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#maybe ill get better at this with practice
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Pretty. | Bolting Down Booths
logline; locking down chairs and a sweaty sleep deprived man (for now) (for the night) (platonically) (for now) (what?) (I didn't say anything).
series history, this is the third; First, Second
portion; 4.5k+
possible allergies; Negative self-talk (baby, Tony's mentally ill, get WITH it). We are once again, eatin' meat (beef!). Did I give the reader a curly girl routine? ....Perhaps...
pairing; Carmen 'Carmy' Berzatto & Fem Reader (No pronouns, but 'girl' is thrown around quite a bit.)
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is this entire series just a love letter to me wanting to take care of this guy? maybe so. maybe so.
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Lifesaver. Lifesaver. Lifesaver.
Alright, fuck, you need to put on something to listen to because the thought isn’t leaving and the cherry lifesaver swirling in your mouth is so ironic that it’s leaving a bitter taste.
It’s after hours at The Bear, just after midnight, and you’ve returned to a clinically cleaned restaurant, ‘Ah… Syd keeps it locked in.’ and you’re thankful that you’re alone because it means everyone’s getting their proper rest. However, it also means your intrusive thoughts are really drilling in tonight.
You drop your phone on one of the booth tables, blasting music at full volume. That’s better. Little more static to work with now. You measure each booth and table for the third time tonight, rechecking that the angles are exactly as Syd had asked. They’re still perfect. Alright, get a move on, it’s not gonna somehow get more correct than correct…
You slip yourself under the table, verifying that the bolts are the proper fit— Also for the third time today. Hey, what if Home Depot fucked you earlier?! It’s important to check! You’re definitely not unreasonably anxious right now! But your power drill is practically screaming to be used at this point, so you acquiesce.
You’re on the last bolt when you hear a click of the front door opening.
“Fuck!” It scares you so shitless you jump and knock the top of your head on the table. You lay down quickly, back pressed to the floor to get a look at the perp. You point your power drill menacingly toward the front door.
Oh.
“Fuck are you doing here?” You and Carmen manage to speak in perfect unison.
There’s a beat before you opt to go first.
“Bolting.” Still lying under the table. You raise your drill upward, revving it a few times.
He swallows, sniffs, and scratches his nose. “Thought you were doing that tomorrow?”
“Technically it is tomorrow.” He scoffs, so you continue. “No, uh, Nat asked if I could come in after hours so I’m not as much of an active tripping hazard.” You gesture to yourself on the floor.
“Smart.” He rubs his eyes. He looks red and pink all over.
“…Thought you were getting off early today?”
“I did.” He clears his throat when you make a face about it. “I—I uh, did leave early, I just, just thought I’d come in and uh… Do some work.”
He rubs the back of his neck, continuing after a beat. “I’m, I’m uh, I’m good— In, in the kitchen.”
You chew at your inner cheek, staring at a very clearly distressed Carmy. His eyes are lined red, hair is in disarray.
“…Did you do it?” Did you break up with your girlfriend?
“…Yeah. I-I did.”
You just nod, thoughtful, before slipping back under the table, finishing drilling in the last bolt. “If you need a palate tester, lemme know.”
“Heard.”
The moment is soft but then cut short by you scrambling to quiet your phone atop your table when a perfectly unfitting upbeat song starts to sing out at max volume. He hides his smile poorly as he heads into the kitchen.
It’s a nice hour or so, in the front of house. You drill each bolt efficiently, grounding each booth and table in their place permanently. Your tunes play at a much lower volume now, careful to not alert the lone chef in the back. The intrusive thoughts have vanished with Carmen around, even if distant. He might not consider himself a brightening presence, but to you, he certainly is a nice lamp.
You stand up finally, finished, doing a big stretch of your arms and a crack of your back. You notice Carmen looking at you through the glass. He looks away, then back again, raising a hand, motioning for you to come in. Looks like you finished right on time.
It smells fucking incredible in here. You’re once again trying to temper your reaction as you pass through the door, not wanting to stroke his ego, but he’s already clocked it. It’s okay, you clock his boyish smirk of pride before he hides it with his hand, so you’re even.
On the steel table, plated— On their one black plate, because he’s not over having to settle for less— Are three perfectly cubed and seared pieces of marbled meat, glazed mushrooms, and some round breaded things that you’re not quite sure about. All perfectly plated and decorated with greens, parsley, specifically.
You step next to him, staring at the plate intently, taking it in visually. “Well?”
He hums in a way that sounds like a laugh, arms crossed. He stares at his own plate just as intently. “Pan-seared Wagyu— Sirloin. Wild mushrooms, basted in the same fat. Hazelnut-potato croquettes—”
“What the fuck is that?”
