge?
“Do I?”
“ Mhm.”
“Like what?” 
You’re falling asleep, clearly. You’re struggling to keep your eyes open even as you inhale deeply. Your lips part and you take his scent into your mouth. 
“Earth after rain,” You hum. “Sunbeam and linen. Warm milk.”
He squeezes you.
(A long time ago, Yingxing had complained about his scent. ‘Complained’. His face had been flushed crimson, telling him how distracting his sweet, rich scent had been. Dan Feng thought it was the funniest thing, considering Yingxing so clearly enjoyed Jing Yuan’s scent, as did he. They’d described it similarly— “petrichor” Dan Feng had told Jing Yuan while sweeping his mane back from his neck— “the smell of sunshine” Yingxing had told Jing Yuan after berating him.)
“How complementary.” Jing Yuan purrs and pulls you closer by the waist. Your face is smushed against his chest, but you don’t complain. You keep your lips parted to enjoy his scent. “And you like it?”
“So much,” You assure him, droopy-eyed. 
So good for him, so so good.
Jing Yuan presses the tip of his finger to your lips, a bit chapped from the dehydration and exertion. You chirp with it, a bit more awake.
He hushes you, and pushes his finger further into his mouth, “Sleep now, dear. You need to rest.”
“‘So do ya’,” You try to say, though it comes out garbled as Jing Yuan lays his finger on the flat of your tongue. Your eyes widen and go a bit crossed to look at his wrist, then up to his eyes. 
Jing Yuan isn’t entirely sure what compels him, but something does. Gently, he leans down and presses his lips to your forehead. He idles there, and pets down your side.
“I’ll sleep soon, I’m sure you know.” Jing Yuan says softly. “Will you indulge me?”
(He asks to be selfish.)
Without hesitating, you nod.
(And you let him.)
Jing Yuan doesn’t explain himself. He doesn’t need to. Maybe it’s the specific sweetness his scent must take on, or the night air in contrast to the warmth and comfort of his nest, but you understand what he wants and give it to him without so much as a word.
Your lips open a little wider and Jing Yuan slips another finger inside. You stroke your tongue on his fingers as you close your mouth, eyes going dazed and heavy-lidded. You take a deep breath, inhaling his scent into the deepest parts of your lungs. You suck on his fingers gently. 
Jing Yuan watches with still, even breaths.
Later, he will analyze why this scratches so many itches in his brain. Why his post-heat mind feels more calm and sated than he thought possible. Why he wants more of this, always, even if he doesn’t have a name for it yet.
For now, he is so, so content to have you this way. You are lulled back to sleep so easily, sucking on his fingers with your cheek still smushed against his breast. Even as you sleep, Jing Yuan doesn’t remove his fingers. He explores the inside of your mouth with gentle, easy pressure, so as to not wake you. It’s exploratory, more than anything. 
He plays with you in such a way until he’s too drowsy to continue. Satisfied and warm, he drags you under the covers and holds you close, scenting you one last time before letting himself fall into a contented, new kind of sleep.
...
You depart suddenly, while Jing Yuan is in the kitchen deftly chopping fruits and assembling little parfaits. 
You had been in his bathroom, freshening up with whatever products you’d like from his stash. Jing Yuan had left you your own robe for when you exited, quietly beaming that he’d have yet another article with your scent on it.
However, when you do leave the bathroom, you are fully dressed in the day clothes you arrived in a week ago. You stand at the doorway of his kitchen, pausing, wide-eyed.
“I n-need to go,” Your voice wavers, like you’re going to be ill.
Something squeezes in between Jing Yuan’s ribs. There are thin, transparent patches on your neck on either side. Scent blockers. Your eyes look watery. Jing Yuan immediately sets down the knife he had been working with.
“Is everything alright?” asks Jing Yuan. He knows something is wrong, even if he can’t smell you, you’re clearly distressed and disheveled.
“It’s— it’s nothing. It’ll be okay.” You tell him. Your voice trembles and you shake your head. 
“Are you sure? I can help.”
