#like i dont think my personality is fun enough to make up for all this idk if that makes any real sense

[sulfies]

In your heavy bleeding au, does Desmond remember his bleeds or does he just black out during the whole process? Also, does he have certain triggers?

Love all your au stuff btw owo

Im glad my au is infecting everyones brain muhahaha

to answer, when I draw Desmond with yellow eyes and fainting like a damsel I think in my head its one fo 2 things:

1) he is having such a heavy bleed(hehe pun) his body shuts down and all he can do is to live thru the bleed basically, he would not be able to tell its a bleed even if someone told him it was one(they cant tho since he is stuck in the bleed in his head) so he just has to ride it out. It probobly disorients him quiet a bit once he gets out of it for hrs maybe in some cases days.

2) he is having visions from apple and its such heavy knowledge his human brain kinda goes overheat mode.

In the end you can determine yourself (since its an au nothing is set in stone lol) if he remembers or not but for myself:

I think on 1)

he doesnt remember all details, after he is out of the episode he probobly remembers who the bleed was about and some context but not all, but some stuff lingers for few hours sometimes days as mentioned. maybe he finds hard to switch to the language he uses the most or his emotions carry over, like if it was about altair right after he lost his ranks, he feels some petty anger towards Malik he cannot explain but he can figure out it was cocky-altair memories probobly due to context clues. They are probobly like dreams(or nightmares) in a sense where the more he tries to remember the more he forgets about details…

for 2)

He is just not that smart enough (sorry Des ur no Altaïr…)to explain what the apple showed him but he probobly does remember in a sense; if its things like a remedy, a basic invention or instructions that he can learn from a yt video normally he can muscle memory to make em. its more like “how tf did u do that” “uhhh i have no idea” withing a limit lol so he cannot invent phones bc he probobly cant even make a phone in modern day

——————

for his other heavy bleeds where he is not passed out with eyes all gold I think some of the same rules as 1) apply where he doesnt know he is in a bleed, especially if he is bleeding as someone bc at that moment he thinks he is that person, but someone could snap him out of it if they tried (usually if he is bleeding ezio and actual ezio shows up he can make Des snap out of it but its not foolproof) and afterwards he probobly remembers most of it (to his horror) bc he did actively and physically live thru it. Like w the fic where he thinks there are guards after him but its a bleed, after he learns it is he still remembers them and sees them

but again I think the fun part is u can kinda make Des suffer in anyway you want (again…sorry Des…)so no rules are set in stone, so if you dont want him to remember anything after bleeds you are free to do so and ill probobly break these guides aswell lol

————-

for triggers hmm i think anything you want could be a trigger lol but it doesnt have to be “triggered” to happen. I think like that other fic when he first time-travels and lands in Italy or Levant he would most likely have a bleed where he thinks he is someone else sooner or later bc the enviroment shocks him and confuses him (as time travel does) so something that “shocks” him can send him into an episode but he could also be totally fine in another scenerio

in my hc w the fainting ones, they are similar to seizures w how they come and go (I do not get seizures so my research is very limited) so sometimes he can guess it will happen few seconds to min before but he cannot stop them and sometimes it just gets him by suprise, for the ones where he doesnt faint he again has no idea when it will happen and most likely cannot tell it will, those ones are probobly more affected by “triggers” but they dont have to be as I said above

ty for askingg sorry to give an essay as response lol

#take a shot everytime i say bleed to experiance your very own bleed #dont #im sorry desmond lol ı swear I do love you thats why I gave you a harem of assassins #assassin's creed #asks #heavy bleed effect au

[dykepaldi]

got 12clara on the brain do we all agree the cloisters confession involved them having some sort of time lord psychic exchange

idk if this is something other people have thought about, obviously they said they love each other normal style as well but i feel like there arent gonna be any words that could scratch the surface of the Everything

itd be the most emotionally intense thing either of them had ever experienced like 1000 acid trips at once but all that remains of it in the doctor’s mind is a beautiful song. clara, on the other hand, gets 4.5 billion years worth of suffering beamed into her mind in a matter of seconds and goes absolutely batshit insane (moreso than she already was)