He doesn’t miss a beat, he just smiles— In a way that looks actually kind of genuine. He likes to teach. “Seasoned mashed potatoes, basically. Breaded with bread crumbs and hazelnut, in this case, and fried. There’s a gruyere center, to this one.”
You don’t miss the fact that he’s not stuttering anymore. He’s right. He’s good in the kitchen. In all the ways that entails.
“Test?” He lifts a fork to you. You take it.
You lean forward, elbow on the table. You take polite, small cuts of each part of the meal initially, it feels bad to destroy what is an art piece.
But then he leans forward, head meeting your level, amusement lilting his voice. “You know it’s a compliment to eat?”
You huff, taking a larger piece of everything to get it all in one bite. Everything is so soft and lush that you don’t need a knife. Goddamn. You take your bite. Son of a bitch.
You thought fucking brisket was good?
“Oh my god.” You put your hand in front of your mouth as you chew, switching your gaze to him. “Carmen, oh my fucking god!”
“Yeah?” His glow is slowly coming back to him, like a flickering halo. “Don’t pull punches.”
“Fuckin’— So good! What is it, fire? Excellent? What’s the top one? I’m angry that it’s this good.”
“Angry is a new one.”
“I’m furious!” You laugh, “I always thought luxury dining was fuckin’ scam, I’m not gonna lie to you. But I— I took one bite and I’m incredibly full and— And, it’s just— It’s really really good, Carm—Chef. Gotta show it to Syd for the menu.”
He nods, smiling, finally, unhidden. “Thank you, Chef.”
He grabs the fork from you to try for himself, but before he can get to his own plate, you press the back of your hand to his chest, holding him back. “Uh, ah, can I do a thing, for you?”
He squints, curiously, putting his fork down. “…Yes?”
You grin, walking around the kitchen the second he affirms it. “Where’s your wine box?”
“Ah… By expo, over…” He points to it.
You pop it open, hand waving over each bottle for the right one you’re searching for. “I’ll pay for it.”
“S’fine.”
A young Pinot Grigio, you go with. Ripe, sweet, airy. You walk by him again, grazing your hand on the small of his back and placing the bottle in front of him. “Open, don’t pour.”
“Heard.” He roots away for the bottle opener.
“And get me a clean knife and cutting board!”
“Fuck are you doin?” He doesn’t complain, getting what you ask for, but he is quite curious.
You sort through the fruit pantry in Marcus’ section, grabbing the most perfect white peach you can— It wouldn’t be perfect by morning, he won’t mind. “I am an occasional bartender and poor man’s sommelier…”
You meet him back at his station, slicing the peach thinly with the knife he’s left for you. “So, when I’m given the chance to pair a meal, I try to.”
You halve the thin slices, then place a few in each glass Carmen’s so kindly set out for you— Tulip bowled cups. You whistle, “You know your shit…”
His eyes light up, just a bit. He shrugs, handing you the uncorked bottle when you reach for it. “My job.”
“You’re good at it.” You pour the wine, proper— No stops missed for Carmen. “Okay, okay, okay…”
You hand him his glass— The one you think you did a slightly better peach placement on. “Alright, now you can have the dish you worked hard on.”
With a small smile, he takes a generous bite of his dish, takes his time digesting it, then sips your wine. He tilts his head, surprised by how much of a liking he’s taking to it. “S’fire. Well worth it.”
You sip your own glass, smiling, you explain before he can ask you to. “Yeah? Good. Citrusy white to cut the fat of wagyu. Or something. Poor man’s sommelier, y’know.”
“Hm.” He sniffs, and you try not to light up when he writes down the wine pairing at the bottom of his drafted recipe card. “Better than me.”
There’s a comfortable silence before he speaks up again. “You gonna head out?”
You squint at him, head tilted. “Are you?”
Once you know one Berzatto, you’ve known them all. Their tells included.
“…Eventually, yeah.”
“You drive?”
“I take the L.”
“Are you on the red or blue line?”
He doesn’t answer. So, that tells you he’s not on the only two 24-hour lines.
“…I’ll take a transfer—”
“When were you planning on going?” You cross your arms; he can tell where this is going and he hates it. You’re foiling his plan.
“When I’m done.”
“Done what?”
“…Cleaning.”
“I’ll help you,” You pick up the cutting board and knife swiftly. “I’ll give you a ride home.”
“I need to get work done—Too.” He takes a while to reply, but when he does, he speaks with haste.
You pause, putting the cutting board down. Let’s do the math here.
He said he came in ‘early’ this morning, but ‘early’ probably meant overnight because of the Fridge Guy. He left early, sure, before the dinner rush— But only to experience his first breakup—If you can call it that. Then he’s come back at midnight again, after everyone else has left. The likelihood he’s slept since the night before his opening isn’t impossible, but if he did sleep, he slept here. And he definitely hasn’t showered. He’s likely been awake 40 hours.