“It’s— it’s really nothing. I need to leave. I-I’m really sorry.”
You look from him to the foyer that leads to his front door and back again. There’s a desperate look in your eye that Jing Yuan has never seen with such an intensity before. It makes his heart ache and his hands feel clammy. He sighs.
(And a quiet, ever-present voice in his mind says, “they all leave, eventually.”)
“Alright.” Jing Yuan gives you a smile, the best he can muster. He knows it must be sadder than intended, as your expression falls and you look like you’ve been punched. 
“I’m so s-sorry.”
“It’s alright,” It isn’t. Not fully. “Handle whatever it is that you must. I’m only a call away. If you need anything, please don’t hesitate to contact me.”
“Okay.” You take a shaking breath and shudder out the exhale. You’re trying not to cry and it takes everything in Jing Yuan’s being not to rush to you and attempt to mend whatever is causing you distress but—
(He can’t. He can’t do that. You have asked him to leave you be and Jing Yuan has spent his entire life honing his ability not to chase, even when he so, so badly wishes to.)
You give him one final, fleeting look, “Thank you. I— I’ll see you at our next lunch, okay? I’m sorry.”
It looks like there’s more you want to say, but you’re already out the door before you can. Jing Yuan hears it open and shut with a soft thud that vibrates throughout his home. It leaves Jing Yuan standing alone in his kitchen, frozen, while the robe he wears slips down his shoulders. He bears your marks, and reeks of your scent. His nest grows colder each minute. And though his heat has ended, the yearning for you has not.
If anything, the feeling is far stronger than it was before.
He latches onto the fact you will have your lunches. That— he will find some clarity then. That he can inspect you for damage during the next sunshine-filled meal you share, and prod to see if the last week and half did not carry the same type of... meaning for you, as it did Jing Yuan. He will need to make sure you’re well. He’ll fret until then, he knows this.
(A more dormant, possessive part of him wishes he snatched you back from his foyer and threw you back into his nest. If something was wrong, he could. If something needed fixing, he could help. If it were anything official for your work, Jing Yuan would pull any and all strings to get you out of the obligation. If you were hurt, Jing Yuan would do anything to see you better.)
Instead, Jing Yuan idles in his kitchen, feeling struck and helpless. Something in him aches, deep and low, and Jing Yuan lays a hand over his chest and squeezes it into a fist. He had thought he had become used to this type of loneliness, but it aches all the same.
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jflemings · 1 day
Text
— let the light in
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pairing: jessie fleming x reader
synopsis: for jessie’s benefit, you end your relationship
warnings: depression, bed rotting, suicidal ideation, self depreciation, isolation, toxic!reader if you squint
a/n: take the warnings seriously and look after yourselves pls <3
as much as you knew you needed jessie, there was no way you were going to allow yourself to hold onto her so tightly. it was a repeated and ongoing cycle that you had been trapped in for years now and it seemed to only be getting worse.
“we can’t be together anymore” you murmur into your half empty cup “i can’t do it”
jessie sits across from you with her mouth agape. “if i’ve done something wrong i can fix it” she says, her voice cracking slightly as she pleads “this can be fixed, let. me. fix. it.”
a heaviness settles behind your eyes as you shake your head “there’s nothing to fix. i’m sorry”
it was as easy as walking out the door and leaving her sitting in her kitchen alone. the bag of your things had weighed your shoulder down as you dragged your feet all the way to your car, not once ever looking back in fear of turning around.
it left you here, laying in bed with the curtains drawn and your phone on do not disturb as you stare blankly at the wall. you had become a shell of the person you think you once were, someone who had hobbies and dreams, someone who wanted to build a life worth living. instead you take sick leave so that you don’t have to get out of bed, you let the dishes pile up in the sink when you do decide to eat and you clear a pathway out of your shit on the floor so you can get to your ensuite bathroom.
the numbness that had overtaken you didn’t allow you to cry, no matter how much you think you wanted too. you were drained. there was nothing left for you to give yourself. it was sick, really, the way your brain could play tricks on you and make you believe you weren’t deserving of the life that you have been given. why would you be? there was absolutely nothing to show for it. all you had was a bed with dirty sheets and a brain that told you death was better than anything else you have ever experienced.
