#like I KNOW having a routine would help

[baldurs-gate-official]

Thinking about how Astarion insisted on staying up to keep watch in the beginning of the game

Yeah, it could be because he needs to go hunt at night without anyone noticing, or because he's keeping an eye out for Cazador/his minions. But... It could also be because he's scared of sleeping/trancing in general?

He's got severe C-PTSD. I have that too. And one of the things I experience from it is a fear of falling asleep.

Sleeping is vulnerability. You're completely defenseless. It's terrifying to fall asleep when you're used to danger! And some abusers will purposefully do things to you when you sleep. I wouldn't put it past Cazador to have done something like that.

It's especially terrifying when you're sleeping somewhere unfamiliar, or as out and open as a forest. With strangers.

Add in the elvish reverie (if we assume Astarion still experiences it as he would if he were alive at his current age)... and he might even be reliving horrible memories every time he tries to rest.

(If you're unfamiliar with elvish trancing/dreaming, I made a post about it and some ways it might affect Astarion as a vampire spawn a while ago)

One of the reasons I think this could be the case is actually the other spawn, specifically what I noticed when we first meet Dalyria and Petras. At first I thought Astarion's eye bags were just a product of being undead. But... Petras, the very human looking spawn, doesn't have that. Dalyria is an elf as well, and like Astarion, she's got some of that tired sleep-deprived purple under and around her eyes.

So all this considered... I think it's very possible that Astarion has a fear of sleeping too. Or at the very least, trouble resting. Him and the other elvish spawn.

It also makes me wonder if he sleeps any better later on in the game. By Act 3 he probably feels more comfortable with you and the group. Sleeping near familiar people (especially people you're very comfortable with, but that's very dependant on your own choices in your game), and having established night time routines can make sleeping feel a little safer.

Plus by that point he's made many new memories he can visit in his reverie. Maybe instead of remembering the terrible things, sometimes he dreams of sun bathing, the first time he bit you or that bear, or any other happy memory he's created since being tadpoled.

Maybe for the first time in centuries, sleeping isn't such a terrible prospect.

#bg3 #astarion #text post #its just something thats been on my mind #my fear of sleep is bad enough that i usually cant fall asleep without pushing myself to the point of passing out #or sometimes i need to take a sedative just to manage it #so i wonder how bad it is for him given that he doesnt have the option of sedation #it makes for some interesting headcanons/ideas though #pretty sure a druidic Tav can offer to put together an herbal tea to help him sleep #what if that sort of thing worked and it became a nightly routine? #i assume he can drink tea given that he can drink alcohol #or if you've romanced him #would sleeping near Tav help? #i know sometimes its easier for me to sleep when im around someone im comfortable with #though sometimes it has the opposite effect and it makes it harder to sleep because i feel like i need to be extra alert to protect them #trauma really does a number on you #act 3 spoilers #bg3 act 3 spoilers #astarion spoilers #bg3 spoilers #q

[birdingbutch]

this is the year I get a dog (manifesting) 🫡

#going to officially start volunteering at rhe shelter near me next month #so i can get more experience around dogs & help build a routine around them! #prepping for maybe a late summer/fall adoption... if we find a dog we're a good fit for! #also already have a name in mind (Fisher) but of course who knows! #Fisher would be derived from 'Kingfisher' #coming up with other bird related named... Blue for GBH #Ruby like RWBY (banding code for red winged blackbird)

[carpathxanridge]