You nod, picking up the board again, walking it to the sink. You stand over it in thought.
“What’s wrong with home, Carm?”
“It’s gonna hit, if I go home.”
He swallows, “Everything’s gonna hit, when I go home.”
Now that you can understand. You nod, scrubbing the cutting board clean. “When your brother died, I holed up at my parents’ for two weeks.”
You don’t turn off the sink, even after you're done cleaning, because if you do, you fear he will hear your tell-tale heartbeat. “When I came back, my plants were half dead and my fridge was a biohazard.”
He sniffs, he’s waiting for the shoe to drop, for you to tell him he has to go home, that it only gets worse if you wait it out, that he needs to find a better way to deal with this—
“You can hole up at mine.”
When he doesn’t reply, you turn your head to look at him. He’s very hard to read but it looks like he’s entertaining the idea. You add, for the sake of levity, “You need a fuckin’ shower, man.”
He smirks, though the amusement doesn’t meet his eyes. “When I shower all my fuckin’ hairs gonna fall out.” He piles his dirtied utensils and boards, sidling up to the sink next to you.
“You need rosemary water.” You grab a dish rag, switching over to dry for him.
“Does that shit actually work?” You both quickly ebb into the domestic flow of handing off dishes. He mumbles ‘left-most drawer’, ‘top-shelf, right side’, and so on whenever you’re confused about where they go once they’re dry.
“It does. I have also had the ‘am I balding?’ crisis. Believe it or not.”
He stares at your hairline so intently you put your hand in front of it, flustered. He finally flicks his gaze back to yours. “If you’re really worried, you can make it pretty easy—”
“I’ll stay over.”
You take a second to register, then nod happily.
“Good. Where’s the black plate go?”
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Your apartment is surprising because it’s built on top of an H&R Block, the concrete stairs leading up to it are chipped to hell, and the front door has clearly been graffitied then painted over then graffitied then painted over then graf—
And yet, it is almost certainly one of the best-looking apartments he’s seen in Chicago— On the inside at least.
None of the furniture matches, but it’s nice, it’s eclectic. It’s heavily thrifted and upcycled from furniture you found on the side of the road. That’s the nice thing, about being a fixer—Nothing’s trash if you believe in yourself. You drop your keys in a handmade clay tray— That’s the other thing Carm notices, so much of this is you alone.
The place is a mess, there’s half-finished projects in the corner of every room, tools strewn in odd places. And it’s perfectly welcoming. Warm. In a literal sense, too, because there’s a humidifier going off on a timer in the living room to make what Carmen estimates are your forty thousand plants and cuttings happy.
This is a perfect apartment because you live in it.
Nothing can hit, in here.
He comes back to reality when you reach your hand out to him, there’s a coat hanger in your other hand. Oh. Jacket.
“Oh, fuck.” He peels off his jacket, handing it to you. “I uh, I left your Carhartt at work.”
“S’fine, if I was in a rush for it back, I would’ve asked.” You brush off easily, hanging up the jean jacket in your small coat closet. “Ah…”
Your apartment has a pretty open layout, but you point at everything regardless.
“There’s the kitchen…” It’s on the right at the entry, with an open archway— Which you’re in the middle of rounding the corners on with plywood.
“The living room…” Straight ahead, he can see the half of it that isn’t blocked by the kitchen. You’ve got big windows, with a fire escape. Suncatchers and more plants are hanging from the ceiling by it.
“To the left, down the hall— The only hall, bathrooms on the right and straight ahead is the bedroom, you can put your shit there.”
His brows furrow, you say the last part quickly, and he’s going to say something but you grab the black plate he’s brought and brush past him to the kitchen.
So, he just shrugs off his backpack, “Heard.” And heads down the hall. For now.
It feels odd to put this very fancy, very expensive one black plate on top of the rest of your own cheap dishware— But he insisted you take it, so, here it is.
You march down the hall, going to grab towels for him from your room, but stop short when you hear him in the bathroom, mumbling, “Fuck is this?”
You peek in, “Fuck is what?” You come in when he turns the bottle in his hand for you to look at. You stare at it for a solid few seconds, genuinely alarmed, you look at Carmen with wide eyes.
“Carmy, look me in my eyes and tell me you know what conditioner is.”
“I—I know what conditioner is, but what are all the words for?”
“All the words?”
“Like, strengthening, bonding, texture—”
“Carmen?!”
“Don’t say my name like that…”
“You have wavy hair, too, Bear!” You stare wide-eyed, mouth in an open-mouth smile because if you don’t laugh you’ll start screaming. You swipe away the hair in front of his face, holding the tress between your fingers to get an idea of texture. You’re too focused to clock the way he flinches— At the nickname and the touch.