your therapist had told you once that because you hadn’t acted on it, it was merely a way for you to cope without committing. a way to wallow, to escape, from a life that you weren’t ever sure you wanted in the first place. she said that people who have depression but don’t kill themselves will fantasise about it but not pick a date or a means to an end.
only, at one point, you had picked a date. you had closed your eyes and twirled your finger in the air before landing on a wednesday two weeks away. you’d marked it with a red dot and then began clearing out things you didn’t want, giving your belongings to charity or throwing them away before neatly organising what you had left. you thought that your family could decide what to do with them. you didn’t care, you were gonna be dead after all.
it was when your coffee machine had finally broken on you that morning did jessie come swinging into your life. you decided to go to a local coffee shop you liked when she pushed the door open too hard and smacked you square in the face. she had gone bright red and apologised profusely, telling you that the door had slipped out of her grip and that she didn’t even see you. you, with a hand pressed firmly to your forehead, had told her that it was okay, that it was just an accident.
maybe it was her smile, or the way her eyes looked when you actually made eye contact, but something about the canadian had stopped you dead in your tracks. she asked if you wanted to sit with her with the promise of not hitting you in the face again, to which you agreed with a laugh. you began telling eachother about yourselves, from where and how you grew up to hobbies and small quirks you had. when the topic of careers had come around you sheepishly told her that you didn’t watch football beyond the odd match when it was already on tv, and she had beamed at you and cheekily said that she’ll make a blue out of you in no time.
you didn’t go through with it, obviously, and jessie still doesn’t know that she quite literally saved your life that day. your relationship with jessie quickly blossomed and bloomed, soon becoming the most grounding thing in your life. jessie showed you that she loved you long before she told you and never once did she make you feel like you weren’t loved, there were just times where you knew you were hard to love.
like in the beginning when you’d practically ghosted her for three days and then came back with a half assed explanation and a bouquet of flowers; or when you’d completely shut her out and pretend like nothing was wrong when she could see the bags under your eyes and the mess around your apartment. you knew that her friends had told her that it wasn’t a good relationship to be in, that maybe you weren’t who she thought you were. she had brushed them off and ran back to you time and time again.
looking back on it you think that maybe it’s because she knew how bad it was getting, like she caught onto your badly kept secret before you even knew you really had one. when you had initially told her about your depression you insisted that you were doing a lot better and that even though you would have times of relapse, it was nothing compared to how it had been in the past.
the lie had kept up until there were things you were too ashamed to explain to her. like why she couldn’t come over or why you looked like you hadn’t had a good night’s sleep in a few weeks. you didn’t know how to tell the footballer that your mental health had sipped out of your control, that you needed help and didn’t know how to ask for it. you didn’t know how to look your own girlfriend in the eye and tell her that you needed her.
that was when you knew it had to end.
when jessie came around to collect her things you just left them in a box outside your front door. you heard her knock but didn’t move from your position as she left with the last pieces of her you had.
she wasn’t stupid, despite the fact that for most of your relationship you clearly thought she was. she noticed the change in your behaviour and how you didn’t go out with friends as much or eat enough. she noticed the late night and even later mornings, the pile of dirty laundry you’d been putting off and the pills you tried to hide.
jessie wasn’t stupid.
when she pleaded to you to fix it, she meant fix you. she wanted you to take the weight off your shoulders and put it on hers because hers are stronger than yours anyway, they can hold more. she wanted you to let her help with the laundry, and to help clean your place. she wanted you to let her wash your hair and make you a good home cooked meal. jessie wanted nothing more than for you to be vulnerable with her, to admit that you needed her just this once.
as much as you adored her, absolutely worshiped the ground she walked on, you weren’t going to do that for her. jessie has a decorated career, one to be proud of, and the last thing she needed was to worry about whether or not you were going to get out of bed in the morning. she didn’t need the extra weight from your baggage dragging her down.
she deserved better, someone who could get up early enough to go for coffee after her morning run, someone who could actually make dinner with her and eat it, someone who didn’t have to create a fucking pathway from their bed to their bathroom because they haven’t cleaned their room in god knows how long. jessie deserved someone worth loving and in your mind, that someone just wasn’t you.
