House of the Dragon Ep. 3: Second of His Name, a Summary (Incorrect Quotes Edition)
SPOILERS AHEAD!
Daemon: *riding Caraxes and dracarysing people in the Stepstones* Crabfeeder, come out of your fucking cave and face me you son of a bitch!
Crabfeeder: *hides in the caves harder*
. . . . .
*Baby Aegon’s birthday party*
Some lord: Omfg, your grace, baby Aegon looks just like you!
Viserys: Of course, he does. He’s my son.
Hobart Hightower: Ah, look at that, baby Aegon’s only 2 and he’s stealing the people’s hearts with his cuteness.
Otto: *lowkey proud grandpa* This morning, baby Aegon ate porridge with his hands. Want to see pics?
Hobart: He’s 2, wtf did you expect? The king’s throwing him an over the top birthday bash. Hopefully, this is more than just him turning 2.
Otto: What do you mean?
Hobart: He’s 2, and not a baby anymore. King Vis should be naming him his heir.
Otto: Lol, it’s not that easy, big bro.
Hobart: Wtf, he’s the firstborn son.
Otto: Well…I don’t think he cares about that.
Hobart: Wtf Otto, you’re the Hand. Open his eyes, mofo.
Tyland: My king, I have some tea from the Stepstones. The crabfeeder pulled a surprise attack.
Viserys: *thoughts* Wtf not this again.
Viserys: Not now, Tyland.
Tyland: But it’s like a national emergency.
Viserys: Dude, it’s been three years. That shit can wait. It’s my son’s birthday. Now, forget about it and eat.
Viserys, to Lyonel: Is everything ready?
Lyonel: Yep, Jason wants us there by noon, I think.
Viserys: Hmm, btw, have you seen Rhae-Rhae?
Lyonel: Uh, no.
Tyland: My king-
Viserys: Wtf Tyland, I said not now.
Tyland: But we have to-
Viserys: *ignores him*
Viserys, to Criston: Where tf is Rhae-Rhae?
Criston: Uh, Idk.
Tyland: The Velaryons and your lil bro-
Viserys: Tyland, seriously?
Otto: Daemon and the Sea Snake started this shit on their own. Whatever happens, that shit is their problem alone.
Viserys: *frustrated* CAN SOMEONE JUST FUCKING TELL ME WHERE RHAE-RHAE IS?!
. . . . .
Rhaenyra: *having a picnic alone in the godswood, listening repeatedly to a live performance of an artist on spotify while reading*
Samwell: *song ends*
Rhaenyra: Again.
Samwell: Maybe you want to play the next song?
Rhaenyra: Nope. Just play it on loop.
Samwell: *starts playing again, then stops* Queen Ali.
Rhaenyra: Wtf I didn’t say pause. From the top.
Alicent: Rhae-Rhae?
Rhaenyra: Yes, Queen Ali.
Alicent: They need you in the courtyard, we’re about to leave.
Rhaenyra: Nope, I wanna stay here.
Alicent: Alright, Samwell, gtfo, I need to talk to Rhae-Rhae.
Rhaenyra: Wait, stay by order of the princess.
Alicent: I’m the queen, and I said gtfo.
Samwell: *bows and leaves*
Rhaenyra: *thoughts, mimicking Ali* I’m the queen, I can do whatever I want. Fucking bitch.
Alicent: Your dad wants you to come.
Rhaenyra: It’s not my birthday, I don’t need to be at the party.
Alicent: Rhae-Rhae, he wants us all to be together. I think it could be…fun? Idk.
Rhaenyra: Is it one of my dad’s orders?
Alicent: Well, yes, but-
Rhaenyra: *stands up* Then let’s go. Wtf are we still staying here for?
Alicent: But you shouldn’t worry about it, Rhae-Rhae. It’s-
Rhaenyra: *leaves* K bye.
. . . . .
Viserys: This is nice. Going on a roadtrip with my family.
Rhaenyra: *forces out a smile* …sure.
*carriage hit turbulence in the rocky road*
Alicent: *holds her belly*
Rhaenyra: Wtf. You’re pregnant. Why did you even agree to travel?
Alicent: Maester said I should breath in fresh air.
Viserys: You’ll be a mom soon, Rhae-Rhae. Then I’ll be a proud granddaddy.
Rhaenyra: Uh, no.
Alicent: It’s not that bad.
