#and know what to say when ppl DO text me bc when ppl do text me i half the time don’t even know what to say

[comas-are-for-sleeping]

its so mindboggling that people can go “how can you say free palestine if you’re queer” as if the opinions a person has changes the validity of their life??? yall sound real similar to the people saying trans people are a danger to society

#like how can you seperate that #mass murder of a group based on something they habe zero control over is wrong full stop #stg though i see this So Much and it makes zero sense #yeah ok i dont like the values the far right holds but i dont think they should all die? #and like also completely disregards even the *possibility* that there are queer ppl in palestine? #So Interesting to me bc as soon as you can depersonalize ot suddenly you side with the oppressors #i just actually cant stop thinking abt this #like how can you say ‘trans rights’ and then turn around and ignore the bombing of hospitals #how can you say ‘equal rights’ for any marginalized community while not seeing this as a genocide #whats different? #genuinely what is different #yall literally sound like the transphobes trying to say most people regret transitioning when there’s overwhelming evidence this isnt true #like holy texts didnt matter when they were used against gay ppl but now you use it as justification for the mass slaughter of palestinians #obviously not to say the bible actually said any shit against gay people but like. yall fr #since when have we let people’s *interpretation* of holy texts validate murder #what is different #i know im prolly preaching to the choir and also im lowkey terrified of this reaching an audience that disagrees #bc i am not prepared to come up w evidence based arguments #i do not have time for that #rambles

[professionaljester]

love being 25 and not knowing how to socialize bc i’m autistic and off putting and cringe so no one wanted to talk to me/wanted to be my friend growing up so now i’m an adult with very few friends or ppl i talk to on a regular basis bc i never learned how to socialize or text properly bc no one taught me how

#abc shut it #vent #i’m so lonely it’s not even funny #my talking to myself has just gotten worse in the past few months alone #i just want some friends i can do watch parties with and play games with damn it #i’m so bored and lonely all the time #my life has just been work sleep and chores and it’s driving me insane bc i have nothing breaking up the routine #like it doesn’t help no one texted me bc i was poor and had didn’t get a smart phone until is was basically too late :) #like i know part of it is the depression but #idk i just don’t do anything when i get home #sometimes i do art sometimes i game but usually i just lose track of time staring at tumblr and the next thing i know my few hours— #after work are gone and i have to go to bed #like don’t get my wrong i LOVE my coworkers but i need some more friends within my own age bracket #like is it to much to ask for a group of friends that will watch anime and movies with me in our own discord server #like is that literally to much to fucking ask of the universe can i be allowed to feel like an actual normal human being that’s connected #to the human experience for once in my fuckkng life #and not feel like some sort out outlier that doesn’t fucking exist to anyone #i’m to a point where i think and feel like i’m not even real! lol #like idk i would just like there to not to be days where i literally don’t communicate with anyone #and know what to say when ppl DO text me bc when ppl do text me i half the time don’t even know what to say #and forget the message is there and get to scared to reply after too much time has passed like #i know it’s a me problem that therapy would help but im terrified that it won’t #that i’ll just be going therapy and still be a lonely autisic looser who doesn’t know how to communicate without being off putting #or being too much

[raayllum]

Gosh yes, your tags on that last post. Like, I don’t blame people for liking Viren, for enjoying his character, for finding him sympathetic (or attractive, even if I personally don’t). He’s a compellingly written character! But don’t be offended if people hate him or find him evil… he’s the villain, that’s literally his role in the story

"How dare this villainous character do villainous things" / "how dare the protagonist get narratively rewarded for making good choices" like do y'all even hear yourselves sometimes, y'know?

especially when - and i cannot stress this enough - tdp is for children and will ultimately have a happy ending. this isn't a grown up drama or tragedy or even a grimdark fantasy by any means. it's a hopepunk high fantasy story. people who further retaliation and violence and push people into inherently defensive positions are the 'bad guys'

like i love viren! i think he's very well written and interesting. he's a great examination of how we can lie to and martyr ourselves in a search for security that is also about status & wanting to feel special, about the harm done when trying to win a rigged system rather than solidarity in tearing a system down and making a new one. i appreciate his dry/deadpan sense of humour. he's also one of two primary antagonists in the first 3 seasons. and like, all that can coexist? it's multifaceted character writing? we all presumably passed grade 10 english class?