won’t comment this on the same post because it’s probably not what they want to hear rn but i know that some people HAVE “cured” their CFS, or rather have been able to manage it and return to moderate activity levels, by essentially “gradually building stamina.” but the approach and mentality behind the pacing approach is SOOO different than what the average person assumes “gradually building stamina” must look like, and always errs on the side of MINIMUM activity because of the seriousness of PEM. like it sucks to have the 3 mile walks you were once accustomed to suddenly make you bedridden the next day. that’s why pacing would mean, for a very long period of time, going on… a five minute walk, if that’s where you’re at. a one minute walk around your living space a few times a day. or ten seconds of standing, if completely bedridden. but if you’re not bedridden and are doing things around the house, even just if sitting up to work at a computer, pacing ALSO means laying down flat and having a full body rest multiple times a day, scheduled throughout the day. it means not just allowing rest, but ENFORCING it. the barrier to people with CFS slowly building their stamina back up is usually this idea that part of that endeavor involves willpower, that if you can just will it hard enough, try harder, the CFS will go away. how could you possibly need MORE rest when you’re doing nothihg? when this mentality is the opposite of what CFS needs. people who’ve successfully gotten their old lives “back” after CFS have done it by respecting PEM, erring on the side of caution, being so gentle with themselves and careful not to send themselves into a flare-up.

#i don’t have a CFS diagnosis #but dealing rn for a very long time with mystery chronic pain and fatigue #of which PEM is an aspect #and which has responded to pacing #i know what it’s like for the walks you once enjoyed and which once gave you energy #to suddenly be The Activity that day #and potentially make you insanely fatigued the next day #like since starting college again #i structure my entire day around MINIMIZING the amount of activity i do #even if it means more limited food options in my area of campus #even if it’s a nice day and i want to go on an actual hike! i know the next day i’ll be completely bedridden and in immense pain #even if the PT is telling me how badly i need to build muscle and strengthen my joints #i KNOW but it’s just impossible to sustain any kind of exercise routine that would accomplish anything more than #maintaining my current levels of strength and mobility #but it’s actually not truly impossible #but rather—i cannot have the exercise routine of an unfit but otherwise healthy adult trying to get back into shape #it’s the suuuuper low impact unweighted strength exercises #that actually help me #but also with all of my workload and just the burden on my body of walking to get around campus #i struggle with consistency #and have had so many flare ups #that if i didn’t give myself grace to not be pushing and pushing to make strength gains #then i’d truly fall apart

[professionaljester]

love being 25 and not knowing how to socialize bc i’m autistic and off putting and cringe so no one wanted to talk to me/wanted to be my friend growing up so now i’m an adult with very few friends or ppl i talk to on a regular basis bc i never learned how to socialize or text properly bc no one taught me how

#abc shut it #vent #i’m so lonely it’s not even funny #my talking to myself has just gotten worse in the past few months alone #i just want some friends i can do watch parties with and play games with damn it #i’m so bored and lonely all the time #my life has just been work sleep and chores and it’s driving me insane bc i have nothing breaking up the routine #like it doesn’t help no one texted me bc i was poor and had didn’t get a smart phone until is was basically too late :) #like i know part of it is the depression but #idk i just don’t do anything when i get home #sometimes i do art sometimes i game but usually i just lose track of time staring at tumblr and the next thing i know my few hours— #after work are gone and i have to go to bed #like don’t get my wrong i LOVE my coworkers but i need some more friends within my own age bracket #like is it to much to ask for a group of friends that will watch anime and movies with me in our own discord server #like is that literally to much to fucking ask of the universe can i be allowed to feel like an actual normal human being that’s connected #to the human experience for once in my fuckkng life #and not feel like some sort out outlier that doesn’t fucking exist to anyone #i’m to a point where i think and feel like i’m not even real! lol #like idk i would just like there to not to be days where i literally don’t communicate with anyone #and know what to say when ppl DO text me bc when ppl do text me i half the time don’t even know what to say #and forget the message is there and get to scared to reply after too much time has passed like #i know it’s a me problem that therapy would help but im terrified that it won’t #that i’ll just be going therapy and still be a lonely autisic looser who doesn’t know how to communicate without being off putting #or being too much

[yourfriendphoenix]

I took 9100 steps today!!! I feel so powerful

#phoenix speaks #for reference during my old routine on a day off I would get like a max of 1500. thats if i was extra active #i think things are looking up for me! #btw just so everyone knows this isnt for me to lose weight idgaf its because i have type 2 diabetes and need to be more active #and luckily for me i have a very supportive family who goes on these walks too #to be fair almost everyone with me has their own reasons to walk too #my moms got gastroparesis and it helps her digest food #my dad also has diabetes #my sister just enjoys it #and my nephew likes to see the animals and stuff around