“We’ve got like, the same hair texture! What the fuck are you using?”
He doesn’t answer, he opens his mouth but nothing comes out.
“Carmen…” You can make a pretty good guess. He bristles again. He has discovered does not like it when you say his name with any sort of animosity or disappointment.
“Carmen no… Two in One?”
“…Five in One.”
“Five in One?!” You clutch the sides of your head. “What are the Five?!”
He waves his hands in defense, “It’s—”
“Y’know what, don’t fuckin’ tell me, I don’t wanna know, I don’t need to know.” You cover your face and shake your head. “Just— I will get you clothes and a towel, wash—” You reach into your shower, grabbing your fruity body wash. “—Wash yourself with this, like a civilized person— And just don’t— Don’t touch your hair, I’ll take care of your hair after you shower.”
“You’ll take care—”
“You’ve lost your hair privileges; I will be taking up the arms.”  You pinch the bridge of your nose, “I just—You need a tutorial, please.”
He holds the body wash in his hand, debating this fight or not, “I think five is—”
“Just fuckin’ say heard.”
“Heard.”
Despite everything, you both laugh. You tap the doorway on your way out, yelling to no one as you turn back down the hall. “Corner!” It’s worth it when he laughs again.
Ironically, the one shirt you know will fit him that you have is ‘The Berf’, so you grab that. Pants are a bit tougher, but with enough scrounging through your closet you find a long-forgotten pair of sweatpants your brother left here ages ago.
You approach the bathroom door, it’s still ajar, so you invite yourself in. He’s staring at your skincare products with a clinical fascination, stopping only to acknowledge your presence.
“Alright, alright.” You pop your pile of things down on the sink counter, handing each thing to him individually.
“New toothbrush.” Still packaged. It’s got your dentist’s address on the clear plastic. “Pyjamas. Towel, wash cloth— I think you’re good.”
When you turn your head to look at him, you catch the tail end of him staring— Again, his eye contact is so soft and also scary. And now that the sleep is catching up to him, he’s half-lidded and— Goddamn it he is very pretty, sonofabitch.
He straightens up, sniffing, nodding as a form of thanks, the likelihood he’s registered anything you’ve said isn’t likely— Which is fine, you are now too flustered to care. There’s a boy in your house and you’ve just discovered he’s pretty.
“I’m just gonna wash my face n’ grab a few things and I’ll be out of your way.”
You wash your hands; he unwraps his toothbrush. And without verbally checking in, you once again flow into a silent rhythm. You grab your toothbrush, dole out toothpaste on both of your brushes, and stare at yourselves and each other in the mirror, side by side as you brush.
You make a face, and while he doesn’t fuckin’ guffaw, he does smile, foam peeking through the corners of his mouth, and that’s enough for you.
You rinse— You try to be dainty about it but it’s not, because when has brushing your teeth ever been dignified?
You pump face cleanser into your palm, then nod to him to do the same. Good Carm, he listens. Like a mime tutorial, he follows your actions of foaming it in the hands and properly washing his face. There’s hope for this five in one boy yet.
You pile together your skincare and leave him to shower in peace. More importantly, leave to let yourself lose it in peace.
Oh my god there’s a pretty boy in your bathroom and it’s two in the morning. What the fuck were you thinking? You just invited him over without hesitation? You met him like barely two days ago! Oh my god! There’s a pretty boy in your bathroom! And it’s two! In the morning!
You need to kill the teenage girl in your head because she’s freaking you the fuck out. You were literally being so calm and chill and cool and cool and chill and calm— Oh my god you’re doing it again—
Everything is fine. He’s literally here because he’s experiencing a torrential downpour of awful. You invited him over because you’d invite anyone like that over. Pretty or not. Get your head in order.
You take a deep, mindful breath and exhale, returning to neutral as you meditatively go through your skincare routine and change into your nice pajamas— Y’know, the one modest matching set for when you have guests or go somewhere. Instead of the one usual incredibly stained oversized t-shirt.
You set up a chair by your kitchen sink, towel on the back for comfort. You were serious about the hair thing. Your scalp and his are curly girl sisters, you cannot leave them to die like this.
When he comes out, knots in his back undone, steam wafting, grime finally removed, he approaches you with much more energy, and leans against the doorway. You both speak at once.
“Weird to see you out of uniform.”
You snort; he flattens his mouth into a line to keep from smiling too hard (which, for Carmen, would really just mean smiling with his teeth). But really, it is weird. You’re both suddenly… People. You can see all his tattoos and his stupid gold chain...And he can see you.
You kick the chair with your foot, gesturing to it. “Sit, I’m washing your hair.”