i also cannot emphasize the importance of being able to separate audience reaction or response from what a piece of art is actually doing or saying enough. "this story is bad because it was personally upsetting to me" without examples given or analyzed it is not well, analysis, it's just a currently very unfounded opinion. and sometimes stories are supposed to be personally upsetting, so like. you also gotta know your lanes

it's why subjective analysis is very useful but learning structural (objective) analysis is arguably more important. something can be structurally pretty weak but very enjoyable (frozen). something can be abysmal enjoyment wise but very structurally solid (1984, which i'd argue isn't meant to be enjoyed, either). and it's important to know the difference if you want to write actual analysis rather than opinion based stuff. analysis isn't necessarily better than opinion based pieces but analysis is more expansive because it can cover the subjectivity and the objectivity and more. which is precisely why i can read "the iliad" and think "wow that was good" but if i wanted to write an essay on it i'd have to do a lot more thinking because i'm demanding something greater of that artistic experience by virtue of wanting to expand on it

a lot of people take "art for art's sake" as a statement regarding the fact that art - which is inherently symbolic in its construction, even in what meaning we construe to words themselves - doesn't have to mean anything and fighting back claims that art should mean something. but i think of "art for art's sake" is more worthwhile to examine under the lens of "this art doesn't exist for the sake of capitalist consumption, but amid it, or sometimes precisely in spite of it" and like. very few things artistically have zero meaning precisely because meaning is also "what was the reasoning behind this" and if there is none (think a tattoo you got "just because") that's typically a subjective reflection of the creator and still indicative of their personality. sometimes the meaning is meaninglessness (nihilism is still a creation in response to us searching for meaning, after all)

i'm getting into the weeds now but the point is that there's definitely been an upswing in recent years of people thinking opinions = analysis and while that often is the case (particularly if that opinion is expanded upon enough to be grounded in the text and the text's context) it absolutely is not as often actual analysis as people think it is

#the english major strikes again #thanks for asking #i was in the atla fandom casually from 2013 to 2016 and when i say Head Empty fandom dear g o d #and ppl get very butthurty about it y'know? which i think stems from a general anti intellectualism #bc who needs the fucking humanities and History in times of crisis am i right #but like. legitimate experts in their fields do know more than 16 yr olds online who think #the curtains aren't blue for any particular reason #like to engage with a text you have to operate under the assumption that Everything has meaning and then #parse out the patterns and then debate what meanings are being ascribed #how they may be integrated interpreted or completely unintentional b the author but still very much ther #tag ramble #anonymous #i feel like ppl very much shield themselves with their own perceived intellectualism and #i know so many ppl who are significantly smarter than me and i fucking love it bc i get to learn #it's not a threat it's an opportunity #what's that one socrates quote??? 'the first step to knowing is knowing you know nothing' #or something along those lines

[taegularities]

being here has never felt this suffocating.. it feels impossible sometimes to continue