#*person whos done acid once voice* woah itd be just like doing acid #post hell bent clara being properly evil is a really fun idea i dont think about it enough #but it makes sense right #she became more and more like the doctor in the worst ways #and now the person she cares about infinitely more than anything else is gone #and its not like ashildr will be the compassionate human companion to stop her doing genocides #twelveclara #going back to my original point this is def something ive accepted to be true basically since the episode comes out #i feel like they would have done psychic stuff all the time anyway like clara was flying the tardis and shit she could do that too #but every time theyd both have big massive vault doors with a billion locks stopping any kind of feelings getting out lmao #maybe psychic time lord stuff is a metaphor for sex maybe not up to you #fresh n sexy dr who tag #mine

[rottingcompost]

the fact that at this point i dont even feel depressed or scared or anxious whenever i get reminded of my abuser and i instead get angry and start thinking and sometimes even saying the most venomous shit about her and wishing death on her. shes not really in my life much at all anymore but it still pisses me off and i still have to see her occassionally and at this point i feel like next time she tries to come to my apartment i wont even let her in and tell her to play in traffic or something.

#ramblings #i just realized while typing this since i wonder why she showed up in my thoughts again this week #her birthday is today #i hope she dies. #genuinely im so angry that i ever had to share my life with her #and im still angry that she still is the tumor on my family that is ruining it #genuinely it would be so much better for pretty much all of us if she died #i have wanted to make fun of her to friends lately but tbh only like. two or three of my friends even know her enough to understand my ange #and even then i dont think it would be very fair to them to basically go on an insane rant about my abuser because im mad #i should get my anger out in some other way #vent #it fucking sucks too because her sister and her mother are extremely sweet and i honestly kinda like being around them #how the hell did she turn out to be such a vile and terrible creature when her sister and mom are absolutely amazing #also doesnt make it much better when she talks shit about her sister and makes her out to be evil when like???? #shes actually a nice person unlike you!!!!

[luvrbunni]

ik ive not been active at all anyways sort of explanation/me complaining in tags

#i have gotten progressively worse lately in terms of physical health and its just taken a lot out of me tbh #over the past few months ive developed chronic pain and fatigue drs still arent sure if its fibromyalgia or chronic fatigue but whatev #in any case ive been in tremendous pain everywhere it's not been fun at all #i also have this new thing where i get a tremor if i hold things too hard and while it is relatively painless it still is making life harde #esp since i am an art student so im kind of stuck not rly knowing what to do atp #ive just not been in the best mindset and while i recognise that disability is not ugly in any way i do just feel harder to love now #like i dont think my personality is fun enough to make up for all this idk if that makes any real sense #ive also been temporarily put on birth control its a long story but it's only until i get scheduled for a minor surgery most probably #but yanno birth control has unfun side effects and i feel like im going crazy most days #ik this all probably sounds pretty silly but idk. its been hard to feel genuinely attractive lately. #forgot to add this but there was some other stuff that happened thats definitely effecting just my self image and libido and stuff lately #long story short someone i trusted ended up crossing multiple physical boundaries and passed uncomfortable comments abt me and similar shit #its not been fun to deal with in any way yk?

[ddeexxmm]

Its so joever for me bruh im 18 with no friends no job not in school no hobbies no goals no achievements

#whenever i go outside i feel so incredibly uncomfortable like everyone is staring at me and laughing at me i cant even walk normally #and i was legitametly getting stared at when i went to college so its not like im just paranoid or something #i probably am actually getting stared at and made fun of just like i was in college #i think i look worse then i think i do and that makes me so sad lol #i know im ugly but sometimes i see myself and think maybe i dont look TOO bad or at least when i lose weight i wont look so bad #but maybe im just irredeemably ugly and nothing can fix it #why else would people stare at me im unremarkable at best #im not tall or super underweight and i dont dress weird i do everything i possibly can to fade into the background #so why do people stare at me #the only logical answer is that im just incredibly ugly #so my life is basically just over lol #i know people dont want to talk to me but i figured it was just because im quiet so i pushed myself to be more talkative and outgoing #but obviously that didnt work so it must just be cause im ugly #thats why people stare at me #i guess if i get to a low enough weight at least the stares will be about my body and not my face #that would be a little better i think #when i was growing up all i hoped for was that i would live a normal life once i grew up #i dont even care about leaving a mark on the world or being some important person anymore #i just want to feel content with my life for once man #i havent been happy with myself or my life since i was twelve years old #all ive done since then is fail my parents and fail myself #i know im a disappointment to them no matter what they say ive seen theyre text messages and i see the way they treat me #im nothing but a waste of money and time #and to top it off i look like a fucking ogre #all i ever wanted was to be happy with myself. i cant even live up to my own expectations. #i will never amount to anything