[0bsc3ne]

bitching abt my partner again so i can get it out of my system and not let it fester

had a Discussion yesterday and i said how i didn't like that i, someone who naturally wakes up early and has to go to bed around 11-midnight to get decent sleep, have been spending the last few months either sleep deprived or forced to use sleeping pills to sleep, when he sleeps in til fucking noon, even on the two days we both have off and can, yk, spend time doing things in the morning together, and then he complains that we never do anything outside (bc we live in florida. anything after noon is just a fucking sauna.)

anyways. i ask if he can start waking up earlier. he says he'll wake up at 10 today. i go, ok, thank you, but what does that prove? that you can do it once? i've been changing my schedule for months. i want to hear that you'll try to do it consistently. (And 10 isn't early anyways, but i didn't say that). he insists he's going to do it. makes sure i see him set an alarm in front of me and everything. so anyways. 10:01 i get a text that he's going to sleep a little more.

man.

#i also asked him to wash his hair more often bc he has REALLY nice long hair but its always fuckin greasy #unless he has some formal performance or i ask him to wash it #and he said hed wash it tonight and like. thanks. but like. can you maybe stsrt doing it without reason or me having to ask you #like a fucking toddler #anyways my hopes arent high #and its so fuckign pathetic that ill be thrilled if i come over to see him and its washed #honestly. #every day im closer and closer to just. breaking up #i love him. i reqlly do #but i think i love what he could be more than what hes actually willing to be #and its so upsetting #bc its judt. #if he says he wants me to do something #i fucking do it #i got a fucking minimum wage soulsucking job bc he said he thought having more steady income and a routine would help me #and it does. but he also complains now when i have to sleep at 9pm so i can get up for morning shifts #but he also complains when i work during the times he has off #and its not like. a controlling way at all. for the record. trust me on that #its just the like. Frustrating way. like suck it up and cope buttercup i am the one who is dealing with more right now. #in that situation at least #this got long but #you see my point #its just. so upsetting. #and again. i love him #i do #hes great in so many aspects and he has the same goals and its all so Good #but. god. fuck. #is this really what i want to deal with for the rest of my life when i know i can be perfectly happy and fulfilled in life without a partne

[running-in-the-dark]

and it just occurred to me that when we move, I might try to find a new therapist. there might be one/a few right in the town we're moving to (I haven't checked), but we'll be really close to a city then. so I could get there regularly (maybe. it's very scary but maybe I can manage it). so. I should probably do that? maybe find someone who'll like.... do more than just accept that I've got social anxiety (because that's what I said when I first saw my previous therapist) and help me figure out the real problem.

#like I mean I. probably have autism or adhd yeah sure. like that's just. I'm just assuming that for now. #but. the thing that really affects me more than anything at this point #is the stupid fucking rules I have to follow because my brain makes them up and I don't have a choice #and the. well everything else that's probably all related to that. #but i don't wanna go there and be like hi I think i might have ocd #because I've been so ashamed of all of this stuff for 20+ years that the thought of talking about it with a person I have to look at and wh #will ask questions about it and then possibly say nope your brain's just really fucked up. #that thought is. so horrifying idk I don't think I could do that #but I struggle with it so much every day that. idk maybe I need to do it anyway? I didn't think I could talk about the social anxiety stuff #either and I did that for years in the end. and it helped a bit. #but idk maybe it's just. pointless? I don't know how to be any other way. I've never not lived like this? I don't remember ever not having #to follow these rules and feeling like I'm disgusting for having bad thoughts and having stupid routines that I have to follow because if I #don't a Bad Thing will happen. but that part got better so maybe it's not that serious anyway and I've just been imagining all of it #because my brain is bad and all of that. #maybe it's fine that I can't touch dirty things and that if I don't tell my husband to drive safe I have to think about him crashing the ca #and it being my fault all day and almost breaking several door handles because I have to check three times if the door is really locked and #it's never enough so it's usually 3x3 times or more. and just. #just. everything I like has to be good and pure and perfect and if it's not and I can't stop myself from liking it anyway I feel disgusting #and guilty and like I'm personally responsible for every bad thing in the world because I just can't be right. #and if I could the bad things would stop #I don't think. that's how people are supposed to think? right? I feel like if everyone spent most of their time thinking about this and #doing everything to make sure they follow these rules then. idk nothing would ever get done? it's just so hard? #but no it's probably just that I'm so bad at handling it and everything is always hard for everyone and no one complains because they're #better at being human. #idk man all I know is this is fucking exhausting and I can't do this for. however many years I'll be alive for. it's been long enough #I'm tired of it #and maybe I shouldn't be on here. maybe it's time to step away again for a while. so much of this messes with my head. I can't handle the #guilt I feel from every stupid post that I saw. oh that's something people argue about? great that's been added to the list of things that #have to feel bad about now. #doesn't matter how much I disagree on a rational level. I don't get to decide. if I know it exists it will bother me. and I can't do it