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nunalastor · 2 days
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Radioapple Your Lie in April AU because April's almost over and nobody has brought me this pain, so I'll do it myself.
Lucifer has been suffering from depression since his wife left him and took custody of their daughter. He has slowly begun to rebuild his relationship with Charlie since Lilith's disappearance, but he has yet to come to terms with what happened, and he sees the world only in monochrome without color.
Enter Alastor, who brings color into his life the moment they meet. Unfortunately, they do get off on the wrong foot and don't get along very well initially, but everything changes after the extermination, when Lucifer jumps in to help Alastor fight off some attackers against the hotel, and they slowly become closer...
Until one day, Alastor collapses after a fight side by side with Lucifer against the Vees.
Alastor brushes it off as having an iron deficiency and he hadn't eaten any people in a while, so it wouldn't happen again, but Lucifer knows something is seriously wrong. He doesn't push the matter at first, he is too grateful for the friendship Alastor brings and doesn't want to push his boundaries. He doesn't want to lose Alastor like he lost Lilith. But when Alastor collapses again, this time not even showing up to a battle, Lucifer has to pry.
Turns out during the extermination, Alastor was struck by Adam's blade. He has been able to hide it and fight off the injury, but the holy elements of the weapon have been infecting him like a disease, eating away at his very being and not even his own powers can stop it anymore. He manages to hide the strain at first, but when he gets the prognosis that unless something is done, he is going to die, he becomes more irritable overall.
Lucifer begins to spiral all over again. He wants to help Alastor, but the infection has spread so much he doesn't think he alone can do it, and it reminds him of how he failed Lilith and it caused her to leave. His mental health taking a turn allows an opening for Roo to appear, and the hotel gets notice that she plans to attack the hotel as well.
Charlie spoke to heaven about the situation with Alastor, and because he sustained the injury fighting against their genocide, aka he was the righteous one in the situation, Emily is able to overpower Sera's opinion and agree to set up a surgery for Alastor to extract any of the angelic power remaining and save his life. Unfortunately, this surgery is very dangerous, and it would have to happen on the same day Roo is estimated to attack.
Lucifer agrees to go into the fight alone, praying that when he got back Alastor would be in recovery, but halfway through the fight, a ghostly image of Alastor appears by his side and is able to fight alongside him. This was Alastor, but the way he was here... Lucifer knew what had happened, begging Alastor to stay as they win the fight, but he has no choice but to watch Alastor disappear forever, with only a final whisper to him.
"Goodbye."
Alastor died from complications during the surgery, and because of the angelic weapon poisoning him, he was gone for good. Lucifer didn't need to be told the news, but he didn't come out of his room for a long time after that.
But it's while he's making more ducks to cope that he finds a letter hidden among his duck-making supplies. The letter was from Alastor, written the same day he had told Lucifer about the surgery. He had known he was likely going to die, and decided to tell Lucifer everything, about who he was, why he came to the hotel to help Charlie, and most importantly that he had fallen in love with Lucifer and wanted him to be happy.
Lucifer uses that as the strength he needs to continue on and stay alongside his daughter, but he would never forget about Alastor. He would never be able to see another spring without him, and he would always wish he had told Alastor he loved him too.
(Yes I know, given their assigned instruments the roles would be the other way around, but this felt more fitting since how the hell would Lucifer get terminally ill.)