#i wish you'd talked to me about it instead of making a post with screenshots #because that was nothing i did intentionally... i didn't wake up thinking 'i will be racists today' it was a mistake i'm not proud of #i meant my apology and i said i understand when people are offended and that i'm sorry #i know it was wrong and i'm ready to learn from it to not hurt people anymore and idk why it warrants calling me a full racist #and i don't know how you saw that ask bc it was days (or yesterday? idk anymore) ago and you blocked me weeks (months?) ago #you'd have to actively seek that ask out or look through my posts if im blocked for you #and if it wasn't you but someone else who pointed it out for you idk how you guys got to the point of scanning my blog #if i ever hurt anyone im ALWAYS open to talking about it. i remember once using a word wrong and someone pointed it out on anon #and I've never used that word ever since #i would've immediately apologised and deleted that bit too if you'd texted me just one sentence a la 'hey that's so not okay' #and you did the same thing when i went alway last time... never communicating but going against me while so many others reached out to me #if i didn't see anything wrong about this thing now i wouldn't have made that post. im not scared of disagreeing with ppl #and i don't know what you want me to do? i didn't even know M when their thing happened and still felt bad for them.. me or those who are #defending me didn't go against M... how would you think it's the same people? idk man #idk.. i can apologise a 100 times and it won't be okay. and if i don't say anything im dodging the topic it'll never be enough no matter #what i do #reach out to me jords tell me what i can do bc i did NOT mean to ever hurt anyone and im so freaking sorry that i did #<— this msg especially to those who were directly hurt #idk what to do so you stop posting so many screenshots #if you want ppl to stop supporting me then...yeah idk guys stop supporting me — unfollow me it's absolutely okay bc i know that was #uneducated af of me #to all sweet ppl who reached out thank you i see your messages #i'll see all those that'll come too.. i just wont answer so no one drags y'all #thank you that's it #go ahead and screenshot this too. i can't do anything else anymore #also.. the only parts i edited in my apology were 'i didn't mention japanese' and 'i dont feel superior' which i did after waking up cos #my post was made at 5am after randomly waking up during the night #edit: stop sending my friends asks saying i deserved this. i never told anyone to defend me.. they CHOSE it and they're allowed to #that's it... thank you guys and ily #ill brb. not too long just a bit

[pepprs]

i know i need to shut up abt it esp bc i don’t know for sure if i actually got exposed to covid but like. it’s just so fucking frustrating and terrifying. not just in the case of covid but with other things too like driving. you can take every precaution to keep yourself and the people around you safe but all it takes is one selfish careless asshole who can negate that in a heartbeat and ruin your life or maybe even end it in some circumstances. lol

#purrs #ask to tag #complete and utter despair about it all. i feel like such a freak for telling everyone to be safe and be careful all the time but this world #is so fucking scary and we are so fucking helpless. how can i not cast out this desperate fucking plea. this prayer. that harm will not #befall you even if it’s something as small as a drive to the store or a trip to a new place. i just live in fear of the people i love #getting hurt all the time and of myself getting hurt. and covid is fucking scary because we still don’t fuckng know how bad it is really or #what it can do to you in the long term and there’s no way to know if you have it until you find out you have it bc this fucking nightmare #country gutted all the covid infrastructure so it’s like. it’s just really bad. im so scared. ive been so proud of myself lately bc i feel l #like even though im still not doing great ive been less miserable and anxious like a couple months ago i was having breakdowns almost daily #and i feel like ive been getting better and this just has thrown me so bad. there are other things going on too ofc so i know im reacting #really strong but like. throwback to all the asks i just answered where anons were like idk how you even function witb the amount of anxiety #you carry with you all the time and i was reading that like but not anymore! and it turns out… no it’s still there. it just was summer and #i interacted with fewer people and went almost nowhere. and now the semester is starting again and everything is changing and it’s just. bad #also addendum to the first part of my tags: i wish i was brave enough to ask ppl to like. text me when they get to their destination safe or #whatever. i almost never think of it bc it just seems like such a forward boundary crossing thing to do + it was a bad habit from when my #separation anxiety was MUCH worse as a kid. but like… i want o do it and sometimes i need to but i repress it so hard. lawl #also to say i love you sometimes. some ppl it’s really easy and we do it all the time. others i can’t bc it crosses boundaries and it #physically hurts not to. lolll

[meatmensch]

The people that have abandoned me really need to stop talking to me like they have any right to tell me what to do, or I swear to God, I'm gonna get the FUCKING hammer.