Rhaenyra: My mom died giving birth to my lil’ bro, so…
Viserys: Well, maybe you should come with me later and-
Rhaenyra: Eh, no. Boars are so yucky.
Viserys: Wtf did you expect? It’s a hunt. How would you like to join us then?
Rhaenyra: I’m not even sure why I’m here, dad.
Viserys: Rhae-Rhae, you’re my baby girl. The princess. It’s your duty to-
Rhaenyra: As I’m always reminded, wtf.
Viserys: Wtf did you say?
Rhaenyra: I said, you sound like a broken record because you keep reminding me.
Viserys: If you did your fucking duties, you wouldn’t be reminded.
Rhaenyra: Why tf would I even care? No one’s here for me. [girl, I feel you.]
Viserys: *visibly and emotionally concerned*
. . . . .
Rhaenyra: *enters tent and mostly gets ignored*
Lady wives and Queen Ali: *gossiping over tea*
Larys: I don’t think I’m allowed to go hunting, can I sit here with you girls instead?
Queen Ali: Uh, I guess.
Larys: Yay!
Queen Ali: Btw ladies, this is Larys Strong. He’s Lyonel’s son.
Lynesse Hightower: They said the Stepstones is a place for savages.
Ciera Lannister: Maybe the princess can give us some tea about it.
Rhaenyra: Oh, Idk shit about the Stepstones.
Ciera Lannister: Your uncle started this whole thing.
Rhaenyra: Idk, we haven’t chat in years.
Ciera Lannister: Of course, since your daddy chose you instead of him.
Alicent: Daemon made his own choices, all that shit is his fault. That’s why Vis chose Rhae-Rhae because she’s amazing.
Rhaenyra: Omfg thanks bestie.
Joselyn Redwyne: Well, Daemon made a mess and the king must make it stop. He must send his bad bitches to end those mofos for good.
Rhaenyra: Why? We’re not at war.
Joselyn Redwyne: But we are. Even though your daddy is still in denial, your uncle and the Sea Snake dragged us into it.
Rhaenyra: Ok, you’re complaining about it, I understand. So tell me, how exactly is your crinkly old ass helping the sitch, hmm? By sitting here in a comfy chair, petting your dog, and eating cake?
Joselyn Redwyne: …
Larys:
Rhaenyra: I thought so. Later, you old bitches.
. . . . .
Jason, to Rhaenyra: Hi princess, I’m Jason Lannister.
Rhaenyra: I know, lol. You have lion patterns in your clothes.
Jason, to a servant: Hey, get the princess a drink.
Rhaenyra: Omfg you look familiar. Your twin bro serves my dad, right?
Jason: *hands Rhae-Rhae wine* Yes, I think because he likes all the boring meetings. Btw, this drink’s made in Lannisport and it’s the best ever.
Rhaenyra: Uh, sure.
Jason: This place is nice, but the one near my house is better. You been there?
Rhaenyra: Once, but I don’t remember much.
Jason: You can get a nice view of the Sunset Sea from my house. I don’t have a dragonpit, but don’t worry. I have the money to build one.
Rhaenyra: *confused* Why tf do you need a dragonpit?
Jason: Uh, because you have a dragon. I would do anything for my future wife. *wink-wink*
Rhaenyra: Wait
Rhaenyra: *walks out* WTF
. . . . .
Rhaenyra: DAD WHAT THE FUCK?!!
Viserys: Rhae-Rhae, what-
Rhaenyra: You’re marrying me off to some old bat? Wtf is wrong with you?
Viserys: Baby, you’re 17. You’re legal age now.
Rhaenyra: That old bat is arrogant and a fucking idiot!
Viserys: Rhae-Rhae, people have been coming to me asking for your hand. And I HAVE TRIED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT IT, BUT YOU JUST SHUT ME OUT EVERY FUCKING TIME!
Rhaenyra: BECAUSE I DON’T WANNA GET MARRIED!
Viserys: DON’T YOU DARE RAISE YOUR VOICE AT ME, YOUNG LADY!
Otto: Uh, my king, we’re in the middle of a party. So kindly just…shh.
Viserys, to Rhaenyra: You have to get married.
Viserys, to Otto: Wtf is it now?
Otto: Fyi, my bitches reports they saw a white hart stag. And think it will be the biggest tea for baby Aegon’s birthday party buffet.
. . . . .
Rhaenyra: *gets to her horse* I’m so getting tf out of here.