👀
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khaire-traveler · 1 day
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🌲 Subtle Pan Worship 🌿
Take a walk/hike in nature
Take regular breaks from screens; get some fresh air
Go camping out in nature; focus on the wildlife around you; look at the constellations at night
Learn how to safely forage
Get a candle that reminds you of him (no altar needed)
Keep a picture of him in your wallet
Wear jewelry that reminds you of him
Pick wild flowers; press or dry them
Start a garden; tend to a plant
Decorate your space with vines, leaves, and the like; maybe fairy lights with bugs, flowers, or mushrooms on them
Have imagery of fauns, goats, forests, meadows, pan flutes, sheep, wildflowers, or mountains around
Have a stuffed sheep or goat animal; have a stuffed animal of any forest, meadow, or mountain creatures
When you're anxious or afraid, go to the forest or to nature; spend time outside, and breathe; you will be ok
Learn about local fauna and flora
Collect animal bones from nature (please thank the animal's spirit beforehand); make sure to safely handle them; link to some safety tips when handling fleshy remains
Cook with homegrown herbs or produce
Drink a natural herbal or produce beverage; fruit juice works but has high sugar content, so just be aware in case that's an issue for you
Fall asleep/meditate to the sounds of a forest or general wilderness
Pick up trash in your environment
Support environmental preservation organizations, animal sanctuaries, or animal shelters/rescues
Feed neighborhood dogs, cats, birds, etc.
Volunteer at an animal sanctuary or animal shelter
Go outside of your comfort zone; if you're afraid of doing something, do it scared; it could work out far more beautifully than you ever imagined
Learn how to play panpipes; own panpipes in general
Light a bonfire with friends in the wilderness (SAFELY!!!!); share scary stories, especially those y'all have directly experienced
Plant seeds, especially the fruit of vegetables you've eaten; give it new life
Research coping skills for stress, fear, or anxiety; try some for yourself
Keep a dream journal specifically dedicated to nightmares; try to interpret them; what are they trying to tell you?
Explore the areas nearby you, be it nature or otherwise; acquaint yourself with the unfamiliar
Get comfortable with the concept of the unknown and uncertainty; remind yourself that you need not know everything in order for it to work out in your favor
Address the uncertainties in your life that cause you the most stress; find your own answers; topics like death, the afterlife, the long-term future, etc.
Play with your pets; spend time with them
Keep your pet healthy; feed them good food, take them on regular walks/exercise them, keep them up to date on vaccines, etc.
Do something fun and new with your partner (or alone); try something exciting or scary that you've always wanted to try
Use natural herbs and remedies to address minor health issues, such as stomaches or sore throat
Try urban exploring - the practice of visiting abandoned places, especially those that have been reclaimed by nature
Face your fears; learn to work through them
Recycle; reuse things that don't need to be immediately disposed of; use compost for your garden or nearby plants
Take time to be alone and decompress, especially after a long day
Cook a good meal for someone in need
Cook a good meal for you or your loved ones
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This list still feels pretty short to me, so I'll likely add more in the future. For now, this is my list of discreet ways to worship Pan. I hope this is helpful to someone, and take care! 💚
Link to Subtle Worship Master list
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umbraticstickerz · 2 days
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Content warning for talking about nsfw topics and mention of suibaiting
I use the term 'schizo' here as a shortening of 'schizophrenia' this is just for ease of writing as I'm mentally exaughsted. I do not condone people using the term 'schizo' if they're not schizophrenic.
Okay I'm far calmer now but I feel this needs to be stated because I genuinely can't believe so many are tolerating this behavior.
Minors SHOULD NOT be posting kink art, at all. Especially they shouldn't be showing it to other minors regardless of if the work is 'sfw'.
The fact I've seen several people tolerating a minor making inflation and weight gain content and calling those against it fatphobic genuinely disgusts me. A person is not fat phobic for criticizing a kid making kink content.
The excuse that it was just comfort stuff doesn't work either because not only were hastags for the kinks themselves used, but an art piece reposted on that account was actual genuine fat fetish artwork. Terms like Vore, and talking about wanting to make a vore piece were also mentioned. Vore is inherently a kink and exclusively a kink for being eaten alive. Kinks themselves can be coping mechanisms so trying to claim it is such doesn't change that it was kink content. Regardless you would've been actively putting yourself in harms way for creeps who did view it sexually to interact with you.