#inspired by my bitch of a mother sending me a text that basically said u need to get ur life together #as i always say! LET HE WHO IS WITHOUT SIN CAST THE FIRST STONE! #this woman's life is a dumpster fire #and she specifically said 'i won't financially support u. i'll always be there for u but that's a conditional statement' #which is INSANE because that don't make no sense AND she has NEVER financially supported me? genuinely why does she think she has any #fucking right...😭😭😭 #meanwhile. my dad. during the shitstorm that has been my family's existence lately. is being way more lax about me getting a job and moving #out than he has been in the past. because some fucks despite being shitheads aren't total assholes #this post is also inspired by my insufferable sister who fucked off to another fucking continent when i was 7 and treats me...well. exactly #how u would expect an upper middle class dumb jock to treat her awesome nerd little brother. and is always telling me i'm making #the wrong fucking decisions and judging me. #these ppl r so funny bc they think this is normal and that i will endure it bc the power of love or what the fuck ever. wrong! i have been #on the brink of cutting off my entire family since i was fourteen. now that i actually have the power to do some cutting off i'll be honest #i feel pretty great #it is all of course a horrible nightmare and i wish things were different etc etc etc. but in the words of supernatural. i was always going #to end up here. #while i am thinking about such things what's my other sister's deal? she has not reached out to me for years. it was like i turned 18 and #she was like ok who cares abt this dude now #which was incredibly bizarre and makes me feel like a stupid idiot who did something wrong but i know i didn't. and she was always the most #supportive of my siblings. i don't know what her problem is #in her defense her life has been weird lately. but 'lately' has lasted long enough that it's just her life now. and whenever i try to be th #one to reach out she basically gives me...nothing. #while i am thinking about such things i will acknowledge the slays. my one totally kickass sister who is the only other one of my siblings #who understands anything. i am rly grateful for her and she has been so good to me for so long especially during the recent shitstorm #she is moving very far away and that has brought up my abandonment issues but i genuinely am so happy for her and her family and she is ver #adamant about me visiting and PAYING for the visit (or at least doing the scamming that pays for the visit so i don't have to pay lol) and #making sure i'll be ok. #it's not all bad! i am going to be ok! there r so many people in my life who love me and love me in a way that makes sense to me and doesn' #make me feel like the world's worst man #personal log

[sanstropfremir]

Everytime you think that's the worst hyb3 will get they sink lower like I expect the worse of that company but they still manage to surprise me

https://twitter.com/TheNuggetsShow/status/1673084680600702976?t=_MqyqrOSbPlm4SZHbjmSpw&s=19

#uh. you guys know that eta stands for Estimated Time of Arrival right. you know thats an extremely common acronym. right. #that pretty much all eng speaking ppl use in daily life....? #i dont like hybe and i never will but the teaser is literally just 15 sec of a car driving and the song is called eta. as in. #ESTIMATED TIME OF ARRIVAL. which is something that you would say when telling someone about travel plans.....like....when you are driving.. #the names are a very unfortunate coincidence but maria eva mikel are EXTREMELY common first times.........its literally mary/eve/michael #it could just be actor or character names #like yes the coincidences are there. i do not blame spanish ppl for noticing them right away bc of course they would. its natural #but currently there is nothing in what theyve shown in the teaser that 'actively promotes terrorism'.................cmon now. #tbh saying that the car in the teaser is alluding to how the group used carbombs is like. hysterical to me #its not even blowing up ITS JUST DRIVING #like there arent a million kpop mvs with cars ACTUALLY blowing up in them... #carbombing is like. literally the number one terror method used by literally every group. IF the car was blowing up in the teaser #i would be significantly more skeptical. but once again. it is literally JUST DRIVING #FOR A VIDEO OF A SONG CALLED ESTIMATED TIME OF ARRIVAL #also this tweet got deleted literally five minutes after i looked at it so. #text #answers #newjeans w #look. yes the coincidences are fuckin weird and if it turns out that thats actually what they were doing thats so fucking unhinged #but i can very very easily see how this is just a series of unfortunate actual coincidences.