Criston: *sees Rhae-Rhae leaving* Wtf princess! Wait!
Rhaenyra: *ignores Crispy and leaves*
Criston: *gets into a horse and runs after Rhae-Rhae* WTF WTF WTF I have to protect her or it’s my head.
Criston: Princess, wait!
Rhaenyra: Go away, Crispy!
Criston: *catches up and stops the horses* You’re giving me a heart attack. Wtf happened back there?
Rhaenyra: My dad’s trying to marry me off to Jason Lannister. I mean, my daddy chose me as heir then just paired me off to some old bitch. Wtf is he thinking?
Criston: So…you want me to kill him?
Rhaenyra: *laughs* I wish.
Criston: I think we should go back to camp.
Rhaenyra: I don’t feel like going back yet. Maybe we should explore first.
Rhaenyra: Tell me, Crispy, did you ever got close to getting married?
Criston: Nope. I would’ve, but I chose to be kingsguard instead.
Rhaenyra: You’re so lucky you get to make decisions for yourself. Me on the other hand…
Criston: Rhae-Rhae, there are people who would love to take your place.
Rhaenyra: They’re only saying that because they’ve never been in my place, Crispy. I may be a princess, but I’m powerless.
Criston: No, you’re not. You literally had me in line to be a kingsguard. That’s not powerless. You’re a boss-ass bitch.
. . . . .
Viserys: *hunting and so bored* Are we there yet?
Hunstman: We’re following the trail, my king. The white hart is a symbol of royalty here, way before dragons came.
Otto: *excited* Omfg! This is so exciting! And this is happening on my grandson’s- I mean, Prince Aegon’s birthday! This is a sign!
Viserys: Uh…sure.
. . . . .
Viserys: *gets drunk*
Jason: Hi, my king. *shows him a spear* I had this made as a gift in honor of the baby prince.
Servant: *takes the spear*
Viserys: *lowkey unimpressed* This is nice, I guess.
Jason: I hope you’ll use that to kill the white hart stag.
Viserys: Uh, thanks for the spear.
Jason: Btw, I would love for Princess Rhae-Rhae to be my wife. If that happens, you will have strength.
Viserys: Wtf do we need more strength for?
Jason: Hey, if someone offers you more dragons, you’d take them, right?
Viserys: Bitch, do you even have dragons to offer?
Jason: ….
Jason: Btw, I have a big, nice house and Rhae-Rhae can live with me there. It wouldn’t be so bad after it gets taken from her.
Viserys: What will be taken from her?
Jason: Well, when you choose baby Aegon as heir.
Viserys: Why tf would I do that?
Jason: Well-you have a baby boy now. People just assume-
Viserys: People? So there’s many of you? Son of a bitch. Are you fucking questioning me about my choices on who’s going to sit after me?
Jason: Uh, no. I mean-
Viserys: Wtf I thought long and hard to choose Rhae-Rhae as the heir. The bitches in the kingdom should fucking remember that.
Jason: …
Viserys: Btw, thanks for the gift.
Jason: K bye.
Otto: My king. The white hart will be found, don’t worry. Btw, what do you think of Jason’s idea?
Viserys: It’s ridiculous. That bitch has a bigger head than I thought.
Otto: You’re not just Rhae-Rhae’s dad, you’re the king. You command her something, she’ll have no choice but to do it.
Viserys: I don’t want that for my baby girl. I want her to be happy.
Otto: I have another idea, btw. Maybe marry her off to her bro?
Viserys:
Viserys: Are you fucking serious?
Otto: Yeah, I mean-
Viserys: Rhae-Rhae’s 17 and Aegon is 2. WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
Otto: But-
Viserys:
Viserys: Bitch, I came here to hunt. Not to talk about this nonsense!
Otto: Sorry. So sorry, my king. I have to go now.
. . . . .
Lyonel: I already sent people to find Rhae-Rhae, my king. Crispy Coleslaw went after her, so maybe they’re together.
Viserys: *drunk af* Where have I failed at parenting? I tell her to not do something, and she’ll do the exact opposite. Some king I am.
Lyonel: When your granddaddy Jaehaerys was king, there was peace. But his babies also drove him crazy. It runs in the family. Lol
Viserys: *drinks more wine*
Lyonel: Uh, don’t you wanna hear what I think?
Viserys: Lemme guess, you want her to marry one of your sons?