[glitchbirds]

it took a very long time to get to this point again w/ a lot of internal misery along the way but i think im at a point of being tentatively happy with my art in its current state and how it's improving for the first time since like, community college pre-chronic pain (and arguably the first time Ever wrt digital art)

#txt #i dont actively want to make art for like. Public Consumption really i still want 90% of what i make to be for my eyes only #because forcibly taking that philosophy is the main reason ive been able to settle back into a routine of drawing being regular in my life #i still have a lot i want to learn and get used to (again or for the first time) and am still definitely Struggling in some areas. but. #having fun + playing + experimenting + etc. #artfight is also very helpful so far in terms of like. firm encouragement to finish pieces instead of abandoning things a 3rd of the way in #and also as an outlet FOR art meant to be publicly viewed by others. giving me an excuse to experiment and polish things #while not feeling pressured to do that All The Time either #ofc its not like ive ever been a full time artist or anything esp not on social media. and i know i didnt always feel that pressure #i think one reason that disconnect really started is because before trying digital art i Would just doodle on everything #but with digital art it felt like there was more of a pressure to Make Pieces that Look Good with materials i wasnt familiar w/ yet #SHRUG. idk #i just hope i can stay in this general zone art-wise for a while

[dandyshucks]

i think the simultaneously funniest and most frustrating thing abt my brain when things like this happen is that my brain freezes up a bit and can only think of like "aw gee whiz now xyz mundane thing i had scheduled into today won't happen" like girl WHAT there is shit going down and thats what ur thinking about ???

#in emergency situations where i am able to Do Shit i actually am very good at keeping calm though #and doing what needs to be done #in general in stressful situations where im helping other ppl then im such a good person to have around dhdkdl #this came in handy at two of my past workplaces bc i would be able to just do what needed to be done quickly and efficiently #when things got Bad in those places #but shdksl when it comes to situations where I can't do anything or where i dont Know what needs to be done ... augh #then i just shut down a little bit or go numb at least and my brain automatically starts thinking abt mundane and routine things #girl there is a medical emergency happening !!! (''but we've been through this before. several times over the past few months'' says brain) #example a: i feel a little disappointed that i won't get to do crochet with mother like we had planned #example b: i want to go back to sleep even with this all going on #(i feel awful that this is what brain is thinking about rn dhdkdl but. better than incessantly worrying ig? though im doing that too...) #ah well djdlsl I'll go shower so if anything Really Bad happens then at least im clean and dressed and ready to get over to the hospital #dandy.cmd #vent // #medical tw

[orchideius]

genuinely, when will it end??? I am so tired of being here and I am not sure how much longer I can push myself to keep going. i’m exhausted.