[correct-bangtannies]

I don't even like men and I'm somehow already a military wife, what goes on

PS. Don't open the tags unless you want a big ass wall of text of me rambling on your screen

#hit #im just honestly so glad that I've become a lot more chill with the whole being an army thing #in the sense that i used to be a lot more attached and hyped over everything #i do still get very hyped and i do still have an attachment to them n their work but y'know just more toned down #(i mean i remember the days of staying up all night to watch award shows knowing damn well they'd always perform last) #(mma 2018 was an emotional rollercoaster like i legit cried a little from the tiredness and being overwhelmed with the performance) #so im glad im a lot more calm about the enlistment news than what i would've been say three years ago before they started to #take longer breaks and eventually announce the hiatus this year #it's like they did it in purpose so that the fandom would grow a bit more used to it n im glad to see that a huge majority are very calm #many are sad ofc but its not being treated as some kind of horrific news #if anything ppl are coping with humor including me lmao #so idk im mostly just happy for them that they're taking their VERY well deserved break before doing their service #i just hope everything goes well and is decently peaceful (as peaceful as enlistment can be at least lol) for them once they're there #now why am i rambling in the tags? bc i need to put my thoughts in order but i don't wanna clog my blog with a long ass wall of text 💀 #I'm at least relieved to know that they already have a set plan of when they're going to go and return + BH is sure af gonna keep putting #out a lot of content that they've filmed over all these years #i mean run bts; documentaries; probably even music and ofc not all of them are gonna go at the exact same time #and ofc stuff related to the HYYH and Chakho #them being absent won't as hard for most hopefully #and hey 2 years aint nothing ive waited far longer for stuff to come out than that we'll be fine! #*cries in silksong and the YOI movie

[guideaus]

i think the gifmaking community is in shambles, im serious. spto just came out, and its show went above and beyond animating scenes, and the tag does not reflect that at all. i filter gifs and i see more for the old movie or tumblr's gif feature sharing other users' gifs than actual gifsets. what happened 🤨

#personal #unless ive somehow blocked everyone that couldve made gifs?? (i doubt it ) #i think if fanartists didnt exist the tag would just be endless text posts reactions w old tumblr gifs attached #it just seems kinda mindblowing to me and genuinely kinda sad #also this post isnt an invitation to tell me to gif it if im upset abt it. i make gifs i dont need to carry everything i interact with #what happened or do ppl on here only wanna renew trends of old film franchises coincidentally when its sequel spinoff comes out so #they can get notes all at the same time *cough* THG *cough* #i dont think u can say time bc fanart should be the same effort. do ppl know how to gif or is there no casual interest or

[funkylittlebats]

.

#wow okay so ive been reconnecting with my friend who i previously hadn't seen or spoken to in months #and we've been chatting again for abt a month now and she came to my house univited and without warning today and we hung out #even though i really wasn't prepared for company. i decided it was a pleasant enough surprise. she brought cupcakes. #and then she tells me. a trans man. that she. a lesbian. is in love with me #and im now very uncomfortable bc i don't want to date someone who sees me as a girl. and i Know that that's the case here #bc she's said some Kinda Weird yellow flag things abt trans ppl (esp in regards to passing) that ive overlooked bc i enjoyed her company #and she starts crying on my shoulder bc she “can't believe im rejecting her bc i think shes transphobic” #and how she “thought i liked her too” bc i go along with her flirting (when she first started flirting w me i didn't pick up and she- #-made a joke abt how she likes to flirt w men bc shes gay but it looks like im too dense for that joke (said it a friendly way no really)) #(so i didn't realize she was ACTUALLY flirting bc she would still do this to other guys as a joke) #and she “feels so stupid for letting herself be led on by me” and a bunch of other bullshit #and expected me to comfort her while this was going on #which i did bc i didn't know what else to do #and she decided to take THAT as a mixed signal ig and tried to pet me #so i got away from her and got her some water and asked her to leave after she calmed down #and she started crying more but eventually left #and then like an hour later i start getting texts from our friends saying they couldnt believe i was so rude to her #and thought she was a transphobe and shoved her off of me when she just needed comfort #and so now everyone is refusing to talk to me until *i* apologize to *her* #i literally only have one irl friend now bc of this #fuck this shit #and i have fucking class tomorrow #fuck #this #shit

[0tul1ss]

.