Lyonel: Lol no, I think she should marry the Sea Snake’s son, Laenor. He’s like the heir to the richest house in Westeros so technically, he’s the best option. Also, I think the Sea Snake’s still salty when you rejected his proposal to marry his baby girl. I just hope ser Laenor makes it out alive of the Stepstones though.
Viserys: Huh, that’s actually a great idea. I’ll think about that.
. . . . .
Criston: Princess, I really think we should get back to camp.
Rhaenyra: I think I like it better here.
Criston: I’m pretty sure, your daddy’s worried about you.
Rhaenyra: Idgaf if he’s worried or not.
Criston:…ok.
Rhaenyra: Hey Crispy, do you think I’d be accepted as queen?
Criston: They’ll have no choice, lol. Your daddy already made you his heir.
Horse: *uneasy* I sense something coming.
Rhaenyra: Omfg wtf was that?
Criston: *pulls sword* Stay calm, I got it.
Boar: *charges at Rhae-Rhae*
Rhaenyra: WTF CRISPY HELP!
Criston: *stabs the boar*
Boar: *still oinking* bitch you thought-
Rhaenyra: *stabs it repeatedly* JUST! FUCKING! DIE! ALREADY!
. . . . .
Viserys: *drinking and standing by the bonfire*
Alicent: Hey, you ok?
Viserys: *drunk ranting* I chose Rhae-Rhae to protect Westeros from Daemon. She’s my only baby. The realm’s delight.
Alicent: Uh, Viserys?
Viserys: *continues ranting*
Alicent: Ok, Vis. You’re drunk. Get some rest.
. . . . .
Otto: We didn’t find the white hart, but we did find this other stag.
Harwin: It’s not the white hart, my king. But he’s a big one.
Jason: *hands him the spear* Spear for the kill!
Viserys: *takes the spear* Alright, let’s do this.
Viserys: *stabs the stag*
Viserys: Ok, we’re done here.
. . . . .
Rhaenyra: *looks over the view of the Kingswood* Omfg it really is pretty here.
White Hart Stag: *shows up* Hey yow, Princess.
Criston: *grabs his sword*
Rhaenyra: No, it’s ok, Crispy.
White Hart Stag: K bye. *leaves*
. . . . .
Rhaenyra and Criston: *returns to camp with the dead boar*
Everyone: *gasps*
Rhaenyra: *covered in blood* I’m back, bitches! Miss me?
Everyone: WTF
Harwin:
Jason:
Rhaenyra: I brought a boar to be cooked, You’re all fucking welcome!
. . . . .
Alicent, to Otto: Hi daddy.
Otto: Did you enjoy the family trip?
Alicent: Uh, sure.
Otto: How’s my grandbaby?
Alicent: He’s fine. People are fond of him, btw.
Otto: Of course, he’s cute. Also, he’s the future king.
Alicent: Dad, isn’t Rhae-Rhae the heir?
Otto: Aegon is the baby boy. Rhae-Rhae is a girl.
Alicent: So?
Otto: So, he’s ahead in the succession. As boys always are before the girls.
Alicent: I can’t have my baby steal Rhae-Rhae’s birthright.
Otto: It’s Aegon’s. Why are you in denial about this?
Alicent: But-
Otto: You have to convince him.
Alicent: Wtf
. . . . .
Alicent: Hey, Vis. How you feeling?
Viserys: *still drunk, continues to rant about Rhae-Rhae*
Alicent: …
Alicent: *sees a letter on the table* Wtf is that?
Viserys: A letter from the Sea Snake’s lil’ bro.
Alicent: *reads the letter* Omfg, they’re asking for help. Why aren’t we sending help?
Viserys: Because it was started by two idiots who were not happy with my decisions. And if I do send help, what will the people say about me, huh?
Alicent: Uh, that you’re a good guy who loves his baby brother?
Viserys: …
Viserys: I’m gonna have to do the right thing here, aren’t I?
Alicent:
Viserys: Dammit.
. . . . .
Viserys, to Addam: Deliver this to my lil’ bro to Dwarfstone.
Addam: Yes, my king. K bye.
Rhaenyra: Dwarfstone? Wtf is going on?
Viserys: I’m sending help to your uncle Daemon.
Rhaenyra: *doesn’t believe it* Uncle Daemon asked for help?
Viserys: Nah, he’d die if I wouldn’t so…
Rhaenyra: *squeaks in Dolores Madrigal*
Viserys: Am I wrong for doing it?