[jvzebel-x]

"only other Hawaiians ever make me feel not Hawaiian enough--"

"Hawaiians from the islands are racist--"

"Hawaiians from the mainland have REAL aloha spirit everyone up here is just Hawaiian, no matter how much blood you got--"

okay but you understand that every single portion of what you just said is rooted in colonialism&the attempted murder of our people+culture, right. like you GET why kānaka from the islands have to be so protective of things as they are on the frontlines watching both our culture&our land get chunked for the proft of those who have no right to any of it, right. like you KNOW that hawaiian homelands requires a 50% blood quota to even get on the list&a 25% quota from anyone you leave that land to post mortem, &that the list is STILL decades long because the vast majority of the homeless kānaka back home MEET that requirement, right-- that the homeless demographic in the islands has the largest percentage of us left in one grouping in the world&it isn't surprising the families who maintained a higher blood percentage are also too poor to leave the islands even while dying on the streets, right. like you are CAPABLE of conceptualizing what all of that would do when confronted with someone from the diaspora who "doesn't understand why the aloha spirit is dead in the islands". right. like you can SEE&HEAR how it sounds when you say the nonhawaiian people&legacy of the colonizers that tried to obliterate your ancestors are the only ones who make you feel hawaiian now that they as a group have successfully taken up the primary position on what makes a good hawaiian. right. like you KNOW why there's even a push to properly exemplify kānaka maoli after literally hundreds of years of our people having to save us from cultural obliteration, &that the push to be a "real hawaiian" definitely didn't start with us, the people who you are trying to reconnect to&identify with. right.

like, i get feeling like the expectations are too high-- there isn't any right way to be kānaka, &there are most definitely kānaka who are shitty about that-- but coming back with, "BUT THE HAOLES VALIDATE MY HAWAIIAN-NESS" is just fucking WILD, like i don't know how to explain to you the haoles thinking they have a right to validate fucking anything in relation to us&our struggle&our people is just...

blood doesn't matter, but obviously not in the way you seem to think, lmao.

#OOF these conversations never get any easier. #my heart BLEEDS for the family that deny themselves like this but im constantly having to accept that im not the right person to help lmao. #i absolutely know what its like to not be hawaiian enough lmao. from both other hawaiians AND haoles. #my thing is that while it may be more insulting to have blood be shitty what exactly do you think you as a person are saying #when you take more issue w that than w haoles thinking they have a right to gauge your relation to blood&culture? #why is THEIR ignorance something to be handwaved but from US&OUR expectations its a deadly sin #that justifies throwing us all under the bus&turning your back on the ppl you claim to be apart of? #of COURSE the haoles think your '''aloha spirit' is the real kine its the kine that accepts THEM w no expectations LMAO. #of COURSE the haoles think youre a '''good''' hawaiian-- are you NOT EMBARASSED about that? #like how can you possibly be so fucking deaf to the words coming out of your mouth i dont fucking understand. #arguing w US is more productive than learning from your kin&hearing what we have to say??? okay. #... for context someone i know was arguing that glofiying the murder of cooke contributes to savage stereotypes #associate w us&ultimately makes things more decisive by encouraging the idea that we're violent to any foreigners #&'''well i felt foreign the first time i went to see the islands bc thats how ppl made me feel&it wasnt fun for me''' #okay but why didnt you grow up where you were supposed to-- on those islands. #okay but why do you feel separated at all from a culture&ppl that are being forced more&more into the diaspora. #okay but why did you need to reconnect to us at all bc it wasnt any KANAKA who decided to fracture us all like this. #maybe instead of focusing on your own personal bad feelings you could put in a modicum of effort into understanding your kin #instead of rushing back to the open&loving haole arms who accept you as a REAL hawaiian bc us mean kanaks are being racist. :'(

[chaosspear]

anyways im just gonna keep talking about my thoughts until i can empty my brain for sleep anyways as someone who believes that sonic unleashed missed some potential with the implications of the werehog transformation-- i think some of you are a little too edgy about the werehog sometimes.