You’re walking past him before he’s got the chance to deny, collecting proper products from the bathroom to use. Y’know. Not fucking five in one.
Once again, good Carm listens, sitting in the chair. Not without complaints, though. “Big fan of babying people?”
You wrap the towel behind his neck, tilting his head back into the sink. If you pretend, it’s like a salon. You hum in reply, blunt, “Yeah, I am.”
“I like to take care of people. In a way, it’s kind of my job.” You re-rinse his hair once the water is warm— Thank God your kitchen faucet is a sprayer.
“You’re good at it.” He’s too comfortable and lethargic to be aggro about this, so he’s just sweet and honest. It’s hard not to beam.
“I try.” You massage shampoo through his scalp, “I know I’m pushy about it, sometimes.”
He sighs, a breath of relief. When’s the last time someone else washed his hair? He’s been cutting his own for years, he cannot remember the last time. Had to have been before New York.
“Were you pushy with Mikey?” He’s not fully sure why he said that, and he’s waiting for you to make him regret asking it.
You just hum, nostalgically amused, “I think I got pushy because of Mikey.”
“Stopped hoping my friends would take care of themselves with the right tools and decided to just take care of them myself.” You rinse the bubbles from his hair. You’re happy to see his wavy pattern returning.
“A lot of work.”
“Not to me.”
You pump conditioner into your hand— And while he’d probably love for you to elaborate on that point, you have to pivot, “Alright, this part you actually should pay attention to— When you condition— Because you will be conditioning, from this point on.”
He just grunts in reply, but it sounds like enough of a yes to you.
“—When you do it, you’ll hang your head upside down and apply conditioner from the bottom— You gotta like, squeeze your hair in it—” You do the proper routine, squelching his hair, does he laugh at the sound? Yes. Yes, he does. “It’ll sound like that. And then rinse.”
You look at his peaceful, amused expression. His eyes closed. “Heard.”
“Are you retaining any of this?”
“I said heard, didn’t I?”
You just scoff, rinsing his hair. You teach him how to scrunch with the towel, but his eyes are so dazed during it you give the poor boy a break and don’t explain that what you’re putting in his hair is mousse. He might have an aneurysm if you use a ‘food word’ in relation to hair right now.
“Alright, alright, the exhaustion is setting in, let’s get you to bed before you start seeing spiders.” You take his arm and hoist him up. Everything is fine until this bozo tries walking to the living room while you’re trying to pull him down the hall. You once again, speak in sync.
“What’re you doing?”
“I’m taking the couch.”
He now realizes why you spoke so quickly about him putting his things away in your room instead of the living room. It’s like you just awoke every Italian ancestor in his bones because he is immediately alert.
“No, you’re not.”
That’s fine because he’s in your household, motherfucker. Your family tree is in the furniture.
“You’re the guest. You take the bed.”
“You’re the host. You take the bed.”
“I’m the one that invited you.”
“And what? You’re the girl.”
At a point, you are both speaking with your hands, words tumbling on top of each other's.
“Bitch—” “It’s just not right—” “I literally made you come over specifically to get proper rest—” “I will be haunted all night by my Nonna if you sleep on the couch—” “The couch is a pull-out, it’s comfortable!” “Then let me use it!” “No!”
This is going nowhere fast.
“My own grandmother takes the couch when I visit. She would throw me off my own balcony if I made a guest take the couch.” Is your hard stance.
And his, “My Nonno would stab me if I let a pretty girl sleep on a couch.”
Now this does immediately shut you the fuck up.
That doesn’t mean he’s won; he’s also shut the fuck up. A slip-up of mutually assured destruction.
You bite back your wheeze of shocked laughter, and you’re very thankful it’s two in the morning now because the moonlight through the window doesn’t entirely catch your reaction of being embarrassingly bashful in this moment. How did the teen girl in you survive? You were so sure you got her…
Your hands hang in the air for a moment, before you finally manage to say, “Either I take the couch—”
“No—”
“Or, it’s a double, so we share it.” You shrug, wringing your hands, “So whichever one you find the least sacrilege.”
God, there’s no simple way to make that not sound like you’re coming onto him, is there? You’re not, for the record. It’s just the fastest solution. You’ve shared beds before, it’s not a big deal— It’s actually only a big deal if you make it one, it’s actually very normal—Get this fucking teen out of here—!
“Fuckin’— Alright!” He huffs after thinking on it for some time, rubbing his forehead in some sort of anguish before marching down the hall.
When you don’t follow, he clicks his teeth. “C’mon, Tony.” His tone is languid and aggravated.
Ah, the sweet sound of a man who has had to compromise— But will be damned if he doesn’t get his part of said compromise. Also the sound of a man who really wishes he hadn't just said pretty girl.