Rhaenyra: Does it even matter what I think?
Viserys: Daemon is giving me enough headaches without you adding to it. Why do you keep adding to it?
Rhaenyra: If this is about that old bat-
Viserys: I’m sorry, Rhae-Rhae. I’m just trying to help you, that’s it. What wrong with that?
Rhaenyra: Because you have a new favorite! And it’s Alicent’s baby boy. I mean, I know you’ve always wanted a son and now you have one. What does that make me now, daddy?
Viserys: Rhae-Rhae, wtf are you talking about?
Rhaenyra: Daddy, everyone knows it. Even Jason Lannister knows it.
Viserys: Baby, we marry for advantage, to gain more allies, and strengthen our army. You already know this, right? I was promised to your mommy.
Rhaenyra: I know, wtf. I’ve heard this story a million times.
Viserys: I loved your mommy. She made me who I am today. Look, I’m not replacing you. That never even came to me. I just want to see you happy.
Rhaenyra: You think finding a hubby for myself would do that?
Viserys: I’m saying a family.
Rhaenyra: I had a family. But you know…*shrugs*
Viserys: Wtf do you want me to do?
Rhaenyra: Daddy, please. If it was for advantage, you would’ve married Laena Velaryon.
Viserys: …
Viserys: *lowkey impressed* *thoughts* Omfg she speaks the truth.
Viserys: I mean…you’re not wrong.
Viserys: But seriously, you have get married. I don’t care who it is, as long as you’re happy.
Rhaenyra: Thanks, daddy.
Viserys: Rhae-Rhae. I promise you, in your mommy’s memory, you will always be my favorite.
. . . . .
Corlys: We need to keep fighting. We can’t give up now.
Laenor: It’s pointless, dad. When we’re not attacking, they come out. But when we attack, they hide.
Vaemond: Because they know they’d be barbequed if they do. The caves are their bunker, they ain’t comin’ out unless they have to.
Laenor: Then we give them a reason to come out of the bunker. We’ll need a volunteer to go in and wave a surrender flag for show.
Corlys: Ok, but who?
Vaemond: Yeah, who? Who actually has balls to go there and say ‘it’s over, you win’, huh?
Laenor: Idk, Daemon?
Vaemond: He’s the fucking reason we’re losing, wtf!
Laenor: Oh, I’m sorry, wtf have you done while we were all working our asses off to win? Complain all the fucking time!
Corlys: That’s enough. We don’t have time for this shit.
Vaemond: Wtf! We obviously need help. But y’all are too proud to ask for it.
Corlys, to Vaemond: Lil’ bro, I swear to god stop being such a drama queen!
Daemon: *arrives late* I’m here! Sorry I’m late. Air traffic. What I miss?
Vaemond: If we don’t do anything, we’ll all die here.
Addam: *surprise entrance* Prince Daemon, I brought you some tea from your big bro, the king. *hands him a letter*
Daemon: *takes and reads the letter*
The Letter: Hey, lil’ bro. I’m sending you help. Look, I know we fight a lot but whatever happens you’re still my lil’ bro and I don’t wanna see you fail. Hope you come home soon.
Daemon: *beats the shit out of Addam*
Laenor: *grabs Daemon* Wtf are you doing?
Daemon, to Addam: Get your fucking ass out of here!
Corlys: Wtf, Daemon?
Laenor: Btw, if we're going to win this, we need someone to-
Daemon:
Daemon, rowing to the Stepstones: *mumbles* Viserys thought I can’t do anything right? Huh, I’ll show him. Imma win this shit right now. I don’t need his fucking help.
Daemon:
Crabfeeder Army: *gets out of the caves* Kill him!
Laenor, on Seasmoke: *burns the crabfeeder army* Dracarys, bitches!
Crabfeeder Army: *gets barbequed*
Velaryon Army: Let’s finish these mofos!
Crabfeeder Archers: Kill them all!
Laenor, on Seasmoke: Did you forget about me? Dracarys!
Crabfeeder Archers: *gets barbequed*
Daemon: *goes after the Crabfeeder and kills him*
Daemon: *coming out of the cave with the Crabfeeder’s upper body* IT’S OVER! WE WON! IN YOUR FACE, VISERYS! I DIDN’T NEED YOUR FUCKING HELP!
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
I promise I'll upload every episode before the season finale. Please don't hate me.
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