#i say this in like a light hearted way btw it doesnt really bother me too much #as long as everyones being normal about it and having fun its harmless #just sometimes i see stuff like 'the werehog transformation is actually extremely unimaginably agonizing for sonic' and im like O_O' #i feel like that one reply to that winnie the pooh post like isnt there enough hate and pain in the world..... #i think you can make the werehog edgier and angstier for funsies i just think that a middle ground might be better. in my own opinion #like for all the pain and stuff you add for angst there needs to also be a resolution and relief and healing to it for it to work and not #feel like just torture porn. idk it feels uncormfortable when people take the werehog and just make it a catalyst to put sonic through #intense pain and misery when like these are still kids media. #also btw when i talk about missed potential up there i mean like #i think unleashed couldve done more with people seeing sonic as scary and have sonic more openly struggle with his appearance and #physical abilities conflicting with who he sees as himself and his nature. #again these are all just opinions like i said unless people are being really weird about it i dont think theres anything wrong #its just a personal dislike of mine

[hauntedpearl]

.

#I'm thinking about like. how anxiety can cripple my articulation again like. when put on a spot. i don't feel like j express myself as well #as i can. and then i feel guilt over it especially when people end up picking irresolvable arguments with me because i feel like i #overexplain myself and the other party just straight up categorizes me as the Bad Person ahdgjskd which makes me more anxious aggsjddk #(yes this is about the thing i elft tumblr for in part but not fully. like ik it's been three months but it was v traimatizing lmao) #(like every time i start thinking about it i know im on the brink of an anxiwty attack again and then i just. shut down ahgshdke FUN IT'S #SO FUN!!!) #anyway. my point is. im very. like. careful with how i curate my space on other social media because i feel like there's ~ c l o u t ~ #involved and it's also some weird sense of obligation that i can't shake. i put it down to self-importance honestly bc i don't have a big #platform or anything but i feel like even the ability to influence someone in a small way is like. RESPONSIBILITY. #with tumblr i dont feel that responsibility. i don't actively follow people who are spouting hate or have beliefs which are honestly #really fucking outrageous. like. terfs can die i wouldn't feel bad. samr for racists lmao. or nazis. the usual fodder right #but i tolerate aphobia to an extent. bc *I'm* ace and ive interacted with the group #and most of them never actively say anything. the ones who do are ignored but others im like. i will take yoir jokes but nothing else.yk?? #it's a strange system but it's very stress-free for me and i curate it that way for whatever reason #even now i feel like I'm not expressing myself properly. like.. it's not about agreeing with a certain belief. it's about my personal level #of comfort/discomfort. and how much im able to tolerate from a person before i say enough is enough. #also i can't bring myself to like block people bc again weird problems but i curate carefully enough that that's never a problem for me #all this bc i saw some post about kids being afraid to consume certain media bc they're afraid of being ousted from their social circles & #LIKE YEAH. I MEAN. IT HAPPENS FR. AND IT HURTS LIKE HELL? SO??. #HMM ANYWAY. i don't even post desinatural anymore that used to be my thing it makes me so sad :( #personal lmao. #dony even reply to this this is Nonsense ™ #i have friends outside i am okay it's just a trigger so im ranting #bYE

[be-good-to-bugs]

i need to go to bed but i dont wannnaaaaa

#the bin #i work at 7am and its 1:23 am i have GOT to go to bad but ugh. if i go to bed then that means ill have to go to work as sokn as im conscious #so the longer i stay up the more time i have. but km gonna be so tired at work. hhhhh. #i dont know why but ive felt so horrible today. super anxious. miserable and really sad #im trying to just deal with it. soon enough things are gonna change. its only 34 days till my planned moving date. i will only bave like 20 #more shifts at this job. maybe less depending on what i get given. including tomorrows shift. and tomorrows shift is only 5 hours long #and the day after its only 4 hours and then i have 2 more days off. itll be ok. but i still feel so anxious and depressed and awful #i just wanna stay home and be high all the time. i feel so lonely always. literally the only thing that helps me not feel completely crushed #and paralyzed by how lonely i am is getting high. i know its not healthy to rely on getting high to feel better about stuff but idk what #else to do so who cares. when i dont do anything about it i i stead end up relapsing or worse so i think its an ok option #i hope i can meet nice people this year. year after year it doesnt happen but so much has changed! #it makes sense i havent met people since i moved out. and everything is so different from wwhen i last lived with them #all my siblings are in school. they have people over at the hair a fair bit afaik. my dad wont be there to me make feel awful. my sister #also wont be there to me me feel awful. i can figure something out. itll be ok. it has to be. #i just want to squeeze someone. i just want like. a hug. a good cuddle. and i need to talk to someone. its been so long since u had an actul #fun time hanging out with another person. i need to watch a movie with someone and joke around and. ugh. #how did my life reach this point? what happened that resulted in me spending ages 10-19 all alone. im not even 19 yet but i will be soon #and theres not a chance ill meet someone before then esp bc im moving. when i was little i didnt have mych friends but i had some #i had such high hopes for the future. i also thought the future would be terrible but i imagined id still have friends and peopwl to talk to #all ive wanted sincei was 10 is just to have people to talk to and hangout with. but i dont have a single friend. i can hardky name anyone #besides my family and coworkers. and like aa couple of my sisters friends. there isnt even like people i know who i dont really consider #friends but we talk sometimes. if i dont go to work. call my mom. or tex a sibling. i dont see or talk to anyone period #i guess unless i go to the store. that doenst really count tho. #i want to have a friends group. i want to have A friends. just like. a person. to interact with. what happened that made mw spend the past #8 years just not interacting with anyone? whats wrong with me. #its fine tho. becausebit will change. i acan heal from this and i can meet people. even if half my conscious life has been spent all alone #it will get better. it has to.