You follow him to your room. Fuck it. Say the thing. You've been trying to keep a level social playing field with him anyway.
“Heard, pretty boy!"
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two idiots realize the other one is pretty and nice and try to not acknowledge it (DIFFICULTY LEVEL: IMPOSSIBLE)
Would you believe me if I said I was trying to not do the 'one bed' trope? I really was! I'm not a huge trope guy! But writing it down I was like 'neither of these people would fucking fold'. The only other option would be for both of them to stare at each other in the hallway for 8 hours and come to no agreement. Did not plan Pretty Girl but thank god because it was the only thing that would get them out of that time loop.
It's always my favourite thing when a person who's been cavalier when it comes to boundaries suddenly finds their line (he's pretty) and is now immediately so hyphy. I hope you also messed with this.
Tell me your thoughts!! Favourite bits, lines, etc!! Feeds me!! (Oh, speaking of fed, shout out to Daniel NYC, I did steal their menu for this. I'll probably do it again because I am not a Michelin Star Chef.)
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plulp · 7 months
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IM NOT A DOCTOR BUT I THINK I MIGHT BE ABLE TO HELP
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lemongogo · 5 months
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can i ask.how u guys practice ur creativity <3 how u practice ur imagination or like.. how u experiment with ur art, how u come to ideas and how u develop them.<3 pretty please <3
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#smthing i have always struggled w.is feeling like i can only draw things that r handed 2 me.#as in.an idea or concept that already exists#chara or conflict that already exists.Scene that alr exists.#and i think it can be soo limiting bc when i have that sort of creative desire but nothing 2 reflect off of it#i feel like im unable to do anything/get anywhere bc im unable to do that mental legwork myself ykwim#like comic artists r SOOO JAW DROP INSPIRING TO MEE bc not only are u envisioning ur own sequences/situations#but u are able to imagine even the most MUNDANE interactions within those scenarios u know#like the transitory panels and the quiet moments and the every day stillness#and i feel like.its not even a poor attempt on my behalf its like.i cant Even attempt it.like my brain is soo empty#and soo static and noiseless that i am like gauhh......#i can practice lines all day long and practice colors and practice anatomy or Whatever bc its something concrete#and its in front of me and i can pry apart the physical technicalities until i understand it better#but my MIND???ABSTRACTION>? THOUGHTS .ough its so hard#and i really want to push past that but i dont know how and its so .. demoralizing to think that ill get there One Day but i feel#one million and two days away.and not making active process towards it.#i know the first step is to build ur visual library and i feel liek. idk i FEEL LIKEEE theres more 2 it that im missing#but also im depressed as hell n my job is killing my creative drive and the seasonal stuff isnt helping#so maybe i just need 2 give it time (true) but i also like.man i dont know. i want 2 do something w my hands#but everything ive been doing so far has felt soo .hard and fruitless and i definitely dont want 2 turn art into such a stressful thing#fruitless as in like.i dont get any personal satisfaction w it.idgaf abt monetization or algorithms or any of tht#but smtimes thats just what happens and i have 2 weather through and know ill be more equipped 4 this some other time#SAWRYYY IM ALWAYS GOING ON AND ONNN im nromal im normal<3 i just rly like art and it sucks balls whn it feels out of reach#sigh cry fart scroll.(:salute:)
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toxooz · 4 months
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i Need to take up embroidery now rIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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azumasoroshi · 1 year
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the shizu-chan song
youtube
just discovered the shizu-chan song by none other than johnny yong bosch. help me
id transcribe if i didnt have a final in 10 hours. maybe when i get back
oh nvm someone already wrote them out
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this has similar energy as the bro duet song but like. in reverse bgskjdghjkgsd the no homo is for real
plus an animatic version and amv version because holy hell this is old
#i hear there's another shizuo song by johnny yong bosch according to the comments from 2017 but ill have to wait until yt recommends me it#anyway this makes me want to make a bro duet animatic for shizaya#which would be hilarious because. they're not bros#the ship dynamic of 'two guy best friends who maybe kiss sometimes' is very good but very not shizaya#so the spontaneous love confessions just come out of fucking nowhere during one of their fights#it would be really funny. trust#and probably better than the angst and self-denial festival i would make animating the actual shizu-chan song#i can already see the half-smiling-to-himself half-looks-like-he's-about-to-cry pining semi-regretful izaya face at the last shizu-chan#also. izaya guitar player headcanon hello#if someone can make an artist hobbyist izaya au i can make a guitar hobbyist izaya au#tbh izaya's more spontaneous and i feel like he wouldnt like all the hard work and practice time that goes into learning an instrument#like his main hobbies like parkour and switchblade throwing are stuff he gets to put into practice all the time and are more 'useful'#but instrument practice it's just him and his thoughts and callused hands for hours at a time#feel like he'd get frustrated pretty easily in that way#anyway wouldnt it be hot if izaya played the guitar LMFAOO fuck my characterization and let that man play fingerstyle#izaya playing piano is a somewhat popular headcanon anyway#god i have the worst habit of putting the entirety of my post into the tags. must be the incorrect lov joke bits spilling over#shizaya#shizuo heiwajima#izaya orihara#durarara#Youtube
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Fanwork creators self rec! When you get this, reply with your five favorite fics/art/podfics/etc. that you've made, then pass on to others. Let’s spread the self-love 🌼
(No pressure if you don't want to though!)