#it’s 4am and I am feeling the Deep Darkies #I literally passed out at 9pm from mental exhaustion & also bc I wanted to start to get up early to start a morning routine #so I actually got a ton of sleep but the second I woke up I felt like I wanted to cry and now I feel so depressed out of no where #like girl WHYYYY #genuinely I am so debilitatingly depressed I have suicidal thoughts every single day #and I feel like ive tried everything to help myself like ive been to therapy ive been on and off meds for over a decade at this point #im starting to eat better and sleep more #like what the duck else do I do? #I genuinely feel like my brain is broken #I just want to cry and lay in bed every single day #like I cannot articulate the profound sadness into words but it’s. so bad #and it takes literally all my brain power to do one assignment a day for class like none of this is sustainable #and I just feel so much shame over it bc whenever I tell my mom she gets mad like it effects her or something and the few times ive made th #mistake of trying to confide in my dad he gave me the whole pull yourself up by the bootstraps talk so never again lol #my entire family has made me feel so much shame over it and none of my friends here even bother to ask how I feel and don’t make me feel #comfortable enough to talk to bc i’m always the fucking therapist friend helping everyone else #hence why I always vent on here lol I have no one to talk to #I just really don’t know what to do at this point like I feel like I need inpatient therapy at this point but that’s expensive and I don’t #want to tell my job why i’d need extended time off bc that would be so embarrassing and plus now i’m in school #so like what do I do #im tired of feeling like this I know this isn’t how life is supposed to be but it’s also all ive ever known #and what’s the point of living if i’m going to feel like this everyday? I don’t know how much longer I can take it #personal

[bluebellhairpin]

Been chasing the snake so I can ask it why it bit me, rather than trying to get help for the venom.

#this is like a metaphor #for my abandonment issues #about how ive held onto this pain for so long thinking one day id get answers or an apology #when really the best thing for me would be to just let it go #but its so hard to do when you so desperately want to know why this has happened. when you feel so much pain you want to know what caused it #its been so long #i could enter a whole new cricle of personal hell in telling myself i dont even deserve to know why i was always left alone #but i just need to take a deep breath and let it go #and also cry a lot about it #im going to be doing a lot of crying about it #tonight in bed probably #but i have to be quite so no one hears #but the crying helps #and then i imagine someone is there rubbing my back and telling me to breath and then ill get to sleep #see i have this routine down pat #im all set for later

[itstimeforstarwars]

For 2023 I’m getting back into my routines that I gave up on in 2022 and it’s genuinely improving my life which pisses me off.

#chit chat #angry penguin with heart.jpeg #my self help routines are helping my self ugh #habitica is helping me remember to do tasks every day #journaling is helping me not lose the week in a haze of being totally checked out #i started working on the hundred heads project again and that’s...doing something with my art #meditation doesn’t seem to do anything but i like to do it anyway lol #it’s infuriating that this cheesy therapist shit is working #what’s next? building mastery in a new hobby to give myself a sense of accomplishment??? #grrr #i wanna sign up for a beginner ballet class but i don’t know of any for adults in my area #and it would have to be on Sundays and there ain’t nothing here open on sundays tbh #i guess i could sign up for karate or something #the fighting classes are open on sundays

[dexaroth]

i cant believe the day but i finally got a full tower pc. bought it already built and at a considerable discount of some 320 dollars off. its fucking huge and theres so many things going on inside... i was initially planning on choosing the parts myself but finding the graphics card was so hard and everyone else convinced me to just buy it built and honestly? good. id probably have fucked this up so badly by myself

i cant use it yet bc i took too long to buy the monitor that was also on sale and now its regular price -_- tho i managed to find a discount used one for now. well see how that goes since ill get it tomorrow. i tested it on out living room tv and it had some kaspersky thingy open and like thats so cute. i hope they left some treats in the browsing history for me to search through before i wipe it clean