[boygirlctommy]

gazes off into the distance. maybe i should work on monster band again...

#my post #the wondrous oc tag #monster band #the lore is stored in the tags #shakes them (my ocs). i dont know what this story is About yet and i need to decide that before i really go anywhere else with it #idk idk i think its about balance #i dont think ive ever explained much about this story. so theres these 2 magical deer that are like. gods i think maybe #and one represents truth and knowledge and light #and the other is lies and secrets and darkness #and the light deer reveals itself to a group of people its decided have proved themselves Curious enough #and basically makes it their mission to. expose every secret. personal or cruel or even like magic shit #and they think 'yippee were doing the right thing :]' bcus the dark deer (which the light deer told them is evil) is getting weaker and the #light deer stronger !! but um as they continue exposing all these local secrets eventually they get caught in the crossfire and a few of em #are like 'wait thissucks actually' but its not until one of em exposes the secrets of the other members of the groups that the others are #like. wait this is fucked up you cant just do that. bro you cant out me to my mom wtf is wrong with you. #and and um that one guy is kinda far gone and practically controlled by the light deer and the others are like 'Hey Maybe These Twin Gods #Were Originally Equal In Power For A Reason' #and now they have to try to fix everything. but yknow you cant just un-tell someones secrets man so idk how they do all that #smiles. idk how to write endings #SMILES and they all even have names #zenith is light deer and nadir is dark deer #the sorta controlled guy is aster james (or just aj idk he goes by both) #and the others are nerris kal and day!! #kals full first name is kalideoscope :] and day's is yesterday :]!! #idk i like sillay names #fun fact i named aj Aster (latin for star) over a year before i added Astronomically named deer representing light and dark #it was his destiny to get possessed by the light deer....

[arolesbianism]

Nails vc yeah the director burned some of my work to my face she must be so stressed out and sad :(

#rat rambles #oni posting #out of the shower and still thinking abt their log theyre so silly I love them #also thinking abt how much of a piece of shit nikola is (affectionate) #I need to put him and ellie in the same room so they can take jabs at eachother with increasing agression until they get physically violent #bonus points if they come out of it almost friends in a fucked up way #think 'I hate your guts and would gladly punch you but we're both going through the same fucked up shit so guess Id die for you' vibes #bonus bonus points if joshua is also in on the oh fuck were doomed arent we fun #like he probably doesnt know and would be horrified upon finding out and thats generally what I go for in my head #but. itd be so incredibly fun if he was just as deep in the muck as the other two. #or even better. deeper. but thatd likely just put him in a middle point between ellie and nikola #ellie is in the know enough that even if she doesnt Know she probably figured it out at some point #nikola is like the most knowing motherfucker in the world #and we don't see shit of joshua's actual work so god knows how much he knows #we know he and ellie work in the same department and handle a lot of important data #but we only ever see ellie be talked to about said data #so while she and joshua do the same type of work we dont know what joshua specifically worked on #which basically means he could know any amount of information about the shit going down at gravitas theres literally no way of knowing #I cant even make a personal character judge because nice doesnt necessarily mean strong morals #like for all we know he could have been actively involved with the dna stealing he most likely wasn't but we dont know #maybe hes a nails situation where he was blinded by optimism or blinded by his friendship with ellie #or maybe ellie goes out of her way to keep him not involved in an attempt to protect him #but ellie herself doesn't Seem to have realized how fucked shit was during what we see of her so idk #maybe jackie just has favorites and likes making ellie her lil grunt #and makes ellie stay quiet which ellie likely wouldnt find too out of place given her job #basically Im saying that while we do see a lot of these two we still know basically nothing abt them #which is a part of the appeal I think #anyways its almost 4 am rip #bed time here we go