Hope you have a good day! ✨
ah damn ok uhhhh i'm still very happy with This Rojade piece, My Murder Boy, this Flight Rising thing, this Julie one, and my DC fantasy fic copper & gold <3
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iftitah · 14 days
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#the more i stay around people the more i want to become like them out of spite#because i was so surprised these people are at least 24-26 years age some even did a minor bachelor's before coming here#some have completed post grad and then joined#like aren't you all too fucking old to act that immature#i grew so resentful of everyone how they keep on doing the worst low man shit and then victimize themselves#hypocrites full of shit they don't want to hear the truth#i know no one has the audacity to take a fight with me on here because they know im the youngest here#not because im the youngest but because im better#the girls frown upon me because i don't hear their low mindset humorless jokes and pointo out where they fall short#oh [my irl name] youre so stiff hamesha kami kyun nikalti rahti ho hamesha baat kaatne ki aadat hai learn to take a joke#mazaak hi to kar rahe hain kya yaar#ive cried so many times because i feel suffocated here and out of hate i want to act immature selfish hypocrite too so i do#i become self centered and look into my needs#but everyday bcg shows me how one stays firm in mindset even amidst surrounding of shit people#he points out to me all the time when i start acting like them he says why aren't you trying to rise above#i say ham bhi karte hai na unn chutiyon jaisa behave kyunki unhe unhi ki language mei samajh aata hai#achha ban kar honest banne se kuch nahi milta yaha#but he knows his stuff#he never does these things#however much i let evil thoughts take upon i get astounded everyday how he's practicing his rightful his honesty even tho no one's looking#it makes me want to cry#i hope he gets so ahead in life i hope he stands at the podium one day on a stage and deliver speeches where people actually can see him#like he sees the orator that come to attend our unis gatherings and says everytime kuch to baat hoti hai inn logon mei#i hope he achieves whatever he wants i hope he gets ahead of everyone all this fucking corruption#its not that he's done anything that im applauding he tries his best#and maybe teachers see that too all in class they're only looking at him and teaching they know#do you know how fucking hard it is not get corrupted in this uni and become one of those assholes that have done things unimaginable#im inspired everyday ill try my best to be like him#i do not just want to praise him i want to become someone he doesn't have to say fir tum bhi vahi karogi to kya farq reh jaayega#kuch bada nahi hota logon ki roz roz ki choti choti aadaton se pata chal jaata hai vo kaise hain
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gibbearish · 18 days
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am finally back home and can say without a doubt that i am just fundamentally not built for long distance travel however the train was much nicer than planes
#that being said. pressurized cabins drive me insane a little bit#and also it gives you pretty intense sea legs for a While#like. the ones from the first trip hadnt gone away by the return one. so. might be stuck with that for a few days#we shall see#also ajr live fucks severely#the albums were already incredible but that was a goddamn religious experience#like. idk the way i think abt it is theyre more djs than a regular band esp w their performance showing the making of way less sad#like their music is very electronic‚ theyre making mixes of their own sound effects more than singing in one go#so like. the vocals were a teeensy bit rough at times#notably times it has taken me Literally Hundreds Of Hours Practice to be able to consistently sing along with#and times ive found its literally physically impossible to like. no matter what#idc how big your lungs are‚ there is no human on earth who can do that final run of karma in one breath#much less to An Entire Stadium After An Hour Of Jumping And Dancing And Singing Loud As Fuck#so like i dont blame them for that‚ you dont go to live shows expecting it to be 100% perfect anyways jwbdjsbfksb#the trumpet however. well she was certainly playing sometimes. and was very enthusiastic about her flares.#however. in most of their songs they use midi trumpets to my ear at least#meaning she was likely an addition specifically for live performances and in my personal band kid opinion#prooobably was not in any of the like. higher tier bands? idk just. a lot of the mistakes she was making were hitting as stuff that got#taught out of us the instant we joined any band beyond regular concert#so i would guess she was probably just like. a friend who happened to play trumpet in high school or maybe even just middle school#and they knew that the trumpet parts in their pieces were big and distinct enough that like they /had/ to get a live player#and just kinda. didnt anticipate the audition -> performance gap#like. her tone was really fried the whole time like she was playing as hard as possible#which. she was mic'd. have the sound guy turn her up.#the way they did it made it sound like she was using a mute but not. like she only got the bad parts of a mute from it yknow#her tempo and timing were. bad. theres no nice way to put that one it just Was Bad‚ like the trumpet runs in ajr songs arent. complicated#like. quite literally if you handed me the sheet music right now i would have it down perfect in a week at absolute most#and better than that player on sightread. like. we did so many sightreading drills.#like ill share my band kid creds if anyone cares but i need to emphasize this isnt me being braggy like. they genuinely just arent hard#fuck im out of tags. w/e i think only like one of yall also listens to them anyways so i can leave it there
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non0zec-art · 1 year
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imagine the shade was like a hat (a silly one for sure- here I wanted to draw them with more detailed limbs. mainly inspired by a point on this post but also by some other forehead jokes i vaguely remember.)