#mannn i literally assumed he ghosted-- why on earth would he text me after so long???? #i was fully like 'ok the last msg i sent literally makes me cringe a bit to read but its been months so ig im never opening the convo again #it was simpler before when there felt like there was nothing else to do and easier to move on. i even had a little crush on someone else ! #now i have a whole wheel of decisions to choose from #and idek what i truly want from this guy anymore bc even just platonically he kinda fucked it up like. idk #or rather i want a lot of different things and idk what to choose #i want my friend back. i want to never see him again. i want him to know every truth of what ive felt and i want him to know none of it #i want him to miss me or maybe wonder about me sometimes down the line. i want him to not spare me another thought for the rest of his life #i want to reply only 'go fuck yourself' and i want to write him a letter and i want to ghost him better than he ghosted me #i want to tell him i love him and i want to tell him i hate him and i want to say nothing at all #i want the closure i was denied. i want to protect the closure i now have #<-going insane #anyway its soooo stupid like i already grieved for this shit bro. i accepted the end of this years long close friendship #anyway idk why im doing so much processing of this in a vent post nor do i know why i always feel compelled to post these when i do #good thing i keep a small presence on here lol. but yea uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh send post #ok wait i saved this as a draft and went to go look for what i had been tagging vent posts with #[couldnt find one i had been using consistently even tho the whole point is so ppl can blacklist it if they want whoops!!] #and i saw another vent from another time he just kinda disappeared on me #and while this time was a lot worse for a lot of reasons i think its important to say this-- #that the last thing that i want is to go back to square one of this stupid awful cycle #vent

[stupidnaturals]

.

#GAH hate not knowing how ppl feel about me #bc i used to be SUPER close friends w this person like they were ~25% of th reason i came back to my uni town after moving away last summer #and i keep texting them like ' hey we should meet up sometime! ' and they respond ' omg YES 100% i have SO much i need to catch you up on ! #unfortunately i am out of town every single day. also so busy. ' #and like yeah okay college very busy life very crazy. but how are you out of town every single day and also why have you NEVER reached out #and i saw them in person at target and they seemed genuinely pleased to see me! and also said something like #' we gotta hang out i have so much to tell you!! *ill* message *you* ' in a way that seemed to convey guilt at ^^ all that #but then how in the WORLD do you happen to be driving out of town immediately after the one event i know we'll both be going to??? #and also casually gracing over the fact i also mentioned getting dinner beforehand?? #also i dont know any reason they wouldnt like me unless its one of those ' im autistic and didnt notice you getting fed up w me ' #or if theyre just actually that busy or too anxious to see people or anxious to reach out or fucking whatever #and like even when i saw them at target they told me a bunch of stuff that i dont tthink youd say to a random acquaintance #which if they do still like me makes sense! bc we were super duper close once! but doesnt make sense if they dislike me/want me to go away #like UGH just either ask me to hang out or say yes to a hang out or tell me to fuck off already!!!! #oh and ALSO the one time we DID have plans we didnt set an exact time but they texted me at like 11 and said ok we can hang out now until 2 #or they texted me at 11 and said ' i work at 2 but i dont think thats gonna be a problem also are you okay w hanging w my roomies too ' #and i know their roomies so thats fine but i was like ??? WHAT shouldnt be an issue? r you gonna call off to hang out for more than 3 hrs? #or are you gonna friend break up w me so it wont take 3 hours #anyway i was like uhhh shit we didnt set a time so im actually at a tattoo place like an hour away w my roomie? #so we rescheduled for the next day when uh oh they hung out w someone who was exposed to covid so had to cancel again! #i cant think of a single reason they wouldnt like me except that they never did but we had an activity together so they were stuck w me #and they seemed genuinely happy to see me and also seem upset declining plans but like if thats true what the FUCK is happening???? #anyway this was a mile long if you e read this far i love u if you have tips feel free to reply or dm me