#its a hexer case and wouldnt you guess the front has a hexagonal pattern. so pretty.. #it came with 3 fans installed there too that have a cmyk color style to them and it looks quite neat. im thinking of buying some leds to pu #inside the case to go with my keyboard tho idk if id go that far tbh (< gamer rot is setting in. im not immune to pretty lighting..) #its also got a lot of unused space inside. im thinking of making more sculptures to put in. though idk if thatd be safe for it #bc cold porcelain is glue and water. what if it evaporates inside and suddenly everythings covered in a glue film #i wonder if varnish would help? the transparent nail polish sure didnt do shit it came off like 2 days after sculpting the rw slug sleeping #which like yeah of course. its nail polish. but i didnt expect it to flake since all it does is sleep on top of my laptop keyboard #i need miniature glass cake cover tops to encapsule every sculpture inside for safety #looking at it still no wonder these are called towers gotdamn its legit so huge.. #it looks awkward tho bc i cant fully make it glue to the wall bc of the cables so its like. awkwardly a bit in front of the wall #im scaared as to how to tell if it ever gets too hot. on a laptop u just press ur head against the left half and feel how hot it is #i think im gonna need software for this.. sigh. tho maybe ill never get to that point since its supposed to be decent #AND its not 8 years old + the 3 fans and gpu fan and cpu fan. surely thats enough. the case even has space for more than that!! #the acrylic side reflects my keyboard too. so niceys. stimulation for my creature eyes #my desk is gonna be so fucked up when i have to organize everything too bc the one i have now is perfecly laptop-oriented #it sits on a custom wooden desk and the keyboard+drawing tablet sit below. but theres a shelf on top of my desk thats too low for the> #>normal monitor to sit to so i wont be able to use the custom desk. and i dont even know what ill do with my laptop either #finally a good change in my sad life routine fr. i cant wait to play watchdogs on this and overgrowth and other ones #AND LAGLESS KRITA SMUDGE ENGINE BRUSHES!!! AND DOUBLE BRUSHES. THEYRE SO LAGGY #A N D ACTUAL FULL HD NORMAL MONITOR. maybe that will get me to not draw in small canvases anymore #now im anxious i just want the day to be over to get the monitor tomorrow aouugh.. just bc i started coding my resources neocities page #dextxt #<the 'major life events' ((sorta)) tag returns. one for the books.. if something bad happens.. itll be here to remind me of the good times

[whimsyprinx]

people with food allergies/intolerances have a very close relationship with hubris

#whimsy whispers #aka me #i routinely forget I’m lactose intolerant but even if I remember I’ll still have dairy knowing I don’t have meds on me #or in simply too lazy to take meds #‘I’ll be fine’ I am hardly ever fine #the other day I had a small plate of macaroni and it killed me I wanted to die #ppl with dietary restrictions make some noise #this is also directed at my friends who are lactose intolerant as well and my friends with gluten intolerance god help us #it’s tough out here for people who like eating things that they shouldn’t eat TwT #i hate it like my ex coworkers at dollar tree would run by McDonald’s or we’d do a group order and they wouldn’t let me buy a mocha frappe #LIKE I HAVE MEDS ON ME GIVE ME THE COFFEE OR ILL CRY AT MY REGISTER #do you want this? do y’all want me to cry over a coffee in the middle of this dollar tree cause I’ll do it? #and like y’all can’t stop me from buying one of the coffees we sell you’ll just be stopping me from having the coffee I really want #the audacity of people to try and stop me from having dairy #‘aren’t you lactose intolerant?’ what are you a cop? mind your fucking business #I’m so picky and it so happens that most the foods I like have freaking dairy #and there is vegan cheese but we bought some once and made pizza and it had the mostly off putting sticky texture and I’m so sad #i want to have dairy free cheese but not if it’s gonna have the most off putting texture ever #like I’ll either suffer or pray I remmeber I’m lactose intolerant and take meds #cause like again I genuinely forget and ppl like to ask how I forget #firstly I’m just that forgetful so jot that down and secondly I wasn’t always lactose intolerant #god saw me as a twleve year old and was like lol watch this and made it so I couldn’t enjoy dairy without suffering #same thing happened to my roommate recently so we suffer together #now we keep lactose meds on us at all times as do other ppl just in case #we also have some in the car just in case #i have six pills in my bag rn #it’s in my makeshift first aid kit 💖 #the meds are kicking in I must sleep if the universe will permit it