Lilith you, and your friends, actively were harassing Haz for criticizing(justifiably) vaguely what you were doing. I especially do not like how you actively tried to paint an anonymous person sending asks that can be literally anyone, hell can literally be you because you can send anon asks to yourself, as if the Anon was Haz with literally 0 proof. I'm genuinely pissed that you only apologized to me, which you did after I made it clear to you I DO NOT WANT an apology from you as I WOULD NOT forgive you. I especially won't forgive you after you attempted to suibaited me to attempt to guilt me into forgiving you. The timing of that post being MINUTES after I told you explicitly to leave me alone for like the 5th time and that I just calmed down from a panic attack makes me come to that conclusion that was what you were actively doing.
I could genuinely be misinterpreting but this is still how that came off.
I am schizophrenic, I'm public about this fact, you knew this fact. For those who don't know, Schizo is not just seeing things. Its a disorder that severe paranoia, delusions, etc. Stress induced episodes are possible.
Your actions already triggered my paranoia really badly. Especially after the suibaiting, Suicide is already a massive trigger for me.
I genuinely cannot believe some of you are supporting a person who actively already harassed one person and spread a blatant lie about them, that posting fetish content knowing it will be seen as such, but also actively was triggering a person's mental disorder ignoring the person's pleads to be left alone.
Also DO NOT blame Haz for me finding your kink account for fucks sake. Haz was not why or how I found it, I found it because YOU reblogged it onto your OWN MAIN BLOG. Stop blaming Haz for literally everything. Quit acting like you're some victim in this situation. And get my god damn name out of your mouth. I'm not speaking about this any further and will go back to regularly posting after this. I only made this because this seriously needs to be addressed and y'all need to quit condoning this behavior especially since I know at least some of you are my same age or close to it. Deer Ragdoll you are not exempt either which is why this is being posted on twitter too, I know you're still on your accounts just because you deleted your tumblr doesn't mean I don't know you have a Twitter and can't see that you're still retweeting things. You both need to be held accountable for this genuinely disgusting behavior.
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I just wrote 8,000 words in two days. My brain is liquid. My thoughts are mush. :D
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likeabitchylamb · 8 months
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I was wondering more about the very interesting choice for the show runners to have the time on the train reflect real life. There are many shows, movies, and books that all decide to have the "adventure dimension" on a different time scale as the real world. Like in Narnia. where irl times freezes, allowing the children to grow into adulthood and then return to their children-selves when they exit the wardrobe. Infinity train doesn't do that. The amount of time that passes on the train is exactly the amount of time that passes in the real world. THAT is very interesting! It got me thinking about the aftermath of being on the infinity train, and the possibilities of that.
There's the inherent angst of people going missing for weeks, months, and even years, and not really being open about where they were. Maybe they try explaining, but since "a magic train took me" is an insane answer to "where did you go for [weeks, months, years]", it ends up just causing arguments. Depending on the circumstances, it could go away. And you time on the train just a Weird Time in your life that only you know about, and your loved ones are sad to think that you won't let them in. Maybe you went missing for years, and in a dramatic twist, the search for you spread across the country. One of those missing children's cases that make True Crime Podcast hosts excited to make a new episode. You're a cold case. Presumed dead. Maybe you try to return home, but find that your family left. they moved, or died, or who knows? How long were you even gone? Do you know? You have no life. In some cases, you grew up on the train. You don't remember how the real world works. You talk to animals, expecting them to respond.
Take this to an even further extreme: do you try to go back? You had friends there, and even a life. Sure, it would be dangerous, but the real world isn't your home anymore. Research on the train leads to dead ends. Nobody knows what you're talking about when you ask about a train that "goes on forever and had magical cars that can have anything in them." Or maybe-
There is a less angsty option, in my mind, where the internet allows people to talk about these things in blog posts and diaries, and as news gets around with stories like "all the child said was a magic train picked them up and they met a talking dog who helped them", more and more people start connecting and talking about the train. Maybe they have a forum. They meet friends. They start this sort of underground group of people who all visited the train because "Finally! Someone Understands Me."