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opens-up-4-nobody · 10 months
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Sorry if this is a weird thing to say but I’ve been following you since… Oh God, like maybe 2015 or so? Somewhere around there I think. Anyways I really admired your art then, and have continued to be further and further impressed by your work as time goes on. Seeing that you were only just starting university around then gives me so much hope for my art and that maybe one day I can make stuff that others are impressed by. Thank you for continuing to draw, I have loved watching your style evolve over the years and look forward to seeing it continue.
Not weird at all, that's very sweet :-] woof I started posting here in 2015 so you've probably been here since the start haha. Glad you could stick with me thru all my venting and oversharing. I really like drawing bc you can see your progress when you look back at old stuff. I don't really get self conscious about making "bad" art, I just think: I can do better and eventually I do. I'm a little obsessive about it, which is maybe not great but hey it gets results haha
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zombiemollusk · 2 years
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pleeeeease stop befriending disabled and/or “weird” people in the hopes your ~love~ will cure us. it won’t work. you don’t live in one of them glurgy inspiration-porn movies. we’re not wrinkles in a blanket you need to smooth out.
and don’t try to frame it as “this person must just be ~special~ among us boring humans” either. i’m disabled. i’m not ashamed of it to the point of trying to make it sound like a good thing. if you feel like i am, maybe you’re the one feeling ashamed and projecting it onto me.
if you hate the thought of dealing with a person’s disabilities so much you feel like you need to define it as something it isn’t, just save everyone’s time and energy by leaving us alone.
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rhyme-thinks-stuff · 6 months
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i can't wait until im five years in the future and emotionally stable enough to try dating and figure out if i actually feel romantic attraction
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maretriarch · 1 year
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my issue is i spread myself too thin i get a lot of fun highly ambitious ideas that I start in very short succession and get them done about halfway until the short time reward joy runs out and then end up with a pile of projects like this
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radioconstructed · 2 years
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⌖ As promised. (Dress by Gunne Sax.)
[ family tree /  sun bleached flies  / family tree (intro) ]
#⌖ online#⌖ hellfie#⌖ v*xtube posts#fem alastor#// al: nothing I post on v*xtube is supposed to be like. good.#also al: *gets the menthol illness urge at 5AM to record 20min of music with a full setup*#'hang on lemme have a whole crisis over some music real quick.'#(maybe she has imposter syndrome maybe she has high standards maybe she's not trying to set a high standard for the rest of her content)#(why put the intro at the end? bc well the full song interpolates the intro and it's interesting backwards too. and bc you can LOOP the#audio this way. and bc well. while the actual album ends w like forgiveness (sunbleached flies is the second to last song) that's not the#story of the damned and it's not her story. her story doesn't end with 'if it's meant to be it will be'.#it ends with 'hanging from the family tree.')#just so we're clear she covers songs bc she thinks they slap. not bc she's tryna be vulnerable on the internet about being damned#anyway there's other instruments. shadows prolly in the bg. mostly pianobased cover but yeah.#anyway southern gothic vibes are the vibe and she's a sucker for an album that's a story (like a musical)#anyway I linked the original songs. I couldn't get through the whole album bc it's v dark but these songs are good. they don't feel long.#they're gorgeous and they build up so nice and the artist sounds like lana del r3y.#I'm so sick of looking at this art skdns one day I'll make her look not wonky but that day is not 2day.#deadass I actually hate my art but it won't get better if I don't practice and subject it 2 the mortifying ordeal of being known
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meattruck · 8 months
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Okay so like ik my friends Hella don't want to see me talk about math so I made a new blog where I'm just gonna post rambles and notes when I'm learning/researching stuff.
Rn is math but sometimes I have other ventures
@hypothesenuts
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A present for my sissy 🖤
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