[floorpancakes]

i wish i was a cat so my flaws were still cute and adorable and i was worthy of recieving love attention and raising back to health and my brain was small enough that the discomfort and fear would give way to simple things like enjoying a little treat and looking good for photos and being loved and held and stuff

#i forgot what feeling 'normal' without pain felt like so long ago its hard to remember remembering #i guess i enjoy a little treat but i cant think of a time in almost five years ive ever felt free #i wish i could be loved in a mutually beneficial way that didnt hurt #i would make a really good cat i swear #i dont know #if i was a cat that was loved and gently healed back to health and treasured and only had to worry about churu id be ok #it sounds so cheesy wanting to be treasured cause i just dont associate that with me #even with my family my closest friends ill never be anyones special person #i shouldnt have thought about this on tumblr cause everyones just gonna immediately think about watanuki arent they #i would write a mean vent fic or two if i could being myself to be focused enough to write it #its difficult these days #dont reblog please not trying to be the fun police im just going through some really bad stuff right now #ill delete later #i need rest but it isnt coming to me and it wont really do me much good #when cats get sick and fat and their teeth mess up and their skin goes all sore and they lose their hair and they get wrinkly and in pain #everyone still finds them just like any other cat #all cats are beautiful and perfect #standards for humans are different and so is living in your own skin when it is hostile and unfamiliar and it hurts and warps your mind #its a cruel and unusual punishment and a cat would just walk it off #cats are worthy of love and i am neither worthy nor able to take it

[toastsnaffler]

nvm im too tired and overstimulated for this shit

#.vent #i only slept a couple hours last night man. i cant do short notice evening socials on an empty tank let alone resist unexpected rsd #if they had let me know earlier then i wouldve taken a nap and worked out beforehand to get my energy back up #idk just. if u rly want my company then maybe u should actually invite me next time. its not like they didnt plan it #even if they just forgot its not particularly pleasant to be the one person insignificant enough to forget abt. theres only 5 of us #they rly remembered to ask the one guy who isnt even here before me yknow. ugh u see the stupid thoughts i have to battle!! #like on a rational level ik it was probably genuinely accidental. but the way i instinctively react is not always rational #so regardless someone has to deal with the emotional fallout and thats me. regulating this shit is hard work even when im NOT tired asf #i really really dont want to be an asshole and spoil anyones fun bc its no-ones fault + as real as it feels to me rn ik im overreacting #but i cant voluntarily expose myself to personal triggers when im already exhausted + more vulnerable than usual #so just gotta shut myself in my room and deal with it in my own super healthy ways as per usual. may they never fucking find out #trying my best not to be an asshole i hope to fucking god they dont think im being an asshole i just told them i was tired + i meant it #this wouldnt be so much of a problem if it hadnt happened to me before. and also ik its bc one rsd trigger makes me more sensitive- #to picking up unrelated cues but there ARE other things they do that i find ostracising which rly dont fucking help. but- #theyre not things i can actually confront them abt so usually i just gotta deal w it which is fine but it lowers my general tolerance #its ok. its ok i like them all a lot theyre lovely ppl and it doesnt matter if there is a some grain of truth in the things im thinking #bc the risk of me believing + acting on a bad faith irrational thought leads to outcomes that are far worse than those from #misidentifying someones malicious behaviour towards me as neutral by accident/in good faith. okay im done now i think #just ignore me spewing out the old brain gunk on main again eurgh anyway im gonna go calm myself and read and SLEEP #ill be normal by tomorrow morning farewell comrades #honestly i dont mind dealing w shit this way bc its the best option for everyone but man. sometimes its so fucking lonely #like there are sides of me ppl will never engage with and for good reason but without them being acknowledged i find it rly hard to feel- #any real emotional intimacy or closeness with another person. but what other option is there #i sure as hell dont miss the fights i used to constantly get into when i wasnt able to regulate myself i lost so many friends that way #it is what it is. on we go for now

[cat--boy]

i dont know how much longer i can fucking take it !!!!!