[imaginarypasta]

nothing grinds my gears quite like a second “why haven’t you responded to me yet” message a mere 1-2 days after the original text

#personal #of course something like further elaboration or a change in subject would be valid #im saying literally like along the lines of ‘why haven’t you responded’ #im not saying no situation ever demands it but that urgency every time we text is so exhausting #like give me a little bit of time. i say 3-5 days is more reasonable but i’m personally fine with full weeks in between #and i understand the logic of ‘oh they’re not responding to me -> possibly feel bad about it possibly neutral -> i’ll just give them a #reminder so they know no hard feelings’ i really do understand that #but the constant demand of respond to a thousand texts within a day #is personally too much and honestly just not something i’m interested in participating in #and i have said before ‘im not on my phone that much. that is simply how long it takes me to respond to messages. if it’s urgent either #call or say it is urgent that way i know’ #AND importantly ‘i don’t go on my phone when i’m hanging out with people’ because that’s almost always what the situation is #and i try so hard to not be annoyed bc i know their intentions are not bad and they just want to talk to me #but idk how many time i have it in me to explain that to the same ppl over and over #and it would be less annoying if there wasn’t a habit of like forgetting this kind of thing about me. i don’t know a better way to say it #anyway. trying so hard to not make this is ‘this is what’s wrong with everyone today’ or ‘i’m so unique’ thing bc i realize how close this #annoyance can get to those places & they’re very much not the attitude i’m coming into this with #ok rant over :p

[horrorwebs]

fucking hell fucking hell is she gonna reject me? i want to let sth out for a second and didnt want to tell my psychologist until i have answers so. tags it is

#so. i told my friend i like her. i really really do you cant imagine how much. this was while i was away on a trip last week and we were #messaging.honestly i wanted to be brave enough to tell her in person but i tried already and i was tired of waiting for 'the perfect moment #i was tired of not doing anything ever and watching my life go by. so i drann a bit and told her. not bc i was a bit drunk thats just an #excuse. i was plenty conscious and still scared as fuck (so much that after i sent the message i took a lap around the building lol) #she said i should be scared first. then that she wasnt sure what to say. in her words 'more yes than no. but i dont know what to say' #understandable. she prob wasnt expecting it and its not amazing to have a conversation like that through text (despite the fact that our #relationship has always relied heavily on texting cause weve always stayed up talking. like from day 1) #anyway. she said that before we met she had a crush on me (i already knew this) and that she sometimes felt this way too wbut was scared i #didnt feel that way as well and didnt wanna risk anything so didnt do anything (granted. but she DID say plenty of ambiguous things + #told me i could sleep w her then um. slept on top of me. hugging. you know) #my friend said this was a good sign i was nervous and told her that i thought it was weird and she said her response was p good #and later she uploaded on her cf story a video that said a ring she shares w me is her 'married ring' so i think thats good?? #but also. we havent talked yet (hard to do in 15 min at school) and i have a bad fweling #i feel shes going to say sth like she likes me but doesnt want to risk what we have esp considering her other friends sometimes treat her #badly/exclude her and that shes worried if we fight we are going to lose our friendship + shes going to lose my friends as well #which is well. stupid of course. because i always want her in my life. i think she knows this. i want her to know this. #ever since we met i want her in my life and i cant stop thinking about her and how i miss her and her eyes and how she hugs me and GOD #THE OTHER DAY WHEN WE SAW EACH OTHER AFTER I WENT ON A WEEK LONG TRIP SHE FUCKIN. LIFTED ME OFF THE GROUND AND. CARRIED ME AROUND #HONESTLY IT WAS A BIT EMBARASSING THERE WERE LOTS OF PPL SRIUND AND IM A VERY PRIVATE PERSON BUT I WAS SO HAPPY !!!! #and idk i just dont want her to reject me. shes the first person i really like and i see myself together with. we have so much in common an #we understand each other and we are GOOD for each other. shes so good for my life and i want to believe i am as awell and god how i #want to kiss her and call her my girlfriend and just. agh #its exhausting liking someone huh #loveposting #spikeposting #if anyone has read this far omg hi thank you what do you think?