It's just- the aftermath of the train. You go home after seeing all this stuff and what? You're supposed to be NORMAL? No, I refuse. I wouldn't be normal.
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...Do you ever think about how Sonic truly is the only person who cares about Nine now?
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lanaevyssmoved · 6 months
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something something gale calling his new partner a goddess something something devotion akin to worship something something profound heresy ........ do you see
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making 14 and yaz face each other has led to yaz having her own 10/12-like "it's not fair!" breakdown and honestly? here for it. doctorification highs lead to doctorification lows
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They hadn’t had the time to think about it. Impulse, Tango, Etho, rushing from one place to another. Always hunted, always chased. Never a moment of peace, of reflection, of silence.
But night fell, and silence returned. The Clockers retreated, no more sounds of TNT. Truly, a moment of silence.
Impulse retreated to his room. He needed some time on his own; not that he’d openly admit it to either Tango or Etho. He just left them with a forced satisfied smile and a half-hearted “see you tomorrow” that neither of them followed up on. They didn’t try to stop him, or question him while he clearly took the wrong path to his room.
He wasn’t consciously thinking about his route. He just ended up at Skizz’s door.
His hand hovered in the air. He hadn’t the strength to pull it back, or to open the door. It felt wrong, somehow.
It was his own wish. Skizz couldn’t continue, he was running out of time. Etho needed more time, and with what little time he had left, Skizz organized his own farewell. He handed Etho the axe that would claim his life. He turned away and bowed his head, waiting for that blow.
And then he was gone.
Impulse could barely watch. Even if his eyes were trained on Skizz the entire time, it was all a messy blur through the tears he couldn’t fight.
If he hadn’t been so selfish…
Stop that. Impulse couldn’t have offered him some of his time, not even as Skizz’s timer ticked down. With such little time left, you’re bound to become selfish.
Everyone but Skizz. He didn’t go out for another attempt at a few more minutes, as others have already done when they jumped from yellow to red, or even green to yellow. Skizz wasn’t concerned with slaying others; he was concerned about his friends.
What was it that he always said?
Life’s too short. We’ve gotta make the most of it.
“Gotta make the most of it…” Impulse mumbled under his breath. How could he do that, with three and a half hours on the clock? When every desperate attempt could end in him losing more time than he’d gained?
And what for? To win more time and prolong the suffering?
At least Skizz no longer suffered.
Impulse looked at the door. “I miss you, buddy.”
He finally allowed himself to grieve.
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lastoneout · 6 months
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Today's appointment was fun.
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incidentalblr · 1 year
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i finished it!!!! javert putting on drag + malewife jean <333
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fl0ralsex · 4 months
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can everyone just leave me be in my grief and feeling. stop expecting me to be anything other than forlorn. i’ll go back to being able to offer a more pleasant and palatable affect soon but just give me time to be this so i can move through it. if no one is able to hold me in it right now, i need to be able to hold myself. and for that i need both my arms and i can extend nothing.
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autisticlee · 5 months
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sometimes I think about how I was legitimately the most hated and bullied kid in my entire class, and probably entire school. I knew this as a fact. there was nothing I could do about it. not just by the kids either, but the teachers/staff as well. all because I was autistic and unable to speak and they didn't want to treat me decently. and I ask why. (rhetorically of course, because I know all the excuses given as answers)
being an autistic kid and knowing damn well this is true, that you're the most hated person in the entire building with not a single person on your side, knowing you're the main target for everyone's aggression every day, is....truly something. you know. like carrying the weight of everyone's hatred and negativity on your back alone, being their punching bag, internalizing their hatred for then. from ages 4 to 18. nonstop. never getting better. never knowing why. not being able to stop it. never getting any help. on your own and alone. blamed for it all.
yet i'm simply told to "get over it/stop caring" and get blamed for it fucking me up and having a lasting effect. lmao ok. let me just forget more than half my life existed at this point and magically get better! thanks!
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strangleetomz · 1 year
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i am just like
not ok
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