#incoming rant #every fucking person around me is irresponsible and annoying #and my friends and the people i like are the ones that get stuck with cleaning all of that up #and its liek #i dont want to fucking do this #this isnt my job #i have ENOUGH to fucking do #and this happened at least twice today #and im so tired #and i feel like people just see me as a whiney bitch #but its not my fucking job #strike your own fucking things #and then #some people think its just so fun to LAUGH AT ME for being pissed off #and make fun of me while im clearly upset #and then not take my seriously when i tell them to stop #and then they decide to belittle me and baby me as a joke #AND I TELL THEM TO FUCKING STOP AGAIN #AND THEY DONT FUCKING STOP #WHY DOES NO ONE TAKE ME FUCKING SERIOUSLY #just because im laughing it somehow makes everything im feeling invalid #and i laugh when i want to cry. like a lot. i start laughing before i cry and i always have and i dont know whats wrong with me #and i wish people would make fun of me less #and im starting to wonder if its my fault #i dont think i start things??? #i dont think i mock people unprovoked #i dont know!!!! #im so stressed and tired and i need the people around me that i like to stop antagonizing me because they think ots funny #BECAUSE ITS NOT!! (tumblr has a tag limit of 30 apparently) #it never shuts up

[ranboolivesaysstuff]

IMPORTANT POST PLEASE READ

Im gonna be honest and open for a sec, and please do not take this as "oh I HATE my community or I dont like the people who watch me" but honestly as of late (and I did highlight this during the mcc bit), ive felt like I havent been able to really be in my own community simply because of the constant way that "discourse" is handled. Making vague posts and not really tackling issues in a good way, all that is going to do is just show people a big "THIS COMMUNITY BAD" sign and not actually help anything within the community, all its going to do is have the good and potentially good people leave or not join in the first place. The way that discourse is treated that ive seen has been the main reason why I have started to try to distance myself, which has been the most heartbreaking thing I have had to do. I want problems to be solved in a mature, civil way, with either a dm or a reply, not an entire vague thing that only says "bad things are happening" and doesnt elaborate on anything or barely elaboratesa and only gives people on both the inside and outside a bad sign of what the community is. Making posts whenever something happens being like "here we go again" is only going to highlight the wrong things, and actually DOESNT help the issue at all! The problems should be discussed directly with the people who are doing said problems FIRST! Bring attention to behaviors and things that arent good DIRECTLY! And also, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO!!! It is not your duty as a viewer or fan of me to be involved in any of this if you do not want to! Just enjoy the content and make silly posts! As someone who constantly tried to fix and get into every problem as it was happening, it took a huge toll on my mental health, and I want you guys to just be able to enjoy the content without having to worry about what you say about it! Be constructive! Dont make posts again just being like "wow this community is so bad" because that doesnt solve literally anything! If you have enough passion to make the posts saying "wow this community is bad" then only post about that, you are only spreading that negative message, and not uplifting anything of actual value! And if the person you are trying to help is not willing or not listening, BLOCK! MUTE! DONT BRING MORE ATTENTION TO THE PERSON IF THEY ARE NOT BEING A GOOD PART OF THE COMMUNITY!!!! I know I say that if I see problems I will call them out, but I shouldnt have to babysit every single time a thing happens within the community as that just isnt a healthy way for a creator or a community to be handled. This does not mean that I do not care about the issues or dont want them fixed, rather it shouldnt take me having to make some grand statement every single time something happens it should take only your own self reflection and self awareness. And to add onto this, make sure that every once in a while no matter who you are you think and have that self reflection, you should be open to being willing to learn and grow as a person! And again, I do NOT want anyone taking this as "Wow this community is terrible" but rather that we just have things that need to be fixed and changed and THAT IS OKAY! I do not hate the community, I care so much about it that I want it to be a silly place for my content again! I want it to be the reason why people get into what I do because of it again! And I want to be able to just have fun and relax without having to worry about how every single thing that I may say could have someone stirring things up that simply dont help or solve anything! Take care of yourselves. And this isnt coming from a place of "I hate the community as a whole" but rather again I want to be able to exist and make content that we can all enjoy without having to worry about walking on eggshells around me or around eachother! At the end of the day im just a fella that wants to make silly videos for you all, and you are people who enjoy said videos. Nothing more. Nothing less.