[pepprs]

crying again lol ok

#purrs #and posting online abt it so i get immediate validation / support instead of asking for help from anyone im close to i know. but god fucking #damn it to hell. ok im going to be candid about this because it hurts so fucking bad. five years ago i met someone so important to me. and I #miss her so so so so much. and every space here i have a memory with her in. and she left in July and she’s gone. and im sobbing my eyes out #FOR WHY because it was over 6 months ago and im happier and she’s happier and we’re all happier. but i think im getting some aftershocks #being here for the first time without her exactly 5 years to the week we met: when she was so important to me. she was the whole reason i #even saw myself as something. and she’s fucking gone. she left. but she’s not dead like LMAO idk why im crying so hard when i could just #text her any time and tell her that i miss her. but idk. it’s just everything is stirring memories and they’re painful to think about now or #at least today because she’s gone and it all changed. i was just saying that i feel like im not having any emotions and tonight the grief ju #just rammed into me like a train and my fucking counselor sucks ass and won’t even help me work through it and everyone is busy and tired an #and im a staff coach so im not supposed to be having a fuckjng mental breakdown over **** pacing around in my bathroom at 1:23am but ive be #been thinking about her so much and remembering all the formative interactions i had with her here and missing her so much i want to explode #and die and p*ke and whatever. so stupid to cry about it but i fucking miss her. and i hate that she’s not here. and i’m trying so hard to b #be her but i have to be me but i can’t not have what she brought here and im just crashi ng and burning and can’t be honest and im having a #breakdown and crying so hard and i don’t know what to do. i ithink i’ll be fine after some sleep and reflection but my heart is like seizing #on itself right now and nothing takes my mind off it and i just keep crying LMFAOOOOOO. i hate it here #delete later #like how can you look at me like that and then fuck off to ****** 4.5 years later. you know? im about to punch a hole into the hallway #and i have to be quiet bc ppl are trying to sleep but it’s making me fucking crazy. #retreat tag

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#today has been a day. as in time did pass. the earth rotated. and i accomplished very little #bc im just feeling paralyzed and not so good. and i guess thats understandable #like i understand y its happening but its not any less frustrating. mostly its just knowing that i have to make life altering decisions in #the next few weeks. and the pressure of: if i dont decide to go for this one project then they dont get a student and they dont get funding #that makes me pretty nauseous. and knowing i have an interview Thursday that im not ready for and i dont really wanna do #and its a product of not talking to people like a human being. like i just dont interact with people much. when im in the lab i mostly #stand around looking unapproachable or go in when i kno there's no one there and i just dont have close friends so i dont really talk to or #text anyone. i just work and fail to get things done. so then when im in a situation where i have to talk to ppl its all anxious shrapnel #or me dominating the conversation bc i cant stand the pauses and i have so much obsessivly rotatinf in my head. and i hate it. im so sick #of hearinf my own voice but no one talk in the way i want them to. i get so bored. and i want to ask pressing and uncomfortable things but #i kno i shouldnt. but i also dont really have a filter so ill just say fucking whatever. which is what i did Saturday when a triggering #topic of conversation arose. so now my lab mate officially knows too much. but whatever wtf is he gonna do abt it. i just get so annoyed #bc now its in my head. thr fact it set me off and that i overshared and that now its in my head. annoying. #and it doesn't help with the writing things i need to finish. bc i dont like feeling like ive done something wrong and one of the reviewers #has good points. which also probably means ill have to redo my 8 days of measurements so far #but i also might b able to shorten the timeline so idk. just a lot is happening rn and i feel the pressure and by brain doesn't like #pressure. and not doing things rn is not good. things need to be done #so idk i dont feel good but it makes sense. by the end of February hopefully things will b figured out #and i should sleep and hope for a better tomorrow #unrelated